First for loli

Point dramatically and yell "YOUR MOVE" to the chick across from you.

>>33390819
Make them wait some more.

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>>33390865
This major headache warns you not to yell within the next few minutes.
>>33390879
629, also known as Kaguya, known to you as the Booty Princess, speaks first.
"Slick, where's your number?"

Get defensive and ask "Where's yours?"

>>33390919
"Sorry, what did you say? I was busy thinking of your fantastic ass."

>>33390962
>>33390982
"Girl, if you wanted my home phone, why didn't you just say so?" you rebutt.
She sighs. "Your ID number, Slick. Your tag?"
"Just like yo ass, you can't keep me from wiggling off my clothing forever."

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"It's time to start. I call up investigative chief 382 to the stand," she said.
Perhaps a cheesy one-liner is in order.

Respond with "my 382 mm chief is already at the stand, no need for orders ma'am."

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>>33391057
You say this to a man you know well. He does, after all, work with you against other companies and lawsuit victims.
"Fuck you too, Slick," says detective 382.
"BREEEEP, COMMENCE WITH TESTIMONY," shouts the computer judge.

>>33391134
Wait to see what he says. If it isn't helpful to you, yell "OBJECTION."

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Evidence list:
UNPLUGGED CAMERA
BROKEN DOOR

1. "There's camera footage of 203."
2. "He's guilty."

Damn.
You don't what to say, but you could just bluff everything. That's how you usually do things, besides corporate evidence forgery and draping a blanket over the computer screen.

>>33391157
You strongly consider this.

>>33391157
No shout "I object!"

>>33391134
Pretend to care about testimony. Think about The Princesses ass and how it compares with the ones in our porno - I MEAN ARTISTIC NUDES COLLECTION!

>>33391191
Say the footage was faked. Maybe they'll buy it.

In order to buy more time to properly figure out what the hell happened to you, you object to the case on grounds of computer judges are computers which are the very essence of communism. Whether or not this is true, you do not care, as long as you buy time for the Slick to get his memories to click.

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"The Slick has an objection!" you say.
"BROOP. YES?" replies the computer.
>>33391226
"... That defense attorney is too damn fine for this court. She got the finest booty I've ever seen in my whole life in New Moscow."
Kaguya replies in a voice weary of the cosmos itself, "Slick, that's not an objection. It's not even an argument. You just made an observation and wasted everyone's time. Here's an observation: You're an assbagel."
Daaaaamn.
>>33391231
"Oh yeah, also, the Slick claims the footage is fake."
>>33391261
Maaaaan, that computer can read thoughts. SSSSH.

>>33391307
You're rep can't get soiled this early into the case, quick, think of something witty!

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>>33391354
"Hey Kaguya, I had a bagel this morning and you still got an ass that won't quit. I already stuck my dick in one of those things I've just listed."
You feel Jesus and Buddha giving you mad daps for that.

>>33391388
Declare the trial to be over. Nothing more can be said.

>>33391307
>Assbagel

I am NOT an assbagel, sweetcheeks! The Slick is fifty percent douchenozzle, fifty percent shitweasel, and a hundred percent oblivious to rejection!

Oh yeah!

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>>33391431
>>33391462
"The Slick has nicked your case in half, sweetcheeks. Close closed, legs open, ladies. BOOYAH!"
The computer whirs right next to you. "BUWWAAACH, INSUFFICIENT DATA TO PREVENT ENTROPY OF UNIVERSE. CONTINUE TRIAL. YOU'RE WINNING. 203 WILL INEVITABLY BE PUT TO DEATH."

Are you really that certain there's nothing legit you could poke in the testimony? Maybe Kaguya will have better luck...

>>33391489
Request a drink. Then "spill" it on the robot judge.

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>>33391539
The AI moves just quickly enough out of reach. Those vacuum tube limbs won't help it forever, pal. But until that day, it's waterproof.

Also, it has an emergency discouragement ray. Known in plain speak as a laser turret.

>>33391614
Fine, let Legs'NAss try to prove the commie's innocence.

>>33391614
Remember that the camera was unplugged, and they have no video proof.

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>>33391659
You're sorry, it's Princess Booty of That Fine Ass. Jesus, can't you respect women?

