> Be Dorn> Be counseling Horus> This is boring as fuck, I just wanna get back to my ship and play Guardsmen of Duty> Horus talking to me about some bullshit> I don't pay attention to most of it because I'm thinking of how stupid that top knot looks on the First Captain> Gay as fuck> Horus asks me what I think> Give an hour long moral speech> Maybe he won't understand what the fuck I said and let me go> Asks me if he should listen to some guy called "Erebus"> I tell him to go for it.
>>38616336> Be Dorn> That asshole Sigismund is annoying me.> Why the fuck he has to insist on having a personal heraldry. Who the fuck knighted this asshole and made him king?> Wait, is this how it works? Whatever.> Send him to Angron to be my ambassator, that will take care of him.> The motherfucker actually comes back wearing chains on his arms and shows me a mug saying "Siggis and WE; best bros forever."> Keeps talking some shit about dueling pits and skull taking.> Whatever, send that fucker to the Night Lords.> The motherfucker comes back telling me about someone wearing a leather cloack made of human skin.> Whatta drama quee. It was probably a costume party.> Send him back to Horus.> He fucking comes back telling me Horus shut himself into his bedroom with that Erebus fellow and won't talk to his "mournival" or whatever that is.> That sounds gay> Just tell Sigis he is a sick fuck and to gtfo.
>>38616481> Be Dorn> Be at party with brothers> Never met most of this fuckers.> My gay ass brother Fulgrim (what the fuck kinda name is that) introduces me to this bald brooding dude called Pertuberabo or Disturbedubed or some crap like that> Starts talking to me about fortifications> Spend the night talking to him about fortifications and siege tatics.> This guys is actually nice> But then he fucking tells me he doesn't see a point in digging trenches during a siege, then fortifying said trenches until I end up with a bigger fortress than the one I'm sieging.> IT'S BECAUSE IT MAKES THE OTHER FORTRESS FEEL BAD YOU FUCK. PSYCOLOGICAL WARFARE DUMBFUCK.> Don't say anything. Fulgrim comes around and jokingly asks me if Perturabo could lay siege to my fortresses.> "No, because he is a fucking asshole."> Leave> Guilliman later gives me shit about making enemies> It's not like that non-trench digging faggot will do anything about it
>>38616659> Be Dorn> Turns out Horus now wants to be Emperor of Manking too.> Turns out there's this whole Civil War going on.> It's been going on for a whole straight year and somehow I missed it.> Sigis tells me it's because I was too busy setting up defenses and fortifications on the laundry hangar.> Well how the fuck is the underwear remain fresh if I hadn't built a defensive wall around it? Each one of them actually?> Launch fleet in pursuit of Horus> Maybe if I smack that faggot around he will stop that shit> Turns out he is in the other corner of the universe and I spend an entire year chasing him> Turns out I apparently arrived late to some planet called Istvaan and the Iron Hands seem butthurt about it> Man the fuck up son> Hey where's Manus?
>>38616770> Be Dorn> Emperor calls me and tells me to go back to Terra> He wants me to fortify the Imperial Palace> FUCKING FINALLY> This place looked ugly as sin. Not enough defensive walls and barbed wire and automated sentries> Sigis comes tell me that this woman named Euphrati something predicted the future and told him what's gonna happen and how I'll need him in the future and shit like that.> This motherfucker's been annoying me just because some two dollar fortune teller gypsy told him some random shit?> That fucker actually gets on his knees and gives me his sword to kill him with> What a fucking drama queen> Send him to mars to retrieve this supply cache we don't need so he can cool off and man up
>>38616870> Be Dorn> Be sleeping comfortably in my bed> Defending the Imperial Palace agaisnt a traitor invasion is tiresome business. Need my beauty sleep.> Get a beep from Sanguinius> Something about a gate> Get up but trip on the fucking fortifications I had built around my bed the past night.> Spend 30 minutes defortifying everything so I can get out.> When I get there Sanguinius is all mad and yelling at me about losing the Eternity Gate> Suddently this huge ass red winged guy with horns grabs him from behind and takes off> I think I'm off the hook here> He will be alright> Spend another 30 minutes re-fortifying my bed only to realize I lost my sleep.> This day is only getting shittier.
>Be Sigmund >Try to make Dad forgive me by dressing up in black and white and crusading>Get killed by Abaddon years later
>>38616974> Be Dorn> Turns out Horus decided to turn off his ship's shield so he can get some fresh air or something> Lol what a faggot> Get a beep from The Emperor> Tells me we are all gonna teleport up there ASAP and that I need to bring some terminators> Sigis is already putting on his terminator suit.> I don't want this faggot making me look bad> Tell him I have a special mission for him> Throw a bucket of paint I find in the closet at him and tell him some bullshit about being the chosen one > Tell his to go out the gates and challenge the Traitors to duels, specially the World Eaters and Night Lords> That faggot actually agrees, talks about glory and shit> He is actually so happy he is crying.> What the fuck
>>38617064> Head up to The Emperor's royal teleport station> I had actually fortified that shit earlier> Looks fucking pimping> Emps tells me what the plan is> Say it's a stupid plan, that we should all just ditch our vox coms and unessential shit, teleport right in there and tag team the shit out of Horus.> The Emperor thinks it's fucking brutal.> All set to go.> Hit the switch> Turns out the safety net I installed above the teleportation grid actually interferes with the teleportation thingy> End up in the waste disposal area of Horus flagship.
>>38617159> Hit the coms, gotta ask everyrone to link up> Well fuck, I told them to leave the vox coms behind> Gotta work my way to the command bridge> Whatever, we can still tag team that faggot if we arrive together> On my way to Horus command bridge> Drop my fucking oath of moment> No time to re-attach it> Better build a fortification around it and them come back later> Spend 40 minutes scavenging items to build a fortification around my oath of moment
>>38617216> Be Dorn> Be entering Horus command bridge> Sanguinius is all there spread on the floor> Slap the shit out of him, no time to rest in battle> Oh fuck he is actually dead> Well shit.> Hey where is Horus? Why is there bits of stuff that looks like Horus all over the floor> Look around. See the Emperor lying in a pool of blood.> OH FUCK, DADDY'S HURT> SHIT DADDY, DON'T DIE, I'LL BE GOOD I PROMISE> Daddy telling me some stuff I can't remember, something about sticking him in a throne, he will be better in a week.> BUT DON'T DIE DADDY!!!! I LOVE YOU! I'LL BE GOOD!> Daddy babling some shit and passes out> I KNOW! I'LL STICK HIM IN THAT HUGE CHAIR HE HAS AND FORTIFY THE FUCK OUT OF IT SO HE STAYS NICE AND TIGHT AND UNABLE TO MOVE UNTIL HE GETS BETTER!
>>38617377> Be Dorn> Turns out Daddy isn't getting better.> Mechanicum saying taking him out of the chair will kill him> Maybe I should tell them I fortified that chair a bit> Maybe not. > Better not.> One day Guilliman has me and some other brothers sitting at this table> Telling us shit about a reformation so we can survive> Passing around a book> Grab the fucking book and throw it at him> Hit him square in the mouth> "The hell is the matter with you Dorn, what th-"> "MY DADDY IS DEEEAAAAAAADDDD"
Is it bad that I read these all with the Bro Team voice?
>>38617474> Be Dorn> Turns out Guilliman's book makes sense> Can't admit it tho, will look like a jackass> Just play along> Turns out I need to divide my legion> What the fuck did that paragraph said about dividing the legion the proper way?> Ah whatever.> Tell Sigis to pick a bunch of guys and get out. He is Chapter Master now.> Actually do this with every company captain.> Divide my legion so much it turns out now my own Chapter is undermaned as fuck.> Shit
>>38616659> IT'S BECAUSE IT MAKES THE OTHER FORTRESS FEEL BAD YOU FUCK. PSYCOLOGICAL WARFARE DUMBFUCK.Lost so hard at that
>>38617525Why and who would this be bad for? And most of these post make sense. Dorn really needed emotional control. Or was it he was bad at expressing them?
