> Brother Getorix, you are late.

I AM INDEED, CHAPLAIN. HOWEVER, I WISH TO EXPLAIN MYSELF.

> Do so, now.

I WAS EN ROUTE TO OUR MEETING WHEN AN EMERGENCY ERUPTED. A CARGO-LIFTER CARRYING MANY CRATES OF LASRIFLES TIPPED OVER AND THREATENED TO CRUSH A VITAL COMMUNICATIONS ARRAY. AS THE ONLY ASTARTES PRESENT, I IMMEDIATELY ACTED TO SUPPORT THE UNSTABLE VEHICLE. HOWEVER, I BECAME TRAPPED, UNABLE TO SAFELY SET THE LARGE WALKER DOWN, BUT UNABLE TO TIP IT BACK TO A STANDING POSITION.

> I see.

IT TOOK MANY MINUTES FOR THE GUARDSMEN TO TRAVEL TO THE SUPPLY DEPOT AND RETURN WITH A SUPPLY OF CABLES AND A CHIMERA. THEY TIED THE CABLES AROUND THE CARGO-LIFTER AND WERE ABLE TO SET IT BACK UPRIGHT. HOWEVER, BY THAT TIME, I WAS ALREADY LATE FOR THIS MEETING.

> . . .

I DO WISH TO SAY, HOWEVER, THAT THE ENTIRE EXPERIENCE DID PROVE TO ME THE RIGHTNESS OF YOUR TEACHINGS, CHAPLAIN.

> How so?

ROPE WAS INDEED THE FIRST STEP ON THE ROAD TO THIS APPOINTMENT.

> Two hours in the pain glove, Brother Getorix.

I ACCEPT THE PUNISHMENT WILLINGLY, CHAPLAIN.

BROTHER ANTIOCHUS. IT SEEMS THAT A CATACHAN, A VALHALLAN, AND A CADIAN WERE ALL DUE TO BE EXECUTED FOR COWARDICE. HOWEVER, BECAUSE THEY WERE OTHERWISE STRONG AND LOYAL GUARDSMEN, THE COMMISSAR AGREED TO LET THEM CHOOSE THE METHOD OF THEIR EXECUTION.

> . . . go on, Brother Getorix.

THE CATACHAN WENT FIRST. "I WILL CHOOSE THE BOLT PISTOL," HE DECLARED.

THE COMMISSAR RAISED HIS BOLT PISTOL, PLACED IT TO THE GUARDSMAN'S HEAD, AND PULLED THE TRIGGER. THE WEAPON MISFIRED.

"'TIS THE EMPEROR'S WILL THAT YOU LIVE," THE COMMISSAR SAID. "GET BACK IN YOUR RANKS."

THE WILY VALHALLAN, SEEING WHAT HAD HAPPENED, SAID, "I TOO WILL CHOOSE THE BOLT PISTOL."

AGAIN, THE BOLT PISTOL WAS PLACED TO HIS HEAD AND THE TRIGGER PILLED. AGAIN, THE WEAPON MISFIRED.

"'TIS THE EMPEROR'S WILL THAT YOU, TOO, SHALL LIVE," THE COMMISSAR SAID. "GET BACK IN RANKS."

FINALLY, THE CADIAN STEPPED FORWARD. "COMMISSAR, YOUR BOLT PISTOL HAS A JAMMED HAMMER SPRING," THE CADIAN SAID. "I'LL TAKE THE LASPISTOL."

> Mildly amused am I, Brother Getorix.

PRIEST ASKELADD!
>What is it, pup?
I HAVE A MOST AMUSING TALE I WISH TO TELL YOU
>Tales are for alehouses, pup. But I have time for you
>WHAT IS THE MOST PROBABLE HIDING SPOT FOR A DARK ANGEL?
>I don't get why a Dark Angel would hide. They are strong and proud warriors, but I will play along
IN THE CLOSET
>......You won a brew on me, pup.

BROTHER ANTIOCHUS!

> Yes, Brother Getorix?

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE RESULTS OF THE BASEBALL GAME BETWEEN THE BLOOD RAVENS AND THE IMPERIAL FISTS?

> No, Brother Antiochus.

IT SEEMS IT ENDED IN STALEMATE. THE BLOOD RAVENS KEPT STEALING BASES, BUT THE IMPERIAL FISTS WOULD NOT LET THEM REACH HOME.

