>>60632606
Just say it was from Craig and use the evidence of Craigs lasgun being purchased as proof he did it. Also call the Commissar a heretic for being furious you are worshiping a divine being.

>>60632606
Last I checked, images of the Saints were a Ministorum approved method of warding against the ruinous powers.

Just make a beeline for your priest, he should back you on this.

>>60632606
>Comissar being angry that people are worshipping the Saints
I believe this Comissar might be a secret heretic, report him immediately. It is possible that you keeping this to yourself is a disgusting display of selfishness as all should be allowed to embrace this divine radiance.

>>60633207
>>60633458
Emperor protect my soul guys, I think I might be saved

>Remember the comissar always away on "Private voxcasts" that were always "above our rank"
>Rumors had it, our comissar is video voxcasting xeno women, yet none of our men want to speak out due to fear of being executed
>With my situation, I decided "Fuck it" and reported my suspicions to the local priest because I might end up being executed anyways
>Tell my guys to meet up with Marcus and cause a distraction while I meet up with the priest
>I go and confess my suspicions of the comissar to the priest
>ReallyBruh.Vox
>Turns out he is an inquisitor who was sent to investigate the comissar for dealing with xeno women and he was sent to gather evidence of such heresy
>I tell him of my celestine body pillow and he calls me a Weeaboo, yet pardons me for worshiping a divine being of our emperor
>Fuckyes.voxcast

Hopefully I get out clear for all this. Will keep you guys posted /tg/guard

I need to hear how this all ends. This is beautiful.

>>60633769
>Comissar is another xeno-fucker.

Am I the only one noticing this particular trend of heresy growing up these last years?

>>60638782
Yeah you're right, what should we do about it?

>>60638782
>>60638814
I blame Guilliman. Ever since he came back with his Eldar waifu, loads of Guardsmen and Commissars have been shacking up with the Stickies. I'll admit... I've been tempted. I could have sworn some Farseer was making doe-eyes at me.
>I'mtooloyalforthisshit.vox

>>60638814
>Who will BLAM the blammers?

>>60638908
Inquisition Blamers?

>>60638879
>Blaming our great God Guilliman for the xenophilic heresies.

If I could purge you with my cogitator, you would not speakimg such nonesense.

And since when people are calling the pointy helmet jerks as "stickies"?

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>>60632606
>Celestine body pillow
Just say it protects you from chaos

>>60638938
I think it's just a term used on his homeworld. You know, since they're tall and thin, like sticks.

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>>60633769
>talking to the Inquisition
Breh... you know what happens when you're done being useful right? If you're lucky you'll just get servitorized

>>60638951
Is that Weird Al?

>>60638959
I had to work with grunts who called them "pansies" (their homeworld has to deal with feral orks)

>>60637040
>>60638782
I'm apparently under custody of the inquisition, mostly for evidence for the inquisitor's investigation. Turns out more stuff has gone down since my last post


>Inquisitor had some henchmen disguised as fellow guardsmen
>Those guys caught the Commissar video chatting with a tau woman
>ItsOnNowHeretic.vox
>Inquisitor asks me to come along to help purge the xeno fucker commissar, I end up accepting due to not having any other choice, and plus I want my celestine body pillow back
>Fast forward some time later, we're back on base, most of the guys from the regiment accept the presence of the inquisitor due to everyone being suspicious of the commissar's fetishes
>As we knock on the comissar's barracks, turns out some of the men who were low key xenofuckers (Fuck you Dave, no wonder why the commissar didnt execute you for having that playxeno magazine)

and no shit, this is where it gets totally fucked

>Our commissar deadass wanted to assimilate us to the greater good, so he called over a tau fleet to kill the men who were still faithful and loyal to the emperor
>so now our regiment is split between us, and some inquisitional forces, and we're fighting against some Tau strikeforce, and Commissar Xenofucker and the part of our regiment that are total xenofuckers too
>Did I mention that we were on a planet that had sleeping necrons
>we're in a total firefight, it's a clusterfuck with people dying everywhere and shit blowing up

>Be me
>Farseer of Craftworld Beil-tan
>Hear rumors that Mon'Keigh are bigger and better in the bedroom
>fuckit.rune
>Single out random Mon'Keigh soldier to test this theory
>Stupid fucker just stands there and stares at me, despite my advances
Ishas' Titanic Tits, are all Mon'Keigh males this ignorant?! I have needs too!

>>60638968
That only happens if you were in an area with chaos corruption. Zeno's you'll get questioned a lot and maybe the shit beat out of you but you won't get killed if you're found Innocent.

>>60638981
Have you considered calling the Wolverine Regiment of Amerigo Secundus? They're very... enthusiastic... when it comes to killing Tau and their sympathizers.

>>60638981
Wow, your last post was only lile 10 minutes ago. What a wild ride.

>>60638981
well looks like your body pillow did protect you from heresy you should thank the rogue trader next time you meet him.

>>60638981
>Banging T'au.
For frak's sake! Have seen a T'au's face? They are uglier than the average greenskin. Then again they seem to gotten really good in brainwashing innocents to their foul cause.

>That free-for-all situation.
Reminds me of a job about looted psy-gems a few years ago.

>>60638975
its sly marbo

>>60638994
You just need to find one that's not so religious, or probably just more retarded.

>>60639056
I'm pretty sure Sly is more stealthy than that.

>>60638981
>During the firefight, commissar xenofucker and the xeno fetishist guardsmen all focus fire on me for exposing what is going on
>EmperorProtect,Emprah
>Because they were so focused on me, most of their guys end up getting shot and murdered
>Comissar Xenofuck end up escaping when tau come around to pick him up
>we end up fighting tau fuckers and acutal Tau, our base of operation is burning
>while all the chaos is happening, I manage to find my celestine body pillow in pristine condition (Praise the Emperor) and end up carrying it with me the entire time
>Turns out the fighting awakens some necrons, who end up pinning down the Tau, so now things are getting fucked even further, Inquisitorbro wants to pursue commissar xenofucker and destroy the entire tau fleet that is orbiting our planet

>>60639087
But they are already retarded! Am I doing something wrong?

>Howling Banshee decides to sit on my lap
>pop a boner
>she noticed, and is now wiggling around
Emprah help me...

>>60632606
I'll buy the Celestine body pillow off of you if you post a pic of it.

>>60639332
Yes, military men are too scared of being murdered for wanting to bang you. By either their boss, you, or your soldiers.
Try someone that's even dumber.

>>60639484
Remember that eldar see humans the same way we see chimps

She's into some really messed up stuff

>>60639584
>same race that created Slaanesh
So she's normal?

>>60639332
I dunno, try a backwater imperial world the rest of the imperium hasn't realized exists and has no idea what an "Eldar" is.

>>60639626
If it worked for a dark eldar it should work for her.
Unless she's lesser than some no name test-tube baby.

>>60639641
Hey, go big or go home.

>>60639584
So, should I try messin' with her ears or something? She's hugging me and tryin' to hold my hand. I'm scared and confused...

>>60639599
Yeah, that makes sense

>>60639729
Do what comes naturally, just don't sperg out for the love of the Holy Emporer.

>>60639729
Rub her ears
touch her soulstone

>>60639778
Isn't that a marriage proposal to them?

>>60639758
>emperorguideme.vox
Wish me luck, lads... I either conquer dat xenos ass, make a fool of myself, or I die horribly.

>>60639811
For a mon keigh its not really "marriage" as a "weekend fling" even if you are with her for 200 years getting rejuvinat treatments

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>>60639309
>Inquisitor decides to leave me in charge of the rest of the loyalist guardsmen and tell us that we should fight the necrons
>Turns our, during the fighting with commissar xenofucker and the traitor guardsmen, one of the tau ships were shot down and crashed on the planet
>Now it's a total clusterfuck of Tau and traitor guardsmen, fighting against us guardsmen while necrons that just woke up are shooting anything that isnt one of them
>I still have my saint celestine waifu pillow
>Whatever is left of our regiment believes it's a sacred relic, and we hold the line

Somehow I managed to go from being on death row, to leading half a regiment of guardsmen fighting tau, traitor guardsmen,and Necrons while an inquisitor hunts down my xenofucking commissar. Will continue to keep your guys posted, Emperor protect

>Be Celestine Bodypillow
[Screaming Internally]

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>>60639897
Fucking legend, hope you survive anon. Emperor be with you.

>>60639897
Jesus this story is almost as good as a Ciaphas Cane adventure.

>>60639842
>Long term Freinds with Benefits agreement
>little to no risk of pregnancy
>Eldar women are so repressed, they should be very easy to please
There but for the grace of the God-Emperor go I.

>>60632606
You're may not be fucked, but odds are you're at least a little bit diddled. After all, venerating the beautiful Saint Celestine is only natural for a healthy, loyal man of the Imperium. Don't know what else you did to piss him off, but good luck.

>>60639956
Cain*

>>60639957
>little to no risk of pregnancy
There is also little to no risk of death by lasgun, but boy howdy if you drown an eldar in enough lasfire...

>>60639957
This might be an easier way to defeat the eldar.

While waiting for OP to reply, has anyone fought traitor guardsmen before? My Regiment is landing on a planet full of xenofuckers and traitors.

>>60639897
The Emporer smiles upon you, this thread will will definitely be archived for more see.

>Be me
>Da Orky-ist Ork in dis ere sektor
>summa da boyz sez dere be a roight good scrap nearby
>Buncha Humies and Blue boyz foightin ova sum sort of pillow-thing
>wot.gork
>Whateva, oi want it!

>>60639984
I'll give her my lasgun
>ifyouknowwhatimean.voxcast

>>60639897
the thought of half a regiment of IG locked in a bloody battle against tau, necrons, and xenofuckers, alongside their divinely blessed body pillow fills me with joy.

>>60640038
Nope, always dreamed of leaving my Agri world home to join the imperial guard. But I need to help my grandparents with the crops, those imperial guard rations don't make themselves.

>>60640038
Cardinal rules for fighting traitor guard

1) Assume that ISN'T your artillery/air support/armor support
2) If it looks xenotechy or warpy, DON'T TOUCH IT. Try not to look at it.
3) If the person using it looked warpy/xenotechy, don't take their ammo/ordnance. It's not worth it.
4) Heavy weapons and high explosives WILL solve all your problems.

>>60640038
>Solitary traitors
Just like us, but with way less support off-world

>Pro-Tau traitors
Contrary to Tau propaganda, they do not get new plasma weapons, but they do get lots of xenos friends.

>Chaos traitors
They are more of a rabble of crazy murderers and rapists, but they are the cannon fodder of their elite douchebags (Astartes and Daemons)

>Be a Howling Banshee Aspect Warrior
>damnmyasslooksgreatinthissuit.wraithbone
>Decide to tease a nearby Mon'keigh Guardsman, since Yvraine says we're "Allies" now
>Sit my delicate read on his lap. Might as well make himself useful, after all.
>Notice a protrusion shortly after
>isthatalasguninyourpocketorareyoujusthappytoseeme.rune
>Ishas' tits, are all Mon'Keigh this blessed?! No wonder the other girls won't date Eldar males anymore.

>>60640055
Oh no ya filthy Green skin, that pillow belongs that Guardsman and I'll be dammed if any you green fucks steal it from him!

>>60640460
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

>>60640472
Aw shit, Emporer save us because we are sincerely fucked.

>>60640519
Oi'z gonna jus' be takin' dat dere pillow-thing, if'n yaz don't moind.

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>Be me
>Watch Captain of the Deathwatch
>Astropath rushes into office, says Tau have corrupted half a gaurd regiment and there is open battle.
>And that this was yet ANOTHER fucking Tomb World
>Dispatch a Deathwatch Kill Team to sort this shit out before it goes all Cold Shoulder on us.
>Get serveral more Kill Teams on standby, just in case...

>Be Guardsman
>Regiment gets deployed to go to some random planet in the ass end of the Ultima Segmentum
>Turns out half the fucking Guard there are a bunch of Space Commie sympathizers
>fuckingblueberrybitches.vox
>Swing by Amerigo Scundus to pick up some of the Wolverine Regiment, they could use some exercise
I just hope the fucking Eldar aren't there.

>>60640727
I think you just fucking jinxed it there boy.

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>>60640739
Aww... FRAK.

