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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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"Oh my God, this guy is just creepy."
>"I know, right? It looks like the Burger King mascot got pregnant, and the abortion didn't quite take."
"I wanna kick his head off, but I'm afraid a swarm of carpenter beetles will start pouring out."
>"Better set him on fire, just to be safe."

In reference to pic related.
"Dagobert has never tasted such a delicacy as spaghetti before, and has begun smearing it all over his face in ecstasy."
"What happened here?"
>"You frenzied."
"...Where's my suitcase?"
>"About half a mile that way."
"Why did you throw my bag?"
>"I didn't throw your bag."
rolling 1d20+1 +1
= 22
Dändän Master: Fuck
Confirm crit
Valda Rogar: rolling 1d20+1 +1
= 22
Dändän Master: WHAT THE FUCK
Valda Rogar: I AM A GOD
Dändän Master: You crush the Ghoul so hard the fucking temple shakes
Valda Rogar: Can holy light shine in
Dändän Master: A boulder falls from the roof and crushes the ghoul again
Dändän Master: Jesus fuck
Overkill much
Creel Lamplight: victory music
El Hombre de Pluma: congrats! Pluma is no longer an atheist

Centaur, greeting an NPC: "Hi, I'm a centaur!" Ellylon perched on the centaur's head: "And I'm her hat!"

Lamia and crystalforged as soon as they step out of a portal and meet for the first time.
Crystalforged: "I look at the lamia."
Lamia: "I look at the crystalforged. Have I ever seen anyone like this?"
DM: "No."
Crystalforged: "Have I seen anything like her?"
DM: "Nope."
Crystalforged: "Roll for staring contest! 18!"
Lamia: "Okay. 16!"
Crystalforged: "I like you, my character shakes the lamia's hand and nods, congratulating her for nearly beating someone who doesn't actually have to blink in a staring contest. I am very impressed. You are obviously someone worth meeting."

Lamia cleric: "I climb onto the rock and loudly yell out; Praise the sun for he warmeth the rock for all! I proceed to sunbathe on the rock."

[After murdering at least three people]
Ranger: "No, no, I'm chaotic neutral, leaning evil."
[murders another guy]
"Still leaning evil."

Human fighter and aspiring crime fighting town guard, praising her adoptive father, a minotaur fighter, who himself was adopted by priests: "Some day I'll be as huge and just as he is, you'll see!"

DM: The orc manages to get loose from his shackles!
Daughter: "I wrestle him into submission!"
Minotaur: "I watch from nearby!"
Rogue:"You're not going to help?"
Minotaur: "Naw, she's got this."
>DM: Roll grapple check.
Daughter: "17 and I have improved grapple!"
Rogue: Why does she have improved grapple?
Daughter: "Her dad taught her to subdue criminals nonlethally, and that was where her extra feat for being human went."
Minotaur: "Yep."
>DM: Success, the orc is pinned.
Minotaur: "That's my girl. Good job, Cleo!"
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Giant Gorilla: How did you get here, small one? And why do you smell of seawater?
Sid: We essentially have these things called boats.
Giant Gorilla: Tell me more of these..."Essentialies."
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DM: A rebar pole is launched at you going 90-ish miles per hour.
PC: I wanna attempt to catch it
DM: Y-you what?
PC: Let me try
DM: You're holding something already
PC: I have teeth
That's fantastic.
"I'm going to flip him... with my horn." Quote from half man, half Hercules beetle.
> NPC Pirate
> Paladin tries to lift the cannon off the deck (presumably to throw it at someone) and fails.
> Shrugs "Fucking Paladins"
>Swings Sword and it bounces of the Paladins heavy armor.
> "FUCKING paladins!"
This occurred just after a brief melee with some bandits in the middle of a forest.

"So you never thought to bring any food? You never asked yourself if, on a week-long expedition that you'd need something to eat."
"No, between the map and survival gear it must've slipped my mind"
"So what exactly do you expect to eat Mr. Survivalist?"
"Well, I never thought I'd cross 'eat people' off my bucket list."
>"When I told you last month that you kicked it into next month, did you think I was just being metaphorical?"

>"the three of you slowly walk away, unflinching as the fortress behind you explodes in alchemist's fire and black powder. Hell yeah, motherfucker."

