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>>35657525
Heresy

>>35657525
>>35657555
Postmortem, apparently

>>35657555
Excuse me Commissar who just brutally executed my brother-in-arms, but when do the Mechanicus get paid?

>>35657626
The suit's your pay, kid.

>>35657525
We already discussed this, Guardsman Anon. First Thursday of the month.

Thread concluded.

>>35657720
I don't remember adding you to the regiment.

>>35657760
I was there when the old commissar told him when he gets paid.

>>35657810
Apologies Commissar, but that was one of my other fellow Guardsmen. You also never addressed his principal question of goat-fucking.

>>35657810
Commissar NicerThanIAm is dead, and General Doesn'tDoMuch is elsewhere, so I say, no pay until the war is done. Any further questions will result in termination.

>>35657851
Yeah, two in fact:
1.) Is that carapace armor you're wearing?
2.) What's your bolt pistol set to?

>>35657888
>1.) Is that carapace armor you're wearing?
Yes, it is.
>2.) What's your bolt pistol set to?
Ventilate.

>>35657888
Normally I don't answer to privates, but since you got trips, I'll give you what you want. The armor is standard issue, the head is old Russian, and I stole a bolter from a dead enemy, so all I know is that it's set to kill heretics like your dead brother-in-arms.

>>35658011
Fuck you Commissar

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>>35657995
Duly noted. If I may point it out, that guardsman over there behind you is screaming about voices in his head and scribbling stars on the CO's vehicle.

Since Commissars are so important to Imperial command structures, why don't they wear helmets?

>>35658109
Because the hats are the greatest thing since the emperor.

>>35658109
IIRC, they have protective plates sewn into their hats. Also, nice hats.

>>35657525

Excuse me Comissar, but can you do something about Trooper Jenkins? He, uh, well, you don't get much chance to wash thoroughly in a combat zone, so we're all a bit hardened, but I think he actively rolls around in vomit and faeces or something, and smells bad enough that Him on Earth is probably offended by the odor.

Can you do something about that? It would probably raise morale of the entire platoon.

>>35658109
Because the Imperial officials aren't the sharpest tools in the shed.

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>>35657888
>Trips

He walks among us gentlemen.

>>35658124
>>35658136
Well yeah, but why not wear that hat over a full face helmet/gas mask?

>>35658190
Wouldn't the Emperor get octs?

>>35658151
He's from a feral world, private, where bathing is considered akin to heresy. Don't be racist.

Instead be specist (xenist?) and hate the filthy alien like the good Emperor intended.

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>>35658212
Only one being could twist fate so...

>>35658207
Because the soldiers need to see you scream at them face to face.

>>35658109
because they don't give a fuck

giving a fuck is for people who aren't commissars

>>35658245
What about septs?

>>35658109
because wearing a helmet makes you less important.

>>35658221
Excuse me commisar, but why if your vein in your neck pulsating purple?

We wouldn't have to worry about any of this "can I bone xenos?" or "when do I get paid?" if we just implemented my plans.

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>>35658245
Heresy?

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>>35657525
Excuse us, Commissar, but... where exactly are we?

Why is everything blue?

>>35657525
You get a share of the loot after a caipan for leave and XBOXHUEGE pension IF you retire.

>>35658326
Gotta love Sergeant Hooker.

>>35658310
BECAUSE PASSION IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN MAKE LOVE TO MY LOVING WIFE!

AND BY PASSION I MEAN RIGHTEOUS ANGER AND BY LOVE I MEAN DEATH AND BY MY LOVING WIFE I MEAN DISGUSTING PIGFACED XENOS!

>>35658373

With all due respect Commissar, I'm afraid I can't allow you to continue in your position of authority if you love a xeno enough to marry one. Please discard your weapon and allow yourself to be taken into custody for a trial of your fellow Commissars, or I will, regretfully, shoot you.

>>35658364
McFuckyou, damn. Haven't seen you since Murderworld V, I thought we lost you to a damn Ork.

I crawl my way out of that shitpit and what do I find? Men talking 'bout whether or not they'd put their powersword in an ork "lady" if one existed.

Damn kids.

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>>35658282
>pic related

Bear in mind though that the Emp gets trips through sheer force of will. The others need to employ insanely elaborate plans.

>>35658373
Fellow Commissar IDon'tLikeThings is always fun to listen to.

>>35658072
...I will be right back. Don't go anywhere or I'll have you flogged.

>Distant BLAM!

>>35658408
So not only is there a Murderworld, but there are five of them? Some Magos leading an Explorator fleet stumbled upon the system, had his mechadendrites eaten by alien wildlife, and just said "Fuck it! They're all Murderworld!"?

>>35658401
You need to get your reading comprehension checked, Private.

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>>35658326
>>35658364
Indeed...

>>35658478

Sir, you know guardsmen can't read. *krak*

>>35658478
Murderworld III is the worst of the lot.

>>35658478
Keep in mind murder worlds I-V are all Ork worlds. Were. Were Ork worlds. Regardless, your answer is right there

>>35658523
Your picture says yes, but your name says heresy. Heresy..... HERESY! HERETIC! MEN, WE'VE GOT HERESY ON OUR HANDS, IN A SHAPE DESIGNED TO CORRUPT OUR FAITH TO THE GOD EMPEROR! BURN IT FOR THE GLORY OF THE EMPIRE.

