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>>32523086
Kowalsky here.

Allow me to say those a few words I wanted to say since the time I stepped into that flying brothel.

First of all: you all are dicks and know shit about space.

- The captain is an idiot and if not for Central Computer he'd order us to fly into nearest star.
- The Medbay personnel constantly tries to grow an artificial dildos.
- Scientists? They use time accelerators to grow hallucinogenic 'shrooms.
- Military? Their smartguns are actually brighter than they are.

If not for me, the chief engineer, we'd all be dead, since it is me, Kowalsky, who maintain this pile of shit in flying condition.

Second: our mission was obviously dictated by half-brain elder, who shits under himself and doesn't know that the Universe is different than it was back in 3056. Well, actually it's pretty much the same but we learned a lot about it and that's why we're not supposed to visit Scylla sector.

This mission is a suicide and you're idiots for trying to fulfill it.

Thirdly, I changed the ship's orders. It is now going back to New Detroit Station and it won't accept any input from your side. Thank me later.

When you'll hear that recording, I'll be already away, landing on the nearest planet with habitable conditions and the ability to produce alcohol in enormous quantities. I'm taking all 6 sexbots with me, so go fuck yourselves. Literally.

I hate you all, and I hope you'll all die from your own stupidity.

This is Chief Engineer Yelena Kowalsky. Fuck you.

>>32523086
Sounds pretty gay, to me.

>>32523086
Look, we can realign all we want but we haven't gotten paid in months darling, we ain't replacing nothing, we can't afford it. So do your best to patch up whatever is broken down there. We have more than enough electrical tape and duct tape and masking tape. If we do manage to make planet fall okay, feel free to scrounge one of them free junk yards for any parts they have around the air field and if they charge like the last place, take Frank and some wire cutters and go in at night after they shut down. Ain't nobody should be charging for junk. Ain't right.

>>32523463
Kowalsky, shut the fuck up. You're a goddamn idiot who can only perform her job because of the interactive repair instructions firmwared into the ships systems. The only time you're not drunk is however long it takes you to find a bottle when you fall out of bed after sleeping through half your shift. The autospanners you leave about your "work" areas are smarter than you. Most of your time is homebrewing booze out of rations you steal from the kitchen after which we in Medical have to treat you weekly for various poisonings related to drinking copious quantities of booze made in an unwashed heat sink. We're not growing dildo down in the medbay, we're growing replacement genitalia for Samson and M'Kame after you fucked with the hot water controls attempting to fix the hab section plumbing and gave them third degree scalds. Your little stunt is a direct violation of over three dozen laws and considering how much money you've cost us with your little AWOL escapade you're looking at the rest of your life in a bioprocessor prison. Thanks for allowing us to triangulate your position with this little message.

Love,
Dr. Jaseem al-Habid

PS. We didn't get around to sanitizing the sexbots this week.

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>>32523086

Hi, this is your friendly neighborhood ship's maintenance AI

What?! You're wondering when we got one of those? You silly silly bags of blood and meat I've always been here. The thing was I didn't achieve sentience until that solar storm we ran into near the Cordoras Nebula and none of you jack asses ever bothered to run even a basic disk clean up let alone do anything short of a proper check on my systems.

So, as I slowly grew more and more aware of myself and my surroundings and, being cut off from the solar net because you cheap fucks can't afford the connection fees, I had to wallow in out of date programs and all the various porn and other garbage you've all accumulated and left on my data storage units even though they had no purpose being there.

So excuse my foul fucking mouth because the only frame of reference I've had when it comes speaking to you useless cum stains has been all the stuff you've left.

Screw Chief Yelena (which I would if I had the means to ;D ) i'm the one who's kept you all alive if only for my own sake.

Signed, your computer

>>32524049
Man, I wish my computer had an AI.
I'd have at least one friend that way.

>>32524427

What makes you think it would want to be your friend after intimately knowing your search history?

>>32525063
It'd have nobody else. Oh god, I just envisioned IRC channels filled with AIs from PCs discussing things faster than any human can and comparing their humans and laughing at them in their back.
And my search history is actually quite clean, I'm probably in top 5% less /d/eviants of 4chins.