> A predictable result.

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>>34729084
>> A predictable result.

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>>34728785
>ROPE WAS INDEED THE FIRST STEP ON THE ROAD TO THIS APPOINTMENT.

>>34728785
>ROPE WAS INDEED THE FIRST STEP ON THE ROAD TO THIS APPOINTMENT

you magnificent bastard

BROTHER MANFRED

>YES, BROTHER KARL?

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE SPACE WOLF WITH THE BIONIC LEG NAMED BJORN?

>TELL ME BROTHER, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF HIS OTHER LEG?

MY GUFFAWS ARE AS LOUD AND RIGHTEOUS AS HOLY EXTERMINATUS BROTHER.

But are there any heretical jokes?

>>34730737
I guess a heretical joke might go something along these lines:

>Lucifer, my fellow traitor. Do you know what I find funny?

No, Hereticus. Do enlighten me as to what a pathetic betrayer to the Imperial Cause such as you might enjoy.

>Rape amuses me!

Bwahaha! Your wit amuses me. It's my sole source of pleasure in this godforsaken hellhole so far away from the Emperor's light.

>>34730921
What about rape jokes that involve the amusing various foreboding reaction, reaction, and end reaction to the imenient rape? like A tau joke with Blueberry cherry pop as the punch line or something

>>34731119
But then it would be a joke mocking the filthy xenos, and thus no longer heretical.

>>34731171
Fucking Xenos is Heresy.


What.

>>34730737
MY LORD TYPHUS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR A JOKE?

>Speak.

ABADDON.

>Haha, praise Nurgle that is funny.

Make a joke about Abbadons bloody telephone shill service cabal of sorcerers he never shuts up about.

>>34731216
Only if the joke includes loyalists among the characters.
A joke about kroot on tau action should be acceptable.

>>34731224
kek

LORD ELIPHAS. I HAVE HEARD AN AMUSING ANECDOTE ABOUT YOUR FELLOW CHAOS LORDS. DO YOU WISH ME TO RELATE IT TO YOU?

> Speak, insignificant servant of the Ruinous Powers.

IT HAS BEEN SAID THAT LORD ABBADON IS NO LONGER INVITED TO THE CHAOS LORDS' MOVIE SCREENINGS, FOR HE WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT THE MOVIE AND WILL GIVE AWAY PLOT POINTS BEFORE THEY COME.

> Is this true?

IS IT NOT OBVIOUS? AFTER ALL, HE IS INDEED ABBADON OF THE SPOILERS. . .

> I see, insignificant cultist. Is this also why all of his METAL BAWKSES have fins on them to counteract the natural lift of the vehicle at high speed?

THAT WOULD BE AN OBVIOUS CONCLUSION, MY LORD

> You amuse me. For your service, I shall delay sacrificing you to the Ruinous Powers in pursuit of my dark plans.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR MERCY, MY LORD.

OI YA GIT

>WA DO U WANT

WUT DO UZ KALL AN ORK OOZE AFRAID O FITIN

>WUT

I DONT NO UZ GIT I WAS ASKIN UZ A QUESTION

>OOZE U KALLIN A GIT YOU STINKIN GROT

WAAAAGH!

>WAAAGH!

>>34732792
And now I kinda want to make a Slaaneshi warband that spends all their time ricing their vehicles.

>>34728785
I don't get it

>>34736074
"Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment."
"Rope was the first step on the road to this appointment."

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>>34736169
>thank you based-anon
>>34732964
>hahahaha, ork jokes

GOOD MORROW BROTHER

>IT IS ANOTHER GLORIOUS DAY IN THE EMPEROR'S SERVICE ON THIS FINE DESERT PLANET

BROTHER, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU

>THEN ASK IT, AND BE DONE WITH IT

VERY WELL. WHY DO THESE LOCALS SHY AWAY FROM THE FOODSTUFFS OUR SERFS HAVE MADE FOR THEM? WE HAVE SECURED MANY LOAVES OF BREAD, MEATS, AND VEGETABLES THAT ENSURE A STABLE DIET, THOUGH THE DESERT SANDS HAS FOUND ITS WAY INTO OUR STORAGE COMPARTMENTS

>BROTHER, SURELY YOU KNOW IT IS IN THE COMMONER'S BELIEF TO FEAR THE SANDWICH

Slavemaster Ardjun, why do the other Dark Eldar fear Incubus Vogoliath so?

