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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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What is the stupidest thing your party has ever done?
Fought and killed each other over +1 bracers, effectively ending the campaign. I lived, because I gathered my shit and left (they were originally my bracers and the fighter wanted them).
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>Fought and killed each other over +1 bracers

Were the bracers cursed?
Nope, just plain +1 bracers they could have bought in town for 1000g (we had thousands in our packs after that adventure).
Burned down a house that was haunted by the ghost of a little girl.
This caused her to turn into a banshee and chase us.
then the dumbest PC in our crew hugged the banshee and convinced her that she needed to pass on, as her mother was waiting for her.

That, or a Dark Eldar beastmaster attempting to insert foot-long earwigs into a sleeping female kroot's vagina. He quickly lost his head over the fact that she had a plasma pistol... Literally.
the game was shit, the dm was a retard, and the player was just looking for a way to kill his character so he could leave the game.
We found the villain's tethered Nightmare steed on a hitching-post.

I was roleplaying a Frenchman analogue at the time and suggested we sit down for some demonic steak à cheval.

Wouldn't you know it I was the only one to fail my disease save.
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Derailing the campaign by doggedly trying to enter a thieves guild and saddling us with debt
Caused the end of the world by jamming the macguffin into the antimacguffin
> Fighting in a burning inn
> One guy gets dropped early on
> Goes upstairs to monkey around with the grill and foods
> We finish the fight and go outside and help put out fires, rest for the night
> Guy comes back down with burgers and hotdogs on a platter
> "Hey did anyone do a heal check on me?"
> wefuckingforgothim.jpg
> Rolls his death saves
> Fails all of them
> A character gets dropped and his party mates just left him to bleed out
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inb4 none of you were rogues
>fighter wanting +1 bracers that don't stack with his worn armor

Wow... just wow.

Stupidest thing I've ever done? Drank the unknown liquid. How was I suppose to know it was a potion of Madness?
>Elves let us into an elven city
>Seem to especially like my fighter and are reluctant to let our half-orc in, but they do
>Hold a huge feast for us, local lord/petty king comes out, gives a short speech and offers my fighter the best elven women they could find, causing my fighter to spit out his food in surprise
>old priest comes out, grumpily says my fighter isn't the avatar of some sun god
It turns out the elves thought my human was some sort of demigod, and that's why they were so nice and gave us the feast
>Elves quickly become unfriendly cuz I took advantage of their generosity
> Oh no, pirates are raiding the city! What will you do, party?
> Fuck that, we're getting out of there!
We left our half-orc in the city as it was razed to the ground, and he rolled up a human hating elf.
Not the party, but one players continues to amaze me at how stupid she is.

>you fall into a large industrial basement filled wall to wall with barrels. They leaking oil and tar everywhere. Your target is escaping out the doors on the other side of the room.

I often let the rest of the party veto her actions just because she is so fucking dumb.
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openly announced my intentions to become the lich king but forgot to say "ooc"
Not the party but one player has an impressive record for poor judgement, his character's action are the origin of several in jokes.

Best I can remember.
> playing hell on earth takes one of the example characters straight from the book
> hard-core soldier type, tough and great at shooting
> has d4 spirit and no guts if memory serves
> developes several phobias after first few encounters
> we fight a dust devil
> he's so shaken now that he goes full auto shotgun spazz at it
> rolls decently but he's got penalties out the wazoo because he's terrified of pretty much everything
> dust devils can redirect bullets that miss
> does more damage to the group than the dust devil

We'd been playing Deadlands for years so he knew how vital guts and a high spirit were.
> Nwod, Trying to intimidate werewolves with high voltage cables in a smashed up bar filled with alcohol fumes...

Well....I did defeat the werewolves....
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Forgot to give a damaged note to our Mekhet who could Auspex to see what it actually said.

Turns out, mistaking "Antediluvian" for "Antechamber" causes the end of the world pretty fucking reliably.
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My party told me about something similar, it happened before I joined:
>DM spends 4 hours painstakingly drawing a massive urban slum, think Plaguetown from dark souls, laid out on a huge 4ft x 8ft mat.
>Party takes one look and puts it to the torch.
>They claim he cried.
To be fair if I saw that going down I'd be pretty intimidated
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>Players broke into a wizard's home for clues.
>Trigger magic trap that activates a statue that tuns out to be a stone golem.
>Tell them what the golem looks like, since it looked like the wizard.
>Beat the golem, behind it was a door to the wizard's study/lab, where he did all his magicky/evil wizard junk.
>They take a clearly magical staff off a silver stand, which started glowing after the staff's removal (it was a secret alert spell for the wizard)
>They leave the study and outside in the room that they fought the golem waited a man who looked exactly like the statue and a few guards, who were pointing at us with arrows.
>Stupidest member asks "Who are you!"
>I choose to immediately shoot him because that is the single dumbest thing I can think of him ever saying in that situation...
Pic related, everyone's face when
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Not mine, but this one has to be in the running for most retarded.
I suppose it was us that wss stupid for allowing him to go with that character...
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someone thought it was a neat idea to stuff a portable hole in a bag of holding.

Long story short everyone but me and the party skeleton died and me and the skele got sent to a moon like plane where i instantly suffocated and the skele laughed his ass off.
>Hired to assassinate a rogue banker
>mid-fantasy world
>have ancient relic, basically an ocean stored inside a crystal ball
>open bank door, throw ball at wall, lock door
>destroy the city in which the bank is located, 90% death toll, no buildings left standing
>fields destroyed, bank obliterated, no money
>make 1000gp for killing banker.
Another job well done.
A drunk Mirumoto shoving his sheath in a Kakita ass while he was unconscious.
The Kakita woke up hours later, reacted badly (I can understand him), took off the sheath, and attacked the Mirumoto when he learned what happened. He managed to kill him, but it ruined the campaign.
Sounds like your DM punished you for trying to have fun.
We're on a ship sailing along. Everything's going well. Suddenly! Sails on the horizon! Pirates! We try to make a run for it, but they catch up and board our ship, pitched battle ensues. That's when one of my fellow players gets the brilliant idea to improvise fire bombs by throwing the oil lanterns at the pirates. On our ship.

In his defense, the pirates fled back to their ship pretty quickly but all things considered we were probably better off before he decided to burn down our boat.
>Only war
>Took enemy's missile battery
>Defending it from counter attack, doing fine. Stormtrooper has one side locked down, rest of party is going to flank out the other exit and roll up the enemy.

>Player w/commissar decides to throw a grenade at a totally unoccupied and unthreatened exit.
>Fumbles. Like a 95.
>Grenade bounces off of wall onto rack of missiles.
>Missile set off missiles, and generators, and magazine

>Sergeant impaled on a tree a hundred meters away
>Stormtrooper was on the other side of the compound, burned a fate point, and escaped with ringing in his ears after an epic dodge.
>Medic is okay too, she was also on the other side of the compound
>Commissar dragged to safety by storm trooper.
>Enemy throws grenade.
>Commissar rolls onto grenade after DM berates him to to do something useful
>He sighs and does the right thing
>His bolter ammo cooks off, kills some more enemies.

But that's what happens when you mix portable holes with bags of holding.
I guess you're right (I just looked it up). I always thought that was just a joke, didn't think that was any kind of official.
... Thats justification for a TPK. IRL
>mystic bleeding out, being stood on by a vampire knight not aware he's still concious, rest of party's fine.
>"I think I'll cast a psionic blast on him"

Same guy
>Town Guard. "It's a little past curfew you know, what are you doing out here?"
>"I'm a pirate!"

Once more.
>Trying to remain incognito while discussing plan in inn.
>"I'll buy everyone in this tavern a drink!"
>Can't join us in the break in because noone in the tavern wants him to leave.
>I nearly get killed.
>Give him shit for it.
>He attempts murder.
>Gets off scot-free because he's GM's pet.
>I finally leave game.
Party is heading to foreign country by ocean voyage on a midsized military vessel with a fair number of soldiers acting as crew, and about 12 ballistas as anti-anything-big weaponry. We spot 5 ships on the horizon, clearly pirates. They are all tiny ships that we could take out quite easily with ballistas before they can so much as touch us, but instead our self-proclaimed party leader has the brilliant tactical decision of telling the pirates that our boat is actually full of undercover pirates disguised as sailors. We're working on a big score and could use their help, we convince them of this farce and proceed to lead them into waters we know to be infested with massive 400+ ft long sea serpents, in the hopes they will kill all the pirate ships but let us escape. We did kill most of the pirates, but lost our ship to a sea serpent and only escaped by commandeering a remaining pirate ship and because the GM didn't think to put more than one sea serpent in the area, even though the place was supposed to be infested.
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>get buttblasted because "I almost died', blaming it on someone else
>Leave the group in a huff after hostilities you provoked escalated
ya, you're a spaz
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art fag here
undid your horrible photoshop attempt, this is clearly the original
He kinda abandoned a time critical mission to go drinking, so you could guess I was a little pissed. He also stool pigeoned on us after being captured for the "I'm a pirate!" incident, leading to the capture of PC's that we were trying to rescue in the mission he went drinking on, so I found it a little annoying that he threw his redemption and suffered no consequences for it.
That skeleton sounds like a bro.
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How much do you charge?
You forgot to put Ben Garrison on there
Our party does odd jobs for unset pay.
We've done stuff like clearing out several bandit encampments for 10gp and a crate of wine, and raiding a dungeon for an old mage for 2k a head.
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Problem solved
It once took us an hour to realize that we just needed to fix some fae bitches hair to stop her daddy from blasting a village.
Kroot don't have vaginas. At least not in the sense of humans. Kroot males have reproductive organs in their hands, whereas Kroot females have their receptive reproductive organs on their back. So Kroot sex looks like a back massage.

And then the female vomits up an egg a week or so later, which eventually hatches into a Krootling.
So the males give the females hand jobs then?
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>Come to a town which has Indentured servitude in lieu of prisons.
>Party hears 'slave' and without stopping to even think for a moment, they attack and kill the guards and free two chain-gangs that were doing maintenance on the outer wall.
>Party is quickly surrounded by guards and placed under arrest.
-One Week Later-
>Party is working as a chain-gang
>Thief picks her lock and goes about freeing everyone else.
>They kill more guards before heading into the city, racking up a large body count of guards along the way.
>Break into the palace, killing everyone they come across.
>Obtain oil, set alight the wing of the palace that the guards seem to be comming from
>Break into the throne room expecting to find some evil overlord, find a young prince and regency council of ancient, kindly men and a handful of guards.
>Everyone stands around shocked for a moment just another guard runs yelling that the Queen and the princesses are stuck in the burning palace wing
>Another guard runs in yelling that an army of bandits are attacking led by the leaders that were freed a week ago.
>Parties face when

I keep telling them that Murderhobo only works in dungeons
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Explanation for Elf Fatality Fetish via conversation with friend.

