o shit its live

I was just about to go to bed, damnit.

Aw yis. Shoggy, lets rock and roll.

>>58286435
Yeessssz yesssss dick is hard enough to penetrate terminator armor!

>>58286435
Welcome back!

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>slow night at work
>shoggy post
thank papa

OH shit, first time I caught it AS it's starting.

>>58286485

aw yiss motherfucker

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>>58286435
Fuck Yes!

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Hey. You've used mash gifs a few times, so I'm assuming that you are some sort of fan.

Well, David Ogden Stiers just died. Just thought I'd let you know.

>>58286515
>David Ogden Stiers
F

>caught one just as it goes live
yee BOI

>>58286435
Catched it alive. Praise be!

>>58286515
F

>>58286515

Shit literally happened 2 hours or so ago, damn

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>>58286435
>And now for the thrilling final conclusion of The Return Of Bane Johns

Fair warning guys, this is just a 12ish poster, and it's going to be slow since I'm still struggling to get the last five or so into actual readable shape.

I do not recommend this thread as a primary activity tonight unless you've got a blue-ball fetish.

>>58286598
Watching The Punisher, not a problem

>>58286598

you make my balls so blue

wont you make their dreams come true

>>58286598
Take your time. We can wait.

>>58286515
F

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>>58286598

>>58286598
modding the shit out of fallout 4 on my shitty laptop, go ahead dude take as long as you can

>>58286598
Eh, need to sleep anyway, I'll read before work tonight

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>>58286515
Awww shit, I preferred Burns overall, but Charles Emerson Winchester III had some great moments...

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And now the thrilling conclusion.

>>58286598
Fuck you shoggy we love any amount of love you are willing to post. For shoggy story time is always best time.

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>>58286435

So no shit, there we were, standing just across the street from a grief-stricken psychically-superpowered (self-proclaimed) secret agent. A man who'd killed at least two Inquisitors, single-handedly blown up an entire warp-ship, tackled an Ork Freeboota with nothing more than a pocket-knife, and had just spent the last hour shooting up the planet's Arbite HQ FOR FUN. A man who may or may not have been a daemonhost, and was shacked up with quite possibly the most dangerous woman we'd ever met, until she'd been killed. By us. Very, very thoroughly.

We decided it was time to start running.

The plan was still to kill Bane of course, it was just that we didn't particularly feel like doing it RIGHT NOW. We felt like we deserved a few hours off to grab a bite, get some light medical treatment, and maybe catch a quick nap; the universe felt otherwise. As we piled our way into the stairwell Bane's dramatic moment was cut short by the arrival of a squad of Arbite float-bikes (two of which spontaneously collided mid-air), and a very one-sided gunfight started moving straight towards us.

Still though, we could think of a dozen places we'd rather duke it out with Bane than the middle of a packed highway covered with burning sewage (and directly underneath a MASSIVE pile of explosives), so we started sprinting up the stairs anyway. We pushed our way past a few confused emergency services types, including a pair hauling a broken-legged maintenance worker, up to the level that led to the garage where we'd parked. At this point Tink did some quick math, called a halt, and informed the rest of us that it was time to ditch our more unreliable assets before they became a liability.

A dozen levels below us, Bane Johns kicked the last of the Arbites through the maintenance door, and entered the stairwell at about the same time as 37 assorted grenades reached his level.

So, after last weeks Grey Knight reference, I got to thinking....

>Kaldor Draigo vs BANE JOHNS
>Cage Match of the eon

>>58286676
Burns was just awful , Charles was a character

>>58286718
>A dozen levels below us, Bane Johns kicked the last of the Arbites through the maintenance door, and entered the stairwell at about the same time as 37 assorted grenades reached his level.

beautiful

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>>58286515
Thread theme for tonight: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlkxcC79LA8

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>A dozen levels below us, Bane Johns kicked the last of the Arbites through the maintenance door, and entered the stairwell at about the same time as 37 assorted grenades reached his level.

>>58286718
Smart. Probably should have tossed the plasma gun too, but I imagine that's a line Tink will never cross.

>>58286718
First the consolation bouquets to Angelica and now a Sorry card/grenade pile to Bane. I never knew Twitch was such a charitable soul.

That is some nice timing for the grenades

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Nice.
Sorry I didn't throw an edited chapter at ya, Shoggy.
Slipped my mind.

My money is on the group gets caught between Bane Johns and Traffic Warden Dread before the night is done. Any takers?

>>58286818
Yep. It'll be over the shuttle Bane crashed, rather then all the dead fellow Arbites

>>58286818
Yeah don't even joke like that.....i got 40$ on that though. Seeing as dread has the same probability powers or being a perpetual.

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>>58286435
Just want to let you know that I have been hooked on this show for as long as I can remember. You are the absolute best.

>>58286818
Oh, that's tough. I'll come down on Dredd surviving at least, dude's too Lawful Angry to die.

>>58286818
I thought that was the plan all along

>>58286832
Probably. Illegal parking of a stolen Arbites shuttle in a government interhive fast lane has to carry a hefty fine.

Throwing this out there because I won't get another chance. I expected Sciscitat to recruit Dread, who woudo then give a critical piece of mission Intel moments before slapping the entire Inquisition team with a fine for Running A Covert Operation Without Filing For A Permit or something.

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>>58286818

>>58286435
Oh shit it barely started. Oh well, if the pace is slow I'll read it tomorrow, fucking timezones.
Anyway, thank you for this shoggy, my magnificent dude!

>>58286896
>Bane to the left of me, Dreadd to the right.
>Here I am, stuck in the middle with you guys.

Finally caught it live! Love your work Shoggy, you’re an Emperor-given gift to us

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>>58286435
A live one! After all this time! Fuck yes!

Pic unrelated.

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>>58286718
>and entered the stairwell at about the same time as 37 assorted grenades reached his level.

upon which his psyker bullshit transformed them into 37 grenade pins

how does he get away?

