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I killed a man for not knowing the difference between "your" and "you're."

Hello, I'm Jeremiah. I'm in adventurer therapy because I stole a man's kidneys and replaced them with livers in order to test how it would work out.

>>34823020
DAMMIT, I THOUGHT THE FREAKING QUEST WAS COMING BACK.

Rolled 15 (1d20)

>>34823462

Well that right there is very understandable.

Captcha: very ihasess Even the captcha agrees.

>>34824651
OP actually messed up on that

>>34824615
DOES IT SAY QUEST? NO? THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT QUESTS?

GO BACK TO QUESTLAND FAGGOT.

>>34823020
Doc, seriously, you need to decide if you have a kooky not-german accent or not.

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>>34824737
A certain quest used the OP image all the time. So when I glanced at the image I though "Oh hey that quest is coming back! Hurrah!". Then I saw the text and was disappointed, I came in here to complain. I'll take my leave now, however. Good day sir.

>>34823020
I'm here because of the damn mage in our party. It wassupposed to be simple. We heard stories about a Dragon in a castle. Normally we wouldn't have gone after it but we were wondering if we could use its power to help in fighting some aasshole who was assembling an army. At the last we would kill it so it couldn't fight against us later.
So we end up in the nearest town and start questioning the first person we see there about a dragon. They're the only person around for some reason and they seem to be hiding something. Well our damn mage, a famed CHAOS mage, decided to do some kind of spell on the hot, maybe to get information. I don't really remember. He fucks up. Badly. That's what matters. His spell ends up turning this poor old farmer inside out. We can hear the muffled screams as his body is shaking violently unable to deal with being inside motherfucking out. It's understandable. "Hold on guys. I can fix this." Mage does another spell. He fucks up again. This isn't a rare occurrence and he's known for fucking up more often than not. He is able to turn the guy's head back the right way, but the rest of him is still inside out. All this does is lets the villager's screaming be heard. I've had enough of this. I'm a cold bastard but this is too much. So I kill the guy with my polearm to put him out of his misery. It's a quick death. We hear guards coming. The mage teleports. Of course NOW his magic fucking works. I'm left to explain this mess to the authorities. I am told I have to go too group therapy to deal with "Anger Problems" I have.

Of course, I suppose the mage got a little of what was coming to him when his pelvis was crushed after he decided it was a good idea to fuck the dragon we were after in human form when it turns out it was a female Dragon with a thing for fucking psychopaths.

Moral of the story, just because a dragon is in human form doesn't mean its weight or power is any different.

Also, I guess, don't fucking trust a chaos mage.

>>34825019
Jesus fucking Christ

>>34825093
That is exactly what I said when that guy got turned inside out.

I'm here because I thought it was a good idea to use an evil artifact that was banished for 1000 years without knowing what it did.

"Nah it can't be that bad. I'm sure it's exaggerated!"

Turns out I fucking killed every last dwarf on the planet with this thing.

>>34824615
>>34824737
>>34824846
You guys are retired, stop seeing quests everywhere. Repeat after me:
No one wants me to slay the orcs.
No one wants me to slay the orcs.
No one wants me to slay the orcs.

>>34825157
"No one wants me to slay the orcs."

Doc I don't think it's working. I don't believe the words I'm saying. I might as well say "Villagers aren't literally asking me to kill them and take their stuff after fucking their wives."

It's just not realistic.

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>>34823020

I am The Amazing Dildoni. I was put in here, against my will, because of prejudice against my fighting style. First rule of adventuring, you use what you got. Well, apparently, subduing the participants in a bar brawl by beating them with my penis is somehow terrible, and sodomizng them afterwards is simply wrong. So it was either ship me here or they wear out their scythes trying to get it off. Figured I'd save them the troule.

>>34825338
I'm with you man. Sometimes the intolerance of some of these people just gets to me.

>>34823020

Apparently "He's a DMPC" isn't a valid defense to homicide charges.

Look, the guy comes out of nowhere, we don't want him in the group, won't go away, seems to be perfect at everything, won't explain any of his powers, won't explain anything really, other than that he's special, but the show belongs to us, and believe you me, you'd want to kill him after 5 minutes of his company. I just got to him first.

