>>58159093
SHOGGY LIIIVES! "STOMPSTOMP" SHOGGY LIIIVES! "STOMP STOMP"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEZvChBy-sQ&t

FUCK YEAH

>>58159093
The boys are back

SHOGGY! I’m so glad you’re posting again, this is by far the best storytime I’ve ever read! FUCK YEAH INDEED

>>58159093
Great to have you back Shoggy. You have my condolences.

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>>58159093
I can finally post what I promised last time!

First time catchin live, so fucking excited

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>>58159093

It's so good to see you back, Shoggy!

ERE WE GO LADS!

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>>58159129
Also fuck yes Shoggy is back!

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>>58159093
Welcome back, our glorious Inquisitor Shoggy!

>>58159093
Glad to have you back. Thanks for sticking with this story!

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AT LONG LAAAAST!

Good to see you back Shoggy!

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>>58159147

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>when I see an AGP thread

>>58159148
Read it in his fuckin' voice.

>>58159093
Shoggy, What's your response to the rumor that Your GM is the one who made the massive Genesys Conversion for Dark Heresy, and that the AGP campaign now runs on Special Dice?

THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN! Glad to have you back, Shoggy!

Reporting in for storytime, glad to hear you're feeling better mate

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>>58159171

>>58159093
Holy fuck it's not a myth.

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>>58159195

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>>58159093
THE TIME HAS COME AND SO HAVE I!

>>58159129
>>58159147
Hold up, is this that one .gif where girl trips on the opponent and the other girl reflexively leg-locks her?

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Hell yeah caught live

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>>58159195
Context for those who need it

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Glad he's actually posting tonight.
Would've felt like an ass after keeping some of you up by telling ya.

>>58159244
>>58159246

INDEED

>>58159246
>That fucking smile
She's as happy with that situation as we are to see Shoggy

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>New All Guardsman Thread
>Been awake for 20 some odd hours
>Mfw looking at my bed

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>>58159093

>Brief Recap since it's been so long

The party has been sent to the Hive World Joseph Haarlock Sucks At Cards under the command of their second ever Interrogator (now Inquisitor Sciscitat), to destroy a Conspiracy base there. Due to totally unforeseen events, they have become embroiled in a hunt for Stolen Artifacts, which has brought them in contact with both the universe's most overzealous Traffic Cop and a second, friendly Inquisitorial team, who they may or may not have shot a few times.

Working with the second team, the party planned a raid on the manor of a Crime Lord who was holding a high-stakes poker tournament with one of the Artifacts as the grand prize. Theit cover was blown when Nubby, recognizing the Sorceress leading the local Conspiracy cell as yet another former interrogator: Angelica Dominicus (better known as Nubby's Girlfriend), decided to say hi and nearly got his head lightninged off. After a brief shitty-van assisted chase, the party managed to corner Angelica in the Crime Lord's art museum and vault, but were unable to stop her from being rescued by none other than Bane Johns.

Links!
>Archive
http://www.theallguardsmenparty.com/
>1d4chan with original thread links
https://1d4chan.org/wiki/All_Guardsmen_Party

Sorry for the long wait guys, I've been a shithead. And tonight is likely to go a tad slower than usual as I probably got a lot more proofing than usual to do as I post. Might be two or three-dayer.

Thanks for sticking around, and thanks a ton to the guys who emailed me (I'm really, really sorry if I didn't reply).

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>Finally catch a live AGP thread

I can wait, Shogs.
Just keep 1d4 updated with the logs in case we miss it.

>>58159375
I was wondering when you'd come over from shitting up the other thread.

>>58159375
Fake? Maybe.

Garbage? To the contrary, it's one of the best damn things on /tg/

>>58159383
Ha, same.
Should be interesting.

>>58159354
>Might be two or three-dayer.
I'm fucking ready!

>>58159354
It's alright Shoggy, we're all just glad your here and sharing more of this incredible insanity

praise the emperor shoggy returns

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>>58159404
I'm not! I gotta do security guard things in a few hours!

>>58159383
What other thread?

>>58159435
>>58156892

Just a hype thread.

>>58159093
Caught one live!
Damm good to hear another storytime!

>>58159383
Stop feeding the troll. That bait is obvious and lazy.

>>58159469
I'm a fast replier.

>>58159354
>I've been a shithead
Nah man, You needed some time to yourself and you don't owe us anything, but thanks for coming back

>>58159484
This.

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>>58159354

Fortunately for our mouthy techie, nobody upstairs was in any condition to beat the shit out of him. In fact the only one of them that even seemed aware of our arrival was the Fringe-Worlder, who waved at us with the bloody stump of his right arm and asked how "y'all's" part of the mission was going. Sarge managed to convey an entire after-action report's worth of disgust and annoyance with a single grunt, which got a weak laugh from the man and a disapproving look from Doc as he tourniqueted the bleeding limb.

While Doc began triaging what was left with the other team (deciding to start with their Interrogator, whose power armor had somehow failed to stop a dozen autopistol rounds), Sarge's attention was caught by a large figure in blackened, smoking Sororitas power armor struggling out of a hole in the wall. The Big Sister stumbled over to the windows and tossed the half-slagged remains of a plasma cannon out of them, yanked her equally ruined helmet off and began screaming a string of decidedly un-sisterly Vostroyan curses at the distant gunship. Sarge blinked as he finally recognized the face and voice as belonging to Ivana Krushyu, former minion of the traitorous Lord General Omurov, and one of Bane Johns numerous girlfriends before he'd been hauled off by the Inquisition. Sarge, no longer feeling capable of surprise, just let out disgusted sigh at the universe's perverse sense of humor, and asked the valkyrion woman if she had any injuries that needed treatment. She stared at him for a second, and then dropped to her knees screaming and clutching at her head.

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>>58159093
I am so exited to be here
I don’t like wasting posts so here, have a funny picture.

>>58159516
oof
brain hurtin' juice

>>58159516
>whose power armor had somehow failed to stop a dozen autopistol rounds

H-how?
Were they using explosive rounds or something?

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>>58159093
So damn happy to have you back.

>>58159581
Bane Johns

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>>58159516

The last two members of the other team that we could find weren't doing noticeably better than Ivana. Tink found what was left of their tech-priest in a crater full of blood, lubricant, and assorted servitor bits, and after a bit of highly scientific stick-poking declared the cogboy to be "super DUPER dead". The tech-priest in question took offense at this, loudly complaining that "you take one nap in a pool of your own bodily fluids and people start declaring you all sorts of things". He informed Tink that unlike SOME people he could operate just fine without his appendages, and in apocalyptic, low power environments of as few as 1.1 volts too, thank you very much. If someone would be so kind as to dig him out, top up his internal battery, and drag him to a servitor workshop he'd arrange for Tink to try being limbless torso and see how alive HE looked. Tink was understandably a bit hesitant about helping the cogboy, but was informed that "he's a bit of a dick" wasn't a valid excuse for leaving an ally to bleed out.

The Ganger was in better shape physically, but mentally she definitely a bit out of it. She just kept staring out the window, seemingly unaware of our arrival, or the fact that she was sitting on the remains of what appeared to be one of our Interrogator's murder-dogs. Twitch, interpreting this shockiness as a sign of daemonic possession (as opposed to, you know, SHOCK), threw a vial of holy water at her, which at least brought her attention back to the general orbital vicinity, if not all the way down to earth as it were. Despite Twitch's insistence that she wasn't as angry as she should've been, and was probably harboring a gene-stealer parasite or something, the dampened Ganger was allowed to keep her various weapons (we didn't have the spare bag space for them anyway) and was tasked with getting the wounded Fringe-Worlder up and moving.

>>58159581
Think of how unlucky someone would need to be to have the person shooting at them somehow find all of the weak spots and impurities in their armor...

>>58159581

Bane Johns, man. He's the probability warper, remember?

>>58159581
Bane Johns.
Nuff said.

Now the party needs either an armored null or an exterminatus on the planet Bane is on.

>>58159581
Nah, he was probably close enough to Bane Johns to suffer from his aura of psychic concentrated Sueness.
That's why you take example from HERO OF THE IMPERIUM and always travel with a blank handy.

The way I see it, the AGP has one and only one way out of this trap (short of pulling a blank out of their ass in the next 10mins):

Bane John's insanity field is setting the rules, and while it's horrible to experience it is somewhat predictable, and Nubby's Girlfriend is as trapped in it as the rest of them. All you need is to convince Bane that she's betrayed him and it's the end of the road.

Plus Bane himself is a friendly moron. During the Gold-Fingy mission they tied him up and fired him in an escape pod at the enemy, and by the end he was quite happy and decided they should all just get drunk together again.

>>58159646
Speaking of the HERO OF THE IMPERIUM, been considering grabbing some of his books.
Worth the buy?

>>58159659
I liked them.

>>58159659
They were good, and you can YARR them easily enough. Apparently a new one is in the works, too.

