Don't mind me, I'm just looking for the fragments of my soul floating around in here.

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>>37476470
BY KHORNES BRASS BALLS, WE ARE SO FUCKING LOST.

>>37476470
Gork and Mork sulplex each other and Slaanesh.

I took the wrong turn looking for the bathroom, am I still in Costco?

>>37476525
You must not be a clever man.

>>37476534
Just really need to pee and the last toilet i saw tried to unzip my dick.

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>>37476505
OI, ITS DEM SPIKY GITS. TOLD YA SAILING INTA DAT WARPSTORM WERE A GOOD IDEA

Fucking hell, this is what I get for falling asleep at the keyboard during an online homebrew game. I think I saw the Emprah just now, so I shouldn't be in too much danger... I hope.

>>37476562
That was probably a daemonette.

>>37476570
Ask him how's his day going.

>>37476604
I would, but he kind of disappeared. Are you one of those daemons I've read so much about, random voice?

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>>37476470

>>37476618
Nope. I'm just Kaldor Dracio. I'm trying to get out of this place after a Deathwatch marine broke my nose after thinking I'm a daemon impersonating a marine.

wait a second. this isn't the dairy aisle.

>>37476672
Welcome to Hell. Do you want Hell with blood, Hell with plans, Hell with rape, or Hell with diseases?

HOW THE FUCK DO ALL THESE MORTALS KEEP GETTING IN HERE

WHERE DID ALL OF THESE PUNY HUMAN MORTALS COME FROM?! OH WELL, MORE SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!

>>37476744
Apparently Costco,my lord.

>>37476744
Hey, I'm just here to watch the weekly hyper poker game.

>>37476723
Um.... can I have Hell Lite? I'm trying to stay on a diet.

>>37476796
Hell Lite? I think you'd have to turn right at Hell with Blood. Don't go into the Casino. No one leaves.

>>37476737
It's not that bad, is it? I always love having more guests for dinner.
>>37476796
Sorry lad, we're all out.

>>37476773
>>37476787
YOU TWO WILL BE THE FIRST TO ADORN THIS NEW PILE OF SKULLS... AFTER THE POKER GAME. WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE OTHERS?!

Huh?

Well the life free of pain and mind destroying horror was fun while it fhffgsfddgnkojvfdh

>>37476820
damn... OH wait, im not supposed to say that here in hell am i?

>>37476814
Ah, thank you sir! But what happens in the casino? Its not like there's a gateway into slaanesh's realm there is there?

>>37476827
Right in front of you, lad. Can we try blackjack this week?

>>37476503
Over here! We/I had the same idea!

>>37476820
>>37476827
Oh, shit, two out of four of the gods are already here... I'm fucked, aren't I?
>inb4 Slaanesh shows up because I said 'fucked'

>>37476849
Someone needs to fix the door. Hey, Dad, if you're not to busy reviving your daily sacrifice of a thousand souls, mind helping me out here?
>>37476861
You don't know about the Chaos Casino in the Formless Wastes?

>>37476889
Don't look behind you. S/he's already behind you. You're already being raped before you even know it. You might of had a chance to roll for anal circumference, but you had to ruin the chance to prepare your anus.

>>37476889
Did somebody say fucked?
>>37476503
>>37476744
>>37476820
Oh it's poker day.

>>37476892
Weeeeell. I have heard if it. I've been the casino in the formless depths, I've visited the pub in the twisting abyss (they do lovely crab cakes there) and I'm pretty sure that I went to that one place that we're not supposed to talk about. You know the one.

Any recommendations from the menu for the casino in the formless wastes?

>>37476892
That's the eye of terror you're pointing at, Draigo.
>>37476931
Hello, little one. How're the cultists?

>>37476923
Shut it Kaldor or I'll stuff it with a hundred cocks.
>>37476948
They won't stop boning long enough to properly worship me. Go figure,

Where in the Tau'Va am I?

>>37476941
I know nothing of it. I'm not allowed. But it is near the Batisca of Torment. It's ran by Slaanesh part time, and you won't get off Mr. Bones Wild Ride.
>>37476948
Thank you, pusbag.

>>37476923
>>37476931
AW, FUCK ME!
Emprah, Papa Nurgle, anyone help me! I don't want to be a cock-sleeve for the queen of depraved hedonists!

>>37476963
I'm just going to head to the Eye. Bye the way, Tzeentch said your boobs are not excessively big enough.

>>37476963
What can you do, right? You can always give them to Isha and I if they're ever too much trouble.
>>37476971
You're welcome lad. Let me go get you a beer, you look terrible.
>>37476985
I'm here lad, what do you need?

>>37476985
You're making it hard on yourself, man. You shouldn't say her trigger words.

>>37476985
But you just said "Aw, FUCK ME!" How am I supposed to take that little one?
>>37476993
How dare he. My breasts are orders of magnitudes larger then the eye of terror thanks to warp shenanigans. What more does he want?

>>37477012
Kinda a hypocrite aren't ya lad? "You're making it HARD on yourself?" That's just asking for trouble, don't worry, Papa Nurgle is here to give you a hug.

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>>37476931
Hey guys, made it. I'm still down for hyperpoker, but was wondering if you wanted to try something different for a *snkrt* CHANGE?

>>37477058
Boobs that have chocolate coming out of them. That and he wants them big enough to break your back.

>>37477058
It's a figure of goddamn speech, you insatiable beast!
>>37477010
Keep Slaanesh away from me, please, I don't want to have to roll for anal circumference.

>>37477058
Leave the poor mortal alone. He is faithful so he is mine.

>>37477012
Sup, Draigo.

>>37476985
Chill I got this.

>>37477083
No thanks. I have an allergy to Chaos. My Apothecary said to take a vacation.

>>37477090
Who are you and why do I feel like you are the least of my worries at this moment?

>>37477111
PRAISE BE THE EMPRAH!
Now, someone said something about a poker game?

