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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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Kay, so I began a storytime yesterday about our groups epic quest to be as annoyingly edgy as possible. Anywho, I'm going to repost the old stuff for the benefit of anyone who wasn't in that thread, and then I'll start storytiming new shit.
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A wagon coach is lumbering through a snowy forest road, burdened with a bunch of random assholes. There's an elderly, balding priest, a 14 year old kid with black hair, a sword, and a look in his eyes that says "My family got raped to death by bears," a little girl with an overly ornate dress, blond hair, and a book made out of someone's face, a ill-described mother and child, and a even less described cart driver.
"Hi," says the little girl, apparently unaware that everyone has already read the other players' backstories. "My name's Rosie and I'm eight years old. Grandpa asked me to fetch some stuff for him. He's too old to do it himself. What's your names?"
The boy looks up at her, saying "Sean. What is it you need to fetch him?"
"Some magic stuff. He's very ill, and it might help him get better,"
The old priest smiles, saying "It's good to see the young helping their elders. You'll make a good wife some day, almost as good as the Wife herself. However, I recommend discretion. The people of Virgin Springs are superstitious folk, and with the burning of a church, who knows what might happen."
"My daddy told me the exact same thing," says Rosie, still smiling. "He tried to take my books away, so I had to stop him. Now Daddy doesn't talk anymore. Besides, the church doesn't matter. Grandpa says religion is for those who wish to be slaves."
Sean looks up at the elderly priest, saying "Someone burned down the church of one of you people? Why? Isn't your order a bunch of harmless old farts?"
"It's a shocking truth," said the priest. "The Husbands have very few enemies, so it may very well have been an accident. However, it is my duty to investigate."
"Does it matter if it was an accident or not?" said Sean, a grim look in his eyes. "Things get worse. That's the way of life. The best we can do is draw things out for a while before death."
"Don't say that!" Rosie shouted, hugging a small teddy bear. "You'll upset Mister Tibbers."
"Don't tell me how to talk," said Sean, glaring at Rosie with murder in his eyes. "And put away that fucking bear before I cut his head off. I don't like bears."
"Don't hurt Mister Tibbers!" said Rosie, on the verge of tears. "He's my bestest friend."
"The only friend a man needs is his sword," said Sean.
"I'm a girl," said Rosie. "Besides, swords are dangerous. You could hurt someone with that!"
"That's the point," said Sean. "To live is to hurt, either yourself or those around you. Otherwise you'll end up like that old coot with his imaginary wife."
"The great Wife is very real," said the priest, "and her love has blessed me in ways of healing the sick and mending wounds. Thousands would be dead without her love."
The coachdriver turned around, glaring at his passengers.
"Do you want me to turn this wagon around? 'Cuz I'll do it too, you little shits."
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Suddenly, like a fish from the water, a wolf leaps out from the woods, gracefully arcing over the priest, grabbing the baby within its maw, the mother screaming as her child is ripped from her breast as the wolf lands on the other side. A great howl came from the woods as three other wolves rushed out and began chasing after the wagon.
"Sorry," said Sean as he shoved the mother out of the cart and into the pack, causing one to break off from the pack to devour her.
"What is wrong with you?" shouted the priest as he began putting an absurdly large number of rings on his right hand. This proved fortunate, as when one of the wolves jumped on the cart he punched it in the snout, the rings acting as an improvised knuckleduster. The wolf fell off, vanishing with a yelp beneath the wagon's wheels.
The two remaining wolves jump into the cart, one heading for Rosie, the other heading for Sean.
"Grandfather!" shouts Rosie as the wolf removes a large chunk of her flesh. "Help me! It hurts!" She made a feeble swat at it with her staff (did I forget to mention? She has an overly ornate wizard staff), stunning it long enough for the priest to shove it off the wagon.
Sean looks back at the mother's carcass in the distance, looks at the coach driver, sighs, and then cuts his wolf in half.
Is anyone here? I'll stop if no-one's interested.
I'm here OP i'd like to see where this goes
Yay! Now I have a reason to live!
