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Very well.

But I've got my eye on you.

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>>40648247
Sounds legit

Heretics, the lot of ya.

>>40648247
HOLD ON JUST ONE SECOND, "PRIVATE"

That haircut's against regulation!
Report to the barber immediately!

>>40648247
WHERE IN THE NAME OF THE GOD EMPEROR IS YOU GEAR BOOT? DOD YOU FUCKING FORGET THE GLORIOUS GALAXY PATTERN LASGUN THAT YOU ARE ISSUED WITH? I OUGHT TO SEND YOU TO THE COMMISSAR FOR YOUR FAILURE! BUT IN MY BENEVOLENCE I SHALL ALLOW YOU TO EXPLAIN.

NOW, WHAT IS YOU MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

Well, at least she isn't calling the Emperor 'Sigmar' like that one feudal worlder we press ganged from that one remote planet.

>>40648454
Don't worry miss most of us did not get the memo either about the change in regulations. The Printer's machine spirit is having a sulk right now.

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>>40648247
Good soldier now march over there
all according to plan

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>>40648247
Report to the front line, maggot. We're charging the orks in two minutes.

...

No, I don't care where you left your damn rifle. Your combat knife will be sufficient.

>>40648455
>>40648722
But lasguns don't even shoot ninja stars~! I don't understand how you peopl- uh, how out brave and awesome comrades get by with just humble laser beams.

>>40649446
YOU DID NOT ANSWER MY QUESTION BOOT! WHERE. THE. FUCK. IS. YOUR. GEAR. IS IT SO HART TO MAKE A SIMPLE EXPLANATION?

>>40649446
Wanna go have sex?
Hehe I don't even know why I'm asking all normal human women always agree to sex with the first man to ask them, and they always enjoy it obviously, why am I even telling you this?

>>40648247
Wouldnt it be impossible for an eldar to fit in with the guard due to being 7ft tall and moving faster than non augmented humans?

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>>40648247
>>40649446

>>40649830
Congrats. You saw the joke. That is, in fact, the entire joke. Please go to a clown and collect your prize.

Oh wait. Sorry. You can't.

BECAUSE YOU JUST COMMITTED HUMOR GENOCIDE, AND THE CLOWNS WERE AN UNFORTUNATE FUCKING CAUSALITY.

>>40649830
what if it was a baby eldar?

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>>40649830

Let me get my chainsword and help you out guardsman!

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>>40649830
See this picture, this is you right now. Stop being stupid and roll with the joke.

>>40649446
Don't worry. According to The Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer, orks are quite stupid, not to mention clumsy. According to this, their laughably primitive firearms are accurate to about arms length, and once in melee they'll be tripping over each other and themselves within a few highly obvious swings!
You'll be fine even with the knife! The enemies of the Imperium stand no chance against us!

>>40650615
I'm proud to come from such an... optimistic species. Would you be willing to trade your laser gun for my knife?

>>40650615
Also remember blams for all under performing soldiers make sure that knife keeps up with the Lasguns

>>40649830
>Shes not a fat manlets.
Pretty sure that part isn't against IG regulations.

>>40650300
>stop being a nerd
>/tg/

>>40650792
Hm... Having two knives may be against regulations... We still have some time before the charge, maybe I could help you find your gun? The quartermaster won't be happy if he finds out you lost a piece of the emperor's most blessed wargear.

>>40648247

>New orders from up top.

>Good news is we get better grenades.

>Bad news is any soldier who misplaces their gun will have said explosives stuck to their back with a remote detonator and sent running towards the enemy.

>Here's the kill switch for the commissar, should work for every grenade in the unit, numbers on this dial are set to the number painted on the side of all the new grenades."

"I'M A MUNITIONS OFFICER AT A DEAD RUN, I OUT RANK EVERYBODY!!!"

Just as I planned...

>>40651366
nuts

Shouldn't there be a couple worlds where the humans have big pointy ears and very adorable, attractive features?

I mean we got them 80s cat girls from McConnell and literal plant-people.

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>>40648375

>>40651968
Twists exist and some have pointed ears but they are hardly uniform at all.

>>40651968
they have long since been purged

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Wut? Dis green skin is camoflage what lets me hide better in da treez. I dunno wut an ork iz, but I bet they's made fer fightan and winnin. Yer humie emperor mite be in a bit o'er 'is head in dis war.

Just sayin', humie ta humie.

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>>40648430
Did I hear Heresy?

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>>40652528
>Yer humie emperor mite be in a bit o'er 'is head in dis war.
>emperor
>in a bit o'er 'is head

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>>40651968
I remember this one world with folks like that.
Quiet little Feudal World, looked nice from orbit.
Lots of ugly monsters though, but the locals figured out how to keep em off.
I remember seeing this one boy just hack through them like they were nothing, but I couldn't get a word out of him.

Commander, a member of ordos xenos is coming to inspect to see if they'really are any xenos spies... says a report shows that the Eldar scum are trying to find weaknesses in forces.

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>>40652811
Leave the inquisitor to me...

>>40652811
Orbital bombardment will be cheaper then sending forces.
We can afford it.

>>40652061
Nice

>>40652737
Ya look a bit miffed boss.

Look, all I's means by dat, is dat tha emp'rer is tiny and pink, while da orks iz big an green. It don't take a git ta see how dat foight would go... da orkz would just squash him inta pink jelly.

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>>40653014

>>40652844
Plastic Nee-san sure is strange

>>40652811
As if. Any attempt to spy on our supremely supreme military would be a useless gesture, no matter how badass the xenos are. Surely we don't have any weaknesses that could be exploited by the eldar. Right?

...Right?

>>40649830
What if they follow the Path of the Mon-keigh?

>>40653132
Why you getting mad at the space marine?

>>40653635
That path isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Not that I would know.

>>40653570
Of course not, for our God Emperor guides us to glory and victory. Now private, I want you to shut up and get in formation, we don't pay you to ask questions.

>>40654462
Wait, we actually get paid? Since when?

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>>40648247
This isn't within my jurisdiction -- report to captain Vase Guay for any further complaints or requests.

>>40654518
Well, we don't not pay them to ask questions, either.

>>40654542
Oh shit we got Tau!
Get the melta bombs lads, we're lootin pulse rifles tonight!

>>40654807
Why? They don't have bayonet lugs.

>>40654807
What? This armor is clearly the heraldic blue of your emperor, human!... Fellow! Fellow human!

>>40654841
Duct tape, fellow soldier.
>>40654901
Uhh right! We'll just be splitting the melta bomb reserves with you then as a neighbor's welcoming gift, off we go to your camp then!

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Greetings, followers of the God-Emperor. I wondered if any of you had time for a reading of the Lectitio Divinitatus.

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>>40649830

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>>40654807
What's that? Do I detect a heretek among your troops, Commisar?

>>40654462
We are paid?

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Nice to meet you all, but we're all going to die soon anyway. No point in making introductions til you've lasted maybe a month, make needing to remember your name a possibility. Assuming I last that long too, Emperor bless me.

I now like to imagine that there are entire Imperial companies consisting of poorly-disguised xenos and traitors.

It makes the universe more fun.

