>>33983008
I wanna blow the Emperor.

>>33983008
They did give me a laser gun.
Shame it's next to useless.

>>33983008
shagged the lord general's daughter.

next thing i remember was sitting in a shuttle with some deranged catachans...

>>33983008
they said wed get too work with Sisters of Battle.
I hate that they were right. Why!?

>>33983008
I was drunk, really frakking drunk. I passed out and woke up a week later in a Chimera during a siege.

>>33983008
I'm not one of you guys I'm just a civvie that got caught up while trying to flee

>>33983008
This entire paragraph is more gay than if the narrator was offering to suck off the other guy before they both die.

>>33983156
What if I said no homo?

>>33983008
SIR I HAVE A PLAN!
We have all this green paint and there's scrap metal everywhere.
We paint ourselves green and bolt the metal to our armor and convince the Orks that we are fellow greenskins.
Then we infiltrate their camp and blow shit up!

drafted

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>>33983265
this sounds like heresy.

>>33983336
Not if we say Not heretical when we do it.

>>33983265
HAH!
I see no catachans here

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>>33983156
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1dEPB6WtQgP

Yeah, you where right.

>>33983370
fine, but we're gonna need at least one really big guy to make the Orks think we're command level. I gotta great coat and the Commissar's spare hat, I'm gonna need to sit on somebody's shoulders.

>>33983426
Sir, I have stilts here!

>>33983082
You too?

>>33983440
okay great, there's some paint in the outsheds and the engineers have some riveting equipment lying around, if we work REALLY fast and paint ourselves green they might mistake us for some gretchin and a lost boy.

>>33983466
Seems half the regiment did it.
Smartest recruiting strategy I've ever seen.

Wanted to impress a girl. Didn't think too much about the war thing when I enlisted.

Now almost every girl I know has a metaphorical dick bigger than mine and I'm scared as fuck of them, so I just spend most of the time in the frontlines trying to not draw much attention to me.

>>33983506
I don't think the lord general even has a daughter.

has a fine ass son tho, if he were a she I'd totally tap that.

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I had a whole bunch of questions, and only the Commissariat had answers.

>>33983519
Then who did we all fuck?

>>33983530
I'm the apprentice commissar, I can't blam you but I can distribute lesser punishments, like stepping on Legos.

What's your inquiry trooper?

>>33983008
You mean I didn't have to sign up?
Well, fuck me.

>>33983545
Do you really wanna know?

>>33983545
Either the Lord General has been hiring a bunch of whores or his son is really good at crossdressing and blowjobs.

>>33983545
Oh boy...

>>33983565
B-but isnt that heresy?
But the technique sure is awesome tho

>>33983547

Well sir, remember that void station the troopship docked at a while back? Travel brochures said the place had a population of roughly a billion. But you can't grow anything on a void station, can't mine anything, and it would make an awful manufactoria given the costs for shipping stuff out there. The station was mostly for the repair of incoming vessels, but it's only cogboys who do that, and they're a tiny fraction of the population. What does everyone else there actually do?

Also, sir? What's a lego?

>>33983008
I wanted a stable job that doesn't involve much of anything. You know, an agriworld PDF, some drills, warm meals, disaster relief once in a blue moon. But my whole unit was so terrible that I couldn't underperform enough to stay planetside.

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>>33983605
Well I'm afraid I can't answer that question as I have no fucking idea what happens on those stations, best I can figure is that the cogboys have some kind of crazy bloated bureacracy or that there's a clerical error.

as for your other question? Just take off your boots and socks and step in this plastic bin.

>>33983562
>>33983565
>>33983574
You know what I ain't even mad.

>>33983008
I came for the bitches. And instead I got men.
I made a terrible, terrible mistake.

>>33983008
I'm a conscript you fuck. I didn't ask for this.

>>33983678
Well you can be the bitch instead
Oh wait...

>>33983716
shut the fuck and start painting yourself green jensen, when the orks get here I want to have have neough men to make it look like we're a splinter branch of the waaaaugh.

>>33983716
Jensen, we have talked about this. Stop bitching and help us with the paint.

To all officers and regiments that may be receiving, we're through with Imperial command! If we have to fight, we're going to do it for ourselves from now on. You want to call that defection, fine. We were dead men anyway. At least the cults promise something in return. This region is ours now. We see anyone, ANYONE, within a mile of here, we'll bury them in ordnance. Don't doubt we can, either. The regiment's "holy armour" isn't that particular about the holiness of them that drives it.

