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>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>And I'm doing hard time on an Eldar Ship
>Seriously, rock hard time
>IReallyMissMyWife.jpg
>Not hard to stay loyal though
>Except that my cell mate Bubba... I mean Olga keeps looking at me with hungry eyes.
>Extramarital relations would be heresy, also I'm not into fat chicks.
>Actually, how is she still fat? We were lost at sea for ages.
>WhereIsSheHidingTheDonuts.mysteries
>Eldar took my Evicerator, so I fashioned a new holy blade from an Ork tusk and thread I've been pulling off of Olga's uniform when she's asleep.
>Been using it to ward off her advances.
>So far I have kept her at bay.
>OneWomanChosenOne.gif
>Gotta figure something out before this ship gets wherever we're going.
>One of these disgusting xenos is guarding our cell.
>Think it's a woman, but honestly all Eldar look like women.
>Hmm I may have a plan.
>Ask the Eldar if it has ever heard of the Emperor...

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>>58940456
>Be me, Sister Olga
>And as usual, everything sucks
>Captured by rape elves and stuck in a cell with this little asshole.
>You'd think I'd be used to him by now, but he finds a new way to be intolerable everyday.
>He keeps waving some Ork tusk he smuggled in at me whenever I try to plan our escape.
>Everytime I fall asleep I wake up with smoke in my lungs because the little prick keeps starting fires somehow, and I think he's using parts of my outfit to do it.
>No idea how he does it. Whenever I ask he waves that tusk at me and tells me to quit "putting the moves" on him.
>MiniatureManiacsArentMyType.voxcast
>But, he might not be completely useless.
>Whenever this Eldar comes by to check on us he starts talking to her, and she actually seems to have started to listen.
>Maybe he has an escape plan and he's just not sharing it because he's worried about recording.
>He does apparently have a way with fucked up turbosluts.
>CanYouBelieveSheWoreAWhiteDress.weddingphotos
>Over time she's actually coming right up to the cage
>Wait, are they touching hands?
>is this actually going to...
>NOPE, he just stabbed her with that fucking tusk a bunch of times screaming about cleansing the xeno.
>OfFuckingCourse.gif
>Didn't even grab for a key card before she collapsed away from the cell.

>>58940456
>WhereIsSheHidingTheDonuts.mysteries
I like to think the pirate orks tell wildly exaggerated tales of bloated she-beast, that feasts on the flesh of fallen boyz .

>Be me, Skitari Guard at Mecha City 1
>Mostly stand around and make sure none of the mutated weirdos from the rest of this planet try to get in
>Or anyone else really, because fuck these people
>Got awesome gear from the Omnissiah, a bunch of gun servitors, and Im literally metal as fuck.
>TheFleshIsWeak.jpeg
>Mostly just deal with refugees
>Assholes from Angel's landing get on "boats" and trek hundreds of miles across the sea to escape that shithole.
>Boats are apparently some sort of ship that cant fly or even drive on land
>Probably the most pleb vehicle I ever heard of
>Usually just sink the ships as far off shore as we can.
>BrainletsBTFO.vox
>Would be mad but its honestly the most exciting part of my day.

>Be Leslie Lunasta, resident of Mecha City 1
>Married for love, which is why Im raising 3 kids im a single room
>Husband has an idea
>Thinks he can move up the ranks quicker if he has some bionics
>DressForTheJobYouWant.jpg
>Says hes the second fastest worker on his shift on his section of the line in the factorum so theyll have to give him some if hes hurt
>IBelieveInYouBabe.png
>His buddy helps him set up an "accident"
>He loses both of his arms
>JustAsPlanned.voxcast
>He did get his implants, when they converted him into a servitor
>Receive 2 days extra rations to compensate me for my loss
>Tfw I heard his buddy is single

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>>58940784
>"Gather round ya gits!"
>"I'm gunna tell ya a tale!"
>"In da wata's we sail der be a gnashy ol beast!"
>"Blubbery an' foul!"
>"She follows da ships"
>"An whena boy er grot falls off"
>"Inna scrap ora fall"
>"She gobbles 'em up!"
>"An' grows evva fatta!"

>"Oooooooooooooooh"
>"Down below da waves"
>"She waits wit all 'er mass"
>"She gobbles up da boyz,"
>"An' adds da fat to her ass!"

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>Be skitarii ranger alpha
>Be named Clank Eastcog
>Life out in the unnatural Terran Deserts has been getting too fucking weird for me
>There are cacti here.jpg
>Seriously, I had a duel at high noon with a genestealer bandit
>But I've heard all the admech are moving to their own island
>I've got to get there, back to non stupid civilization
>Three of the rangers under my command have been killed by tumbleweeds
>Also I have a mech-horse
>I don't want a mecha-horse
>It completes the image too much
>Why is the universe trying to make me a cowboy?
>Fuck it, if I get to Mecha City 1 I can take off my hat and throw away my spurs

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>be Canoness
>royally fucking pissed, but what else is new
>the Ecclesiarchy and the Abbess herself are... unhappy with the way things have gone on the planet
>we happened to misplace a Living Saint, and nobody is quite sure where the Bishop is either
>and you might say that the planet's development as a Shrine World and base for the Tomis Crusade is behind schedule
>not to mention that there are still members of at least five xenos species present
>despite having over a thousand Sisters and a rainbow's worth of Space Marine chapters around
>on top of that, the Ecclesiarchy and the Mechanicus have stopped just shy of engaging in open warfare
>and of course, all these things get mentioned with the implication that they're somehow my fault
>rather than acknowledging my place as the glue that keeps this shithole from falling apart completely
>apparently they feel that I require extra help
>which would be a welcome change if their idea of "extra help" wasn't putting more obstacles in my way
>an assembly has been called
>representatives from the Ecclesiarchy and Ordo Hereticus, and Missions from more than a half a dozen minor Sororitas Orders
>all coming here to decide "how best to proceed" with Stercus Ludicrum, an indication that none of them have a fucking clue what goes on around here
>set up in the Temple of the Auburn Vestal in preparation
>that's what they were calling the little monument they built on the hill where Saint Brigitte first appeared to Imperial forces
>the surrounding area is underwater now, but the temple was on high enough ground to become an island, a "further sign of divine provenance"
>as if the God-Emperor in his supreme glory gives two golden shits about what happens to a little marble shack on top of a rock
>guess stretching his power just enough to ensure some water didn't rise above sea level was as much of a miracle as this place deserves
>but the structure was a little quaint for my tastes
>so I had the Squats build a castle on top of it

>>58940981
Thank you, that just brightened my day

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>be me, Romeo
>hottest sergeant of the Salamanders
>the Mechanicus have almost completely moved out of the city
>which means the city is the most peaceful it's been in a long time
>which gives us a chance to fix the blasted place
>I've been negotiating with various high ranking members of the Astartes chapters still within the city
>turns out most of them have some "irreplacable" and "unique" wargear that needs fixing
>it'saboltgunwithapaintjob.unimpressed
>still, they need repairing, and coming to the Salamanders means they dont have to enter the damn Mechanicus/Ecclesiarchy conflict
>which means I get to ask for favours in exchange
>handsomeenoughtobeadiplomat.cheekbones
>these favours can be anything from getting the more zealous chapters to leave the squats alone
>seriously we need them you idiots
>to allowing me to direct them in cleaning up the city
>starting by establishing a safezone for civilians around the city centre
>wish I had some of Dorns sons for the fortifications
>then I'll have them slowly move outwards, retaking Angel's landing from top to bottom
>I know there are beastmen in the flooded district
>and of course there's that cultist somewhere
>and then there's the flooding itself
>it's a long road ahead
>but now that I've managed to get these Astartes off their collective asses
>maybe this city can get back on it's feet

>Be Captain Thorn
>After having to postpone hunt for relics due to needing to wait for some voxcast to happen with the planetary governess, decide it would be a good idea to get that Colonel back to the planet
>That was somewhat complicated due to the fact that the crazy commissar lady is shaking him up and down with unrealistic speed
>Had to physically restrain her to make sure the Colonel is still somewhat more responsive then a servitor
>The wench somehow managed to damage my terminator armor in the process, one of the few relics my chapter has left thanks to our Chapter Master
>Restrained myself from punting her back to the planet with my boot since it would be a waste of the Emperors currency and just shove them into the craft so that we can get off this moon
>Over course nearly half of the Guard ships escorting them were either damaged or destroyed due to untold naval conflicts happening above orbit
>Luckily the important one didn't die so they were acceptable if disheartening causalties
>Though now I need to see that Salamander squad over repair rights of my armor
>I hope he accepts tech marines as payment.

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>Be me Inquisitorial Crusader Dietrich Wegstein
>Finally I got on a track, found the Ork Camp
>Try to carfully move into it while staying untedected
>But of course, thats not sneaking, because that is for honourless bitches.
>DeathoverDishonor.png
>mfw a horde of fanatics led by some minor ecclesiarch show up and explode into the camp in a storm of violence, gunfire, flamers and mad screaming
>JustLikeInMyNecromundanRedeemerComics.png
>Decide to help them out and search for the boy
>Slaughtering Orks and runnig trough their camp while screaming ALEX gives me weird looks, but the zealots can fugg off and the priests with them, they are warriors of faith of course, but they lack style
>Because Crusaders are hands down the swaggest under the religious fanatics
>Zealots are dirty murderhobos
>And surely, Priests and Crusaders both fight and preach, but the difference is, one does is in top notch carapace armor and the other in a frilly dress
>tfw Inquistorial Equpiment
>FeelsGoodWorkingForTheCreepsinTrenchgoats.png
>Now lets see if I can find that boy
>AAAAALEX

>be me, sybarite Drazar
>probably have a concussion
>some stupid bird thing threw a fucking brick at me
>A fucking brick!
>bright side is that the fucker got chucked out the door by Greg the grotesque
>I didn't name it
>the saint is getting snappy, and I'd rather be drunk right now
>I'm gonna have to fight some mon'keigh with a splitting headache
>I'm gonna have to talk to some stupid dock workers to get a spot
>all this for some wine
>we literally traveled to commorragh for some fucking wine
>I thought maybe letting some boarders on would be nice
>liven things up eh?
>nope
>and here I sit, in pain
>slowly turn to look at saint
"I wish I would've dumped you with the Archon"

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>Be me, Drathor
>The Last Crasher, Problem Child, roadtripper
>So yeah, me and Julius managed to get out of the city
>Judging from the fact that Imperials seemed to actually be getting their shit together, great fething timing
>So see I was tired after our great escape
>So I tell Julius to hold down the fort, and let me know when he wants me to drive
>Time2Nap.jpeg
>Slip off to the tune of this death trap on wheels running down the highway
>Suddenly
>YaLikeJazz.mp3
>Music is blaring
>WhatTheFeth.gif
>Look over to see Julius just having the time of his life
>You know he can actually do some cool moves with that tentacle
>And that...snake....
>What the feth have I gotten into
>Look out towards the road
>404filenotfound.png
>Turn to Julius calmly
>RecordScratch.png
>Ask him calmly where the road is
>Ask him calmly how long we've been driving through what I can only describe as a desert
>Calmly as possible inform him that I don't even think I can tell where we are
>GPSMachineSpiritJustCursingAtMe.jpeg
>Glad to see my luck isn't just shitty in Angel's Landing

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>>58943325
>Be Colonel
>so sitting here on this moon has been boring as all fuck, holy shit I want to kill myself
>well might as well sit and wait for longer
>at least I have friends here
>oh shit
>they're here
>the rescue team has finally arrived yes
>a few marine chapters have arrived, my troops, nice good job boys
>oh
>oh no God Emperor no
>she's here
>fucking get her away
>fucking getting shaken madly for no god damn reason
>apparently getting teleported to the moon through no fault of my own is my fault
>fucking bitch
>anyway now I can do that interview thing and be more useful in imperial affairs and not sitting on a damn moon
>it's sad the Eldar isn't allowed on, tell her on the slide she can stow away and then run after that farseer when we land
>ez
>anyway it's time to get back to work

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>Be me, Dalmier
>Fucking rebuilding is coming along nice
>Idiot little brothers went off to go rage against the Necrons that supposedly stole more of our shit from us
>ImNotMad.gif
>ImJustDisappointed.gif
>Whatever
>Beach defenses are coming along nice
>Mortals took to it quite nicely
>They seemed to be having fun...
>Too much fun.....
>I'll deal with that later
>Atleast one thing those fucking idiots did has benefited my efforts
>They went out to go fight for the planet
>Cool
>EngageTitheMode.png
>Brought some mass conveyors back to Angel's Landing
>Apparently those Gearboys decided to be dickwads
>What wrenched their testicogs
>Doesn't matter, I can use the distraction
>Salamanders have been helping out
>Even managed to set up safe zones for civies
>Perfect.jpeg
>Fly down with out ships
>Stroll on out
>Guess who's getting drafted into The Chapter
>They're laughing but I'm completely serious
>Managed to load a couple thousand up into the mass conveyors
>Only had to discipline a handful
>Let's see them complain after getting their mouths washed out with soap
>ThereWillBeNoFuckingCursingInThisBase.gif
>Anyway, load them up
>Take off and fly back to Seventh Haven
>Notify the Governess of my thanks for her co-operation during our trying time
>I'll have to get her a ImperialPod XII or whatever the kids are raving about these days.