>half of the crew got gibbed a week ago in -another- Gellar field fuckup
>there is almost certainly at least a minor chaos cult in the brig
>the entire starboard wing is fucking greenskins
>fucking greenskins that keep raiding the commissary through the air ducts
>we aren't even halfway to our destination
I wish -I- had a bodypillow.

>>60640754
Have you tried making one? Stitch some pillows together and tape a picture of the Emporer's face to it for the most Holy body pillow.

>Be Tzeentch
>Take a break from all the convoluted schemes I've been thinking of and take a peek at the material realm
>A bunch of Mortals are fighting over a stupid Body pillow with some golden slut on it
>notasplanned.warp
>Gotta figure out how to blame this shit on someone else, now.

>>60640793
I would, except the fucking greenskins raided all the pillows too.

>>60640823
Well, improvise

>>60640817
Blueberries?

>Be Papa Nurgle
>Isha is mad at me...
>Try to think of something to cheer her up, she's so cute when she smiles
>Learn that there's a body pillow on some backwater planet that is apparently special enough to have several factions of materials fighting over it
>Send Typhus and some of his friends to go and politely ask for it
>My love is going to love her new Nurgling body pillow! I'm sure of it!

>>60640889
Isha is cheating on him with Mortarion you know.

>>60640968
Impossible. Isha is pure and faithful!

>Be Guilliman
>Have to slog through bureaucratic nightmare that is fathers empire
>FuckyouLorgar.vox
>Keep finding out about fucking atrocious warzones that should not exist
>Like this one sector
>For some reason, some Commissar got pissy that a guardsman had a body pillow of that one angle lady I saw when I woke up to this nightmare
>This somehow led to to the Guard starting an investigation which uncovered the Commissar was working with Tau, which then escalated into a multi faction war on the planet over this body pillow
>Its a smaller version of that one planet this literally called shithole, except with a less fire
>Decide to send in a couple chapters of my boys to prevent this situation from somehow getting worse

>>60640981
Isha spoils all the secret cures to all of Nurgles new diseases behind his back there is no way she is faithful.

>Be me
>Orky-iest Ork in da Sektor
>Be havin' a roight proppa scrap
>Lotsa Humies to krump
>Lotsa Blue boyz to krump
>Dem Spess Marinez come by
>wotawunderulWAAAAAGH!.mork
>Oi havn' seen da boyz dis happy sinz dat scrap on Cold Sholdur!

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>>60638981
>mfw this is gearing up to be The Cold Shoulder incident all over again
Emperor almighty you guardsmen get into some crazy shit.

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>Be Brother Sargent Raphiel of the Deathwatch
>Review mission parameters with kill team on route
>Purge Necrons
>Purge Tau
>Purge xenos loving gaurdsmen
>Protect Holy Relic
>The Holy relic is a body length cloth sack, ostensibly containt the mortal remains of a Sister of the Adepas Soritas who was Sainted upon her Martyrdom.
>Glance towards Brother Icarus, our Devastator
>Glance at his right pauldron
>His white pauldron
>With it's black bird and single blood drop
>He smiles back at me
>I can see it, even through his helmet
>We arrive and begin our insertion via Thunderhawk
>take fire from Tau anti-Air
>Alarm Klaxons blare as our transports machine spirit warns us of it's impending demise
>I give the order to strap on the single use jump packs and leap while the Pilot fights to keep us airborne
>Like the Blood Angel I am I descend on Wings of Fire and Fury into the Tau battle lines
>Discharging my spent jump pack I tear into the kroot with my chainsword, xenos blood spraying everywhere
>I remember to shoot my bolt pistol a few times as well.
>I am proud of that
>Brother Icarus lands somewhat behind me with a loud WHUMP
>A blue white bolt of energy shoots past me, into a Devilfish which carrens out of control as it's vile machine spirit fails to maintain it's anti-gravs properly
>Brother Icarus follows up with a second shot from his Lascanon, and the Devilfish explodes
>A few Fire Warriors escaped the death of their transport and are trying to form a firing line
>I cut my way free of the Kroot and rush towards them
>Our Thunderhawk hits the ground with a massive grinding crash, and tears a long, long furrow into the earth
>None of my other Brothers got out in time
>I hope they are well, that crash did not look TOO bad.
>They are just far away from the fight.
>Lasfire rakes the remenets of the Tau.
>It is the Garudsmen
>Even as I know I must meet the Gaurdsman who keeps the Holy Relic, I hope that he is not here yet.
>Brother Icarus is still ambulatory.

>be me
>Necron Lord
>Trying to get some sleep
>Get waked up by some booming sounds on the surface
>What.obelisc
>See some of the other Necrons already awake and moving towards the surface
>Damnitnotthisshitagain.exe
>Go to the surface to see just what exactly is going on while half awake
>Get a report that there's a war going on over a "pillow" by some pariahs
>Didn't really listen to whatever they said except for that one part about a pillow
>Start thinking about sleeping again and how great having an actual pillow would be
>Decide I'm going to get that pillow and go back into my tomb to get some more sleep

>>60641247
>With it's black bird and single blood drop
>bytheemprah.vox
Guardsmen!
BOLT.
DOWN.
EVERYTHING.

>>60641307
Keep your hands on that body pillow at all times Guardsman! The magpies must not steal it!

>Be Guardsman
>Be a Veteran of the Cold Shoulder Incident
>Relaxing while on an extended leave on some shithole planet
>livingthedream.voxcast
>Suddenly get called to arms since half the fucking local regiment turned traitor to those fucking blueberries
>Fucking Necrons are here
>Fucking Space Marines are here
>Fucking Orks everywhere
>Learn this whole cluster fuck was started over a fucking pillow
>emperordamnitnotthisshitagain.vox
>Get kitted up in my standard issue Cardboard armor
>Make sure my lasgun isn't on safe
>Board the nearest death tra- er... Chimera Transport
>Once more into the breech...

> Be Eldar
> Can't get a date, been an incel for at least half a millennia at this point
> Investigating something on a Mon-keigh planet with the lads, suddenly war starts over a pillow
> TheFuck.hologram
> See a female guardsman
> 10/10 (for a mon-keigh)
> Lets try it
> Say Hello
> Guardsman screams for their emperor, opens fire with their laser pointers
> No qt Mon-keigh guardsman waifu

Why even live, bros?

>>60641514
Isha forgive me, I know your pain... I've been trying to get this hot Guardsman to pay attention to me, but all he does is turn red in the face, stutter, and stare at the ground. Can't a lady get some hot Mon'Keigh dick every once in a millennium? They never told me being a Farseer would be so... frustrating.

>Be Lt Agustus of the Imperial Fists
>At least I used to be
>Several months ago I was among many of several companies stationed in the notorious Cold Shoulder system
>Over time Captain Thorn has been converting all Fists on the planet towards the Imperial Cult which recently led to almost every fist in that system to be exiled from the Chapter
>Thorn ended up forming us into a new Chapter called the Emperors Divine Fists, ceasy as fuck but when I tried to argue against our new Chapter Master he sent me and my demi company to go find new recruits
>This led us to stumbling upon this shithole, the guard regiments have gone insane which has led to multiple xenos and filthy heretics popping up all for a body pillow
>It reminds me of a small scale version of our home world, the recruits here will be magnificent recruits

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Well OP, looks like you’ve got an Armageddon situation on your hands. Good luck, because the only way this can get worse is if space insects arrive.

>Be Genestealer
Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

>>60641908
You had to jinx it didn't yah?
You just had to fucking mention those screaching bastards didn't yah?

> Be FemTau
> Checkin my messages
> Wierd one from a commissar
> Deleted
> Later, get a call from same commissar
> Sounds really gross
> Hang the fuck up
> This happens more times
> Complain to higher caste about it
> They tell me I should communicate with him to bring his humans to the side of greater good
> Have to pretend to like this sweaty fuckin nerd

FML, /tg/.

>Be Khorne
>Notice blood river is flowing a bit more than usual
>chainaxeboner.rage
>Look for possible source
>Random ass planet is aflame over a stupid fucking pillow
>Ibetslaaneshisbehindthis.fury
>Send forth a legion of Bloodthirsters and the World Eaters to sort that shit out
>Idon'tevencarewherethebloodcomesfrom.warp

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>Be Sanctioned Psyker
>Everything sucks
>Guardsmen fear me
>Commisar is an asshole and constantly hovering over me with his bolter every second he isn't busy fapping to xenos like the depraved heretic he is
>can't call him out for fear of being accused of possession and subsequently BLAM'D
>can't convince the others since none of them like me because psyker
>Ididntaskforthis.vox
>be in mess hall just trying to avoid everyone when all of a sudden a commotion kicks off
>the guardsmen have started offing each other left and right for some reason and the fucking Tau have shown up
>Tau abscond with Commisar blueberry-fucker while everyone is fighting
>realize that I just missed my opportunity to potentially kill that bastard and get away with it
>begin venting my frustrations by frying traitor guardsmen with warp lightning
>unlimitedpower.zap
>in between all of the fighting manage to get one of the loyal guardsmen to explain to me what the hell is going on
>turns out this all kicked off because Commisar blueberry-fucker didn't like one of the guards men's body pillow
>this whole thing basically started because of a difference in waifu preferences
>I'm fighting in a fucking waifu war
>if this isn't some slaneeshi-tier shit I don't know what is
>briefly wonder whether or not I should just give myself over to the warp and spare myself the shit to come
>looking back on it I should've done it, I had no idea just how ludicrous shit was about to get

> Be Tyranid
> R̥̼͚͋͌̊̿ͧ̊Ẹ̬̦̘̬̩͎͆ͫͬ̓̉̒ͭ̚͞͝ͅE͓̞͉̻̳ͫ͗ͣ̚E̵̟̙̦̻̣͎͖̎ͤ̒ͭ͌̓͋ͫ͘E̡̩̪̖̰͖̻̟ͤ͊ͤ͌ͧͪ͠Ẽ̶̷̤̰̟͔͎͇̞̖̃͛ͯͤͤ́ͅE̡͇͍̦ͪ́͟E̝̺̱̼̩̒ͩ͋̕͢Ẻ̼͎̬̙͇͆͌ͤ̊͐͌ͮE͔̬͙̝ͦ̎͛ͩͣͬ̍ͬ̀Ȅ͇̌ͤ͐ͅȨ̻̣͖̗ͬ̑͘E̛̼͖͗ͮ̈́̓͗̍́E̢̡̟̻̘͍͉͙ͨ̕E̺̞͓͉̙̥̦͛͘̕Ḛ̶̹̺̪̬̖̼͐̽̃̌̈ͭͩ̍͒͘ͅE̢̜͓̙͉̞͓̯͇̎̈̇͛̈͋̀͂͝E̶̢̩͇̻͕̱̫͇͊͌̕E.nom

>>60642290
>Be Guardsman
>Shit has gone FUBAR faster than expected.
>Orks are here
>Eldar are here
>Tau are here
>Space Marines are here
>Fucking Chaos and Tyranids are here
>Why does this shit always happen to me? I just wanted to take a damn vacation, and now the planet is 90% craters from artillery fire.
>At least it can't get any worse, right?

>>60642324
You forgot about the Necrons dude.