Elves get the strongest orgasmic experience imaginable when they come near death or experience it. Since most elves live a long time, the thought of death is an erotic drive. Their super-human bodies release so much pleasure to their mind when they experience it that the moments before death are utter bliss. Happiness to have an end, both hormonal and mental in origin.

This is why Elves will trade with dwarf fortresses. They get a contact high just by going inside and making it out. Every time they go back, they get closer to that statistical death.

So while you may be dumping magma on them to get them out of your fort? You are actually giving them orgasmic highs the microseconds they have before total death.

TPK to a river.
In a Planescape game, they tried to sucker punch the Oinoloth.
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>Wipe out goblin camp, get to lootin
>Barrels everywhere
>Rogue screams "BOOZE" and runs in, opens one, chugs it
>her face when bear pelts
>Face full of hair, she goes to second barrel
>Tree bark moonshine

As a cleric, I made sure she wouldn't choke on vomit in her sleep and went to check the third barrel. I based my character off Joshua Graham from New Vegas, and was covered in burn scars. Two pieces of metal in the barrel scraped, sparked, and up I went.
Burnt down a city when I found out his character killed a prostitute.

Then proceeded to burn down dozens more.
I like your style kid.
Why doe it look like the one on the left should be holding a mic and the one on the right, an electric guitar?

Sure they are dead elves and not rock elves?
I want to model this now
>Halfling Pirate with dwarven necromancer relic and his undead ward
>Dwarven Cleric who constantly gets too drunk to heal anyone in the party and is better and killing orcs by throwing other orcs into them
>Human Dragoon that constantly jumps off of the Dwarf and Halfling in order to spear enemies from above
>Human Mage who pulls out coins from behind enemies' heads then sets them on fire
>Human Sniper who is constantly berated by the dragoon and mage for using her large breasts to line up her sniping to be more effective

>Kill off the entire standing forces of a tiny Kobold village throughout the course of a dungeon crawl
>Managed to destroy their 'idol' during the final battle(read: someone blew out a candle that belonged to the kobolds)
>Women, children, and elderly kobolds are scared shitless that all of their men have been slaughtered
>Pirate-Necromancer wants to feed the now helpless kobolds to his undead ward to make it more powerful
>Dragoon wants to rally the kobolds to join the party against the forces of the BBEG
>Party is split on the decision and continues to bicker for about 10 minutes
>Sniper decides she's had enough and fires a warning shot into the ceiling of the cave to shut everyone up
>Rolls for effectiveness
>Rolls a 20
>The warning shot hit the cave ceiling in such a way that it managed to cause a massive cave-in, with only enough time to just barely get the party out of the village
>Pirate and dragoon pat each other on the back for diving out of the cave last action-movie stye
>Both notice that their plans are moot now because every Kobold left was killed in the cave-in

And that's the story of the first time my party managed to eradicate a village without gaining anything from it.
It's either a tie from shit-talking one of the apparent BBEG's that was three times my own level that ended in an effective TPK (One guy survived, but he quit the game soon after, but not 'cause of this)

Or the time we all decided to walk straight into the middle of a room in a dungeon. This room we had just seen a bunch of enemies in, and they had turned invisible. We survived, but 2/4 of the party was in the negatives, one wasn't hurt at all (ran instantly) and hte other, me, was sitting on 0 Hp exactly. You should see the other guys, though. They're all at 100% health
>>Human Sniper who is constantly berated by the dragoon and mage for using her large breasts to line up her sniping to be more effective

...Does it work?
Treated my Exalted character as the leader of the circle. It's not like she was great at leading, she was just the only one really giving ideas of what to do.

Horrible, self-serving ideas.

They put themselves in horrendous danger over and over and nobody really profited by it except my character.
Your mother.
We all took turns, she was a nice enough lady, but certainly not the sharpest tool in the shed.
You payed them in experience.
Fortunately for them, experience is a valid currency in a campaign.
>Playing a drow game
>only rogue, only male. also orphaned.
>disposable to them.
>they tell me to crawl through a hole in a dungeon ruin, find out what's inside.
>crawl through, find onix the size of a god damn basketball.
>pocket it.
>go back out, party asks me what I found.
>hold out an ornate, magical sword I had found earlier in the dungeon, and knew was only +1.
>they take it and go.
>I look into who wants to buy the onix, find out about lich who would be able to buy it.
>get given enough cash to buy a scroll of wish, wish I was a woof elf.
>get the fuck out of the underdark.
>Lich used onix to complete ritual, taking over all of the underdark and becoming completely immortal.

Stupidest thing party ever did? Trust a person who they had literally been torturing for months not to lie to them.
>onix the size of a god damn basketball.
>>pocket it.
You must have had huge pockets.
"Suck my schroedingers dick."
We were in a tomb, there were vials of the Pharaoh's old organs. Our cleric kept telling me to stop opening them, but I wanted to see if they were all the same. The church has given her a mission stating that there was a magical disease in the tomb and the mummy is the carrier. Our fights tries to knock the flasks of putrefied organs out of my hand. I dodge out of the way, and as a show of defiance drink a little.

I leave, seemingly fine, and thus no one speaks of it. However, I keep making fort saves at the DM's request. Turns out I was infected, but I continually make a DC 25 Fort save so as to not show symptoms. I don't show any when we get all the way back to the capital city, but I am highly contagious at this point, and still feeling fine.

I brought mummy rot to a highly populated area.
Is it both erect and flaccid at the same time somehow?
It's hard to pick one thing. Most recently we almost TPK'd to a fight with a dracolisk. Other highlights include a ridiculous mass of inter-party conflict for no reason, leading to complex plans to assassinate eachother, all the plans to torture people before we even know if they're going to freely talk (mercenaries don't care that much about loyalty, guys), and ofcourse, trusting that guy we've known for less than five minutes to lead us into an almost too-obvious trap.

It is a combination of miracle dice rolls and our DM being far too nice that has kept us from dying all the time.
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>haunted house
>party encounters a floating knife with blood on it
>all the other knives are rusty
>party's orc bard just fucking grabs the knife and another
>passes the will saves
>goes to the basement
>bloody dorf runs out screaming
>fails will save, drops the knives and runs
>comes back to pick up the knives
>fails the resulting double will save
>stabs himself in the nipples and instantly is unconscious, barely surviving thanks to the party's chalk-eating dorf cleric

>in fact everyone just fucking touches obviously boobytrapped objects without rhyme or reason

It was entertaining though.
>this concenrs 2 players, player Em and Player Jo (we'll call them that)
>both have been searcheing for a befriended NPC gone rogue for days now
>they've contacted said NPC's old friend for help on the search
>after finally finding the location of said NPC player Em does something
>player Em calls the friend to tell her they've found the NPC
>this doesn't sit well with player Jo
>he has sideplans that would be complicated by letting the friend in on this
>Jo decks Em in the face while he's on the phone
>they try to talk it out for like 5 seconds then end up fighting
>for like the 3rd time over another trivial matter
>quickly elevated into fight to the death
>Em has has the upper hand overall while Jo has a slight edge hand to hand
>Jo is also has a bloodlust hindrance so his rape train has no brakes
>Em however wants to minimize injuries for both parties
>eventually Em is overpowered and at the mercy of Jo
>Jo knocks Em out and unzips his pants
>he takes out a knife and cuts part of his fucking dick off
>he then prepares to stab his Em's head and finish him
>3 other friendly NPC's we'll call FatHacker, StonerMan, and BakerGuy finally notice the fight
>BakerGuy attemps to restrain Jo
>gets slashed

>woof elf
>FatHacker attemps to jump in the way of the knife to save Em
>falls flat on his fatass
>StonerMan books it because he's a pansy
>Jo's knife strikes forth like the fury of god and goes 2 inches deep in to the conrete
>Em is kill
>we have a good laugh and roll new characters
>long sought after NPC is now gone forever
>Em feels bad
>Jo doesn't give a fuck
>Jo later becomes the biggest drug dealer in the city after this incident
Yes, you have a problem with Homo sylvanis canis?
Loot goon for the party. They had me carrying ALL of their hewards... that's right 4. I was a pack mule.

Part Elf, part dog. I'm my own best friend.
>woof elf

You know, a vest or bandolier with bags of holding as the pockets would be a big seller, methinks.
The whole party?
Tried to sneak into a compound when no one was good at sneaking. It ended with a whole lot of dead guards.
Just one person?
Got kidnapped by a Dire Raven and brought back to it's nest. Tried to climb on it's back and fly it to safety. That was me. It worked, I got to keep him.

That would have cost them more money. Keep in mind, the only thing I had going for me that WHOLE campaign, was that I got to start it with a 22 cha because the DM let people tank stats by 4 points to raise another 2, at character creation.

He also said that since it was an evil game, players could roll bluff against each other.

So at level 12 I had max ranks in bluff, by that time I had every feat focus I could have in it, and even one of those circlets that added to bluff.

I forget what all I had, but it ended up being something like a +44 to bluff once a day, and the rest of the time a +36, or something.

Yeah, I TCKed them. Total Civilization Kill.
I just meant in general, not for that specific campaign.
We found a fort that seemed to be haunted, poked nearly every monster in there and almost died several times. We ended up abandoning a DMPC when he went to fight a dragon that was behind the ordeal and one of our players stole gold from the coffers of the fort. We met up with reinforcements when we were about a mile away from the fort and lied our asses of about ever being there.
That ended the campaign.
If this is 4e, then Fireball won't ignite anything, it just deals damage.
You are a stupid, stupid man.
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This is a good idea for a setting
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Personal best
>playing monk
>luchador build
>more for shits and giggles than practicality
>insist on using high flying techniques for every situation
>can't open a jar without backflipping and pinning it first
>DM leads us to "halls of challenge"
>kind of a proving grounds for some old gods
>see first door into inner sanctum
>"I execute a running slidetackle into the door!"
>"are you sure about that?"
>surely that hint was enough
>"But of course, how else would I enter?"
>"Okay... the good news is you aren't completely castrated"
>"however, you are now paralyzed with pain, prone, in the middle of a group of 5 constructs. and they get attacks of opportunity."
>dragged out by companions with -3 health, heal up, barely scrape through encounter
After five minutes of carefully explaining the collision and 'being thrown out of vehicles' rules, the party convinced itself to charge an enemy tank.

With their jeep wrangler at full speed, for a killing blow.
An elfs gender cannot be known until you look into its pants. Thus, all elves both have and do not have a penis until they disrobe.
Elf in a box.
>Survived long enough
It's ok, your DM helped you a lot
Lost one of their members when he charged straight into a shuttle filled to the brim with barrels of Promethium rigged to blow.

Rather than admit they'd been tricked, they rammed the second shuttle (which was also filled with Promethium) with their own, which the villain then detonated.

