>>44671546
>>while you’ve got him in your grasp, may as well search him. Something feels odd under that cheap waistcoat anyway..

>>44671546
Shake him upside down, see what falls out, while demanding where he hid his pot of gold

>>44671546
>give him a scolding and tell him to beat it one last time

>>44671546
>write-in
>let him in, he's not hurting anybody.

>and we're a terrible bouncer

>>44671752
This.
Don't start touching the gnome inappropriately in public.

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>>44671592
>>44671668
>>44671752
>>44671786
>>44671800
>merging the first two posts

You give the little bastard a cursory "search", which really just means you squeeze him a bit and feel for any odd lumps.

His eyes bug out a bit and he involuntarily burps up a little purple cloud but you do feel... something.

On a hunch, you turn him upside down and give him a good shake. Out of his pockets tumble an underfed coin purse, a can of Mordok's Fire-eye (for "self-defense" he shrieks, but that's already enough to justify barring him), and what else? A bag of pixie dust, glittering noxiously in its clear wrap.

"Oh my," you exclaim dully, "How did this get in there?"

"It's not mine."

>Well, then you won't mind me confiscating it...
>Take it and get the hell out of here
>Time for gnome tossing
>Put him down, facing away from the club. Tell him to head down to Groznots, they're thumping tonight.
>Write-In

>>44671853
>>Time for gnome tossing
PUNT THE GNOME

>>44671877
Broflovsky pls

>not Blind Hypnotized Insect Boy Sonfu quest
I thought you figured out how to pander shamelessly.

>>44671853
>Take it and get the hell out of here

>>44671853
Throw him away.

>>44671983

My sellout game is weak.

>>44671877
>>44671988
>>44672063

>time for tossing

You graciously return the gnome's personal possessions and drugs, tucking them into his waistcoat. As you do so, you accidentally let your face get a little too close to him and he gives you a quick kick to the chin that rattles your fangs.

The pain isn't that bad but it's nothing compared to what you're going to inflict in return.

"That was a bad choice, buddy."

You snarl just enough to let him know he's in for it and then cock your arm back into a classic Blood Ball throwing pose. The tiny body seems to leave your hand in slow motion, spiraling gracefully as the gnome's hat reduces his aerodynamic drag.

He lands with a clatter in a public trash bin down the block. You wave on the next guest, a pretty young drow mistress in her sunday leathers. She hands you her cover but something seems fishy about her...

>ask to see her purse
>ask for ID
>tell her she can't come in; you hate drow
>attempt small talk as you take the cover
>Write-In

>>44672233
>ask to see her purse

>>44672233
>ask for ID

>>44671853
>Put him down, facing away from the club. Tell him to head down to Groznots, they're thumping tonight.

>>44672360
>>44672263
>>44672322

She has no issue with letting you search her purse, though her face expresses some disdain, her brow wrinkling above some enormous sunglasses.

There are coins in here, empty spider eggs, a small rosary of Lolth, a picture of all her male relatives... bent over in a stockade. There's a city ID in here... You hold it up to the oil lamp to check it and it seems legit.

She watches you carefully as you search... but nothing seems too out of the ordinary.

>tell her she can't come in
>let her go
>ask for ID
>ask her to take her sunglasses off
>flirt, then let her inside
>write-in

>>44672233
>ask for ID

>>44672386
scratch that ID option; you've already seen it.

>>44672386
>>flirt, then let her inside

>>44672233
Ask for ID.
Because an underage elves and pedo-scare are no joke.

>>44672386
>ask her to take her sunglasses off

>>44672386
>ask her to take her sunglasses off
Vampires need to pay a special entrance fee miss.

>>44672386
>flirt, then let her inside

>>44672386
>ask her to take her sunglasses off
Just a precaution, miss. You wouldn't believe what happened last time we didn't thoroughly check someone's fashion accessories.

>>44672386
>ask her to take her sunglasses off

>>44672403
>>44672410
>>44672415
>>44672425
>>44672427
>>44672434
>>44672581
>>44672470

You double-check the ID... it says she's several hundred years old but she barely looks 19. But once again, you can't find anything wrong with it.

"Are you done yet?"

"No need to be haughty, miss."

"It's all pigs like you deserve."

"Mhm. Tell me more, baby."

You're used to this kind of rough condescension from Drow and you've learned to handle it with calculated grace. She blushes at your request but maintains her scowl. Honestly, you're surprised she's not in a group; Drow ladies usually party in packs.

"If you don't mind me asking, why the sunglasses? Sun's gone down you know, it's safe. Mind taking them off for me?"

"Absolutely not."

A human female speaks up from behind the Drow.

"You can't make her!"

>Take them off or you're not getting in
>Alright, it's none of my business.
>Butt out, human.
>write-in

>>44672386
>Dont let her in

Fuck Drows, man. Not in the sexy sense, either.

>>44672615
>Take them off or you're not getting in
"Then I won't make her. Do it or leave."

>>44672615
>>Take them off or you're not getting in

Shut the fuck up, mammal with tits for brain

>>44672615
>>Butt out, human.

>>44672615
>Alright, it's none of my business.

>>44672615
>Take them off or you're not getting in

>>44672615
>write-in
Raise an eyebrow.
"Are you...are you actually letting a *human* speak for you, and say what you can and can't do?"

>>44672686
Ooh, I like this.

>>44672615
Gruumsh's eye, get off my fat green dick bitch, wait your turn

>>44672615
>>44672686
Burn

>>44672669
Change this to >>44672686

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>>44672677
>>44672669
>>44672668
>>44672661
>>44672660
>>44672618
>>44672706
>>44672716
>>44672850
>>44672855

>1 for don't let her in, 3 for take them off or no entry, 2 for the write-in, 3-4 for telling the human to butt-out

"Show me or you're not getting in."

"No!"

The Drow gives you an angry push and you immediately push back, not really to hurt her but to preserve at least a pocket of space between the two of you. Unfortunately, she loses her balance, stumbling backwards on stilletto heels and falling to the pavement. Her sunglasses fly off but her face is covered by long black hair.

"Unbelievable! You can't treat people that way!"

It's the human, grandstanding as humans are known to do. Gruumsh's eye, how intolerably arrogant. You decide to manipulate the situation.

"Drow, are you really going to let a human stand your ground for you?"