>>58159659
Yes.

>>58159642
It'd miss the fucking planet and you know it.

>>58159659
PDFs, .mobi, .e-pub should be in one of the Megas linked from the general thread, /40kg/ .

>>58159719
It's got a short range, I think.
So just find out which part he's on and go for the opposite point on the planet to deliver the maximum FUCK YOU.

>>58159719
No, it would hit.
Every atom of space and planet except the area where he is.

>>58159737
Nah, he'd hide in a refrigerator.

>>58159613
>"you take one nap in a pool of your own bodily fluids and people start declaring you all sorts of things"
>Tink as a Doctor
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L502UGT_amM

>>58159749
Knowing Bane Johns? That would probably work better than it did for Indy, purely because fuck you

Which Bond move is Johns's storyline based off of this time?

>>58159659
They're quite good. But if you enjoy them, their inspirations (GM Fraser's Flashman and McAuslan series) are even better, and at least loosely based on real history. Yes, Gunner Jurgen did exist, as a Highland private in WWII.

>>58159795
It was probably GOING to be Casino Royale, what with the poker tournament for the artifact

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>>58159613

Back across the room, Ivana finally transitioned from tortured screaming to a mix of hysterical giggling and tears. Not being emotionally equipped to deal with crying women in general, much less one a head taller and twice as burly as himself, Sarge decided this probably meant she was uninjured and beat a rather cowardly retreat. He'd only got a few steps before the crying abruptly stopped, and a large power-armored hand grabbed him by the shoulder. A deep, scarily-focused voice informed him that he was Needed. For A Thing. Right Now. Sarge made a small whimpering noise.

To our not-so-fearless leader's relief, he was only dragged over to where Doc was failing to treat the other team's Interrogator's numerous autopistol wounds. Completely ignoring the medic and his work, Ivana saluted her half-dead Interrogator and in a parade-ground voice announced that Interrogator Sargent was formally requesting to transfer to their team. The requestee's confused "I am?" earned him a glare, a possibly broken shin, and a threatening "Yes, you are"; Sarge wisely decided just to go with it and hope that it wouldn't all end in some sort of Inquisitorial tribunal for gross misconduct.

In a complete farce of Inquisitorial procedure, with Ivana creatively interpreting the pained gurgles of her superior officer, Sarge was inducted into the retinue of Inquisitor what's-his-name. Then, since said Inquisitor had last been seen being sucked screaming into a hole in the warp after trying to use his psyker powers on Bane, and his Interrogator had apparently kicked the bucket mid-ceremony, Sarge was appointed acting Inquisitor, handed a shiny Ordo Hereticus rosette, and put in charge of the team. At least, that's what Ivana said was going on; the Fringe-Worlder accused her of being crazier than a bag of something or other, but recommended we just play along and keep the rosette away from her until we'd gotten out of there. We quietly agreed with him.

>>58159835
OH SHIT
INQUISITOR SARGENT

>>58159835
>"since said Inquisitor had last been seen being sucked screaming into a hole in the warp after trying to use his psyker powers on Bane"
Figures.

>>58159865
Aw, I liked him.

It lives.


Now I need to binge the whole series again.

Worth it.

>>58159354
Shoggy, you take as much time as you feel you need. Don't apologize! Also, if I were a femanon, I'd want to have your babies.

>>58159865
>>58159874
It's 40k.
If you display anything resembling reason, without being a Cain, you die.
Period.

>>58159835
>hope that it wouldn't all end in some sort of Inquisitorial tribunal for gross misconduct.

Well, that's reason... four? for the tribunal we already know about sorted.

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>>58159835

The other team having been collected (literally in the tech-priest's case) Doc raised the question of where our teammates were and why we'd gone and entire five minutes without Sciscitat yelling at us. Tink answered the latter by poking at his combead for a second before hastily deactivating it and informing everyone that A: plasma interference or space fairies or something had fouled our comms so they all needed to be restarted and B: the Inquisitor REALLY wanted to talk to Sarge.

Given the fact that we were in the middle of both a Crime Lord's mansion and a large scale assault by the Planetary Secret Police, Sarge kept his report to the half-furious, half-frantic Sciscitat brief, leaving out the hard to explain details about Ivana and Bane and such. The Inquisitor stuck to the basics as well, settling for just a few darkly sarcastic comments when he learned about the Inquisitor's death and the Sorceress' escape with the evil box thing. The mission being well and truly scrubbed, we were given the order to pull out.

The original plan called for extracting via the parking garage, but we were quick to point out that, since the Secret Police had launched their attack from that way, we probably wouldn't be able to reach those fancy getaway cars. And even if we could get to them, they'd likely been damaged in the fighting or something; it was probably best to not even try recovering them. Sciscitat seemed suspicious, but grudgingly guided us on a path to recover our surviving teammates and exit via the route which the second team had used to get in.

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>>58159835
> A deep, scarily-focused voice informed him that he was Needed. For A Thing. Right Now.

>>58159932
Heh.
Woulda been interesting to hear about Tink & Nubby's impromptu episode of Pimp My Ride.

>>58159932
Well, on the plus side, they seem to have picked up a few actually competent squadmates. On the downside, EVERYTHING ELSE.

>>58159959
Nubby sold the wheels for an RPG. Worked out great!

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>>58159932

Nubby was picked up from where he'd been left moping heartbrokenly around the wrecked art museum, and was attached to the shell-shocked Ganger, who just nodded along vacantly with his self-pitying monologue. From there we made our way back along the trail of destruction Bane had left in his wake, collecting what was left of our teammates who'd tried to attack the two decoy sorceresses and ran afoul of their "bodyguard". Of the four of them:
>The Deathcult Assassin was dead: he tried to knife-fight Bane.
>Face was still breathing but completely catatonic and bleeding from the eyes. Doc put it down as "warp bullshit" and said he'd probably be fine. Or he'd turn into a deamonhost. One or the other.
>The Cleric had been shot. Again.
>One more of our Interrogator's cybernetic murder-dogs was definitely dead, and another had had last been seen sailing out a window, but the woman herself had made it through unscathed thanks her decision to chase the decoys instead of Bane.

Thankfully, the Cleric was still capable of walking, so only Face had to be carried, and the Interrogator was actually being cooperative for a change. We'd expected yet another argument about who was in charge, or at least some incessant whining about her dead pets, but she just quietly fell into line at the back of the group and even followed Sarge's orders. We were incredibly grateful for this given the difficulty of sneaking our whole ragged little patrol passed all the Goons and Secret Police. Twitch declared it to be incredibly suspicious though, and Ivana constantly seemed to be watching the Interrogator when we weren't on the move too.

>>58160041
hold on, wouldn't the interrogator of the other team be shot more, since he had a dozen rounds in him?

>>58160023
Just imagining the two of them speedily cannibalizing nearby Arbites vehicles for spare parts to put them back together.
80-inch military-grade wheels, 4-inch armored plating (only on one and a half doors, on the the right side), and a pane of bullet proof glass duct-taped to the drivers side of the windshield.

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>>58160041

It took three hours and a whole lot of stairs to make it down to where the Crime Lord's little sub-spire connected to the hive, and then back up to a vehicle-accessible area that wasn't crawling with Planetary Secret Police. The only real moment of interest was a brief firefight with the bodyguards of some noble fleeing the giant charlie-foxtrot above, at the end of which Ivana's half-slagged power armor finally gave up the ghost. The Sororitas armor was unceremoniously ditched in a closet. The torso-fied tech-priest in Tink's backpack loudly complained that he'd just fixed the stuff after SOME ASSHOLE WITH A PLASMA GUN shot up its power unit. He then directed said asshole in the looting of "the good bits" of the discarded armor, which might be useful in fixing some of the long list of obvious amateur mistakes SOMEONE had made on their plasma weapon. Tink asked if someone else could carry the tech-priest, but was informed they made a cute couple.

Also on the note of Ivana, the disarmed Fringe-Worlder pulled some of us aside for a few words, to "explain her". In short, she was crazy. Like actually certifiably. His boss had snagged her up for no other reason than to spite Oak for trying to recruit her on Hereticus time, which explained a lot, and she'd subsequently undergone some psyker-assisted "reeducation", which explained even more. His point was that Ivana was sweeter than a something full of somethings, but even if we'd served with her before (as he was s'pectin') it wouldn't be a good idea to bring up her past. Or her fixation on Inquisitorial authority. Or whether or not she was actually a Sister of Battle. Or certain varieties of mixed drinks. Best if we didn't talk to her at all really. Especially given that the woman in question had twisted one of those bodyguards' head off like a bottle-cap, and was alternating between glaring at our other female companions and eying Sarge with a downright disquieting level of intensity.

>>58160072
naw he dead

>>58160165
Sarge gonna get Snu-snu'd

>>58160165
>the woman in question had twisted one of those bodyguards' head off like a bottle-cap, and was alternating between glaring at our other female companions and eying Sarge with a downright disquieting level of intensity.
Poor Sarge, always gets the short end of the stick, doesn't he?