4 dead characters.
We once had a monk dodge a Wall of Blades 3 separate times in the same round of combat.
Then the dumbshit druid turns into a fucking rhino right after seeing an enemy wizard prepare a touch spell, and gets teleported halfway across the continent.
Luckily, I had like, 20 something to identify them, so I figured out they were mostly cursed, but hot fucking damn, that was a stupid druid.
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>Party releases a dragon from slavery and joins the group's side in an "enemy of my enemy" sort of way
>Take it to the Good Guy base so it can be armored and tell them about troup movements, enemy force capability, etc.
>Dumbass wants to go wipe out a cave of trolls for some reason
>Entire rest of the party wants to pimp out the dragon
>Dumbass has an item that lets him command animals
>Goes to use it on the dragon to make it turn around
>Entire party goes off on him giving him reasons why it won't work. The dragon is sentient, he's never commanded anything that large before, stop being a cocksocket and ignoring everyone elses wishes, etc.
>"No this'll work guys"
>GM rules that the dragon goes into a frenzied panic as its instincts take over from the sudden mental shock
>Wrecks half the base
>Base doesn't trust dragon anymore and starts shooting it with canons and balista
Oh boy, I have a few. First is fairly simple
>D&D 3.5, party consists of me, Halfing Rogue (We), Half-Orc Barbarian (P), Half-Elf Wizard (Wa), Elf Ranger (N), Gnome Bard (Q), and a then NPC'd Elf Paladin.
>The short of it is that we're working for a wizard
>Need to go into town to meet an informant
>Supposed to meet in an inn, so we all settle down and wait and keep our eyes open.
>Except for the Barbarian
>He goes on a goddamn shopping spree, ending it with a +1 Greatclub, Full-Platemail, loads of booze and I think a chicken
>He's in the goddamn street showing off his stuff, swinging the club and strutting about like a twat
>Townguard sarcastically says "Ey, you look pretty good, for an Orc. Why don't you join the military"
>Were instructed numerous times by the wizard that the military was funded by the royal family that had gone a bit loony, something about a god, we didn't know much.
This goes further, ending eventually with a deck of many things being used somehow, anyone want me to keep going?
this is great, keep going.
We all died to the same pit trap while attempting to rescue loot from the bottom
We mostly played SR3. I can't think of anything stupid the party has done as a whole, but I can relate a couple incidents of someone catching the dumb.

One run, we had to do an extraction on a girl that had been kidnapped and was being ransomed. She was the daughter of some Ares corp exec that someone was trying to pressure into jumping ship. She was being held in a corp facility with some contracted security, since the extraterritoriality would prevent Lone Star from getting involved.

Anyway, we're scoping out the place, watching the patrols, locating the guards, etc, and That Guy decides he needs to get his murder on and just charges the front gate. He isn't going to have any of this sneaking in shit and wants to just muscle his way in. The rest of us take off after him, trying to grab him before he can blow our cover, but he's surprised the entire party enough that he got a head start (not that it surprised any of us IRL, he was That Guy). Our mage ended up stunbolting him in the back and knocking him out right in front of the gate. We grabbed him, threw him in our party van, looked at the agitated guards at the gate and were just like, "You guys didn't see nothin." Passed our bluff, stripped the dumbass orc of all his gear, dumped him in an alley and pulled the run later that week.
I have been waiting for a good time to share this. I was DMing this modern campaign, kind of low urban fantasy I guess, there was occult like magic, it was kind of Buffyish. Anyway, the players started out as lowly criminals in the first few game nights, but eventually they became members of this motorcycle gang.

They become involved in a gang war between the Motorcycle gang and a street gang who had been using Necromancy to bring back their members to continue the war, this game should have had them finish off the other gang so they could move on. So the Necromancy gang comes to their HQ armed with fully automatic weapons and starts shooting it up, one of these guys had a chaingun. It wasn't a hard encounter, but the main gunner in the party took a bullet early on. The party could have finished up just fine if they had just been a little more patient and stayed behind cover, but the melee character decided that he had to be the hero. He goes into the backroom and injects himself with heroin, despite it not actually conferring any stat bonuses, and he knew this, then he charges the guy with the chaingun and gets shredded. With him dead and the gunner incapacitated, the Necromancers wiped the floor with the remaining players. TPK.
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Explain please
Okay, round 2
>Long story short is we don't hear from the Barb for a while, and the informant meets us.
>Tells us we need to infiltrate a manor of the royal family to obtain some books that are needed by the Wizard Boss.
>Oh boy, I get to do rogue things finally besides sneak attack
>Only problem is that we are meant to be "distant family" that wants to be honored for having royal blood.
>The royal one is the half-elf wizard, who has 6 charisma because she can talk the most eloquently
>6 charisma
>From horrible facial scarring
>The informant does enough make-up work that should hold for a few hours
>The ranger becomes a hand-maid that only speaks elven (not sure why)
>Bard becomes a jester/entertainer
>I become a body guard.
>The paladin is eventually dropped from the campaign for not showing up
>We leave in three days
>Time comes, we mount up in a carriage
>As we head out, the informant tells us not to worry too much about guards, he made sure that a new guard would be assigned out of the 5 guard watchers at the manor.
>We get there, make all the greetings, have the dinner
>The ranger/maid slips out while we eat and begins to search for the library
>Wait what
>Apparently she thought she should instead of the rogue
>My guy can't get out of the banquet, keeps getting talked to by the guards on the advantages of crossbows and other annoying shit
>Jester does jestering, distracts brilliantly
>The Wizard/Noble talks to the head of the family, says "oh, I'm terribly bored from our journey, and I've been needing to do some reading. Where is your library?"
>Head and Wizard/Noble leave to go to the library
>I finally manage to leave the banquet and look for anything else important
>As I'm walking through the halls I keep seeing some guard in goddamn full-plate that makes a racket, eventually I stop seeing him and any other guards

Let the DM talk us into playing Tomb of Horrors. Friendship ruining campaign right there.
Well there were 8 of us, at the time we where poorly armed and a powerful mini-boss fell down the hole, so using rope 2 of use died trying to rappel down. the following 6 died attempting to rescue the rope as we needed to cross a chasm.

Yeah I have a good one like that too.

>Party is exploring old tomb
>One character sneezes from the dust
>Rolls a 20
>Explodes into bones
Round 3
>The ranger/maid makes it to an attic area where she sees the guard in full-plate leaving a secret room
>Well that isn't suspicious at all
>She goes into the secret room, finds the books we need, hides them on her person
>She hears more footsteps coming to the door
>She hears"You'll love our special library, we have books that only exist in our manor, they're so rare" "Ooh, that's rather nice"
>Fuck, there's the head and the Wizard/Noble
>Maid locks the door, and hides in the corner
>Head tries to open the door, "Why the hell is this locked? Damnit, let me go get the key"
>Head and Wizard/Noble leave, Maid makes her escape
> I encounter her as she's running back to the banquet room, we head back together
>When we get back, there's a massive ruckus
>Apparently someone broke into the Head of the House's secret library
>"Whoever did this must be found, they stole a rare artifact, capable of great catastrophe and rare weaponry!"
>Wait what
>I, as the guard, make the excuse, "Our lady cannot stay in such a place like this, with THIEVES running about and rare artifacts! We will return on the morrow, fetch the carriage, etc. etc"
>We book it the FUCK out of there, and meet back at the Boss Wizard's Hideout
>After giving him the books, we hear some ruckus from outside, and we see some guy in Full-Plate being escorted by the informant
>Turns out the dumbass guard with the Full-Plate was our barbarian buddy, who decided to rob the manor where he was assigned to keep watch
>He apparently activated a deck of many things which granted him 10000XP, Gave him a cool +2 Mace of Terror and took 10000XP from him
>Barbarian starts making excuses, "I only joined the military to act as a spy, I never betrayed you!"
>Boss Wizard definitely isn't buying it.
>Boss Wizard says something along the lines of "How can I trust you"
>Barbarian yells back, "I don't know, touch me with your magic crap and MAKE ME tell the truth"
Round 4
>Boss Wizard gets this evil grin
>"Very well, I'll use my magics and make you tell the truth. Hold still."
>Barbarian lets him touch him, lol, what's the worst that can happen
>Boss Wizard uses Finger of Death
>Barbarian fails fortitude save
>Instant Death
>Dead silence around the room as the Barbarian falls to the floor, lifeless
>The guy playing the barbarian literally just laughs it off, saying he deserved it
That's pretty much it, I have another story that involves a near re-enactment of the Titanic and being saved by a crappy sled adapted into a boat, if anyone wants to hear that.
I'm interested.
Oh come on, fiction is always true regardless of rules mechanics.
Was it an Oregon Trail rpg?
Alright, this takes place as a prequel to the campaign talked of prior
>Again, D&D 3.5, now I'm playing as a Human Fighter-Wizard, the guys who played the half-orc barbarian is now playing a FULL Orc Barbarian (I know, original), a new person is playing a Human Cleric to (unbeknownst to the party) to Hextor, and someone from the last campaign playing another Gnome Bard
>Basically we need to get across a small sea to get to a dwarven capital that contains archaic knowledge
>We buy passage on a steam-ship ran by orc captain that our Barb tries to talk shit to
>Their goddamn Orc pride nearly dissolves into a brawl, my character breaks it up.
>Eventually we're on our way, and my character with his dog familiar and our Orc are chilling on the deck, enjoying the night air.
>Suddenly we hear a chuckle, and a clunk
>Our barbarian had uncanny dodge, so he argued he couldn't be flat footed for this, dodges out of the way
>My guy gets covered in icy water from a pail, I'm furious because I didn't a damn thing.
>The captain and his first mate are laughing their asses off, our Orc tells them to fuck off and other threats
>Captain and First Mate just laugh and walk away.
>Me and the Orc just sit on the deck in annoyance for a minute until we hear a slam near the entrance to the hold
>We rush to check it out
>The goddamn captain locked us on the deck with a six inch solid iron door
>We are very far north, it's nighttime, on the sea, and we can't open the door. We are freezing, especially me, covered in seawater.
>Thankfully I had bought a crowbar in the last town, because we had been having trouble with doors in a dungeon
>Barbarian and I work together, and try to pry the door open, crowbar breaks.
>Well shit
>I get a mad idea
>I use Ghost Sound and create the sound of a woman calling for help, "Oh no, who locked the door! It's so cold out here, HEEELP!"
>The captain hears this, tries to open the door
>It's stuck
>The crowbar jammed the fucking thing closed
>group is on a river raft floating down to a large city after fleeing a town controlled by secret werewolves
>as they float down the river they encounter some Sahuagin that sometimes raid the river traffic
>immediately the rogue and monk jump into action
>rogue gets off a good shot at the larger one and kills it while the monk jumps off the raft because he can make better time on foot
>as they near the creatures to rogue jumps off as well to engage in the melee
>the other two members of the group, a druid and wizard do not engage
>and as soon as the rogue is off the raft they start to row and basically just run away
>the rogue and monk continue to engage their foes as the wizard and druid run away from an incredibly easy fight because my description of the creatures scared them
The two most powerful members of the party just up and leave their traveling companions to fight what would have been a quick victory because they were scared of a description.
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I find Battlemage is more effective term. It flows off the tongue better
Recent Pathfinder game:
>Playing a Half-Orc Monk scholar. Want to do research. Get dragged into murder mystery by fucking bard.
>We go into a crypt with some paladin NPCs, and an Epic Level Cleric who fucks off somewhere else for most of the dungeon
>Fight some undead. Find a goddamn underground amphitheater.
>Goddamn Lich shows up and starts getting pissy with us for beating up his skeletons. Paladins cave in wall. DMPC Epic Cleric looks like he's about to save da day

