>>33463193
Are we doin this again? Are we having another cooking thread?

Cuz I am all for that.

>>33463193
MORTAL COOOOOOOOOK-OOOOOOFF!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egne2ZCMM_0

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>>33463193
Fool! You lack skill nor taste to face the ultimate in culinary science! Alchemical Gastronomy!

>>33463193
tfw my current dnd party named ourselves the 'Battle Chefs' after our tendency to cook and eat whatever we kill

>>33463193
>Hah! Perhaps you thought these knives were for show? I have prepared foods like you wouldn't believe - omelettes from the eggs of ancient wyrms which slumber atop mountains high, sashimi of krakens and leviathans that roam the depths of the oceans! I have prepared feasts fit for kings with the finest ingredients in the land, and yet also with the very scroungings off a forest floor. With my own two hands, I raised myself from starvation to cook and dine alongside the finest chefs in the realm! Do not belittle me with your petty mockery, sir - let our cuisines do the talking! If it is a cook-off you wish, then a cook-off you will receive!

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You think your culinary skills can possibly compare to my confections!?

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You feel you are able to compete against me and my army of Sweet Genius?

He really does remind me of a bond villain in Season 1

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>>33463243
No, your damn alchemical food will not stand against true cooking! Now suffer against the techniques of a thousand schools of culinary art, passed down over generations, leading to me!

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>>33463193
obligatory

>>33463267
At first I thought the point was going to be about how dumb it is to optimize a character for cooking in a combat RPG, then it got weird.

>>33463391
He's such a dick.

>>33463614
I give him a break, he was hired to act like a pretentious prick, and he did. I've seen him on other shows, he's not nearly that bad.

>>33463638
Well, that was the first time I saw him. Didn't think they actually required him to be a little shit. In which case, fuck those guys, whoever they are.

>>33463416
A thousand, even a million, techniques will avail you not if you cannot grasp the basics, worm. Behold my Druidic Ring of Raw Cuisine.

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>>33463659
Eat and remember your place in the circle of life!
Forgot pic

>>33463676
The one on the upper left is cooked, not raw.

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>players challenged by the wild Fae to a cook-off
>only the cook-off involves you hunting a beast with your bare hands
>no, you don't kill it and then prepare it
>you eat it alive then and there as it struggles to murder you
>whoever eats alive the nastiest son of a bitch beast wins
>other hunters count as fair game

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>>33463676
>>33463659
Heh, so thats the route you're going to take.

I won't let you win, with this, IM GOING TO SHAKE EVERYTHING OFF!

Witness, in this pot, holds my dreams, my passion, my fierce, burning strength. Take this! MY ROARING SOUL GUMBO!

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>>33463832
...holy fuck that looks so good right now. You have no idea how angry I am that nothing is open except a shitty convenience store.

Truly, the real Cuisine Souls starts here.

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>>33463874
Now you see why my cuisine reins supreme! It teases at the stomach of those that view it, the smell of spices, sausage, chicken, vegetables all tantalizing the nose, causing hunger to roar out. This is the true power of cuisine, the power of hunger!

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>>33463931
Yo I'm just a sidewatcher. We're the ones who really win, you know. Half the time we just set this shit up and egg you foodies and chefs on so we reap the whirlwind. Of pancakes. And pasta. And steaks.

I do make a decent bowl of carbonara, though. Still perfecting the recipe.

Real chefs don't use magically produced ingredients.

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>>33463972
This guy knows whats what, keep your filthy magic away from my kitchen

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>dryad watches you eating a salad

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>>33464054
>Pour a dressing over a dryad's body

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>>33464068
>s l o w l y opening a plus-size bag of croutons while staring at her, unblinking

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>>33464095
>You like this, don't you, you filthy little shrub...

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>fucked up hardcore pornography for dryads is watching eat-healthy cooking shows that feature a ton of salads and vegetables

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>>33464144
> tfw no one will ever eat your leafy greens

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God damn this thread is giving me wood.

>>33464144
>Date a Dryad
>Shes a real nice gal, shy, quiet, likes to read, and gets really flustered when I do anything romantic in public
>However she has a really weird fetish
>She goes crazy whenever I do any cooking involving vegetables, or if I eat any, it's so weird. She zones out and stares, slack jawed, breathing heavily whenever I'm cutting tomatoes or celery. Her knees gave out last night when I was mincing onions. It gets really bad in public when she looks like shes about to leap across the table when I jab my fork into a pile of lettuce after drowning it in dressing
>She never explains why she acts like that, but I get sex, so I don't complain
>Though because of it I've been spending a lot of money on fresh produce lately.

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>>33464136
>walk home
>look at her as you hold a grocery bag
>pull this out and slam it on the counter
>tell her "Dinner is in 10 minutes."
>walk out of the room

>>33464252
>At the store
>One of the stock boys accidentally knocks over a shelf of dressing and vinaigrette and it all spills on her
>Have to rush her out to the car before she becomes the center of a very possible gangbang in the middle of the store

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I cook with digital precision.

Fun fact: thanks to their extremely high Intelligence stat (and often enough, intelligence-enhancing implants), tech-priests are pretty much the best at all trade skills, including cooking.

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>God dammit Jessica, we need to focus on gathering the 7 legendary ingredients to defeat the Pie Lich
>Do you GOTTA get Maple all worked up by chewing on broccoli all the time?
>DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T NOTICE HER SHIVERING AND DROOLING DAMN IT
>JESSICA
>JESSICA YOU PUT THAT CARROT DOWN RIGHT NOW
>SHE'LL HEAR IT CLEAR ACROSS THE CAMP YO-
>oh hell I heard the gasp from here you sick bitch why did I ever agree to adventure with you

It's like I'm in /vg/'s /tg/.

