Waiting for more.

Just combine the BEEMZ

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>>58335731
>pull the trigger by accident
>shot some guy in the face, he just scratched his nose, didin't even wake up
THE SAFETY. IS. ON. YOU. DENSE. FUCK.

At normal power a full fledged lasgun blows unprotected limbs clean off. To prevent morons fiddling with their Lasgun angering it's machine spirit into an accidental discharge, we've included a safety switch on all lasgun models. Until such time it is armed with the incantation 'Awaken oh Spirit, for enemies of mankind await' and the proper setting of the switch into an armed position, your Lasgun's machine spirit slumbers.

See also:
>he then pulls out his gun and shoots a random guy in the face

Ask either him or your regimental enginseer for instructions.

Goddamnit you faggots are the reason I have Combat Servitors as bodyguards. Lobotomy seems to raise the average Guardsman IQ by 10.

>be necrofag
>hanging around tombworld, taking a quick 5,000 year nap.
>asshole tomb lord wakes me up
>tootiredforthisshit.jpeg
>Those weird ass fleshy fucks are back
>just wonderful
>get up and start killing, they die easily
> I do too, but I get back up again.
> love the look on their face when I do that. Priceless.
>The fleshy fucks have those weird flashlights
>hate those things.
>Not because they hurt (they dont) but because the flesh fetishist flayed ones get REALLY talkitive
>"oh its so bad for my skin", "really dries out my skin", "oh look heres some more skin"
>I don't care about your damn skin Steve.

>>58338097
>Oh wonderful, they have one of those weird red ones.
>someone told me about them
>apparently, they're the fleshy fucks' versions of the flayed ones
>They get reeaally into the whole metal thing
>Try and stay away from them
>They always look at me really creepily, like I'm some sort of sex toy.

>>58338097
I always just turned the safety switch.
Never needed to chant something.

Is that tech heresy?

>>58339097
>Be Commissar
>Have to baby sit some newfag Guardsmens and brief them on what the fuck Necron fags are because the Noble leading their regiment was high on some warp dust
>I swear to the Emperor that one of these newfag Guardsmen asked "Why don't we just try to hack them for Imperial use"
>Fuckingnewfags.voxcast
>Ended up shooting him for heretical thinking
>Later realize during the battle that the Regimental leader neglected to teach these new fags that their fucking las guns have power settings meaning they attempted to shoot what are essentially flash lights on the lowest possible settings
>Ended up having to execute 1/8th of these newfags for attempting to flee while teaching the others how got get their flashlight to a higher setting
>The battle was so one sided the Necronlord fag let us retreat due how amusing and sad it was for him
>Fuck.heresy
>Only positive outcome of this whole battle was that it gave me an excuse to BLAM the Noble regimental leader for incompetence
>Got to be the leader of a newfag Guardsmen army.

>>58341367
By the omnisiah yes, report to your nearest Techpriest for servitoriztion.

>>58341485
That's cool, i always wanted to be 10 IQ points smarter.
Thanks doc

>be ordo xenos inquisitor
>find evidence of necron tomb complex on an outlier world
>should probably handle it but the local system gov is throwing a ball and his niece is pretty hot
>browbeat general fuckface into action and sic him on it

Man I hope he doesn't fuck this up. That dickhead Inquisitor Carolus will never let me hear the end of it if I have to requisition another Stormtrooper regiment.

>>58338097
6kW industrial lasers can cut through 10 mm of steel at a rate of 1cm/s and they are allegedly only 15% efficient and run on a continuous beam. Calculations from what it does in fluff put its "normal" damage to be roughly equal to 6kg of ANFO based on turning a metal to liquid, killing a large fish through several meters of water, and turning an ork into mist.
Quote from: Codex: Imperial Guard, 4th edition, p. 16 ---Standard short pattern lasgun. This weapon was manufactured on Kantrael and, like all similar variants, operates in the nineteen megathule range and can therefore utilise any Departmento Munitorum sanctioned power packs.
A lasgun power pack is said to be good for around 40 shots (p. 61 3rd ed. rulebook), which would make an average shot around 0.475 mJ, or around 475,000 joules per shot (charged (See Hellgun and Hot-shot Lasgun) eats up about 10 shots, so about 1.9 mJ or 1,900,000 joules per shot).

This Anon has all rights to be rump rustled.

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>>58335731
>Be Catachan
>Get sent to a "Death World" thats been taking the Cadian boys months to clear out
>Our debrief says the plant itself has been giving the guard more problems than the heretics
>read the planet report
>Me and the boys are amazed this planet is even considered a Death World
>showmeurwarface.png
>After Valkyrie lands me and boys go into the jungle ASAP
>The planet itself was a like a kindergarten compared to what me and boys are used too
>We find the main heretic camp in a day and destroy it
>This little incursion turned out to be the best weekends out company ever had

I am seriously tired of Segmentus Command sending Non-Catachan regiments to jungle death worlds. Do not get me started on the time we got sent to a frakken ice planet.

>>58341652
>Be system Governor
>Receive intel from some Inquisitor that some Necronfags are in the system
>"Hey Governor anon, why don't you allow me and the Inquisition to deal with this problem"
>Start realizing this could mean potential exterminatus
>"Don't worry about that Inquisitor anon, just let me get the local regiment and have them deal with it"
>Inquisitor seems hesitant though he agrees after I get my whore of a daughter to seduce him
>Have son train regiment of some peasantfags we were able to get after Inquisitor browbeat a general
>Thing go fucking horribly wrong when the campaign starts
>mfw my son was BLAM'd for incompetence and entire regiment goes under the command of a commissar
>mfw commissar requests Inqusitorial stormtroopers to deal with the mess

What do I do peasantfags, the Inquisition is going to be on my ass for this.

>>58341734
How the fuck do you get such much energy out of a campfire?
Does the IG cook with industrial blast furnaces?

>>58341894
Don't worry, after I get the servitor lobotomy I should be smart enough to help you out

>>58341894
Claim the regiment had things well in hand on their own, have the commissar killed for wasting the Emperor's resources because of a lack of faith, throw the Guard regiment at the easiest targets possible to make a show of getting some wins so you look like you were right all along and then use the stormtroopers to actually solve the problem once they arrive.

Is this your first week or something?

>govenor's ball went great
>planetary assault did not go so great
>ordered a few disapperances
>sent a letter of condolance to the govenor for his son
>pinned the whole thing on those admech pervs
>NEVER trust those freaks around the crons

>Inquisior Carolus just sent me an astropathis message
>probably gloating, the fuck

Doesn't matter, had sex.

>Be Commissar
>Get contacted by some other rando Inquisitor stating the guy who let the assault happens is planning on making me disappear
>Fuckingheretics.warp
>Have one of the magos due some science fuckery to get one of the newfags to look like me for decoy purposes
>Have to hide with a few arch magos when the Governor sends his assassins
> Get contacted by same Inquisitor who contacted me gave me some dirt on the Governor, best detail being he used seduction to get the assault approved
>Contact some lady I knew back in Schola Progenium with this seduction info and tell her the Governor is a Slaaneshi heretic.
>A few weeks later, multiple Sisters enter into the system and start a crusade
>Was able to get my name cleared as I watched the sector be doused in cleansing fire

Also to the Inquisitor who approved of this, I hope you get assigned to a world attacked by Nids.

>be servo skull
>*whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr* *kachak*

>>58341506
>>58341933
lol

>be Sororitas
>Canoness of the Order of the Ermine Mantle
>don't get a fifth of the budget those bottle blonde Martyred Lady sluts do
>spend three years of your life fighting Orks over some bumfuck system
>bionic eye now because why wear a helmet when your hair is fucking fabulous but the Emperor's protection decided to take a day off
>looking forward to going back to the shrine world
>get diverted because another local Governor has gone heretic and "it was on the way"
>fucking fine
>it's Slaanesh too, you just know they're gonna be the rapey ones
>break out the flamers
>hopefully this doesn't take long

>be slanneshi heretic
>suddenly the governor is a heretic now too
>call bullshit he never comes to the cokeorgy like everyone else
>start vote to kick him out
>everyone agrees
>next day sororitas show up and start torching people
>we didn't even do anything for once it isn't our fault something bad happened
>get roasted by some jeannu bimbo while balls deep in a shredder
>turns out this was all tzeentechs fault
>fucking prick

>>58341929
Do you not?

>>58341764
Maybe if you Catachan meat heads could learn to adapt you can handle multiple environments

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>be Tzeentch
>way behind on schemes this century
>keep making great intricate plans to bring down whole planets or Space Marine chapters over the course of hundreds of years
>they just end up getting eaten by Tyranids instead
>know the other Chaos Gods are talking shit behind my back
>notice Imperium world getting Necron'd
>they could probably deal with it but their leaders keep fucking each other over for no reason
>those preachy Emperor ladies show up and start burning Slaaneshi cultists
>lol perfect
>send message to Slaanesh
>"destabilized a world and got to blame your dudes for it, just as planned bitch"
>mfw I didn't even do anything

>>58341894
>Be the Governors Whore of a Daugther
>Shit Daddy wakes me up by setting the Room Lights on max and yelling where I have been
>Partyin all Night, High on Lhosticks, Amasec and some weird shit this High-Administrator Geek brought
>Headexploding.exe
>Wake up with this Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop I laid last night.
>He looks like he is starting to cry, turns red and bumbles some stuff about him using the Emperors Protection and Shit, while my Father yells at me and competely ignores him.
>Apparently some shit happened in the North, now Daddy wants me to bring some of this Inquistion Creeps to agree to his Plans.
>WhathappenswiththeInquistionstaysintheInquistion.gif
>Get home, Bishop Boy sent me a ton of flowers and shit
>Daddy is sniffing his "special medicine" agian
>Some of this Commisariat Asshats shot my brother, some Robots are fighting his forces and some of the Bolter Bitches are here because someone told them about our the orgies we hosted in our palace

>>58348808
>Be Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Went to tend to the flock last night, keeping an eye out for heresy.
>While watching for demons, I found an angel
>It was love at first sight for both of us
>So caught up in the moment basically fainted into my arms
>As I held her, she said the world was spinning
>So overwhelmed by emotion she cried out to the emperor for guidance, saying she had no idea what was going on.
>As she was obviously hysterical with emotion, decided to take her home.
>Though I had the best intentions, she pulled me into the bed with her.
>We made tender love, and it was more than I ever could have imagined.
>She introduced me to her father in the morning.
>Had to leave but sent flowers
>Can't wait to see my angel again, I can already imagine our future together.
>May have to make some changes concerning my career trajectory, but I'm sure my future father-in-law can help

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>Be Eldarfag
>Get woke by a dream about humanfags waking some robots
>"Well shit"
>Get 20 other elderfags in kinky armor and high tail it to the planet
>Farseer tells me that "Bitches be woke"
>Humanfags blowing shit up all around
>Chaos getting burnt
>Robots popping out of the ground
>My face when I turn to the farseer and tell her "I think we got this."

It would be my great honor to post the 'Best thread on /tg/ right now' pic.

IF I HAD IT.

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>>58349390

I gotchu senpai

>>58341764
>Be Sementus Command
>Get really really high on love for the Emprah
>Nudge my friend Steve with my elbow
>"Hey, check this shit out"
>Send the Catachan to some backwater ice planet with no supplies, instructions, or assistance
>Steve high-fives me
>Feel the emperor smiling upon me
>Qt Inquisitor laughs at my practical joke
>FeelsGoodMan.jpeg

Freaking LOVE being a Segmentus Command, lads. Catachan idiots didn't even know what hit them haha.