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>>33983008
I saw that one pict-recorder commercial, the one with the Space Marine that kriffs up the mutant and turns into the Cadian.

>>33983786
Who the fuck is this idiot?
HEY DUMBASS WE'RE INFILTRATING THE WAAAGH!

>>33983295
I always thought most of the folks here were drafted.

When it happened to me I thought it would be good to get out of agriculture. I also thought I'd be given a rocket launcher, since I can carry a lot. They noticed that and gave me all the ammo instead.

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>>33983737
>>33983778

If I have to.

>>33983814
hush, they're broadcasting from that bunker near Fort Perdition, let 'em draw the Ork's fire. Meanwhile we'll be halfway to the orkish camp with all the explosives we can carry.

>>33983008
Learn some fucking sentence structure and proper grammar, you illiterate failure.

>>33983869
Fuck, Larry thinks he can see words again.

Guys, now the Commissar is dead, why do we even do this? The Emperor is a corpse. Why are we working for him? The Chaos boys, now they have real leaders. Especially that Nurgle fellow. He seems pretty nice, even.

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>>33983778
====+++====Error detected====+++====

Guardsmen. I have ran twelve miles from my post and through five walls to answer the wailing Machine Spirit of the device you are operating.

Please cease loading it with fungal green paint. This is techno heresy. That unit is only for primer application purposes.

>>33983880
The Commissar did always say he seemed to have a touch of the Psyker in him.
Maybe he's being possessed?
Should we shoot him?

>>33983869
We're infiltrating the WAAAGH. Proper grammar and sentence structure will get us killed.

>>33983916
OI THINK OIZ GOT DA ORK SPEAK ROIGHT SIR!

>>33983907
Later, maybe, he keeps it up we'll have him walk the plastic mile. In the meantime disregard >>33983903 and start spraying down guardsmen, make sure you have your noses plugged and that you hold your breath, then move on and get some scrapmetal augmented kit.

>>33983903
Then how are we supposed to fool the Orks?

>>33983937
KRUMP IT YA GIT, GET IN LINE AND GIT GREEN AND ORKY!

>>33983722
M-Maybe I can be your girlfriend for tonight, guardsmen-kun~?

>>33983972
KRUMP IT AND GET IN LINE "LISA" YE GOTZ A LOT OF THE BOYS IN TRUBBA WIFF YER OLDMAN SO THE LEEST YE CAN DOZ IS PULL YER WEIGHT.

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>>33983943
Are you sure you would like to engage Enginseer Rage and Combat Protocols. press any key to continue

>>33983956

I will consult my data banks. Precursor searches indicate probability of success of wearing a bucket over head, and screaming invisibility, at 2% success rate.

>>33983008
haven't had parents since a Dark Eldar raid, fifteen years back. Signing on was my ticket off the streets, a way to live on something other than the contents of other peoples' pockets.

Now I know this looks bad, but we've been down this hole before. Somehow we've always come out the other side. Look , see? Shooting stars.

Make a wish.

>>33984018
Hey there's an Ork hitting a Leman Russ in that direction *Points towards Ork lines

>>33984041
THEY'ZE ORK ROKZ YA STUPID GIT NOW GET TA ORKIFYIN' YERSELF!

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>>33984018
hey, hey, hey, hey cogboy.

somebody shoved legos inside of the intake ports of a bunch of the chimeras and glued a plastic mustache to the omnisiah's votive statue, maybe you should do something about that.

>>33984018
You let us paint everything in green and we give you blueprints and ork weapons.
Deal?

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>>33983008
looks like you could use a some help, guardsman

>>33984099
Nah we have a plan. We're going to Infiltrate the Orks base and blow it up.
Gonna steal their booze as well.

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>>33984055
...
Fault in nonpaged area. Chkdisk initiated. Daemonware scan.
Logic fault found.
>>runtime//d:pol//sys.32
>>>delete y/n
>>>>y
System reboot engaged.

>>33984041
>>33984099
Haha! what'd I tell you guys?

>>33984123
Wait... Astartes are pretty similar to orks in terms of size, don't they? We paint them in green and the infiltration will be easier.

