Now for those of you who don’t know who I am or frankly could care less but wonder about my choice of picture in the upper left hand corner of the original post (and perhaps posts to follow), understand that I place such a character (One Augustus Sinclair of Bioshock 2) for reference to approximate the tone and timbre of my voice. If it helps to read along in such a voice, at least internally, please do so. If not, I recommend you find words that fit your own imagination so that it may make the following a far less troublesome read.

This story takes place some years ago, during the one and only time I managed to play through a game of Dark Heresy Ascension. The game is noteworthy because it featured unique characters played by friends of mine, and I can recollect the important details of it still do this day. I ask you to set your way-back machine to some-time mid to early twenty and twelve, in that part of summer where gnats follow your every step (or in my case shuffle) and the days are ever so long.

There was an opening at the local game store for capable adventurers to join a mighty adventure in Dark Heresy: Ascension. Seeing as I had no game to attend at the time and several of my friends were quite interested in trying Ascension after playing so very much Dark Heresy, Pathfinder, and so on, we signed the sheet and awaited contact by our DM. I have learned since that if you sign up for a game at the local game store and the DM responds within 3 hours, you may be in for quite a ride.

I didn’t think that we would be in trouble from the get-go, the sign-up sheet was hand-written and with such delicate handwriting that I perhaps thought we might have ourselves a true artist or at least someone with extraordinary control as our DM and that perhaps is a better sign that a sheet stained with the grease common to the digits of what some would call a “neckbeard”. What followed was strange though, I received a text and then a delightful phone call from what appeared to be a rather nice lady inviting me to a game of Dark Heresy, furthermore I was invited into her home for this game and I found myself pleased at the potential of gaming not in the screaming den of adolescence that marks the local game store during summer hours. I also want to say with regret from perspective that perhaps if I had played at the local game store I might have been able to spend more time with a certain Justin (known in some circles as JewWario) prior to him tragically taking his life in 2014. He was a good man, and quite kind to all who he encountered. I know it’s strange at this juncture in the story to write a kind word for a fallen dork such as he, but I suppose that’s how stream of consciousness works. I’ll talk more about him later if you all should wish or find it interesting, I just think it important to remember who you can while you’re able, before it gets lost in the sea of faces that is life.

Now, I was not the only person invited to the Dark Heresy: Ascension game. My friend Tex (Who had earned his name, not self-applied it like so many) had been invited, as had two others on the sign up sheet. IT appears we had a DM of ‘taste’, in a way where only four had made the cut out of twelve or so applying. That’s fine with me as I’m certain you all have had experiences with DMs that like to invite everyone who signed up and then attempt to run a game between twelve people and two tables. An admirable attempt worth of Gygax, but certainly not the sort of thing a modern DM would succeed at.

I spoke to my friend Tex, whom I realize I have regretfully not kept regular tabs upon. Not from a lack of trying mind, he’s just awfully secretive in nature and I have since moved across the country to be closer to family. Back to the point though, I spoke to my friend Tex about the coming game and asked him what sort of character he had dreamed up for an ascension game. He said that he would gladly place a Magos of the Adeptus Mechanicus if given the chance, and I understood such a calling. I found myself gravitating toward the role of a Judge, already having a well-established Arbitrator who was skilled in melee combat and amazingly not completely insane. Tex, being one of those few people who is in fact hilariously accurate when it comes to judging character stated that he in fact knew the two people who would be accompanying us. Tex, in his lovable, if paranoid nature had also discovered facts about the DM and where we were to meet.

You know those sorts of people that always have an escape plan, and or a means by which to extricate themselves from any position, place, or vehicle at any given time? That is Tex. His mind is one of those wonderfully complex things that is always ticking away, calculating every possible angle and seemingly never to rest judging by the deep and dark circles which persist under his eyes. It is my evaluation that had he been born sometime in the middle of the previous century he would easily have been snagged to work for RAND or one of the other major think tanks so eagerly engaged in calculating the destruction of humanity down to the very last Mega Death. Tex informed me that the DM was a former Marine, approximately thirty-five years old, owned a home on the south-side of town, and was also the local “Captain” of some starship in some sort of larger federation of other starship captains. Tex informed me that this person often wore the uniform of a captain in said fandom, and that she preferred the address of captain. I asked Tex what her rank was in the Corps, just to contrast relative levels of responsibility between one’s actual station and trust in life versus the fantasy one chose to live. Tex said he’d get back to me. A text fifteen minutes later said “No more than E-4. Deployed to Iraqistan twice”. Tex always called the sandbox Iraqistan, namely because those deployed to one often enough were redeployed to another as some sort of contrast between desert landscapes.

I asked Tex who we were playing with, and he knew the people by reputation but not in practice and therefore told me that the intelligence he had procured was perhaps not entirely accurate or to be trusted. As it turns out though, like many things he suggested, the initial judgement was quite correct. The two were a strange pair of ladies from the local college, the sort who wear fox-tails tucked into the back of designer blue jeans and wear the little ears on some sort of tiara about their head. I’m not trying to be judgmental toward someone’s identity as I know fully we are all animals of one sort or another in private. However, I realize fully I may be the sort of person who sees things in an old fashioned way where you do your best to look nice in public, bathe regularly, and are polite. Maybe I am just a shameless conformist that combs his hair in ways that will not startle your children nor reject the average tastes of a society in which I steep myself for the sake of being counter-culture. Maybe I just don’t get why somebody would identify as a Fox person. Maybe I’m just getting old and am a relic of older times. Tex informed me that they were in modest terms “probably acceptable, but oddballs” and I accepted his judgement. As it turns out in life, I had played before with far stranger creatures wearing the skin of seemingly normal people. Beware books with pristine covers folks.