>>37477090
Ooh, we could always do charades! You know, spice it up a little. Or maybe order a bouncy house and you know...bounce around? Whatever makes you youngins' happy makes Papa Nurgle happy.

>>37477111
Hey, Dad. Mind helping me here?

>>37477138
Give me the run down.

Take this you filthy gang-

Uhh... Fuck.

>>37477091
>>37477090
TZNEETCH!!! What is the meaning of this. My breasts are a part of the warp itself!
>>37477111
You've always gotta kill the buzz... Learn to do some coke once in a while. Or some cock. Whatever you REALLY want.
>>37477131
Stay faithful mortal. Slip too far and watch me rape your soooooul.
>>37477166
Hellllllllllo there~

>>37477166
Failed the roll, eh?

>>37477152
Boy looks tired, lad, maybe you should take him home early.
>>37477166
Ooh, is that the smell of a Hive on you, boy? Ooh, I remember the diseases I'v cooked up for you folks.

>>37477181
Back off tranny reject.
>>37477166
Is also mine.

>>37477187
Praise be to He, could it really be th-

>>37477181
Well double fuck.

>>37477138
I'm stuck here because of a Word Bearer daemon prince, and this place hasn't been too kind to me. That and my nose is broken.

Hi guiys, I'm Timmy.

Can I pway?

>>37477218
Silly Gue'la, your superstitions aren't - wait what just ran behind me?

>>37477119
>>37477119
Ah, my little blue fire warrior, that's because I prefer to wait and watch a little longer than my, ah, associates here. But don't worry, I've got something planned for you all the same.
>>37477136
Khorne's the spoilsport, going to have to run it by him or we'll never get his brass ass to stop complaining
>>37477181
Bitch, you know you love it

>>37477181
Secretly I wouldn't mind it, but the price to pay isn't worth it... sorry.
Maybe Emps will give me an SoB to hang with if I'm deemed worthy enough... maybe.

>>37477218
Ooh, my wife knows a little about medicine, she can patch you right up.
>>37477215
Lay off her lad, she's just in his emotional stage of development.
>>37477240
Aren't you a cute little rascal, come give your Grandpappy Nurgle a hug!

>>37477244
You are on your own xeno, sorry I got no claim to you.

>>37477240
Certainly Timmy! The first game is called Get In The Sack. First, I'll hold out a sack, and you have to jump in. Then you get to do it too, and then everyone wins! Ready?

>>37477244
Probably Slaanesh's tentacles.
>>37477248
Tell her about the chocolate fountain boobs!
>>37477262
She'd just be a maid or secretary.
>>37477275
Thanks again, pussbag. How's her cooking?

>>37477215
Oh fine. But only 'cause it's you.
>>37477244
That'd be me.
>>37477248
Damned right I do.
>>37477262
Hahahaha. Sorry Empra. This one is already mine! Look at his corrupt soul and weep.

>>37477262
The Sisters? They're a solid bunch! I can't say I could ever complain about having a boltgun backing me up!

Not sure why they don't like me, though.

>>37477248
Where is Khorne anyway? Hopefully off getting some beers.

>>37477290
The best a married man like me can ask for!

>>37477262
You gotta impress women not me for that. But you DID meet me... if you can convince a sister of that without getting shot...

>>37477308
Hey, HEY! Just because I like to beat the meat every once in a while to some unorthodox fetishes doesn't mean I'm about to join up with your twisted and fucked-up cult!

>>37477289
Okay!

Now Hwat, mister?

>>37477324
I might have to test this out.
>>37477309
It's a thing. I think Magnus had something to do with it.

>>37477334
Uh... can I chip off a piece of your armor or something, then? Or would it just disintegrate once I get back into realspace?

>>37477335
DAMN RIGHT! You tell em brother!

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>>37477324
BEER FOR THE BEER GOD
KEGS FOR THE KEG STAND

>>37477275
I'm dis many, mistah!

I'm gownna be the bestist God I can.

>>37477364
I am not really here. This is just my mental projection... well one of them. So It would be pointless, sorry.

>>37477394
Hello little god. Would you like some special candy?
>>37477324
I've got booze covered. And coke.
And warp meth.
And Steroids.
>>37477364
>>37477335
Oh you don't even realize how the war works do you?
>>37477380
I AM THE BEER GOD!

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I am here to rustle jimmies! I have the dreadaxe, but I have one question. Are your jimmies ready?

>>37477337
Now I tie up the sack and save you until Nurgle breaks out his famous guacamole. Fresh gods make for good eating.

>>37477308
So the military commander we killed was... not you. Well, then.

>>37477276
So you are the Emperor the Gue'la always speak of?

>>37477403
I only know as much about the Warp as I've read in books. It's not like I've lived in here for thousands of years like yourself.

>>37477434
Yes he is, Xeno. Show him the proper respect.

>>37477434
Yes I am he. And you are?

>>37477403
I can't take candy from stwangas, my mommy said so.
>>37477416
I don't wike Gwuacamole, it's icky.

>>37477365
You look like you could use a hug, boyo. Come here!
>>37477363
Glad to hear it, come by the gardens next time you get a chance
>>37477380
>>37477403
Calm down you two, you both can be beer gods of the highest caliber as long as you believe in yourselves.
>>37477405
Oh no, not this fucker again.
>>37477416
Can't we keep him? Isha always wanted a kid, and well, I'm not really good at the whole "Siring an heir thing"

>>37477403
>steroids
As if your pansy ass ever went to the gym. I bet even Nurgle over here could beat you in an arm wrestling match.

>>37477468
I'll be sure to do that.

>>37477468
Ugh, fine, we don't have to eat the whole thing. But what if I still take a hand? It'd make for some killer finger food.

>>37477468
Yes, it's me! Hey, fatman! Guess what? I freed your wife!
>>37477462
Kid, prepare for the ride of your life.

>>37477468
Oh sweet mother of the emperor... Don't come any closer you! I have hand sanitizer and I'm not afraid to use it!

>>37477468
How is Isha?