> Be Dorn> Be brooding at home about dad being dad> Get a beep> Fucking Perturabo taunting me and calling me a faggot> "WANNA BRO DOWN BRO?"> "Anytime Rogal Failure!"> "JUST SAY A PLACE FAGGOT> He tells me to meet him at this shaddy ass planet> Just roll with my entire legion> The faggot is hiding inside a shitty ass fortress> Lol, so pathetic, it doesn't even has a thermo nuclear minefield.> Storm fortress with entire legion> Turns out he was never in that fortress> Nor any Iron Warrior for that matter> Turns out the Fortress is actually a bomb> PERTURAAAAABBBBBBOOOO
>>38617669Who the fuck does that? What the fuck?(Is that the end?)
>>38617669> Be Dorn> Be fucking pissed that half my legion is dead and that Perturabo just became something called a Daemon Prince because of it.> Cogitator starts beeping> Space Hulk boarding the system.> Traitors aboard.> FUCK YEAH, IT'S GO TIME> All my fucking marines are down at the apothecary getting stiched up> Fucken, I'm going RAMBO!> Launch myself into the Space Hulk> Buncha dudes dressed in black> For a moment think it's Sigis and his band of faggots, but there's this familiar faggot with the top knot> During the battle someone somehow manages to cut off my hand> Well fuck, how I'mma fap now?> No issue, I'mma just build a fortification around it and come back later with an apothecary and get it reattached.> Fuck, bolter shells don't make a good defensive wall.> Fine, I'll put my hand inside this drop pod and lock it up and come back later.> Which one is the button to close it? Ah, the red one of course> Hey, what's this about a launch sequence?> WHERE THE FUCK DID THE DROP POD GO? WHERE'S MY HAND?!> FUCK> Hey that top knot guy is back> Hey, wait a minute, it's Horus with a top knot> No no no, it's that asshole that keep following him.> Where the fuck did he get that nice ass Lighting Claw? I want one, maybe I can replace my hand with that.> Wait. I don't remember this guy being bigger than me.> Fuck
> Be Angron> Be reading a book> Fucking Magnus, lending me books.> I wanted a bowie knife> What the fuck is this, I don't even understand this words> Ah fuck, I just remembered: I CAN'T READ!> "KHARN"> "Yes my Primarch."> "WHAT THIS WORD MEANS?"> "It means reproduction."> "WHAT IS THAT?"> "The same as sex."> "WHAT IS SEX?!"> Kharn spends the next hour telling me about birds and some shit called bees.> What the fuck this has to do with anything.
>>38617968> Be Angron> Be wondering what the hell sex is.> Something to do with women.> Kharn says it's like fighting, so it must be good.> Kharn says I should find a date and see "were things go."> What the hell does he mean? > Walk around the ship looking for a female> Someone tells me Captain Lotara is Kharn's girlfriend or whatever that means.> So I walk down to the barracks were the Imperial Guards are like.> I ask around were are women.> First guy I talk to has a heart attack and drops dead> The second goes retard.> Why the fuck does this keep happening?> Finally some guy points me to the next level.> I might've stepped on him on my way out
>>38618123> Be Angron> Finally find a woman> She just stands there looking at me> What the fuck do I say now?> "WANNA GO ON A DATE?"> Kharn later tells me they had to replace her eardrums with cybernetics.
>>38618181> she got free cybernetics, so it's good
>>38618181> Guardswoman is released from medical bay> Kharn tells me I should do something nice to apologize> Bring her a skull. It's still bloody and has one eye intact.> I think she liked it a lot. She even started crying. > "SO UHHHHHHHHHH.... WANNA GO ON A DATE?"> She stands there.> "SO IS A YES?"> She keeps staring at me.> "SO I'LL PICK YOU UP AT....UHHHH... I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOOK AT THE TIME"> Leave> On my way out hit my head on the blastdoor.> Kharn later tells me that they had to fish out that section of the ship and weld it back to the rest of it.
>>38618279> Kharn tells me I should go pick up Guardswoman> Get into her quarters> She appears to be in what Kharn says is the shower> Pick her up by the head and carry her to my chamber> She keeps on screaming.> Must be of how much she is looking forward to our date.> Kharn later tells me he had to coax her out of my wardrobe to get her to sit on the dinner table.> My wardrobe is filled with skulls.> She must've really have liked the skull I gave her.
>>38618382> Serve dinner.> "IT'S NUTRIENT PASTE WITH NUTRIENT PASTE! EAT UP!"> She tries a bit of it but gags and vomits on the floor.> That's so fucking brutal.> I remember Kharn told me to tell some jokes.> "HEY, WHAT DID THE WORLD EATER HAD FOR LUNCH?"> "AN ELDAR CRAFTWORLD!"> She just stands there.> Maybe my joke was bad.> Wait, the fuck is this.> She is snarling> A CHALLENGE! THAT MOTHERFUC-> Wait a minute> That's not a snarl... that's a uhh... A SMILE!> MY JOKE WAS GOOD!> "WHAT DID THE FILTHY ELDAR SAY AFTER A BOLTER SPRAY?!"> "I'M HOLEY!"> She made this sound Kharn calls a laugh> Fuck I don't know how to laugh> Let me do my warcry instead> This night is getting weird
>be Konrad Curze>everything is darkness>constant suffering>unspeakable horrors everywhere>god I love this setting
>>38618552> 3 FUCKING HOURS IN> THIS WOMAN WON'T STOP TELLING ME ABOUT HER DREAMS> I just wanna go headbutt something> Is this sex already?> What the hell is this period she keeps talking about?> Just nod my fucking head aggressively and say "UHMM" from time to time, maybe she will get intimidated> SHE JUST KEEPS GOING!> Finally fucking silence> What is this? This woman is touching my face!> Why the hell is she getting closer.> Why the hell is she closing her eyes.> WHAT THE FUCK, WHY IS SHE STICKING HER TONGUE IN MY MOUTH?!> SHE WANTS TO GAG ME AND KILL ME WITH HER TONGUE!> AN ASSASSINMURDERDEFIANCERETRIBUTIONBATTLEHABLALBALBLARGH> Wake up an hour later covered in blood> Head is dented> Must've headbutted the floor too hard again> Where is the woman and were did this blood come from?> Ah fuck I remember now
>>38616770>hey where's Manus?ha ha
>>38616988Sigismund isn't dead, atleast it's never mentioned I think
>>38618775>That makes sense - he said he was going ahead of the main Iron Hands for...wait, what did I not understand?
>>38618702> Walk to Kharn's chamber> Kharn's lying on his bed, > There's a cigar stuck on his helm's grating> He is wearing a bathrobe and pink bunny slippers> He is reading one of those things called newspapers> Captain Lotara appears from under the covers> How the fuck did she do that? Teleportation?> "Is everything alright Angron?" Kharn asks> "I DUNNO! I'M KINDA BUMMED MAN!"> "How was the date?"> "UHMM"> Kharn put down his newspaper> "What happened?" > "I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT!> "She kissed you didn't she?"> "YEAH..."> "And you bit her tongue out didn't you?"> "YEAH..."> "And you headbutter her corpse until you passed out didn't you?"> "YEAH..."> "Aw don't worry, it's perfectly natural."> "..."> "Are you alright there my Primarch?"> "I DUNNO..."> "Wanna sleep here with us?"> "YEAH.."> Lotara is looking angrily at Kharn when I walk to the bed> Maybe they were sparring.> Lay down in the middle> Kharn puts down his paper and shuts of the light> Lotara is saying something about a threesome> "WHAT IS THAT TREESOME?! DOES IT INVOLVES TREES?"> She turns away and sighs> I should stop screaming> "GOOD NIGHT KHARN!"> "Good night my Primarch."> "GOOD NIGHT CAPTAIN LOTARA!"> "Good night my Lord."> "..."> "KHARN!"> "Yes."> "WILL YOU TELL ME A STORY?"> "Once upon a time there was a bunch of psykers. They all died."
>>38618902>"Once upon a time there was a bunch of psykers. They all died."i heard that story except it was Eldar instead.
>>38618858Abby kills him aged 1000 or so.He's surprisingly respectful.Dorn dies stopping a Black Crusade, but I'm not sure if that's after or not.
>>38618552>> "AN ELDAR CRAFTWORLD!"Ha, get it. World Eaters. They eat worlds, and a craftworld is a type of world. So fucking hilarious.
