>>40617073
All I got is a dragon dildo

Too bad we're not fighting Slaaneshi forces

>>40617073
Well sir we're out of krak missiles so any anti-armor has to be done via las cannon and Dragon Dildo.

>>40617091
Private Anon, I'm pretty sure that any slaaneshi cultist would just bounce on that thing and cut your throat while doing it.
Maybe the Orks have left some choppas somewhere around here...

>>40617109
We can always throw our dead at them, if everything else fails.

If we're lucky, we can go back and find Private Bob later. I'm sure the Munitorium cooks can make a curry or something out of him...

>>40617114
Well, I found the head of a choppa. Maybe I can attach it to the head of my dildo

>>40617143
Good thinking, Private!
If we get back alive, I'll be sure to find you a billet that isn't thigh-deep in shit.

>>40617073
I've still got the plasma gun and a few hydrogen flasks. What I do NOT have, however, is any remaining functioning hands. Anyone want to take up the gun in my stead?

>>40617240
Even in death you lot are useless...Why did you come without your hands, Private?!

>>40617073

Got my primer right here, sir. That empty box is still empty.

Sir, is this a good time to mention that I have a non-standard entrenching tool? Mine doesn't fold like the others. The quartermaster said it was ok, but now I'm scared. Does this make me a heretic?

>>40617073
Well, I have no ammo left, my helmet was lost in the last attack and as far as I know is being worn by an Ork, my armor has 3 slugga rounds stuck in it, and I may have internal bleeding. So doing alright I guess.

Sir, Pvt. Jubblowski seems to have misplaced her flak vest and jacket again.

Commissar, I have a problem. My commanding officers seems to think I am some monster, and took my knife away. How can I fight orks unarmed?

>>40617073
Sir, privates Anderson and Marshall are arguing over which edition was better again

>>40617326

You've got tentacles, son. The best you can hope for is to be shot by the Orks before you're shot by me. I warned you not to masturbate while we're in the Warp.

>>40617301
I believe it does. *BLAM*
If your entrenching tools are not standard Guard-issue, you are Heretics. The Emperor's light only encompasses those with Guard-standard entrenching tools!

>>40617311
At last! Someone who doesn't complain! What's your name, Private?

>>40617320
Private, you appear to be wearing them...

>>40617326
With a dragon dildo, apparently...

I didn't masturbate! I just went to the airlock, to see where we are going. It was pretty, let me tell ya.

>>40617378
Private Clift sir, could I have another lasgun? Mine seems to be growing a face.

>>40617342
Which edition? Clarify, Guardsman!
Does your entrenching tool fold?!

>>40617417
It used to before I stuck it in an Ork's face. Could I get another?

>>40617415
>>40617425

We are deep into the rectum of the Ork horde.
I'm not a requisitions officer, I don't carry around extra weapons!

>>40617442
Well then I guess I'll be using my lasgun with a face, which is now chanting all sorts of horrible things, and a broken shovel to fight off Orks.
Can't be that bad can it?

>>40617073
Sir, there's a dismembered Ork arm here, and it's still trying to pummel me to death. Should I be concerned by this?

>>40617442
Perhaps he could have the non-standard one as a temporary replacement. I don't think that other guy will be needing it anymore.

>>40617073
Sir, I figured out a way to beat the orks! It's genius, just wait until you hear it!

Um, mistir commissar, I found dis yellow lasgun thing, what should I do with it?

>>40617451
Look at it this way, Clift, can't be any worse than that skirmish on Abraxas IV with the rat things and the sentient mud.

>>40617451
Hmm, better drop the lasgun. You can just beat the enemy with your helmet instead.
And get that entrenching tool foldable quickly. Only heretics and monsters carry entrenching tools that don't fold.

>>40617475
Mine doesn't fold...

>>40617475
But sir, an Ork has my helmet, I said earlier.
I don't have a combat knife either, all I have is my broken shovel.
I'd like to fold it, but there is too much Ork blood in the mechanism.

>>40617456
For Throne's sake, Captain! Didn't your mother ever tell you that if a dismembered ork arm hits you, you hit it back?!

>>40617458
Shut up, Lemming...

>>40617504
Here Clift, you can have my helmet and knife. I've got this promethium lance, so I'll be fine.

>>40617504
Ork blood... Can I lick it? Just a little taste?

>>40617524
Well, I seem to be sorted then. What's our next move Commissar?

>>40617501
I'm still wondering why I haven't shot you yet, Hal...Maybe you're just so terrifyingly incompetent that even Daemons won't possess you...

>>40617504
Then take off your flak vest and beat the enemy with that!

Sir! Sir! Emergency! That last meltabomb hit the recaf crate!

>>40617535
I'm not sure, better run it past the Commissar.
>>40617542
Can Guardsman Lemming lick the Ork blood off my shovel without being a heretic sir?

>>40617555
Right! The Imperial Primer states that in this event the best thing to do is to put as many bodies as you can between the detonation and your commanding officer!

Everyone, move in front of me!

>>40617510
Sir, should I consider that a field promotion?

>>40617560
Your shovel doesn't fold, holding it for too long makes you a heretic.

>>40617542
Actually, every daemon I have seen seems to either shun me or immediately attempt to shove a sharp object in my stomach. Shame, really. They have nice teeth. I think they'd be nice company if they'd talk... No possession as far as I know anyways.