Suddenly, a wolf jumps out from the woods, clamping onto the neck of the horse drawing the carriage. Both horse and wolf disappear under the wheels as the carriage flips over.
The wagon's crash injures everyone. Rosie gets hit in the face with a disembodied hoof, the priest gets smashed across the back with a wheel, Sean hits his head on the ground, and the coachdriver is impaled on a bit of broken wood.
"God damn it!" shouts Sean, getting up and looking for his sword. "You're lucky the crash killed you old man, or I'd kill you myself. Shit, you can't even drive a fucking wagon without crashing it."
"Those were my favorite organs," says Rosie, deciding to sit on the ground and cry instead of getting up.
"Worry not," says the priest, getting up and touching the gaping hole left where the wolf ripped out a large chunk of Rosie's arm. Miraculously, the wound stitches itself closed. "I am happy you are safe child. Unlike that fiend who threw a Mother, a Wife, to the wolves."
"Since her kid was dead by that point, she wasn't a mother anymore," said Sean. "Also, fuck you. Anyway, now what?"
"We must continue on foot," says the priest. "Wife protect us. There might be greater dangers on the way. Also, Wife says fuck you too."
"What's a fuck?" asks Rosie.
The priest ponders Rosie's question for a bit. "Well," he says, "When a husband and a Wife love each other very much... You know how you put on a ring? The husband puts on the Wife like a ring. Repeatedly."
"That sounds unhygienic," says Rosie.
"Can you two stop talking?" asks Sean. "Every word you speak is like a dagger through my brain. Come on, we need to get moving."
"Can I have a piggyback ride?" asks Rosie, looking up at Sean.
"Do you mind being thrown to the wolves should the need arise?"
"You're worse at piggyback rides than grandpa," says Rosie, looking up at Sean. "I tried to climb on his back once, but I just fell through."
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"You're worse at piggyback rides than grandpa," says Rosie, looking up at Sean. "I tried to climb on his back once, but I just fell through."
"That's nice," says Sean. "Old man! How far to the village?"
"I'm afraid I don't know," said the priest. "However, the driver said we would be there before nightfall."
"Just because the cart could make it there doesn't mean we can on foot," responds Sean. "Anyone got food? I think I could slice a bit off the wolf."
"I brought fifty days worth of trail mix, just in case," says Rosie. "Will that be enough?"
"Now I can give you that piggyback ride," responds Sean. "Come over here, new best friend."
The party treks for about an hour before they spot a gruesome sight. On a huge willow tree hangs the naked bodies of three girls, beaten black and blue before their execution.
"Don't look Mister Tibbers," shouts Rosie as she covers her teddy bear's eyes.
"How could this have happened?" says the old priest. "They are simple folk, with simple superstitions, but I never thought they would kill anyone. And these... they don't look like criminals hanged for murder."
"Don't criminal's usually have pants?" asks Rosie, her eyes starting to glow red. "And besides-"
"Ah," says Rosie in a raspy, hellish voice. "Reminds me of my glory days. Not sure who did this, but I like their work."
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After a few ours of walking, the party manages to reach a small village consisting mostly of thatched cottages, although a few wooden buildings dotted it here and there.
"Grandfather says I need to be in bed by six," says Rosie, yawning loudly. "Can we go find an inn or something?"
"Depends," says Sean. "Does anyone have enough money to get us a room for the night?"
"I have minimal funds for lodging," says the priest. "Let us find an inn. I will need the sunlight to investigate the church properly."
The party searched the town, eventually finding a dilapidated inn. Inside, there was a bar kept by a woman of moderate size who appeared to be in her forties, and two inbred looking men sitting there drinking.
"Hello," says the woman. "Welcome to The Virgin's Bed. How can I help you?"
"What's a virgin?" asks Rosie.
"Someone like the old man, and unlike his wife," responds Sean. The two patrons turn, looking at Sean suspiciously.
"Come on gramps," says Sean in a voice more fitting his fourteen years. "Pay up. We need to go to bed soon, and I'm really tired."
"Very well," growls the Priest, clearly aggravated over the insults towards his imaginary waifu. "How much for lodgings?"