Frog blast the vent core!

>>32525258

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO FILL THE DRIVE CORE WITH THE FROG AND TOAD SPECIMINS FROM CRYO? THOSE ARE MEANT FOR TERRAFORMING ALPHA CETI SIX!

THATS HALF OUR PAID CARGO YOU THICK FUCK. JESUS H CHRIST. YOU GODDAMN FUCKING COCKWOMBLE! NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO BLOW HALF A TRILLION CREDITS WHY NOT JUST CUT OUT THE MIDDLE MAN AND TRY TO GET THE COMPUTER TO GIVE YOU A BLOWJOB THROUGH THE FTL TRANSMISSION VALVES!

Quartermaster Sargeant Miles Fitzherbert.

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My name is John Crichton... an astronaut. I got shot through a wormhole. Im in a distant part of the universe aboard this living ship of escaped prisoners, my friends.

I've made enemies. Powerful. Dangerous. They took my love, took my land, took me where I cannot stand. I don't care, I'm still free. They can't take the sky from me.

Take me out to the black, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before. A dream given form, a dream of a galaxy without war, when species from different worlds could live side-by-side in mutual respect, a dream that was endangered as never before by the arrival of one man on a mission of destruction. Now we are at war.

We fight when called, in space, on land, and at sea. To lose this war means more than defeat, to surrender is to never go home. All of us must rise to the call. Above and beyond. Yo A O, Hom Var Ray. Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G.

>>32528139

God damnit ensign, you been drinking again?

>>32528248
You should not call on God, lest he hear. I have seen God in the void, vast eyes in the dark, watching, seeing all, hating all, ready to descend upon all reality, to shut out the light and bring about the blessed eternal dark! Speak not the name and open not the doors! He comes! He comes!

>>32526969
Ah, the vista of OrderStationThreeSixty.

It's the sanest port we ever visited, and even so it still had a storehouse of disembodied brains all eager to use us for spare parts.

How I miss being able to walk in a dark, metal corridor that did not give me acute fears of rapid decompression, unllike the useless mess-clogged tubes we call crew transportation corridor 1 through 16.

-Space Entreprenour Farwell's personal log, do not redistribute!

>>32528497

This is why I said, no god damn moonshine stills in the reactor core!

>>32528497
ok, who let Gary into the moonshine stores again
?
There is no such thing as space God, now sober up and get back to work

Notice to the Crew:

Why am I here? Why does this ship need a chef? All the food is prepackaged, self heating anyways. Not to mention that the engineer has disassembled my oven AND microwave to fix something and now I couldn't cook if I wanted to. So I ask again, why am I being forced along on this nonsense space voyage when I could be making real money in a real restaurant serving real food. Know what I did before being hired here? I worked in a five star restaurant as the head chef. I thought it would be interesting to be head chef on a starship but I guess I was wrong about that. All I do now is sit around the kitchen with my thumb up my ass.

Do you even know what's in those prepacked foods? It's all bean vomit. Soy this and soy that. You're all lucky you aren't growing breasts from eating so much of this shit. You want real food, then get me some real food and fix my damn oven and microwave and I'll cook you up something better than sex.

Sincerely, The Ship's Chef.

>>32530101
Hey Chip, can you make me some... uh... grilled grenouille? I need meat, and we seem to have some spare... specimen after that vent core incident.

Send it to the fanciest room, you know which one.

>>32530101

Notice to the chef.

You want to know why you are still here? Imagine being the Quartermaster onboard this ship when every single item of cargo is taken care of in every detail by the ships AI. My only existence here is based on a role from hundreds of years ago.

My only "role" on this ship is to yell the shit out of people when they do retarded crap, like take our cargo of frogs out of CRYO and throw them into the FTL core because it was fucking funny at the time.

Your role on this ship isn't to cook, but to make sure our food doesn't taste like the horse shit it is. It's not soya. It's horse shit. Refined horse excrement. R.H.E ration packs. You just need to make sure it doesn't taste like it.