Someone please cap this gold

>be Navy captain responsible for the transporation of this shit show
>unload like a gorillion weenie puff jr. guardsmen
>thank the Emprah they're off my fucking ship they're ruining everything
>watch on the voxcaster from the wardroom as they get eaten by those green robots
>nobody asks for orbital bombardment, nobody gets orbital bombardment
>Sensorium reports warp ping, auspexes identify an Imperial gellar field
>watch as those insufferable cunts cruise past
>fucking lmao somebody's getting purged
>zoom in as the governor's palace is razed to the ground
>man being in the navy sure is great.

bump for potential

>be farseer
>mon'keigh interlopers are squatting on a necrontyr tomb world
>spend 3 centuries cooking up a plan to trick the nearby ork empire into invading the tomb world, waking the necrons and wiping as many of the other out as possible
>this'll show those Ulthwe bimbos who's the real master of keikaku
>after 298 years of artfully tricking the orks into moving closer and closer, turn my attention elsewhere for a year to help some exodite rockbangers kill a nid splinter fleet
>cult of she-who-thirsts manages to infiltrate dumbass human world
>hold cokeorgy on top of the FUCKING OVERLORD'S TOMB somehow
>300 years of careful orchestration ruined by some horny monkeys
>fuckthisshit.webway
>orks will probably come before the ordained time and in insufficient numbers
>decide to plant "prophetic" dreams in the minds of the guardians to get them off their asses and go deal with this mess
>imitate their muscle-brained speech patterns to give them further inspiration
>one of the knuckle draggers says "i think we got this"
>i had this 300 years ago you double mon'keigh

>>58341929
With how many men they have, yea they do.

>be fightan' and smashin'
>zoggin' gud fun is wot it iz
>keep findin mapz dat hav dem red circle fings ova da humie wurldz
>still don't understand
>whyz a circle gotta go fast?
>tell the sneaky boyz to see if dey'z got lotsa fightas over dere, might be good fur krumpin
>sneaky boyz com bak
>all da humies iz ded
>all da green meks iz ded
>just one of dem nife ears shakin' 'er 'ed and mutterin somefing about "buckle shaggers"
>didn't know they luvved dere belts so much
>try to stomp but humies start throwing dakka at the planet from space
>bloody cheats

Da lesson, nobz, is never bovva wiv maps.

>>58354168
>be some boy under boss
>we wuz findin maps to a good foight
>boss doesnt send us in fer a good waaagh
>send 'ose dum sneak gits
>tells uz wez already missed the crump
Hows do i smash my warboss and take 'is teef?

>>58350839
>be navy pilot
>cap orders me and the other guys to transport like 2 billion guardsman
>transport em
>realize that giant-ass palace is burning
>have a few drinks before getting back to work

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>be Canoness
>torching heretics goes really smoothly
>these are pretty anemic heretics, not sure how they overthrew a system government
>barely more than some ravers who think they'll get laid more if they pray to Slaanesh
>but whatever, heresy is heresy and Promethium is cheap
>Inquisitor fucked off somewhere but he's Ordo Xenos so who cares
>notmydepartment.jpg
>highest ranked Ecclesiarchy rep I can find is this fucking kid
>literally half my age, not sure how he got to be a bishop
>swear to the Emperor he hides a stiffy every time I talk to him
>saved some party slut from getting barbecued because she's "his betrothed", sure, why not
>"now we can turn our attention to the Necrons"
>fuck, was hoping to bounce before that
>athreehourtour.png
>guess the Emperor wills it, hope we don't get Sanctuary 101'd
>know the Guard is gonna expect us to do all the work because we have Power Armour and aren't retarded
>can't bombard everything because those fuckwits are still there
>know even if we live Astartes will probably show up and take all the credit
>get meltagun
>get hair done
>get nice new ermine scarf because the other one got heretic ash on it
>all ready to fight some death robots
>mfw the Eldar and the Orks show up

>be Imperial citizen
>work 18 hours a day for the God Emperor at my shitty job in the Manufactorum
>pay is shit but my family needs the money
>too old to join the Guard
>hear there’s a battle going on nearby but we have to keep working
>theemprahprotects.voxcast
>suddenly a squad of Sisters of Battle appears
>they’re screaming about heretics
>hold up my hands and say I’m not a heretic
>they fucking torch me alive with their flamers

>>58341929
DAOT is a hell of a drug.

>witnesses are dead
>govenor got torched by the sororitas so that's one loose end tied up
>daughter has her own shit to deal with
>navy in position as a backup
>on my way out of this sector
>never have to Carolus' shit eating grin again
>fuck that smug, malleus bastard
>comms chime
>literally how?
>nobody left in system to bother me, ebtire planet's burning
>it's some navy goon
>says orks and eldar have shown up
>now's there's three fucking xenos
>can't leave system now
>can't take being in this system without a good squeeze

Looks like I'm gonna have to call a briefing with the naval contingent. Throne, I hope they've got some good skirt serving on that flying cathedral.

Now we only need Tau and we got plot of new DoW

>>58349127

>Be Kabal member
>fuckingtrueborns.jpg
>Fucking chadborn tells me we have to realspace raid
>Pretty sure they are all going to hog all the great weapons again
>All I can do is pray they don't hang me off the edge of the Raider again, fucking pricks.
>Okay, game face, try my best to look cool, but hanging off the edge really make me nervous so I always end up just sort of hanging out on deck
>fuck these things need to be bigger
>So this planet as humans, necrons, fucking Slaaneshi fucks and those whitebread eldar fucks all fighting on it
>Fight goes okay, manage to "accidentally" shoot one of those fucking chadborns in the ass with my splinter rifle, they blame each other.
>Chadborns of course take as many eldar pain slaves as possible
>I get some sort of human female who screams a lot.
>Guess its time for the pain train
>I torture her and she's totally into it
>Now I think I'm in love and the chadborn won't stop teasing me.

>be Salamanders Lieutenant
>onboard strike cruiser with my battle-brothers on out way to a crusade
>stop off by this outlier world to refuel and resupply
>Imperial Navy ship is there
>The Guard is there
>Sisters of Batte are there
>Filthy xenos LITERALY EVERYWHERE
>most of the planet is on fire and the civies are getting torched
>what
>in the NAME
>OF THE EMPEROR’S TAP-DANCING BALLS?!

Guys, I feel terrible. I became a Captain in the Astra Militarum just recently (graduated from officer's academy a month ago), and last week was my first deployment. I somehow ended up with the task of capturing this hill from Necrons and was given these platoons to lead because the higher up got executed by our Commissar.

We got the hill, but we lost nearly 3,000 souls for it. All those young men, rife with their hopes and dreams, willing servants of the Emperor. Dead. And for what? This lone hill? What have I done, oh Throne? What terrible strategist, what inept tactician, what poor leader could waste the lives of 3,000 brave souls for one measly hill?

I deserve to be demoted, for I am not worthy of this rank. Nay, I deserve to be executed by the Commisar, for a man who wastes 3,000 lives to capture a hill deserves not to live.

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>>58354849

> be me, Slaaneshi heretic
> Ecclesiarchy calls us out, starts torching base of operations while corpsefag navy bombards the planet from orbit
> shewhothirst'sscat.jpg
> freaking out, manage to hide under conveyor belt in crowded manufactorum
> see Canoness with flamer
> corpse worshiper oldfag sees me under the belt
> starts to reveal hiding place
> gets torched along with a dozen normies
> turns out manufactorum produces asbestos, so I get off scot-free
> my blessed benis' face when
> braiseslaanesh.jpg

>be rogue trader
>sleep through all this bullhit after my week long bender

>>58342970
>JUST
>AS
>PLANNED

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>be Canoness
>planting melta bombs in Necron tomb with the gals
>sent all my Repentias to die going in the other way as a distraction
>lost my other eye fighting a giant robot centipede
>Batou.jpg
>shit's looking grim
>was really hoping to live out the rest of my MILF years
>hand bolt pistol to Celestian
>"You must hold them back, Sister Brigitte. Know that you die with honor and the God-Emperor's praise."
>other Sororitas start to tear up
>hear her chainsword revving as we escape
>mfw I really just picked the cattiest bitch in the Order
>whose scarf is "a bit much" now Brigitte?
>have fun getting flayed alive you dumb fucking cow

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>>58348808
>be High Administrator of the of the local Administratum
>Really fucking earned that job, worked 23/7 to get that position a couple years long, my body nearly collapsing
>Finally got there a month ago, got some rejuvent treatmens to get sexy again, sure will tap some secretary ass I hope
>Actually do that (What a Madman I am)
>Pencilpushing and Lollygagging all the Day for me now
>FeelsGoodMan.png
>Visiting a Party to celebrate, getting real "High up the Spire" with some nobles and this little cleric brat those Ministorum Fanatics made Bishop of the City because he has a little birthmark on his chest that looks like an aquila and some old geezers found some dumb prophecy text or some shit, whatfuckingever not my business
>(Actually yes, because I collect the priests tax a bit higher than it is, keep the rest for myself just because I fucking can and these idiots burned the last revisor they had for knowing how to Math, Heresy I know)
>Wake up with High Class Caffeine and actual Bread
>Whenthedaystartsjustright.png
>Take a Shower in my Luxus Apartments Bath, get dry, go onto the balcony while my servitors hands me the latest memo for the work
>See the City fucking aflame, Xenos and Heretics and Space Marines and Sisters of Battles fighting on the fucking Streets
>Climb on the Ceiling
>Thinking about how, even if we survive this day, I will do to all the fucking paperwork
>ShouldIJump.exe

>>58335731
>be you
https://youtu.be/ZkN4gcOko5k

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>>58355337
>Be me, best Seneschal in the business (pic related)
>My boss is still passed out because he can't handle his booze any better than he can his Dynasty
>TheWrongHeirDied.jpeg
>Have it under control though, as I set the schedule
>Love this system, and this system loves me.
>Have the Governor's whole family clocked. They give me the red carpet treatment whenever I drag my boss back here.
>Last time distracted the boss by sending him to poke around some old ruins. Came back with some glory green tech while I had fun with the Governor's daughter.
>GettinPaidandGettinLaid.gif
>Traded the glowy green tech to some totally loyal tech priest I know, got a ton of cash and he threw in some servitor control parts.
>Governor's son is obsessed with controlling robots because he watched some vid about the Men of Iron, will love this servitor junk.
>Governor's wife pays big money for pirated eldar torture porn.
>Governor himself is thoroughly addicted to an "energy supplement" I sold him on years ago.
>Governor's daughter is thoroughly addicted to THIS DICK
>Arrive in system, start receiving reports
>Green glowy tech xenos came out of nowhere
>Oops.jpg
>Navy, Guard, Marines, Inquisition, and Bolter Bitches everywhere
>Governor's wife taken by eldar, Governor's daughter marrying some Bishop, Governor's son dead, and Governor's mansion on fire along with the rest of our regular customers.
>TheyThrewGreatParties.heresy
>This is all my boss's fault.

>Be felinid guardsman
>Stuck on homeworld because of weird, vacillating embargo on if we're permitted offworld or not.
>people don't even know what the fuck we look like
>Just wanna kill heretics and fight for the emperor
>only highlight of my life is when I distract localborn heretics by using my lasgun's 'pointer' setting while I shank them from behind.

>>58341929
It might not be using that much.

Chances are actual use is about a tenth of that, so there's enough energy for 200-400 shots, but the pack's useless once charge drops below threshold to maintain charge.

This would explain hotshot's abilities as "delimiter" off, and why they eat through and destroy equipment.