>"congratulations, the golem has successfully been tethered. Now you have to remember to feed it, water it, take it outside to do its business, and find an apothecary willing to give it a shot for fleas and rabies."
"Your daughter? OOOOOOOH. I thought you were her pimp."
Nigga that Lamia is fucking adorable.
>in response to being asked where the human children are
"They fine, we purchased them. They ours now"

>sitting around a fire made out of a burnt down cabin
"what do hummie lava eat?"
"Just feed her the others"
>precede to feed her cooked friends to the child

"Quick, Cunnin (PC) cut my eye out"

"10 silver says the wolf makes him his bitch"

>When meeting humans for the first time
"Wait...who here knows common?"
"I've got this, a halfling taught me how to speak with gummies...OI YOU SHITS!"
And my personal favourite
>"Did we just buy a fucking boat off of a retard for 10 Oreos?"
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Everybody was talking shit to each other or saying something batshit crazy / stupid CONSTANTLY.

>"I don't think about all possible outcomes before I do something. Because I don't want you to think I'm stupid."
>"You're average for your race, but not stupid. Granted, you've got a long way to go before you'll be close to my level of intellect, but you worry about that later."

>"It innae my fault! I've got multiple personalities!"
>"You twit, you're too sober to know the meaning of the word 'multiple'!"

>"It's racist. White's the 'good' color, so of course white's gonna move first. As opposed to using a game of chance beforehand to decide upon it, or even a display of skill to determine who deserves the right to make the first move."
>"You know that you could just roll dice to see who goes first."
>"That doesn't seem to be the popular ruleset. It's usually 'white first', nothing else."
>"You don't always have to follow popular rulesets."
>"I'm aware."
>"And what do you care if it's racist?"
>Still leaning evil

All I could think about was this bit.
"Is this really the right time to drink rum, you half-witted harlot?"
"Is there a BETTER time?"

--Convo between Dwarven Artificer and Scyllan Pirate mid-combat with large half-man half-machine magical nuke cannon.
>tfw you see people from your gaming group on 4chan.
Our captain after capturing enemy ship, which happened after one MIA (player drop out and DM was forced to send his character to the zoo) and tricky hostage situation:
>Wait, you sure we are good guys of this story?
"You pull a trigger on the mystical small boomstick. You miss but it feels really good."

Be fair, Cyclops is shooting Sebastian Shaw - whose power is to take kinetic energy from what hits him. And Cyke knows that at this point, so yeah. (Plus, if I remember the story correctly he's actually an illusion? Or something)
>shooting a group of vampires with a rocket launcher
"and the last thing they see before final death is a flopy, flacid, pasty white kyasid dick...I hate you all"
> you meet 3 travelers on he road.
"Walk up and greet them."
>upon closer inspection you see they are 3 scarred and burned soldiers, at each belt is tied a finger bone
-mumbles-:thats all that was left in the end.
-whips a hard cover The Bonehunters at tony-
Tony:"worth it."
"The door boasts open"

"State your business."
'We're here to destabilize the throne."
"...okay, can you come me for a minute?"
For some context, we were hired by the fey queen to literally shorten one of the legs of the throne to make it wobbly.

My character was doing some sort of test were he had to fight an exact copy of himself.
"You dishonor yourself by following those weaklings into battle"
"You dare dispute my honor?"
"I am you, so you are disputing your own honor!"
"You dishonor me by making me dispute my own honor!"

"We'll be infiltrating your base soon, so we need passwords, IDs, patrol scheduels, uniforms, and... do you know morse code?"
"Uhh... yeah, why?"
"Because it'll make it a lot easier to beg for death after what will happen to you if we don't get what we need"
The GM counted that as a nat 20 intimidate.

"No, you're not supposed to be here!"
Nat 20 bluff
"Okay, we leave."

>I am the one who fellates The Giver.