She clears her throat with an expertly acted out cough. She starts immediately.
"It's all quite simple, you see? If the camera is unplugged, how do we know that this wasn't a set up in any way, shape or form?"
>>33391698
... OH, NOW YOU GET IT.

The detective says, "Well, uh. Unplugged? Who could've done such a thing if it wasn't 203?" He's not really into it, to be honest. He looks half-asleep.

>>33391733
Oh no! She has us beat!

Well, since we've failed prove 203's a communist we should just pack up and concede and make more inappropriate comments about her butt.

>>33391824
Tell them the manager unplugged the camera, and call him to the stand.

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>>33391824
"Oh rats. Looks like 203 will be getting off the hoo-" you start.
"Not so fast," says the detective. "203 was the only one in that manager's room besides the manager. That's makes him the only guilty man, unless you're implying the manager unplugs the camera at night to do deviant things.
Also, why the hell are you so ready to give up the case, assbagel Slick?"

>>33391900
"Well, you see... OH SHIT, KAGUYA LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU." While she's turned around, check out that fine ass.

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>>33391863
Eck, are you sure you want to see your brother. The assbagel - shit, the asshole headbutted you in the crotch a few hours ago.
You check. Yeah, it still hurts.

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Ugh, fine. It only takes a few minutes.

"Hello, Alek," says your brother.
"Look, the Slick don't want to waste anyone's time. Did you unplug your camera?"
"What, no! Why- of course not!"

>>33391900
Um, Kaguya just has too strong a case and we don't want to tarnish the image of a faithful, innocent capitalist?

>>33391946
And yes absolutely.

>>33392026
Tell him we know about his weird porn and we'll tell everyone about it right here! Just admit you unplug the camera to do what you... do.

>>33392026
Ask him why he's shit at maintaining his office. A broken door, an unplugged security camera, he's not a very good manager.

>>33392094
He'll, he can't even close his filing cabinets !

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>>33392094
He's a shit dude. You've never even seen him manage anything. And definitely not women. BOOYAH!
>>33392074
"If you don't tell everyone you unplugged the camera, I'll tell everyone about your weird porn."
"Alright, Christ! I unplugged the camera a little after the supposed 203 incident.
But absolutely no one else was in my room, alright? So it's him!"

Now we're getting somewhere in this incredibly simple case.

>>33392158
Ask him about that chick he was with the other night. That terrible night of the dick headbutt

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>>33392185
"AHA! The Slick caught your dick now! You were with some blondie with a scarf yesternight."
You don't stop there.
"This means that she did it! All that communist shit. BAM! 203 is as innocent as your virgin mind, motherfucker!"
You just accused someone else of Grand Communism.
"You can't be serious -" says your brother.
"YOU FUCKING IDIOT, YOU JUST FUCKED UP SOMEONE INNOCENT!" screeches Kaguya. "I COULD'VE PREVENTED EVERYONE'S... URGH!"

Looks like the cat is on your dick.

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Your name is 405, bald man with a tie. You just spent the last night sleeping on a bench. Your apartment is just across the street.

You're starving.

>>33392308
Eh, as long as our bro is safe. Katyuga'll get over it eventually.

This is enough of a victory for me!

>>33392350
Gnaw on your arm till you're not hungry

>>33392350
So I assume no money and no building key. Fish change out of a fountain and buy a snack?

>>33392308
Damn it, 606 is one of the characters I actually like.

>>33392350
Forage for berries, or possibly that one, unwary squirrel.

The one that hasn't learned to fear you yet.

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>>33392381
Unfortunately, the power of your baldness does not extend to self-consumption.

>>33392389
Your wife has the building key.

>>33392407
That's a CAPITALIST squirrel. No need to hunt fellow comrades... or do you?

>>33392417
The main ideal of CAPITALISM is that the strong survive over the weak.

DID YOU FORGET THIS, COMMIE?

EAT THE GOD DAMNED SQUIRREL

>>33392417
Go earn some money like a true capitalist! Ask if anyone needs their lawn mowed.

>>33392431
>>33392446
Apparently, the only thing a true capitalist does is hunt squirrels.