>Be adeptus administratum beaurucrat
>Browsing /tg/ at work
>See meatshield on some backwater planet complaining about how he’s gonna be purged
>Nothing new, decide to skim by it
>See something about Celestine body pillow
>myemperordelivermefromthisboner.vox
>Guard worried commissar will purge him
>ohno.vox
>Decide to monitor the situation
>Blueberries show up
>Traitor guard show up
>Necrons show up
>Eldar harlots show up
>Orks show up
>Raven Guard show up
>Ultramarines show up
>Khorne daemons show up
>screencappedfortheemperor.vox
>Call over servitor to cap
>Machine spirits on the fritz
>Already scalped three local agri-workers
>Lobby request for new one
>Might as well lobby for a Holy Terran Screencapping permit
>Feeling optimistic, hopefully my grandson will get a hold of those permits and the servitor in time to cap

>Be Guardsman
>Somehow forget about the FUCKING NECRONS popping out of the ground
>Take a moment to reflect on my astronomical stupidity before consigning myself to the Emperor
>Die horribly in a ditch somewhere

>Be LT Augustus
>Only a Terran standard week and this place is reminding me more and more like my chapters homeworld
>With my thunderhammer I am purging my way through filthy xenos just to reach this one village that has promising recruits
>The glorious death watch even arrive to aid us in our righteous cause
>"Hail to the Emperor Cou-"
>Thats when I see the white pualdron with the raven symbol
>nope.dorn
>just grab a bunch of boys that look young enough to be recruits and retreat with upmost haste
>I have seen what those magpies can do when left unchecked, we will have to make sure they don't get their hands on anything important
>Decide on a new mission, we must protect the sacred pillow from those thiefs before they find it

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>>60642211
>Wifu War
Fucking kek m8

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>Be Guardsman from the Wolverine Regiment of Amerigo Secundus
>Someone finally remembered we exist
>Get called to go kick some blue commie ass
>lockandloadboys.dataslate
>mfw we get shot down and have to make an amphibious assault while under fire from FUCKING EVERYTHING
>atleastthatfarseeriskindahot.vox

> Be Rouge Trader
> Gotta sell my shit
> New planet, scope it out
> No less than three marine chapters are here, including the fucking deathwatch
> Tau orbiting the other side of the planet
> It's a fucking tombworld
> Chaos, Orcs and Tyranids inbound
> They're all fighting over a pillow

And that, kids, is how I got my retirement money.

>Be Necron Lord
>Wake myself up after killing some Guardsman in a ditch
>Fucking hell I'm tired
>Almost miss the fact my leg got shot off
>Whendidthathappen.scarab
>Find it in another ditch
>Realize that the Flayed ones are no where in sight
>Teleport back to tomb to find the lazy freaks
>Find the freaks all still sleeping with ear muffs on
>Thefuckdidtheygetthosefrom.monolith
>Wake the fuckers up and send them out to find that pillow
>Take a pair of ear muffs for later
>Go back outside
>Get blasted back into the fray by artillery shells
>Fuckingmeatbags.Gauss Cannon
>too lazy to crawl to legs
>Decide to put on the ear muffs and nap some more, I'll let the scarabs take care of that.

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>Be me, eldar warlock
>farseer drags us to the some Mon-keigh controlled backwater planet
>claims its to "moniter a developing situation"
>demands we set up a forward obervation camp near their own.
>spend my free time messing with their feeble minds
>mindpowers.witchblade
>as im passing the time notice the thoughts of the farseer in the mon-keigh camp
>all of my what
>she's trying to seduce one of these lower creatures and becoming frustrated that its simple mind isn't understanding her advances
>before I can do anything the mon-keigh begin infighting
>tau, necrons, orcs, space marines all begin showing up before we can abandon this foolish battle on this nothing planet
> the battle quickly makes its way towards our perimeter and I don't know how we're going to do
> the farseer is still in the camp and i'm scared to death of finding out how true the rumors of the eldar afterlife are
>im going to die for no other reason than my farseer was horny and into mon-keighality

>be traitor guardsman
>hide in Tau ship that was gunned down
>those loyalist idiots outside are gunning down their own men because we all have be same uniform
>at least I have a pulse rifle I took from a dead fire warrior now

>>60642632
>horny and into mon-keighality
So she has walked the path of the outcast/corsair/drew carrie before.

>Be cult patriarch
>mfw I set up a cult on a fucking tomb world
>infiltrate a guard regiment in case these Fucks decide to wake up
>Tau seduce non-infected commissar
>elder Thots try seducing my children
>guard start infighting over blueberry pussy
>necrons awaken
>space marines are here
>orks are here
>FUCKING DEMONS ARE HERE
>send message to give mind
>A large chunk of leviathan is already inbound
>not sure if even they can have Del this bullshit

>>60639964
unless she shows up in this clusterfuck and reads his mind about what he does with the pillow. cause then he will get fried in holy fire and lightning.

>Be Farseer
>Frustration is at critical levels because this stupid Mon'Keigh won't take the fucking hint
>I was halfway through turning around and hiking up my robes when it all goes to Hell
>Guardsmen begin shooting each other
>Tau arrive and begin shooting at half of the Guardsmen
>Necrons start bursting from the ground in a right cranky mood
>Orks shooting everything
>Tyranids eating everything
>Three chapters of those brutish Space Marines arrive, two of the chapters immediately setting to work securing everything to the ground
>The cute Guardsman I was trying to seduce has run off
>internalscreaming.wraithstone
>I will fuck that Mon'Keigh if it's the last thing I do!
>Idon'twanttobelikeMacha.singingspear

>>60642866
.
.
O͓̯̱ͤ͐̊n͔̣̦̓̐̍̽ ̠̖̟͔̿ͮ͗̌̏o͔̎̃͂̽̑̓̾ͅu͉̾ͯ͑r͔͓͉̥͈̀̂̾̈ͭ̋ ̘̺͙̈́̽ͤ̉͛w̝̭̺͈ͫ͂̿̍̈̌̈́̚̚a̩͕͈̭̱̩ͤ̂̀̉̃̀̓̂y̭̫̼̺̗͕͒̌̏ͪ̋,̦͇̣͓̙̩͈̱̈͗ͧ̃̓͗̑ ̖̬̥͙͈̼͊ͫ͊ͮͭb͈̩̱͖͉̭̙̮ͤ͌u̞̯͔̗̩̺̥̟̍̑d͈̤̖̗̞͂͑̿d̥͖̦̑ͤ̚y͖̾͒̓̒̍!̫̬̟̞͎͖̩͓̿͊ͬ

>Be Saint Celestine
>Tooling around in the Warp with Draigo, because there's fuck-all better to do
>Learn of a huge war staring on an Imperial planet
>letstakealooksie.saint
>It's over a fucking body pillow with my image on it
>What.warppg
>No, seriously.what
>Decide not to intervene
>Try to find a cold shower when I think of what has been done to it
>ifeelviolated.bolter

>Be LT Augustus
>The search of the Guardsman and his pillow has made little headway
>Mostly because of these filthy fucking Plague Marines
>Along with a necrons popping around the place, needed extra bolts for these fucks I don't want a mini repeat of that one incident
>By this point the recruits are starting to complain about missing minor details such as family, friends, and being in a place that isn't an active warzone
>As if they would need any of that when they start serving the Emperor properly
>Decide to start teaching them this lesson by getting a bunch of scout gear, getting a battle brother to baby sit them, and tell them to find the sacred body pillow and it guardian for the Chapter
>No matter what, we must prevent the mutant, the xeno, the heretic, the traitor, and the fucking magpies from getting it

>>60642930
S̵̫̞͊ę̸̛̓̄͐͝è̵͕̫̘̕ͅ ̷̯̺̬͎͚y̴͓̗̎͜ỏ̴̡̙̣̮̒̍̄̈́u̵̥͒ ̵̡̜̥̮̥̰͂́̍͒͋̕s̴͈͒͠ȯ̷̝̀̄̈̕o̴͖̓n̷͉̽͒̀̑̾͜ ̷̫̈͑͂ḏ̴̒͂͐͆ä̷̯̖͔͉͚́͆͌́d̴̗̘̤͛͆͆̽̕.̴̟͇̥̩̃̔̂ͅ ̸̡̢̞̞̠͇̾̑
̸͕͇̟̗̊̈́͌̂̎H̵̢͇͉̖̮̳̽̕o̴̭̩̥̤̙͋͑̓́͜͝ṕ̵̨̫͕̳̫̳ḝ̶̮̟̯̀̍̆́̕ ̸̛͚ý̶̜͕̄͂́̚o̸̘̥̪̘̙̪͋̓̋ų̵̹͗̈́͜ ̷̥̤̎̓̋̈͂l̸̛̘̖͕͙̮̠̿i̴̠̓̿k̷̪̪͐̕ȩ̷̥̙͑͂̄̑ ̶̢̼̀̀̓ͅț̸̛́̎͑̽h̴̢̳̩͔̺̿͒͠͠e̵̻̿ ̶̧͎͑́̑͐g̵̭̾̓̑̊r̸͙͈̹̣̃͑̈͊̚͝ͅa̷͉̺̮̠͙͋͜͝n̶̩̬̹͖̤͆̊͝d̶͖͂̽k̷̒ì̸̡̢̤͍̻͙ḓ̸̂͝š̴̢

>>60642933
lame should have went all lina inverse on the planet

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>Be me
>Trayzin the Infinite.
>hear about a conflict rising in a peculiar tomb world in The ultima segmantum
>Guardsmen, Traitor Guard, Tau, Orks, Marines, Chaos marines, Daemons, Eldars, Fellow Necrons, the works!
>Its the Cold Shoulder incident all over again.
>Didnt get a chance to pick up anything of value last time, lets see what they’re fighting over...
>A body pillow.
>Of an imperial Saint.
>Not just any saint, Saint Celestine
>Tapping fingers for a scheme.Scarab
>get notification from /tg/guard app
>See this thread
Hello cretins, im coming for that relic to add it to my collection.

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Ok, stop. It hurts too much not to have Eldar gf.

> Be frontline enginseer.
> Just got done fixing another Leman Russ
> Fucking Tau anti-tank is bullshit.
> Spaced armor mesh at least works vs those bloody smart missiles, just gotta hope the REMF don't take offense AGAIN
> I'll just say it's a way to transport MASH beds, it looks loosely alike and none of them used a fleshbag recuperation station in centuries.
> Fire barrels were worse anyway, and worked less efficiently to boot.
> Get urgent request, sacred relic is possibly damaged and I'm the closest ranking techpriest
> why.jpg
> It's the reason the fighting here started apparently.
> It's a fucking pillow. Pun intended.
> Hesitate, fuck I don't want to wash all my mechandrites.
> Inspect the whole 'relic' find that the damage is a single feather that lies next to the pillow.
> This is a bag of artificial polymers. Feather is from elsewhere, urgent request was just some panicked overkill.
> Do full inspection just in case.
> UV lighting check - it's clean save for tears near the face.
> This thing's just been used for snuggles and crying oneself to sleep.
> Holy Emperor-as-Omnissiah it's the one pure bodypillow in the sector, possibly the Imperium.
> Back to the front, feel inspired.
> FOR SNUGGLES!

>>60642904
I know what you mean.

> Try it again with that qt guardsman waifu
> This time, I disguised myself as a mon-keigh
> FuckinGenius.warpchat
> So far good, she hasn't started shooting at me
> She's saying a civilian should find safety
> I say i'm also a guardsman in disguise
> She calls me a traitor and a "rouge psyker"
> Say What?

Are these people high or something?

>>60643305
She thought you were a coward attempting to flee battle

>>60640889
Isha is for Emps, cuckgle.

>>60643354
Well damn.

How's an Eldar supposed to get a date in this fucked up galaxy?

> be Tau Watercast
> planet was supposed to be long taken over by our Diplothots
> some Weaboo snitched
> all hell breaks loose, the Firecast decides to help
> all hell breaks loose, everything is ganging up on us
> diplomacytime.greatergood
> some ugly ''Slaneshi'' agree to help out. We only have to worship their God
> religiousfreedom.greatergood
> me and my Diplothots are now supersoldiers. Suck ass fire cast
> time to spread some Greater Good and Slaneshism

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>be primaris psyker
>high command
>hang out with my psyker bros in psykana I run
>nobody has a fucking clue what are we doing
>commissar suspects us of heresy
>mind-suggest him that tau women are cute and he should fuck off
>mfw watching the shitstorm

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>be Silver Iscariot farseer
>Some fucking twit brought a genestealer onto our craftworld for "research purposes"
>Whole thing is fucked within a week, everyone has to get out of dodge
>Random warps for a bunch of small squadrons so we don't all get massacred at once if they follow one
>Warp to world in the middle of a massive conflict
>khaindamnit.warp
>seek out nearest intelligent lifeforms to see what is going on
>Find some of those human things, we never really interacted with them
>Almost shot on sight but dimplomacy works wonders for those with mutual enemies
>Which turn out to be those insufferable Tau, brutish orks, and those god damned Necrons
>Chaos on its way as well as MORE FUCKING NIDS
>Plus marine deathwatch is here so we can't even team up with the monkaigh to get rid of these murder machines
>All this started over a bloody pillow
Illia give me strength, I hope to never see another bloody bug again

>be guardsman stuck in a holding cell, awaiting inquisition tribunal.
>get dataslate because the dude feeding me left it on the tray.
>shitpost and story read.vox
>find this latest clusterfuck going on and this guy not getting screwed.