>>58160208
The dream, lad.
The dream.

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>>58160165
This should be fun.

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>>58160165

The Scan Van was waiting for us at our eventual exit along with the definitely-not-full-of-orks truck, which was being driven by two heavily armed men we didn't recognize, but the Fringe-Worlder vouched for. We decided these strange men, who'd almost certainly been tasked with killing our team in the event that we doublecrossed their now-dead Inquisitor, were just the folks to take our large collection of wounded teammates (with one specific exception) off for medical treatment by their team's actual real doctor. Sciscitat probably didn't agree with that judgement, but we were suffering some mysterious comm interference.

Once the truck had pulled out, we directed our attention to the Scan Van, or more specifically, its driver. During the hike out, the question of what to do about a certain problematic tech-priest had been raised, and the other priest had been tapped for some expert advice in dealing with his die-hard orthodox counterpart. This wasn't intentional, we just forgot he was in Tink's pack and could totally hear us. In any case, he cheerfully suggested turning our cogboy off and on again. With our lasguns. Admittedly the "on again" part would be tricky, but he thought it was still worth a shot. We decided we liked the Torso-priest.

>>58160263
Isn't the torsopriest still bleeding out?

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>>58160263
>This wasn't intentional, we just forgot he was in Tink's pack and could totally hear us. In any case, he cheerfully suggested turning our cogboy off and on again. With our lasguns. Admittedly the "on again" part would be tricky, but he thought it was still worth a shot. We decided we liked the Torso-priest.

>>58160297
Nah.
He robit
Robit k.

>>58160263
>Sciscitat probably didn't agree with that judgement,

I wonder if Sciscitat is gonna be the third guy on the tribunal.

>>58160358
Probably.

>>58160358
I think those guys on the Tribunal were senior Ordo Xenos inq's, while Sciscitat is... A new-ish Hereticus I think?

>>58160358
I hope not. If thats the case then our heroes are doomed

>>58160390
Don't forget, they'll be acquitted - two to one.

>>58159613
>but was informed that "he's a bit of a dick" wasn't a valid excuse for leaving an ally to bleed out.

"a bit of a dick" had better be high goth for "a star-ship sized dildo tool."

>>58159093
Wooo caught it live you have been missed highlord of storytime!

It's important to note that it is standard procedure for tribunals to be held after the action in the Inquisition

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>>58160263

Doc entered the Scan Van via the rear door, triggering at attack of horrible nausea in the exhausted psyker occupying it. Seeing the man's discomfort, Doc graciously administered a dose of anti-nausea medication, which had the completely accidental side-effect of knocking Snitch out cold. In the front of the van, Lexmechanic Thomas de Torque's attempts to localise the signal jamming his vox connection to the Inquisitor were interrupted by someone knocking on the passenger door. He was still trying to explain to the dolt outside that the door was locked and would remain that way, when the window behind him exploded in a shower of safety glass and a pair of beefy arms seized him by the neck. As the tech-priest's datafeeds were ripped from their sockets and he was dragged kicking and screaming out the broken window, he reflected on the wisdom of antagonizing a bunch of people who viewed violence as more of a first resort. The last thing Thomas heard, aside from all the las and plasma fire, was a muffled mechanical voice calling "dibs" on his limbs. He hoped it was the Omnissiah.

Sciscitat was less than pleased to find out his tech-priest had been replaced with a new lighter-weight model. For some reason he didn't seem willing to believe Sarge's report of a last-second sneak attack on the scan-van (even with all the super-realistic combat sound effects being supplied in the background by Twitch and a slightly cheered-up Nubby). That said, the Inquisitor didn't really seem angry about the brutal murder of a trusted subordinate, so much as annoyed at the great personal inconvenience it would cause him, whining about how much of his valuable time it would take to bring the new cogboy up to speed and so on. In retrospect, why we'd expected any other response was a mystery.

So yeah, Sciscitat took the news pretty well… right up until Sarge sort of accidentally mentioned Bane and Angelica.

By name.

And rank.

>>58160438
Nah, he's only being rude to Tink, which is acceptable. He's now their portable cogbro!

>>58160465
And the subjects of said tribunal could be long-dead before they ever get to it.

>>58160418
Ahh, relief

>>58159093
>AGP finally updates again
>will miss most of the live thread reading the last few chapters as a catch-up because it's been so fucking long

Good to see you back though Shoggy.

>>58160475
Ahhhhh, sweet sweet vengeance

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Caught one live.

I am happiness.

>>58160506
It'll probably be a while, you have plenty of time.

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>>58160475
>that revenge
>that surprising reaction
>those last three sentences
>sissy-tat's face when

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Imma need one of these moments to happen.
Only right before he pulls the pin, Nubby dashes in and steals it and runs off shouting "FOUN' ANOTHA UN, TWITCH!"

>>58160489

oh wait yea, i was thinking of sciscitat's asshole tech priest.

my bad homeboy.

>>58160561
I would fear that Sciscitat is about to accuse the AGP of being in league with the not-Cognitae. Except that the not-Cognitae presumably recruits geniuses like Angelica and Bane, not literally Generic guardsmen.

>>58160475
I’m pretty sure this is the first time the AGP got the satisfaction of directly karma’ing one of their less pleasant ‘superiors’.

It’s wonderful!

It's five in the morning here.
Thanks for the great thread, but i must now go to bed.
my inferior flesh body demands it.

>>58159093
Thanks you ! I love To read this story!

>>58160621
>Implying Bane is anything but a walking luck projector for anyone smart enough to subvert him.

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>>58160475

Doc and Twitch tackled Sarge and took away his combead, but the enraged screaming had already started by that point so we just went with Plan B and Tink reactivated the jammer. Our new tech-priest informed us that we were idiots delaying the inevitable; Doc reminded him that we were guardsmen.

The beauty of Plan B was that, between the limb-attachment (a process which involved a lot of sarcasm and backseat surgery-ing from the patient) and the inter-hive traffic delays caused by some big dust storm thing and all the Arbite patrols, we got twelve hours of napping in before the inevitable shit-show of the debriefing. This was a very good thing, because the revelation that not just one, but BOTH of the Conspiracy agents were our ex-bosses didn't go over well with the Inquisitor. Or anyone else for that matter, especially the two new guys from the other team, who turned out to be REAL Inquisitorial Stormtroopers and were therefore already a bit ill-disposed towards us. It was only Sciscitat's repeated assurances that we were too stupid to have actually planned everything that kept us from being branded traitors on the spot; Sarge thanked him for his support.

That set the tone for the rest of the debrief, though admittedly it could've been worse: for instance the tech-priest might've still been alive (that thought alone was enough to keep our morale up through the whole thing). Also, Snitch was too wiped out to do much of his usual fact checking, so that was nice, and Face spent most of the meeting lying in a corner muttering "wiggle your big toe" to himself. The Interrogator was doing a little better (see: bitchy), but some sort of feud with Ivana drew most of her fire off us, so it was mostly just Sciscitat, the Cleric, and the two Stormtroopers picking everything apart and finding varying degrees of fault with our every action.

>>58160637
RIP Czechbro.
You'll be missed.

>>58160698
>It was only Sciscitat's repeated assurances that we were too stupid to have actually planned everything that kept us from being branded traitors on the spo

Called it!

>>58160721
I wonder is sciscat was picked by oak for this very reason.
>fuck people are going to think they ate blessed by the holy one himself.
>or chaos
>better get that guy to be on charge he will inadvertently save them out of sheer spite.

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>>58160698
>Our new tech-priest informed us that we were idiots delaying the inevitable; Doc reminded him that we were guardsmen.

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>>58160698

Despite a strong temptation to throw Nubby under the proverbial bus, we responded to the nitpicking with a mixture of apathy, antipathy, and (in Twitch's case) sociopathy. As far as we were concerned the reappearance of our old bosses had changed the nature of our mission, and we no longer had time for these silly little games. Eventually Sciscitat and his minions took the hint and moved on to more productive subjects. It was amusing to watch as they realized that the only people with actual intel on Bane and Angelica were the ones they'd spent the last two hours badmouthing, not that it stopped them from constantly interrupting our report.

To say that the stories of our past missions with the two ex-Interrogators was met with a little skepticism doesn't quite cover it. "You're making this up", "Bullshit", and "If that actually happened, then I'm an Ork in dress. Why is he looking at me like that?" sums it up a bit better. Things started to go downhill pretty quickly until, to our considerable surprise, Sciscitat stepped in and told everyone else to shut up and actually listen to us. Unfortunately, any gratitude we felt for this intervention evaporated where we got to our patented "DTU Strategy", and the Inquisitor pointed out that this was probably why the Secret Police had been rounding up every untouchable on the planet…

The real kicker was finding out that EVERYONE, including Ivana who LITERALLY HAD BRAIN DAMAGE, had been told except for us. We dearly missed the days when Sciscitat attended meetings in person, because then we could've shot him like he deserved.