>>35658523
I think I remember you from the fight at Killbox Station II...fighting some strange pink lady xenos.

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>>35658575
>WE'VE GOT HERESY ON OUR HANDS, IN A SHAPE DESIGNED TO CORRUPT OUR FAITH TO THE GOD EMPEROR!
Am not...

>>35658590
Yeah... "Fighting..."

>>35658590
DO NOT BE FOOLED SERGEANT, THERE BEFORE YOU LIES A DAEMON IN DISGUISE.

>>35658575
I'm sorry sir, but as your average Imperial private I have no knowledge of what a "Daemonette" is. It sounds like something an attention whoring faggot trying to push his fetishes on an unsuspecting populace might call him/herself.

I'm sorry ND insulting you is just from sheer force of habit

>>35658665
brother it is not our job to question it is our job to shoot the heresy *blam*

>>35658630
Damn, those were the days, getting up on that bolter and sending those crab-handed damned things back to the hole they spawned in! I was blasting away when the Emperor-damned loader got his brains blown out by some heretic with a lasgun, poor form, that loader! I've been shot with a lasgun before and it ain't never stopped me, no excuse for him! Well, I just took that big ol' bolter, picked the damn thing up and started blowing away at every whoreson out there, got my shoulder filled with shrapnel and let me tell you I never felt so alive! Run outta' ammo and just started wailing on the guys, every pink lady and heretic was going down left and right, damn...those were the days. Fighting all day and then going off to that girl who was looking at me all sweet like, making sure the Emperor had soldiers for the future.

>>35658709
Good on you private anon.

>>35658713
I'm sorry Sergeant, but I'm beginning to find it suspicious how you're even still alive at this point.

Could you have had...unholy assistance?

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>>35658713
>Fighting all day and then going off to that girl who was looking at me all sweet like, making sure the Emperor had soldiers for the future.
...Wait, YOUR NOT A WOMAN?!?!

>>35658773
Hey Commissar ol' buddy, you remember that Eldar on Corpsehold 3? The big moon of that planet getting hit by rocks when we were trying to fight on it? Anyway, you remember that Eldar that kept trying to tell us about how we needed to follow his advice or "influence fate"? I figured if he was so good at "influencing" fate, then he would've seen the shot coming. Remember that pansy son of a gun?

Dammit, some Private get me a cigar.

>>35658773
Commissar I wish to only serve the Emperor of Mankind

>>35658783
The Sergeant is clean, but he is more robot than man at this point. However, being unable to spot the Daemon that had infiltrated his battle, and now our forum of discussion IS raising some suspicions...

>>35658831
*passes a stogie clipped and a lighter* Here you go sergeant light up proud of your service

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>>35658846
You didn't think you were ABOVE my influence, did you Commissar?

>>35658831
Eldar are not only Xenos Sergeant, but heretics and cowards. Seeing him blown away, along with all Eldar, brought and will continue to bring great joy to my heart. TL DR, fuck the Eldar.

>>35658783
Who the fuck are you? I got all the assistance I need right here, a Mr. Lasgun and a Mr. Fist.

>>35658807
I know I saw you on Killbox somewhere...I don't think you were with the men...

>>35658863
Damn fine, good on you.

>>35658846
The fuck is a daemon, Commissar? There's xenos and then there's heretics who like to flirt around with xenos, both are bolter bait.

>>35658911
As far as the commissar has said they are more bolter bait

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>>35658523

Thats some real dumb looking flack armour you have their trooper. Also when was the last time you cut your bloody hair...

>>35658937
Well that settles it, a daemon is a fancy type of xeno. And you know what we do with xenos, Private?

We kill 'em, that's what.

>>35658900
General Doesn'tDoMuch is a back? And a woman? And a heretic? And a daemon? I'm calling it a day privates, we are calling the space marines, and possibly the sisters of battle. Not even the faith and courage of private >>35658833
can help us at this point.

>>35658523
Da's da Demon Lady ring dat keeps on Git-Postin' on all da threds it goes in

'Ummies, I tink da time'z roight propah dat we take down dat anoyin' snot-lick!

ALL MAH BOYZ, CHARG DA PINK LADY TING WIT DA CLAWZ
WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

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>>35658911
Me? Oh I'm no one special...

Tell me Sergeant, do you occasionally hear whispers promising blood, sex, secrets, super AIDS, or some combination of the above?

>>35658950
Whilst we autists are here, it's *flak

>>35658950
You know your heresy is strong when even private Autism calls you out.

>>35658979
We have a xenos whore for heresy its bolter bait time. FOR THE EMPEROR!!!! *BLAAAMM*

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>>35658974
...Maaaaaay~be...

>>35658979
I really, really, really hope, for your sake, that you are an Ogryn with an unlucky name and awful speech pattern.

>>35658983
Sometimes the radio goes the shit and we get only a couple lines of some order so no one knows what command wants.

So we just keep shooting.

>>35658245
>>35658212
I thought nine was Tzeentch, 7 was nurgle, 8 was khorne, and 6 was Slaanesh? No indication of what Emps would get.

>>35658983
I have to commend you on the inclusion of all four taints of the chaos gods.

>>35658350
Hello! I'm Mr. Meseeks! And you read this in my voice!

>>35658986
I don't get paid to not confuse my words. I don't get paid.

>>35659002
Not a heretic, SIR!