>>38618902Kharn's such a great guy.is the thing with the captain taking something from the books and running with it or is it wholly /tg/?
>>38619022>Abby kills him aged 1000 or so.>He's surprisingly respectful.THAT'S A LIED:
>>38619126>or is it wholly /tg/?That, but if he wouldn't have been a SM something might have happened, same goes for their primarch not being a loonyShe was a bit of a slut
>>38619308You don't believe, or you've seen more of the book (idk the name) than I have?
>Be Dorn>Fulgrim is trying to tell about some faggot nightmares Konrad keeps having>What a pussy>Tell Fulgrim I got this shit>Kick down the doors to Konrad's room>All the fucking lights are out>"Why are you sleeping if you're so upset about nightmares?">Trip over an armoire>"Fucking hell Konrad, I swear to Dad if you don't-">Breathing on the back of my neck>"Swear to me">Wake up in medbay a week later>Feels like I spent a month in the painglove>I should hang out with Konrad more>Maybe I'll visit him at home
>>38618858>Sigismund isn't dead, atleast it's never mentioned I thinkIf Sigismund was alive; he'd still be the Grand Marshal of the Black Templar.I'm kind of disappointed that ADB seems to be planning to have Abaddon kill him. Not every hero has to die in a three week long epix battle with his ultimate nemesis.Sometimes a guy just gets unlucky and shot in the face through the visor by a lucky autogun round.
>>38621927This. Some people might find it an unfulfilling ending, but it would showcase the grimdark that is 40k, and a lot of history in 40k has been made by nameless soldiers, like the Space Marine who first shot the ork who became Ghazguhull.And it would mirror the death of Dorn in a way, who's just written off as having been killed. Are you telling me that Sigismund really deserves a more awesome smackdown death than a primarch?
>>38618649Underrated as fuck post.
>>38621927While I agree it would be kinda cool, it wouldn't fit the setting my friend. 40k is about heroes of legends who do heroic legendary stuff, like defending an outpost with eight fucking men against a thousand, which is technicaly and mathematicaly impossible.So if you are a major hero like Sigismund you are destined to die at the hands of some major villian. Hard to get more major than Abaddon.
>>38626164>like defending an outpost with eight fucking men against a thousand, which is technically and mathematically impossible.The Battle of Saragarhi was probably the closest we'll ever get to that.
>>38626164True, though Dorm himself doesn't die to anyone in particular, just overwhelmed by daemons and traitors.However this does end a Black Crusaders, so meh
>Be Lorgar>always rank last in the imperial track and field competitions>always get bullied by the other primarchs>locked in the changing cubicle by Leman Russ>hear the others laughing outside>let out by the janitor techmarine at 2300>on my way to the mess hall>Corvus flying by stealing my books and placing them on the roof of the imperial cathedral>everyone laughing at me>Sanguinius is having a pajama party>not invited>Horus is best in class again>Emperor says I have to go to his party>the music is too loud>my feet hurt and I'm hungry>wish I was at home reading my books>wanna go home>Vulkan stole my bicycle
>>38618902This took me longer than anticipated.Hope it pleases you anon
>>38626724I don't know what happened to her shoulder there.It's times like these I wish there was an edit button.
>>38626861Love your work man, this is great.
>>38626310It was GW fluff policy back then. We don't know what actually happened to most of the loyal Primarchs, Khan, Dorn, Girlyman. We don't know what happened to Alpharius (surprise surprise) and wethere Kurze was killed or allowed himself to be killed.
>>38626724>>38626861Jesus ChristThis is awesome.
>Be Kharn>Be at command bay>Lotara asking me to swing over her chambers after the expedient is over>She's telling me about what she can do with her pinky finger>Suddently the wall communicators are shaking and blood is coming out of them>"KHARN">"Yes my Primarch">"ARE WE THERE YET!?">"Are we there yet Lotara?">"Not yet.">"We are not there yet my Primarch.">"DID YOU ASK LOTARA?">"I di-">"He did my Lord">"WHO'S THAT?! WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?!">"It's Captain Lotara here...my lord.">"WHAT HAPPENED TO KHARN!? I WAS TALKING TO KHARN! HOW DOES THIS COMMUNICATOR THING WORKS?">"Kharn's over here my lord.">"I am here my Primar-">"I THINK THIS THING IS BROKEN! BETTER CALL THOSE GUYS WITH THE ROBES AND INCENSE!">"WAIT I CAN FIX IT, I'VE SEEN PERTURABO DOING IT">Loud banging sounds all over the ship>Alarm goes off warning us about a hull breach>Angron is flashing past the view port>I'm getting too old for this
>Be Kharn>Be making out with Lotara>Things are picking up>She says maybe this time we can try doing it on the captain's throne while the servitors aren't looking>"KHARN">"Yes my Primarch.">"DID YOU SEE MY ROUBOTTE GUILLIMAN FIGURINE?">"I thought you didn't like Roubotte Guilliman.">"I WANNA MELT IT WITH MY PLASMA PISTOL">"You traded it last week with Lorgar for a Magnus figurine.">"AH">"AND WHERE IS THE MAGNUS FIGURINE?">"You threw it at Leeman Russ's head">"HA! I REMEMBER NOW! WELL GOODNIGHT KHARN!">"Good night my Primarch.">Now back to Lotara>Where were we? >She's talking about trying anal>This day is getting better and better>"KHARN">"Yes my Primarch.">"MY HEAD IS HURTING!">"It's because you haven't killed anything in an hour.">"WHAT PLANET IS THIS BELLOW?!">"Planet XVY00077, a compliant world my lord.">"HAVE THEY BROKEN THE COMPLIANCE?!">"No... but the Planetary Governor made a rude comment on facebook about the quality of the water.">"GOOD ENOUGH! SEE YOU IN THE DROP POD">Klaxon sounding all over the ship>Sound of thousands of charging World Eaters running toward the drop bay>Lotara is on all fours looking at me>The things I do for loyalty>Put on my helm>Leave>One of these days I'll burn someone with a flamer
> be sigismund> leave daddy to go crusading > hey this isn't so bad> decide to repaint our armor black> daddy will like that right? > decide we're going to be space based> kickass!> become high marshal of my new chapter > lets do this>shit where should we begin? > daddy ?!?
Why the fuck people always insist on portraying Angron as a dumb retard?By all depictions, he is more like the grimdark version of Charles Bronson or Marv from Sin City than what you faggots write him off as
>>38627994This.Angron is remarkably intelligent for someone with a piece of metal stuck in his head eating away his brain. He even points out things to Guilliman and Lorgar which the latters completely didn't think about.
>>38617525reading all the Dorn posts with bro teams voice makes it even better
> be Dorn> make toast> spread thick raspberry jam on crispy whole wheat toast> drop toast jam side down right on master crafted artificer gleaming golden dick guard > waste of Imperial bread> waste of Imperial jam> pain glove
>>38626103Good thing we don't rate posts here.
> be Dorn> writing Dadmas cards to the fam> use thick, perfect, cream-colored stationary> use sweetass gold fountain pen from Old Night Magnus gave me> start first letter> misspell 'Perturabo'> pain glove
>>38628228> waste of Imperial stationary> waste of Imperial fountain ink> extra pain glove
> be Dorn> driving Sigismund to tee ball practice in the ol' legion stormbird> forgot to check the tire pressure> forgot to get the oil changed > waste of Imperial promethium> goddamnit Sigismund I will turn this gunship around right now so help me> pain glove
>>38627463Kurze's death is fantastic. Whether he "allowed" it or not, he was killed by M'Shen.It's glorious, a relic from the time when things could just be blatant references, and it's welded to one of the few bone-deep bits of Primarch canonI'm just going to have to assume he was on Catachan at some point in the Great Crusade
>>38627763>>38627852My sides have breached the hull
>>38627763>>38627852Someone draw this
>>38628357M'shen? who or what is that? Also , is dorn actually dead ? I thought they only found a hand like a worm-tail type cop out.
>>38626724>>38626861Do some mare man, this is too good yo stop there.