>>58160850
taking bets how long before the curse of death/pain/heresy takes him

>>58160850
You'd think the fucker would learn that these people do not die and should be at least told a few things.

>>58160850
>"If that actually happened, then I'm an Ork in dress. Why is he looking at me like that?"

spoiler alert?

>>58160850
>"DTU Strategy"
Uh, which adventure should I be going to re-read?

When you are saying 'had been told', I assume you mean 'about the untouchables being rounded up?'

>>58160926
Interplanetary Man of Mystery. They used Untouchables wrapped in duct tape (Duct Taped Untouchable - DTU) to disable Johns at delicate moments.

>>58160926

I think that stands for Duct Taped Untouchable.

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>>58160165
>Tink asked if someone else could carry the tech-priest, but was informed they made a cute couple.
Oh the Fujoshis are gonna have fun with this one, especially if this somehow makes it into the Tau AGP anime.

>>58160926
Interplanetary man of mystery. >>58160876
The spoopy poker room already has a seat. He just dosent know it yet.

>>58160926
Dude Where's My Psyker and Interplanetary Man of Mystery.

>>58160939
Ya, like page 2 of their briefings.

>>58160920
Nubby has been accused of being a Gretchin in a dress.

Either way, these guys gotta figure which one of their party members took Wild Wasteland.

>>58160850
I want “duct-taped untouchable” to be a new piece of war gear in the inquisition codex so damn bad.

>DTU: 15 points
T3, W3, 5+ sv
>The Duct Taped Untouchable is a Character. He may not move unless another infantry model is within 1” of him, and must remain in cohesion with that unit during the movement phase. He may follow the unit onto transports. The DTU may also be thrown a number of inches equal to the strength of the nearest model during the shooting phase. Any psykers within 9” of the duct-taped untouchable cannot use psychic powers.

>>58160988
I figured it was Twitch giving him the look. That sounds like the kind of statement he would take literally.

>>58159093
ahhhhhh i fucking caught a thread live.

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>>58160850

Anyway, despite her supposed memory problems, Ivana also chimed in to claim Bane had some sort of subtle mind control powers, and that these had already been used on the Ganger (which explained why she wasn't present). Ivana's teammates backed her up on this, but were a bit less supportive when she went on to accuse our Interrogator of being "compromised" as well. Twitch was totally on board though, and excitedly began listing all the "suspicious" ways our nominal superior had been acting. He probably should have stuck to just the post-mission stuff though, the amazingly detailed log of her personal hygiene habits and what fiendish plots they might be hiding didn't really help his argument.

To Sciscitat's credit he took Ivana's (if not Twitch's) accusation seriously enough to wake Snitch up and have the psyker take a few pokes and his Interrogator's brain despite some pretty strong protests on her part. Unfortunately, he had a bit less patience when Snitch declared her to be clean of outside influence and Ivana still persisted. The term "crazy bitch" was used a few times. Eventually, between her teammates and Sarge's own reassurances, Ivana was convinced to settle for a vague promise to keep an eye on our Interrogator.

Since things had pretty much stalled by this point, Sarge decided it was time to raise the question of just what in the Emperor's name we were going to do about Bane and Angelica. The Fringe-Worlder earned our undying approval by immediately suggesting nuking them from orbit, but this was shot down by Sciscitat on the grounds that it would destroy the Artifacts in their possession. Twitch grimly added that he wouldn't believe Bane was dead unless he personally saw the body. Even if we called in a full Exterminatus, some scavengers would probably just find him a few weeks later in a stasis-equipped refrigerator up in orbit or something. Doc hushed him, and Sarge took the floor to present Plan C.

>>58161047
>Even if we called in a full Exterminatus, some scavengers would probably just find him a few weeks later in a stasis-equipped refrigerator up in orbit or something.
Which anon called this?

>>58161047
>stasis-equipped refrigerator
ITT: >>58159749

>>58161102
That's me, fuckboy.
Called it.

>>58160951
>Tau AGP anime.
Speaking of which
>That time Shoggy popped into a thread and did an impromptu bit as various characters responding to fan mail of their Tau Holo-vid series
https://boards.fireden.net/tg/thread/55198391/#55212200
Unless of course that was not actually Shoggy, but even if that was just an impostor, he still did a pretty alright job.

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>>58161047

Plan C (A and B being the aforementioned Untouchable and Nuke It From Orbit) consisted of separating our two ex-bosses through some vaguely defined trickery, dealing with Angelica using "literally all of the explosives", and just throwing disposable bodies at Bane until he got tired from killing them. It was admittedly a bit of a work in progress, but we felt it set a good general theme to start with.

The Torso-priest raised the question of whether Bane was or wasn't a daemonhost and how that would affect tiring him out. Tink pointed out that A: with Bane, how could you tell? And B: either way his powers were warpy, and if you keep using warp powers for long enough you'll either explode or turn into a daemon; it's just how magic works. Nobody argued either point, though Tink did get some pushback when he went on to suggest that we could accelerate the process by adding a few disposable psykers to the mix. The argument was progressing nicely and was on the edge of turning into a real plan, when Sciscitat broke in to inform everyone that we wouldn't be doing that, ANY of that.

The Inquisitor explained to us slow people that our mission was to get the artifacts, NOT kill rogue Inquisition agents. Everyone present stared at him with the incredulity that statement definitely warranted until Doc bit the bullet and asked how he intended to get anything done without at the very least killing Bane first. Sciscitat just rolled his eyes and explained that the way you dealt with tactically superior enemy was to plan AROUND their strengths and outmaneuver them on strategic level. It was okay, he didn't expect us to understand.

To our disgust, several of the other, theoretically sane, people present actually nodded along with the Inquisitor's bullshit. Sarge took a deep breath, summoned up every ounce of his half-assed diplomatic training, and attempted to convince Sciscitat that he wasn't quite grasping the scope of Bane's powers. He was not successful.

>>58161171
Nah that was me, pretty sure I was drunk though.

>>58161171
Beautiful

>>58161008
Oh shit due to twitches reality altering powers that guy is probably a freeboota that just forgot he's an ork.

Calling it now.

They will kill Bane and crack him open, just to find him full of Orks.

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>>58159093
>>58159354
>>58159516
>>58159613
>>58159835
>>58159932
>>58160041
>>58160165
>>58160263
>>58160475
>>58160698
>>58160850
>>58161047
>>58161185

>>58161185
>Sarge took a deep breath, summoned up every ounce of his half-assed diplomatic training, and attempted to convince Sciscitat that he wasn't quite grasping the scope of Bane's powers. He was not successful.
Remind me, did we get a name or major role for the diplomat? I did think he was a wonderful unsung hero of the party, even if he wasn't a PC.

>>58161273
Personally I want Scisitat to hae to deal with that awesome old lady that got us into the Slaanesh bunker rave.

>>58161273
No name, but he has apparently served with Oak since he was an Interrogator.

Sciscitat is making the cardinal mistake of Bond Villains: Attempting to plan around James Bond. (Or Banes John, as the case is).

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>>58161185

We belatedly realised that, despite not being physically involved in the recent mess, the Inquisitor hadn't been having the best day. When Sarge tried to explain how terrible his idea was and how dead we would all get attempting it, some sort of dam burst inside the man. It was… well, you couldn't call it "impressive" exactly, what with his stature and the fact that he was only a hologram, but it was definitely a bit surprising. Like being savaged by a fat little dog. A yappy one. It would've been hilarious if he wasn't our direct superior.

Sciscitat's little tantrum ended with him declaring us banned from all meetings, and ordering us out to do some "things, very important things, things at least two hives away from here". Tink smugly pointed out that it would be a tad tricky, given where we'd left our van parked. The Inquisitor almost grinned as he pulled up a hologram of a tiny three-wheeled ground car and informed us that the tech-priest had managed to order us a replacement before his unfortunate demise. Certain people around the table snickered; Snitch began to inform everyone what we thought of our new ride, but paused at a glare from Sarge, who very pointedly remained in his seat.

After a few seconds of mutual glaring Sciscitat pulled up another hologram, this time of a familiar massive armored figure standing in front of a whole precinct of Arbites. Nubby swore and threw one of the several beer bottles he'd emptied over the course of the meeting through it. The Inquisitor ignored this, and grimly informed the rest of us that, if we couldn't even follow the simplest orders, he knew a certain rising star in the Arbites who'd probably be willing to trade all sorts of support for information regarding van full of guardsmen. We took the hint.

>>58161305
That adept was pretty great.

>>58161346
I'll have to check my notes, but I'm pretty sure she gets a cameo along with a lot of others during the final chapter.

>>58161328
Hey, at least they'll have air conditioning, on account of they'll be riding on the outside. Of course, Sarge alone would probably weigh the thing down too much to move.