>Fuck that noise
>"I bullrush the Lich"
>DM's eyes pop out of his head. Finally says "Fuck it" and lets me roll
>Monk level 4
>Lich level 10-12
>Race across the entire room
>Dodge attacks of opportunity from zombies
>Leap over the stage
>Nat fucking 20
>Lich shits and sails backward through the stage wall
>PaladinNPC: Holy shit no fucking way!
>Lich was PISSED, lobbed a fireball up my ass
>Paladin-bro leapt out and took the hit

We lived, but by all rights I should have been dead. That was fucking stupid.
>The captain and his mates work together to break the door down, it's easier from the inside
>I keep using Ghost Sound to make the woman screaming noises
>Eventually they break it down
>The barbarian and I get the same idea to charge the door and bull-rush the captain to get inside
>DM argues that the doorway is too narrow to fit both of us, how can we BOTH charge him
>We just roll initiative to see who went first
>We match numbers, end up both charging down and getting stuck halfway to the door
>Captain knocks us back, combat ensues
>Barbarian grapples the captain, and chokeholds him
>I use a spell and knock out half of his crew, and just trip the rest with my bare hands and knock them out
>I order the captain to yield, we can settle this without and bloodshed
>The captain says fine, I'll just get you arrested when we get into to port, now TO THE BRIG WITH YE
>Well fuck, we can't do that.
>The captain just laughs when we refuse it and says "Fine, let me have one punch in the face to each of you and we'll call it even"
>We agree, it's better than prison
>As the captain goes to punch the Barbarian, the Barbarian grabs the punch and moves into another grapple, which almost leads to the captain getting thrown off the ship until my guy nearly tackles the barbarian to make him let the captain go
>Various townsfolks and crew members go on deck, we've been making a lot of noise
>Eventually the Barbarian and I get paraded into the Brig and bound with rope at the wrists>
>I don't care at this point, we'll figure this out later, at least we're not freezing.
>At this point the Bard and the Cleric appear, dumbfounded at the stupidity of what happened.
>The Cleric orders the Captain to release us
>"Oh yeah, or what?"
>Cleric casts bestow curse on him, captain loses a shitload of Strength
>I just break the rope and leave the cell myself, and untie the Barbarian
>We go back to our bunks, and try to go to sleep
Our group had a rules-lawyer "Paladin" and a Chaotic "Neutral" Rogue in it, and I played a Wizard who basically enjoyed watching the two tearing at one another and getting mad.

One time, the paladin is gone for a play-session. He's been manipulating us shamelessly into trying to help "the good guys" (shades of grey in the campaign, overall) and we've got enough of it.

Shady advisor offers to pay us a ton of gold to kill a royal pet, a white polar bear kept in a special cage.

We agree, and go to promptly kill the bear. Turns out the bear housed the Sanity of the royal family, in physical form.

The faction goes to a horrifying war of genocide, trying to destroy all other races.

Paladin returns, RAGES.

Rogue laughs.

Civilization as we know it ends.
>Eventually we hear a LOT of noise, sounds like the ships hitting something
>Our party goes on deck to see what's up, turns out we've entered a giant ice flow heavy part of the sea
>Go to find the captain, to see what the hell happened
>He isn't the there
>The crew isn't there
>The lifeboats are missing
>He bailed because he was tired of our shit
>We find a passenger who used to be a captain, but doesn't know a lot about steamships.
>He tells us to go find the engine, something about the readings from the helm seem weird
>We find the engine room
>Shits on fire
>Like really on fire
>Like depths of hell on fire
>My guys tries to fire fighter that shit and charge in
>Don't really remember why to this day, I think I was going to try and get coal out of the room so there would be less burning
>That works as well as you expect it to
>Takes about a minute with the help of the cleric beating me with a heavy coat to put me out
>Go back to the helm to tell the captain
>Pretty sure our exact wording is "The engine is really fucked up and on fire"
>The captain says to just seal the room, maybe he can get pressure to the engines if no steam or shit escapes
>We get the door closed, and pray this works
>Meanwhile the barbarian has been on the deck trying to make a sled to get across the ice
>We kinda just let him because it was better than him trying to solve problems by hitting them
>We divert course back to where we need to go, pushing through shit tons of ice flows to get there
>We get about 500 feet from the shore, somehow someone shot a flare or something to attract the town's equivalent of a coast guard
>Suddenly a giant explosion goes off on the ship
>The engine fucking blew up from the pressure
>Everyone succeeds their fortitude saves to not get blown off the ship
>Except for me, who gets a natural one
>I get thrown about 20 feet on the deck, land not at all gracefully, but I'm still on the boat.
>Bear as eidolon of royal family's sanity
>DM starts to hint at me that everyone keeps looking at me funny when I talk to see what the fuck happened
>He also keeps penalizing most of my checks
>I put two and two together
>"Can I hear anything"
>DM says my eardrums got blown out from the explosion
>I'm deafened for who knows how long, probably permanently
>We're now slowly drifting to the coast
>Definitely not going to make it, we're still about 300 feet away, and the water is below freezing, we'll die if we fall in, so we can't swim the rest of the way
>A wizard who was on the boat says "DON'T WORRY, I GOT THIS, I'LL HELP"
>He uses fireball as a means of propulsion to push us further
>We get closer, but what was left of the rear half of the boat is now definitely gone
>Suddenly we see the barbarian on the deck, still messing with the sled, but he's made quite a few of them
>Everyone says "What the fuck are you doing"
>Barbarian just responds, "I was making sleds to get across the ice, but now they're just stupid boats because I have no ice"
>"just stupid boats'
>"Stupid Boats"
>We just realized the barbarian saved our lives because we let the retard go play while smart people figured shit out
>Miraculously survive to get on land with everyone on the boat who didn't get blown up by the engine or bailed with the captain
>DM says that was the most stupid bullshit ever, because it was meant to be a five minute boat transition sequence that then lasted two hours
That's pretty much all I've got.
Your group sounds like fucking faggots.
It never matters how stupid it was in retrospect
In the moment, do what is awesome.
Do it for style points.
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>it was meant to be a five minute boat transition sequence that then lasted two hours
Can't breathe 10/10
Accidentally tortured and killed the kidnapped man we were tasked with rescuing, because we forgot that was a goal and he was in the process of becoming a vampire.
>this fucking story holy shit i'm dying.
Good to see I got a few laughs out of that godforsaken train wreck. As an addendum, everyone in that campaign either got imprisoned later, died, or just went home because they adventuring got waaaaaaay too crazy for them. My character actually died in a cave-in in a dramatic fashion, which sucks but oh well.
>Roommate brought his hamplanet along
>She is an elf rogue that fails at rogue-things because she spends all points on being pretteh
>We're a party of seven
>I'm a huge berserk with a war hammer
>Three goblins show up in the distance
>Everyone: meh, fuck goblins
>She charges at them, no idea why
>Gets her ass raped by goblins
>Everyone: Anon, you're the strongest fighter, go save her
>She's already half dead
>I onehit goblin 1
>DM rolls, makes his "I am the greatest sperglord in the universe" face and announces "the goblin hits you critically on the head as you turn (wtf I'm twice as tall?), and you gain a blunt trauma for X dmg"
>Shit, I have blood rage
>Everyone yells at elf chick to gtfo quickly
>Onehit goblin 2
>Party still yelling
>GM: He's naked.
>GM: He's naked, too.
>Onehit third goblin, turn on elf chick
>Still too stupid to fucking run
>party barges in
>GM: Eeeeh, given Anon's CON, the character will pass out from fatigue in.. eeeh.. fifteen rounds? WTF?
>Clubbed a dwarf, two mages and an alchemist to unconciousness at DM's mercy before taking a literal arrow to the knee and passing out
A direct hit with a bow would pierce the breastplate. Fanservice armor isn't as horrible as neckbeards make it out to be if you have the requisite dex to take advantage of not being so weighed down
So was the GM trying to save her ass in pity or just tying to stop you from getting a TPK and ruining his campaign? Just out of curiosity.
Considering he hates the girl for always doing things like I describe, I would assume the latter
>Elves get off to the dangers of being savagely raped
Muh magical realm...

We came across a riot-cop dragon at one point with what Gelatinous Cubes in handy grenade form for crowd control.
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Okay listen to this
The game is GODLIKE, super heroes in WW2 with fair realism
One of my guy could reanimate dead for a while. They had to attack a bunkerized townhall in France. One of my PJ could reanimate and control dead people or animal for a bunch of actions.
They went to the local resistance to ask for dead bodies, but they refused. So they took a cow. A dead cow. They dressed it up with a nazi uniform and helmet. The put all the grenades, like 16, in its ass. Then they put it in the jeep "loke it's drinving" and send it down the road to the building. At that moment, the guy reanimates the nazi cow which goes "MMOMOOOOOOOO MOOOOOOO !!!!" and POW blast the bunker wall, with not much effect...

Later the use telekinesis to drive the tank on the roof of the building. from the inside, floor by floor.
>Everyone succeeds their fortitude saves to not get blown off the ship
>fortitude saves to not get blown off the ship
>fortitude saves
>to not get blown off the ship
Guessing a mistake in your story? Good story though

>My character actually died in a cave-in in a dramatic fashion, which sucks but oh well.
Can't they splurge for npc clerics to res you?
Height/weight estimate?
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I'm really bad at these things, but a small enough ratio to insta-kill every boner in a 5km radius.
Oh yeah, I guess I did fuck up a bit on that. My bad, I was rushing to get it written.

