Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking. Us? A Rogue Trader and his group of Officers armed with too much explosives and too little sense actually doing something nice for the crew? Yes, I was surprised at first when Jarron and the drunken mess of a man I'm supposed to call a Seneschal came up with the plan, but, you see, the crew was practically in a state of constant revolt. We'd be lucky if we got any of them to shut the fuck up about the week's latest cause for complaint and get right the hell to work, and we couldn't put into dock without half the crew deserting because their quarters are apparently supposed to be worse than even the hab blocks in the Lower Hive.

You ask me? I can't tell the fucking difference between the two. Then again, I'm supposed to be a walking talking extra-emotionless vending machine. Not sure where they got that impression, since even if I am a Tech-Priest and half my body is made of metal doesn't mean I've suddenly turned into a servitor with extra functions. Infact, my dick hasn't even been replaced with an impact wrench yet. I think, anyway, not actually sure. I'll have to check next time I'm alone.

But, onto matters aside, the fact that we were converting a decent portion of the ship into luxurous quarters turned quite a few ears. Some asshole that we haven't got around to shooting yet decided to leak the news, and within days an entire cascade of fuckers with pockets overflowing with Gelt showed up politely asking us for transport to a nearby pleasure planet for a holiday cruise. Or, to translate it to Low Gothic, "Here is a huge box full of gold, get us the fuck off this planet."

Presented with this much money, we accepted. Which in hindsight was a bad idea, but at the time we didn't realize just how many fucking people were there. It wasn't just the Nobles, since if then we could've handled it, even if a planet named "Necrosseus" somehow had a bigger than average count of stuck-up assholes. Since most of them had no intent of returning to this hellhole of a planet with a name that sounds like a disease on the frontline of a territorial conflict with the Tau, they brought with them their retainers and servants, topping out at 7081 heads, counting the one two-headed freak that we were paid extra amounts of gold to ignore.

Remember this 7081 figure. Because we're going to manage to get most, if not all, of them killed.

Our ship was quite big, but the max we could stick onboard was around 25,500 before the life support machines started chugging and getting pissed, so that was 7000 toadies uselessly lounging around wasting space and enjoying the fruits of our labor that is non-toxic air and a ship that's not threatening to break apart and vent all the air into the void because we hit an asteroid, along with about twelve thousand crew, keeping in mind we were understaffed at the time and the mass-conscription on the planet at the time was really putting a damper on our attempts to recruit more crew.

Naturally, they took up the luxury quarters. All of it. Normally we could've fit tens of thousands of crewmembers into those quarters comfortably, but the space demands of these nobles were ridiculous, with some even taking entire rooms just so they could store their luggage, and the servants and retainers weren't any better, since they were taking advantage of their noble patron to get as much as they could possibly get before we just flat out said "No." and used a hammer to nail the point in.

And naturally, the crew were PISSED. They were promised luxury quarters that were promptly taken up by these snotty head-up-ass types, then shunted to the corridors and their respective compartments. Remember, the Crew Quarters were turned into these luxury quarters that were used up by said nobles, and after the tenth assault charge and two crew deaths due to overzealous House Guards, we had to put a stop to it and tell the crew to stop interacting with the nobles and just camp in the hallways or something, which did nothing to improve the situation.

Throwing money at the situation didn't help, and we had a deadline to achieve, so we resigned ourselves to having to deal with the crew and left port.

As you can imagine, the crew weren't very glad or productive, and by day four I was resorting to threatening to start shooting people with my bolter if they didn't work just to get anything done. And by day five, mutiny.

Fortunately, this mutiny didn't actually target us. The crew knew we were doing the best we could but still had a reason to be extremely pissed off and angry. And to let this steam off, they attacked the luxury quarters en-masse, where the nobles had been staying and where we told them not to fucking go if they didn't want to be shot by House Guards or something.

After butchering the House Guards, breaking doors, destroying furniture and generally being vandals, we got several vox calls from the mutineers. Apparently, they haven't killed all the nobles yet, and are instead holding them hostage and demanding Gelt. Ridiculous amounts of money at that, and the alternative being the death of the nobles.

Now, at this point a more sensible Captain would find another way. Usually this means negotciating with the mutineers, perhaps assassinating the leaders or even launching a full-blown assault to dislodge the mutineers. But we had enough of this shit.

And I was referring to the shit that the nobles were giving us.

We concocted a rather evil plan, one that would've turned inquisitorial heads if word had gone out. Now, I know that the best way to determine if your plan is stupid and/or suicidical is to think "Would the Inquisition kill me if they found out about it?", to which the answer would be yes. But we weren't determined, because quite frankly, we made the conversion for the crew, and we weren't going to have a bunch of shitheads come in and decide THEY want to have it instead, so we went to our smuggling compartments, popped them open, and retrieved a whole bunch of heretical texts and daemonic artefacts.

Now, now, calm the fuck down. We're shady dicks in space, remember? Now close that mouth before I decide to put a power drill in it. That's active.

The plan that we had thought up was simple, yet effective. The Arch-Militant would sneak into the quarters with a handful of the heretical shit and start planting them around the place to make it seem like the nobles were secrely cultists. After turning off the ventiliation systems for a while for a "Malfunctioning Cogitator" so that the fans didn't kill the Arch-Militant whilst he crawled around in them, he managed to secret a few of these texts and artefacts in locations where the looting mutineers were bound to find.

Our gambit paid off. Their loyalty to the God-Emperor was greater than their needs, and in a few days the leader of the mutineers approached us under a flag of peace. They had found the heretical texts, and after braining a few nobles, they came to us and told us of the situation, that there were "Heretics" there.

After profusely thanking them and making up some bullshit about swearing that they were unusual, we partnered up with the Mutineers, mustered the crew, and marched down to the quarters.

Deprived of their guards and being already helpless, they fell like wheat to a scythe as we slaughtered them under the pretense that they were heretics, usually backed up by us "finding" heretical tomes that we had dropped, pointing to it, then calling that proof that these were heretics, before picking it back up and repeating the procedure over and over again.

By the time the culling of the noble leeches was over, we had killed a good half of them and thrown their corpses into a pyre for a mass-burning. Reason why we stopped was because by the time we killed half of them, we had sufficient space for the crew to actually sleep in, albeit with the need to triple-bunk. We killed a few more out of necessity, then called the purge over.

Of course, the crew wouldn't have slept in rooms belonging to former "Cultists", so we had the confessor take over and cleanse the room of the "taint" present. Keeping in mind that our confessor was none other than the ever so legendary Victrian Gile, also known as the page boy that dropped out of Ministorium Sunday School and couldn't sense the taint if there was a daemon standing infront of him. He'd probably think it was a mutant in the seconds before he gets chopped in half.

But that was only half of the nobles killed. You want to know more? Of course you do.

After gathering all the heretical stuff, setting it on fire and spacing the remains out the airlock, we prepared the ship for warp travel, turned on the gellar fields, and launched straight to the collective seizure that is the Warp. Lovely place, if you like paintings leaping out of their frames and trying to beat you to death.

Most of the trip was quite pleasant. The gellar field had kept itself up, right and dandy, stopping all the tentacle monsters from getting to us and all. But about several weeks later at the end of the trip through the Warp, the buzzers turned on and the Navigator started screaming about warp debris.

It took a few moments for us to take in what the Navigator said before said warp debris slammed into us, creating quite an impressive gash and lodging part of itself into the side of the ship. Our gellar field had flickered thanks to this violent event, and when the pilot tried to leave the warp due to the fact that we were at the destination, we were politely informed that something is stopping us from dropping out of the Warp.

Well, fuck. Since we didn't know what was stopping us from leaving the warp, we didn't really know what to do besides grab a few of the nearest blokes and send them across the ship to try and figure things out. There may have been better ways, but it was the quickest. We would've thought up of other plans after said people scoured the ship and returned.

And returned they did. Most of them unharmed. Two of them were missing, and as we were contemplating mustering the crew, one of the two missing ran back, completely stark naked with a jagged, poorly-tourinqueted stump of a left-arm bleeding everywhere. And batshit insane.

After calming the naked man down, he stopped babbling, shook his head, and just about the moment he babbled out "Erotic Daemonic Beauties" was about the moment we torched him with a hand-flamer.

After swapping through the pict-recorders to the location where we sent the poor bastard, which was to the luxurous quarters, we looked on in horror as we beheld a horde of Slaaneshi Daemons. Including a Keeper of Secrets. I had to smash the screen at that point to stop the others from being too enamoured with it.

Whilst I was comforting the machine spirit about the violent action I had been forced to perform upon it, the rest of them made up their plan. Having a Greater Daemon onboard, also known as an Extremely Fucking Bad Situation, meant drastic action had to be taken.

We mustered the crew, grabbing anyone we could, and we formed our own personal anti-daemon squad. Which, by the way, consisted of any person who could wield a gun and chant atleast five lines of the Litanies of the Emperor, which was most of the crew, then had the Seneschal head down with a few of the bigger deck dregs to haul an Ordinatus Shell up.

By the time we assembled the men, the Seneschal had arrived with the Ordinatus Shell. Several kilotons of explosives being hauled behind us later, we started arguing about how to actually set the thing off, and our best solution was to just stick a bomb to the bomb so that when the bomb explodes it would detonate the bomb as well.

So we did just that, and we managed to restrain ourselves from just sticking every plasma charge we had on it under the pretense that it won't detonate if we turn most of the shell into powdered dust, and for the second time in this one trip we marched right back the fuck down into the Luxury Quarters with a ton of guns and a ton of explosives. Well, technically kilotons of explosives but nevermind that.

