Backs straight and eyes front, lads!Now, before I carry out today's inspection, Field Command would like to know how a pair of Rippers got into the Marshal's personal latrine.Since I know for a fact that you are the only idiots stupid enough to do this without any thought of repercussions, I'm looking at you first!In addition to this...why have our trenches been dug in a quadrilateral? You were supposed to connect with the neighboring trenches!
>>40533884We thought that digging the trenches this way would look more stylish, sir.
>>40533936That's quite possibly the most idiotic thing I've heard all week.I don't even want to know why you buried our vox caster...Who was the officer in charge of overseeing the trench digging?
>>40533972You, sir. Don't you remember? You came, yelled at us to dig the trenches, and then left muttering about fine wine.
>>40533972That would be me, sir. It does look more fashionable though, doesn't it? I thought maybe a pentagon for a while but then... it's just not the same, sir.
>>40533884Sir, defence to all sides sir!
>>40533986Yes, and I wouldn't have to drown my sorrows if I wasn't attached to a penal regiment made up of the Universe's dumbest criminals.You people MADE me like this!
>>40533884With all due disrespect, sir, the Marshal is an asshole, you're a dickwad and I've had enough of this bullshit. My boots are wet, my flak armour should've been replaced four week ago, my Lasgun doesn't even scratch those xenos beasts we're fighting, my whole platoon was killed in a massed charge against a fortified enemy gunline that you ordered and I haven't had a decent ration of coffee in two years.So fuck you and fuck the Emperor.RIGHT, LADS?!
>>40533990I-...wha-...Marr, you're meant to be one of the intelligent ones!>>40534007We only NEED to defend on ONE side! That's the entire point of this engagement! The enemy is in FRONT of us! The idea is that we go over the top in a straight line, a bunch of you die, and it ALL. LOOKS. VERY. HEROIC!
>>40534008You don't really think we're dumb, do you sir?
>>40533884um, Commissar, we haven't seen the bugs in weeks, are you sure the Marshal didn't have some of the local flora for lunch?
>>40534039Lemming, your bayonet is cutting into your shoulder...
>>40534042Permission to burn the body, Commissar?
>>40534007>>40534027Yessir! You see, Commissar, I am still one of the smart ones. Need I remind you of the time Carlsen replaced all of our lasgun battery packs with solar panels when we fought on that hive world so as not to damage the environment any more?
>>40534047Are you questioning the Marshal's intelligence and culinary taste, private?!
>>40534049Oh, that sir. It's a new way of holding my gun. I think it's going to be revolutionary! Twice the effectiveness, I'm telling you.
>>40534052Permission granted, just don't fire your flamer into the wind.>>40534057Ugh, please don't. I've no room for hippies in my regiment. If any of you wants to be a salad-eating environmentalist, just remember that Tyrannids ARE the environment.We are the Imperium! And we are going to kill this environment!
>>40534060Sir no Sir! I have a fear of small creatures swimming up my pooper, Sir!
>>40534064What? So you're stabbing something all the time?By the Emperor, Lemming! Even when you're trying to kill yourself you're useless...
>>40534060Are we... are we not meant to be eating the tyranids, sir? I'm asking for uh... a friend in another regiment.
>>40534089Understandable, given last Tuesday's events. I'm surprised the Medicae allowed you to come back so soon...
>>40534107They cook really nicely inside their armour. You just have to add some local herbs for the flavour.
>>40534090Useless sir? Hardly! This method of equipment handling has plenty of upsides! For example, the enemy will think you're already wounded, letting you take them by surprise! Plus, having the barrel pointing upwards means that you can fire if you fall over sir!
>>40534107The phrase is "suffer not the alien to live", Marr.That doesn't mean you can slow-roast them...
>>40534119I know! Ask one of the lads with a plasma wotsit to rustle something up sometime. The superheated particles make it extra crispy.
>>40534132You have to admit the rations taste really shitty Commissar. Eating a heretic would be a better experience.
>>40534128Let's cut this short, Lemming, I want to get to the mess hall before they run out of corn beef rations.Stop holding your rifle like that, or I'll perform a summary execution.
>>40534145That was a great bonding moment, wasn't it?
>>40534158But Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir!Hmph, fine. But when my ingenious tactical design would have come in handy, don't come crying to me.
>>40534164Oh, some promethium makes everything a great experience Sarge.
>>40534145What exactly was it that landed you in the penal regiment, Lyn?I've a horrible feeling I know already...
Greetings friends! I am Capitan Alexandr. Where is your Commissar of being?
>>40534172Lemming, you've got red on you.
>>40534179Oh sir, you couldn't possibly know. In fact, funny story that. You see, the hive block I come from had this really nasty vermint infestation and... Well long story short, those kids won't be needing any hairbrushes ever again!
>>40534187All a part of my plan to fool the filthy xenos, sir!
>>40534186That would, unfortunately, be me...Are you sure you want to be here, Vostroyan? Stupid spreads like heresy here.
>>40534186Oh thank the emperor! They're sending space Russ- sorry, Vostroyans, as back up?
>>40534194Just make sure you don't eat any junior officers. Otherwise we might not have enough bodies to choke the enemy.
>>40534199Ah, so it's not actually blood then... is it?
>>40534210They're probably here to clean up our mess...
>>40534216Yes sir, of course not sir! Between us, the Xeno taste better anyway.
>>40534222Of course not sir, it's ketchup from the rations! Mixed in with a healthy dose of my blood of course. Have to make it as realistic as possible.
>>40534240And, at a guess, what's the ratio of blood to ketchup, private?