There's an insectile chittering and the Drow turns its face towards you. You see now why she was wearing the sunglasses; her eyes have become those of spiders through some dark cosmetic magic. Her expression is enraged as she turns from you towards the woman and attacks!

>roll 1d100 to break it up!

Rolled 38 (1d100)

>>44672958
>roll 1d100 to break it up!
GO

Rolled 41 (1d100)

>>44672958
Do we even want to break it up? I mean, just as long as they're out of the way..

Rolled 48 (1d100)

>>44672958
But what if I want to fail.

Rolled 5 (1d100)

>>44672958

Rolled 41 (1d100)

>>44672958
As much as I'd love to watch the impromptu wrestling match the drow aren't known for their non-lethal fights.

Rolled 87 (1d100)

>>44672958

>>44673010
>>44673006
>>44673005
>>44673000
>>44672983
>>44673010
>>44673017

I should have specified a system for selecting rolls. In this case we'll use >>44673017
but next time, I'll take the best from the first 5 rolls or whatever we have after 10 minutes.

Writing.

>>44673077
High or low, crits or no?

>>44673077
>I'll take the best from the first 5 rolls or whatever we have after 10 minutes.
What?

'Or'? You mean whichever is less? Since whichever is higher would be gameable.

>>44673108
He literally just said best from 5 and linked the highest roll. Of course it's high.

>>44673135
I still have the question about crits, but to answer your's, Simmons sometimes has slow threads, so he means that if there aren't five rolls he's going to take what there is after 10 minutes.

>>44673108

High, we'll have crits on 95 and up and crit fails on 5 and below.

>>44673135

Would it be? I'm asking sincerely.

>>44673077

The drow pounces and tackles the human female to the ground with ease. Sharp nails scratch through the see-through veil that the human is wearing over her chainmail bikini top. The patrons still waiting on line hoot and holler, cheering on the free entertainment. You can understand that but you don't have much time to enjoy it before you'll have to step in. Mandibles punch through the Drow's cheeks and she goes in for a killing bite...

You grab her by the neck just in time to prevent the shrieking human's neck from being snipped off. As soon as she's free, she tries to give the Drow a kick but you're able to destabilize her clumsy attack with your free hand and she lands on her ass.

"Get out of here" you hiss as she struggles to her feet. As she disappears down the block, the Drow's mandibles recede and she seems to calm down.

>apologize, let her in on the condition she doesn't cause trouble
>tell her to get out of here as well, you don't want to see either of them again
>Write-in

>>44673332
>apologize, let her in on the condition she doesn't cause trouble

>>44673332
>>tell her to get out of here as well, you don't want to see either of them again
Literally nobody is qualified to party tonight.

>>44673332
>apologize, let her in on the condition she doesn't cause trouble

Not really her fault, so a small dressing down should be fine but eh.

>>44673332
>apologize, let her in on the condition she doesn't cause trouble

>>44673332
>Write-in
"Don't cause anymore trouble." then let her in.

>>44673332
>tell her to get out of here as well, you don't want to see either of them again

Shes a liability in there, may end up causing a mess inside

>>44673332
>>apologize, let her in on the condition she doesn't cause trouble
Sup Simmons

>>44673332
ASK FOR THE DROWS NUMBER!

>>44673332
>apologize, let her in on the condition she doesn't cause trouble

>>44673444

Sup anon.

>>44673366
>>44673386
>>44673390
>>44673406
>>44673407
>>44673414
>>44673568
>>44673689

>6 for letting her in (one sans apology), 2 for barring entrance

"Sorry about that, I shouldn't have pushed you quite so hard..."

You brush off some of the dirt from her outfit with your hands. It's quite scanty, so you come in contact with her smooth grey skin a few times (unintentionally) and you see her buccinators twitch as she suppresses a laugh from what must be a ticklish sensation.

"Don't touch me you filthy animal."

The ice is still there but not in the same quantity; must be melting.

"Okay, okay."

You hand her her glasses.

"Keep a lid on the whole spider queen thing inside, will you please, mistress?"

You swear you see a twinkle in her compound eyes as you call her mistress. She puts the glasses back on and heads into the club. Maybe you'll see her later...

You return to your post and begin passing more patrons through... you've got quite a backlog...

About an hour later, Rufus, your fellow bouncer, comes out to check on you.

"Everything okay out here Orgrus? I heard there was a scuffle before."

>It was nothing major, just a little catfight.
>I accidentally pissed off a drow, things escalated a little.
>Hell yeah, you should have seen it shorty!
>write-in

>>44673719
>It was nothing major, just a little catfight.
>I accidentally pissed off a drow, things escalated a little.

>>44673719
>write-in
"Should've seen it, crazy spider bitch tackled a crazy human bitch and almost nipped her fuckin' head off."

>>44673719
>>44673754
Backing

>>44673719
>burly ork is a bottom bitch
gross

>>44673719
>>44673754
Apparently we're trying very hard to not slip back into a british accent.
Seconded

>>44673719
>>Hell yeah, you should have seen it shorty!

>>44673792
That's strictly superficially pandering to the dominatrix to calm them down.

That is why you stay away from centuries old controlling spider-bitch and find a soft pliable young human.

>>44673830
>>44673819
>>44673792
>>44673768
>>44673754
>>44673748

"Should'ah seen it, crazy spider bitch tackled a regular human bitch and almost took her head clean off!"

"Shit, what kicked that off?"

"Oh, kor-gah. You know how it is, these people wait in the cold all night. They'll take any chance to heat things up."

"Zat so. Well, the boss told me to tell you you can come inside now if ya like. I'll take door duty."

>Nah, I'm fine.
>Maybe, how's the party?
>Fuckin' finally. I've been wanting to go inside all night.
>write-in

>>44673997
>Maybe, how's the party?

>>44673997
>Fuckin' finally. I've been wanting to go inside all night.
We've got a Drow Matron waiting in there. To swing and miss our chance with gallons of spaghetti

>>44673997
>>Maybe, how's the party?

>>44673997
>>Fuckin' finally. I've been wanting to go inside all night.

>>44673997
>Fuckin' finally. I've been wanting to go inside all night.
I need a hot drink to cool down a bit.

>>44673997
>Maybe, how's the party?

>>44673997
>Maybe, how's the party?