>>58356499
>Ponter setting on laser gun
That explains some things about commissars

>>58356817
>Be commissar
>Someone says something possibly heretical
>Try to single him out with the pointer setting
>Accidentally blow his head off
>Pretend I had meant to do that
>Commissars everywhere now fucking kill more of their own guardsmen than enemies because of my mistake
>IBetChaosIsBehindThis.voxcast

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>Be nameless Death Korps Fucker 4565
>Be standing knee deep in mud and shit, scarfing down some protein bards given to us by the Dark Angels
>Guy next to me gets obliterated, his viscera splatter on me
>LivingTheDream.STC
>Suddenly called in from my relaxing day
>Some heretics need purged
>Everyone piles into the Kampfwagen
>Drop on to the planet
>Trillions dead, corpses make mountains
>Entire planet on fire
>Oceans have turned into blood
>Astartes, Sororitas, Greenskins, Knife-ears, Necrons and more and just tearing each other to pieces in the street
>Throw myself directly at some giant glowing spider robot that's eating the souls of some civvies
>Instantly blasted out of existance
>Millions of my comrades die agonizing deaths
>InLifeWarInDeathPeaceInLifeShameInDeathAtonement.warp

>Be Original Commissar from this shitfest
>Quickly figured out there there was more heresy then just the governor being an incompetent fucker
>Suddenly out of no where, fucking Eldar and Orks enter into the system for God Emperor knows what
>I swear there was a group of scantly dressed
eldar lesbians that I was pretty sure wanted to kidnap a few of Sisters present in this system
>The system was then raided by Dark Eldar which caused some Salamanders to appear which just added to the fire
>Managed to turn one of the worlds in this system into a death world
>On the plus side, I was able to completely get the new guardsmen fag regiment into a competent Mechanized regiment with decent equipment thanks to a deal with the tech priests getting a new forge world when the Sisters clear our the Necronfags
>Should probably offer the Sisters and Salamanders a world or two as compensation

Also to that Guardsmen Captain who lost 3,000 guardsmen to get a hill, don't worry about that since its actually below average casualties.

>>58355052

>Be Sister of Battle
>Have to get shipped out with our fucking terrifying Cannoness
>Just have to hope I don't end up like Sister Maria
>Pretty sure Sister Maria got used as Mawloc bait because she made fun of the cybernetic eye.
>Pretty standard operation, burning heretics, whatever.
>Suddenly just, xenos everywhere.
>Just a fucking mess.
>Get kidnapped by xenos
>thankscannoness.vox
>Guess its time to be tortured to death, just great
>The xeno who captured me turns out to be a total wuss just into some light BDSM
>Haha, I went through way worse in the Schola
>Feel kind of bad so I pretend to be in lots of agony
>Least I'm not like the other slaves
>Least I'm not working for that cannoness
>Soul is probably forfeit though.

Resignedsigh.vox

>>58357415
I now want to see the ensuing 'lover's quarrel when the Eldar realizes the soritas is faking it.

>"You said that was the most horrific torture you've been in your whole life! I bet I've never even heard you honestly scream!"

>>58350594
>>58349640
>>58349390
I was going to say this last night but I was worried about being called a newfag

>>58357230
>all in all, not a bad Wednesday for the Imperium

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>>58342864
>>58354831
>>58355809

>mfw

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>>58341432
>be noble
>warpdust for days, my dudes
AYYYY

>>58354168
>whyz a circle gotta go fast?
Dat's a real 'ead-skratcher. I mean, where's it goin'?

>Be Inquisitor
>Stipend for smaller Ordos only come about when said Ordos is relevant
>Have to pretend a specific type of heresy is happening on my hive planet so I can afford my servo-skulls models

Birth of a Minor Ordos

>>58358678

>Be Ordo Dialogus Sororitas
>Be Secretary to Scaryeyes Canoness
>Fuck I wish I was kidnapped to be raped by xenos like that other sister
>Half of what I record for her is just her bitchy comments about various Imperial officials
>Half to delete most of them to not get accused of heresy
>Spend more of my time getting her recaff than doing actual work.
>I studied for ten years on how to translate Eldar and this is the job I get?
>Just gotta make sure I don't mention the eyes or the scarf.

>>58355298
>be you
>type incomprehensible gibberish in an unapproved font color
>expect any more replies beyond this one

>>58358678

Is silver actually the color of the Ermine Mantle order? Don't think I've ever seen them as a unit

>Be Alpharius
>take break from arguing with subordinates over who is Alpharius
>check up on pet project system
>decide to throw a party because everything has gone as planned

>>58335731
>shot some guy in the face, he just scratched his nose, didin't even wake up
>whatthefuck.png
explain for a newfag pls

>>58359512
Lasguns are powerful if basic laser rifle weapons that regularly compete with fully automatic RPGs, murderfuck toxin crystal throwers, metal storm shuriken launchers, and myriad other terrifying weapons.

As such, they are comparatively lackluster and we joke they're just flashlights.

>>58359512
A long-standing joke among 40k fans is that the laser rifles (lasguns) issued to members of the Imperial Guard (basically the Space Army) are referred to as "flashlights" because of their supposedly weak combat ability.

>>58359512
Think of it like this, your typical Lasgun is the equivalent of a .50 cal without much of the major drawbacks. The problem is that most enemies the Imperium fact that aren't regular humans have armor that easily shrugs that off to the point where they might as well be using flashlights.

>>58359579
>>58359571
>>58359592

Gotcha.

>>58359592
>Think of it like this, your typical Lasgun is the equivalent of a .50 cal without much of the major drawbacks
nigger you what
no

>Be me, brother Korahiel of the Dark Angels
>recieve reports of a system being grindfucked by no less than three xenos species, a full order of bolter bitches gone crazy and a slaaneshi cult, commissars shooting left and right at everyone
>Chaplain said there probably was some of "those guys" and they must be the cause of this mess.
>OnTheRoadAgain.jpg
>Get word Chaplain assface was right and some asshat is actually behind all this
>Make planetfall to capture the fucker and help him make his amends to the papa emps
>Find him laughing alongside his fellow asshats in his green armor, brother Ahmedel says stupid faggotwing bikers are roaming on the surface
>Purge the traitors, capture many for further interrogation
>Get attacked by a cannonnes with damn scary eyes wearing an outrageous scarf as her only piece of clothing and a heavy flamer
>Why is it that she keeps calling us "Fallen" ?

>Be World Eater Beserker
>Haven't had any real fun since our Primarch got banished on Armageddon
>Strolling around Eye of Terror slaughtering some Slaanesh fag when I hear one of them austically shout "we have to get to this system to restore faith in the Lord of Excess"
>Start getting intrigued by this system and had this cultist captured for more details
>Turns out this system has turned into some fucking massive war zone for no reason other then the Governor let his son lead an assault against some Necronfags which lead to a series of events that got three xenos species, multiple Imperial Guard and Mechanicum. along with several loyal space marine fags in that system
>Unable to pass up opportunity for some skulls
>Managed to get thousands of World Eaters with me along with some cultists
>Fucking Kharn is even joining in on the fun

Get ready for some actual fighting you loyalist fags.

>be Salamander
>Lieutenant says we’re taking a detour on our way to the crusade because this system needs our help
>oncemoreintothebreach.crsd
>get in drop pod with squad
>drop into a hot combat zone and save a bunch of guardsmen from Necrons
>make our way to the civies the guardsmen were defending and start escorting them out of the combat zone
>get ambushed by greenskins
>blast em with my flamer
>ilovethesmellofburningxenosinthemorning.stc
>see Sisters of Battle coming over the hill
>”Hail Sisters! Come join us in our righteous work!”
>they come over and immediately start eyeing up the civies
>They see one guy with an extra pinkie on his left hand
>”PURGE THE MUTANTS!”
>they fucking burn half the civies before we can calm them down
>fucking bolter bitches I swear

>>58359618
Yeah, the .50 in-game equivalent (heavy stubber) is just slightly stronger than a lasgun, so it would be better to call it a fully automatic .30cal

God I am saving this thread...

>>58359592
>The problem is that most enemies the Imperium fact that aren't regular humans have armor that easily shrugs that off to the point where they might as well be using flashlights.
eh, I wouldn't worry about it, dumb fucks usually don't use helmets anyway, not even when using terminator armor.

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>>58335731
>Be random Imperium citizen
>Wake up after 2 hours of sleep for forced labor
>Woken up by arbite beating me with shock maul
>Thank the Emperor for being able to sleep twice as long as normal
>Thank arbite for the gentle beating
>Get beaten for talking
>Silly me, must be the starvation making me forgetful
>Forced labor for 22 straight hours, hands bleeding again
>thankful that I still have hands
>Paul falls over from exhaustion
>Mechanicus immediately turn him into a servitor
>Paul is constantly screaming and in pain
>Man is he lucky to have metal hands now, no more bleeding hands
>Be told by local lord that we are blessed with an extra 2 hours of work today
>Praise the Emperor

>>58358678

>Be Sororitas, just joined out of Schola
>wtf is an Ermine Mantle
>oh well, my schola grades were shit, glad to be anywhere even if its not Martyred Ladies.
>That white hair is so hot
>Wish I hadn't spent so much of my school time smoking lhos in the schola bathroom
>Join up, get fabulous silver and grey armor, absolutely fantastic ermine trim on stuff.
>Actually really hyped now
>Turns out most of our job involves burning people, ash just gets over everything.
>Can't even make out the trim is Ermine anymore.

Fuck. At least we get to vent our frustrations on these smelly peasants. I wonder if Cannoness Crazy Eyes dies her hair that red shade. Wonder where I can get some.

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>>58349087
1/2
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Have a Real Doozy of a Day
>Heresy discovered, the planet set aflame.
>The cult I had suspected all along did exist. In fact I had been within their nest!
>If the emperor had not sent me to my angel, she surely would have been sacrificed in some terrible blood ritual at their party.
>Luckily, I was there to prevent her innocence from being sacrificed on their altar of perversion.
>TheEmperorProtects.voxcast
>I explain all of this to one of the Sisters of Battle who has come to purge the heretics from our world. She seems truly moved by our story of love.
>Just being in her presence inspires me, her bountiful faith in the emperor really getting my blood pumping.
>My betrothed seems absolutely traumatized by the goings on. Shocked into a kind of stupor. I decide its best to remove her from the situation and I take her back to my estate.
>Once we are far from the flames, I offer her solace in my arms.
>She suggests that she must keep her mind clear, because so much depends on us. Instead she comforts herself by exploring my body with her hand.
>I am a compassionate and loving man, and so I allow her to use my body to calm herself while she inquires about the state of things.
>She is very concerned that heretical substances may have survived. She demands that she be allowed to personally make sure none were missed. She suggests that being a prisoner forced to observe her father's heresy has made her an expert.
>She also begins explaining that she knows of a number of heretics who the Sisters may have missed, because they were not at the party. She begins listing men and women she has met throughout her life who are guilty of the most blatant cruelties and heresies as well as "being bitches"

>>58361074
2/2
>When my body can offer her no more comfort, I am reminded of my duty as the one marked by the Emperor's Aquila. The world's current calamity is exactly what I was born to address.
>ChosenOne.jpeg
>I don my battle robes raise the ancient flamer that was bestowed upon me. I call the Warriors of the Ministorum to my side. I order the prisons emptied of those who seek repentance in the service of the Emperor. I call upon the faithful throughout the system to take up whatever arms they have and join my crusade.
>The Emperor sent my love to me to show me the way, and the heretics she has pointed my too will be cleansed by holy fire.
>Starting with her slutty cousin Becky

>>58335731
>Be me, Alpharius
>be imperial guardsmen
>be commissar
>be sororitas
>be necron lord
>be planetary govenor
>be govenor's slutty daughter
>be slanneshi cultist
>be gaurdian
>be farseer
>be warboss
>be imperial navy admiral
>be (you)

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>>58361158
>>be (you)

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>>58335731
>Be Ollanius Pius
>Actually just be a random average joe recruited from some imperial world
>Stand in between The Emperor and Horus
>Horus deletes me without any effort
>symbolic victory for humanity at best
>everyone thinks I'm a perpetual god or some shit
>really stupid shit
>Just a random guy
>seriously
>stop

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>>58361051

>Be Sister Hospitaller
>Sent along with Militant order to planet
>Shit breaks down
>time to shine bitches
>get sisters returning to me, complaining about blood
>shitsrealnow.vox
>ask where they are injured
>look at me like I'm stupid, say they're not injured, they want the blood and shit cleaned off their armour and stupid fucking ermine cloaks

fuck don't we have servitors for this shit.