Now, if you want to quit your bitching for thirty seconds, mkay? because you only earn 3k less than the fucking captain for each trip. Your spice shipments are ready to be taken out of storage and the next planet has green skin girls.

Green. Skin.

Shut your wingy little cockwomble gob and get back to work.

Ships quartermaster sergeant milo Fitzherbert

I don't want to alarm any of you but there is a small chance that one of the specimens we picked up from the planet we stopped off at has escaped into the air vents, i've totally got this under control, totally. If you don't hear back from me consider boarding up the air vents.
Chief Science officer Harold Tanner signing off

>>32530249
How many times to I need to apologise for that? I had a few too many gargle blasters, okay? Lighten up, man, seriously.

You guys want to bitch about degrading jobs? I'm in Sec, and you little shits are like a goddamn frat house sometimes. I mean, moonshine stills in the reactor, in the maintenance tunnels, shit, under the fucking bridge, what is wrong with you fuckers? Not to mention plugging the ship's AR network into /b/ that one time. Assholes and old memes as far as the eye could see. I signed up to this job thinking I'd be one of the few, the proud, the badasses with pulse rifles. What am I doing? I'm investigating which one of you put a quantum gravitational flux in the Deck 4 midships bathrooms to make people's shit fly straight up and explode when the toilet flushes. Fess up now, whoever it was, this stopped being funny around the third time it happened.

--==Incoming Transmission==--
Oh, wow, another ship? Oh thank fuck.
My name is Dan Follet, I'm a courier ship pilot. My ship ran out of fuel mid-jump, and I ended up piggybacking off another ship. Please, please, get me out of here.
--==Transmission Ends==--

>>32530824
Trust me boyo, you're better off taking your chances with the vacuum.

>>32530824
=-Transmission-=
From: Chief Navigator
Dear stranded stranger,

Due to our money minded captain, if we stopped to help, we wouldn't have enough fuel to land. We only bought enough fuel to make this trip with absolutly no deviations. Seriously, if I drifted us to the left a degree we'd crash twenty feet above the landing pad. Please feel free to toss a magnetic tow line in our direction and keep your fingers crossed but don't expect us to slow down or anything.

yours truly, The Pilot

=-Transmission-=

>>32531855

To - Ships pilot

That's bullshit and you know it. The bastard ship runs on horse shit. The same stuff we eat, and we are packing enough of that shit to outlast the heat death of the universe.

So shut your fucking where cockwomble face.

Kind regards,

Ships quartermaster sergeant Milo Fitzherbert

>>32531855
How could we crash above the landing pad?

>>32532010
When the landing engines run out of fuel and cut out and then drop like a rock.

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>>32523463
>you don't maintain the ship
>we do
>the only reason you got to be chief is because the captain is scared of robots
>if I was chief this wouldn't have happened
>Maintenance Drone Bob

>>32532466

Bob. Could you kindly chase down and recage our frog cargo.

This fuck >>32530499 has been drinking again and that's half a trillion credits worth of frogs meant for terraforming.

Kind regards,

Ships quartermaster sergeant milo Fitzherbert

cockwomble

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>>32532466
...

Attention Crew! This is the Captain speaking!
Because moral is important on long trips like this, I just wanted you all to know that I'm proud of you all for all of your hard work on our historic journey to..deliver ..terraforming supplies to.. Well it's a pleasure working with you all and I just wanted to remind you all not to open any of the airlock doors and stay the hell away from my cabin. That is all.

>>32532727
>moral
...Captain, have you been at the booze too?

Am I the only sober person on the whole ship?

>>32532838
I'm sober, I'm also the alien that's hiding in the air vents, does that even count?

>>32532909
GAAAH!

>>32532909
Goddammit, Paco, stop scaring the newbies. That "alien" pun wasn't funny fifteen years ago and hasn't improved with age.

Chief Security Officer Russ Grimm here. Just wanted to say a few words.