Sort of. One of the few survivors of that cave-in DID manage to try and revive me by finding the old mage we worked for to get money together, but the mage just killed them and said "He's in a better place now, and doesn't deserve to go through the hell this world will experience soon."
Halfling rogue, Warhammer
Had just one thing to do - bust out some spy from prison, or if it's impossible smuggle in the poison so he could end his miserable life before torturers turn him into minced meat.
DM - ''So, you've got a letter with mission details and there's a little bottle attached to it''
Rogue - ''I drink it.''
DM - ...
Rogue - ''What?''
DM - ''It tastes rather sour. And everything becomes black. Got any fate points left?''
Seriously, the halfling's player is a livind argument against legalisation of weed.
God thank you for that moment of humour.
And I thought I was retarded.
>Me: you see a large oak door, which doesn't appear to have a lock, just a handle, and opens in...
>Player: I kick the door open!
>Me: you kick it, and it doesn't move.
>Player: I kick it again. Strength check! (Rolls) 22!
>Me: it doesn't open.
>Player: (rolls 5 more times before crit failing, and hurting their foot.)
>Player 2: Could you finish the description?
Me: A large oak door, without a lock, and just a handle, which opens into the room you're in.
>Player 2: I open the door.
Starting a game of Deadlands (classic) with some guys. One of them decided to take the exact same 1d4 spirit with no guts. Two other characters. I've been reading Cthulhu and b-grade horror films.

It'll be heaven or hell. Most likely hell.
I see. If you had to wager, would you say that she seemed to be the volume of two non-fat girls? I understand that you are really bad at these things but I am curious.
>Three investigators
>In a creepy-ass house that's infested by an alien shroom
>The alien shroom kidnaps people and replaces them with shroom clones
Now, I don't know what was the stupidest thing to do in the campaign, here's a few options to choose from:
>Find a crippled clone with low stats, gang up on him and get almost killed, even though one of them has a firearm he's too stupid to use
Not really stupid, but insanely funny.

>Find a weird circle of mushrooms having grown around the house at night
>I'll eat one and see what happens!

>One of them finds out that the shroom literally burns like tinder
>Discover a cave underneath house where alien mushroom lives
>Get attacked by mushroom clones
>Throws a Molotov cocktail saying "Oh, I know it's really vulnerable to fire!"
>A motherfucking inferno breaks loose
>Mushroom dead
>Clones dead
>Investigators dead
Yes, definitely.
Not that I am generally prejuided against, uh.. the more Rubenesque ladies, but she also had a face like the Baskerville Hound and kept wearing these hot pink pants that were like two sized too tight.
>Can't unsee

We eventually stopped playing with them, anyway, after I moved out
>>One of them finds out that the shroom literally burns like tinder
>>Discover a cave underneath house where alien mushroom lives
>>Get attacked by mushroom clones
>>Throws a Molotov cocktail saying "Oh, I know it's really vulnerable to fire!"
This seems like a reasonable thing to do
Not after me going at lengths describing how the entire cave is penetrated by the mycelium, which clots into little balls on the ceiling and walls, sprouting little spore pots every few inches
The "gotcha" approach to storytelling gets old eventually.
You're not actually there so if the group (both GM and Players) aren't willing to help each other remember and understand things - which can sometimes mean a bit of rewinding - then you get comedic situations like post related, and they can be a ton of fun, but for an attempt at a more coherent campaign with more of a story to it, you really have to be a bit more large about stuff.
>You're not actually there so if the group (both GM and Players) aren't willing to help each other remember and understand things
He willingly chose to leave the table and do something else, instead of playing the game.
He got what he deserved.
>kept wearing these hot pink pants that were like two sized too tight.
Unf. That part sounds hot to me. Not so much the dog face.
Or you could just be vindictive at the expense of the game.
Forgot about that option.
Our two rogues (a half drow and wererat respectively) killed an archwizards sister while looting his tower, then slash up the corpse "to make it look like a landshark did it", then neglected to tell the rest of the party, to our surprise when said wizard teleported in and started throwing fireballs (kill three party members... but not the rogues).
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>mfw woof elf
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Go for it, anon.
Today at the pool we saw what can only be described as a black goodyear blimp in a bikini.

I'm talking "actually squeezed itself through the doorframe" here. Not quite up to the "it was fused to the couch and services had to remove it by way of crane" levels, but a year or two from there at best.

Horrifying view aside, the worst came minutes later when my daughter recognized her; she's a sixth grader at her school.

I don't understand all these stories of people taking joy in deliberately ruining the game for the GM. Like do these people enjoy seeing their friends suffer or something?
... basically something like that except in a swimsuit yes. Fucking precogs!
That reminds me of this class trip to Italy where the fat chick wore a skin colored bikini that literally vanished in her folds.
>Scarred for life
Hot pink pants and no, a white weeaboo chick.
No idea who the guy obsessing over camel toes in swimsuits is.
>Ew, anon, you're disgusting
Is this a Minority Report reference? If so, 10/10 underrated movie

I'm so jelly. Then again average cup size in Italy is A so uhh who knows what she looked like
It must be a terrible feeling for a woman to be fat, yet have tiny tits.
I am not glad I made that typo.
You know, I just had another one come to mind, but I'm not sure if it's stupid or not.

>Playing Rogue Trader as the RT and decided to take a shopping trip.
>Get ambushed by gangers which ends with the Kroot of the group being seen.
>Decide to wipe out the gangers by hiring other gangers and sending the Void Master on a suicide mission, with a bet to the group's seneschal (super sexy space italian lady) that if he survives, she has to wear a miniskirt for a month.
>go to party while VM drives a truck full of promethium into the gangers base and nearly dies from the gunfire and massive explosion.
>eat live warp eel to be badass.

So, should I have resorted to such overkill or just sent a hit squad to deal with it?
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a game i was GMing had a very foolish druid who decided to throw in a create flame into a room before looking what was in said room.

>mfw the room was full of gunpowder
>mfw half the party was killed in the explosion
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>a white weeaboo chick

>That reminds me of this class trip to Italy where the fat chick
Oh wait the fat chick wasn't Italian? Suddenly this story is good. Elaborate please good scarred sir.
The best thing to do as a GM is change your setting on the fly to punish players like that.

The door they pick is always the trapped one, there's always a second guard in the one place they didn't specifically look and so on.

If you're good enough you can kill them all and they won't realise you were doing it, then if they ask what went wrong point to all the things they didn't check.
wait wat
oh believe me the reason only half the party died is the other half had noped out of there long before
bitch better learn to have character accents or at least distinct voices
>player interrupts DM telling him the door opens into the room he's in, by trying to kick it open the wrong way.
What was your character's wisdom score?

4-6 would justify that bullshit.
Since you were incredibly beautiful and practically their slave, I feel like i have to ask:
Did they take advantage of you?
I cannot overstate how important guts and a decent spirit are. At least d8 spirit is required unless you're playing it non-horror (which is kinda boring when you know what you COULD be doing). Guts isnot only necessary, it's fun. Because my bareknuckled boxing irish stereotype had good guts he went toe-to-toe with a werewolf like it wasn't shit. It was fucking hilariois how no matter what we came up against, no matter how disturbing or likely to kill us it was there was a collective "fucking ruin these cunts" murderhobo response.
>In the Mouth of Doom, Rappan Athuk campaign
>Party consists of me, a brawler based around grappling and calling out ridiculous attack moves
>A dwarf barbarian with 20 con and a level of intelligence that makes him little more than a Scottish caveman
>A halfling sorceress named "Meduka" who is basically just Madoka
>A dwarf cleric
>In the fourth level, find giant pool of pestilence with hand with teleport spell rigged to it
>Hand is somehow connected to the god this pool of pestilence is associated with, the pool is basically a portal to the plane of pestilience, we theorize by throwing the hand into the pool, we can close the portal and avoid almost getting sick every hour
>Me and the barbarian uproot the hand, haul it into the room with the pool in it, and prepare to throw it in before getting attacked by demons
>We cheese it, head for a door across the room
>We find another hand, sorceress and cleric touch it, get teleported away until through a wacky turn of events, wind up teleporting back through the other hand that we almost threw in the pool of pestilence
That's hilarious but why did your DM let you have a city destroying super weapon and what level were you?
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Skipped over any manner of investigation and went straight to the cultist island as soon as we found out where it was. We got captured by what we later found out was an infinite wave of Deep Ones and now that party is now waiting for a new set of characters to come find them.
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>Part Elf, part dog. I'm my own best friend.
>Fighting zombie with spikes
>I totally forgot one player had a horse
>He kites it around
>yfw he fucking charges at him about half the fight in and gets a counter strike
>Anyone on /tg/
Never played 3.5 or 4e, and only a single session of Basic.

I'm usually involved in Anima, and will be getting into IKRPG soon, hopefully.

Can't speak for Anima, but the IKRPG isn't bad, it's just fairly shallow. We're gonna have a river-pirate based game in it shortly.
Killed a party member because they were jealous of fantastic art ability. I had no part in it, it was the paladin and some bitch psion.

If a man wants to paint the walls with shit and semen, let him.
>playing D&D
>calling other games shit

Can we just like.

Like, have ONE thread.

One, fucking thread.

Without complaining who plays what, and just enjoy the stories? Please.
>baby mad he plays basically a shitty clunky unplayable system
>And the gamist crap that is IKRPG
I'll take that as a no.
Friendly reminder.
Nope. Have to let people know D&D is bad or they might cause the Paizopocolypse and no games will ever be good again.
>Played by everyone, popular as fuck, videogames, movies
>none knows what the fuck is this webshit
>Literally a tabletop

Why people still don't praise D&D as the goddamn demigod of games that is
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/v/ please go

Busy with GURPS I suppose.
>Math the "game"

I was more aiming for "It gets held up as a demigod of games". I've never played it, I've no idea if it's any good or not. I liked Rolemaster though, even if it direly needs simpler character gen.
My first game of D&D, Bard/Sorcerer set in the WHFB world.

Went to a weird little kingdom in The Warp where children's souls go until they go wherever they go after that to convince the ruler of that realm to help us with some world threatening shit. Picture the Queen Of Hearts in the animated Alice In Wonderland movie, only bigger and dumber.

Made the mistake of letting her know all the kids were going to die all at once if she didn't help. This is a mistake because of fey logic. So I demonstrated why this would not be the wonderful thing she thought it would be in the most direct manner I could think of.

I casted Summon Swarm on her.

The DM was at a complete loss for words and our That Guy was having a mild heart attack.
Thing with D&D is, at this point it's popular because it's popular.

It was one of the earlier ones, it's got some of the biggest name recognition(in America anyways, not familiar outside of that), and as a result ends up being what people first play when they go into TTRPGs and then hold that up as an example of what the rest of the genre is like.

Then they hit that wall where they realize D&D is actually not very well designed compared to other games, and either go into denial and refuse to play anything other than it, or they accept it and play a better game, or the one edition of D&D that was well-designed.
>or the one edition of D&D that was well-designed.
And that is?

I swear to god if you defend THAC0 i'll fucking stab you.
I didn't name it for the bait potential.