HE CANT KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT

>>58287008
I think thats the plan to kill him. Its all psyker powers, so if he's forced to keep using them, then he will eventually fail a "roll" and earn a Peril of the Warp.

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>>58286718

The vast majority of the grenades either overshot, undershot, failed to detonate, or somehow bounced out the door past Bane, but judging by the swearing and faint "mawp"-ing sounds, at least one of the flashes must've hit the target. Not that being blinded stopped the man from opening fire, and somehow managing to hit the back of Doc's helmet, a tank of fire suppressant on one of the first responders' backs, and the crippled maintenance guy. Twice. Twitch hastily moved his explosives-filled pack around to his front side, and led the retreat down the foam-filled hallway (until Nubby passed him).

Nubby found the exit into the parking garage blocked by even more emergency service guys and a fire-truck. Time being of the essence, rather than ask nicely, the little trooper bellowed at them to make a hole, kicked two in the shins, and left the rest to Ivana and Sarge, who scattered the stragglers like bowling pins. As he passed, Twitch tossed his pack to a particularly nervous looking fireman and instructed him to "RUN, FOR THE LOVE OF THE EMPEROR, START RUNNING!" The guy took one look in the bag, started screaming, and did.

Our trusty cargo truck wasn't parked far away. Most of us piled in and started swapping gear and doing field repairs, both on our kit and ourselves, as fast as possible. Tink, looking around and taking in the number of explodable vehicles filling the garage, decided that this was just about the second worst place to fight Bane, and got in the driver's seat instead. Those of us in the rear were abruptly thrown to the floor, then the wall, and then the other wall, as Tink attempted to "drift" the six-wheeler down the garage's exit ramps before Bane finished whatever the hell he was doing to those poor fire guys.

>>58286435

"lit"

>>58287042
Yeah but knowing him he's still going to get something positive out of it. Like, he could totally just turn into a Daemon Prince and I wouldn't be surprised at all. At the worst, he'll probably get dragged into the warp, where he can bang Slaaneshi whores all day for millenia.

I'm eagerly awaiting traffic cop of doom

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>>58287048

>>58287114
If Bane's a daemon host... can a daemon even roll perils of the warp?

>>58287048
>mawp

>>58287143
Daemons and anything with the From Beyond trait can't Perils in DH. Of course, if Bane is likely just being his broken as shit self, so in theory this should work. No telling if his luck effects Bad Stuff tables though...

>>58287048
I'm curious, if a parking garrage is #2 what would the #1 worst place to fight Bane be?

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>>58287048
>judging by the swearing and faint "mawp"-ing sounds
Earballs!

>>58287143
I figured the "Deamonhost" rumors were just because no one could understand his powers and they just made assumptions

>>58287221
Probably where ever they end up fighting him.

I almost feel bad for taking a post but- fuck year Shoggy!

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>>58287221
OB, obviously.

>>58287221
Probably the place they just left with the "MASSIVE pile of explosives" directly over it. Bane could easily make a missed shot hit an explosive and cause debris to miraculously kill our our heroes while leaving Bane himself unscathed.

>>58287143
They can and are affected. At least in later versions where the psy system isn't a bunch of d10s.

>>58286515
Clearly the Atlantis expedition mistook him for a Replicator.

>>58287281
OH shit yeah, probably suffer a total geller field failure at somepoint. That is if the OB wasn't trying to kill bane as much as it does everybody else.

>>58287281
Nah OB would be a great place to fight Bane. There's tons of dangerous shit Bane would have to burn warp powers on and with all the warp taint on the ship it'd make it much more likely for Bane to have his powers go haywire. Meanwhile our dudes know all the secrets of the ship and would be much more likely to successfully lead Bane on a chase.

>>58287048
I love this sequence, so many great things to pick from.
>the swearing and faint "mawp"-ing sounds
>The guy took one look in the bag, started screaming, and did
>Tink drifting

>>58287286
That could happen, but based on how his powers work, they've upgraded themselves to Main Antagonists in his eyes, I think. That means they're more likely to end up in a climactic final showdown thing and not just be wiped out in a single boom like most of the mooks he burns through.

I thought it was pretty obvious that Bane was a Daemonhost, though?

I mean, his luck aura has always beeen bullshit, but he was pulling blatant supernatural batman bullshit when the Party met him at the Vault, which is way beyond the Super Lucky Agent Bullshit he was pulling off when they last encountered him.

Also this is my first time catching All Guardsman Party and I'm super hyped to be involved. Love you Shoggy!

How is Bane Johns handled mechanically? Crits are hits and hits are misses?

>>58287337
>which is way beyond the Super Lucky Agent Bullshit he was pulling off when they last encountered him.
I think that has more to do with him having a "handler" to direct him in the form of the now very burnt ex boss then being full Daemonhost.

>>58287325
If Bane were on the OB I'd be genuinely concerned he'd get tainted or corrupted then you'd have an INSANE vapid secret agent with no sense of right or wrong on your hands.

>>58287374
So, Bane Johns

>>58287338
misses are hits, hits are crits, and crits are perils of the warp targeted at a selected party member?

>>58287384
Worse. Bane as he is now is a party animal who thinks on some level he's in an 80s action/spy flick and the universe just plays along with it. Bane on Chaos would be the above, played by The Joker.

>>58287384
Nah, Bane genuinely believes that he is acting for the greater good. He's just dumb, horny, and alcoholic, which makes him easy to manipulate.

>>58287338
Not to get sidetracked, but the gist of it is he's shaving numbers of the rolls of anyone near him and adding them to his own. There are limits of course, but that's the core mechanic we twigged to back when we did the first mission with him. I'm sure you can see why we wanted absolutely nothing to do with that.