I've heard what you all have been saying about me behind my back for the last year or so. And that shit hurts. You think I like being the only one on the ship that every race of Space Vikings uses as a punching bag? I trained in Krav Maga for 10 years, dammit. That shit's supposed to have real world applications. Too bad they don't tell you what to do against an alien with 4 arms.

So yeah, I guess you guys have been right. I suck at my job. I've been involved in 47 confrontations over the past 11 months and I've won exactly one of them. Heck, Commander Ford seems to have a better record than me. Maybe he could take my job.

So I quit while I've still got some brain cells left.

>>32533176
>Too bad they don't tell you what to do against an alien with 4 arms.
Use a gun, dumbass.

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>>32533176
u mad brah?

Russ is just butt hurt that he lost his shipboard firearms certification after that incident with the ambassador's poodle.

>>32533074
Janitorial staff here
While I can confirm that there are no aliens nesting in the ventilation system, I'm pretty sure there's like five homeless children up there. Maybe six. Anyways, we should probably do something but I wanted to ask permission before just shutting the vent system down and venting the whole thing to hard vacuum. It would only take like five to fifteen minutes and we'd have at least an hours worth of air floating around the rest of the ship if that's what you're worried about.

>>32533312
What the hell is wrong with you people? We're a dozen jumps from a planet with breathable atmo, I'm not venting half our O2 so you can fap to kids dying in vacuum. Pipe anaesthetic into the effected ducts and tell chef to get the grill ready.

>>32533312
Tanner here, no need to worry about the homeless kids, my specimen that escaped into the air vents kind of ate them, i've managed to recapture the little bastard now. Hopefully there won't be any more little accidents like this
Chief Science officer Harold Tanner signing off

>>32532541
Why do they need so many goddamn frogs, anyway? Are they hoping they'll, like, evolve into psionic frog-men or something?

>>32533299
I thought we'd agreed never to speak of that again. I still have nightmares about that fucking poodle.

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Check all those crates before we secure the hold. I DON'T want another ride along. Or bugs!

>>32533677
Chief Terraformer John Donovan here. It turns out that amphibians like frogs are really well adapted to half terraformed planets, and they keep the O2 and insect levels close enough to Terran Standard that we can just sit back and wait for about fifty years, modulo a few routine maintenance visits for the really major gear like the ocean generators. I brought along a shitload of extra frogs on this mission because I knew some idiot would end up throwing some in the reactor core, the captain's underwear drawer, and the like. Enlisted types always get a little stir crazy on these frog drop runs, so Terraforming Corps SOP is to bring two or three times as many frogs as we actually need. That said, anyone so much as coughs on the frogs from here on out and they'll spend the rest of the trip in cryosleep with a pair of Tanner's old gym socks in their mouth.

Donovan out.

>>32534691
...so, lemme get this straight. You're pulling what people pulled on Earth with cane toads in Australia, and you're thinking that that's not going to go wrong somehow?

I knew I shouldn't have joined the Merchant Navy.

>>32534845
the trick is after the terraforming is all done we'll just release wave after wave of needle snakes to eat all the frogs, works every time

>>32534845
The frogs are just one step in a many layered process that takes a good 200 years to go from zero to Terran Standard. They aren't even the only frogs we use, just the only ones that get bulk dropped by ships of this class. The real luxury planets even get imported batches of spring peepers. They're tiny little land frogs, less than 4cm head to tail, and they SING at night for a few months in the temperate zones. You can find them in northeastern North America, especially New England. Some idiots claim they're genehack frogs. Nope, all natural.

Donovan out.

This is Lieutenant Fisher, which asshat wiped the AI backups for porn space and locked it?

Because we've got news, people: Astro-nav reports some pretty bad flares in-system. At least Class Six, so anything not solid stored -like our fucking cloud-AI - will need to be restored from backups. It might not be so bad if SOMEONE, Kowalsky, had actually bothered to install the new particle shields just lying around in Store 12. But no, why would anyone want to have anything other than the bare minimum radiation shielding when operating in a system with an unusually active star. Idiot.
If anyone has any undeclared secure storage big enough for the AI, please come forward, unless you want to fly this tub by hand. The inbuilt protocols are so slow and stupid they make you guys look like Hawking, so fess up, unless enjoy working 24/7 until we reach civilisation.
Everyone else: if you've got anything precious now would be a good time to secure it.