I will neither defend nor attack Thac0
I touched the altar in the Tomb of Horrors twice

I thought Pelor would never lead me astray
Provoked a very old good dragon by trying to rob his hoard because "we're chaotic neutral we're supposed to be greedy".
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He abandoned his entire ship because you guys had a fight? What?

That game makes my head hurt.

Emperor help me, my sides. They have achieved maximum orbit.

On another note, I'm not sure I have any hilarious stories. Maybe tomorrow, since me and my friends are going to try and play Only War but homebrewed slightly. It's going to be set in the Halo-verse, and we are playing UNSC Army SpecWar3 Operatives, essentially Delta Force IN SPEHSS.
No, he abandoned his entire shit because
>He got the shit beaten out of him
>His crew got beaten
>And then when he was about to win because we were in the brig, the cleric drained his strength
>If you're not thinking "Fuck this I'm outta here" then you've got balls the size of watermelons

Ooh, what sort of IKRPG game are you thinking of playing? It's a system I'm enjoying myself.
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In a rated NC-17 campaign, our group made some interesting characters, but they were all somewhat violent. Not necessarily evil, borderline maybe, but mostly just really aggressive.

Our paladin was a multiclass paladin/cleric, he took cleric until he got atonement and the rest was paladin. He also took improved unarmed strike, weapon focus unarmed strike, and skill focus diplomacy.

So he would go around, find an evil person, diplomatically seduce them, then FUCK THE GOD DAMN EVIL OUT OF THEM.

The stuidest thing our party ever did, was let him screw us. So our campaign went from a gritty hack and slashy to a hot and heavy fuckfest.

GM rolled with it because it was his realm and we all signed up for it.

>mfw I found myself researching positions for my female halfling druid.
>Elf, Half Elf, and Dragonborn party
>Dragonborn is being a dick, hurting other players despite the players and I telling him Dragonborn are supposed to be honorable
>At an elf village, most of the buildings are up in the trees
>He exits a library to see the Elf and Half Elf down below
>Tries to jump off tree and hit the Half Elf
>Rolls a 4
>Don't want to make another character, let his foot catch on a rope
>Elf and Half Elf try to help him
>Both fail strength rolls
>Librarian comes out
>Finally with his help the Dragonborn is no longer dangling like a fucktard
>He removes his shoe and tries to throw is at the Half Elf
>Rolls a 1
>I have him throw the show straight up, hits him in the head

He doesn't do that shit any more, but goddamn the start of that campaign was a bitch with him being like that.
>in a schizo-tech setting where elves may be archers, but goblins have mechs and gatling guns
>party is ambushed by goblins with flamethrowers
>try to neutralize the threat by cutting their fuel lines
>with a +1 flaming dagger
>completely forgot to deactivate it first
>naturally, the whole thing goes KABOOM
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That should inspire him to be even MORE honorable, considering he is the last surviving member of his kin. But rather than allow his family name to be associated with a hero, he chooses to be a petulant twat instead.
That's what we said.
My player in a Unknown Armies game did something pretty stupid.

>Playing an Entropomancer (chaos mage)
>his roommate disappears suddenly, leaving his computer open on a premium porn site
>investigates and finds that in their terms of service that everyone just mindlessly agrees to was a clause agreeing to be possessed by a demon
>I expect player to investigate company that runs the site
>instead he decides the fastest way to find his friend is to also click the agree option
>A demon is summoned into his mind (UA demons are purely mental beings)
>realises this was a terrible idea but remembers he has a spell that lets him control demons
>realises that those require significant charges and he only has minors
>realises that he has a minor spell that summons a demon into his mind
>does that
>I have to work out what happens when two demons are summoned into a single mind
>have the demons fight
>the one he summoned wins
>immediately blacks out as it takes possession of his body
>wakes up 36 hours later in the desert covered in soot and blood with an empty pistol
>rest of session becomes an urban fantasy version of The Hangover but with more murder and firebombings

What exactly did you think was going to happen the second time?
Hahahaha goddammit
Nope, not even remotely. Glad, since they were all being played by men.
We gave Ravenloft's Not!Dracula a Staff of Planar Correction.

He hit Ravenloft with it.

Ravenloft exploded, everyone in it went back to where they came from.

The guys who hired us so to do?
"Yeah you guys are fired."
"But...we're the Chosen Ones!"
"...we're choosing someone else."
That's just cruel. They should have at least played there for a while before coming up with a good reason to risk authority repercussions for arson.
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> be running evil campaign for players
> party murders a few core npc enemies
> party murders a captain to make taking over the keep easier
> party manages to hide bodies easily or acid bath them
> other captains start investigation
> one captain goes to the inn they are staying in
> "sorry to bother you folks but i'm here investigating reports of missing people"
> the monk
> "oh you mean the murders."
> party facepalms and says they don't know the monk
I assume the captain joined his dead comrades shortly afterwards?
Hard for me to narrow down my stupidest moments, I DM'ed for essentially my closest 10-12 friends from when we were all age 16-21, so I had them during the edge times, and the beginning of real maturity. Here's one highlight from each person in the group:

Person 1: Dies after mouthing off to a crusader of Bahamut, claiming that Bahamut is a "bully" and that Zehir (the god of snakes&poison, an evil god) is the better choice. After being smashed with a mace into pudding, stutters "b-but, this is civilized, don't I have freedom of religion?"
Person 2: Uses psionic abilities to convince a girl she's crazy, for the crime of refusing his advances. Eventually, the girl snaps and goes on a murder spree, forcing the party to kill her.
Person 3:Casts fireball into a brewery. 'Nuff Said.
Person 4:Rolls up an archer that's blind in one eye, attempts to argue that he should receive a BONUS, not a penalty, to attacks, since "you close one eye when shooting"
Person 5:Commits genocide upon 3 races before level 7. Doesn't understand why other races are wary of his organization of humans.
Person 6:When person 6 picks a fight with a dragon and begins to lose, he runs into the forest, thinking the elves there will help him...until the dragon begins to breathe fire on the trees, causing his death, and that of the forest and the majority of the elves.
Wait, did they somehow not realize they were being violent criminals?
So why is it a fetish for humans then?
>the first time my party managed to eradicate a village without gaining anything from it.
>the first time
Ah, PCs.
Are they not born naked?
Is that supposed to be Jesus?
>The guy playing the barbarian literally just laughs it off, saying he deserved it
At least the player's a good sport.
Well they left the room and the monk was taken into custody and publicly burned at the stake for being a worshiper of Barbados.
The party later got revenge by poisoning the guard, his family, the keep, and village with hemlock infused whiskey during a toast at a festival.
I personally did something pretty damn stupid in the first session of a weekly Pathfinder game.

We’re fighting a gang in a crowded area because we thought it was a good idea to sic our Strix ranger on a gang member who was spying on us. The Strix rolled a 20 on tackling the guy and pinned him to the ground. This obviously attracted attention, but we manage to subdue most of our enemies except one who gets away. I decide to take a pot shot at him with my crossbow while he’s running.

The DM takes this moment to remind me that because it’s so crowded if I miss I’ll hit a civilian.

“Fuck it I’ll take the shot anyways.”

Nat one.

The DM informs me that I shot an old woman and can barely contain himself as he tells me to roll for damage. I nearly killed someone’s grandmother in the first session. Thankfully the party cleric decided to show up and stabilize her.
>Strength check! (Rolls) 22!
That should have worked.
That makes it seem even more like a good idea.

See how much loot they can shove up a sleeping dragon's vagina cloaca? before it wakes up
Declared my character's intent to subtly rewrite and reinterpret Adeptus Mechanicus' scripture to better suit my needs and desires to our party Seneschal, thinking her charm and deceive skills could be put to great use.
(She had very little involvement in any of the events of the campaign prior to this, and I was trying to give her a push while starting up interpersonal roleplaying and shit).
The other two players and the DM flipped shit OOC and commented on how I was breaking the universe and was on the fast track to character death.
"Well, as far as I see, Sashura here is the only one who actually knows what I'm thinking. If she ends up telling you or you find out through other means, then we'll go from there."
Next session begins with the DM criticizing my character's lack of motivations and suggesting that I rework him from the ground up, and reminding me that he's run countless games before that, when he let the party do whatever they want, spiraled out of control and then everybody got bored and quit.
The argument grew tiresome, and I knew that reworking the entire character would be more of a pain than it was worth, so we half-assed a quick little 'discovery of my heresy' which culminated in my death. No rolling involved. No role-play involved.
So now I've re-rolled a prison gang-banger who loves him some Emprah.
If I had known the universe was supposed to be this restrictive, I wouldn't have played in the first place.
I was told that Rogue Trader meant you could do things outside of the bounds of the Imperium.
Shit DM, mang.
Haven't you ever seen Jesus Christ Superstar?

It's hands down the best telling of the Passion ever.
One of our party members once peed into a blood fountain with acidic blood spraying from it.

We killed ten innocent volunteer guardsmen, took their stuff and then set them on fire.

For some reason, it's really sticking with me.
Aside from clicking "agree" all that stuff seemed like a reasonable choice given the situation.
He's a great storyteller and is good at coming up with interesting dialogue and situations on-the-spot, but yeah, he does gobble 40k cock a little too much.
>>Player: I kick it again. Strength check! (Rolls) 22!
>>Me: it doesn't open.
That should have worked.
At that point he's just breaking the door down.
>see an unnamed bottle full of some strange liquid tossed somewhere
>"Well, lemme chug that shit down!"
Thac0 is easy, anon.
Well, clicking agree was the big act of stupidity but summoning the demon was pretty dumb as well. Like, it's not as though he could control the demon he summoned so all he was doing was throwing a second uncontrollable and malicious occult entity into his mind.

Not exactly the work of a genius.
I presume this doesn't include dark elves, because they're practicly naked anyway.
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I had a PC walk into a setting's largest temple to Moradin and rape a priestess in the pews before pissing on the alter. I had an angel of vengeance appear and smite him for his crimes. Am I That DM?
Were they playing an evil game?
Yes you're That DM.
But then, I'm more of a "gods run the background shit" type of guy anyway.
Well, it's a little unsubtle but if anything is going to get you smote by the gods, it's pulling that sort of shit.
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Nope, rest of party were all neutral of lawful good. Lots of lolrandom hijinks. Never again.
14, but he does have a charisma of five and a terrible attitude. He recognized the fact he might get a disease, he however did not care.
I did let him fight the angel, but it was have been a very difficult fight.
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Big city. The party's mission: to hang around in the BAD part of town, and snoop around for info and possible connections to certain goings on in the finer quarters.
Prio #1: we must NOT draw undue attention to ourselves. Hoods up.
We get rooms at a really shady inn - a wretched hive of scum and villainy, judging by the crowd in the common room.
The female elf asks for a tub and some hot water in her room. Unexpectedly, the innkeeper takes care of it without lifting an eyebrow. Apparently it's a shady but clean establishment... The rest of the party stays in the common room.
The elf goes upstairs, locks the door carefully, strips down and starts washing herself. Suddenly there's a noise at the window. Two hands are grabbing the windowsill - a cat burglar on his way up.
She grabs her bow. As his face appears, he gasps finding the room occupied by a butt nekkid elven lass, and she promptly puts an arrow between his eyes.
Upset at the intrusion, she unlocks the door, goes out, locks it behind her (to keep her stuff safe), and storms down to the common room to complain to the inkeeper about the intrusion.
GM: "It's noisy in here. People talking, some are arguing, one group in a corner are playing dice and being loud about it. All of a sudden the whole room goes TOTALLY dead silent..."