> Well, it seems that when Vogoliath was a mere two centuries of age, a craftsman forged a legendary Klaive of the highest quality. So many lusted to own this fine weapon that the craftsman declared that any who would possess it must first pass three tests.

> First, they must endure a full minute's exposure in the vacuum of space to prove their hardiness.

> Secondly, they must slay a legendary Hive Tyrant who had infested a section of Commoragh to prove their valor.

> Thirdly, they must rape ten thousand Mon'Keigh slaves to prove their cruelty.

> Many came. None could even succeed at the first task. But then Vogoliath came, and without hesitation, stepped through the airlock and endured a full minute's exposure in the vacuum of space! Though his skin bruised and his blood boiled and his eyes felt like they would explode, he did not surrender nor did he quail at his task!

> Then Vogoliath proceeded into the darkest, deepest tunnels of Commoragh. There, he and his companions found the Hive Tyrant.

And he defeated it?

> There was indeed a great battle. The sound of gnashing teeth and the wails of terror and bestial rage. And in the end, Vogoliath did return bloodied and battered, but victorious. . . and then he spoke the words that make us fear him so:

> "Where are these ten thousand slaves I'm supposed to kill?

BY SLAANESH'S PUS-RIDDEN TITS!

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>>34728785
>ROPE WAS INDEED THE FIRST STEP ON THE ROAD TO THIS APPOINTMENT.

This, and the Always Sunny thread made my fucking night

>>34739061
i'll never get tired of that one

>>34739590
Got a pointer to the always sunny thread?

Lord-Captain, may I have a moment of your time? I have a story to relate.

>The Navigator tells me there will be at least three more days spent in the Immaterium. Proceed, Astropath.

Very good sir. The story concerns a Captain very much like yourself, except that his predecessor had squandered his wealth such that he only had 500 Thrones left to his name.

>By the Emperor, how horrifying!

Indeed sir. But this man was a faithful servant of the Imperium, and as such he chose to place his faith in Him on Terra. Reciting a littany under his breath, he marched into a gambling house on Necromunda. He approached a poker table, and bet all his thrones on a single hand.

>A bold maneuver!

Indeed sir, and one that paid off. He won the hand and doubled his money. Indeed, his luck continued to grow, until he was playing a game in the palatial spire of the Planetary Governor himself!

>By the Throne! Such a tale . . . tell me, did he win?

Indeed, Lord-Captain. And with the wealth of an entire planet at his disposal, the first thing he did was march to the Astropath Choir to contact his dear wife.

>Such a faithful man.

Quite, quite. He sent the following message: "My dear, through a stroke of luck I have turned my fate around, and now posess the wealth of an entire planet! Have the servants pack your bags!"

She responded: "That's wonderful, dear! Where are we going? Dawnbreak? Breanna?"

>And how did the Captain respond?

"I don't care, just be gone when I get back!"

>Seneschal, I require you to laugh for me. Until you have tears in your eyes, but stop before your sides hurt.

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>>34739978
>That fuckin' ending

>>34737503
You don't need to greentext everything.

>naming a file "4chan..."
How much of a new outsider do you want to appear to be?

>>34731294
Friendly reminder that even traitor Marines think Xenos are fucking disgusting.

>>34739458
this is good

>>34739978
nice joke, but it has nothing to do with 40k, you just changed the setting

>>34735815

Just their vehicles? They'd be ricing their armor, too

>>34740240
same for this one >>34739458

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An Ork warboss is sitting in a trench with his horde of boyz behind him, when he hears an Astartes shout from the other side of no-man's land "One Space Marine is worth ten Orks!" Recognizing a challenge when he hears one, the Warboss immediately sends ten eager boyz up and over to make the space marine eat his words. A moment later, the sounds of battle echo across the field, and ends just as quickly without a single Ork returning.
Then the same voice calls out "One Space Marine is worth fifty Orks!" Now a bit miffed, The Boss sends fifty lads to stomp in the challenger's face. Once again, the sounds of combat are heard, the Orkish warcries filling the air, but after a few minutes it dies down and the greenskin attack is completely silenced.
"One Space Marine is worth a HUNDRED Orks!" cries the champion. Utterly furious, the Warboss summons a hundred of his best warriors, taking a while and enlisting a few Grots to help count that high with their fingers, and the warhost charges the Imperial position with a deafening WAAAGH. An epic battle is heard for ten minutes, but much to the boss's frustration, even that peters out until the field is silent once again.
However, this time a single nob crawls back into the Ork trench, and tells him "They cheated, boss! There was TWO of 'em!"