DMPCs are bad. When that's part of their introduction speech, it's worse.
"You get stabbed in the head and your corpse just goes sliding around the floor like some giant retarded penguin."
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The Wizard/Team Leader with houseruled Dragon Disciple levels is exploring the requisite temple ruins with the party late game. Due to character reasons, he's hiding his draconic features with a hat of disguise. Nobody in the party knows.
He wanders off to work on requisite temple puzzle with the cleric, a kobold, in tow. He solves the puzzle, bathing the two of them in magical light. The light reveals the wizard to be part dragon.
> Cleric: "... uh. ... your scales are showing."
Wizard has a momentary freakout moment.
> Wizard: "Oh! Well, clearly it's because the temple builders worshiped dragons. As you can see, the architecture is everywhere. Very interesting, yes."
The wizard rolls an impossibly high and lucky bluff check that the cleric has no chance of possibly beating.
> Cleric: "Oh. Okay."
The cleric rolls a simple Spellcraft check.
> Cleric: "... I didn't know True Seeing could do that."
What was the context here?
Exchange between an NPC and the party catgirl
>NPC: I have hyper-amplified olfactory senses along with the ability to detect and differentiate spirit energy by scent.
>Catgirl: So you smell really good?

Another with that same group
>Party is putting together a plan to storm the castle of Loki
>Reaper-bro: Alright, where can I find half a dozen barrels, a tar pit, and 200 pounds of feathers?
To the Demonic Archduke Forneus
>Hi, Mister Fornicater!
"Ok. . . So we need to make the vengeful deathknight fall in love with the autistic vampire."
GM: "The old warlock offers to summon a fiend in which to bind the fading [macguffin], he states that he could also try a celestial, but that your enemies will certainly be able to track you down easier that way."
A Player: "I tell him it's ok, summon a devil though so it can at least be reasoned with."
GM: "The warlock nods solemnly and goes about the ritual, wishing you luck on the burden soon to be thrust upon you."
Same Player: "When he's done I stab him in the back. . . Crit."
GM: "What!? why?"
Player: "Dude is summoning devils, that's some shady shit."
GM: "ok. . . he dies."
Another Player: "Fuuuuck, if he was actually an antagonist he would have had more hitpoints."
Player: "aw shit you're right."
GM: ". . . you now have a devil possessed [macguffin] and no clue what to do with it."
Player: "I cut off his head so we can speak with dead and apologize and ask him for further advice later."
They probably bought a boat off of a retard for ten oreos.
You post it in every thread but I will never fail to laugh
>I zip myself up and hop down from the coffin.
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Yeah, but it's specifically the 'You are shooting people because?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Pete. I'm an X-Man. X-Men don't shoot people."
>Shoots Shaw again
>"Did everyone die AGAIN? This is the third time today!"
Online campaign over voice chat via Skype
We're discussing guy stuff, in and out of character, and how it's a total sausage-fest in-character.

The female player in our group speaks up and says "I have boobs you know!"

We had forgotten the person with a very feminine voice was female in and out of character
>"No fuck that, I throw Stubbs at it."
>"Is it tea time again?"
>I've had worse burning sensations than this.
Party ranger on why he doesn't care that the cursed sword is slowly scorching his hand.
>My sideburns bristle menacingly.
>Oh fuck we forgot the fishtank didn't we.
>The Bender is here to fight the mountain.
>We reach down and drag him without stopping. "Will I take damage from that?" DM: No, I won't make you take any from that

>You guys are the worst secret society ever.
last one said after one of the 3 members of said society forgot his recognition phrase, and then the party clown is revealed to also be a member.
Even if there is no God or Buddha, I believe in Kamen Rider.
"When have I ever done anything wrong?"
"Well, there was that time you threatened to shoot a baby."
"I was bluffing!"
"The bathtub crashes into the piano, and the fighter finally stops his deadly waltz."

"Wow, that's some scary damage to the head, and that's non-lethal?"
"... Shit."
"Look, I just think that dead people should stay dead instead of walking around and killing live people. That's a not very controversial opinion, is it?" (Hunter: the Vigil)
>"We did it, guys! We saved the town!"
>"But what about those hostages?"
>"Keyword being, 'Were'."
If you still want context I can send you a link to a write up that someone in our group did.
Oh please do, I love reading the story behind events like that.
>"and then we dick-kiss lady and the tramp style with the wand in both of our uretheras"
and that's how i found out you don't spit up the party.
>The looming form of the wolfen party member, his three piece suit caked with the blood of the entire platoon of 12 guards, returns to you
>"That, you elvin harlot, is why I am the party leader and why you distract VIPs in a allwyway behind the dumpsters. Now clean yourself up, would you? I like my company to have the illusion of class.
>After beating up a group of mercenaries
Mercenary: "So, what are you going to do with us?"
Sorceress/Warlock: "Is friendship an option?"
Mercenary: "...If you pay us."
Sorceress/Warlock: "Do you take payment in hugs? Ah, screw it, free hugs for everyone!"
She then proceeds to hug everyone.
They accept their payment.
"Can we please not take her with us?"
"Why? She fucking ate my cat, that's why!"
"Don't freak out now, we'll deal with it somehow."
"I'm just worried what kind of bullshit she's gonna do next."
"Shut up, you're not helping."