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>>33984123
you're sure about that, guardsman?

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So, our tankers are asking if they should paint themselves too, sir, or just Orkify their Lemans and stay inside?

>>33984171
Send in Jurgen too, for the smell.

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>>33984058
>>33984130
Roight den. You gibz me a look at dat deer paintz gubbinz and I'll make ya roight proper orky. Just gotta get me dakka fer flash I'm makin.

Who'z ready fer tinkering!?

>>33984195
they should paint the tanks red and paint themselves green, and for the love of fuck don't mix it up.

>>33984183
OY EITHER GET IN LINE FOR THE GREENY MAKING OR BUZZ OFF, WE HAZ A PLAN AND WE'RE STIKING TO IT.

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>>33984099
>>33984183
Yeah, the Orks have a secret weapon that would be catastrophic to you guys

>>33984195
Just spike the tanks up a bit.
>>33984206
You help out the tankers

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>>33984215
fine, gonna go kill ghazghkull, have fun with that plan, maybe, just maybe, you won't get blammed by the next commissar, any guardsmen that don't wanna die yet we'll take you to the next battlefield

so does anyone want to actually name this regiment and come up with stats or should we keep being whacky?

OI! WHO ARE DEEZ GITS PAINTIN DEMSELVES? WERES YOUR WARBOSS, GIT?

>>33984288
Wait, don't go. Just take this bucket and paint yourselves. The Emperor's bravest sure ain't gonna run from a bit of green paint.

>>33984306
OI I'M THE WARBOSS, KRUMP YOUR NOISEHOLE AND PIKE OFF. DEM HUMIES HIT US WITH NASTY POISON GAS THAT TOOK AWAY OUR GREEN, IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL THEY'LL TAKE AWAY YOUR ORKYNESS WITH THEIR POISON GAS TOO!

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Seriously lads, wouldn't you rather be playing with these boys and loving Grandfather Nurgle than pretending to be Orks to die for a False Emperor?

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>>33984215

>>33984302
I imagine they're a bunch of agriworlders that get by through blind luck and wishful thinking.
And half of them are there because they fell for the recruitment trap.

>>33984306
UH, E'ZE GONE TA GET IMSELF SOME SQUIG, AND ASKED UZ TA STAY ERE JUST NOW AND PAINT OUR GUBBINZ!

>>33984338
POISON? WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT MATE?

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>>33984348
well, i've got your back guardsmen, just gotta kill this pustule

>>33984357
>>33983565
>recruitment trap
>"trap"
Oh boy

>>33984376
CLEAR YOUR YOUR EARS YOUW ORTHLESS GRETCHIN!

IT'S POISON WHAT MAKES YOU LESS ORKY! GIT OUTTA HERE BEFORE YA CATCHES IT, OUR DOK IS WORKIN ON FIXIN IT BUT IT MIGHT BE CONTAGIOUS!

>>33984376
ITZ A DE-ORKIFYIN' POISON.
GIT OUT WHILE YA CAN!

>>33984123
reminds me of a greentext story I read some time ago about a guardsman bluffing his way into becoming a warboss in OW. Does anyone have it?

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>>33984348

>>33984465
Damn, you know it's heretical when the Commissar comes back to life and growls.

>>33983008
Hey, private Oppe, was it?
While the guys get back with the paint, lemme tell you about this crazy-ass governor back home. Yeah, him. That bastard with the 200 daughters? Everyone has their own ways of blowing off steam, y'know, but back on our planet it was pretty wide-known that that cranky bastard had the easiest daughter in the Empire. Everywhere I went, it always "oh, she'll sleep with any guy, long as you do it in the keep" and I figured, shit, what's the worst that can happen? Turns out, that "daughter" of his was one of 200 paid whores used to blackmail guys into service. Half the frakkin regiment fucked their way into this mess, and now we're painting ourselves green.

>>33984496
its creepin me out, lets throw a tarp over him or sumthin.

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>>33984465
>>33984382

Come now, don't be like that. You know Grandfather loves you, all you have to do is accept his gifts.

I'd rather this not have to get violent.

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>>33984055
Consecration of Diabolus Pixeligon initiated.

Expect results in 5 to 10 working millennias.