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>>58161370
oh that's just aces

>>58161305
which story was that in?

>>58161407
http://www.theallguardsmenparty.com/heretics.html

>>58161407
The one where they had to aid the Rupert to clean a new planet of Chaos cult scomimg from the all the Big Four.

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>>58161328
Aww, I was kind hoping it would be another shitty van. I feel like shitty vans have kind of become a part of the AGP family, in no small part due to the most ridiculous stunts they pull with them, like getting in high-ish speed chases, ramming Battlesuits or jumping impossible Chasms with them. Hell, they’re like representations of the Guardsmen themselves, Big, Clunky, Chaotic, of Poorly equipped and maintained, and quite frankly not all that Stylish, and yet somehow fucking unstoppable.

Fuck yeah, caught one live.

>>58161450
This anon has a point.
We need more vans.

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>>58161450
>>58161497

Shoggy sponsorship deal incoming

>>58161305

>yfw that adept is sciscitat's mom

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>>58161328

It was as we were prying a very drunk Nubby off the floor (we had no idea where he kept pulling the bottles from, Doc just gave up trying to confiscate them after the ninth one and decided it was probably for the better to let the heartbroken trooper drink his sorrows away). Anyway, it was as we were picking the little idiot up that *it* happened. Threat made, Sciscitat had dropped us from his attention and begun outlining his plan for integrating what was left of the other team into ours. Under his Interrogator.

Ivana leapt to her feet, but instead of the explosion we were expecting, she merely announced that her team couldn't agree to any reassignment without authorization from their Inquisitorial superior. This outburst mostly just earned her the same mix of confused and annoyed looks Twitch's remarks usually got; except from the Fringe-Worlder, who sighed and pulled his hat down over his face, the Torso-Priest, who was very suddenly at the far end of the room, and Sarge who was too busy staring at Sciscitat's hologram trying to see if it was possible to hate someone to death to notice until Doc kicked him in the shin. Sarge suffered a brief moment of panic as he registered the better part of one hundred fifty kilos of woman staring at him like starving dog eyes a poorly guarded bacon sandwich, then finally remembered what he had in his pocket.

The series of changes in our fearless leader's expressions as the situation finally hit him was really something to see, but it had nothing on the reaction around the table when Acting Inquisitor Greg Sargent pulled "his" blood-spattered Ordos Hereticus Rosette out of his pocket, and formally denied Ivana permission to join Sciscitat's team.

>>58161594
Impossible: he would have to know how to express himself without getting on the bad side of the guardsmen he works with.

>>58161543
this post will stay in my AGP reading memories.

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>>58161627
Bwahahahaha!

>>58161627
>The series of changes in our fearless leader's expressions as the situation finally hit him was really something to see, but it had nothing on the reaction around the table when Acting Inquisitor Greg Sargent pulled "his" blood-spattered Ordos Hereticus Rosette out of his pocket, and formally denied Ivana permission to join Sciscitat's team.

Fucking RIP Sciscitat's whole bullshit of telling them what to do now, ah AH!

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>>58161627
>sarge getting to show up the fat arrogant fuck with actual authority

fucking christ shaggy you don't know how much i needed that.

>>58161627

That might be the greatest "NO" of all time.

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>>58161627
>The series of changes in our fearless leader's expressions as the situation finally hit him was really something to see, but it had nothing on the reaction around the table when Acting Inquisitor Greg Sargent pulled "his" blood-spattered Ordos Hereticus Rosette out of his pocket, and formally denied Ivana permission to join Sciscitat's team.

>>58161627
Genuinely surprised they haven't nicknamed him "Sissy." He never leaves his ship, after all.

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>>58161627

>>58161627
I can't even begin to imagine the frighting progress in all mission objectives that's about to be made.

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>>58161627
yooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

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>>58161627

When you're committing something that might technically be considered mutiny, especially against the Inquisition, it's important to keep up your momentum. Best to not get bogged down in little things, like the actual meaning of the rules and ordinances you're citing, or whether they even really exist for that matter. Which is why the first thing we did after Sarge's announcement was mute Sciscitat's hologram. The second was to position Doc as close as possible to Snitch, who quickly turned green and spent the rest of the meeting trying (and eventually failing) to keep his lunch down. The playing field nicely leveled, Sarge delivered his pitch.

Now, over the past months we'd given our fearless leader no end of shit for his little diplomacy lessons and their lackluster results, but this is where they finally paid off. He might not have had quite the poise or menace of a REAL Inquisitor, and he probably shouldn't have referred to his predecessor as "Inquisitor what's-his-name", but he still managed amazingly well all things considered. Sarge explained that we were going to go off and start our own team, just us guardsmen and Ivana, and WE were going to go kill Bane and Angelica. Nobody from the other team was required (or even asked) to come with us, they had their own very important mission to complete after all, and it would no doubt be easier accomplish with their two primary opponents dead. Of course, we'd still liaise, cooperate, and SHARE CRITICAL INTEL with them just like any other "friendly" Inquisition team would, but they had their objective, we had ours, and that was all there was to it.

I'd like to say we left to mixture of stunned silence and scattered applause, but it was more of a "you won't last ten minutes" atmosphere. The moment was spoiled even further a few minutes later when Doc poked his head back in to ask if the Torso-Priest could give us a ride, since there was no way we were ever going to fit Ivana into that three-wheeled thing.

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>>58161627
Sciscitat is about to ascend as a DP of Khorne from all that rage.

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>>58161543
>>58161497
What would an Endgame Van for the AGP be? By that I mean, what would a Van that they got the chance to properly Guardify look like?
>Sarge would insist on having heavy armor plating everywhere, because there’s not an Eldar’s chance in the Warp that they’ll ever avoid a firefight even if they tried
>Tink would probably use it to try out a bunch of “Awesome” and probably techno-heretical engines, weapons, and other gadgets
>Twitch would have loads of traps for would be intruders and internally facing scanners just in case anything (namely Orkz) tried to sneak in.
>Doc would probably just want a relatively well stocked medical supply cabinet and large table, in case he ever needs to do any impromptu operations.
>Nubby would have tons of scan proof hidden compartments for storing “gifts” and “borrowed” items.

>>58161750
Made entirely out of armor plating, sandbags, razor wire, and landmines.

>and he probably shouldn't have referred to his predecessor as "Inquisitor what's-his-name"
I kekked

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>>58161729

>>58161779
You forgot the pillboxes and mortar pit but other then that sounds pretty good

>>58161729
An even better parting shot would be to snidely point out that Sciscitat obviously would rather not have the AGP on his team at all, so they are graciously removing themselves so that they're no longer in his way.

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>>58161750
Behold Sarge's ideal van

>>58161750
Sounds accurate to me, but it'd take ages to get to that point, not to mention more than a dozen destroyed attempts while on mission.
In the end I think a previous post of mine would be their end-game.
>>58159959
>>58160075

>>58161750
It would have a basilisk cannon on the roof.

>>58161817
That is a fair question, what Chimera turret would the AGP prefer? THB is flash, but the Autocannon's got enough kick to waste any more Chaos marines they run into. Maybe Multi-laser for raw reliability?

>>58161865
"Gifted" scout titan weapon.

>>58161827
Sarge probably wouldn't allow that; remember the time he denied Twitch permission to bring anti-air missiles on the mission.

>>58161865
Tink glues all turret types together into a mega cannon when left unoccupied in the motor pool.

ah heck, looks like ill need to turn in for an interview tomorrow.

enjoy it anons, and welcome back shoggy.

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>>58161865
Sorry my bad. THIS is Sarge's ideal van. He is an Inquisitor now after all.

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>>58161729

Four days later, the "C Team" convened in the briefing room of "Fort Kickass" for the first real planning session of operation "Kill Our Old Bosses". The first order of business was to revoking Tink's naming privileges.

Our new base, whatever it was called, was located in the middle levels of the planetary capital: Seven Hive. We hadn't actually intended to move a third of the way across the planet, it was just that our original plan to simply take over the other team's base met with a bit of opposition. Well, not so much "opposition" as "armed resistance", specifically from the two Stormtroopers. Sciscitat had apparently flown them out ahead of us, and they didn't seem to agree with us about which of their former bosses assets should pass on to his completely legitimate successor. Words, and a few death threats, were exchanged in the doorway before an agreement was finally brokered by the Fringe Worlder. We left with a (big) box full of Ivana's stuff, a single dataslate labeled "Person of Interest: The Sorceress", and an IOU for "One Inquisitorial Mission Budget". Admittedly, not the best Deal we'd ever made, but given our usual negotiator spent the whole time drunkenly sobbing in a corner… well, we had to take what we could get.

Honestly, it wasn't like we really NEEDED the budget or intel. Those are what we in the Guard refer to as "luxuries", a proper soldier knows how to scrounge. For starters, we needed a vehicle we could drive ourselves, and preferably wasn't filled with listening devices piping our every word to our third-worst enemy in the system. Fortunately, there were two of them just sitting unattended in that garage. Judging by what they yelled after us, the Stormtroopers didn't think their cargo truck and brand new flier had been part of the deal, but we really didn't see how that was our problem.