>>40534216Sir, I'm fairly confident we can take the enemy in close quarters combat, I killed one of the blue Tyranids 3 weeks ago with my hands!
>>40534240You should cathurise the wound, so it won't bleed. Lemme just use the ignition on my flammer....
>>40534201*salutes*Greetings friend Commissar. I hear you speaking of roasted Tyranids, yes? Is favourite on Vostroya. Anyway, I am hear to discuss tictacs with you.Your... regiment is to be giving us cover fire while we plant explosives, yes?
>>40534238Sir, we agreed that the 5 mile blast crater was no one's fault!
>>40534247Blue t-...strange, I've not seen any blue Tyrannids.There was also a murder committed in the Mordian trenches around three weeks ago...
>>40534245Around about 5:3, sir.>>40534252No, no, the wound bleeding is part of this stage of the plan. The flamer comes in later.>>40534257Sorry about that sirs.
>>40534266I'm sure it was a Tyranid, really scary too, it had a gun, and it was saying things rather than screeching. I think they're trying to figure out how to infiltrate our ranks Sir
>>40534253I believe so. We've synced watches and we're just waiting for your lads to go up over the top.Don't worry, Vostroyan! We'll lay down a wall of death...probably for both you and the Tyrannids.
>>40534247Was this 'blue tyranid' perhaps offering you a pamphlet with a circle and a smaller circle in it? Because I've seen a few of those.
>>40534286>>40534294Shapeshifters? I know how to root those out! You just put everyone in a line and then walk down and shoot everyone in the head! The infiltrator isn't a Guardsman, so he'll try to run before getting shot!
>>40534286You're lucky you're good at hand-to-hand, Jenkins, or I'd have you executed for murder...
>>40534306Brilliant sir! The infiltrators won't know what hit them! I'm proud to be a member of the... The... The... What was our number again?
>>40534313We are Penal Legion designation /tg/
>>40534301Yes it was sir, how long has this Tyranid been around? is it a new breed of Zoanthrope? I take it you've killed these beasts before if you know them so well
>>40534313M154... no wait, that's the requisition number for promethium.
>>40534294Very good. We begin assault in... 30 minutes. Are you minding if I stay and observe from here Commissar? I vox my regiment already.
>>40534335Stay if you want, Vostroyan, just be warned that if you're around this bunch too long without Commissariat training, they might actually begin to sound like they're making sense...
>>40534348That's because we are, sir! Here, I'll show the Vostroyan my new equipment handling technique!
>>40534335Would you care for some crispy heretic? There's plenty!
>>40534322Yes I believe they call themselves the... Taurinids. Devious little bastards. Constantly evolving. Trying to get you to join the tyranids, as if we'd fall for that!
>>40534362You have any roast Termagaunt?
>>40534439Gaunt? That one of the bugs? You can check Sarge's sleeping hole. I think he hoards the leftovers.
>>40534393Those would be Tau, Marr...we hate them too, but in a different way...>>40534463WHO SAID GAUNT?! I HATE THAT SON OF A BITCH FOR THE INJUSTICE HE LEVELED UPON ME IN THE PAST!
>>40534463N-no I don't.
>>40534496Be of relaxation friend Commissar. I was merely asking if your men had any roasted termagaunts.>>40534463Thank you, I shall. Searzhant! You have roasted tyranid for me, yes?
>>40534496Sir we're out of Meltagun ammunition.Are we supposed to use lasguns against the nids again sir?
>>40534546I-uh... Who's asking?
>>40533884Thank you, Commissar. Your suggestions have been noted and we'll get right on them.The Colonel would like you to inspect the demo crew to see that they're putting the land mines in the right coordinates.
>>40534589We can use my new weapon technique!
>>40534594I. I am of asking Searzhant. Do not deny me delicious tyranid, I have a mighty need.
>>40534762Heeeeeeeeeey buddy. Enjoying the barbecue?
>>40534769*begins silently eating standard rations through the purpose-crafted opening in his gasmasking*
>>40534621What sort of technique is it?>>40534762Hello Krieger, any melta ammo round your parts?
>>40534794Well, we need to hold our guns in such a way that our bayonets slice open our shoulder as we hold them. We then add ketchup to the wounds, and fall over as we run at the enemy. Once we're face down on the ground, our rifle should be facing the enemy, giving us the perfect chance to shoot at them!
>>40534794*stares blankly, at least it looks as much through the gasmask, then indicates the flamer in his lap and returns to eating*
>>40534719Alright... alright, keep it on the DL, okay? I don't need high command breathing down my neck. Check round the back. We got rippers, we got gaunts galore and a fair bit of warrior left over.
Rolled 10 (1d20)>>40534812Thanks anyway bud.>>40534807You, uhhh do that I guess./*rolling for modifying lasgun for moar powah/
>>40533884Comssir! Begg dig line in dirt! Like you says!
Rolled 18 (1d20)>>40534835Gotta believe harder Stephen.Gotta believe harder.
>>40534831Ha ha! Wery good Searzhant, wery good! Mmm now if only I had some Vostroyan wodka and Vostroyan woman...
>>40535460For all we know the Krieger is a girl but you can never tell under them gasmasks.
>>40536002Pah! Inferior swines! See, here! Here is picture of my Anna! She is being fighting on Cadia against armless fool Abaddon. You see she is best girl! Vostroyan women have no equal!
>>40536175Going to have to agree with the Vostroyan here, sadly. They do make pretty ladies, and skilled ones actually. Best shots I've seen. Rather crap at melee though. My regiment could beat their ass any day, provided we're in close range.