>>40655307
>entire companies of Tau fighting other Tau to keep the cover story up
>entire companies of Orks fighting other Orks because thats what Orks do.

>>40654922
Good old duct tape, humanities greatest trumph against th Xeno, the Mutant and the Heretic

>>40655436
>Pvt. Human is assigned to a unit consisting of a gue'vesa, two weirdboyz, a traitor guard, a normal guard, and a hive tyrant

>>40655555
>The path of the mon-keigh aint shit.

>>40652798
Link, Abaddondorf has kidnapped Emperor Zelda!

>>40655555
Don't forget the Feral Worlder who isn't sure what's going on and doesn't actually speak a language spoken by anyone else, but who manages to more or less actually be the one getting shit done.

Nobody pays any attention to him, though, because they're too busy trying to convince the others that they're regular guard, and the normal guard is desperately trying to figure out how to escape without getting shot by the strangely oblivious Commissar.

>>40655555
I checked them.

>>40655555
The new 40k comedy, brought to you by /tg/.

>>40650615
How are you not a Sargent, Rock?

>>40655555
> the hive tyrant doesn't even have a uniform, it just has an aquila pasted into it's chest, and boot on one of its horns

>>40655555
Quints confirm, it's now a thing.

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>>40655800
>he's the Vox operator
>keeps "accidentally" telling the gaunts our strategies.

>>40655692
According to the Tyrant, the Commissar tried to shoot him once... It could potentially be the reason why he's nowhere to be seen.

>>40655555
Others free to add or remove potential soldiers of dubious humanity.

>>40655850
OP needs to doodle a Dark Eldar chick in a Krieger disguise. This is now my fetish.

>>40655555
We need a sergeant for this troop

>>40655922
A Harlequin that never speaks.

>>40655840
>Its not even doing it on purpose, its a big dumb animal at an vox machine slapping the right keys out of pure luck.

>>40655922
A Flayed One that's surprisingly good at pretending he's still a meatbag.

>>40655883
Cpl. Mensch. Those pleasurable moaning sounds when she kills someone are just gas mask noises. And don't be alarmed at her superhuman skill with pointy weapons.

>>40649866
That last fucking line man.

>>40655883
A Dark Elder in Bondage that involves so many straps that everyone else THINKS it's a Krieger in disguise.

> How do you think that gas-mask works, exactly?

> I dunno, it seems pretty tight to me though. I wonder if it's uncomfortable?

>>40655940
But only gets the post after the first serge is shot for trying to tell the comissar about the rather inhuman guards
Shit writes itself!

>>40655850
They all drive around in a daemon possessed chimera that makes machine noises to appear as normal as possible.

>>40655980
Aside from the occasional wailing of one of the fleshy faces that comes out of the armor

>>40655980
>Brubrubrubrubrubru Brummmm

The Cogboy is actually an Earth caste under a red tarpaulin.

>>40655980
They have a warp spawn mascot that looks like an aquila.
"Kill me..."

SOMEBODY MAKE THIS COMIC ALREADY!

Someone must make model conversions for whatever the hell we have just wrought.

>>40656020
But Anon, we are without drawfags.

>>40656020
The title
>Mostly Heresy (in a gothic typeface.)

>>40655922
The Sergeant is the only guy who knows what's going on, but the Commissar refuses to listen to him, so he's forced to take his "troops" on missions where they try to betray each other, or comically screw up and accidentally save the day.

> Gue'Vasa hacks the comms system and calls in artillery strike on friendly position to let the Tau push forward.

> Turns out they were infested with Genestealers brought by the Hive Tyrant.

> Sergeant gets another medal. He saw the whole thing and was trying to warn them about it, but was mis-understood so they thought he was the one who got the message across. He is extremely frustrated by this, everyone else thinks he just has PTSD - the treatment for which is getting him drunk enough he doesn't care.

> Eldar guardsmen tried to keikaku the whole thing to preserve the stalemate, but ended up getting faded to black by DE Krieger

> Orks walked in on the Eldar & DE, thinking there was a fight going on from all the screaming and sounds of metal.

> Commissar executed a platoon of fellow Guardsmen sent as back-up for being late using artillery, then had a lovely tea. Turns out Guardsmen were Gue'Vasa auxiliaries who were coming to support the Tau who collapse without their flanking attack.

VICTORY FOR THE IMPERIUM!

And the administrator that assembled them? Alpha legionary.

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>>40656052
Even Tzeentch is impressed.

>>40656020
> title: the emperor's finest.
> by a citizen of the second terran millenia.

>>40655950
Flayed One: I was under the assumption that organic meatbags such as yourself enjoyed such forms of address.
Commissar: "Organic meatbags?"
Flayed One: Retraction: Did I say that out loud? I apologize, commissar. While you are a meatbag, I suppose I should not call you as such.

>>40656184
Hey, I am not going around calling you a tincan man, am I?

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>>40656052
>entire troop does so poorly at supporting their respective xeno factions that they figure it best to just stay on with the Imperium to avoid execution
it writes itself

>>40649830

Actually, some voidborns are pretty freaky. A voidborn being tall, pale and agile wouldn't be out of the ordinary.

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Pvt. Scissorhands reporting for duty

If combat turns into some Rube Goldberg chain of treason that ends up going well for the Imperium, imagine what down time is like.

>ork cooks up some mean grub for his new boyz
>ends up making everyone sick
>they miss a suicide attack and instead end up uncovering the traitor who gave the orders for it

>>40655555

>The Monstrous Regiment

>>40656283
>orkcooking so bad it makes the hive tyrant sick
Goddamn stop seasoning with promethium

>>40656236
Alternatively

> So much gets screwed up that nobody wins, each faction thinks their troops are doing amazing and demands they stay in the troop despite them all wanting to leave. Especially the Sergeant.

>>40656294
MY GOD IT'S BRILLIANT!

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>>40655950
Sgt. Still A. Meatbag is ready to command

>>40656184
Flayed one is usually seen drinking, smoking and doing drugs. But the booze just pours on his face, he has ro re-enlight the smokes because he has no lungs and the needles break when pressed against the necrodermis.

>Serge tries to get into the sick bay for the closest thing he could get to some time off
>turns out his medic is a bloodletter
>nopes out
>Bloodletter-medic tries to subject him to... 'treatments'
>ends up back in his platoon
>feels it's safer that way
>ends up beng dead drunk AGAIN

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>>40656334

Still A. Meatbag? Now that's a name I can trust

> Eldar starts spending a lot of time around the Sergeant to try and figure out the Imperiums weaknesses (hint: THERE ARE NONE, FILTHY XENOS.)

> Sergeant gets nervous and paranoid, thinking exactly the right thing about the situation.

> Other troops notice, Orks are confused leading to the Gue'Vasa as an expert in "interspecies romance" (filthy weeb Fish fucker that he is.) to explaining to them that she is trying to attract the Sergeant.

> DE Krieger catches wind of this, decides to seduce the Sergeant for real to ruin the Eldars plans/Get some human dickings.

> Hive Tyrant decides this is all fucking gross, we get an abstract flashback to it being spawned from the breeding pool in all it's sticky, bloody, reverse-vore glory of disturbing organic machinery assembling it. Hive Tyrant misses the comfort of familiar sights.