And with that I have to go be a responsable adult for the rest of the evening. Thanks a million for the story time Shoggy, it's giving me something to look forward to come the dawn.

http://www.youtubemultiplier.com/5a9378480c9f4-all-guardsmen-party-revised.php
reposting from the other day

>>58287442
Holy fuck that's a nuts power

>>58287442
that is fucking sadistic. I love it.

>>58287325
>Nah OB would be a great place to fight Bane.

>there will never be a daemoni-servi-knarlo-titan-lucky-psyker

>>58287442
Jesus Christ how did you beat him last time ?

>>58287491
They didn't. The survived him.

They beat him via untouchable

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>>58287048

As we hit street, shedding the last of our explosives (and very nearly Doc) behind us, Tink took a second to congratulate himself on his genius and floored it. He then yelped and attempted to floor it even harder as a burst of static arced along his hands, the radio spontaneously played a 7-note sting, and the frickin firetruck burst through the parking garage's walls four levels above us. Bane, hanging out the door and driving one handed, grinned madly at us as he opened fire.

Fortunately his aim was a bit off: instead of pancaking us, the firetruck came down in the opposite lane, smashing directly into an oncoming truck and setting both off in a disproportionately large, purple-tinged fireball. His bullets were a bit wide of the mark too, or at least that's what we thought until two of our tires exploded. Tink swore and tried to maintain control, but only managed to hold for a few seconds before Bane, having somehow been propelled OVER us by the blast, took out both our front tires as well. There were a confusing and bumpy few seconds for those of us in the back as the Techie narrowly managed to avoid sending us over a looming drop all the way to underhive, somehow skewed us between a pair of oncoming busses, and finally plowed our sturdy vehicle through the side of one the buildings lining the road.

Having unanimously decided it was time to get off Mr. Tink's wild ride, we disembarked and found ourselves in some sort of warehouse. Twitch hastily inspected the markings on the nearest crates for any warning stickers, didn't notice anything more sinister than "Munitorum-Grade Taco Substitute, Substitute", and declared the warehouse as non-hazardous as we'd get. Sarge gave the order to take up defensive positions.

Two minutes of tense waiting later, Tink made a "get on with it" gesture at Sarge, who just glared back. Ivana sighed, rolled her eyes, and announced that "Not Even Bane Johns Could Stop Us Now". The skylight above her exploded inwards.

>>58287500
How did they survive then ?

>>58287491
Both times they "defeated" Bane (as in temporarily captured him) they had the assistance of an untouchable.

>>58287520
We chickened out. We were supposed to fight him after he killed the Ork Freeboota and all that, but we were just like "Yeah, no, let's see if he'll just forgive us for the whole 'beating the shit out of him and firing him at an enemy base like a torpedo' thing."

The GM grudgingly allowed this, since it sort of fit in character, but I'm sure you can see that he was a tad reluctant to just throw out his lovingly crafted boss mob.

>>58287509
He's such a fucking Diva.

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>>58287509
>"Not Even Bane Johns Could Stop Us Now".

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>>58287509
>Ivana sighed, rolled her eyes, and announced that "Not Even Bane Johns Could Stop Us Now".

>>58287509
>Having unanimously decided it was time to get off Mr. Tink's wild ride, we disembarked and found ourselves in some sort of warehouse

Anyone want to bet this is the secret warehouse that all the bitch interrogator's stuff is in?

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>>58287509
>Mr. Tink's wild ride

>>58287596
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

Ahem....
>Probably

>>58287603

But we all know...

>>"THE RIDE NEVER ENDS"

>>58287588
She's an NPC, it's the DM being evil

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>>58287509

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>>58287509
>Munitorum-Grade Taco Substitute, Substitute

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>>58287509
It begins.

>>58287717
It's the PC's being genre savvy and using her to trigger the action. He wasn't going to burst in until someone said something appropriately dramatic.

>>58287683
With that restaurant name I had to use it.

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>>58287509

As Bane landed, we noticed the bastard wasn't quite looking his usual unruffled self. Back when we first came up with the whole distraction plan there'd been a bit of debate over who to sic Bane on. We wound up deciding that, given how much trouble a certain member of theirs had given us, the Arbites owed us a favor, and man did the boys in black deliver. While the bastard was still upright and looked suavely self-confident as ever, he'd collected a dozen minor scrapes and bruises, and from the look of things some (probably deceased) hero of an Arbite had popped him square in the eye with a shock-maul. Even more importantly though, the man was breathing heavily, and as he'd dropped down into the warehouse (without a rope or grav-chute) a distinctly warpy breeze had come with him. Just this once, we took that as a good sign.

Upon landing right in front of Sarge and Ivana, Bane launched into this whole spiel about how he didn't know who we were, or what we wanted, but he had a very particular set of skills, and so on... We all just stood there, listening to him monologue like a bunch of idiots, until Twitch abruptly snapped out of it and opened fire. The rest of us immediately shook whatever it was off and followed suit, pouring five lasguns' and one bolter's worth of fire after the man as dodged backwards behind a row of crates. None of the shots hit, of course, but we hadn't really expected them to, at least not yet. That killing part would come later, for now it was all about keeping up the pressure, which is why Sarge and Ivana pushed forwards after him, while the rest of us moved around the flanks to cut him off.

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>>58287509
>Not Even Bane Johns Could Stop Us Now

>>58287840
Fight theme:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXZlbioMoyc

>>58287281
In the turret FULL OF BEES

>>58287840
>five lasguns
Hopefully the ones Tink already rolled the bad luck out of back at the range.

>>58287840
Advancing on him, that's one idea, lets see how it plays out.

>>58287840
Wait, is Arbite Dredd dead?

>>58287919
>Hopefully the ones Tink already rolled the bad luck out of back at the range.

i still dont get how you can un-bad luckify a lasgun

>>58287923
justice never dies

>>58287919
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXZlbioMoyc

I was skeptical before the hit.

I'm sorry for for ever doubting, you goddamn hero.