So, We received a time and date of meeting and a place to be. Tex picked me up to save me the troublesome task of driving in summer traffic. He had one of those great old Mercedes which he had taken fastidious care of. It had something like two hundred and eighty thousand miles on it when I saw it last, and the leather was still clean and soft. He drove like a mad bastard, and the several tons of German war machine (as he called it) was a comfortable means by which to reach an unfamiliar place. We pulled up in front of one of those houses that appears storybook perfect. The lawns were neat, the path to the home was laid in careful flagstones and the fence was well mended, painted, and straight. There were little patriotic motifs spread around the mailbox which itself was an American flag. Having served my country and lost a limb in said “service” (though I say driving a truck from point A to point B is hardly what I’d call important), and having my hand shook violently by all sorts of strange people for it, I must admit I find such patriotism bothersome. Don’t get me wrong, I do not hate my country but I really must question anyone who waves a flag on a daily basis without ever having really questioned what it means.

As Tex reminded me at this juncture, the lady of the house was in fact someone who had served her country. He pointed out that maybe I was just a bitter cuss because I do not at all like people trying to thank me for something they do not understand, feeling much like the plumber being overly-tipped because I had walked through someone else’s waste. Tex helped me out of the car (sitting for prolonged periods of time will adjust my prosthesis in such a way that makes the initial standing difficult) and we grabbed the offerings for the DM we had brought. Tex had his books and character sheets, both of our dice and my pack. I carried food we had purchased to share with the others, a sampling of cheeses, crackers, meat, a few sandwiches and of course a fine summer pilsner to help beat the heat back or at least make us not at all mind its fury.

We were greeted by a woman who looked ever so younger than her age indicated. She was trim and fit, perhaps five seven or eight, with short hair and a kind smile. Also, noticeable immediately was the fact she was wearing a uniform indicating captain in a certain science fiction television and film franchise. I smiled and was affable, she invited us in. Tex saluted sharply asking permission to board. I stifled a chuckle and our host seeming slightly unnerved, as though asking herself what sort of people she had let into her home.

And friends, it was a home. It was cozy and small, wood floors and wood panels indicating perhaps it was manufactured during the last great demand for such furnishings in the 1980s. We were ushered into the basement and set up upon a repurposed billiard table. Tex said offhandedly “What do you want to bet both the furries play inquisitors. Max-authority types”. I surmised it was possible, but held out any form of judgement until perhaps more facts were readily available. Unfortunately, as Tex has an annoying habit of, he was correct.

The gruesome-twosome (as Tex put it later that night when we were helping ourselves to a brandy in the relative quiet of a summer evening around these parts) managed to arrive in two separate but equally filthy looking used Subaru’s perhaps once having pedigree as people transporters but now used as what I would gently put as a traveling collection of personal affects and hailstorm dents. They were the sort of cars that looked like they had never been cleaned inside or out and in any future offer of a ride to and from the gatherings we would have in the coming months I declined kindly and opted to drive myself or ride with Tex.

Forgive me at this juncture for saying I will not be putting names on these two others as they were forgettable in the extreme as people go, but I will instead by concentrating on the characters themselves. When it came time to game, to sit down and adventure as best we were able, the DM invited us to share our characters and show them to each other for some sort of ‘review’ and ‘meet’ in the communal dorkness we all now engaged in. I, never being one to shy away from introductions and being an extrovert on some levels (or at least so far as a dork can be), introduced my character. Judge Hiram Bertram Chevalier Esq., a foppish and well to do arbitrator from the noble blue bloods of a feudal world set upon the precipice of an industrial revolution. He was tall and thin with good features and handy with a sword and shield, someone who eschewed a gun as honor demanded a blade be used, or truncheon as was the case in the law. Naturally he had overcome such technological limitations upon becoming aware of a greater universe and the monsters that lived within it, but he was still steeped in what I would call an edged weapon culture.

Tex played a Magos known as Benedict Bainbridge Groves (three names taken from the Manhattan Project if my recollection serves accurately), who went by “Groves” or just the honorific of his current rank. The character’s background was an obsession of the biggest, nastiest, most destructive earth-moving artillery platforms the Mechanicus could achieve. This siege engineer with a penchant for paving opposition under saw the universe in a series of craters to be, and calculated always a course of action which required the ultimate in firepower. Needless to say, his character would prove interesting should we engage ourselves in any form of combat.

The character sheet indicated not only a fearsome intelligence level but enough toughness modifiers and augmetic upgrades to make him as personally capable of great hardship and combat as the war machines he worshipped.

The two furries were the only ones who had bothered to draw characters, which I found to be amusing but kept comment to myself. There were to drawings each, one as a member of the Imperium – plenty of rough scars and handsome features but another drawing to indicate what they would look like as their fursona, if we were interested in such a thing. Tex managed to drink an entire beer the time they were talking, perhaps to prevent his mouth from opening and saying things that were impolite at this juncture in our adventures together. One character, “Lucien”, was an Inquisitor and of such an improbable background I tried my hardest not to openly guffaw or roll my eyes. The inquisitor had been before the golden throne, had talked with the emperor psychically, had lead several crusades from the front, and had bested six demons in single combat. All of this of course had occurred in a ‘totally legit’ (their wording) previous gaming session. The other character, “Malkus” had been the underling of said inquisitor, and now was a combination of expert assassin and interrogator.