>>33984496
Wait... if the Commissar is alive, won't he execute us? You know, 'cause the green paint

>>33984404
LESS ORKY? DOES IT MAKE YOU SMALL?
WHY ARE YOU LOT SO SMALL N HUMIE LOOKIN?

>>33984517
Wait we paint him yellow and convince the Orks he's some flash gubbinz!

>>33984540
CUZ POISON MAKE YOU LESS ORKY, NUTHIN IS LESS ORKY THEN A HUMIE

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>>33984522
and you need to leave, heretic

>>33984538
Nah it's just his hatred of Chaos

>>33984540
AYE IT DOEZ YA GIT NOW GIT OUT OF ERE BEFORE IT GETZ YA

>>33984540
WE TOLD YA YOU GIT, ITS POISON THAT MAKES YOU LESS ORKY, WE GITZ DA DOK WORKIN ON IT.

Tell the Captain that the we'll join Nurgle if those smelly assholes make a diversion on the east side of the camp. If we're gonna do this, we might as well backstab the heretics after we set off the bomb.

ALROIGHT LADZ OW' DO WE DISTRACT THE ORKZ WHILE OUR GUYZ PLANT THE BOMBS?
I 'ERE THEY LIKEZ TA ROCK AND I GOTZ SOME OLD GUITARS AND A DRUM KIT ERE.

>>33984595
NO NEED TO SHOUT, YA GIT, I WAS JUST ASKIN! DONT MAKE ME KRUMP YOU LOT!

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>>33984654
*BLAM!!!!!* looks like the commissar can still blam us

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We're waiting for your orders Comissar!
Come in Comiss***BZZZZT*** Come in!

>>33984705
He's dead, pretend to be Orks and infiltrate them.

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Fuck you guys, the Tau are enlisting right over the next hill.
See ya later, fuckers!

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>>33984705
Hold the line, lads.
I'm going to check out that one high class brothel in town, I heard it had uh, cultists of some kind.

>>33984727
Enjoy you're blue sausage xenos fucker.

>>33984727
aren't the wolves here still?

>>33984727
Joke's on you! Tau aren't painting themselves!

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>>33984727
Yes, human. Join us, for the greater goods.

>>33984757
Dammit sir why are you in town?
It's like 50 kilometers away, and evacuated.

>>33984757
uh commissar, that was burned down with the fire

>>33984790
Full of cultists, I tell you. Barely escaped the place myself. Glad I set it on fire though, you wouldn't believe what I've seen in.

>>33984183
Why do you have sleds, Lord Astartes?

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>>33984757
Meanwhile, at the Brothel...

>>33984818

Is this what you see?>>33984837

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>>33984705
>He's dead***BZZZT*** Orks ***BZZZT***infiltrate ***BZZT***
Alright lads Comissar's dead and the Orks are there.

At my command....

FIRE

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"2nd platoon is pre-- Err, OI! SECOND ORKZ REDY FO DA PLAN, BOSS!"

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>>33984832
because matt ward decided to screw with us

>>33984852
OI! I HERZ SUMPTIN UP DER....
Artillery! Squad broken ! GET DOWN!

>>33984857
Good
ALROIGHT BOYZ LETZ MOVE OUT!

THE GITZ WITH THE INSTRUMENTS ARE TO DISTRACTE THE ORKS BY ROCKING WILE WE BLOW EM UP, YA GOT IT?

>>33984857
ROIGHT. I WANT YOU LOT TO RUN IN AND KRUMP DOZE HUMIES.

>>33984893
Lord Astartes, why do you ride your dog? I thought only backwater agri-worlders did that.

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>>33983008
I'm here because I was born first.

>>33984918
But this isn't a Vastroyan regiment?
The nearest Vastroyan's are 5 sectors away fighting Eldar

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>>33984940
>greenskins
>Eldar

You seem to be confused, as to who is d a meanest and da greenest, friend.

>>33984757
Excuse me, Commissar? Why does your jacket have all that gold on it? Doesn't it weigh you down a bunch in combat and make you an easier target?

ARE WE MOVIN' OUT OR WOT?

>>33984940
One of the Earthshakers is being manned by the Death Korps for some reason.

>>33984914
and smart guardsmen know not to ask questions, quit talking to the ones that'll actually put up a fight to greenskins

>>33984900
GOTT IT, BOSS.
YOU WITH THE BIG SHOOTA, GRAB THE BOMBZ N' STAY HUSH, LEAVE THE TALK TO THE BOSSES, DEY BETTER AT ORKISH THAN US

>>33984995
WICH ONE?