That's when the elf remembers that she didn't put on any clothes before she went down.

She bolts back up the stairs with a dozen horny thugs right behind her. Since her door's locked she must jump out the nearest window. Cue a VERY public rooftop chase. People on the streets stare at the elf streaker up there, followed by a dozen drunken thugs determined to get to know her better, followed by the rest of the party trying to stop them.
One of us is killed by a thug who doesn't like the interference, I very nearly die failing a jump between two roofs, and the third PC gives up and skips town.
The elf shakes her followers and eventually sneaks away, wearing a stolen cloak and nothing else.
Use a maximized anti-magic device in a planes fueled by magic. A third of the population died when the flying castles fell
Not my party, but a friend of mine once told me how the Mage in his group had the most brilliant idea of how to stop two opposing factions on the verge of a civil war that could very well destroy the continent.
He cast the moon as a giant meteor in the middle of the battlefield.
Then that's justified. I mean, kinda shitty, but justified.

Like the lynching of a pedophile by an angry crowd.
Everyone's tiny! It's the Campaign for Equal Heights!
He's a good storyteller as long as the story remains within his limited bounds of imagination.

If he were really great, he'd be able to fit your character in and keep the whole thing fluff friendly.
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>I keep telling them that Murderhobo only works in dungeons
lost it, pic related

There was a time in a Vampire The Requiem game when we had just finished killing this bunch of thugs from a human trafficking ring in search of clues for the current plot thread in the docks.

The Gangrel rich boy then had the brilliant idea of putting all of the severed body body parts in a boat and letting it sail away to get rid of them.

Right next to the Louisana coast sea.

The Sheriff wasn't too happy about that.
My entire party is an idiot.

>be me, female elf archer healer generic
>other players palidin with horse
>last player is giant atamaton
>walk into a bar, atomotan gets into arm wrestling and drinking match, procedes to kill almost everyone in the bar
>Walk into next room looking to get away, palidin at my side
>find a strange magic door, spend an hour trying to open it
>palidin calls his horse in
>horse picks up a top hat
>horse speaks (DM takes control)
>"So a horse walks into a bar, and unable to comprehend the complexities of the human language shits everywhere"
>horse shits everywhere and smashes the hat
>blood, shit, and a horse grinning now sitting in the bar
>party is laughing so hard

I have more.
I had finally forgotten that fucking thing. Why would you post that?
This leads to players who paranoidly obsessively check absolutely everything, like they have a checklist that they'll go through in EVERY POSSIBLE ROOM. That's no fun.
Aaaah, so it's a game of Fatal, is it?
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>Caused the end of the world by jamming the macguffin into the antimacguffin
Cointinuing above quest. No it's not Fatal. It's whatever DM feels like.
>Finally open door
>It goes to inn rooms
>palidin and metal man grab a bed and break down doors searching for.. something
>NPC gets mad
>atamaton tells the NPC I'll buy him drinks
>NPC walks up to me
>Ask NPC to buy ME drinks, roll nat 20 +speach bonus
>DM asks me how many drinks I take
fuck it. 20 drinks.
>Fail every time
>Passed out drunk
>NPC drags me up to his room. Atomotan stops him.
"Wait..... Use protection"
>Gives NPC bearskin condom
>wake up naked and sore
>roll disease check for AIDS. Pass. Good.

Vow revenge on atamaton.
More... I'm bored.

>Walk out of my room.
>Look out the window
>See the horse playing pool with the palidin
>Jump out window
>Break ankle
>cure light wounds

>atomotan walks in with a large map that clearly says "MAIN QUEST" with a marker to a nearby town
"GOOD NEWS, I KNOW WHERE WE ARE GOING. [not main quest place]"
>DM interrupts.
"The map changes before your eyes to direct you to [place atomoton just named]"
>metal man wads up the paper
"See, it knows where we are going"
>on an adventure on the high seas
>out to destroy a pirate settlement
>on the way there we raid a few ships
>I end up with a gnomish hand cannon
>oh god is my dick hard
>later on reach the settlement, we've actually picked up another ship at this point
>I am on this other ship, by the way we have no idea where the other one is and it's pulled by sharks, long story
>we come to a fire where a few people are around
>barbarian and rogue throw a body to distract the sharks while they swim to shore
>fuck that I have a super negative swim mod, I'll chill here and cast spells next to the ranger
>combat goes incredibly well and I'm set to finish off the last guy but I'm out of magic missiles
>screw it, I can see this guy doing this with his low wis
>hand cannon the final pirate
>fuckhuge bang reverberates off of the island cliffs
collectively fail a +5 roll and drowning in a magic fountain.

Our gm just sighed and leaned back.
>so now it's only a matter of time until the entire settlement is here
>it was troublesome to get this far, they can't even get back on the ship
>they're pretty screwed, try and fail to bluff their way out of it
>rogue surrenders, barbarian books it
wait, I can help out
>take out and BLOW ON the signal whistle
>my plan here was just to kill them all with alchemical fire
>like 10 pile onto the small boat
>they toss the rogue on the bottom
>end up just throwing the fire anyway leaving them all to either stay and burn or sink and be eaten by sharks
so that's the story of why our rogue had to reroll, at least I made it easier for the other group
We read the Necronomicon in CoC. THE Necronomicon. After all of us finally finished screaming and tearing out our hair several months later, we took a razer blade to the binding, scanned the pages, and uploaded it to 4chan.

The world ended.
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>Not defending THAC0 from that scrublord cuntbag.
...My party did the same thing. I mean, we didn't damage the bindings, but we scanned the pages and uploaded them to 4chan.
Did the world end?
>Not outright killing the sanic the edgehog there and then...
Pretty much. It probably didn't help that we encouraged some rich guy to donate copies of the book to every library he could.

Insanity is a hell of a drug.
Fucking storytime nigger.

Glad we weren't the only ones to do something that stupid. Our justification for doing it was the tried and true "OP won't deliver" line. Boy did we deliver.
I should have, but we had just made characters that day and I didn't feel like doing it again.
>Hey /x/ we've got the REAL FUCKING NECRONOMICON, want scans?
>Bullshit, OP is a lying faggot
>I'll show them... I'll show them all!
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This happened in a hero system game I was running last year.
>Modern setting akin to Detroit, except everyone has super powers
>Party is supposed to be investigating a drug dealer
>Instead of waiting for the last member of the party to get off work (his secret identity was a police officer) they go investigate the ghetto, at like 11:00 am.
>End up investigating a strip club, again at like 11:00
>Party completely disregards 2 thugs that seemed like they had information after they go to the private section of the club
>PC playing a female android spies a vacant stripper pole and begins twerking on it after googling how to do it in character.
>Crowd gathers and throws money everywhere
>Owner comes out and demands a cut of the money
>Party refuses and instead starts a fight with him and his bouncers (all low powered civilians)
>2 PCs have actual guns and maim several civilians
>Cops arrive, including one the PCs still on his day job
>The entire party is arrested for destruction of property and assault by another party member
>my face the entire time
Maybe he hoped the second one would be weakened from the fight and wouldn't be as bad
>that one guy in the party who always has 'an idea'

>"You see an adamantite door"
>several party members insist on dismantling and selling the door even after the dungeon is cleared

>ambushed, bard uses some musical ability that effects everyone in a radius
>ends up fascinating/stunning/whatever as many party members as enemies

>Neutral Good character
>Enters a marketplace, immediately tries to steal something from one of the stalls
>Not because they had anything valuable, just went 'i roll sleight of hand to steal something' for shits

>that one guy in the group who always has 'an idea'
Just end me.
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>First time playing Pathfinder
>There six of us, A Fighter, 2 Monks, 1 Alchemist, 1 Cleric, and one Sorcerer.
>Fighter is old man, cleric is rping his best friend, Alchemist is a traveling teacher, Sorcerer's name is Mal Prac Tis, one monk is a Monkey-man from across the sea.
>The other monk is a dwarf with 20 starting wisdom and 9 charisma
>he's an asshole
>Fighter and Monkey-monk are having a drink, because Fighter had some gold to spend and drinking alone is bad
>Asshole monk saunters over and says "What's up bitches?"
>Fighter and Monkey look at each other and decide to punch out the dwarf
>Surprise round
>Fighter rolls a 5, misses pathetically
>Monk rolls a 20
>confirms crit
>rolls a 4
>The Dwarf is OHKO for the first combat and is eternally made fun of.
>Is still a goddam asshole
>Playing TAROLD the Gnomish Cleric
>Partied with a half orc berserker, a human rogue, and an elven ranger
>Chugging behind the group because the fucking halforc player won't carry me and I have most of the loot
>They get into a large room with a chasm, I'm still in the hall behind them
>Oh shit, there's a fucking wizard in there
>Oh shit, the door sealed behind them
>I'm stuck outside
>I'm the only one with ammo left for his ranged weapon after the ranger lost his quiver to a goblin throwing firebombs
>Wizard proceeds to just blast party from across the chasm while lobbing insults
>I get swarmed by goblins we were trying to outpace, only just survive
>Find another entrance after backtracking
>Party is dead/dying, I shoot wizard once and he dies
>Party bleeds out before I can get across

I blame the half orc.
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>Party is in a huge cathedral
>Each member is separated and must undergo a trial to continue on
>Gnome is walking down a long hallway with a bottomless pit
>Manages to leap over the pit, where he finds a scroll in a secret alcove
>He reads the scroll
>"Summon River"
>The hallway is flooded and he's dumped into the bottomless pit
>Tries to save himself by summoning a large ogre to break his fall inside the pit
>Lands on the ogre and breaks all of his bones
>The water falls from above and drowns what remains of his body
>VERY low powered Black Crusade game
>basically playing civilians with a month's worth of training in combat and heresy
>get dropped in some random hive, told to find the existing heretical elements and "prep the world for invasion"

The whole thing was (mostly intentionally) one big comedy of errors. Highlights include one party member getting arrested two or three times in the course of trying to find the black market (never succeeded) and my character getting her right leg chopped off after being an ungrateful bitch to a group of Khornates
>looking at a scroll instantly uses that scroll
Your GM is a faggot.
Nah, when I said he read it I meant that he chose to use it. Poor choice of words, my bad.
Deathwatch party. We are hunting a rogue inquisitor all over Jericho reach. We've been hunting him for years now. We finally get a lead in a nearby system. After exploring an abandoned research facility we decide to form up this huge plan.
>Equip nearby imperial fleet to help them attack a Tau occupied world
>Convert a ship to look like a civilian transport
>Cram 5 marines in it
>Get hailed by Guevesa control tower on approach to the planet
>Bluff our asses off to get on planet
>Land in an industrial area
>Get off hide from a tau patrol
>Snap the neck of a lone tau standing guard near our landing pad
Guys... Why are we here?
To hunt the inquisitor
Yeah but why are we on this planet?
uuuuuuhhhh....... good question...
>Bottomless pit
>Break his fall
I figured people would understand when I mentioned the ogre. It was large enough that it could grab onto the walls of the pit and hang there.