>>35659009
>9009
>over 9000 get
DA POWAH LEVELZ!!!!
REDY DA MEGA-DAKKA-CANNON BOYZ, WE BE FIRIN' ON DA KLAW LADY TING

FIRE ALL DA DAKKA!!!!

>>35659055
Hold the damn phone, Private.

There is one god, one god you die for to call yourself a man, that is the Emperor of Mankind. Now, I'm a fair sort of guy, so I'll let you pray to his archangel, Superior Firepower.

I want you to do two things for the Emperor, kill every last xeno and heretic. 2. Find yourself a lady and give the Emperor some more followers and soldiers.

You got that?

>>35658523
>Wearing a non-regulation uniform
That's a BLAMin'.

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>>35658974
You called?

>>35659084
Sir yes sir sergeant

>>35658713
>going off to that girl who was looking at me all sweet like, making sure the Emperor had soldiers for the future.
>On the same day as fighting Daemonettes

I hate to say this too one of the revered veterans of the Imperial Guard but you I fear you may have unkowingly committed heresy. How long had you known that woman for?

>>35659042
Khorne doesn't post on /tg/. Sometimes he gets dubs but only when Kharn is reaping a particularly bountiful harvest of skulls for that day. All he does is shitpost about Dragon Age 3 on /v/.

Slaneesh is already here. S/he never gets shit.

And how do you know so much about the Archenemy?

>>35659101
We've got intense heresy Mr. FucksYourBitch, enough to need the Grey Knights. You did bring the Grey Knights, correct?

>>35659115
Ah...ol' Annabelle, girl came with the Mordians, she was one of 'em, you see. Mordian through and through, liked my discipline and the cut of my jibe. Saw her on the ship a week before fighting started lighting up targets like a real nice ladu.

>>35659101
Well call me a shrimp. You look like you've been eating your rations, soldier.

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>>35659089
It's ok. I'll get someone on that. Hey sis! Yer up!

>>35659034
No, Im Gork, or maybe Im Mork, Orkiezt Ork dat evar Ork'd

Dat Demonet ting iz a Git-Posting Snotlick, Itz az bad fee yu as it iz fer mah boyz, now stohp yer talkin and get yer boyz wit mine ta take it down bafore dat thred goes to Da Warp

>>35659151
Can you provide instances of heresy great enough for the Grey Knights to appear? It takes some actual DAEMONS for them to even consider a problem.

Well best be off, I'll be grabbing myself a little something to eat, nobody do anything that I might kill you for while I'm gone.

And nobody touch my damn cigars.

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>>35659165
IT'S TOO LATE ORKANOID!!!
Your "Boys" are MINE NOW!!!

>>35659194
Shit fuck me kill me with a rake I forgot to change names

ALL GLORY TO SLANEESH

>>35659194
Why yes me, I most certainly do.
Here you go.
>>35659203
>>35659031
>>35658983
>>35658900
>>35658807
>>35658630
>>35658523
There you are.

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>>35659151
>>35659194
>>35659257
It seems my fellow commissar has started talking to himself...

>>35659251
Damnit >>35659203
You've gone and tainted the men.

>>35659203
SEE, 'UMMIES, DIS IZ DA GIT-POSTING I TOL' YUS ABOUT, KILL IT

WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!
>captcha: Use Tarthu
GOOD IDEA, LES' USE TARTHU's NEW TEZLA BEEM CANNON!!!

>>35659257
>The daemons influence is so great it's already corrupted the world to morph it's inhabitant to suit it's whims.

Welp looks like we're officially posted on a daemon world. Exterminatus only a matter of time really. Well gents it's been fun, but I all suggest you find you're favorite girl or any particularly good looking heretic chick, and strap in for the best damn fireworks show you've ever seen in your miserable lives

>>35659303
Let's not get hasty commissar...

>>35657525
So are we just shooting the Zathras clan on sight, now?

>>35659203
I hate you so much.

>>35659362
Yes private anonymous.

>>35659287
They're brothers, you filthy warp-spawn. You never questioned all the troopers named Zathras, but you question the sanity of a commissar?

>>35659354
>I Tellz yu of da incomin' Git-Postin'
>Yu didn't even tried ta 'elp
>Iz too late now
>Iz happenin'
>Iz all ovah

>>35659354
I can be a girl for you~

Cum on everyone, let's do this.

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>>35659354
>Welp looks like we're officially posted on a daemon world. Exterminatus only a matter of time really.
Why would they do that, we still pay our tithes...

>>35659407
>Git-Postin' intensifies

>>35659426
I want to suck your tithes

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>>35659303
>>35659358
Indeed...
>>35659407 here has the right idea!

>>35659426
>Greater Git-Postin' demon of Slunesh
Sumone pleaze git rid of it, iz turnin mah boyz into funny lookin' Grotz

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>>35659399
Hello there fellow Americans. I've come with NEWS! It's beyond over

>>35659429
Five teef sez the Gits won't be payin' 'tention.

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>>35659460
They are quite succulent, aren't they?

>>35659491
SOON!

Enough.

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>>35659500

>>35659541
They look positively delicious. I'd love for you to rub your tithes all over me.
I want you to smother me with your tithes

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>>35659582
Good thing I brought extra!

>>35659582
Don't encourage it.

