Right, this dugout looks like it'll do.Now, I know what you're all thinking. 'Commissar, why did you shoot Private Bob?'Well, two reasons. The first is that I discovered he was a traitor through sources I can't name, and the second is that he drank my single-malt!Anyway, since we're here, deep into Ork territory and completely detached from the rest of the invasion force...How about a Field Kit Inspection?!
>>40617073All I got is a dragon dildoToo bad we're not fighting Slaaneshi forces
>>40617073Well sir we're out of krak missiles so any anti-armor has to be done via las cannon and Dragon Dildo.
>>40617091Private Anon, I'm pretty sure that any slaaneshi cultist would just bounce on that thing and cut your throat while doing it.Maybe the Orks have left some choppas somewhere around here...
>>40617109We can always throw our dead at them, if everything else fails.If we're lucky, we can go back and find Private Bob later. I'm sure the Munitorium cooks can make a curry or something out of him...
>>40617114Well, I found the head of a choppa. Maybe I can attach it to the head of my dildo
>>40617143Good thinking, Private!If we get back alive, I'll be sure to find you a billet that isn't thigh-deep in shit.
>>40617073I've still got the plasma gun and a few hydrogen flasks. What I do NOT have, however, is any remaining functioning hands. Anyone want to take up the gun in my stead?
>>40617240Even in death you lot are useless...Why did you come without your hands, Private?!
>>40617073Got my primer right here, sir. That empty box is still empty. Sir, is this a good time to mention that I have a non-standard entrenching tool? Mine doesn't fold like the others. The quartermaster said it was ok, but now I'm scared. Does this make me a heretic?
>>40617073Well, I have no ammo left, my helmet was lost in the last attack and as far as I know is being worn by an Ork, my armor has 3 slugga rounds stuck in it, and I may have internal bleeding. So doing alright I guess.
Sir, Pvt. Jubblowski seems to have misplaced her flak vest and jacket again.
Commissar, I have a problem. My commanding officers seems to think I am some monster, and took my knife away. How can I fight orks unarmed?
>>40617073Sir, privates Anderson and Marshall are arguing over which edition was better again
>>40617326You've got tentacles, son. The best you can hope for is to be shot by the Orks before you're shot by me. I warned you not to masturbate while we're in the Warp.
>>40617301I believe it does. *BLAM*If your entrenching tools are not standard Guard-issue, you are Heretics. The Emperor's light only encompasses those with Guard-standard entrenching tools!>>40617311At last! Someone who doesn't complain! What's your name, Private?>>40617320Private, you appear to be wearing them...>>40617326With a dragon dildo, apparently...
I didn't masturbate! I just went to the airlock, to see where we are going. It was pretty, let me tell ya.
>>40617378Private Clift sir, could I have another lasgun? Mine seems to be growing a face.
>>40617342Which edition? Clarify, Guardsman!Does your entrenching tool fold?!
>>40617417It used to before I stuck it in an Ork's face. Could I get another?
>>40617415>>40617425We are deep into the rectum of the Ork horde. I'm not a requisitions officer, I don't carry around extra weapons!
>>40617442Well then I guess I'll be using my lasgun with a face, which is now chanting all sorts of horrible things, and a broken shovel to fight off Orks. Can't be that bad can it?
>>40617073Sir, there's a dismembered Ork arm here, and it's still trying to pummel me to death. Should I be concerned by this?>>40617442Perhaps he could have the non-standard one as a temporary replacement. I don't think that other guy will be needing it anymore.
>>40617073Sir, I figured out a way to beat the orks! It's genius, just wait until you hear it!
Um, mistir commissar, I found dis yellow lasgun thing, what should I do with it?
>>40617451Look at it this way, Clift, can't be any worse than that skirmish on Abraxas IV with the rat things and the sentient mud.
>>40617451Hmm, better drop the lasgun. You can just beat the enemy with your helmet instead.And get that entrenching tool foldable quickly. Only heretics and monsters carry entrenching tools that don't fold.
>>40617475Mine doesn't fold...
>>40617475But sir, an Ork has my helmet, I said earlier.I don't have a combat knife either, all I have is my broken shovel. I'd like to fold it, but there is too much Ork blood in the mechanism.
>>40617456For Throne's sake, Captain! Didn't your mother ever tell you that if a dismembered ork arm hits you, you hit it back?!>>40617458Shut up, Lemming...
>>40617504Here Clift, you can have my helmet and knife. I've got this promethium lance, so I'll be fine.
>>40617504Ork blood... Can I lick it? Just a little taste?
>>40617524Well, I seem to be sorted then. What's our next move Commissar?
>>40617501I'm still wondering why I haven't shot you yet, Hal...Maybe you're just so terrifyingly incompetent that even Daemons won't possess you...>>40617504Then take off your flak vest and beat the enemy with that!
Sir! Sir! Emergency! That last meltabomb hit the recaf crate!
>>40617535I'm not sure, better run it past the Commissar. >>40617542Can Guardsman Lemming lick the Ork blood off my shovel without being a heretic sir?
>>40617555Right! The Imperial Primer states that in this event the best thing to do is to put as many bodies as you can between the detonation and your commanding officer!Everyone, move in front of me!
>>40617510Sir, should I consider that a field promotion?
>>40617560Your shovel doesn't fold, holding it for too long makes you a heretic.
>>40617542Actually, every daemon I have seen seems to either shun me or immediately attempt to shove a sharp object in my stomach. Shame, really. They have nice teeth. I think they'd be nice company if they'd talk... No possession as far as I know anyways.
Orks? At least the nids made good eating. Nowadays we actually have to eat field rations.Euch.Also any word on that Leman Russ?
>>40617581As long as you pick up that Ork arm and prove to it that you're worthy!