Orks? At least the nids made good eating. Nowadays we actually have to eat field rations.
Euch.
Also any word on that Leman Russ?

>>40617581
As long as you pick up that Ork arm and prove to it that you're worthy!

>>40617582
What if I threw my shovel at the meltabomb?
It could work, maybe. Probably not but maybe.

shhh... whats that noise? sounds like.. like..

>>40617560
That's Gibbers, Cleft. I'm Lemming.

>>40617592
It won't work. Unless... THAT'S IT! WE MUST LAUNCH THE SHOVEL WITH A CATAPULT!

>>40617591
Oi boss ders sum Orks charging us shud we krump 'em?

>>40617592
As long as it folds.
If the shovel folds, it has the blessings of both the mechanicum and the Emperor.
I don't make the rules, I merely enforce them.

>>40617597
Is it the sound of a Leman Russ? Did the requisition finally come through! After the bakery incident we really need heavy firepower in this legion

>>40617590
Yes. The crew ran away and the Orks stole it.

>>40617591
I won the fight, sir, but it seems to have torn off my arm. Permission to replace my old arm with the greenskin's, sir?

>>40617613
CRUMP THEM! CRUMP THEM WITH THE EMPEROR'S MIGHT!
MAKE EVERY SEVERED ORK ARM COUNT!

>>40617610
What do we make the catapult from?
All we have are shovels

>>40617616
Know it'snot an lemon ruff it's dem nasty Orks charging us

>>40617618
Permission granted! Out here, we can't afford to be too picky about what colour our surrogate arms are...

sir? can we take a break... have some tea? a lil cake too?

>>40617624
Ah, but with some vines, these shovels, and the Commissar's hat, we can make a SHOVEL CATAPULT!

>>40617623
Alroit boss! *KRUMP* for da Warboss Emperor!

>>40617639
Sounds like it could work.
>>40617623
Permission to use the Commissar's hat to save the platoon sir?

>>40617626
Right so we countercharge them!

FOR THE EMPEROR!

>>40617639
Taking a Commissar's hat is worse than having a non-foldable shovel, and ALMOST as bad as taking a Commissar's Single-Malt!

Its punishable by death.

And my left hand, these tentacles don't really feel pain. It's a pity, though... I liked my normal hands and its nails more.

Hey guys, how does every Commissar joke start?

By looking over your shoulder!

>>40617646
Permission denied!

>>40617658
Meant to reply to Lemming...

*Picks up non-foldable shovel and gives it to the Orks* Look boss da Orks are being xenos AND hair-tics *continues krumping*

Well chaps, here is the plan. We need shovels, vines, my broken shovel, a lasgun charge pack, and a real good attitude.
With all these, we can save the platoon from a melta bomb. Are we all in?

>>40617679
Good work, Sergeant!
I daresay you're the most competent man this platoon has...

Sorry I am late Commissar, I took it upon me to do the regiments paperwork considering the last events and I am not even done.

http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Campaign:Penal_regiment_designation_/tg/

>>40617650
>>40617658
>>40617665
>>40617639
>>40617693
OK you mangy grots stop making about and get ta smashing!

>>40617680
I'm a captain now, so I might be able to requisition a hat to use instead of the commissar's.

>>40617651
Sir, do we have any spare officer's fancy hats available?

Sir, permission to improvise with the coconut shells from the last supply drop, sir? That other private still has my flak armour and jacket...

>>40617692
Fank you Boss!

>>40617692
C'mon Commissar, it's obvious that the Sergeant is an ork!

>>40617716
You're an ork!

>>40617700
Okay, sarge! *grabs an or and bites its neck with minimal effect*

>>40617693
I do not have a drinking problem! I can stop any time I want!

>>40617692
Sir, I'd actually like to talk to you about the sergeant. He's acting rather suspicious. I think he may be a cleverly disguised Eldar spy.

>>40617720
Now that's just silly. An ork could could never disguise itself that cleverly.

>>40617754
Captain. He has green skin, tusks, and speaks like an ork.

I don't think he's an eldar, mate.

>>40617720
Hair-tic! Commissar krump this buffoon!

>>40617709
Rectum of the Ork Horde, Captain, what do you think?

>>40617715
Permission denied! Coconut shells are...not...uh, sanctioned by the divine light of the Astronomicon!
You don't want your breasts turning into abominations...

>>40617720
This means an Ork is more competent than you. Maybe you should go to your billet and think about those implications!

>>40617754
>>40617769
The seargent is the best damn counter charger we have and you will respect that.

>>40617777
Ah, but Commisar, if an Ork is more competent than the rest of your troops what does that mean?

Does it not mean that you're a terrible Commisar?

Here, have a drink.

>>40617777
Not to impl- imp- say dat I am an Ork ay Boss?

>>40617769

Are you zoggin about? Da Sarge iz upstandin' an' loyal an' not a Kommando pretendin' to be a humie.

>>40617792
That, or it means I was landed with a terrible command.
I don't deserve this kind of treatment!

Its all because of the blasted Mars incident! I tried telling them. Those ancient relics were just RESTING in my account...