Anybody that has fought Slaaneshi Daemons and lived to tell the tale will tell you the same thing. Most of the ammunition won't be fired at the Slaaneshi Daemons as much as it will be fired blindly with eyes closed, or fired at each other, whether it's because someone has gotten way too protective of his new Mistress or because you're shooting someone that has gotten too enamoured with them.

But, we managed it. After killing more of the crew than we did the Daemons, we pushed them back into the middle of the luxury quarters, pushed the Ordinatus Shell up, primed the bomb that was attached to the bomb, and ran away as fast as we could throwing anything that vaguely looked like a grenade or explosive behind us.

And it was at this point that the Keeper of Secrets decided to emerge from one of the rooms. One man pointed it out, others started looking, the man next to them wondered what was behind us, and then it spoke.

It was the smoothest and most exquisite voice that any of us had ever heard. This prompted more than a few heads to turn, and although I shut off my noise senses off, the fleshbags with me did not have the luxury of having such a useful control over your senses, and I saw more than a few stopping to gaze, and the sporatic shots that were fired at us spoke volumes about what the damned thing was speaking, but thankfully, most of us didn't care. The Trader had apparently "Heard better", the Seneschal was too topped off on amasec to realize what was going on, bless his drunken heart, I couldn't hear anything and the Arch-Militant managed to run so fast that he was already far away out of sight by the time it had even showed up, and the forced chanting of the men drowned out the voice for those that were lucky enough to be far away when it spoke.

After we ran out of sight far away from the luxury quarters, the Arch-Militant hit the detonator and triggered the bomb stuck to the bomb, and the bomb exploded, thus activating the bomb that the bomb was stuck to due to the bomb's detonation. Even though we were about a mile away, we were still tossed to our feet when it detonated, and like clockwork, the distinct feeling of the ship leaping out of the warp back to the normal sane universe was perfect. Not one man in that room didn't feel extremely happy when that happened, and thank the Omnissiah for that. I think half of us were about ready to shoot ourselves if we found out it didn't do the job.

After we took tally, we found out that this little daemonic incursion had been handy in killing a good portion of the surviving nobles from the earlier purge. I think only 25% of them were left from the original 7081 by the time we dropped out of the warp.

But that wasn't it for our noble friends. Nope. Due to the handy fact that we had planted evidence that they were cultists, proceeded by the fact that daemons appeared, launched the crew into a frenzy, and they were just about to mob up, charge in and lynch the rest of the nobles when we informed them that we were calling the Inquisition. I think a few faces paled at that, thank the Omnissiah that most deck dregs are quite stupid, because we had alot of agreeing voices.

The gist of the message to the Inquisition was essentially, "DAEMONS SUMMONED, NOBLES FOUND TO BE CULTISTS.". Of course, it was longer than that, but that was basically the sum of it.

Now, the Inquisition isn't really fond of Daemons and Heretics. And quite handily, too, because when an Interrogator showed up, we just presented the Nobles, told our stories, obviously leaving out the whole planting evidence fact, then had the crew collaborate. There were a few that didn't, but they were quite handy, because the Interrogator shot them, thinking they got corrupted, even though they did raise a few legitimate points about it being way too handy and convenient.

By the time the Interrogator finished up, all the nobles were dead, including their retainers and servants. Somehow, this fact seems to gladden me. It may be the Techpriest inside of me thinking that the galaxy is better off without an entire caste of society that provides no actual benefit besides using up resources, but then again, I agree with that statement. Fuck Nobles.

Then again, we aren't very good at handling nobility...

Well, that's it, fellas. Give any opinions you feel are apt, since this is the first time I've actually posted some writing here on /tg/.

10/10
Fuck the bourgeoisie

I liked it. I wish I had a fun group to play with.

>>43522068
Well written, enjoyed reading it. Not the most unusual of stories, as "apply explosives" solves about any problem in any 40k Storytime, but still fun to hear.

bump

Aww shit, have I got some stories from my Rogue Trader group. Give me like 5 minutes and I'll be back to start them off.

First I'll begin telling the story of Lord Zyrotec, the Outcast Lord of the Clar'tan Dynasty, and my buddies incredible ability to play an insane Necron Lord that somehow still manages to be a part of the group.

waiting patiently

Great blog bro

>>43525988

Some background on the group:

>Rogue Trader: El Altezo-Generalissmo Manuel Renaldo Constantino Corono-Modelo de Tecate (Colloquial goes by "Senor de Tecate, Senor, Sir, and "Manny" (though only one person may call him that)).

200-year old Rogue Trader who formerly was a Coronel in the 18th/24th Tecate Rifles. Was "given" a Warrant to remove him from the political scene by his rivals who vied for Generalissimo. While he is a very flashy and ostentatious womanizer full of machismo and male jelly, he is also an extremely practical man, willing to employ stealth, subterfuge, diplomacy, palm-greasing, and violence in equal measure, and has no problems leading his men from the front (in fact he prefers it). His aide is centuries-old woman whom he calls "Abuela," who dotes on him as if he were her grandson (and he just might be). Hates heretics, ambivalent to most Xenos save the Orks, and has a grudged respect for the Kroot. Captains the "Orgullo de Tecate."

>Voidsman: Krasny Svezda

Naval Armswoman who has served under Tecate as a boarding soldier, pilot, and occasional lover. Loves meltaguns, power mauls, and jumping through space in void armor and a jump pack to punch Orks in the face.

Continuing

>>43526620
>Astropath: Kyne Mari

Pretty much your standard Astropath. Been bonded with Tecate as his personal Astropath since his beginnings as a Rogue Trader (and also occasional lover). Enjoys turning people inside out with her mind and causing havoc with Senor de Tecate's various late-night stands because she's the jealous type.

>Arch-Militant: Talak

Extremely dark-skinned soldier who was the lone survivor of a decimated PDF force from a Dark Eldar raiding party our group fought off on a backworld planet. As he was the only survivor, Senor de Tecate rewarded his valor and strength by conscripting him as a personal bodyguard, whether he liked it or not. Despite being a cold-blooded killer and extremely effective assassin, is surprisingly well-mannered and polite in higher society, though most people say he gives off the aura of a barely-restrained psychopath whenever they speak with him.

Next describes Lord Zyrotec himself and starts the story.

>>43526620
>>43526770

>Lord Zyrotec, Outcast Lord of the Clar'tan Dynasty

Lord Zyrotec was discovered in a raid our group led on a Space Hulk. A true Necron Lord, he is nearly 9 feet tall and decorated in red carapace plate, and armed with a Warscythe and what is essentially a Guass Pistol in his right arm. He voluntarily sought to purchase passage on our ship to the nearest "organic world" so that he could "Attempt to discover the means of ascension" (Biotransference is his ultimate desire), and sought to pay us with "but a few measly trinkets, as it is all I have" (Crates upon crates of Shuriken Catapults, Shuriken Pistols, and a Wave Serpent), and we hesitantly accepted because he had 8 Immortals and two Lychguard when he asked us.Tough as fuck all and smart as all hell, he has absolutely no concept of human social norms, compounded by the fact that his fascination with organic beings often means he will interact with other people as if he were interacting with a zoo animal, no matter what the situation. Often had to be disguised as a servitor, which he was piss-poor at because he kept demanding to be treated like the royalty he was.

So begins the tale of Lord Zyrotec and the Countess' Ball.

looking good so far

As an oldcron fan, this horrifies me.

On the other hand, this sounds extremely hilarious. Please continue.

>>43526963
>The party is in orbit over the pleasure world Seraphs Grace, resupplying and selling our shipments of smuggled Hot-Shot Lasguns to the PDF
>Having heard of our RT's reputation as an explorer, adventurer, and soldier of the Emperor (as well as his dashing good looks), the party receives an invitation to the Governors Ball to be held in honor of his daughter turning 20 Cycles.
>RT decides he will attend, as good friends, expensive food, and beautiful women (or any of those abjectives and nouns in any combination) are always worth his time
>"I TOO SHALL ATTEND THIS FUNCTION"
>Zyrotec enters the bridge where the invitation was being pored over by the human members of the party, flanked by his two Lychguard who look like they'd rather be anywhere else in the galaxy but here
>"I have always been fascinated by the norms and behaviors of biologicals. I wish to attend in person, that I might best observe your behaviors with my own optics."
>party tries to convince Zyrotec that having a 9-foot-tall robot skeleton enter a room full of soft noblemen and hardened guards isn't necessarily the best idea
>he's having none of it
>"I shall simply disguise myself as one of your menials. I am a Lord of thirty star systems, Master of Ten Thousand Legions, Rightful Ruler of the Clar'tan Dynasty, Grand Vizier of..."
>If Lychguard could roll their eyes they'd be rolling so fast they'd generate enough power to work a Lasgun
>finally acquiesce, but heavily emphasize that he MUST stay with the Rogue Trader AT ALL TIMES and NEVER remove his disguise, for ANY reason
>He concedes
>herewefuckinggo.jpeg
>We arrive at the ball two days later, the RT and Void-Master decked out in the most dashing and elegant formal wear they own, the Astropath waiting in the shuttle, Talak in a finely-wrought suit of black carapace armor, and Zyrotec covered in cobbled-together servitor parts to reduce his "oh-shit-its-a-skeleton-death-robot" factor to a slightly more manageable degree.

Cont.

Sorry guys, had a toddler emergency. Shouldn't be any more distractions.