>>58287923
>>58287936
>Wait, is Arbite Dredd dead?
It's been pointed out he himself has a power where he can't die unless you observe it

>>58287919
I thought he was just working out tricks to minimize the chance of jams and failures?

>>58287936
Incense prayers and holy oil massage happy ending for the old grumpy machine spirits?

>>58287936
Just keep shooting until you roll two Nat 1's (Or whatever the critfail in the system is) in a row. The odds of getting a third critfail in a row are so astronomically high that they're due nothing but crits for a while. (Yeah, I know that's not how dice work, but superstitious bullshit might be enough to counter Bane's warpy probability magic.)

>>58287944
I reckon the best part's the violins (cellos?) that build the tension.

>>58287968
>Just keep shooting until you roll two Nat 1's (Or whatever the critfail in the system is) in a row. The odds of getting a third critfail in a row are so astronomically high that they're due nothing but crits for a while

that'sbullshitbutibelieve.jpg

Can Ivanna DISTRACTION AMAZON him!?

>>58287936
>i still dont get how you can un-bad luckify a lasgun
You gather, say, a thousand lasguns.

Fire a magazine with each of them. Some will have something go wrong statistically. Throw those out.

Now do it with two magazine, three magazines, etc. Each round you discard some guns.

In the end you'll get the most reliable group of lasguns.

The theory doesn't work with the mechanics unless the GM was kind to the players.

But my theory is that since Bane's power involves luck modification, using luck-based logic against it might be effective in an absurd fashion.

>>58287772
How in the fuck did they get a few dozen dogs to stand still for a picture?

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>>58287968
It's not superstition if its been extensively tested and observed by countless TTRPG players for decades.
Then it's indisputable fact.
Unless, of course, your dice are trying to kill you.
And they always are.

>>58288003
Glued their feet in place?

>>58288009
The first D20 I ever held, I found rattling around the hallway at my high school between classes. It's literally, not figuratively, literally never gone above ten on my death saving throws, and never rolls below a 15 whenever I loan it out. I'm pretty sure I'm getting Smeagoled by a little red piece of plastic.

>>58287995
What i'm pretty sure he was doing was just mall-ninjaing/tuning the guns to get the best performance out of them

>>58288146
That gives Bane a lot of credit in the intelligence department, whereas whatever his warpiness actually is, got him where he is without an int requirement.

>>58288146
What if he found such statistically bad guns by luck probability they actually work better from babes bs aura?

>>58288146
Doubt it. Our boys have access to hellguns and better. There's a reason they're only using basic lasguns here.

>>58288159
That might actually be it. Tink was specifically most interested in the shittiest lasguns around if I remember correctly.

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>>58287995
>using luck-based logic against it might be effective
>in an absurd fashion
we da orkz now

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>>58288155
Not Bane, Tink (or was it Twitch?) who was minmaxing their guns to deal with Bane

>>58288159
Honestly I suspect the plan is to do this full guardsmen style and just bury him in so many dice something is bound to hit. Just like TT

>>58288194
ah, in that case Tink's best option would have been the 'waste some ammo' method previously mentioned.

>>58288185
>Tink was specifically most interested in the shittiest lasguns around if I remember correctly.
Not shitty, "the oldest, most used lasguns", i.e. the ones that hadn't broken despite being used for a long time.

>>58288194
Or he went with corvus corax method of WALL OF GUNS. Like a literal wall made of guns.

>>58288308
As opposed to the Dornite Bridge of Bodies

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>>58287840

The theory was simple: wear the bastard out. If this stupid "Danger Zone" of his really worked by skewing probability (or "stealing our numbers", as Twitch put it), then we were betting it took a lot more psychic juice to flip a 90-10 than a 50-50. Our goal was to put as much fire on him, as accurately as possible, and do it without leaving any handy options for his bullshit powers to work on. That last bit was where Tink's little secret weapon project came in.

At the end of his extensive testing Tink had handed each of us what had to be the oldest, wellest-used lasguns any of us had ever seen. They were completely unmodified, none of them matched, and we had no idea what pattern any of them were. We strongly suspected that they were all older than the Hive we were standing on, maybe even pre-Heresy, but it was hard to be sure since the serial numbers had been worn away ages ago (except for Sarge's, which still faintly read "-rge of Mars, SN: 000-000-000-000-007"). Still, despite all appearances, Tink assured us they were the most reliable weapons on the planet, with only a single minor misfire between them in over two weeks of relentless test-firing. Twitch had immediately claimed the one that HAD misfired, asserting that the rest of ours were just ticking time-bombs, while Ivana had firmly refused to part with her customized Godwyn-De'az Bolter, claiming she'd had it for longer than she remembered. Tink wisely decided not to press her.

Of course, these "new" weapons didn't pack the same punch as our hotshots (or the shiny new plasma gun Tink had fired all of eight times before unceremoniously tossing out the truck's window), but the point was: when you pulled the trigger, a laser ALWAYS came out. Combine that with a lack of ricochets for Bane to pull his bullshit with, and it was all we could really ask for. Well, not really, but it was certainly all we were gonna GET.

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>>58288192

> "-rge of Mars, SN: 000-000-000-000-007")

That was probably one of the first prototype models ever made, back during the age of strife

God, my sides shoggy, have mercy

>>58288336
>-rge of Mars, SN: 000-000-000-000-007
Well shit...

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He's going with the tried and true Imperial Guard strategy, "That's a cute 2+ Invuln save, now make it fifty more times"

>>58288336
For the record, these little aside posts you do when milking the tension for all it's worth is one of my favorite things about your writing style.

>"-rge of Mars, SN: 000-000-000-000-007"

I think that not even the Emperor's armor is as venerable or reliable as that thing. Christ, that thing predates geological epochs.

>>58288362
>>58288364
Guys, wake the fuck up!

It's 007!

>000-000-000-000-007
So it's the James Bond of lasguns?