>>40617769
Just because he has green skin, tusks, and an orkish way of speaking doesn't mean he's an ork. I've got pointy ears and latent psychic potential, but that doesn't mean I'm an eldar agent.

>>40617812
Oh yeah the Mars incident.
Commissar, did you know that some mechanicus interns have yet to discard the "pleasures of the flesh".

Thanks to the ruckus you made, I got some sweet intern love.

Thanks Commissar!

>>40617810
BUT YOU'RE AN ORK TOO!

>>40617808
YOU'RE BOTH ORKS, YOU'RE IN IT TOGETHER!

>>40617812
Now now, Commissar. It wasn't your fault. I mean, now you have to deal with the likes of Gibbers and Lemming, and Orks in disguise, and hopefully kill yourself from the madness, but it's not ENTIRELY your fault.


>>40617828
BUT YOU ARE AN ELDAR AGENT! You called me a mon-keigh once! WE'RE SURROUNDED BY XENOS INFILTRATORS, CAN'T YOU FOOL SEE?

>>40617828
'Ow many capptain-nobz does this platoon have anyway?

*Is taken away by the Ork as "da weirdezt zoggin' humie i'z eva seen in me entire zoggin' orky life"* HEEEELP!!!

>>40617834
>>40617836

We do NOT talk about the Mars incident. It never happened, alright?

>>40617836
Roight days it oiv had enuff ov your insubi- insubor- arguing *KRUMP*

Nyan nyan Nyaaaa nyon mew ! ( Red Dots- I mean lasguns- and scratchy armor all and accounted for sir!)

>>40617860
OW! HE HIT ME, THE ORK HIT ME! Blam him, Commie old boy! BLAM HIM TO HELL!

>>40617864
You... Are a cat?

>>40617864
GUH!
What in the Emperor's name-?!

>>40617840
Oh well we have the eldar infiltrator over there, but we keep him because he does the paperwork.

>>40617873
You.. KNEW?

This regiment has gone to hell.

>>40617870
I think I've tolerated your incompetence for just about long enough!

*BLAM*

>>40617872
Nya nya nyon nyan nihao nya ! (Brigadier Company Commander Nyhaonyan , Carlos Mconnel 5th Regiment sir!)

>>40617864
Who's the funny looking Gyrinx?

>>40617882
We're all about to be killed by Orks anyway, so honestly I think we should just try to get along.

>>40617887
JAMES!

You... You just killed my brother sir.

>>40617882
Shaddup! The Nobs and bosses are ordering you mangy grots about not da over way round! We all know about pansy Elf-boy but I don't no 'bout no Ork

>>40617882
Do you want to interact with the administratum private!
I sure as hell do not.
Hence we keep Cpt. Notaneldar.
He's like, the regimental pet.
We also use him to pick up drunk chicks.

Commi-boss da Orks are back! Now where is dat splody-melty-thingy you boys are muking about with...

How much of you has to be made of bandages before you're heretical, sarge?

>>40617941
We've stuck it onto one of the chimeras as a bumper.

*Is being taken to the ork controlled side of the battlefield and the ork carrying him disappears to the green tide* IDONTWANNADIEE!!!....

>>40617777
>You don't want your breasts turning into abominations...
They already count as weapons of mass distraction, sir.

>>40617977
GIBBERS!


...I will not lose another man today.

>charges with Promethium Lance into the midst of the Orks, chasing after Gibbers
>uses lance to pole vault over the orks

*Rips meltabomb of the chimera along with 10% of the chimera chucks into the Ork horde and goes after gibbers*

>>40617935
Wait, I thought Guardsman Lemming was the regimental pet.

>>40618002
Not for long, I suppose.

Hello friends! I am glad to being of seeings you again. Well... Most of you. Is lucky we are stationed on same planet again, yes?

>>40618014
>>40618002
*And also lemming*

>>40617973
Bossman, can I get an answer here?
Everyone seems to be running off one by one.

>>40618024
>>40618028
>>40618039

IF ANY OF YOU MAGGOTS WANT TO CALL YOURSELVES PROUD GUARDSMEN, YOU WILL FIGHT THESE GREENSKINS!

>>40618039
Well I'd say that if your organs are made up of bandages, then you're probably heretical.

*KRUMPS through the Ork horde and joins Lemming*
ALROIT YOU MANGY GROT WOT NOW

>>40618041
I don't want to call myself that at all. I just do the paperwork and write my book on human psychology.

>>40618054
Are you going to shoot me if they are?

Cus, they're totally not.

>>40618028
Hey there ! Too bad there aren't any nids to roast huh.

>>40618055
NOW, SERGEANT, WE CHARGE THROUGH THEM, WE RESCUE LEMMING, I SET OFF MY PROMETHIUM LANCE, AND HIT IT ON THE GROUND JUST RIGHT TO SEND US ROCKETING BACK TO THE DUGOUT. NOW LET'S MOVE OUT.

>charges

DAMMIT GIBBERS GET BACK HERE!

OI YOU
Given me back dat strange humie wiff da wriggly arm!

>>40618028
Hallo, kamerad. I am trying of Vostroyan language. Is good, da?

>>40618041
ALRIGHT I'M GONNA SHOW YOU FIREPOWER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

>>40618068
Meow, we have our paperwork done by eldar infiltrators and out best melee specialists are orcs. Unless you go on like that chaos chick who fellated drill bits I am not going to shoot you. Now get in here and help transplant this Taurox cannon over this here chimera.

