>>50529543
Go to church.

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>>50529543
Get the local peasantry involved, of course!

>>50529543
please tell me your GM doesn't actually insert his weird loli magical girl fantasies into your game

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>>50529543

You may have to co-opt them. Don't pay them to leave though, danegeld never works.

>>50529543
If you own a castle, you are likely the local lord. Thus, they are guilty of treason, and are to be executed.

If they resist, this is only proof of their perfidiousness, and you may declare war upon their kind.

Deus vult.

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>They are rude and flatchested

Go find a busty girl to pay attention to.

When they start to wonder why you haven't been trying to reclaim your castle in a while, they'll seek you out, discover your diverted attention, and in a fit of jealousy exclaim that they never wanted your castle anyway and fly off in a tsundere rage.

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>>50529648
Freaking brilliant.

>>50529648
This anon gets it.

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Is this 3.PF?

Because if so then my only answer is "haha you're screwed."

>>50529543
It may be the only remaining option is to embrace The Way of The Bounce.

>>50529590
>Our party's mage is a witch too,

>>50530142
>>50530243

Alternatively, find some curvy fertility deity, and start shrine-building all around the castle.

Eventually build up enough favor to start rebuking the smalltitzen for their interference with castle family life.
>They try to mist walk.
Gaia wrecks them.

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>>50531432
>Build shrine to Shub-Niggurath
>Loli-witches tyring to enter castle get devoured by Dark Young of the Black Goat of the Woods
'Course, now your castle's taken over by Datk Young. You probably should get rid of those somehow.

>>50529543
>witches
Suffer not the witch to live.

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>>50529543
Get the hose.

A little cold running water will show 'em who's boss.

>>50532019
Welp, time for shrines to Yog-Sothoth. That'll solve everything. Honest.

>>50532410
No need to build anything! Just grab a big banner, paint the Yellow Sign on it and raise it high for all to see!

>>50532443
Hastur would just fucking put the flattywitches right back in the castle. Then he'd leave. He'd just leave.

>>50532500
Don't you go dissin' and presumin' to know the intentions of the God of Shepherds.

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>>50529543
>he's crying about it here
We're going to melt cheese into your socks next. Get ready loser.

>>50531329

Dress her up in pink, insist that she's a "good witch." Remind them that everyone knows good witches wear pink. Your average rabble will go along with anything if an important-looking person implies you'd have to be stupid not to.

Use magic to transform them into voluptuous, scantily-clad babes. That way people will overlook the fact that they're rude and you can go broke in style.

>>50532642
>Dress her up in pink
I read this as "drink up her piss".

But I'm pretty sure if you use the word "witch", the exact opposite of anything you want is going to happen, where medieval peasants are concerned.

>>50529591
I wish my GM would do something as creative and funny as that.

>>50529543
Have you tried murder?

I pay a shrine maiden to push their shot in and tell her it's an incident.

>>50529543
>witches
NO
SUCH
THING
Even your own party member is lying to you! Witches don't exist!

>>50532642

>Arrive at castle
>All the lolis are wearing pink

>>50532746

Yeah, if they have advance warning it won't work.

>>50532836
Which they will, because loli-witches.

They're probably watching you masturbate right now.

>>50529543
Make biscuits, dress your best. Politely announce yourself at the castle and request to join them for a tea to parley. Don't bring up the topic of them moving out of the castle yet, just ask them about their plans and goals and make small talk. Actually don't raise any requests at all just yet. Just be nice and observe.

>>50532918

Make sure the biscuits are poisoned though. Just in case.

>>50532918
You're playing against genre in that case. It'll fail

>>50532948
You fail at parley.
>>50532983
By what godforsaken genre do you run by that a person bringing biscuits to a tea party would be turned down?