Now, I may have to go on a small tangent here, because I think I have realized something in my now twenty or so odd years of tabletop gaming. One Katana is enough for most people, I’ve held Japanese steel in my own incapable hands and I’ve seen enough people with some knowledge of its value wield it in impressive displays cutting things in half or swinging it about in fearsome arcs. It seems to me that one Katana is more than capable of doing whatever you would possibly need a sword to do, and that two might be a handful if any sort of actual combat. People who think someone needs two of them is either a dreamer or has never tried to swing to pieces of steel around in a manner conducive to effective combat. This interrogator/assassin had two, and twin pistols, and twin chakram that were also power-weapons, among a host of other things.

I suppose it’s allowable if perhaps we bear in mind that the Warhammer 40k universe is full of such things. Matt Ward got away with worse I suppose and I just took it in stride. So there we were, all four of us with interesting, unique, or useful characters in principle. But no, there was one more. At this juncture the DM decided to inform us that we would be under the command of an Imperial Navy Captain, master of the vessel “Imperator”, a mighty warship of advanced and recent construction.

This was when I realized my dear friend Tex was drinking another beer and looking at me sideways in such a way I took to mean “DMPC! DMPC! Run!” or something along those lines. It wasn’t long after that we took a short break to prepare ourselves for launching into character and that we did. I took to the affable character I had created, a noble who would fight at the drop of a hat or glove, rise to any challenge, and mete out justice as best he was able though perhaps through the lens of a proper gentleman of noble blood. No justice is perfect.

The adventure began with the captain, who seemingly had authority over all of us by writ of holy terra and the conclave which ruled it, set us upon a mighty quest. We had been entrusted with finding and stopping a great and terrible weapon from being deployed, one which could enslave worlds from a distance, namely from orbit. This weapon wasn’t just its own trouble, for it was based on a warship that was by tremendous leaps and bounds more powerful than anything the Imperial navy possessed. Said vessel was darkly whispered to be even more impressive than blackstone fortresses and Abaddons own planet-killer combined. This was all what the DM had laid out for us, in character of course. Groves, the Magos, informed the gathered people that there was no vessel, orbital structure, or planet that could not be destroyed with ample enough artillery.

Tex has an amusing way of doing the voice of a tech-priest, which perhaps he would not have done in a game unless he had availed himself of the alcohol we had brought. Which he had. His spot-on imitation of the tech-priest voice actor from the dawn of war series had me in stitches to say the least, especially as he added “It is no matter for one of my skill”. When the captain, that is to say the DM tried to say “magos, you speak falsely, there are things even you do not understand”, Magos Groves replied with “Lies, the Omnissiah comprehends all” in defense of his faith. I buried my mouth in my hands trying not to laugh at the exchange. Both the inquisitor and her assassin/interrogator were quiet and seemingly interested in staring off into space. Perhaps, I thought they were surprised in being invited to a game at all and didn’t know quite how to proceed beyond making characters. I thought it time to engage them as a character. I said something along the lines of “What do you think inquisitor?” to prompt any sort of meaningful conversation to our briefing.

“I think we should listen to the captain”, said the Inquisitor, to which the assassin and interrogator understudy nodded.

I'll take a break in posting at the moment. I had a sudden realization that the last time I posted here was years ago . . and perhaps I may be a relic of another time. I'd hate to go through the trouble of sharing a story if its an unwelcome diatribe. Perhaps I'm just a tad bored. Let us see if I fade like dust in the wind.

>>48587012
Story time with Peg-Leg-Dave? I dunno about anyone else but Im sure as hell down.

If you feel up to typing it I'll read along

It was then that the captain/DM first demonstrated how the game was going to progress. The DM described us all walking to the bridge, sitting down, how impressive the bridge was laid out as it was small and efficient, and we all had our own chairs which faced a large central, forward view screen. There were no more than ten people on the bridge of this vessel and “No need of a navigator”. The vessel was small by 40k designs, crewed by only a mere thousand and capable of fast travel nearly anywhere in the sector. I realized at this point perhaps we were playing in some sort of crossover fanfiction and having played in similar situations before decided to keep my judgements to myself so as to not offend our host. Tex kept his character though, and began to examine how and why everything worked, and why he had not heard of such advancements. Either he had been obviously kept out of the loop on vast technological achievements and in the process been a victim of feudalistic hoarding of knowledge common to the Mechanicus sects fighting for supremacy or this was entirely an amalgam of heresy given flight.

>>48587116
Thank you for letting me know Im not just wasting space. As I said, I'd written here last some years ago and only recently felt like putting a story to paper, or at least recycled electrons yet again. But, I am not to say I know full well what entertains people these days. Years ago story threads seemed a lot more common, or more frequent. I bear no ill will if stories have passed on, or at least mine have become less interesting. Times change, folks change.