>>38626861Please do these next >>38627763 >>38627852
>>38618702>>38618902>>38626861>>38627763>>38627852The best thread on /tg/ right the fuck now.
>>38627763>>38627852>The things I do for loyalty.too good anon.
>>38628441M'Shen was the Assassin that killed Curze in his palace, possibly because he "let" her It's a giant Apocalypse Now reference
>>38628567Hoping it stays alive
>>3862686112/10 would eat worlds with.
>>38628659Just finished reading heart of darkness the other day, should have realized hahahaha. That's good.
>>38628659>martian sheenmother fucker, what?
>>38628025>>38627994It depends on what kind of story it is; an Angron who would technically be one of the best and brightest of the primarchs if it weren't for the nails holding him back (and is also well aware of this fact) is a great character, but not a great one for comedy. Murderous retard Angron is a somewhat trite character, but more humorous.
>>38628912got any for Magnus?
>>38627994>Why the fuck people always insist on portraying Angron as a dumb retard?Because this thread is supposed to be funny, hence Dorn being a retard who bolter when he drops it instead of picking it up or Sigismund being a faggot with daddy issues.
> be alphaus> scheme and plot> hope my other brother isn't plotting against me> build up cell of covert agents> can't remember who's loyal and traitors > fuck> decide to call it another one of my plots>genius > fake death to make loyalist seem like they're competent> contuine to scheme
>>38630357> Be Alpharius> "No I am Alpharius"> All Alpharii arguing over who is Alpharius> See Omegon reaching for the imperial vodka again
>>38626488>Vulkan stole my bicycle
Will we ever see the other comics?
>>38620038>I should hang out with Konrad more>Maybe I'll visit him at homeThe other Primarchs said their last visit was a real blast.
>Be Jagathai Khan>chilling on my bike, doing my business>my fucking brothers won't stop trying and talk to me>i just wish to be left alone, goddamit>dad calls in, wants me to do shit>i just want to ride my bike>fine, whatever>muster my troops>faggot Fulgrim shows up, talks shit about my ships>what's with his fucking hair, it smells funny>did he bathe in parfume or something?>fucker looks for a brawl, tries to provoke me>give the best reply ever>faggot Guilliman starts giving me shit on how we should all get along>blonde fucker, i bet he doesn't even ride>i really need my bike now>wann get away from this, start killing some xenos or something, get this done quickly>get on bike>finally.jpg>engine won't start>i miss my horse
This is the best thing on /tg/ for a very long time.
> be Sigismund> still havent figured out this crusading thing yet> daddy still has not gotten in contact with me> fuck> decide to head out into space> find out most of my chapter loves to get into melee> sweet> start the never ending crusade> make note to always declare somebody else the champion of the chapter like i was to make daddy proud> wonder if daddy is proud of me yet?
>>38626488>Corvus flying by stealing my books>Vulkan stole my bicycle
>Be Sanguinius>Putting down one of my astartes cause he started acting like a world eater>I mean really whats with this shit? Didnt i train them not be fucking savages?!>Suddenly Horus walks in>"Hey Sang wanna cele-">Horus looks at me, then at astartes, then back to me>Shit, shit shit! Gotta explain this!>Remember that fag Fulgrim reading something called twilight then offering it to me>I mean really what the fuck does he do all day?>Tell Horus my astartes was turning into a vampire so i killed him so dad wouldnt be mad and kill my legion for being defective>Horus says something about world eaters>DO I LOOK LIKE IVE GOT SPIKES IN MY SKULL?!>Horus tells me to calm down, says he wont tell anyone>Horus walks away silently>Get this feeling hes gonna use it against me.>Why is he my closest brother again?
> Be The Emperor> My ass has been scratching for 3 hours> I can't scratch it because these fucking claws poke me a new asshole everytime> These goddamn Orkz keep flooding our defenses too> Daddammit for fuck's sake> I hate this planet> It even has a stupid name> "ULANOR"> LIke I said, stupid> Fine let's get this done with, nobody is looking anyway> Begin to scratch my ass> Fucking Warbozz jumps out of the pile of dead orkz.> Claw gets stuck in my armored pants> Warbozz starts strangling me> BRO DO YOU EVEN LIFT?> Trying to free my hand so I can poke this fucker's eye out> Suddently his head explodes> Horus is standing there> Shit> Gotta say something, he is gonna think I was actually in danger> I'm gonna look stupid in front of my son, gotta distract him, fast.> "How about you become Warmaster, son?"
>>38634412kek but > be emperor > not medammit
>>38633804Didn't the black rage take place only after the primarch's death?
>>38634702Not anymore, thanks BL!
>>38634702The rage became a permenant threat after sangy died, before that it was encouraged by demony shenanagins.The fluff the post was referring to was more the thirst than the rage.
>>38634702As far as I know, RT and BR had a low possibility but it did occur before death of Sang. which Sang. hid from everyone by killing those who submit to RT/BR. I guess an elite cadre or some shit only knows about it.When Sang. died all the legion(?) entered the RT and learned about their horrible legacy. Red Thirst is pretty common but only mad-butt niggers go full Black Rage.
>>38634702It did according to every source GW ever released including their most recent codex.BL of course, as with just about every decision they make, decided to go with "the opposite of what everyone else says".
>>38626164>>38626299http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1393355/Hero-Gurkha-handed-bravery-medal-Queen-said-I-thought-I-going-die--I-tried-kill-I-could.htmlIf they're all Ghurkas, they might be able to take down somewhere in the region of 250. Okay, it's not a thousand, but seriously.
>Be Alpharius>Have to take some huge heavily defended superfortress>Apparently it's really important or something>Perturabo and Dorn can't agree on an approach>Russ is always drunk>Only ever contributes to strategy meetings by chanting FIGHT!>Alpharius stops by to tell me all my plans are ready to go>Detonate some bombs in a handy fault line>Walls fall, volcano erupts, nuclear reactors meltdown, everybody dies>Somehow Alpharius is the bad guy>Robute stops by to tell me Alpharius is doing it wrong. Again>Gets hit in the head with a shoe>Threw that shit before Alpharius landed on the planet
>Be Magnus>Stuck with Russ since I drew the short straw at family bonding time>Jesus that beard makes my third eye burn>Do you not shave?>Fuck I just wanna read my books>He keeps talking about Fenris and wolves>Oh shut the fuck up already>Trying to start a fight 'cause he's bored>Use my superior PSYKER POWER to bitch slap his shit>He mad>Says he'll torch my house for that>Lol faggot, bet you will
>>38617525Now I have to read this again, in bro team voice
Why is Magnus sometimes portrayed as a literal cyclops, and sometimes as just missing one eye, and other times are having a third eye?A little consistency would be nice.
>>38635640Because he has canonically been described as all three. Though only the first two have gotten artwork iirc.
>>38635640>A little consistency would be nice.Never! "Warhammer 40,000 exist as tens of thousands of overlapping realities in the imaginations of games developers, writers, readers and gamers."
>>38627763Sorry to keep you all waiting.I'll do the next Kharn one when I get the chance.
>>38638484do the one with analNNNNNNNGH
>>38638484>Bleeding vox casterOh god this is great, keep it up.
>>38638484Dear Emperor, you are a saint sir.
>Be Guilliman>Fighting with the puny Solar Auxilleria>These stupid punies are so disorganized>They're all gathering in squads of twenty-five>Who the fuck fights in squads of twenty-five?>I'll march my squads past them in ten-man formations and hope they catch on>I see Peturabo's Iron Warriors are coming by>In squads of fifteen>Who the fuck uses squads of fifteen?>Why doesn't everyone use squads of ten like me?>I'm so much better at this than everyone else>I should write a book
>>38619369 She was? How?
>>38638962>Day 365>The humans still do not realize I'm Alpharius
>>38638484this is glorious
>>38639072I've read that book and don't remember her being stated or implied to be a slut. Rude, violent, forceful and demanding definitely. But she was just like the Space Marines she was around, and they respected her for being just like this.
>>38638958But the standard 30k Tactical Squad was 20 Marines.
>>38639325The only thing implied about her in the book is that she shoots Kharn way too many looks.
>>38641129I can't see why.
