Nothing.

>>34635716

Meditate or pray if you are one of the few religious chapters.

Feast.

Duel.

Spar/practice/train.

Maintain gear.

Serfsoccer.

>>34635716
Each other.

the emperor's bidding is the greatest fun that can be had

Purge

>>34635716
Train, pray, masochist meditation in the pain glove.

>>34635743
>Meditate or pray if you are one of the few religious chapters.

Aren't they all religious chapters?

Granted they don't all act like it but aren't they all supposed to be warrior monks?

Have some fun.

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>>34635739

Hey, I like doing that too! Standing still for hours on end without talking or moving is just the best!

>mfw autistic marines

do they ever go on dates with qt imperial guardswomen /tg/

>>34635783

Only a few worship the Emperor as a god.

Fire Angels and Carcharodons for example. Black Templars also I think? I don't know many. The rest just meditate and revere the Emperor, but don't worship. If you call the monastic lifestyle "religious" then I guess, but they're not exactly like the SoB or IG in their religion.

Well Iron Hands do masochism, Space Woofs do viking shit, Ultramrines circle jerk to their primarch, Blood Angels try to keep sane and Dark Angels just wonder around in denial.

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>>34635743
>Serfsoccer.

>>34635716
Obviously someone has too much free time if they're asking this question.
Get back in the painglove.

>>34635818

When not attending to their duties, the failed aspirants maintain their physical fitness in the form of exercise and sport ranging from fisticuffs to a long lost game of kicking a ball from one end of a designated field to another.

This sacred pastime passed down from the ages of Terra has been practiced with the same intensity one would devote to memorizing the words of Guillaman himself.

Lord Macaggare is pleased to hold such games pitting the various serfs against one another for the viewing of the chapter and the people of Macaggare.

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>>34635838

Oh my!

>>34635902

No, it's more like Punt the Serf.

Techmarines are highly sought after as goaltenders.

>>34635925
>filename
You.

I kill you last.

>>34635902
just watch out for when the Space Wolves host a game, if they lose they start a riot, if they win they start an even bigger riot.

>>34635954

Fucking Space Brazilians.

>>34635744
I came here to say this.

BROTHER ANTIOCHUS. I WISH TO RELATE TO YOU AN AMUSING TALE WHICH I HEARD FROM A GUARDSMAN IN MY LAST BATTLE

> Speak, brother Getorix.

IT SEEMS THAT THERE WAS A COMPANY OF FOUL TRAITOR GUARDSMEN WHO WERE ATTACKING ONE OF THE EMPEROR'S HIVEWORLDS WHEN THEY CAME UPON A SINGLE SPACE MARINE. THE SPACE MARINE IMMEDIATELY RAISED HIS MIDDLE FINGER TO THEM AND WALKED BEHIND A WALL.

> It is dangerous to know too much of the thoughts of the foul heretic, but go on, my brother.

THE HERETIC COMMANDER, BEING COWARDLY AND UNWILLING TO FIGHT, SENT SIX TRAITOR GUARDSMEN TO SLAY THAT SPACE MARINE. THEY ROUNDED THE CORNER AND WERE ALL SLAUGHTERED. THE SPACE MARINE, HIS ARMOR STAINED WITH THE FOUL BLOOD OF THE HERETICS, THEN WALKED BACK AROUND THE CORNER AND EXPOSED HIS BUTTOCKS TO THEM BEFORE ONCE AGAIN DUCKING UNDER COVER

> A most amusing taunt.

THE HERETIC COMMANDER THEN SENT A DOZEN TRAITOR GUARDSMEN TO SLAY THAT SPACE MARINE. AND OF COURSE, THEY WERE ALL SLAIN. THIS TIME, THE SPACE MARINE EMERGED FROM BEHIND COVER AND DISPLAYED HIS GENITALIA BEFORE ONCE AGAIN DUCKING BEHIND THE CORNER.

> Amusing.

THE HERETIC COMMANDER THEN SENT TWO DOZEN TRAITOR GUARDSMEN TO SLAY THAT SPACE MARINE. . . THIS TIME, ONE OF THEM RETURNED, SCREAMING. "IT'S A TRAP! THERE ARE TWO OF THEM!"

A MOMENT LATER, THE SPACE MARINE'S BATTLE BROTHER AMBUSHED THE TRAITOR GUARDSMEN, HAVING USED OUR HERO'S ANTICS TO DRAW THE ENEMY'S ATTENTION! AND THUS THE HERETICS WERE SLAIN!

> A fine strategem indeed my brother!

BROTHER ANTIOCHUS! I WISH TO RELATE TO YOU ANOTHER AMUSING TALE WHICH I HAVE HEARD!

> Speak, brother Getorix

IT SEEMS THAT ONE DAY, A SPACE MARINE CHAPLAIN, AN INQUISITOR, AND A COMMISSAR WERE DINING TOGETHER, WHEN AN ARGUMENT ERUPTED OVER WHICH OF THE EMPEROR'S SERVANTS WERE MIGHTIEST AND MOST LOYAL.

> A pointless argument, the answer is obvious. But go on, my brother.