>>40617582What if I threw my shovel at the meltabomb?It could work, maybe. Probably not but maybe.
shhh... whats that noise? sounds like.. like..
>>40617560That's Gibbers, Cleft. I'm Lemming.>>40617592It won't work. Unless... THAT'S IT! WE MUST LAUNCH THE SHOVEL WITH A CATAPULT!
>>40617591Oi boss ders sum Orks charging us shud we krump 'em?
>>40617592As long as it folds.If the shovel folds, it has the blessings of both the mechanicum and the Emperor.I don't make the rules, I merely enforce them.
>>40617597Is it the sound of a Leman Russ? Did the requisition finally come through! After the bakery incident we really need heavy firepower in this legion
>>40617590Yes. The crew ran away and the Orks stole it.>>40617591I won the fight, sir, but it seems to have torn off my arm. Permission to replace my old arm with the greenskin's, sir?
>>40617613CRUMP THEM! CRUMP THEM WITH THE EMPEROR'S MIGHT!MAKE EVERY SEVERED ORK ARM COUNT!
>>40617610What do we make the catapult from?All we have are shovels
>>40617616Know it'snot an lemon ruff it's dem nasty Orks charging us
>>40617618Permission granted! Out here, we can't afford to be too picky about what colour our surrogate arms are...
sir? can we take a break... have some tea? a lil cake too?
>>40617624Ah, but with some vines, these shovels, and the Commissar's hat, we can make a SHOVEL CATAPULT!
>>40617623Alroit boss! *KRUMP* for da Warboss Emperor!
>>40617639Sounds like it could work.>>40617623Permission to use the Commissar's hat to save the platoon sir?
>>40617626Right so we countercharge them!FOR THE EMPEROR!
>>40617639Taking a Commissar's hat is worse than having a non-foldable shovel, and ALMOST as bad as taking a Commissar's Single-Malt!Its punishable by death.
And my left hand, these tentacles don't really feel pain. It's a pity, though... I liked my normal hands and its nails more.
Hey guys, how does every Commissar joke start?By looking over your shoulder!
>>40617658Meant to reply to Lemming...
*Picks up non-foldable shovel and gives it to the Orks* Look boss da Orks are being xenos AND hair-tics *continues krumping*
Well chaps, here is the plan. We need shovels, vines, my broken shovel, a lasgun charge pack, and a real good attitude.With all these, we can save the platoon from a melta bomb. Are we all in?
>>40617679Good work, Sergeant!I daresay you're the most competent man this platoon has...
Sorry I am late Commissar, I took it upon me to do the regiments paperwork considering the last events and I am not even done.http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Campaign:Penal_regiment_designation_/tg/
>>40617650>>40617658>>40617665>>40617639>>40617693OK you mangy grots stop making about and get ta smashing!
>>40617680I'm a captain now, so I might be able to requisition a hat to use instead of the commissar's.>>40617651Sir, do we have any spare officer's fancy hats available?
Sir, permission to improvise with the coconut shells from the last supply drop, sir? That other private still has my flak armour and jacket...
>>40617692Fank you Boss!
>>40617692C'mon Commissar, it's obvious that the Sergeant is an ork!>>40617716You're an ork!
>>40617700Okay, sarge! *grabs an or and bites its neck with minimal effect*
>>40617693I do not have a drinking problem! I can stop any time I want!
>>40617692Sir, I'd actually like to talk to you about the sergeant. He's acting rather suspicious. I think he may be a cleverly disguised Eldar spy.>>40617720Now that's just silly. An ork could could never disguise itself that cleverly.
>>40617754Captain. He has green skin, tusks, and speaks like an ork.I don't think he's an eldar, mate.
>>40617720Hair-tic! Commissar krump this buffoon!
>>40617709Rectum of the Ork Horde, Captain, what do you think?>>40617715Permission denied! Coconut shells are...not...uh, sanctioned by the divine light of the Astronomicon!You don't want your breasts turning into abominations...>>40617720This means an Ork is more competent than you. Maybe you should go to your billet and think about those implications!
>>40617754>>40617769The seargent is the best damn counter charger we have and you will respect that.
>>40617777Ah, but Commisar, if an Ork is more competent than the rest of your troops what does that mean?Does it not mean that you're a terrible Commisar?Here, have a drink.
>>40617777Not to impl- imp- say dat I am an Ork ay Boss?
>>40617769Are you zoggin about? Da Sarge iz upstandin' an' loyal an' not a Kommando pretendin' to be a humie.
>>40617792That, or it means I was landed with a terrible command.I don't deserve this kind of treatment!Its all because of the blasted Mars incident! I tried telling them. Those ancient relics were just RESTING in my account...
>>40617769Just because he has green skin, tusks, and an orkish way of speaking doesn't mean he's an ork. I've got pointy ears and latent psychic potential, but that doesn't mean I'm an eldar agent.
>>40617812Oh yeah the Mars incident.Commissar, did you know that some mechanicus interns have yet to discard the "pleasures of the flesh".Thanks to the ruckus you made, I got some sweet intern love.Thanks Commissar!
>>40617810BUT YOU'RE AN ORK TOO! >>40617808YOU'RE BOTH ORKS, YOU'RE IN IT TOGETHER!>>40617812Now now, Commissar. It wasn't your fault. I mean, now you have to deal with the likes of Gibbers and Lemming, and Orks in disguise, and hopefully kill yourself from the madness, but it's not ENTIRELY your fault.>>40617828BUT YOU ARE AN ELDAR AGENT! You called me a mon-keigh once! WE'RE SURROUNDED BY XENOS INFILTRATORS, CAN'T YOU FOOL SEE?
>>40617828'Ow many capptain-nobz does this platoon have anyway?
*Is taken away by the Ork as "da weirdezt zoggin' humie i'z eva seen in me entire zoggin' orky life"* HEEEELP!!!