>>38641129Must have missed that bit, I'm going to read.it again I think
>>38641155Neither can I m8 i mean it's like you wouldn't let Kharn slip it to you if he told you he needed a nut
>>38641310People are weird.
>>38641155Magnus looks pretty hot in that picture...
>>38641686Roll for seduction.
Rolled 3 (1d20)>>38641752
>>38641856Does he win?
>Be Malcador>Be Regent of Terra>Shit is going to hell, quickly>Primarchs are traipsing across the galaxy, getting into fistfights with one another>Emperor has fucked off and sealed himself in a lab somewhere with his dipshit experiments>Terra in controlled state of chaos>Time to get shit done>Form administratum and remembracer order>Holy fuck, what's going on outside? Time to step up my game>Form astronomicon, officio assassinorum, grey knights, inquisition>Each vital to keep mankind alive without their erstwhile Emperor>Be Malcador>Be the only competent Imperial administrator, ever
>>38642220This is pretty much canon, right?
>>38642325Sort of, the Emperor created the Grey Knights and ordered the creation of the Inquisition (though Malcador did the actual leg work there)The Astronomicon was already a thing and the Assassins dataslate also credits their creation to the Emperor
>>38641155>dat GuillimanWait a minute...
>>38642402He reminds me of Stein from Soul eater a little bit.
>>38642369This; back when the Horus Heresy was still an ambush and they didn't have much time to prep; the Emperor basically made the Grey Knights, ordered the Creation of the Inquisition, and turned the Golden Throne into a life support machine just in case; and worked on those projects just about up to when the traitors were banging on the Eternity Gate.Of course, now he's also spending tons of time on the Throne because Black Library needed a failed webway project to keep him busy while they stretched the Heresy on for years and milk the series for everything it's worth.
>>38642369As did their old $2.99 codex.
>>38642414The Horus Heresy canonically took 14 years in universe.5 years from now the books still won't be on Terra.
>>38642447Like I said, now that the major events are no longer just:>Horus killed everyone on Istvaan>Horus bumrushed EarthThey've needed the failed webway project to keep the Emperor busy and on Earth; and the Unremembered Empire to keep Guilliman from just going to Terra while they turn the Horus Heresy into a much longer event.
>Be a random Lord General.>Be fighting off orcs in an iceworld.>Get Tallarn Reinforcements.>fine.jpg>Win early by managing to cut off the warboss's head early>Return to IG mustering grounds>Find out that there were a few Valhallan and Vostroyan regiments hanging around.>Find out that their papers were not processed in time to be sent as reinforcements to you.>facepalm.jpg
>>38638484>>38627852Angron never did ask where Kharn's pants were
>>38642447i figured most of that time was spent in transit
>>38638958>Be Guilliman >Horus finally invites me to go and hang out with him and the rest of my brothers>Everyone eventually starts telling stories about their childhood>shit’s depressing yo >my turn>Tell them about my awesome life and super supportive parents growing up on Macragge>everyone seems angry at me for some reason >Konrad yells at me in jive or something >Why does nobody like me?
>>38643804your dad get shanked Caesar style though, it wasn't all fun and friendship
>>38643916I think most would be upset over him being the only primarch to have a mother figure
>>38643944Leman had his wolf momma. And Konrad really didn't like that. Surprisingly the old woman told him to go to hell.
>>38643973>Leman had his wolf mommais that still canon?what with the whole "there are no wolves on Fenris" thing
>>38643991It's mentioned in the 7th edition codex I believe.
>>38643991>is that still canon?It was written at some point, so according to the IP Manager, it will always be canon.In the words of Gav Thorpe:>Warhammer and Warhammer 40,000 exist as tens of thousands of overlapping realities in the imaginations of games developers, writers, readers and gamers. None of those interpretations is wrong.>Whether a particular author’s take on the world matches up with an individual gamer’s or readers is another matter. The fact that each of us is allowed to take possession of that world and envisage it to our own ideal means that it is inevitable our vision will sometimes clash with the vision of others. Such conflict does not render either vision obsolete.>In this regard it is the job of authors and games developers to illuminate and inspire, not to dictate. Perhaps you disagree with the portrayal of a certain faction, or a facet of their society doesn’t make sense in your version of the world. You may not like the answers presented, but in asking the question you can come up with a solution that matches your vision. As long as certain central themes and principles remain, you can pick and choose which parts you like and dislike. So in the reality of Dan Abnett and those who choose to share in that particular vision, probably not no.
>>38616988Did Abaddon and Sigsmund know each other before the HH?The level of intensity and respect was astounding. I mean Sigsmund waited for Abaddon alone. It's as if he knew Abaddon would not order his warband to gang up on him, he knew Abaddon would face him in honorable combat.Abaddon for his part told his men to back off and lower their weapons and stepped forward. The two combatants raised their swords in salute and charged forth.It seemed to a duel to the death between respected rivals rather than hated enemies.
>>38643991>what with the whole "there are no wolves on Fenris" thingYou can't be that dense.They mean that there are no real wolves on Fenris. The Fenrisian wolves are not really wolves, they are people who somehow mutated into wolf-like creatures.The Wolf Mother of Leman was a Fenrisian wolf
>>38644288But won't the amount of time since the Age of Strife make a population of them?
>>38643501>Be me>Taking care of sick father>I know your feels Kharn
>>38644306And they aren't wolves.They're people, built like oxen, and looking like wolves, so not really people anymore.
>>38643501I liked the bleeding faucet addition
>>38644988>I DEMAND PICTURES
>>38644903So they're sterile?
>>38645059They can breed with each other, but not with you.
>>38644988Thank youThought I'd keep in theme of bleeding objects from the previous~
>>38645207They can still yiff you even if it can't cause impregnation.
>>38620038>>"Fucking hell Konrad, I swear to Dad if you don't-"Fucking lost it.
>>38643501Oh my god. My sides have Kharne'd.
>>38626724>>38626861>>38638484>>38643501I need to animate these and get them up on youtube one day...
>>38627763>>38627852If you guys keep this thread alive until the end of the day, I'll write a few more of these I've thought about.
>>38646219I look forward to seeing what you have for us.>be me>need to sleep because fuck it's 2:35am>see this>mfw
>>38646197Be sure to post when you do, I'd love to see what you do with my shit~
>>38641880As usual: no, he does not.
>Be Vulkan>Just trying to chill with my negroes>OH MY GOD WHY IS ALL THIS SHIT HAPPENING TO ME!
> be sigismund > still haven't figured out this crusade thing > fuck > decide to head out into space > find some Xenos> time to fuck shit up> grant someone that armor daddy have me> dude seems thrilled > alright let's do this > drop pod time > melee fighting.jpeg> realize that daddy has not contacted me in a while> cry as I hack apart xenos
>>38633804Fucking James SwallowEvery single piece of canon specifically says that BA issues came from the backlash of their primarchs death. But no. Durr they were always like this. And they literally drink blood. hurrrr
>>38642447I am keeping up with these books, and five more years and no battle of terra is bordering on ludicrous.Three more anthologies on deck. Sigh.But when it happens you know it will be glorious.
>>38644249What was this in?!
>>38649795Talon of Horus
>>38644249They met once when Dorn visited Horus, although I think Sig liked Loken more (but they where never going to fight each other to the death anyway, they where on the same side.)
>Be malcador>Emperor telling me about how fucked his last project was>One of his experiments has some archotech shit in his head making him crazy angry>Emps says he can't do anything about it BC he'll probs kill him if he fucks up>I've always been better at fiddly shit>I message the crazy angry motherfucker, tell him I can help him>he tells me to get fucked he wants to be crazy.>never mention it to emps, he doesn't listen much anymore.
>>38640094No it isn't. Just because it's the max in the rules doesn't mean it's the standard in the canon.
>>38643804>Konrad yells at me in jive or something
>>38616770>Its been going on for a whole straight year and somehow I missed it.I lost.
>>38648595>OH MY GOD WHY IS ALL THIS SHIT HAPPENING TO ME!Primarching while Black.
>>38643501>I demand picsOh lawd hahaha
>>38649493The black rage is a backlash of their primarchs death, the red thirst was there before that. Those are two separate things, blooddrinking never was part of the blacklash
>>38626861You're awesome, anon. Thanks.
