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>>33323098


You’ve never been all that spiteful, though, you just enjoy the outlaw’s life. For you are Captain Valdessa Atroxius, fearsome leader of the space pirate crew of The Sol Regret. With your hangover thoroughly slept off, your shoulder finally healed up properly, and you’re no longer leaking vital fluids out of the hole a creepy, psychotic cyborg drilled into your side (that was stitched up by your equally creepy doctor), you feel ready to take on the universe! No doubt the coordinates for the next reconfiguration chip has been revealed by the Charter Block, bringing you one step closer to possessing the Lost Treasure of Scaly Dan, so there’s nothing to stop you from claiming it for yourself!

>Head to the bridge and prepare to jump. Scaly Dan’s treasure shall (eventually) be yours!
>But first, go make sure Cernu fixed up your truck like she promised. You still have to fuss at her for forcing you to get see the doctor. So what if you were bleeding out, you’ve got plenty of blood!
>Go check on Toshka. She drank just as much as you and she’s like a fifth your size.
>Writein

>>33323110
>Already new thread
Is this real life?
Pity I have to leave in 20 minutes, hopefully people don't miss the thread going up and get in to vote.
>But first, go make sure Cernu fixed up your truck like she promised. You still have to fuss at her for forcing you to get see the doctor. So what if you were bleeding out, you’ve got plenty of blood!
Our tail must carry, like, lots of extra gallons.

>>33323110
>>But first, go make sure Cernu fixed up your truck like she promised. You still have to fuss at her for forcing you to get see the doctor. So what if you were bleeding out, you’ve got plenty of blood!
We've got to yell at SOMEONE for the truck. It's our baby.

But, once that's over, get straight to

>Head to the bridge and prepare to jump. Scaly Dan’s treasure shall (eventually) be yours!
Because treasure is our second baby.

>>33323110
>But first, go make sure Cernu fixed up your truck like she promised. You still have to fuss at her for forcing you to get see the doctor. So what if you were bleeding out, you’ve got plenty of blood!
No way this can wait,

>>33323110
>Go check on Toshka. She drank just as much as you and she’s like a fifth your size.
We care about our crew too, and we can see our treasure any time after all. The truck, too.

>>33323396
These things are true, yes.

Though if she's fine, she would very much not want to be checked on until she's slept everything off.

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The entire trip to the cargo bay is spent thinking up angry things to yell at Cernu for being all overprotective of you like that. You have enough blood to lose a few gallons and the whole reason you have four lungs is in case one gets torn up. Besides, you got better.

All of those angry thoughts melt away when you get to the hangar bay and see it: your Hauliphant brand cargo truck, your baby, restored to her former glory, Sure, she still sported all her old dents and scratches and even a few new ones, but you hear the crotchety growl of her engine kicking to life and suddenly it’s all okay. A grease stained Koma is stepping away from the hood as Cernu closes up the minifacturing kit and flashes you a cocky grin.

“There, is it not all better now, captain?”

>”Yes, it is. You did a wonderful job Koma”
>”Oh don’t pull that on me. I just let a crazy headless doctor poke around inside of me for you.”
>”You still owe me, you smug little tree.”
>Other

>>33323110
>But first, go make sure Cernu fixed up your truck like she promised. You still have to fuss at her for forcing you to get see the doctor. So what if you were bleeding out, you’ve got plenty of blood!
>Go check on Toshka. She drank just as much as you and she’s like a fifth your size.
I want both so I'm gonna vote for both even though I'm pretty sure that's not allowed.

>>33323546
>”Oh don’t pull that on me. I just let a crazy headless doctor poke around inside of me for you.”
>"Only you get to poke around inside me!"
Alright, not the last one I suppose.

>>33323546
>”You still owe me, you smug little tree.”
Now hug the truck.

>>33323546
>”Oh don’t pull that on me. I just let a crazy headless doctor poke around inside of me for you.”
>”You still owe me, you smug little tree.”
They work great together, really.

>>33323546
Give her a little bit of the ol' grumpy captain, but your heart really isn't in it now that the thing is fixed.

>>33323546
Gotta agree with >>33323761, put up some token resistance.

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A placid smile spreads across your face and you hold your arms out wide for a hug. Cernu goes to return the gesture, not realizing that the hug is meant for your truck until you slither past her and wrap your arms around the hood of your big metal baby. Glancing over your shoulder, you see Cernu pouting.

”Oh don’t you dare try to pull that one on me you smug little tree.”

She keeps on pouting.

“You still owe me for letting a crazy headless doctor poke around inside of me for you.”

Still pouting.

With a roll of your eyes, your swipe your tail between her legs to trip her. Before she can hit the ground, you catch her with a bulkier part of your tail and gently pull her towards you and coiling yourself around her at the same time. Damn, you’re efficient!

“Thanks to you too, Cerns.” You say when she is within reach of your arms, tousling her vines and earning yourself one of those closed-eyes smiles of hers while she leans her body into yours. She may know how to play you like a fiddle, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun with it.