>>40617834>>40617836We do NOT talk about the Mars incident. It never happened, alright?
>>40617836Roight days it oiv had enuff ov your insubi- insubor- arguing *KRUMP*
Nyan nyan Nyaaaa nyon mew ! ( Red Dots- I mean lasguns- and scratchy armor all and accounted for sir!)
>>40617860OW! HE HIT ME, THE ORK HIT ME! Blam him, Commie old boy! BLAM HIM TO HELL!>>40617864You... Are a cat?
>>40617864GUH!What in the Emperor's name-?!
>>40617840Oh well we have the eldar infiltrator over there, but we keep him because he does the paperwork.
>>40617873You.. KNEW? This regiment has gone to hell.
>>40617870I think I've tolerated your incompetence for just about long enough!*BLAM*
>>40617872Nya nya nyon nyan nihao nya ! (Brigadier Company Commander Nyhaonyan , Carlos Mconnel 5th Regiment sir!)
>>40617864Who's the funny looking Gyrinx?>>40617882We're all about to be killed by Orks anyway, so honestly I think we should just try to get along.
>>40617887JAMES!You... You just killed my brother sir.
>>40617882Shaddup! The Nobs and bosses are ordering you mangy grots about not da over way round! We all know about pansy Elf-boy but I don't no 'bout no Ork
>>40617882Do you want to interact with the administratum private!I sure as hell do not.Hence we keep Cpt. Notaneldar.He's like, the regimental pet.We also use him to pick up drunk chicks.
Commi-boss da Orks are back! Now where is dat splody-melty-thingy you boys are muking about with...
How much of you has to be made of bandages before you're heretical, sarge?
>>40617941We've stuck it onto one of the chimeras as a bumper.
*Is being taken to the ork controlled side of the battlefield and the ork carrying him disappears to the green tide* IDONTWANNADIEE!!!....
>>40617777>You don't want your breasts turning into abominations...They already count as weapons of mass distraction, sir.
>>40617977GIBBERS!...I will not lose another man today. >charges with Promethium Lance into the midst of the Orks, chasing after Gibbers>uses lance to pole vault over the orks
*Rips meltabomb of the chimera along with 10% of the chimera chucks into the Ork horde and goes after gibbers*
>>40617935Wait, I thought Guardsman Lemming was the regimental pet.>>40618002Not for long, I suppose.
Hello friends! I am glad to being of seeings you again. Well... Most of you. Is lucky we are stationed on same planet again, yes?
>>40618014>>40618002*And also lemming*
>>40617973Bossman, can I get an answer here?Everyone seems to be running off one by one.
>>40618024>>40618028>>40618039IF ANY OF YOU MAGGOTS WANT TO CALL YOURSELVES PROUD GUARDSMEN, YOU WILL FIGHT THESE GREENSKINS!
>>40618039Well I'd say that if your organs are made up of bandages, then you're probably heretical.
*KRUMPS through the Ork horde and joins Lemming*ALROIT YOU MANGY GROT WOT NOW
>>40618041I don't want to call myself that at all. I just do the paperwork and write my book on human psychology.
>>40618054Are you going to shoot me if they are?Cus, they're totally not.
>>40618028Hey there ! Too bad there aren't any nids to roast huh.
>>40618055NOW, SERGEANT, WE CHARGE THROUGH THEM, WE RESCUE LEMMING, I SET OFF MY PROMETHIUM LANCE, AND HIT IT ON THE GROUND JUST RIGHT TO SEND US ROCKETING BACK TO THE DUGOUT. NOW LET'S MOVE OUT.>chargesDAMMIT GIBBERS GET BACK HERE!
OI YOUGiven me back dat strange humie wiff da wriggly arm!
>>40618028Hallo, kamerad. I am trying of Vostroyan language. Is good, da?>>40618041ALRIGHT I'M GONNA SHOW YOU FIREPOWER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
>>40618068Meow, we have our paperwork done by eldar infiltrators and out best melee specialists are orcs. Unless you go on like that chaos chick who fellated drill bits I am not going to shoot you. Now get in here and help transplant this Taurox cannon over this here chimera.
>>40617891Ah! The most interesting man in the universe!>>40617911His shovel wasn't foldable, he was a heretic.>>40618039You can have as many bandages as you like, just as long as they are sanctioned by the Munitorium first. Do you think you can keep from bleeding out until we get back?>>40618041Someone remind me to send the Munitorium cooks out to find Lemming later. The ship will need fuel for the next warp-jump.
>>40618070GODDAMNIT LEMMING WHY DO YOU LOVE THAT LANCE>starts shooting his plasma gunSERIOUSLY WHAT MAKES YOU LOVE MELEE
>>40618091Do you have any bandages, then?I kind of need to tie my arm back together so I can tie my leg back on before I can help you, and mine are too soaked with what I think is my own blood to do it.
>>40618091I AM NOT AN ORK>>40618070Roight then let's get dat zoggin wriggles
>>40618103Oh, sure. I won't bleed out. I'd need to have blood left in me to bleed out.
>>40618105THE END EXPLODES, ROCCO! THEY EXPLODE! WHAT'S BETTER THAN EXPLOSIONS!>>40618117Alright, I think I see him! You're faster than me, get him and bring him back here!
>>40618113I've got a couple of towels. Will those work?
Commissar Sir, Field Kit ready for inspection at your leisure, Commissar Sir!
*Smashes da Ork with Gibbers*I've got wriggles! Get your shooty-stick ready Lemming!
>>40618125That's the most retarded sentence I've heard.Now, let's get back to Lemming.>>40618134EMPEROR FUCKING DAMNIT LEMMING DO YOU WANT TO END UP LIKE JOE
*Smashes the other Orks a bit*
>>40618143Those are fine for clotting my stomach. Need something finer to tie my wrist back to my forearm.