>>38650859Go away, James Swallow
>>38638962I lol'd a lot at this one.
>>38642486To be fair, there never was a good excuse as to why the Emperor never just ran around solving all the problems on his own since he could literally obliterate entire planets with his sheer psychic might.
>>38650859No it wasn't, it never was. This is from 7 editions of Blood Angels codexes, the Red Thirst and the Black Rage are both part of the curse Sanguinius's death caused to the BA genseed. So, in short, you can go fuck yourself.
Are all of these actual stories that have happened?Obviously satirized for use on 4chan but the events took place?
>>38654801Bit of yes, bit of no. I think all the Dorn stories were canon.
>>38617968I'm crying with laughter hol
>>38627852>"KHARN">"Yes my Primarch"> "WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS?!"> Realize I left my pants back at Lotara's> Ah crap> "Psychological Warfare my Commander. The enemy won't expect a pantless Space Marine. It will drop them off their guard and make for more killings."> Angron is looking at me> Squitting his eyes so hard I think his Butcher Nails are gonna pop in the middle of his forearm> Oh there's that garden hose vein on his forehead again> "THIS IS VERY WEIRD AND UNUSUAL, I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT!"> ...> "DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE OFF EVEN THE CODPIECE?!"> "Absolutely my lord. Nothing will scare them more than Astartes gonads."> I'm off the hook> The Primarch seems quiet> Maybe content with the bloodshed to come> He will soon forget my stor-> "ALRIGHT, LET'S ALL ROLL WITH IT."> "...What?"> Angron is reaching for his vox unit.> "EVERYONE. PANTS OFF. WE ARE CHARGING BUTT NAKED."> I cannot believe my ears.> I think I'll vomit my gene-seed> Even the Butcher Nails in my head are yelling what the fuck.> Suddently Angron is throwing the lower part of his terminator armor in the air.> The leggings bounce around the cockpit like a missile> Dreagher is hit in the mouth by a flying boot and his teeth are flying out like popcorns.> Gruner gets hit in the face by the Primarch's underwear. He starts screaming and flaying around as his face melts to the bone.> A little while later...> ....> Someone I'm standing on a hidge watching a hundred thousand World Eaters charging pantless into a Hive City.> The screams.> The horror.> This is actually glorious> "KHARN"> "Yes Commander."> "LOOK AT ME, I'M PRIMARCH BUTT-NAKED! HAHAHAHAHAHAH! I'MMA KILL SOMEONE WITH MY DICK, JUST WATCH IT!"> "Indeed my lord."> I wonder how I get away with these things> If I was still a human I'd surely be a Commissar...> Commissar Kharn... that's a funny idea. But I do like their hats.
>>38649657I don't think it will ever happen. Just like the two unknown legions will never be revealed, like why they were disbanded.
>>38656097Well, there's a purpose to the lost legions not being fleshed out - so people can homebrew. There's no official reason other than money grubbing as to why the battle of Terra will never happen in book form.They'll never reveal the former, and will write about the latter whenever they feel like it'll make them the most money, which MIGHT be never, so they can stretch the shit out of the story.In short, one's a certainty, the other is only a huge probability.
>Be Robouette Guilliman>Trying to actually run a decent crusade here.>Trying to actually help my father build an empire instead of shooting up every world I walk near>People keep mispronunciating my name.>It's said ROBET GHILIMAN by the way.>Lorgar hates me just because I did what my father told me to do.>All my brothers hate me just because I beat them at chess all the time.>Corax keeps flying off into the sky with a bunch of marines then falling down on his own troops.>Curze keeps yelling "I AM THE NIGHT" then hiding under my bed>Alpharius keeps trying to dress up like my First Captain so he can switch my sword for a rubber phalus.>Only Dorn, Perturabo and Lion get me.>But Dorn shut himself in his "Pain Glove"...again.>Perturabo trying to build stuff only to break it all down after Dorn makes fun of it.>Lion doesn't talk much.>Maybe I should hang with Russ>Except he always gets drunk and tries to fight his flagship.>My own startes are always screaming about "COURAGE AND HONOR!" and "KNOW NO FEAR">Sometimes I wish I could lock myself in a stasis field just to get away from this madness. >Maybe I'll but all my knowledge on a book. Maybe someone someone will use it as a guide or something.
>Be Leman Russ>Emperor sent me on this mission>Fuck can't remember what it was>He sent two of my brothers too>Fuck can't remember which ones are they>They all looking the same>Like FUCKING FAGGOTS>Man I wanna fight something>This ale is going right to my head>What did Big E say again?>Right right, something about this super great munition that can explode a ship a whole planet in single round?>Wait? What I suppose to shoot something?>HOLD ON WHICH SHIPS ARE THOSE?!>FUCK>OPEN FIRE>...>YEAH, TOUCHDOWN! KILLED THEM BASTARDS! HAHAHA! BJORN GET OVER HERE AND HIGH FIVE ME>Oh shit his hand exploded>Ah whatever>Wait, why is there an Aquilla in that wreckage...>Wait... where are my brothers again?>...>...>Ah shit...>...>Fuck>Alright alright, I'll just call in that favor with Malcador and get him to name them Traitors and erase them from the records>It's not like anyone will wonder what happened to two entire legions>Totally, Legions go missing all the time. Yeah. Perfectly natural. Nobody will say anything.>Great.>More ale then.
>>38656523>It's said ROBET GHILIMAN by the way.His name is "Roboute Guilliman" and I'm quite sure that pronounced "Robu Gilliman".
>>38656791No, it's Row-Bow Weel-uh-mahn
>>38656736I like this reason for the two missing legions a lot more than the other ones.
>>38657010Not even Primarch Samus?
>>38656523wtfhis body symmetry is soo off it's horrid to watchwho ever made this art has no idea how human anatomy looks like...
>>38633069That's actually not true, BT use tactics like everyone else but they're a fleet based chapter which involves a lot of space battles and boarding actions. During boarding actions you often don't want to shoot, like near fuel lines, ammo depots or the control panels for the ship.
>>38634747>>38634702Actually the Red Thirst would occasionally happen according to BL. Sanguinius knew that wasn't the end of it, he was aware of the black rage being there but inert. It wasn't until his death that it became an actual problem.Maybe it's because he killed marines lost to the red thirst that it never got to that point before his death.
> be new primarch > Just got the shared job with my twin , but I am the public face > very nervous > eager to make friends > meet the other primarchs at some social> Horus is my bro, he says it'll be fine > whatthefuckisgoingon.jpeg > is that guy Wolf mad? > is that dude into bondage!? > Almost stood on some guy crouched in a dark corner, muttering > wtf is in that other dudes head who keeps shouting!!?> see one cool looking bro in blue not setting any alarms off > swaddle up to him and start talking shop > success > mention my slightly unorthodox tactics > spasms cross his face and it goes red > proceeds to try and tell me why his tactics are better > fucking spergs out >whatever man > I don't n-need f-friends anyway! I d-don't care if roboute hates me> one day I'll be the best! And thus a rivalry, was born. Kind of sad the way I have seen it alpharius kind of just wants recognition from rowboat and goes over the edge.
>>38641155>guilliman>the fucking EPITOME of martial strictness>long hairEvery goddamn piece of fluff describes him as "close cropped", like a jarhead.
>>38643991Fenris is a deathworld, but humans colonized it millennia before Old Night anyway. Normal humans would freeze to death, so they did what any sane group of people would do: They spliced wolf DNA into their own, because wolves are the ultimate group-based cold weather survival animals.The emperor used wolf DNA when creating the geneseed because of their loyalty and adherence to the command structure, hence Fenrisians became the only humans capable of both surviving on Fenris and to be candidates for Leman Russ's geneseed.Remember that the Emperor could still see the foreseeable future back then, so he probably planned all this.
>>38649493Red Thirst was already present, so was the black rage as a geneseed flaw where it would eventually degrade to that. Sanguinius's death just hastened the process.
>>38657223>who ever made this art has no idea how human anatomy looks like...But that's a Primarch not a hooman.
>>38657852James pls go
>>38656523You forgot his favorite brother, Ferrus Manus. They basically have the same personality.