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The Orks are challenging us sir!

I don't know if we can do this, how can mere men best such sick solo's?

>>33985045
Go get some explosives and use them as fireworks.

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OI BOSS WOTS DAT IN DA SKY?

>>33985045
well, let's just hope noise marines don't decide to pop our eardrums

>>33985085
BLOOD RAVENZ HIDE YER GUBBINZ

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"Stay at the back of the formation, lads. Any of the greenskins hitch a ride, let them, but by the Emperor, don't let them climb in."

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>>33985127
NOW, KILL THE ORKS; CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!

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>>33985152
Humans, we have witnessed your cunning, and we wish for you to join us.
You will be treated better than in your guard, with ample food.

>>33985152
No, you fuckers, those are with us.

>>33985152
ALRIGHT BOYZ, LET THE SPAIZ MAREINS DISTRACT 'EM WHOILE WE HEAD IN WITH THE BOMBZ! YOU BOYZ STAY AT THE FRONT AND WACK EACHOTHER LOIKE PROPPAH GRETCHINS TIL WE GET THERE.

FOR THE EMPEROR!

>What made you enlist

Imperial law, and the enforcers thereof. I was pulled out of my last year of scholam and driven to a parade ground where somebody on a platform read an edict into a vox that nobody really understood. I was afraid we were all about to be stubbered to death for some kind of heresy, even though I couldn't think of any I had committed. Then marched us onto trucks and then onto what didn't know was a dropship until it was headed for orbit. A guy I knew complained, and someone in a big hat shot him in the face, and then nobody complained anymore.

>why did you get yourself dragged across the galaxy?

Nobody has told us anything yet, we're all still crammed on the troop transport and have been for a couple of months. All they've done is shave our heads, inject us with about a dozen inoculations against disease that made us all sick for half this voyage, dress us in ill-fitting uniform, and yell at us. Dear Emperor, the yelling.

Apparently I did well enough in scholam that I have been assigned to operate a missile launcher as part of a heavy weapons team. Mostly because I can read, I guess, because they gave me a drawing of two men using a missile launcher. No missile launcher and no other explanation except the words "Point this end at the enemy" and "Backblast area: do not stand here". And then they told us to practice this or they would shoot us in the face and give the piece of paper to the next smartest pair on their list. Practice what, you might ask? All day we stand in the position indicated by the picture and pretend we're holding the objects in the picture. Then we take turns repeating "Point this end at the enemy" and "backblast area: do not stand here". Every once in a while I trade position with my partner.

The Drill Abbot yelled at us that we were doing a good job, then told us to do it faster.

I can't wait to get to whatever war we're going to be fighting, just to get off this ship and stop getting yelled at by him.

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Guys, shhh! Let's see what theese mon-keigh do next...

OY, WHOS DEEZ BOYZ?! WHYD'YA GOT THEM TANKS? WHY YUZ SO SMALL?

>>33985282
HUMIE POISON MATE, IT MAKE YA LESS ORKY

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Hello boys, I've been assigned here as your new commissar.

Now, who's in need of some mmmm....punishment?

>>33985300
WOT!? YUZ SICK? GETZ TO THE DOK, THEY NEXT TO THE BOSS' TENT, DUNT TOUCH NOTHIN TIL YOU GET THERE!

>>33984580
>Suffering the heretic to live
Ya dun goof'd Astartes

>>33985332
KEEP PRESSURE ON THAT WALL, FOR RUSS, FOR THE WOLFTIME!!!!!
>>33985347
there are orks and the nurgle plague will be eradicated by the other half of the strikeforce that's en route

>>33985317
Guys!Guys!
Another commisar just appear out of nowhere!
Come to think of it, she look like the Lord General daughter

>>33985377
The trap? The she ain't a she.

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>>33985377
keep with the plan guardsman, you might just make it out alive!

>>33983008
It has come to my divided attention that you are guilty that you are acting and uttering utterings in a manner not in concordance with Imperial dogma. It is highly recommended you cease this line of action and talk, and resume action in a manner respectable for an officer of His Imperial Majesty's armed forces.