Any bright hunting ideas?

>>33392417
Only filthy REDS ask for handouts! We need to gain money with a respectable job! Take off your tie and offer passerby discount shoe-shines. You'll corner the market in no time!

>>33392466
Rub two coins together to get it to come to you, like any Capitalist would.

>>33392466
Blind it with your baldness.

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>>33392495
No blindness accomplished.

>>33392492
Your pockets are empty, but you remember that the fountain does have change.

>>33392514
Go to that fucking fountain, nigga.

>>33392514
Time s of the essence. Tackle the squirrel.

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>>33392560
You only end up hurting your hand as it crawls up a tree.

>>33392538
It's underwhelming. There's a little girl by the bucket - sorry, fountain.

>>33392579
Distract her and snatch up some change. We don't want her getting the same idea and crowding in on our turf.

>>33392579
Time to show her a true face of capitalism - shove her and start rummaging in this bucke... Fountain

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>>33392603
>>33392601
You see no need for violence against human larvae.

You reach in and grab two coins.

The child acts up.
"That's my wish. I wished double hard."

>>33392630
We've committed a horrible crime! Flee!

>>33392630
Stare at her, unblinking until she leaves.

>>33392630
Wish double hard for hot meal and bed.

>>33392630
Grab two different coins.

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>>33392664
There are no other coins.

>>33392657
But your hands just dried.

>>33392646
>>33392641
You stare at her as you back away, soundlessly.

"How will my parents come back now, mister? I've worked in the orphan mines for fifteen hours just to wish for my parents to come back from the Good Place."

Oh.

>>33392677
Well, fuck.

Throw the coins back in the fountain. Become her homeless, pathetic pseudo-father.

>>33392677
Oh shit. We are truly bad man. Hug her and return her this two coins

>>33392677
Pretend to put the coins back in. As you walk away, don't make eye contact.

>>33392677
Would your wife be cool if she came home to an adopted daughter?

>>33392710
I think, if we're starving to death, we haven't been home in a long, long time. And if only our wife has the building key, it means she kicked us out and left us.

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>>33392710
Well, she hates you. Not kids. Still, it's a bit of a surprise.

>>33392695
>>33392698
You flick them back in.
"That means if I throw them back in and wish the same, it'd be a quadruple wish, right?"
She considers this. "I guess."

>>33392747
Hey, our wife had to love us for something in the first place to agree to becoming our wife, right?

Let's rekindle that spark by bringing a poor, defenseless child into our broken shell of a home.

>>33392744
Thread one we were in our apartment and I think that was about a day ago. Maybe we forgot our key inside and she's away for business or something? Just what I thought.

>>33392747
Ask her if she knows how to hunt squirrels.

>>33392747
Teach her to fend for herself. Start with squirrel hunting.

>>33392805
Is this the same guy? I guess it is. Damn, we didn't archive the first thread.

Let's use our new little girl companion to break into our apartment.

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>>33392805
"How do you think I eat? They don't feed me," she replies.
"ORPHAN PATROL," shouts a man clad in armor.
She jumps into the fountain in an attempt to hide.
The man comes closer. "Hello, pedophile, it appears that you're harboring an orphan. Please hand over the orphan for manual labor."

>>33392843
Punch him in the face.

>>33392843
Pfhahahahaha

Anyways, "She's no orphan. She's my daughter. How dare you!"

>>33392843
She's not an orphan if we adopt her, right? Right.

It's foolproof.

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>>33392874
>>33392882
You lift the shivering girl out of the fountain. "She's my daughter."
The man scratches his back. He shrugs. "Alright." He walks off.
You consider how potentially dangerous this situation would be if you were much more twisted.

>>33392836
Here it is, doesn't have the right tags.
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/33303952/

>>33392945
Tell her you're her dad now.

>>33392945
What, you mean if we were actually a pedophile?

Good thing we're not.

>>33392975
Yeah, going with this.

>>33392945
Get the monkey to break into your apartment and let you in. She needs a towel, dude.

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>>33392975
"Uh, this is weird, but do you want to live with me and my wife?" you ask as you drape your work coat around her.
"I don't know you."

>>33393041
you dont know her either.