>>38657952Pretty much every Legion has geneseed degradation of some sort, except of course the ultras.Even the black templars have TWO missing astartes functions.Let's not even get started on 1k sons, wolf mcwolferson or the salamanders
>>38657252He never says they don't use tactics, just said they liked melee. It's suppose to be a satire thread anyway
> Be Magnus> Dad told me not to run with scissors> Now I only have one eye> Dad told me not to mess with his dyes> Now I'm red> Dad told me not to use magic for penile enhancement> Now I'm a giant red cyclops> Dad told me to stop tampering with the Warp> Now Russ burnt my house down> Dad also told me not to thrust strangers, specially in the Warp> Now I don't have a soul> Dad also told me not to teach my sons magic> Now half my legion is made of sand and the other half ran away with Ahriman> Maybe I should've listened to Dad.
>>38657957Isn't Ferrus supposed to be a mixture of a calm, saner version of Kurtz from Apocalypse Now crossed with Christian Bale? In the sense that he spends most of his tame careleslly musing about the philosophies of life and then ocasionally throwing tantrums and wrecking hotel rooms?
>>38653467>The same guy who had to be rescued from an Orc can obliterate a planet.if you say so
>>386580511st Legion MasterraceGeneseed of exceptional purityBut not founding sluts like the 13th
>>38657594I've always pictured him as having the ceasar hair style. Looking like Lucius Vorenus from Rome
>>38658602That's what the Modelmakers at FW seem to be channeling as well.
>>38658191Maybe but in Know no Fear Guilliman takes the news of Ferrus's death pretty hard. Its exposited that he was one of the Indomitable Few (I think that's what they're called). Basically the ultramarines can win any fight no matter the odds so long as they are allied with one of them. Its Dorn, Russ, Horus, or Ferrus.
>>38658643I dig it
>>38658359Took the Emperor 13 times to get it right it seems.The real mystery is why the emperor kept trying to improve upon perfection after that. Must really suck to be the guinea pig 1st legion
>>38641155Kharn looks a lot better than most of those guys. I mean look at Russ. At least vikings combed their hair.
>>38658768Not Sang, or Morty? (not honourable, but as Indomitable as they come. Him and Perturbutted, on the traitor side)
>>38659156>Heresy grows from prettiness
>>386590321st and greatest bitch. Bobby G was raised into an exemplar by his loving family and adoring people. Big Jonson was raised into a virtuous knight by a deathworld trying to eat him.
>>38659268Guilliman considered Sangy a friend. But I guess his legion just wasnt up to snuff. As for Morty, well Guilliman had librarians before Nikita so I doubt they got along
>>38659347You gotta admit, Kharn looks okay for a bloodthirsty supersoldier.
>>38659463> well Guilliman had librarians before Nikita so I doubt they got alongAnd after Nikea too since that "psychic power and sorcery are the same thing" is one of the dumbest retcons GW has ever put to paper. Fucking Ward and McNeil.
>>38659385>Be Guilliman>trying to write a quick letter home before the next crusade>here comes Lionel>oh great what does this jerk eant. >"hey Robert what are you doing? ">my name is Robute, Lionel. You know this>"whatever. What are you doing">Of you must know, I'm writing a letter he to my mother.>"your what?">well she's not really my mother but she helped raise me along with my fath->"Hey everyone! Get a load of Robert! He had parents who loved him! Hahaha what a fag!">whatever you say Lionel >"Awwww Did they tuck you in at night when you were a baby? Did your dad come to every baseball game you had? Did your mom kiss your boo boos when you fell?">as a matter of fact Lionel, yes>"Hahaha what a fucking wuss! I grew up on a death world! Alone! For years!">Lionel are you crying?>"Fuck you Robert! "
>>38659751good, now do Magnus and Russ arguing over who's a better fighter.
>>38659751That end was excellent
>>38659751I wish that drawfag was still here this is perfect
>>38659751>>Lionel are you crying?>>"Fuck you Robert! "
>Be Mortrion>wished somebody would care about me>nobody cares about me>at least I've got a bitchen chain scythe
>>38643501>Boing>hull breachI'm fucking dying
>>38657093I don't get why he was staring at his paint job..
>>38663761It's a reference to a previous story where Bjorn is stolen by the Blood Ravens, and they don't even do a very good job painting him red.
>>38663761For your reading pleasure.
>>38662078And thus, you have summed up the entirety of Mortrion's character.He's practically a lost primarch.
>>38656736As a loyal SW player, I must say this is how it must have gone down.Russ ain't a bright bulb even when he's sober.
>>38664073He does have some character, but his story can be summed up as:>Dad No.1 is a spoopy magic monster and also a jackass>Try and kill him>New Dad makes me serve him but at least he's not a spoopy magic monster jackass>Boy do I hate jackasses, magic and monsters>Wait Dad2 is a jackass>Wait Dad2 uses magic>Fuck this>Gets signed up to be a spoopy magic monster jackass by Typhus and the battle of Terra
>>38664240Hey, don't blame Leman. It's not his fault he's like a dorf. He needs booze to function.
>>38655905>> Commissar Kharn... that's a funny idea. But I do like their hats.
>Be Magnus>Be reading a book>Trying not to think about the gate I wrecked>Or psychic wall>Or the deal I made...>Or Dad. >What was that thing for anyways?>Oh shit, it's that little bitch Ahriman again.>Probably coming to try and steal my stuff again. He's always talking about "Sorcery this! And THE LEGION that!" Why can't he just read books like me?>Is yelling at me about Leman Russ>Tell him to fuck off and not to worry about it>Starts screaming about Russ breaking the Library>Tell him not to worry about it, that dumbass does that all the time.>(Plus, I have all the good books in my room anyways)>Ahriman leaves (Thank the Gods)>Okay, back to reading>Suddenly something smashes into my room.>It's a fucking Leman Russ>Obviously drunk>Tell him the kennel is down stairs>Starts screaming about nerds>Sets my room on fire>Breaks my back>I just wanted to read.
>>38664274man it really does suck to be Mortrion>"fuck, our navigators are dead">"wait, Typhus is psychic, maybe he can get us out">he said yes, we can go help Dad.>wait, why is everything getting weird all of a sudden.>fucking Typhus betrayed me.>well better just go with it.>least i still get my chain scythe.
>>38666569Is >least I still get my chain scythe the >pain gloveof Mortarion?
>>38666852no it would be breathing in toxic fumes, the only other thing he's know for.i just really like the idea of a chain scythe
>>38667194anon, the anon meant as a literary tool.
>>38667270well that is how I've been using it, but it might not fit too well for different posts.actually, painglove isn't used to much either, but i'll be fucked if i know what a literary device is.
>>38643804Oh god, I'm going to read everything relating to Guilliman in his voice now.
>>38638484>>38626861>>38655905>>38643501The most successful planetary raid in all of Humanity's history.>>38660253Don't worry, I haven't abandoned you yet.
>>38627763Oh god i pissed myself laughing
>>38657594Fine, he's been campaigning a bit.
>>38669619Oh lawwwwwwd. Keep going man, keep going!
>>38657788>what the fuck am i reading.jpg
>>38618382>she must have really liked the skull I gave her
>be Alpharius>or maybe not>can't really remember>who cares anyway
>>38650301Actually LOLed, nice one anon
>Be Omegon>erryone thinks I'm Alpharius>nobody ever claims to be Omegon>Walk up to guard, tell him who I am>denied entry>Rub mud on face>Yo, I'm Vulcan or some shit>Hail and enter great Primarch>Swear I'm going to kill you all slowly
>>38659751>>38660253>>38669619The Primarchs really knew how to hit it off didn't they?
>>38670896heheheheh that vein.
>>3867089610/10 keep doing this anon
>>38658768I'm pretty sure the indomitable few were the ones he could trust explicitly. Not win any fight no matter the odds.
I kind of want to hear about angron on his day off.
>>38658191I think he's supposed to be Conan the Barbarian, basically.Book Conan, not film Conan.He believes in social darwinism and is a hard cunt, but he's ultimately sensible.
>>38671374No, it was "win any fight regardless of odds". Or so it's written in some book.
>>38664019I never got this. Was Bjorn kidnapped by blood angels or world eaters (the red theme) and decided to play along because he was tired of the wolf theme and never going to war?