>>40617748Of course Commissar. Of course.
>>40618150IF IT MEANS WE DON'T LOSE ANOTHER MAN TODAY, YES!>>40618148ALRIGHT, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!>detonates the promethium lance, the explosion sending them flying back into the dugout>lands covered in burns, missing an eye and a legUghhhhh... I think it worked.
*finishes chimera with battle cannon*Alright, joyride time! Get in the back guardsmen we're driving in style today!
>>40618162Come on bruva! Let us crush deh enemeh! If we die today, ve die vith honor. But neigh! The enemeih vill die today!>>40618169FUCK YOU LET'S GET OUT OF HERE
>>40618169Actually, I think he might need them more.
>>40618028Hello, friend. I see your Moustache is still glorious.
>>40618177Alright! Let's get home, I'm starving for some beef.
>>40618162>>40618169>>40618180Get in the battle-cannon chimera lads. We're rollin back to base.
Don't be such a panzy Lemming deres moar Orks ta kill! Stop mucking about men and CHARGE
>>40618134Lemming, Emperor's sake! Controlled explosions! CONTROLLED!
*lost most of his teeth and left leg is broken* Fanksh Sharghe.... Lhemming... He hath nhaish teefth, hthough.
>>40618208It was controlled... Just less than usual.>>40618215No problem, Gibbers. Just doing... My job...
>>40618195Aw yeah! Come on, maybe the commisar will give us double the amasec today!
>>40618187>>40618195Your deluded of you think the Commissar will let us go back to base without at least one of us dying for the Emperor.
>>40618235Dat would be dat sneak James accu- saying I'm an Ork
Do we still have a medic, or was that idea scrapped with the budget overhauls?
>>40618226He's out of Amasec, shipment is on the way. Just don't drive him to despair before it arrives? Or we'll be blammed when he finds out.
>>40618235Well Ruh, it doesn't matter because I'm sure that the commissar would like to take the top hatch and cut orcs down. But he's back at the base so we need to pick him up.
>>40618226That Amasec in mine! Don't you lay an Emperor-damned finger on it!>>40618235Ruh is right. Who's going to stay? I think...Hal or Lemming, you can fight amongst yourselves, the survivor gets to come back in the Chimera.
>>40618244Yeah, sorry about that Sergeant. James always was an odd one.
>>40618249What do you need? Can't you just die for the Emperor in peace or something?
>>40618249You can have Guardsman James' uniform. Wrap it around your arm or whatever. Just stop your whining, I'm trying to fill out a requisition form.
>>40618254What are you talking about, you idiot?!I'm sitting opposite you!
>>40618262I don't think dying in piece is allowed around here. And I need, uh, well basically everything from the neck down, uh, replaced.
>>40618256Sir, are you really going to wait for Hal and Lemming to die before you sword things out of the top hatch of the bastard child of a taurox and a chimera. For shame.
>>40618256Isn't dat a waste of resources boss?>>40618258He is forgives in deff for Gork an- da Emporer!
>>40618265Hey, you're in charge of some paperwork too?
>>40618269I's good wiv butcherin'. Do yoo wanna new... somefink?
>>40618279Ruh, whatever you do, do NOT mention the Mars incident in the paperwork!
>>40618289On second thought, I'll wait for the paperwork to go through.
>>40618289Hey look over yonder!An orcish tank!Get in the Hatch sarge, we're going jousting today.
I fink dat if someome 'as to die for da Emporer it shud be privat meow for being a mutant and useless from da neck down
>>40618314I have a spare promethium lance.
>>40618314Now Dis is a propa fite!
>>40618323I'm certainly not a mutant, and I can still shoot my las pistol fine. Just, kindly angle me towards the green skins, would you?
>>40618296Of course, Commissar, I won't talk about that which must not be mentioned.
Commi-boss hasn't see anyfing for a whileDat expression is making me scared and I is as fearless as an Ork
>>40618330>>40618335Let's roll, hang on tight lads,we're going in deep!
>>40618314Dat's a Grot Tank! I's not gettin' in dat!
>>40618024Careful about all that talk of regimental pets. *winks at Cpt. Notaneldar*
>>40618330Give me dat>>40618385*hangs on to the side of the tank which is gathering speed straight towards the trukk wielding the lance*
>>40618402Use it well, Sergeant.
>>40618402*presses the accelerator hard willing the chimera-tank to go even faster*
>>40618402Why does this look so much like impending doom and injuries?
>>40617289With respect, Commissar, I don't think he had any choice in the matter.
>>40618446Ruh, believe in the bolted on armor plates and sandbags.
*throws the lance at the trukk when the chimera-chimera gets close enough and jumps off*
>>40618446Injuries? Dat sounds promisin'.
>>40618458TURN THE FRIGGING TANK!
*broadsides trukk with Taurox cannon and barrels along*Welp where to now?
>>40618446Becaz it is yah grotNow for the time CHARGE or I'll krump the lot of yah meself!
>>40618481Back to base. We need a medic.
I-i r-r-rea-l-l-ly w-w-wish th-they'd p-p-put sh-sh-shock abs-s-s-orbers on th-these th-things!
>>40618466We're already out of bandages because of Meow's consumption, and Cpt. Notaneldar can't keep track of the paperwork. Less injuries WOULD be helpful.
>>40618490No Lemming, you need common sense first and foremost but that's not for sale around here.
>>40618491Oh stop complaining, Jubblowski. I'm missing a limb, and you're moaning about shock absorbers!
>>40618494Heym the orks ruined most of the paperwork. I'm not to blame this time.
>>40618490Oh. Cool I guess?>>40618491Are you talkin 'bout muh tankmera? Well that's actually the forced on lascannon sponsons fucking with the weight distribution.
>>40618507I's able to replace dat for ya. I gots Jim'z arms roight 'ere!