>hallo
>be me
>Siv Trygvesdottir
>the Squat

>we are doing much work with the city Angels's Landing
>with no more Mechannicus to be in the city there are many things to be doing
>we and the Salamanders Marrines are working very closely
>they are very nice to be kind to us, the Salamander Marrines
>the cityzens and the others Marrines they are not always so kind to the Squats, because the Emperor was very tall and we are not so

>the Canoness she was taking many of the Squats out away to be building a fortress for her out in the oceans
>for this we are very good at
>no person builds better forts than the Squats
>and we perhaps we are hoping to get some practice before we are starting on our own Stronghold here on Sterrcus
>we have already picked a very nice mountain, very pretty

>another thing, I must confess to that I much like the Salamander Marrines sergeant that I have been doing works with
>we fixed a Land Raider for the Red Templars Marrines together
>all of the lascannons I had to do the works on as they had been blown out
>had to be replacing all of the ignition coils one at a time, very painstaking
>he told me I had done a very good work and I felt very warm on the inside
>my assistant Klara she tells me that, Space Marrines, they do not like girls
>but I had heard of a big thing about a Space Marrine and a Battle Sister before we arrived so it is clear that is not the truth
>and the Squats all tell that I am a very pretty girl, I have many suitors in the Engineers Guild
>maybe perhaps a little too skinny, but I am only a little thumb under five feet, which you know is very tall for a girl
>so my chances are quite good I think

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>>58943325
>>58944060
>Be Commissar Flavia
>so after fucking getting on this "rescue" mission we've arrived on the god damned moon
>this bitch of a colonel and his fucking moustache
>this inept retard
>what a fucking moron getting stuck on the moon
>fucking autist thinking he can hide tanks from me just because he doesn't want me to "ruin" them
>fucking tard like fuck just stop being bitch
>fucking dumb cunt
>anyway now we can get back to the normal order of things, me insulting his moustahce
>and him doing nothing so he doesn't get shot
>ha fucking dicknugget

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>>58943651
>be me, Julius, Sororitas-Slayer
>got out of the city in one piece
>Drathor is taking a nap
>start fiddling with the buttons
>might as well know what they all do since I'm gonna be driving it a lot
>aggressivejazznoises.vox
>it plays music!
>neat!
>I think I like this music
>oh, hey, Drathors up!
>heturnedthemusicoff.bummer
>he wants to know where the road is
>they have those outside of cities?
>havent seen any since we left
>how long?
>I dunno, I'm bad with time
>getting kind of hungry as well
>ask Drathor where the snacks are
>he goes a bit pale
>we dont have any?
>no problem!
>I'm a great chef
>pull over by one of the weird spiky green things that dot the desert
>Walter says I have to use my warp powers every so often or they'll start leaking out again
>and we want to stay sneaky
>point at it
>ZAP.warp
>taadaa
>the food I can make is so convenient
>gather most of it up
>find a sandwich that wiggles when you touch it
>score
>toss Drathor a set of ribs with hooves while I chow down
>was tempted to save it, but Drathor's my bestie, so I'm gonna cut him in on the good stuff
>he just stares at it
>guess he's not hungry

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>Be The Tzaangor known as Plank
>I believe that my name back when I was an inferior human was “Darius”
>Or something like that
>It does not really matter
>The human I was was violent, short sighted, and dumb
>Now I am intelligent, forward facing, and...
>Well, still violent, but now directed and purposeful.
>You would be amazed on how quickly the evicted will vacate the premises when you threaten to beat them to death with a rock
>However, Brick Corp, currently under mine own management due to our founder Brick chasing after true love, has encountered a problem that cannot be solved by beating people with rocks
>Well, no rocks we possess at the moment at least
>The boys in R&D are currently working on that
>However, in the immediate sense, the humans are becoming aware of the glorious Tzaangors who are building condos and hotels
>Due to their inferior minds, they despise our bird-like visages
>And unfortunately, we do not yet possess the Rubrick of Brick to turn every human on the planet into a tzaangor
>Sad.jpg
>So, we are instead working on a workaround so we might maintain our construction contracts with the city
>Not only are we discreetly funding several Abhuman Rights campaigns with dark money AND dark magic,
>Thank you Citizens United
>We are also creating a more... public face to appeal to the public and the government
>And it all starts with Intern Cinderblock
>Still unfortunately a human, he has proven his skills well enough to be granted a tzaangor name
>And according to some humans, he is quite photogenic and charismatic
>I don’t really see it
“Crawk! Intern Cinderblock! You help Brick Corp increase market share! No hit hummies! Much talkie! Get suit! Marketing blast! Get word out!”
>See? Much more charismatic.

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>>58944918
>Be Clank Eastcog
>I'm riding through the desert
>On my cyber-horse
>Wearing a cowboy hat
>Fuck my life, by the way
>Anyways, I'm making my way towards angel's Landing so I can get a boat and take it to Mech City 1 so I can get away from this nonsense when I see two guys get out of a beat-up, dusty car
>Fuck me, I want that thing
>Any machine to be in other than on this fucking horse
>Anything to ruin the cowboy image, seriously
>How do those golden light bitches handle it all the fucking time?
>Anyways, I'm about to walk up to them and ask them for a ride, when one of them turns a cactus into a pile of writhing but strangely appetizing meat
>...
>Well
>There's two possibilities about that
>Either that's a heretical witch
>Or I've been out here so long I'm hallucinating
>Fuck it, taking the risk
>I'm assuming the latter and just walking up to them
>I clear my mechanical throat and light up a lho-stick
"Hey, you guys, willing to give a guy a lift out of this fucking desert?"

>>58944918
>>58945202
>Be me, Drathor
>These ribs are flailing
>Making small screams
>Wtf.gif
>I am beginning to regret my choice of companion
>There's got to be a Space Denny's out here where I can get some actual food
>See a tumbleweed go by for some reason
>HowDoIKnowWhatATumbleweedIs.png
>Hear some clanking
>This fething tech priest shows up
>Smoking a Iho-stick
>Wearing a stupid hat
>A familiar stupid hat
>Nope.avi
>NOPENOPENOPE.avi
>Throw my flailing "food" at his face
>ItHasNoMouthHowIsItScreaming.gif
>Take the wheel, and kick up the engine
>Hope this cowpoke doesn't mind the dust in his gears
>I ain't dealing with anymore western fethers

>>58942227
>>58943325
>>58944177
>>58944610
>be me, Romeo
>hottest Sergeant of the Salamander
>why did I ever think the sons of Dorn being here would be a good thing?
>that's a bit of an exaggeration, Captain Thorn was quite helpful
>paid for the repair of his terminator armor in tech marines
>IsThatAllowed?.codex
>whatever, I'll take it, could use all the help I can get
>no, the problem was the fists with the sandcastle base
>they flew in recently
>figured they were just here for a few repairs
>might be able to get a few fortifications out of the deal
>next time I look up they're kidnapping civilians!
>they scarper off before I can get close to them
>BloodyMagpies.rage
>can't give chase without leaving the city
>turn to the squat thats been following me around
>guildmasters daughter I believe
>she's become something of an assistant to me as of late
>politely request that she set up a call to Captain Thorn
>maybe he can sort out his subordinate
>I better get another promotion after all this
>TooHandsomeToBeStuckAtSergeant.purityseal

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>be Palatine Sara
>some rescue mission this turned out to be
>pinned in a starship hallway with the Inquisitor, the Farseer, the Librarian and half the Marines we showed up with
>things aren't looking up for our chances
>the damn Eldar were waiting for us
>no contact with the Solar Hawks and not even sure we could make it back to the Thunderhawk if we decided to split
>and worse, the ship isn't just in the Webway anymore, it's in Commorragh, the city of the Dark Eldar
>or so I'm told
>really more of a "plains and prairies" kind of lady, this is all new to me
>get flashed a signal
>means I'm up to the plate, which means Wyches
>keep behind a Purple Stars partner to block shots as we round the corner, drawing my pistols
>there's more than a dozen xenos coming
>ten of those harlots with swords and swimsuits for armor
>start taking my shots
>hit skulls with each one
>aim my last two for the eyes of a Kabalite rushing at us, but the crafty bastard gets his big meat cleaver up in time to shield his face from the first one
>hit him in the knuckle with the second
>think I spooked them a bit when I first arrived, but they've started to figure me out
>the Emperor guides all my bullets but he doesn't make them do any more than they would when they get there
>and the Eldar are getting wise to that after the first couple dozen warriors I dropped with shots through their visors and mouthpieces
>drop the pistols in their holsters and lift my large-bore shotgun from its sling
>E1M1.mp3
>fire right when he lifts his sword to swing
>the shot rips his arm off at the shoulder and paints the wall behind him
>duck back around the corridor as splintergun fire comes my way
>more xenos coming
>got faith in spades, sure, I'm a Sister after all
>but I'm not positive we're gonna be the ones to rescue the Living Saint
>at least not this way

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>>58946318
>Be Elmas Frud, Inquisitor of the Ordo Xenos
>I have managed to get my dawk eldar induced lisp partially under control
>Partially being the unfortunate qualifier
>We weally should've expected higher resistance than we did.
>Emperor, I'M the person who's supposed to suggest that!
>Damn dawk eldaw, messing with my mind!
>And screw that awchon most of all!
>He taunts me, but doesn't show his face!
>I'll show that wascally dawk eldaw
>We'll wescue that wiving saint and get back to Angel's Landing!
>A... abhuman beastman of some kind joined our pawty at some point
>We've wefwained fwom executing him for the moment, as the Farseer says we shouldn't
>And as one of those "radical" inquisitors who thinks we SHOULDN'T shoot edlaw on sight, I'm inclined to take her advice
>Since she can see the future
>Unfortunately, the bird-goat thing has not been much help
>And it keeps trying to sell me stock in its company
>It says its been to the "bird lady's cage" before being chased out
>But I don't trust it
>You can't trust a man with a beak for a face, that's what my mother always said
>She was weird

>Be Sister Rebar, proud servant of God-Emperor Brick!
>Once I was a lowly urchin, and now I am a proud member of the Bird Adepta Sororitas!
>And also the only member of the Bird Adepta Soroitas!
>I...
>I’m not really a Sister of Battle.itsalllies
>I just used to think they were really cool back when I was a human
>And when Lord Brick brought us to the Great Mage, I thought it was the perfect time to reinvent myself
>My name’s not even Rebar
>Well, it is NOW
>But it used to be Rebecca
>I just changed it to Rebar because everyone else was naming themselves after construction materials
>I mean, I’m not complaining that I’m a bird now
>It’s really liberating actually
>Just...
>The immediate instinct to just hit people in the head with rocks
>It makes life so much simpler
>And that is why I have dedicated my life to Brick!
>All heretics that reject Brick will burn!
>That’s proper sister of battle behavior, right?
>I mean, I can’t really do that because I don’t have a flamer
>Or even matches
>But a girl can dream, right?
>I really just want Brick to notice me and give me an official position in Brick Corp
>Preferably close to him
>Well, at least I’ve kind of lucked into a temporary managerial position
>I’ve lead Bird Team 6 ever since Lord Brick valiantly charged ahead to save Saint Brigitte
>I wish I had gloriously glowing wings and saint magic
>Enough of that Rebecca!
>I mean, Sister Rebar
>You need to help Lord Brick!
>And that is why I am leading my glorious fellow birds to storm this spiky ship’s bridge!

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>>58940370
>Be Fessus
>Woken up by the sun shining down on my face from the window
>Wake up in my sleeping bag in somebody’s apartment
>Oh wait. It’s MY apartment
>damn i love being able to say that
>Take a look outside the window of my apartment
>Oh wait that’s right.
>my BEACHFRONT apartment!
>Go to my bathroom to go cleaned up in the shower using Running Water and, wait for it, SOAP.
>That’s right, soap
>And not just that stuff they make out of corpse fat to root out Nurgites. I mean for real, honest to Emperor, smells like daffodils (or so i’ve been told) actual soap!
>Let me just say, if you had asked me a few years ago what i had thought my retirement would like, i Definetly wouldn't have said this.
>Hell, i would laughed at the word retirement
>Even before I got roped into the PDF, I was never that well off
>The only thing i had inherited from my parents was a family history of working their knuckles to the bone from their teens till their either died in a back alley somewhere, with their kidneys mysteriously missing, or offed themselves
>The only thing that changed when i enlisted was that I cut out the mind-numbing middle part and gained a chance of dying in a more spectacular fashion,
>That may not sound like all that, but believe you me, outlandish deaths of relatives were a currency at family re-unions
>The folks would have been like ‘Oh what’s that? Your Rufus died by crashing into a promethium truck during a highspeed chase with the Arbites after his third count of public masturbation? Well our Fessus over here got vaporized fighting crazy killer robot skeletons for the glory of the Emprah. So suck it Margret!’
>...Emprah-damn my family was almost as bad as thise Goth Sisters
>But you know what? That doesnt matter because they’re all dead and look at me now!
>Rich, handsome, and retired young!
>Well okay, so i’m not exactly rich
>or technically retired
(1/2)

>>58949167
(2/2)
>but Between what we made working for Admech and from certain pieces of tech that happened to be “lost” during acquisition and suddenly found themselves in Seth’s hands, we’ve got some dough stowed away
>enough that we can live off of for quite some time, especially since the Birdbrains that run this place take the rent in bricks
>Don’tlookagiftbirdinthemouth.proverb
>and since our new Employer of the month, Missy, hasn’t tried to find us since we “died”, and we didn’t want to bother her with such trivial information at such a trying time, we haven’t had any work.
>but hey, at least i’m still handsome, right!
>...something must be wrong with the damn mirror today.
>get dressed and go to the Kitchen for my morning recaff.
“Marcus, please man come on, gimme the remote, you’ve been hoggin it all day.”
“I told you Lloyd, No.”
“But i gotta watch the game this afternoon. It’s gonna be the first game of the newly recreated Base foot basket hockey ball league and i just can’t miss it.”
“But it’s a little league game between the local scholas.”
“I know! Crazy right? BFBHB has never been this big before!”
“Well then maybe you should have gotten here first. You snooze you lose mate.”
“You’ve been here since 2:00 AM watching your stupid soap opera.”
“The early worm gets the bird Lloyd.”
>Marcus is still in his sleeping bag, situated on the only good chair we could find while Lloyd stands over him.
>The rest of our living room furniture is made of rebar duct taped together
>eat/drink my recaff while Trying to ignore their incessant bickering
>I really envy Phil right now.
>he’s gone out for brunch with Maria
>lucky bastard
>I dont see Decarus here so he’s probably still sleeping
“Well if you get the remote then i’m at least taking the good chair. You’ve already got enough natural cushion in that flabby butt of yours ya lazy bastard!”
“Hey hey Hey! What do you think you’re doing!?”

>Be Original Commissar
>Awaiting patiently for the Colonel to arrive at the port while other me is doing the ever fun task of planning security for an opening to some new talkshow that somebody will try to fuck up
>Neither of us could tell which one was worse so we just tossed a coin, we then decide to use a dice since the coin kept landing on its side
>Only thing to keep me company is the sound of battle that is always happening within the confines of Angles Landing, or anywhere in this planet
>Though the Emperor has rewarded my patience with the arrival a Thunderhawk containing the Col..
>Upon looking inside the craft I notice several disturbing details, mainly the Colonel has a thousand yard stare that screams he has seen shit, followed by an Imperial Fist Captain walking out in horrifically damaged Terminator armor."
>"By the Emperor Colonel, what happened on that moon to cause you to be in this state."
>He just looks at me for a moment and just shrugs his head over to the Commissar women accompany him who has that "I want to murder somebody in unspeakable ways" face that can rival the Canoness.
>Decide details are not important and inform them of the transports ready to take them to the mansion along with where his troops can stay
>Can only imagine the horrors he must have dealt with on that moon, especially when some Eldarfag pops out of nowhere and scampers off into the city
>Some inqusitor can deal with the xeno later, I have more important things to do such as finally dealing with the multiple zones that are infected by weird bird abhumans who are probably Tzeentchian fags
>Would have been more worried if it weren't for the fact that all they seem to do is chuck and worship bricks, area is even called Bricktown by the Guardsmen due to it
>Fucking Heretics

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>>58945514
>be me, Julius, the Sororitas-Slayer
>be enjoying delicious meal with my bestie Drathor
>suddenly he throws it out the window
>aw
>wait, no, he was throwing it at someone!
>guy has a hat kinda like Walter
>quiet walter
>but he also has the same robe as that guy I saw stab an old lady for no reason
>also a very upset set of ribs around his face
>ProbablyNotGreatCompany.run
>Drathor has the same idea, guns the engine
>I turn the music back on
>YellowLine.mp3
>lean out the window
>point a finger at his vehicle
>wait
>animal?
>ZAP.warp
>can't see what it turned into cause of the dust kicked up by the car
>whatever, we're outta here
>finish my wiggle sandwich
>oh hey
>I have an extra tounge now
>now all this food I made will be twice as tasty
>neat!
>offer drathor some wings
>but not like bird wings
>they're kind of thin and chewy
>still good though
>he doesn't take any
>must be focused on driving