"Two silver," says the woman. "Each."
"Very well," says the priest, handing over the cash. "Now then, I suggest we retire."
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"Not now," says Sean. "I'm hungry. Hey, lady, this place does serve food, right? What's for dinner?"
"Trail mix!" says Rosie, pulling from her pocket far more peanuts and raisins than the laws of physics would permit.
"Shuddup," says the woman offhandedly. "We're serving stew. The pay is included in the fee for your room."
"Great," says Sean. "What's in it?"
There was an awkward pause.
"It's stew," says the woman. "It contains stew.
"Good enough," says Sean. "Three bowls please."
The woman brings out three bowls of what appears to be tepid dishwater mixed with the contents of an abattoir's u-bend.
The priest grabs his bowl first, and Sean grabs the other two. In between bites of trail mix, Rosie looks up at Sean, saying "Grandfather says you're going to get double poisoned. I hope you're happy."
"Don't be silly," says Sean. "Poison is like negative numbers: double poison negates itself."
After eating, they all retire to their rooms. Exactly as Sean is about to fall asleep, Rosie appears in his room saying "Sean, I'm scared. Can I sleep in your room?"
"I hate you so much," says Sean. Suddenly, a bottle flies through the room's window and shatters on the floor. A thick red liquid stains both the floorboards, and the rolled up parchment that was in the bottle. Sean picks it up and unrolls it using Rosie's sheets.
Three words are written on the paper in some black ink that smells of brimstone: "LEAVE OR BURN."
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"Disappointing," says Rosie, her eyes starting to glow blood red. "It's not even written in a language that was old when the stars were new. Who let this idiot write scrolls?"
"Girl, holy shit," says Sean, backing away. "They just threw us a blood-soaked scroll that smells of brimstone, how are you still the creepiest thing in the room?"
"Not girl," says Rosie. "The bits are made out of ectoplasm, but they're still there."
"Do I want to know what that means?" asks Sean.
"No, you don't," responds Rosie, grabbing the scroll, pulling out her tobacco pouch, and rolling herself up a cigar. Once the fire catches, it smells of burning blood and sulfur.
"Ah," said Rosie. "I needed that. It's been centuries since I got a proper smoke."
Then, her eyes return to their normal color.
"Wait," says Rosie. "Why do my lungs hurt?"
Sean looks out the window, presumably trying to see if he can find any footprints.
"Fire!" shouts Rosie, throwing the still burning cigar out the window. "Someone help!"
"What happened?" asks the Priest, walking into the room. "I heard a noise."
"A glass came through the window and then there was a fire and now my lungs hurt!" says Rosie in a panicked tone. "Also, there was a note that says we'd burn if we didn't leave town. That happened too."
"Would you people shut the fuck up?" shouts Sean. "I'm trying to investigate here."
"That's odd," says Sean. "The grass outside hasn't been disturbed at all. I think we just got visited by a ghost or some dumb shit like that."
"Is there dew on the grass?" asks Rosie. "It could have been that Jesus guy, I hear he can walk on water."
"That's just dumb," says Sean, knotting Rosie's sheets into a rope.
"What if it was a really tiny ghost," says Rosie, "with like, really tiny footprints? We should look closer."
"If it was tiny, it wouldn't need to be a ghost," says Sean as he ties the makeshift rope to the bed. "Besides, that's what I'm going to do."

Sean throws the makeshift rope out of the window and slides down. Kneeling, he looks around, before accidentally touching the wrong patch of grass. There's the smell of burnt flesh as Sean jerks his hand back.
"I love the smell of demonic intrusion," says Rosie, her eyes glowing a deep crimson. "That nice mix brimstone and tortured souls."
"Girl," says Sean, "I swear to every god in the sky, if you don't stop it..."
"This is not the Wife's work," says the Priest. "There is Evil at work here."
"Well yes," says Rosie. "I don't think your whore counts as a demon."
"I don't see anyone," says Sean. "Perhaps whoever did this went into the forest surrounding the town?"
"While I will admit dryads are hot," responds Rosie, "they're not associated with extreme temperatures, so we can at least rule out one culprit."