What What chaps! Whose ready for the 15th and definitely final push of this glorious campaign? Evening Commissar!
>>40536493Evening. I'm definitely ready. Lasgun all charged up, same with power packs. Sword re-sharpened, and flak armor re-adjusted. All good.
>>40536175Who cares, a cat is fine too.Or thy would be if *someone* had not burnt them to crispy, apparently delicious deaths.
Sir, I just had a great idea to improve upon Lemmings idea!What if, before we stab ourselves, we equip our lasguns with flash hiders?That way, when we fall over the enemy will have no idea where we are shooting from or where we are, since we appear to be dead!
>>40536974*grunts* So aside from being deprived of sweet hamster pussy for the rest of my hellish life, I also have to spend it listening to idiots trying to overzealously kiss the commissars' ass? He has the ideas, you don't. But you would have realized that if you weren't so busy proverbially uboating.
>>40536974BRILLIANT! Why didn't I think of that?
>>40534013What the fuck is coffee? Do you mean coffein water?
1100100101011100101-Oh, apologies. Salutations fleshbags! A glorious astrological date is it not?I have come before this regiment to begin the Rites of Respect and to appease the great Machine Spirits of your armaments. This will take approximately two hours, twenty-four minutes, eleven-seconds, thirty-eight milliseconds to complete, do not under any circumstance interrupt the ritual, else we will have to start from the beginning.
>>40536533Wonderful. Of course, our boys are all lined up, ready to fire by ranks till the tyranid scum are nothing but an interesting hunting trophy to show to the chaps at the club.
>>40537603There's a club?Can I join, sir?
>>40537648Commissar, why is this ranker talking to me?Gaurdsman! Report yourself to the officer of the day for discipline. Then wash your uniform. Half of it is the wrong colour. I'm fairly certain your regimental colour is not red.
>>40537490I think he meant recaf, must be slang from whatever shithole he's from.
>>40537714Major! Is pleasure. Captain Alexandr Mikhailovich, Vostroyan 231st.
>>40537915Ah! A gentleman. Finally. So good to see someone of class around here.. Remind me to send you over a bottle of Praetorian amsec once the shooting has stopped.
>>40537515*whispers* My patience has a span of exactly two hours, twenty four minutes and twelve seconds.
>>40537953*whispers* once the shooting has stopped and if you're still alive.
>>40538001What was that Gaurdsman? Im sorry my hearing isn't as good as it used to be. Hearing over a million orks screaming at you as you lead a charge towards their Warboss tends to leave you a little deaf.
>>40537763To be fair, the Recaff is what's keeping me personally from snapping and killing you all.That's what got me here in the first place, anyways.
Which one of you low life's took my staff!?
>>40538029I'm sorry major, my voice is hoarse from screaming "for the Emperor" louder than the orks' charge.
>>40538134I'm not sure you were there with me on Basal VI for the glorious advance of the 2nd Praetorian Gaurd. Unless.....
>>40538121Are you talking about the plunger?
>>40538034Woman, please tell me you did NOT just decide to join a male penal regiment. Do you have an idea of the amount of soap dropped here amongst the lads? And how long since we saw ladybits?Or goat-bits, in my case.
>>40538159I fell low, yes. But I would do it all again for one taste of sweet, goaty ... *mumbles off*
>>40534008yes, we are a social poison that befouls all whom interact with us.obviously the correct course of action is to take us of the emperor forsaken battle line in the middle of nowhere and assign us as an honor guard to a team of ambassadors so that we most effectively ruin the enemies of mankind.maybe replace us with some mordians.
>>40538235Ahh yes. I remember you.. now I understand why you are in a penal regiment. The incident with the company mascot, yes?
>>40538179Hrmph, what makes you think I'm going to be the one dropping the soap, hmmm? Muttering: Or, for that matter, that I had a choice about which Penal regiment I got to join? Stupid frakking Commissar, I knew he said it in a weird way. Probably a deviant heretic himself, should have fragged him too . . .
>>40538253She was totally asking for it.
>>40533884I like your hat.
>>40538280ALL HAIL MIGHTY ASTARTES!ALL HAIL!THE EMPEROR'S ANGEL WALKS AMONG US(guys which chapter is he from, I don't recognize the heraldry, specially that weird looking 8 symbol)
>>40538280You seem like a pretty cool guy. Want this staff?
>>40538272You sound cool, I like you. Not in that way though. I prefer them with more hair than you could grow in ten razor-less years.
>>40538279The goat was male, Gaurdsman. That was part of the problem. Assaulting the regimental mascot- 50 lashes. Bestiality- 150 lashes. Sodomy- Transferal to a penal regiment.
>>40538412Glad to see the Imperium still has its priorities straight.
>>40538412Also, I regret nothing. Except getting caught. I told her... him to bite in a cushion if he couldn't hold it anymore. But noooo.
>>40538495And this is why you will not amount to anything as a guardsman. Killing the Regimental mascot is understandable, since goat is delicious to one with such uncultured tastes. But raping it when there were plenty of joygirls near the base.,...
>>40538364Honestly, the full body depilatory treatment was the only high point of getting put here.This isn't even my real hair, it's some strange animal that I picked up while fighting some Orks. Foul fuckers, turns out it's some kind of sim-bot or something. A Magos Biological took a look at it, made a bunch of interesting noises, and then said it was "Mostly harmless" but I have to report in every other week so he can see if it's eaten my brain yet.Damnit, almost out of recaff.The goat story, then. Should have killed it first, no noise and you can use the blood as lube. Also, pretty sure it counts as desecrating a corpse instead of sodomy, and then you just have to convince the Commissar that at least half of them were running away and the rest of your actions were just being filled with hatred at their betrayal of the Emperor.