The DM ignored him and described our journey to a new world, a forge-world, where we were to investigate the disappearance of several prominent magii perhaps connected with this advanced weapon system. During the ‘transit’ period of our journey the DM produced a CD player of excellent sound quality and put on music for three minutes where we were told to be quiet and imagine ourselves on the journey. The music was, shall we say, perhaps anime in origin. I am by no means an expert on that genre of music but it was chipper, cheerful and full of energy seemingly meant to influence our imagination. While I found it to be a bit saccharine sweet for the grim darkness of the 41st Millennium, the furries and the DM seemed to get into it which is well enough. Friends, if nothing else, a DM should try to evoke a sense of adventure and that is seemingly what was being attempted.

Upon arrival at the forge world we found ourselves in one of those standard “go here, talk to these people, go here, talk to these people, go here, there is a puzzle, go here, there is another puzzle” sorts of adventures. There was no combat, which is fitting considering this was to be an investigation and not some sort of ruthless application of firepower session. Groves, the Magos excused himself for reasons to pay homage to the masters of the forge and other Omnissian reasons. However, Tex furiously wrote two pages on a piece of paper and slipped it to the DM, who rolled dice and then wrote back. Tex nodded and folded the piece of paper, putting it into his pocket while amending his character sheet. I would not have time to ask him at that juncture, but what he did would later prove to be useful if not out-right entertaining.

>>48587152
Stories aren't disliked here, they're just pushed off the board faster by the increased number of garbage threads.

More chaff, less wheat.

>>48587152
Hey man ain't no problem. Story times are never a waste of space.

Plus guys like you and Shoggy are the entire reason I started trying RPs

The adventure continued in much the same way for the following weeks, going to this planet or that, with the DM grabbing control of us through the DMPC applied leverage. This is of course in addition to the DM informing us how respected and powerful the captain of our vessel was, and how wise she was by engineering situations in which only the Captain had the solution, which was always seemingly well considered and wise in application. Everywhere we went, the captain was well known or received, and as always there was a musical interlude when we traveled.

One thing began to annoy me though, perhaps because I understood it to be against the very nature of our chosen setting. Everywhere we went, we teleported instantly there and without mishap. Most of our party, the furry contingent at least, seemed okay with this. Only the resident Magos seemed troubled, having a religious panic attack every time such a device was employed, alternatively reacting to the event as though having felt the touch of his god or being in a daze. I suppose that would be the correct response for a character in his world view. I found myself annoyed at the pinpoint accuracy of the device or how we were ‘beamed up’ and ‘beamed down’ with never a flaw if only to expedite our travel.

>>48587279
This.

The cancer on /tg/ has grown considerably since your last visit.

Bait, cancer, quests, CYOA, all proof that the board is going to shit

It wasn’t a terrible story mind, I had only to use my weapon once over the course of six weeks or so, and though simple the puzzles were at least an attempt to remain cerebral rather than violent. The Inquisitor and Inquisitor’s lackey contributed nothing, usually quiet until agreeing with the DM, passing notes back and forth, and keeping to themselves. Our adventures brought us closer and closer, as the captain said, to the device which would surely enslave the sector one planet at a time. However, the DM and the DMPC both decided we should see firsthand how terrible this weapon was, and we were dispatched with sudden swiftness to a planet which had fallen prior to the enemy vessel disappearing as always into the warp, with no obvious trail to follow.
The world was a Feudal world, which suited my character fully. We landed to find the people working as a communal hive, seemingly in joyous rapture at being ‘freed’ from the imperium. They had established in no time a society which mirrored that of our DM’s likely favored setting, a society post scarcity with no boundaries or barriers for people to find their own lives as they would. There was no poverty or crime, there was no injustice, there was only a greater good of sorts which rankled my sensibilities of the setting and set an unholy fire into the soul of our Magos. “They just put their tools down and cease laboring? The quotas are unfulfilled!” My bilious comrade did impart. “We must make note of this in detail and report back to the captain”, said the Inquisitor. “You are the emperor’s own hand, smite these wastrels!” commanded the Magos.

This is stellar! What could the other setting that's been mashed with 40k be?

“You don’t tell me what to do” said the Inquisitor.

“I’ll show you how this is done” said the Magos.

He then wrote furiously on some paper and handed it to the DM, who looked appalled but rolled some dice and said “The sky darkens”. There was an object being lowered from the ship on some form of large cargo-carrier, large enough to blot out the sun, or at least blot it out from where we were standing. As it turns out I had been a might bit curious as to what my compatriot had done so many weeks prior that required him to amend his character sheet. As it turns out, our party had not spent the least bit of its influence or money on anything as the DM provided virtually everything we required with a ship capable of such majestic things as regular teleporter use without fault and food that was created out of thin air. In addition, the vessels captain and resident DMPC was both wise and knowledgeable in the full use of the ships capabilities and thus we never had failed to achieve what we set out. Or rather, what the captain had deemed necessary.

Our Magos had borrowed with unused influence, and without the knowledge of any party members, an Ordniatus surely out of the fevered imagination of any great siege engineer. It was the sort of tracked, loud, enormous war machine which seemed capable of laying to ruin any person, building, nation or even starship within range. Bellowing incantations and assisted with an able crew, our Magos began to purge the planet one volley at a time, seemingly uninterested in any form of discourse other than to scream the sorts of things Melville put into the mouth of his brave whalers in doing battle with the great white whale. I could only amuse myself with observing as dice roll after dice roll was punctuated by the DM asking if anyone wanted to take any actions. The furries were quiet, and I found myself approving wholeheartedly. We were bringing this planet back into compliance with imperial law, naturally. Whether or not anyone survived to appreciate the blasted wasteland (now compliant) was another matter entirely.