> DE Krieger is chasing Sergeant around now, Sergeant thinks she is also trying to get secrets of the Imperium from him leading to misunderstandings.

> Eldar thinks DE is trying to get secrets of Imperium from Sergeant, tries to intervene. Gue'Vasa explains to Orks that this is jealousy. Orks ask Eldar about it, she flips after being stressed over the Sergeant avoiding her and the DE seeming to get closer, secretly pissed the Sergeant might think a) That she's trying to get with him. b) That he would reject her, and c) that this is what the Orks think. Has a minor psychic freak out and intimidates the crap out of the Orks.

> Sergeant finally gets some alone time in the barracks, sits down to have some chow, and suddenly is paralyzed. Eldar appears from the shadows, wearing . . . not much at all, and bearing a whip. Fade to black.

> Next day has the Eldar declaring to the Sergeant that she's giving up on him and chewing him out for perceived command failures. Sergeant has thousand-yard stare going on the whole time. Camera switches, we see the Dark Eldar getting dressed, she looks EXACTLY like the Eldar Guardsman and has a faint smile.

>>40656387

>Bloodletter is always bothering squadmates to not eat too much fat

>"This will clogs up your arteries. The blood must flow!"

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>>40656364

>>40656400

>Implying Sergeant Still A. Meatbag would fall for this

He gots a girl back home, you know. And he's only three weeks away from retirement.

>>40656415
AWESOME

>>40656432
I was still typing it up when he was still just a regular Sergeant as per >>40656052

>>40656415

> The Bloodletters only solution to every problem?

> "I've been shot in the arm" BETTER AMPUTATE.

> "I've been blinded by the explosion" BETTER AMPUTATE.

> "I think I picked something up at the Brothel" BETTER AMPUTATE

> " My leg is a mangled mess from a mine" . . . . LEECHES.

>>40656002
Ooh, I like that.
>>40656028
Sorry, I've got enough on my plate gathering materials for a full company of Blood Jaguars.
>>40656432
Let's say he's in charge of an otherwise mostly-normal squad that tends to work alongside the main one, showing up when the team needs their asses pulled out of the fire. The "why me" human drunk is too perfect, and there's room for both squads in the Chimera, assuming the Hive Tyrant mans an exterior gun. It'll just be a little cramped. I'm sure that Krieger chick won't mind.

>>40655980
This needs to be a thing...

>>40656534
Of course he doesn't ue a scalpel, no he uses the standard bloodletter sword... in form of a giant scalpel
For everything

>>40656428
Not even like Bender. He does not need it, and does not even enjoy it. But he'll be "oh yes I have drunk too much, I can barely content myself acting like a stupid human and 'flirt' with the human women" in a quite emotionless voice.
The squad consider him a party animal nothing less.

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>>40656534
>> " My leg is a mangled mess from a mine" . . . . LEECHES.
My sides, they have evaporated!

Also the only other medicae member...is a demonette.

There are two regular humans in the squad, each of them lock themselves up at night, taking turns to watch the bunker door for the rest of the platoon.

Much to their horror when either the Elder or DE come knocking on the door with "I just want to talk"

Of course the Commissar or any other officer won't believe them...

The Commissar is so old he can't make a difference between a Hive Tyrant and a Guardsmen, his peers try to tell him to finally quit, but he mistakes them for guardsmen and as long as someone points him at something to kill, noone has any problems

>>40656644
One of them is an AL sleeping operative who though that was just a regular mission.

>>40656572
Sometimes, when he thinks nobody's looking, he uses his teeth.

> I thought it was like with newborns, how you severe their spinal . . . I mean, umbilical cords with your teeth. It's the circle of life!

There is no need for my wednesday to start this funny.

>>40656658
I like that... The other one is a loyal Cadian, we still need at least one Imperial soldier here.

How about a Tomb King masqurading as an Officer by stapling empulets onto his shoulders and wearing a cap?

>>40656658
Naw, the Commissar is revealed to be the AL operative who gets things done by doing nothing at all.

> Rage mode

Aliens told him it had to be done as the other Xenos are one day going to either destroy or save the Empire, but he got confused and now can't remember which it is so he alternately save or tries to kill them all.

> Extra Heretical

He's actually a Night Lord who inherited Curze's curse of split personality and eventually came to believe that he's an AL, and occasionally reports into them. They have no fucking clue who he is or what he's babbling about but they're too proud to admit it so they pretend to go along with it, even to each other, so he never gets found out.

This leads to AL getting sent to support him on random planets because his ramblings have nothing to do with what's actually going on.

> M. Night What the Hell are you Doing

The Commissar is actually the Emperor who left a fake corpse behind so that he could get on with the business of Saving the Imperium without having to re-conquer it after all the time has passed.

>>40655980
>>40656650
>"Uh, Commissar? That tank is clearly daemon-possessed."
>"Eh? What? Don't know whatchure talkin' 'bout, sonny."
>"No, seriously, that is a daemon tank."
>"Ah, stop tryin' ta twist mah arm 'hind mah back, that ole techs were good 'nuff fer me, an' they're good 'nuff fer yew and yer creeww."
>YES, GUARDSMAN, STOP DISCRIMINATING AGAINST MY KIND. JUST BECAUSE I ORIGINATE FROM TEN THOUSAND YEARS AGO AND HAVE BATHED IN *COUNTLESS AEONS OF BLOOD AND GORE SHALL DROWN YOUR EMPEROR-DAMNED WORLDS IN FIIIIIIIRE* DOESN'T MEAN I AM NOT STILL PROPERLY FUNCTIONAL.
>"..."
>"Bruglugr- eh, what?"
>I MEAN. UH. BRRRRAAMMMMRAMAMAMAMRMMM, BRRUUUAAAAAAAAAAABRUUUUUAAAAAA...
>"Yeehp, all seems ta be in order."

>>40656619
The other Medicae Member is a Daemonette who randomly distributes drugs, often inappropriately.

> Will this make me feel better?

> ". . . . I said something FOR the pain, not to make it go away" Screaming intensifies.

Somehow, though, people never die in either one's care, leading to much discussion about which one you would rather have take care of you. Currently tipped slightly in favour of the Daemonette because tits (mostly from those who haven't been to her before), although you do sometimes get a pretty sweet bionic after visiting the Bloodletter.

>>40656718
>Extra Heretical: TWEEST MODE
He just thinks he is a Night Lord as he has a split personality. The rest is still valid

Somebody archived this thread already?

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>>40656740
>>40656782
This is going places.

>>40656400
> Other troops notice, Orks are confused leading to the Gue'Vasa as an expert in "interspecies romance" (filthy weeb Fish fucker that he is.) to explaining to them that she is trying to attract the Sergeant.

Do Orks understand sexual reproduction ?
Do they even understand what genders are ?

Or would the Orks just get more confused by any attempted explanation ?

>>40656787
Fair enough, I really just tossed that in to justify the split personality bit, but the reverse works just as well.