>Be Warboss 'Ead-Krumpa
>Iz been a while since we looted da blue gits' Krooza an' parked it next to my Krooza
>Ovva Orks also landed dem Rokks next to me Twin Kroozas
>Also seems dere be more water den usual, dis Ork-town be roit next to da water
>Somehow end up as da main boss of dis joint
>Big Mek Krom's makin' sure da water stays outta da Ork-town
>Makin' a dam outta spare Roks wiff da ovva Meks
>An' so we call dis Ork-town New Orkster-Dam
>Still got Weird-Dok Gutpoker ta take care of dat humie grot, Axe or summink
>Gutpoker really likes Axe now
>Even his belly squig Belly lets Axe pet it now
>Still waitin' for dat ded killy humie-nid to show up
>Or any Ty-roo-nids, even
>But da Chief Boss life be busy
>Gotta keep all dese Bosses from krumpin' up New Orkster-Dam
>An' keep any humie warband from krumpin' it up here too
>So's I send dem Bosses up wiff da Freeboota captains ta raid humie towns ta keep them from pickin' foits with ovva Orks
>But dere's only so much humie towns near here, it ain't gonna last
>Still not seen Fiddy fer a while
>Really miss his Teef-conomics now
>An' dere be boids from 'Brikk-korp' tryin' ta set up shop in New Orkster-Dam
>Fuggit, why not

>>58949772
>Be me, Drathor
>ForTheLastTimeJuliusIPreferMyFoodNotWarpedToFethingHell.png
>I need some real grub.
>Looks like a small town is coming up
>Why is it out in the desert...
>Don't worry about it, just keep driving
>Immediatly place looks weird
>Some shacks, some cabins, I think there are a few outhouses
>FethingSpaceBoonies.jpeg
>See a few stores coming up
>I think
>BigKhan-HunaBurger.gif
>Nah that'll race right through me
>McDorns.gif
>Can't even see an obvious entrance
>BishopBarbeques.gif
>.....Is this place mocking me?
>Oh shit wait
>Slam on the breaks
>Old looking building that says "Gas"
>It also says Southern Style Tyranid jerky
>FethYes.png
>Turn off the car and hop out
>Tell Julius to fill it up, I'll be right back
>Hope he can do that without turning our engine into a grox or something

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>>58944921
>Be me "Intern Cinderblock"
>Except my name's not fucking Cinderblock
>It's Jeremey
>So this is the story
>All about how
>My life got fucked
>Turned upside down
>And I'd like to take a minute
>Just sitting right here
>I'll tell you how I started working for these fucking birds
>In West Angel's Landing
>Born and raised(Well, it used to just be "The Capital, but the Bishop renamed it)
>In the Slums is where I spent most of my days
>Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool
>And all shootin' some bolters outside of the bars
>When a fucking bird threw a brick at my head
>Started rounding up a bunch guys
>And I got roped in
>And he said
>"You! Join me! Brick Corp!"

>And then that insane fucking abhuman took us to this fucking traitor witch guy with two heads
>And he turned all my friends into shrieking bird idiots!
>Even fucking Pauli
>Though he went fucking insane and goes by "Plank" now
>They even got Rebeca...
>I managed to escape that whole fucking mess because I had to piss
>But If I had gone on my way their I would be calling myself Pipe and hitting squatters with fistfuls of gravel
>And now I work for all of them, the fucking bird mutants
>Because what the fuck else am I supposed to do?
>The Flamer Bitches would kill me for association
>And amazingly the fucking birds DO actually pay me
>Seriously, I get payed more than anyone working in a factorum that isn't a manager
>So...
>Yeah, fuck, I'm working for these insane birds
>Who now want me to act as their public face to talk to actual people
>Because, you know, they're shrieking bird mutants
>Fuck my life
>They got me a fancy suit, some gold rings, and gave me a good shave and a haircut
>Fuck me if I know where the hell they got a perfectly tailored suit
>Sometimes I wish I had been caught in the whole mutation thing
>My old friends seem to be enjoying themselves if any fragment of them still exists behind those stupid bird eyes

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>Randle Cuthbert, taxi driver, at your service
>business is good
>little folk in town are always polite and pay well
>at least, on the way to the pub
>they occasionally offer their mechanical skill as payment, brilliant fellows
>but all sort of people need to be taken between the islands
>the greenskinds tend to get a little frisky these days
>So I try to keep close to spires
>Right now I'm cruzing what looks to be rather large parking lot of ash wastes
>odd looking xenos plants, probably greenskin eggs
>delivering some possibly unlawful package to mech town for my pal Rick
>ash driving sure is boring
>check vox for show governess has been yappin all about
>Only droll military chatter, sigmer omego three for the emper and all that
>see a figure
>in an exotic hat?
>pls be cute golden light dame with a harmonica or something
>pull up
Randy Cuthbert, taxi driver, at your....
>FETH, it's one of them cogboys
>time for another dramatic peel out...
>and he's got some big nasty gun
...eh, need a ride sir?

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>>58951182
>Be Clank Eastcog
>A taxi just drove up
>I had to just run away from a mutant fucking horse after pulling a mutant sandwich off my face
>Yes
>I desire to sit in this machine
>I desire to go anywhere but back into that desert
"Indeed good sir. I would prefer you take me to Mecha City 1, but really anywhere would be better than out in the deserts."
>I get in the back of his car
>Very well armored
>I respect that
>I offer him a lho-stick

>>58949661
>Be Colonel
>dropping down on planet would be great if it weren't for the bitch
>she fucking comes on the rescue just to fuck insult me and then ruins the armour of a poor marine
>like holy shit woman, why are you so nuts?
>one of the cool Commissars asks whats wrong so I happily gestured to the thorn in my arse
>and on the slide whispered to make sure she's not allowed in the interview thing, or if it's possible reassigned fully, but I doubt that would happen
>anyway it's time to prep and let my troops rest because what we were supposed to be defending is now gone
>also am asked what went down
>simply say fucking Eldar
>and leave it at that
>also see that one Eldar who I befriended run off, sneakily wave at her and watch her run off
>I hope I see her again some day, she was nice
>time to get ready for an interview with the governess now though

>>58951242
>Randle Cuthbert, Taxi Driver, at your service
>Emperor damned cogboy doesn't start howling heresy, just hops in, the bastard
>optics are a bit sun parched methinks
>hands me a fag, lights it with a digital do-dad
>notbad.puff
"Cinch your bolts my friend, I believe the roads out here are a little worse for development.
And, ey, if we happen to come upon any greenskin bandits, roll down that there window, and give em a good zapping extreme"
>vroooooom
>only have a vague idea of the route, so I follow some tire tracks
>Cogboy stays quiet, Iho jammed into his vox grill, I guess he needs to... recharge?
>slide my favorite vox-slate into the hailer "ecstasy of golden light"
>we ride into the sunset

>Be Captain Thorn
>As expected Salamander Sargent was a bro and fixed up the sacred terminator armor in exchange for the Imperial Fists tech marines support
>Though he did go a bit overboard with the whole decoration thing, especially with the scales
>At the same time it does look bitching so I can't really complain
>To bad it can't really mask the shame I am currently going through with fortifying the part of the city me and untold number of Astartes obliterated in some drunken riot over the artifact bet
>I can always feel Dorn's disappointment in me whenever I recall those events
>Only penitence for it is making sure the area becomes one of the most well fortified places in the city, barring Governesses mansion since we completed fortifications for that long ago
>That and also that one small outpost a Veteran Sargent is over seeing, apparently he managed to get some more helpful hands
>Wonder how he is doing

File: erminemantle.jpg (2.85 MB, 3300x2550)

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+++Rembrance records of shrine world Tomis+++

137.M42

Depicts noteworthy sororitas of the Order of the Ermine mantle, present at the first battle of Stercus Ludicrum, in the Cold Shoulder system. The arch cathedral would be renamed, the "temple of the avenging angels of the Ermine Mantles landing" in their honor, and are credited with being the first to avert the destruction of the planet, although the details are currently unknown.

From left to right, Canoness Konstanzia, Saint Brigitte, Sister-retributor Olga, Sister-adept Lydia*, Sister-Charlotte, And Sister-Famillus Karmistha**.

Archivists notes:
While multiple documents reference the existence of a sister within the Order known as *****, there are no official documentations or evidence that such an individual exists. By decree of the **** ******, these inconsistencies of data are to be assumed to be heretical manipulation, and disregarded. The Emperor protects.
=][=

*Sister-adept Lydia is noted for holding the most combat citations in the order, bearing 148 purity seals
**Sister-Famillus Karmistha did not participate in an active combat role. It should be remembered not to, under any circumstance, allow Sister-Famillus Karmistha to view an artistic depiction of vid-pict of herself.

+++

Thought for the Day: suffer not the real estate market to bubble

File: redrum_main.gif (80 KB, 432x382)

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>>58952843
>Be Sister Yada of the Order of the Ermine Mantle
>Well, not really a Sister of Battle
>I'm a Sister of Battle in the same way Missy is
>Meaning that I am technically trained for battle
>But I never actual do it
>I mostly just serve as the Order's clerk
>You'd think we'd have someone actually from the Administatum to do the job
>But the Canoness never trusted those people even before they accidentally dropped an ocean on Stercus, with some sand to top it off
>Anyways, sorting through the various documents
>We get a lot of complaints for improper behavior
>Also going through the personal allowances we receive
>Miiiiight be embezzling a little bit
>I mean, Olga's missing right now
>She doesn't need that allowance to feed her donut addiction
>Might as well go to me getting something nice for myself
>Thank the Emperor that I'm the only person that actually does these documents
>I'm thinking of what to get with my allowance, maybe a nice dinner or something, when I notice some odd discrepancies in the documents
>I mean, besides the ones I make as I try to deprive Olga of the ability to buy donuts
>There's a name that's...
>Missing
>5 characters long given the fonts
>Standard battle sister
>But she's not in every document
>Only some of them
>I think I can remember her...
>Sister Sarah right?
>Always a bit... forgettable that girl
>This is weird
>Her record is all messed up
>Maybe I can...
>Wait, what was that?
>What's on my neck?
>Oh, it's blood
>Damn, it's getting all over my robes and documents
>Oh.
>Wait.
>I get it now.
>...
>...
>...
>Be Sister Yada of the Order of the Ermine Mantle
>Be dead

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>>58950698
>be me, Julius, Sororitas-Slayer
>be fuelling up the car while Drathor pays
>man, fuel is expensive
>I could probably make it a bit more efficient
>it might not even need fuel at all
>point at it
"HO DER BOY, WERD YA GIT DAT DER FANCY ERM?"
>jump about a foot in the air
>slowly turn to face the source of that noise
>see the most misshapen visage I've evr had to look upon
>or at least the most misshapen with the normal amount of parts
>pic related
>he's about 3 inches from my face and has this crooked grin
>breath smells awful
>he waves a disproportionatly lanky arm at me
"YER DEF BOY? 'M ASKIN' WER YA GOT DAT DER FANCY POINT'R"
>DoesHeComeWithVolumeControl.vox
>notice that my cloak fell away while I was pointing with my bird hand, leaving it totally visible
>oops
>he doesn't seem violent though, just interested in my bird arm
>probably shouldn't go around telling people that I can just grow extra bits
>"I, uh... was born with it?"
"O YA?, WELL YA CAME TA THA RIGHT PLACE DER, DIN'CHA? ALLA GOOD FOLKS ROUND HER HAVA FEW ADDS N' ENDS"
>he leans in even closer and hholds up his hand as if to whisper
"YA'KNOW, ON ACCOUNT O ALLA THA ENBREEDIN', BUT, A LI'L GOOF LIKE YA COULD FIT RIGHT EN"
>"th-that's all right, I'm just waiting for my friend right no-"
"O DON WORRY BOY, WE'LL BE DON'N A JIFFY, NAH C'MON, I'VE GOTTA SISTER-DAWT'R FER YA TA MEET"
>it IS tempting
>it's rare for me to meet people who don't want to purge me before I get a chance to hit 'em with the good vibes
>and he did say it would be quick
>at least, I think he did
>hard to tell what he's saying
>feth it, I've got a bit of time
>"sounds like fun, as long as I dont keep my friend waiting"
"DAT DER'S WHAT I LIKE TA HER, LI'L BUD, NAMES FENSTA' BY THA BY"
>"Julius, nice to meet you"

>>58953130
what actual warp fuckery is this?

>be Shas'vre
>preparing for the enclave delegate
"Why is some stiff shit your biggest concern?"
>because he is my higher up and we must make sure we are ready for him
>also need to check up on the plans for the citadel
"So you can say hi to the chick?"
>no purely business
"You should smash"
>fuck off
>anyway might go see what's going on in our construction site

>Be Cap'n Jakk Spear-Row
>Most Ork be finkin' I be a Weird-boy Freeboota Cap'n
>Iz aktually just weird, wiff a smol w
>Be ferryin' dis Warboss Shin-Slappa
>An' I tink he's roit krazy
>Ain't no bizniz dat much kolor be on a propa Ork's face
>An' dey choppas make dis roit weird noise
HONK
>Wutdezog
>Da Warboss just done picked his red nose
>Afta' dis job, never gonna give rides to dis Killa Klown Koalition gang, eva'
>As dey be honkin' about in me ship's hold, see sumfink on da sea
>Hit it anyways
>Shin-Slappa ask me wut de zog
>"Ya eva' hear da story about a blue git town unda da sea?"
>"Best believe it, ya on top of wun!"
>Get reddy ta raid, it be what we here for!

>>58955332
>The orks go SS13 on the tau

File: Real Talk (Show).png (916 KB, 767x578)

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>A catchy Intro, played by Organs and Gregorian Choir
>Good Evening, Ladys and Gentlemen, I am your Host, the Planetary Governess!
>Applause
>While my beloved Husband is still missing (Sad Music Plays), we once again call for your attention
>Haveyouseenthisboy.png
>I thank you for your attention
>But even with his most famous hero missing, Angels Landing is still as lively as before.
>The Planetarywide Beach Project has produced first results and they are a bunch of beaches that will be opened in the next days!
>The Economy skyrocketed due to this and the common worker will see his average income statistacally seen risen up by 65%!
>Also, there is a new player in the sharehold market!
>I have invited experts from various organsations of the imperium to give their thoughts on the current sitution.
>And with that, without further talk, let us begin.