>>40538599Well at least I am still here, isn't it? Serving the Emperor. I am not so desperate that I fuck my fellow inmates and die of space aids, I don't bother the commissar, I don't stab myself like Lemming here, who each day invents a new, stupid way to die and I don't confuse my flashlight with a fleshlight. And I won't think too hard about why the Imperium is so against sodomy when the Emperor only made sons and male space marines.
>>40538740We all do a little bit of sodomy in school, but it should stop once you join the military Gaurdsman! Anyway, enough of arguing with the rank and file. I will see you on the other side Gentlemen"Exit stage left"
>>40538717Dead, lifeless things are disappointing, Val. At least to me. Were you that one guardswoman that enjoyed rigor mortis a bit too much? I've heard tales.
>>40538769I did NOT want that mental image of the Commissar.
*Sharpens Knife as urge to kill Commisar rises*
>>40533884Reporting in sir!Just finished going over my chainsword and laspistol!
>>40538841What are you doing in a penal regiment? How did you even get dropped here?
>>40538893He's part of the exchange programm our regiments are having.Yeah, I don't know why this is a thing either.
>>40538893*Continues sharpening knife silently*
>>40538922Wait a minute, Catachan knives aren't supposed to need sharpening due to the material they are made from.YOU'RE A FAKE!
>>40538958*Stops sharpening Knife and gives the Lieutenant a "really?" look*
>>40539017Hey, I know my knives, now unless it's for show or a hobby I think I'll be watching you.*Starts sharpening Chanisword*
>>40539100This could be interesting. *sips on recaff*Is it me or is the Commissar awfully quiet?
LET LEMMING BE A SHINING BEACON UNTO YOU ALL, FOR HE MUTILATES HIMSELF IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR!
Commissar, shouldn't you just execute the lot of us and be done with it?
>>40539175Oh god-emperor no, not him, what did I do to deserve this.
>>40539204HELLO, GUARDSMAN! ARE YOU READY TO DIE FOR THE EMPEROR TODAY?! WHAT A WONDROUS MARTYRDOM IT SHALL BE!
>>40539218I have died for the Emperor today, just didn't let it get me down.
>>40539218Now I can't even hear the commissar anymore.
>>40539218Oh sure. I'm never gonna give him up, never gonne let him down, never gonna run around and desert him.
>>40540432Chyort! We are of being fucked my friends!
There... Isn't going to be a storm... Right, guys?
>>40540759What are you even babbling about new guy? Did you pick up too many soaps?
Storms just terrify me... Reminds me too much of Mara. Was convicted for my actions there, you know?
Anyone seen the commissar?
I haven't. Must be checking some other unlucky sods.
>>40541449Speaking of soap... Have any water? My ears feel better with some water in them.
Guys, is it normal for lasguns to have eyes?
>>40542112I suggest you contact that guy with the flamer. Immediately. Before the commissar gets back.
>>40542168Ah man it's got a mouth! It's trying to bite me! It's trying to bite me!
Oy, fellow 'umies.Bein' so hairless and pink is great, yea?Where we gon' be settin' up for fightin'?Gon' wanna put the 'ighest amoun' of dakk- I mean fiapowa on dose xenos
>>40542201Wanna swap guns? That's a cute little thing you have there...
>>40542201Is not lasgun, fool! Is a gaunt, which is good. I was getting hungry again.
>>40542314We've got more important things to worry about, like this lasgun with teeth!>>40542344Take it, take it!>>40542356...lasguns are Tyranids?
>>40542201Just throw it over there, I'll plasma the emperor-damned thing.
>>40542314You remind me of something lewd I did a long time ago.
>>40542344Gibbers, I don't think you're going to last very long, with your sheer stupidity and general PTSD.
>>40542494Catch it! Watch out for the teeth! It's got real big nibblers!
>>40541810Anyone seen the Catachan? You know Commissars tend to die around them.
>>40542314I like you, Nawt, you've got real human sensibilities.For the Emperor!
>>40542636*Shrugs* they say I ain't dumb. Others say I am. But I can say that this little thing is the cutest I have seen since Mara.
>>40542820You really, really need to find something else, that doesn't have a gaping mouth, huge sharp teeth and tries to bite you, I mean.Anyhow, here is my flask. Maybe water in your ears will help. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FRY THE SHIT OUT OF THIS... WHATEVER THIS DARN THING.
>>40542314oh! you must be another Catachan transfer then!
>>40542412>...lasguns are Tyranids?You are having seen before lasgun with teeth, friend?>>40542314This is clearly Ork. *BLAM*
>>40543091I haven't seen anything like that before, but for all I know we could have, like, babies with metal wings and chainswords.
>>40543047Thank you. Finally some peace from the buzzing...
>>4054313Don't those grow up into Dreadnoughts?
>>40543047>>40543137*BLAM*There! Is ded. Now I cook for supper.
>>40543184What, the Ork?
>>40543224No! Tyranid lasgun, fool Guardsman!
>>40543149I would tell you you need to find a girl, since you seem to think that things with fangs and huge mouths are cute, but hey, this is a male penal regiment, so I guess you're screwed. Or you probably will be.Huhu.Get it?
>>40543184Hey wait a second. Guys, what's this circle thingy on the side of it? It's got like, arrows or something. Some sort of birthmark?Wait, did we confirm this was or wasn't a lasgun?How are lasguns made? >>40543243Do Tyranid lasguns normally have circle thingies on them?
>>40543091>>40543224There was an Ork?