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>>58288336
>(except for Sarge's, which still faintly read "-rge of Mars, SN: 000-000-000-000-007")

where the fuck did they even get that

You think a bunch of tech priests would put anything that old in a temple on mars

>>58288336
That gun is a relic on par with the sharpest of any primarch's sword.

Also if the cogboys find out he has it, sarge is going to get eviscerated

God, is this what gets them in trouble? After everything else they've done, it all fucking pales in comparison to mistreating such an ancient and venerable object

Why do I get a feeling that Sarge's lasgun secretly has an extra 3d10 damage attached to it or something?

Because come on. A lasgun can't be that old and still functional without a serious machine spirit inhabiting it.

>>58288435
Do you think that gun killed any men of iron?

>>58288499
That gun probably ended the war.

>>58288507

That gun *started* the war

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlZ4PPTNqLc
Celebratory music for the death of Bane Johns, conveniently played by a group of street performers nearby.

>>58288507 >>58288519

Why not both? It wouldn't surprise me if that gun fired the first AND last shots of the war.

Its machine spirit is probably grumbling about how it misses the good old days and how fucked up everything's gotten.

It's perfect for Sarge, is what I'm saying.

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>>58288347
>mfw shoggy replies to my post

>>58288380
this

>>58288435
>>58288499
This sounds like the /k/ greentext where the moisin whispers to its new owner, telling him of its past and that he must go west to kill the germans. I would read the story of a blessed lasrifle passed down through the ages.

Do we know what happened to the lasgun of ollanius pius?

>>58288526
I feel like you're taunting Murphy, even though this already happened.

tfw Sarge is Pious reborn and his rifle has returned to him at last.>>58288555

>>58288519
While humans may not be Da Orkz, their belief still does shape reality.
A lasgun this old is probably packing enough psychic oomph from millennia of propaganda and guardsmen keeping their weapons close to decommission a Greater Daemon.

>>58288571
Lord Inquisitor Saint Greg?

>>58288553
>I would read the story of a blessed lasrifle passed down through the ages.
You're giving me story ideas.

>>58288571
Pious' soul was destroyed by Horus.

>>58288606
Didn't they rewrite him into being a perpetual?

>>58288336

Rather than let Sarge and Ivana bum-rush him, Bane came around Doc and Nubby's side of the of the crates in a dive. The man was firing both his fancy little auto-pistols (not the specially inaccurate ones Tink had given him) on full auto, and somehow managed to simultaneously knock out a control line on one of Nubby's augmetic legs and hit Doc in both the shoulder and helmet, all before even hitting the ground. The pair's return fire missed wildly as Nubby's leg spazzed out and sent him plowing into the medic. Tink and Twitch, firing down the row, did considerably better though, forcing Bane into another acrobatic dive, this time "enhanced" by blast of howling wind which sent Doc and Nubby the rest of the way to the ground as he launched over them. Rounding the corner, Sarge and Ivana both took potshots at the magical flying Interrogator, and then sprinted after him as he passed behind a stack of boxes.

Sarge was still sprinting when he reached Bane's row, which turned out to be a mistake. The noncom threw himself into a dive, but misjudged his aim and plowed straight into a large shelving unit, catching four autopistol bullets and a small (but surprisingly heavy), crate to the groin in the bargain. Behind him, Ivana rounded the corner a bit more carefully, and stitched a line of bolt-rounds after Bane as he ran UP the same shelving stack. As admittedly cool as this maneuver was, it also took the man up into Tink and Twitch's line of fire, and the universe went slightly runny around the edges as the pair lined up their shots. For a brief second the warehouse was replaced by a screaming SOMETHING, with Bane hovering in the middle of it cackling, then Tink's weapon misfired. Twitch's didn't, and Bane dropped back down off the shelves with a girly little yelp as a lasbolt grazed his the thigh.

>>58288620

Doesn't make him any less Chaos-Obliterated

>>58288606
Fuckn heretic he's a perpetual they never stay dead.

>>58288620
A perpetual still need their soul intact to come back.

>>58288629

So, was that four autopistol bullets *and* a crate hitting his groin, or four autopistol bullets him in general and a crate hitting him in the groin?

Speaking of which, is there an augmetic dong?

>>58288658
Cain has augmetic fingers.
Cyberdongs are not out of the question.

>>58288629
>and Bane dropped back down off the shelves with a girly little yelp as a lasbolt grazed his the thigh.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNr0WXQ3Ho4

>>58288629
....nonononononono demonsetberknarlacdemonnid back for inconceivable revenge!!!!

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>>58288629
>image

>>58288658
This is Sarge we're talking about. That crate's going to spend a month in the hospital and then start writing the man love letters.

>>58288629
>the universe went slightly runny around the edges as the pair lined up their shots. For a brief second the warehouse was replaced by a screaming SOMETHING, with Bane hovering in the middle of it cackling, then Tink's weapon misfired. Twitch's didn't, and Bane dropped back down off the shelves with a girly little yelp as a lasbolt grazed his the thigh.

That's either really good or the baddest anythings ever been.

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>>58288705
>beefy noncom strength

>>58288767
Stupid sexy Sarge

>>58288705
all guardsmen come equipped with standardized Balls of Steel, sarge, as a non-com, comes with balls of ceramite

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>>58288658
Bullets: 2 body, 1 arm, 1 leg

Crate: groin

(Crate was a straight -1 fatigue, and if you've been watching closely, you'll note Sarge already went into criticals on chest and took fatigue BEFORE this started, his decision to go and try tanking again was somewhat suspect)

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>>58288810
>sarge is near death

>>58288810
whelp

>>58288885
DOC!

>>58288810
That's not good

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>>58288885
>>58288900
>>58289012

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>>58289119
That's what they say when they're about to throw us between the enemy and them.

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>>58289169

>>58289169
They never said who the Emperor is protecting.

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>>58289188
I didn't say I wasn't gonna do it, Commissar.
Just a pattern I've noticed.