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>>35659399
I'm sorry green skin. You were right. We should have listened. Maybe we should have worked together and maybe had a chance at stopping this. Now we have to wait for impending doom at the hands of a degenerate daemon or the hands of our own beloved Emperor. It's too late now, though.
I miss my home planet
I miss my family
I miss my friends
I miss my penis

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>>35659500

EXTERMINATUS

>>35659515
Da 'ummies are teh dummest folkz in da gulaxy, dey can't even figer out who da real thret iz

Dah silly longearz are smartah than dem, dey might be gits, da lot of em, but dey no 'ummies

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What has the world come to when a humorous thread about the shenanigans surrounding the imperial guard has devolved into everyone sucking NiceDaemonette's dick. I tried to warn you. Several time's in face, over many alias's, but not one of you listened. Now the heresy has fully taken over the men, the Grey Knights have either failed or not come at all, and you all have come to find out Commissar FuckYou is actually Ron Paul. I hope you're happy.

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>>35659644
Oh come now, this isn't nearly as bad as you make it out to be!

>>35659667
I knew Gork, or maybe Mork. I always knew.

>>35659688
Please fuck me with your giant, rock hard cock.

>>35659688
You're right. It's unimaginably worse.

>>35659708
ND doesn't have one. He's terrified of penises. It's why none of the other Daemonettes like her

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>>35659669
>What has the world come to when a humorous thread about the shenanigans surrounding the imperial guard has devolved into everyone sucking NiceDaemonette's dick.
>>35659708
>Please fuck me with your giant, rock hard cock.
I am OFFENDED!
I have a Tentacle Vagina, thank you very much!

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COMMISSAR! ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!

DIE HERETICS! DIE XENOS! TO THE WARP WITH YOU, FOUL DAEMONS!!!!

>>35659667
Is ok Boss. Dis Ork boi is gunna smash into da 'ummies wif a Rokk. Breakin' thru da atmusphere nao!

This thread is... different

>>35659731
Then lift me up and stuff my holes with your glistening love-spike. I want you to wreck my entire body, I want to be your little slut

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>>35659719
Are you implying tripling the amount of breasts on this world WAS NOT an Improvement?

>>35659726
>It's why none of the other Daemonettes like her
...IT'S TRUE!!!
STUPID DICKS!!!

>>35659734
YOU SHALL JOIN US!!!

>>35659734
'UMMIE, STOHP BEIN' A PRETENZIUS FOOL AN' TAEK A 'ARD LOOK>>35659731
YA SEE DIS?
IZ A GIT-POSTIN' SNOT-LICK, IZ GONNA MAEK ALL YU 'UMMIES INTO ITZ PERZONAL GIT-POSTARZ

'ELP ME KILL IT AN' WE CAN GOEZ 'OME

>>35659759
WAAAGH!!!

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>>35659808
HAH!!!! I THINK NOT, WRETCHED ABOMINATION!!! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR ARROGANCE WITH YOUR VERY EXISTANCE!!!!

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>>35659831
YOU ARE ARE A DAMNED IMBECILE, XENO!!! OF COURSE I SHALL CLEANSE THE WORSE AFFRONT FIRST!!!! BUT YOU ARE NEXT!!!!

>>35659864
OH WAAAGH! , WE FIRE ALL DA DAKKA WEZ GOT AT IT

WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHH!!!!!!!!

>Fires Tezla Beem Cannon

>>35659831
You want I shud change targetz Boss?

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>>35659864
I had always held hope Marshall, always held faith. TO ARMS BROTHERS, WE HAVE SCOURGE TO ELIMINATE!

>>35658350
dunno, never paid attention during the briefings.

>>35659896
I DUN CAER, JUSS KEEP DA DAKKA ON IT

>>35659921
JUSS KEEP ON DA DAKKA ON DA GIT-POSTIN SLUNESH TING

>>35659939
NEVER MIND THE BRIEFINGS PRIVATE, JOIN YOUR BROTHERS IN ARMS AND FIGHT THE DAEMONS! Fight for yourself, your family, YOUR EMPEROR!

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>>35659864
IT IS TOO LATE!
OUR PLANS TO RESURRECT YOUR EMPEROR HAVE ALREADY COME TO FRUITION!!!

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>>35659932
AND LO! HOW YOUR FAITH IN THE GOD EMPEROR IS REWARDED, COMMISSAR!!! NOW WITH ME!!! LET US RECLAIM THIS WORLD FOR TERRA'S GOLDEN THRONE!!!

NO PITY!!!! NO REMORSE!!!!! NO FEAR!!!!!!!!

>>35659942
>Arrives over head on top of Rokk both shootas blazing.

Take 'dis ya purple git! WWWAAAAAGGHH!!!

>Rokk impacts da purple 'fing.

>>35659973
DER YA GO!!!
WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=d0uBU5ddX4U

>>35659983
Oh dearest. You've angered the psykers. You're in for a treat, and when I say treat, I mean unspeakable nightmares that even the chaos gods would be wary of.

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>>35659983
IN THE WORDS OF THE ESTEEMED BROTHER CAPTAIN ANGELOS: SUCH ARE THE WAYS OF DAEMONS TO LIE AND TO MISLEAD US!!!! DESTROYING IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO AVOID ITS INFLUENCES!!!!!!

>>35660000
BEHOLD SWINE, FOR THE ASTARTES HAS ONCE AGAIN PREVAILED! YOUR DAEMON MAGIC IS NOTHING AGAINST THE MIGHT OF THE QUADRUPLE ZERO! BE LOST UNTO THE BLADE!