>>40617891
Ah! The most interesting man in the universe!

>>40617911
His shovel wasn't foldable, he was a heretic.

>>40618039
You can have as many bandages as you like, just as long as they are sanctioned by the Munitorium first. Do you think you can keep from bleeding out until we get back?

>>40618041
Someone remind me to send the Munitorium cooks out to find Lemming later. The ship will need fuel for the next warp-jump.

>>40618070
GODDAMNIT LEMMING WHY DO YOU LOVE THAT LANCE

>starts shooting his plasma gun

SERIOUSLY WHAT MAKES YOU LOVE MELEE

>>40618091
Do you have any bandages, then?
I kind of need to tie my arm back together so I can tie my leg back on before I can help you, and mine are too soaked with what I think is my own blood to do it.

>>40618091
I AM NOT AN ORK

>>40618070
Roight then let's get dat zoggin wriggles

>>40618103
Oh, sure. I won't bleed out. I'd need to have blood left in me to bleed out.

>>40618105
THE END EXPLODES, ROCCO! THEY EXPLODE! WHAT'S BETTER THAN EXPLOSIONS!

>>40618117
Alright, I think I see him! You're faster than me, get him and bring him back here!

>>40618113
I've got a couple of towels. Will those work?

Commissar Sir, Field Kit ready for inspection at your leisure, Commissar Sir!

*Smashes da Ork with Gibbers*
I've got wriggles! Get your shooty-stick ready Lemming!

>>40618125
That's the most retarded sentence I've heard.

Now, let's get back to Lemming.

>>40618134
EMPEROR FUCKING DAMNIT LEMMING DO YOU WANT TO END UP LIKE JOE

*Smashes the other Orks a bit*

>>40618143
Those are fine for clotting my stomach. Need something finer to tie my wrist back to my forearm.

>>40617748
Of course Commissar. Of course.

>>40618150
IF IT MEANS WE DON'T LOSE ANOTHER MAN TODAY, YES!

>>40618148
ALRIGHT, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

>detonates the promethium lance, the explosion sending them flying back into the dugout
>lands covered in burns, missing an eye and a leg

Ughhhhh... I think it worked.

*finishes chimera with battle cannon*

Alright, joyride time! Get in the back guardsmen we're driving in style today!

>>40618162
Come on bruva! Let us crush deh enemeh! If we die today, ve die vith honor. But neigh! The enemeih vill die today!

>>40618169
FUCK YOU LET'S GET OUT OF HERE

>>40618169
Actually, I think he might need them more.

>>40618028
Hello, friend. I see your Moustache is still glorious.

>>40618177
Alright! Let's get home, I'm starving for some beef.

>>40618177
Sh... Sh-shotgun...

>>40618162
>>40618169
>>40618180
Get in the battle-cannon chimera lads. We're rollin back to base.

Don't be such a panzy Lemming deres moar Orks ta kill!
Stop mucking about men and CHARGE

>>40618134
Lemming, Emperor's sake! Controlled explosions! CONTROLLED!

*lost most of his teeth and left leg is broken* Fanksh Sharghe.... Lhemming... He hath nhaish teefth, hthough.

>>40618208
It was controlled... Just less than usual.

>>40618215
No problem, Gibbers. Just doing... My job...

>>40618195
Aw yeah! Come on, maybe the commisar will give us double the amasec today!

>>40618187
>>40618195
Your deluded of you think the Commissar will let us go back to base without at least one of us dying for the Emperor.

>>40618235
Dat would be dat sneak James accu- saying I'm an Ork

Do we still have a medic, or was that idea scrapped with the budget overhauls?

>>40618202

WAAAAGHHHH-uhh-CHAAAAAAAARRGE!!

>>40618226
He's out of Amasec, shipment is on the way. Just don't drive him to despair before it arrives? Or we'll be blammed when he finds out.

>>40618235
Well Ruh, it doesn't matter because I'm sure that the commissar would like to take the top hatch and cut orcs down. But he's back at the base so we need to pick him up.

>>40618226
That Amasec in mine! Don't you lay an Emperor-damned finger on it!

>>40618235
Ruh is right. Who's going to stay? I think...Hal or Lemming, you can fight amongst yourselves, the survivor gets to come back in the Chimera.

>>40618244
Yeah, sorry about that Sergeant. James always was an odd one.

>>40618249
What do you need? Can't you just die for the Emperor in peace or something?

>>40618249
You can have Guardsman James' uniform. Wrap it around your arm or whatever. Just stop your whining, I'm trying to fill out a requisition form.

>>40618254
What are you talking about, you idiot?!
I'm sitting opposite you!

>>40618262
I don't think dying in piece is allowed around here.

And I need, uh, well basically everything from the neck down, uh, replaced.

>>40618256
Sir, are you really going to wait for Hal and Lemming to die before you sword things out of the top hatch of the bastard child of a taurox and a chimera. For shame.

>>40618256
Isn't dat a waste of resources boss?
>>40618258
He is forgives in deff for Gork an- da Emporer!

>>40618265
Hey, you're in charge of some paperwork too?