>the Chimera identifies as an assault helicopter

>>40656827
Of course they would get confused. They would think that the Eldar is trying to become the Sergeants Warboss, and probably lend their aid in throwing him over since he's running like a grot. Especially after she lays a psychic beat down on them where they see her as HUGE and SCARY. Like Soun Tendo's Demon Head chi attack in Ranma 1/2

Ends up with them following the Eldar around like puppy dogs while being mildly seditious and occasionally messing with the Sergeant to impress her. Every time she tries to dissuade them, they gain more respect for her "cunning plans" and try even harder.

>>40656849
> Sir, I think the Tank is making helicopter noises?

Tank: Flys internally.

> 'E just wantz to be Choppy, ain't nuttin wrong wit' dat.

Orks end up gluing blades all over him. The tank pretends not to notice, but it makes him a little bit happier AS HE WALLOWS IN THE BLOOD OF THOSE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO STAND IN HIS WAY, BE THEY FRIEND OR FOE.

> Hrmph, that BaneBlade might think he's hot shit with his 11 barrels of hell, but at least I TASTE THE BLOOD OF MY FOES ON MY BLADES.

>>40656091
Now I imagine a Tzeentchean cultist looking at this mess of a squad, then pulling out his hair while screaming. Just as planned. Just AS planned. JUST AS PLANNED.

>>40656859
The Eldars name is katesh, it's short for Bob.

>>40656894
I'd love to be part of that company, seriously

>>40656660
One of the weirdboyz ends up snuffing the bloodletter up by accident, with everyone watching. Noone asks questions and for the next few stories he talks with the demon is his head, making everyone midly disturbed until he sneezes the bloodletter, whole and covered in warpsnot, at a company of traitors, vaporizing them

>>40656987
Splendid!

>>40656907

> Nobody knows about the Eldars gender except the DE.

> Katesh IS a girl, she just picked Bob as the most common human name.

> Debate rages hotly, however, and the only person they know who they THINK knows for sure (The Sergeant) refuses to talk about it, and starts making uncomfortable comments about "Confusion on the battlefield" whenever people press him about it. They aren't sure if it's a reference to Bob's gender or a threat.

"I swear he was walking funny after that night, though!"

"I do not know, my fellow companion in the search for greater Goodness in these dark times, some men are into that. It can be very . . . stimulating"

"SKRRREEEEEEEONK"

"Why yes, I agree, a gentleman would never judge."

>>40657016
>"SKRRREEEEEEEONK"
Sp it's a Niddhogr Hive Tyrant,that explains everything.

I've gotten lost in our cast of characters. Which guardsman is which, and what genders are they?

Deamonettes dressed as Sisters of Battle when?

>>40657067
We've already got one in the medical wing with bloodletter medic.

What if there was this inquisitor yes?
Who decided to toughen up his progeny by dumping him in the nearest IG regiment, which turned out to be this one.
Who just like the seargent knows about all the traitors and xenos in it.
But just let's it be as he is enjoying the freedom from lion dad and tiger mum.
Just chillin, shooting some random things, maybe getting drunk enough to hit on the Eldar/Deldar.

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>>40657066
Sarge- human loyalist, drunk
Hive Tyrant- wears a boot & aquila
Orks- 2 weirdboyz
Other humans- a gue'vesa subversive and a confused, semi-oblivious loyalist
Commissar- Alpha Legionnaire, possibly a Night Lord
Flayed One- Sgt. Still A. Meatbag, leader of the team's brother squad
Medics- a Bloodthirster with a scalpel the size of an assault bike and a Daemonette nurse dressed as a Hospitallier

Did I miss anyone?

>>40657066
We have a Space Marine Traitor Commissar who is either a crazy AL, or crazy NL, but is definitely crazy.

A standard Human loyal Guardsman Sergeant, who is aware of what's happened to the squad but no-one will listen to him, and he tries to spend as much time drunk as possible.

Sgt. Still A. Meatbag from another squad that's all real guardsmen.

A female DE that is mistaken for a Krieger.

A female Eldar guardsman which started the thread.

Two Orks, because Orks is never alonses. They're the infamous Ork Snipers.

A Hive Tyrant heavy weapons specialist.

A Demonically possessed Leman Russ that makes Vrooom noises when you drive it, is jealous of the company BaneBlade, and wishes to rain death from the skies in the form of an attack helicopter.

A Bloodletter medicae with a Daemonette nurse.

And a Gue'Vasa bard, er, vox operator.

Our squad terrifies the shit out of Sgt. Still A. Meatbag's squad a lot of the time.

>>40657134
>>40657135

Somewhere between these two lies the truth.

I'm willing to compromise on the Orks being Weirdboyz because I just tossed the Ork Snipers thing in there as a joke, and because nobody wants Psykers in their squad but we need snipers.

>>40657135
d'oh, I forgot the Eldar

I thought we used a Chimera, though, not a Russ. And while it was never established, I like the idea of Sgt. Meatbag's squad being wide-eyed idealists who aren't remotely aware of all this heresy.

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>>40657135
>infamous Ork Snipers

>>40657178
Yeah, they sometimes hit the thing they're aiming at.

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>>40657134
I'm so lucky I'm alone at work right now, this shit has no business being this funny.

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>>40657135
>>40657161
The two Weirdboyz are actually in our squad. Every so often, though, enemy leaders suddenly keel over as a spray of dakka washes over them.

>>40657174
Oh, it WAS a Chimera, not a Russ.

And I was just trying to work in the Guardsmen barricading themselves away from the squad that someone mentioned earlier.

That could still be yet another squad, not like anyone has ever worried about running out of Guardsmen before, and Sgt. Meatbags squad could always go to bat for us against the rest of the company and be the only ones willing to hang out with us.

> That's a Hive Tyrant. A HIVE TYRANT.

> What? Cpl. Skrreeonk is just a bit big. Maybe a touch of Ogryn, but if I had Ogryn in the gene pool I would appreciate it if people didn't mention it, wouldn't you?

> HIVE. TYRANT.

> Really, that's not a very nice thing to say about his mother.

Commissar comes in.

> ARE YOU TALKING SHIT ABOUT THIS SOLDIERS MOTHER, SON? MOTHERS THAT PRODUCE THE GUARDSMEN THAT PROTECT THIS IMPERIUM? MOTHERS, LIKE THE MOTHER TO US ALL THAT THE EMPEROR HIMSELF IS? I HAD A MOTHER MYSELF YOU KNOW, ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAY ABOUT HER? SPEAK UP, PRIVATE!

> Sir! Commissar Sir! I think the Private is unable to respond due to you blamming him before you started your touching speech on our Mother the Emperor, sir!

> WHAT'S THAT? HERESY! THE EMPEROR IS A MAN, HOW COULD HE BE YOUR MOTHER? ARE YOU CLAIMING TO BE THE PROGENY OF THE EMPEROR, SON? WELL THEN, YOU CAN LEAD THE NEXT CHARGE AND PROTECT US ALL UNDER YOUR BLESSING!

Commissar storms off.

> . . . .I fucking hate you guys.

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>>40657248

This entire thread is why I love /tg/

>>40657295
True

Damn if I wasn't at work I'd drawfag the shit out of this thing.

>>40657278
Commissars never speak at less than a shout.

At this rate the entire regiment will be made up of Xenos and Xenos sympathizers, led by a confused Grot who doesn't understand why people listen to him whenever he wears the fancy hat.