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FOOLISH MORTALS

BEHOLD THE DARKNESS THAT WILL END YOU THE MOMENT YOU HEAR THE *POP* OF THE TAB BEING PEELED BACK

THERE IS NO FUTURE

>>33464356
why

when did spreading things on bread become too inconvenient

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>>33464356
Where did I go wrong...

>>33464344
>Doran, don't you FUCKING dare put lettuce on that bacon sandwich
>No you are NOT trying to eat healthier you stupid pig, I know exactly
>Doran
>Doran don't you fucking do it
>You know how Maple acts when you mix meat and vegetables
>IT TOOK ME A WEEK TO GET ALL THE SYRUP OFF MY GEAR

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>>33464367
>>33464367
THIS IS THE FUTURE YOU CHOSE, GASTROMANCERS

THIS IS THE FATE YOU ALLOWED TO COME WITH YOUR SLOTH

NOW EAT OF THIS NIGHT GIVEN FORM, AND LET THE SWEET STING OF SALT INFEST YOUR BLOOD AND RUINOUS INTENSTINES

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>>33464391
>In a world of fantasy, magic, and divine cuisine
>The canning corporation is the true evil

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>>33464390
>Welcome to Culiquest
>Where a bunch of assholes bully and harass a tweaked-out dryad in their quest to defeat the Dark Masters of the Hellstove
>This is their storJESSICA STOP RUBBING PANCAKES ON MAPLE'S FACE I DON'T CARE HOW HONEY-LIKE HER TEARS ARE, FUCK

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>guys I think we're in the Far Realm again

>>33464390
>Afterwards Maple cannot look at pigs without getting weak in the knees

>>33464421
I lost it at dirt rockets.

>>33464421
This thing shouldn't be this funny, I don't even know what's funny about it.

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>>33464429
>*SHROINK* thank you adventure mens and not-mens, 4 save the orc camps frum mekdunnulds and fry liches
>is gud we not become pork dinnerz
>but
>am uncomforts
>vegetable not-man keep is ask 'you make open-face sandwich wit me'
>she say bed am bread but not make sense

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>>33464421
>Party goes to "British-expy land"
>Horrified at the food

>>33464470
>Adventurers, I cannot thank you enough for all you have done for me, my kingdom is saved thanks to you
>However...
>Could you do something about your..um...Dryad companion?
>She has broken into the larder and was discovered...um...laying with the meats

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>>33464471

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>>33463193
>>You adventurers thought you were strong enough, with all your fancy spells and weapons, but heres where your plans have failed. The only way to undo the curse that covers this land...IS TO DEFEAT ME IN A COOKING BATTLE

Challenge accepted.

>>33464471
>>33464494
faggot is afraid of fish or something? that pie looks delicious.

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>>33464489
>This is your fault, Jessica. You know what happens to people who class only in Butcher? ESPECIALLY dryads, notorious for being carnivores??
>No you stupid gravy-slut, the same thing that happens to EVERYONE who classes only in Butcher; they go beefserk! Their lust for flesh finds no end as they seek greater and greater haunches to flay and grill!
>You cram that pickle back where it belongs and go encourage her to start cross-classing in Smokehouse Lord right the fuck now before we all wake up being force-fed finger sandwiches.

Pretty sure she'd become accustomed to the stimulus if you tease her too much.

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>>33464007
>>33463972
you people and your boaring ass food. whats the point of cooking if you trap yourself into dead ends like "perfection" or "only the finest ingredients,"

Todays delicacies where last weeks trash.

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>>33464512

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>>33464534
Dryads are fucking weird, man.

>>33464534
Nah man, if shes a cute, sheltered Dryad, it would take a long time till she becomes accustomed to the stimulus, at which point, they just progress farther, until they turn her into a vegie-slut. Duh

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>>33464471
>>33464512

Stargazy pie! I live where that comes from.

It's just a fish pie made with whole fish.

Only the tourists eat it.

>>33464526
>Chill out Lora, she's not going crazy
>She's just humping raw meat
>What could possibly go wrong

>>33464250
>>33464252
...well, now I know what to request in the next weekend smut thread.

It's like you can't spend ten minutes on this board without getting another fetish.

>>33464526
Do brewers go beerserk?

>>33464581
Is it called Stargazy pie because the fish heads are staring into the stars, or because after eating it, you just stare off into the sky, contemplating what you just put into your body.

>>33464594
No, they just go wine-ld

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>>33464585

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>>33464588
Welcome to /tg/, a breeding ground for fetishes

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>>33464494
WELCOME YOU ADVENTURERS FROM FAR LAND, COME SIT SIT, EAT AND ENJOY!

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>So you must face the trials of our people, that you may know the Suffering of Food in its most pure and ritual form.
>Now.
>Open the jar.

>>33464624
smells like sulfur, tastes like phlegm.

... Better than dwarf cuisine.

>>33464641
Oh god, it's staring at me.

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>>33464641
To master food you must conquer it in all it's forms

Now go, find these jewels of foul, and gather them!

>>33464653
Oh god I didn't even notice the eyes

Oh god, someone call a Kitchen Paladin!

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>>33464675
>durian dryad
>the most obscene dryad

>>33464693
>most obscene
If you've got a smell fetish, maybe.

>>33464703
>>33464693
>Durian Dryad
>Shes a slob

Or perhaps you mean a dryad who gets off on the smell of durian

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I posted a recipe for alcoholic mudder's milk a while back that some anon said he saved and would try

did anyone ever make that?

>>33464596
>>33464581
man what is so fucking crazy about eating whole fish? lots of food have bones in them, just don't eat them.