>>40618269

I's good wiv butcherin'. Do yoo wanna new... somefink?

>>40618279
Ruh, whatever you do, do NOT mention the Mars incident in the paperwork!

>>40618289
On second thought, I'll wait for the paperwork to go through.

>>40618289
Hey look over yonder!
An orcish tank!
Get in the Hatch sarge, we're going jousting today.

I fink dat if someome 'as to die for da Emporer it shud be privat meow for being a mutant and useless from da neck down

>>40618314
I have a spare promethium lance.

>>40618314
Now Dis is a propa fite!

>>40618323
I'm certainly not a mutant, and I can still shoot my las pistol fine. Just, kindly angle me towards the green skins, would you?

>>40618296
Of course, Commissar, I won't talk about that which must not be mentioned.

Commi-boss hasn't see anyfing for a while
Dat expression is making me scared and I is as fearless as an Ork

>>40618373
*sed anyfing

>>40618330
>>40618335
Let's roll, hang on tight lads,we're going in deep!

>>40618314

Dat's a Grot Tank! I's not gettin' in dat!

>>40618024
Careful about all that talk of regimental pets.
*winks at Cpt. Notaneldar*

>>40618330
Give me dat
>>40618385
*hangs on to the side of the tank which is gathering speed straight towards the trukk wielding the lance*

>>40618402
Use it well, Sergeant.

>>40618402
*presses the accelerator hard willing the chimera-tank to go even faster*

>>40618426
Oooooooohhhhh zooooooggg!!!!

>>40618402
Why does this look so much like impending doom and injuries?

>>40617289
With respect, Commissar, I don't think he had any choice in the matter.

>>40618446
Ruh, believe in the bolted on armor plates and sandbags.

*throws the lance at the trukk when the chimera-chimera gets close enough and jumps off*

>>40618446

Injuries? Dat sounds promisin'.

>>40618458
TURN THE FRIGGING TANK!

*broadsides trukk with Taurox cannon and barrels along*
Welp where to now?

>>40618446
Becaz it is yah grot
Now for the time CHARGE or I'll krump the lot of yah meself!

>>40618481
Back to base. We need a medic.

I-i r-r-rea-l-l-ly w-w-wish th-they'd p-p-put sh-sh-shock abs-s-s-orbers on th-these th-things!

>>40618466
We're already out of bandages because of Meow's consumption, and Cpt. Notaneldar can't keep track of the paperwork.
Less injuries WOULD be helpful.

*Lance explodes*

>>40618490
No Lemming, you need common sense first and foremost but that's not for sale around here.

>>40618491
Oh stop complaining, Jubblowski. I'm missing a limb, and you're moaning about shock absorbers!

>>40618494
Heym the orks ruined most of the paperwork. I'm not to blame this time.

>>40618490
Oh. Cool I guess?
>>40618491
Are you talkin 'bout muh tankmera? Well that's actually the forced on lascannon sponsons fucking with the weight distribution.

>>40618507

I's able to replace dat for ya. I gots Jim'z arms roight 'ere!

>>40618514
Well you'll never be like Joe, who could fill in paperwork with both his legs shot and then went on to die for the Emperor and off to Valhalla all shiny and chrome.

>>40618527
James's arm? Sure! Did you happen to grab his left eye, too? I need a new one of those. Toss them here and I'll get them attached when we get back to base.

>>40618514
Wot Orks?

>>40618530
That's right. I'll never be turned into a puddle of blood like Joe was.

>>40618536

Nah. I fink Oi've dis. Jus' lie still.

>>40617132
actually sir i have my own plans for that body

>>40618542
I mean Wot Orks?

>>40618544
Uhh Joe was vaporized along with most of the heavy explosives, a chimera, a plasma gun, and the melta I got from a krieger before mars.

>>40618548
Sorry Kom. I want to do it myself. Honoring my brother and all that.

>>40618548
I'm giving you a field promotion to Dok- I mean medic

>>40618552
Ahh, a Martian spy.
Tell me, now this is important for the unit.
What do you think about jury rigged gear?

>>40618544
*chokes up*
Why do you have to... be so graphic. I... Joe was one of my best friends in this regiment. And his sacrifice means something. I... I...

Ah fuck it.
*takes a swig from a flask*

>>40618567

Promotion! I's da best!

>>40618565

Too late! I's sterilizin' do wound wiv gutrot.

>>40618544
Go fuck yourself Eldar scum.

>>40618578
Yes, we all know his sacrifice means something. If we can find him, it means we get to eat actual meat tonight!

>>40618596
COMMISSAAARRR.

>>40617425
hm perhaps there is a way to make the entrenching tools into a more efficient weapon

>>40618507
I'm missing three.
Could someone roll me over, please? It's pretty hard to shoot orks when you're face down.

>>40618578
*takes a swig from the flask*
Dude, I hate to break it to you, but explosives leave no blood puddle.

>>40618599
Cpt. Notaneldar is an Eldar? So that means he's not human? *lewd look at Notaneldar* Owww yeah.

>>40618602
Listen, private Topbuttocks, tyrannids, fine, ork, fine, eat whatever you want, but not Joe.

>>40618618
Wait, we're fighting orks? I thought we were fighting tyranids. Then again, the last time a psyker took a look at me, he started screaming about time melting, so it could just be that.