>>58161865
A Pulse Gatling Cannon, courtesy of Tink and Fio.

>>58161914
I think they'd be good with a Stormlord

>>58161929
That filename

>>58161929
They should have nailed it down. It would have given them more time to catch up while Nubby stoke the nails.

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>>58161929
>Four days later, the "C Team" convened in the briefing room of "Fort Kickass" for the first real planning session of operation "Kill Our Old Bosses". The first order of business was to revoking Tink's naming privileges.
This is why Tink is Best Boy.

>>58161929
>AGP
>flier

>>58162006
It's going to go so wrong it could only end up amazing.

>>58162006
I have a feeling Angelica’s about to feel a real sense of Deja Vu. Hurtling towards her at incredibly dangerous speeds.

>>58161929
Ooh, does this hive contain the shrine for which they received a coupon?

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>>58161929
They didn't put their names on 'em

Fuck me, I gotta go wrangle tards, I'm out. Glad to see you back anyway, Shoggy.

>>58162147
Serpentine, friend! Don't let them hit you with airborne poo!

>>58162147
Corv?

Please let Step 1 of Sarge's plan be "Aquire DTU."

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>>58162226
Close.

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>>58159093
By God The Emails,
THEY WORKED!!!!

>>58162265
Oh shit you got the job?

>>58162281
Yeah. Been working there for like 2 months now. Really gotta get off now, though.

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>>58161929

>>58162296
Good luck man.

Went for snacks while I wait, came back to find firefox had killed itself.
Nice.

>>58162369
Should have lit some incense and applied the sacred oils before leaving.

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>>58162393
I had none on hand at the time.
However a swift application of The Rite of Percussive Maintenance and a few clicks brought me back.

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>>58161929

That truck served us well over the next few days, the flier, well… It'd occurred to us that there was a bit more ground traffic on the planet than was normal, but we'd put that down to local custom or whatever. It never occurred to us that there was an actual legitimate reason until Tink reached the edge of Jack Hive and saw how much bigger that little dust storm had gotten since we'd driven through on the way back from the mission. I mean, none of us were desert worlders, we'd thought the giant force-shields over all the Hives had been for orbital defense or something… What sort of messed up planet has sandstorms that cover whole continents? And why would anyone ever build hives on one? We asked some of the locals, but all we ever got was some bullshit about planetary ecology and Rogue Traders working in mysterious ways.

Anyway, we'd already decided it'd be for the best if we left Jack Hive, so we wound up just hawking the flier instead of trying to figure out how to transport it via ground or armored shuttle. Of course doing this required getting Nubby sobered up and at least nominally functional, which was a project all on its own. Doc made liberal use of the various anti-something-or-other pills that'd come with Ivana's stuff. They'd been handed over by a pudgy old woman who we assumed was the other team's surgeon, and had come with a detailed administration guide, but Ivana insisted she really didn't need all (or really any) of them, so we had plenty to force down Nubby's throat until the desired result was achieved. Doc hadn't exactly approved of this treatment, not that any of that "medical ethics" and "substance dependency" stuff had actually stopped him from administering the pills, he just complained a lot while doing it. Sarge promised he'd figure out a better solution, possibly involving an actual licensed therapist, once we got to our new base.

>>58162478
Nubby with a shrink.
Spin-off series incoming.

>>58162517
The shrink would go nuts first.

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>>58162478

Getting to said new base went smoothly enough, all things considered. Our exit from Jack Hive was made slightly interesting by a large number of traffic cops and Arbite patrols (suspiciously large in our opinion). Fortunately, the low-hive route Nubby's used-flier guy sent us on got us passed most of them, and the one traffic cop that did stop us didn't seem to know what to do when he encountered Ivana in the driver's seat. We heard him muttering about transvestite truckers as he stalked back to his bike.

Once on the Inter-Hive it was smooth (if a tad windy) driving to Seven, which was chosen as our destination for the simple reason that it was where the dossier said Angelica and the Secret Police were based. Admittedly, that was probably the same exact reason Sciscitat and the other team HADN'T made their bases there, but we felt they were overthinking things a bit. The place was a HIVE damnit, they're BIG, even with Bane's bullshittery we highly doubted she'd be able to keep the whole place on lockdown. The border though, and the big vehicle inspection checkpoints leading through it, that was a slightly different story; fortunately we were Highly Trained Inquisitorial agents.

Now, whatever passed for the Inquisitorial handbook probably has a whole chapter dedicated to inserting oneself into hostile territory without raising suspicion. There's got to be pages and pages about disguises, facial reconstruction, falsified identification documents, black market traffickers, and probably even more on how to covertly make contact with the local authorities. We didn't do any of that, instead we drove right up to the lane marked "military", showed the inspector and duty officer a stack of perfectly legitimate (if a bit dog-eared) papers identifying us as Guardsmen of the Generian 99th Medium Infantry, and asked to be billeted while the Administratum sorted out what to do with us.

Very sneaky.

>>58162544
Bureaucracy, both your best friend and worst enemy.
It's always a coin toss.

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>caught a live AGP thread
best feeling in the world IMO

>>58162533
I can see them kidnapping a pair of shrinks. One to treat Nubby, and one to treat him.
They'd rationalise the kidnap as " need to maintain op-sec" and ensuring that the therapy continues for as long as needed.

>>58162544
>perfectly legitimate (if a bit dog-eared) papers identifying us as Guardsmen of the Generian 99th Medium Infantry
Um, Angelica knows who they are - they used those IDs when she was their interrogator. This is going to go VERY badly.

>>58162544
>TROOPS UNDER ATTACK

Premonitions...

>>58162580
It's so over it's covert.

>>58162544
Hiding in plain sight. I like it!

>>58162544
How did they explain Ivana? Also are Fringer and Torso priest with them, or is it just the nuttier-than-usual (and considering your average Sister of Battle, that’s saying something) Sororita?

>>58162595
Overt, bah.
Thanks Obama.

>>58162580
Friend, this is the AGP. FUBAR was invented just to describe how gloriously screwed our brave heroes are every single day.
Something will go wrong, and our boys will prevail by virtue of Twitch's grenades and even more explosives

>>58162601
I think the "Sororita" was Ivanka in sister armor

>>58162580
The stupidity feild of this plan will short out normal sense and protect them. Only another equally incompetent team would see through this clever plan.

So, I'm kinda new.

The thot is a former interrogator boss of theirs that went rogue/heretic, right? And the BIGGUY is another Inquisitor, one whose based on James Bond and has a probability warping field.

Why are they out to kill them?

>>58162580
She didn’t expect to see them at the Hive, nor did she expect them to quite literally fly a van across a giant pit and chase her down with it. She may be experienced with them, but she obiviously hasn’t come to terms with how simplistically effective they truely are.

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>>58162544

We could almost hear the various people who'd futilely tried to instill Inquisitorial professionalism into us sighing and rolling their eyes as we were processed through the checkpoint and escorted to the third-largest PDF base in the Hive. They weren't guardsmen though, they didn't understand the colossal inefficiency, inflexibility, and general incompetency that was the Departmento Munitorum (well, at least when applied to any problem smaller than planetary invasion). There were stories of entire misplaced regiments who'd settled, started families, died of old age, and passed into local legend before their reassignment orders came through. At which point they were presumably dug up by their descendents and shipped off to the front, much to the exasperation of whichever Lord General was running the operation, not to mention the poor grunts holding out for reinforcements.

The point is that we probably had a good year or seven before anyone from Administratum noticed our unexpected resurrection, and while the locals might be a bit more on-the-ball, they were also a lot easier to mislead, confuse, bully, and bribe. Add to that we were Real Guardsmen, with the scars and war stories to prove it, and, well… By the end of the day we had our very own barracks, with attached motor-pool, plus a stack of chitties for the base mess, several sets of insignialess Haarlockian PDF fatigues, and even an advance on our first week's pay. Certain people were in favor of putting in for the years of backpay we theoretically had coming too, and maybe some travel comp if Tink could fabricate the proper docs, but Sarge ruled it was better to quit while we were ahead. It wasn't like we really needed the money anyway, between the flier, several miscellaneous items our former teammates hadn't really needed, and a few small shiny objects that'd fallen into Nubby's pockets while we'd been in the Crime Lord's little art museum, we had the budget situation fairly well covered.

>>58162580
Their tactics are too subtle for The Bitch to comprehend.

>>58162627
I know, that’s why I asked how they explained her presence, considering she is both with them and most definitely not a Guardswoman.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck I can't believe I caught this live.

Shoggy you're the best

>>58162633
Boyo, the best thing you could do is go and read the whole thing.

https://1d4chan.org/wiki/All_Guardsmen_Party

Nobody here except Shoggy himself could do it any justice. it must be EXPERIENCED.