>>40618514Well you'll never be like Joe, who could fill in paperwork with both his legs shot and then went on to die for the Emperor and off to Valhalla all shiny and chrome.
>>40618527James's arm? Sure! Did you happen to grab his left eye, too? I need a new one of those. Toss them here and I'll get them attached when we get back to base.
>>40618530That's right. I'll never be turned into a puddle of blood like Joe was.
>>40618536Nah. I fink Oi've dis. Jus' lie still.
>>40617132actually sir i have my own plans for that body
>>40618542I mean Wot Orks?
>>40618544Uhh Joe was vaporized along with most of the heavy explosives, a chimera, a plasma gun, and the melta I got from a krieger before mars.
>>40618548Sorry Kom. I want to do it myself. Honoring my brother and all that.
>>40618548I'm giving you a field promotion to Dok- I mean medic
>>40618552Ahh, a Martian spy.Tell me, now this is important for the unit.What do you think about jury rigged gear?
>>40618544*chokes up*Why do you have to... be so graphic. I... Joe was one of my best friends in this regiment. And his sacrifice means something. I... I...Ah fuck it.*takes a swig from a flask*
>>40618567Promotion! I's da best!>>40618565Too late! I's sterilizin' do wound wiv gutrot.
>>40618544Go fuck yourself Eldar scum.
>>40618578Yes, we all know his sacrifice means something. If we can find him, it means we get to eat actual meat tonight!
>>40617425hm perhaps there is a way to make the entrenching tools into a more efficient weapon
>>40618507I'm missing three. Could someone roll me over, please? It's pretty hard to shoot orks when you're face down.
>>40618578*takes a swig from the flask*Dude, I hate to break it to you, but explosives leave no blood puddle.
>>40618599Cpt. Notaneldar is an Eldar? So that means he's not human? *lewd look at Notaneldar* Owww yeah.>>40618602Listen, private Topbuttocks, tyrannids, fine, ork, fine, eat whatever you want, but not Joe.
>>40618618Wait, we're fighting orks? I thought we were fighting tyranids. Then again, the last time a psyker took a look at me, he started screaming about time melting, so it could just be that.
>>40618507I think she was referring to the way the rough terrain is making her, er, weapons of mass distraction bounce all over the place.... you sure it's just your arm you're missing, mate?
>>40618640Well how am I supposed to know? I'm mostly bandages holding bandages together anyway.
>>40618639Hmm? Yeah he's the regimental paperwork accomplisher and the regimental gets to go to boring arse meetings man.>>40618640If we were fighting nids you'd have a steak on your hands right now.
>>40618650Well then she should at least put on her flak jacket. And I got my arm replaced, remember?
>>40618654Look, I'll roll you over.*heaves Private Meow's mostly limbless body over, and props it up against the side of the trench*There. Now, I'll just put a few lasers into that bug over there...
>>40618664Don't pick da stitches.
>>40618573you can do whatever you want with your gear as long as that use has been throughly tested and approved my the adeptus mechanicus
>>40618667Ah, that's the stuff. >begins systematically blasting orks in the face with his las pistol
>>40618675I won't, Doc. Thanks, by the way.
>>40618664It's missing! It's not my fault my clothes keep disappearing! I swear it's like they're being nabbed on purpose.
>>40618684Oh cool, just holler if you need some help then.
>>40618659...huh. Guess I would.Look, it isn't my fault I got cursed by some chaos sorceror to be stuck seeing things that happened in the past. I didn't know he was allergic to peanuts!
>>40618700You're a woman in the middle of a penal battalion? *shakes head*Oh boy.
>>40618700Here, take mine. I don't need it anyway.
>>40618714Hey Topsburrow, how did you end up here anyway?
>>40618724...I didn't know that the Arbites who came to sort out the chaos sorceror incident was allergic to peanuts either.
>>40618715There's a Jubblowski in almost every battalion. We're a big family.And yes, they're a family trait.
>>40618732Why do you even offer peanuts to everyone?
>>40618715Ruh half the regument's female.They usually hang out on "their side of the base".
Alroit men until such a time da commi-boss stops being so drunk he can speak again I is da boss>>40618687Keep doing dat>>40618700Whoevar stole 'em give wossname her clothes back>>40618698Lemming get over here you're now my personal grot>>40618684Oi mek start sticking guns to dat burnaboyz battle-wagonDa rest of you get shooting
>>40618738...I like peanuts.
>>40618747Sure thing ork sarge. Keep shooting other orks, wilco.
>>40618735This is a penal battalion Jubblowski, and to send you here in the middle of us, you must have done something wrong. Aside from loosing your clothing.
>>40618747Sarge! Wot do I do wiv dis uvver arm?
>>40618743What seriously? Not that I care. Unless they have goats.
*walks into one of the walls of the trench*Does anyone happen to know of someone who can remove curses? Seriously. This is getting annoying. And somewhat painful.
>>40618766*mumblemutter* What does "conduct unbecoming" even mean, anyway...
>>40618781Yep, now help me with this heavy bolter.
>>40618766If it's public nudity, Johnson owes me a fiver.
>>40618785Well we HAD a psyker but then someone took his staff to unclog that toilet on the third floor that keeps clogging up and he got pissed and left.
>>40618790Jubblowski. Just take the flak jacket already.
>>40618554Sorry I am late guys, was busy revelling in the bodies of my fallen foes--I mean reading the primer. Who's in charge?
>>40618790It means you aren't helping lay down heavy ordnance. Heavy Boltera don't set up themselves you know.
>>40618790Oh, I don't know, things like getting with the wrong part of the battalion and then loosing your clothing "by accident".>>40618791*grabs heavy bolter with Stephen*You sure they have goats? Where do they keep them?