Emperor be with you fellow guardsman. I’m pretty sure after explaining the 4 week oddesy in the back of a Rhino on a Chaos corrupted world that they will execute me.

>>60643474

>Be fire caste commander
>Watch as a mobile orgy of mutated pink skinned water caste descend upon the gue'la
>Pinch the bridge of my nose slit
>Every time, every FUCKING time we get this kind of clusterfuck, someone thinks it'd be a great idea to start worshipping the "god" of degeneracy
>Raise the Ethereal on comms
>Hope like fuck this wasn't her idea, because otherwise I'm gunna need to get chummy with the Enclaves real fast

>Be Rogue Trader
>Just departed from (relatively) peaceful Imperial world
>Recounting money and goods acquired
>tanks of recaf
>Militarum supplies
>container of rare Saint Celestine body pillows
>not sure if heresy or holy
>warp travel to backwater shithole in nowhere to test
>trade supplies with local Guard
>one dude is pretty interested in Celestine
>has rare pattern of Lasgun with him!
>trades it for a pillow and some recaf!!
>EasyTrade.profit
>immediately depart and return to trade route
>listen in on all channels
>long range vox
>astropathic messages
>refitted Tau comma array
>psychic Webway link
>we have a Webway link?
>will double check Eldar stash later
>...
>....
>.....
>pick up inquisitorial chatter
>ohShit.Heresy
>pick up traitor guard signals
>ohShitDouble.Heresy
>Tau comms light up
>ohShitExtra.Heresy
>word of sudden Ork infestation
>ohSh...what?
>Eldar Webway activity in the subsector
>what's going on?
>Space marine signals appear
>now wha-
>Deathwatch enter the fray
>at least 4 Marine Chapters show up
>suddenly planet is Tombworld
>fucking Necrons in the fray
>fucking AdMech interested now
>a fucking Chaos artefact in my hold is going epileptic in red, blue, green, and purple
>Emperor preserve them
>reports of Rogue Trader now supplying everyone with war material
>FuckMe.lostprofit
>Tyranid screeching from psyker deck
>buggers are somehow interested too
>activity from everyone literally triples
>no sign of this cyclonic shitshow slowing down
>heresy train has no brakes
>decide to be rid of body pillows
>immediately stop at nearest shipping hub
>find Munitorum ships preparing to leave
>sneak container of body pillows aboard
>profit in regular trade and gtfo
>relieved it went flawlessly
>TheEmperor.Protects
>Munitorum fleet begins to depart
>listen in on convoy chatter before jumping out
>Destination is Cadia

> be Slaneshi Por'o
> convert all other T'au to glorious Slanesh. Only some faggy Firecast and the Ethereal refuse
> fuck 'em
> edlessarmies.chaos
> Slanesh is most happy when I kill Eldar and eat their stones
> sad when I murderrape Necrons or Orks though
> the more I murderrape and consume the prettier I become
> I'mSoFuckingHot.greatergood
> whole fucking Craftworld appears
> endlesscrystals.greatergood
> fuck it I'm leaving the boring shits behind
> time to ram our ship into it
> oh Slanesh, after I consume that thing I'll be so hot everyone will forget that Celestine Thor


Soon this whole war will be fought over me and my beauty. Fuck you Celestine, you're an 8/10 at best.

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>be eldar
>Slaanesh cultists
>On top of Necrons and incoming Nids
>Still not able to back up the guardsmen thanks to those damn space marines
>Only other allies are likely so far into their plans within plans they might as well be tzeench marines, so we're not in the running
>PLUS we can't go back, Nids are definitely that way
>Mfw we're in a shit sandwich, and we're the sause

By the Emperor's golden balls, I didn't expect the conflict to escalate to this level, guess I'll keep you guys updated on what happened

>After Commissar Xenofucker left for his tau waifu and some of his traitor allies, the inquisitor left with his forces to go hunt him down
>I was promoted to regiment commander, while carrying around my body pillow of Saint Celestine
>I was left to fight off the Tau forces until the Necrons wake up, it wasn't all bad until the orks came

Lemme say, orks are the most interesting dammed thing to fight

>On the frontlines, ordering guardsmen to crush a Tau fortifacation, Saint Celestine pillow strapped to me for protection, not only that but it is soft comfort on the battlefield
>On my right flank, I see a meteor crash into the surface of the planet, destroying one of my Leman Russ tanks
>LockNLoad.las
>Orks firing guns indiscrimately at both my forces, and the splintered Tau
>I order my men to bayonet charge them, as I attempt to affix my bayonet to my lasgun
>FORTHEEMPEROR.Vox
>As we were charging, one of the orks got lucky and shot my lasgun out of my hand, destroying it
>Only thing I have left is another bayonet, and the celestine pillow
>Orks are still firing at us, some of them are charging while bellowing out their bloody warcry
>Most of my men are chopped to bits as I figure something out
>On the spot, guess it was emperor's blessing, I hid behind a nearby rock, and strapped the bayonet onto the pillow of Celestine
>An ork in purple rounds the corner to see me affixing my bayonet, I swing the pillow at him and it instantly decapitates him
>My men are inspired as we hold the line, I'm still beating orks with the now bayonet affixed pillow, we end up being saved by a bunch of astartes who were called to this planet

I'm still going back to base, posting on my dataslate, I guess the emperor has truly blessed this artifact, no ork blood has managed to stain the image of Celestine, even though I'm covered in it

> be ork biggun
> da baddest biggun side from da warboss
>warboss sayz he found a good foit tween the ermprah's boyz and sum fish boyz
>can't wait ta get to krumpin.

gots me choppa, maybe I'z gets ta chop up some o dem space mahreens!

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>Be Khorne Berserker
>Find out Blood God has sent daemons to a planet where Imperials, Necrons, Tau (fucking limp-armed weaklings), Orks, and Eldar are fighting.
>FunTimes.fury
>Decide to get my warband involved cause there's fuck-all else to do in this sector
>Wondering what thr cause of the fighting is. Not that it matters, but I like to know so I know what we're getting once everyone else is dead
>This all started over a Celestine body pillow
>FuckingSlaaneshiShit.rage
>Someone's attatched a bayonet to it and started killing orks with it
>NowI'mInterested.rage
>I want this weapon for myself
>Tell the warband we're crashing our ship right in the thick of it, then climbing out and killing everyone
>There will be no method of retreat until the war is over
>That body pillow will be mine.

Heres an update on the conflict in this sector, which people can use for reference:
> A Loyalist legion of (Cadian?) Guardsmen, flying the banner of a bodypillow of Saint Celestine
> A T'au-turned legion of (Cadian?) Guardmen, lead by a weaboo Comissar
> T'au forces, along with a sizible fleet
> A task force of Inquisitors, exposers of aformentioned treason
> Group of Biel-Tan and other craftworld Eldar, many of which are actively seeking Mon-Keigh to fuck and failing at it.
> Awakening Necrons (because of course its a tomb world) whom desire the pillow banner so that they may go back to sleep
> One or multiple armies of Orks drawn by the shitshow who desire the Pillow Banner as warloot
> Multiple Ultramarine chapters
> A Kill Team of the Deathwatch, containing at least one Blood Raven
> A portion of the Emperors Devine Fists, a space marine chapter originally of the Imperial Fists
> Genestealers!
> Incoming Tyranids, lured by aformention genestealers
> A wolverine regiment of Amerigo Secundus
> One or more rouge traders, selling weapons to multiple armies
> Plague Marines, along with most likely other chaos marine chapters
> Daemons from various gods, drawn by the horrendous chaos occuring on the planet
> Mechanicus and various other supportive groups

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Let me in the screencap senpai

> be former leader of local Slaneshi Cult
> shit went south here very quick, some innocent twat has a body pillow he only snuggled with yet everyone pushes this shit onto us.
> fucking Orks, Necrons and Tyranids all here and none of it any good for murderraping!
> incomming message.murderrape
> The T'au are calling.
> proposing alliance
> fuckers agree to join the CUlt wif we do some Greater Good shit
> lol OK
> wait why do their dimplomats get so many blessings from Slanesh?
> wtf!?
> their leader seems to fucking be an expert at this
> mfw. she's murderfucking fucking Necrons
> mfw. the bitch decides to crash into a Craftworld
> mfw. she is still maniacally laughing on how goddamn hot she is and murderraping everything in sight... inspite of loosing 90% of her frew
> mfw. Slanesh sends her daemonic reinforcements
> fucking bitch... getting so much prefferential treatment
> fucking Craftworld Tyranids fighting Eldar and the T'au bith murderraping them indiscriminately

How is life fair? I've been faithfully murderraping for slaness for decades, meanwhile this horse-legged bitch comes along and after a few hours is about to ascend into Daemonhood. Fucking diversity hire.

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>>60644521
You got it right about our outfit of guardsmen, Cadians true and true


>Hear distress signal from nearby platoon
>Officer in charge explains Chaos has landed, and some khorne berserker wants the Celestine Pillow for some reason
>One of the cultists that was captured was a slaneeshi heretic who obviously wanted the body pillow to defile Saint Celestine's image
>Decide to go help them out
>As I listen in on the telecommunicator, I hear that Genestealers are nearby, and that Deathwatch Astartes are on the planet too
>One of them happens to be one of those bloody magpies
>Remember encountering those guys, fuck them, they stole all of the regiments supply of recaf and it was shitty

Seems the Valkyrie is about to land, Emperor Protect, /tg/guard

>>60644774
We'd be more than happy to help you mon'keigh out of this warpshitstorm but, you know...deathwatch

If it's any consolation, we don't know WHAT the fuck is going on. We just going to purge the parasitic nids before they consume this world, if that...pillow...can in any way help, we'd appreciate the assistance

>>60639000
>if you're found Innocent
Ha
Haha
Hahahahahahaha

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>Be Apothacary Maleus of the Silver Skulls serving secondment to the Deathwatch
>After diging myself and the rest of the Kill Team free of the wrecked Thunderhawk we join our Sargent and Devestator
>They have finished chasing off a small force of Tau and Sargent Raphiel is conversing with the IG
>We learn the relic is not some random Sister of the Celestine rank, but rather THE Saint Celestine
>the sound of Brother Icarus' erection hitting his power armor is like an artillery shell impacting.
>Emprahpreseverus.pictcapture
>Now, the Deathwatch is fairly good about helping Chapters get over their individual hangups to bond together.
>For Example, Sargent Raphiel remebers he has weapons other than his chainsword
>Brother Martin, who is from the Black Templars, has not tried to kill our Epistolary in three weeks
>And Brother Icarus does not steal OUR spare magazines anymore.
>But this...?
>Brother Raphiel gives the IG a comchannel to keep in contact with us, and we fuck off to do our Deathwatch thing
>Of course, we are in a target rich environment, so a preferred kill order must be established.
>After some discusion, the Necrons are declared the greatest threat. They are mostly asleep now, but...
>After that Tau
>ROKSFALLEVERYONEWAAAAAAGHS.LAUDHAILER
>We glance at our equipment.
>We came armed for thick armor, not hordes of fleshy enemies
>That's going to be a problem.
>We may need to get some different weapns from some of the other Chapters here.
>It's not like a Rouge Trader would have the sacred weapons forged only for the hands of the Emperor's Angels of Death in their holds
>Everyytime we try to get close to another Chapter though, they bolt and start locking everything down the second they spot Brother Icarus
>SilverSighs.vox
>Well whatever, let's just deal with the Necrons already

> be Guardsman

> fighting all around you

> you're following into batle a guy wielding a Body Pillow with a Bayonett on it

>the same guy was your roommate, you heard him cry himself to sleep into that pillow every night
>that guy is leading you into battle against
-Orks
-Necrons
-Tau remants
-Slaneshi T'au
-Plague Marines
-Khornite Marines
-Tyranids
-Traitor Guard (Rogue, T'au, Chaos type)

> meanwhile Eldar keep flirting with the higher up military brass while avoiding the Deathwatch

> thy're escapint their Genestealer invaded Craftworld... which also was invaded by the aforementioned Chaos T'au

>oh and it exploded

> I think I can hear Saint Celestine Cry somewhere

> no not the pillow

Eh... anyway time to follow the Pillow Guy's charge... he's in charge now.