>>58288596
You can have multiple characters carry the rifle, and all explain its properties in different ways. An early guardsman that sees it as a his "lucky seven" in a world before the emperor was seen as a god, an admech that sees it as an especially benevolent machine spirit, an inquisitorial agent that sees it as the blessing of the emperor himself, etc.

Well at least something good's happening today.

>>58289228
Do not worry, anon.
You are among friends.

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>>58288308
I have a present for you, pic related

What if we made a cube of guns.
Is like wall, but covers ALL sides.

>>58289251
Even the inside?

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>>58289251
Got you covered, senpai.

>>58289278
Of course.
Cube is a solid, yes?
Fill insides with guns too.

>>58289219
Hmm.
Start out issued to a trooper in the golden age, end up in the hands of refugees during the early age of strife, later on have it used by a proto-PDF against an Astartes invasion, end up in the imperial army during the crusade, fighting CSM during the heresy...

>ends up in the hands of a guardsman in M42, Guilliman notices and goes "hey wait a sec I know that rifle"

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>>58289251
AVE NEX ALEA
SALUTO NEX ALEA
AVE NEX ALEA

>>58289251
>>58289290
AVE CUBUM NECIS

>>58289296

And *that*'s how Sarge became Saint Inquisitor Greg

>>58289290
Saluto Nex Alea brother.

>>58289290
>>58289304
>>58289317
Good to see other /k/ cross posters.

>>58288192
Twitch was right all along. Everything is orkz.

>>58289290
ALL HAIL

Come back Shoggy we need updates!

>>58289348

I've heard of lore where apparently an Imperium ship either manages to leave the galaxy, or receive signals from outside the galaxy.

And all they heard was Orks.

... Not the slightest clue if it's true, unfortunately.

>>58288629

If this is what you meant by blue-balls shoggy, as in, not telling us you're leaving, you're a fucking ass

>>58289418
Don't bully the shog.

>>58289399
You feel that...?
Those are the blue balls he warned us about.

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>>58289418
Even if he had to ditch, which I doubt, he owes us nothing, and we owe him a hell of a lot for all this writing.

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>>58289418
> being this butt blasted

>>58289453
That's true but it doesn't affect my point!

>>58289453
In Cards against Humanity, that's a joke. On the Occurance Border, that's not even noteworthy among the tribespeople.

>>58289348
>That Scene in the Gambling Tournament Chase/clusterfuck where Tink realizes maybe it was they who were the Orkz all along
All that’s left now is to embrace it.

>>58289502
I mean Twitch, Fuck.

>>58289418
Shoggy did say the last few were a clusterfuck and would need extra time to proof

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>>58288885

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Shoggy's writing.
Trust me, I'm a doctor.

>>58289211
> that image

here is the improved version
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=15&v=m3p_VuPIS2c

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>>58288629

Bane didn't hit the ground, not because he'd started flying again, but because Ivana caught him by the front of the tux and pinned him upside-down against the wall. The big woman grinned ear to ear as she shoved her bolter into his chest and pulled the trigger, only to pause and stare down in confusion as nothing happened. Even half-blinded with pain, Sarge could see what was coming next, and tried to shout a warning as, apparently forgetting years of guard training, she pulled the trigger again. The blast as first one bolt round, then the other, and then the entire rest of the magazine went off blew Ivana backwards through the opposite wall of crates, while somehow leaving Bane standing upright, wiping burning specks of propellant off his lapels.

We didn't leave the smug bastard time gloat. Sarge rolled the rest the way to his feet and opened fire, only to swear as the warehouse was filled with daemonic whispers and HIS weapon jammed too. Operating on an only slightly better instinct than Ivana had been, the noncom hucked his ancient, supposedly unjamable, jammed weapon at Bane's face. He missed, of course, and Doc came around the corner just in time to catch four kilos of rapidly spinning metal to the nose. Fortunately, it didn't go off, and Bane was too busy laughing to even register Sarge's fist before it hit himin the gut.

Nubby, lagging considerably behind Doc, paused at the spot where Ivana had come to a rest, and since the medic was busy, promoted himself to Doctor Nubbs. He decided that, in his professional opinion, the patient needed thirty something-somethings of Slaught cut with Stimm, and maybe just a little Frenzon. You know, to take the edge off.

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>>58289658

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>>58289658
>Sarge fist fighting Bane
>Ivana on combat stimms

OH BOY HERE WE GO

>>58289658

Hope this doesn't end like Cutter's last stand.

>>58289658
>Nubby, lagging considerably behind Doc, paused at the spot where Ivana had come to a rest, and since the medic was busy, promoted himself to Doctor Nubbs. He decided that, in his professional opinion, the patient needed thirty something-somethings of Slaught cut with Stimm, and maybe just a little Frenzon. You know, to take the edge off.


THIS IS ONE OF THE SCARIEST THINGS I'VE READ ALL NIGHT

I'm so scared for Sarge right now holy shit

>>58289658
Dr Nubby is best doctor

..... wasn't custer's last stand being a small-ish group of united states cavalry being ambushed by a swarm of Native Americans or something? I mean, even in that sense Custer was objectively the bad guy in that moment so shouldn't we be hoping it does go that way since of the two groups the AGP are more like the native americans rather than the USA troops there?

>>58289747
Cutter, not Custer.

>>58289712
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfaa0Sjczik

Replace Blue with Cutter

>>58289754
yeah, misread the name.

>>58289747
>>58289754
>>58289760
We don't want that either, no. So, Slaaneshi or Tzeentchean for Bane Johns's "patron"?

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>>58289658
>thirty something-somethings of Slaught cut with Stimm, and maybe just a little Frenzon.

You absolute fucking madman.
I approve. Emperor bless you Shoggy, glad to have you back.

>>58289785
I've got ten thrones on Tzeentch.
That or he's not actually a demonhost and everyone just assumed it.