*Inspects fortifications**Consults blueprints*...Why is this trench quadrilateral?
>>40543091Hey, Nawt seemed like a good guy.
>>40543243Oh that sounds nice. What's your recipe? Do you let it marinate in wodka for a while before sizzling it over a prometheum fire?
>>40543224Actually, that kinda raises a good question. I mean, if we were hungry enough that is. But what would ork taste like? Would there even be any bad side effects?
>>40543262I dunno why it is been built that way, ask guardsman Lemming, if he hasn't bled out by now. Or our Commissar, but he is no longer responding. Actually that one guardswoman has been absent as well.>>40543251Ah. I swear I have no clue.
>>40543323Don't put ketchup on it, with the red and all.
>>40543250I too thought it was weird at first. Well, in tunnels of Mara you learn to appreciate sharp teeth.
>A small warp gate appears.>Something akin to a macro shell begins to appear>It plops to the ground just outside of the trenches>A closer inspection yields the lettering Life Eater
>>40543324It doesn't look like an Imperial symbol to me. If we're cooking it, we should see if that's just like, dirt or something. >>40543354Ooohhh...shiny.
>>40543324Regardless...it must be corrected.
>>40537515/*coughs nervously*/Nothing wrong with my lasgun sir.Nothing wrong at all.
Who of you has stolen my shovel?How I am supossed to be a Krieger when I don't have a shovel?The protocolls to ensure order and discipline say that I now have to start executing you until I get my shovel back.
>>40543324Wait... Commissar and fool Guardsman and Guardswoman are of disappearing. And Praetorian Major is also of disappearing...>looks at the dead OrkKOMMANDOS! FORM UP FOOL GUARDSMEN! FORM UP! I AM OF LEADING YOU NOW!
>>40543551<even in death I WAAAAAAAAAGH>
>>40543551Reporting in sir! How do we tell what to shoot?
>>40543601It's not digging a new trench in accordance with imperial regulations.
>>40543551Reporting in! So... When will I get magnacles? Usually they restrict my hands at any high-stress situation...
>>40543551Aye sir!/*shot-lassing intensifies*/
>>405436013 SHOTS IN ALL DIRECTIONS! ANYTHING THAT LOOKS STRANGE, SHOOT!
>>40543687Pew pew pew!
>>40543687These field kit inspections get worse every time...now I know what the report meant when it said my predecessor died of stress...
>>40543750Commissar?! You are not being dead?
>>40543687>>40543640*after shooting* Oh thank the emperor, the gun didn't blow up on me.
>>40543750Oh, the commissar. Would you mind inspecting that shell over there, and the weird lasgun?
>>40543750Is it the time to magnacle me again? Or is everything alright?
>>40543750Sir, it is my duty to inform you that your battle lines do not meet expectations.
>>40543724Not in this direction. Do I look like an ork for you?
>>40543832I dunno, Quartermaster, have you always had those tusks?
>>40543750Commissar! DO YOU HAVE THE MELTAGUN AMMO!THIS UHH "LASGUN" IS GETTING OLD!
>>40543832Kommandos are sneaky suckers you know, looking behind every so often saves lives!
>>40543857I wear a gasmask. How can somebody confuse this with tusk, Guardsman Anon?
Has anyone seen the pyromancer? Also, totally unrelated, does anyone have something fireproof I could wear for the next few days?
>>40543953I have water in my ears, if you want some.
>>40543953I've got you. After using a plasmagun for this long, you tend to stock up on fire proof clothing.
>>40543953Improved or additional armour is only to hand out to officers, unless specifically ordered by a supervisor.
>>40543764Of course not, you idiot!>>40543798I'm a disciplinary officer, not a bomb disposal expert! You check them out, and don't drag me into your idiocy!>>40543801Prostate probe and no jelly!>>40543811I'll get my men on it right away! That, or I'll shoot them, whichever comes naturally at the time...>>40543860I AM A DISCIPLINARY OFFICER, I DO THE SHOUTING, NOT YOU! SHOUT AT ME AGAIN, AND I WILL DEPRIVE YOU OF THE LUXURY OF YOUR ARMS!
>>40544038Can we get... Say60 meltas with ammunition.Bet we can kill anything with focused fire from 60 meltas.I can give you the number of this qt3.14 techpriestess in exchange
>>40544038Oh, I was just asking, Quartermaster. Just, uh, smalltalk.
>>40544081Add a new shovel and I will look what is left in the armoury.
>>40544077... Can I have water in my ears during that? The buzzing hurts my head...
Hmm? Oh, uh, it appears we've shuttled down to the wrong side of the planet, Sir. Lets be on our way.
>>40544123Deal./*hands over requisite items*/Yessss
>Suddenly reality begins to warp as another Gate to the immaterium appears>Yet again a shell begins to emerge>As it drops and the gate begins to close again a soft whisper is borne on the wind>"psh..... kid">The maw of madness disappears and all settles back to the way it should be.
>>40544258>Puts the Immaterium up on disciplinary charges.
>>40544286Do we throw krak grenades at it sir?Or psyker bits?I forgot.Nid warrior bits make it flicker though.
>>40544326Let's send the pyromancer to deal with it. I'm sure he can burn it no problem.
>>40544286>The Immaterium refuses to acknowledge you>You are not it's father
>>40544250Ok we have only about two dozen melter in storage. Maybe we can glue some hellguns together or something.
Hey guys, we heard shooting.What the fuck is going on and why is the trench a diamond?
>>40544378>DOES IT ANYWAY!
>>40544565I thought the Krieger fixed that?