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>>33464728
No I mean a dryad who comes from a durian tree

But, well,

At least she isn't a lemon dryad

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>>33464693
>Carolina Reaper dryad
>Shes a red-head spit fire who will leave your bed room a fucking mess and your bed destroyed after a single night
>You never know if it was worth it or not

>>33464745
>Tidepoolers
That actually sounds like a cool name for a 'not a lobster' lobster monster

>Clever Dawgs
oh my god

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>>33464745
>shhhhhhh! it's CHICKEN WHISPERS

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>>33464745
>JESSICA THAT IS THE LAST FUCKING TIME WE DRINK 'FOREST JUICE' DO YOU HEAR ME

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>>33464421
There are a bunch of these.

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>>33464615

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>>33463193
> "You've made a grave error, heretic whelp - you may have defeated Warp-tainted abhumans, xenos and primitives, but now you face the wrath of an Inquisitor of the Holy Ordos..."
> "And your broth is shit. Or piss. I honestly can't tell which."

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>>33464790
>look a few posts up
>this one was already posted
Well I feel dumb.

>>33464776
>Aw come oooon, you know it was funny
>MAPLE WAS BEING GANGRAPED BY BEE MONSTERS
>They were trying to pollinate her, Lora, dont BEE so overdramatic

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>>33464745
>>33464790
Extremely situational, but still hilarious reaction images

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>>33464832

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18+

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>>33464815
>Honestly our quest to take down Baron McFry left me unable to enjoy the woods anymore after Maple giggled during tree pollen season and chirped out "TREE BUKKAKEEE!"
>I'm considering dropping Server for one of the alcohol classes but God save me it's ALL MADE FROM PLANTS...

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>>33464421
>>33464745
>>33464790
>>33464812
>>33464841
>>33464848
Who thought this was a good idea when they made those sales papers?
They're a gold mine sure, but that extreme advertisement for groceries.

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>>33464848
>Hey Doran, this drink is really good, what is it?
>Oh it's just juice, I had a recipe I wanted to try but never got the berries it requires
>Really? How did you get them then? We havn't been to a town that has any, and I don't know of any forest berries that taste like this
>Got em from Maple

>>33464873
Probably some small town shit, either with illiterates out the wazoo, foreigners still unfamiliar with English, or just dumb country folk.

>>33464880
Meant for
>>33464852

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C-can I surrender?

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>>33464848
>Vinegar Husbands
Oh lord

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>>33464898
MAPLE HAS GONE BEEFSERK

THERE IS NO HOPE

THE VEGAN VIZIER WILL FALL, BUT AT WHAT COST

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>>33464873
I wish I knew.

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>>33464922
>WE ARE NEVER GOING BACK TO THE FAR REALM FARMER'S MARKET, I DON'T *CARE* IF APPLE HIMMLERS ARE THAT CHEAP THEY WERE VERY MUCH A PROBLEM

>>33464873
I always assumed they were some form of absurdist humor.

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>>33464938
What about apples?

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>>33464939

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>>33464957

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>>33464949
>white pips
>nature's mistakes

>>33464949
>>33464922
>>33464903
>>33464848
>>33464812
>>33464790
>>33464745
So these show up near towns, as part of a sign of open gate to the far realms?

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>>33464982

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>>33464982
This is why you don't drink the Forest Juice. Leave it at that.

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>>33464982
>What sort of nightmare have we stepped into...

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I submit to you, child of /ck/ and /tg/.... the snack monsters. Use in your next D&D session at your own risk

>>33464986
I feel the madness overtaking me, and it feels like unsalted Peach Travis.

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>>33465005
>maple baby it's ok we're gonna get through this it's ok to cry and puke i'm not gonna leave you here WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH THIS HONEYPIE THEY'RE COUNTIN' ON US

>>33464982
I think they are advertising the nightmarish things that lurk within the culinary lands of the far realm

>WIZARD, WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS THAT MONSTROSITY!?
>It...Its....Pork Rembrandts!

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>>33465076

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>>33465088
>MAPLE NOOOOOOOOOOO DON'T WALK INTO THE DEEP FRYER, IT WASN'T MADE FOR YOOOOOOOOOOOU!

>>33465105
>A Dryad who gets turned on by vegetables being cut, cooked and eaten, dressing and oil poured on vegetables or her, and all sorts of other similar related things
>Now also shes' culinary suicidal
Well

Yep

Theres a fetish

You do all know this is just Toriko, right?

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And this is why you don't shop, cook, or do any-fucking-thing culinary in the Far Realm.

For with strange aeons, even death may fry.

>>33465136
If the food is that horrifying, imagine the chefs of the Far Realm

>>33465179
theres a reason why ithillid food is considered unedible...

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It started as cooking. It ended with horror, gastrosexual psychosis, new fetishes, an angry group of troubled women roaming the fantasy hellscape to fight its dark food forces, and myriad ideas for culinary classes.

And they haven't even met their BBEG yet.

>>33464989
WOW
CHICKEN CAPTCHAS

...
MOOOOOT

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>>33465076

The snakes look good, actually.

To make this more /tg/, does anyone have, say, any recipes for grilling, baking, frying, stewing, etc. mythological creatures?

>inb4 that picture of "unicorn meat"

I mean there have to be people out there who have compiled recipes using ingredients not actually found IRL. For instance, Grox Burgers if you go the 40k route.
I'm talking Chimera Stew, Drake Steak, Basilisk Brisk, Fried Aboleth Sticks.

Things like that.

>>33465214
Well think about it. In a world of culinary arts, where food reins supreme, what would be the worst crimes of all?
>Stealing food
>Wasting food
>Insulting food

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>>33465251
Wasting. Especially if it's well-crafted food.

>>33463769
Is this real?

Because if not I want to make it but instead of trying to promote PETA make it more Saxton Hale.

>>33465250
>Take minotaur steaks, rub down with a mixture of spices of your choice, then smoke for several hours, wood chips from a World Tree are ideal for making the most exquisite of smoky taste

>>33465251
Stealing someone else's recipe/dish

Rolled 42

>>33463193
fun fact, our oracle gets over +20 on cook checks

>>33465267
It's real, and funny as hell.