>>43527496
>The doormen tell us that war-machines are not welcome in the hall.
>"He is but a servitor, gifted to my person by the Forge World of Sargon VI for my heroic actions in defense of their forge from the forces of the Great Enemy. He goes where I go, and you may feel free to tell the Governor why a Rogue Trader was turned away at your door."
>doormen don't know what to do
>"I am but a humble servitor, organics. I mean no harm to anybody, for harming lowly warriors like yourself is far beneath a being of my stature" Zyrotec speaks, bowing slightly as he does so.
>Doormen have no fucking clue what the hell is going on
>Party is getting ready to start a shootout if these guys flip out on us
>"Have a good afternoon, Senor de Tecate," they eventually say, never taking eyes off Zyrotec.
>"And to you, menials." says Zyrotec, and he strides fluidly into the building, servos and servitor bitz not seeming to affect him in the slightest
>Party breaks up to enjoy the evening and recruit contacts
>Rogue Trader is chatting up with the Governor, with Zyrotec at his side
>"Ah, Senor, may I please introduce you to my daughter, Countess Evalen. She's been very excited to meet you."
>Countess slides up and offers her hand. She's in a skin-tight, floor-length dress that shows off her figure incredibly.
>"I'm so pleased to meet you. Your reputation in this sector precedes you, Senor"
>"Please, Senorita, call me Manuel." He oozes, kissing her hand gently and making her giggle and blush
>"I am also pleased to meet you, Countess!"
>Aw fuck
>RT looks at Zyrotec with wide eyes that say "nigga what the fuck are you doing"
>"I am Zyrotec, humble servitor of Senor de Tecate. I am most pleased to meet somebody of your elegance and stature. In fact, I have procured a marvelous gift for such a woman of your character."

Cont.

>>43527496
Why not just encase him in power armor?
Or, a shell that looks like it

>>43527956
>Voidmaster Arch-Militant see this going down, start hurrying over to the RT to attempt to do some damage control
>Zyrotec reaches into one of his servitor pieces and procures a smooth, black cube
>this also knocks the piece onto the floor, where he ignores it completely
>Countess has this look halfway between curiosity, confusion, and terror at being addressed by a 9 foot tall franken-servitor
>He holds the cube out to her, encouraging her to take it
>"For you, dear Countess, I have a most wonderful and extravagant gift."
>She takes it, begins to look it over nervously
>"This humble offering is only ever given to beings of unique and incredible character, and to have..."
>Cube begins to glow green, symbols start to pop up
>She suddenly has this look of absolute terror and horror, and can't look away from the cube
>She screams
>Suddenly the cube opens up, and she gets sucked screaming into the cube, before it pops closed and falls to the floor
>Motherfucker gave her a Tessaract Labyrinth as a birthday present
>Governor screams
>Nobles scream and faint
>Party is horrified
>Guards storm the room
>Levels guns at party
>Party unholsters weapons

32 dead Nobles and 125 dead Royal Guards later, and we are jumping into the Warp and no longer welcome on Seraphs Grace.

When asked what in Thrones name he was thinking, he simply said, "I misjudged the females character, for had she truly been worthy of my gift than the should have known not to look into it."

Fucking Necrons.

>>43527957
Mostly because power armor designed to fit a 9 foot tall skeleton robot would have been extremely difficult and expensive to acquire, as well as likely attracting even more attention than he already drew.

>>43528125
>>Motherfucker gave her a Tessaract Labyrinth as a birthday present
AHAHAHAHA

>>43528356
He did some pretty crazy shit over the 6 games we played him. As stated, he was a combat monster, and incredibly intelligent, but had absolutely zero social skills whatsoever and had no understanding of the word "subtlety." We also had to keep him placated with a constant stream of "specimens" for him to experiment on, from Orks to Eldar to Kroot to human slaves, and having an entire deck saturated with screams and machine noises was bad for crew morale. We eventually had him leave the party because it was too difficult to continue with our end goal of dominating the sectors economy and snubbing the current Generalissimo of the 18th/24th Tecate Rifles (Tecate held a grudge), but he's still out there causing all sorts of shenanigans in the sector somewhere.

I can go into the Canifex story if anybody wants to hear it, that one was pretty funny.

>>43528670
Necrons confirmed for autism.

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>>43528670

Waiting patiently.

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>>43528795
>>43528808

AS THE EMPEROR WILLS

>The party has received word from an Ordo Hereticus Inquisitor (who may or may not be banging Senor de Tecate, he bangs pretty much any and every woman he meets in his line of work, though their particular relaitonship is never officially confirmed by the DM) that there is a possible cache of Xenos technology on a remote and officially uncharted planet in a backwater system
>System has been used by Chaos-affiliated reavers as a base of operations, and info was pried out of a Chaos Reaver she had "questioning"
>After concluding their "info-trading session" on the "Orgullo de Tecate," (during which Zyrotec was explicitly told to remain in his quarters with all his robots, which pissed off the Lychguard to absolutely no end) the party sets off to get them some xenotech
>Drop out of Warp space in-system
>Planet is a temperate world orbiting a binary star system, with two satellite moons
>Detect no active ships in orbit around the system or in any of the other nearby planets
>Do, however, detect an abandoned fortress and massive excavation site on the eastern continent
>Being cautious, the party moves planetside accompanied by two regiments of Tecate Royales (Storm-trooper equivalents that Senor de Tecate recruits directly from his homeworld, and curiously they are almost all promising recruits that would act as the current Generalissimos bodyguard and shock troops) and a Sentinel company, while Lightnings conduct sweeps of the fortress and excavation sites from afar
>Land about 30km away from excavation site, which is 10km away from fortress
>Disembark from Valkyries, transporters drop the Sentinels and our Chimeras, one regiment sets up a FOB and the other embarks their own Chimeras
>Talak has his personal Sentinel walker, which is up-armored, environmentally sealed, and has two Multilasers instead of one because he gives no fucks about tech-heresy.
>Rest of the party is in a single Chimera, alongside Lychguard
Cont.

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>>43529209
>begin to move into excavation site with 2nd regiment, eyes open
>See abandoned equipment, but no bodies
>No bodies whatsoever
>That ain't good
>Come upon excavation site
>It's a massive hole almost a km wide, and goes down at least 100 meters before the entrance to a cyclopean doorway over 10m high, which is unsettlingly standing wide open
>Also not good
>Begin descending the ramps downward to get to the bottom
>Half of the regiment sets up a perimeter around excavation, other half follows us and the Sentinels down
>We get to the bottom
>Littered with mining equipment, but still no bodies
>"Into the breach!" our fearless RT says, waving his power sword from the Chimera turret
>Here we go
>We disembark from the Chimeras (The Sentinels can still fit into the doorway), and begin to move forward
>Lychguard are scaring the absolute shit out of the Tecate Royales, which is quite understandable, and they almost seem to be enjoying doing it
>We enter the doorway, and find a fuck-huge cavern
>get a vox from the Lightnings: nothing in the fortress - not a life sign, no activity, nothing. It's completely and totally abandoned, and it appears recently.
>"So then the enemy is still here to plunder!"
>Senor de Tecate's is ever the adventurous rogue, it seems
>We move out of the light to get a better look at the cavern

Cont.

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>>43529453
>It's a massive structure, going up into the side of the excavation wall at least fifty meters high and a hundred meters wide on all sides
>Walls are covered in statues of humans, some of them in the most grotesque poses and caricatures
>Pink banners are hanging all over the walls in some strange chickenscratch language none of us can read
>Tunnels spread out in all directions in the walls
>"Senor," says the Royales captain, pointing up
>we look up
>oh shit
>the entire ceiling is nothing but bodies
>just hundreds upon hundreds of corpses hanging from the rafters, and these rafters were pretty huge
>the banners are actually sewn from human skin
>we realize that the statues are actually human bodies as well, nailed to the walls with iron spikes and what appears to be bone
>After vomiting, the Void Master examines the nearest one
>she notices that all of the bodies have Chaos markings to some degree
>It was the reavers Inquisitor Booty-Call had warned us about, as well as what we assumed were the rest of this planets worker
>It was all we could do to not bolt the fuck out of there
>"Most intriguing," said Zyrotec

Cont.

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>>43529601
>"These wounds are not caused by any blade, and do not appear to be self-inflicted." he continued
>It's Chaos, no shit they're not self-inflicted, they kill each other because it's Tuesday
>"Furthermore, these bone fragments are not base human."
>"It would appear that some other force caused this massacre to happen, though for what reason I cannot process. I would guess it was not human, and the ritual nature of this would suggest a decent cognitive ability."
>"I would suggest we move to a more tenable position, friends." (He called us "friends," which creeped us the fuck out).
>We hurriedly agree, none faster than the Astropath, who looked even paler than usual
>We move back outside into the air, move up to the perimeter established by the other half of 2nd Regiment
>They are not there
>Nobody is at their posts
>Everybody is just...gone
>We officially start freaking out
>RT calls for immediate Vulture support from the ship, ship reminds him that Vultures cannot be deployed from outer space
>Void Master checks her meltagun and hot-shot pistols, checks grenades
>Talak is forming the Sentinels up in a defensive perimeter, pointing weapons towards the fortress and nearby treelines, ordering the men to shoot on sight
>Lychguard are watching the surroundings covering their master
>RT is arguing for Avengers, which the ship reminds him he sold to pay off a gambling debt
>RT asks for immediate evac by Valkyrie, ship says they'll be there in 30 since they were currently re-fueling in the hanger
>Suddenly the forest starts screaming

Cont.

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>>43529832

Zyrotec is gradually gaining my respect.