“We made loads of memories with this thing back on Rotuga, didn’t we? Makin’ smuggling runs, hightailing it from all them gangs and cartels, camping out by the lagoons…” You muse, still stroking her head.

“It was my first taste of freedom.” She’s making that purring sound now, sounding like something between lightly jingling wood chimes and trees rustling in the wind. “My first taste of you.”

You flush a little at that last part. “Like I said, loads of memories with this thing. Loads and loads of em…”

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>>33324584
She looks up at you from underneath your hand, still nestled cozily in your coils. “We will always be able to make more, especially if you were to get over that doctor phobia of yours.”

“Don’t ruin the moment with a lecture, Cernu. You’d be afraid of doctors too if your organs were as valuable as mine were.”

“It is as if you forgot how we first met.”

Oh right. That. Your face reddens even more as your mistake sets in, earning you a laugh from your navigator.

“Perhaps I should allow you to leave. As pleasant as your company is, you have an ancient treasure to find. Besides, what would the crew think of their captain if they saw you now?” Thankfully, Koma had found his way out some time before all this. Good at reading the room, that one.

You uncoil yourself from around her to give her space to leave, but before she can get too far, you sneak a kiss on her neck, scraping your fangs lightly across the exposed flesh as you do.

“I know what my first mate will be thinking after seeing me now, at least. I just hope you won’t be too distracted to make the hyperspace jump in a moment.”

Her cheeks flush dark green as she scampers off. With your dedicated tease/get teased by Cernu time out of the way, what’s next on the schedule?

>Time to make that jump and go get that chip!
>You really should check on Toshka. She’s tough, but drinking contest etiquette is to make sure your opponent makes it to the next day.
>Speaking of Koma, you might want to go check on the engines and see if he needs anything.
>Writein

>>33324615
We should consider blushing less in front of the crew.
>Time to make that jump and go get that chip!
Though, I wouldn't mind sending someone to check toshka, or giving her a call, or something. I just want to get the ship traveling right away as I am antsy.

>>33324615
>You really should check on Toshka. She’s tough, but drinking contest etiquette is to make sure your opponent makes it to the next day.
Poor Toshka, couldn't beat the waifu.

>>33324615
>Time to make that jump and go get that chip!
Let's get someone else to check on Toshka, yeah. We can visit her later.
>That whole update
My heart!

>>33324615
>You really should check on Toshka. She’s tough, but drinking contest etiquette is to make sure your opponent makes it to the next day.
She needs checking on too!
Also gotta go, so thanks for running!

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Now that you got your hyperdrive all revved up, it’s time to get this show on the road. You head straight for your custom Naga-fitted captain’s chair the moment you enter the bridge. Instead of a simple back with a place for you to sit, your chair consists of a spiraled trough of comfy leather for your tail and a leather backrest and armrests that you enter into from a hole in the back. Not only is it impossible for anyone else to steal your seat, but it’s damn comfy. It only takes you a matter of seconds to get settled and once you do, it’s time to do your captaining things.

“Helmsman, I trust your sister is doing well?”

“Sleepin’ it off right now, but she’ll be shiny an’ raring in no time. Need me to wake her?”

You dismiss his concern with a lazy wave of your hand. “No need, Texaport can handle his own for the duration. Now, I trust we have the next location configured in the Charter Block?”

“Here’s the thing, boss.”

“Captain.”

“Right. Thing is, damn thing’s on the move. Keeps jumpin’ around, too.”

“Well you know what that means, right?”

“Not sure I grok it, boss.”

“Captain!”

“Right.”

Even with his titling issues, you can barely contain your excitement. “Anyways, it means someone else found it first!”

“Why’s that a good thing again?”

“Because that means we get to take it from them, Rosco, now prepare to jump!” Oh man, it’s been a while since you got to do a proper ship raid! Now the question is, how are you gonna approach this one?

>Jump in front of them and demand their surrender.
>Jump behind them and disable their engines.
>Jump sidelong to them and begin boarding.
>Writein

>>33325150
>>Jump sidelong to them and begin boarding.
Though, demand surrender simultaneously.

It's customary.

>>33325206
Also, maybe take a moment to figure out what the name of the ship is, now that I think about it.

>>33325150
>Jump sidelong
Glad to see this. Even if it is a bit quiet in here.

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“I want us sidled so close next to those poor, unsuspecting sods that I don’t have to leave this chair to hit em with my sword, got it?”

Those were the last words to leave your mouth before everything snapped through that hazy green madness that is the Dub. You have to shake away errant thoughts about how your hands look totally weird right and an odd craving for dehydrated onions before you can start thinking coherently again. You’re pretty sure animals aren’t supposed to jump through that special hyperspace developed by and for sapient plants, but you’ll be damned if it isn’t useful. Once reality snapped back into place, you’re about to make the order to deploy the shieldcracker torpedoes, only for Rosco to inform you that there’s no need.

They don’t have their shields raised. Interesting. Instead, you just spear them with your boarding harpoons and hail them on your telecomm and begin monologuing before your viewscreen even displays their face.