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>>33465251
We already saw. It's making food into an empty, caloric, cheap spectacle. Fast food. Junk food. Canned sandwiches. Vending machines. Soulless takeout. Corporate meals. Giant bland genetically-overenhanced garbage. Sugars and salts, sugars and salts.

Junk food liches! Deep fried skeletons! Orcs being slaughtered by insane elves for their monstrously successful fast food chains! Wordlwide obesity and the death of the palette from sugarburn! Candymancers! Hellgrills! Rare species slaughtered wholesale for cheap get-thin-quick diets! Diet fads! Alchemical scams! Magic-made mass food! The murder of old culinary masters and the burning of cookbooks!

All the pleasure and hard work of food both simple and grand... gone.

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>>33465267
It's real, and hilarious. Would make for an adorable minor 'villain' turned ally. I want Murder Momma.

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>>33463193
bork bork bork bork bork

>>33465272
I dunno, stealing recipes ensures that culinary knowledge cannot be hoarded, and it's spread, I don't think it would be as unforgivable as stealing someones food

>>33465294
I wouldn't call deep frying evil, it's more like...necromancy. It's a form of culinary art that has been given a bad image due to it's close relationship with the fouler elements of cooking.

>>33465325
There's likely a massive industry for specialized Rogues who do such. Snag the recs, get paid, duck out for a fine night on the town at the local $1,000-a-plate-100-years-Elvish-master place so you can woo that wicked dryad chica who serves there.

BUT THE FLIRTING STOPS QUICK WHEN MASTER MARJORAM AND THE SVELTE CINNATWINS KICK DOWN THE DOOR AND FIND YOU

god they smell like a warm cinnamon dream even when they're hosing you down with boiling coffee rays

>>33465346
Well like necromancy, there's obviously Responsible Good Frying, and then Cheap Dark Corners-Cut Chaos Frying.

>>33465347
Or a Robin Hood of recipes, steals the most tightly guarded recipes to spread to the land. LET ALL FOOD BE UNGUARDED!

>>33465352
Exactly so, it's something that has and can be corrupted into something terribly evil, which is what the hollow food industry has done, while true chefs carry the torch for pure frying.

>>33465268
>Take whole aboleth.
>Clean and scale the meat completely, being sure to remove all mucous.
>slice meat into 2x2x10 strips
>Extract the brain and mash it into paste.
>Mix brain paste with herbs and spices as desired, but most importantly, add a pint of Dwarven Lager and blend well. This should give it a much smoother consistency.
>Baste the strips of aboleth in this mixture and fry them in peanut oil for 4 minutes.
>Enjoy. The dark whisperings of evil should stop after one hour of consuming this delicacy. Be sure to consult your doctor before eating fried aboleth.

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>>33465251
Obviously one of the highest crimes in the land

Fuck you, /tg/.
Now i'm hungry and somewhat aroused.
But mostly hungry.

>>33464641
Oh god that is amazing. Fuck i love cooking threads

>>33465370
>ultimate cooking
>you don't want the dragon for his hoard
>you want him for the eggs, and him too if he's old enough and has eaten enough previous chefs for that incredible unique flavor
>haven't LIVED unless you've had red dragon pepper steak
>Plus yeah it gives you fire immunity but that's just a sidegrade to the flavors and sense of peace from eating a superapex predator

>>33465386
I gladly eat the raw horseradish over choking down that shit. No amount of delicious cheap grape wine or burning bitter herbs can wash it down fast enough. My cousin LIKES the shit. I mock her for it every chance I get.

>>33465005
>Oh, looks like some yummy calamari with som-
>Filename
>BLERGH

>>33465390
>Although the younger a dragon is, the more tender the meat...

>>33465390
>his
>eggs

>>33465370
>Peanut oil
>Not Bloodthorn Vine oil
Pleb

>>33465409
Dragons, like dryads, are fucking weird.

And tasty.

>>33465405
SHHHHHHH. Dragonveal has been banned in like 800 kingdoms. Just... keep it on the downlow, ok? I know this one place. Gonna run you a golden fucking ticket to get in, though.

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>>33465402
There is a hell in food.

>>33465418
Oh well exCUUUUUUSE me, Mr. 7-Star restaurant.

I ust thought that getting a fucking aboleth was a sufficiently difficult task, but noooooo, you have to go all fancy pants on me.

>>33465432
If you do not go all the way with your cooking, then do not cook at all! True chefs will scour the land, battling monsters and natural obstacles that many adventurers DREAD to meet, on an everyday basis! You should not hold a skillet with such half hearted determination!

>>33465319
that's not even how Swedish Chef talks

I wonder. Even if not a culicampaign, if you kept rewarding the PCs with access to and a free lavish dinner at various super exclusive upscale restaurants, after like most major quests... I wonder if they'd roleplay and fight all the more seriously and viciously.

>>33465423
You're just making me think about futa dragons.

I hope you're happy.

>>33465423
That's fine. I've got a hankerin' for some Steamed Beholder Eyestalks. Just cut them into little slices, bundle them up into, well, buns, and steam them using pure holy water for 15 minutes.
Be sure to get an actual Cleric of Pelor to bless the water. Clerics of Heironeous just... don't do it the same.

>>33465464
If they are any good at RPing. If not, you could always cater to their statboners and over time add to their stats since their diets are becoming healthier

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>>33465486
Dragons often can change into whatever the fuck they WANT. Just don't think about it too hard, or think about the fact that half the women in the party probably got knocked up after they slayed the red dragon that was bothering the silver dragon, and then the kegger, and WOW she cooked good, and... we'll blame too much beer on that sickness in the morning. Yeah.

Point is, the bitch made the best goddamn chili you will ever eat. Golds get all the press, but silvers know where to stick that spatula.