>>40618747Hang on, don't I outrank you?>>40618785Dunno. Is there a human equivalent to Spiritseers? I always used to see them when I got cursed.
>>40618804The sarge is pretty good in a charge.
>>40618794Fuck it. Someone steer me to a chapel the next time we've got something that might amount to leave. The walking and talking I can do fine, it's the whole "not walking into people, vehicles and other random stuff" thing that I can't do.
>>40618804The Commissar, but I think his new shipment of amasec arrived so he's a bit indisposed at the moment.
>>40618815Oh great, sure seems like we aren't harvesting skulls for a throne of some kind, who is that guy we die for? Starts with a K right? the Kemperorn?
>>40618793You! Wots your name>>40618791>>40618781Do as he says>>40618785Sit down and shoot those Orks! I'll get a wierdboy ta look at it wen we're done hereAnd someone wake up that commi-boss!
>>40618804I think the Ork's in command right now. Not the medic, the other one.
>>40618829*mutters while heaving the heavy bolter*I've got a bad feeling about this.
>>40618809Well, I saw some goats during the bakery incident, not sure if any eacaped the bakery.
>>40618829I'm trying not to die here, but I don't really think anyone's bothered by that. Do you have any bandages?
>>40618835Alright my bad feeling has just been confirmed.
>>40618835Dat's 'Dokta' to yoo, pointy ears.
>>40618838Nonsense fellow human! Obviously my red skin and horns are merely one of a myriad of birth defects that you pitiful fleshlings suffer while under the influences of the dark powers! You obviously have one too, those slightly darker spots you have along your cheeks! Clearly you are no different then I, right?Right?
>>40618834But I can't see any Orks, sir! I can see a hell of a lot of bugs, though.*starts shooting blindly into the battlefield, hitting the sum total of absolutely nothing of any importance whatsoever*
>>40618851>>40618847On second thought, tonight will be glorious and goaty.
>>40618835*THUMP* I IS NOT AN ORK!>>40618850Dokter look at the mutant cripple if ya would
>>40618864Still not a mutant. Just missing a few parts.
>>40618850Of course not, why would you want to STOP blood from flowing? Don't you want to venerate your god with your blood? All of the blood? Blood of the blood? Blood Blood Blood?"
>>40618864Agh, stop that! That's assaulting a superior officer!
>>40618857You know what, Private, this way.* Steadies the heavy bolter, grabs Thobsborough, turns him around in the direction of Malfeor the Blooddrinker*Shoot straight ahead.
>>40618850I's got worky bits if ya like. An' Jimz arm.
I ask the yellow king to give me a powerup to survive this shit, or to beam me away.
>>40618874Err, I suppose so that I don't die now. You know, so that I can, bleed more, like, in the future, maybe?
>>40618874Mostly, it's considered beneficial to have your blood inside you, rather than generally splattered about the place.
>>40618857Dat some the shooty>>40618858I don't care wot tinite il be an keep yer deviancy to yaself
>>40618877Heeey Sergeant totally not an ork, now you messed up his pretty face. I'm not sure I appreciate that.
>>40618891Are you the representation of the rage that overtakea the other half of the base during that time of the month?
>>40618885Thanks, Ruh.*opens fire, missing entirely. Again.*
Greetings noble guardsmen! On behalf of the Blood Raven chapter, I would like to offer a ceremonial exchange of arms. I do believe you have a an artificer dildo axe?
>>40618894Nonsense, you can't venerate Khor--I mean the emperor if your blood is inside you!
>>40618908Um.. you need to look down the sights, the one down the center of the gun...
>>40618911Do you have bandages? I still need some. And I'm scared our "doctor" is going to take parts out if me instead of put them in.
>>40618911Greetings, Astartes, may the Emperor bless you. I heard this guy go on about blood blood blood for quite a while. Also he has red skin and horns.*points at Malfeor*
>>40618911These boyz probably have 4 of just about anyfing between the lot of em
>>40618920Nah he's seeing you from the past. Psyker cursed him.
>>40618935Fucking chaos sorcerors... So, how about these bugs, eh?
>>40618927Nonsense! Jus' point at da bitz dat 'urt an' I'll fix 'em. I 'ope you like sharp needles.
>>40618928Uh oh, the fuzz *Runs out of the trench, only to get run over by a trukk, getting caught up in the wheel well, and causing it to veer off into a horde of orks with hilarious effect*
>>40618947Khorn sure has lowered his standards lately.
>>40618947Uh, has anyone seen my dragon dildo?
>>40618943*points at the ork horde*
>>40618960CAPTAIN NOTANELDAAAAAR? There's another pointy-ear person here.
>>40618960Ask the Space Marine err heretic?
>>40618975*Looks at Capt. Notaneldar*Frank what the hell are you doing? Seriously, that hat looks stupid, now where the hell is my dildo?!
I've always wondered how Isha's tits look like. Her being the only female god and all that.
Anyhuan gat sumfing ta fiks me teefth with? Oh... *Limps to ork corpse*
>>40618981Shhhh, brother Gabriel might have sto- I mean taken it for... purposes.
>>40618962Yoo seem to be 'avin' trouble pointin' proper kitty-man. Let's 'ave a look at yer 'ead.*Brandishes a bone-saw*
>>40619004Malfeor ain't seeing the sunshine after that space marine with a dildo sword's finished with him.
>>40619002Not volunteering! >shoots, with terrible aim, off in the distance
>>40619007I'm pretty sure Meow isn't a felinid. The felinid can't speak Low Gothic. Meow can speak Low Gothic just fine.
>>40618927Here guardsman! *sets down palette of tampons* we recently acquired these from an order of Soritas on Tiberius. I had it from a sister that they could stem Khorne's mightiest bloodtide
>>40619018Oh god damnit someone made it into a sword... Um.. Well I am sure absolutely nothing bad can happen... Enjoy the consequences.