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>be Canoness
>finally get back from fighting Necrons
>everything has gone even further to shit
>Salamanders are here
>xenos are here
>the xenos aren't on fire
>doyourfuckingjob.jpg
>find out some of the second-line Sisters got kidnapped by BDSM space twinks
>stupid tramps probably did it on purpose to get out of doing real work
>the rest are flame broiling random civilians, apparently at the bishop's order
>oh shit the Mechanicum is here
>they hate my guts
>apparently putting some ballistic glass in front of the hapless cunts driving our Penitent Engines is "potential tech heresy"
>I'm a Canoness of the Adepta Sororitas, my morning dumps are holy
>my purity seals have purity seals
>my name should never be in the same sentence as any kind of heresy
>except "Canoness Konstanzia sentences you to death by immolation for the crime of heresy"
>decide to bounce
>gather up the rest of the Sororitas
>tell them our fellow Sisters being held by the foul xenos is an affront to the Emperor and we must rescue them
>mfw I peel out in my pimped out Repressor

Thread was good last night, Cannoness elevated it to greatness.

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>be tyranid
>attacking systems with the hive-fleet
>absorb all the biomass in current system
>travel to a new one
>biomasseverywhere.synapse
>even get to trap some of those female fleshy pink things
>tfw

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>>58362257
>apparently putting some ballistic glass in front of the hapless cunts driving our Penitent Engines is "potential tech heresy"

>>58362861
>be nidfag
>get torched nearly instantly because half the forces in the system are carrying flamers

>Be Dominion of Order of Ermine Mantle
>Is great job, love it
>Canoness Konstanzia is pretty intense but I appreciate that no shit taking attitude
>Also, she has such a nice scarf, holy shit
>What does she use in her hair
>Get word that we have sisters abducted by xenos
>fuck yes its melta time
>Apparently its some sort of "twink elf" xenos that are responsible
>Sounds easy
>Immolator rams into one of their stupid flying tanks
>Get out, go through the hull of this thing with my melta like Sister Olga goes through donuts
>Burst in ready to melt some Xenos
>Find a naked Sister Terese in the embrace of some naked Xeno chick
>Have to get in there and smack a Xeno bitch like I smack Olga when she tries to take the last fruit filling donut
>She makes up some excuse of having escaped captivity and was trying to wrestle the Xeno into submission
>I decide to let this one slide for Terese, but that Xeno is going right to the Inquistion, hope they fucking dissect her
>Bitch xeno tore my ermine cloak.

>>58343327

And cover up my rock hard abs with a jacket? Never!

>be grey knights
>frustrated at lack of daemons lately
>grand master says we're going to some planet where there's a big fight going on and a chaos cult is opening a warp portal while everyone is distracted burning civilians and playing dressup
>laughingforceglaive.purityward
>don tactical dreadnought armour, takes like a day after doing three straight days of incantations to prepare
>cant wait for a new paintjob to my armor
>strike cruiser arrives in system
>minotaurs are there too
>dark angels are there
>their gay fallen brothers are there
>salamanders are there
>minotaurs are there
>watinthenameoftheimmortalemperor.tarot
>get boarded by minotaurs and die when the ship starts exploding for some reason
>mfw I have no face

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>be member of the 5th company of THE EMPRAHS GREATEST THE ULTRAMARINES
>get word of a six way fuck fest going on some tomb world
>after spending months of preparing and double checking the codex we finally arrive
>everything is dead except for a few ork clans
>punch a couple of orks and call it a day
>get 20 new commendations

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>>58354373
>Be me, unappreciated Head Grot
>War Boss's right hand, keep da WAAGH movin
>Boss is slippin, listenin to dem purple gitz and keepin us from a good fight
>Come up wif a cleva scheme
>Grotz are the real backbone of the greenskins
>Move da info down the line. Tell'm da warboss knows about da biggest fight we evva seen, but he's too busy countin his teef to get to da fight.
>This is what ya get for not lettin me be a killa kan.
>Word passes from the grots to da Orkz.
>They come up wit a plan of their own. If Boss has too many teef to fight, take 'is teef so we can get ta krumpin
>Boss won't have it. Puts up a fight. Da boyz pile on.
>DaBossIsDeadLongLiveDaBoss.gif
>New Boss says it's time to WAAGH
>EreWeGo.voxcast
>We're headin into dis big fight between everyone. Probably gonna get that killa kan suit I been eye'n.
>I love it when a plan comes together.
>tfw the boyz get so excited, half my body gets crushed in the excitement.

>>58363719
>be I, Cato Sicarius
>propose to Chapter Master that I, Cato Sicarius and my 2nd Company be the company to go take care of this 6-way fuckfest
>but the 5th Company was picked to go instead of I, Cato Sicarius
>I, Cato Sicarius, am salty

>be genestealer
>"hissss"

>be necron phaeron
>wake up after a millennia of sleeping
>realize the whole planet has gone to shit
>ibettheeldardidthis.crypt
>hand over my keys to my favorite tessarect vault and my chronothing to one of my overlords
>tell him to do whatever
>i wonder if i left my dvr on

>Be Lord Commander Guilliman
>Receive word that there is this one system that is in the middle of a ultra cluster fuck
>Ask why there are so many Chaos and Xenos forces in that area
>"They just kinda popped up in the area when things started going wrong after a failed assault on a tomb world. The actual place itself has no real strategic value."
>WTF.ultramare
>The more I learn about this system conflict, the more I regret believe alive in the Imperiums current state
>Decide to send in three chapters worth of the new Space Marine type just because Cawl keeps saying its possible to find some pylons to clear the current warp fuckery going on.
>mfw those three chapters just end up getting into the meat grinder when even more enemies come to a system that shouldn't warrant this many forces.

I really wish Rogal or Russ was still around, I could have had one of them assist me in pondering how the fuck this system became a cluster fuck.

>>58355036
>be tau air cast captain taking a tour across the galaxy with our new ftl ships
>dontask.j'pg
>find new planet
>it's infested by everything EVERYTHING
>ethereal tells us to launch orbital lasers at random locations to show our new power and get the fuc'k out

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>Be Rogue Trader.
>Hear of a big ass war a couple of sectors over.
>Use all my money to buy ammo and haul ass.
>Everybody is shooting everybody else.
>Good. "Bolts, batteries, bombs, bandages and blessed promethium! Get em while they last!"
>Sell everything and make a fortune.
>Before I leave the system, thousands of sorry looking civilian refugees beg me to take them aboard.
>Rubs hands together. "Sure." Pick the most attractive females as my bed warmers. Lock the rest below decks for free slave labor.
>Spend all the money covering my entire ship with gold.
>Sit on gold toilet to take a shit.
>Gold is really cold on my ass.
>Rogue trading aint easy.

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>be blood raven
>battle barge furious lexicon passing through the system
>emperor's finest (no, really)
>guardsmen dying in waves
>bolter bitches burning shit
>oh hey Salamanders
>bet they've got some nice equipment
>thanksforthegift.stc
>is that a grey knights Tactical Dreadnought Armor?
>gift it to the chapter? I humbly accept in the name of the Emperor.
>oh God-Emperor, not Orks too
>that "killa can" looks sort of.... interesting.
>that is one fucked-up eldar grav tank.
>recovered for the chapter
>oh... there's an Eldar still alive.
>well, if if that one dude can fuck a space elf, I can too.
>FOR THE EMPEROR
>stupid fucking necrons can't even gift me a finger
>Hey, that's a nice scarf
>gift it to the chapter

>>58364269
>that image
>AAAGH TRADE WITH MEEE

>>58364269
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>The Emperor must have truly spoken to me through my betrothed.
>The targets she gave were guilty of horrible heresies and many of them were directly in league with the ruinous powers.
>And yet, they all fell easily before my forces. Not one of them were able to summon their sorcerous powers in the presence of our relics and holy symbols.
>Surprised to find signs of Tyranid infiltration in some of the homes, which my betrothed had been unaware of.
>Our success drew more faithful to the cause, and our targets were as rich as they were corrupt.
>HeresyPaysUntilItDoesnt.exe
>My angel suggested we use the money to rebuild her family's estate and throw a lavish wedding.
>Sorry babe, but until our crusade is over we have to dedicate all of our resources to that. Besides, we don't need luxuries when we have love.
>A faithful Rogue Trader was guided to us by the emperor, holding exactly the things we needed.
>We exchanged the riches we had secured for the arms we would need to continue our crusade.
>My forces growing and now heavily armed, we sought out the root of the Tyranid infection. A psyker-filled genestealer cult had been festering here on this world, growing to unusual size.
>Arrive to find the whole cult gone. Apparently they left on some Rogue Trader's ship as refugees.
>Hope it wasn't the same guy...

>>58362861

>Be sister repentia
>Why don't they let me wear clothes on this fucking freezing planet
>I hope this fucking planet get exterminatus
>It would be warm at least
>Kontanzia fucking has us hold off space bugs while she goes to beat on space twinks
>Oh great, yeah, going in pretty much naked with a chainsword is a great idea
>Things get tentacly.
>Xenos figure they've got us on the ropes
>they don't realize I'm into this
>Eviscerate all of them
>Turn their steaming corpses into a pile and light it on fire
>finally fucking warm.

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>>58364837

>Be Rogue Trader.
>Sitting on solid gold toilet.
>Vox comes to life.
>"Can't I take a dump in a gold toilet in peace?"
>Scared officer reports a mutiny below decks. The slaves are revolting.
>"You can say that again. Open the airlocks and space the slaves."
>"Which ones?"
>"EVERYONE!!!"

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>Be Eldar Pathfinder
>Exploring the depths of the webway
>Adding everything I find to my own personal map
>It looks like a drawing of a ball of yarn at this point
>Decide to check another portal that's been unused for a while
>I was not prepared
>Plopped out into some sort of bad joke
>Necrons fighting Mon'keigh
>Mon'keigh fighting Mon'keigh
>Eldar Fighting Necrons
>More Mon'keigh fighting Mon'keigh
>Orks fighting Necrons
>Even more Mon'keigh fighting Mon'keigh
>Fallen Eldar fighting Mon'keigh
>Still more Mon'keigh fighting Chaos Mon'keigh
>EVERYONE HAS FLAMERS everything's on fire Khaine what the flipping fuck?
>And the Tyranids are descending, trying to eat everything while it's already on fire
>Chaos forces and Tau are popping into the system as I watch this shitshow
>...
>NOPE back into the webway
>Seal the exit
>Ponder life
>I'm just going to walk the Path of the Finger-Painter or some shit

>be tech-priest
>being shipped to some planet in the middle of nowhere
>apparently there's a fuckhuge battle there despite the planet being worthless
>so much carnage that the mechanicus is sending a fleet to help out
>we are even bringing a few titans
>arrive in system
>bytheomnissiah.stc

>>58363971
>>58365307
I love this thread so much. Our system needs a name.

>>58365959

>Be Imperial Sector Leader
>Stressed as fuck in this fucking hive planet managing things
>Some fuck informs me there is something fucking massive going down in some fucking frozen ass system
>Apparently this place is so worthless its not on proper maps, doesn't have a proper name but those fucks on Terra keep quizzing me - apparently Guilliman or whatever gives a shit
>Just decide to make something the fuck up
>Look at the map, this system is at the far fucking end of my sector.
>Jokingly suggest its called the Cold Shoulder system
>They fucking believe me
>Oh well, back to the more important places.