THE COMMISSAR CLAIMED THAT THE IMPERIAL GUARD WERE SUPERIOR BECAUSE THEY DID NOT FEAR DEATH, AND TO PROVE IT, HE ORDERED HIS ORDERLY TO SHOOT HIMSELF IN THE HEAD. AND THUS DID THE GUARDSMAN DRAW HIS LASPISTOL AND SHOOT HIMSELF IN THE HEAD.

> Brave, but stupid.

THE INQUISITOR THEN CLAIMED THAT THE FORCES OF THE INQUISITION WERE SUPERIOR. AND TO PROVE IT, HE ORDERED HIS ENTIRE RETINUE TO KILL THEMSELVES. WHICH THEY DID, AS THE INQUISITOR ORDERED.

> What choice had they if an Inquisitor ordered it to be so.

IT WAS THEN THAT THE SPACE MARINE CHAPLAIN TURNED TO ONE OF HIS SPACE MARINES, AND SAID, "BROTHER VERACITUS, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I ORDERED YOU TO SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE HEAD?"

AND THE SPACE MARINE SAID, "I WOULD TELL YOU TO FORNICATE WITH A GOAT, CHAPLAIN! FOR ONLY A HERETIC WOULD DARE WASTE LIVES IN THE EMPEROR'S SERVICE FOR SO TRIVIAL A CAUSE!"

"AGREED," SAID THE SPACE MARINE CHAPLAIN! AND THEN HE AND BROTHER VERACITUS SLEW BOTH THE INQUISITOR AND THE COMMISSAR, FOR THEY HAD CLEARLY FALLEN TO CHAOS!

> We must, of course, be ever vigilant against the encroaching forces of Chaos.

>>34637552
>>34637778

this. fuckin this

BROTHER ANTIOCHUS!

> Have you another amusing tale to relate to me, Brother Getorix?

I DO INDEED. IT SEEMS THERE WAS ONCE A COMPANY OF SPACE WOLVES WHO WERE TOLD THAT THEY WOULD BE ENGAGING UPON AN AIRBORNE ASSAULT ON A FORTIFIED TRAITOR MARINE POSITION. THE SPACE WOLF CAPTAIN WAS MOST PERTURBED AT THIS NEWS, AND CONSULTED WITH HIS MARINES AT LENGTH.

FINALLY, THE CAPTAIN WENT TO THE IMPERIAL NAVY COMMANDER AND TOLD HIM, "IF YOU WISH US TO CARRY OUT THIS ASSAULT, WE MUST DROP FROM AN ALTITUDE OF 10,000 METERS, AND WE MUST USE THE MARSHY GROUND NORTH OF THE ENEMY POSITION AS OUR LANDING POSITIONS

THE IMPERIAL NAVY COMMANDER REPLIED, "AT 10,000 METERS, YOUR DROP PODS WILL NOT HAVE TIME TO DECELERATE!"

"AH," THE SPACE WOLF CAPTAIN SAID. "NO ONE HAD TOLD US THERE WOULD BE DROP PODS."

> I assume the Space Wolf Captain was disciplined for shirking his studies? One would expect that any Space Marine Captain would know how an orbital insertion would proceed.

IT WAS AN AMUSING ANECDOTE, MY BROTHER, MEANT TO ILLUSTRATE THE COMMON STEREOTYPE THAT THE SPACE WOLVES ARE GREAT IN COURAGE BUT LACKING IN INTELLIGENCE.

> If that was your intention, a better tale to relate would be the one I witnessed during a joint assault on a Tyranid-infested world between our chapter and the Space Wolves

[to be continued]

>>34635810
>Fire Angels and Carcharodons for example
No.

Carharodons specifically don't.

>>34638201

HOW DID IT PROCEED?

> All went well until a company of Guardsmen required reinforcements. Unfortunately they were on the other side of the river from us, and we had no transports save our Rhinos.

A DIFFICULT SITUATION INDEED

> The Space Wolves were marvelous. One of them, their Captain, waded into the water without hesitation. Twice, his helmet filled with water, and he nearly drowned. Yet another group of Space Wolves attempted to ford the river in a Rhino, which became stuck in the mud, but the mighty Space Wolves managed to drag it out using chains and their own brute strength. Their Techmarines went so far as to fashion makeshift rafts for their Thunderwolves, several of whom defecated themselves in terror and had to be restrained. A marvelous effort worthy of the Emperor's own Space Marines.

AND HOW DID YOUR OWN CROSSING FARE?

> Somewhat better. We proceeded a half-kilometer up the river and used the bridge instead.

MOST AMUSING, MY BROTHER!

> I say only somewhat better, for the Tyranids laid an ambush for us as we approached. Still, it was but the work of a moment for our own Techmarines to repair the structure, under the cover fire from our Devastators. The Space Wolves were quite upset that they had lost the chance to slay foul Xenos.

A MOST UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCE FOR THE SONS OF RUSS.

> Indeed

>>34635810
>Only a few worship the Emperor as a god.
that's besides the point. Each chapter maintains its own cult practices.

You don't need to worship the emperor to be religious.

BROTHER ANTIOCHUS!

> Brother Getorix. Let me guess. You have --

I HAVE ANOTHER AMUSING STORY TO RELATE TO YOU, MY BROTHER!