Also

>Screaming forests

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>>43529832
>A whole lot of something is thrashing through the woods, coming to get us
>As everybody is pointing their weapons towards the treeline in anticipation of the inevitable monster coming to kill us all, suddenly we hear screaming from behind us
>A mutant human has its teeth buried into a Royales neck
>Mutants had been silently pouring out of hidden tunnels and trapdoors near the surface we had not noticed, and completely and totally surrounded us
>Mutant drags back the Royale into a hole
>we all start shooting and fighting
>Void-Master is battling a mutant with two sharp blades protruding from its back
>Lychguard are making up for their assholeness by murderfucking every mutant in range
>Zyrotec is almost casually slaughtering anything he comes across
>Astropath is totally still, completely enthralled in something
>RT is carving a path of death and bravado through the hordes of silent mutants
>Suddenly something even worse shows up
>A giant, four-armed, needle-mouthed creature pounces upon one of the Lychguard and rips both his arms off
>This creature is either extremely mutated or is another being entirely from the rest of the silent mutants
>Other Lychguard swiftly dispatches the creature by carving it in two
>he throws his wounded comrade his arms back, who then reattaches them and picks up his warscythe and goes back to fighting
>More of these super-mutants have shown up and are ripping the Royales a new one
>We're fighting for our Emperor-damned lives
>And then the source of the screaming in the forest shows up

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>>43530077
>A massive creature plows through the treeline, hurling trees aside like they're lho-sticks in a wind storm
>This thing is armored with huge chitin plates, has two arms with massive claws and two with giant bladed scythes
>clubbed tail armed with giant spikes
>Massive mouth filled with far too many goddamn teeth
>It's moving entirely too quickly towards our line, screaming and thrashing as it crushes everything in its path to get to us
>"CARNIFEX!" yells one of the Royales, before his head is bitten off by one of what we now realize to be xenos.
>Sentinels disengage from stomping on xenos and shooting them to directing all their fire at the raging ball of Fuck You that's coming our way
>It ain't working
>Carnifex plows through one of our Chimeras, smashes a Sentinel, and crushes men with each raging stomp and slice as it screams and rages
>RT orders a full retreat to the landing zone
>as if we could disengage from this if we wanted to
>Dozens of smaller creatures have begun to swarm us as well, who aren't too difficult to put down but are drawing our fire away from the one thing we REALLY need to kill
>"No need, organics."
>Zyrotec strides forward, contemptuously striking down what we would later learn were Genestealers and Hormagaunts with almost casual ease, flanked by his Lychguard
>The Lych-Star strides right up to the Carnifex, and Zyrotec quickly gets his attention
>They begin to duel it out, Zyrotec sidestepping titanic blows and delivering devastatingly precise strikes from his Warscythe and Gauss Gauntlet (Basically an in-built Gauss Pistol) while any glancing blows the Carnifex lands are healed rapidly
>Eventually Zyrotec manages to stab the creature right in its chest cavity, and appears to strike the heart
>Carnifex collapses to the group screaming as it begins to die, while its thrashing takes out two more Genestealers and three Royales in the process
>All the xenos reel when it dies, seemingly hit by some sort of mental attack
Cont.

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>>43530411
>At this point, the Astropath seems to break free of her reverie, and then begins to turn all the remaining Genestealers and Hormagaunts inside out because she really seems to like that trick for some reason
>None of them escape alive
>After all was said and done, we lost over 1734 Royales (the 1st and half of 2nd were never found) in exchange for 276 dead Genestealers, three piles of hormagaunts (there were too many to count, so we simply piled them as high as we could before they fell down) and one Carnifex.
>Evac conveniently shows up at this time
>"Since I have slain the beast, I request the right to take my adversaries corpse as a spoil of war." Zyrotec tells the RT
>RT is completely okay with that, thinking it'd make a good talking piece when it's stuffed and in his ship somewhere once the Necrons are gone
>Chain it to the bottom of a Valkyrie (it was too big to fit inside) and we get the hell off that forsaken rock
>Once we're back in orbit the RT orders the use of the cyclonic torpedoes we're not supposed to have on the planet
>The body of the Carnifex is whisked away to Zyrotecs deck in the hustle and bustle of landing and treating the wounded

You may think the story ends here, but oh no. It gets better.

>Weeks go by, and Zyrotec remains primarily in his chambers
>Any communications are delivered through the Lychguard, who speak to us with such barely-concealed disdain that we'd have shot them if we thought it'd kill them instead of just piss them off
>Suddenly, Zyrotec enters the bridge one day while we're discussing the finer points of robbing a nobles estate who had insulted the honor of Senor de Tecate
>"Friends! I have something to show you. Come and see!"
>Oh boy
>We travel down to the decks we gave over to the Necrons
>The few Immortals guarding his room look at us blankly, which somehow is more unnerving than the hateful look of the Lychguard
>We enter the "workshop" he used with some serious trepidation
Cont.

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>>43530714
>aside from all the human and xenos bones, strange technology and discarded parts surrounding us, our eyes are immediately drawn to the giant carnifex that was sitting in the middle of the workshop
>The most eye-catching part of it was that it was moving despite supposed to have been dead
>Chained to the floor and with massive metal implants in its chest and head, the Carnifex has been brought back to some strange form of life even Frankenstein would have qualms about
>"I have created a mount most befitting of your status, Senor de Tecate," he says
>you fucking WHAT
>"After reanimating the beast, I installed multiple fail-safes and control mechanisms in its neural cortex, as well as fortifying its internal organs to prevent it from being so easily felled as before. Furthermore, I have reinforced its skeletal structure to make it stronger than ever. Such a beast under your direct control would make you the rival of an entire army of lesser organics," he beamed.
>RT is fucking speechless
>"Is it safe?"
>"Of course it is safe! I am Zyrotec, I do not create mistakes. I only create results."
>"I can assure you it is completely under my direct control."
>he flips a switch, and the chains unshackle, and the Franken-Fex rears up to its full height
>It doesn't want to follow orders
>it wants to do Tyranid shit like kill and devour everything in the fucking room
>It then proceeds to charge at us and do exactly this
>We flee into the elevators, shooting backwards all the while, while the Carnifex attempts to fit its massive bulk down the corridors before simply clawing its way through the ceiling to the deck above it
>We get to the bridge as dozens of sirens are going off
>The Carnifex is loose in the Cargo Hold
>It's killing everything in sight
>It's even wrecking shipping containers just for the hell of it, because it's a Carnifex
>It then gets in the main elevator shaft and starts climbing up to other decks.
Last Cont.

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>At this point RT has just had enough of this
>Vents three whole decks of the ship into space in an attempt to remove the cyber-enhanced nightmare creation of an insane death robot from the bowels of his ship
>It somehow works
>Two cargo bays are vented into space, along with a recreation deck and a lounge deck
>5000 souls are lost, though most of them are replaceable crew members
>Entire party looks at Zyrotec with complete blank-faced expressions.
>"I suppose I did not perform the modifications correctly. I am not a Cryptek, after all. I shall be more careful on my next attempt."

God damn it Zyrotec.

>>43531069
Absolutely brilliant

>>43530077
>>A giant, four-armed, needle-mouthed creature pounces upon one of the Lychguard and rips both his arms off
>>This creature is either extremely mutated or is another being entirely from the rest of the silent mutants
>>Other Lychguard swiftly dispatches the creature by carving it in two
>>he throws his wounded comrade his arms back, who then reattaches them and picks up his warscythe and goes back to fighting
HEY BUDDY, NEED A HAND?

If this thread is still open in like an hour, I'll post my collected stories about a four man party I played that was mostly about 3 mentally deficient men who thought they were space marines and 1 tech priest who thought that was the tightest shit.

>>43532360
You gunna post now, friend?

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>>43533603
That I am, good sir. that I am.

ALRIGHTY.

Okay, so here's the backstory.
Our GM informed us we wouldbe playing an epic-length game of Rogue Trader, since he said he's devised a series of quests that allowed the game to reach 'epic proportions' before running out of content, and asked us if we had any preferences for what we wanted to play, since he wanted to play something for the fun factor rather than the rules.
So the four of us decide that we're going to play out a crazy idea we've been toying around with since forever: Playing Space Marines that weren't really Space Marines.
And so became the Battle Brothers Grimmnauts, three men who's contact with the warp had left them with large muscle mass, latent psyker abilities that let them use power armor, and UNWAVERING FAITH TO THE EMPEROR. Not!Space Marines with enough faith to make the Inquistion look heretical, and not a proper education among them.
The fourth became a tech-priest who managed our armor for us and provided us with weaponry. He thought the whole thing was too interesting to just let the Grimmnauts die.

I became Bruticus Grimmnaut, my friend became Borealis Grimmnaut, and our last friend became Bernicus Grimmnaut. We told the GM our characters, waited for the Tech priest to stop laughing, and then waited patiently for the GM to pick our first mission.

A small agri planet that had been suffering from potential daemonic influences and were sending out requests for aide with the promise of a small fortune for clearing the problem up. Well, the Battle Brothers Grimmnaut heard this and declared a PURGE FOR THE GOOD OF THE IMPERIUM, HAIL THE EMPEROR, and so it began.

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>>43533753

We landed on the planet, and the Grimmnauts disembarked for the offices of the governor, with the Tech-priest (being the one who actually held the title of Rogue Trader) in tow for legitimacy purposes. Upon reaching the city, we squeezed ourselves into a public transports, our power armor scaring a few citizens, then got off at the station and marched to the offices of the planetary governor. Upon arriving, we announce our presence, and engage in the first real IC exchange of dialogue. Our face, Bernicus, took the lead:

Bernicus: "GREETINGS, SERVITOR OF THE EMPEROR. INFORM YOUR LEADER THAT HE NEEDS TO RELAY HIS MESSAGE NO MORE. THE GRIMMNAUTS ARE HERE TO PURGE THE UNCLEAN.
Receptionist: "I, uh, guess I'll let him know you're here... can I get you anything while you wait?"
Bernicus: "WE WOULD ENJOY PARTAKING IN THE CONSUMPTION OF BEVERAGES."
Borealis: "ASK IF THEY POSSESS THE WATER THAT TASTES OF STRAWBERRIES."
Bernicus: "I WAS GETTING TO THAT, BROTHER BOREALIS. SERVITOR, DO YOU POSSESS THE WATER THAT TASTES OF STRAWBERRIES?"
Receptionist: "Y-yes?"
Bernicus: "AND YOU, BROTHER BRUTUS?"
Bruticus: "THE BLOOD OF MY EMPEROR'S FOES."
Receptionist: "N-n-no blood here, sir..."
Bruticus: "THEN THE WATER THAT TASTES OF STRAWBERRIES, PLEASE."