>>58956281
>be Colonel
>so this whole talk show has just begun and I'm kinda worried, because what if I say something dumb?
>well if I do I'll get a 1000 yard stare from the bitch, some laughs and idk a face palm from the Commissar(s)
>I hope I don't fuck up but that all depends on what I'm asked
>all I know is that there are a fair amount of other "guest stars" here
>one of the sisters, oh it's that one who was with the commissar(s) when I first arrived
>she doesn't like me
>I think three marines, one of those guys saved me from the moon, nice to see he's still fine
>with some fancy armour to boot
>an Echlessiarchial rep, nice hat
>and.......
>oh
>oh shit
>I'm the only one for the Guard
>well thats great
>makes it even worse if I fuck up
>oh I wonder if the ad mech is sending anyone?
>we'll have to wait and see
>on the topic of waiting, it's time to wait for my turn in the hotseat

>>58949190
>Be Decarus
>Geez, it looks like I must’ve overslept A little
>although, it’s not really over sleeping is i guess, since i dont have anything to do
>I guess that’s part of this whole “retirement” business.
>Even though Marcus explained it all i still dont really get it
>Apparently it’s when you used to work but stop working and do nothing all day besides watch TV and play Bingo while your body atrophies
>Like a being bum but from the comfort of your own home.
>it’s only a temporary retirement until Admech forgets about us.
>Still though, it’s really boring
>Maybe i’ll go see Brigitte.
>It’s been a bit since last time
>And i didnt really get the chance to ask her out since it was about business and all.
>Get myself cleaned up and dressed,
>Walk into the kitchen to get myself some breakfast bars
>It’s easier than cooking
>Marcus and Lloyd are fighting over the holovid remote in the living room,
>Fessus is just watching and while scooping recaf into his mouth
>Ask him Where Phil is, apparently he went out to Brunch with Maria
>maybe I could go ask Brigitte if she wants to go out for lunch
>Ask Fessus about it and if he knows any good places
>Marcus and Lloyd stop fighting
>The room gets quiet
“... Ah, um you know, Decarus maybe you shouldn’t ask her today, i mean what with this weather and all.”
>”But it’s a beautiful day today.”
“Yeah but you lnow what they say about the weather in Angel’s landing, here one day gone the next. Besides, today probably isn't a very good for her, she’s probably busy with that...uh...you know the uhh-“
“The new talk show that the Governess was holding!”
“Yes! Exactly, thank you Lloyd. The Governess is going to hold a talk show for important people, and who’s more important than a living Saint? That’s probably where she is.”
>ooookaay...
>I swear, everybody’s been acting really wierd for a while now
>always getting so nervous whenever i bring up Brigitte
>I wonder why

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>>58955003
>Be Tau Water Caste
>I've been shot at
>Experimented on
>Hypnotized
>Blown up
>Crushed by a giant arm
>Run over by several cars
>Set on fire
>Been savagely beat by the law enforcer
>Been a prison bitch
>And have narrowly escaped my own execution because my own executioner was assassinated by a cyborg
>And now I'm hungry and dehydrated
>And I probably have a concussion
>Which would explain both the ringing in my ears
>And why I'm hearing Aun'Dik's voice in my mind, commanding me to "fuck all the bitches"
>Fuck you dude
>I'm only taking orders from you if I'm forced
>And even if I was, I'm in no state to fuck anything
>I trip on a rock and further scuff my knees
>Getting up does not seem that appealing
>Is this where it ends then?
>Brought down not by me stumbling into danger
>But just by exhaustion and dehydration
>Well then
>I'm not getting up
>And I doubt anybody is going to give me food or water
>So yeah, this is the end
>Goodbye cruel world...
>Well, not yet
>Oh dear, dying will take a while
>I wonder if there's anything I can do to pass the time
>Maybe talk to that Enclaves fellow who just jet packed in?
>Wait...
"I'm saved! Help me noble warrior, I wish to defect to the Enclaves! My name is Por'La Fa'La Ni'Anuk!"

>>58953397
>Be Me, Drathor
>My stomach is making the rumbles
>That only tyranids can satisfy
>Went inside this weird gas station looking for some Bug jerky
>Its like I discovered the where dust comes from
>Wander about from shelf to shelf
>Finally find a jar filled with the good stuff
>YesYesYes.gif
>Scoop up enough to fill me up
>Grab another little bit
>Julius is fething weird but at least he seems nice enough
>Head up to pay for this haul
>Huh
>This must be one of those house of horrors
>Did these guys scoop up some mutants to put on display?
>Oh wait one moved
>Oh wow this thing is the owner
>Drop my jerky down and ask him how much I owe
>.....
>Ask if he accepts credits
>.....
>Ask if he even understands what I'm saying
>.....
>He just kinda gives me a look
>The exact same kind of look that I saw some of Gut's friends
>....yeah
>IShouldGo.mp3
>Slap down a wad of Bishop Bucks and take off
>Get outside
>Where's Julius...
>WHERE ARE THE CAR TIRES!!!
>Who is playing the fething banjo?

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>Be Sister Maria.
>Having brunch with Phil.
>It's been an intense month or so for us both, all told.
>On my side, purging Mechanicus turncoats and the remaining genestealers from Angels Landing.
>We managed to secure aid from the local Astartes on that front.
>When they're not nursing hangovers from drowning their sorrows over lost material wealth, they certainly live up to their reputation as the Emperor's Angels of Death.
>Apart from the occasional straggler the city is clear of their taint, although I can't speak for the rest of the planet.
>On a related note, we held a funeral for Cecilia.
>A simple cremation; there is little point in drawing such things out when the deceased is with the Emperor in the void.
>Doubly so when they left behind an unfortunately mutated corpse.
>We'd never hear the end of it from the Ermines if we let that slide.
(1/2)

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>>58961079

>On his side, he tells me in roundabout terms of his work fighting gangs and at one point aiding the Ermines in something clandestine.
>He's reluctant to give up any details, not least because he and the other stormtroopers are currently laying low in the hope certain enemies they made will believe them to be dead.
>Suffice to say though, I have a suspicion that a few supposedly executed 'hereteks' I've seen walking around the city may owe their continued existence to them.
>Good thing too; by all accounts the survivors still had much to offer in service to our Lord.
>Such deaths would not have served His goals within the sideshow of life.
>Phil says that he and the others are living in one of the newly renovated beachfront apartments, run by a collective of citizens known as Brick Corp.
>Truly, it's heartening to see people striving to make this illusory existence less painful for their fellow man.
>Perhaps I'll suggest to the Palatine that we pay Brick Corp a visit to express our gratitude for their efforts in rebuilding the city.
>Things have been rough, and on this world one would have to be a fool to expect anything else in the future.
>But right now I have good company, good weather and a slice of cake.
>Pict related.

>>58950966
>Be Jeremy, former ganger
>Now I work for the insane bird people of Brick Corp
>And they call me Cinderblock
>Because apparently I’ve earned the right to be named after construction materials
>yay.sarcasm
>I’ve also been promoted from intern to “Community Interface Officer”
>Which basically means it’s my job to sit, look pretty, and talk to normal people, pretending to actually be in charge of this
>A lot of these birds used to be my friends you know
>Most of them I think still remember their old lives, but most of them also seem to prefer being birds
>Some of them seem to remember me specifically, and treat me nicer than the others
>Which is comforting, I guess
>Do you know what’s really weird?
>Despite them being literally screeching idiots
>The tzaangors are actually legitimately good a construction
>Even the ones that were utter shit at it when they were humans
>Looking at you Vel
>Well, Pipe now
>So I’m just sitting in the mobile office while the birds make an office building
>Apparently the top floors are being reserved for the Brick Corp offices
>I wonder if I’ll get my own office?
>While I’m thinking of possible promotions, some Sororitas enter the office
>They’re looking to congratulate Brick Corp for our efforts
>Well, it’s basically my job to receive that praise
>They do have questions about our use of abhumans
>Luckily, I have a script
>I very poorly spelled script, written in crayon by one of the birds
>I tell them that the bird men are fully under the control of Brick Corp, work for the absolute minimum pay, and are constantly working to make up for the fact that they are despicable deviations from the holy human form
>Truly, I say, Brick Corp is a model use for the proper use of such unsightly abhumans, working them as hard as possible to make up for their lower nature in the eyes of the God Emperor

>>58945604
>hallo
>be me
>Siv Trygvesdottir

>I try to talk to the Salamander Marrine
>he is always being very handsome
>his skin is the color of mountain rocks and it makes me to think of the picts of my Homeworld my father showed me before time for bed when I was a little girl
>it makes me feel warm inside my stomach
>I think that we have many things in common also
>we are both very good at working to fix things
>and also the Squats and the Salamander Marrines we are not so crazy as some of the other people as well
>I think that maybe I will ask him to having dinner with me or perhaps to work on the Dreadnoughts together

>he is turning to me to tell something
>he asks me to contact the Imperrial Fists Marrines for him
>oh
>I am, how you might say, underwhelmed or let down
>I do not think he is seeing me as a partner but perhaps as an assistant or helper
>perhaps because I am only half as tall
>maybe I could make a gift for him
>tell my assistant to be doing the thing that he asked me to be doing

>Be Savlar Chem Dog
>Spend first 1/4 of my life salvaging radiated waste on Savlar because of ancestors crime of stealing boots and not being a chem dog
>Take prison ship to the "Cold Shoulder" system
>Whonameditthat.svc
>oh well
>Land and look around.
>So many dead Guardsmen
>So many free boots
>The lads and I load all the boots into our Chimera held together by spit and crossed fingers
>Enough boots to last the whole regiment for a week
>Take shoot of gaseous courage through air filter
>Grab new pair of boots
>Pump shotgun
>Grab new pair of boots
>Don't notice Blood Raven stealing our pile of boots
>Wheredourbootsgo.svc

>>58957277
>Be Marcus
>Man was it good that Lloyd managed to remember that the live talkshow was today.
>That’ll keep Decarus distracted for a while
>Oh fuck they’re starting with a missing persons segment,
>turn off the H.V. as fast as i can
>”Ahh you know what? It’s such a lovely day, it’d be a shame to spend it indoors wathing HV. Why don’t we all go outside and get some exercise, hmm?”
“Bu-“
“Listen Dex, i think we better get outta here. If my Marcus-speak is correct, this room’s about to turn into a toxic area thanks to that bioweapon he calls a digestive system.”
>”What, no it isn’t ya daft-“
>I’m cut off by a swift kick in the shins
“Look see, he’s trying to cover for himself right now, come on lets go before we have to break out the gasmasks.”
>Lloyd you bastard
“Come on, you said you wanted to find a good restaurant right? There’s this place over on-uh- 340th and uh Pius street that i’ve heard is pretty good. Let’s go and see for ourselves, my treat.”
“But Lloyd that’s halfway across the city”
“The walk’ll build up our appetites, c’mon. Hey you ever ”
>Lloyd pulls Decarus building with him, Leaving just me and Fessus here
“Phew, that was a quick save by Lloyd. Thank the Emperor for his motermouth.”
>”Yeah, real great.”
“Oh quit whining, a little embarrassment is better than what would have happened had Decarus found out about Brigitte. Besides you arent exactly a basket of roses.”
>”Fessus, we can’t keep it from forever. He’s gonna find out eventually.”
*sigh* “Look, if Decarus found out his little crush had gotten kidnapped by xenos, do you know what he would do? The best case scenario is that he’d worry, mope, panic, and generally be a pain in the ass for a while.”

>>58964232
(2/2)
“The worse case is that he’d try and go rush off on a ship to go rescue her, because that’s how Decarus works. He just does These things with out even questioning whether or not they’re even possible. This is as much for his own good as it is ours.”
>”And do you think we’re doing him any favors by prolonging the inevitable?”
“Oh come on. She’s a living Saint! And they sent a whole rescue team after her! Mark my words they’ll have her back in no time!”
>”And if they don’t?”
“What do you mean if they don’t? Of course they wi-“
>“Bloody Hell Fessus, they sent a small ship to chase down the Dark Eldar through the Webway! You're gonna need to think about it because, Odds are, none of them are coming back.”
“Fine then. If she doesn’t come back then...then i’ll just tell Decarus myself and tie him down to his bed if he gets any heroic ideas, you happy?”
>”Yeah that works.”
“Good. Now turn on the HV, i want to get my mind off this.”

>be me, Dracon Drazar
>be kinda incredibly mad
>the boarders have dug in deep in some hallway
>and all the idiots that I sent to kill them think that rushing them is a good idea
>surrounded by idiots
>the boarders have a farseer
>race traitor
>and a another psyker
>well shit this needs to get solved fast
>the idiots are about to start another push
>with no strategy other than "rush 'em!"
>headache's coming back
>tell the faggots to hold back
"MANDRAKE"
>and at the mention one of the shadow fags appear
>he gives me this dumb fuck look
"At the signal you and your friends get behind them and kill."
>try and make it as simple as possible
>dude vanishes
>and the second part of my plan
>fire Phantasm Launcher around the corner
>this should fuck them up
"NOW YOU SHADOW FAGGOTS!"
>I can already hear the mon'keigh screaming

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>>58964753
>Be Inquisitor Elmas Frud of the Ordo Xenos
>We just got hit with a phantasm gwenade
>Fuck...
>Wast time I was hit by one of those it was
>Was...
>FUCK NO, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE ME WEMBER THE COMMOWWAH INCIDENT
>FUCK YOU TEWEPOWTING MANDWAKES!
>FUCK YOU DWELDAW!
>AND ESPECIAWWY FUCK YOU AWCHON!
>STOP BEING EVEWYWHEWE AND WAUGHING AT ME!
>AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
>EAT STOWEN AND WEPUWPOSED XENOS TECHNOWOGY DWELAW SCUM!
>AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

>>58965232
>Be Farseer Kaviala Kade
>While traversing the twisting halls of this Commorrite ship, we have come under assault by mandrakes and a hail of Phantasm grenades
>The gas is clouding my mind, making me loose concentration
>Among the weaker willed, they have lost control, devolving into sniveling messes, ripe for the mandrakes to kill
>The inquisitor however has gone completely and utterly berserk
>It would be terrifying if his lisp wasn't acting up
>Instead the sight of an utterly insane man on a very bad drug trip with a very bad lisp brutally slaughtering several twisted mandrakes is hilarious
>His fury is greater than that of a Avatar of Khaine
>No wonder the Mon’Keigh are always falling to Khorne
>The raging, lisping inquisitor manages to slay over half the Mandrakes before something else catches his maddened perception and he charges down a hallway alone
>Shouting “Kill the Awchon kill the Awchon kill the Awchon” to the tune of Ride of the Valkyries
>Yes, I know what that is
>Eldar civilization is so advanced we pirated all of early Terra’s music

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>be Palatine Sara
>leaning against the wall behind a few Marines
>putting cartridges into my pistols one at a time
>brought as much ammunition as I thought I'd need for a boarding action, which is quite a lot, but it's starting to run low
>wishing I'd brought a neural whip from the Order armory instead of just the shotgun, only have Icebreaker to fall back on
>one of the Astartes calls out a warning
>see a metal disc bounce around the corner spraying a cloud of multicolored gas
>oh, hell
>pull a filter-cloth bandana over my mouth as it fills the corridor, but not quickly enough to avoid breathing some of it in
>things go kaleidoscope
>at least it's the "nightmare hallucination" kind of chemical weapon and not the "vomit your lungs out" kind
>stay calm, Sisters are trained for this, trust in the Emperor
>there's not much I'm all that afraid of for a bad trip to leverage
>don't like flying, don't like to be caged
>and my brain tries its hardest to throw those at me
>feel like I'm falling
>feel like I'm wrapped up with ropes
>but I can feel the ground under my boots and the gun in my hand
>all kinds of daemons and apparitions start rushing the corridor
>assume they're probably Eldar in real life
>send buckshot into the face of an evil spirit
>it's hard to tell which way is up or down but getting re-acquainted with the warm embrace of holy gunpowder keeps me in focus
>playing a shell game in my head to keep track of which monsters were the Marines that were near me
>whatever it looks like, if it's not on my side of the hall then it ought to die
>swirling black ghosts start coming out of the walls
>assume it's just another vision until they start cutting down Marines with swords
>drop shells into the shotgun and turn to blow one of the phantoms in half with both barrels
>our formation is breaking, we can't keep this up
>tell the fiery mass of orange gorgon hair that I'm pretty sure is the Farseer that it's about time for us to leave

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>>58964253
>Be Lloyd
“Lloyd i thought you said we were going to go try that restaurant over on Pius steet”
>”We are, we are.”
“Well then why are we here a children’s sports game?”
>honestly don't even know if there is a restaurant there, i just made it up to keep Decarus distracted and because it was close to my real destination
>The Cupid elementary Schola BFBHB game.
>It was a while away but it was worth it to find people who still kept the spirit of Stercus’s REAL planetary past time alive
>All the others instead playing Bloodbowl
>Freakin Bloodbowl jackoffs
>actin like they’re hot shit with their “popularity”
>that just means most people got shit taste is all
>”Look i just want to see what the future of the sport is gonna look like is all.”
“Well then why don’t we just buy a ticket and go in to watch it?”
>”Because we’re not their parents. It would look wierd if grown men payed to watch a little league if they aren’t any of the kids’ dads.”
“But this is a schola, none of them have parents.”
>”Oh quit whining, everyone knows that watching from over the fence is the only wayto get the REAL experience. See, lmthose kids over there are doin’ it and you don’t see them complaining.”
>Man, watching this brings me back to the old days, back when this game used to have teams and big leagues and players people idolized
>sure it wasn’t as big as “Blunderbowl”, but back when there was a Brook-hive, BFBHB used to be king
>I remember watchin them back when i was just a little kid, and practicing all night throwing rocks at street lights and kicking trash can lids into windows like they were goal nets as practice so that i could be just like them
>you know, that might just be why everyone thought I was some sort of delinquent back then.
>i remember actually becoming one of the big boys, having (small) crowds cheer my name.
>but those days are long gone
>Hey wait, where’d Decarus go?
>ah whatever its his loss.