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>>44674016
>>44674054
>>44674086
>>44674129
>>44674217
>>44674222
>>44674270

>merging hows the party and going in

"Pa-TAR! That sounds like old Bromthus alright. Always 'looking out for me'."

"Hey, at least he likes you. I've got to worry about being at face level with the bastards knee."

"Oh, he likes me alright. But we've had this conversation before, you wouldn't understand. It's just too much of an Orkish thing. How's the party?"

"Still striking the fresh veins. Simalon got the new sound crystals in yesterday and he's scratching the runes deep. Everyone's on the floor."

"Good'ah! The bar's finally empty then! Take over, Rufus. I've got a thirst to shame your ancestors."

"Aye, see you later good buddy. By the way, a nice Drow lady gave me this inside, maybe you know her?"

He claps something into your hand with a wink. Then he turns to face the crowd.

"Okay folks, keep it single-file! This is Margrath the Kneecapper, she and I are going to be keeping order around here from now on."

You grin as you descend into the Cavern. That dwarf does love to talk about his war baton.

Past the layers of arcane graffiti, you find the inner door and push it open, revealing a chamber of flashing magical light and dancing bodies. Music pounds the floor and you can see Simalon conducting everything from his floating performance platform. The wizard looks quite engrossed in some nearby groupies...

>head straight to the bar
>get those groupies away from Simalon
>look for that drow
>hit the head, best to empty the warrior before the feast.
>write-in

>>44674448
>hit the head, best to empty the warrior before the feast.

>>44674448
>>hit the head, best to empty the warrior before the feast.
We nautical now?

>>44674448
>hit the head, best to empty the warrior before the feast.

>>44674448
>hit the head, best to empty the warrior before the feast.
When you gotta go, you gotta go.
Holding it in's not good for you.

>>44674448
>head straight to the bar
On the way there
>look for that drow

>>44674448
>>hit the head, best to empty the warrior before the feast.
Drain the dragon

>>44674448
>hit the head, best to empty the warrior before the feast.
Ha. Puny insecure elf at the urinal nearby. Tremble before the incredible hulk.

>>44674489
>>44674503
>>44674508
>>44674526
>>44674543
>>44674578
>>44674569

All that time standing outside has raised a horde in your bladder and they're looking to raid. You take the quickest route to the bathroom and position yourself next to the long trench dug into the floor for this purpose.

At the far end where the urine swirls toward the drain is a passed out elf. His hand is in the trench, dry... for the moment.

Someone in the toilet stalls behind you sounds quite ill.

>piss in the far end of the trench from the passed out elf
>try and move him so his hand isn't in the urinal trench
>check on that guy in the stall
>write-in

>>44674747
>>try and move him so his hand isn't in the urinal trench
That boy ain't right.

>>44674747
>piss in the far end of the trench from the passed out elf
Eh, let's not deal with more drunkards, we did that for the last shift.

>>44674747
>>try and move him so his hand isn't in the urinal trench
>check on that guy in the stall

>>44674747
First, get the elf and all his body parts away from the drain. Lean him against a wall or something. We can deal with him later when it's quieter.

>>44674747
>try and move him so his hand isn't in the urinal trench
As funny as it is, we don't want him touching anything we might touch later with piss-hands..

>>44674747
>try and move him so his hand isn't in the urinal trench
>check on that guy in the stall
Either we need to call the janitor or a medic

>>44674747
>>try and move him so his hand isn't in the urinal trench

>>44674803
But we didn't deal with any drunkards outside. Just one tweaker.

People came here to GET drunk.

>>44674985
My point is that we're on break, why do our job?

>>44675012
Because its called not being a dick.
If folks know you'll take care of them should they play by the rules, their more likely to listen to you.
Which means regulars are easier to handle and our job is easier.

>>44674747
>>check on that guy in the stall

>>44675012
This isn't even in the job description. It's sanitation.

>>44675065
No one will ever know this orc did nothin' in this context, so this has nothing to do with keeping up appearances.

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>>44674795
>>44674803
>>44674839
>>44674857
>>44674903
>>44674913
>>44674985
>>44675174

>remove elf

Reluctantly, you cease the process of undoing your breeches and go to check on the elf. He seems to be in good condition for being passed out, though the odd expression on his face seems to be... laughing at you?

Shifting him to a safer position, you finally get ready to unleash the flood when the door to the bathroom crashes open. Oh, Gruumsh. You already know who it is, even before the heavy hand claps down on your back.

"Orgrus! Heard you handled something outside quite nicely earlier!"

"I was just doing my job, Bromthus..."

"Nonsense! I always appreciate it when my employees put themselves on the line for the rest of us and I think that kind of devotion ought to be appreciated, don't you."

"Ought'ah leave me in peace, Bromthus."

"Oh, you and your old country pride. When will you learn to accept the gifts of others, Orgrus? In civilized society, we appreciate that kind of thing."

He's already undone his own breeches beside you and is pissing into the trench. You are having an awkward ability to do the same.

>tell him you'll try to adapt
>apologize for adhering to the ways of the old country
>ask him where his daughter is
>ask if he's seen a drow on the floor tonight
>Tell him he can repay you with a raise. A real one this time.
>Tell him to pass this "gift" on to the other employees, they need it more than you
>write-in

>>44675337
>an awkward time trying to do the same

>>44675337
>apologize for adhering to the ways of the old country

>>44675337
>Tell him he can repay you with a raise. A real one this time.
A man can dream.

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>>44675337
>the elf. He seems to be in good condition for being passed out, though the odd expression on his face seems to be... laughing at you?
>>Tell him he can repay you with a raise. A real one this time.

>>44675337
>Tell him he can repay you with a raise. A real one this time.
Well, this is banter.

>>44675337
>Tell him he can repay you with a raise. A real one this time.

>>44675337
>Tell him to pass this "gift" on to the other employees, they need it more than you

>>44675473
>>44675394
>>44675496
>>44675526

Your stream finally gains some momentum and the relief of relieving yourself gives you the chutzpah to get a little pushy with the old man.

"It's not that I'm unwilling to adapt, Bromthus. But maybe this time when you "repay" me, you can pay a little more."

The older orc's chins wobble in unison as he shakes his head.

"Simply impossible, Orgrus. The budget is pushed to the limit just to keep Simalon here."

"But you make a profit on Simalon, otherwise you wouldn't keep paying him."