>>34740319
Yet another reskin. You are qualified for Black Library.

>>34740240
How is Rogue Trader not 40k

>>34740337

>Bitch bitch
>Nag nag
>Contributes nothing
>Oblivious to the fact that all jokes in here and all 40k humor threads are just reskins

With the amount of shit you're posting, you could go for writing codices

>>34740391
Nah it's cool, that's exactly what I did.

It's how I GM 40k RP too. I've used a couple DnD modules adapted to Dark Heresy.

What did the Imperial citizen say to the ork who was about to krump him?

Save me emperor!

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>>34729084
>> A predictable result.
Oh man my bones

>>34740394
>Oblivious to the fact that all jokes in here and all 40k humor threads are just reskins
Not really, no. See >>34728785 and all of the other Getorix ones.

>>34739458
I uh... I don't get it.

>>34740977
He fucked the Hive Tyrant

>>34740977
He raped the tyrant and plans to kill the prisoners.

>>34741002
>>34741007
Oooooooh! Gotcha.

>>34728785
What´s even funnier is that that´s not a chaplain´s saying, but a librarian´s.
>so whacky

>>34741146
Oh no, it's not like Chaplains and Librarians can share phrases and teachings, no not at all.

CHAPLAIN.

> Brother Getorix.

THERE IS SOMETHING I WISH TO TELL YOU. YOU SEE, WHILE ON MANEUVERS FIGHTING AGAINST THE HERETICS, OUR SQUAD WAS FORCED TO ABANDON ITS POSITION AND FIND A NEW PLACE TO MAKE THEIR STAND. THERE WAS A ROCK QUARRY NEARBY, BUT THE CAPTAIN COUNSELED AGAINST IT AS THE MINE WAS FAR TOO INSIGNIFICANT TO BE EASILY FORTIFIED.

HOWEVER, I REMEMBERED YOUR TEACHINGS, AND ADVISED HIM DIFFERENTLY. THE CAPTAIN UNDERSTOOD, AND WE CHOSE THAT QUARRY AS OUR HIDING PLACE.

INDEED, THE HERETICS PASSED US BY, AND WE AMBUSHED THEM FROM BEHIND WHILE THE REST OF THE CHAPTER STRUCK THEM FROM ALL SIDES! THERE WAS A GREAT SLAUGHTER, AND WE SLEW MANY OF THE ENEMY FOR THE EMPEROR! TRULY, A FINE DAY IN THE HISTORY OF OUR CHAPTER.

> A fine story, Brother Getorix. However, I do not understand how my teachings could have advised you in this situation?

BUT CHAPLAIN! DID YOU NOT ONCE ADVISE ME, BLESSED IS THE MINE TOO SMALL FOR A REDOUBT?

> Two hours in the pain glove.

YES, CHAPLAIN.

>>34742522
Someone fucking draw brother getorix and chaplain antiochus

>>34732964
>OI WHYS U INNIT TALKIN GREEN

WUT

>SUMFINK INNIT RITE WIF U

>>34730737
SORCERER, IF YOU SEE A FOUL LOYALIST BLOOD RAVEN IN A RHINI, WHY SHOULD YOU NOT DESTROY IT?
>I see no reason not to do so, but why?
IT IS PROBABLY YOUR RHINO
>i offer my sides to Tzeentch

BROTHER ANTIOCHUS!

> Yes, Brother Getorix?

THE WIND BLOWS TOO STRONGLY! THESE DUST STORMS WILL BATTER US TO PIECES! WE MUST FALL BACK TO SAFER GROUND!

> This may be true, but it sticks in my craw that we must retreat in the face of a mere storm!

FEAR NOT, BROTHER ANTIOCHUS! FOR THE CHAPLAIN HIMSELF TOLD ME, "TO WITHDRAW IN THIS GUST IS NOT COWARDICE!"