OY, YOUR SKINS' FLAYING... 'ANG ON A TICK, YOU AINT NO ORK! NONNA YUZ BOYZ AINT BOYZ AT ALL! SHOOT THESE HUMIES, SHOOT 'EM!

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>>33985432
JUMP THE WALL!!! TAKE THE ORKS LIVES

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>>33985432
>STOMP

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>>33985377
>>33985385
Wait, did "she" look like this photo? 'cause if I remember she was really into dress-up. Though mainly wanted me in the clothes, for some reason.

>>33985432
WOT ARE YOU ON ABOUT, YA GIT?
DONT MAKE ME KRUMP YOU LOT.

>>33985368
But you're basically giving the foul warp-spawn a chance to escape! I'm a lowly guardsman, and I seem to have a better idea of my duty than one of the Emperor's chosen, apparently.

>>33985432
NO! U AINT DA ORKZ YA GIT!
BOYZ! GIT DIZ GROT STOMPED!
WAAAAAARG!

suddenly, this blares from the vox:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDEfSKHHIxc

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Who here is kneeling to the alien? Who here needs a bolt in the skull?

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>>33985480
>Though mainly wanted me in the clothes, for some reason.
Understandable.

>>33985470
OI, KILL DA SPESS MEREN, I WANT ME SOME OF DAT FUR

>>33985520
Sauce?

>>33985480
W-why do you have that photo?
Dont tell me you are drunk when you met her because she have this "girl" with her and we...
Oh Emperor....

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>>33985498
GUARDSMAN! POINT THAT FLASHLIGHT OVER AT THE ORKS, WE DON'T HAVE TIME!
besides bjorn's taking out the nurgle infestation over there

>>33985503
FUUUUUUUUUU

>>33985507
Emperor's luck, inquisitor! Some foul Eldar crossdresser is trying to rally the 2nd platoon, the Space Wolves are shooting apart the camp, the Greenskins blew our cover, and I'm pretty sure our Captains were arguing with agents of Chaos momemnts before we marched off!

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>>33985552
I think I was, though I think she might have put something in the bacon and eggs she cooked for me. And you know, after a few years on Guard rations you kinda scarf a decent meal down so...oh shit. Someone tell me what happened?

>>33985535
Senpai's and My Manga Club Activity Record from Cross-dressing Boys Anthology collection

http://www.mangatank.com/manga/cross-dressing-boys-anthology-comic/cyuuki+sakuya/3-1

>>33985507
INQUISITIOR, IS THE OTHER LEGION ON IT'S WAY?!

>>33985503
>>33985597
Suddenly numerous drop pods crashed into the ground around the Orks, as the drop pods open light filled the base and Partridges swarmed out of the drop pods.

>>33985503
"S-sir, space marine drops from above!"

"About damned time! More Space Wolves, I presume?"

"Er--"

"ALL GLORY TO THE GALACTIC PARTRIDGES!"

>>33985680
hey look GIFTS!

Blood Ravens swarm the partridges

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>>33985692
ERR IS RIGHT, WHAT IN THE EMPEROR'S NAME IS GOING ON!!!!

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>>33985630
... Excuse me while I rev up the battleship.

>>33985649
You best not know it.Oh emperor, my head hurts and i need a drink.
Wait, is that... the Partridges?

>>33985718
I don't know! I can't see through all these birds!

Meanwhile, the Emperor smiles as four chapters of space marines assist a legion of painted guardsmen as they annihilate the Ork stronghold, casting a glance at Khorne as the Bloodgod pays up.

"Next time." The hateful God swears before averting his gaze from the clusterfuck of a planet.

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>>33985740
Screw this. All I wanted was some mon-keigh pretty boy ass and now these glory-stealing pricks turn up. Be right back fellas.

>>33983008
You got a choice? The Imperium came to my planet and took me and the rest. We bled them for it, though. Fuck, I'm gonna die anyway, so I don't care if you guys know that I started my 'service' killing Imperials.

>>33985796
Ding-dong, the witch has fled...

>>33985820
Which old witch?

>>33985796
XENOS WITCH, GET BACK HERE!!!!!

>>33985845
You know.....Eldars

>>33985805
good news; the Astartes are already here
Bad news; they just heard you

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>>33985846
>>33985820
Don't just stand there, help me shank a bird boy! Fuckin' birds..