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>>58289658
>maybe just a little Frenzon
oh good, the stuff they pump fucking Eversor assassins full of.

>>58289785
Just going to bring up that given the mention of "our defense council" have me operating under the assumption they all, save perhaps Ivana who I've sorta got written off as expendable in my head, somehow survive this. 'course I may be proven wrong shortly.

>>58289658

>thirty something-somethings of Slaught cut with Stimm, and maybe just a little Frenzon. You know, to take the edge off.

Ah, yes, the oshitpleasekillitnow special

>>58289785

Dunno. Slaanesh would approve of the copious amounts of hedonism, but probability manipulation is totally in Tzeentch's wheelhouse.

>>58289845
>>58289785
Remember that planet the AGP went to under command of The Rupert? there's no reason it can't be both. which is not helping.

>>58289845
>>58289785
It's not like Tzeentch and Slaanesh are diametrically opposed. They could both be in his corner.

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>>58289747
>Injuns
>good guys.

>>58289785
That's a stupid question its obviously... uh... Huh.

Whats the name of that stupid laughing elf god, again?

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>>58289658
PURGE HIM PURGE THE WITCH

>>58289872

Ceogorach. Who would enjoy the comedy that is Bane John's life.

>>58289894
I'm sure he's enjoying the Guardsmen's life as well. This is his dream crossover event. Whoever wins... he laughs.

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>>58289658
>thirty something-somethings of Slaught cut with Stimm, and maybe just a little Frenzon.
When in doubt, go Full Cutter.

>>58289658
OH NO!
Oh yes!

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>>58289747

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>>58289658
>paused at the spot where Ivana had come to a rest
>Doctor Nubbs
>the patient needed thirty something-somethings of Slaught cut with Stimm, and maybe just a little Frenzon
>You know, to take the edge off
'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO

is it bad that i think an amazon ripping and tearing is kinda hot?

>>58289844
>thirty something-somethings of Slaught cut with Stimm, and maybe just a little Frenzon. You know, to take the edge off.

Bone-hurting juice. Limited to other people's bones.

>>58289983
.... Yeah, I dropped the ball there.

>>58288185>>58288248

Most resilient and independent machine spirits. He's looking for machines with enough of a soul to resist.

>>58290030
Tink will become an honorary tech priest yet. Well, provided he lives that long.

>>58290018
When we're all this excited it's understandable.

>>58289314
He IS the most Sargent sergeant to ever sergeant.

>>58289995
You are among friends, anon

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>>58289658
>the patient needed thirty something-somethings of Slaught cut with Stimm, and maybe just a little Frenzon

1 serving of cutter's cocktail, coming right the fuck up!

>(except for Sarge's, which still faintly read "-rge of Mars, SN: 000-000-000-000-007")
........ I think Sarge's gun is the Sarge of Mars.

the dream is for this to still be here in the morning

>>58290249
The cut off word is probably Forge.

How much more does Shoggy have to go before we finally bring The AGP to a finish?

>>58290250
It'll be in archive sites.

>>58290249
Pretty sure its "Forge" of Mars.

>>58290270
This is second to last chapter.
This one and one more.

>>58290268
>>58290272
thatsthejoke.jpeg

>>58290268
>>58290272
Autism has become an epidemic.

>>58290272
>>58290287

I thought it was the purge of mars.

>>58290272
Eh, I'll be honest, this and If the Emperor Had a Text to Speech Device (and it's podcast sub series) are the sum of my exposure to Warhammer 40k.... which I feel like I should get around to fixing.

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>>58290270
>>58290282
please say it isn't so Shoggy

>>58290287
Not a very good one, then.

Finally fucking made it to one!

>>58290282
Then the board has that long to live. I'm waiting until Shoggy finishes then I'm letting everything loose to make the board more miserable than it already is. Maybe finally drive people off and give the board a few years of being a complete shithole before we start over fresh.

>>58290030
These lasguns are strong independent lasguns that don't need no techpriest.

>>58290303

Eh don't worry, at the current rate that's still over a damn year.

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>>58290414
>at least another year of AGP

>>58290312
As if one anon could shitpost that much

It took an entire Russian Troll Farm to ruin /pol/

>>58290426
>Implying /pol/ was ever not ruined

>>58290441
Wasnt /pol/ a containment board formed from the flaming wreckage of an actual news board?

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>>58289658

Twitch and Tink entered the row to find Sarge in the middle of what might be described as a Kung-Fu battle. One that Sarge, despite being stronger, faster, and undoubtedly meaner, was definitely losing. Tink, confident in his ability to fire into melee, announced it was time to even the odds, and shot Sarge in the arm. Twitch suggested he not try that again and started moving closer.

Sarge, who was starting to really feel the broken ribs and blood loss, and was getting really tired of the little voice that kept promising him untold power in exchange for a small price, decided that enough was enough. As the bastard wound up for another of his stupidly effective chop-things, the noncom rushed into the blow and pulled his combat knife. He was very surprised when halfway through his attack everything went wobbly and suddenly the knife wasn't in his hand anymore. Sarge paused, perplexed, and tried to figure out where it had gone. It wasn't in his right hand, where it was supposed to be, and his left hand appeared to be missing entirely, which seemed a vaguely worrying. He directed his gaze downward, and was relieved to find the missing blade was merely lodged in his chest, he hadn't lost it after all. Secure in the knowledge that the Commissar wouldn't be angry at him for misplacing his wargear, the noncom decided it was time to sit down and take a quick nap. As he nodded off, he vaguely wondered if all the blood around him was his, and if he would be yelled at for making a mess.

On both sides of the row, Doc, Twitch, and Tink watched as Sarge staggered backwards and collapsed, and a rain of blood started falling from the warehouse's roof. All three of them looked up into the storm, then back down to where Bane was standing over Sarge, and opened fire.