Destroying an entire world is no small feat, especially when done from the surface of a planet, one blast, one mushroom cloud at a time. But, our magos was a tireless individual seemingly of singular purpose. It was as though this were his calling and the artillery his muse. For the next hour the DM would describe these intricate things, chapels, throngs of people, a wiser, greater, better world unencumbered by the feudalism of the Imperium and dear Tex through his Magos would then decide to shell it.

Before long we were all teleported before the captain who chastised us on not learning from these people and their ways, to which the magos violently objected “I shall not treat with those who lay down their tools and forget their purpose”, and I was inclined to agree in character of course. A lawless world has no purpose in the Imperium.

There were some more chastisements for the party, to which the furries nodded solemnly as though they were being arraigned on already established criminal charges by a sage council of judges. My character had to argue, for Imperial Justice is brutal at best, and measured in the number of bodies trod upon rather than the number of legal precedents. But the captain was always right, and wise. As well, the captain seemingly had endless authority, and was secretly a high-lord-appointed-inquisitor by the council of terra and the senatorum imperialis and everything else the DM could throw behind her. At that point I could only offer a shrug. How was I to know I opposed the Emperor’s chosen bestest friend twice removed.

The ship, that is to say, the enemy ship, a vessel of tremendous size and capability, speed and firepower soon found us on another long journey to some other forgettable place. And our brave captain sent us into battle, perhaps in attempt to die on the bridge in some noble display before setting us on a mighty quest with no doubt brave, dying words, holding the enemy off long enough for us to escape or some such similar scenario. Our magos had asked to take direct control over the engine room for the duration of the engagement, to which the captain said, perhaps unwisely for the chosen tone of the engagement, that such would be a good idea.

You see, music had been set for this battle, music epic but sad as though it were some horrible and unwinnable scenario that only a brave, wise and just person may attempt at the likely cost of their own life. It was one of those noble sacrifice sorts of things, at least so I felt at the time. Our magos was not so inclined. During the battle, which the enemy ship was winning easily, Our own magos devised a novel means by which to attack. He suggested that the teleportarium, which has by some strange reason never failed, should be used to transport a shell from the Ordinatus battery into the hull of the enemy vessel. It was at this point the teleportarium failed to function or operate regardless of dice influences.

I felt as though it were any moment, and the DM seemingly had a speech prepared. Our ship was seemingly adrift and suffering terribly from intermittent power failures, sparks flying, ozone in the air. The captain was to read a speech and perhaps do something noble. The Magos had other plans. Apparently he said he intended to boost the engines for one, great, tremendous application of incredible forward thrust.

“What?” said the Dmpc/DM

Dice were flung. The DM lowered the screen and looked it over, and sighed. It was one of those long, drawn out sighs that seemed to signal giving up completely. One of those “Thanks, asshole” sighs. The Magos asked if the dice were enough and friends, let me tell you, the roll was magnificent even before modifiers are taken into account. Yes, our engines would fire one last time and for tremendous forward velocity.

My friend got up and popped the CD out of the player, put said CD back into its sleeve gently, and put in his own creation. He found the song he wanted and we were treated to The Band singing their epic ballad “When I paint my Masterpiece”. Then we rammed the enemy vessel and plowed straight through it. The DM folded the screen up after this and thanked us kindly for our participation in her game, before saying she had other things to do, like play world of Warcraft, and if we could let ourselves out. We did. The furries went there way and Tex and I went ours. That was the last time I saw him.

Years have passed since. I miss games like that, with people who made them enjoyable despite the DM trying so hard to make them boring. In short friends, what I’m trying to convey I suppose is that whenever you find someone willing to throw dice with you and have a good time, never give that up. It’s truly valuable. And I suppose it’ll be back to lurking for a few years until I can recollect another story of seemingly equal value. I only hope that perhaps if its worthy this story may be enshrined on sup/tg/, that is if its found favorable. Also, that reminds me that I perhaps owe you a story as to what happened since. That is, if you all would be interested.

Ah ramming, always a fun way to end a engagement

Also

>How was I to know I opposed the Emperor’s chosen bestest friend twice removed.

kek

>>48587601
Do it

The DM somewhat became persona non-grata at the gamestore, and in the community though not really through any official sanction. You see, the person ran afoul of some military veterans who had suffered greatly during our countries latest foray into international peacekeeping. They had, in their own words, “been through fucking hell” and didn’t much care for it. It turns out the lady marine had been deployed as well, and made great knowledge to all who knew it that she too had been in Iraq. However, it came to light in some manner of passing or personal recollection of someone who had worked alongside her during that time that she had spent the entirety of time in the green-zone, in air conditioning, with internet access and so on. Apparently folks realized that constant facebook updates during that time period, showing impressive selfies of the ‘war’, and other such nonsense was probably a great deal more self-serving than they liked. Im more a ‘to each their own’ mindset, but folks got upset that somebody who set out to serve for the sake of being a celebrity or at least very visible in their service, as though a PR machine was necessary to stroke an overly inflated ego. Last I heard she was working at dairy queen part time to fund some sort of experimental role-playing system involving her favorite fandom. Im uncertain as to whether it succeeded but I do hope she at least found a measure of fun in it.