We met the governor, who was a little shocked that only 3 Space Marines and a Tech priest responded, since he was under the impression that there was an entire chapter there, but was a little excited regardless that someone was there to help. He told us of the position that the daemonic presence was believed to be, and we swore an oath on the EMPEROR"S GOLDEN THRONE, RIGHTEOUS BE HIS NAME, that we would cleanse the area and return order to this little planet. And so we set off towards the enormous warehouse/ stockpile/ thing.

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>>43533785

The tech-priest reccommends that we attempt recon to get an advantage against the enemy before recklessly leaping in and shooting up the place. After much debate, we agree. The Tech-priest is about to step up, until Bernicus halts him with his mighty hand

Bernicus: "NO, TECH-SERVITOR. YOU ARE TOO IMPORTANT TO HIS CRUSADE TO RISK. WE SHALL SEND ONE OF OUR OWN INSTEAD. BROTHER BOREALIS?"
Borealis: "YES, BROTHER BERNICUS?"
Bernicus: "YOU SHALL USE THE SHADOWS AND SCOUT THE AREA."
Borealis: "OF COURSE, BROTHER BERNICUS. FOR HIS GLORY. BROTHER BRUTICUS."
Bruticus: "YES, BROTHER BERNICUS?"
Bernicus: "DID YOU GET THE RECIPE FOR THE WATER THAT TASTES OF STRAWBERRIES?"
Bruticus: "I HAVE FAILED IN SUCH ENDEAVORS, BROTHER BERNICUS."
Bernicus: "NO MATTER, BROTHER BRUTICUS, WE SHALL ENDURE. ONWARD, BROTHERS AND TECH-SERVITOR."

And that's when Brother Borealis began the 'sneaking' portion of the mission.
We waited patiently outside with the giggling tech-priest as Borealis squeezed his entire form through the tight, winding corridors of the building, finally breaking down a wall and crawling on the floor towards what he thought was a closet, or a room he could collect himself. Well, of course it wasn't.
It was the armory with two cultist guards. For a moment, we expected some resistance, but lucky us, the cultist were so flabberghasted with the scene of a prone Not!Space Marine that they were stunned silent. That's when Borealis decided to play it smart. Smart-ish.

Borealis: "BROTHER BERNICUS, I HAVE ENCOUNTERED HERETICAL-CULTISTS. SHALL I BEGIN THE PURGE?"
Bernicus: "HOLD, BROTHER BOREALIS. WE MUST GAIN THE UPPER HAND BEFORE WE BEGIN THE CLEANSING OF THIS BUILDING."

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>>43533806

Borealis stares at the cultists as he lies prone, then speaks.

Borealis: "YOU SEE NOTHING, HERETICS."
*The cultists silently nod as his intimidation works*
Borealis: "REMAIN HERE UNTIL YOU ARE PURGED."
*Once again, the cultists nod*
Borealis: "IF YOUR FELLOW HERETICS INQUIRE ABOUT WHAT YOU SAW, DID YOU SEE ANYTHING OF INTEREST?"
*They shake their heads*
Borealis: "EXCELLENT. EMPEROR BLESS YOU, FILTHY HERETICAL SCUM."

And with that, Borealis shuffled into the darkness again, still prone, as the dumb-founded cultists watched on in utter silence. He encountered at least a dozen cultists, and scared them all so much that not a single one alerted anyone, or eachother. When Borealis finally reached what he believed was the other side of the structure, he stood up and told us to follow his route, which resulted in both Bernicus and Bruticus following his path one at a time, encountering each group of cultists and repeating the same exchange that Borealis had gone through. When Bruticus finally arrived to the other two, they prepared themselves for a thourough purging.

Borealis: "BROTHER BERNICUS, DO YOU BELIEVE THAT THE HERETICS NOTICED OUR INTRUSION?"
Bernicus: "OF COURSE NOT, BROTHER BOREALIS. WE WERE AS SILENT AND QUICK AS THE WILL OF THE EMPEROR. NOT A SOUL KNOWS OF OUR LOCATION."
Borealis: "PRAISE BE THE EMPEROR."
Bernicus: "INDEED, BROTHER BOREALIS. BROTHER BRUTICUS, HAVE YOU READIED THE TECH-SERVITOR?"
Bruticus: "I HAVE, BROTHER BERNICUS. HE WAITS FOR THE CLEANSING TO BEGIN."
Bernicus: "IGNITE THE FLAMER. WE PURGE THIS HERETICAL PLACE IN THE EMPEROR'S NAME."

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>>43533820

And the three Not!Space Marines began their glorious purge, burning the entire structure down in a single night, and when they came to the armory, you bet those cultists were still standing in the exact same spot, still trying to figure out what they saw. They didn't even budge when the three moved past with a flamer, burning the interior to a crisp and then, just for good measure, burning the ashes until they were fine powder in the wind. They calmly waited for the tech-priest to gather a few scraps of tech to maintain the suits and the weapons we had before heading off to speak with the planetary governor. They informed him of the resounding success of their purge. Needless to say, the governor did not take kindly to the immolation of an entire storehouse full of food.
The party did not take kindly to his attitude on the subject.

Bernicus: "YOU ARE NOT PLEASED WITH THE RESULTS FOF OUR HOLY MISSION?"
Governor: "You burned down one of our warehouses! A very expensive one at that!"
Bernicus: "IT WAS CORRUPTED BY THE WARP. THIS WAS BEST FOR THE IMPERIUM."
Governor: "How? What whould have been corrupted!?"
Bernicus: "THE FOOD ITSELF. INFORM HIM, BROTHER BRUTICUS."
Bruticus: "CORRUPTED WHEAT CAUSES TERRIBLE INDIGESTION."
Bernicus: "THANK YOU, BROTHER BRUTICUS. TRULY, THIS IS THE BEST SOLUTION. UNLESS YOU ARE HIDING SOMETHING FROM OUR EYES, GOVERNOR?"
Governor: "... How can we repay your kindess?"
Bruticus: "WE REQUIRE 50 TONNES OF THE WATER THAT TASTES OF STRAWBERRIES."
Bernicus: "I FIND THIS SUITABLE. WE EXPECT THE WATER THAT TASTES OF STRAWBERRIES TO BE TRANSPORTED TO OUR SHIP."

And like that, we left the planet with 50 tonnes of water that was strawberry flavored, our blood money for burning down an entire storage building with at least half a city's food supply, all in the name of THE GLORIOUS EMPEROR.
We had at least three glasses of it every night.

That was the end of the first mission, and the beginning of the Grimmnaut campaign.

>>43533840
fucking hilarious, please continue

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>>43534348

A month later, as Bruticus, Bernicus, and Borealis were preparing themselves for another day of meditating on THE EMPEROR'S GLORIOUS AND GRACIOUS TEACHINGS AMEN, the GM informed us that there had been a recent invasion of an outlying colony world. The culprits? Dark Eldar had taken hostages for their dark rituals, and all the three needed to hear was that FILTHY XENOS had attacked the blessed children of the Emperor. They informed the tech-priest of our new mission, and he promptly turned the ship around, launching into the warp and depositing it into the orbit of the planet.

Landing was easy enough, and they encountered no issues. The Not!Space Marines told the tech-priest that he would best wait in the ship while we handled the combat. He agreed, and decided to pilot the ship and call for backup as soon as they gave the all clear. We trekked inward, through thick forests and more than once they shot a tree under suspiscion of XENO SCUM DISGUISE. By the time they reached the Dark Eldar camp, we had shot at least a hundred trees with bolter rounds. Somehow, the Dark Eldar never heard the humongous men coming. Then, finding themselves in an advantegous position, they began to plan.

Bernicus: "BROTHER BOREALIS, WHAT SAY YOU TO THE POSITION OF CAMP?"
Borealis: "IT IS MOST FORTIFIED AND CHALLENGING, BROTHER BERNICUS."
Bruticus: "MAY I SUGGEST SOMETHING, BROTHERS?"
Borealis: "SPEAK, BROTHER BRUTICUS."
Bruticus: "THE HISTORY OF WAR SHOWS THAT THE HOLDER OF THE HIGHER GROUND GAINS THE UPPER HAND."
Bernicus: "THIS IS TRUE, BROTHER BRUTICUS."
Bruticus: "BUT WHAT IF WE HELD THE HIGHEST OF THE HIGHER GROUND?"

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>>43534664

There was a moment of silence as we sat there basking in our wisdom, and then the plan was born. Bruticus sprinted back to the ship and Borealis and Bernicus debated what they were going to do. They quietly drew a few lines in the dirt but quickly gave up when they realized that the didn't know what they were doing, and neither could draw every well. They sat in silence for a moment, and then Borealis came up with an idea.

Borealis: "BY THE EMPEROR'S THRONE, BROTHER BERNICUS! WE SHOULD PERFORM AN AMBUSH UPON THE UNSUSPECTING XENO SCUM!"
Bernicus: "THAT IS BRILLAINT, BROTHER BOREALIS!"

Then the two stop and think again.