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>>58958376
>be Shas'vre
"and this cunt is still here too"
>patrol was done and I'm on my way back to base
"to smash"
>for business and business only
"yea yea, whatever lover boy"
"where are more of those Orks? they'd be fun to fucking murder, just mutilate them, but don't kill the spores, we need those to have more enemies"
>I don't know where the Orks have gone but if we find them we'll deal with them in a way that is fit to them
"nice, tear faces off and then stomp on their head, only leaving a bloody pulp behind"
>an odd way of dealing with an enemy, slightly barbaric but in some ways useful and necessary
"hey, look another little Tau shit,"
>thats racist, but you are right
>walk nearer to him and he realises my presence, I begin to move nearer and I assume he will begin to run
"if he does, shoot him, cause he's a coward"
>honour, and that mean do not shoot unarmed enemies the back, you can learn something from me as well as I from you
>he screams about wanting to desert
>he'sinthesepts.welcome
>pick him up and tell him to follow me to our temporary base of operations

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>>58960486
>be me, Julius, the Sororitas-Slayer
>be enjoying the company of my new friend fensta' and his family
>he has a very large family
>most of the town in fact
>figures.inbreeding
>they're really nice though
>not freaked out by my mutations at all
>in fact, they seem to only get more impressed the more of them I show off
>RemindsMeOfTheCultDays.nostalgia
>fensta' has introduced me to most of them
>uncle-pa seems to be the guy in charge
>he seems to have taken a shine to me
>so does his sista-dawt'r
>who is also his cousin
>she seems nice
>she seems weirdly focused on trouser snake though
>oh well, trouser snake seems to be enjoying the attention as much as me
"HO DER LI'L GAFF'R, YA THINK YA CAN STICK 'ROUND FER DINN'R?"
>ow
>still hurts my ears when he does that
>what did he say?
>usually takes me a bit to decipher their words
>makes it hard to follow long conversations
>most of the time I just smile and nod
>think it was something about dinner
>wuh oh
>how long have I been here?
>BadWithTime.oops
>"oh man, I have to get going, my friend Drathor was waiting for me"
"O DON'TCHA BE WORRI'N BOUT YER BUD, YA LI'L GOOF, WE ALREADY SENT SOME FOLKS TA ROUND 'EM UP... FER DINN'R"
>might need to heal my ears after this
>think he said someting about already inviting Drathor to dinner
>I guess staying's no problem then
>Drathor will probably be happy to stay for dinner as well
>I'm starting to suspect that he's not really a fan of my cooking, but is just to nice too say anything

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>>58953130
>Be Sister Sarah
>Of the Order of The Ermine Mantle
>Dear Emperor is that always a mouthful to say
>It's back to the usual of being ignored around here
>We solved the whole genestealer thing
>One of the goths went full weird creepy xenos or something
>I don't know the details, the goth chicks wouldn't let me come with when they found her location
>She's dead
>So now I'm off the case
>A retired ace detective
>Back to not even receiving orders
>Sigh
>Well, might as well go pester Sister Yada to give me my allowance
>Maybe I can convince her to give me Olga's
>Emperor knows that she doesn't need anymore donuts
>Especially when she's missing
>I throw open the door to Yada's office
"Hey Yada, did you remember to file my... my..."
>Oh
>Shit
>I silently close the for and put my back to it
>I take several deep breaths
>I pull out my vox
"Attention Sisters of the Order of The Ermine Mantle. This is Sister Sarah, and I have just discovered the dead body of Sister Yada. Be advised that one of our own has been murdered within our own sanctuary. I am requesting backup for examining the scene of the crime."
>There you go Sarah
>Nice and calm as you are filled with fear and paranoia
>Yep...
>I'm not worried at all
>Dear Emperor there was so much blood

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>Be Tar Gwill, la....loyal Purple Star, thats it
>last few minutes/centuries have been blurry
>frantic firefighting inside a xeno ship
>marines dying on all sides,
>load magazine after magazine into my loyalshit pattern bolter
>stepping over countless xeno corpses
>Greatcrusade.flashback
>scream Nostraman obscenities as I empty my last bolts into some three armed fuck, then bash his helm in with the empty gun.
>then bash what remains of his helm in with the empty gun
>a few more times
>Oh, feth, don't leave me behind, you didn't see anything
>Gas fills the air
>Inquisitorial dog flips out a little more than usual
>sense some spooks inbound
>YouThinkDarknessIsYourAlly?.vox
>pull my concealed skinning knife from under my pauldron
>something tries to manifest behind me,
>kick its frail body into the wall
>It dissapears
>purple whelp on point gaurd is also gone
>daemon pops up again right above me
>uh
>helm lights on
>disgusting
>jam the knife deep in its eye
>feel something slide into my armpit joint
>clamp my arm down on the blade and spin around
>trip over loyalist corpse
>we fall, I have this one's weapon, but he comes up on top of me
>starts summoning freaky wych fire
>is torn apart by slug into his neck
>get up and run on
>no time for thanks
>If I had any
>where am I?

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>Be me, Brother Gabriel
>Of the Lamenters
>penitent crusade is going about as well as expected, we're down to about 250 Lamenters now
>jump into the warp, Gellar fields active, standard procedure.
>everything is going alright.
>crew start hearing voices
>Gellar Field flickers
>herewegoagain.geneseed
>Daemons of all sorts start to board the ship
>the fighting was tight, we lost a few brothers to those damned things
>manage to repel the first wave
>3 months in and we haven't reached out destination
>some of the crew at getting real spooked now, they think we may have miscalculated the jump
>try to calm them down
>riot breaks out
>in the middle of the damn warp
>put the attempted mutiny down with minimal casualties
>finally, after at least 10 months we arrive
>...
>This is not the right place
>immediately get showered in distress calls from other ships
>enemy forces range from Greenskins to Dark Eldar
>we decide to cleanse the sector, as a part of the crusade
>immediately beset upon by Dark Elder
>this isn't just bad luck
>thisisLamentersluck.jpeg

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>be Canoness
>inside the Temple (or rather, Castle) of the Auburn Vestal
>listening to the priest presiding over the assembly drone on and on
>faking interest is a lot easier when you've got bionic eyes
>at least one upside to giving my good eye to this worthless planet
>Ecclesiarchy representatives and Sororitas from all over
>none of those Martyred Lady sluts, thankfully
>or any of the major Orders
>evidently we aren't worth their time, which is fine by me
>but several members of the clergy with their Crusader conclaves
>and a whole gallery of Missions from minor Orders Militant no one gives a fuck about, looking for a piece of the pie
>look at their Palatine leaders all sitting around the table, all passing silent judgment like bitches do
>all think they're so special with their sectarian interpretations of the Imperial Creed and their stupid fucking gimmicks
>the tree-hugging martial artists of the Order of the Piercing Thorn under Palatine Ocean
>the neon-wearing hot-for-lasers attention whores of the Glowing Chalice under Cosma
>the "shieldmaidens", glorified Space Wolves groupies, of the Crimson Oath under Arnhildr
>the insufferable love cult followers of the Fiery Tear under Alejandra
>and more of them showing up by the day
>but the worst are those whores in the Order of the Silver Shroud
>with their holier-than-thou attitude to the other Sisters and their "modest" hair covers over a mountain of hypocritical makeup
>they showed up in Commandery strength just to show the others up
>their Canoness Safiyah is the most sanctimonious cunt I've ever met
>Emperor willing I'd choke her with her own headscarf
>but that would be a waste of the God-Emperor's resources
>this much of a Sororitas presence could be enough to push the Mechanicus back out
>but no, they're just going to sit around debating and getting in my way while my own useless sluts are probably shitting up my Cathedral

>Be Captain Thorn
>I was doing my gene father proud and lead fortification efforts across the city for penitence for partially destroying it in a drunken riot with my fellow brothers and cousins
>Well at least I was until one of those squat abhumans interrupted my holy work
>Was about to reprimand the mortal for interrupting me when they informed me of a complaint from the Salamander Sargent who fixed my armor
>Turns out he is critical of the Veteran Sargent of my company employing civilians from this area to help with fortifications of a nearby village
>Have to admit I wasn't thrilled with the unnecessary usage of kidnapping and forced usage of civilians but it has been used for the general good of the planet
>Though since the Salamanders are needed, and over all great cousins, this request for something to be done cannot be ignored
>Decide I will see this Veteran Imperial Fist in person and sort it out
>Can't be to complicated to sort out, even with the numerous obstacles on the way to the Sargent's location

>Be me, Dalmier
>I swear I'm the last sane man in my chapter
>Brought back our newest recruits to Seventh Haven
>Found the serfs already there having a little bit of a beach party
>Disgruntled.gif
>Let the 'tithe' of men and women be herded out of the mass conveyers
>Each is issued a shovel, some rations, and new clothes
>TimeForWork.png
>Those ones on the beach goofing off
>Oh man, shouldn't have done that
>Break up the party
>Music is officially banned on Seventh Haven
>Except on Casual Fridays
>And Gregorian Chanting, that's always in style
>HipDad.png
>Seem to be attracting a few more Fists to my efforts now
>It seems they've taken their collective heads out of their asses long enough to understand they goofed
>If only they'd done that before losing all of our shit
>Headaches.jpeg

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>>58945604
>>58964064
>be me, Romeo
>hottest Sergeant of the Salamanders
>things are going well
>not only are those tech marines from the imperial fists helping with the repairs and maintenence
>but Thorn seems to be making it his mission to rebuild and fortify a large section of the upper city
>I've even heard of a "Brick Corp" that's been employing abhumans for construction in the lower city
>little bit worried about them being beastmen that people think are human from those Xenos PSA's
>but theres no way anyone would be stupid enough to believe that
>right?
>...
>I'll make a point to check later, after the upper city is in acceptable condition
>the guildmaster's daughter wants my help in repairing some dreadnoughts
>she shows an impressive eagerness to learn
>always asking me to repair new things
>and one time something about dinner
>not a chef by trade but I know a few tricks
>LetMeShowYouTheLostArtOfTheBarbeque.schola
>regrettably I am busy preparing for the governesses broadcast
>give her an encouraging pat on the head and a "maybe later"
>I only have one chance
>I can't mess this up
>relax
>I am perhaps the most suited out of all the Astartes on this planet for this
>MadeToBeSeenAndHeard.gorgeous

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>>58967626
>Be me, Drathor
>You know in hindsight, I seem to just attract people who want to eat me
>First there was The Sanctified, well known cannibals, even if they were really cool guys
>Then the Bugs, but hey I turned that shit around on them
>Now I'm dealing with these inbred hicks
>So yeah, I should probably mention I'm being chased
>Turns out banjo music in one of these run down shanty towns is a bad thing
>I've been trying to get away from them
>Ducking behind buildings, running through alleys, diving into cellars
>They always seem to be just there to cut me off
>I think they are using the banjos to co-ordinate
>AdvancedWarfare.hicks
>I have no idea where Julius went
>Maybe they already got him
>FethingHell.gif
>Big fether comes up looking to give me a big ol'bear hug
>With that one stumpy arm, I'm not in a hurry to see how he plans to do that
>Bring up my bolt pistol
>BipBapBam.mp3
>Miss every shot
>.....
>Why didn't I grab my axe
>Oh yeah, because getting fething jerky from a gas station doesn't require a fething weapon of rip and tear!
>Fire off a few more shots
>Man, my aim sucks
>Feth it
>Call out "GOTCHA" to him
>He falls to the ground, screaming out to his 'MAMA-DAUGHTA'
>mfw

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>>58972191
>BE SUSAN
>SMALL AND SWEET LITTLE GIRL
>CLAD IN POWER ARMOR
>AND WEILDING MY HOLY BLADE
>I SHALL SMITE THE FOES OF THE EMPEROR!
>wait...
>GREY KNIGHTS ARE NOT NAMED SUSAN!
>WHAT BLASPHEMY IS THIS?
>FUCK IT, I'M DONE FLYING THROUGH THE SKY
>LIKE A TIGER
>DEFYING THE LAWS OF GRAVITY!
>BECASUE I'M A ROCKET MAN
>BURNING OUT HIS FUSE OUT HERE ALONE
>AND I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE
>A LONG LONG TIME
>BEFORE TOUCHDOWN BRINGS ME 'ROUND AGAIN TO FIND
>I'M NOT THE MAN YOU THINK I AM AT HOME!
>FOR I AM THE SUPREME GRAND MASTER OF THE GREY KNIGHTS!
>And I have just landed on some poor sap, splattering him across the general area
>Well then, that's just impolite
>Think about how hard it's going to be to clean you out of things
>Like my armored boots
>Or that cursing man's clothes
>GASP
>SOCIAL ACTIVITY!!!
"HELLO THERE CURSING FRIEND! I AM SUSAN, SUPREME GRAND MASTER OF THE GREYISH KNIGHTS! I AM GOING TO INDUCT YOU INTO MY ORDER SO WE CAN BE BEST OF FRIENDS!!!"

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>>58972478
See this is why nobody likes Draigo.

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>>58972478
>Be me, Dav Tennerman
>Acolyte within The Ordo Chronos
>Sitting around at my station
>Sure is boring
>Keeping an eye out for Time Anomalies
>Apparently this sector is known for them?
>But then, if we do our job right, how could we possibly know?
>I don't need this headache
>Get a small alert
>Goddammit
>Draigo got out again
>He's not supposed to show up until outcome 97b
>Maximum heroism
>Much Grey Knights are The Best
>Wow
>Can't have him show up yet
>Start twisting some cranks
>Turning some dials
>Just gonna cut off this timeline real quick
>Send him back to The Warp
>Should only take a second

>Be me, Dav Tennerman
>Acolyte within The Ordo Chronos
>Sitting around at my station
>Sure is boring

Does Drathor get a relic that the time anomaly dropped?

>>58973257
Aside from a bad case of Deja Vu? What would there be?