As for the furries, I believe they discovered a game more suited to their alter egos, something-claw, which has do with dice and adventure. Unfortunately they also have run afoul of the local gaming groups because of what was termed to be ‘overt and unsubtle sexual overtones’ to virtually everything they did. I can understand perhaps playing a game like that in the privacy of your own home, but it rankled the sensibilities of folks in a public game store and as such they have been bouncing between establishments with short memory.

As far as I know Tex is still around, he has a place on the internet all his own though I would be greatly surprised if you all had any sort of knowledge of it. He runs a youtube (The Black Pants Legion) that, in his own words, is guilty of “delusions of adequacy”. I think he’s being hard on himself as he’s charming and funny in his own way. He’s one of those channels I suppose that’s likely to never be successful because he has a sort of old school pride about things. He considers most folks sell-outs because they try to hawk or endorse whatever they can to make a dollar regardless of whether or not that product has any value. He’d probably spit in the eye of folks like the Yogscast and others who have made fortunes selling things that are without a doubt unplayable, or showcasing things in what has been called the ‘oprah effect’. I know he hates folks like Angry Joe, namely because Joe tried to stand on the corpse of Jew Wario after he died, acting all sorts of emotionally entangled and upset that such a person as Jew Wario would be no more. I knew Justin (jewWario), as did Tex. Tex’s reaction to Joe’s pretend-friendship with the man was “How short a motherfucker are you to have to stand on a corpse to be seen, Joe?”

I don’t mean to excuse my friends every personal hatred of another human being, as he’s as crazy as the rest of us but at least I can say he’s honest with who he is and actually believes in something these days. I also know he’s angry enough to probably box god if only his arms were long enough. He’s also a good man who has reportedly been taking care of a disabled veteran for the past few years. I can only hope he helps himself in the process. He’s suffered something fierce since losing virtually everything in the years between. The economy and fate, it seems, have been to say the least unkind.

And as for me, well, Im still around. Though, I’d say I largely lurk.

I'll check back in a bit if the thread is still standing on its own power. If not, thanks for listening. It was fun to write again, if only for a few, if only to get the story out there again.

>>48587390
I'm enjoying this

>>48587792
What's your story? What made you want to come back? What gives you the right to impress upon me a heart-felt, jovial time and then suddenly, upon the dispensation of life's cruelties mete upon the heads of friends whom you long past parted, not continue with lessons on how we too can engage so handily with those whom we game with?

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>>48587601
Amazing! Such great destruction of the railroad!
Please! Another story Mr.Peg-Leg-Dave!

>>48587861
I've been busy doing this and that, engaged in too much work and trying to keep my own small portion of the American dream afloat. Life isn't terrible, but it is busy and sometimes I do not have the time I wished I had to do the things I enjoy. I moved, which somewhat impairs my ability to stay in contact with people. I'm not a facebook person or the sort to say much over digital means other than the bare minimum. I come from an era of sitting on a porch and visiting for long hours, telling stories of this and that, sharing life experiences and the like.

In short, I'd say the key to finding people you can game with are people who challenge you, make you laugh, make you smile or perhaps even think. Stay away from folks that just make blocks of stats capable of this or that. Stay away from people who talk about "optimal this" or "best builds", but instead have an idea for a story or a concept that really gets you thinking.

>>48588559
Railroaders are people too. Sometimes they're well meaning but poorly skilled storytellers that don't know how to tell a story or let you build your own without grabbing you sideways and hitching you to their rails. Other times the person telling the story is just so sad and lonely that they themselves feel the need to join in the story just to have some fun.

Railroading is too common I'm sad to say. Perhaps its because most folks dont know what a good story truly is, or how to at least create a collaborative and friendly environment. Perhaps the ruleset for a game overwhelms them and they feel the need to borrow storylines wholesale from various sources while they wrestle with numbers.

But, friends, sometimes you know someone like Tex who just wrecks peoples little houses because its funny.

Well there was always the exploding runes story but I'm sure we've all heard variations on that story a hundred times over. Basically a certain belligerent (tex) in a 3.5 homebrew game decided to do as the DM asked and be 'as evil as possible' with much chaos and humor spread throughout. It was supposed to be one of those classic "Everyone in the party is as evil as possible" games where the DM has everyone play anti-good-folks trying to bring ruin to the setting. Unfortunately for the DM, it ended up being a series of explosions and what I believe would classify as terrorism.

The story was simple enough. We were to build a party, all five of us in total. I played an Evil fighter bent on tearing down a holy order that I despised as being 'too righteous for their own good'. Perhaps my character was more chaotic than evil, but I figured I'd rather be a lovable snidely-whiplash sort of character than out and out evil. Plus, I was more joining the game at the last minute and I didn't have anything particularly well thought out in mind.

Now the other players in the party were 3 others plus Tex.

One player was a Gnomish Dirgesinger that was apparently going to try for as 'dark and sad' as possible, which to be fair echoed his own status in life as someone in a more or less permanent depressed/goth phase. Such a lifestyle could not be said to be easy as the amount of makeup required in the heat was impressive.

Another player was the DMs girlfriend who ended up being evil in the textbook definition of the word. "I kill good guys because I'm so evil" or "Good loses because it is dumb" sort of thing you see in people with zero imagination. Also this character was a Centaur.