Bernicus: "... BROTHER BOREALIS?"
Borealis: "YES, BROTHER BERNICUS?"
Bernicus: "HOW DOES ONE PERFORM AN AMBUSH?"

Instead of attempting to understand the concept, they agree that they shall do what comes naturally. Unfortunately, for the Not!Space Marines, what came naturally involved informing the Dark Eldar of their intent to ambush, as not facing their opponent fairly would be dishonorable, and therefore not supported by the Codex Astartes. Borealis stepped into the clearing on the hill and cranked up his vox as loud as it could go:

Borealis: "ATTENTION, XENO SCUM! IN A FEW MOMENTS, YOU WILL BE AMBUSHED BY THE BATTLE BROTHERS BOREALIS AND BERNICUS GRIMMNAUT. WE HOPE THAT YOU ARE PREPARED FOR COMBAT!"
Bernicus: "DON'T FORGET BROTHER BRUTICUS, BROTHER BOREALIS."
Borealis: "HOW FOOLISH OF ME. WE SHALL ALSO BE JOINED BY OUR BATTLE BROTHER BRUTICUS IN A MOMENT. PREPARE FOR COMBAT WITH HIM AS WELL!"

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>>43534703

At first, the Dark Eldar are not sure how to respond, but they eventually send a splinter group to capture the foolish men on the hill. The Dark Eldar show up, guns aimed at the two standing on the hill, and then they begin the exchange:

DE: "Mon-keighs, you shall step down from the hill and prepare yourselves for surrender."
Bernicus: "WE ARE TO SURRENDER?"
DE: "Yes, or we shall shred you like the worthless flesh you are. Now respond!"
Borealis: "WILL SURRENDER INTERFERE WITH OUR AMBUSH, XENO SCUM?"
DE: "... Noooo?"
Borealis: "THEN WE SHALL SURRENDER. SHALL YOU JOIN ME, BROTHER BERNICUS?"
Bernicus: "INDEED, BROTHER BOREALIS."

The two then whipped their bolters out and let loose, killing most of the dark eldar in almost no time flat and scaring the others into the forest. The few that remain fight back as the men work their way down the hill.

Borealis: "WE ARE SURRENDERING. DO NOT SHOOT, WE ARE SURRENDERING."
Bernicus: "BROTHER BOREALIS, WE ARE SURENDERING SO SUCCESSFULLY THEY RETREAT!"
DE: "What the warp-spawn do you think you two mon-keighs are doing!?"
Bernicus: "WE ARE SURRENDERING, XENO SCUM!"
DE: "Why are you saying that and shooting!?"
Bernicus: "SPACE MARINES DO NOT SURRENDER WITHOUT A FIGHT!"
Borealis: "INDEED, BROTHER BERNICUS. WE DO THE EMPEROR PROUD!"

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>>43534726

They continue to push into the camp, seizing land and freeing the colonists they encountered, the entire time shouting that they were surrendering and complimenting themselves on their ambush and surrender. It was as the largest group of Dark Eldar appeared, prepaing to sacrifice a large group of colonists, that ship and tech-priest made their triumphant return. The ship swung around, revealing Bruticus adorned with a Heavy Bolter and OVERWHELMING FAITH IN HIS EMPEROR WHO PROTECTS ALL! As the ship turns, Bruticus launches himself, not even using a jetpack to slow his ascent, instead aiming for the softest looking pile of growing bodies, courtesy of his Battle-Brothers.

They look up and stop for a moment as Bruticus unleashes the fury of a fully loaded Heavy Bolter onto the XENO SCUM below. Bernicus and Borealis had to fight not to tear up in pride of the beautiful sight.

Bruticus: "I HAVE THE HIGHEST GROUND, XENO SCUM. BEHOLD THE FURY OF THE EMPEROR!"
DE: "That's not ground, you psychotic Mon-keigh!"
Bruticus: "YOU SPEAK HERESY! HEEEEEEERRRRRREEEEEEESSSSSYYYYYYYYYY"

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>>43534754

Bruticus took out a considerable amount of the fortress (Having missed his target, Heavy Bolter recoil shifting his mass considerably) and vanished into a Space Marine sized hole in the foundation of the building. Bernicus and Borealis mop up the remaining Dark Eldar, scaring them into their ships and recovering the colonists. They lifted their Battle Brother from the hole and were greeted with the sound of applause and admiration, which they quickly silenced and instead told them that it was their duty as sworn Space Marines of the Emperor of Man to protect his children when needed. They then lead a silent prayer for their Emperor on the throne.

With them, they took a small splinter group that wished to learn the ways of the 'Grimmnaut Chapter', and who were the Battle-Brothers to argue? They brought them on as aspirants and began to suggest trials, mostly anything they could think of that showed loyalty. The tech-priest trained a few others who were more mechanically inclined in the ways of the machine cult and the entire ship became more efficient, and in celebration, we treated everyone to the water that tastes of strawberries. Our mutated psykers, who thought they were the finest of Space Marines, found themselves confused when they later aquired a copy of the Codex Astartes and learned of how a proper ambush works.

Got a few more, but not prepared. Been awhile since we finished this campaign.

Somebody needs to fucking screencap these, these are amazing

>>43534726
>"WE ARE SURRENDERING, XENO SCUM!"
>"Why are you saying that and shooting?!"
>"SPACE MARINES DO NOT SURRENDER WITHOUT A FIGHT?"

My sides.

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>Borealis: "WE ARE SURRENDERING. DO NOT SHOOT, WE ARE SURRENDERING."
>Bernicus: "BROTHER BOREALIS, WE ARE SURENDERING SO SUCCESSFULLY THEY RETREAT!"
>DE: "What the warp-spawn do you think you two mon-keighs are doing!?"
>Bernicus: "WE ARE SURRENDERING, XENO SCUM!"
>DE: "Why are you saying that and shooting!?"
>Bernicus: "SPACE MARINES DO NOT SURRENDER WITHOUT A FIGHT!"
>Borealis: "INDEED, BROTHER BERNICUS. WE DO THE EMPEROR PROUD!"

My fucking sides

>>43535124
>>43535149

Glad you enjoy our tactics, faithful little servitors.
If you want, I have one more prepared story about the time we fought Khornate marines by screaming at them.

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>>43526620

Ok, you fucks are showing up as NPCs in my next session. Possibly on fire and fleeing some well-deserved scheme of your own making and undoing, but so it goes.

>>43535236
Shoot man. I'm down for it.

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>>43535374


In game, Bruticus, Bernicus, and Borealis had started to feel as though their adventures were lacking something. Something that they couldn't quite place their finger on, until they finally made it to the section of vehicular combat in the Codex Astartes. They needed a vehicle. So they spoke to the tech-priest and his many discples, and they all agreed that it would be in the best interest of the EMPEROR'S GRAND CRUSADE to aquire a vehicle of some form for the purges in the future. They set course for a small backwater planet that functioned like an enormous garbage dump, where they might be able to secure a few hiverbikes or even a transport of some kind. Imagine their genuine surprise, and UNBRIDLED THANKFULLNESS TO THEIR EMPEROR, BLESSED BE HIS FAITH when the found a semi-intact Predator Destructor somehow hidden among the wreckage.

They immediately set their tech-priest to it, and within a few days, the machine was starting to groan back to life. Bernicus, Borealis, and Bruticus made a point to wander around the hive cities that were within a reasonable distance and negotiated trade, claiming that they were SPACE MARINES OF THE EMPEROR ON A HOLY MISSION TO SECURE HIS RULE, AMEN, and were able to grab a few trade routes with the local factories for materials to continue repairing the vehicle. Twas going splendidly, until we heard news of an oncoming warp storm. Instead of high-tailing it out of there, Bruticus, Borealis, and Bernicus decided that they're holding the line: They came for a vehicle, And damn anyone who tried to take it from them.

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>>43535504


As the warp storm drew near, rifts began to appear, and it was revealed that the storm was caused by a Chaos Space Marine chapter dedicated to Khorne. They intended to gather skulls and blood for their heretical cults by slaying entire hive cities, and it just happened that this planet was next on their list. They did not, however, expect to see three Not!Space Marines standing guard in the junkyard they had warped in on. There was a moment of silence as the Chaos Marines looked to eachother and back to Bernicus, Borealis, and Bruticus. Then their leader raised his bolter aloft and started the war cry for their dark god, only to be silenced by an even louder scream from Bernicus. The Chaos Marine stopped, then raised his bolter again and screamed, and was once again drowned out by Bernicus making a similar shout.

Bruticus: "BROTHER BERNICUS, WHY DO YOU ENGAGE IN SUCH AN ACT? IS IT NOT HERESY?"
Bernicus: "NO, BROTHER BRUTICUS! TO COMBAT THE FOLLOWERS OF THE HERETICAL GOD KHORNE, WE MUST FIGHT THEIR WRATH WITH THE WRATH OF THE EMPEROR!"
Bruticus: "AND HOW DO WE ACCOMPLISH THIS TASK, BROTHER BERNICUS?"
Bernicus: "WE BECOME ANGRIER THAN THEY ARE."

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>>43535527

And so the three launched into a screaming match against the confused Chaos Marines, and used their element of surprise to combat their foes. They held the ground fairly well, taking out most of the Chaos Marines as they spilled through the rift. Bruticus, still the designated Heavy Bolter of the squad, shouted loud enough that he was louder than the machine gun he held even as it echoed through the twisted metal forest. Behind him, his battle brothers fought with the violent fervor of believers so effectively that they were pushing the advance back into a steady retreat. But as soon as the first Chaos Marine stepped back into the rift, he was torn apart by a champion of Khorne, and tossed back into the fray without the lower half of his corpse. The Chaos Marines rallied around their leader, and surged forth again only to be mowed down by the Heavy Bolter's sustained fire. Soon, despite the renewed morale, only the Champion of Khorne remained to challenge the three Not!Space Marines.