"Please, use your mind. I'm close to taking a loss because of Simalon but I need him to compete. You know the Phoenix Nest one block over just got Doppelgnger dancers? If we don't keep Simalon on, this place will go out of business."

He sighs.

"But at least you're trying. Consider your drinks free for the night."

Your boss closes his breeches and leaves. You finally finish your turn as well (orc bladders are quite large). The man in the stall has stopped making noise.

>check the stall
>wash hands, head to the bar, may as well get those drinks
>go see if you can get a hold of Simalon
>Write-In

>>44675696
>wash hands, head to the bar, may as well get those drinks

>>44675696
But surely orc cock is proportionately large.

>>check the stall
The sound of silence.

>>44675696
>wash hands, head to the bar, may as well get those drinks
Well free drinks are free drinks.

>>44675696
>wash hands, head to the bar, may as well get those drinks
Also keep an eye out for that drow.

>>44675696
>check the stall

>>44675696
>wash hands, head to the bar, may as well get those drinks
Free is for me.

>>44675696
>check the stall
A simple "You okay in there?"
The last thing we need is a dead body taking up a stall.

>>44675696
>>wash hands, head to the bar, may as well get those drinks

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>>44675737
But due to the square-cube law, larger and larger genitalia fail to scale and maintain the same level of efficiency. That's just biology.

>>44675865
You're assuming that the square-cube law applies in fantasy. Here's a clue, a whizzard did it.

>>44675696
>Check the stall

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>>44675915
But he clearly didn't do it, as evidenced by the traditionally long orcish water making breaks due to their large bladders. Proving the orcish urethra strictly obeys known nonmagical principles of fluid outtake.

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>>44675865

My least favorite part of biomechanics.

>>44675717
>>44675737
>>44675744
>>44675746
>>44675747
>>44675762
>>44675827
>5 for free drinks, 3 for check stall

As you're washing your hands, the suspicious stall opens up and a young halfling shuffles out, wiping his mouth. He grabs the stool and gets up to the sink next to you, avoiding eye contact. There is still someone slumped over in the stall... but it seems like you should let them recover.

Heading out into the main chamber of the Cavern again, you find the party still raging. Bromthus is thankfully out of sight and the groupies have climbed up onto the stage with Simalon. One of them flashes the crowd and a wild cheer echoes through the establishment. You've seen better, you think, and sidle up to the bar.

"I heard you had a run in with Pops. He only wants the best for you, Orgrus."

The voice drips with educated sophistication.

"Taking your turn behind the bar tonight, eh Jarassa? Would'ah gotten out of this stinking hole if I were you."

"Well, you're not me. And no matter how rude you are, you still can't make you charge you for the drinks. No matter what your 'honor' demands."

The boss's daughter is cute but she uses honor like a foreign word.

What will you order?

>Dwarven ale (served hot)
>Shots of Gnomish pale liquor
>Wood Wine
>Shots of Orcish Spirits
>Distilled Drider Secretions

While you're drinking you:

>Observe Simalon some more
>continue bantering with Jarassa
>Search crowd for the drow
>Check what the Drow gave you
>just enjoy your drink quietly

>>44676080
I want an opinion from somebody with a PhD in Orcish Genital Biology. We need someone to shed some light on this.

>>44676156
>Shots of Orcish Spirits
>Check what the Drow gave you

>>44676156
>Shots of Orcish Spirits
>Check what the Drow gave you

>>44676156
>Shots of Orcish Spirits
>Check what the Drow gave you

>>44676156
>Shots of Orcish Spirits
>continue bantering with Jarassa

>>44676156
>Shots of Orcish Spirits
>Check what the Drow gave you
This night might turn interesting.

>>44676156
>Shots of Gnomish pale liquor
>Check what the Drow gave you

>>44676156
>Dwarven ale (served hot)
>>Observe Simalon some more

>Jug of Orcish Spirits

>>44676156
>>Shots of Orcish Spirits
>Check what the Drow gave you

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>>44676175
>>44676180
>>44676204
>>44676223
>>44676224
>>44676245
>>44676263

The cylinder is about 4 inches long, thin, and white. The outer wrapping sticks to you slightly, some kind of webbing? Both ends have been twisted shut and there's a message written in common on the body of the thing.

>Meet me behind the building in two hours

How did she make such minute symbols on something like this? You give the tiny cylinder a sniff and then it hits you; this is the good stuff.

You put the joint away as Jarassa returns with your shots of Orkish spirits. The caramel liquid in the glasses shake as the music intensifies behind you; looks like Simalon is pulling out all the stops. Special effects begin to go off, long streaks of colorful magic writhe in the air and cast crazy shadows past the dancing guests. The wizard has a human girl in one hand, an elf in the other, and a half naked gnomish girl straddling his neck as she makes out with his hat.

“Simalon is certainly doing well for himself tonight,” notes Jarassa.

“I envy him. He has respect wherever he goes and your father certainly seems prepared to lavish his true generosity on him.”

“True generosity? What do you mean?”

“I’m told the griffin’s share of the budget goes to Simalon and his production.”

“Does it? I didn’t know…”

You down your first three drinks in quick succession.

“Oh my, I’ll get you some more.”

She’s so soft-spoken for an full-blood orc, not like the girls back North…

The halfling from the bathroom sits down next to you and orders some shots of Gnomish pale. They shine like the moon and he gives you a conspiratorial glance. Simalon is casting a particularly complicated looking spell and you spot Bromthus emerging from the kitchen, his lips greasy with sampled goulash..

>I didn’t let you go so you could hit on me, halfling.
>Enjoying the music?
>That bastard in the stall better be alright
>Ignore him.
>Focus on Simalon
>Focus on Bromthus
>Look for trouble makers in the crowd

>>44676631
>Look for trouble makers in the crowd
And
>Ignore the halfling
Do our job. Business before pleasure.

>>44676631
>Look for trouble makers in the crowd

>>44676631
>That bastard in the stall better be alright
>Look for trouble makers in the crowd

>>44676631
>Ignore him.
>Look for trouble makers in the crowd
Might as well do our job before being ambushed behind the building Lewdly

>>44676631
>>That bastard in the stall better be alright
Poor little halfling boy.png

He couldn't handle Orgrus if he wanted to.

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>>44676743
>>44676713
>>44676702
>>44676683
>>44676682

"That bastard in the stall better be alright."

You growl for emphasis and the halfling becomes very jittery, drinking his pale quickly. He doesn't interact with you any further.