>>50532918
Now the follow up of this plan is to wait couple days. At least two but no more than a week. And come to parley again. You can bring one other person with you. But don't forget cookies or some pastry. Ask the witches what happened since the last time, don't make strict demands. Now they should give you more freedom to move around castle without suspecting you or trying to get in your way. So just look around estimate damages. They're probably not cleaning up, make sure to point it out, but don't expect them to start.

>>50532500
Knowing Hastur, he'd probably AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

>>50529543
How powerful is your party mage? You could set up a Glyph of Warding containing an Antimagic Field and set up some sort of lure for the witches inside a sealable cell; I'm imagining something like a setting-appropriate paddy wagon. Depending on the system (I'm going based on D&D 5e for the time being) that gives you an hour to carry them off and either dump them in a lake or at least throw them in a properly-warded prison, depending on how you and your party feel about dealing with witches. If your party mage can't cast 8th-level spells, perhaps take a portion of your fortune and use it to hire someone who can.

Giving each of them a sound spanking and a stern lecture would be another alternative.

>>50533109
>By what godforsaken genre do you run by that a person bringing biscuits to a tea party would be turned down?

The only way your plan works is if you change the genre by shooting one of the witches in the head with a giant gun.
Now you're in Hellsing land, where you can serve tea to your enemies and they'll drink it.

Without that, you're stuck running slice of life errands and resolving the witches interpersonal disputes and feelings of inadequacy.

>>50529543
Summon air elementals, throw them out again. When they try to Mist back in, blow them away.

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>>50533275
>Hellsing land
>tea and biscuits
yes we can

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>>50531283

Son, you get the idea. Now, I want you to get in your twin-engine fighter, practice your BFMs and energy conservation, and teach those Witches why BVR is God's gift to steelwings.

It's better than those Nazi deathtraps. Rockets and fuel, what were they thinking?

>>50533360
Hellsing is pure unadulterated entertainment.

I still maintain that the sexiest character in all of anime is a fucking mute shirtless Nazi officer werewolf.

>>50534177
>I still maintain that the sexiest character in all of anime is a fucking mute shirtless Nazi officer werewolf.
But are you a grill?

>>50534187
No. That's what confused me the most.

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>>50534206

>>50533109
>You fail at parley.

You fail at pest removal.

>>50529543
...Alright.

We've tried playing nice. We've tried playing naughty. /tg/ has no other choice.

SEND IN OINKBANE!

>>50534229
It's not gay if it's the Captain.

>>50534206
No one's 100% straight, anon.

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>>50534306
Forgot my image, but it doesn't matter. This just means I'm spreading my love for this magnificent badass across two posts.

>>50534306
>>50534229
>Not wanting the Major instead
What are you?

>>50534283
Subtle. Perhaps too subtle.

>>50534332
The Major is someone you want to be best friends with.

>>50534332
Anon, would you fuck a toaster?

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>>50534332
I don't know about that anon, but I like Schroedinger more because I'm a pleb like that.

>>50534349
>>50534371
The answer to both questions is in the beauty of war.

And what better war is there than LOVE?!

>>50534371
If the toaster was more human than most of the characters in the series, then maybe.

>>50534371
Remember what board you're on, homes.

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>>50534406

>>50534413
Everything that magnificent bastard said was glorious. He was just so great to listen to.

Didn't the DvD release come with his speech with one of those singalong subtitle things at the bottom in the special features?

>>50532019
>Loli-witches tyring to enter castle get devoured by Dark Young of the Black Goat of the Woods
Last I heard Shub-Niggy only "eats" shotas

>>50534521
Is there a reason "eats" is in quotes?

>>50534326
That's not even the sexiest anime Nazi. He has nothing on Stroheim

>>50534371
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xU1W5iLsgM

Yes.

>>50534551
Yes

>>50534551
You must have missed a particularly delicious doujin....

>>50534392
Police Girl!

>>50536270
Seras was a special kind of boner fuel.

Still can't compete with mein Captain.

>>50536270
With big titties!