[after the flock of birds disperse, and the sound of violence comes to an end]

Rejoice, young and impresssionable brothers and guardsmen, we have killed all of the orks in the base. here take these t-shirts and autographs.

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>>33985805
BLAM!!!!!!

>supposed to say #1 Chapter. forgot about trips

>>33985942
Oh!oh!
Sign my flak-jacket and my lasrifles please

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>>33985942
well, time to kill all the nurgle on this planet and gangrape lileth

>>33985975
Here you go, guardsmen.

Would you like an autograph too, young fenrisian pups?

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>>33986023
Can it wait? I'm still playing with this little toy.

>>33986056
we gotta get back to our original deployment mission, we were sent to exterminate this planet of the nurgle influence; bit of a plus that you got here when you did, you want lelith or just here to sign some autographs?

>>33983545
oh god. I'm not sure what is worse- the fact that the lord general's son is a fucking trap, or that we fucked him..her..

oh the heresy..

>>33985908
>>33985956
*gasp* What do you care, you're not even human...*death sounds*

>>33986103
do not worry, young and impressionable pup lord. We have also destroyed the nurglesque threat while you were wasting your time here. you are welcome. you have my thanks for providing this small assistance in our mission to destroy the ork and nurgle threats.

When suddenly a large number of these ships appear in the sky.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNc242mbiUs

Attention. All remaining regiments and chapters on the planet. You have three minutes while we charge the Holy Exterminatus weapons. Any left at the end of that time will be caught in His Wrath.

>>33986255
By the Emperor, who contacted Ordo Malleus?
We already have this planet. Vox the inquisitor!

>>33986255
And then a nid fleet arrives.

>>33986255
I blame the lord generals slaanesh worshipping daughterson!!!!

When all of a sudden these ship appear overhead.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNc242mbiUs

"Attention. To all remaining Regiments and Chapters upon the planet. You have five minutes while we ready His Holy Cyclonic Torpedo. Any left upon the world at the end of that time will be caught within His Wrath.

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>>33984041
>>33986097
It's YOU!
Eat this!

>>33986255
>>33986353
OH COME ON!
TWO FLEETS?

I think I saw a working Ork ship.
Let's take it off this shit hole

>>33986385
I believe "working Ork ship" is an oxymoron sir

>>33986385
Time to join bludflags crew!

>>33986255
Oh fuck me.
TO THE HAMMERHEADS.
Anyone wishing to join us get on.

>>33986427
I think I worked out the controls, EVERYONE GET IN HERE!

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>>33986353
READY THE GUNS, FIRE AT THE INQUISITORS!!!

Rolled 5, 17 = 22

>>33986495
Rolling for take off and warp passage

>>33983008
I found a pre history technology called "VCR" called "big booty bitches #34" and as a reward the tchpriest found me a place in the IG

>>33986495
ERE WE GO!!

>>33986808
RIDING THRO DA COZMOS!

ACTIN LOIKE AN ORK AS CHANGED ME OI TINK!

And so the Guardsmen's gambit paid off and they escaped on an Ork ship.
The clusterfuck of a planet was destroyed and they vowed never to fall for recruitment traps again.

The next month they found themselves waking up in a bunker being besieged by the Tau after all getting drunk in a bar on a pleasure world, and so the cycle continued.............

>>33986864
*clap clap clap*
And what of the others, storyteller?

>>33986880
They are background characters in the glorious story of our regiment

Archived this cluster fuck

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I am here for blood and skulls.

>>33986978
To late bro everything's gone.

>>33986880
I don't know. I just tossed in the Exterminatus fleets for shits and giggles

>>33986880
They all went home and had milk and cookies, the end.

>>33987020
What happened?

>>33987090
SHIT. WAS. FUCKED.

That is all that can be explained.

>>33987118
Everything was fine

BUT NOBODY EXPECT THE INQUISITION

>>33987152
Or traps.
Fucking Traps.........

>>33987152
Well... We should have expected them

See >>33985733

>>33986880
As for the others...
The escaping Tau went on to make their first contact with the hrud. Their dimplomatic efforts failed, as said tau died of premature aging.

The Space Wolves found the subsector to be rejoicing at the news of the Galactic Partridge's victorious capaign against the orks, and so left to go and fight a hrud migration.