You turn your attention back to the floor as Jarassa refills your shot glasses. This time she leaves the jug for you...

Amid the dancers, you spot a figure moving surreptitiously. At first you think you might be imagining it but Simalon's special effects finally catch it with a burst of light. You recognize the shape as that of a kobold, a cutpurse no doubt, moving among the patrons... It must be male, as it's lingering around the well-endowed patrons most of all.

>try and sneak up on it
>confront it openly
>tell Jarassa
>Write-in

>>44676941
>>try and sneak up on it

>>44676941
>>try and sneak up on it

>>44676941
>tell Jarassa
>try and sneak up on it
Bad for the club if it get known that thieves can operate in it

>>44676941
>confront it openly
Let's NOT give it the advantage. And I imagine we stand out.

>>44676941
>>tell Jarassa
Get some backup as he's small, quick and we might need someone to help in the crowd.

>>44676941
>>confront it openly
We do not sneak rolls.

>>44676941
>tell Jarassa
>try and sneak up on it
Boss will have our head if we draw too much attention to the fact a cutpurse got in.

>>44676941
>tell Jarassa

>>44676967
>>44676972
>>44676974
>>44676976
>>44676996
>>44677013
>>44677093
>>44677099

>4 for sneak up, 2 for open confrontation, 4 for tell Jarassa

You summon Jarassa back to you and tell her about the Kobold cutting purses on the floor. The two of you quickly devise a plan for trapping it but you'll still have to catch the lizard for it to work..

As a lumbering green mountain of muscle that won't be easy but you've got plenty of experience with navigating crowded dance floors....

>roll 1d100!

Rolled 36 (1d100)

>>44677152
For Mother!

>>44677152
WAAAAAAGH

Rolled 74 (1d100)

>>44677152

Rolled 76 (1d100)

>>44677152

Rolled 92 (1d100)

>>44677176
>>44677152
ME NOT GOOD WITH ROLLING!

Rolled 76 (1d100)

>>44677152

>>44677171
>>44677183
>>44677196
>>44677210
>>44677218
Orgus is the sneakiest orc ever.

>>44677210
But you are good with stealth aparently

Bumping

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>>44677218
>>44677210
>>44677196
>>44677183
>>44677176
>>44677171
>Best Roll: 92

You slip almost effortlessly through the crowd, your sting operation neatly coinciding with one of Simalon's musical climaxes. Everyone is entirely too absorbed in the tunes to notice you and Jarassa fits right in as an enraptured dancer in an easy to quarantine section of the Cavern. She does a hell of a job playing the part too...

The Kobold cannot resist. You spot him moving towards Jarassa within moments of her taking position and you follow behind him at a safe distance. As he creeps in to try and slice upon her purse, you collar him. Jarassa catches his knife hand and puts him into a wristlock, kicking the knife beneath an unoccupied table.

Together, you both lift the Kobold over to that same table and lay him out on it.

"Ey, 'ey, not so rough!"

"You little prick. You lowlife. You piece of shit."

"Lady, lady, please I didn't do any-"

You catch Jarassa's descending fist with your own freehand. You can see the onset of a Ripta clouding her eyes...

>Just calm down
>threaten the kobold
>Hit the kobold for her
>Search him for stolen posessions
>write-in

>>44677473
>Search him for stolen posessions
First thing to do.

>>44677473
>Search him for stolen posessions
>Just calm down

Dont scare the guests or embarrass the club

>>44677473
>While searching him for stolen posessions, be the good cop to Jarassa's bad cop.

>>44677473
>write-in
Take him somewhere less public. Trying to steal in this establishment is a really bad idea.

>>44677473
>Just calm down
>Search him for stolen posessions
>write-in
Scare the kobold.
Whisper loud enough that the kobold hears but not anyone else.
"Hey, not in the club! Remember, that's what we got the basement for. It just got cleaned out, so try not to get it too dirty, alright?"

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>>44677473
>>Hit the kobold for her
That's his job.

No Ripta

Inviting her was a mistake.

>>44677588
Ha! I like it!

Changing from>>44677499

>>44677588
Supporting this, all the way.

>>44677499
>>44677519
>>44677534
>>44677536
>>44677588
>>44677601
>>44677602
>>44677847

>4 for search, 3 for going somewhere less public, 2 for calm down Jarassa, 1 for hit the kobold for her

You release Jarassa's fist and it slams down on the table next to the Kobold's head, loud enough to briefly turn the heads of some nearby patrons. Soft urban upbringing or no, she's still full-blooded alright...

You give the Kobold a quick pat down, trying to identify where it stashed everything. Once you've got it figured out, you whisper to Jarassa just loud enough for the Kobold to hear.

"We can't take care of him here."

"The game room is locked up tonight. W-w-we could take care of him there."

Her hands are shaking from the Ripta. It will take some time for it to dissapate so you figure you may as well go somewhere private.

The Kobold, overhearing all of this, immediately begins shouting about how you're kidnapping him but you whirl around to reassure worried patrons that this is strictly club business. They don't seem likely to take action but the Kobold's distress is surely making them uneasy. You lean in to whisper to him.

"You shouldn'tah come here, sleekscale. Anything else you say, it's only gonna make this harder on you."

He pipes down then and you carry him to the game room, escorted by Jarassa.

The game room smells of leaking magical game cabinets, sweet and smoky in equal measure. There are several excellent options for securing the Kobold while you teach him a lesson.

>strap him to the snooker table
>tie him to the giant spinning roulette wheel the cavern uses for its weekly axe throwing contests
>suspend in the goblin dunk tank
>disconnect one of the machines from the wall, get a cable of raw electrical current running

>>44677898
>tie him to the giant spinning roulette wheel the cavern uses for its weekly axe throwing contests
That will surely scare him.

>>44677898
>tie him to the giant spinning roulette wheel the cavern uses for its weekly axe throwing contests

>>44677898
Or we could just beat him until he stops being solid.

>>44677898
>>strap him to the snooker table
Im a sucker for the more classy options.

>>44677898
>tie him to the giant spinning roulette wheel the cavern uses for its weekly axe throwing contests

With this as a prop now we're basically a Batman villain.

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>>44677898
>tie him to the giant spinning roulette wheel the cavern uses for its weekly axe throwing contests
If only we could get the rest of the bouncers and a grenade, we could host Grenade Golf or Grenade Gameshow.