>>37477405
Oh please. When was the last time you did anything significant?
>>37477434
Haha. Oh I always forget how ignorant your people are. Saved only by how little you appeal to us. Prepare to be... Educated.
>>37477443
>Thousands.
My god. You just. Emps. Seriously. Just let me eat him. Or you eat him. Somebody eat him.
>>37477462
...Did you mommy say anything about cock from strangers?
>>37477469
I am honed to perfection in every way. I am as strong as you want me to be.

>>37477405
Hey Malice? If you're set on destroying Chaos, how 'bout you kill yourself first huh? How's that for a fucking plan?

>>37477460
Shas'La Bor'kan Ko'el J'karra, sir. If only the Water Caste were here, we could begin negotiations properly.

>>37477458
Forgive me, my social graces are not as refined as those of the Water Caste.

>>37477501
... You did what?

>>37477501
My wife's been free ever since we've met, little god.
>>37477516
Not anymore it isn't,no weapons on poker night.
>>37477517
She's doing great, thanks for asking Emps. She's been trying new recipes in the kitchen recently and her pies, oomph, to die for!

>>37477530
Shut it harlot. You drove Isha into Nurgles arms... you get no help from me. And you stole my son(s) from me!

>>37477517
She's running for her life and looking for a man.
>>37477540
I took my axe, and destroyed her cage. I think she needs help.
>>37477530
When I burned your weed stash.
>>37477532
Not before I ruin you and the other three idiots' plans, nerd.

>>37477530
What? You are ten thousand years old, aren't you? The Eldar birthed you out of their degeneracy in the 30th millennium, right?

>>37477501
Is it a fun ride? I like the ones where you go up really fast and then down really fast and then you go into the dark tunnel, but I'm a god now so I don't get scared anymore in the scary tunnel anymore.
>>37477530
What's a cock? Is that a cookie? My favorite cookie is chocolate chip, because raisins are icky and chewy and mommy said that I can't eat them because they make me have nightmares, but I don't get them anymore because I'm a god now so I can make my own dreams.

>>37477530
Alright, Ill bet a billion souls you can't beat Khorne at wrestling. Deal?

>>37477571
Hey, moron. You do realize if a certain, handsome black and white god decided to screw you over, you'd know to think of me right?

>>37477539
Caste? So your people follow a caste system? What do you call yourselves? And Why should I care?

>>37477571
by the chapped buttocks of the emperor... hug me and i'll tell everyone about your cleaning products collection.

>>37477539
Try your best.

>>37477587
...(Is this my chance, NO she is a filthy xeno goddess...) Damn I forgot you can all read thoughts here...

>>37477597
Kid, it's full of mental screws that drive you into madness. It never ends. The more you hope it ends, the more it won't. Hope fuels it.

>>37477605
A billion souls on it ends with someone being fucked with a chainaxe!
>>37477614
Nah, tat'd require you to be handsome. I'll thank Emps instead, he seems a lot more capable than you.

>>37477587
Too fucking late, Khorne's fucked off somewhere and we can't start the poker game without him. Ooo, aargh, all my glorious plans foiled, CREED and all that shit. How about you make yourself useful and fetch that red and bronze bastard, THEN you can take a dump in the punch bowl or whatever.

>>37477587
I can always just do this blow.
>>37477595
I am EXCESS. Names and manifestations aside. I have been in the warp since before the first sentient races invented toilet paper. The eldars fun only created a power large enough for me to manifest and consume them. Becoming a god...
>>37477605
>>37477662
Everything ends with me getting fucked with a chainsaw...

>>37477647
Hey, man, it's okay. The only real competition for here is that clown. you know the one.
>>37477662
I'm going to burn your garden and children for that.
>>37477664
Nah, I think I'll just ruin your plans.

>>37477697
What did you do with Timmy, hag? I think I know where you got that blow from.

>>37477702
If only you could, you miserable excuse for a god.

>>37477697
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you didn't become sapient until the Eldar did their orgy crap. Either way, you're still the youngest and weakest of the Ruinous Powers. So weak I'm tempted to take you up on that previous offer in the hopes that I might be able to resist your corruption... or is that just your aura of horniness starting to leak into my brain? Uh, Emps, a little help?

>>37477697
No, everything ends with you fucking a chainsaw, big difference sweetie. Where's that beer.

I mean, for My sakes, I get one day a week to get away from all my convoluted scheming and elaborate planning one time a week to shoot the shit with you guys, and the Jolly Red Jackass doesn't bother showing up, I mean what are the odds?

>>37477741
On it.*snaps* Your good.

>>37477730
Do you know what I do? What I'm God of? At least we're in the same boat. Who would worship you?

>>37477766
He probably just got caught up in a brawl somewhere. Maybe we should get Khaine or someone to step in for him, if he's even here...

>>37477741
Papa Nurgle's still here for you lad.
>>37477766
Don't worry lad, he has to show up eventually. He loves poker night!

>>37477793
Khaine can't make it. He's too busy getting killed by everything. You might want to get C-Roach.

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>>37477651
Nuh Uh, I'm a god which means that I can be like the big boy gods which means that I can do whatever I want. See, I even have a pin that I made myself. I was out of colors because mommy doesn't want me using all my crayons because I keep losing them.

(Hey, I'm going to bed, anyone is free to hop in for Mr. T here)

>>37477783
Much better!
Oh, by the way, you heard about that crap with the Ecclesiarchy and Inquisition forcing everybody to worship you yet?

>>37477727
Nothing yet. And I got this warp coke where I get all my drugs. Nurgles garden.
>>37477741
Hahaha. I don't even have to do anything. They corrupt themselves nowadays.
>>37477783
Damnit. Why do you always save them?
>>37477766
I've got some beer right here. I think I saw Khorne earlier and he ADD'd off somewhere looking for a fight. He'll be back.

>>37477783
Dad, still waiting for that help.

>>37477839
He did always love his little bastards more then you didn't he.

>>37477815
That's adorable, Kid.
>>37477828
Found him.