> I may as well get this over with. Tell me this story.

IT SEEMS THAT THERE WAS ONCE AN ASSAULT MARINE WHO, IN THE MIDST OF BATTLE, SAW A FELLOW MARINE FELLED BY A FOUL HERETIC'S BOLTER. WHEN HE WENT ON TO COLLECT HIS BATTLE BROTHER'S GENESEED, HE SAW THAT THE MARINE WAS NOT DEAD, BUT HAD SIMPLY HAD THE BOTTOM HALF OF HIS LEG BLOWN OFF

> Good fortune for the Marine.

INDEED. THE WOUNDED SPACE MARINE TOLD HIS COMPATRIOT, "I HAVE LOST MY LEG! I CAN STILL FIGHT, BUT I MUST BE TREATED FOR MY INJURY! TAKE ME TO THE APOTHECARY!" AND SO THE ASSAULT MARINE LIFTED HIS WOUNDED COMPATRIOT OVER HIS BACK AND CARRIED HIM FROM THE BATTLEFIELD.

UNBEKNOWNST TO HIM, HOWEVER, A FOUL HERETIC AMBUSH LAY AHEAD, AND THE HERETICS OPENED FIRE! THE ASSAULT MARINE USED HIS JUMP PACK TO ESCAPE, BUT IN THE MIDST OF HIS ESCAPE, A BOLTER SHOT PENETRATED HIS BROTHER'S HELMET AND KILLED THE WOUNDED MARINE INSTANTLY!

> Most unfortunate

INDEED. HOWEVER, THE ASSAULT MARINE KNEW THIS NOT, AND IMMEDIATELY RAN TO THE APOTHECARY, SAYING, "APOTHECARY! THIS MARINE IS WOUNDED AND REQUIRES MEDICAL ATTENTION!"

THE APOTHECARY TOOK ONE LOOK AND SAID, "HE IS SLAIN! HIS HEAD HAS BEEN BLOWN OFF!"

THE ASSAULT MARINE LOOKED AT HIS DEAD COMRADE, PUZZLED, AND SAID, "HE TOLD ME IT WAS HIS LEG!"

> And then the Apothecary collected the gene-seed from the dead Marine, of course?

OF COURSE.

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Get them selves some of this.

MY BROTHER, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU

>ASK AWAY, MY BROTHER

HOW MANY DROP PODS ARE REQUIRED TO DEPLOY A TACTICAL SQUAD OF ULTRAMARINES

>SUCH A DEPLOYMENT SHOULD REQUIRE NO MORE THAN ONE DROP POD, MY BROTHER

YOU ARE MISTAKEN, BROTHER. ONE IS REQUIRED TO CONVEY THE ULTRAMARINES TO BATTLE, BUT ANOTHER IS NECESSARY TO CARRY THEIR COPY OF THE CODEX ASTARTES, AS GIVEN TO US ALL BY OUR SPIRITUAL LIEGE ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN

>I FIND BOTH TRUTH AND HUMOR IN YOUR OBSERVATION, MY BROTHER, BUT NOW I MUST RELOAD MY STORM BOLTER

>>34638814
>Brother, do you wish to hear the tale of my first initiate that I had to train?
Go on Brother
>I was training my first new brother, and told him he must slay 100 foul xenos by the end of the day using nothing but his chainsword, yet by the end of the day he had only slain 98
Did you kill the initiate for failing our chapter and His Holiness?
>Nay, I had previously burned a paticularly heretical witch, and was in a good mood. I gave him a chainsword, and told him to slay 100 foul Xenos by the end of the day. Yet, by the end of the day he had only slain 99.
And then you executed him for failing to follow your order, as well as failing the chapter and the mighty Emperor?
>Nay. If he had failed twice, it was my own teaching to blame. We entered the battlefield, confident that with my own example, he could easily kill 100 Xenos. As I readied my Chainsword, the initiate suddenly turned and asked "Brother-Captain, what in the name of holy Terra is that sound?"

>>34638851
I AM TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE LOCAL COMMISSAR HAS DECLARED EXTERMINATUS ON OUR GYMNASTIC-CHAPEL

>THIS WILL NOT STAND, BROTHER! WHAT REASON COULD HE POSSIBLY GIVE?

APPARENTLY HE DISCOVERED A NUMBER OF OUR CHAPTER DOING SQUATS.

>>34638880
BROTHER, I UNDERSTAND THAT DURING YOUR LAST PHYSICAL EXAMINATION THE MACHINE SPIRITS OF THE WEIGHING APPARATUS SAID "ONE AT A TIME PLEASE".

>INDEED BROTHER, TERMINATOR ARMOUR IS TRULY MASSIVE

THAT IT IS. EMPEROR PROTECTS.

>NONETHELESS I APPRECIATE YOUR LEVITY REGARDING MY INCREASED BODILY MASS. ACCORDINGLY I WILL BE ADOPTING A SLAANESHI DIET

HOW WILL THAT WORK, BROTHER?

>WHENEVER I SEE FOOD, I SHALL SAY "OH FUCK IT".

THAT IS AMUSING, BROTHER, BUT YOUR HERESY HAS NOT GONE UN-NOTICED.