>>40544608You mean that guy in the gas mask digging away with the shovel?Isn't that natural Krieger behaviour?
>>40544570I recommend to set up fortifications around the immaterium. Then it won't be able to run away.
>>40544286Commissar! I receive vox from my regiment. They are in position, ready to plant explosive. We are needing immediate cover fire.
>>40544462Thanks quartermaster.Now time to break out the duct tape and twin link me some hellguns!>>40544570Commissar, we've been throwing random stuff at the warphole and so far nothing is happenning.Permission to open fire.
Well, this is a thing
>>40544608>>40544645It's a work in progress.
>>40544653Good idea! Go and do that.>>40544683We'll offer supporting fire just as soon as we've dealt with this...>>40544685Permission granted!
>>40544683Well lads we've got twelve meltas and 3 err "twin-linked" hellguns hop to it.
>Reality begins to fizzle once more as a crack forms in the air above the ordinance....
>>40544788Alright, you get on with that.>>40544794AYE COMMANDER! FOR THE EMPEROR!>*Begins shooting at warp-hole with hellgun"
>>40544794Alright lads, volley fire the meltas on the immaterium on my mark.Hellguns get into position to cover the Vostroyans.321Mark
>>40533884Whel hyello evoreewhan! What are whee doing tooday? Lhats deescuss howor battle plans.
>Disturbances on both planes of reality make the gate flux and tear>Suddenly it opens wider than it ever has and 2 more shells are deposited on the ground>now forming a veritable mountain of deadly ordinance.... or is it?>with that the maw of madness starts to close>It turns out it was just cleaning out it's closet>Rude
>>40544942What the fuck is up with your face? It looks like you ate a box of nails then deep-throated a power-drill.
>>40534057 especially idiotic as lasgun powerpacks ARE at least partially solar
>>40545028>>40544942Is extremely annoying accent. Is this Tallarn?
>>40545028Eez that nhormal? beechause jes I did. Zho, vhat is howor meeshon? >>40544899Can I geet a meltah too?
>>40545141Jes! evoreewhat een Tahlarn dheepthrats dreel beets!
>>40545156>>40545141>>40545028>>40545026I've had enough of this madness for one day...Penal Regiment designation /tg/, and allies, you are dismissed. I'm going to drown my sorrows at the nearest boozer.
>>40545156You'll have to talk to the quartermaster for that lass, all the rest have been taken up by some of the other lads.
>>40545141I've got no idea. I've served with Cadians, Kriegers, catachans and many others. Not Tallarn though.>>40545156Boy, when someone tells you to do something stupid like that your supposed to ignore them, not actually go and do said stupid thing.But in regards to the mission I have no idea, maybe you should talk to one of the officers.
>>40545182*BLAM*Executed for wasting the Emperor's drill bits.
>>40545207Ok then back to my boys in the Elysan sector.>*leaves the trenches and returns to deeper in Imperial lines*
>>40533884(An extremely fit and attractive guardsman armed to the teeth arrives) Commissar! I just arrived off the shuttle! I must have been trained extensively in heavy weapons, hand to hand, spec ops, stealth, mechanicus and was in the top of every field! I am ready and willing to do my part for the Imperi-(A bit of metal from a nearby explosion buries itself in his head and he dies immediately)
>>40545281Oh dear...>reloads his bolt pistolHe tripped.
>>40545207JAY! I've been deesmeesed! >>40545233Ohkhay I ham goeeng to the quar...cwarther...that place to find thee weapons! >>40545261>Scampers away with a serious wound
>>40545207...But the trench...
>>40545356>Waving a pair of trowels enthusiasticallyI wheel help hyu weeth that tranch!
>>40545318Liason!Wanna go Nid hunting?We've got twenty-four bored meltagunners and 5 bored "twin-linked" hellgunners.
Okay, no one panic, but the armory was on fire and there are clear signs of arson. who do we know would want to set fire to our armory?
>>40545396Don't worry Jerry, that's the fake armory where we keep the porn to hide it from the commissar /*pause*/I bet it was the Tallarn duckin prudes taking away our picts and holos of scantily clad women of the imperium.
>>40545388Help me first Searzhant. Organise into firing group and provide cover for friend Vostroyans, da? Da!On my orders.
>>40545641Meltas are lined up and ready for volley fire.Hellguns are split into fireteams ready to flank.On your mark sir.
>>40545499Oh nho! I sahved those before I bhurned the beelding down. I mhean I sahved those peects hyu are speeking af traying to poot the fiyor out.
>>40545281well that didn't take long
*Returns and continues sharpening his knife*
>>40545641I'll drop some superheated distractions for our demolitions guys!
>>40545801I KNEW IT!An ecchlesiarchy spy!Trying to get us away from God-Emperor fearing women.Your faith in the Emperor may satiate your jimmies but for the rest of us he gave pin-ups!Oh God you saved the Marshalls soriritas collection, you monster.>>40545641Just tell us when to stop volley firing at the enemies Liason.
>>40545728>>40545887Firing flare.Here they come men! Hold fire! Hold!
>>40545913Ahm...Jes! I am a high rankeeng spy fohor the eel-lees-starky. Hyu may have thee peects back eef hyu sateesfy my jeemies! Ahlso I may want to keep thee seestor af battle wans.
>>40545141>over voxWe've reached the designated fire base, signal when ready.*annoyed* And the ONE TIME we shoot down your Valkyrie gunship by mistake, and you think anything bad must be tallarn! It is unwise to attribute all bad things to us for that.
>>40545944Don't worry Liason, fire held.Okay worry actually.A fire team reported enemy flankers east of your boys they best run fast or they'll be caught.