>>40618507
I think she was referring to the way the rough terrain is making her, er, weapons of mass distraction bounce all over the place.

... you sure it's just your arm you're missing, mate?

>>40618640
Well how am I supposed to know? I'm mostly bandages holding bandages together anyway.

>>40618639
Hmm? Yeah he's the regimental paperwork accomplisher and the regimental gets to go to boring arse meetings man.
>>40618640
If we were fighting nids you'd have a steak on your hands right now.

>>40618650
Well then she should at least put on her flak jacket. And I got my arm replaced, remember?

>>40618654
Look, I'll roll you over.
*heaves Private Meow's mostly limbless body over, and props it up against the side of the trench*
There. Now, I'll just put a few lasers into that bug over there...

>>40618664

Don't pick da stitches.

>>40618573
you can do whatever you want with your gear as long as that use has been throughly tested and approved my the adeptus mechanicus

>>40618667
Ah, that's the stuff.

>begins systematically blasting orks in the face with his las pistol

>>40618675
I won't, Doc. Thanks, by the way.

>>40618664
It's missing! It's not my fault my clothes keep disappearing! I swear it's like they're being nabbed on purpose.

>>40618684
Oh cool, just holler if you need some help then.

>>40618659
...huh. Guess I would.

Look, it isn't my fault I got cursed by some chaos sorceror to be stuck seeing things that happened in the past. I didn't know he was allergic to peanuts!

>>40618700
You're a woman in the middle of a penal battalion? *shakes head*
Oh boy.

>>40618700
Here, take mine. I don't need it anyway.

>>40618714
Hey Topsburrow, how did you end up here anyway?

>>40618724
...I didn't know that the Arbites who came to sort out the chaos sorceror incident was allergic to peanuts either.

>>40618715
There's a Jubblowski in almost every battalion. We're a big family.

And yes, they're a family trait.

>>40618732
Why do you even offer peanuts to everyone?

>>40618715
Ruh half the regument's female.
They usually hang out on "their side of the base".

Alroit men until such a time da commi-boss stops being so drunk he can speak again I is da boss
>>40618687
Keep doing dat
>>40618700
Whoevar stole 'em give wossname her clothes back
>>40618698
Lemming get over here you're now my personal grot
>>40618684
Oi mek start sticking guns to dat burnaboyz battle-wagon
Da rest of you get shooting

>>40618738
...I like peanuts.

>>40618747
Sure thing ork sarge.
Keep shooting other orks, wilco.

>>40618747
Yes sir!

>>40618735
This is a penal battalion Jubblowski, and to send you here in the middle of us, you must have done something wrong. Aside from loosing your clothing.

>>40618747

Sarge! Wot do I do wiv dis uvver arm?

>>40618743
What seriously? Not that I care. Unless they have goats.

*walks into one of the walls of the trench*
Does anyone happen to know of someone who can remove curses? Seriously. This is getting annoying. And somewhat painful.

>>40618766
*mumblemutter* What does "conduct unbecoming" even mean, anyway...

>>40618781
Yep, now help me with this heavy bolter.

>>40618766
If it's public nudity, Johnson owes me a fiver.

>>40618785
Well we HAD a psyker but then someone took his staff to unclog that toilet on the third floor that keeps clogging up and he got pissed and left.

>>40618790
Jubblowski. Just take the flak jacket already.

>>40618554
Sorry I am late guys, was busy revelling in the bodies of my fallen foes--I mean reading the primer. Who's in charge?

>>40618790
It means you aren't helping lay down heavy ordnance. Heavy Boltera don't set up themselves you know.

>>40618790
Oh, I don't know, things like getting with the wrong part of the battalion and then loosing your clothing "by accident".

>>40618791
*grabs heavy bolter with Stephen*
You sure they have goats? Where do they keep them?

>>40618747
Hang on, don't I outrank you?

>>40618785
Dunno. Is there a human equivalent to Spiritseers? I always used to see them when I got cursed.

>>40618804
The sarge is pretty good in a charge.

>>40618794
Fuck it. Someone steer me to a chapel the next time we've got something that might amount to leave. The walking and talking I can do fine, it's the whole "not walking into people, vehicles and other random stuff" thing that I can't do.

>>40618804
The Commissar, but I think his new shipment of amasec arrived so he's a bit indisposed at the moment.

>>40618815
Oh great, sure seems like we aren't harvesting skulls for a throne of some kind, who is that guy we die for? Starts with a K right? the Kemperorn?

>>40618793
You! Wots your name
>>40618791
>>40618781
Do as he says
>>40618785
Sit down and shoot those Orks! I'll get a wierdboy ta look at it wen we're done here
And someone wake up that commi-boss!

>>40618804
I think the Ork's in command right now. Not the medic, the other one.

>>40618829
*mutters while heaving the heavy bolter*
I've got a bad feeling about this.

>>40618809
Well, I saw some goats during the bakery incident, not sure if any eacaped the bakery.

>>40618829
I'm trying not to die here, but I don't really think anyone's bothered by that.

Do you have any bandages?

>>40618835
Alright my bad feeling has just been confirmed.

>>40618835

Dat's 'Dokta' to yoo, pointy ears.