>>33465500
Oh, I'd include stat bonuses anyways, like 20% off your next stat-up, or a rank in cold resist since you had some ice salt from the Arctic Death Zone, or a slow form of regeneration from eating that amazing Solar Salad or what have you.

>>33465538
>Party goes to learn culinary techniques from a silver dragon
>He agrees to teach them in exchange for boning all the ladies in the party

>>33465568
What a great deal!

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>>33464624
Your Lutefish is weak, Behold, the face of evil!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5O804KUgjfc

>>33465538
The temptation to fap is getting strong...
>>33465568
>just the ladies
Shit taste.

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>>33465568
>he

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>>33465583
I'm imagining there is some pantheon of the most evil foods/ingredients in the world.

>>33465575
>>33465586
>>33465589
What he doesn't tell you is his food changes men into women.

>>33465586
>the party has nothing BUT ladies though
>JESSICA SHUT YOUR BUTTER-LAPPING MOUTH I DON'T CARE IF DORAN IDENTIFIES AS A MALE, THERE I SAID IT, THE POINT IS WE'RE ALL FUCKING PREGNANT WITH DRAGON AND EATING FOR TWO NOW

>>33463193
So how about we talk some mechanics for the cooking game?

I was thinking of basing it on d20. since killing animals and adventuring for ingredients is a theme i was thinking of keeping the combat and classes as normal.

i just wanted to give players a number of extra skill points per level with the rule that they have to be used on cooking related skills.

knowledge nature can help you identify animals and plants that can be used for cooking.
knowledge geography can help you know where in the world you can find specific ingredients
profession chef lets you recall recipes

new skills:
knife skills: lets you cut fast and precise. the faster and thinner you need to cut the higher the check
pots and pan skills: want to do the perfect flip when flipping pancakes? need to keep rotating the food in the wok to give it the perfect amount of heat without burning it? need to make sure nothing sticks on the pan? this is your skill.
add more skills based on general techniques as needed.

new use for CMB: want to do fancy tricks while cooking like those japanese chefs? use CMB for that. If you beat the enemy CMD they are sufficiently impressed and it will affect their cooking. without the new feat "improved showmanship" you take -4 on this roll. if you fail to beat their CMD by more than 5 you mess up doing the trick and take -2 on the check related to what you are doing. if you fail by 10 or more you mess up so badly that you must do that step in the cooking process from scratch.

>>33465605
>just women
Still too vanilla for my tastes.
>>33465611
The guild of raising Adventurer bastard spawn receives a new shipment of half-dragons, putting their tally above bard spawn for the month. This wins the newest recruit and the cleaning staff the betting pool.

>>33465583
I don't get it. Why are the people in the video opening it like it's a barrel of toxic waste?

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>>33465605
>that Princess she captured...
>well she used to be Chef Lord Ariharlan, king of the flayblade and fish-fry supreme
>look the point is the fae are sticking their dicks into the wrong crockpot, again, and we gotta put the kibosh on it
>No he actually wants to stay a Princess, we're just gonna seal away the recipe
>NO WE'RE NOT GONNA MONETIZE IT THAT BREAKS THE CULINARY CODE AND BAM, YOUR GARDEN NUN WILL FALL LIKE A BAG OF FAST FOOD THROW-OUTS
>GOD DAMN MY 'SERVER LYFE' CLASS POWER, THIS SHIT IS TOO MUCH

>>33465611
This party sure gets into wacky experiences, Doran the brewer, Lora the party pooper, Jessica the party animal and Maple the depraved dryad

>>33465628
It has an unholy aura that causes aoe damage to all exposed to it.

>>33465623
As for cooking itself i was thinking of making it step based like following a recipe.

The more steps the bigger the chance of fucking something up so steps are kinda like CR.

in the end you assign a value to the meal based on a combination of things:

each succesful step adds +1 to the value.
if you do something particularly fancy during that step your GM may increase the bonus to +2 or +3. maybe higher, that is up to him.
each failed step deducts 2 points from the value.
if your opponent has a specific criteria of success and you beat him in that area add 4 to the value of the meal.
in special cases (like the bakers dozen) you may not be able to beat him at all if you fail to beat his special criteria.
Opponents may choose to limit your dish to a certain number of steps. you can choose to ignore it, but it is dishonorable and not befitting of an adamantium chef

>>33465636
The five great forbidden recipes, sealed away so that their terrible power cannot be abused!
>Gender Flip au Gratin
>Death Whisper Flambe
>Soul Rot Risotto
>Garlic Roasted Chaos
>The Hellwich

>>33463243
Are those baked potatoes inside a big chocolate sweet ? This sounds terrible.

>>33465698
I think it might be cookies or something.

>>33465692
>it's actually just Four Forbidden Recipes, and Gender Flip can take like 16 forms, but it was forbidden because everyone was getting fucking tired of the endless pranks and hassles getting in the way of cooking
>Seriously don't eat Fae food
>There's entire LIBRARIES of fairy tales warning about it for a reason

>>33465671

This is never given much attention, but how about other mythological creatures which are not dangerous and can be caught/hunted without significant danger?

Like Jackelopes. Grilled jackelope legs. Or Golden Salmon fillet.

>>33465703
Doubt it. Could be nuts. If it's nuts it's ok , but then what is that bigger thing on the bottom ?

>>33465710
darker chocolate

>>33465705
>My favorite is Fae Surprise Pot Pie, sometimes it's roast beef, potatoes and carrots, sometimes it's a hole into the elemental plane of capsaicin

>>33465711
What about... darkEST chocolate?

What if we journeyed to find and use that.

>>33465713
>elemental plane of capsaicin
my sides and my sanity

>>33465720
You mean...Chaos Chocolate!? Do you know what you speak of? I would rather go restaurant hopping in the Far Realm then go looking for Chaos Chocolate!

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>>33465713
>elemental plane of capsaicin

>>33464341
On the other hand, eating food is only meant for sustenance, and cooking is wasting the Omnissiah's time. Just eat your protein slurry Enginseer.