>>37477861
Emps knows his Primarchs can take care of themselves, which is why he usually helps out the little guy first, the ones who are more vulnerable and weak to Chaos.

>>37477815
So what are you the god of Little T?

>>37477861
He's busy. You try doing what he does? Guardsmen pray 24/7, it's kind of annoying really. I wish I could get out of here before I hear another one pray about not getting burned by a Sister because he said he liked her friends' boobs more.

>>37477815
That's great, son! Can't wait to show that to Isha later!

>>37477895
Shit, forget that, Kaldor isn't a Primach, but he's still a really powerful Chapter Master.

>>37477839
My son, you have been given what you need. Kidding you just didn't tell me what you need.

>>37477861
Fuck off and
>>37477828
They are my people, my reason for existing.

>>37477936
That's only funny when it's a Guardsman. A way out. Preferably a way where I'm sent back here.

>>37477865
Nuh Uh, it's cool and that means I'm cool and I can be like the big boy gods and I'm gonna have, like, a bazillion followers and we're gonna have a big fortress and no girls are gonna get in because girls are icky except mommy because she bakes cookies when I get hungry.

And then I'm going to go to the golden seat thing and I'm gonna call the Emperor stupid and then he's gonna get sad and cry and then I'm gonna be the bestest god in the warp.
>>37477898
I'm-I'm the god of coolness and dinosaurs, but mommy said I was the god of death and wolves. But death isn't cool like dinosaurs, but wolves are cool too I guess. But mommy said that if I was going to be a god, I had to stay with what I was made for and do that stuff or I have to stop being god and I have to go back to the darkness.

>>37477895
Which you oh so clearly are.
>>37477911
God you fools really do brainwash yourselves into trusting him don't you.
>>37477936
I do suppose that's part of what I love about you.

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I knew we shoulda made that left turn at Albuquerque!

>>37477936
Truly Emps is the leader that humanity needs, not that humanity deserves.

>>37477969
It's better than enslaving people because of your looks.

>>37477964
Did you try grabbing a ship about to leave warp?

>>37477969
Hey, you have to admit, for a mere mortal trapped in the twisting turbulence of the Warp, surrounded on all sides by the myriad forces of Chaos, I'm doing a pretty good job resisting this shit.

>>37477936
Can I at least have Isha fix his nose? The boy sounds funny with the congealing blood.
>>37477983
Ooh! Even more party guests! Here, have some beer and chips. See the sights!

>>37477969
Back off drug idled harlot.

>>37477986
Someone has to do it.

>>37478004
Tried. But this terminator armor slows me down. That and too many daemons are waiting for gellar fields to fail to get to it.

>>37478036
You two are so cute together!
>>37477968
Those are big dreams, little Timmy! But if you believe in yourself, you'll be able to accomplish anything, unlike that big meanie Malal.

>>37478037
How about boarding a hulk and I push it through? It will be insanely dangerous, but ...

>>37478060
We are NOT together. I don't care if you do ship it, it is NOT happening!

>>37477983
Hi, I'm Timmy! You wanna see my action figures? Mommy said that I had to get rid of my other action figures because I needed to make room for the car-carcass-carcesses of the fallen to put daemons into them, but i kept them in my room because Big Ym'gral is the best god and I wanna be like him when I grow up. Oh, I also have a doggie I named Loudie because whenever he talks, the other not god people grabs their ears and scream. It's probably because Loudie is too loud, but he sounds quiet to me.

>>37477702
Ohoho, did someone mention moi?

Emps, old boy, you forgot to tell me it was poker night. Khorne's coming, he met me along the way and told me to tell you that there's not going to be any beer.

Courtesy of that black and white idiot over there.

>>37477597
Haha! Now who is this? A new young lad to tell jokes and stories with? Tis ever a pleasure to meet a new audience. Welcome, young 'un.

>>37477697
Slaanesh. Always a displeasure. How's the old dick, still limp as ever?

>>37478098
Lad, when I first met Isha, I knew I was going to marry that goddess. It was just fate, you know? I see that same love when I look at the two of you. I just you to be happy, you know?

>>37477968
Oh, get a look of this, Emperor! The new kid thinks he can take your place! I think I know who the Star Child is, but first, I want cookies. What kind does your mom bake, Timmy?

>>37478140
Jokester! How are you doing, lad? I hope the Harlequins are doing well?

>>37478060
>>37478098
>>37478141
I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit jealous of you, Emps. Both because you're able to naturally resist the corruption of Chaos so you can do that kind of shit with Slaanesh, and because Nurgle the Love Guru Grandpa is shipping you guys.

>>37478098
Are you Mr.Emperor? I'm Timmy. Mommy said that I had to hate you because you're bad and hate gods because you can't be cool like gods. I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to hate you because mommy said so and mommy gets angry when I don't listen...
>>37478140
You look funny, are you a clown? Clowns scare me sometimes, but I'm a god so I don't get scared. Do you wanna see the new action figures I have?
>>37478153
Mommy said that if I want more cookies than what she gave me that i need to send out my daemons to harvest the dead and corrupt because she's out of flour. Don't tell mommy, but I accidentally dropped flower into the real place and I got a lot of dead people to put daemons into.

>>37478172
In performing trim as ever, grandfather. We thought that our next performance might be a garden party.

>>37478177
If it wasn't for THAT things birth, the warp would never have been cut off during the Age of Strife! Also s/he is the unfaithful as a dolphin and I don't swing that way.

>>37478201
Thise sound quite nice, young one, such strong stories!

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>>37478201
>everybody ignores horrible implications of an unknown goddess which spawned this little Timmy god

>>37478177
Love is everywhere, little guy, here, there, in the hearts of you, me, even Tzeentch! My goal is to help spread the love.
>>37478201
I think you should tell your mommy about the flour, young Timmy, you have to take responsibility for your actions.
>>37478250
Brilliant!I'm sure Isha would love to have an old friend over! Would you and your troupe like to stay for a meal?