>>40618838
Nonsense fellow human! Obviously my red skin and horns are merely one of a myriad of birth defects that you pitiful fleshlings suffer while under the influences of the dark powers! You obviously have one too, those slightly darker spots you have along your cheeks! Clearly you are no different then I, right?

Right?

>>40618834
But I can't see any Orks, sir! I can see a hell of a lot of bugs, though.

*starts shooting blindly into the battlefield, hitting the sum total of absolutely nothing of any importance whatsoever*

>>40618851

>>40618847

On second thought, tonight will be glorious and goaty.

>>40618835
*THUMP* I IS NOT AN ORK!
>>40618850
Dokter look at the mutant cripple if ya would

>>40618864
Still not a mutant. Just missing a few parts.

>>40618850
Of course not, why would you want to STOP blood from flowing? Don't you want to venerate your god with your blood? All of the blood? Blood of the blood? Blood Blood Blood?"

>>40618864
Agh, stop that! That's assaulting a superior officer!

>>40618856
Drama queen.

>>40618857
You know what, Private, this way.
* Steadies the heavy bolter, grabs Thobsborough, turns him around in the direction of Malfeor the Blooddrinker*
Shoot straight ahead.

>>40618850

I's got worky bits if ya like. An' Jimz arm.

I ask the yellow king to give me a powerup to survive this shit, or to beam me away.

>>40618874
Err, I suppose so that I don't die now.

You know, so that I can, bleed more, like, in the future, maybe?

>>40618885
Blood?

>>40618874
Mostly, it's considered beneficial to have your blood inside you, rather than generally splattered about the place.

>>40618857
Dat some the shooty
>>40618858
I don't care wot tinite il be an keep yer deviancy to yaself

>>40618877
Heeey Sergeant totally not an ork, now you messed up his pretty face. I'm not sure I appreciate that.

>>40618891
Are you the representation of the rage that overtakea the other half of the base during that time of the month?

>>40618885
Thanks, Ruh.

*opens fire, missing entirely. Again.*

Greetings noble guardsmen! On behalf of the Blood Raven chapter, I would like to offer a ceremonial exchange of arms. I do believe you have a an artificer dildo axe?

>>40618894
Nonsense, you can't venerate Khor--I mean the emperor if your blood is inside you!

>>40618908
Um.. you need to look down the sights, the one down the center of the gun...

>>40618911
Do you have bandages? I still need some. And I'm scared our "doctor" is going to take parts out if me instead of put them in.

>>40618911
Greetings, Astartes, may the Emperor bless you. I heard this guy go on about blood blood blood for quite a while. Also he has red skin and horns.
*points at Malfeor*

>>40618911
These boyz probably have 4 of just about anyfing between the lot of em

>>40618920
Nah he's seeing you from the past. Psyker cursed him.

>>40618935
Fucking chaos sorcerors... So, how about these bugs, eh?

>>40618927

Nonsense! Jus' point at da bitz dat 'urt an' I'll fix 'em. I 'ope you like sharp needles.

>>40618928
Uh oh, the fuzz *Runs out of the trench, only to get run over by a trukk, getting caught up in the wheel well, and causing it to veer off into a horde of orks with hilarious effect*

>>40618947
Khorn sure has lowered his standards lately.

>>40618947
Uh, has anyone seen my dragon dildo?

>>40618943
*points at the ork horde*

>>40618960
CAPTAIN NOTANELDAAAAAR? There's another pointy-ear person here.

>>40618960
Ask the Space Marine err heretic?

>>40618975
*Looks at Capt. Notaneldar*

Frank what the hell are you doing? Seriously, that hat looks stupid, now where the hell is my dildo?!

I've always wondered how Isha's tits look like. Her being the only female god and all that.

Anyhuan gat sumfing ta fiks me teefth with? Oh... *Limps to ork corpse*

>>40618981
Shhhh, brother Gabriel might have sto- I mean taken it for... purposes.

>>40618962

Yoo seem to be 'avin' trouble pointin' proper kitty-man. Let's 'ave a look at yer 'ead.

*Brandishes a bone-saw*

>>40619004
Malfeor ain't seeing the sunshine after that space marine with a dildo sword's finished with him.

>>40619002
Not volunteering!
>shoots, with terrible aim, off in the distance

>>40619007
I'm pretty sure Meow isn't a felinid. The felinid can't speak Low Gothic. Meow can speak Low Gothic just fine.

>>40618927
Here guardsman! *sets down palette of tampons* we recently acquired these from an order of Soritas on Tiberius. I had it from a sister that they could stem Khorne's mightiest bloodtide

>>40619018
Oh god damnit someone made it into a sword... Um.. Well I am sure absolutely nothing bad can happen... Enjoy the consequences.

>>40619007
Those were the bits that hurt me.

>>40619024
Jubblowski, you wouldn't happen to bean Eldar Goddess in disguise would you?
Right?
Ha ha?

Hey! Whats 0110101011010101001101011111000110110110101010 here?

>>40619045
I wouldn't put it past her. Then again, I wouldn't put it past that chaos sorceror to have cursed me to be locked into a coma and hallucinate vividly for the rest of my life, so, you know, whatever.

>>40619045
*shivs Meltaman on his way out*

*returns with astartes sized powered dildo stave* Behold how it catches the light! Now I believe someone said something about a Daemon?