>>34638905
HOW DO YOU STOP AN ORK FROM DROWNING, BROTHER?

>I HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OF THIS FIELD, PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME

YOU TAKE YOUR BOOT FROM THE BACK OF HIS NECK.

>ALLOWING A XENO TO LIVE WOULD BE HERESY, BROTHER. I FEAR I MUST BRING THIS TO THE ATTENTION OF THE INQUISITION.

The responses to the humor marine's heresy is often more funny than the punchline

>>34638940
WHAT DO WE CALL A THOUSAND DEAD XENOS, BROTHER?

>I AM UNSURE, CAPTAIN, WHAT DO WE CALL ONE THOUSAND DEAD XENOS

A GOOD START

>I AM AMUSED, BROTHER, BUT THAT WILL NOT STAY ME FROM MY TASK. NOW RELOAD,

>>34638966
BROTHER! DID YOU KNOW THAT ORK WE JUST KILLED CAME FROM SPORES IN THE GROUND?

>I DID INDEED, IT WAS PART OF MY TRAINING TO KNOW XENOS LORE.

IT IS TOO BAD WE KILLED HIM, HE WAS PROBABLY A FUNGI.

>IF HE WAS, THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU JOIN HIM IN REVELRY INSIDE HIS KILLA KAN?

I WOULD HAVE, BUT THERE WASN'T MUSHROOM.

>FROM HERE ON OUT, VOX SILENCE MY BROTHER.

AGREED.

>>34638995
BROTHER, IS IT JUST ME OR DOES THIS TASK FORCE SEEM EXCESSIVELY LARGE FOR THE RECONQUEST OF A PLANET KNOWN SOLELY FOR ITS VINEYARDS?

>IT DOES STRIKE ME AS ODD, YES. WHY, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THERE HAS BEEN MORE THAN ONE OTHER EVENT IN IMPERIAL HISTORY TO BRING TOGETHER SUCH A SIZABLE FLEET.

AND WHAT EVENT WOULD THAT BE, BROTHER?

>THE GRAPE CRUSADE.

GREAT EMPRAH, IT SEEMS THAT MY SIDES HAVE ALREADY LAUNCHED THE INVASION AHEAD OF US!

>>34639013
>BROTHER, DID YOU KNOW THAT A MOST HONORED CANONESS OF THE ADEPTA SORORITAS IS HERE ON LEAVE?

WHAT FOR, BROTHER?

>THEY WISH HER TO ATTEND A CEREMONY HONORING THE INCINERATION UNIT SHE USED TO PURGE THIS PLANET OF ORKS TWO YEARS AGO.

SO SHE'S VISITING AN OLD FLAME?

>BROTHER THEODOSIUS TO FLEET, PLEASE NOTE THE TWO HIGH-VELOCITY UNKNOWNS ON YOUR RADAR. THOSE WOULD BE MY SIDES. PLEASE HAVE THEM RETURNED TO ME POST-HASTE.

>>34639040
BROTHER ASMODAI DID YOU HEAR WHAT THE LATEST OF OUR TRAITOROUS BRETHREN DECLARED WHEN MASTER BELIAL SMOTE HIM TO THE GROUND?

>NAY LORD SAPPHON, WHAT VILE HERESIES PASSED THROUGH HIS CURSED LIPS?

I AM FALLEN, AND I CANNOT GET UP.

>...

>>34639060
I JUST NOTICED THAT THE SCOUT SERGEANT CALLS HEADS LOVE

>WHY IS THAT BROTHER?

BECAUSE THEN LOVE CAN BOOM!

>I DO NOT FULLY UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF SUCH A PHRASE, BUT I WILL GLADLY JOIN YOU IN THE AUDIBLE ENJOYMENT OF IT!

>>34639076
BROTHER, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BULIMIC SISTER OF BATTLE?

>NO, BROTHER. HOW IS SHE DOING?

SHE IS DOING FINE, BROTHER. SHE SPENDS ALL OF HER TIME PURGING.

>YOU THERE, INITIATE. YES, YOU, WITH THE BOLTER. I NEED YOU TO SHOOT MY FRIEND HERE.

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>>34635716
Really? Am I the only one here to state the obvious?

>>34639099
I HEARD AN AMUSING JOKE, THE OTHER DAY, BATTLE BROTHER. WHAT DID THE ALPHA LEGIONARY SAY TO HIS SECRET SLEEPER AGENT CONTACT?

>I DON'T KNOW, BROTHER SIGIL. WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE SAID, YOUR MISSION IS TO ALTER THE NAVIGATIONAL BEACON FREQUENCY TO 226.53 AND ENSURE THE DISTRESS SIGNAL GOES THROUGH WITH A DELAY OF 28 MINUTES.

>HA, HA, THAT IS A MOST AMUSING JOKE, BROTHER. I MUST NOW DEPART TO THE COMMUNICATIONS ARRAY. *WINK*.

DID YOU JUST SAY "WINK", BROTHER?

>NOT AT ALL. YOU MUST BE IMAGINING THINGS. HA, HA, HA.

>>34639127
>GREETINGS DREADNOUGHT!

WHAT DO YOU WISH OF THE TORTURED DEAD?