>>50529543

Find their matriarch and complain that she raised her family to be a bunch of little shits. If she continues, have the local authorities arrest them.

Take off your shirts and assert dominance.
If that doesn't work, fool them with a childish game.
If that don't work, smoke em' out with some bad smell or a spooky item.
And as a last resort, throw your ethics out the window and kill them with your bare hands.

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keep the cutest one get rid of the rest

>>50529543

if they are of age, put a baby in them, they won't be flat chested for long

>>50536654
No anon, Yupiel keeps YOU

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>>50537112
Im okay with this

>>50529543
To understand the loli witches you have to be a loli witch first.

Time to grab a polymorph.

>>50537442
>>50537112
Is that really her name? Yuppy-el?

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>>50529543
PURGE THEM IN LIVING FLAME

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>>50537495
yep

>>50537786
That middle one, down the page a bit. You can really see it.

>>50537495
>>50537786
Is that with a short or a long U?

>>50537886
I always pronounced it You-pee-el

>>50529543
Have you considered the nuclear option?

>>50529543
You have a cleric and a paladin?

It's simple. Drink a bunch and have the cleric turn your bladder to holy water, then waltz into the DM's magical realm.

When they try to do lewd things, just whip it out and piss holy justice upon them!

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Have you considered actually stooping to their level?

Find someone that can polymorph you, become more smug than they ever could.

>>50538109
The problem, as I see it, is that they are witches and thus magical too, so anyone you find to polymorph you might actually be one of them polymorphed so you wouldn't recognize them.

There's no telling how far this conspiracy goes. They might not just be squatters in this dudes family home. They could be running the government! Maybe the local orc hordes, too. My god, they could even be behind the neighborhood princess eating dragon!

They could even be you!

>>50538191
That shouldn't be a problem for a few reasons.

>They're witches, and thus you simply don't trust anyone who wears pointy shoes
>They're smug 100% of the time. Anyone nonsmug cannot be a witch.
>They'll never take the form of someone busty, on principle. Find a big-tittied mage.

Why are you so worried about witches among you? It's silly.

>>50538319
Oh yeah, you're definitely one of them with all those lies and misdirections.

>>50538368
Well, do you have a BETTER idea, you titty monster?

>>50538393
Cast a powerful magic that removes their ability to taste sweetness for as long as they are in the mansion.

Alternately, an even better magic to give them tiddies.

>>50538393
Marry one of the witches

>>50529543

Get the other players to go in with you on a free chemical castration for your DM.

>>50538393
Have you even read up your literature? If fairy tales have proven anything it's that the natural enemy to the little girl is a hungry wolf. So either trap a few or leave some raw meat lying around the place. Put up a few signs saying "Porridge Thief Den" in case bears show up.

If this somehow turns into a sexy situation then the players are at full liberty to smack the DM in his fat mouth with a bag full of loaded dice.

>>50539014
Wait, what if they hired a druid? Assuming their druid isn't some bitch boy who turns into a puppy, that might work. Plus, the druid's capable of producing the anti-lewd bomb themselves!

>>50529543
Obviously you need to transform a party member into the alpha bitch loli and bully them into submission

>>50539014
Depending on how gothic said castle is, there's probably some sort of clan of lycanthropes nearby. Two birds, one stone.

>>50539137
No anon, said partty member will end enjoying the role too much, and they will need to stop an entire session to make the member go back to normal after learning a lesson about being humble.

>>50538467
Take the rest of the surrounding kingdom, and push it somewhere else.

OP here. I have a cunning plan to fool them, will lace cake with laxatives and hope for the best, I feel like there's got to be a ritual spell somewhere that prevents teleporting into an area. Maybe I can get out of the way long enough.

I'll also try paying more attention to our party's witch than to them, but they might just pull more mean pranks on her.

Also, to clarify, they are not lolis, just short and flatchested. Apparently they all take after their grandmother, who was friends with my PC's grandfather, who invited her and her offspring to come over any time. If they were lolis I could maybe find an orphanage catering to magically gifted children or something.