>>34825283
No one ever asked you to do those things, Adventurer. You did that all on your own.

>>34823020
They told me I didn't have a moral compass, and then I killed the bastards because they wouldn't give me any information about such an artifact.

>>34823020

I'm not actually here for therapy. Get up against the walls, and give me any silver or gemstones you've got. And if you've heard of the Ancient Bowl of Bargahoon, I'd be mightily obliged.

>>34825510
You mean villagers don't like to watch me sodomize their wives while the party bard sings songs about how all peasants' mothers are goats?

I mean, I thought that was what they lived for. That look in their eyes brought me the greatest pleasure because I knew this is what they had been wanting all along.

Are you saying I've been wrong this WHOLE time?

>>34825607
The Ancient Bowl of Bargahoon?

That's why i'm here, too. Nobody knew a damn thing and the doc was saying all adventurers were welcome so I stayed to see what this was all about.

But come to think of it the priest was having trouble keeping a straight face, so now I suspect they tricked me into attending as part of my "Redemption".

... i've taken the floor, I suppose, may as well introduce myself.

I'm Alonso, paladin - former paladin, I guess - of the warrior goddess. You've heard of her. Very much a focus on honour in that cult.

Anywho, I "fell" after having to choose between saving a carriage of soldiers from going over a cliff or some kids from a burning orphanage.

I chose the kids, but turns out that was an evil act 'cause they were shapechanged devils or something.

>>34825556
Yeah I heard about a moral compass too. I even killed a lich who I was told had one.

He just kept screaming "PLEASE GODS DON'T LET ME DIE YET!! WHO WILL CARE FOR THE ORPHANS??"

It kind of pissed me off the way he was bragging about all the orphans he had or whatever.

Never did find that compass though.

It probably doesn't exist.

>>34825763
I still believe. I was told that I could find a moral compass by coming here.

>>34825732
Yeah I made that mistake too, once.
Orphans are needy little assholes.

"Please sir could you spare a copper? Could you adopt me? Could you stop literally raping my only sister in the eye socket?"

Greedy little bastards.

>>34825809
Not a fan of eye-rape myself.

Didn't have much time for it in the monastery.

>>34825690
Yes. I'd like to ask the rest of the group: how many things have you ever sodomized?

Huh. Sorry, I thought this was Coping With Adventure Trauma? Could anybody just direct me to where they moved?

I know it's kind of rude to sit in on an Edgelords Anonymous meeting...

>>34825846
What else is there to do in a monastery? You pray, you train, maybe you compose a bit of poetry, and you fuck the other monks. That's all there is.

>>34825885
Haven't I seen you before? You look familiar...

>>34825880
You mean like, in a week?

I dunno it's hard to keep track.

>>34825880
How many things? Just one. It's this little homeless girl I found on the street one day. I brought her with me. I sodomize her whenever I get "the urge". I keep her well fed and what not.

Sometimes she just sits there and cries though. Anyone know how to make that stop. It's pretty annoying and it makes it difficult to stay hard when she's being so damn noisy.

>>34825880
I don't do it that often. Only to the mayor whenever I come into a new town. You know, the usual.

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>>34825880
pic related

You guys do realize the doctor left a while back, right? He locked all the doors, too.

>>34826560
Huh. Wonder why he left.
I'm kind of having fun talking about all this raping and pillaging stuff though. I don't get much time just to talk you know. Mostly out doing the adventuring stuff.

>>34826560
Welp....
*unzips fly*
Time to get started then gentlemen

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>>34826633
Rolling to expand dong.

>>34826666
>quads
looks like you've got quite the dong expansion going on...

Rolled 6 (1d20)

>>34826666

You didn't roll, but you did just get evil Quads.

A Lich Dick for you.

>>34826633
SHOW ME YOUR HONOR!

>>34825880
Does the mouth count?

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>>34826954

Somebody archive this it is awesome

>>34827042
Done

>>34823020
I JUST WANTED TO PICK UP THE FORK, DID I DESEVE FOR MY LIFE TO RUINED BECAUSE OF THAT!?!?