"Girl, throw me your tinderbox, then pack you're shit," says Sean. "We're leaving, and I have a forest to burn."
"No," says Rosie, her eyes glowing bright enough that they illuminate more than the full moon overhead. "We must stay until the Book of Inverted Darkness is found. We can not risk destroying it via fire."
"For fuck's sake girl, stop being a whiny little bitch and throw me that fucking tinderbox," says Sean. "No-one threatens me and gets away with it."
"No," says Rosie. "Or, as Rosie would put it,"
Rosie blows a raspberry.
"Great," says Sean as he begins to climb back up the rope. "Next plan then: figure out how that cucklefuck knew where to find us?"
"Isn't it obvious?" says Rosie. "The entire town is in on it. Is this village twinned with Innsmouth by any chance?"
"Could have been the same figure we saw on the road," says the Priest.
"We should question the innkeeper," says Sean as he climbs back through the window. "Do you think she sleeps here?"
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"I still feel a bit conflicted about this," says the priest as the party gathered outside the Innkeeper's room.
"Stop your whining Slave," says Rosie. "The entire town's in on it. I've run enough of these things to know how they work. Boy, can you pick a lock?"
"No, but I can do this," says Sean as he kicks down the door.
"Whore, who did you tell of our lodgings?" asks Rosie, her eyes illuminating the innkeeper in bed with the two guests from earlier.
"What's going on?" screams the innkeeper as she grabs a sheet to cover herself.
"Start talking or you're dead," says Sean, charging in and holding his sword to the innkeeper's throat. "Who did you tell we were here?"
"Okay," says the innkeeper as she starts to hyperventilate. "Times are tough. For a bit extra, I reward my customers."
"Not that," says Rosie, her voice loud and rasping. "We know you're working with the cult. Tell us everything you know and we might let you live."
"What cult?" says the innkeeper. "Do you mean the witches? They were hanged!"
"Tell us of these witches."
"We had them hanged last week!" says the innkeeper. "They used their evil magic to give the mayor's wife a miscarriage."
"Stop wasting our time," shouts Sean. "Did you sell us out?"
"No!" says the innkeeper. "I was here with these two all night, I swear!"
The two customers nod, presumably collaborating with her story.
"Judging by the amount of stains on that sheet, it is likely she is telling the truth," says Rosie. This is a nightmare, pay it no thought. Now then, SLEEP."
The innkeeper and her two customers fall asleep under Rosie's magic.
"Well," says Sean, "we're fucked. The town's probably going to lynch us in the morning."
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"May I make a suggestion?" asks the priest.
"You may, slave," says Rosie. "Make it quick."
"Lay the door down between the threshold and the bed," says the priest, "take their clothing and drape them over the door. It will look like they did this in a fit of passion."
"No, I've got a better idea," says Sean as he slits the innkeeper's throat. "Now we loot the room and burn the inn down."
>And that's everything I had prewritten, so there'll be a longer gap between posts now.
damn that's detailed o.O so I take it Rosie is possessed by a demon of some sort, and the priest and swordsmen are her slaves/drones?
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Nah. It's the ghost of her Grandfather. He just happens to have been a necromancer and generally terrible person. Sean and the Priest (his name is George but I didn't care enough to establish that) are just dudes she met.
Also, thanks for the complement. We played via skype, so I'm working off the transcript.
Fairly soon the Inn was in flames.
"Wait," says Sean. "Our stuff's still on the second floor."
"No!" shouted Rosie, rushing to the staircase as her eyes return to normal. "Don't worry Mr.Tibbers, I'll save you!"
"Dammit," swears Sean as he and the Priest follow Rosie up the stairs.
"Okay," said Sean once they reach the upper floor and grabbed their stuff. "Now we just take the rope out of the window and start screaming about fire."
"I'm good with that," said Rosie, grabbing the rope and sliding down. "OH MY GOD THERE'S A FIRE SOMEONE HELP."
Soon a bucket chain formed to put out the inn, but it was no use. The building was going down. An fat man who was watching the bucket chain waddled up to the party, shouting "What happened! Who are you!"