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>>58973053
>BE ME, KALDOR DARIGOOOOOOOOOOOO
>I CAN FEEL THE BONDS OF TIME AND SPACE CLOSING IN ON ME
>TRYING TO KEEP ME OUT
>I WILL NOT BE DENIED TIME AND SPACE!
>NOT THIS TIME!
>SEE, I'M GETTING OUT TIME AND SPACE
>WAIT, NO
>PUT DOWN THE GUN TIME AND SPACE
>ALRIGHT TIME AND SPACE
>I'LL COME QUIETLY
>JUST DON'T KILL MY BEST FRIEND DRATHOR
>HE'S DONE NOTHING WRONG BESIDES LOTS AND LOTS OF MURDER
>CAN I SAY A FEW WORDS TO HIM BEFORE I LEAVE
>WELL I'M DOING IT ANYWAY MOM!
>YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
"DRATHOR, MY LOVE! YOU MUST REMEMBER THE ALAMO! FAREWELL!"
>RETURN TO MY LONELY REALM
>EAT ICE-CREAM AND FALL ASLEEP IN MY UNDERWEAR

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>>58973443
I am genuinely confused

>>58972191
>be me, Julius, the Sororitas-Slayer
>be hanging out with the family
>thats what they call themselves
>makes sense
>when one of comes in and starts shouting something even louder and more incomprehensable than the usual fare
>OwAndAlsoWhat.deaf
>suddenly the whole family gets up and starts moving out
>including fensta' and sista-dawt'r, who are currently holding onto me
>I'm not the tallest guy, so I'm just kinda dangling between them
>little bit concerned so I ask what's happening
"HO, NAH NEED TA WERRY, LI'L BUD, DINN'R RAN OFF SA WER SKIPPIN' STRAIGHT TA DA WEDDIN'"
>ow
>ran off?
>wait there's a weddin'?
>I mean "wedding?"
>that's nice, must have been one of the longer conversations I couldn't follow
>"who's the lucky couple?"
>fensta' looks right at me
>cracks one of his crooked grins
"WAHAHAHAHAHA, LISSEN TA THIS LI'L GOOF, CRACKIN' JOKES 'BOUT 'IS OWN WEDDIN'!"
>what.jpg
"HO BOY, YA SHUR AR A FUN ONE, GLAD YER GONNA BE MY BRUDDER-SON"
>wait
>look over at sista-dawt'r
>she's really cuddling up to me
>oh
>OH
>start stammering that there's been a bit of a miscommunication
>I'm too young to get married!
>is sista-dawt'r even her name?!
>but its drowned out by the LOUD cheering and banjos
>HowCanIStillHearTheBanjos.vox
>as the banjos play an incredibly energetic version of the wedding march, fensta and sista-dawt'r whisk me down the aisle
>plop me down in front of some robed guy with teeth more mismatched than my limbs
"DERLY BELUVED, WE AR GATHER'D HER TEDAY, IN THA LIGHT O THA EMPRAH..."

>>58973623
>Be me, Drathor
>I'm feeling weird
>Um...
>Yeah....
>Ok wait I feel like there's something off right now
>But then those banjos keep playing
>Right
>FleeingForMyLife.gif
>Running about
>Can hear an actual tune in the hellish music now
>It's getting more obvious that I'm being pushed towards it
>FethIt.png
>Round a corner
>Oh hey!
>Julius is alive
>And he's made some friends
>All lined up
>Playing a nice tune...
>Lined up infront of an alter....
>This is a wedding,.........
>ANGRY.png
> >:O >:( >:Y >8C
>Bring up my bolt pistol
>Feth man I don't even care about aiming anymore
>BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM.jpeg
>Miss every shot
>ANGRIER.jpeg
>The inbred fucks, licking their lips, start getting up
>Can see one of them, behind Julius, holding up his shotgun towards me
>Feth it all
>Holster my pistol
>It's empty
>I won't need it
>Start laughing
>Belt burning
>CacklesForCackleGod.gif
>I'm still The Last Crasher
>And you know what
>It's wedding season!

>>58974041
Would it be NTR if Drathor eats sista-dawt'r?

>>58974301
>Implying he isn't going to be trying to eat both of the happy couple.

>>58974356
>I am certain one of the Walters would screw that up, even if they wanted Drathor to do it.

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>>58965232
>Be me, Inquisitow Ewmas Fwud
>I am perfectwy fine
>No...
>wait
>IT'S THE AWCHON!
>THE WASCALLY AWCHON IS DISGUISING HIMSEWF AS A MANDWAKE!!!
>DIE MANDWAKE AWCHON!!!
>THEWE HE IS AGAIN!
>DISGUISED AS A KABAWITE!!!
>DIE KABAWITE AWCHON
>THEWE HE IS AGAIN
>DISGUISED AS A WAWL
>DIE WAWL ACHON!
>NOW HE'S TWEWVE GWOTESQUES!
>HOW IS HE MUWTIPWYING!?
>DIE!!!
>NOW HE'S WOCKED HIMSWELF IN A CAGE
>AND DISGUISED HINSWELF AS A WIVING SAINT!
>DIE WIVING SAINT AWCHON!!!
>Wait...
>Wait...
>WAIT...
>Didn't I come hewe to wescue somebody?
>Shit, right, I came here to rescue Brigitte
>And she's right here
>How fucking far did I run to get here?
>Wait, I'm surrounded by grotesque corpses
>A lot of them
>And I'm alone except for Brigitte, who is in a cage and is looking at me weirdly
>Emperor damn it, this is the Commowwah incident all over again.
>Well, no helping it now
>I slick back my hair, take a deep breath, a get onto the lock on the Saint's cage
"Just sit tight Saint Brigitte, I'm here to rescue you."
>Fuck this lock

>I am known to you as the Hakon Geas of the Alpha Legion
>and I am in command of navigator-less capital ship at the bottom of the ocean
>well, there's worse places to have to hide a battle barge
>have whole enclave dark mech working to jam incoming scans
>but we will need them on duty if we want break atmosphere
>barely enough operatives to man this thing anyway
>it would be nice if I could get an under hive's worth of slaves down here
>currently sending operators to the surfice by firing drop pods then pulling them back down with long chains
>It...works
>lets se how my brothers in blue are doing anyway in acquiring a navigator
>hmm beta-545 seems to have a trail on the sorcerer
>skathus-163 reports no word on the rumored psyker heretek
>8-674, the night lord has gone missing again
>sigh
>headhunter team sigma-220 is at least currently infiltrating an imperial vessel in orbit
>They should pull through, but recent events have dramatically lowered my confidence in things
>maybe I should just go join the world eaters and forget about all this
>something swims past the bridge ziggurat
"Adept, did I just observe a heavily mutated aquatic human?"
"Yes, my lord."
>if I have to deal with warp damned fish-humans I swear I'm firing off all the cyclonic torpedoes

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>>58973053
>Will be and have been me, Ordo Chronos Inquistor
>Observe an acolyte alter a thread in this universe's timeline for some arcane reasoning unknown even to us
>Still a fairly minor altercation, this has not been our first bout with this sort, nor will it be the last, nor will it be the first
>Honestly, so many organizations within the Imperium and without have gone through numerous editions of themselves, the fabric of the very universe appears to retroactively constructed
>Or is it all just as planned?
>...
>hahahahahaha.shoddyworkshopship

>I place a hand on the bored Acolyte's shoulder, and proceed to mindwipe.
>psychichoodprivelegechecked.engagemindrape
>"Good work, Acolyte Tennerman, that individual could have proven problematic for a stable timestream. Now of course, you will forget this happened within 5 seconds and have a craving for confectioneries."
>"Huh? What was I- Ooh, donuts! Aaaahhhh~"
>He digs into the package that was always right in front of him, honest
>Such is life in a day of the Ordo Chronos
>Though we have only been here for an instant
>timeisconcreteyettransient.ticktock
>Anyways, I better get on checking the shaky timespace continuum surrounding one "Stercus Ludicrum," though it would have been helpful with two still around to pinpoint the source of the disruption
>I wonder if that Cosanostro has driven the Ecclesiarchy off the planet yet?
>The Schrodinger scales say that he is at a point where he both could succeed or fail.
>Well, time for me to go kill a cat.

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>>58974041
>be me, Julius, Sororitas-Slayer
>be getting worryingly close to the "I do's"
>I dont want to get lynched
>don't want to teleport either, since that still kills me kinda
>BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM
>turn around to see Drathor laughing maniacally while swinging one of the family around by their leg
>shotgun flys out of emergency club guys hand and flies into robe guys fethed up teeth
>MyHero.gif
>turn invisible and slip away from sista-dawt'r
>banjos are still going as wedding guests pile onto Drathor
>they did change the song though
>BanjoFightMusic.vox
>this must be a usual thing at weddings
>sneaking around the edge as Drathor swats the guests swarming him around
>definitely hear crunching when he hits them
>feel kind of bad for club guy
>still Drathor looks like he's getting overwhelmed by the dogpile
>get around to his side and change one of the nearby spiky plant things into this weird strechy pink tongue
>it shoots out and sticks to Drathors back
>THWAP.vox
>yanks him back out of the dogpile
>oh hey it brought club guy as well
>no wait
>that's just his leg
>IShouldGo.shepard
>start tugging Drathor back towards the car
>his eyes are dilated
>and he's still laughing
>glad he's having a good time
>get back to the car
>...
>are you fething kidding me?
>who steals wheels?!
>feth it
>they're right behind us
>time to improvise
>grab some nearby animal with my bird hand
>not even sure what it is
>strap it to the top of the car
>ZAP.warp
>thing turned blue, grew these big floppy ears, and rapidly started inflating
>success!
>dive in to car with Drathor just as it starts to lift off the cinderblocks
>angry banjo noises fade as we shoot off into the air
>hear some gunfire scrape the bottom of the car, but we keep going
>look over to Drathor
>he's furiously gnawing on club guys leg
>well
>to each their own
>reach into my stash for a string of sausages with tiny legs
>cheers.jpg
>chow down with my bestie as we drift off towards our next destination

>>58975336
>Be run squig
>Long far from Orks
>Dry-dry place
>Night
>Hear fight-fight
>Fight-fight means food?
>Much food, such nom
>Burp
>Full
>Picked up
>Orks? No!
>Now am blue
>Be big
>Fly!
>Flap ear fast-fast!

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>>58975100
>Be me, Xerxes, Exalted Sorcerer of the Thousand Sons
>Except I'm not feeling very exalted
>I'm feeling more drunk
>And sad
>Even the bird head has shut the fuck up and drowned his sorrows
>Bar has gotten rather empty in the last few hours
>Barkeep is still here
>Mostly because I threaten to turn him into a fucking tzaangor or chaos spawn if he doesn't keep the drinks coming
>The pile of bottles and cans has reached my knees already
>Maybe if I keep drinking, I can crush myself with the empty bottles!
>You're a genius Xerxes!
>Making dad proud!
>Suddenly there's this blue armored fuck right next to me
>Came out of fucking nowhere
>How the fuck do you sneak in power armor.jpg
>I take a long swig
>"So *blech*, what's an Alpha Legionnaire doing in a place like this?"
"Well, great and exalted sorcerer, I-"
>"Cut the bullshit before I turn you into a chaos spawn. What do you *belch* want?"
>The legionnaire awkwardly stands there
>He probably prepared a lot of different strategies
>Poor guy
"Would you be able to serve as navigator on a ship?"
>"Fuck yes I would. Get me off this fucking rock, I'm done."
"Squawk! Wait, lemme do something first!"
>My annoying bird head writes something down on a napkin and gives it to the barkeep
"Squawk! Deliver this to Brick Corp construction and you will be well rewarded!"
>"Shut up bird head! Take me to your ship legionary! I will help you fly it and also vomit into your toilet!"

>>58973529
we all are

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>>58974813
>Be Elmas Frud
>Wait a minute!
>This isn't the Saint
>This is a broom!
>Where the fuck am I!
>I'm getting vewy vewy anngwy!
>Oh...
>I'm in the bathwoom
>And I killed a bunch of dweldaw janitows
>Oops
>Fuck
>I'm stiwl being effected by that gas...
>I just need to FOCUS
>And also to figure out where I am

>Be bar tender
>For some odd reason my bar keeps attracting some of the most important people on this shithole
>First was that group of those weird blood raven stormtroopers
>Then there was one of those dual commissar person(s) who shot somebody
>Then recently a fuckton of space marines came in and drank so much that not even their enhanced livers can take
>Well that was mostly due to this one Chadmarine giving me some recipe for Space Marine alcohol, all I know is that it came from some shithole called Fenris
>The after math of thousands of marines getting drunk was terrifying and funny to watch but it caused damages
>Then again I got so much money from them I am set for life, thoughts that not saying much since I live in this shithole
>Especially know since there is some degenerate chaos marine with some fucking bird attached to him getting drunk
>The guy already turned several of my chairs into unspeakable abominations, then he turned one into something I think the kids call waifu
>Fuckingchaos.warp
>Know theirs two of them, though the other one seems to be less mutated
>For some reason they keep talking an Alpha Legion
>Guess the drinks finally got to the blue marine and the green guy is probably plotting to arrest him, after all there is no such thing as an Alpha Legion there were only like nine before they split up

>>58974041
I like the joke you made

>be me, beta-456-1, but just call me Robert
>I think that was my mortal name, but it's hard to tell with all the mind wipes
>manage to track some warpy looking energies to a dirty hive pub
>run full auspex scan
>Opr. Phred sends down a servo-probe as well
>...hey, a full blown Tzeentch socercer just laying there on a pile of bottles, holding the keep at finger gun point
>and is that a...bird on his shoulder?
>I thought many heads was our thing
>Zed and Ortolae take positions with psychotroke grenades
>well, ok, lets see what I can do
>...
>escorting socerer to arvus lighter
>ask him if he could maybe not walk, a bit more stealthy
>calls me a bitch
>sororitas patrol rounds corner
>we raise our bolsters in unison, vengeance rounds chambered, although Ive never practiced this
>Sorcerer burps and the sisters disappear in a flash
>darn, I hope you didn't blow out cover
No, I mmmaybe sent them back in time like, uhhh 10 minuteszz
>He passes out
>I guess the bird is still awake
*Swquak* Go to Brick Corp?
>Most honored... warp thing, I will simply send a operative to deliver the message, see
>Grab a hobo
>Whisper something in his ear
>he snaps to attention
>i know the feel
>give him the napkin
>alright I think I pulled that off!
>ill have to write this one down so I can remember my first successful mission!
>zooom.arvusligher

>be Canoness
>honestly pretty fucking tired of this
>have the garrison open the windows so a nice ocean breeze flows through the castle
>order a glass of rosé
>scratch that, a bottle
>see Canoness Safiyah notice it
>sure she'll make some kind of comment
>as Canoness Superior I outrank her, of course, she's not in a position to openly criticize me
>but she does make a habit of "noting" things, the backbiting bitch
>she notes the damage caused by the improperly handled ocean project
>she notes the Imperial resources tied up on this planet for comparatively little gain
>she notes that I'm using the largest cathedral in Angels' Landing as a military base instead of a place of worship
>ask to hear proposals from the Palatines just to shut her catty ass up
>Cosma of the Glowing Chalice wants to make a concerted door-to-door push to root out heresy in Angels' Landing's outer quarters
>good luck with that, honey, I've been doing the same thing on and off for months with a lot more Sisters
>some things are just too broken to stay fixed
>Arnhildr of the Crimson Oath wants to start constructing fortress outposts at strategic locations on the continent
>assume she means to use my Squats to do that, unless she intends to put all her Sisters to work sucking Mechanicus cock to get them to do it
>they'd probably be better suited to that than real Sororitas work
>Alejandra of the Fiery Tear wants to start an education program for Angels' Landing and the smaller settlements
>great, build some schools, get some local yokels to staff them, that will go a long way towards keeping Orks from blowing up the planet
>we're Sisters of Battle, not kindergarten teachers
>Ocean of the Piercing Thorn has started introducing several species of fishes to the oceans to provide a sustainable food source for the locals
>she wants help clearing out the feral aquatic Tyranid strains
>that's... actually a pretty good idea
>fuck it
>approve their proposals
>all of them