>A STRANGE MAN WALKED INTO THE BAR AND THE BARTENDER SAID "YOU KNOW WE HAVE A DRINK NAMED AFTER YOU!"

EMPEROR PLEASE, END MY CURSE!

>THE STRANGE MAN REPLIED WITH "YOU HAVE A DRINK NAMED GENESTEALER?" THE PLANET WAS VOID OF LIFE WITHIN THE WEEK!

IF I HAD ARMED I'D STRANGLE YOU!

BROTHER ANTIOCHU--

> Is this yet another amusing anecdote?

IT IS INDEED!

> Emperor in Terra. . . when will he ever run out of these. . . all right, my brother. Tell me your amusing anecdote.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE SISTER OF BATTLE WHO DONNED SPACE MARINE ARMOR AND JOINED A SPACE MARINE CHAPTER INCOGNITO? SHE ATE WITH THEM, FOUGHT WITH THEM, EVEN BATHED WITH THEM!

> I would expect that the Space Marines would have discovered her secret if she went so far as to bathe with them.

NONE OF THEM TOLD

> . . . give me the name of this chapter, and I shall report this to the Ecclesiarchy.

I ALREADY HAVE.

> Your vigilance does you credit, Brother Getorix.

>>34639127

MY SIDES HAVE BEEN INTERRED IN A DREADNAUGHT, DUE TO GREVIOUS GUFFAW-RELATED WOUNDS.

>>34639151
BROTHER, I MUST CONFESS, I AM MOVED BY THE PLIGHT OF THESE XENOS.

>SPEAK NOT, BROTHER, SURELY YOU CANNOT MEAN YOU SYMPATHISE WITH THESE WRETCHED ENEMIES OF THE EMPEROR?

NAY BROTHER, I AM REFERRING TO THE QUARTER INCH BACKWARDS I WAS MOVED BY RECOIL WHEN WE SLAUGHTERED THEM IN THE EMPEROR'S NAME.

>YOU HAVE SUBVERTED MY EXPECTATIONS OF YOUR MEANING IN A MOST HUMOROUS MANNER.

>>34639178
>Let me regale you my Brother, of the time a heretic, a xenos, and a Guardsman, righteous lover of our glorious Emperor, went down a slide.

Please do, Brother Graius!

>The first to attempt was the heretic, and upon sliding down he yelled 'HERESYYYYYYY', and upon reaching the bottom, he fell into a puddle of THE BLOOD OF HIS PEERS, WITH WHOM HE SOON JOINED.

>The second to traverse down the- are you alright Brother? Do you require a minute?

Kmmf- I sh-shall regain my composure -hrnk - in but a moment Brother Graius, please -kknk- continue your tale.

>Very well. So then the Xenos filth then takes to the slide, and upon the downward slope, he yells 'ALIIIEEENNNN', and upon reaching the bottom- check thyself Brother- upon reaching it, he lands in a puddle of FILTH, FOR THAT IS ALL XENOS ARE AND HE IS PURGED IN FLAME ACCORDINGLY

>The third-

NO BROTHER, CEASE! SUCH MERRIMENT MY FUSED RIBS CANNOT CONTAIN!!

>But continue I shall, Brother! For the third to go down the slide-

NO, I CANNOT LISTEN!! I FUEL SLAANESH WITH EVERY WORD YOU SPEAK!!

>-the THIRD is the Guardsman, and upon going down, he yells 'I WISH I WERE A SPACE MARIIIIINNNEEEE'

NO! NO! HE COULD NOT!!

>He could and did, Brother!! And upon- snrk- u-upon reaching the bottom, he- knnk- YOU ARE MAKING ME PREMATURELY LOSE COMPOSURE, BROTHER ANTEUS!

I CANNOT HELP IT BROTHER, THE LEVITY HAS STRIKEN ME WITH THE FORCE OF A BATTLE BARGE

>BL-HAHA-AST YOU! So- so...h-he lands, and he lands-

OH SPIRITUAL LIEGE, SAVE ME!!

>In a puddle...OF NOTHING, FOR HE CAN NEVER BE A GLORIOUS ANGEL OF DEATH LIKE WE!!

EXTERMINATUS!! EXTERMINATUS ON MY LOCATION, BEFORE I TEAR OPEN A WARP RIFT THROUGH MIRTH ALONE!!

>>34635716
Stand in the rain, get high, and listen to The Cure.

BROTHER ANTIOCHUS!

> Speak, Brother Getorix.

WHAT DID THE ASTARTES SOLDIER FEEL WHEN HE PURGED THE HERETIC, HIS FAMILY, AND ALL OF HIS FRIENDS WITH A BOLTER?

> Enlighten me, brother.

RECOIL.

> Accurate and amusing.

>>34639205
>BROTHER

YES, BROTHER

>WHAT DO THE SONS OF FERRUS MANUS SAY WHEN THEY REQUIRE AID?

WHAT, BROTHER?

>THEY ASK, "CAN YOU GIVE US A HAND?"

SWEET EMPRAH, MY SIDES APPEAR TO HAVE GONE THE WAY OF PRIMARCHS II AND XI.