>>33393041
Tell her it's you or the Orphan Mines.

>>33393062
Yes, we cannot possibly be worse than the Orphan Mines.

>>33393041
Well, the alternative is for her to be used as slave labor, and what kind of capitalist would allow that? Work is meant to be a social contract.

>>33393097
Thinking about the horrible hypocrisy of our government is highly illegal. We should stop that at once.

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>>33393116
TREASONOUS THOUGHTS, GO AWAY.
>>33393097
>>33393062
You're pretty sure that this counts as threatening a child.

"Well, you can't go back to the mines. Haven't you heard? Slave labor is capitalistic. I promise that I won't ever do anything bad to you like the slave drivers."
"You strike a good deal, client," she says through chattering teeth.
"In this case, you would be the client." This child has much to learn.
You head back to the apartment.

>>33393174
Find out her name. Probably should have done that sooner.

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>>33393196
"What's your name, orphan?"
"Emeline."
As your turn the corner, you see a squirrel in front of your door.

>>33393243
Teach her how to hunt that loitering squirrel.

>>33393270
But we're the ones that need to be taught.

>>33393243
Oh, no. They're actually government surveillance robots, aren't they?

>>33393270
She already knows how to hunt squirrels. But we're hungry, and we don't want the government watching us. The squirrel is food!

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>>33393270
"HOW DO I GET THIS POSSIBLE DRONE?" you yell.
"I - what?"
>>33393297
You charge and tackle it. You bite hungrily on its metallic body. It beeps and tweets. You turn it over and read, "Property of Suino Tech."
Goddaaaaamn.

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Your wife loops unhappy and drunk to see you.

"Well, look who's come crawling back."

>>33393408
Present the little girl as a peace offering.

>>33393408
"I have our new daughter. Please don't kill me."

>>33393408
Additionally, tell our wife that we love her.

>>33393408
Pick up the girl to show her.
"We have this now"

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>>33393448
>>33393438
>>33393444
>>33393427
"Hey dear, I found a little orphan girl by the fountain today and decided to adopt her."

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"You fucked another woman, didn't you."

>>33393501
Quick, make the child say something, then your wife will never resist her!

>>33393544
Of course not. You're the only woman for me. I saved this little girl from the Orphan Mines.

>>33393544
"Do you honestly think I'm competent enough to maintain an affair."

>>33393544
What? How did she that from presenting her an orphan?

Just tell the kid to be cute. Women are suckers for cute kids.

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>>33393564
>>33393563
"Why do you keep lying to me? I'm so sick of this."

>>33393578
She thinks it's our bastard child from another woman.

>>33393596
We just attempted to eat a robot squirrel.

Does this woman really think we're smart enough to fuck another woman.

>>33393596
Yeah, this kid needs to corroborate our story. Why does our wife hate us so much?

>>33393596
Tell her she's drunk and we're not handsome enough to sleep with anyone.

>>33393596
Try to calm her down, and tell her the truth.

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As you pen your mouth, she speaks first.

"Fuck it. I'm not gonna just let some bastard kid of yours shiver to death. Come on in, kid."

>>33393648
Go inside, find something for you and Emeline to eat.

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>>33393667
Well, today was more depressing than many you've had. All because you decided to take an orphan along, a squirrel hunt turned into a domestic confrontation.

Still, you did save an orphan. That's happier than anything that's happened in the past months.

CONTINUED ON PART 6, you beautiful people. I'll aim for a 11pm EDT tomorrow, but who knows what the future holds?

>>33393713
Fun thread OP, thanks for running!

>>33393713
Good night OP.

>>33393738
No worries, man. It's only fun with people to leech suggestions from.

Also, this really wasn't supposed to happen. I expected a goofy squirrel chase and Stanislav to punch out 405 for eating a company robot.

Well, this seems alright.

>>33393749
Are we going to get to play as Stanislav again?

He and 606 are my favorite characters.

>>33393770
For the magic to stay magic, at brief and rare intervals. I do have a distant arc idea for him as the main character, though. Who knows as to what extent my railroading will go?

And rest assured, 606 will be totally baller next chapter.

>>33393787
Followed since the second thread. Lovin' it, OP. LOVIN IIIIIT