>>58290481
They say that actual newsboard was the containment board for an actual political discussion board, all the way back to the dawn of Moot

>>58290488
SAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGE NOOOOOOOO

>>58290488
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK

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>>58290488

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>>58290488
SARGE NO

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>>58286598
>I do not recommend this thread as a primary activity tonight unless you've got a blue-ball fetish.
>while delivering more AGP
have you forgotten who you're writing to Shoggy?

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>>58290488

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>>58290488
SARGE

SARGE NO

DON'T GO TO SLEEP SARGE

DON'T FUCKING DIE ON ME

GET UP

GET UP

>>58290488
> On both sides of the row, Doc, Twitch, and Tink watched as Sarge staggered backwards and collapsed, and a rain of blood started falling from the warehouse's roof.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*breath*
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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>>58290488

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>>58290488

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>>58290488

>>58290492
Isn't /tg/ just containment for 40k memes?

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>>58290488
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

>>58290563
/tg/ is the equivalent of sailing to America to start a new life except instead of Europe you're leaving a swath of furry-related destruction behind you. That's how it started anyway.

>>58290563
It was, yes.
A lot of the boards were containment for various things. /vp/ was containment for pokemon, /m/ for mecha, /mlp/ and /trash/... well, I'm sure you know.

>>58290488
A true guardsman.

>>58290426
I've got three words for you: Stat Me General

>>58290488
Sarge? SARGE! SAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!

>>58290488
>and was getting really tired of the little voice that kept promising him untold power in exchange for a small price

Was it Khorne?

>>58290531

Spooky Poker Room:
"I don't remember how good the Jack is, but I know those four Ones must be pretty good."

HEROES NEVER DIE.

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>>58290488
Say it ain't so Shoggy. How loudly was your GM cackling during this?

>>58289417
Nah,tyranids.

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QUIT YOUR LOLLYGAGGING SARGE!

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>>58290488
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

>>58290563
you weren't on /b/ in 2007, were you?

Ah, say it ain't so. Doc can fix an emergency ward's worth of damage on a single man, right?

>>58290488
Sarge you do NOT deserve to die to this fuckwit!

The Deamonids would have been a good death.
The Necrons and Chaos Marines are both good deaths.
This James Bond Motherfucker is not a worthy death!

That said, it looks like Bane is starting to crack. KILL HIM!

>>58286912
>before slapping the entire Inquisition team with a fine for Running A Covert Operation Without Filing For A Permit or something.

Fucking kek

>>58290488
Does this mean that Captain Nubby is finally going to become reality?

>>58290685
Not if Doc and Twitch have anything to say about it.

>>58290685
No. Even if Sarge does croak the rest of the team won't let that happen. But Sarge ain't gonna Croak that easily.

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>>58290685
>sarge dead
>nubby loots rosette when nobody is looking
>inquisitor nubby
>mfw

>>58290629
I 4channed ages ago. Then I left for quite some time. Then I came back for OC on /tg/ from the likes of 2D and Shoggy, and the odd decent /qst/, despite the fact that I'm sick and tired of clicking on storefronts and buses.

>>58290740
I'm barely on this site and I'm already there with you.
Makes me realize why you fucks post so slowly.

>>58290728
The inquisition would later hear tell of Inquisitor Nubby's massive and rather heretical stash of artifacts. They requisition an entire marines chapter to hunt him down...only to find out A) The artifacts were just various valubles looted from a hive world and B) The entire room has been booby trapped by a paraniod loon with waaay to many explosives.

>>58290728
>>58290764
>the rest of the party would take the Rosette from Nubby at the first available opportunity.

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>>58290740
/b/ used to be pretty big on 40k memes

>>58287953
When did that happen?

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>>58290488

i am literally not going to be able to sleep because im so sad

this is why you never get attached to things, it just makes you sad when they're gone

>>58290488
Emperor Bless You Sarge, I hope you don't die, you made the Emperor proud as his hammer. You're a damn good hammer, and I know the Emperor Protects. It's gonna be okay right? It has to be!

>>58290754
Honestly I came back partly because of Gamergate. Not that I'm saying it pure as the driven snow, because it wasn't at all, but it made me remember and realize the value of the concept of being Anon on the Internet, before Facebook, Tumblr, all the rest of the Internet cancer. And I'll be fucked if popular media is going to claim all "gamers" are evil racist, sexist twats. Playing tabletop games doesn't make me responsible for homophobic 14-year-olds playing Halo.

We used to lead two lives, and social media fucked it all up and made everyone a special snowflake to the world.

>>58290793
I had a hammer once, cracked the head and had to replace the head, then the handle cracked and I had to replace the hammer, but its still my hammer.

>>58290792
He ain't dead yet. It took a self-destructing heretek and an orbital bombardment to take Cutter out. No way Sarge goes out for good without a much bigger bang.

>>58290819
All I'm reading here is give Sarge some Prosthetics.

>>58290819
I'm pretty sure that hammer belongs to Theseus now.

>>58290764
Which can steal harder: Nubby, or the Blood Ravens?

>>58290837
Nubby, despite comparative lack of manpower.

Dammit! I need to get to sleep, just please don't have Sarge be dead!

>>58290814
Come on man. Leave that shit at the door. It's a Shoggy thread.

>>58290858
Sarge is gonna be fine, he just needs a few augs

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>>58290488

>>58290488
I swear to god if this ends on a cliffhanger on whether sarge lives or dies...

>>58290878
Do not give him ideas.

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>>58290868
Point taken. I'm drunk and nostalgic.

>>58290837
Depends on if you're stealing relics, or everything from the furniture to the nails holding the furniture to the floor.

Despite the memes, Blood Ravens are actually quite choosy about what they steal. Otherwise you'd find a lot more weird and esoteric items in thier arsenal. Sure you'd find Custodes weapons and Blood Angels armor, but you'd also find jewelry, playing cards, totally legitimate unstolen art, furniture, automotive parts that don't match any Space Marine Vehicle, and of course ALL THE DRUGS!