>>40619007Those were the bits that hurt me.
>>40619024Jubblowski, you wouldn't happen to bean Eldar Goddess in disguise would you?Right?Ha ha?
Hey! Whats 0110101011010101001101011111000110110110101010 here?
>>40619045I wouldn't put it past her. Then again, I wouldn't put it past that chaos sorceror to have cursed me to be locked into a coma and hallucinate vividly for the rest of my life, so, you know, whatever.
>>40619045*shivs Meltaman on his way out*
*returns with astartes sized powered dildo stave* Behold how it catches the light! Now I believe someone said something about a Daemon?
>>40619045Dunno, I was talking with Notaneldar yesterday, apparently you'll can figure it out pretty easily. If you throw some disease at her and she dies, she ain't.
>>40619044*Saws off Meow's index finger*Dere we go. Dat little git won't you no more. Now let's 'ave a go at givin' you some limbs.
>>40619045Please. That would be silly.
>>40619066I'm not okay with this.
>>40619060Yes, Malfeor. He's stuck under a wheel over there. Do you mind lending me that dildo- stave later tonight? I have goats to attend to.
>>40619059*Shoots wound with low powered laspistol shot.**Passes out in pain*
*Chooses teeth from the ork corpse's mouth that are as close to his own size as he can find* Ahywhan nhou hau ta attach theshe?
>>40619063This talk is getting dangerously heretical. Just sayin'.
>>40618997What's wrong with my hat? Not spiky and poisoned enough for you? Go kidnap an Ork and turn it into a dildo or something. I'm not associating with you Kabalite crackheads.
>>40619074Alright, doc, let me take it over from here and get Meow back to basecamp where he can be operated upon properly rather than on a battlefield. *picks up private Meow, puts him in the back of a vehicle, and hands over some bandages*Seriously dude, HOW did you end up in a penal battalion instead of dying? Don't you ever die or something?
>>40619066Doctor, please stop dissecting the cat.
>>40619078Of course guardsman. *presents stave* Here, deal the killing blow while my thunder hawks begin the extraction of your regiment...starting with the airlift of your heavy vehicles and artillery.
>>40619114Well, they put me here after my previous commissar shot me. But I didn't really die, so they weren't sure what to do.
>>40619095Yoo wait nexta Steve. I'll be dere in a mo'.>>40619118An' I wuz jus' about to sew on Jimz arm. *sigh* Never mind. Itz manky now anyway.
>>40619124Muhahahaha I have the dildo-stave! *Looms over Malfeor, struggling under the wheel of the tank and kills him with a long, painful [censored][censoring] no seriously like [censored]*
>>40619124*danger senses tingling*Oh hell no, you are a thousand years too early to take my tankmera.>>40619098Even so Ish rolls off the tongue so much better than Jubblowski.
Can someone archive this thread? I don't know how to do it and I want to keep track of them. Still have to resume the first two threads on 1d4chan.
>>40619124Hyu goda Hlibrarian with you?
>>40619197...actually, yes, do you have anyone able to remove curses? I miss not being able to see what's going on in front of me.
>>40619137There are many otha' boys to operate on Dok like wriggels 'ere>>40619149Get in the battlewagon so they can't take it from yo
>>40619149*pulls aside* Tell me guardsman....how do you like the name, Brother Meltaman?
>>40619197Quite a few tentacle man. Are you a chaos spa- *chuckles* ah, nearly made a neophyte mistake there.
>>40619286Not so much uhh hazy outline of the human form.
Alroit boys im ordering a full evacuation of this area everyboy back ta base
Alphabet soup is my favorite color.
>>40619149It's an old and time-honoured Guard name! Surely you've heard of "Chesty" Jubblowski, who at the siege of Amarth XIV distracted the whole besieging force, letting the reinforcements surprise attack?
>>40619312Can Librarians remove curses? If so, does one have the time to see to this curse I got laid on me?*walks in the rough direction of the space marine, and bumps into him*Who was that?
>>40619331For once I agree with the greenskin.
>>40619356Come to my thunderhawk and we shall see if one of my librarians on Litany of Fury can aid you. Also, make yourself useful and carry that crate of tank shells to the cargo hold.
On a scale of 1 to 10, what's your favorite letter of the rainbow? Mine's sigma.
>>40619312Tell 'em to neher come near me, ok? I hath heard enouhh about my soul phrom 'em psykers.
>>40619357SHADDAP I IZ NOT AN ORK>>4061>>40619371Alroit everyboy Load UP
>>40619354Sure thing Ish whatever you say.
>>40619371Uh, with respect, sir, I think the rest of the legion needs me here. At least, some of them say that watching me doing things raises their morale.Also, want a peanut? I'm pretty sure I've got a bag somewhere round here...*begins rummaging through his pockets, attempting to find, by touch, a paper bag full of peanuts, rather than the paper bag of bullets for his tech-heretical modified autopistol*
>>40619451>his tech-heretical modified autopistolWe should compare notes friend.
>>40618069Is alright. I had full breakfast before arriving.>>40618080*cracks you in the jaw*YOU DARE SPEAK OF MY ANNA THIS WAY!?>>40618184Yes! My Anna she is wery pleased. She say it tickle her more now.>>40618024Who is this fine young lady? She remind me of Anna...
>>40619472I think captain Notaneldar is male. Don't make the same mistake I did.
>>40619451Well...I'll see if we can bring someone in. How did you come about this curse?
>>40619507Honestly, I'm not sure myself at this point. I haven't checked in a few decades.
>>40619582A chaos sorceror cursed me in his dying breath for giving him peanuts.
>>40619582He gave a nutter some nuts.
>>40619602I'm sure you'll find someone to help you with that. Not that I am volunteering.Unless you totally want me to volunteer.
>>40619632That's a nice way to resume it.