>>34639235
BROTHER, I DEMAND YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COMPREHENDING A PARTICULAR INSTANCE OF MORTAL HUMOR. BRING SERFS SKILLED IN SEMANTIC ANALYSIS.

>VOX IT TO ME BROTHER. I AM SAT IN THE STRATEGIUM AS WE SPEAK

AS YOU WISH; "I CAN HAS CHEESEBURGER?". I UNDERSTAND IT NOT.

>NAY, NEITHER DO I. THE SERFS ARE BAFFLED.

NO MATTER. MY THANKS.

>>34639259
HAIL BROTHER

>HONOURED CHAPLAIN

KNOCK KNOCK

>PRAYTELL, WHO IS BEHIND THE DOOR MY LORD?

OSCA

>OSCA? OSCA WHO?

OSCA SILLY QUESTION LIKE THAT AND YOU WILL BE SEVERELY CENSURED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE

Where do you get all these?

>>34639274
Brother. Listen to this.

A lowly guardsman is receiving medical attention from one of his fellows.

"You need to stop manipulating your genitalia." says the medic.

"Why?" asks the guardsman.

The medic replies "Because I'm trying to examine you."

>>34639276
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/27112510/#p27126375
Holy balls, t

>>34635744
>>34636797

So did I.

>>34639291
**it automatically sent whilst I was typing
I was amused by the fact that the thread is but 3 days away from being one-year old

BROTHER!

>YES?

WHY DID THE SLAANESHI HERETIC CROSS THE BATTLEFIELD?

>PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME BROTHER

BECAUSE THE EMPEROR'S FINEST DEFEATED THEM AND DROVE THEM BACK

>WELL PLAYED BROTHER I SHALL MEDIATE ON THIS.

BROTHER ANTIOCHUS!

> Another amusing anecdote, Brother Getorix?

MORE ALONG THE LINES OF A QUESTION. SLAYING A HERETIC BRINGS THE EMPEROR JOY, DOES IT NOT?

> It does indeed.

THEREFORE, IT IS LOGICAL TO CONCLUDE THAT SLAYING TWO HERETICS BRINGS THE EMPEROR TWICE AS MUCH JOY, DOES IT NOT?

> That would seem to follow.

THEN I INVITE YOU, BROTHER ANTIOCHUS, TO TURN AROUND AND WITNESS THAT WE ARE ABOUT TO BRING THE EMPEROR MORE JOY THAN I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY TWO HUNDRED YEARS AS AN ASTARTES.

> My bolter and chainsword are ready.

>>34639303
BROTHER

>BROTHER

THE HERETIC MARINES OF SLAANESH ARE MOVING TOWARDS OUR POSITION

>I STAND READY TO RESIST THEIR ADVANCES.

WAS THAT A JOKE, MY BROTHER?

>IT WAS INDEED, BROTHER.

I FOUND IT AMUSING.

>AS DID I BROTHER. BUT ENOUGH OF THIS LEVITY, IT IS TIME FOR WAR.

>>34639320
Chaplain

>Brother

I have a confession to make relating to my misconduct

>Then speak it so that it may be heard and corrected

It was I who covertly tripped over one of the Terminator squad this morning for the base amusement as they resemble a tortoise trying to reattain an upright stance

>Half an hour in the pain glove.

Thank you for your leniency

>I will also be joining you as I laughed thunderously at the Terminators expense

>>34639334
>GREETINGS BROTHER, MAY I INQUIRE AS TO HOW YOU WOULD GO ABOUT KISSING ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF THE ORDER SORORITAS?
>I DO NOT KNOW BROTHER, HOW WOULD YOU ACCOMPLISH SUCH A DEED
>YOU MUST ONLY DO SO ONCE OR TWICE, BUT NEVER GET INTO THE HABIT
>MY FUSED RIB-CAGE IS ON THE VERGE OF BREAKING, BROTHER

The best thread is on /tg/ right now.

>>34639013
This hahahahah wow

BROTHER ANTIOCHUS!

> Yes, Brother Getorix?

IT SEEMS THAT THERE WAS AN INQUISITOR WHO WAS INVESTIGATING AN ODDITY WITH A DOOR. HE OPENED IT, AND THE LIGHTS CAME ON. THEN HE CLOSED IT AND THE LIGHTS TURNED OFF. ONCE AGAIN, HE OPENED THE DOOR, AND THE LIGHTS TURNED ON, AND THEN ONCE AGAIN, HE CLOSED IT AND THE LIGHTS TURNED OFF. THE INQUISITOR THEN CONTEMPLATED THIS DATA FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME, DID SOME ANALYSIS, AND CAME TO A CONCLUSION AT LAST. "IT IS A REFRIGERATOR."

> Amusing.

>>34635806
No that's heresy. They go out on dates with qt sob because power armor sex is pure and blessed by the big E

>>34639561
>Great one, what about sex?
Sex?
>Yes, do you want them to be able to reproduce?
No. But let them keep the equipment, otherwise life is just hell.
>Okay.
But remind me to make it heresy for them to fuck anyone who doesn't wear powerarmor into battle.
>But your greatness, only these marines...
DID I STUTTER?

>>34637552
and who says astartes don't have a sense of humor?