>>35660015
GRRR JUST KEEP A SHARP EYE ON YOUR WITCHES, COMMISSAR!!!

>>35660015
At your command commissar. Taste the Warp you filthy abominations!

>>35659541
Hot damn, I ate too soon it looks like. I remember that gal from the bar on His Triumph, girl could work a sword if you know what I'm saying.

>>35660000
Well boy howdy, it looks like I got back just in the time for the party. We killing Xenos today?

>>35660045
AH TRULY THE EMPEROR WAS WITH US THIS DAY!!!

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>>35660015
>>35660039
Wait, what are Black Templars doing siding with Psykers?

LESS MUKKIN AN' MOAR SHOOTIN'

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGH!!!!!!!!!!

I fink I got it boss...

*dies from impact*

>>35660073
INDEED WE ARE, SERGEANT! AND I SUGGEST YOU KEEP UP THE FIRE FROM YOUR HEAVY WEAPONS!!!

>>35660095
I'M AN ORK AN' EVEN I KNO DAS NOT DA BLAK TEMPLARZ

WWWAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!!!!

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>>35659983
>>35660039
The bloody hell happened?
WHY DO I HAVE BOOBS?!?!

>>35660095
Extreme heresy calls for extreme prejudice.
>>35660060
I WANT YOU TO RIP THEIR SOULS FROM THEIR BODIES!

>>35660095
NOT THAT IT IS YOUR CONCERN, DAEMON, BUT I HAVE GIRDED MY MIND WITH RESTRAINT TO TOLERATE THE PRESENCE OF LOYAL PSYKERS, DAEMON!!!

>>35660118
Marshall ol' boy, I got two rules.

1. Never stop firing

2. Fire the big guns, then the bigger guns.

Someone get me my cigars, we're going to the best place there is, mates.

War.

>>35660140
AAAH ZOG IT! ITZ GOT YUR EMPRAH!
DAT GIT-POSTIN' SNOTLICK 'AS TA DIE NAOW!

>>35660140
Well call me a recruit and slap me silly, but after this fight missy, I think I'd like to show you some good old fashioned Imperial Guard discipline and iron will.

I got a duty to keep giving the Emperor soldiers and by His name, I'm going to do it.

Also keeps the men happy, and when they're happy, the fight good.

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>>35660178
What the hell are you blathering on about Ork?

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>>35660140
RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

ABHORRENT, LOATHSOME DAEMON!!!! HOW DARE YOU ATTEMPT TO DECIEVE THE EYES OF HIS LOYAL SERVANTS!!!! WE UPHOLD THE HONOR OF THE GOD-EMPEROR!!! TO THE WARP WITH YOU!!!!!

>>35660157
Let me join you on the heavy guns Sergeant. Oh, and have a cigar.

>>35660157
NAOW DAS PROPPAH ORK TINKIN' ROIGHT DERE, AN I MEAN TA SAY IT IN A GUUD WAY

NOW KEEP ON FIRIN' DA DAKKA!!!!!!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!

>>35658807

YOU'RE

>>35660146
Yes sir! For the Emperor!
>Sorcery... Sorcery everywhere...

>>35660157
YOU ARE TO BE COMMENDED, SERGEANT!!! CARRY ON!

>>35660207
Wait, yu ain't dah EMPRAH dat comes to da Parties in dah Warp? Ya kno, wit Randum Voice In Da Warp, Me an' Mork, Khorne, Tzeentch, Slaanesh and Nurgle and a bunch of yur Commizars and Guardsmen and yur poker bud, Creed

>>35659669
>everyone sucking NiceDaemonette's dick
>everyone
It's most likely that some faggot is just samefagging.

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>>35660197
>Well call me a recruit and slap me silly, but after this fight missy, I think I'd like to show you some good old fashioned Imperial Guard discipline and iron will.
Keep it in your pants solider, no matter my genitals I'm still WAY out of your league...

>>35660208
Astartes, it would not be wise to raise your weapon against your Lord and Master, a being with mastery over biology and biomancy...

>>35660217
Damn, good batch these last set of Imperial Brand. Hey! You! You on the third Basilisk! You know what I want to see? You firing! You know what I'm not seeing? That damn gun firing!

Aw to hell with it, this is why I keep one of them big bolters for these moments.

Men, this is the moment glory, you want to call yourself a man? You follow me!

>>35660285
ONWARD PRIVATES, WITH US TO GLORY!

>>35660281
Seems to me like you got a fighting spirit, there's two things that's good for. The frontlines and passing it on so the kids got it.

I think we could be doing both. Now if you excuse me, some weird xenos are coming out of a big hole in the sky and I intend to see how many bolts it takes to kill one.

>>35660285
COMON YA GROTZ, DO YA WANTZ TA LIVE FOREVAH? YA DO!?

DAS KINDA TOO BAD CUZ YU GOTTA KEEP FIRIN' TILL YA DIE!!!

WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!!!!
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=whxcq4I0kAo

>>35660363
You my green sir are an Ork. And I don't like orks, they xenos, you see? Big ones, but at least I can respect your appreciation of heavy artillery. So after these crab hand xenos are dead, you and me are going to do a one on one fight. You got that?