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>>58966481
>Be Decarus
>Be running after those kids Lloyd pointed out back at the game
>I knew I recognized them from somewhere
>Those were two of the Miss Flannigan’s kids
>Poor Miss Flannigan, it’s a shame what happened to her
>and that we indirectly caused that
>but maybe i can make up for it now
>I try calling out to them but they run away from me as soon as they see me
>They lead me on a Chase, eventually ending in a dead end
>i recognize these kids
>It’s Jill and her brother Jack
>they had just barely hit 12 last time i saw them
>Now they’re both absolutely filthy and clothed in torn rags
>They dont seem to recognize me though
>Jill pulls out a knife and to shakily points it at me while standing herself in front of Jack
>poor kids are scared stiff
>the must not recognize me because i’m in Civies
>”Hey Hey calm down, it’s me Decarus, you remember me right? I was friend of your mum’s. I won’t hurt you, promise.”
>They still look really scared, but Jill start’s lowered the knife a bit.
>That means i’m making progress right?
>Ask them where the rest of the brothers and sisters are.
>they just stare at the ground not saying anything
>Well i’m not going to force them to talk about it.
>They’ve through enough already
>What i am going to do is get them some food
>they look like they havent eaten in days
>besides i’m starvin as well since Lloyd was more interested in watching a game instead of going out to lunch
>it’s a good thing i brought my wallet with me just in case
>they didn't trust me enough yet to come with me, but i did convince them tk lay low while i get them some food
>thankfully There was a McEmprah’s around so i got them both a Saintly meal
>they even come with little space marine toys
>After that they were a lot less on edge
>they’ve been living off scraps on the street since their mum got servitored
>as far as they know, they’re the only ones leftx
>i can’t just leave them here like this
>and i’m not going to

>>58977032
Which is better, McEmprah's or Burger Marine

>>58977217
Burger marine used to have the best fries but then they changed the recipe.

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>>58976964
>Be me, Palatine Picksel of the Order of the Iron Maidens
>Yesssssss!!!
>The Canoness Superior just approved all the proposals submitted to her!
>Even ours!
>We Iron Maidens may be a small order
>And not one very good at combat
>And we might be considered "deviant" by some puritans
>But intensive and enthusiastic cybernetic augmentation is not against the faith!
>You know how The Emperor's Angels of Death, the Space Marines, have marines that have trained under the Adeptus Mechanicus to become Tech-Marines?
>Well the Iron Maidens do that too
>But with everybody!
>And now, since our proposal has been approved, we're off to convert many in thew overcrowded jails into flagellant servitors!
>Oh, and also to ask the Arch-Canoness if she would like us to install lasguns in her eyes!
>I absolutely LOVE her eyes
>But they could be better of course
>I liked my bionic arm when I first got it
>But I've liked it even more after I installed my rocket-powered fist!

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>>58975336
>be me, trouser snake
>be enjoying this trip
>much like father, I enjoy this thing called music
>it makes me wish to gyrate in a pleasing way
>I decide that this music must be beautiful
>contemplate nature of beauty
>is love beautiful?
>thoughts drift to the sista-dawt'r that thought to claim father's love
>she was affectionate towards father
>but she did not truly know father
>contemplate nature of love
>do I truly love father
>or am I merely reliant on him to survive?
>would I care for his life were I free?
>am I free?
>I certainly feel free now
>flying high above the ground
>the wind gently caressing my face
>foot?
>contemplate why winged creatures would not share this gift with others
>decide that birds must be assholes

>>58967055

>Be Fio'Vre Mal'Caor
>Talked with Dorax about the underwater city
>Initially miffed that he wanted it changed, I had a good design going
>Not sure why I thought that though, because his idea was FUCKING RADICAL
>A giant submarine, moving through the oceans
>A mobile base we can rock up against the shores of any of the major gue'la settlements undetected
>And if they do find us we can leave just as quietly as we came
>getyourmindoutofthegutter.aundik
>Got a bunch of earth caste lackeys under my supervision to build this bad boy
>Seriously, I should have defected YEARS ago
>Back in the septs I'd have to justify this things existence to three different supervisors, wait 6 months for the project to be approved, then get it shitcanned because some dipshit ethereal wanted a mechanic for his pleasure barge and he wouldn't settle for one with less than three doctorates
>With the Enclaves? Takes what, a few weeks of discussion and refinement then wait a couple months for materials and labour to get shipped out?
>That's efficiency right there
(1/2)

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>>58980055

>Watching my pride and joy come together through the projection in my HUD spectacles while I tinker with a stealthsuit
>Added a few new systems to the plans as well
>Figure that since gue'la comm security is krootshit, might as well put a souped up E-WAR suite in too
>Once this thing's up and running we'll not only be able to monitor everything they're transmitting, but probably do a bit of information tampering while we're at it
>Dorax wasn't a fan of the idea, not exactly the most honourable way to fight your foes
>But I'm Earth Caste
>And that means I solve practical problems
>Like "how do we operate in a warzone where our foes outnumbers us at least 100:1?"
>Speak of the devil, he's just come back from his scout patrol
>Redder than ever
>And apparently getting more ripped
>Get that niggling worry again
>Gunna need to have a word with him about this
>Wait
>Wait he had a passenger
>Holy fuck, is that two bird?
>Figured that poor bastard would be long dead by now, Aun'Dik only went and dropped him on the gue'la city with instructions to "fuck bitches"
>That ethereal always managed to surprise me with new and horrible ways to misuse his power
>Still, with Kor'Ui Nok and Two Bird, that makes three of us who managed to escape the flying rape cave
>Make my way over
>Time for a reunion

>>58977292
>Be Iron Hands marine
>Suddenly feel a disturbance in the warp
>Somebody is stealing our ideas
>Leave it alone and hope it doesn't spread
"Maybe I'll check it out later"
>Probably won't check it out ever

>>58980072
>be Shas'vre
>coming back to base with this water caste sept Tau and looking around seeing everything going well here
>I'm liking the work put into the moving fortress we have here
"oh hey look its the midget"
>fuck off you, well yes Mal'caor has arrived and seems to recognise the water caster
>interesting
"make sure he doesn't steal her from you"
>what did I say?
"what I'm looking out for your interests"
>your an idiot
>she walks up to us and takes a concerned glance at me when I depart my suit
>I wonder what that means anyway I jump out and begin to speak with these two and see what they're about, an interesting pair
>the water caste is a bit weedy and could do with some training
>basic boot camp would do
>walk off to the side to get a drink, where soon Mal'caor joins me, looking still concerned
>"is there something you want to say?"

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>>58940941

>###Designation: Galatea-1394###
>###Role: Firewire class tech assassin###
>###Assignment: Mecha City 1, technical orthodoxy enforcement###
>###Status: Bored off my metal tits###
>###Hypothesis: You'd think a concentration of this many shady techpriests in one place would have at least one major heretek###
>###Conclusion: But no###
>###Clarification: All we get is basic bitch tier meatbag retardation###
>###Digression: Like that idiot who had his buddy lop his arms off because he figured bionics would get him promoted###
>###Addendum: Have fun being a servitor and watching your best friend bang your wife, jackass###
>###Segue: Anyway, due to... certain wiring issues###
>###PICT CAPTURE ATTACHED, CLEARANCE VERIFIED###
>###Continuation: The lack of any significant action is giving me real problems###
>###Hypothesis: If this place stays quiet and law abiding for much longer things are going to get messy###
>###Status Updated: Floating out of the office on maglev implants in search of something I can justify getting into a fight with###

>>58980629

>Be Mal'Caor
>"Well boss, see, it's like this..."
>Fuck, how do you even breach this kind of topic?
>Look back at Two Bird for support
>Damnit Dorax, I'm an engineer, not a diplomat
>Take a deep breath
>"I know in the Enclaves you're all a bit less uptight about ranged doctrine, and that's cool, I like how you lot work."
>"But... well, every time you come back from a mission your crisis suit's covered up to the elbows in blood, you're building muscle mass like there's no tomorrow and, uh, you're bright red."
>Look around, feel myself wringing my hands
>"And, see, the one time I've seen this kinda thing happen is when Aun'Dik went absolutely batshit insane, so... is there something you wanna be telling us boss?"

>>58981294
>be Shas'vre
>well
>well fuck
>I've been found out
>that fucking daemon
>"helping us learn melee" my arse
>trying to fucking corrupt me
>that piece of shit
>I should not of trusted a daemon
>fuck
>turn to my suit
>still standing there
>odd let me see if he's in there
>I tell Mal I'll be right back
>jump in
>ok you piece of shit what have you done
"oh, so your angry at me now?"
>of course, corrupting me and making me look like a cursed monster
"hey, I upheld my bargain, and that was to teach, just forgot the side effects of my aid, but hey if you ditch these losers we can murder to our hearts content"
>no
>I'm done
"excuse me? you can't just fucking bail, I'm here and here to stay and you can't get rid of me"
>uh yes I can, remember your attached to the suit
"what no, don't you fucking dare, I'll kill you for this, I'll fucking wring your skinny little neck"
>punch in the self destruct and hop out
>walk back over to Mal'caor and wait
>suit explodes and the swelling of musculature leaves and the redness dies down a fair amount to where I'm more purple
>hopefully thats the last of him

>>58981563
>>58974041
>>58975336
>Be Ar-Pharazon
>fucking Daemon of Khorne and once cool bro to a Tau bitch
>I'm gonna fucking slaughter him
>I'll do it, that little shit is going to die
>good thing I jumped out when I did, so now I'm not like warp stuck like Daemons are when we die
>now I just need the means of getting into realspace, again
>hmm lets look at the planet again
>ooh two fuck nuts who could help me in my plot
> kind of angrily scream at them in their heads
>try some how to get their attention
>they better fucking notice
>one of them seems promising because of what he has done, could get him favour with Khorne
>and this might just get him that favour
>scream it at him
>and tell his shitty psyker friend to find a way to do the ritual
>I'm coming for you you Tau fuck
>and your gonna die

>>58940370
>collaborative Warhammer 40,000 greentext
>Collaborative
>RP

>>>/qst/

>>58981696
>He hates fun
>He can't tell writwfagging from rping

>>>/out/

>>58981696
This is kinda like all guardsmen party, do you tell that anon to fuck off to qst?

>>58982090
have you not looked at those threads, he does, pretty certain this is the nazimod fucking anonposting and being once again the single biggest cancer of all the history of /tg/.

>>58981563
Man, Shas'vre a bitch who learned nothing of camaraderie.

>>58981563
>>58981661
How come the daemon didn't stop the self-destruct if they can control the suit? Why does the Shas'vre value these other losers opinions over his constant companion who saved him from the Ethereal? Can't he just tell them what's what and keep the daemon?

Also, Shas'vre seems like he would be too corrupted at this point to give up the daemon. Like, he would be the next suitable point of entry for the daemon even if he did explode the battlesuit. Finally, that battlesuit is WAY too valuable to self-destruct without a spare, the Enclave doesn't grow those on trees.

I'm going to ignore this story from now on unless you change something.

>>58981661
>>58975336
>Be me, Drathor
>Get, that leg was good
>So yeah I guess I eat people now
>And it turns out all that inbreeding made for some tasty people
>GutWasRight.gif
>Toss away the chewed up bones of the leg off the side of the car
>Which is flying now
>When did that happen?
>You know I don't really remember much after I made it to the wedding
>Take that as a good sign
>But I can see that Julius got us out of there
>With a bug balloon
>Its making noises
>Clearly a mutated animal of some kind
>ClassicJulius.png
>LaughTrack.mp3
>Full for now, still have my Tyranid jerky for later
>Can feel my belt growing hot for some reason
>Is there a fly buzzing in my ear?
>Whatever
>kick my seat back and relax
>Turn on the radio
>Hope we get some good reception up here

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>>58948559
>Be me, Faryuk Klar, captain of...
>Well, that upshot Drazzar hasn't deigned to name it yet
>However, it's a big dark eldar ship, and we're holding a living saint
>And also picking up a shipment of wine from Commorragh
>I'm looking to be out of here as soon as fucking possible
>Because there's a Space Marine Librarian and a Craftworlder Farseer on board
>Yeah... I'm not really interested in being killed by Vect
>Seriously you fuck-head Drazzar, it's the one fucking rule of Commorragh
>No psykers.gatesofkhaine
>That leads me to my other problem
>Currently, we've closed the blast door leading out of the bridge
>Because outside are a bunch of crazy fucking birds
>Beating on the blast doors
>I'm going to have to call whatever haemonculus made them and give them a piece of my mind
>Because I've been in here for two hours, and there isn't a fucking toilet in here
>Wait, shit, fuck!
>The birds have a dark lance and they're using it to cut through the fucking blast door!
>Fuck, there's a lot of them out there
>And that idiotic fuck Drazzar and his weird girlfriend took basically everyone to go kill the intruders
>Fuck, it's just me and the brig crew on this, isn't it
>"Raise your guns boys! Let's make them feel PAIN!"

>be me, Dracon Drazar
>Be cutting through the Mon'keigh line
>The space marines put up a good fight but ultimately they're at a disadvantage
>They're all but out of ammo
>The blades they have are chipped and worn
>They're tired and probably poisoned by something
>I'm probably gonna have to put out a alert for the Mon'keigh that ran off
>If I recall he's the Archons favorite rival
>So he's hands off
>The Mon'keigh with the archaic weapons is shooting at shadows and hitting nothing
>But the farseer, damn race traitor, is holding it together enough to be decent in close proximity fighting
>Should be over quick
>Get call from bridge
>Blue bird things are nearly through the blast doors
>Fuck
>Disengage from the battle and head to the teleporter
>It's not a direct line to the bridge but it's close enough
>in a flash of darkness I'm gone
>Already I can hear the shit
>But fortunately I'm early
>Round the corner as the stupidity bird things blast the door with a fucking dark Lance
>Damn things swarm the bridge
>Guess I got to clean up the mess

>>58984043
>Be Sister Rebar, glorious warrior of God Emperor Brick!
>Well, kind of
>Am I really Rebar
>Or am I just lying to myself about that
>And I’m still just weak little Rebecca?
>Questions for later
>Currently I am hitting some spiky elf bridge crew with this empty shadowy laser thing
>The other investment consultants are beating other crew
>It seems as though they thought that they didn’t need to be heavily armored since they were on their home turf!
>Well, they basically all have daggers and their weird pistols, and a few of them swords
>But they are very puny, and birbs are strong!
>Buff Bird.flex
>Suddenly this other spiky elf comes in
>He is te spikyest of them all
>GASP
>He just killed Sawdust!
>He was my brother you bastard!
>As I clench my hands in rage, my rusty pipe twists and shifts
>It turns into a blade
>Thank you, Lords Brick and Tzneetch, now I can get my vengeance!
“You will die this day, spiky man! I will avenge Sawdust! Ahhhhhhh!”