>

>>60645305
Hey now, there's TWO sets of craftworld guys here. We aren't flirting, we're trying to hold of a nid invasion thanks, a little help would be appreciated

And the craftworld isn't dead yet, but it'll be a BIG problem if it isn't cleansed soon
Donkey

>>60645404
Well it is curently besiged by Tyranids and murderraping Slaneshi Cultists.

Ya'll knifeears might want to go back there instead of teleporting out and flirting with Gurdsmen. I've already seen many of your girls throwing themselves at Human dick while a guy tried to pretend to be a psyker... to woo one.

I seriously can see how you spawned Slanesh.

ey b0ss, gibe pillow pls

>>60645470
Do you honestly think that's what our craftworld isn't TRYING to do?! Most of our ones are wraith guard they don't even HAVE sexual organs to drive their undead heads!

The others are obviously drukhari if they're such sexual deviants. Hell, if that's the case that explains everything...

Gods above, get me off this world

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>Be Apothecary Maleus of the Silver Skulls, serving secondment to the Deathwatch
>Our hunt for the Necron is proceeding smoothly
>We first encouted a few Flayed Ones but Brother Icarus' Lascannon, as well as our Techmarines Plasma gun did a find job melting them into puddles that could not reanimate
>Sargent Rapheil and Brother Martin seem downtrodden that none of the Flayed Ones got close enough for them to charge
>The rest of us are relived
>Have you ever seen a Blood Angel and Black Templar charge into melee side by side before?
>Aside from the almost comedic leves of gore and blood spray it is also... I am not certain but I think the word I am looking for is Horrifying
>Ishallknownofear.shrug
>Still, that seems right.
>The Techmarine clicks and whirrs a bit before indicating which direction we should go to find more Necron
>He negleted to mention just how many we would find
>Green gauss energy whips over us all as we move to cover
>I begin seeing to wounds on my Brothers as they lay down fire
>The Necron Horde advance slowly and steadliy
>Behind them a Pylon is begining to emerge from the ground
>Our Techmarine yells for Icarus to change targets
>the Horde of Necrons is close now
>Brother Martin and Sargent Raphiel charge, as expected
>It is even worse, somehow.
>The contrast of my Brother's rage and bloodlust with the Necrons utter silence as they are chopped into tiny bits and peices
>Save Icarus the rest of us break cover to stomp and bolt and blast what bits begin moving towards each other
>Then the Pylon detonates
>The blast knocks us all off our feet
>Save Brother Icarus, who was still in cover
>he comes out to grab what appear to be earmuffs off a few Necrons
>One pylon down.
>Repaircementandnarthecium.pict
>On to the next

>>60645531
> be random Guardsman
> after some complaining random Eldar pops out
> wherediditcomefrom.vox
> keeps complaining about the other slutty eldar and the shit going on up in craftworld
> wants to leave
> I want to leave too
> I'm Guardsman so I can't, need to die for the Emperor
> wish I was Eldar, wouldn't have to die for the Emperor
>Eldar are also hot
> fuck I heresied
>back to shooting stuff, let's get along with the Eldar Roboute said we are supposed to be freinds now

>pushes Eldar's head down as Deathwatch guys looking for anti Tyranid weapons run by

>sighs and resumes shooting whatever the Bodypillow-Guy is pointing at now

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>>60645589
>Be Brother Sargent Raphiel
>Things have not gone as keikaku, not from the first moment we "landed" on this world
>There are enemies here we are not armed for
>The relic is much more significant than our inital breifing suggested
>Brother Icarus has kept his kleptomania in check for now, but it is only a matter of time
>And those Emperor damned Necrons don't even have the decency to bleed for me.
>Take a sip from my waste reclemation tube
>stillthirsty.vox
>As we move our Epistolary informs me, through the Deathwatch's battle cant, that he has picked up the minds of Eldar flitting about
>They are trying hard to avoid us
>I frown.
>Eldar like to hate Necrons
>Eldar are also smug pricks that think we can't solve any problems ourselves
>A soulution dawns on me
>I speak loudly through my external vox, in plain High Gothic, running down our target priorty to my brothers
>1. Necron
>2. Tau
>3. Orks
>Sargent, I feel something casting a large shadow on the Warp.
>Blink.
>1.Tryanids
>2.Necron
>3.Tau
>4.Orcs
>5. Space Gophers
>7. Anything else not Human
>8.Xenos loving Humans
>32. Stupid Knife Ears
>If I can get the Eldar to fight the Necron for us, we can focus on things that bleed
>Now where are those Ultramarines? Or the Emperor's Divine Fists? We need more fire if we're going to handle these nids properly
>It is then the Daemonets show up.

> be kid Eldar still on Craftworld
> keep running away from crazy giant mutant T'au-thing
> keep running from Tyranids
> keep running from Genestealers
> keep running from Daemons
> hide under Table
> don't listen to the bad noises, don't listen to the bad noises, DON'T LISTEN TO THE BAD NOISES

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>be eldar
>Craftworld is in full chaos
>Now slaaneshi cultists (tau ones at that) are dive-bombing into the ship
>Most of us are off it, so they're just fighting the wretched space parasite
>good, maybe that will thin the numbers so we can reclaim it
>All the mon'keigh on the planet surface are preoccupied fighting orks, chaos, Necrons and more bloody nids
>They think we're flirting with their higher ups
>Whatinthenameofkhain.warp
>Obviously not good, situation on all fronts is dire, likely that the flirting is those blasted drukhari messing up our survival plan
>Head to farseer after "negotiations" with some of those imperial guard types, ask what the plan is
>She's white as a ghost
>Liliathnowhatareyouthinking.panic
>She suggests that there's too many terrifying blights to not attempt to wipe out
>Tells me to get a hold of the mon'keigh leader with the pillow and his troops
>Her plan? Warp us on the craftworld, fight to the bridge, fire engines, ram the planet's battlezone, wipe the whole field
>Mfw she wants to exterminatus the planet and the craftworld, pull the mon'keigh and us out before the blast
>Mfw this could just escalate our problems even further
>Mfw we're probably all gonna die because some dipshit brought a genestealer on board
Send help. Fast

>Be Necron Lord
>Finally wake up from my ditch nap
>Still a bit tired, but it helped
>Shake scarabs off
>Notice my staff is missing
>It's nowhere in the other ditches
>Not sure what happened to it but I don't really care, it was mostly just to look cool than be useful
>Getting a bunch of messages from other necrons
>Can't even hear them because of earmuffs
>Take my earmuffs off and listen in
>Learn the Tyranids and even more chaos forces are making planet fall
>Learn that there are ships selling more pillows to the parasites
>Rethink plans for a bit while something blocks out the sun for a moment
>Look up
>See a massive chaos ship nose dive Right into the fray
>Explosion frys my muffs
>FuckingChaos.Scarab
>Grab a nearby Necron sword that doesn't look too decrepit
>Start giving orders to attack the ships containing pillows

>>60641243
We shall call it the Holy Pillow Wars.

>>60641243
what was the cold shoulder incident again ?

>>60639758
Look at where you are. Sperging is what comes naturally

> be Aun'el

> was supposed to be easy mission

> seduce some Guardsmen, have them switch sides, gain new planet

> it didn't work...

> it didn't work at all...

> 90% of my people became sparkly pink thingies and deserted

> Space Marines killed most of the other 10%

> this planet is not worth much... right?

> I should not call reinforcements...

> they won't make it in time anyway... we're surrounded anyway

> they won't make it in time anyway

> I don't want to die... I'm affraid

> I called for reinforcements...

I'm fucking scum for ruining the lives of my bretheren for a lost war out of egoism. I sure wish I had a Gua'la Bodypillow I could hug to calm down.

>>60645930
Another thread chain simmilar to this one buch much, much longer.

A youtuber "The Neckbeard Cave" has recorded a big chunk of it as a youtube series.

>>60645972
THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T FUCK WITH MON'KEIGH'S HEADS, IT DEVOLVES TO GROX SHIT EVERY TIME

SHIT, now I have to convince a bunch of them to do a double "exterminatus" as they call it, but not before we get as many of our peoples out of here. And lord knows there's only one group who can help us pull off THAT shit

Time to go have a chat with deathwatch, someone pass me a wall to hide behind

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>Be Dark Angel
>Minor Psyker left tallent undevolepd since the Empreror decided only He could be a superhuman in power armor AND use Psychic Powers at Nikea
>Old Friend shows up, his blue Terminator armor looking spiffy as always
>tfw I was able to find enough spare peices of dreadnought armor to make a functioning suit for him
>He says there is a huge fight going on, over relic pillow of the Saint Celestine
>This is a bigger joke than when the Lion got back to Caliban.
>Alright, enough being coy.
>My "Old Friend" the Thousand Son's Sorcer wants us to go ruin everyone else's Keikaku
>He needs my help because while I'm not much of a Sorcerrer myself I'm damn good at binding demons to things like tanks and weapons
>tfw I made his deamon bound Force Staff.
>Hey, I needed to make sure that I could bind the demon properly before I made one for myself.
>Wouldn't do to have my own sword posses me, you know?
>The Terminator Armor was just to get him used to accepting gifts from me.
>The one I'm working on now will make him as loyal to me as the Dustbunny is loyal to him
>Alright, so what's the situation?
>Under his helmet I can feel Thousand Son smile.
>We're going to save an Eldar Craftwrold from the Tryanid
>wat
>There's a bunch of Slaneshi Tau on board said Craftworld
>Ohhhh.
>I'm curious to see what a demon bound to a wraithbone construct can do, aren't you?
>Fuck yeah.laudhailer
>Okay, I'm in. But if I catch even a HINT of Raven Garud I'm warpnoping right the fuck out.
>Grab Atrocitous, my pet "Obliterator"
>Really just another Chaos Marine with an arm that mutated into a Plasma Canonn.
>Close enough for my purposes though.
>Off we go.
>Think about how much Favor Slaneesh will show me when I offer xir an entire Infinity Circuit
>mfw

>>60632606
As a Craig, fuck you and I hope the Comissar executes you.

>>60646044
Raven Garud

>RavenWING
>I meant RavenWING
>Damn I'm too excited.

>>60645930
>>60646003
It's also on 1d4chan
https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Stercus_Ludicrum

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>>60645972

>Be Shas'El
>Good news, turns out it wasn't the ethereal's idea to start fucking our enemies to death
>Bad news, the idea caught on anyway and most my forces deserted to go play "hide the bonding knife"
>I knew skipping reproductive service to get out here faster would bite us in the ass
>All I've got left is a hammerhead and what remains of my cadre
>Figured that morale should at least hold, since we're keeping Aun'El J'karra safe from that horny excuse for a Por'O
>Except she's on the verge of tears over this whole operation going tits up and seeing your spiritual leader in that state does a number on the average shas'la

Does anyone know a way to cheer up a depressed superior? I don't think the fire caste technique of yelling at her until she gets her shit together's gunna work.

>>60646155
> Be Aun'la

> just fucked over and called for renfircements to a lost battle

> am sitting around depressed for no reason

> the few remaining men are loosing morale

> goddamnit! I'f I already screwed up I need to go all in!

> At least let me die a marty!