The Champion roared with a deep tone that shook the ground around them, but the three did not budge. Instead, Bernicus turned to his battle brothers and told them his plan:

Bernicus: "BROTHER BRUTICUS, BROTHER BOREALIS. I SHALL STAY AND COMBAT THIS HERETIC. RETRIEVE THE PREDATOR, AND RETURN WITH THE ENHANCED FIREPOWER."
Borealis: "BROTHER BERNICUS, HOW COULD YOU TAKE SUCH A CREATURE WITHOUT YOUR BROTHERS IN BATTLE TO HELP YOU?"
Bernicus: "I SHALL BECAME VERY, VERY ANGRY!'

And with that Bernicus produced a combat knife, started shouting, and rushed forward, dropping his Bolter in the mud next to his brothers and engaging in single combat against the champion. For miles around, people would hear the sustained scream of:

Bernicus: "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

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>>43535540

Bruticus and Borealis wasted no time in rushing back to the tech-priest, who had trouble finding an important cog that allowed the engine to convert energy into actual movement. Besides that, the weapons and targeting system were operational and would help easily dispatch the Champion. Upon arriving, the two put their heads together to figure out how they would move such a massive pile of metal and weaponry. The solution came in the form of half-disposed missile armaments lying in the wreckage a few meters back. They ordered the tech-priest to attach the missiles immediately, but he replied with it wouldn't push the Predator all the way.

Bruticus: "IT NEED NOT CARRY IT THE ENTIRE JOURNEY, ONLY ENOUGH TO START MOVING THE METAL MONSTER."
Borealis: "THEN WHAT IS THE PLAN, BROTHER BRUTICUS?"
Bruticus: "WE PUSH FORWARD."
Borealis: "HOW, BROTHER BRUTICUS?"
Bruticus: "WE. PUSH. FORWARD."
Borealis: "OF COURSE! I SEE IT NOW!"

Across the junkyard, the Champion and Bernicus continued to duke it out, which was mostly the Champion picking up the very angry, very violent, and very faithful little psycker and tossing him into a pile of junk, only for him to pop back out, start shouting again, and rush forward. They continued this strange dance until eventually, Bernicus heard the roaring of his fellow Not!Marines and their newly aquired Predator Devastator. Even the Champion couldn't ignore the growing screams and demand for THE END OF THE HERETICAL GOD WHO OPPOSES THE EMPEROR. What they saw was probably the strangest thing he had seen in his long life of combat.

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>>43535565

The Predator was indeed moving forward at tremendous speeds, but it's treads were locked in place and had been gouging out a considerably large set of moats as it dragged across the ground. The source of it's incredible speed? The two EVER FAITHFUL SERVANTS OF THE EMPEROR behind the hulking mass of metal and hatred, assisted by three slap-dash missiles firing off their remaining fuel before sputtering out and leaving only Bruticus and Borealis to move it with the sheer force of their FAITH IN THE EMPEROR. The tech-priest, hiding in the interior of the Predator, locked onto the Champion and let loose the many armaments that had been laying dormant for centuries. The Champion rocked back before being slammed with the force to a Predator, a tech-priest, and two over-zealous psykers. As he struggled against the massive metal machine, Bernicus jumped onto his back and raised his knife

Bernicus: "ANGRY FOR THE EMPEEEEERRRRRRORRRRRRRRRRRR!"

Bernicus stabed and slashed at the Champion as violently and as fast as he physically could, leaving the neck of the daemon a bleeding mass of twisted muscle and torn flesh. With righteous fury, he drove into the beasts flesh with an anger that would make the Black Rage seem tame.
With the largest force of the warp rift defeated, they loaded up the Predator and returned to their ship once more, agreeing that they had once more done the EMPEROR, KNOW HE IS THE ONLY DIVINE AMONG MORTALS, proud indeed. They greatly enjoyed their water that tasted of strawberries that night.

>>43535527
>"WE BECOME ANGRIER THAN THEY ARE"
Sweet fucking Emperor help me. May his gaze eternally shine upon you glorious motherfuckers.

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This is the greatest thread on /tg/ right now.

>>43536373

I tend to agree. This is fucking amazing.

Truly the Omnissiah has blessed us.

Alrighty, you know what?

I have a story...

>>43537849
SO! I as playing Deathwatch with my friends, and had been for some time. And, of course, we were some of the most rules abusing, mix-maxiest motherfuckers that had ever walked. I myself played a Storm Warden tactical marine who pretty much did two things only really well. Hold the fucking line, and wield a giant ass sword so well I got two attacks a turn with it. And if I spent a fate point, those attacks could not be blocked, or dodged... a real boss killer made for one on one combat.

My first friend played a techmarine who had gotten way too much into the whole Omnisiaah thing to the point where he had replaced his hearts with a fusion core, was the size of a dreadnought, and had, for his own amusement, placed a neon sign on a spring load that flashed "epic" whenever he felt like doing something awesome.

Next came an over powered Librarian who couldn't take a hit like the rest of us, but that was fine because he used so many psychic powers that he was basically God.

And finally, came my newest friend, an Apothecary who flew around on a Jump pack using his chain axe as if it was a baseball bat and the enemy were mail boxes.

We had been successful against, daemons, heretics, renegades and tyranids, and now e were going up against the Tau.

>>43537928
I was not really paying attention, none of us were, but basically an Imperial ship carrying one of the most important dudes (a Lord General) in the sector had crash landed, and a small army of Tau had popped up and was guarding the site, while an even bigger mob of Tau were on the way to make sure the bastard did not escape.

Our mission was simple, secure the site, retrieve the Lord General, and kill everything in our path. Landing about twenty klicks to the south, we neaded north at speed to make it. And have you ever seen Astartes move? Suffice to say, we got there fairly fast.

It was now that we ran into two problems. First, we were not stealthy at all. Ignoring the power armor painted in black and silver, one of our party members was a giant mass of metal and mechanophillia. We were not going to sneak through. What was worse, none of us had brought any stealth weapons.

It was then that our techpriest had an idea. We didn't need to be silent warriors of shadow, we just needed them NOT to report our presence. And all we really needed was a gap in their patrols to sneak through, but the patrols were too tight to do so, so we would make a gap.

So we climbed to the top of an out crop and waited for a Tau patrol to go beneath us.

>>43537989
Have you ever seen a Space Marine do a belly flop? No you haven't because it's stupid. But that day, we saw our techpreist, the multi ton hunk of metal and inappropriate machine love, do a running jump off a cliff onto a four man Tau fire warrior squad. Rising from the carnage and flattened metal, his armor painted blue from he blood and gore of the fire warriors crushed under his bulk, he reached for a switch on the top of his helmet and from a hidden compartment, came his sign, flashing in bright neon colors for all to see: "EPIC". And then we realized our mistake when the whole camp went on high alert.

Turns out the Tau aren't stupid. They had rigged their patrols with life support sensors dedicated to making sure that if some sneaky bastards decided to take some out in a method described as "totally super fucking tactical" they would know very quickly. Realizing the immense stupidity of our mistake, we ran as fast as we could towards the ship deciding hat being in open space with Tau around was the most suicidal thing we could do.

Now Tau were used to Imperial tactics (drive me closer I want to hit them with my sword) so this did not go well.

>>43538067
The main problem, if we're going to get meta, was that our DM was a first lieutenant in the army at the local base, and tended to use military know how to butthurt our Astartes like no tomorrow. So we knew full well that if we stayed put, Tau gunships, Battlesuits, and all sorts of extra fun happy time shit would sit outside our weapons range and turn us into cadavers, occasionally calling in artillery support of we got too deep into cover.

Suicidal as it may seem, charging the fortified position and trusting in our armor and post human physiques was our best hope of living. And these were fortified. Overlapping fields of fire, heavy weapons teams, and foresighted artillery all hammered down on us like rain. Of course, faltering or stopping was death, so we charged on.

Of course, we did some things to make sure we would live longer. First, our techpriest went first, his augmented bulk making him a perfect meat shield. Next, our librarian had done something intelligent, and was using a force dome to protect us from the death raining down from above. All of this was to get us in rage for our Librarian to use his powers MUCH more effectively.

>>43538145
Do you know what a Librarian maxed out for psychic warfare is capable of? Well the Tau do know. The moment he was close enough, lightning, fire, and more rained down on the tau positions. But this was to force them into cover for the real show. You see, our Librarian had come up with a back story about how nearly his entire chapter had been wiped out in combat against the Tau. Our DM loved story hooks like that, so had said yes to it. Ultimately though, it wasn't done for for story reasons, but for situations like this.

Our Librarian summoned forth the honored dead to fight their hated enemies. All 1000 of the honored dead.

With spectral wraiths of the Emprahs Fury among them, the Tau battle line faltered, and so we leapt into action. Now, Tau suck ass at close combat,so what happened next was a slaughter. Using his massive strength, our Techpreist crushed tau like meat puppets between his fists, I swung my great sword in massive arcs, slicing tau apart by the dozens in a single swing. The Librarian just hurled around lightning is massive arcs (screaming unlimited powah as he rolled the die) but the true Majesty was our Apothecary.

Astartes weigh a bit, and an Astartes using a souped up Jump Pack can really move fast. Speed X mass = force, so those he hit with his axe did not die. They were not maimed, sliced in half, or even obliterated.

They ceased.

>>43538230
We fought our way into the ship through a rent in the middle, thinking that the Tau would not dare bomb it into splinters because of the prize within. We were right, which just shows how the Tau tend not to think ahead, unlike the Imperium which would be more than happy to disrupt the Tau and would blow the ship open to get at the juicy meats inside, or more realistically, send waves of their own men inside to drown the enemy in bodies.