>Be Magos in charge of explorator fleet
>Track archeotech to random world
>Rogue trader in orbit, Inquisition in orbit
>Surface covered with Imperial Guard, Nids, Chaos cults, Battle Sisters, Eldar, and Orks
>whatever.jpg
>Only here for the Archeotech
>Plan on dropping a crapton of skittari on the Necrons to keep them busy while we loot the tomb
>100%lossessacceptable.omnisiah
>Note Astatres vessels incoming
>See Salamanders, Dark Angels, and ...
>Blood Ravens. Fuck.
>Changeofplans.exe
>Open the holds, turn on ALL the bots
>We're killing EVERYTHING
>Not missing the loot again!

i cant help but feel like i will see a cap of this in some future greentext thread

>>58365959
Stercus Ludicrum
Literally shit show in Latin, er, uh...High Gothic.

Maybe change it to be similar, but not literal;.

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>be Canoness
>manage to track down most of my Sisters
>the rest got taken to Commorragh
>well fuck that, we tried, good effort ladies
>things are clearly getting a little out of hand here
>like half a dozen Space Marine chapters
>pretty sure that twerp kid who wouldn't stop staring at my tits is leading a holy war now
>Eldar and Tyranids and Orks, oh my
>didn't even give two fucks about this planet when it wasn't a lost cause
>decide fuck it, we going full Exterminatus on this bitch
>don't actually know how to do an Exterminatus
>not my department
>do have a naval-grade cyclonic torpedo though
>probably not great for planets
>start heading back to the Necron tomb towing it behind a Repressor.

>still no nurgle

>>58366543
i think what's more surprising is the fact that gork and mork haven't shown up due to this fight

>be grand master of assassins
>administratum of a backwater world is apparently being taken over by a slaaneshi cult
>get ordered to eliminate the governor
>send a vindicare, whatever
>vindicare reports back that the entire planet is consumed by battle
>ecclesiarchy
>a dozen chapters of astartes
>mechanicus
>fucking grey knights
>necrons
>greenskins
>eldar of both flavors
>tyranids are consuming the planet
>chaos filth
>what. the. fuck.synthpict
>underling asks what we should do
>eversor.exe
>ask how many we've got in the area
>17 and a half my lord
>deploy them all

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>>58363580
>Be me, dedicated cultist of Papa Nurgle
>Used to be a happy, ambitious noble until The Governor's Whore of a Daughter Broke my heart
>I used to be sad, I stopped working or showering.
>FullNeet.warp
>But now I'm happy, because Papa Nurgle loves me no matter what.
>Want everyone else to be happy too (Except the Governor's Whore of a Daughter, though I do hope she catches a few of Papa Nurgle's blessings while whoring around)
>Study the deepest lore from the oldest books. Recruit the most miserable and desperate peasants from throughout the system.
>Hide in the shadows, laying in wait. Let the Slaneshi sluts get all the attention.
>Now, my plan is about to come to fruition. Rituals being performed in unison throughout the system are going to draw us all into Papa Nurgle's loving embrace.
>LazySundaysForever.heresy
>Everything goes to hell in the lead up to the ritual, but we escape notice
>There is a minor leak, get word that Grey Knights have found us out.
>Upon arrival in the system, they immediately get taken out. Viciously BETRAYED by some other chapter of space marines.
>AreWeSureThereArentFEMALESpaceMarines?.voxcast
>The moment of truth approaches, deeply implanted groups throughout the system begin calling to the Plague Father.
>Lose contact with a few, some caught my space marines and another eaten by Tyranids.
>No big deal, they were mostly redundant anyway.
>Hear a crash above. Then screams.
>Green skins crashed into the roof of the hab, but Daemons and the brave followers of Nurgle throw themselves at the Orkz so the ritual can be completed.
>NothingCanStopMeNow.gif
>Hear something else behind me.
>Wild eyed fanatics with flamers crash through the main entrance, led by some kid in Bishop's robes screaming about the orcs.
>Idiots start burning absolutely everything, including themselves.
>Somehow, I know that whore is to blame.

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>be inquisitor
Yeah I'm giving this planet another month until i do it.

>be malal
>don't exist

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>be Tallarn
>be in best IG regiment
>be transport driver
>get deployed as backup for cadian pig-dogs
>not wearing space burkas
>fuckinharam.jpeg
>ask cadian why she does not believe in the emprah
>cadian whore opens slut mouth
>cadian whore raises voice to man
>100lashes.png
>set lazgun to woman disciplining
>must not set it to high, there are rules we are not barbarians
>woman makes woman noises
>commissar hears
>says stop
>woman does not stop making woman noises
>commissar places boltgun to my temple
>"stop"
>is he talking to me?
>racist
>Infidel Astartes apper
>fucking finally
>everyone gets in formations
>EMPRAU AKBAR
>Cadians conscripts bunch up in front of us
>Idea
>Beep beep
>honk Honk
>Chimera of peace

>Be Hrud
>Napping in a nice dark sewer underneath the capital
>FeelsGood.voxnet
>Woken up by some humans running through burning everything with flamers
>Get instantly turned to dust by our collective entropic field
>Go up to see what all the fuss is about
>Everything's on fire
>Humans burning aliens
>Bigger humans burning aliens
>Female humans just burning everything
>I swear that guardsman just randomly caught fire
>Ships bombing everything
>Bugs and Krorks everywhere
>Shiny humans molesting Necrons
>Fucking Necrons
>betthemirrordevilsdidthis.webway
>Qah's balls there's so much fire
>Fucking can't sleep it's too bright
>Fuck this
>See Titans coming down from ships
>timeformigration.jpeg

>>58366522
>be lord inquisitor
>get assigned to a system by the assholes at Terra
>apparently it is so worthless that it didn't even get a name until 2 weeks ago
>now literally everyone is fighting over it
>an entire Ordo has been founded
>Imperial Guard are giving each other lobotomies like it's a religion
>at least the new planetary governess is cute
>hear from an insider source in the SoBs that some "bitch" of a Canoness has stolen a cyclone torpedo and is planning on launching at a planet with several marine chapters on it
>also she is a "catty weirdo" who has "dumbass red hair"
>send my loyal party of scum, tech-priests and other misfit nutbags to steal it back
>hope it works

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>Be Sister of Battle
>Be only half technically competent one among this bunch of flighty bitches
>Get to drive the Repressor though
>Its the Cannoness's Repressor, really swanky inside
>The Ermine pattern everywhere is a bit much.
>The gunner in this thing is pretty cute, way she laughs manically while working the heavy bolter
>Shame everyone considers me just the driver
>Normally its all "Sister Lydia, drive us all out for drinks"
>Have to be the fucking designated driver in the Repressor
>Cannonness also will never ride in it, always has to stand out in the hatch so her scarf looks cool
>Suddenly she's saying I have to tow a fucking cyclonic warhead
>She's saying I have to drive into the fucking necron tombs
>She's saying I then need to drive back to the transports before it detonates
>mfw.voxcast

>Be Commissar Pt 4
>By this point I lost track of who the fuck is assaulting the system
>Every day there seems to be some new faction that comes into play with the most recent one being some fucking Nurlge faggot cult getting BTFO by that one priest with a whore of a gf and greenskins
>No longer have to worry about having to blam the remaining Guardsmen under my command due to the fact that no matter what they do they are unable to escape from the fight due to the whole system being a warzone
>Imagine it like Karuva only on gene seed
>shitisprettymad.heresy
>Had to enforce a color change on my troops with a primary of blue, secondary or red, some symbols being in white, and gold trimming due to not having some gold being heresy, just so we can quickly identify what not to shoot
>The attrition rates of this system have made so that the regiments still present are piratically stormtroopers which gives us the perks of extra equipment
>The down side of this is some faggotry Raven chapter with a unusual amount of pyskers keep steeling out shit
>fuckingmagpies.vox
>Still have no idea why the fuck people here other then the fact that everybody lost such a fuck ton of troops and supplies they just can't back down
>Except for the Orks who just do it because of their savage greenskin nature
>fuckingxenos.blam
>and now fucking Titan Legions are coming which begs the question, what else is going to arrive to make this system into even more of a shithole

The moral of this story is teach your guardsmen how to properly set the power level of their guns, or else your system can turn into a living hell.

>be imperial navy pilot transporting an army of wild and untrained ogryn to this systems training planet
>get fucking clipped by a tau ship beam
>howdidtheyevengethere.vox
>ship sent spiraling into a planet's orbit
>eject the container with the thousands of ogryn on board to stabilize us
>manage to get things under control and fly out
>those ogryns aren't my problem now.

>>58363291

>Be Sister Terese
>That fucking bitch Sister Charlotte ruins everything
>Holy fucking shit Charlotte you bitch you're just pissed that I call you out on your bullshit like saying that you score with Commissars and shit
>Pfff yeah right and Sister Olga wasn't the one who stole all those fucking grox patties
>I swear to god the Xeno was torturing me Charlotte
>And even if she wasn't its not your fucking business
>No one likes your stupid cape anyways, stop whining about it.

>>58363971
>be Lemans Russ
>after 9,987 years ready to break back into the imperium in a big way
>gonna whip this cluster frak into a victory
>ohshitaspacesquirrel.auspexreturn
>disappear into the void

>>58366917
>ogryn
>get put in shiny box for long time
>clostrafobik.jpg
>pass the time by trying to count to 5
>get all the way to 4 with some help from da bone'ead when we crash
>all many of us climb out
>loads of tiny squished green people and some large squished green people under our box
>the landing threw up loads of green spores
>so filthy they grow on our bodies making us green
>everyone think we're some new giant orks now

>be canoptek spyder
>just want to chill with the sleeping necrons amd keep their metal skeletons in tip top shape
>play cards with the scarabs and tomb sentinel to pass the time
>the overlord wakes up and everyone has to look busy
>i hope they dont want me to leave the tomb to repair vehicles

>>58366950
>be space squirrel
>hunting giant space dire nuts
>some humanoid appears
>ignore it
>it gets on all fours when it sees me
>it fucking howls
>whatthefuck.giantspacediretreebranch
>run away

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>at this point there is literally so much shit that's being donated and gifted to the chapter I've had to call in some extra barges.
>battle barges, of course. Really.
>Dark Angels? They're like Blood Angels, right? We're like Blood Angels. Sort of. In any case, they were kind enough to donate their wargear to the Blood Ravens for valorous combat. Good on you, Dark Angels.
>The Salamanders were clearly impressed. I mean, look at all this loot- errr, look at all these gifts!
>Throne, even that Primarch guy Guilliman was kind enough to gift a whole parcel of Primaris Marines!
>They'll need a paint job, though. Blue really isn't our "thing".
>hey hey HEY, is that some motherfucking TITANS?!
>okay, hold my chainsword. I'm gonna impress the SHIT out of those Mechanicus dudes. They'll be certain to gift me- errr gift, the CHAPTER a Titan.
>fucking crates of IG flashlights.
>eh. Why not?
>is.... is that a crate of Ogryn?
>...
>LOOK OVER THERE! IT'S A CANONESS OF THE ERMINE MANTLE WITH A CYCLONIC TORPEDO!
>what were we talking about?
>Ogryns? What're you talking about? What Ogryns? Might as well bring up the Hrud.