>>44677898
>>>strap him to the snooker table

I just like the imagry.

>>44678112
What the hell is snooker?

>>44678173
Fancy term for pool/billards.

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>>44678173

Like pool but bigger and britishier.

>>44678112

Yeah, someone get that kobold drawing anon...

>>44678002
>>44677996
>>44677972
>>44677934
>>44677926
>4 for roulette wheel, 2 for snooker table, 1 for turning him into gelatin

After relieving him of two pounds of jewelry you settle on tying the Kobold to the spinning roulette wheel on the wall. He whimpers continuously throughout the process but at this point you're doing this as much for your own entertainment as to teach him a lesson. After all, bullying Kobolds is basically the Orkish national sport.

Jarassa brings out the axes and you give the wheel a mighty spin. She's essentially a ringer at this, having competed in the Cavern's weekly contest since she was old enough to throw. But you're no slouch either.

The two of you awkwardly try to figure out who will go first as the spinning Kobold emits a warbling distress call.

>take the first throw
>let Jarassa throw first
>find something less lethal to throw... perhaps darts. Less clean-up that way.
>let him go, he's scared enough
>Write-in

>>44678312
>>let Jarassa throw first

>>44678312
>let Jarassa throw first
Ladies first.

>>44678361
>>44678381

"This is your domain, you should take first throw Jarassa."

"T-thank you."

She takes an axe from the rack and walks directly to the designated throwing position. That's odd, you think, she usually checks the weight first. As she cocks back her arm to throw, you realize that her hands are still shaking and remember that she has not entirely recovered from the Ripta yet. But the axe has already left her hand...

>roll 1d100 for Jarassa's throw!

Rolled 34 (1d100)

>>44678507

Rolled 22 (1d100)

>>44678507

rip kobold

Rolled 45 (1d100)

>>44678507

>>44678507

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>>44678361
>>44678381
You fools. I leave for 15 minutes.

Rolled 19 (1d100)

>>44678507

Rolled 19 (1d100)

>>44678507
Awshit, we're going one in trouble now.

>>44678507
dice+1d100
I think we may have made a tinsy tiny mistake.

Rolled 84 (1d100)

>>44678619
How did I fuck that up...

I don't know if a bad roll means the Kobold dies or doesn't die.

>>44678535
>>44678542
>>44678553
>>44678581
>>44678583
>>44678640
>>44678699
>>44678619

>Best Roll:45

"Awp!"

Blood gushes from the wound, drips down the axe handle. Despite Jarassa's Ripta afflicted hands, the throw was still dead center... and in more ways than one.

"I'll get the mop-" you start, trying to relieve any situational awkwardness but you notice that Jarassa hasn't moved from the spot. As she charges the wheel you burst into motion simultaneously to try and stop her. You had forgotten how strong the effects of the Ripta could be.

>roll 1d100 for stopping her before she reaches the wheel!

Rolled 45 (1d100)

>>44678711

Rolled 40 (1d100)

>>44678711
HWG

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>>44678711
local orc ruins everything.png

Rolled 35 (1d100)

>>44678711
Oh shit, is the City Guard going to get involved?

Rolled 94 (1d100)

>>44678711
time for murder!

Rolled 9 (1d100)

>>44678711
Dammit, I'm not building a new wheel if you tear this one to pieces Jarassa.

Rolled 28 (1d100)

>>44678711

>>44678843
We been saved
>>44678847
Kill your self to improve the dice

>>44678843
horray, we're competent again!

>>44678735
>>44678769
>>44678778
>>44678810
>>44678843
>>44678847
>>44678848
>Best roll: 94

You hurdle the corner of the snooker table and attempt to tackle Jarassa as she rushes the wheel. You're able to catch her long before she makes it even halfway and bring her to the ground. She struggles with you and claws at your face but you're eventually able to pin her without either of you getting hurt.

The blood instinct must have overwhelmed her... if she had reached the wheel, she would have cut the kobold to ribbons. Not a problem for the kobold but certainly a problem for you in terms of clean-up, nevermind what would have happened if she broke the wheel.

She lays underneath you, breathing heavily and fangs clenched. You maintain eye contact until she stops pushing back against you and the swollen capillaries in her eyes recede. You let her go and she turns away.

"I'm sorry. I got so angry before when we caught the Kobold, thinking about what you told me about how the Cavern is struggling just to pay Simalon and how creeps like this could ruin my father. I don't know what happened."

"You've never experienced the ripta before?"

"Only once or twice when I got into fights as a child... I thought I had outgrown it."

"An orc never outgrows the ripta."

"I know that now. Please leave, I'll clean this up myself."

>try and reassure her, tell her that she shouldn't be ashamed
>respect her wishes and leave
>offer to clean with her, even though that will take hours
>write-in

>>44679059
>>respect her wishes and leave
proud independent orc who don't need no nothin

>>44679059
>try and reassure her, tell her that she shouldn't be ashamed
"No matter what your father says the Ripta is a part of us, it is in our blood and from it sprang our first honour codes."

>>44679059
>>try and reassure her, tell her that she shouldn't be ashamed
Then leave and check Simalon

>>44679059
>>respect her wishes and leave

>>44679199
>>44679175
>>44679094
>2 for try and reassure her, 2 for leave

You turn to leave but your conscience stops you. You can't let her live in shame like this.

"No matter what your father says the Ripta is a part of us, it is in our blood and from it sprang our first honour codes."

She looks at you with tears in her eyes.

"Well I don't want it to be a part of me, you stupid northerner!"

The axe misses your head by just a few inches. If she had wanted to hit you she would have but you take this as your cue to leave...

Exiting the game room, you find that the club is continuing to heat up even as the worst parts of the morning approach. You have about an hour until you're supposed to meet with that Drow....

Simalon is obviously drunk (but still performing quite well) and Bromthus has taken over serving the drinks.

>go tell Brom about the mess in the backroom, his daughter needs him right now
>go make sure Simalon gets his supply cut... he's supposed to perform for another two hours
>get a drink from Bromthus to settle your nerves, give him the kobold jewelry
>check on rufus, give him the kobold jewelry

>>44679498
>go tell Brom about the mess in the backroom, his daughter needs him right now

>>44679498
>go tell Brom about the mess in the backroom, his daughter needs him right now

Might let the thread sit after the next prompt and resume sometime tomorrow.