> forthegreatergood.auxilary

> pick up ceremonial, melee weapon

> pretend to be fine and like scream patriotic stuff

> release more feromones

> decide to hold out as long as possible

> let's at least kill the pillow guy, he cause all of this

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>>60644774

>Valkyrie lands middle of battlefield, our men are surrounded by chaos forces, all while fighting off Tyranids, orks and other filthy xeno races
>Officer in charge tells me there's a khorne berserker running around obsessing over the celestine body pillow
>Artillery rounds are going off everywhere, planet looks like it's made out of craters rather than the swamp it used to be
>At Least it smells better
>Decides to rally the men to fight off the chaos, show them the true might of the imperium
>Hop on top of one of our tanks, points bayonet affixed body pillow towards the heretics running up our trenches
>ToTheLastManAndLastRound.Bayonet
>Run over a few cultists while our men are in hand to hand combat with some daemons
>DammItFeelsGoodToPurge.Vox
>As we are charging, khorne berserker who is obsessing over the holy celestine body pillow sees me
>He mounts on top of my tank, decapitating some of my men in the process with his chain axe
>I shield myself with the celestine pillow, Emperor protect
>Before He cuts me down with it, an artillery shell explodes nearby, flipping the tank over, knocking us everywhere

>Be Sargent Raphael
>Fighting Deamonets
>Deamonic Ichor everywhere
>close enough for me
>Still, there's a lot.
>My Brothers are killing handily but as has been mentioned a Lascannon is not so good for a small horde
>Shuriken fire out of nowhere
>Warp flames and lightning that isn't coming from our Epistolary
>Deamonets fuck off back to the warp
>Eldar begins to yell at me from behind a very thick wall
>Says it's Craftworld is under seige by SlaneshTau and Nids
>Stop, you are breaking my hearts
>And that if keeps going the Craftworld will crash into this planet
>Pretty sure even a Space Marine cannot survive a direct hit from a craftworld
>Glance at Epistolary, but he just shrugs
>Of course he would not be able to read the mind of an Eldar.
>This leaves a sour taste in the back of my mouth
>Leaving one type of xeno alone in favor of killing another one is one thing.
>Making a deal with one.
>That's fucking Heresy
>On the other hand... so is wasting Geneseed
>...
>look at my Brothers
>Techmarine and Icarus want to go
>....when the hell did Icarus get that new staff?
>Martin wants to kill the Xenos
>His face has gone from red to purple with rage, and it's rapidly aproaching a black as deep as his armor.
>Fuck it.
>Calm you chainaxe Martin, we're going to hear them out.
>He sputters
>Later Martin. We'll kill the Xenos knife ears last. I promise.
>He calms himself down
>What is it you need from us, Eldar?
>mfw I'm TALKING to fucking xeno https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzmZOU5hVr8

>>60642877
>Saint Celestine herself appears on the battlefield
>reads your impure thoughts
>makes a beeline for you
>fall on your back trying to scramble away
>her majestic wings and stern expression make her look even more intimidating
>OhEmperorBonerWhy.vox
>she leans towards you
>"Ara ara~"
>instant diamond
>she flashes a superior smile your way before flying away
>forever
Why won't this ever happen to me, brothers?

>Be sanctioned psyker and what the fuck is even going on at this point?
>xenos everywhere
>space marines everywhere
>foul chaos servants everywhere
>Idontwannabepossessed.warp
>I am now under the command of the loyalist weeabo after he decapitated a foul xenos with his fucking waifu pillow
>be idly probing the minds of my fellow guardsmen for updates on the situation because fuck trying to find one that's willing to talk to me again
>hear a few vaguely heretical thoughts but nothing too concerning
>that changes after scanning this one guardsman
>he complains about the dying for the Emperor
>he finds the foul Eldar attractive
>he HID a fucking xeno from the Emperor's angels
>mfw
>this will not do
>time to use the guardsmen's fear of me to nip this in the bud
>creep up behind the fucker and give him a quick nonlethal spark to the back of his neck
>get up in his face when he turns around
>"I'm going to be nice and not tell anyone what I just heard you thinking this time, but if I hear it again I'm going to boil you alive in your skin like I plant to do that heretic Commisar"
>don'tletmecatchyouslippin.lightining
>fry an ork that was charging behind the guardsman to emphasize my point before returning to the battle
>I only hope he realizes this is all for his benefit

> be Slaneshi Por'o

> no by now I have transcended anything T'au and have become a transcendental creature

> I've grown long swirled horns and my hoved leggs have been partly covered in fluffy dlowy fur. I've grown multiple scaly apendages dirm enough to tear easily trough adamantium, but as sensual as to be able to experience even the slightest pleasure with them. I seem to have grown to a size dwarfing an Imperial Drendnaught

> keep wandering around

> Daemonettes are comming out , but less and less

> wtf?

> oh, a Zoantrope. Murderrape time

> My T'au allies supress it with ranged fire as I sneak up on it and start murderraping it

> the poor thing thinks it's green lightning does anything

> the poor thing is in so much agony it opens up multiple warp rifts

> yaymoredaemons.greatestgood

> I have transcended all what is T'au. The Greater Good is no good anymore. We all need to serve the Slaneshi Greatest Good.

> I feel it I'm becomming more and more beutiful, more and more pefect

> still those stupid materials keep fighting over the pillow of Celestine

> what's so great about her? She's not even that hot? I'm much, much better.

> doesnotmatter.chaos

> I can feel it. I can feel the Soulstone. As if there were millions of them crammed in a tight space.

> They are calling me. I need to consume.

> I will consume!

> I start ripping my way trough the walls and floors of the Craftworld making my way sytematically towards the surce of energy while murderraping everything on my way.

> once I reach it I will be perfect

I've become transcended. Soon enough the war will switch. Nobody will care about that damn pillow. Soon all will be fighting to even be able to take a look at my perfect vissage. Hail Slanesh!

>time to execute phase 1: acquire allies
>Of course deathwatch is first on the list
>Fucking hate talking to marines, they're the hardest to negotiate with
>Say craftworld is going to crash into planet if we don't do something about it
>Surprisingly two of them want to go
>Absolute madmen but ok, that means we've got SOME hope of reclaimation
>Explain that if we can get on that ship we can fight through to the controls and stop its collision course
>Well, stopping it is option one
>Option two will probably peak their interest
>Suggest that if we get the guardsman with his pillow artifact, it could give us the divine strength to purge the whole ship of heretics (they love that word)
>Option three, we warp out the imperial loyalists using the ship's technology, keep it on its collision course, but this time the only casualties are heritics, xenos and daemons
>Either way they get to purge, maybe their blood raven fellows get some new artifacts, humans win every situation
>But obviously priority is get to ship, stop it crashing, purge any slaanesh lover that tries to nick a soul stone, get out, deal with crippled troops
>Hope to gods they follow through, I'm not in the mood to die in a firey explosion, fuck that farseer man

>>60646681
>>60646321

> the poor Guardsman is beyond shocked

> just a momment ago he hid the Eldar from the Deathguard

> then the psycher nearly killed him for it

> now the Deathguard formed an alliance with the Eldar

> Come on mr.psycher. Go on zapp the deathwatch.

> hypocrite.coward

> overhears plan

> plan is shit... oh God neither the Marines nor the Knifeear know what the holy artifact is

> fuck or or tell them?

> ...

> sands up

> whispers into the Elder's ear (making it transmitt the words to the marines as well

> "You see that holy artifact... well um. It is a somewhat commerically aviable product. Um... you use it when you are lonely you know... to calm your nerves. I know the guy who'se holding it we've been roommates. Maybe it'd be better to leave the bodypill... artifact alone... you don't know what might have beeen done to... I mean it holds no true power."

Oh, shit. I'm fucked. They are all staring at me all around marines and such. This is scarry. Should have kep my mouth shut.
Emperor pls protec.

>Be inquisitor hunting down Comissar xenofucker
>Planet has been progressively going to more and more shut
>Turns out most of the Tau have started to worship Slaanesh
>I appointed some guardsman with a body pillow of Celestine to be in charge while I pursue
>On my planetary Vox, I'm hearing he's purging the enemies of the imperium with the pillow and the madman even attached a bayonet to it
>Everyone is calling it a holy relic, and I'm out here fighting these space commies
>Find where the Xenofuckers are hiding
>NobodyExpectsTheInquisiton.Servitor
>As we're raiding a Tau warship, we get hit by some fucking orks
>We crash on some eldar craftworld, filled with nids and some pink Tau led by some daemon tau thot

And I thought being an inquisitor on this job would be easy

>be archon
>at morning drugged up orgy
>yawn.splintermind
>haemonculus bursts in gibbering about some slave races fighting over some pillow with the image of some filthy mon'keigh
>I'm lying on 45 of the exact same pillow right now
>he wants to go collect flesh for his latest abomination
>sure.webway
>realize that with all these fools concentrated on one planet I can raid the surrounding sector super easily
>pillage.rape
Maybe if I'm lucky I can get in before Vect takes everything

>>60647230
Isn't the surrounding sector Ultramar?

Anyway good luck raiding that m8.

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>be primaris psyker
>inquisition still hasn't figured out that we mind-controlelled the commissar
>bros suggest we make a psychic copies of the body-pillow
>whythefucknot.warp
>we do just that
>scatter the psychic copies all around the base
>waiting for the shitstorm with my psyker bros
>our feel when

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>>60646916
>Overhear what this artifact is
>It's just a body pillow
>A fucking pillow
>Still, said pillow is a symbol of morale
>Even if it's normal its owner is blessed with divine luck
>That's a fucking artifact in my books if it's kept him alive this long
>Say back that even if it's "just a pillow" there's so much shit going on to get it that moving it to the craftworld could pull the fight off the planet and help civilians and people who REALLY don't want to be here escape. Plus it means that if shit goes south it's on a much more disposable platform, at least by human standards, so you've got free reign to purge (hint hint, deathwatch)

>Also you're next to a psyker, stop whispering
>If you want to get out alive you're gonna have to trust us
>I'm being so transparent with these people
>mfw millennia of scheming means they probably don't trust my "stuck up" ass
>mfw I just want to not be a corpse today

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>Be me.
>Archon of a Kabal no one gives a shit about.
>Sitting on my throne, thinking of the depraved shit I want to do later.
>anotherdayinparadise.webway.
>An underling bursts into my throne room.
>Says there's some huge party going down somewhere in realspace.
>The mon'keigh are fighting each other again, the naive T'au are backing some of them up.
>Our Craftworld cousins are there too. Staying true to the family tradition of fucking things up for everyone else.
>The vile Necrons have woken up on that world. Out of all the planets...
>The greenskins are there too. Filthy creatures.
>Tyranids as well.
>bykhaine.torture.
>I ask him why.
>He says it's over a body pillow of some mon'keigh saint or some Warp Beast-shit.
>I take my body pillows stitched in flesh and the screams of the damned, thank you very much.
>I check /tg/ real quick to see what everyone's saying.
>See >>60647230.
>Fucking X'orak is going raiding in the surrounding sector.
>thatpieceofshit.vect.
>This is my chance to crush him once and for all.
>I tell the boys to start loading up.
>norestforthewicked.commoragh.

> be Ascended Por'o of Slanesh

> bad news Orks and Inquisitors are now too on the Craftworld

> more bad news the Inquisitors are hunting me and the Craftworld is about to exterminatus the planet and itself

> good news, for some reason T'au reinforcements are comming

> IKeptMyCommunicationDevice.thankslanesh

> tell them the situation, pretending to be my Ugly self

> Their Air and Fire Cast agree it's more important to keep the Craftworld from falling than reinforcing the land troups

> still they send about half of their men down

> shit is going splendidly

> I'm prettier than I ever was

> I'm super close to the amalgamation of millions of Soul Stones

Life is Good

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>>60646263


>Get dazed from the artillery shell that flipped the tank over
>Tank has crushed the khorne berserkers limbs, I see some of my men jabbing him with their bayonets
>GoodWorkBoys.Vox
>I am sent flying through the air, celestine pillow still strapped onto me, I expect to hit the ground hard
>Luckily the pillow cushioned my fall as I land straight into a crater
>As I gain my bearings, I kiss the pillow for luck, praising the emperor for my safety
>Suddenly hear a bloody cry
>Daemonette runs up towards me, asking why I worship such idols, saying she is better than celestine
>FuckOffHeretic.Bayonet
>Bro from my regiment, Marcus kicks daemonette off of me and fills her with plasma, he grabs me and brings me and the pillow to safety

When shit couldn't get worse, I end up seeing this shit

>Suddenly see dark eldar ships swooping through, kidnapping cultists and guardsmen alike
>One of them gets shot down, I see it narrowly miss one of those astartes, he was wearing red armor, couldn't tell if he was a blood angel or one of their successors
>He asks me for the relic, saying that his chapter could protect it
>I tell him that the emperor has blessed this relic for me and he should bugger off
>He is persistent and ends up trying to take the celestine body pillow from me
>he is strong and gets a grasp on it, starts to run away with the holy relic
>my guys find a transport, and now we're chasing after this bloody astartes for the relic