>>33465783
Y-you. You. YOU. DEATH TO THE EMPEROR. DEATH TO CHAOS, TOO. DEATH TO YOUR ENTIRE POISONED UNIVERSE. YOUR EVERY WORLD AND WARP WILL FEED THE MASSES, THOU SLAVE OF TASTELESS ENTROPY.

>>33465692
>Hellwich
Forged in darkness from wheat harvested in Hell's half-acre, baked by Beelzebub, slathered with mayonnaise from the evil eggs of a powerful dark chicken, beaten into sauce by the hands of a one-eyed madman, with cheese boiled from the rancid teat of a three-headed fanged cow and layered with 666 separate meats from an animal which has maggots for blood. It also has lettuce and Dijon mustard

>>33465709
Well jackalopes are statted in PF and as i recall they are statted as CR 1, so a family of 8 can still prove dangerous to low level players.

But what if they don't fight? if they run you either have to chase them or kill them with a ranged weapon before they get out of range (and in a forest or similar setting that may not be an option).

But even then they may just be extremely hard to find and require days of tracking (possibly through dangerous territory) and setting up elaborate traps. or they may be considered sacred and guarded by creatures like dryads or centaurs.

Just because they are harmless doesn't mean they'll be easy to obtain.

>>33465806
>all the darkness is focused in the dijon mustard

I only use the finest salt, gathered straight from the Quasi-Elemental Plane of Salt to prevent any impurity.

>>33465811
The most foul and evil dijon mustard in culinary history. It alone has it's recipe tightly guarded by the Kitchen Paladins

>>33465813
Oh yeah!? Well I don't bother with jars, or containers, MY kitchen contains multiple portable holes and gates into pocket dimensions that I have personally crafted, all to keep my ingredients in the ultimate state of freshness!

>>33465825
Nah. It's just dijon mustard.

All dijon mustard is that dark and dread, it turns out. Nobody knows why. Tastes good on a sandwich, though. Thankfully it's not immune to stomach enzymes.

But goddamn if you don't see it used in every bloody dark recipe and ritual this side of the line.

>>33465807
So much this.

One of the main reason I hate players in general. "Of course I can obtain X, it's easy!"

>>33465825
You fool! That will only tempt them down a truly dark path. You must give to the order of the tasteless, pure and noble monks who have forsaken their taste buds for the good of all.

>>33465836
OH YEAH?? Well, I only grease my pans using oils from plants garnered from the Fey Wilds!
The foundation is nearly as important as the dish itself!

>>33465863
OOOH YEAH!??!

WELL ALL MY KITCHEN UTENSILS, POTS AND PANS ARE FORGED FROM ADAMANTINE! THE METAL IS THE HIGHEST QUALITY IN HEAT TRANSFERING, CAUSING EVEN FRYING IN ALL MY DISHES! NOT TO MENTION I HAD ALL MY KNIVES ENCHANTED SO THAT EVERY TIME THEY CUT, THEY SLIDE SMOOTHLY THROUGH, FOOD NEVER STICKS TO THEM!!!

>>33465851
Are you insulting the will of the Kitchen Paladins Order, you foul tongued knave!? We of the Church of the Holy Kitchen are the most pure and resolute soldiers of the doctrine of clean cooking, no foul dish has ever touched a Paladin's lips!

>>33465879
YOU FOOL!

OVER-SATURATING YOUR DISHES WITH MAGIC SULLIES THEIR NATURAL FLAVOR! ANY TRAINED PALETTE WOULD NOTICE!

Besides, mithril utensils are superior to adamantine ones.

>>33465891
>>33465886
>>33465879
>>33465863

this is why I classed Server

none of the egotistical dick contests, all of the food and tips

jesus

>>33465891
Of course I know that! Of course thats only if I use nasty regular magic

I use Druid magic!

coasters

>>33465840
I think it's like wearing skulls during a ritual, they think it does something, when it's just an...evil placebo.

Still, the mystery of dijon mustard confounds chefs for decades. It all looks and tastes normal at first, but as soon as everything is mixed together, it just becomes evil, and no matter how much a cleric purifies it, it just stays that way. It's one of the culinary words great mysteries, along with why people would put pineapple on pizza, and other such mysteries

Just thought of new things to do for culiomancers (also known as by uncultured swines who cares nothing for the finer points of language):

Scroll recipes: a new feat (prerequisite: CL 5, scribe scroll). A magic scroll that can magically create ingredients, side dishes or even full courses (the more complex the higher the spell level). Looked down upon as dishonorable, but certainly handy if you discover you are lacking a specific ingredient. Certain ingredients can by their inherent magical nature simply not be created, as determined by the GM.

Permanent summons (prerequisite CL 3) can be used to make creatures stay after you slaughter them so that you can have easy access to fresh meat. If you are a divine caster your deity may not be okay with this.

Summoned meat (prerequisite CL 5, permanent summons): instead of the animal you may summon the meat, already butchered and ready for use. If the meat needs special treatment, like being smoked or salted you may raise the spell level appropriately.

Summon natures ally works as summon create except with fruits, vegetables and herbs.

>>33466001
Known as gastromancers I meant to say

>>33466001
>can be used to make creatures stay

Summoned creatures that is, in case that wasn't clear.

Fffuuuck I just got a new fetish

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>>33465783
I-if you say so...

>>33465692
All of these are lesser than the Forgotten Recipe, a dish so vile and evil that its existience was forgotten by all as so it could never be remade after its destruction.

But in strange times, even the trashcan may be emptied and that which was never born may rise again to devour the souls of men....this is why we fight, to keep The Half-Cooked Meatbread forgotten!

>>33464403
I just gagged. Who the fuck would eat this?

>>33466459
Rednecks, poor people, lazy people, and stressed out families who want to at least appear as being competant and cohesive as a family unit but who just cannot get their shit together.