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>>35660281
Excuse me, but I only serve the GOD EMPEROR OF MAN, NOT A SNOWFLAKE'S GENDERBENT RENDITION OF OUR LORD!

>>35660281
YOU ARE A LIAR!!!! THE HOLY EMPEROR OF MAN WOULD NEVER HAVE ALTERED THE SACRED NATURE OF HUMANITY TO SUCH ABHORRENT DEVIATION!!!!! YOU WILL NOW SUFFER THE JUDGEMENT OF THE RIGHTEOUS!!!!

>charges behind a hurricane of sanctified fire
>captcha: doomCar leading

>>35660306
I'm sorry commissar... It was too much... Requesting a bullet to the head should I survive...

>Rushes the enemy as the Warp takes over as hell itself floods the enemy lines.

For the Emperor, the Imperium, and the finest damn commissar alive!

>>35660415
FOR A WITCH, THAT WAS A VALOROUS SERVANT OF THE IMPERIUM!!!

>>35660404
SHADDUP AN' KEEP DA DAKKA ON DEM SLUNESH KRAB LADY TINGS,

DIS FEELS LIKE ARMAGEDDON ALL OVAH AGAEN, BUT DIS TIME IM SHOOTIN' WIT DA 'UMMIES!

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>>35659648

This is the Deviator. We heard someone call for a Base Delta Zero over the hypercomm. What continent do you need glassed?

>>35660408
>>35660410
STOHP ARGUIN' AND KEEP KILLIN DAT SLUNESH KRAB LADY TINGS!
YU'RE WORSE THAN SNOTLINGS AND GROTZ ARGUIN'

JUST KEEP SHOOTING DA DAKKA

>>35660464
Well dammit, Armageddon was a shithole!

Now then you big green son of a bitch, you see that big xeno? The one a mile high with four arms? We're gonna' kill the damn thing, so start shooting at it!

>>35660408
Do you think I ENJOY this?
One of your men is continuously attempting to get into my pants while an Ork is screaming across the Empyrean at me, AND I'VE AWOKEN AFTER EINSTEIN KNOWS HOW LONG TO FIND MYSELF A WOMAN!

>>35660410
>THE HOLY EMPEROR OF MAN WOULD NEVER HAVE ALTERED THE SACRED NATURE OF HUMANITY TO SUCH ABHORRENT DEVIATION!!!!!
I TURNED YOU INTO A LITTLE GIRL, NOT SOME DAMNED WARP ABOMINATION!
>Snaps fingers and puts out the hurricane of fire
NOW CALM YOUR ASS DOWN!

>>35660499
UNLESS THE TIDE OF VICTORY TURNS AGAINST US, WHICH IT SHALL NOT, YOU ARE TO HOLD YOUR POSITION AND KEEP ANY MORE ENEMIES OF THE EMPEROR FROM MAKING PLANETFALL!!!!

I Am Da Stompiest! WAAAGH!

>Gargant trundles into combat.

>>35660533
I BEEN FIRIN' MAH TEZLA BEEM CANNON THIS ENTIRE TIME, WHERE HAF YU BERN FOR TEH LAST HALF HOUR?

>>35660542
I dunno if you noticed this soldier, but we're up to our asses in pissed of aliens, so why don't you get on this here lascannon and take a shot at the biggest one you see?

>>35660415
LOOK ON PRIVATES, AT THE BRAVEST AMONG YOU. VALOR LIKE THAT IS IN SHORT SUPPLY. WE SHALL HONOR HIS SACRIFICE BY SPILLING DAEMON BLOOD NOW, AND FOREVER.

>>35660415
Be at peace, and know that every member of the army will know of your heroism.
> *muted blam*

>>35660566
I was fetching this here "Big Bertha".

Now then, shut your damn mouth and get to shooting!

>>35660553
DER WE GO!!! MEKBOI, GIT YUR CHOPPA CHOPPIN' AN' YUR DAKKA SHOOTIN'

WAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!!!!

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>>35660542
MY FAITH IS MY SHIELD, DAEMON!!! BEHOLD!!! MY FLESH HAS NOT BEEN TWISTED AND MY SWORD LIES BURIED IN YOUR FOUL CARCASS!!!!

>>35660499
Exterminatus preperation complete. On your order.

>>35658109
Speak of the devil. I've been hit.
Damned xenos blew my hat off, have to go requisition another one.

>>35660612
Take OFF your armor Astartes...
Prepare to have your mind FREAKED!

>>35660576
Thank you...


Sir.......

>>35660613
FLASHGITZ, GET ALL OF DA BOYZ AN' 'UMMIES OUTTA HERE, DA 'UMMIES GONNA FINISH DIS OFF
>55 second to mass teleport to Ork Flagship Dah Rokkiest Rokk Dat EVAH Rokk'd

>>35660602
WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!

>>35660613
Last order before I leave for my new hat, follow the orks.
They even left you their co-ordinates here.
>>35660674

>>35660655
YOU THINK ME A FOOL??!!! I MAY NEVER HAVE KNOWN THE APPARENT COMFORTS OF A WOMAN'S FLESH, BUT I SHOULD THINK I WOULD NOTICE TWIN BULGES UPON MY SACRED BREASTPLATE!!! NOW CEASE YOUR PRATING AND DIE!!!

>>35660677
I tink ya got de rong name dere lad

>>35660624
Commissar, you smell that? Smells good, burning warp xeno flesh is what it is. You know what it's letting me do? Light you a cigar, take one on me, we can mourn the hat later.