The only human loyal to the emperor is the poor drunk bastard who stopped caring years ago.

Due to their past victories, they are sent into the eye of terror and the front lines against chaos, proceed to completely halt the 13th black crusade by classic Warner Brothers levels of heroic mishap, find love, have philosophical debates over campfires and go home in ten years to live out their lives on farms..

Until...

They are needed again...

And a confused Grot in a fancy hat has to ask them to come back, because their galaxy needs them.

>>40657307
Sooooo . . . . when you get home?

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>>40657309
>implying our Commissar's machinations do not ultimately serve the Emprah

>>40657309
>serial esclation the post

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>>40657309
And then...Ganmen

>>40657309
You've gone too far. This is just a rag-tag band of unlikely Guardsmen, caught up in the tides of war, trying to survive another day . . .

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gO7uemm6Yo

>>40657337
*Twenty years pass, meanwhile on Craftworld Atlantsar*

"I am not going back! I paid my dues!"

"Oy! 'ow did I even get 'here?"

"I am a farmer now, a normal citizen!"

"Why can't I get rid 'of dis stupid hat!?"

"Don't make me leave my family!"

"Wot ya talkin' bout ya pointy hair'd git?! I jus' wanna go to da nearest waagh!"

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>>40657350

>>40657307
DO IT

>>40657114
Or the Inquisitor also knows. But is enough of a radical to leave the squad alone, except when he has a task for them.

>>40657369
He doesn't even tell them what to do, he just plops them down on some world and let's it all pan out.
He relaxes by playing bartender at the O-Club the Sarge gets drunk in everyday

>>40657319
Lunchbreak atm. I'm on it.

>>40657369

I feel like it should be the other way around, he drops in on occasion to check in on reports of Heresy and Xenos, causing the squad to panic (including the Sergeant, Inquisitorial Justice is . . . indiscriminate).

It's one of the few times when the Sergeant genuinely helps them hide, with awkward blushing thanks from the Eldar, Aggressive groping thanks from the DE, Distracting the Orks around as they keep chasing down the Gue'vasa in what they think is a game of hide & go seek, the Bloodletter and Daemonette just vanish nobody knows where, and the Chimera makes tank noises.

The Hive Tyrant accidentally runs into the Inquisitor after a night of celebratory drinking, and just stares him down before lumbering off. As he's flipping his switch, the Sgt. Meatbag informs him that his mother was an Ogryn and we don't talk about it, thank you very much, unless you're a rude meatbag which wouldn't surprise him the way he sloshes around all full of liquid like that.

The Inquisitor writes it off as still being drunk and goes back to bed.

>>40657419
Awesome! Thanks man.

>>40657421
The Inquisitor not knowing doesn't mean he won't have work for them. After all, he would know about their successes.

Or maybe keep how much the Inquisitor knows ambiguous. So the Sergeant is even more worried because he keeps seeing things that would give everything away, but isn't sure if the Inquisitor saw them or not.

Because if the sergeant knows that the Inquisitor knows, he can relax a bit because he no longer needs to run around trying to hide them.

>>40657495
The inquisitor knows but gets a kick out of the seargent running around hiding the less human members of the regiment. So he pretends nothing's wrong, but he knows of the regiment's successes and uses them wherever he needs them. He is particularly proud of the ork snipers.

>>40657518
The Inquisitor knows, but the Sergeant is the Scapegoat who everything is going to fall on if anyone finds out. But he doesn't have to worry, the Inquisitor has full faith in his ability to handle everything, and if he needs anything the Inquisitor has another agent in place to help him out.

The Inquisitor then leaves without telling him who the other agent is.

The Sergeant is convinced it's the Commissar, because he thinks that the Chaos Gods hate him in a personally.

It's the Orks, they're Mercenaries working for the Inquisitor. This is the only way I could think of to make it worse than the Commissar.

>>40657495
This could work as well, or with a combination of >>40657556

Where he's told the Sergeant he's leaving an agent behind to help out if needed and keep an eye on things, etc.

>>40657556
WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGGG!!!!

He promised the orks some good fighting and excitement. Also sniper rifles.

As long as it doesn't turn out the Inquisitor is a sentient amorphus blob hiding in the skin of the Inquisitor... I'm okay with this

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>>40657556
>>40657567
The weirdboyz've gotta be as oblivious as everyone else, but it would explain the Ork snipers. >>40657214

>>40657579
As far as Sgt. Meatbag is concerned, that's pretty much everyone in the Regiment.

>DE finds Bob's soulgem

>>40657611
>What happens if you fondle a soulgem...

>>40657611
I'd find Hugh Man much better as a name, but okay

>>40657601
PERFECT!

>>40657621
Nothing, it's not MGNQ, their souls don't go into their gems until they die.

>>40657611
Sarge thinks it's a whiskey stone and plops it in his drink, getting Pvt. Human drunk.

>>40657657
>>40657621
>>40657611

Cancer. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, DECULTURE? LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T WRITE.

>People keep wondering where the weird crystals the Krieger and Bob always pay their tabs with come from

>>40657787
But but classy whiskey drinking m8.
Be the man who can afford to cool his whiskey with rare gems. Bling as fuck

>>40657837
Cooling drinks with soulstones seems like a real rogue trader thing to do.

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>>40657849

>Jeeves, bring me the my standard whiskey glass

>>40657849
>Pvt. Human get in here! We're drinking like classy motherfuckers tonight!

>>40657849
But where'd they get the soulstone?

>>40657882
Their rogue trader connections, of course. Or they just paid a corsair prince heaps of money.

>>40657882
Sarge took it from Deldar Krieger who nicked it from Pvt. Human.

And then of course there's the very confused Bone Gnawer Deserter who made it here through a connection between the deep umbra and the warp, and would like to go home now thank you very much because this is NOT better than the wyrm-ridden planet he just came from.

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>>40657016
>>40656907
>Bob
>Bob

Yes

>>40654979
I miss loyalist Word Bearers.

Is this thread worthy of the archive?

>>40658008
I beleive so.

>>40658008
I decided yes, and archived it here http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/40648247/

>>40657367
>>40657350

Remind me, do we have Lagann versions of all of these? I know King Kitan has a Lagann enhanced art out there.

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>>40648247
I don't see anything wrong about ya lass.

However one of our new Commissars is...ravenous. I mean he eats more than a normal human does. Maybe he's from a death world or something?

I like how everyone here kept adding complexity to the cast of characters without any removals or simplifications and only came to a final decision after we had gotten transmachinist demon-tank-copters ridden by dark eldar that people think are Krieg guardsmen under the control of a drunkard officer that uses another eldar's dream gem as a whiskey stone while she almost seduces him alongside orks confused by human sexuality that themselves are trying to insight riot in order to fulfill the wishes of a person that doesn't exist and being healed by a demon nurse with giant breasts that answers to a bloodletter medic obsessed with cardiovascular health. All of which answer to a comissar that is also two different chaos heretics at once. Alongside another unit that has a flayed one in it that leads a bunch of oblivious guardsmen.

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>>40658097
/tg/ in all its glory, ca/tg/irls and fa/tg/uys.

>>40658097
It's been ruined. Thread's over, too complex. People are trying too hard, it should have ended with the tank.