It makes sense in context.
>"So you are attacking instead of trying to make yourself not on fire anymore?"
>Jedi Knight NPC: Why do you have the taint of the darkside upon you?
>Jedi PC: I left a defeated (and helpless) enemy to a slow death by re-entry in only a suit.
>Jedi Knight NPC: .....
>Jedi PC: It's ok, I only did it because I wanted to take his ship for myself.
"Why is the 21st century's worst mass murderer eating pizza in your lounge?"
"The the immediate reason is because no one delivers tacos, but the ultimate reason is, the Warhound is in truth my oldest and closest friend."
"...that's horrifying."
"I'd say he's nicer once you get to know him, but that would be a lie."
"I mean, from both angles. It's like...finding out Sauron and Cthulhu are drinking buddies."
"...some would take that as a compliment. I choose to do so, this time."
"No, really, between your resources and his power, how have you two not either conquered or destroyed the world?"
"Our acquaintance is not a business relationship. We've collaborated on small operations, but a full partnership would present certain...(interrupted by a shout of "OH, FUCK YOU YOU MONKEY FUCKER!" and a burst of sub-machinegun fire.) difficulties. I see he's found an episode of 'The Big Bang Theory'; send up for another TV, will you?"

Conversation between not-Lex Luthor and his secretary, in regards to not-Lobo.
Sorry not letting my post a link. If you're still interested though you could Google Sword and Scoundrel: Orc Quest: Series Index.
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Different anon from that group, stupid 4chan thinks the link is spam. Here's a screen cap for what you should look for
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"I'm going to skull-fuck you."
>says the group's paladin.
"Aren't you a fuckin' paladin?"
>asks the dm, frowning.
"Oh, I'm sorry, what I meant to say was: I'm going to lawfully skull-fuck you."
>replies the paladin.
"That's some scary looking armor."
"I know, I got it from the Death Knight I just destroyed bare chested with a club."
"Oh, huh, I guess that's something, you know I saw a skeleton once."
You gotta love how people treat you after you've been around for months and have killed dragons, ogres, a goblin underground civilization, a purple worm, and have fought all the evil things trying to kill them, and they still treat you like a kid who shot a squirrel with a slingshot.
Did the fire spread?
Yeah, I never actually have NPCs do that in games I run. Maybe levels 1-3 (or the equivalent in classless systems), they'll get trivialized. Beyond that, they start to become a name to conjure by, and that gets acknowledged. Unless the NPC has a legit reason not to know of the rumors swirling around, or is the type to downplay their opponents' skill. Don't use many of the latter, though; my villains are more "praise the skill of the foe, so it's all the more glorious when I triumph" type.
I had gone from levels 1 to 13 in that town, and only a few NPCs EVER have acknowledged the stuff we've done.
Also, that's a good way to play villains, but you shouldn't fellate your players too much, but never give them no credit for what they've done.
Well, yes, because the party rogue kept 'helping' by throwing jars of oil everywhere.
Well, it's saved from the level of fellatio because their are always NPCs on their tier, and they're exalted just as much. A contact might acknowledge that "Nobody says you invented murder, but they do claim you found three new ways to do it", but still warn them to stay well the fuck away from Brindle and Calico Kane, because they are far worse than them.

It winds up making for this theme where living legends keep meeting and weighing the rumors and stories surrounding each other, while pondering that eternal question, "Can I take 'em?". I admit, I am a big fan of Simon Green, I fucking love that dynamic. Players have gotten into it too, so that worked out.
>"Sir, what are you doing out past curfew..."
"I'm looking for horseshit, it only blooms at night."
"This sword was forged from ruby-silver and tempered in hellfire, eons before your civilization arose. With it I have slain heroes, and gods. Its full name is an epic poem, but in your tongue, the sobriquet 'Life's Lament" would be the closest translation".
"Okay. This sword was forged from quantum energy, immediately before I started talking. With ones just like it I've killed demons and monsters; my share of gods, too. Its name is 'Schneidbrenner', but in my native tongue, Cutting Torch."
"Hmph. A passable introduction. It seems there's something of a gentleman in you after all, human."
"You are about to be proven very wrong on that count, fairy."
Oh, and cue epic battle immediately after that exchange. My PC won, incidentally.
From tonight!