>>50529543
You need Esme Weatherwax.

>>50539285
>I feel like there's got to be a ritual spell somewhere that prevents teleporting into an area
There's not.

>>50539333
What, we need someone to walk in and hit them with a broom, shoo them out of the castle, and tell them to get jobs instead of being layabouts?

Feels like anyone could do that.

Tell them you just need to do your ironing and if you can use their chests to do it.

Either that or Exterminatus I'm afraid

>>50539285
You're overthinking things. Just tell them that there's another castle nearby with aloof sparkle vampires with tragic pasts and wounded souls in need of tender rehabilitation, which also has a convenient nearby werewolf pack who transform into gorgeous young muscle men who have ripped all their shirts during full moons leaving their rippling abs permanently exposed

Then just make sure you've dug a very large pit trap lined with spikes at the front gate. When they're done with the whole lemming routine be sure to pour in several gallons of oil and then toss in a torch. Before you fill in the pit be sure to dump in a bunch of salt and holy symbols so you don't end up with a bunch of annoying short witch ghosts loafing about.

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>>50529543
Ask to be invited to join their tea parties and have some quality time with them. Bring cakes, that is something they can't resist.

>>50539352
Who else but Granny could make it stick?

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>>50539490
If you can't beat them, join them.

>>50539516
>tfw you will never be the hulking Barbarian brute having tea in his windswept grimdark palace with a bunch of short, smug witches.

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>>50532632

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>>50529543
Just get your butler Gohda to buy some tiny food bombs and leave them next to the sugar and everything will turn out fine. Trust me, nothing will go wrong. Or just hire Ronove. Everyone knows gay butlers scare witches away

>>50539495
Is it worth the risk that she might turn her acerbic appraisal on you? Surely the PCs have done something wrong or failed to live up to their potential in some way. They may be trading one problem for a worse one.

>>50539348

AD&D has rules for securing a building against scrying and teleport.

>>50539576

Yeah, but if Granny Weatherwax gives you a drubbing, you can at least be sure it was well-deserved, and a sincere apology and attempt to rectify things will make her leave you be..

>>50536284
and don't forget the cannon. Bitches love cannons.

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>>50539915
Damn straight.

>>50539646
You're being too optimistic. If you screw up your Sincerity Check or, worse, roll a Nat 1 you are so royally screwed.

>>50538191
>My god, they could even be behind the neighborhood princess eating dragon!
I think I've been around wrong places in the internet for too long, since I read that as "neighbourhood princess eating a dragon" rather than "neighborhood princess-eating dragon". Although that would sound like something witches would be responsible for.

>>50537786
>>50537442
What is she from?

The way I see it, it's a rock-paper-scissors game. Smug not!loli witches [bully] > Shota wizards [cute] > Busty Sorceresses [smug overdrive] > Smug not!loli witches.

You need to find a Busty Sorceress who derives her smugness from how smug the witches are to beat them. But you'll need your witch to bully a shota wizard into being backup in case she gets out of control. Just don't let the other witches catch wind of your shota wizard, otherwise he'll be wearing a maid outfit and serving tea before he can get an incantation started.

The alternative is to play the "ok playtimes over, someone has to clean the house and it's either you or me" then while you're cleaning the keep (Smug witches are allergic to house-chores) put barriers up that disallow witches (or their familiars) to pass.

>>50529543
Just start insulting them and make them not want to stay.

"You're so flat, you make the walls feel jealous!"

>>50529543
The cock, nothing beats the cock

Tell them to get a job if they want to stay to cover their expenses and give you a 20% cut in addition to paying rent. Barter as low as 10% and permit them to convert one of the rooms into a tea parlor. No demonic summong circles allowed and no pets. A single familiar may be permitted but needs to be cleared by you first.