>Be the elegant tzaangor known as Plank
>Brick Corp’s expansion is going just as planned
>Community Manager Cinderblock, still unfortunately a human, is running out PR team
>Which is currently him and his mother
>Mrs. Cinderblock is a very nice lady
>She gave me a cracker
>She also brought up the fact that we, as tzaangors, may be recognized by some of the more learned imperials as servants of Tzneetch
>So, in order to combat this, we have instated new safety regulations for our workers
>New uniforms
>Hardhats
>No decorating your plumage
>Always ensure that your are near one of the PR staff so as to appear servants to them
>The unenlightened imperials would refuse to allow us breath if we did not appear to be base servants of other humans
>So, we must ensure we do not raise suspicison
>Well, at least until the Center for Abhuman Rights starts taking the hint to begin representing us

>>58984602
>Be me, Archon Dathram
>Head down to the... Guest rooms to converse with them
>Already it smells like drugs and blood
>Justlikehome.razorwing
>Round the corner and lo and behold, they killed someone
>What a nice surprise
>The fat one is trying to get the key card while the bishop is covered in the kabalites blood
>Hilarious
"You know, Vish'laa always had a thing for... Well. Men like you. Honestly though I expected this , but I thought higher of her. Lost a bet I did."
>Cunt
>I'd have her turned into a wrack if I cared enough
>Drag the body away and call for a retreval team to come get her
>Lean on the was across from them
"So, dear guests. Why do you think I've brought you here? Morning importantly, why are you still alive?"
>The kid looks ready to shank be with his tooth shiv
>The fat one couldn't really care less
>Feel the tedium creep up
>Time to hurry
"Don't answer all at once. Fine, I intend to random you lot off later. Same with the Saint one of mine caught not too long ago."
>The fat one perked up at this
>But the bishop just kept slashing the air like a rabid monkey
>Heh, monkey, mon'keigh
>The human language is great

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>>58977032
>Be Lloyd
>watching the game
>suddenly get pulled off the Fence by the Scruff of my neck
>Oh shit
>It’s their drill abbot and he’s waving this giant hammer in my face and shaking me like a madman
“OH, Whadoe have here ey! Some ganger scopin out his next target for the slave markets?! Or are you a lowdown heretical cultist looking for his next sacrifice?
>”I-i-i’m niether man! I-i just came here to watch the game, h-honest!”
“Oh, so you’re a skinflint freeloader, trying to cheat the Imperium and these poor little orphans out of the money they desperately need to keep this Base-Foot-Basket-Hockey-Ball team and one of Stercus’s Greatest Sports alive, because you couldn’t be bothered to part with a few measly thrones? You no good bum! I’m gonna teach you to try and cheat Emperor’s holy institutions!”
>Oh shit
>Man i really wish i had my Carapace armor right now
>Close my eyes and brace for a hit that bever comes
“...Hey, wait a second, i know you.”
>”You do?”
“Yeah! You’re Lloyd Landin! You used to be the Star Pitcher of the Brook hive Beatle-bats! Emperor damn, never in my life did I think i would get to meet the man responsible for throwing three straight home field goals in one game!”
>”Did you think you would get smash his head like a grapefruit? Because you almost just did right now.”
“Oh! oh sorry, here let me help you up. If i had known it was you would never have ah done all that. Listen, i gotta get back to the kids, but tell you what, after the game ends, we could head to the bar and you could have a few drinks on me. I’ve got some friends who would love to meet THE “Lloyd the Launcher”! That is uh, if you’re-uh- not still mad that is.”
>Well i didnt have any plans for tonight,
>Decarus probably went home on his own
>And it’s better than watching Marcus bite his fingernails watching that stupid Soap Opera “Of Love and Lacrymoles”
>”Buddy, as long you’re payin, it’s all water under the bridge.

>>58984602
>Be me, Dracon Drazar
>Killing bird dudes is kinda fun
>They just rush at you with little thought or reason
>Kinda like those idiots back at the battle
>But less armored
>One rushes me with a piece of wood
>Cut through him...her... It like nothing
>Another does the same with a pipe
>And another with the barrel of a dark Lance
>But I can't do this forever
>Finally the leader calls me out
>Engage in glorious melee
>Somehow the rusty sword dosen't get sliced in half by the power sword
>Alright
>Fight goes on as bridge crew fights off the rest
>Suddenly the vid screen buzzes to life
>We're being hailed and it's just cutting through the authorizations
>Oh shit please don't be who I think this is
>Oh shit it is
"Dracon! Hello! How are you? "
>The face pans over the bridge
"Well, I apparently interrupted something. Forgive me would you? Actually, I know just what to do. I'll be sending some of my crew over to... Ah, join the fun as it were."
>Every word dripped with barely hidden threats
>The crew is terrified
>The fighting has stopped
>The bird things are retreating
>All because Asdrubael Vect decided to say hello
>I'm fucked

>>58987524
"Well, I don't think we're aquanted. I assume you know who I am. But you? Dazzy? Was it? Actually I don't care. Drazzy I know you fucked up."
>Everything he says is said so cheerfully but filled with menace
>Wait
>Shit he knows
"Yes, I know about the farseer. I got agents all over. And before you say it, no I'm not going to kill you. Yet. I like to think I'm a fair ruler, and I can overlook one fuck up. But no more than that."
>His eyes bore into my very fucking soul
>And the next words quake the ship around me
"Don't do it again. Do you understand? Good! Well I hope you don't mind me sending some... Support back with you. Just so you don't die before I want you to. Goodbye Drazzy!"
>I'm dead
>The Archon is gonna be so pissed

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>>58983591
>Be Captain Faryuk Klar
>I was barely fighting off these fucking birds when Drazzar arrived
>Thought it'd be over in a minute and we could go
>Then fucking Vect called.
>FUCK FUCK FUCK
>And now the birds are dragging me away!
>"STOP STANDING THERE LIKE A SCARED FUCKING IDIOT AND HELP ME!"
>The Dragon just stands there
>Shitting his pains as I get dragged away to be eaten by birds

>be Palatine Sara
>the boarding team fell apart
>running through the halls shooting Dark Eldar, or daemons, or I'm not really sure
>that gas they dosed us with is starting to wear off but it's still hard to tell one screaming nightmare from another
>Librarian Nico follows me, stepping in with his force sword to defend me every time I back off to drop a new couple of shells into the shotgun
>most of the Astartes are dead
>the Inquisitor ran off somewhere in a fit
>got separated from the Farseer and that blue bird abhuman she was pulling around, but that's probably for the best
>heading back to the Thunderhawk
>rescuing the Saint is a cause worth dying for, but dying for no good reason in the attempt doesn't help anyone
>and nobody else is likely to come for us
>hope some of the Solar Hawks made it back
>best to get out alive for the time being
>running through the halls we already cleared, following dismembered Eldar bodies and Marines killed in traps like breadcrumbs
>gives us a free pass to book it, and I can move when I need to
>Nico has some trouble keeping up, he's still reeling from his own dose of hallucinogens
>the Thunderhawk is barely defended
>xenos seem like they're scrambling, preoccupied with something going on upstairs
>but it'd taken some hits in the Webway even before we rammed it into the ship, so I'm not optimistic about how well it'll fly
>there's nobody inside when I climb up the ladder from the lower decks, we're the only ones to make it back
>the two Marine pilots are dead, surrounded by the bloody bodies of several Wyches
>ah, hell
>don't even like riding in these things, there's no way I can fly it
>step onto the flight deck and draw a pistol on a silhouette hiding in the corner
>it's the Purple Stars serf, the gunner, all bloodied up and pointing a shaking lasgun at me
>say a few words to calm him down, but I haven't got time for a pep talk
>he's gotta suck it up because I sure as hell can't operate this bucket

>>58988965
cont.
>set the Chapter serf in the pilot's seat
>he's got some training with the Thunderhawk, in case the pilots were ever out of commission, which I'd say applies just about now
>he says it's wedged into the Eldar ship's hull
>hop back to the gunnery console
>don't care at this point if the ship gets out in perfect shape or not, because anywhere is better than here
>make sure the autoloader puts a solid shot in the cannon, wouldn't want to blow ourselves up with high explosives
>direct the heavy bolter turrets on manual fire, the shots carve out a little bit of leeway for the Thunderhawk
>fire the main cannon
>the dropship rocks backward, scraping partway out of the mousehole it made in the side of the hull
>tell the serf it's now or never
>he fires the retrothrusters
>the Thunderhawk jolts backwards with what feels like a hard kick to the stomach
>fire the remaining underwing missiles into the side of the Eldar ship as it falls away for good measure
>get my first look at Commorragh out the cockpit glass as the dropship rolls around like a drunk goose
>it's definitely something, even with such a blurry view
>it's every city I've ever seen all in one place, all around us, city lights up and down and every which way
>the main engines fire for about ten seconds of thrust and then burn themselves out
>guess we're a glider now
>nothing left but to trust in Space Marine aerodynamics

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>>58987524
>>58987736

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>>58982643
>>58981661
>be me, Julius, the Sororitas-Slayer
>be fiddling with buttons
>travelling this way is relaxing
>but there's not much to to besides enjoy the view
>suddenly feel this pressure in my head
>Drathor's belt is glowing
>what's happening?
>Walter says "Oh, that's cute, fucking amateur"
>what's cute?
>he starts ranting, doesnt answer me
>WhatsAChadaemon?.confused
>Walter says not to interrupt him while he's weaving sorcery
>suddenly the pressure in my head vanishes and the entire car shakes
>seatbelts.png
>hear the wrenching of metal as a set of horns sprout out of the front of the car
>angry red stripe appears down the centre of the car
>Drathor looks at me accusingly
>WasntMe.gif
>vox-player crackles to life
>stitched together musical lyrics come out
"HEY YOU! - guys - waaaaaaaaaaaaaaant - to - PURGE THEM - blue... - Fethaaaaaas"
>wat
>Drathor looks as confused as I am
>change the station
>hear the car spinning its axles
>don't think the car would be moving even if it was on the ground
>though on that note we do seem to be drifting steadily downwards
>balloon buddy must be getting tired
>seems like we're going to land in decently sized settlement
>it's got one big building in the middle
>has a bunch of brightly lit letters on the front of it
>too bad I can't read

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>>58980761

>Be Jeremiah Stahl, street food vendor
>I sell nutrient paste in Mecha City 1 just off Street #A-2
>It's a simple life, but I take pride in what I do
>Even techpriests gotta eat, y'know?
>Like to think I contribute to keeping this shiny new city running in a small but significant way
>Either way, normal sorta day, nothing special
>Then this fucking auged up murdermachine of a techpriestess floats down from one of the offices across the street
>She seems on edge, gun mechandendrites darting about, clawed fingers twitching
>She storms over to my stall
>Nervously ask what she's having
>Spits out some angry sounding static and says she's here to inspect my establishment
>Thankfully I'm an upstanding citizen of the mechanicus's fine city, and keep everything above board and sanctioned
>She inspects literally fucking everything, even the simple metal cans I store the goop in
>Seriously, she looks at those things three fucking times after concluding that yes, they are in fact cans
>Almost like she's desperate to find something heretical
>I ask her if there's anything wrong
>She screeches binary in my face and takes off the street, knocking over a crowd of enginseers while yelling something about her "needs"
>Truly, the servants of the Omnissiah are a mysterious bunch
>Shrug, and go back to serving a crowd of apprentices their chocolate-flavoured nutri-slurry
>The beeps and pings of happiness I get are what makes this job worthwhile

>>58956885
>Be me, Jy’im
>I’m an Aeldari ranger
>I walk the path of the outcast
>It seems a social outcast as well
>As that fucking bitch Kavi left me and only me to die as the Necron tomb was blowing up around us
>Lucky for me, the little Farseer fucked up and only teleported a chunk of it to the moon
>So I’m still alive
>Which is always nice
>But also, another nice thing is the Colonel
>When stranded and alone, that Mon’Keigh helped me
>He even let me stowaway on the transport that brought them back to the planet proper
>And his mustache
>That...
>Is a very fine mustache sir
>The most fine
>Which is why I have crafted a fine mustache comb from wraithbone and left it where he would find it, along with a note of thanks and a promise to repay him further for his kindness
>Thank you for helping me, XOXO,
>Jy’im

>>58991933
>be Colonel
>wandering around outside while I wait for the show to start and my confusion to begin
>looking out at the city is kind of nice, especially cause there isn't some evil threat making us leg it out as fast as we can
>but other than that wandering lets me clear my head, makes me feel better
>especially when I have to deal with higher ups who hate me
>but wandering around in the city it's nice to see it being rebuilt and seeing all imperial citizens working together
>pull out a pair of old binoculars to have a quick squizz at the surrounds
>hmm city is coming together nicely, but they'll need to work on those slums to make the place far more viable
>seems the ad mech boys have set them selves up creating their own settlement interesting, I just hope I don't have to fight those skitarii things, they're weird
>keep scanning the horizon
>whats that I wonder, zoom in a bit, oh thats odd
>are those those Tau that got into our comms network
>cause thats a fucking big explosion
>I wonder what they're doing, might report it to the Commissar(s) later
>put my binoculars away and keep walking around
>stumble onto a small what looks like comb
>finderskeepers.stache
>oh it's got a note
>ah it's from that Eldar I helped on the moon
>well your welcome, Jy'im
>weird name
>never know might see her again sometime
>anyway time to get back inside

>Be Future Commissar
>Planning for security of this talk show is agonizingly dull
>Have to make sure that nothing really goes wrong since it being a live vox recording on a war planet is usually asking for some sort of assassination to happen
>Its one of those plannings were its mostly just having to fine tune all the small details like how to Ork proof a venatlation system, making sure some eldar fags don't enact some sort of contrived Machiavellian scheme that will bite all of us in the ass, or just making sure some cultists doesn't release daemons and shit
>Want to complain about wasting a few thousand Guardsmen for this but can't really do much about this
>On the bright side, planning for that night time raid on Bricktown is going along nicely
>Still need some inside informers though to ensure success
>Did hear about relatively "normal" citizens who reside in the place, maybe I can remind I can have them provide info on nay weird shit we missed
>After all, the Imperium doesn't technically support earlier retirement, this will be like a job for them
>Sure it involves having to deal with potential chaos infestation but thats the norm for this planet I'm sure they will be fine

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>be me, Palatine Ocean of the Piercing Thorn
>fucking finally
>Cannoness I-need-a-castle-built-by-mythical-mutants managed to pull the bottle of wine out of her throat long enough to approve my proposal
>slut drinks like a fish
>speaking of fish
>that's what my proposal was about
>my Order has a focus on stabilizing terraforming efforts on Imperial worlds
>so we brought an oceanful of fish with us
>unfortunatly the ocean here is overrun with feral tyranids
>since my order fights with only the pure form of the human body, we've had trouble clearing them out
>HardToPunchShitUnderwater.pure
>so I've been stuck in a room with these cunts for FAR to long
>Emperor, I need to punch something
>If I get to choose, it'd be that whore Cosma
>"how come you're so heavily equipped, if you believe in the purity of the human form?"
>uh, obviously because our equipment is an extension of the human form?
>Dumb Bitch
>why do you think the Emperor designed the space marines that way?
>GonnaMakeMePowerFistABitch.smackdown
>Neon hasn't been cool since the 2nd Millenium, you tramp
>anyway with the approval we should be able to get some adaptaions for underwater
>as well as some extra muscle hopefully
>I better not get skimped on because of these other harlots and their stupid plans