>"I already untied myself while you were talking about how we were going to escape."

The party rake, right before kissing the huge fucking knight and leaving him to be untied last.

>"I remember you. I told you that you were going to die screaming."

The aforementioned huge knight, talking to the guy that was taking them captive. He still had his leg in a splint and was leaning on a cane from their first encounter. This got him punched in the face before being thrown in the locked wagon.
11/10 GMing
>So, do you have any last words?
Just five: Ars Soma, Tier Three...
>You know, this is tending rather less towards the obscene than I would have expected.
>What? Oh no! (*bludgeoned with a semi-truck*)

>Not bad, mortal. But for all your brutal power, there you lie. Beaten. Broken. Humbled. What say you now!?
Ars Soma...Tier two...
>The hell you do! (*starts throwing hellfire and magic lightning*)
(*flash step behind her) ACCELERATOR! (*spinning backfist+roundhouse kick across four city blocks*)

>Okay. This was...a bad day. Just go home, tend to these wounds, get ready for the next fight, and put this all behind.
Ars Soma...
>...I will give you so much money if you don't do what you're think-
Tie One!
>...at a certain point you're just beating up a defenseless wom-
>No no no please no don't no stop hurting me no no no no no!
...go home. Stop fucking around.
>Yes. Yes, sir.

And that was the day Circe learned not to fuck with Justice League 2.0.
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>Elf Fighter: how is a skeleton wearing armor? wouldn't the weight just crush you?
>Undead Fighter: You caught me, im actually a half-skeleton
>Elf Fighter: So a Ghoul?
>Undead Fighter: Shut your whore mouth...

>Witch: Basically anything is expendable to a magic user
>Witch-Hunter: Even lower level magic users?
>Witch: Your one step forward in understanding the world of magic

>GM: The group of peasants reveal themselves to be mimics in disguise
>Rogue: Imma go set up camp
(He did this in almost every encounter)
Every peasant in the country was secretly a mimic?
no but that would've been horrifying
>Dat mimic lady
I would.
I was a Elf Druid impersonating an Elf Hating civilization's greatest man ever who I had convinced was totally me.
It was glorious
Togusa: Okay, guys, I don't wanna make a scene, here.
Motoko Kusanagi: And yet you're talking.
Togusa: But I feel a little bit outclassed coming into this next firefight.
Batou: Tell us about it.
Togusa: I mean you're all top of the line military cyborgs, and I'm stock-human other than the cyber-brain and my right knee.
Batou: I blame hiring quotas.
Togusa: It's just that, just for reference, our sniper is currently dual-wielding anti-material rifles I couldn't even lift.
Saito: Through rote mastery of the gun-kata, you will increase your firing efficiency by no less than 120%.
Togusa: While all I've got is this antique handung. I seriously don't see what I can contribute to this operation.
Batou: You know, when I said the same crap, HR made me take a sensitivity class.
Kusanagi: Batou, quit being racist. Saito, wrong dystopia. Yamcha, quit bitching. You'll do fine. And...BREACH!

From our monthly GURPS game. I'll regale /tg/ with the full story once it wraps up.
*antique handgun
Boss: "Sounds about as sexy as a blue waffle!"
Barbarian: *Raises Hand*
Barbarian: *Lowers hand*
Yes, you must storytime.
In time, anon, in time. Campaign ain't over yet; we've only referenced Motoko's side-job as a pornstar like, three times.
Honestly, it helps that we're approaching it less like an RPG than a collaborative improve comedy with a month of downtime to punch up dialog, with GM powers temporarily ceded to players on the basis of "This next one will be *really* funny". As an introduction to GURPS, I think we could do worse.

Still no scratch on our "Slayers Abridged" D6 campain, though.