Boom, your family castle now has a trope of smug witches bringing in the dosh doing readings, enchantments and spells for hire. Bonus you obviously now have someone who can do your own enchanting if needed.

>>50532686
Take a cold shower, anon

>>50542331
The problem is you don't have a bargaining stance. They have all the cards. I would say try a silly riddle on them and then use the blackmail from the resulting embarrassment as that bargaining chip.

>>50540320
Witches can, don't forget evil impotency cock magic.

>“Besides, since impotency in this act is sometimes due to coldness of nature, or some natural defect, it is asked how it is possible to distinguish whether it is due to witchcraft of not. Hostiensis gives the answer in his Summa (but this must not be publicly preached): When the member is in no way stirred, and can never perform the act of coition, this is a sign of frigidity of nature; but when it is stirred and becomes erect, but yet cannot perform, it is a sign of witchcraft.”

>>50534579
i agree, but to be fair thats an unflatering angle of him.

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>>50529543

Alright, gonna need more info; do the witches belong to a coven of sorts, and do they have leaders that can be talked to? Have you considered that this is the GM/DM's way of making you go on a quest, perhaps in the form of asking to do a favor for the witches in exchange for your castle back more or less (or at least going easier on your treasury's funds), or maybe doing some other quests to raise your treasury's funds?

It's all a ruse, witches don't exist, anon.

Tell your palabro that he gets a free ticket to gather up some more palabros to go full deus vult in your family's castle so long as they agree not to do too much damage.

>>50540143
Yupiel-sama no Geboku

>>50529543
Have you ever considered using True Creation to create some substance they dislike yet is easy to clean up? Or possibly buying disquieting amounts of lube from the local Giant-Mart.

Also, I'm sure wasting a Wish on making them all have great big stonking tits can't backfire.

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Do not suffer the witches to live.
You already know what your duty is, Anon.

>>50529543
>A tribe
Don't you mean circle?

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>>50529543
Rape them.

>>50533109
>You fail at parley.
>Not having delicious murder cakes
Its like you don't even understand decadence.

>>50546277
He's not into flatties and doesn't have easy access to polymorph/wish/miracle apparently.

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>>50539958
Wew, Lad. This is a blue board.

>>50546348
>not into dfc

See, this is his real problem.

>>50529543
Besides the whole witch-burning thing, has anyone suggest the solution, to make them your own sex-slaves?

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>>50534392
Ah yes... the why boner!
Almost on par with Bridget

>>50546471
What about Yoichi ?

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>>50546501
>Yoichi
Don't talk shit about the superior bow_man_

>>50546501
>Not Hideyoshi

>>50532854
H-hot

>>50546348
A man must make sacrifaces for his lineage's castle.

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Counter them with your own band of short, smug, washboard-flat paladin girls.

>>50529543
Go full murderhobo

>>50529543
>a tribe of smug loli witches take over your castle and keep pissing your cash on tea and cakes, what do?
that sucks brah, next time don't put all your damn cash in a single place.

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>>50548797
You. I like you.

>>50546415
Basically this

>>50534579
God, I want to fight alongside stroheim to destroy some world spanning menace like invading bugs so bad.
SO BAD.

>>50550401
>stroheim to destroy some world spanning menace like invading bugs
Well, he died fighting Russians, so he sorta already did that one

>>50538109
This.
Smug lolis only respect smugger, cuter lolis.
It'll help if you have bigger tits too. Fully establish your position as the alpha.

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>>50550566
>implying russians are anywhere near the same thing as bugs
Like, I really want to fight russians too, but for different reasons.

>>50550658
>inhuman monsters that feel no pain and defeat their enemies by sheer weight of numbers
I fail to see the difference

>>50551667
Bugs don't have combat bears, tesla cannons, and sick soundtracks anon.
You gotta appreciate enemy variance.

>>50551694
Ackshully, I'm pretty sure zerg had all of those

>>50551958
no, they had like ultralisks and shit.