I'm certain the emperor blessed me to protect this relic, dont know why, all I know is I need it back

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>Be Techmarine Ulanor of the Deathwatch
>Been renewing my Oath every single time it expires.
>I can barely remember my parent Chapter anymore. The Deathwatch is my true home
>Love repurposing heretical xeno tech, replacing their malign machine spirit with one of pure Human FUCK YOU
>The Deathwatch have a LOT of leeway with heretical shit.
>The chance to get ON a craftworld is too good to pass up.
>Of course Icarus backs me up.
>Oh hey, that's nice staff he got.
>Sargent decides we need to stop that ship
>He pretends to be upset but I see his chainsword rev
>MFW the sarge is a redThirsty Bitch
>Sarge yells back to the Eldar we'll get on board and kill everything. IF you can get us some damn flamers.
>Space Marine Flamers. Not some gaurd issue garbage.
>Unless, of course, you WANT a lascanon used on board your Craftworld.
>I can hear the Knife ear practically break into tears at this prospect
>But Sarge has walked out in the open now.
>Well fuck, we're committed.
>At least no one has had the balls to second guess the Emperor's Angels. Yet.
>Rub my mechandrites in anticipation
>Share a smile with Icarus

>be dok
>just crashed onto a rok where everyone iz 'avin a proppa romp
>'umies
>blurburriez
>pointy earz
>spiky boyz
>dem tin can 'umies
>dem sleepy underground tin boyz
>pink screechiez
>summa dem bugboyz
>da bess romp oi've seen in weeks
>da ladz iz gettin roight proppa foighty wif dem 'umie ladz what wears da cereal boxes
>lookitalldembitz.wagh
>one uv da kommandoz gets 'iz 'ead chopped roight off
>by a 'lil 'umie wiv a sleepy-bit wots got a choppa on it
>oiamlaffin.grot
>mork givz me an idear
>no wait, izzat gork?
>iunno, but i gotz an idear
>douse meself in purple
>get da 'ead uv da kommando wen da 'umies ain't lookin
>find wunna dem blue bug thingz in a pile uv roight chopped boiz
>chop it's 'ead off
>patch up da 'oles and tears by weldin' plates and bits o' armor
>weld on some dakka while oi'm at it
>wire up da kommando'z ead to dis fing'z body
>giv 'er a good zap
>it wakes and starts screechin' louder than them pinkboyz
>tears me arm off in a rage, wurf it
>runz off in da direkshun uv dem spehss muhreenz
Gorkspeed, me boy.

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>>60648337
>Can see in this space marine's eyes what he's on about
>Heavy duty flamers
>He means to purge everything on the craftworld
>Fucking damn it there's still soulstones
>Wait soulstones....
>Worse comes to worst, the soulstones wake up as more wraiths when disturbed, hopefully we can get a wraithknight or ten to assist
>Best case? Marines and wraith support cleanse the ship, self ram prevented
>Time to suck it up
>Agree to acquire marine grade flamers, we can clean the burns later
>Part one almost successful, time to secure flamers
Better call the sisters of battle, because there's about to be a burning
[spoiler>mfw ]I'm ok with this, burn those damn nid off my ship

>Be LT Augustus
>After losing half of that scout squad we finally found the sacred body pillow
>Fuckyes.Dorn
>Then they tell us some fuck in red armor stole it and now they are chasing him
>Fuckingmagpies.Fist
>Wanted to go after him, but then get word of chaos tau taking over
>Vaguely recall some twin commissar pair and their guard regiments dealing with something similiar
>Decide to contact deathwatch team about assisting them in exchange for helping us retrieve the sacred pillow, along with keeping their magpie contained
>Thisiswherethefunbegins.vox

>Be Battle Brother Martin of the Deathwatch
>Glad my Chapter's Color is black, so the Deathwatch didn't need to repaint my armor as they did with all the others in my Kill-Team
>That joy is small comfort now.
>Sargent is being absolutly heretical in his deciosn to work WITH xenos to stop a craftworld from crashing on this planet
>200000% Mad. Voxcast
>If I have my way once we have slain all the tryanids and slanashtau we kill all the Eldar and blow the ships warp core
>Stuck up Blood Angel will likely not want to "bertray his word" or something
>It is hard to focus when you have the permiter secured while awaiting new weapons
>Sudenly focus very well
>There is something aproaching
>I manage to yell CONTACT just as a giant ork power claw rips through a building and a monstorostiy emerges
>It apears to be a half-tryanid half Kommando Half Mek-Boy
>it's shootas unload a storm of metal slugs at us
>I feel my face break into a grin as I charge at the thing, my chainaxe revving
>Despite it's abysmal aim, there is enough Dakka to blunt my charge
>A plasma bolt and follow up las shot stagger it, giving me time to resume my charge
>and then I have come to grips with it
>It's power claw tears a furrow from my pauldron and dislocates my shoulder
>I hack into it's knee trying to topple it
>the head of the Komando screams at me
>or perhaps it is just screaming
>it is stuck on a tryanid after all
>I get through the knee, but it does not fall
>Because it has five more legs
>I dodge the power claw
>And feel something perice my back
>I look down
>Scything tallons looped out over it's shoulders, around my body, and punched right through my ceramite armor
>Oh.
>ow.
>It's times like these I wish the Sons of Dorn had sus-an membranes
>...

> still be random Guardsman
> the Eldar and Space Marines have forgotten I'm there
> I don't care btter follow them than the lunatic and his Bodypillow
> I'm literally just tagging along with a bung of Eldar and Deathwatch
> I don't think they know I'm even there

>Be me, warlock from earlier
>Courageously and honorably hold the line
>Lead these troops since the farseer is being punished by fate for being a depraved slut
>You'd think the with morals like that on the planet a slaneshi cult would pop up
>Suddenly a second craft world appears.
>receive distress signals warning of genestealer, slaneshi cultists in an assortment of flavors, and nids
>If we don't do something the second ceaft world is doomed
>limited communication and out numbered five to one amd that's just what's attempting to break our line.
>time to be a big damn hero
>fall back to the transport and leave a few brave souls to cover our escape
>betteryouthanme.webway
>don't bother trying to get the farseer, her depravity is why we're in this mess as far as I'm concerned
>make our way to the second craftworld, troops getting antsy
>can't let them no I have no plan for escape

What i didn't realize is that I wasn't the only person with a plan to save the craftworld...or how badly I would mess it up

>>60648733
> be random Guardsman
> I understand why Guardsmen stay with Guardsmen now
> following the Deathwatch was a bad idea
> holy fuck Tyranid-Orks
> like Slanesht'au wasn't enough
> like a Craftworld crashing into us wasn't enough
> like a bodypillow becomming a holy relic wasn't enough
> I don't even care anymore
> I just start backing up Battle Brother Martin's charge with my puny lasgun while I'm crying
> literally nothing more than a fireworks show
> the worst part is that the necrons were doing jackshit for a while
> they are up to something

Oh god I wish I can go to the Craftworld right now. Like shit is probably ten times worse up there... but those Necrons... they've been quiet, too quiet they're planning something.

>>60639897
Emperor preserve me this is gonna be another Cold Shoulder incident isn’t it?

>Be very frustrated Farseer
>everyone is blaming this shitshow on me
>wtf.witchblade
>dont go pinning this on me, I'm not the one who tried to get the Mon'Keigh to join the Tau over some pillow with a golden thot on it!
>ijustwantedtogetlaid.soulstone

>>60649022
Don't worry, I'm sure you will find some Mon'Keigh one day.

>Be me, Guelaboo guardsman.
>Have a massive T’au fetish, fap to the blueberrys every day
>feelsgood.heresy
>Wake up, camp is noisier than usual
>Aparently the commisar is making a surprise inspection
>Fuck, he’s gonna find my porn
>Hastily take my magazines out of my tent and hide them in the closest i can find, ain’t gonna be turned into a servitor for this shit.
>Somehow manage to pass the inspection without spilling my spaghetti rations.
>See commisar go back into his tent
>You can probably see where this is going
>Fuck.parchment
>Expect to see people getting blammed left and right, but nothing happens. Absolutely nothing at all
>What
>Hear rumors about the commisar having a xeno fetish weeks after the whole week, and now this happens
Did i fuck up?

>>60649094
DONT PATRONIZE ME!
[Psychic Screeching Intensifies]

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>>60648630
>>60648733
Damnit I'm so miffed at this I can't type straight. Also WHAT THE FUCK, IS THAT AN ORKNID!?

...

>wake up
>Memory hazey, what the shit happened
>Comes back, I yelled at deathwatch to get to the craftworld asap
>Charged ork-nid with sword to attempt to release the marine, lord knows they've got the better guns
>Pain, goes hazey
>Did I fucking die?!
>Look down at new body
>Shit I died
>Bonus though, soul stone worked
>Now on craftworld
>Now a bitching cool looking titan
>Given a directive: protect the soulstones from slaaneshi daemons
>Mfw this was what it feels like to be a war machine
>Mfw I'm potentially an ace in the hole for the war effort
>Mfw I'm now more than well equipped to fight on
Time to go fucking bug and demon hunting

>still dok
>replaced me arm wiv a bug choppa
>and also an ork 'and on it
>'s prakticly good as new
>'kordin' to sum uv da grotz wot'z runnin' back tryin' ta stay alive, me first bugboy iz a 'uge hit
>dis iz great
>everyfin's great
>but oi can't just leave it at wun bugboy
>gets me sum boyz together
>tell 'em to go out 'n git me bug bodies, shootas, 'n ork bitz
>speshully da noggins
>while dey'z out gettin me stuff, eksplain da intrikussies uv puttin' orky bitz on bugz to da gretchinz
>dey getz it good 'nuff, oi fink

>a bit a toim later, da boyz start tricklin' in
>alldosebitsandblammies.grot
>it's toim
>set up da ussembly line
>before long we'z pumpin' out bugboyz, or Dok Guzzgut's 'Ungry Ladz as dey's now called uh-fish-uh-lee, like wagonz on a scrap planet
>git so efficient at it by da end uv da day dat we'z only losin' ten boyz to every bug boy we's lettin' loose
>da boyz is un'appy dat dey's makin' bug boyz an' not krumpin'
>oi'd like ta see 'em try an' bring it up wif me, now dat oi'm 'alf bug, 'alf dakka, all big boss ork
>it's been a good day

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>>60648895
>Be Techmarine Ulanor
>Sarge stops his charge halfway to support Brother Martin
>He goes to one knee and I see why
>The Orkyiest Tryanid I have ever seen pulls it's scything tallons in sperate directions and Battle Brother Martin's legs go off in diferent direction from his torso
>We scream in rage and open fire, now unconcerned about friendlies in the line of fire
>I note, dimly, that some lost Gaurdsman is adding his las gun fire to our assault
>Brother Martin's torso lands near the IG, covering him in blood and what I think is an Oolitic kidney
>The Nidork howls in blind fury and rushes at the nearest thing while sparying us with dakka
>The nearest thing happens to be that poor IG
>With concentraded Las, Plasma, and bolt fire the Nidork finally goes down, a power claw on the end of a scything tallon crashing down beside the IG's foot
>Our Epistolariy walks over to the IG and looks him up and down, slowly.
>Nods to himself
>Sargent, we must take him with us. I have Forseen this.
>Great. Martin has been dead for twenty seconds and he's already going on about warpshit.
>hear a noise
>look around
>Um.
>Brother Icarus?
>Is your staff beeping?

>>60649243
Calm down Macha, I can be your bf.

>>60647056
Shouldn't have picked Ordo hereticus then should you

>>60649290
This is the best shit ever.