...I am blessed with a group of experimental weeaboo /tg/ comedians.
"I can't fly a boat." - Hans Gruber 1979 - 2009. RIP may the hammer in your head guide you to a better place.
NPC: Give my younger self this message *kisses PC*
PC: You'll have to put the message in my bag yourself as I can't reach it.
>We encounter a gorgon described as being 'quite beautiful'
"I swear to god I will backstab the first person who says they're gonna seduce her."
>The town lord is handing out our boons for clearing the dungeon
>In character:
"Is this a bad time to remind everyone that we came here to burn this city down?"
>I can't remember the context for this one
"Either I throw Nubnub (our goblin follower) at him or he shits in the street. Your choice"
>Misc quotes
"It has to be a trap, no book just 'sits' in a dungeon"

"How much can a vorpal toothpick possibly cost?"

"Charm person is much more effective if you actually know the spell."

"What do you mean I can't intimidate him? I'm riding a giant fucking mantis that just ATE all of his friends. I'm rolling to intimidate."
"Do not fuck the gnome."
>"I roll to fuck the gnome."
>*Rolls* "I rolled a 15."
DM: "You fuck the gnome."

DM: "You come across a large fan, clearly part of the ventilation system. It's moving too fast for you to simply walk through, and there's nothing around to stop it."
>"...I stick my dick in it."
*From another room*"GODDAMNIT!"
Transporter accident style dick swap?
Player got body swapped into a golem. Who cares about genital safety when your dicks made of stone?

And the gnome was another characters in game Mom.
Better question:

Why the fuck does a golem have a dick?

Thats... a good question.

I think the DM decided to just let the player run with it. He'd have just used an arm or something if they'd said no.
what was the golem made out of?
Part of a wall from a dungeon we were in. Bad dude set up the walls so that golems were built into it.

sandstone dick

oh god the chafing
One time a GM threw a violent yandere at my friend's character, and played it out realistically as he could. I can't remember the exact quote but,

>"I might have cut off her limbs and locked her in an underground bunker with only a golem to take care of her, but in my defense she did it to me first."
>"So it's kind of like an anniversary gift."

It somehow ended with double regenerating yandere with a huge amount of twisted and fluffy feelings. Which is my magical realm and they both knew it.
Can I join your party? Please?
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Monk: Are you ready for the fight of your life?
Bard: Yeah... I pull out my harmonica.
That conversation gave me flashbacks to Man Comics. NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE.
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We heard sounds coming form behind a door earlier. Then, there were footprints around the door.
> "Okay, wait, how many sets of footprints are there?"
> Just one
> "And do they leave n' come back, or just go in?"
> They only enter, they do not leave
> "Alright; we've got two bogies right now."
Another Anon:
> "how do you figure?"
Everyone else:
> "..."
> mfw
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Same guy:
Room we heard the sounds coming from
We're hiding by the entrance bc we don't see anyone
GM describes a huge table in the middle of the room w/ wooden cups, bone dice, and plates of meats in the center of the room we heard the noises coming from earlier
That Anon:
> "I walk up to the table, climb onto the chair, and inspect the dice."
> all other player's faces: image related
> GM: Okay
> "Are they magical?"
> No, they're simple bone dice. Anyway, everyone roll initiative.
>Lamia cleric: "I climb onto the rock and loudly yell out; Praise the sun for he warmeth the rock for all! I proceed to sunbathe on the rock."
Cuteness overload right here.
>after a large amount of plastic explosive is ruined
"Shit, it's that Wispy guy!"
"Dude, fucking kill him!"
>Hey Kid. Wanna leave your family behind and serve me?
I seduce the door.

He's so bad at magic it's almost like he's good.
The group comes to a halt at a draw bridge in a dark dungeon. After spending a while trying to lower it a 10 foot talk Troll rises up and gives us a complex riddle too bad we can't fucking understand him. We spent a bit trying to decipher the riddle in this foreign tongue. I walked right up to the troll and to answer the riddle.
Troll restates his riddle
"Fuck you, I'm shotgun knight!" With that statement I squeezed my trigger, the only thing harder than the force I squeezed the trigger was my erection while doing so.
The shot did nearly no damage.
<tl;dr "Fuck you, I'm shotgun knight!"
You swing to hit
roll 2
DM: Ok you fuck up the air, you fuck it up so bad that the cops have to come and stop the domestic violence going on between you and the air.