Okay, I just read through the entire thread, this is what I get.

>Imperial Guardsman Sergeant, Human, only sane person
>Two ork weirdboyz, working for an inquisitor?
>Bob the Eldar. Crushes on Imperial Guardsman Sergeant?
>Dark Eldar that wants Sergeant's dick
>Oblivious Commissar who may or may not just be playing along
>Inquisitor that's either oblivious, stupid or playing along
>Sister of Battle daemonette
>Bloodletter medic
>Chimera that makes tank noises to hide that its a daemon

Did I miss anything? Christ, this thread.

>>40658130
shit i forgot the hive tyrant

how did i forget the hive tyrant

>>40658130
You forgot the elephant, I mean the Hive Tyrant in the middle of the room.

And Sgt. Still A. Meatbag

>>40658130
Bob isn't crushing on the sergeant...?
That was a misperception of the deldar/tau that observed she may be.
>Forgot the tau

>>40658097
>No time travel
>No dragons
/tg/ I am disapoint

>>40658145
fuck

>>40658135
It's just that good man.
The hive tyrant is just that good at blending in even people with meta knowledge overlook him.

>>40658151
I had dimensional travel to get a "human" from Earth's far past. Does that count?

>>40658130

We have a Space Marine Traitor Commissar who is either a crazy AL, or crazy NL, but is definitely crazy, and possibly both AL and a NL.

A standard Human loyal Guardsman Sergeant, who is aware of what's happened to the squad but no-one will listen to him, and he tries to spend as much time drunk as possible. Has been raped by the DE who looks just like Pvt. Human outside of her gear.

Sgt. Still A. Meatbag from another squad that's all real guardsmen.

A female DE that is mistaken for a Krieger.

A female Eldar guardsman which started the thread.

Two Orks, Weirdboys because Orks is never alonses.

A Hive Tyrant heavy weapons specialist who has made an attempt at a disguise.

A Demonically possessed Chimera that makes Vrooom noises when you drive it, is jealous of the company BaneBlade, and wishes to rain death from the skies in the form of an attack helicopter [Flies Internally]

A Bloodletter medicae who only amputates (or uses leeches) with a Daemonette titty nurse who has a unique approach to providing medicine.

And a Gue'Vasa bard, er, vox operator.

St. Still A. Meatbag is a flayed one, commanding a squad of Shonen Protagonist level density Guardsmen who are our bro's.

There's an Inquisitor who knows the score but plays dumb for plausible deniability, he has hired a suspiciously competent pair of Ork Snipers to help out from time to time.

>>40658187
Writefaggotry when?

Does suptg auto-update with the thread or will it have to be re-archived?

>pathetic, unfunny roleplayers patting themselves on the back

Y'all niggas is gay.

>>40658196
Uhhhh. . . . . .

Give me some time to put it all together? I think I got a fair amount of it in this post, actually.

>>40656052

was also me when I cared enough to take my name off from posting in A quest

We might have Drawfaggotry too from >>40657419

>>40658219
MAYBE it could be simplified, just a bit.

Just a tiny bit.

>>40658219
If we do a quest thread make it that we are some newb Guardsmen shipped in and have to learn to deal with the situation unlike our deadbeat sarg

>>40658229
>>40658239

I would probably do some sort of "Letters from the Front" format where Average Guardsmen gets sent to a new unit and is writing home letters about his first day, meeting everyone, missions gone on, spending downtime etc.

That way I could do a series of short vignettes which I'm honestly better at, and not overload it by trying to fit all the characters in at once.

Also, foreshadowing, reveals, etc. etc.

>>40658135
The hive tyrant is a product of the norn queens try to add Dog into the DNA sequence... seems mans best friend isn't as easy to get out of something as the hivemind thought

Sooo... where is the drawfaggotry?

>>40658309
>what is patience

>>40648247
So.. fellow private... what are you doing tonight after drills?

Got a few moments to hear the good news about the Greater Wood?

Day 001:
So that's it then, after most of my regiment died (Elysians holding the line in the plains, gotta love command with all their common sense) I've been reassigned to some bumfuck regiment in the ass end of nowhere. Not a bad place to be,really. Better than being snatched up by the inquisition. So I go down the ramp of the dropship and got greeted by a senile commissar (they made commissars that old?) and an NCO that smelled of alchohol and sleep deprivation. Glorious, seems like I can finally slack off... for the emperor of course. After getting in some weird-ass chimera that made Leman Russ sounds and...wait for it... somehow made faces at you, we enteres the base zone. Now I've fought all manner of xenos all across the galaxy so I pretty much surprised to spot almost all of them in the base. Guess that livid Seargent wasn't such a paranoid after all. Then this Eldar girl walked up to me and introduced herself as "Bob Human" while trying her damn best to do what her impression of a human greeting was like. It was cute to be honest, so I gave her a pat on the head. The commissar called for the regiment to form up and introduced me to them. A hive tyrant, flayed one, a couple of orks(snipers among their ranks too, surprisingly), a Dark Eldar Kabalist who everyone called Krieger,and finally some bloody gue'vasa and a Tau Earth Caste moonlighting as an Enginseer. Surprising, but nobody was shooting at me so that's a plus. The Commissar fell asleep mid introduction and Sarge drunk himself silly. I decided to drag sarge to the base' watering hole. Then I decided to get drunk as well. Overall another productive day dedicated to the emperor of mankind. Thank the Emperor and pass the whiskey.

>>40658414
All in a day's work for guardsmen of aprior

>>40658414
I imagine the earth caste to be a sour faced jerk who spends his time cursing at the state of the engines, spends half his time converting spare parts into a distillery (when the Commissar complains he explains that it's homemade engine degreaser). He spends most of the time telling the Gue'Vesa that he is an idiot.

>>40658313
This is the internet. An hour without equals a week inside!

Day 002:
Usually waking up in bed beside a pretty woman is a wonderful experience, especially if you wake up in a particularly tasteful bordello. This time however, involved a good bit of rope and a Dark Eldar referred to as a Krieger on account of her tight leather gasmask. She doesn't wear much else really, except for those leather belts that make her look like a 13-year old with brain problems. Anyway she was spouting some nonsense about "curiosity" and "cultural exploration". So I manned the fuck up and called for sarge. As funny as it was too see Sarge burst through the barrack window and beat the crap out of a Kabalist, breakfast awaited, so I left them to their fun time(Darge being kind enough to free me before the aforementioned ass beating). "Bob Human"(Oh Emperor she's really trying her damndest to act human, it's almost felinids chasing laser dots tier cute) decided to regale me with stories of her "humanness". Honestly I think the Hive Tyrant would have made a better breakfast conversation. I went to the range today, gotta keep my skills up and all. And to my surprise, the Ork snipers were there too. As good a shot as I was I... lost to them in points. I decided to get a bit of whiskey in me after that. The shock of an ork beating me in the range was strong. Sauntering over to the garage, I was assaulted by the gue'vasa trying to convert me to the greater good. Emperor knows they're just as annoying as those Emperor Botherer's in the priesthood. I asked them if they had ever been to a bordello. They said no, poor lads. I'll have to make a note to educate them in real life's greater goods. The Earth Caste tried to sell me a pulse rifle. I told him...her? Bloody tau and their forehead vaginas, to make it look like an Imperial Plasma gun, for aesthetic reasons. S/he bought it and needless to say I'll have a new gun in a few days. There's a mission briefing tomorrow and sarge told me to turn in early. So I'll be doing just that.