>>37478201
I hate Chaos, not gods. And my old plan didn't work. who is this mother of yours?

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>>37478060
>>37478140
Hey, C-Roach! But one thing, the both of you.

Do you know who I am? I am the Patriarch of Anarchy, the Outcast God, and so on. I am the Chaos God of Paradoxes, Anarchy, Destruction, Nihilism, Self-loathing, and Vengeance. I'm a parasite. As long as Chaos is around, I'm going to be around. And there is a lot of that around. Rebellions caused by oppressed Imperials because of unjust nobles. When a man hates his boss, I'm there. Are you implying that a little Guardsman hasn't wanted to kill his commanding officer before? Do you think I care about what you have to say about me? I hate myself almost as you. My real plan is to destroy you two, Chaos, and everyone in between. All I need is a chance.

>>37478201
>>37478274
I have a feeling that Slaanesh is hiding something here...

Slaanesh out to do more drugs. byebe!

>>37478076
I am ready.

>>37478258
Oh, now Empsy, don't get sour! You really need to have a little fun once in a while, see a show.

>>37478310
Good riddance.
I love you ;-;

>>37478328
Are you sure? You could always just wait til I die or am healed... this is really dangerous.

>>37478201
I see. Yep, you're a young Chaos God with big dreams. I remember when I was your age. Can we have the rest of this conversation in the back alley, and do you mind that I bring the dreadaxe?

>>37478310
Ohhh no you don't you ineffiminate uncultured swine. You are going to sit there and enjoy the game, and if you lose, you're explaining this young lad's purpose

>>37478365
On second thought, I can wait.

>>37478351
*glares at you* Do we need to talk about putting your d in crazy?

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>>37478036
>Somebody had to do it.
I kept saying that, but did anyone listen? No.

>>37478283
But when mommy gets angry, she breaks things and she's scary when she's angry...
>>37478295
Mommy said her name is lost because she's been here since a long time ago. Mommy also said that you were naughty to Chaos and for that you're kids have to go too... But mommy said that we can be friends after that! Then I can show you my action figures.
>>37478366
What's a dreadaxe? Is it like a fireman's axe that they use to break into people's homes to save them? I hate those axes because I don't get to keep many bodies after that...

>>37478395
N-no Emps, that was just a really strong wave of Chaos that tried to push inside my fragile mortal mind... I think I'm fine now.

>>37478402
Sort of. It has a dinosaur like head on it. Want to look?

>>37478400
Son? You still exist? Are you still insane?

>>37478384
Cool brah. We will chill til then.

>>37478305
Oh no, old boy, that just won't do. Look, I have some quite nice young dancers just dying to meet a cute foreigner. Harlequin! Get this man some tickets!

>>37478439
I think so. But I'm not as insane as some of these folks. Being a soul drifting in the Warp gives you a lot of time to think.

>>37478435
I like dinosaurs because they're big and cool. I like the ones that have horns on their heads because they can flip things and fight off big scary monsters.

>>37478457
Why are you always shipping your xenos on to my people? Like Lofn wasn't enough...

>>37478439
I'll call when I'm ready.

>>37478301
Whoop-di-do, you little shit. You hate yourself, congrat-u-fucking-lations, you waste of warp space. You love to brag about how you've messed with all of us hard working chaos folk because "I hate you and all you stand for!" Do you know how stupid that sounds? You can't be end? Same goes for us too, pa! Khorne will live as long as there is blood in life and in death. Slaanesh will exist in the memories and skills of every generation of eldar. Tzeentch will continue to plot because there are choices to be made and webs to be spun.
And I? I am a god of love, and of disease; never say I don't acknowledge my faults, but I am the oldest. Disease of the mind, of the body, love, the disease of the heart, these all feed me. Emp's love for his humans? That is the greatest love I have ever witnessed and you cannot break that, whelp.

>>37478499
>Emp's love for his humans? That is the greatest love I have ever witnessed and you cannot break that
Then why do you and the other gods try if you just admitted it's an exercise in futility?

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>>37478472
Here's one of my followers with it.
>>37478499
Hey, guess what? I can enter the material realm and eat more mortal souls than you can. And no one loves you by choice. You infect people with your "love" and then somebody has to kill that baby with your rot.

>>37478485
Emps, my lad, I am in the entertainment business, and if there's one thing I know works, it's a little dramatic romance. The audiences go crazy for it!

Now as to Lofn, that was none of my affair. Ask Isha, oh wait…Bahahahaha!

>>37478529
That is Nurgle man, it is just what he does.

>>37478529
Because we're dicks.

>>37478471
Hi, I'm Timmy! Are you a bat guy? Mommy said that bats aren't blind but they have really good ears. Do you have really good ears? Loudie can hear everything, he told me that, he told me that he can hear the dark secrets of all mortals.
>>37478490
What cha doing? Can I help? Why are you old? Are you a grandpa? The green man said that he was a grandpa and he's really nice. How many grandkids do you have? When I have grandkids, I'm going to play with them everyday because I'm gonna be a good god and take care of everyone and hurt the people that are mean to them.

I'm not a Grandpa. I'm just a man in a mad world.

>>37478536
>>37478457
I don't think Emps will be too accepting of me fraternizing with xenos. I mean, yeah, it's nowhere near as bad as getting ass-rammed by Slaanesh herself, but still...

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Woah, thesa craaaaazzzy demons!
Mesa screws up big time theeese time!

>>37478536
>nothing to do with Lofn.
That is total bullshit. Do you even know what disputes that brought?

>>37478552
I'm not a bat guy, and I'm not blind. I can't see too well in the day. And as for hearing that's debatable. Who is Loudie?

>>37478529
Love is accentuated by trials, my lad. Little Emps' job shouldn't be that easy should it?
>>37478552
Good lad! A grandfather should always protect those he loves.

>>37478578
I'm so confused here.

>>37478562
Well, you should see our show anyway. It will be the highlight of the season, with a great vanishing act at the end. Nurgle's Garden, be there or be mon'keigh.