>>44679613
>>44679669

You tell Bromthus about what's going on in the gameroom and he takes off at a jog, the closest a man of his size can come to actually running. If you weren't on bedrock right now, you're sure the ground would shake.

You get behind the counter and help yourself to the jug of Orkish spirits. Behind you Simalon teeters off his stage and the crowd collectively holds their breath until he gets back up again, hair and hat even more askew than before, to continue the party.

You feel badly about what happened in the game room and you're ready for this evening to end when you hear an extremely loud THUNK from the men's room.

>investigate
>just drink your drink, it's probably just some drunk who fell over
>go check on rufus
>go hassle Simalon for fun
>Write-in

>>44679770
>investigate
Wait make sure someone can watch the bar to ensure no one starts stealing drinks

>>44679770
What about that drow chick?

>>44679883
Duty and Honor before Pleasure

>>44679883
This. When did she want to meet us? How long until then.

>>44679948
He said it you geniuses.

>You have about an hour until you're supposed to meet with that Drow....
He's obviously tracking the clock and will tell you when it's time.

>>44679770
>>investigate
Poor halfling fuccboi.

>>44679791
Seconding this.

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>>44679948
>>44679883
See:>>44679498
>
Exiting the game room, you find that the club is continuing to heat up even as the worst parts of the morning approach. You have about an hour until you're supposed to meet with that Drow....

>>44679791
>>44679883
>>44679994

>investigate

You're about to let the issue go when the THUNK repeats itself, much louder this time. Simalon, drunk as he is, cuts the music and the party freezes. You look out into the crowd and spot the Drow girl you let in earlier. She sees you as well and then both of you turn towards the Men's room. One more THUNK, just as loud.

The crowd watches as you cautiously approach the bathroom, unsure as to what you'll find. Just as you get near you spot a large black shape moving within. Fear clutches your gut but you resist it, reaching your your baton. It's dwarven-made, like Rufus's but you usually prefer not to use it.

You enter the bathroom swiftly and narrowly avoid being crushed by a giant form that lumbers awkwardly past you on two legs.

A lycanthrope.

A drunk one. It crashes into the urinal trench and seems to be extremely upset. It's making noises to itself that sound vaguely like "where" and struggling to stand up...

>try and talk to it, see what it wants
>escort it from the premises
>beat it into submission while its down, you probably won't get another shot like this
>tell it it doesn't have to go home but it can't stay here
>write-in

Time to find elf trap and screw it with Orc dick.

>>44680127
>>try and talk to it, see what it wants
While
>>escort it from the premises

>>44680127
>>escort it from the premises
But if it doesn't comply
>>beat it into submission while its down, you probably won't get another shot like this

>>44680127
>try and talk to it, see what it wants
>escort it from the premises

>>44680127
>>try and talk to it, see what it wants

>escort it from the premises

>>44680155
Support.

>>44680127
>>write-in
>Touch fluffy tail,you probably won't get another shot like this

>>44680148
Only elf we found was passed out. Could've destroyed a halfling though if hadn't scared him off.

>>44680199
>>44680186
>>44680155
>>44680244
>>44680148
>>44680247
>>44680295

In the name of all things Orky, is it crying? What a shameful example of a lycanthrope.

"Where?!" it whimpers.

"Where what?"

The response is slurred and barely recognizable coming from a bestial muzzle but you're able to get the gist of it.

"Where did he go?"

It occurs to you that this must be the man that the halfling left behind, passed out. As far as you know, the halfling probably isn't here anymore but the lycanthrope doesn't know that. Perhaps you can escort him out if you can convince him his "friend" is just waiting outside.

>roll 1d100 to escort the Lycanthrope from the building without incident.

>>44680326
A little surprised that didn't show up earlier desu.

Rolled 85 (1d100)

>>44680350

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>>44680127
>a giant form that lumbers awkwardly past you on two legs.
>A drunk one. It crashes into the urinal trench and seems to be extremely upset.

Crashing this big guy.

With no survivors.

Rolled 73 (1d100)

>>44680350
HWG

Rolled 64 (1d100)

>>44680350
Guess he had a thing for big guys.

Now to find someone willing to take the knot.

Rolled 41 (1d100)

>>44680350

>>44680425
It would be extremely painful

I'll take up to 5 rolls btw.

>>44680391
Jesus.

>>44680380
Is planting elf traps in my quest expected behavior? Hmmmmm.

Rolled 77 (1d100)

>>44680350

Rolled 75 (1d100)

>>44680350

>>44680455
For you.

>>44680476
No just something that seems to come up occasionally in an Orc quest.

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>>44680476
What else are elves if not cocksleeves for superior races?

>>44680476
Well it ain't gonna suck itself.

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>>44680589
That's just, like, your opinion man.

>>44680384
>>44680404
>>44680425
>>44680455
>>44680487
>>44680488
>Best roll: 85

You help the inebriated Werebear to his feet. He's incredibly heavy and is continually trying to place his entire weight on you, so its a struggle.

As you do the advanced geometry required to fit you both through the bathroom door, you start telling the lycanthrope all about his friend and how he just took a short trip outside for some air. This news seems to enliven him a little and makes the trip a little easier.

As you leave the bathroom, Simalon spots you. He's left the stage and secured himself a place behind the bar to pour himself drinks. He raises a spontaneous round of applause for you from the crowd which, although a little awkward, does seem to comfort the lycanthrope a bit more. Another orc in the crowd witnesses your struggle to carry the mammoth werebear and rushes forward to help, leaving behind his human date.

The three of you climb the stairs on a trip that takes forever. Just in time for you to reach the top, the lycanthrope passes out again and reverts to human form. You and your anonymous assistant share some exhausted laughter and then you call a cab for the address given on the lyncanthropes collar.

All things considered, that could have gone a lot worse.

It's almost time for your scheduled appointment with the Drow.

>give jewelry to Rufus
>go back downstairs, get Brom to kick Simalon out from behind the bar
>go around back to wait for the Drow
>write-in

>>44680698
>>go back downstairs, get Brom to kick Simalon out from behind the bar
Gige jewelry to a rom then go meet drow lady.

>>44680698
>give jewelry to Rufus
"Now we're married. No takebacks!"