>>40546050Flankers? Hope they enjoy flanking fiery death! For the Imperium! *begins laying into the area*
>>40546098>>40546050>Over Vox to Vostroyan Regiment Liason AlexandrHold your fire! Hold your fire! Unit is friendly, repeat, friendly!>Signal cuts out to static
>>40546049We have one of your annoying troopers here if you like to collect them.>>40546050>>40546098Open fire!
>>40546147Oh shit. Reminds me of how I got into this legion.
>>40546187Seems to be a new type of 'nid sir.Trying to pretend it's one of ours.Bet it tastes like chicken
>Quietly moves through cover to get into the barracks unseen.
>>40546298Anyone else feel as if they were in an enclosed structure they would already be dead?
>>40546377OH GOD-EMPEROR IT'S GOT ME! IT'S GOT ME!
>Flanking unit sends up a ceasefire flare>Over voxWere you not briefed before hitting planetside? You're to support our advance from the mountains, targets are friendly!We have casualties now, but none unaccounted for, trooper is not ours.>*indistinct sand-people chatter in background, signal ends.*
>>40546377Do trenches count?
>>40546298Give me back my pants you monster! Those trousers belong to the regiment! *Pew Pew Pew*
>>40546466Ours? I guess, assuming you haven't converted them back to regular old lines.
>>40546490Hiss!>Bursts out of a window with multiple pairs of jeans.
>>40546573You would look pretty on my wall!Meltagunners! Aim low.>>40546464Get your drill bit fellating Emperor-given pin-up hating mongrel.
>>40546539As it stands the trench is now in compliance with the imperial doctrine with ramparts, razorwire, mines,las-cannons,auto cannons and heavy bolters, as well as sleeping holes for the troops and a bunker for officers, do not press the red button unless you are being overrun.Are my services needed elsewhere to ensure the operation is a success and more importantly, up to code?
>>40546619>Roars to the meltagunners and begins climbing the barracks' wall towards the rooftop.
>>40546464I am liaison officer. Go figure. Alright men, cease fire! Desert friends coming in. >trooper is not oursEmperor damn it! I had feeling something was wrong when she not sound like every other Tallarn I know. https://youtu.be/q81O4wXBlD4?t=20s>>40546286Searzhant! Find that spy!
>>40546629Friend Krieger, help fool Guardsman in watch post and shoot that genestealer, yes? Very much, please and thank you.
>>40546629I believe we are good for now.>>40546652 I personally believe that plasma is superior at close combat than you, xenos! *begins firing*
>>40546709GO FUCK YOURSELF I'M THE GUY THAT'S GOING TO BAG THAT PINK-PURPLE PINKO SHIT
>>40546703>Gets hit on the arm and drops the jeans that were being hold by said arm.
>>40546739AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU AIN'T THE ONLY ONE HERE BUDDY! *take a plasma gun and fires akimbo with my las-gun*
>>40546658Alright boys, remember the floozy who burned the "armory".We're hunting her for being a spy, and leaving us only with the Marshalls Sororitas Collection.>>40546703And somebody calm this one down before we get any more friendly fire incidents.
>>40546709It shall be done.
>>40546739>shoots the sergeant in the knee for disrespecting a superior officer from a superior regimentYou are lucky platoon is under-strength, "friend."
>>40546760Meant to link >>40546737>>40546762SHUT UP WE'RE DOING THE KILLING HERE OH YEAH WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO PUT YOU UP FOR THE IMPERIAL MEDAL OF UGLY! WE DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE XENOS, HERETIC OR WORSE -- HERE YOU ARE ALL EQUALLY DEAD
>>40546784AAAAAAARRRGGGHHH...oh wait my legs are fine. Thanks for knocking some sense into me, sir. *Keeps shooting akimbo with plasma-gun and lasgun.*
>Leaves empty-handed of jeans, yet covered in human blood from multiple soldiers from the barracks. The only survivors left on the barracks are awkwardly pale and can't remember anything from a genestealer assault
>>40546658>Over voxPreliminary observation of the lowland fortifications show some kind of depot. The unknown enemy appears to be amassing large quantities of oil and flour dough...Our position is compromised at the moment we'll reroute to nearest cliff overhang.
>>40546902Uh...*drops plasma gun* What the fuck happened? How did it get away? The hell?
>>40546928Could ya cut off that Genestealer while rebasing? Still lookin for the fake Tallarn
>>40546939*Retrieves my Plasmagun* I believe in your haze of rage you may have been seeing a bit wrong. You did manage to royally screw up the trenches though.
>>40546993Uh, yeah...At least it was fun. I should try to procure a plasma-gun from the armory, would be great. Is there any spare set of pants? I think I wet myself.
>>40547052Well, the girls haven't returned so I hope you like skinny jeans.
>>40546966I ordered Krieger to shoot it. Krieger always follow orders. His problem now.>>40546928Anything new, Lieutenant?
>>40547111You! Searzhant! You do not bring back corpse. Where is spy?
>>40546036>>40545913I'll get those data slates back! Whatever it takes! Don't worry comrades! We will have our pinups and smut! She just wants me to follow her into the store room.
>>40547111I think I'll stick to wet pants, thank you very much.>>40547113So, sir...what now? This probably means there's some Tyranids in this planet. And where there's Tyranids, there's their ships. I think we need to call the Navy.
>>40547145Sir, melta guns don't really leave a lot of corpses.On the flip side we ambushed some warrior forms with the hellguns!
>>40547156>just wants me to follow her into the store roomIf he come out alive, either I kill him myself or recommend for promotion.