Now pick up the pace, I've already got thirty of the damn things down and I'm just getting warmed up!

Private! Toss me a grenade, one of the good ones. Yeah! See that? That's good Guard ordinance for you, three more dead enemies. You! Medic, stop patching up Anon 3, he's only lost an arm, still got a hand to shoot with! I never cried when I lost an arm! Get those tanks rolling, what are they doing just sitting there and shooting? They can trample can't they! Good, just like that, crushing things left and right. Don't get tired now on me, we still got the Emperor's work to do!

>>35660655
Hey lady! We can do all the freaking and armor taking off later tonight! But for right now the only gun I want you using is that there lascannon, or the auto if you're so inclined, I'm real polite like that.

>>35660656
And you! Damn good work, soldier.

>>35660694
Yes sir!

>>35660697
I turned you into a LITTLE girl Astartes, I would hope the base gene-line of humanity hasn't deviated enough for a child to have developed breasts...

>>35660677
It's ok friend, we all make mistakes once or twice.
Though, at least I stuck to my faction.

>>35660705
Sorry boss. Stepped on 'is corpse. Prolly still had 'im sum Brain juice afta beein capped!

>>35660733
I thought that the little girl thing was just in CYOA land. Dear lord the whole board is corrupted. .

>>35660762
Well I would hope it would put this uppity marine in his place...
Would it have been any better if I changed him into a little BOY instead?

ALL 'UMMIES, GET REDY FOR TELEPRTIN'

YUR SHIP'S GUNNA DROP DA EXTERMUNATUS DAKKA, CEAS FIRE AND PREPARE YURSLVES FOR 'ARD FLASH INTO DAH ROKK

>>35660785
At least the orks are team players.

>>35660733
I GROW WEARY, DAEMON! FOR IF YOU SPOKE THE TRUTH, I MIGHT SUDDENLY FIND MY ARMOR ILL FITTING! I DO NOT! BUT I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!

>stomps down ceramite heel upon its head

PAH, I MUST ADMIT, THE ARCHENEMY HAS BECOME CREATIVE, YET DESPERATE IN THEIR LIES! NO MATTER! WITH ME, BROTHERS! LET US FORM THE VANGUARD OF THE ASSAULT UPON THE GREENSKINS!!!

>>35660785
STOP shooting? What the in the blazes are you? Crazy! Now look, I've never run from a fight before!

>>35660801
I'm off to sleep/to get a new hat. Let's try and let the killing run to tomorrow shall we?

>>35660801
Das wot 'appens when there's a Git-Postar, We Orks get tingz done

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For the Khan! We shall not allow the Emperor's worlds to be thus ravaged with the honor of the White Scars at stake! We shall hunt down our foe, and their head shall rest in silver on Chogris!

>>35660833
Dubs and a new sect of the astartes. Things get better as it gets later.

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Out of the way.

>>35660833
WELCOME TO THE FRAY, YOU SONS OF JAGATAI!!! IT IS GOOD TO HAVE YOU AT OUR SIDE THIS DAY!!!!

>You are all now on the Rokk Dah Rokkiest Rokk dat EVAH Rokked

Aight 'ummies, yur ship's gonna start deliverin' da Mega-Dakka

>Ship begins firing Virus bombs on the planet

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>>35660833
Indeed...

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>>35660887
HOW DARE YOU PROFANE MY BROTHER CHAPTER!!!

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>>35660867
Indeed, Marshal! But let us not bandy words, and be swift! Our steeds shall carry us to victory this day!

>>35660887
I think I recognize you...You're a Mordian, right?

>>35660877
Dammit! I was hoping to get a few more kills! Alright, you and me Ork, we're fighting it out.

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>>35660906
I DO MORE THAN THAT!!!
>>35660863

...Also, where is my "Thank You" for raising your corpse emperor to life again?

>>35660877
Da 'ummies 'ad sum good shooty today. Orkz still da best!

>>35660887
No...by the Emperor, my kin, my brother of the tribe! Warped by your foul magics! Taste the edge of my chainsword, witch!

>>35660912
VERILY, BROTHER!!! WE ARE WITH YOU!!!
>leaps upon attack bike

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>>35660887
FOR THE KHAAAAN!

>>35660936
You seem awfully like a Mordian girl I once knew, the one on that ship to Killbox 2.

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>>35660946
WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU PEOPLE, YOU TRY TO SHOVE A SWORD IN MY FACE?!?!

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>>35660544
Orders confirmed, Marshal. Holding the orbitals in the name of the Emperor.

>>35660613
Unknown, you are not authorized on this net. Authenticate Loren Ipsum.

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>>35660936
I know what evil you shelter. I shall destroy you and redeem the sons of the Lion who you have disgraced.

>>35660095
>Disgusting flesh on my iron hand waifus.
You've crossed a line.

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>>35660995
O-RLY?!?!

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This thread better be archived, by the Emperor.

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>>35661009
Here, have an Iron Primarchu!

>>35660984
BECAUSE WE ARE NOT NICE PEOPLE!!!! BUT I FAIL TO SEE YOUR PROBLEM! IS IT NOT TRUE THAT YOU ENJOY THE RIGHTEOUS JUDGEMENT?!