This is the best thread i may have ever read... I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

>>40658067
really?

>>40658627
>>40658414
He sounds surprisingly casual about all this.

>>40658752
The most important lesson you can learn from the Imperial Guard is when shit gets weird, just roll with it and hope nobody shoots you for it, apparently.

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>>40657419
>>40657483
>>40658219
>>40658309
>>40658313
>>40658517

I am deeply sorry if I don't do this thread justice /tg/ I must admit I am lost as to who does what

I just hope the file is large enough so people can read the text.

>>40658823
10/10

>>40658823
Yeah, it got a bit too much. I for one would vote against the possessed chimera wanting to fly for some reason.

But still, great work.

>>40658823
10/10

Breddy gud.

I like the idea that the general in charge of the army is a greenskin grot who doesn't know why people listen to him, and just tries to keep hidden so nobody notices him too much.

"General! The enemy is advancing! You've been in the latrines for 10 hours, should we fetch the medic?"

"Sir, I've compiled a report on the... where is the general? Is he hiding under his desk again? Anxious fellow, that one..."

Also, the straight man sergeant has a bionic arm that is possessed by chaos and tries to strangle him whenever he gets close to exposing another member of his squad.

>>40648462
He was pretty good with that hammer, though. Brave as anything. I swear, the commissar was going to shoot him for charging without orders again.

>>40658823
Dude, you're fucking awesome.

>>40658949
That bionic arm might be a little too much. I like the idea that the sergeant tries to expose the other members of the squad but nobody believes him, then at some point he just gives up and rolls with it.

>>40654841
A CHALLENGE WORTHY OF MY SKILLS

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>>40649830

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>>40655950
>>40655922

>>40658485
Nah, man, his job is to take care of the Demonic Chimera. He refuses to believe it's possessed, and argues with the Chimera about it.

>>40658949
No, the whole point of the Sergeant is that he's the straight man, ie the one normal dude just trying to keep this mess from exploding in his face (literally).

>>40659201
No
NoNoNoNo

Back into your cage.

>>40659201
AND WE HAVE OUR REOCCURING VILLAIN!

>>40659302
She's the one single entity in the entire galaxy hated ubiquitously enough to be a recurring target of hate by the Monstrous brigade.

>>40659332
They're the Monstrous Regiment.

>>40658823
I LOVE YOU!

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I'm glad I don't get /tg/'s attempts at humor.

>>40659219
>Commissar, i have evidence that the medic is a chaos worshipper. I discovered it as I was recuperating from my arm surgery.
>Well then, I trust you have evidence
>Yes sir, I have--grrrrkk *choke*
>Well, speak up man!
>It's.... choking... me....
>Enough of your clowninh around. If you keep making these wild allegations I'll bust you down to private so fast... now go clean the latrines!

>>40659612
Except the Commissar is a) A traitor marine, and b) Crazy, as well as c) A crazy traitor marine.

The only person he could report to that would care would be the Inquisitor, who already knows.

>>40659640
Comissar being a traitor marine is really excessive. let's just stick to either crazy or old+blind as fuck and senile.

>>40655658
Make her the daughter! And Hylians abhumans (or maybe eldar half-breeds) This could be a nice joke side-quest for a rogue trader game.

>>40655658
I... MY god. Underrated.

>>40659512
The humor comes from the juxtaposition of several races that are unmistakably nonhuman trying to masquerade in the positions of humans.

I'm a bit late to the thread, really enjoyed it though, despite becoming super over the top. Too many aliens and not enough humans to react to them would be my one complaint.

My own suggestion for the cogboys overseeing the platoon would have been a regular human with no idea how to preform basic repairs, probably a con escaped from a prison world. AND a Jokaero that he passes off as a servitor and does all the actual work.

>>40659764
I'm voting for blind (maybe his bionic eye broke and he didn't realized it) and senile too.

>>40659880
>Too many aliens and not enough humans to react to them would be my one complaint.
I understand that complain. But many more humans would it make impossible for them not pointing out the obvious and just killing all the heretics.

>>40649866

will someone cap this post, I need it for reasons

>>40659879
More simply, it's humorous because things aren't as they're supposed to be which causes comedic events.

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>>40659972
?

>>40659880
> Too over the top.

> Adds Jokaero

I'm having trouble reconciling the two positions in your post there.

>>40659961


> That's the joke.

It's like Paranoia, where you're ALL traitors.

Except the Sergeant, despite being the only actual Guardsman, is really the only traitor since the others are SPIES!

>>40659612
>I can't clean the latrines... the general is still occupying them

>>40655555
11/10
would watch/play

>>40660037
The entire army is made up of traitors and spies because there are so many it would be easier to stick them together and let them kill themselves off than to actually purge them all. The sergeant got reassigned there because of a bureaucratic mixup. He was actually supposed to be promoted to captain, and the chaos worshipper who got the position he should have had is the recurring villain.

>>40659332
A question. I do not play 40K and mostly just hang out at the peripheral of the fandom because the lore is interesting.

But...why is Cultist-chan hated? Is it just that she's perpetually happy and that's not Grimdark enough, or...?

I swear on my life I'm not attempting to troll and I really want an explanation, because she doesn't come up enough here for "lurk more" to work and 1d4chan doesn't explain why she's hated. If anything she seems well-liked.

>>40660123
/tg/ is 200% tsundere

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>>40660123
It's Cultist-Chan. She's supposed to not get along well with people. Even one of the first pieces of drawfaggotry she was in had her not getting invited to a 40k slumber party, and Dranon finds her annoying. I think for a long time her only friend was that one Chaos Spawn.

Besides that, I think she's started to become an old hat. /tg/ likes making things, but they also like to let them go once people have moved on enough and don't really enjoy having them brought up again.

>>40660150
I can buy that. Thanks for the quick response, Anon.

>>40660123
I think she is a bit overused in threads like this. Some guy brings her in warhammer fun threads all the time.

>>40660037
It's too late to go back from the levels we have chosen. That combination would replace the earth caste that I think is going to be forgotten anyways. The con would be an outlet that the Sargent can talk too about what happening and completely understands what's happening but had the attitude of can't help you, if they're found out I'll go back to jail.

Also a man and his monkey comedy, what's not to enjoy

>>40660123
>why is Cultist-chan hated
because like most things /tg/ makes, it's been ground into the fucking dirt

You used to not be able to go into any threads without some autist trying to type in that accent.

>>40660121
The Commissar is the one responsible for it all, as part of his master plan.

That he forgot, but he's sure he had some sort of plan going on.

Ideally, nobody would ever know if he's actually even a traitor marine, or just batshit crazy he switches the story up so often.

Still, kills fewer actual guardsmen than most Commissars, so they give him a pass on it.

The general idea is that there's so much plotting that they screw each other over, resulting in a win for the Imperium.