THE GALACTIC PARTRIDGES followed the space wolves, and proceeded to appear at the last second to make the killing blow and take all the credit. Again.

Lileth went back to Commoragh, and fought in an extremely lewd bloody combat, and then sold out tickets as a gladiator. (a normal day)

>>33987334
And the blood ravens?

>>33987440
They stole the glory from the Galactic Partridges. Because glory is the only thing the Partridges have.

>>33987467
How dare you accuse them of theft! Blood Ravens don't steal. Of course, in the Bluhd Reven's next campaign, the force commander was said to be using a bolter gifted to him by Harry Partridge.

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>>33983790
You should have rolled into battle with a sword, would have fucking rocked

So, let me get this straight.

A group of guardsmen disguise themselves as ork, were almost all tricked into service by a girlyboy who may be an eldar, got assistance from a bunch of spess marines, then fled an exterminatus in an ork ship and have started to believe themselves to be orks.

I love this thread.

>>33989799
No we were tricked into service by sleeping with a trap.

>>33989843
same difference.

>>33989799
Never change /tg/

>>33989799
Pretty much, and they may or may not have an Orkish dok doing his best to make them orky.

>>33989799
And then they got drunk and re-inlisted again.
Because war, war never changes.

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...I was drafted. I didn't get a choice, you cunt.

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>>33983512
>Now almost every girl I know has a metaphorical dick bigger than mine
>Implying that is a bad thing.

>>33983716
Fuck you Jensen, I wish I had bitching metal arms.

>>33983512
>metaphorical

Only in your regiments. Turns out the Inquisition's standards for abhumans have let in some groups that share traits with Slaanesh's blessed. Turns out that you don't need to be tainted by chaos for those sort of changes to become commonplace on your planet.

On the bright side, it means the the "recruitment" rate is going up.

>>33985179
Can I get metal arms?

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>>33983008

...

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>>33991993

>>33983008

Why d'you think I'm here, buddy? Ain't much you can do about it once they catch your bloody arse trying to steal some food, y'know?

They beat me good, made me spill the beans on where the rest of my gang was holed up, killed almost all my friends and sent the rest to boot camp. And frankly? My life's never been better: Warm meals, a proper bed and you don't have to be afraid somebody'll cut your throat for your shoes or is gonna drag you off so they can perform some weird occult ritual on you.

The Emperor was kind enough to protect my life up to this point so I at least could enjoy some years of it, I always expected I'd be a red smear on the ground a long time ago in a battle that didn't even look this grim.

But here I am. Got this here Las-Rifle fully charged and my bayonet fixed and even though I know I'm not gonna make much of a diff'rence, I'm not gonna go without a fight lemme tell you! I have a debt to pay to the Emperor and so does the whole pathetic lot of you! So get ready and shoot some greenskins.

>>33992132
This fag is pretending he didn't fall for the recruitment trap.

>>33983008
My homeworld was attacked by dark elder. Barely anyone survived and wasn't captured.

This was just before the tithe was due for collection, thus, I was one of the unlucky majority that was signed up so the planetary governor would keep his post.

>>33993368
What is with /tg/ and coming up with weird guard regiments?

>>33993902
Derailment.

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>>33984219
Quickly brothers! Deploy the defensive line!

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>>33993902
>Questioning this greatness.

>>33994029
Only trying to understand it.

So how would I go about getting a job as a recruitment trap?

>>33994439
You don't go about shit. Rumor is that the governor used to work for an inquisitor, some say he still does or is the inquisitor himself. The point is that he plays by Inquisition rules, the quite ones you don't hear about not the burn and purge ones that just get everyone involved killed. Subtle as shit and completely unrefusable.

Shave more often kid, and eat what your ration cards tell you to eat.

>>33983008
Song related
http://youtu.be/mo3cd1Rjsz4

Years ago I was PDF on tenera. After the waaaagh destroyed everything we got folded into the guard just like the rest of the survivors.

>>33983008
I was tithed.

>>33994439
You don't. A guy I served with applied and got sent to an Ogryn colony as his first assignment.

>>33983008
Some carnies swept into town and had a raffle.

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>>33983008
What do you think!?
Can we get a cap of this thread

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>>33983659
Not grim-dark enough.

>>34005509
The legos are hardly even a threat.

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Say you fellas wouldn't have a Scottish accent and a penchant for tattoos?