...god i miss/loathe christmas dinners

>>33466273
>/tg/'s meatbred
WHY
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO REMIND ME
CURSE YOU

>>33466459
>>33466501
You know nothing of the dark powers you ask of

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gP74xUyYaoo

http://1d4chan.org/wiki/List_of_/tg/_Cuisine

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A challenger approaches!

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>>33466574
Sshhhh, just let it happen..
It'll be over soon

>>33463614
He even looks more like a penis than a human being.

>>33464873
It's literally a joke. http://liartownusa.tumblr.com/tagged/AppleCabin

Bumbing till smut threads pops in. Some would like to see this fetish

>>33466645
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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Behold the Onion Rings of Power, fellow batterwarlocks!

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>>33467057
Doesn't this looks just so much more appetizing?

if anyone here hasn't seen God of Cookery you need to:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvTkp92Zt9I

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>culinomancy thread
>no Fighting Foodons

U wot m8?

>>33471600
a legit martial arts legend bistro recipe ttrpg would be fascinating. Having to do a full set of ingredient and skill checks in order to summon a monster, and having the monster's stats and performance hinge on the degrees of success that go into your summoning/cooking check.

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>>33464470

is that elsa from frozen eating a burger

why do i find this attractive

>>33471600
That show sucked ass and people are trying to forget it ever existed.

It's fucking 1 AM where I live! Stop posting tasty things!

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>>33471887

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>>33471908
B-but...

>>33464745
lost it at tropical johns
almost as good as prickly Spanish quillfruit

>>33464968
Welp, puked a little.

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>>33471933
It was a half-assed, paint by numbers attempt at a pokemon/digimon clone that was like 5 years too late. I'm sorry anon but you have shit taste.

>>33464812
wtf are the oat goblins?

>>33464684

>Not a Palate-in.

>>33471958
I know - it's just that I grew up on it, ya know? Nostalgia does weird things to ya. I'll never be able to detach the show's quality in my mind from the memories I made while it was on.

>>33464968
so delicious-looking, yet so deadly

>>33464986
>>33464989
the previous ones were bettter

>>33465076
the maggots on the tortilla are actually bretty gud

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>mfw I once played a halfling cook
>mfw I put all my points into culinary skills
>mfw I cooked all the monsters the party killed into pies
>mfw I started franchises and became wealthiest person in the country

Chef characters are the best.

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BEHOLD MY MIGHT AS A CULINARY POLYMORPH, BUT KNOW THIS TRICK IS MERELY THE BEGINNING

I WILL ADD ANY FLAVOR TO ANY FOOD YOU NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE

CUCUMBER ICE CREAM IS ONLY THE BEGINNING! SOON YOU WILL HAVE BACON FLAVORED CARROTS, SODA FLAVOR WATER, STEAK FLAVOR TOFU!!

THE WORLD. WILL. *KNEEL*.

>>33464403
The evil board of directors are seated in a shadowy boardroom. You can only see their suit-clad torso's out of their chairs. Their heads are hidden in shadow.

Professor Clarc ANderson presents his latest evolution, a way to bring food easely and too the masses.

Now EVERYONE can have the taste explosion that would normally takes decades of training and ingredients gathering...

>>33472192
I beg of you... mead-flavored water for the kobold! He'd drink it for the taste if the alcohol weren't near-fatal to him! What sort of friend would I be if I did no seek a solution to his problem?

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>>33472285
A'ight a'ight get your mitts off of me, swillslave.

...it's gonna cost you.

>>33472329
How much?

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>>33472360
We're gonna deal in favors. I got a problem that needs taking care of, and I want my hands to stay clean.

>>33472391
Cheetos, you say? I've run dirtier jobs before, you've got yourself a deal.

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>>33472426
There's one problem.

They...

They're flaming hots. Napalm level.

Just take care of this for me and your little friend will get what he needs. Also, don't fuck with Junkfood Necros.

>>33472499
Got it, wear gloves and stay out of sight. Those Junkfood Necros, man...

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>>33472550
Look, I feel like I need to be forward with you. He placed an anti-chopsticks hex on the death zone. There may be no way to avoid Orange Hands.

But if you're up to it, I'll lend you a map of his lair. He's crossclassed pretty deep into Energy Drink Alchemy though, so while it's easy to catch him on the shitter, he moves fast and shakes harder than the tits on a dwarven cocktail mixer.

That moment when I read another cooking thread on /tg/ and wind up being aroused by the depraved dryad posts.

>>33472640
Yeesh. Looks like I'll need the good knife for this one. Probably a coffee, too. Lesse... three bags of celery should stave off calorie overload...

>>33472640

>he moves fast and shakes harder than the tits on a dwarven cocktail mixer.

my_sides.jpg

>>33465637
Maple the depraved dryad?

I seem to recall a story on new years eve/day, a couple of years ago...

Adventurere marcus was hit with a reincarnate spell, and turned into Maple the dryad...

Correlation?

>>33472726
...mother of Pelor, it all makes sense.

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>>33472726
Nah. I just randomly picked the name of the first leaf I saw looking out the window, while thinking of syrup.

Maybe Syrup would be a more culinary and depraved name.

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>>33472760
>I won't spread your spices to the heartless sea.
>We are... Domino Dogs.

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>>33463193
My character is a baker.
KNEEL BEFORE THE SPATULA KHAN!

>>33472831
>BBQ with Thor

This is the best thing. How do you make beer pies, though? Is that a thing?

>>33472831
>typical high-level culicampaign session

>captcha: nourished nditbar

>>33472740
In fact, I think I actually have the story saved somewhere.

Let me try and find it.

I, err, don't really cook, but I do bring some canned food on adventures. So... here's that www.youtube.com/watch?v=60_oMY5ULIw

>>33472973
Yes. Found it.
http://pastebin.com/DRZTs3sx

It's out of season, being not christmas at the moment.