The Inquisitor, seeing this, lets them do their thing with occasional discrete sniper support if needed, usually to keep their secret. They're actually all very competent in their own way, so this serves the secondary purpose of keeping them from dispersing into the Imperium at large.

See >>40656052 for an example of how this would work.

We need to get the first issue of this out

>>40660017

thank you anon
this is going in my reaction pic folder

>>40648247
>Pvt. Human
>Not Pvt. Hugh Mann

>>40660251

I kind of like the idea of having the Tau, despite being a filthy Xenos, being the only sane man around for the Sergeant to talk to. Except for the fact that he both refuses to believe in Chaos and that the Chimera is possessed, and is a filthy Xenos.

The reason it's so funny is that the Sergeant DOESN'T have anyone to talk to. Even Sgt. Meatbag's platoon of otherwise normal troopers don't see anything wrong, and just reprimand him gently for being mean to the other guys just because they're different. The worlds a big place, you know?

It's a "The Only Sane Man" joke, and it only gets funnier the crazier Sergeant gets. That's why you play it up, where he goes to see the mechanic and has a conversation about the other guys and is so relieved to find someone who FINALLY believes him . . . .

and it's a Xenos. Who isn't even hiding it, but says that he got captured and somehow ended up taking care of this Chimera that everyone else is afraid of for some reason.

Then the Chimera chimes in that he WILL REND THE FLESH FROM HIS BONES if he leaves his treads jammed, and that once his treads are jammed he WILL STILL REND THE FLESH FROM THE BONES OF THE FOOLISH UNBELIEVER.

And the Tau just shakes his head and makes a comment about the funny UI they have in the Imperium, so bloodthirsty, while the Sergeant is thrown even deeper into the depths of despair for the brief ray of hope.

Besides, the Inquisitor already fills the role of "Other guy who knows" but he'll mention something to the Sergeant about the Xenos and then immediately deny saying it, gaslighting the fuck out of him, so that he can deny it if it blows up in his face somehow. Once again, the Sergeant goes even crazier.

See, it's not "Xenos adventures in the roles of Imperial Guardsmen" it's "Watch this man go mad, despite being the only one who isn't crazy" while everyone else just kind of rolls with it.

It's a pretty common theme, actually.

>>40648247

I'm all for creating eldar-looking abhumans so the whiners can still have their waifu after the disgusting Xenos are purged.

>>40660408
Imperium. The Imperium is a big place, not the world.

Yeesh. But yeah, people from other planets are different, do be so judgemental!

>>40654979
>Space marines have arrived
>Finally, which chapter?
>They go by the name the Emperor's Children
>Truly they must be among the most dedicated followers of the Emperor even among the Adeptus Astartes.

ITT: Imperial Guard regiment where everybody is long sighted. They are one of the most effective sniper regiments in the guard.

>>40660441
Regiment makeup
>10% Ork Kommandos
>15% Eldar
>30% Mutated Chaos worshipers
>100% loyal

>>40660416
> Not just purging the Whiners

Anon, do you even Praise the Emperor? Is there something WRONG with the Divine human form that you somehow think the Eldar have improved on, that we should allow their filth to guide our holy Image in His Form?

That sounds like closet Heresy to me.

>>40660408
I've always seen the Eldar, excuse me, I mean Bob Human as the sane person to talk to. They both talk about those obvious Xenos until the Sergeant meantions she's a Xeno as well and she suddenly tries to appear as monkeigh-y as possible, failling horrible at it.

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>>40659332

>CATCH THAT CULTIST-chan NOW!

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>>40660236
Really? I rarely see her anywhere, but then again I rarely check the general warhammer threads anymore.

I miss Commissar Raege.

>>40660618
> I miss Commissar Raege.

Me too. I wish I were back then when /tg/ started.

>>40648333
>>40653132
Is Guardsman officer rank indicated by hat size?

>>40660618
Nice one

>>40660672
No, that's just how you tell the difference between a commissar and a commissar-lord.

>>40660408
I get what you're saying but it implies he'd even sink down to opening up to a xenos. I enjoy the contrast it opens up to have a human PEER in the same situation and respond in the exact opposite manner, just relax and go with the flow. The inquisitor is in it for the imperium and not someone you can approach, the commissar is either senile or has chaos connections, but the con is the man in it just to keep living semi-happily.

The pressure release that lets the Sargent calm down, maybe even start thinking the con is right. But then he sees how the con flirts with the eldar, oils up a demon engine, has learned all the right places to scratch on a hive tyrant; and it's heresy he can't come to terms with and falls slowly back into full on panic modes

>>40655555
Penta

Sounds like a really fun Only war campaign, or dark heresy

We haven't nailed down a tech-priest for the regiment yet.

I recommend a Squat standing on another Squat's shoulders.

>>40660408
Nah. The Tau should drive the Sergeant nuts by coming from some sort of reverse gue'vesa world, where the local Tau have been converted to worship of the Emperor and are all convinced they're just some sort of abhuman.

>>40660813

Well, I guess we could have a tech-priest that's human but more tolerant of heretics than normal. Tech priests are weird enough that it wouldn't break his isolation anyways, but at least it would be a HUMAN weirdness.

>>40660973

Oooooh, that's even better.

>>40656740
>>40656894
>>40657016
>>40657248
BEST POST COMPILATION of this thread

>>40661023
was going to cap pieces of it, thanks anon

bump

>>40661023

My personal favourites are

>>40656534
>>40656782

Mostly because I know a lot of Doctors and Nurses that would love to actually be like this. Well, a few at least.

Yes, I wrote them myself. I am that cocky.

>>40661090
We have reached bump limit.

>>40661097
I want to see a write-up of the Bloodletter trying to do a physical for the Flayed One.

>>40661185
Okay, I'll do it after I sleep. I'm probably going to do a bunch of it for this, actually.

Be prepared for me ripping off Monty Pythons "The Black Knight" though.

>>40659879
>>40660001
I see what is supposed to be funny. I can't see how someone might take this shit as "humorous".

>>40661273
It's the same concept as the Chicken Boo segments of Animaniacs.

Or Sir Bearington from a much-reposted /tg/ story.

If you don't think it's funny, well, you might want to see a neurologist before you start to lose even more brain functions.

>>40661385
Its funny when used sparingly.

>>40661102
fuck

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>>40660408

What should the sitcom be called?

"Hogan's Heretics"
"Two and a Half Xenos"
"The Fresh Prince of Biel-tan"
"Saved by the Las"
"Everybody Loves Leman Russ"

>>40662231
Da Mon'strous Reg'ment

>>40662231
Monstrous Brigade

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>>40660408

"What's up Commander Doug"
"You're a Fuckin Xeno Skeeter!"

>>40662734
>doug-cartoon-hidden-messages-theories-3.jpg
Okay, I don't see anything.

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>>40652798

>>40661385
Even Bearington lacks any shred of humor, and Chickenboo's main humor came from how it chose to parody different films.

>>40659201
Nope. Fucking DROPPED.

>>40660123
Hwell her whoole schtick eez thaat she thalks like theese ahll the thime, and she kahptoors things fhor Kayoss. And literally nothing else, the grating speach impediment's supposed to be "cute" and "endearing" apparently.

>>40665245
for a moment i thought you were writing dutch.
I need some sleep.