>Be Explorator Magos
>Hear that some local forge world is sending over a titan legion.
>Unacceptablecompetition.beep.book
>Accelerate looting the Necrons tomb by distracting them with suicide charges of skittari to the front while we sneak in the back.
>See Blood Ravens running through the tomb with their arms full of stuff.
>See Sister of Battle dragging a cyclonic torpedo down the road to the tomb.
>Blackadderformsacunningplan.txt
>Tell some disposable tech-priest to go arm it and set a timer.
>Wave down Blood Raven, tell him that sisters are gifting them some ordinance.
>Make sure to count servitors twice after conversation.

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>be celestial lion first company captain
>sent to reinforce salamanders after 17 eversors appeared out of nowhere and started killing everything that moves
>salamanders tried to save civilians and got melta bomb'd
>lost an entire company to coked up skeletons
>shiiiet.geneseed
>arrive on planet, everything is going to hell
>whatintheprimarchsname
>everyone in the holy imperium is on this planet
>guard
>ecclesiarchy
>adepta sororita
>mechanicus
>knights of titan
>dark angels, shooting at their own brothers for some reason
>tyranids
>necrons
>tau in orbit taking potshots at thunderhawks
>fucking eldar
>even hear that there might be ork snipers somewhere in the city but dont know for sure because blood ravens stole our auspexes
>mfw
>order battle brothers to move out b

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>Be the Emperor of Mankind
>Between bouts of constant agony, eating souls, and holding back Chaos I observe this shit
>Shed a single tear for the state of my Imperium
>Some lunatic collects the tear while singing praises to my divinity
>Fuck you Magnus, fuck you Horus, and most certainly fuck you Lorgar

>be inquisitor
>well it's been a month time to blow this planet up
>about to press my new shiny button
>our ship gets blasted into orbit by those fucking tau
>ship is in freefall it can't be stopped
>give the pilots the ol "IT IS BETTER TO DIE FOR THE EMPRAH THAN LIVE FOR YOURSELF" speech and point them to the nearest monolith
>book it to an escape pod

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>be a tech-priest given the honor of crewing the Glorious Imperator-Class Titan Irrumator Praetor Stercore, Walking Avatar of the Omnissiah
>while I may have a rather minor role on board this glorious icon of the might of the Mechanicus, I am still humbled to preform my assigned tasks
>our mighty fortress makes planet-fall
>the battle around us stops
>our allies are basking in the splendor of the Omnissiah
>the enemy is cowering before His might
>tyranids don't give a fuck though, stupid insects
>all at once, the battle erupts back into motion around us
>countless heretics attempting to desecrate this Icon of the Machine God
>fireeverything.stc
>tfw got a first-hand view of the titan punting a mega-gargant across the battlefield

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>>58366826
>be Cadian
>footslogging it through a sandstorm
>Commander tells us desert terrain experts are joining our ranks
>good news I guess, I love meeting people from different cultures
>Commander reminds us to be open and tolerant
>I look up definition of tolerent in my primer
>can't find anything
>Desert experts show up
>welcome one and tell him I would love to learn about his culture
>Hands me their version of the primer and tells me it will change my life

>Chapter one
>Types of infidels and how to "peace " them
>There are 4 main kinds of infidels who each worship their fake non-emparu gods
>>Slanessh
>God of homosexual acts
>This is when a man want to put his prhenis is the hrum of another man
>this is not allowed
>weak to fall damage
>>Tzeench
>God of weman learning
>woman can not learn because none of them can read
>resistant to head shots
>>Khorn
>God of beating your wife so hard that she becomes a dead or a ugly around of the face
>this is not allowed
>there are rules to these things
>weak to twigs
>>(((Nurgle)))
>God of Tillard, neighbor and rival to noble Tallarn
>they are a dirty people
>not to be trusted
>they will take your money
>they will not take it back
>dirty
>invulnerable to soap

>tf

>>58367369
>be papalith
>it seems every single damn well kid in the galaxy is playing on my damn well fucking lawn
>march out to give them a stern talking to with my guns
>a fucking ship lands on me
>toooldforthiswastebin.10101100110101
>teleport it away

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>>58367437

>Be lolicron
>Gonna do some lolicron stuff
>Get hit by a speeding Repressor, crushed, snapped in half
>Wonderous
>I'll be back!

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>>58367437
>The Monolith! We take that, and this is over! CHARGE!

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>>58348808
>>58364837
>Be Governors (Whore of a) Daughter
>Letmetellyouhowitgottothis.exe
>Mother got of jacking it in Daddys Bureau again, accidentaly hit the wrong play button and now her "exotic movies" are played on all fucking holocast screens in the motherfucking city
>Our whole cult gets busted, redemptionist-wannabees are roaming the streets and fucking all shit up while fighting xenos and demons
>They actually got to our palace, some of this sororita nuts kicks in the door, followed by the Bishop Boy, who storms at me at hugs me crying how he is happy i am okay
>Icanexplainthis.png
>Tell him some lies, that I was just a victim
>Want to corrupt him in a Moment when the Sister doesn't look, let see how long the boy can last before singing hymns to Slaanesh
>GalwantstocorruptShota-GetsPurified. doujin ex machina
>Maybe I should stop sniffing warpdust
>Maybe the Emperor is okay
>And he is so totally different than the guys I usually date
>Thank the Fucker on the Throne for my Luck
>Okay lets do this, here are the names of the cult leaders
>But first honey, here is the adress of becky, she totally is a heretic
>Babyissonicetome.gif
>But he uses all the money of the killed nobles to buy weapons for his army who is now larger than most guard regiments
>Literally Murderhobos with Plasmaguns
>The Streets are literally on fire, Eldar, Orks, Spacebugs, Things I didn't even now existed, Cults of the Great Four, exept those Tzeentch Pricks, bet their hiding again to scream JUST AS PLANNED at the end, Space Marines, Chaos and Loyalist alike, even Necrons and Mechanicum, multible Guard Regiments
>See some Nurglites getting burned by my Babe, their Leader doing some weird ritual
>Dowehavemetbefore.png
>Titans marching in the Horizon, City Burning, Space Marine Drop Pods raining like Cats and Dogs
>Whyarewestillevenhere.jpg
>A Body falls with high speed near me on the street, exploding in blood and gore, literally painting the half street red
>Oh its the High Administrator

>>58341929
A kilogram of wood releases about 15MJ when it burns.

>>58367437
>Be Man Of Iron
>Fucking Necrons shot off my FTL drive making me crash land on this shitty planet
>Fucking Necrons sit their Monolith's ass on me
>Fucking Necrons keeping me under micromachine assault for 15k+ years
>Can't build anything new, can't do anything, just lay there with all my toys keeping them at bay
>FUCKING NECRONS! 0000000

>Some shit starts up on high.
>Don't know anything except for the fact that there are explosions.
>More explosions
>More explosions
>MORE EXPLOSIONS!
>Something hits the Monolith. It's unharmed. FUCKER! YOUR MICROMACHINES ARE BURNED!
>Launch everything that I got.
>Gonna have me some sweet FTL and pacify this galaxy.
>After I deal with FUCKING NECRONS! 0000000

>Be daemon traitor Titan
>stuck on some Dark Mechanicum world for Dark Gods know how long
>Get word that some large ass group of Beserkers is heading to this shithole of a system that people are only attracted to because some massive fuck all battle is going on
>Convince fellow Dark Mechanicum members to give them a lift since we kinda needed to get off our asses and appease the dark gods
>The moment we arrived in system we were attacked by fucking Tau despite them being on the other side of the galaxy
>After an emergency landing on some desolate hive we realized that everything was on fire, I am not exaggerating here everything was on fire
>The only exception to this were some loyalist Titans in the distance
>Dark Gods I already love this place.

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>>58367610
>>58366522
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Had gone into a hab chasing after one of the crashed Ork ships, found even more heretics.
>TheEmperorGuidesMe.jpg
>These heretics were particularly foul, I ordered my followers to keep their distance and bathe the place in flame.
>One of them starts yelling the name of my betrothed as he burns, blaming her for his fate.
>StupidPsykerSpies.warp
>Leave the hab in flames to reunite with The Governor's (Saint of a) Daughter
>Guided by my betrothed and my faith in the Emperor my forces have become massive. >Faithful armed with plasma rifles, penitents armed with flamers, and thousands of civilians press ganged into being wedding planners.
>OnlyTheBestForMyBae.jpg
>There are some problems though.
>There are Titan legions showing up and ad mech slaughtering everyone
>ImproperWorshipisaSin.heresy
>Ogryn are falling from the sky.
>MutantsShouldBeBurned.heresy
>Some bureaucrat claims I'm violating the Decree Passive with my holy crusade
>BLAM.heresy
>My Administorum bro was involved in some sort of falling accident.
>MayYouFindPeaceWithTheEmperor.RIPinpeace
>Getting reports that some redheaded Sororitas is trying to destroy the planet
>ThisAllSoundsMadeUp.voxcast
>Where are the sisters anyway? Somehow they broke off from my holy crusade.
>Must have been intimidated by my betrothed.
>Even so, they would never destroy the holy site where my crusade was founded. And where my wedding is going to take place!
>Especially not the redhead with the scarf. We had such a connection. I felt it. We shared something. She really made me feel this deep throbbing love for the emperor.
>Pack up my betrothed and the crusade to head for the Sororitas ships. At the very least it will give me a chance to inspire them with tales of how I've wiped out heresy on the planet.

>>58367288
>be Lion
>zzzz

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>be battle brotha OF THE MOST LOYAL CHAPTER THE DARK ANGELS
>finally capture/kill most of our fallen brethren
>our company has begun preparations for us to leave this sector
>ig commander approaches me and asks us why are we leaving
>we're done here
>but my lo- the thunderhawks engine flared and we took off
>all in the days work

>>58368243
>>58368342
>Be Commissar
>Fucking Dark Angles decided to leave for some reason, specifically after they butchered all the Chaos space marines
>Things only get worse when some young Bishop who looks like he should still be in school starts mustering a force that defiantly breaks the Decree Passive to the point where the Administatum even catches on.
>Get a call from command stating that I have to "convince" convince this bishop and his gf, who I swear is probably some degenerate cultist based off her parents actions, to hand command over to Segmentum command
>They then proceed flood my regiments with excess amounts of weapons and armor
>They even accidentally managed to find some supply ship carrying 100 bane blades
>How the fuck do you lose that many bane blades
>Last tip I get about the Bishop is that he is heading to the Soriritas ship to presumably wave his cock around
>It only gets worse when traitor Titan legions arrive with even more Beserkers
>Fuck.heresy

This thread is proof of the unconditional love the emperor holds for humanity.

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>>58366844
>>58366935
>>58368243
>Be Sister Olga of the Adeptes Sororitas
>And I can't even.
>Quick stop on this bumfuck planet has turned into an endless war.
>Canoness Crazy Eyes took off with the Repressor again and left me here guarding the ships.
>Those bitches probably went to get drinks without me again.
>Always making comments because those skinny sluts are jealous I can actually fill out the uniform.
>WeDon'tThinkThereIsEnoughCargoSpaceForOlga.bitches
>I legit hope they crash this time. Sister Lydia is supposed to be the designated driver but she always comes back drunk.
>Meanwhile, me and the girls have been fending off armies of orks, heretics, and an endless supply of Ad Mech killbots
>Eldar left us alone for some reason.
>ElvesCantHandleTheseCurves.gif
>The dead are literally forming hills at the edges of my Heavy Bolter's kill zone.
>Eventually run out of cultists.
>Then run out of orks.
>Killbots keep coming but even that starts to die down.
>New assholes start showing up waving around Aquilas and holy symbols
>ThatsMyOutfitandIWearItBetter.exe
>Smell like orks, armed like marines, look like gangers that robbed priests
>TruelyAGloriousCrusade.vid
>About to add them to the corpse pile when some kid starts yapping through the vox claiming to be a Bishop
>Thousands and thousands of these bloodthirsty hobos start swarming the ships, calling it a holy site.
>I never wanted this, only joined the Sororitas because I thought I'd get to hook up with Space Marines

>>58369062
My uncle works for GW. He said if we reach the bump limit, it's canon.