“Greetings, frightened spacefarer! You have found yourself as the unfortunate target of the dreaded and infamous Pirate Captain Valdessa Atroxius! But fear not, if you surrender your valuables to us, you shall escape with your vessel and your lives!”

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>>33325925
“You. Will. Never. Take. Us. Alive. Pirate. Scum.” You hear a highly synthesized monotone retort back, as if each word is being individually selected by a rudimentary, non-sapient synthetic intelligence.

Great, more war droids. You really need to stop using all your monologues on goddamn war droids. Actually wait a minute, that’s no war droid at all! Your no-doubt terrifying speech has been given to…a servbot? Seriously?

“Uhhh, you might wanna see this, captain.”

Great, Rosco just called you captain for once. You’re thinking about all the implication of how bad this must be from that when he brings up footage from the outer hull on your viewscreen, displaying the impact point of your harpoons. They’ve just…opened up multiple points on their hull near your harpoons. Nobody is trying to sever your harpoons, no one is trying to escape, no one is even trying to fire back. They’re practically begging you to board them.

Something aint right here.

>Well, whatever. You still need what they have, so a-boarding you shall go.
>Hang back and wait for something to happen. This is just too good to be true.
>Fire a shot on them. Nothing too devastating, just shake em a little to see what they do.
>Writein.

>>33325951
>Well, whatever. You still need what they have, so a-boarding you shall go.
Well, this is an obvious trap/invitation for us to go inside. So, go board, but ignore the doors and crash through the hull as you originally intended so we have an escape route.

Doors are for non-pirate use.

>>33325951
>Fire a shot

>>33326074
I wouldn't be too opposed to a shot. Just a little.

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The whole thing stinks of trap, but there’s no way you’re gonna let that stop you. To be honest, your curiosity at what they could possibly hope to pull with such an obvious setup just spurs you on if anything. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to do your homework before you rush in.

“What’s the name of this ship, Helmsman?”

“Got none, just a serial number. Seems to belong to some archaeologist firm, though.”

Well that explains what they’re doing with the chip, though it takes one ballsy archaeologist to brave the trap filled depths of Nagan ruins.

“When we get suited up, fire a warning shot off at them. Nothing too fancy, just a little something to poke a hole in for us to leave from in case we use up all of their gracious hospitality.”

“You the boss, cap’n.”

You head down to the hangar as quick as your tail will take you, Padstow and the Mechaniacs already suited up and ready for action.

“We’re not really going to go jump into the jaws o’ th’ beast, are we?” Padstow still has the front of his mech unfolded, taking a few final swigs from his flask before it’s go time.

You glare at him as you suit up. “You know, by the ancient laws of my people, I have every right to demand the life of your firstborn in recompense for the death of mine.”

He just shrugs at your threat.

“Go ahead, those university fees’re really startin’ to pile on.”

“You never told me you had a kid.”

“Three o’ the little buggers, actually. A wife, too.”

“Damn man, then why are you all the way out here?”

He shrugs and swigs again. “Do you know o’ any other professions where drinking on th’ job is not only tolerated, but encouraged?”

He earns himself a laugh out of you. “Fair enough. Then quit bellyaching and earn you keep. Padstow, Mechaniacs, let’s loot!”

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>>33326830
The hangar fills with jubilation as the doors grind open and Rosco blasts open your entrance. You all pick a cable and ride it in, kicking off and entering through your own opening when you get close enough. Once inside, more servbots swarm around you and your boarding party, armed with fierce looking…swords? That’s it? They might as well not even be there as your crew blasts, chops, and just plain punches them out of the way. Even odder, despite their superior numbers, they only seem to engage you one at a time and any attempt they make to attack is obnoxiously telegraphed.

After clearing two rooms and several hallways of the things and still no chip, Padstow breaks the monotony when he picks up a fallen blade and snaps it in two.

“Plastic, cap’n. They’re all plastic.”

Now that just fucking tears it! You are a real damned pirate and you demand to be taken seriously!

“What the hell is going on here, Padstow?”

“’Aven’t the foggiest. Ain’t never seen anythin’ like it in all me years…”

Before you can discuss the matter further, your comm crackles to life, an elegant female voice pouring through it.

“Beware, travelers! The crew of the Silken Gallows has caught you in her web, and now I, her captain, the dreaded Scarlet Widowmaker shall be your end unless you surrender yourselves to me!”

END OF THREAD SIX

>>33326861
Oh, thank goodness, I thought that the whole world was just not taking me seriously.

Thanks for running, cap'n!

...

We came into the middle of a movie set didn't we?

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And archived!

Sorry about the shorter thread. It looked like people were starting to turn in, so I decided to end things a little early.

On the bright side, that means next thread should be able to run even longer. I'll try to run a little earlier if I can get home from wrangling gators sooner.

Thanks for participating!

>>33326974
Well, see you whenever we see you. Have good rest!
>>33326935
Damnit.

every time i see this quest in the archives i read it as Space Pirate Nigga Quest.
the first time, i was severely disappointed

>>33326974
Thanks for running!
And most people sleep during your quests.