>>40547141>Tries to loose the krieger by hiding into an empty fuel tank
>>40547195...Hmm...tracks...*Proceeds to dig trench around empty fuel tank*
>>40547180Navy en route, fool Searzhant. Remains to be seen if planet is kill or not.
What with all these unexpected tyranids, I think we should warn the other regiments.
>>40547186Tyranid warriors? Or fool Tallarn warriors?
>>40546966We're 3 klicks out, but will observe.
>>40547291Weren't we sent here to fight nids?>>40547302Tyranid warriors I think their trying to find a hole in our lines but the quadrilaterals are throwing them off.
>>40547113Forward observation reports the smell of confections! Can you confirm?
>>40547190>>40547156He hasn't come out in a while, and I heard some screaming...I'm taking squad 4 into the store room to make sure everything is ok
>>40547352>the quadrilaterals are throwing them off>holds his head in hand... Wery good Searzhant. Bring corpses with you. I bring some back to regiment for feast.
>>40547370I think I smelled some bacon earlier, but that's about it, spoiled bacon maybe?
>>40547388>>40547190>>40547156I...I got our smut back. I was able to escape while squad 4 distracted her...I think I need a shower.
>>40547370>Is nice to work with professional regiment right now>Even if regiment is Sand RatsDa! Confirming sweetness in air. What are you seeing, friend?
>>40547405Will do sir, will do.Lads get the barbeque pit ready, we're not having ration bars tonight!
>>40547444>gets the porn back>gets tripsGuardsman! Front and centre, this instant!
>>40547444I want you to recite the Litany of Protection. Now. I don't want to waste a charge pack on you, guardsman. We still have a situation here.
>>40547459Can I get my tyranid very well done?
>>40547444You're a hero guardsman, you do your brothers proud./*sheds a single tear*/
>>40547482*Trench finished**Charge empty fuel tank**For the Emperor**Ventilate fuel tank with mighty 8 gauge**It's empty**There are two Empty fuel tanks*Uh-oh.
>>40547412This is secure channel, who is this?>>40547405Emperor preserve us! They're rolling citizens in dough down there! Those aren't just captured workers! They've converted the manufactorum into some kind of sacrificial bakery!Alexandr we potentially have the taint of chaos, please advise!
>>40547524Why did you fire at the fuel tanks?! Great. Now we have a vehicle put out of the fight.>>40547539What?! You ain't fucking with us?!
>>40547482Yes! Right away!>>40547488But seargant, I really. REALLY. need to bathe myself. I don't think its optional at this point. And the Vostroyan wants to say something to me. >>40547512It came at great sacrifice...I'm not sure squad 4 will make it.
>>40547539I vox my regiment for reinforcements. You call for artillery strikes on manufactorum coordinates, da? Purge them with the Emperor's holy ordnance Lieutenant.
>>40547539We're piling the explosives on the Hellgunners be there in 10 minutes.
>>40547539I um PSSHHHTT interference PPCCHHT cant hear you PPCCCHHHT
>>40547524>Crawls behind the lonely krieger, opening its mouth, showing the so feared ovipostor "tongue"
>>40547620*xeno tries to force tongue through mask*I feel dirty.
>>40547594Just say it please. I don't want some weird Chaos shit roaming around. And she was sketchy. I don't think she was even with us from the beginning.After that, we check everyone if the Genestealer had infected anyone.
>>40547652>Uses its claws to break the gasmask
>>40547620OH SHIT THERE IT IS DIEDIEDIECOMETASTESUPERHEATEDPLASMACAUSEFUCKYOU *Picks up nearby plasma-gun and charges, firing potshots at it*
>>40547594You have performed admirable service to your regiment Guardsman. As acting commanding officer I promote you to Second Lieutenant of this Penal Regiment /tg/.>pulls out a hotshot pistol charge packTake it. You will need it for... "enforcing discipline.">looks at the porn stack and notices a photo sticking outWHICH ONE OF YOU TOOK MY ANNA?! WHO WAS IT?!
>>40547706>Turns around and roars at the guardsman, pushing the krieger away.>Begins charging at the guardsman, claws ready to slash its target
>>40547685My uniform! Vile xeno, how dare you violate my regulation uniform, you shall suffer for your disregard of the Imperium's dress code!*Draws sword-dagger*For the Emperor!
>>40547738>blasts it with his bolt pistol and it dropsTHE BUG CAN WAIT! WHO STOLE MY ANNA FROM ME?
>>40547721Sir the attack on the chaos bakery is commencing better get ready.Alright lads, no matter what they say, 10 kilos of exotic explosive strapped on to hellgunners and meltagunners is a good idea!Now sneak, sneak under cardboard boxes.FOR THE EMPEROR!
>>40547738AHAHAHA YOU AIN'T GETTING AWAY THIS TIME *Throws the plasma-gun before it can overheat, and takes out the entrenching tool, hacking and slashing the creature, adrenaline keeping him numb to the pain*
>>40547757Don't look at me I'm indecent, someone get me a mask!*Pitifully claws at the dirt trying to make a security trench*
>>40547785Aw shit, >>40547757 beat me to the punch. Guess I wouldn't die gloriously today.
>>40547861Nyet. Cyka, ich fabelhafte. OK, I'm just fucking with you. Of course, we should make a new thread.
>>40547721Right away! Thank you! but what if I don't want to shoot my friends? >>40547674actually sarge now that you mention it she had what looked like chaos markings on her...never mind she didn't because if she did that would mean I saw them and if I saw them I'd be blammed for heresy, so no she's cool.