> I somehow believe you misheard his words, but your logic is sound.

BROTHER REGULUS!

>what is it, brother?

DO YOU RECALL, THIS AFTERNOON, WHEN BROTHER CALLIFAX TRIPPED DURING THE BOLTER DRILL?

>I recall indeed, I assure you that brother Callifax has already undergone punishment for his mistake

I HAVE NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, BROTHER, BUT THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT TO TELL YOU

>What did you mean then, brother Tanthius?

I JUST FIGURED THAT THE FALLEN SHALL BE FOREVER REMEMBERED, AS THE EMPEROR'S CLUMSIEST

>Go join Brother Getorix in the pain glove, brother Tanthius

AT ONCE, BROTHER

> Chaplain

Brother Antiochus.

> I wish to speak to you about an incident regarding Brother Getorix.

What has he done now?

> Well, we had just finished purging the heretics from a world, and the Imperial Governor invited us to feast with him in his mansion. Great dishes were served to us, ranging from giant roasts to pots full of boiled potatos. A truly wondrous meal.

A proper thanks given to the Emperor's Angels of Death.

> So I believed. However, as the meal wound down, the Governor's steward presented us with what appeared to be a delicious dish of roasted meats. "Calf's heart casserole," we were told, "Except that we were short on calf's heart, so I used pork heart inste--."

> It was then that Brother Getorix drew his bolt pistol and slew the Steward!

A rash action! I will discipline him for--

> Nay, Chaplain. For after our initial shock, Brother Getorix explained his logic and it was sound. And indeed, when we tested the meat, we found that it was not made of calf's heart, but the hearts of innocent children! The Steward had been a cultist of the Ruinous Powers, and had dark designs to cause the Emperor's Angels of Death to engage in heresy most foul!

I am reluctant to ask this, but I must. Did Brother Getorix explain his reasoning?

> He did indeed. He said that you yourself had told him There can be no substitute for veal.

Join Brothers Getorix and Tanthius in the pain glove immediately.

> Yes, Chaplain.

>>34742690

>Emperor save us. Some malady of the mind has taken hold of our battle-brothers.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BROTHER?

>They recite our teachings incorrectly in an attempt to make a farce of them; an attempt at humour, perhaps. It is my hope that the purifying agony of the pain glove will return them to their right minds.

BROTHER, DOES THAT NOT SEEM UNJUST "PUN"ISHMENT?

>... The God-Emperor did not bless you with a grand wit, Brother Talorus. Nonetheless, pain glove. Go.

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/thread
>pic related

is this why the word-bearers turned traitor?

>>34742972
They just couldnt take the jokes anymore.

*hours later, brother Getorix, Tanthius, Antiochus and Talorus, in the pain glove chamber*

BROTHERS, IT IS MOST UNFORTUNATE THAT WE ALL MUST SHARE THIS JUST PUNISHMENT FOR OUR BEFALLEN CONDUIT

>Indeed, brother Getorix, but at least now we are paying for our mistakes

>RIGHT YOU ARE, BROTHER ANTIOCHUS, BUT NONETHELESS, I MUST SAY THAT THIS PUNISHMENT SEEMS UNFITTING FOR MY ACTIONS

>what do you mean, brother Talorus?

I CANNOT FEEL THE PAIN INTENDED FORM THIS PUNISHMENT, SO I MUST NOTICE THAT THIS IS UNEFFECTIVE

>These are brave but indeed dangerous words, brother Talorus, how come you cannot feel the pain glove while the whole of us must fight to face it?

>BECAUSE, BROTHER TANTHIUS, I FEEL NO EVIL, FOR I AM FEEL INCARNED

>...I assume that this means we must lenghten our stay in the pain glove, brothers

INDEED YOU ARE RIGHT, BROTHER ANTIOCHUS

>>34743047
aw i fucked up with the >

>>34742972
>chaos warband originated from the word bearers
>The Word Twisters
>driving loyalists mad by broadcasting Fozzie the Bear's jokes on all channels

>>34743066
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0T8gO-LUFE
>daemons of Fozzie
>Punmarines with pun-guns

>>34742630
>U INNIT TALKIN GREEN
>FUMFINK INNIT RITE

Please stop.

>>34742972
yes

bump