>>44680698
>give jewelry to Rufus
>go back downstairs, get Brom to kick Simalon out from behind the bar

>>44680735
Give jewelry to brom

>>44680750
Yes this.

Wouldn't want to get the stolen jewels re-stolen in the alley.

Maybe try some of that cylinder's contents early...

BIG ORC DICKS
TINY ELF PRICKS

>>44680815
I thought the asshole was a halfing

>>44680815
Shhh, not so loud.

>>44680836
>bear is so drunk he passes out in the middle of things
>do nothing but make eye contact with orc
Halfling did nothing wrong.

>>44680698
>give jewelry to Rufus
And get the guy who helped you a free drink.

>>44680698
So what's up with the werebear fuck he was hulking out for?

>>44680836
These are hypothetical elves.

>>44680768
>>44680750
>>44680735
>>44680881
>>44680943

>give jewelry to Rufus

"Here you go, buddy, we're married now."

"What?!"

"No takebacks."

"You can't be serious!"

The dwarf frantically strokes his beard while you try to suppress your laughter. Finally you tell him the truth.

"I see... these need to be returned to their rightful owners. But how will they know that I have their jewels."

"You could'ah wear them."

"Of course, that makes sense."

The Orc who helped you carry the lycanthrope interjects.

"Won't he have to worry about getting robbed, wearing all that openly?"

You look down on Rufus Silversmith, 4 feet of pure muscle and dwarven stubbornness.

"I pity the fool who tries, orc-kin."

Back down in the cavern, you find that Brom has already reclaimed himself behind the bar but Simalon has finished his performance for the night. When you ask where he is, Brom merely points to a spot on the floor at the end of the bar; the wizard is curled up with a trickle of drool leaking from his mouth. When you ask about Jarassa, he tells you it's best to leave her alone for now. You tell him to give your orcish friend a drink and move on.

It looks like you only have one major decision left for the evening.

>see the drow
>don't see the drow

>>44680943
Backing free drink idea. Get him two, least then he can go back to his GF with something to show for his deeds.

>>44680989
>see the drow
Be ready for a fight though, even if she gave us that dank kush.

>>44680975

I used werebear and lycanthrope interchangeably. I realize there may be some linguistic debate over whether or not that's proper and if there isn't, I encourage you to start it.

>>44680975
It's his fetish.

>>44680989
>don't see the drow
Gruumsh broke with Lolth for a reason.

>>44680989
>see the drow

If nothing else, need to make sure she dosen't come to harm behind the club.

>>44680989
>see the drow
She gave us a free blunt. Can't turn back after that.

>>44680989
>>see the drow

>>44680989
>>see the drow

>fight between patrons
>the aggressor gets let in and the attackee doesn't

>>44680989
>see the drow

>>44681071
Eh, the human was an SJW trying to speak for a DROW MISTRESS of all people. She got what she deserved.

>>44681071
The human woman was the main instigator of aggression, and we baited the drow. Really we were not going to win either way.

>>44680989
>see the drow

>>44680975
He had bathroom club sex and was drugged?

>>44681137
I think he just got a grade S blow job and passed out

>>44681025
>>44681028
>>44681032
>>44681034
>>44681041
>>44681061
>>44681105
>>44681133
>8 for see, 1 for don't

You take the joint out of your pocket, read the words again and look around. She's gone from inside the Cavern, so she must be waiting for you, right?

You head toward the back exit, climbing the stairs behind the kitchen. The chef, a middle aged female human, has fallen asleep in the corner with her wooden spoon still in hand. You don't wake her (she works hard enough to earn a little shut-eye) but you do sample the goulash on your way. It really is very good.

The Drow is standing alone. She looks small and alone in the cold darkness of the alleyway but she's already lit up a joint of her own and it glows in the darkness like a pinprick of Gruumsh's red-hot rage.

You take out her gift.

"Mistress," you begin, "I require a light."

She doesn't speak, she only bends over until her face is level with your joint and lights it with the one in her mouth. Then she resumes her upright stance.

You take a puff. The gaslamps of the city always look better at 4 am, you think as the smoke whirls away from you. The way it swivels and turns in on itself makes you think of the party. So you're surprised when her hand touches yours.

>End Thread

I went ahead and archived the thread, in case anyone wants to vote on it. I'm also happy to receive your thoughts right here.

>http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?searchall=Orc+Bouncer+Quest

If you liked the quest, you can follow my ongoing quest, Exterminator Quest, on twitter @qmsimmons

If you want to read the backlog for that, just search the archive, it's not hard to find.

>>44681235
Halflings. No gag reflexes.

Although I wonder if that's sufficient to explain the noises...
>>44674747
>Someone in the toilet stalls behind you sounds quite ill.

>>44681340
You brilliant motherfucker i really like the world of this quest,

>>44681494
What false advertising in the tags. Didn't get to give anyone their daily dose.

>>44681602
Huh? The world itself seems fairly standard.

File: dragondicks-kobolds.jpg (350 KB, 600x779)

350 KB JPG

>>44681517
No, that's kobolds.

...Man, maybe the pool table would have had a higher survival chance for thief-kun.

How can an orc bully him if he's not healthy and alive enough to suffer?

File: how about I.jpg (16 KB, 293x208)

16 KB JPG

>>44681615

Apologies, after only one foray I still lack confidence in my smut writing. In the meantime, you are encouraged to use your imagination.

>>44681602
>>44681653

It is pretty standard. I tried to stick to stuff that exists in already written settings for once while mixing in some old-fashioned bouncer stories and a little drama. The end result felt real cozy to me.

>>44681517

The nice thing about writing things like "they sound ill" is how ambiguous it is...

>>44681686

Aside from magically electrocuting him, you guys pretty much went for the most lethal (re: fun) option. Kind of blew your shot with Jarassa though.

I am glad a consensus was quickly reached on gnome hurling though.

>>44681779
'rassa worst girl

Should've let human and gnome in, see what happens.

>>44681779
But it's so difficult to imagine the halfing's puny fingers grasping at the material of our breeches, with his little nose just brushing against our belly while his neck visibly bulges, swallowing desperately with his throat constricting around our orcish choad like the world's hottest tightest bag of holding.

Or the bear bursting in crying just as we're about to finish.

>>44681779
>It is pretty standard. I tried to stick to stuff that exists in already written settings for once
What the hell is Ripta from then

>>44683583
it's probably just a reword of blood rage.