>>34635716
Feast.

BROTHER ANTIOCHUS!

> Yes, Brother Getorix?

IT SEEMS THAT ONE DAY, AN ANGRY MARINE RHINO WAS REAR-ENDED BY A SALAMANDER COMMAND VEHICLE. THE FURIOUS SPACE MARINES DRAGGED THE GUARD CAPTAIN OUT OF THE SALAMANDER AND DECLARED THEIR INTENTION TO BEAT UP THE GUARDSMAN FOR SCRATCHING THE PAINT ON THEIR HOLY VEHICLE.

> An appropriate punishment.

HOWEVER, THE GUARD CAPTAIN SHOUTED, "HOW IS THIS FAIR, EIGHT GUYS AGAINST ONE?"

> A valid response.

THE ANGRY MARINES CONFERRED FOR A MOMENT, THEN RETURNED, SAYING, "ALL RIGHT, YOU SHITCOCK! BROTHERS FURIO, MURDERFACE, ASSPUNCHER, AND CUNTRAG ARE ON YOUR SIDE!"

> The Angry Marines certainly do enjoy their fighting.

>>34639716
>CUNTRAG
I fucking lost it

>>34639716
Lurker here. Lol'd heartily at all of these

>>34639178
the best one so far

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>>34639561
>EXCUSE ME, BROTHER GALLIUS?

How may I aid you, Brother Sicarius?

>I WOULD CONFIDE IN YOU, AS WE ARE WONT IN THESE TRYING TIMES.

Be at ease, Brother. I will hear your story.

>I WAS SPEAKING TO THE CANONESS. YOU ALONE AMONG MY BROTHERS KNOW OF THE DISTRACTING THOUGHTS SHE PLACES IN MY HEAD. I HAVE NOT ALLOWED SUCH THOUGHTS TO LEAD MY HAND TO FALTER IN SLAYING XENOS, HOWEVER.

Indeed.

>OUR CONVERSATION BEGAN TO MOVE TOWARDS PERSONAL MATTERS. I SUGGESTED THAT SHE ALLOW ME TO HELP HER ADJUST THE FIT OF HER POWER ARMOR IN HER QUARTERS.

And her reply?

>SHE NOTED THAT SHE HAS A BIGGER SWORD IN HER HANDS EVERY DAY AND THAT WORKING WITH IT WAS MORE LIKELY TO MAKE HER BREAK A SWEAT THAN ANYTHING I HAD TO OFFER.

I will call the apothecary immediately to treat your burns, Brother.

The ravenwing novel shows that Dark Angels hold tournaments

>>34639875
Please god tell me somebody has been screencapping these.

BROTHER ANTIOCHUS, SAD TIDINGS. TWO IMPERIAL SUBMARINES COLLIDED AT SEA. BOTH WERE LOST WITH ALL HANDS.

> I was not aware the Imperium had a wet navy.

FOR OCEAN WORLD OPERATIONS, YES.

> Were there many casualties?

ON THE SPACE MARINE SUBMARINE, FIFTY BATTLE BROTHERS AND TWO TECHPRIESTS. ON THE IMPERIAL GUARD SUBMARINE: ONE COMMISSAR AND 3,000 OARSMEN

> Tragic.

>>34639904
There is a 1d4chan page for it.

http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Comedy_Marines

BROTHER ANTIOCHUS. IT SEEMS THAT A SPACE MARINE, AN IMPERIAL KNIGHT, AND A GUARDSMAN WERE ON MANEUVERS TOGETHER, WHEN AN ARGUMENT ERUPTED ABOUT WHICH OF THEM WERE THE MOST MIGHTY SERVANT OF THE EMPEROR.

> I see.

THE GUARDSMAN CLAIMED THAT HE WAS THE MOST MIGHTY, FOR HE COULD MARCH A DOZEN MILES IN A DAY WITH A WEAPON AND FULL RUCKSACK, AND COULD FIGHT A BATTLE AT THE END OF THE MARCH.

> The Guardsmen are known for their endurance, yes.

HOWEVER, THE IMPERIAL KNIGHT CLAIMED THAT HE WAS THE MOST MIGHTY, FOR HIS TITAN COULD SLAY MANY THOUSANDS OF THE ENEMY WITH ITS MIGHTY WEAPONRY.

> What did the Space Marine have to say?

NOTHING. FOR HE WAS TOO BUSY STIRRING THE CAMPFIRE WITH HIS PENIS.

> As one does.

>>34639970
>> As one does.
Too fucking funny.

>>34639970
>abusing any part of the body gifted to astartes by the Emperor to appease one's vanity

Confirmed for heretic

>>34635716
I think this is the cutest fucking picture ever by the way.

>>34640235
> Thinking a space marine's dick would be damaged in any way by a mere campfire.

>>34639875
>[Uncontrollable cackling]

>>34639970
>As one does

This Astartes is my spirit animal

>>34635716

Varies from chapter to chapter. Blood Angels enjoy painting and art for example.

>>34635716
That's Heresy.

>A GUARDSMAN, AN ELDAR, AND AN ORK WALK INTO AN IMPERIUM MILITARY CANTINA. THE ENCAMPMENT OFFICER SAYS "WHAT IS THIS, SOME KIND OF JOKE?"