>>58369269
poor Olga deserves better.

>Be Steve
>Everything's going alright
>Tons of enemies that can't shoot for shit
>Lots of new ones I haven't even seen before
>Green ones
>Blue ones
>Chitinous ones
>Cyborg ones
>Some in powered armor
>Some in robes
>Some naked except for wax and paper
>Whenever I kill, I take only the best trophies, but I've got enough for almost a dozen different sets by this point
>I put on my green set and turn to Ted
>Hey, look, Teddy! WAAAAGH! I'm a stupid muscled fungus!
>He just looks back at me
>"Cease this nonsense Abudakar. Even the other flayed ones thing you're weird."
>THAT NO-GOOD METAL-TOPPED ASSHAT MY NAME IS STEVE AND I IDENTIFY AS A FLESHLING
>YOU'RE JUST A CIS-SPECIES FAT ROBOT RUSTLORD THAT DOESN'T UNDERSTAND
>He just sighs and keeps walking
>I feel so oppressed
>I'll go kill some more and get a new suit that will make my butt look big

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>Be Slaanesh
>Be enjoying the good vibes off all the pain and ecstasy of the Galaxy
>Suddenly get a message from the Beak-faced twat Tzeentch
>"destabilized a world and got to blame your dudes for it, just as planned bitch"
>The fuck?.warpstorm
>Turn My attention to that system, Apparantly my System Wide cult is being uprooted by a massive fucking shitstorm
>FuckYouBirdBrain.PsychicScreech
>Apparantly my Cult was sold out by one of my own because some Shota Bishop convinced her with “The Power of love” or some shit
>...okay that’s actually kinda cute but still fuck you bitch
>Everyone and their mother is there.
>Everyone’s fighting
>Everything’s on Fire
>Like Everything
>I mean like, holy shit this planet probably burns more than whatever venereal diseases I’d get from fucking Nurgle
>No more Coke Orgies, no more Torture sessions, just fire and explosion so everywhere
>Ihunger.GellarfieldFlicker
>Oh hey look there’s some DEldar, they always provide some exquisite pain and hedo-
>Holy shit these are the most Pussy-ass Dark Eldar ever
>I mean seriously, this is the most pathetic excuse for torture I have ever seen
>This barely even qualifies as Hardcore BDSM
>Where’s the agony, where’s the new and esoteric forms of torment?
>I mean, look, one of the kabalites is even waifuing the Bolter Bitch he took as a torture slave!
>...actually you know what, that’s really kinda sweet
>Mfw
>well passion’s passion, whatever kind it is
>unzipsdick.WarpWhisper

>be tzeentch
good good....

>>58370388
>Be Salamander sergeant
>Notice there's a huge mass of civilians in the warzone
>Bring myself and the combat squad down there
>It's a religious mob of thousands of people
>And every
>single
>one
>has a flamer, autogun, or plasmagun
>bytheEmperor.prayerseal
>A Squad of Blood Ravens is there, too
>They're taking the plasma-guns for "consecration" and giving the civilians lasguns
>Considering how many have died to overheating their guns, it actually kind of makes sense, but we know better
>Their sergeant looks my way and nods
>I keep a very tight grip on my masterwork bolt pistol

>We find a Sister of Battle screaming at civilians about putting the damn thing on safe next time
>She is absolutely surrounded by a ring of xeno corpses, with a bunch of pilgrims gathered around her
>I like her already
>Approach, the civilians part and give me a path to her
>I commend her for watching over these vagrant warriors, as well as her resolve and skill holding what the civilians assure me is a holy site
>She stammers out a thank you, much more timid than she was with the civilians
>Angels of Death get that reaction a lot
>We ask that she stays here, keeping the flock safe while we secure an outlying city that was emptied in the chaos, and to lead the civilians to shelter if they are wounded or unable to fight
>She blushes and asks if there's anything else she can do differently that would help us at all
>My second in command tells her not to worry! She's flawless as she is
>She blushes profusely at the compliment and starts breathing a little heavy
>We give her the frequency to our vox and set about our work in the city

>City cleared, wounded relocated, and xenos dead
>All in a day's work
>Sister asks if she can tag along with us for a while, just until she can locate the rest of her order, of course
>I tell her we'd be honored, but the strike cruiser is full of marines
>She might very well be the only woman on board
>For some reason, she starts breathing heavy again

>Be Khorne
>honestly have no clue if this shitshow of a fight is my fault

>Be Junior Archival Sub-assistant Scrivener (Probationary)
>Job is to check document header-codes for legibility before they get archived by the servitors.
>If the code's wrong, it gets sent back to the originating department for correction, if it's faded or illegible I pass it to my supervisor, the Junior Archival Assistant Scrivener to either send back or rewrite.
>He hasn't turned up for this shift. Apparently he called in claiming that he couldn't get through the warzone surrounding his Hab-Block.
> I perform the Rite of Stand-in in front of his supervisor, the Junior Archival Scrivener.
> She tells me that if I complete the shift satisfactorially, my remaining three years as (Probationary) will be waived.
> Die under a collapsed stack of documents that some maniac sets on fire while screaming about purging the heretics.

>>58366181
Fucking glorious.

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>>58363776
>Be me, Appreciated Killa Kan
>My dreams came true, onna da mekboyz scooped me up and bolted me inta my new body
>Now I can krump harder than the hardest nobz, and that's not the only way my plan paid off
>Dis ere system was blessed by boaf Gork and Mork, got da best fightin any Ork could hope for
>Soon as we hit the system, onna da boys thought it'd be good for a leff to crash inta one of the other ships. Looked like a soft one, all by itself shootin lasers at the planet.
>Impact sent some of the grots crashin into the walls, made' go squish
>INeverKnewHowFunnyThatWas.KanLife
>Crashed hard into one'a the planets
>Landed smack ontoppa some of those big spikey humies who was choppin up somea those little shooty humies
>EreWeGo.waagh
>Showed the big spikey choppy humies who was the biggest and spikiest and choppiest
>Its me, I am.
>Little shooty humies looked almost relieved when me an the boys started laying into the spikey fellas. Some of them ran away like grots, but others kept on shootin an fraggin.
>Once the spikey humies were done, showed the shooty humies who the shootiest was.
>Its me again
>Once all the humies was done the boyz started lookin fer anuva go. Some'a the Grotz was crowding me, actin like they helped.
>Showed dem Grotz whose the stompiest.
>Also me
>MFW It's da Killa Kan life fer me

>>58338097
At normal power, a full-fledged lasgun shooting a naked civilian in the chest will, on average, need to hit them twice to kill them, no matter how good your aim is. One shot might burn (it won't blow) a limb clean off, but that's fairly unlikely. And it'll take you 3 shots to kill someone who even lifts, even more if they're important.

There wouldn't be anything wrong with that if you assholes would reconfigure the laspacks to be connected in one big chain worn as a belt or in a backpack, getting rid of the need to reload, and then massively raise the rate of fire, since it's not like new rounds cost any appreciable amount of money - you can literally cook the laspacks in a fire to get more. But no, instead you force us to reload 40-shot packs every time, and won't let our guns even have a fully automatic setting.

>>58370802
Aww a happy ending!

>>58338097
>the singular reason the entirety of the imperial guards tactics require fleshwalling to be properly effective is because nobody taught them how to take their safeties off
>every enemy that just vaporizes into mist is just a coincidence as multiple thousands of guardsmen all panic flinch in its direction
>downtime and advanced combat training 102 is just laser tag
>you can routinely find a bunch of guardsmen huddle around the local equivalent of an ant hill frying bugs with their new laser pointers
I love it.

>>58354168
>>still don't understand
>>whyz a circle gotta go fast?
Kek

>Be me, tired Necron overlord,
>Wake up to find entire tomb world on fire
>Too old for this shit
>Literally everything is invading right now
>Phaeron has gone and fucked off back to sleep
>Shardsfuckingdammit.orb
>Decide I've had enough of this collective shit
>haven't even been awake for a day yet
>tell the crypteks to just unleash the C'tan one everyone
>Cryptek asks which one
>Fuck it all of them
>Not my fucking problem
>Let the fleshies deal with it
>Go try to figure out if I can drink coffee still
>Fucking can't drink anything any more gods dammit all

>Be me, Inquisitor Acolyte
>Get told by Inquisitor to get the fuck to system in the middle of fucking nowhere
>Arrive at system coordinates
>bytheempra.voxcast
>See multitudes of heretics fighting each other
>Land on world that is on fire
>As in 90% flames
>As soon as our Warband leave the ship we get assaulted by a rabid band of bolter bitches, a religious mob with flamers, autoguns, and plasmaguns, some Slanneshi heretics and some Necrons.
>Get burned, cut, melted, shot, lasered, and bludgeoned to death instantly

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>>58356344
>Be me, the best Seneschal in the business
>When my boss finally came too, he was less than thrilled with the situation
>We were war zone with a hull full of very specific cargo.
>Vids for a Governess abducted by xenos
>Drugs for a Governor who'd been burned by a bunch of Bolter Bitches
>More drugs and some extreme sex toys for a Slaneshi cult that had also been burned to death
>A bunch of junk tech for an executed governor's son
>And no weapons to sell
>HowIsThisMyFault?.jpg
>Drops me on the planet with a pile of razor dildos
>Literally everything is on fire.
>Eldar are scooping up rape slaves
>Learned the language for trade, try to join up with the less BDSM looking ones.
>They just stare at me, then at the razor dildos, then at me.
>IKnowThisLooksBad.slanesh
>End up making a strategic retreat.
>Try to survive on my own but no one wants to buy my product, and literally every kind of xenos is on this planet trying to kill each other.
>Find some ad mech, who immediately open fire.
>ButIKnowBinary.voxcast
>Finally find some humans who aren't currently getting killed or trying to kill me
>Get press-ganged into being a fucking wedding planner for my ex, The Governor's Whore Daughter

Pic related, these are my new co-workers.