>>40619654I can do it! I mean, for the sake of propriety.Right this way, Cap'n...
>>40619625Was he allergic?
>>40619673Didn't peg you as a lesbian.
>>40619673You need to go back to your side of the camp and barackments.
>>40619691Please keep these people away from me.
>>40619691I'm not! Just sayin', if he IS a lady, better a lady to find out. Wouldn't want any more "conduct unbecoming" in the regiment, would we.
>>40619685How the hell was I supposed to know he was?! AND the bloody Arbites, too!
>>40619707And if he's not, hmmm? Besides, he's not even human.
>>40619726Nothin' I wouldn't've seen in the showers, anyway.And nonsense! He's clearly human! Just because someone is unnaturally skinny and lithe and has ears that come to unnerving points and eyes that seem to reflect the stars doesn't mean he's anythin' but a good ol' Guardsman with some unfortunate family traits.
>>40619749Calm your tits, Jubbs. He looks way too human for my taste anyhow.
>>40619707>>40619726Are you both propositioning the regimental form filler for sex?Admech interns are certainly superior
>>40619776I don't know, I'm totally confused. On one hand he is not human, which is a prerequisite for me, and on the other he kind of still looks very much like one. You know what Jubbs, you can have him. I still have the dildo-stave and there are goats somewhere, apparently.
>>40619775>Calm your tits, Jubbs.I'm TRYING, but... yeah, we know how that usually goes. I'm not getting written up for button-related eye injuries again.
>>40619726>>40619749Can someone please explaining me why we have Eldar in company?
>>40619808Wait, we have Eldar in the company? When the fuck did that happen?Also, someone want to make a new thread?
>>40619808Someone has to do all the paperwork and administratum fidling.This one just sort of appeared and took care of that.
>>40619825Wait until it hits page 9, we've got time.
>>40619808Too skinny for my taste either ways. There has to be some tasty muscle and internal organs... Oh, no... The buzzing is louder again.... Lights fade.... I'm getting hungry...
>>40619878Hey, got your teeth back? Have some water from my flask, it made your ears fell better last time.
>>40619805I can weld a torso harness if you want. I can probably stick some flak plates on it too. If that fails there's always armor plating.
>>40619902You say "armour plating", I'm hearing "shrapnel".
>>40619808I do paperwork and study human psychology. I'm writing a book about it.
>>40619908*BLAM*Knowledge is power, guard it well.
>>40619945I'm pretty sure chimera armor plates can take your tits hon.
>>40619948My kidney! What was that for?
*starts mumbling almost incoherently of "the scratching"*
>>40620004Only book guardsman read is Primer.
>>40620035I wasn't writing it for you to read! And what about the Munitorum Manual?This is still very painful, by the way. Is that medic still around?
>>40620063Here! I cauterise with hot barrel.
>>40620063*welding chimera armor plates into curiass*He's off with sarge killing more orcs.
>>40620063>>40620085*BLAM*Do not telling me what not to read!
>>40620138OH GODS! Could you at least shoot to kill or something? Seriously, it's like you're specifically aiming at the non-vital organs!
>>40620138*mumbles*And that, dear people, is why we have the reputation we have in this galaxy.
>>40620138>>40620160Do you guys reckon this here chimera armor plating cuirass can contain Jubblowski's mammaries? Or will I nees Leman Russ plates?
>>40620184I've just been shot twice!
>>40620160Alright, whatever you are, how about we just get you out of here? I think you got your research on human psychology. Or lack thereof.
>>40620214Well, as far as I can see, you're fine. Then again, I can't see you at all, so...
>>40620184I'm tellin' you, man, this isn't going to end well. Last time there was an Inquisitor comin' by our way, one of the guys in his retinue looked at me and mumbled something about Warp fuckery. I'm suspecting it's a... family curse or something. Or blessing. I'm not sure which. It DOES tend to work to our advantage, on balance.
>>40620214I still have some bandages that I didn't give to Meow. Here. *hands over*
>>40620214You'll live.Hell survived being shanked by your kabalist broth-*begins tripping balls*
>>40617301The Emperor, blessed be His name, has decreed that all entrenching tools shall fold. What you have is rank heresy and TREASON. BLAM
>>40617326>>40617348>>40617409Watch thou the mutant! Purge them!
>>40620278Hey, commissar? We've got a nutjob here. Dunno who he is, he just wandered in and screamed something about treason, then shot someone. At least, I think he shot someone. I heard a gunshot, certainly.
>>40620234>>40620184Oh by the Throne! Here! Delicious, fool guardswoman, take fur coat.>>40620170>*BLAM*s a warning shot by your feet.
>>40617415Destroy your lasgun, private. THen stand behind Gratt. When he dies, take his lasgun.
>>40620306He shot a dead man who the commissar executed already. Don't worry about it.I'm still quite alive, though. And in a lot of pain.
Ah, right, there are the orks everyone's worrying about.*starts firing*
*still high from cabalis knife poison/drug*Guys, what if, hear me out now.What is we used Jubby's rack as a directional mine? Like voom shrapnel bitches and the BOOM breasts. Hahahahahaa.
>>40620307Ooh, thank you. Nice and oversized, maybe it'll stay on for a while.>>40620465Hey now, I'm a soldier, not ordnance. Though that said, there was that time with the reinforced flak vest and the cultist... the force of the reinforcing straps nearly cut 'im to ribbons.
>>40620543Oversized? Is summer coat.
>>40620402Can your physiology do anything with basic painkillers?
>>40620686I don't know. Try anyway. This is not a nice experience.
>>40620806You're forgetting your name...
>>40620827I probably shouldn't be posting at all. It's 3:00am here.I'm gonna slepHurk...bleh *dies*
Someone making a new thread?
Does anyone even want a new thread?
>>40621319Was busy. Yes want.