>>58162633
www dot theallguardsmenparty dot com

Read the rest of the series. Get yourself up to speed

>>58162647
>most definitely not a Guardswoman.
She sounds like she could pass for one easily

>>58162633
Go to 1d4chan and find the All Guardsmen Party archives. See you in a couple of days when youre done reading.

>>58162601
We put her down as an Auxiliary, a wonderful title which can cover everything up to and including xeno mega-fauna, imaginary friends, rogue planetoids, and Bob (who was there too).

>>58162676
Sexy.

>>58162676
Does that include Eldar Waifus?

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>>58162676
For fuck's sake, Shoggy, the wife's trying to sleep!

>>58162698
It nearly did, but they screwed that up

my most common thought is that every mission the AGP are sent on gets solved in a "Cutting through Gidion's Knot" manner, while everyone else is trying to untie the knot in a way that doesn't result in more than one pieces of rope...

>>58162698
No, they have another titles for those.
*BLAM*

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>>58162636

On the note of our quartermaster, once we'd settled Doc put his foot down and refused to give Nubby any more Inquisition-strength anti-crazy pills. At least until he could find a list of their side effects, not to mention some actual dosage recommendations; he hadn't much liked the zombie-ish way the little trooper had been shuffling along the last few days. Sarge promised the medic that once Nubby had come fully down, they'd have a heart-to-heart about the whole "girlfriend" thing. Unfortunately, the noncom got a bit distracted with all his newfound Inquisitorial duties, and by the time he actually got around to it the little trooper had vanished.

A few hours of frantic searching turned Nubby up in a base-adjacent watering hole, regaling an entire bar full of PDF troopers with a thoroughly classified tale of heartbreak and woe. Fortunately for the little idiot's life it was Doc and Twitch who found him, not Sarge, and none of the troopers seemed to actually believe any of his "my hot Inquisitor girlfriend left me for the galaxy's most annoying secret agent" bullshit. Doc and Twitch quietly paid his tab and dragged his drunkenly-protesting ass out the door before he violated operational security any further. Once back at base, he was tied to a chair, sobered up, and given The Talk.

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>>58162676
Wait, who or what is Bob?

>>58162676
>Auxiliary xeno mega-fauna

>"No, Nubby. I don't care if it did 'follow you home', you are NOT having a pet Squiggoth!"

>>58162725
A really, really old webcomic joke from the guy who wrote the Martian.

http://galactanet.com/comic/view.php?strip=517

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>>58162717
>The Talk

Hoooooboy.

>>58162717
Tell me, were the puppets involved?

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>>58162728
>Nubby Nicks a Squiggoth from Orkz
>turns out all he had to do was paint himself green, tell the Guards that the nonexistent Dok “Dakka McGreenskin” wanted to use it for something, and avoid getting kicked on the way out.

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>>58162756
>Tell me, were the puppets involved?

Shoggy. Just so you know, I've been waiting for this thread for a long time. /tg/ is a brighter place becauce of your storytimes.

>>58162749
And here I thought it was a Titan AE reference; am not disappointed

>>58162419
I'm drunk and what is this translated too?

>>58162792
the darth plageas the wise copypasta

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>>58162717

This was not your usual The Talk. It did start that way, with the typical "she was using you", "you've got to move on", and "it was never really like that", the problem is that that last one isn't supposed to be quite so literal. Yes, he did spend a lot of time with her and had been "given" quite a few mementos to remember her by, but those were more grounds for a restraining order than a deep heartfelt a relationship. And then there were the weeks of one-sided conversation with her while she was medically paralyzed next to him in the medbay, and the similarly one-sided pen pal relationship afterwards… Sarge and Doc both tried, but they had to keep stopping to go and alternatively laugh and swear at the perversity of it all.

It was draining, it was frustrating. Doc was about ready to go back to the pills (and possibly grab a few for himself), and Sarge was considering the merits of locking the idiot up in the brig for the rest of the mission, but eventually they got through to him. Except by they, I mean Twitch and Ivana, who shelved the whole "love" issue in favor of focusing on Angelica's newfound relationship with Bane, and to an, um, unexpectedly detailed degree. The end result was… well… acceptable. Simmering betrayed rage (at least insofar as Nubby was capable of that emotion), WAS an improvement over drunken, heartbroken sobbing after all. Even if it did come along with frequent rants about how nobody could ever compare someone as unquestionably lesser as Bane Johns to such an upstanding individual as Nubby Nubbs, valiant Hero of the Imperium and all around Nice Guy…

We took what we could get, there was shit to do and people to kill.

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>>58162772
I second that emotion

>>58162792
Woody's got wood

>>58162676
>imaginary friends
You mean demons right? Also shoot the bastard for clearly being a dick nuts psyker

>>58162795
Oi, you killed the fun.

>>58162801
Hell hath no fury like a Gretchin scorned.

>>58162676
>and Bob (who was there too)
Now that's something I never thought I'd see referenced again, don't go making me feel too old there shoggy

>>58162801
>in favor of focusing on Angelica's newfound relationship with Bane, and to an, um, unexpectedly detailed degree

So they described in graphic detail how his ruggedness was fucking her every night, her body glove gripping his power drill like a sheath?

Not to detract from this great tale, but I just started reading Love and Krieg.
Neat stuff.

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I want to see how the Rupert fits into all of this, he seemed like a pro-Oak guy.

>>58162880
The Rupert and Batman would swoop in to save our favorite Guardsmen like the complete bros that they are.

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>>58162801

First thing first, we needed a plan with less ??? in it, and for that we needed Intel. Problem was, intelligence gathering wasn't exactly our strong suit, it's what we'd always had all those Adepts for after all. Still though, given some of those adepts (not to mention Interrogators and Inquisitors), we figured it couldn't be TOO hard, right?

To start with, Sarge went to have a chat with his PDF counterparts, especially the salty old bastards at the training compound a few levels down-hive from our home base. It's a little-known fact outside the Guard, but soldiers are quite possibly the biggest gossips you'll ever find. Washerwomen, barmaids, and upper-crust socialites have nothing on a squad of bored troopers on work detail or lounging around their barracks with nothing to do. Want to make a juicy secret public knowledge? Mention it within earshot of one of those expressionless, easily ignorable gate-guards, and every trooper in regiment will know it by next chow call. It's a widely believed fact that the military grapevine can actually outpace the Astra Telepathica, if the story's good enough that is. NCO's are no exception to this rule, in fact they're the ones with the juiciest tidbits, it's just a matter of getting them talking. Sarge could do this, easily; the real challenge was getting them to shut up again once they got going.

>>58162891
Ah, reminds me of my ol' Army days... good times

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>>5816289

Now, it's been said that, the military grapevine can actually outpace the Astra Telepathica. If the story's good enough that is, which is where the problem lies for Inquisitorial types. Secret heretic cabals, shadowy puppet masters, and secessionist plots don't qualify as "interesting" , at least not according your average grunt. If Sarge had gone in there trying to get info on Angelica and her Conspiracy buddies he'd have struck out (well, maybe not if one of them had seen her in person, but even then it wouldn't be her nefarious plots or political maneuvering that they'd be talking about). Fortunately though, our other target just so happened to be Bane Johns, self-styled Interplanetary Man of Mystery, and just about the least subtle person this side of the Eye of Terror.

Sarge didn't even have to try: the second story he heard was about someone gunning down an entire underhive street-racing ring for stealing his car, finding out it had actually been towed, and somehow winding up sleeping with the daughter(s) of the hive's Traffic Control Coordinator. All while blind drunk. The third, sixth, and eight stories were all Bane too, and it didn't take long to find out there was actually a celebrity tabloid dedicated entirely to him. It was honestly sort of sad, especially when Sarge realized he'd seen the tabloid on sale weeks ago. It definitely raised the question of what the hell Sciscitat and his minions had been doing all this time. (I mean, how do you just ignore something like "Gas attack on planetary rare metal reserve! Business mogul thrown from private flier! Deadly hat attacks! Famous aerobatics ace falls in love! You'll never guess what these four things have in common!")

>>58162891
>http://galactanet.com/comic/view.php?strip=517

Which is another reason why Angelica will soon know of their presence.

>>58162933

And that Bane will soon drop in on them to have a drink.

>Business mogul thrown from private flier!
A man of culture.

>>58162889
Bringing the full fury of the Gery Knights no doubt, he must know their Chapter master (obviously).

>>58162933
Just think, this whole time they could have been calling in every Culexus assassin in the Segmentum if they had only realized a bit sooner.

>>58162973
Know him? He's probably related to him in some distant manner!

Man this situation is seriously fucked, and I look forward to the madness that resolving it is going to cause. As ever, Thank you Shoggy for sharing this with us.