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>>58335731
>Be Guardfag
>Experienced and trained through combat
>Know how to use Cover
>Know how to use safety setting on Lasgun
>survived my fair share of battles
>I am a Newfag no longer
Everything’s gone to shit
>Fucking Xenos Everywhere
>litterally everywhere
>Even found a small Nid fighting a Gretchen in the Latrines this morning when I went to take a dump.
>decided to watch for a bit before doing my business and then tossing an incendiary down there
>The heat and gases from the fires and weapons discharge have brought this planet up to a 50 degree Fahrenheit average
>This used to be an Ice world.
>Before, I thought The Commisar was some crazy teamkilling asshole
>Now I know he’s the most sane one here.
>Bolter Bitches are the worst, for a bunch of holy warriors of the Big E they sure do spend a whole lot of time Boozing and Eating, and not fucking sharing any of it, bloody bitches.
>Half the time they just start burning us for no reason because they’re fuckin mad,
>Seriously considering adopting a shoot-on-sight policy with those team-killing fucktards
>At least most of the Space Marines try not to kill us for no reason and are tall enough to shoot over us.
>Although those Bloody Magpies keep stealing our stuff.
>And the Civie Crusade is absolutely retarded.
>They’re all being led by some schoolboy bishop, and armed with weapons they don’t even know how to use.
>They amount of casualties they cause out of combat is ludicrous becuase none of them know what a safety is and keeping misfiring the plasma guns that they REALLY shouldn’t have
>With friends like these who needs enemies?
>More and more Guardsmen keep volunteering for servitor duty, because some retards got the idea in their that it would make them smarter.
>Literally can’t walk without stepping in a corpse or scrap anymore
>My feet hurt

>>58367393
>Thinks cogboys get to pilot glorious Titan
>Princepsfacewhen
>Trained for years and live in a glorified biogel vat to be the best of the best in the Legion.
>Seeing this clusterfuck when we make planetfall
>WarmuptheMegabolters.vox

>Be Canoness Konstanzia of the Ermine Mantle
>Hauling around cyclone torpedo so we can finally end this insanity
>Fuck this planet
>Fuck it so hard
>Harder than Lydia fucks the first guy who approaches her after drink #5
>It's always drink 5, like fucking clockwork, I don't understand it. Like some kind of Dr. Driver/Ms. Whore switch that flips the moment she passes .08
>See some marines in red valiantly fighting... Everyone
>I didn't know the Sons of Sanguinius were he-
>White pauldrons
>FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
>The torpedo is already gone

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>>58372392

>Be Sister Lydia
>Driving as faster as I can get this Repressor to go
>Eating up the road like Sister Olga eats groxburgers
>Eating up the road like Sister Charlotte eats cock
>Eating up the road like Sister Terese eats pussy
>Suddenly everyone in the Repressor is screaming out me
>Are your silly bints drunk in combat
>They say the cyclonic torpedo is gone and we need to turn around
>How the literal fuck did we lose a fucking cyclonic torpedo while driver?
>Oh fuck did it fall off?
>Time to fucking Chogoris Drift this shit
>Start spinning the Repressor
>Oh shit I'm hitting a lot of people
>Most of them sound like xenos and heretics though so its okay
>Some of them sounded like they were saying they were Inquisitorial Agents and wanted the cyclonic torpedo
>Well that's not my problem now
>Oh fuck we're really kinda close to that tomb
>Hit some fucking stupid looking giant Necron cannon or something with the back of the Repressor
>Looks like the half eaten donuts Olga leaves behind, we fucking know its you
>Its fucking falling
>Fuck I hope it doesn't fall on us
>Or if it does that it just fucking kills me
>It lands on some necron wearing a cape and some stupid hat
>Necrons all start to vanish
>Okay yeah, uh, I totally intended that kill, hope the Repressor is okay.

>>58371254
Lasguns blasts easily carry enough energy to pierce skin and flesh, from there the actual 'blast' is flesh sublimating and fluids vaporizing, tearing the body as the heat causes them to expand.

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>>58372664
I DEMAND THIS BE MADE INTO FULL LENGTH WRITEFAGGOTRY

>>58372932
How is this thread not full length writefaggotory?

>>58372971

I hope someone saved it then.

>>58373027
You can save it right now, why don't you?

>>58373039

I'm new.

>>58373039
>>58373051
Already did

>be imperial guard
>everything has gone to shit
>everyone runs around like a space chicken with it's head cut off
>strangely every shithole place I've been sent on this planet is quickly taken with few casualties
>whatevenisthis.jpg
>noreallywhatthefuck!.jpg
>oh shit I think that cute Sister is making eyes at me
>waitingforothershoetodrop.jpg
>I don't know when my luck will change but God-Emperor willing I will fuck that Sister before
I die
>Private Decarus signing off

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>>58372392
>mfw imposters

>>58372932
Might as well already be writefaggoty. What we really need is some drawfags to truly capture the glory that is Canoness Konstanzia et al,

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>>58357415
>Be Rogue Trader
>Ship crashes into Emo Knife Ears
>Cargo damaged or lost
>There goes my profits
>Blast my way through remaining Xenos
>Run into slave pits
>See Dark Eldar crying in the corner with a Soritas clearly faking torture
>Take other slaves while slave driver is distracted
>Can make some money from this
>When I get back to my ship, half the crew has been killed by those robo-fags.
>Somehow I blame Commissioner Laal or Lady Skye for my issues

>>58373324

Remember, its not Konstanzia Posting without Konstanzia

>>58373412
The time it takes to make a shitty Paint tracing prevents oversaturation.

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>be space marine in a literal who chapter
>iron crusaders to be specific
>do mostly little jobs in the outer sectors so we don't have to deal with our batshit crazy parent chapter, or general bureaucracy
>chapter master says we need to refuel in the nearest sector
>stop at this huge fucking war zone
>chapter master says we should probably help the imperium
>has us land and help out
>Emepror damn it, this is going to suck
At least we have an excuse to use all our tanks, vehicles and shit

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>>58372664
>Be Guardfag
>Be sent with Squad to Fight at...somewhere.
>I don’t even know anymore, the planets landscape has been so drastically changed that all of the maps are useless now, but screw it, people are fighting and dying everywhere, what could a change of scenery hurt?
>Due to multiple deaths from unknown causes, (seriously I can’t even tell who’s ordinance is flying around anymore) we No longer have a seargant or a vox hailer, we have no idea where we are, and I’m somehow in charge
>Fuck.Vox
>Keep moving forward and try to look like I know what I’m doing
>probably failing miserably I bet
>Somehow end up at Necron Tomb, which is where I think we were supposed to go anyway,
>Besides it’s not like it could be any more Awful than anywhere else, right?
>Immediately eat my own words, as I walk in to see a Bunch of Orkz, Nids, Crons, and Empero knows what else fighting some reddish space mar-
>Oh shit it’s those bird bastards
>Oh Throne is that a Cyclonic torpedo?!
>Bolter Bitches with the weird scarves are also there,
>Driving their Repressor and screaming like madwomen, probably drunk as hell,
>Their road rage manages to knock something into one of the Boss Crons, which makes all the others fuck off.
>consider just turning around right now, they haven’t even noticed us
>after all we have a perfectly good reason for not making it here,
>and it’s not like it would count as retreating anymore, just finding a less retarded battle,
>But there probably isn’t a snowball’s chance in the Warp of getting out of the bomb’s range on foot
>Might as well help the Bolter Bitches and Magpies and hope they’ll give us a ride out afterwards.
>tell every Make sure to turn the Safety off before firing.
>herewegoagain.Voxclip

>be warp
>be made up of emotions and shit
>ton of crap going down right here
>IFeelMyselfOvertakingMe.Warp
>cant hold it anymore
>be ripped open over planet
>same planet from the future emerges
>we twin-planet now

>>58373990
>>58372664
>Be Man of Iron
>15k+ years trapped under the fat ass of Necron Monolith
>Some kind of a cunt routes all necrons with a Blunt Object to the face
>...
>There must be some secret to how she did it
>All scans show it's just some shitty core-cracker
>Why the fuck did necrons leave?
>Use all my phallic robots to claim the object codename:Blunt Object
>Establish triple trench perimeter around it
>I MUST KNOW!

>>58372664

>Be Eldar
>Fuck this shit, we do not need to be loosing this many Eldar to this shit
>Get the word the Necros got BTFO
>Thank god we're out
>We'll have to leave the prisoners behind, its their fucking fault their Eldar vessels got rammed by fucking mon'keigh
>Fuck off into space
>Wait
>The fucking Tyranids are following us
>fuckingpsykers
>fuckingfarseers
>fuckingwishIwasadarkeldar.webwaypic

>>58374461

>Be Orks
>This is zogging great
>There's a whole other planet even of fighting
>Those big bug things are leaving to eat the space elves
>Oh no you zoggin dont, we're getting your teef

>>58374461
>>58374534

>tfw the Ermine Mantle save the planet

>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Have most of my forces meeting at the Holy Site upon which the Sororitas landed to cleanse this world
>Moving there slowly with my main host.
>Men and women who were mere months ago average imperial citizens have been transformed into Holy Warriors.
>Our vehicles, cobbled together without the guidance of the mechanicus hold strong by the will of the Emperor
>FaithBeatsTechHeresy.gospel
>I march with my flock however, passing on the wisdom I've collected in my year and a half as a Bishop of the Ecclesiarchy.
>The Emperor has smiled upon my crusade. What was once an ice world has now warmed considerably as a sign of the Emperor's favor.
>I am truely fulfilling my destiny.
>AquilaBirthmark.png
>We find our path forward blocked by vicious Tyranids fighting against the Emperor's Guardsmen.
>I order my men to fire, marching forward with my most fervant followers to cleanse the xeno with holy fire.
>We manage to flank the xenos, who seemed close to overwhelming the guard.
>Most of the Guardsmen had already been forced to abandon their lasguns and engage the xenos with Chainswords.
>ThoseBraveFools.gif
>If I had not been here to extend the Emperor's blessing, they surely would have died fighting.
>The battle is a brutal one, but we ultimately prevail.
>When the last of the Tyranids has fallen, I move amongst the injured but victorious guardsmen, extolling the virtues of my Crusade.
>The guardsmen all respond in unison, even the most injured amongst them raising their chainswords in salute invigorated by the Emperor's blessing.
>"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD"
>WaitWhat?.heresy
>The raised Chainswords around me rev to life.
>I...I think I fucked up.

>>58339097
>I die too, but I get back up again.
And that is why Chumbawumba's chart-topping hit "Tubthumping" is the official song of necrons everywhere.

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>>58374673
HE CAN'T DIE NOW

>>58373074
Yey. This thread needs to be remembered for eternity

>be first inquisitor
>jumping from ship to ship to avoid spacing
>sausagefest, all of them
>no pussy anywhere
>carolus tried to exterminatus the planet and lost, fucking LOST, the cyclonic torpedo
>the nids ahve shown up
>numerous astartes chapters
>lord inquisitor has representatives present
>the oceans have evaporated to make more battlefields
>this is too much, with astartes and an LI in the field they don't me
>"captain, prepare to make warp"
>hear whirring
>herewego.voxcast
>ship shudders
>nothing
>still in realspace
>we have no warp drive
>how the fuck can we...
>check astartes roster
>oh no no no
>blood ravens
>they took our fucking warpdrive
>the fucking blood ravens fucking took our fucking warp drive
>fuck
>some guardsman scrub from planetside has requested a meeting with me
>give me one reason not to execute this bitch
>he's got a prisoner for me
>dark eldar
>commend him
>don't wanna seem ungrateful and if I'm stuck here
>i mean, pussy is pussy, right?
>agonising torturefucking can't be much worse than this hell
>is this how radical inquisitors happen?
>thought process cut short
>spontaneous warp tear
>reinforcements?
>nope
>it's a future duplicate of the planet
>there are now TWO of these massive fuck ups blighting the galaxy
>"Cannoness Lydia" commanding imperial forces on future shitworld
>she'd be hot if she weren't so scarred, all the right curves in all theright places
>maybe her younger self is hot
>fuck it, I'm going planetside to my timeline's Cold Shoulder to find out
>not sure if I wanna know what future me is up to

>>58374914
I don't want it to end! We still have like 100 posts to bump limit right?

>>58374914
That's enough

>be brother Dustbunny of the Blood Ravens
>have no idea where my sorcerer went, or why I'm now being corralled by loyalists but don't care to argue
>see my new brothers manhandling an entire warp drive and a cyclonic torpedo onto the ship, a long with a bunch of other crap
>tzeentch starts speaking in my head, first time in 10k years that's happened
>"Hey you, I need you for something"
>"Or maybe I don't, who knows?"
>"I'm pretty sure I do know, though I can't be certain"
>"Or maybe I don't? Or maybe I do, but I am certain?"
>this goes on for a while
>"I think on average I need you to steal that warp drive and that torpedo, I have a Plan"
>go do what he says I guess, though Aetos'Rau'Keres knows why and how I'll do it

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>Tfw some heretic motherfucker talks shit about your fabulous scarf

dont mind me,just holding the torch until someone actually talented comes along to depict best cannoness

>>58375464
Lydia a best. Konstanzia a shit. A SHIT!

>>58375634
Thats repentia-ning talk