This was good for us, for as Lord Solar Macharuis had said "Motherfucking aliens dumb as shit. That why they be losin' like punk ass bitches!" Having time, we moved deeper into the ship hunting down the Lord General to seek our missions completion. It did not take long to find him, since we headed for the most sturdy and defensible part of the ship: the engines.

Why the Engines? Because techpreists think that the most awesome thing in the world isn't tits or ass, it's machines. And that nice shiny bridge may be nice, but the real shit is that thrumming core of raw power that was the engines. And so, accordingly, the techpreists had retreated there (we thought anyway).

Turns out we were right. And that Techpriests are dicks.

>>43538298
You see, the Techpriests had come to the assumption that anyone trying to get inside would kill all the Tau first, not thinking that maybe they'd send in Astartes strike squads to bunker down and increase the generals survival odds until everyone else got there. So, in the face of this unimpeachable logic, they decided to set up automated turrets to shoot anything that came close to the doors.

Of course,the Tau would destroy them if they were spotted, so of course the Techpreists had thought of that, cunningly disguising them so they were not easy to notice, even with our auto senses and experience in combat.

Which is why we ended up scrambling for cover when they opened up. Only to realize that the techpreists had removed any cover sturdy enough to withstand lascannon fire.

But that was not the worst. You see, the Tau are also NOT STUPID so were looking for power fluctuations to see if the surviving crew were using comms or something to call for help. Which means that the Lascannons going off showed up on their sensors like massive "fuck me hard" signs.

>>43538356
So, knowing where they were, and thinking that any energy bloom that powerful was a sure sign of bad shit going down, the Tau panicked. Deciding that the time to act had come because inaction would result in failure, the Tau decide to send in battle suits. Lots of battle suits, backed up by fire warrior elites to secure any holes punched in by the giant anime weaboo mechs.

We did not know this of course, but the doom lasers punching holes in the deck brought the attention of the tech priests, who promptly opened the door to let us in. They were very unhappy to learn that we had destroyed half of the turrents, and damaged the rest, and decided to give a long speech about how we should respect the sanctity of the Omnissiah's blessings and our military shortsightedness would make it more difficult do defend against the Tau.

They were interrupted by the Lord General approaching, smacking them upside the head with the butt of his blot pistol, and thanking us for coming. This guy was alright. You see, a lot of generals get bad rep for being assholes, but the thing is the higher up you go in rank the more assholes are weeded out. And stupid generals relying on mass infantry tend not to last very long in the higher ranks, because more subtle tactics are needed. Like not sending thousands of troops for no good reason.

By his nature, we loved him already. He even said to us that the best idea was to fortify the only entrance in and make any alien poking in be filled with instant regret, lasting only a fraction of a second before becoming blue paint.

>>43538463
And then the Techpriests ruined EVERYTHING. Believing that the cannons had to be repaired, they had headed out while no one was looking without a security detail. So when the Tau showed up, they saw techpriests fumbling with deactivated lascannons with the door wide open for anyone to come inside and play. We only realized this when the screaming started.

We rushed outside to fight, and nearly got ventilated when we realized, again, that because of the ever so helpful techpreists, we were in a decent sized room with six battlesuits without any cover at all.

So, faced with only one option, we charged.

>>43538513
(thought that was longer) Now charging battle suits may, again, sound stupid, and we took bad hits for it, but let me explain why it was not as retarded as you think. First, I had HP out the wazoo, the most out of the entire squad. Second, our techmarine was made of McClainium and was way too durable to be felled easy. Not to mention our Apothecary used his jump pack to charge the distance faster than any of us. Also because our Librarian cast buffs and shields to protect us, which is the only reason we lasted long enough to get into combat.

Once we were in close, the Battle suits were revealed to be a terrible idea because even though they could liquidate everything in a wide radius at range, the room was not big enough fro them to maneuver easy, especially when a force bubble hemmed them in.

We carved them apart, pulling them down to earth when they tried to jump away and tearing them open with sword and power fist, then ripping out the pilots through the too small holes we had carved into the cockpits. Blood was everywhere, the wreckage of the battle suits threw up sparks, and this terrified the fire warriors, especially when we turned our attention to them with deliberate intimidation checks.

The Tau decided that a tactical retreat was in order.

>>43538628
And that was when the Tau unleashed their hidden weapon, a top secret project they had decided was perfect for this opportunity. Having realized that the Tau were lacking any sort of mechanized close combat unit (unlike everyone else) they had nothing that could go toe to toe against dedicated melee units.

And so they sent forth their master stroke, a genius move designed to swing the battlefield in their favor, allowing then to neutralize the threat that close combat posed.

A kroot warrior in a battle suit.

Not as stupid as it sounds, this was a battle suit designed to augment the kroots natural skills, and used concepts and ideas used by imperial fighters throughout time. Thick front armor, lighter rear armor, a massive melee weapon resembling the traditional weapon used b the kroot, all paired with a disruption field to help slice through armor. And of course, because it's the Tau, jump packs and smoke grenades for cowardly retreat.

The Apothecary charged in first, and was promptly cut in half a the waist, and sent careening down the hall streaming bold and entrails like some sort of angry firework.

>>43538688
This was where I shone. This is what I had been built for. Charging in, I used my double attack and spent a fate point to make it unblockable. My great sword sliced through the staff, then cut through the jump jets in the front making it very difficult for the kroot suit to jump backwards. The techmarine charged forth with his power fists, only for the kroot suit to do some typical weaboo shit and send the techpreist crashing to the ground though using his momentum or some alien heresy like that.

Using his magic, the Librarian buffed me gain, making me more resilient to damage with temporary hit points which came in really fucking handy the next round. I spent another fate point, cutting deep into the suit and inflicting significant damage judging from the leaking goo and sparks.

At this point, the kroot suit decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and tried to jump away, something which would have worked if not for the Apothecary.

>>43538757
Screaming oaths to emperor, chapter, and the deathwatch, the Apothecary came roaring in on his jump pack, spraying rapidly congealing blood behind him as the flames from the suit cooked the intestines flopping behind him like gory tassels. Rocking in as fast as he could (which was a bit faster because of the sudden weight loss) the Apothecary slammed into the kroot suit, over balancing it's attempts to escape. Of course, it proved almost impossible to control the ricochet from the impact resulting in the apothecary slamming off the kroot suit with a clang, pinging off a wall, then spending the rest of the fight unconscious spinning around in place from the now dented jump pack like a khornate top until it ran out of fuel.

This brought me time to use the great weakness of every battle suit, jumping on top of it and pinning it. At least that was the plan if the Tau hadn't given the Kroot suit some powerful jump jets to make it even faster.

The Librarian trying to stop the Apothecary from bleeding out with help from the techpreists, I was left to fight the kroot suit only to be filled with dread as it tried to take off with me still holding on to it. Cursing the foul alien as it lifted off with great plumes of smoke and fire with me grabbing onto it fromt, I propped myself up with my feet, and with one had stabbed my great sword deep intoa tear in the front, sinking it in to the hilt.

The kroot suit took exception to that and used what was left of its weapon to slice the arm off holding my sword, and through my middle barely missing my spine.

>>43538852
Realizing that the only thing keeping me alive at this point were the temporary hit points granted to me by the Librarian, I jumped up using my remaining arm as a hand hold to swing out almost vertically, before slamming back in straight onto the pommel of my great sword, driving it a foot deeper into the gash and destroying my sliced off right hand which was still holding onto my sword. (when a four meter sword is jabbed into you, it tends to say where it is) This proved to be the killing blow for the kroot suit, as its jets sputtered and died before it crashed to the ground and lay still.

Despite the victory, it was not over. Our tech marine had been badly injured, our Apothecary was near death and could not be moved, I was sitting on critical damage only kept alive by temporary hit points and the army outside was still there and could attack at any moment.

And then out techmarine got a brilliant idea: "Do the point defense systems still work?"

>>43538956
They did.

And it was glorious.

Jury rigging a control lectern, the techmarine rained fire and death down on the alien hordes from safety, smiling as he rolled to hit die for massive anti fighter cannons, anti missile lasers, and even a macro cannon broadside.

Aliens died by the thousands as fire ad death rained down, causing butchery and slaughter no other deathwatch marine had imaged to achieve. Who else could boast to singlehandedly wiping out an army?

Of course, the thunder hawk in orbit for evac and pickup saw all this before landing in with a crash team to help the lord general once the carnage cleared. And we were given great credit as it was told to us that he had, in fact, suffered nothing worse than a mild bruise, and we were lauded as mighty warriors and heroes by the second squad supposed to secure an evac if it was under fire.

I beamed with pride, we stood tall as we could as the Apothecary was loaded onto a medibed for immediate assistance. Our thoughts turned to dreams of glory, and our names being sung in the great halls for years, held as inspirations for generations of space marines to come.

At which point my temporary hit points wore off and I dropped face first into the dirt.

>>43539033
Afterwards, I was given a new shiny robot arm, our Apothecary was turned into a dreadnought, and we were heaped with honors and praise for going so far above and beyond the duty of Astartes and the deathwatch that we were barely able to walk under the weight of our massively inflated heads.

This came to a sudden end when we were told that because of our skill we were being sent to fight in the Malestrom.

END!

Sheer win, right there.

>>43526963

Whoa, a player played as a necron? What?

>>43539073
Did the Apothecary's dreadnought get fitted with a jump pack? Tactical jump dreadnought?

10/10 thread.

>>43527957
What about tech priest robes?

Tech priests can be big, metal, and awkward