DM: you are drowning, roll to not.
ME: Nat 20
DM: You managed to not only not drown but you kick from the bottom of the lake and shoot out like a majestic fucking dolphin, catching the awe of the sea dragon and the other, the dragon claps
ME: the sea dragon has hands?
DM: It does now, you helped it to evolve to have hands, good job darwin is trying to kill you now, he managed to come to life and crawled out of the grave to do this
ME: Shit.
"Okay, you know what? Yes. Yes, the olive oil is magical. You get a +1 on any Craft: Cooking checks you make with it."
"Dude, your dragon daughter is hot. Can I fuck her?"
"I didn't know that I'd make such a low roll on homosexuality."
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"Clearly the lifeguards were off duty when you slipped into the gene pool"
>"Let's kill him."
>"No, we can't just kill him! I'm neutral good; we'll enslave him."
"Are you lost in thought? It must be unfamiliar territory!"
Elf Face, Ghoul Adept and Troll... Infiltrator?

Kidnap shitty slum ganger, try to interrogate him to learn if his boss is actually at the location we think he is.

"If you think I'm tellin' you shit, you're wrong, pal. I ain't squealin' to a ghost, a ghoul and a goblin."
>Well I'd cool it with the racial slurs, sir, my associates might get angry with you.
"I ain't afraid of no fuckin' zombie!"
>Sir, really, he's just skin-challenged.

From the front seat, Gob chimes in.
>I get enough skin in my diet, it's fine.
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Scene takes place in a one on one duel in THE PAINDRAIN, an Underhive Colosseum.

>"Woah Vic, did you see see that? Looks like our walk on contender won't be doing any more walking!"
>"I don't think he'll be doing any breathing either, Ken."
>"It's hard to breathe when a powerfist obliterates your face I hear."
>"Right you are ken! Let's congratulate our winner, Mr. Lister the Sister Fister!"
"I set a script to repeat I am Okay every few seconds"


Moments later
"What does the script say in this room?"
"I am Fine"

"Okay....wait WAIT SHIT"
>"To get an invitiation, we'd have to present the guy something in his interest. Probably something expensive or historical."
>"Wait a fucking moment, we could borrow the sign of that bar at the market!"

Que planning around using a V-2 rocket as an escape vehicle.
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>You know the growth spell, right?
>Use it on me, I want to use that corpse to sound with
(uses spell)
>(my character puts goblin corpse in urethra)
(Cast growth again on the goblin in my dick, I die from blood loss)
>Now my dick looks like an exploded cartoon shotgun
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>Mr. Lister the Sister Fister!
A smeggin' good name, that.
These are great, and my sides approve.
PC playing a true-neutral, human druid that instead of being relatively impassive, balances good acts with bad and vice versa. Small party consisting of an Elf Sorceress, Gnome Assassin, and a Minotaur Barbarian.

>right as a surprise combat encounter with low-level skeletons occurs
-DM: "You've committed numerous acts to help your party, most of which were good. Please balance that during this battle.
-Druid: "My STR would allow me to throw an awkward 60lbs with relative ease, right?"
-DM: "Yes, the roll wouldn't be too difficult. What do you want to-"
-Druid: "I roll to throw the Gnome..."
-Gnome: "Wait wha-"
-Druid: "...at the nearest skeleton."
-DM:"...... uh, okay."
>natural 20
-DM: "You lift the Gnome with ease, taking aim at the skelly directly to your left, roll for missile accuracy."
>rolls 18
-DM: "You hurl the Gnome with great force and accuracy. He hits the skeleton head on, doing enough damage to scatter his bones to the far reaches of the room. He is dead, the three remaining skellys hesitate, giving the rest of you a chance to attack."

Party goes on to win the fight while the druid sits on the sidelines, grinning ear to ear.

>gnome pc walks up to druid pc
-Gnome: "Why, WHY did you do that!?"
-Druid: "There must be balance in all things."
-Gnome: "Wha-... oh. Oh, I get it. I forget that you've been helping a bit more than usual. I guess that makes sense. Throw in a bit of misery, eh?"
-Druid: "What? No. You landed on that bird back there after I tossed you into the skeleton. He'll probably never fly again, but a gnome flying for a couple seconds was more than enough to balance the karma of that particular situation. Plus, it was hilarious."
-Gnome: "YOU SON OF A-"

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