>>37478630
What is your opinion on humans anyway?

>>37478586
Loudie's my dog, he can talk and he tells me everything he knows about people and their secrets because a good god knows everything, that's what mommy told me.
>>37478584
Oooooooh, you said a bad word! Your mommy's gonna spank you! That's why mommy said to stay away from you, because you're a bad man. I don't wanna be friends with you after mommy gets rid of all the people.
>>37478592
And mommy said that I was going to be a good god because I was born to do it.
>>37478630
Can I go to the show? Is it like a puppet show? I like puppet shows because they're funny.

>>37478562
During the Dark Age of Technology Human-xeno couples where not uncommon. If It was one of MR. CLOWN FUCK FACE HERE! gals maybe I could allow it. But if she used you to hurt mankind then I will cut you off. You would share her fate.

>>37478656
Timmy, I think your mother might be wrong.

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>>37478600
Mesa was only tryna find Annie when biiiiiiggg flash and now mesa here!
Mesa not know wheres mesa IS!

>>37478584
I'm telling you, I'm being honest here. I was on the phone with my contract lawyers for WEEKS afterward. It screwed me over just as much s it did you.

Wait a warp-blasted nano… TZEEEEEEEENTCH!!! YOU WANKER!

>>37478682
Welcome to Hell. I think you'll fit in this nuthouse.

>>37478682
It is sweet release, lost one.

>>37478662
Emps, rest assured that I wouldn't use a xenos girl for anything more than a quick fuck, and therefore their commands would mean shit to me, especially if it involved me turning my back on humanity.

>>37478683
That BIRDFACED FUCK! I was forced to cuddle that tranny harlot for an hour because of that!

>>37478717
How did that end?

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>>37478656
It is very like a puppet show, young one! The players even wear funny masks like this!

>>37478717
>>37478683
The King of Keikaku strikes again.
Is it time for a witch hunt? Where did he even go off to?

>>37478712
*Looks disappointed* That isn't what I meant. If it is just for sex then you will be claimed by Slannesh. The whole Lofn thing only worked because there was real love involved.

>>37478749
Just look for the trail of people suffering from mindscrews.

>>37478679
But mommy's never wrong. You're a liar! She even said that everything goes away when the last ring in the clock rings because that's when me and the big boy gods get to go play with the people! And I'm gonna be there to get bodies so I can make more action figures to play with! See? I even have a blue armor guy! He was angry when he saw me and he scratched me, but Loudie bit him hard and killed him! He even had other doggie people in the same armor that he was wearing barking too!
>>37478746
Yay! I wanna see one!

>>37478761
Shit... that makes sense. But wait, if I fall in love with the xenos girl, wouldn't that mean I'd be looking at her as an equal?
Shit, I can't win, can I? Either direction is heresy!

>>37478741
I had to spend the next year holding her off. S/he wanted more, had to lead her to the Ork bros.

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>>37478781
I was just saying maybe she's wrong. And those were Raptors. You turned my children into action figures.

>>37478783
If you did fall in rue love with one hen you would be hunted by my servants, but if you kept your soul pure I would still claim you in death.

>>37478809
I think I heard about that. She does like more than one thing, so that might of been the right thing to do.

>>37478283
I'm quite looking forward to seeing Isha, it has been so long. It gets lonely being the only relative left in town and you know Khaine, he's still broken up about the whole affair.

At least that scythe-bearing skeleton hasn't shown up to ruin things.

>>37478813
>You turned my children into action figures.
Don't even start.

>>37478835
He can't enter the Warp. He has no soul. Just like Ultramarines.

>>37478813
They're not raptors, they look like armored guys. Raptors look like lizards with teeth and they're fast.
...
Do you want them? I can give you this one because his eyes are all scratched and messed up because he was screaming and scratching them because I got angry.
>>37478840
What're you? Are you like an action figure? Can I play with you?

>>37478840
I am not your father. If anything, I'm your uncle. My parenting was some of the problems with my legion.

>>37478868
Timmy, they were a group called Raptors. And yes I would. I think I know what he's the god of folks. The cruelty of children.

>>37478835
I'm sure she'll be overjoyed to have one of her family members over for a meal. Usually it's just us two and whichever of the boys drops by on one of their visits. Any preferences on food, if you eat food, that is?

>>37478870
Now, Emps, here's someone who managed, the Warp know HOW to be even more humourless than either Khorne or You.

I need to introduce you to the concept of a Joke, Konrad. The worlds shall be the better for it.

>>37478887
Okay, but don't tell mommy or she'll get angry and break things.

>>37478913
You do know what counts as joke where I'm from?

>>37478892
Something light, I'm afraid we'll be making it a rather short visit. Popping in and out, you might say.

>>37478913
What gave you the idea I was attempting humor?

>>37478936
It's fine. But what does your mother look like?

>>37478938
Of course! I met your childhood nemesis, after all. Quite the comedian, as I recall.

>>37478913
I am not THAT bad... I did agree to that whole bachelor party for LIIVI, did I not?

>>37478964
That man had a rap sheet a mile wide.

>>37478946
The very tone of voice, young man. You seem to be a master of, haha, deadpan.

>>37478963
Mommy is really big and strong. She's so big that I can't see her face anymore when I go home. But mommy loves me because she said that I was her pride and joy.

>>37478939
Okay, we could always make you guys some lunch boxes to eat on the go.
>>37478946
Lighten up, lad. Life's too short to take everything seriously.
>>37478975
I remember that! The wedding was a bit stuffy though. My body's not really made for a tux.

>>37479015
That sounds lovely. What's her name?

What's that Loudie? Mommy says that I need to go home? Awwww, but I was having fun! Okay... Bye everyone!

>>37478975
Only after I sent a baker's dozen of my best dancers to convince you, if you'll recall!

You still haven't paid the bill for the entertainment that night, either. I need those three thousand for some… artistic projects I'm working on.