The third person was a ninja something or other, as I said, it was a homebrewed rule setting. Character was a fox/hyena anthropomorphized something or other. Kid playing it was truly very hyper and constantly wore a Sonic the Hedgehog T-shirt. This kid (I say kid but he was probably 19)'s idea of evil stemmed from stabbing people in the back and then disappearing. Random murder is evil, but without purpose.

Then there was tex.

The DM had a huge, well, shall we say interest in people 'role playing with all their heart' which translated to doing the voice for your character when in character, otherwise it was out of character. Amazingly, my own character had a southern drawl from somewhere between Georgia and Louisiana. The Gnome bard was quiet and soft but also somewhat high-pitched...perhaps the man's own voice but with a little bit of helium and valium.

The centaur-lady tried to sound sultry but it just came across as jabba-esque. She was, to put it mildly, a large lady and anything she said had that undertone of 'second and third chin wobble'.

The gentlemen associated with Sonic spoke a hundred miles an hour and tried to put on a scottish brogue. It sounded awful and we couldn't understand anything he said, so he said he was speaking in the dialect of his people.

Tex, well, he's done voice-acting before and plainly you should never ask him to do accents because with enough practice they become spot-on. He adopted a heavy german accent for his Tiefling Wizard. What followed was probably one of the more amusing games of 3.5 I recall.

>>48586572
Kinda remember you. I don't remember much but you ring a bell.

Gonna watch this thread and read everything later when I have time, so keep telling your stories.

>>48589277
I believe most of my ramblings have been archived on suptg, or at least so I've been told. Last I checked I suppose the most recent ramble was in 2011...but I've posted a few since then. Im just tickled most people do remember me on some level, perhaps that's key in life - to be respected enough to be memorable but not necessarily fawned over.

>>48586575
>This story takes place some years ago, during the one and only time I managed to play through a game of Dark Heresy Ascension

You have my attention.

Now, the doings of the group were rather formulaic. Excited kid would ramble about his people being noble, or great, or formerly great and now at war with the 'hew-mons' who had destroyed their fern gully way of life or something else along those lines. The Centaur would talk about being this formerly great princess that had great 'designs' for this kingdom. Always talking about secret plans and 'things to come', and 'doom', but never anything specific. The Dirgesinger would write down lyrics to a song about death and sadness and so on, a song to end the world or somesuch.

I cut people in half when asked to but generally just observed. I wasn't particularly interesting in this story but . . the tiefling wizard. That was an exercise in stupid mad bastard.

He would break into towns at night, put explosive runes everywhere, inscribed them in the hymn books of every good or even neutrally aligned deity, inscribe them on local 'work for coin' post-boards, inscribe them on street signs, inscribe them inside the healing scrolls of libraries or other such places. Everywhere words could be that were necessary to read, explosive runes.

It became so frequent that the DM started to use Int 8 paladins who were illiterate to come after us.

Im back and forth from the computer, but these are the things I can remember the tiefling wizard doing:

> Having the bard/dirgesinger gather a whole town for an epic concern of gnashing acoustic death/emo/goth metal or whichever. Kid would play lute hero and then the Wizard would Wail of the Banshee the crowd.

>Good dragon sent by the DM tries to bribe the wizard to be good. Transmute blood to acid. Dragon dies a smoking wreck

>Wizard and the Centaur/girlfriend of DM get into a wonderful fight over the specifics of this wonderfully nebulous 'plan'. They decide to fight it out for rulership of the party. Wizard has made a Lesser rod of maximize or something similar and casts Shivering Touch, robbing the stupid centaur of a hell of a lot of dex with no save. Lady stomps off to the bathroom sobbing after the DM explains she isn't "auto immune" to it as she claims she is.

Tex spent the rest of that encounter telling the bard to play "Guten Tag Hop Clop" as he danced around the shivvering and useless Centaur.

Tex with is tiefling wizard also used charm person on the head cleric of the town guard and then picked a fight with the town guard, causing a three hour fight which resulted in the cleric being maimed, the town guard fighting among themselves and myself laughing to the point I was physically sick.

What made it better is the wizard walked around with a roll of bandages, helping the 'fallen', and by helping them he would wrap them with a layer of bandages, and then inscribe explosive runes, then finish wrapping them. Anyone changing those bandages later would find . . well, the town probably had a lot of problems for some time after that.

There were also a slew of permanency spells, There was one time he used Gust of wind to see "how many people he could blow down the stairs", which was quite a few over the span of time he observed. Permanency symbol of insanity on a holy relic site (after he deconsecrated the site of course) located on a small island in a lake, so that all who ventured there certainly added to the flavor of the area.

He once cast permanency on a statue of some demi-deity so that when anyone began the call to prayer nearby in supplication, said statue would belt out a "That's total bullshit"

Well I suppose that's it for now. We'll see if this thread lives on. Anyone with a mind for it, please share some of your best DMs, worst DMs, and best/worst players/concepts and so on threads. Im sure that'd round things out nicely between the seemingly endless threads on quests of every seeming sort.

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Fatguys vs Furries & Captain Janeway, the story.

Keep this thread alive. The ballad of Peg-Leg-Dave must never die.

Could someone please screencap these?