"Oh gods," said Sean, beginning to cry crocodile tears, "It was terrible!"
"My name is Rosie and I'm five and there was a fire and now my teddy has ash on him," said Rosie, also beginning with the crying.
"We were sleeping," continued Sean, "and then there was smoke everywhere, and we climbed down the window, and everything was on fire!"
The man looks terrified, shaking even as he shouts orders to the villagers. He's probably the mayor.
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A blonde woman with ample "tracts of land" runs up to the mayor, her dress billowing as she asks "Honey, what's wrong! Why is the inn on fire? Are the witches back?"
"That can't be!" says the mayor. "We hanged them. They were supposed to be dead and gone!"
"Witches?" said Sean, pretending to be shocked. "What witches? Why did nobody tell us? Oh, grandpa, why did we even come here?"
The priest looks fairly unhappy that he is now included in Sean's lie, but he stays quiet about it.
"This was supposed to be a family vacation!" wailed Rosie. "Grandpa, you bring us to the worst places."
"Sis, don't blame grandpa," says Sean. "His job is very important. He's a great holy man."
"Indeed," says the priest. "Sir Mayor. I am Husband George Martinus. Could this be related to the church burning? Did the witches burn the church?"
>brb, making lunch.
Okay, I was just about to go do that myself XD
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Mkay, I'm back now.
The wife looks on the inn in terror as the mayor holds her and replies "Yes. My wife was in the church when it happened. If she hadn't survived, we never would have caught them. Husband Martinus, we thought it was over. They will go after you like they went after Husband Snape."
"Very terrible," says Sean. "I can see why someone of Grandpa's caliber was called here."
"Sir mayor," says the priest. "I came here to bring peace. If they did burn down the church, we will have them punished both for the death of a Husband and the destruction of Her property."
The mayor simply sighs and says "I am sorry Husband, but I don't have guards or any such means of helping you. However, once the fire is out I can get a mob going."
"Yay!" shouts Rosie. "Lynch mobs are fun. Who are we supposed to be lynching again?"
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"Let us go to the church," says the Priest. "There will be answers there."
The three walk away from the inn as the fires grow ever higher, turning the night sky to the color of blood. After climbing a small hill, they find the burned remains of the church of the Wife.
The roof is gone, and the walls are now but a few wooden pillars, but some of the pews are still intact, although a few were moved to make room for a makeshift grave. On top of that, there was a fountain located where the altar would be in a catholic church. Although open to the elements the fountain is pure and clean, sparkling in the moonlight.
"Ah," says the Priest, pulling out his waterskin and bottling a small amount, "the Wife's blessing is still here. Even after the fires of hell scorched her, she still gifts us holy water."
"Do you know how expensive this stuff is?" says Sean. "Girl, fill everything you have with this water. Everything."
"Sorry," responds Rosie. "Grandfather says I'm already pushing it by being on holy ground."
"For fucks sake girl, think of the money!" says Sean. "This is valuable!"
"Think of me catching on fire!" responds Rosie. "Not worth it."
"Says you."
The priest ignores their bickering, looking around the area. "I can feel it," he says. "Evil was here."
"Let's check out the grave," said Sean. "And by grave, I mean the body. We need to check to see if it's got the same runes carved on it as the bodies outside town."
"How?" asks Rosie. "Does anyone have a shovel?"
"Nope," says Sean. "Old man, you've got hands, don't you? Start digging."
yes... yess make the old man dig
The priest starts digging, first slowly, then more and more frantically. Eventually, he just stops.
"Is something wrong?" asks Sean.
"There's no body," says the priest. "They buried his pillow of the wife, but his body isn't with it. There's a few bits of black fabric, but nothing else."
"Look," says Sean, pointing at a trail of dirt leading to the nearby forest. "The priest must have climbed out of his hole. Maybe the Wife wasn't as cute as he thought she'd be."
"We are all the same in death," says Rosie, here eyes glowing, illuminating the ruins. "This was magic at work. Sloppy job too."