It was just going to be a routine purging she said. No need to bring heavy weapons she said. Fucking bitch ain't the one who got shunted off into the fucking warp. Going to shove the hilt of my chainsword up her twat is what I'll do, especially if she steals my room. I swear by the Emperor if she sleeps with my gir-

Oh fuck.

>>37478990
Ahh, but so was his smile. Which I've yet to see out of you, Curze.

>>37479084
Hi.

>>37479061
Bye, Timmy. It's a shame I couldn't of showed you my axe up close and personal, but I will have to wait till next time. Maybe I can show your mom too.

What would happen if someone used the MD device aka "the little doctor" from enders game in the warp.

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>>37476470
>"Oi, boss! Ya sure it'z a good idea to fly into dat purple stuff durin teleyport travel?"
>"Do it anyway! I'z wanna see it splat on da windows!"

>>37479063
It was a gift!

>>37479084
Well, well, well. Have you been holding out on me Emps? The one seems like she'd be a grand performer.

>>37479084
Yes, now I don't have to settle for a xenos girl! Emps, if it be your will, help me out as my divine wingman, it's time!

>>37479006
[Disingenuous Incorporeal Mocking Laughter]
>>37479016
Life's done, Papa N. All there's to do now is to sit, wait, and remember.

>>37479086
I was from a world where suicide was what kept the population under control. I made sewers filled with blood and corpses. My dreams were filled with nightmares of the future, and I had a voice in my head driving my madness further. Why should I smile?

>>37479061
Bye, lad! Remember to drop by my place next time you get a chance! Isha will make you a nice, home cooked meal for ya!
>>37479084
Hallo!

>>37479116
Holding out? I would never. Still she is mine to claim.

>>37479115
From you to him, not me to you, old boy.

>>37479084
Hey there, baby.

>>37479127
Try to remember the good things then, lad. Remember the love.

>>37479148
Hahahahaha! I am just messing around. How much do I owe you?

>>37479140
I saw my entire family murdered before my eyes. You can smile away the pain, Konrad. It's what I do. The show, after all, must go on.

>>37479165
...Damn you, Nurgle.

>>37479099
It would utterly and completely destroy everything in the warp.
There is enuf mass scattered about to keep the chain effect going. Every demon, corps, god, and chunk of rock would be reduced to the basic elements. The real question is if the chain effect will ever stop? Would using it make the warp unusable forever?

>>37479196
If you had a body right now, I'd hug the everliving shit out of you, you know that, right?

>>37479171
Like I said, three thousand, in souls.

You burn through a third of that in a day, so no filching. I've got lawyer that make your old Hollywood gig look like kittens.

>>37479185
Your family loved you, mine? Not so much. But at least I wasn't an Ultramarine.

>>37479094
*drops to a knee*
My lord-god, I did not expect to see your magnificence. I'm just, so confused as to what is going on.
>>37479116
I do not consort with xenos.
>>37479124
Touch me and I will burn you.
>>37479143
Fuck.
*edges towards the emps*
>>37479155
The fuck are you?

I have to pee but none of my penises are attached to my bladder anymore...

justslaanishthings.jpg

>>37479218
Fine, fine, fine. Just been busy. *pays* What do you even need them for?

>>37479220
It's funny. Those guys are so arrogant I think I could subside off of their love for themselves alone.

>>37479228
She part of the payment? I'll take ten!

>>37479228
The name's Malice. Pleased to meet you. What's a lovely woman like yourself doing in this place surrounded by these unruly brutes, with me being the expectation?

>>37479259
Gulliman might off said something that caused them too think too highly of themselves.

-And I dare you to use your...

Where the... What's going on? Why am I not on the Vengeful Spirit anymore? Where did this traitor Primarch go?

>>37479124
Not my choice. Go Impress her!

>>37479228
Just a get together. Relax.

>>37479291
Welcome to the Warp. It's Heaven and Hell wrapped up in a bow.

>>37479257
There's a relative of mine in need of some reconstructive surgery, and a performance to fund over at Pop N's place. It'll be a busy millennium.

>>37479311
Who are you and what kind of Space Marine Legion are you from?

>>37479273
Don't even try lad. I can see the love and that girl's not ending up with you tonight/today/whenever.
>>37479228
Don't worry, lass. I mean no harm, just wanted to offer you a drink and some time with Emps over there.

>>37479300
Easier said than done, Emps. You saw how she snapped at me. I don't want to risk my flesh being charred, even if the last thing I see would be a beautiful and devout human woman.

>>37479271
No. Just no. You get the less then totally devout hivers. Same as always.

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>>37479217
Yeah. Could you at least try? It has been so long.

>>37479326
The name's Kaldor, and I'm no legionary. Those days are long gone. Pop up a chair.

>>37479271
Don't touch me you fucking clown!
>>37479273
You look far worse than any of the other denizens I've had the displeasure to see. Not to mention the Emperor is here and his radiance is unmatched.
>>37479300
It is difficult to relax with the xenos clown looking at me my lord-god.
>>37479327
*edges further away*
I still have some rations, no thanks.

>>37479291
*sheds manly tears* Brah it is good to see you.

>>37479327
Can't blame for trying.
>>37479339
I'm shocked. Here I thought you didn't bargained away your subjects' souls.

>>37479347
Sure lad, come here if you can. Everyone needs a hug. *Hugs the dust.* There, feel any better?

>>37479366
I'm just a god trying to make a living in this burning universe.

>>37479371
They didn't even believe in me. They were mutants from some lower hive and only my claim by technicality. Still usable, but barely and not by me.

>>37479366
Come sit by me, I got this. Relax.

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>>37479410

>>37479438
Whatever works man. I'm still waiting for the Sons of Malice to summon me.

>>37479348
What the frakk do you mean "long gone"? I have to get back on the Vengeful Spirit and prevent Horus from further injuring The Emp->>37479368

My eternal liege! You are here and alive!!!

>>37479473
Barely.

>>37479473
Friend, you're dead. You have been dead for ten thousand years. Horus is dead, because of your sacrifice. To this day, you serve as an inspiration to Guardsmen and Guardswomen everywhere.