I appreciate the difference between zombies and bugs, and bugs and russians.

Start a DnD campaign, they're probably more well behaved than those fegs on /tg/.

>>50529543
I anonymously warn my GM's employer that he might be a pedophile and that they should keep an eye out on his social media. They'll immediately see some shitty smug anime girl as his facebook avatar and he'll be out of income to fuel future game nights, saving a handful of future other players from the GM's autistic fetishes.

>>50552324

Why must you crush the man's(?) totally not-sexual dreams?

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>>50552324
>Introduce what may or may not be the GM's fetish in a game, for what is clearly his own amusement
>Ruin his fucking career

>>50552430
SJW logic. "I don't like the thing you do therefore I must ruin your life."

>>50552714
That's not exclusive to SJWs.

>>50552993
Not even remotely, but hey, try to not rock the poor babby's worldview too much, it might force him to actually think.

>>50540253
I don't see how the Shota wizards [cute] beats Busty Sorceresses. As far as I'm aware the preponderance of evidence points to the reverse. Makes me wonder how Shota wizards even manage to survive in the wild.

>>50554259
They don't, they're all pets to bara paladins or busty sorceresses.

>>50551694

>he doesn't know about Radio Free Zerg

>>50554925
god, I fucking miss the overmind.
It was so great.

>>50529543
DEPLOY DICK

>>50546649
Hideyoshi is a bestie.

>>50554259
The only weakness of a Shota Wizard (with preptime) is bullying. Busty Sorceress' maternal instincts kick in and give the Shota Wizard a chance to cast. As always though Suprise > rock-paper-scissors dynamic (and when's the last time a Shota Wizard wasn't caught by surprise by a Busty Sorceress?).

You are correct that a once a Busty Sorceress' [smug overdrive] upgrades into [ara ara] she can't be beaten by Shota Wizards of any level. And it takes a purpose built Smug Not!Loli Witch who's taken the [brat] ability instead of upgrading [bully] in order to counter. (to be honest, I can't help but feel like the Busty Sorceress archetype is a bit overpowered).

>>50529543
Have you tried luring them out with a tea party, then running inside and locking the doors?

>>50557755
Or better yet, challenge them to a game. Whoever throws the best outdoor teaparty wins the keep... then when they leave to partake in your teaparty, run inside and lock the doors/gates.

Proceed to jeer and bully them from the battlements.

>>50540253
What about smug shota wizards?

>>50557680
I mean, once you get to this point it isn't exactly a rock > paper > scissors >rock situation at all, is it?

>>50552017
>all mindlessly rush their enemies and win by overwhelming numbers/desolating all in their wake
I still fail to see any difference

>>50529543
Kill them.

They are useless.

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>>50529543
Oh silly anon, dont you know that Loli witches are powerless against you if your witch turns the rest of your party also into loli adventurers?

>>50552035
>>50552402
>namefagging for no reason

Certainly better behaved than you.

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>>50534128

>>50562932
Get out of here, Young. Don't you have a redhead to bonk?

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>>50529543
The cold's gonna bother them anyway. Why not make winter come a little sooner, give them less time to brace themselves?

And if your party's mages can't cast wide-field ice magic, why not hire someone who can?

The weather outside will be frightful, but the looks on their faces will be so delightful.

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>>50563075
Minna was a mistake

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>>50529543
>I'm at my wit's end, they're spending our party treasury on expensive tea and party cakes and we can't afford to sustain their lifestyle, what should I do? This castle has been in my PC's family for hundreds of years, I can't just give it up.

So you basically have a 2hu infestation.

Everyone suggesting "Bounce" tactics has the right idea, but in addition you need the right bouncer. (Picture related.) The more bugfuck insane, the better. Fight fire... with fire.

>>50562241
then you're pretty boring and reductionist, anon.

>>50546415
We got there, /tg/. May not be first post but it sure is best post.

>>50534177
>not the teleporting nazi cat shota