WAS IT, BROTHER?

>INDEED.

In the case of space wolves, get shit face drunk the. fight each other, then go hunting.


then piss off Bjorn.

>>34639875

[simulated mirth]

Pretty sure Garviel Loken read books for fun.

>>34639169
Hahaha, the sheer mental image of a room full of beefy superhumans pretending not to notice the lithe (and tiny in comparison) naked girl in their midst is priceless

>>34640712
I THEN SUMMARILY EXECUTE THE ENCAMPMENT OFFICER FOR NOT EXTERMINATING THE XENOS ON SIGHT. THEN I LAUGHED, FOR HOURS.
HAIL THE IMPERIUM.

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>>34635902
>football still exists in 40k

>>34639906
>Imperial Navy needs Oarsmen

I want a regiment based ont his

>>34635716
From the look on her face I can only imagine what she's holding is a picture of a giant space marine dick.

>>34641265
Also I am not op. I beg forgiveness for this transgression

>>34642013
I assumed it was a script for her to follow because either her or her friends thought she wouldn't be able embarrass herself without it (probably by failing to say anything coherent).

>>34642013
>>34642737
nah she just asked for an autograph.

Which the Space Marine provided

>>34639904
This might end up on sup/tg/. And even if it doesn't it will sure as hell be preserved in archivefoolz.

>>34637778
my sides

Salamanders hang out with their human families &help out in the community

Blood Angels make pretty stuff (banners, paintings ect.)

Space Wolves generally dick around

>>34641339
Of course it does, it's british.

The only thing that remains is whether or not that scottish space marine chapter makes Intergalatic Haggis, as in stuff as much Enemy into a stomach and cook it to eat.

Orks are British yobs, but what about Socttish Orks that are highlander as fuck?

>>34637552
>>34637778
anon you have a gift you must make a thread and fill it with these

>>34638814
thank you based anon

>>34641339

>dat image

Always good to see another anon who bets on Duke

>>34638214

Carcharodons don't attack churches and revere places of Imperial worship. That's about all the fluff says.

>>34638340
>you don't need a religion to be religious

Yeah you kinda do. Being totally zen and living like a monk doesn't make you religious unless you actually adhere to the monk religion.

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>>34638340
>You don't need to worship the emperor to be religious.

Stopi this heresy right now

PRIEST BROTHER ASKELADD, I WISH TO TELL YOU A TALE
>Tales are for alehouses, pup. But I have some time for you
THIS IS A TALE OF HEROISM, COURAGE AND HONOR
>I'm sure it is, pup
>IT WAS ON THE DESERT WORLD OF GORAX, WITH ME AND PACK BROTHER RANULF
>I remember that battle
>INDEED. BUT THEN WE SAW ON THE HORYZON THE HORDE OF FOUL TZEENCH DAEMONS; BLAZING WITH THEiR CORRUPTED FLAMES
>A fearsome vision indeed, but noyhing the son of Russ can't handle
>MY THOUGHT EXACTLY, BROTHER BUT THEN DO YOU KNOW WHAT BROTHER RANULF SAID?
>Enlighten me
>RANULF TURNED TOWARDS ME AND SAID "I GUESS THEY ARE FLAMING HOT"
>.....You earned a brew on me pup

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BROTHER STATLER! HAVING BORN WITNESS TO THE WAY THAT THESE GUARDSMEN FIGHT, CAN YOU THINK OF A GOOD REGIMENTAL NAME FOR THEM?

> I ADMIT THAT I CAN THINK OF NONE, BROTHER WALDORF.

I CAN! I BELIEVE THAT THEY SHOULD CALL THEMSELVES THE OAK CASTLES.

> AN UNUSUALLY NOBLE AND MARTIAL NAME FOR SUCH AMATEURS.

AH, BUT GIVEN THE WAY THAT THEY COLLAPSED UNDER FIRE, I THOUGHT IT APPROPRIATE TO NAME THEM AFTER A WOODEN HOUSE!

> DOHOHOHOHOHO!

DOHOHOHO INDEED MY BROTHER!

>>34637778
MY SIDES BROTHER.

They play old videogames.
》》 dark souls

>> Brother. This game is hard.

>>34635716

Kill Xenos. Killing heretics is work but xenos is just having a good time.

>>34635716
Replicate sport with enemy body parts.


Skip rope with entrails, hula hoops with deadly weapons as to show their skill, ball relaed activitys with enemy heads, shooting challenges, and who can juggle the most Sisters of battle without letting them fall to gravity.

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/34635716/

archived

>>34652441

I don't get why people say DS is hard. It's like they've never played Monster Hunter before. Japanese import Ninja Gaiden and that one level from Ninja Turtles, now there's some bullshit.

>>34636054
Swap out soccer for hockey, and they're Space Montrealers.

>>34654325

Fuck them. They never threw their C64 across the room because of THAT FUCKING BABELFISH. did they?

>>34644349
This is now my headcanon for the Storm Wardens.

>>34655763
Wonder if anyone still sells the shirt...

bamp

Gay sex.

Okay, no one else is posting. Let's let it die.