>>37479456
I'm happy I was able to help you lad. If only everyone let me help them. If you ever need another hug come stay at the garden, we always have a room open for guests and family.

>>37479368
Ahh, yes, this is the one you were bragging about for so long? I must say, sir Pius, the Emperor here has spun quite a tale about you!

...damn shame he copyrighted it, too. I'd have made septillions.

>>37479429
You're no god I've ever fucking heard of, much less a god of mine.
>>37479438
*sits next to the emps and opens her rations*
thank you lord-god

>>37479291
>>37479368
>>37479217
>>37479347
I was not expecting shit like that from this thread.

Sure are a lot of space marines and demons in the warp.

>>37476470
Heard someone need a codex in this thread.

>>37479517
And it makes damn good theatre, old boy. I may have to simply pony up and rent the rights. My khaine audience would love your story.

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>>37479544
I'm an outcast god people turn to when they turn against yours but hate the other four. You look like you have a story to tell.

>>37479549
It's the warp, lad. We're never what's expected.

>>37479578
Eat shuriken, fuckface. Harlequins, enter stage center. Give him the old evisceration routine.

>>37479531
Give me 10% of the profits and we have a deal.

>>37479544
Good girl. *pats head*

>>37479473
Come over here man! Sit down and relax!

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>>37479549
>>37479576
Ain't it great?

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>>37479496
I died... So that's what that otherworldly feeling was... That's dying... All I remember was that I was about to unload an entire battery if Las right into that Traitor's unprotected face
>>37479496
What do you mean? Have we lost?

>>37479616
Just ten? Emps, my boy, are you getting soft on me? There was a day when you'd never let me touch it!

>>37479639
Long story, we won. But at a huge cost.

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>>37479578
*Hiss*
Youuuuuuu!!! I hunger for your biomass! The Hive Mind demands vengeance!

>>37479628
I was expecting to see some warp spiders zip by.

>>37479587
Xeno, I think there would be racial tension.

>>37479655
Nah, just want others to know.

>>37479596
>>37479616
Purging a building, kicked in a door, saw some half-naked bitch chanting so I shot her with my bolter. It did fuckall so i hit her with my chainsword and then everything went all purple and i ended up half an angry rant away from here.

If I had a heavy weapon I would have just leveled the building, but fucking no. *rant dissolves into obscenities muffled by the consumption of the unidentifiable contents of the ration pack*

>>37479663
I think the Swarmlord ate them.

>>37479639
My boy, let me tell you a bittersweet story full of heartbreak and mind games.

Your Emperor came to us broken, battered and yet still strong. But his physical body is shattered. Do sit down son, you may need a drink.

>>37479658
You look hungry, boy! Who wants a salad, you want a salad!

>>37479675
Do you have someone you love, little miss? Someone other than the emperor?

>>37479675
Woman, calm down with that food. You wouldn't want to end up like pussbag do you?

>>37479675
Ah tough luck.

>>37479684
Curse you swarmlord!

>>37479658
Sounds like someone wants to not be in the next codex

>>37479610
Will be hard to eat shurikens when you get retconned into a cute bunny

>>37479703
Shots fire.

>>37479656
>>37479656
Ooh... I think I'm going to need the stiffest drink in all of the universe to swallow what the God-- I mean the Emperor calls "huge cost"

>>37479674
It'll be in production within the week. I'll pay out of my own pocket to make sure it gets out to an adoring audience.

>>37479700
A salad might be nice.
>>37479706
They were an appetizer. Cruddace is the main course.
>>37479707
Not to I retcon you from living.

>>37479700
That's between me, her and the emperor.

Assuming that bitch whose fault it is I'm here hasn't gotten her fucking mitts on her...
>>37479703
Fuck off.
>>37479704
At least I am not entirely without luck, as I did manage to run into you my lord.

>>37479754
I'm happy to hear you found someone, little miss. I wish you luck.

>>37479754
You. You do realize I live here, right? And I was trying to be nice. Why can't we be friends?

>>37479733
Here's some Warp beer. Chase it down with a little scotch, and then lubricate with vodka. You're in the Warp now, you'll need as much as you can get.

>>37479754
Yes that is goo- wait her? Wtf? Damn it I am gonna need to get Kitten on this. NOT AGAIN!

>>37478578
>>37478682
It... It makes so much sense Jar Jar lurks in the warp.

I demand a round with the one who nerfed my swarm!

>>37479797
Emperor, are you against the sisters from loving each other?

>>37479797
Now you see the problem, Emps.
Seems Slaanesh already got to them.

>>37479754
Who are you? Obviously not Imperial guard or navy. Not Space Marine, that's literally impossible by definition. Are you one of those assassin innitiate from the order of the sisters of silence? Heard the sisters helped the Death Guard during an attack on a Xeno-held station before they turned traitor too.

>>37479809
It really does. We got me, a clown, a corpse, a pussbag, an angry lesbian, batman, a lizard bug, and a dead man. Join the party!

>>37479825
This is the TENTH time!

>>37479815
It leads to Slaanesh claiming them.

>>37479797
Love is for everyone, Emps, gotta get used to the idea.

>>37479786
I'm stuck here. so yeah...
>>37479791
Because you seem like biggest malcontent I've seen thus far.
>>37479797
Whats a kitten?
>>37479829
*one history lesson later*

>>37479852
I would be ok with it if it didn't forfeit her to Slaanesh!

>>37479874
He is my Complaint Manager, and Lord General of the Custodes.

>>37479874
I feel offended. I took in some space marines when a stupid Inquisitor thought they were corrupted. I am really that bad?

>>37479876
If it was lust, maybe. But this is pure girl love!

>>37479852
The only love I know is the love for expanding mankind's grip upon the galaxy, and then the universe.

You... Have teeth on you tongues... Coming out of your... OK.
>>37479796
Get me as much human alcohol in a bucket as you can... I think I'm going to want to forget about this one...