"His body was defiled," says the priest, walking off into the woods. "Follow me."
follow him what the hell have you got to lose?
Sean has a razor-sharp edge game.
It is a long and confusing trek through the woods. After getting lost three times, the party eventually finds themselves back on the trail. There is ominous chanting off in the distance.
"Wait," says Rosie, her eyes returning to normal. "I'm out of spells. Can we leave and come back in the morning?"
"They could be doing Wife knows what with his body," says the priest. "We must stop them."
"Probably necromancy," responds Rosie. "That's what you usually do with a body."
"That or sex," says Sean. "Probably both in this case."
"Quiet," says the Priest. "We must take them by surprise.
In a clearing ahead, there is a large flat stone with the priest's body laid out upon it. A book that appears to have been bound in human skin lies on the priest's chest. Eight women are dancing around the stone in the nude while holding up candles and chanting. A cloaked figure is beside the stone, candle in one hand and dagger in the other.
"That doesn't look very safe," says Rosie. "What if they step on briers, or a hedgehog?"
"Never mind that," says Sean. "We attack on three. One, two-"
"Too late," said Rosie, pulling out her sling and chucking a rock at the woman in the cloak.
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Shit, forgot pic.
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Yeah, he outedged me by a long shot. I thought referring to priests as slaves would be edgy enough, but apparently not.
The figure in the cloak ignores the rock and begins chanting, while the other witches turn and face the party. Sean charges at her, but she plunges her dagger into the priest's head right before she is tackled. Her cloak is pulled away by the impact, revealing the Mayor's wife, as naked as the other witches but covered head to toe in scars. Sean stabs her in the arm, the witch waves her hand and a magical force knocks him to the ground. Sean responds by getting up and cutting off her head with a snicker-snack.
"Anyone else?" shouts Sean.
The witches run.
While Sean gave chase to the witches, Rosie's eyes began to glow red as she started to walk towards the corpse of the Mayor's wife.
"Dammit boy," she said as she grabbed the knife from the priest's corpse. "Why did you have to kill her?"
"She was evil," said the Priest. "Why are you complaining?"
"I gave her mother that spell," said Rosie. "I told her it would summon a demon, but neglected to mention the demon wouldn't appear until she died. Now quick, we've got to destroy her body before the demon can enter our world!"
Just as Rosie raised the dagger over the witch's corpse, a gigantic red arm ending in vicious talons burst from her abdomen, impaling Rosie. As the red in her eyes faded, Rosie simply said "I feel so cold," before the arm shook her off and she fell to the ground.
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"Dammit," shouted the priest, reaching for the dagger only for the demon to bat it away. "Sean, a little help here!"
Sean turned from the witch he was dismembering to see another demonic arm emerge, as well as the demon's head (a strange thing akin to a snake combined with an octopus) as the beast tried to pull itself into the mortal realm.
With a valiant battle cry of "FUCK YOU!" Sean jumped at the demon, cleaving its head in twain. The demon's body quickly turned to ash.
"Rise, my child," said the priest, putting a hand on the hole in Rosie's chest, which magically began to seal.
"You're not my daddy," said Rosie when her eyes opened. "Don't be silly."
"I must go to bury the Husband," said the Priest, grabbing the body of his fallen comrade. "I will follow you after."
"Hey," said Rosie as the tome balanced on the dead Husband's chest fell off. "It's the Book of Inverted Darkness! That's what grandfather wanted me to fetch."
"That's nice," said Sean. "Now what?"
"I vote for never coming back to this town," said Rosie. "You with me?"
"Sure," said Sean. "I have to go north. People to find, places to kill. Or something like that."
"Sounds like fun," said Rosie. "Let's go."
>What do you think?
It was great. I'm archiving this shit.
Nice! I kinda wish that Rosie had some sort of regenerative power considering she's being possessed by a powerful necromancer I mean after all he wouldn't want the body he's inhabiting to die right?
Speaking as Rosie's player, I wish she had that too.
It would make my life so much easier.
Thread archived.
Oh, here's my character sheet if anyone's interested.
Huh, looks like I forgot to change my level to two.

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