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>>58162933

It didn't take long for Sarge to pinpoint the general region Bane called home, get in touch with the PDF and hive police forces that patrolled the area, and ask them some pertinent questions. By the end of two weeks we knew everything about the man's location, habits, and relation with the locals to plan our hit, at least as far as Bane was concerned. Angelica, and the variably-lengthed leash she kept the man on were a whole nother matter.

Sarge did try, and even pushed the more easy-going of his new NCO buddies for info on the Secret Police, but there were limits to what even the drunkest of Drill Sergeants will talk about. Tink had a bit more luck digging through the PDF's poorly secured com records, at least finding some Persons Of Interest files describing Sciscitat (in oddly high detail), as well as most of our former teammates and seven "rogue Inquisitorial Stormtroopers". It was a bit offensive to be lumped in like that, we'd have thought Angelica at least would've remembered us better. Nubby was the only one who even rated a description, and that was just: "a horrid-smelling Ratling, steals underwear". Tink did find some more accurate POI notices coming from the Arbites though, but they described us as Guard Deserters, which we very provably weren't. In any case, Sarge kept working his new beer buds for every scrap of info they'd part with, and the rest of us got our shit together for a good ol' fashioned Strike.

While Sarge sarged with the sarges, Nubby (once he'd been sorted out), did his usual thing. Within a worryingly short amount of time he was wheeling and dealing out of an under-utilized storage shed and steadily expanding both our budget and the list of Guys he Knew. The information he got as part of the process was a tad dubious, and the rest of us weren't quite sure if it was worth all the arguments with the base MPs, but all was forgiven when he finally got in touch with a certain corruptible quartermaster over in the armory.

>>58162995
>"a horrid-smelling Ratling, steals underwear"
Heh.
Does he have a wall of the things?

>>58162995
>It was a bit offensive to be lumped in like that, we'd have thought Angelica at least would've remembered us better. Nubby was the only one who even rated a description, and that was just: "a horrid-smelling Ratling, steals underwear".
She’s probably repressed the memories of them due to how traumatizing they are, not the least of which is her Weeks long voyage in the medbay with Nubby.

>>58160952
>The spoopy poker room
Do non allies get seats? Space Marine got one, but he was with the party

>>58162937
You are once again overestimating the enemy’s resources. Putting aside the papers they gave the administratum will be shifting from inbox to inbox for weeks if not months before the first damn background check, how is a little rumor sleuthing going to get them caught?
>So the new drill sargeant just asked us if we’d seen any particularly hot women recently....
Oh my god it’s Interigator Greg Sergeant it’s the only explanation!

>>58162995
>steals underwear"
How many times do you have to do this to go from 'stole underwear like twice' to 'steals underwear'?

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>>58162995

Twitch practically cried when he cracked open the first crates (plural) of detpacks, mines, razorwire, grenades, other types of grenades, and assorted anti-armor ordinance. The rest of us were a bit more interested in the box containing half a dozen excellent-quality Hotshot Lasguns (with full attachments) and a nice standard, Guard-issue, hopefully machine-spirit-free, Plasma Gun. Tink's modified Astartes weapon was gleefully tossed into the nearest trashcan, which immediately caught fire. He was less happy when Sarge made him put out the trash fire, fish the gun back out, and then strip his modifications and get the thing re-consecrated. Y'know, just in case any Space Marines came asking for it for later. There was probably a limit to how much Astartes wargear we could "misplace" after all.

Anyway, once Twitch was resupplied, the ensuing frenzy of fortification was everything we'd wanted over the weeks in that damn hab. It did wonders for our relations with the Military Police too: just one little incident was all it took for them to decide they'd rather submit politely worded notes via post instead of banging on our door in the middle of the night. Of course, there were some raised eyebrows up in the local brass, but a little extra fortification is far from the oddest thing a visiting guard regiment has done (especially if you include feral-world regiments or Ogryns), so they didn't kick up too much fuss and Sarge got them sorted in exchange for a promise not to extend the perimeter any farther. As for the one particularly annoying PDF Commissar who started poking his nose where it wasn't welcome (possibly for the same Nubby-related reasons the MPs had been), a short chat with Twitch and our "Valhallan Auxiliary" convinced him he really didn't want any part of our craziness. In fact, he seemed firmly convinced we should be kept as far away from his troops as possible, just in case we were contagious or something.

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>>58161929

>operation "Kill Our Old Bosses"

literally 5000 hours in paint

hopefully this isnt too late

>>58163082
Nice work anon

>>58163063
Pretty sure he did not see them as allies. Emps prolly sent his soul there for proper guardsmen training and what to do when a tyrant is bearing down on you.

>>58163082
Needs Inquisinerd Sciscatat and an angry techpriest.

>>58163102
It's strongly advised not to let onself get killed within a light-year of the Occurrence Border period, regardless of one's standing with the Emperor.

>>58163082
Neat!

>>58163063
I recall a few Chaos worshipers that got killed in proximity to them popping up at least once in there.

Out of curiosity shoggy, if you've pre-written these before posting, is there something specific you're doing inbetween posting each chunk or are you just waiting a few minutes each time for thread pacing? Just wondering.

>>58163153
He's proofreading, he has an alcohol problem and wrote these while on a bender

>>58163153
He’s fetching pictures and final proof reads. And you know, waiting for the damn spam timer and fiddling with the captcha which for him must be seven layers strong by now!

>>58163071
What I meant was that she must have told the secret police, "If a band of scruffy Guard-types turn up (one burly and dour, one innocent and red-faced, one insane and heavily armed, and one half-sized walking trash fire), tell me at once. Two of their names are Sargent and Nubbs."

And then they walk through the hive cordon and into a PDF base under their own names.

Not to mention that a certain Telepathica wanted poster is probably in every post office. That's actually probably where the Arbite got his description of them as deserters...

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>>58163076

Aside from a bit of cogitator work for Sarge, Tink primary job was gear prep, which included a little pet project he'd been planning for years now. See, despite not being nearly as paranoid as Twitch, our techie still embraced the old Guard motto "Have a plan to kill everyone you meet, preferably from as far away as possible". Ever since his first mission under Bane and its anticlimactically blood-free ending, he'd been idly chewing at the problem of how to deal with someone capable that level of bullshittery. Skipping over some of the more harebrained stuff, one of his more promising ideas was a way to counter all the misfires, jams, and plasma-related mishaps that plagued anyone firing a weapon in Bane's weird probability-skewing "danger zone". His solution had something to do with choosing, tuning, and using weapons in a way the provided maximum damage for minimum danger, or "Max/Min-ing the Danger Per Shot" as he put it. Honestly, none of the rest of us really followed the fine details, or understood why Tink needed so much firing range time, or so many boxes of assorted weapons (including the oldest, most used lasguns in the range's armory for some reason), but Doc assured us it was all very "scientific".

In addition to translating and mediating for Tink (especially when the techie's request for "a platoon of your slackjawed PDF yahoos to fire these guns for me" raised issues with a decidedly non-slackjawed Range Officer) Doc was put in charge of liasing with our Inquisitorial comrades. Well, more "spying on" than "liaising with", but anyone who's been an LSO can tell you it's practically the same thing.

>>58163175
Captcha pro-strat: sign out of Google in whatever browser you use to post

>>58163144
Well that's terrifying and just raises further questions.

>>58163196
>Oldest, most used lasguns
I think I can see where this is going.
And I like it.

>>58163076
>our "Valhallan Auxiliary"

Wasn't she Vostroyan?

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Bump limit, hmmmm
Delicious

>>58163236
It doesn't have to be correct to be valuable military intelligence.

>>58163236
That changed at least five times over the course of the campaign. I believe the official stat sheet said Vostroyan, but even she couldn't tell you for sure.

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>>58163169
>>58163175
Ah, ok, thanks for the info anons!

At the risk of taking what may have just been a joke seriously, Shog has my sympathies if the alcohol bit is a thing. I have the same problem with a different substance, so I've been there.

>>58163279
Welp, I really hope Sarge didn't stick his dick in that.

>>58163180
Your descriptions are vague, inaccurate (Twitch doesn’t even have any explosives because inquisitor asshat took them all) or apply to literally any PDF trooper or underhiver recruit. Just because the guy at the checkpoint was told to look for these guys doesn’t mean he’s actually trying. Or cares.

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SHOGGY

SHOOOOOOOGGYYYYY

I LOVE YOU SHOGGY

I LOVE YOU

>>58163144

>It's strongly advised not to let onself get killed within a light-year of the Occurrence Border period, regardless of one's standing with the Emperor.

Well.

That suggests that the Occurrence Border has ITS OWN AFTERLIFE, and claims souls by proximity.

Still better than Chaos, I guess...

>>58163298
Why would I lie to you

>>58163325
I did say possible joke, not lie. Much worse of such humor shows up on 4chan daily after all.

>>58163298
Nah, don't worry bout me. I wouldn't say I'm a bad drinker (more than I'm happy with given my lifestyle, and possibly for a few months last year) it just has a strong tendency to overlap with my writing time these days.

I need to get out more...