>>38671961>Blood RavensThe ones who steal everything? That'd make sense.
>>38616336Canaries are shit.
>>38671993This weapon always seemed to have a tiny bolter in place of a handle imo. He's holding it with his left hand.
>Be Imperial Fist>chilling with a bro in our fortress>Dorn visited us once, praised our fortifications>Told us that we should fortify it even more, just in case the two of us ever had to hold off the entire Black Crusade>I'm not one to doubt my Primarch, but I'm pretty sure he didn't like me>He wasn't even paying attention to anything we said, like he hated being here>He spent the entire time building miniature fortifications around himself>The entire time>The kitchen area is now entirely inaccessible>Never even made eye contact>Pretty sure I heard him mumble something along the lines of "gay as fuck">I knew Brother Donivus's haircut was strange, but that's a little uncalled for>Too tired to continue fortifications, just staring at the communications screen>Brother Donivus is asleep in the corner>suddenly the screen flashes too life>a traitor is one the screen, big and ugly as hell>He says some shit about our chapter being a failure and all servant of some false shit being shitty>Says some shit about Dorn being dead>Donivus is awake, now>"What the fucks going on, who is this fag?">He repeats the thing about our Primarch being dead, I think he was trying to be poetic or something>So I call him out, "Prove it fag">He steps aside, there's a few chucklefucks standing around a dead body, desecrating it>It does kind of look like Dorn, but I turn to my bro>He's giving me the same look>I look back at the fucktards on the screen>He was still laughing at one of his own jokes or some shit when I interrupted him>"That ain't Dorn.">The look on his face, priceless>"Wha- No. This is YOUR Primarch.">Bro chimes in, "Yeah, nah.">"I don't see a single fortification around his body.">He starts sputtering>Calls us fools and tells us he's going to destroy our chapter or some shit>I take the inspiration words of our primarch and call him gay as fuck>Cut off communications>Brother Donivus goes back to sleep>I decide to stare at the wall for a while
>>38616988We know Abaddon fights Sigi, nothing more. I wouldn't be surprised if a missile hits the building or whatever and everyone escapes to fight another day
>>38673032was that perturabo?
Why does Dorn get such an anticlimactic death?There's so many questions left unanswered. He was the only loyalist primarch who didn't run to the eye of terror or die during or shortly after the HH. He was still around hundreds of years later but yet it's never mentioned what he does or how he reacted to this. He was possibly one of the most powerful men in the imperium yet he dies on some inconsequential ship boarding action and is never mentioned again
>>38627463Actually we know pretty well what happened to Girlyman, he had his throat cut by Fulgrim wielding the Anathame, and got bundled into stasis as a result
>>38673624and good riddance
>>38635640Lorgar implies that Magnus inherited daddies ability to appear differently to different people. So some see him as literal cyclops, some as an Odin-style plucked out ma eye for knowledge type, and others with a third Navigator Eye type thing
>>38659751I see a trend here, the better childhood they had the less liked they are by their brothers. Girly,Magnus,Lorgar...
>>38649493Well fluff has always had them creatign new Blood Angels by interring the neophytes in archeotech sarcophagi that pump them full of Primarch blood to transform them from scabby Baalites into angelic supermen
>>38673743by that logic Angron should be super popular, but nobody likes fucking Angron
>>38673540I don't think he is dead. It's too vague. Even the rest of his chapters don't believe it. I assume he is banged up in a cell somewhere like half the loyalists. If GW they can bring him back in a second.
>>38653550Nope, red thirst was written as always there under the surface, but the sane BA were able to ignore it and confine their blood drinking to their rituals with the grail.Black Rage was the psychic echo of Sanguinius's death, and made those affected start to relive that final battle. It also made them unable to resist the Red Thirst, so they got put in Death Companies to earn a glorious death, otherwise they would end up in the tower with the others who succumbed to the Thirst. Mephiston is the only one who;s ever fallen to the Thirst and come out the other side with his sanity intact
>>38673800There's some fluff where chapter masters of the imperial fists carve their names into dorn's fingerbones. But, the way GW works we could easily find they're not actually his bones
kekking memetastic thread bros.
>>38673743Vulkan had a pretty decent childhood, and he's not disliked particularlyMagnus has plenty of friends - the books have him being buddies with Lorgar, Perturabo, Sanguinius and the Khan in particular. It's only really Russ, Angron and Mortarion who dislike him
>>38674129Vulkan isn't in your face about everything amazing that ever happened to him or that he accomplished. That's the difference.Guilliman's all like "You know, I'd have conquered that planet by now."Everyone else is like "SHUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING FACE, YOU PRIMARCH-LEVEL FAGGOT!"And Vulkan's just like "Hey, whatever man. Whatever works for your own legion."
>>38669619>>38670896I love this thread.
>>38657223It would be alright if the chest piece went higher and he didn't have that collar that COMPLETELY SEVERS HIS TRAPS
> Be Kharn> Poker night with the lads> Esca keeps winning > I'm 100% sure this asshole is reading our minds> Remind me again why I play with a librarian> Remember something important> Magnus was visiting Angron> I have a bad feeling.> Tell Esca to put on his psyker hood> "Why"> "Just do it."> "I won't put on the hood goddamnit, it fucks with my hair."> "You don't have any hair" Said Kharnos> My head is starting to hurt> "Esca just put the goddamn hood; It's for you own goddamn safety" I say> "FINE! But I don't see why, seriously what the hell could happen to m-"> Esca's eyes rolled to the back of his head and started glowing yellow> He dropped the hood and started punching himself in the face yelling and spazzing all the white> Blood started comming out of his eyes and ears. Thick white froth started comming out of his mouth> "YYEEBLEBLEBLEBLEARRRHHHHHHH" > Esca trashing his arms around. Skane get's punched in the face by a flailing arm. Goes flying.> Me and Khargos are looking at each other> "First time I ever saw a psyker have a convulsion"> "Should I check on him or somet-"> "KHARN" > Oh for the love of Terra > "KHARN! I CAN SEE YOU!"> "M-my Sire...?"> "HA! HI THERE! IS THIS WORKING?!"> "Y-yes... but how are you doing this?"> "MAGNUS TAUGHT ME THIS FUNNY WORD, THEN THIS HAPPENED!"> Oh for fuck's sake> "WHERE AM I?"> "Back in the Conqueror, Sire... inside Esca." > "WHAT?!"> "You've just possed Esca... the librarian."> "WHAT THE FUCK?! I CAN'T DO THAT! I'M NOT A MAGICIAN!"> "WAIT A MINUTE! THAT FUCKING MAGNUS! OH I'LL KILL THAT ASSHOLE"> Esca/Angron did a flip backwards and sprinted off to the side> "I'LL FUCKING KILL HI-"> Straight into the hull and out into the void of space> Hull breach> Being sucked out> Servitors being sucked out, Guardsmen being sucked out> Esca still yelling in the vaccum, punching someone that isn't there> Flying past the command bay port> Hi Lotara> I should stop letting Angron out so much.
>>38675626I'm loving it!And thinking of someone throwing punches out in the vacuum of space is great!
>Be a Night Lord>Be a grumpy old Night Lord>Wonder how things came to this>Travel around with some brothers for ten thousand years>Find a sigh that would put fear into you if were a normal human being>See a legion sized fleet of astartes vessels from an unknown legion>Wonder what the frak is going on>The flagship is hailing you>Play it cool>Some woman's voice is on the other end
>>38676215>Claims she as a primarch>Try to resist laughing my power codpiece of>Have to shoot one of my brothers in the left pauldron to get him to stop laughing
>>38676266>She asks about why a bolt pistol went off>I tell her that one of one of the legion serfs was a psyker and the Warp took over him.>Had to put him down>she'snotbuyingit.jpeg
>>38677090I had the thought of Night Lords meeting 40k!Samus. This might of been a horrible idea.
>>38673795Angron had a big happy Gladiator Family that he loved and fought for and with and sometimes against and went Spartacus alongside.It was damn saccharine Big E let them all die so Angron wouldn't get bullied.
>>38675626I just lost my sides. Are those texts about Kharn from the same guy?