>>35660986
VERY GOOD, ADMIRAL! HAVE YOUR SHIPS DELIVER PRECISION BOMBARDMENTS UPON CONCENTRATIONS OF THE ENEMY!

>>35660986
Shit. For the Emprah?

Your gonna kill me now, aren't ya?

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>>35661024
I suppose that's alright then. Canon amount of flesh for the primarch.

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>>35660936
>...Also, where is my "Thank You" for raising your corpse emperor to life again?
Purge.
EVERYTHING!

>>35661034
Marshall, I'm quite mad, Orks have taking me from one fight and I ain't about to run from another. So why don't you and your boys start shooting from up in space? Me? I'm gonna' be shooting ol Big Bertha' here right on the ground.

Tell that Commissar that when I see him on the other side, he owes me a drink for the Battle of Slaughterhouse V, he'll know what I mean.

It was an honor sir, now COME AT ME, YOU XENO SONS OF BITCHES.

When is da next Waaagh?

>hooray for not mixing up characters this time.

>>35661071
Hey lady, before they start shooting. It's a damn shame we never got to make a kid, you got spunk, I like that.

Go find my daughter, just shout for her, little punk will probably show up, spill the bad news and tell her I'm watching over her the next time she's on the field? Got it?

>>35661074
QUITE ALRIGHT, SERGEANT! MY BROTHERS AND I SHALL HARRY THE FLANKS OF THE GREENSKINS, WHIST YOU AND YOUR BRAVE MEN SHALL ASSAIL THE CENTER! I TRUST THIS IS AGREEABLE TO YOU AND THE KHAN?!!!

>>35661012
>Hundreds of posts containing nothing but namefags posturing at each other
>ND coming out in full force
>asking someone to archive this heretical retardation

No Guardsman, you are the heresy.

>>35661074
'Ummie wants a fight? Aright den!

WAAAGH!

>>35661139
Hey Marshall.

I'm hit, hit real bad, doesn't look like I'm coming back from this one, got me in a buncha' different places. I keep shooting, I keep shooting and they keep coming, dunno' how many...gah, shit...sorry about the cough, just a bit of blood. But I ain't coming back from this war...

...so kill the rest for me, willya'?

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>>35661034
Roger, Marshal. All hands, prepare for Base Delta Zero. Target known enemy concentrations. Shatter their sky.

>>35661035
A detachment of Stormtroopers are on the way to apprehend you. Please cooperate by remaining where you are for the next ten minutes.

>>35661211
MAY YOU BE ELEVATED TO A PLACE OF HONOR AT THE EMPEROR'S TABLE, O SERGEANT!!! MAY YOUR NAME EVER BE REMEMBERED IN THE HALLS OF GLORY!!! IT GLADDENS MY HEARTS TO HAVE FOUGHT ALONGSIDE A WORTHY SOLDIER, AND I DEDICATE THE BLOOD I SPILL THIS DAY TO THE VALOR OF THE IMPERIAL GUARD!!! TAKE YOUR WELL DESERVED REST... BROTHER!

IN THE EMPEROR'S NAME, LET NONE SURVIVE!!!

>>35661214
Eh, was fun while it lasted. In cargo bay five. I'll be on my knees with hands behind my head.


I always wanted to be a Marine...

Oh shit, what happened to dad?

>>35659128
>>35659128

That explains why Khorne is never around.

>>35659101

Oh look who finally arrived. The Blood Ravens.

Guardsman! Batton down your stuff and don't leave anything important lying about, lads.

>>35661368
Sir yes sir!

>>35661291
No no no...no no no no no. Dad doesn't die, dad doesn't die, come on, you're joking right? He's alive right?

...Right?

>>35661313
>removes helm
He has gone to the Emperor's side, trooper. Remember him always, and follow his example. As for us, I believe the battle here is finished, and the Eternal Crusade calls us elsewhere.

Brothers! Our work is done, let us depart this world!

We gettin paid or not?

>>35661412
>turns, reaches into Thunderhawk, tosses bag of gold.
There, trooper.

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>>35658207
You have been skipping your training guardsman,

You will receive 100 lashes and death by firing squad.

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This thread gives me hope in humanity

>>35661300
Good chap.

>>35661368
All hands, emergency inspection. Ensure all items and ships are in their proper places. We don't want a repeat of how Coruscant got "gifted" to them..

>>35661399
Pleasure working with you, Marshal. Will you require an escort off-planet?

>>35657626
Mechanicum payroll is not the Comissariate's responsibility, consult your own superiors.

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>>35662140
My thanks, Admiral, but that will not be necessary. You have done well this day, though this fleet of yours is composed of some highly unusual battleships. But I am no Inquisitor. May the Emperor guide and keep you, good admiral. Farewell.

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>>35662251
Emperor speed you safely and swiftly to your next battle, Marshal. Deviator out.

Archived >http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/35657525/

>>35659060
Mr. Meeseeks, go close the eye of terror.

>>35662791
>Mr. Meeseeks
>Destroy Chaos
>Its been 3 days..
>We need to destroy the universe.

>>35657888
go away Khorne, you're losing your anger.

Excuse me Commissar, but when do we get laid?

This place is a sausage fest.

>>35665516
>And THAT'S how the Cabal was created...

TO DIE FOR THE EMPEROR IS IT'S OWN REWARD


SMALL PRINT: If you fail to get killed in 30 years, you get compensated by being allowed to settle a new planet