>>40619045
Dunno, I was talking with Notaneldar yesterday, apparently you'll can figure it out pretty easily. If you throw some disease at her and she dies, she ain't.

>>40619044

*Saws off Meow's index finger*

Dere we go. Dat little git won't you no more. Now let's 'ave a go at givin' you some limbs.

>>40619045
Please. That would be silly.

>>40619066
I'm not okay with this.

>>40619060
Yes, Malfeor. He's stuck under a wheel over there.

Do you mind lending me that dildo- stave later tonight? I have goats to attend to.

>>40619059
*Shoots wound with low powered laspistol shot.*
*Passes out in pain*

*Chooses teeth from the ork corpse's mouth that are as close to his own size as he can find* Ahywhan nhou hau ta attach theshe?

>>40619063
This talk is getting dangerously heretical. Just sayin'.

>>40618997
What's wrong with my hat? Not spiky and poisoned enough for you? Go kidnap an Ork and turn it into a dildo or something. I'm not associating with you Kabalite crackheads.

>>40619074
Alright, doc, let me take it over from here and get Meow back to basecamp where he can be operated upon properly rather than on a battlefield.
*picks up private Meow, puts him in the back of a vehicle, and hands over some bandages*
Seriously dude, HOW did you end up in a penal battalion instead of dying? Don't you ever die or something?

>>40619066
Doctor, please stop dissecting the cat.

>>40619078
Of course guardsman. *presents stave* Here, deal the killing blow while my thunder hawks begin the extraction of your regiment...starting with the airlift of your heavy vehicles and artillery.

>>40619114
Well, they put me here after my previous commissar shot me.
But I didn't really die, so they weren't sure what to do.

>>40619095

Yoo wait nexta Steve. I'll be dere in a mo'.

>>40619118

An' I wuz jus' about to sew on Jimz arm. *sigh* Never mind. Itz manky now anyway.

>>40619124
Muhahahaha I have the dildo-stave!
*Looms over Malfeor, struggling under the wheel of the tank and kills him with a long, painful [censored][censoring] no seriously like [censored]*

>>40619124
*danger senses tingling*
Oh hell no, you are a thousand years too early to take my tankmera.
>>40619098
Even so Ish rolls off the tongue so much better than Jubblowski.

Can someone archive this thread? I don't know how to do it and I want to keep track of them. Still have to resume the first two threads on 1d4chan.

>>40619124
Hyu goda Hlibrarian with you?

>>40619197
...actually, yes, do you have anyone able to remove curses? I miss not being able to see what's going on in front of me.

>>40619137
There are many otha' boys to operate on Dok like wriggels 'ere
>>40619149
Get in the battlewagon so they can't take it from yo

>>40619168
(did it)

>>40619149
*pulls aside* Tell me guardsman....how do you like the name, Brother Meltaman?

>>40619197
Quite a few tentacle man. Are you a chaos spa- *chuckles* ah, nearly made a neophyte mistake there.

>>40619286
Not so much uhh hazy outline of the human form.

Alroit boys im ordering a full evacuation of this area everyboy back ta base

Alphabet soup is my favorite color.

>>40619149
It's an old and time-honoured Guard name! Surely you've heard of "Chesty" Jubblowski, who at the siege of Amarth XIV distracted the whole besieging force, letting the reinforcements surprise attack?

>>40619312
Can Librarians remove curses? If so, does one have the time to see to this curse I got laid on me?

*walks in the rough direction of the space marine, and bumps into him*

Who was that?

>>40619331
For once I agree with the greenskin.

>>40619356

Come to my thunderhawk and we shall see if one of my librarians on Litany of Fury can aid you. Also, make yourself useful and carry that crate of tank shells to the cargo hold.

On a scale of 1 to 10, what's your favorite letter of the rainbow? Mine's sigma.

>>40619312
Tell 'em to neher come near me, ok? I hath heard enouhh about my soul phrom 'em psykers.

>>40619357
SHADDAP I IZ NOT AN ORK>>4061
>>40619371
Alroit everyboy Load UP

>>40619354
Sure thing Ish whatever you say.

>>40619371
Uh, with respect, sir, I think the rest of the legion needs me here. At least, some of them say that watching me doing things raises their morale.

Also, want a peanut? I'm pretty sure I've got a bag somewhere round here...

*begins rummaging through his pockets, attempting to find, by touch, a paper bag full of peanuts, rather than the paper bag of bullets for his tech-heretical modified autopistol*

>>40619451
>his tech-heretical modified autopistol
We should compare notes friend.

>>40618069
Is alright. I had full breakfast before arriving.

>>40618080
*cracks you in the jaw*
YOU DARE SPEAK OF MY ANNA THIS WAY!?

>>40618184
Yes! My Anna she is wery pleased. She say it tickle her more now.

>>40618024
Who is this fine young lady? She remind me of Anna...

>>40619472
I think captain Notaneldar is male. Don't make the same mistake I did.

>>40619451
Well...I'll see if we can bring someone in. How did you come about this curse?

>>40619507
Honestly, I'm not sure myself at this point. I haven't checked in a few decades.

>>40619582
A chaos sorceror cursed me in his dying breath for giving him peanuts.