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>Be Brother Sargent Raphael
>Everything has gone to shit
>an Orkanid has just slain one of my battle brothers
>Apothecary Maleus is seeing to his geneseed
>I have cut a deal with xenos
>Brother Icarus seems to have gotten his hands on a Necron staff that is now beeping
>And our nominal second in command, the Epistolary, has informed me I must take a blood drenched (and I am fairly certain urine soaked) IG with us to purge an Eldar Craftworld of Slanesh'tau, genesteaers, and tryanids.
>thismakesthebabySanguiniuscry.laudhailer
>At least we got our flamers
>Though the Eldar that delivered them died rushing at the Orkanid
>At least he pointed us to the webway gate that will take us to the Craftworld
>Onlywayoutisthrough.voxcast
>Emperor preserve what's left of my soul

>that 300 year old boomer that can't find a mon'keigh bf

>>60649343
> still be random Guardsman
> space Marine died
> elf-waifu died
> giant Ork-Tyranid-Robot maybe died
> I'm foretold in some Space Marine prophecy...
> wtf.thisshitisnuts
>Should have stayed with the pillow guy
>fuck
>let's keep following the Deathwatch, better than being left alone

Thank God I got splattered in all that blood at least you can't see or smell that I peed myself. Fucking Ork-robo-tyranid

>Be Guardsman
>Currently being chased by some Farseer with an incredibly predatory look in her eyes
>fearboner.chainsword
>I think she's been trying to get in my pants all day.
>Emperor above, there's a War going on, girl!
>You should focus more on survival instead of getting your cooter stuffed!
>Shit. She's faster than me.
>Probably stronger than me, too
>If she catches me, might as well let her have her way.
>beatsdeathbymindbullets.shrug

>>60639332
Look for a rich one, they don’t usually worry about being killed for heresy

>>60649273
> Be Slaneshtau Leader
> super strong and beutiful as always
> on my way to the core of the warpship
> ohfuckwhatisthis.shlanesh'sanus
>a fucking giant Eldar robot
> fuck, fuck FUCK!
> like a grew big, but this thing is like 5 times my size
> like I became strong, but this thing... oh my Slaneshi Greater Good
> devise ingenious plan
> I was a xenodiplomat afterall, that requires some intelligence. Mostly sluttyness, but also some intelligence.
> I can't go around this thing
> I can't wait untill it goes away
> IT['S STANDING ONF THE FLOOR
> I know it's obvious... duh
> hide behind corner
> start throwing Daemonetts and other Daemons at the thing
> good Tau's keep fireing around that beast
> a nice round whole
> just keep shooting untill it breaks and the thing falls down
> oh Slanesh please bells this Keikkaku

A bit of waiting and I can rush it for the core. Any of you know how to not get bored waiting?

>>60640754
Just vent the life support in the entire wing. Odds are there isn't anyone friendly left in there anyway.

>Be Necron Lord
>Trying to get through waves of Khorne Berserkers
>The bastards survived their ship crashing
>Takes way too long to get through since my teleporter had also been snagged by a fucking thief
>I try using the tracker to find out where my shit is
>It's on the other side of the battlefield
>C'Tanhelpme.Obelisk
>Turn on the tracker's beeper for other Necrons to locate
>I'm too busy to find it myself
>I hear what sound to be like a horrid mix between an Ork warcry and a Tyranid screech
>Decide to avoid that area
>See some flayed ones in a ditch making their own "Body pillows"
>Fucking disgusting
>I call in for reinforcements and for the flayed to stop dicking around
>C'Tan help me this day is just getting worse and worse

>>60643167
Can you not? Please?

>>60643256
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>>60649584
>might as well let her have her way.
You realize that there is no going back after that? Nothing else will do.

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>be sanctioned psyker
>things are continuing to spiral out of control much to my ever shrinking surprise
>loyalist waifu guard up and got his pillow taken by one of the Blood Ravens and is now in hot pursuit
>the heretical guardsman and his Eldar fuck puppet up and left with the death watch
>there are now fucking Orknidz
>hassciencegometoofar.waagh
>decided to stick with some of the guardsman that got splintered off from waifu boy since I really don't want to become a gift for the chapter if he catches up to the damned magpie
>notice a guardsman fleeing from a rapidly gaining Eldar female
>the bitch is like a space elf Fleece Johnson
>can't fight an Eldar in a psychic battle to help the poor bugger but I can't let him get raped by a xeno either
>right, I think I got this
>initiatewarpspeed.zoom
>swoop in with my unholy warp abilities and scoop the trooper up by his collar
>can hear the she xeno screeching behind me at the realization at the cockblocking has not yet ended
>mfw I can feel her gearing up to murder my ass with her mind
>fire a few bolts of lightning backwards and pick up the pace because I don't want to be turned inside out
>"You owe me at least five lho sticks for this, man."
>I swear if this doesn't get me atleast one friend in this godforsaken place I'm defecting

>Be Dark Angel
>Yes, THAT Dark Angel
>Wraithbone demon engine is almost up and running. Good thing too, because the biggest, meanist wraithbone thingy is between me and the infinity circuit.
>I doubt mine, run by a greater demon of Slanesh or not, could take that thing by itself.
>But this Slanesh'tau is here as well. Give it some back up, let it die fighting the behemoth, and get all them soulstones for myself
>Get telepathic comunication from Thousand Sons Buddy
>He has the relic
>Used his powers to disguise himeslf as a Blood Raven, since there was one on world already, and got the pillow away from the IG
>He sounds disturbed so I ask what's wrong
>He says it might just BE a holy relic.
>wat
>train of thought gobledegook nearly overloads my brainmeats
>lightoftheemprahcomebacktohisgraceitsnottolaterepentmotherfuckers DOT ow my fucking ears
>Ditch that damn thing already!
>He tosses it into a pile of crates full of body pillows and steps back into the warp
>Just as keikaku. More or less. Let them try and figure out which one has the blessing and which ones are just pillows.
>Oh hey, my Demon Engine is online!

>Be LT Augustus
>Everything is going to hell and a handbasket
>While trying to track down the death watch for assistance fucking daemons started popping up all around us
>Me and my brothers showed them our righteous wrath for daring to taint the reality that the Emperor resides in
>Though they start suddenly flickering, thats when a fuck load of nids come
>Shit.vox
>The main hive ship will probably be hear soon which means we will likely get stuck by the time we recover the sacred pillow
>I only have a few squads with me and a ship so we can't stop the hordes with brute force
>Then I recall that one craftworld filled with chaos tau and Genestealers
>Decide to call our Battle Barge, Dorn's Wrath, to make preparations for a boarding action and to get the cyclonic torpedo ready
>We are going to use that doomed craftworld as a make shift ram for when the hive ship arrives

> be random T'au reinforcement Shas'la
> be sen't to reinfroce
1. the Craftworld
2. The Planet
> This shit is fucking crazy
1. For some reason Daemons are fighting on our side
2. There are fucking Ork-Tyranid hybrids
> We still all need to keep in servitude to the Greater good
1. Even Daemons are allowed to join afterall and we have religious freedom so following Slanesh should be OK
2. But those fucking Water Cast betreyed that for their Slanesh. Fucking idiots.
> 1. Those guys who embraced slanesh seem stronger and faster and their gunns fire better might need to elaborate on that.
> 2. I fucking hate this we're being attacked from every side by everyone. Why did the Eldar get to ally themselves with the Imperium. We too just want to leave at this point.

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>>60648296

>Chasing the bloody magpie has been going on for a while
>I have called reinforcements to pursue the holy pillow of celestine
>So as an entire mechanized force of guard is chasing down a bloody magpie with the relic, some orks just show up
>Not just any orks
>its some fucking high xeno level heresy, looked almost like a warp daemon
>Fucking nids and orks

By the Emperor, I had to slap one of my men on the back of the head cause he froze in terror at the sight of it

>Magpie gets ripped to shreads, dropping the pillow in the process
>Orknids are running rampant around the area, and we're locked into combat with them trying to get my dammed celestine body pillow
>Also hear on long range communicator that slaanesh tau are in the area
>Fucking Comissar

When I find him, im going to shove a bayonet so far down his throat, he would have wished he was straight off killed by the inquisitor

>be local rearadmiral
>have at my disposal a discreet ammount of ships o' the line, even battleships
>be chillin' like nobody's business
>my orders were just to take care of this sector in bumfuck nowhere, nothing ever happens here
>wait
>what is that
>a call?
>It's been years since I've recieved a holo call on the emergency channel
>wonder what it is
>location: bumfuck nowhere
>huh, no big surprise
>requests help
>again, no big surprise
>cause: traitor insurrection, xeno invasion, xeno invasion, xeno invasion, daemonic invasion, xeno invasion, xeno invasion, xeno fleet in orbit, xeno fleet arriving
>ByTheGraceOfTheGoldenThrone.massivememorialstatue
>I know I will be terribly late for the party, knowing how warp jumps work
>but fuck it
>we'll get there and find out what on Terra is going on
>all the while filling the void with countless enormous dakka

>crawl out of burning wreckage of ship on the craftworld
>looks around and sees slaaneshi tau, Daemons, Orks fused with Tyranids, and Deathwatch Astartes all fighting
>Loads up Plasma pistol, revs chainsword
>NowThisLooksLikeAJobForMe.Purity

>Starts calling inquisitorial reinforcements as me and my men begin to engage, aiming for the Slaaneshi Tau thot while keeping watch for the traitor commissar

>Be Flayed One
>Munching on some crispy flesh in an artillery made ditch
>My friend found some more bodies for some new skin
>Feelsgood.skin
>My friend get an idea to make a body pillow with the corpses
>Sounds like a great idea
>Holy fuck these skin body pillows feel so great
>Relax with our new body pillows for a while
>Get rudely interrupted by Lord Dicktits
>Wants us to advance and stop being faggots with the corpses

What the fuck is his problem?

>Be Farseer, sexual frustration personified
>Some rando psyker just nabbed MY Mon'Keigh
>Gently "ask" a nearby Howling Banshee for her helmet and sword
>bitchimnotasking.witchblade
>put my new helmet on and let off a psychic battlecry
>gottagofast.rune
>First, I kill the psyker. Then, I collect my new bae.

>Be Apothecary Maleus
>Having secured Brother Martin's geneseed and new armaments we proced to the Eldar Craftworld
>To the poor IG it is a nightmare laden walk through darkened coridors not designed with a proper human aesthetic, the way lit only by burning promethium, warp flames, and burning tyranids
>To the Space Marines of the Deathwatch, it is Tuesday.
>tfw I will miss out on Taco Tuesday
>Just as we are running low on Promethium, we arrive at a critical juncture point
>I know it is critical because there is a Wraithbone Titan fighting Slanesh'Tau, Deamonets, and another Wraithbone construct surrounded by glittery pink warpfire
>SpaceMarinesAtack.voxcast
>We use the last of our Promethium and switch to bolt pistols, krak grenades, and plasma
>Brother Icarus pulls a hot shot lasgun from under his pauldron, along with half a dozen charge paks, and tosses it to the Gaurdsman when his own lasgun runs out of ammo
>magpies.ofcourse
>Then the Slanesh'tau kicks Icarus across the room, the beeping staff flying free from his back
>I check to see if I need to recover his geneseed.
>I do not.
>Pink fire obliterates my vision for a moment
>When I come to I am lighter by one arm
>Fortunately, it is not the Narthecium and Redcutor arm.
>Unfortunately, I must look for a new weapon.
>When my armor runs out of pain suppressors I am going to be in a bad mood.

>>60650171

> Slaneshi Thot'au notices a guy fireing from behind

> FuckingGue'la.greaterchaos

> oh fuck; oh, fuck, oh fuck!

> What is that goddamn Space Marine doing to my fucking Sould Stone thingy!

> oh no you fucking don't

> tell all my nearby guys to rush the Eldar Titan

> yes, evey you you meleee inept T'au's

> mfw. I run past the Titan,
> mfw. I run past the Marine and jump at the now daemon corrupted crystal

> I start chewin on it biting out chunks of it

> delicious delivios Eldar Souls, Slanesh will be happy

> fuck, fuck fuck

> everyone is shooting at me now
Eldar, Inquisitor and Marine

> body torn to shreds

> all beauty lost

> notsofuckingfast.slaneshbestwaifu

> my horns and spine stretch out of my torn to shreds corpse

> they twist around and are spiked into the crystal

> my being becomes energy

> I enter the crystal thing

> Slanesh launches blessings left and right as I devour Eldar souls

> killing that Daemon was harder, but I ate it too

> hear Slanesh laughing

> I feel a warmth enevelop me

> I've aquired anough energy, enough favours

> this ship and crystal are now an egg an Egg out of which I will hatch as a Daemon Prince

> as the hottest Daemon Prince of all!
(suck it Saint Bodypillow whatever!)

I would have said everything wen't as Keikkaku... but honestly I'm surprised shit wen't way fucking better.