> Party finds themselves in bum-fuck fantasy antarctica
> Shit went south after they convinced the local high level cleric to get in a soul wrestling match with a demon lord
> Suddenly, dragons everywhere
> The party manages to chase off one dragon on their way to the dwarven stronghold

> Give them 8 dwarven flame lances for white dragons
> They take 3 with them for their five members
> Manage to get inside the walls just in time to wait out the yeti hordes
> Decide that mass combat isn't worth it and let the dwarves deal with everything

> Depart the town shortly after the yeti hordes break
> Big surprise, as they are going back the way they came, a white dragon arrives to beat the tar out of them
> They barely survive the fight
> Complain that it wasn't fair
> Also complained that the dragon was played "fucking stupidly"

> Next session party decides to split on the side of the mountain
> Half of them stay behind to start sawing apart the dragon corpse for loot
> Go to great efforts to tell them how many minutes this will cost them
> They aren't dissuaded and spend 10 minutes on the side of the mountain picking at the corpse
> A demon shows up and systematically kills/immobilizes all of them in the most tactically sound way possible

> Tries hostage trading with the party who went back on hallowed ground
> They proceed to bungle the deal
> Player who is KO'd starts pointing out again and again how the demon should be killing the party with his long range attack
> Rest of party dies to the long range attack

> I am blamed exclusively for the whole debacle
Woooooooooooow your DM sounds like a faggot

That second one strikes a chord with me. Was running a homebrew fantasy campaign wherein one of my players decided to play a "succubus" (a half-demon human, but whatever , if he wants to call his character that I'm not going to stop him on some technicality) with giant bat wings. They're on this diplomatic mission to negotiate between these "northmen" (the mixed descendants of elves, gnomes, and humans) and the snooty, capricious, frequently-warlike "high elves". Now, in the mission primer and once or twice since then (all in that same session) I'd made it very clear that they did not like demons. Like, more than most people--their old king had messy divorce from their old queen, and now rules as the god of the dark elves from his throne in Hell, and the dark elves are their main political rivals.

So the succubus and her teammate (a half-dragon martial artist playing the whole Buddhist monk kung fu thing to the hilt) roll up on the high elf camp while their party members are off getting drunk with the northman chieftain. The elves stop them at the edge of their encampment to inquire as to who they are, and admire the succubus' fancy and impractical veil/hat combo (their society is fond of impractical and ostentatious headwear), and they assume the martial artist to be her servant, because he is dressed plainly and has no hat. he's grumbly, but puts up with it, and she hits it off with the guards. Everything's going well, and they sidestep a few awkward questions about their political affiliations and such. Then, they ask the succubus "just out of curiosity, what even ARE you?", because of her giant wings, and explain they "just want to know so they can assure everyone in the camp that you're 'the right sort' to attend the party".
>"oh, I'm terribly bored from our journey, and I've been needing to do some reading."
>Oh I'm sorry, after that work to get here your party is so boring, I think I'm going to read instead
Somehow I feel like this is a way to get kicked out of said party.

The player's response? "Well, since you ask, I'm a demon!" Everyone at the table just fucking went silent and stared at this shmuck, and I had the guards do a double-take so he could clarify or take it back or spin it into a joke, but he just said "but it's okay, I'm a nice demon!" he said this to the codnescending racist snobs who SPECIFICALLY hate demons, then was surprised when a fight broke out. Then, rather than turn himself in or explain he was there on a diplomatic mission or anything, he killed a guard, knocked out anotehr, cursed two more, and stole their spears before running off cackling into the night.

The other players just totally lost interest in the campaign after that, because they'd actually been taking the mission seriously and making decent progress.
>(their society is fond of impractical and ostentatious headwear)

Top tier worldbuilding
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>DM gives us a bulletin board of odd jobs to do around the city
>Dungeon crawl, escort a caravan, and farm cabbage
>"Okay guys, I'll tell you this. One of these options will open a portal to the Nine Hells"
>Decide to do the dungeon crawl because it's the most obvious
>Not even 10 minutes in three of us have Mummy Rot and the others fell into a bottomless pit
>"You guys should have done the cabbage"
>mfw we all died because we didn't farm fiendish cabbages
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>we all died because we didn't farm fiendish cabbages
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A player in my group has ended at least 5 campaigns by killing himself. 2/5 of those times were of him killing himself for no reason.
>Alone on the ship
"I put my shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger"
>Alone with the paladin near monsters
"I get their attention and run back to the paladin." Who was 2 points of health away from death, mind you.
>Just killed an Ork Warboss in melee.
"I ram the chainsword through my head"
>Finished combat with 8 giant eagles.
"I jump off the cliff."
>Druid talks some predators into letting the group pass.
"I taunt the predators into attacking me"

>mfw he hasn't been removed from the group.
Fed 26 Astral Diamonds to a horse

It became a god, aka a DMPC cure-all for stupidity and going off the rails.
Stupid ME story, but keep in mind this was the first time I had played D&D ever, and didn't know what things were.

>be a level 5 dwarf.
>fall into a cave.
>Beholders! beholders everywhere!
>tell me if I give them my family axe, they'll let me go.
>Think "DM would never throw me in a cave full of things I can never beat!"
>disintegrated first round.
Two of my party members shot themselves, with their electricity/light powers. One, then the other a day later. Mind, the second had mocked the first one.
think pluto
Maybe he was trying to tell you something Anon

Or he was just an asshole
A buddy of mine told a god to fuck off and got banished to a pocket dimension so don't feel bad anon.

and he was a vet player
Definitely an asshole.
But it's nice that you didn't assume the worst right off the bat.
>I only play hugbox games and you hate story if you don't

get a load of this guy
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Hijacked a delivery truck filled with comatose patients on their way to a sacrifice ceremony to an elder god. They left the driver alive and unrestrained, so the cult driver called up his cult buddies at the docks and told them he had been hijacked.

They showed up that evening in the stolen delivery truck wearing the ill fitting truck driver's clothing, with themselves smuggled in the boxes as the comatose patients

The cultists just opened fire on the van, it was almost a total party kill because they had again, locked themselves in boxes to mimic the coma patients and couldn't get out of the way

To this day I still don't know what their plan was
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>GM:You find this strange pulsating goo oozing from the ancient book and-
>PC:I eat it

That's a fucking hilarious level of "wait, did we forget something?"
The three in the back got shot with lethal hits, one of them died outright from the shells, the other passed out

The guy on the roof of the car was fine

The driver with her last action floored the gas after the shooting started, she took too many lethal hits and died with her foot on the accelerator

So the car went off the docks and started sinking, good for them because the cult guys just reloaded and sprayed into the water

So the driver was dead, one guy passed out, the other two heavily injured and their medic was fine. They carried the bodies to shore, the guy who passed out bled out and died.

They had to hide out under the docks and then make a run for it because the cultists were searching the beach for them to wash up on shore.

It was pretty brutal. But at least they delayed the ceremony.
Dunno. The potential GM has been rather busy working night shifts and caring for his son. Would like to do a mercs campaign, though. Thinking Alch/Theif or Alch/Spy, so I can somewhat avoid combat, while still supporting the other players.
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Half stupid, half brilliant

>Level one quest with a bunch of rookies
>have a quest to convince an evil carnie to give us a crippled kobold to save the world, etc.
>DM clearly wants us to fight evil carnies, we clearly want some shenanigans
>Find a potion master
>Ask for "potion of persuasion"
>DM humors us
>"It's 100,000 GP"
>"How effective is it?"
>"Drink some to prove it"
>Base 20 diplomacy
> DM's face when
>Potion master drinks it all
>"Give me all of your potions"
>Become persuasion gods, finish rest of campaign using only diplomacy and sleight of hand
>GMing a mutants and masterminds game
>Party consists of a Fire Elemental, Electrical Dude, Size Changing Warrior, and a Magic Robot.
>Dealing with a bank robbery, against a guy who can sort of walk through walls, and his minion spider-bots
>Fighting through the bank, 2 heroes (Fire and Electric) are in the vault with the villain.
>The other 2 (Robot and Giant) have left the bank to go and collect their pizzas, which they ordered earlier.
>They put the pizzas in their car and the robot drives off.
>The robot can't drive at all, and drives through 2 fences, scrapes against the side of a building, and falls into a water treatment plant.
>This just so happens where the other heroes have beaten the villain.
>The car is now underwater, so the robot gets out the throws it back onto land.
>The car is wrecked, and they have no easy way for the group to get back to the HQ.
>So the Robot has a brilliant idea, so he sticks his feet through the floor of the car, everyone piles in, and he walks it back home, Flintstones style.
Was the pizza OK?
Mostly, it was a bit squashed from having a TV fall onto it, a TV the fire guy had practically stolen.

Not as bad as some of these stories, and not the stupidest, but clearly in the stupid category:

>Groups "that guy" is a roguish bard.
>Convinces rogue to help pay ritual cost of Unseen Servant, in 4ed, the cost of the ritual components are like 20g (give or take)
>The plan is to use unseen servant to play music to distract peasants so bard and rogue can pick pockets of peasants.
>Bard and Rogue are level 5 and easily pick pockets.
>Loot total was like 2 dozen coppers, a radish, a few parchment pieces and a wooden toy worth a copper.
>Both are in shock that peasants wouldn't be carrying around 20+ gold on them to recoup their lose on component costs.
>Rogue says to split loot evenly, Bard says it's all his because it was his idea and he should recoup his loss before other players get anything.
>Arguing goes on for 20 minutes.
>DM and rest of party can't always hold in our laughter.
Schrodinger's Penis?
y-yes. Exactly.
DM's revenge for being interrupted
I think is ok
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These are all fucking stupid
What the fuck is an atamaton? An automaton? Why does your DM think a horse shitting everywhere would be entertaining?
That's an oak door, and he didn't roll a nat 20. it has stupid hardness, if you look it up.

Even if he was trying to break it, it had something like hardness 5, and hp per inch of thickness.

I was actually going to let him break it down, if he did enough damage.

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