>>48590808
already somebody has put it on the archive http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/48586572/

>>48589899
Probably the best GM I ever had the pleasure of playing with was a former Marine who had A. Been playing D&D since it came out and as a result was well skilled in the art of describing things perceived by our characters and B. had been stationed in either Guam or the Philippines, I can't remember which. Probably Guam though.
In any case, he had us roll up 3.5 characters, as that was the D&D du-jour at the time. We, as players had to help describe the new ruleset slightly to him but that wasn't an issue. Any how, we weren't actually allowed to pick classes at the start, only races and names, he had kept the rest secret. We awoke to the stereotypical you all have been shipwrecked scenario, however none of us could remember how we got there, or for that matter whether we'd been on a ship at all. We could not even remember our own histories, only names.
There was a jungle past the beach we had landed on and he described it in such detail that I could nearly smell it and feel the heat of it.
We pressed on, looking for fresh water and food, neither of which we had and encountered a parrot, the only speaking creature of any kind to be found. I had initially started playing focused more on my build than my character's psyche but the lack of class and equipment really got us into approaches and strategy of survival a lot. I was a young roleplayer, having only started at most, two years before.
We found a building with different icons and items in it, three to be exact. A Sword, a Key, and a Book.
It was at this point we realized we would be allowed to choose a class. It was at this point that he separated us as players, telling us each would be forced to perform a challenge to gain our classes, but we would be performing them alone.
As to what happened to the other players, I know only a very little, from talking after the session with the other players, and I know one of my friends at the time nearly failed.

>>48591631
As to my Trial, it went as follows. I was teleported upon picking up the sword to a great hall, filled with weapons upon a wall and statues of what surely must have been great warriors, armed with every conceivable type of weapon and armored in every manner imaginable.
There was a sword on the floor between me and the most prominent of these statues, and I picked it up, figuring that armed was better than unarmed. It was at that very moment that the statue in front of me sprung to life and told me that it accepted my challenge and that there would be no mercy shown. I fought the statue and rolled well, nearly obliterating it's head before a voice told me I had succeeded in its challenge. No mean feat as I had yet to gain a single level and we were statted out as 0th level commoners with a bit of extra HP.
I then was able to pick from several choices of weapons and armor and acquire some basic equipment as well.
Once this was done we were still left with minimal supplies, and more would have to be discovered soon if we were to survive. We traveled further into the Jungle and ended up finding our first dungeon, exploring a bit of it, but at that point in my life I had some shit going on and had to move away. If you're out there my buddies from New Hampshire, godspeed to you all, that campaign was incredible and it left with me a sense that things could be more than stats and such, and that there were incredible heights to which gaming could reach. It's been more than 9 years now since I left, and I still wonder about that campaign to this day.

>>48589533
http://www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/producers/der_guten_tag_hopclop-lyrics-1189936.html#ixzz4GDfFtQCZ

Vunderbar! Eins, zwei, drei...
Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop
Ach du lieber
Und oh boy!
Guten Tag clap clap
Guten Tag slap slap
Ach du lieber
Vat a joy!
Oh, ve essen und fressen
Und tanze und trinken
Tanzen und trinken
Until ve get stinkin!
Everybody!

How common is the "now you fight yourselves" or "mirrors of yourselves" gimmick? I have a DM that wont stop using it. Mirrors of ourselves, exact classes, or even future versions of ourselves.

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>>48591406
I for one am glad you came back to storytime, shit has gone stale for far too long, and it was the main reason I came to lurk here

>>48591988
Aaaand watch everyone forget as soon as he stops posting. Shits sad yo.

>>48591988
Glad I'm remembered in some circles at least.

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>>48591999
>>48592021
saddest part is I've stumbled upon fa/tg/uys and held nice discussions on other boards instead of here

I am glad I checked /tg/ this sunrise.
This thread is most entertaining, just like Tex's YouTubes. If I could subscribe to your tales Dave, I would most surely do so!

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>>48592021
you are remembered fondly of Dave, no matter how mush neck deep in shit the board may end up

>>48592669
Glad to hear it. I may post later

>>48593082
I personally am a newfag here and have never heard of you before now. But you are better than literally every other thread.

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>>48586863
>The inquisitor had been before the golden throne
>had talked with the emperor psychically
>had lead several crusades from the front
>and had bested six demons in single combat
>All of this of course had occurred in a ‘totally legit’ (their wording) previous gaming session.

BUMP

I dont know your previous storys but damn consider me signed. Enjoyed reading them a lot as i love such storys. Nice to hear some other insights. Will def lookbyour other stories and tex channel up so please keep writing if you got more goodies where this came from. Appreciated.

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posting story on a story thread

They dont make threads like this anymore. Dave and Wasteland Warrior, now those were the days. if you dont know who either are, go search the suptg archives.

>>48586863
>>48595106
>The inquisitor had been before the golden throne, had talked with the emperor psychically, had lead several crusades from the front, and had bested six demons in single combat
that just seems like they ripped off jaq draco without the insanity

>>48592669
You know, if you would post fun and original content instead of complaining that nobody else does, the board quality would improve.

Bump this shit

>>48603749
one more for the road

>>48595106
Other than the 'lead several crusades' and 'spoke with the Emperor,' that could be one of my Dark Heresy characters. We went from 400XP starting characters to lowish Ascension over the course of a long campaign.

My character was a melee beatstick Psyker, so 'beaten several daemons' was there, and the campaign finale occurred in the Emperor's Throne Room so that one pings the whole party. Of course, he didn't speak to us and nobody had enough pull to directly lead a crusade, much less multiples.

ITT: shit that never happened