But here's the story of Maple.
Dryadfag, if you're out there, I wanted the rest of the story so bad.

>>33473065
That's incredibly nasty.

Would a wizard/alchemist trying to make some kind of perfect meat animal through chimeras and bizarre potions and whatnot be evil or neutral?
Has he gone too far, or not far enough?

>>33473065
So you're an Evil PC I see.

>>33473065
I'm torn between punching you in the jaw for high heresy against the food gods... And just taking you under my arm in pity.

The latter's won out. Come on, let's get you some decent fruit cobbler. Rainbow berry sound good to you? What am I saying, you wouldn't even know the taste! Come on, you need to see what you've been missing. By the time we're done, you won't even be able to LOOK at canned food again!

>>33473407
No... just poor and unsuccessful

>>33473065
SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM, SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM, SPAMMITY SPAAAAAM SPAMSPAMSPAM

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Remember kids:

~When you're cookin' up some evil,
And you wanna have some fun,
Make sure to use the
Cuisinum Mysterium!~

Actual Evil Food does not Sing and Dance. Some assembly required

>>33473456
bloody vikings

>>33472831
>Fimbulvinter Pie
My sides

>>33464471
I see nothing weird here.

>>33472831
>thor
>beaten by a lobster
So much for asgardian biology. You would think the damn thing wouldn't be able to even break his skin.

>>33473827
I think he meant that he failed at cooking the lobster, and thus was metaphorically beaten by it.

>>33473827
No no, as in it beat him in cooking, as in it proved itself uncookable for him. In other words, he tried cooking the lobster but fucked it up.

>>33473842
>>33473855
C-Can you even grill lobster? I don't think of lobster as something that would cooperate with a grill.

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>>33473827
>>33473842
>>33473855

HARMLESS

TIDEPOOLERS

>>33473923
I don't think I have a big enough gun for this.

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>>33473923
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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>>33473985
>>33473990
All I see is dinner. RAISE YOUR SPATULAS AND TRAYS, LET THE COOKING BEGIN

>>33473905
You can't, which is why even Thor failed.

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Get on my level

Fucking plebs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxK7qzePkd4

>>33472831
Why is Thor so angry in the last panel just because she asked for pie? Sarcastic, even. Or did the artist just mess up a little?

>>33464610
...I do not see the problem.

>>33474230
It's been a while since i read it, but as i recall the dude talking to him was being an edgy faggot an acting like he wasn't impressed and the barbecue was lame.

With the pies Thor was proving that this was the craziest barbeque ever.

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>>33474293
Well, nobody said having a Butcher was a bad thing for battle and beefbrawls. Just until they go insane and lovingly strap you down to sample your flank to prove just how good of a steak they can make, with only the finest ingredients: You.

>>33474410
I would a Maple.

>>33474329
Okay, that makes sense. I'd be pissed too if I had spent hours, if not days cooking for all my friends and some asshole just tries to stump me.

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>>33474536
>Someone went out with Maple in the town tonight?
>...
>Well, at least lunch will be good again tomorrow.
>Jessica I KNOW it's one of the Forbidden Acts to eat that. But after the Trek Burgers I don't think we'll ever be clean. Pass the wine and crackers.

>>33474536
We all would a maple anon, Dryads are objectively among the best lovers in the fantasy world just behind Dragons, Tri-Kreen, and Gnolls

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This thread is great for all this cooking and food related discussion, except for the people try to make it fetishy as fuck.

Just can't control yourselves til the weekend, can you?

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>>33475170
You mad cuz your cookin' doesn't bring the ladies round to your table, so all you can do is be a food critic. You're an NPC class for a reason.

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>>33475273
>dat file name

This thread is seriously cooking up some inspiration for a sidequest or three.

Question is, how do I get a pack of bloodthirsty loot whores to cook?

>>33475273
Not that guy, but I'm mostly annoyed because one of my characters is a superchef, and I was hoping this thread would give me ideas.

How disappointing.

>>33475368
Dangle a reward in front of them. Make the food be so healthy it gives a temporary stat bonus, or make it a cooking contest with a fancy prize.

>>33475411
There's no real ideas to be had. It's novel and fun to discuss if flavor, dull to mechanize and detail with rules. There's plenty of ideas how to reskin anything for a food-focused joke game with fry liches and spatula knights and legit ideas for extreme food as quests and rewards.

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>>33463428
Hey, I'm in a screen cap!

>>33464588
>>33464615
>>33465127
>>33465384
>>33468052
>>33471887
Because that is your fetish...

>>33463655
They have like three shows with Alton brown hosting and he's an asshole in each one of them. Cmon Alton you used to be a good eats guy.

>>33475418
>you have been bested in the gladiatorial arena, your heads hang low knowing an imperial seal was so close
>just one swing of the axe and it was over, your dreams of getting into that armory were gone
>out of the corner of your eye you spot another banner
>same imperail symbol same prize
> Its a cooking contest to be the next royal chef
> "anyone know how to cook?"
> "Anyone can cook, its EASY"
> "Yeah its just a lotta fanchy worsh and shpishes and shit *hic* "
> "Ok so were chefs now, think cooking"
> "Tatrak not so good at cook, many fires"
> "Look its FINE, cooking is EASY, just give the orc the cleaver, let Osaih handle the spices and ill blag the rest, lets find some chefs hats"
> "that'll fit a dwarf"
>*sigh* "MISTEM WE HAVE THIS CONVERSATION EVERY TIME"

>>33475603
What shows doesn't anton even do now? The only show other than Good Eats I've seen him on was Cutthroat Kitchen

The other cooking thread was better because there was less caps lock.

>>33475706
Yelling is pretty much a requirement of kitchens and chefs.

what happens if you cast Plant Growth on Dryad's tree?