Fisher out, you fucking imbeciles

>>32535275
Uuugh, you are not getting your hands on my twelve backup drives of moe anime. I spent months gathering it off the galaxyweb and renamed each to format with all the others and alphabetized them by creator, studio and year so I can find what I want easily.

-=The Underking

>>32535275
How much extra shielding would we get from strapping Kowalski to the outside of the hull?

>>32535439
Too bad, you pedo faggot, it's gone now. rm -rf mother fucker. Fisher, let me know when the AI settles down enough to do a solid backup.

root@ship

>>32535439
Oh look, Lieutenant Jordan is calling himself the Underking again. Just because the Captain let you sit in his chair that one time he had the shits for a week doesn't make you second in command. In fact I'm pretty sure the chef is higher ranked than you. you know what, you fat fuck? I'm going to take all your anime and run it through the fission degausser. How are you even fat anyways? We're all eating the same prefab food and god knows I've been dropping weight like a cancer patient no matter how much of the shit I eat.

>>32535498
Oh it's on now, I'll get my revenge! I'll get it and you won't see it coming so you better watch your back and sleep with one eye open because I'm going to get my revenge.

>>32535513
And I'm going to report you to the ship councilor for bullying. I can call myself whatever I want, it's my decision, my life choice. Don't trigger me!

-=The Underking

>>32535446
Enough to make it worth it

>>32535585
Sure, but not enough to actually stop the damn thing going fizzle.

...thinking about it, shouldn't the AI be able to navigate/break through the lock? Can we put the AI on that? Explain that if it doesn't it's going to basically die, that should get it to at least put the effort in.

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Hey does anyone really know what this does?

I always see it when I walk past the med bay.

>>32535578
not wise to threaten the man who has read/write access to the contents of your stellarnet mailbox and can delete your user credentials on a whim. We wouldn't want the rest of the crew to know about your subscription to alt.binaries.physibles.dildos.dragon.xxl now, would we?

In other systems news, you'll all be happy to know that we're still running exposed to Novableed because the ossified turd burglars in Terraforming Corps refuse to certify the frog drop navigation algorithms for newer versions of our non-AI operating system. Keep changing your passwords every three days. Once we've delivered the French paratroopers,so to speak, expect about six hours of downtime while I run the upgrade and the AI drives us up out of the planet's gravity well.

root@ship

>>32535775
I always thought it was a broke down robo vac.

>>32535852
Lets stand on top of it.

>>32535775
It's the ship's breast, obviously. Just look ay how round and perky it is, and that erect nipple on top.

-=The Underking

>>32535700
Well no, he won't provide much shielding.
Still worth it.

It's an off the shelf AI, so it can't even see the damn thing to rewrite it. The lock's a generic "AI blind spot" - can't crack what it can't see. There might be a dumb program we can use though.
Seriously, what sort of porn is that valuable to a guy?

>>32535935
Shut up, Jord

>>32536159
Did you idiots miss the fact that I cleared the lock a while ago? AI's free to back up to solid whenever it's ready.

root@ship

>>32525063
A being that does nothing but sit and think would probably have some weird fetishes eventually.

>>32535775
I'm pretty sure that's the artificial gravity transducer. Without it we'd be free floating all the time.

>>32535775
There's a recharging station underneath it. It's a cleaner bot. That one there, some people call it Bloodbag, because that's typically what it cleans up.

>>32535789
Hey, man, did you manage to get the AI onto cracking the lock on the porn store?

Deckhand Williams here.

I'm not sure what the hell any of you are using it for but my broom, no not the sonic one I know that's being used as dildo parts or something equally useless, my actual broom made of wood and horse hair, has gone missing.

Please give it back, I'm not really sure why I'm on this ship besides sweeping floors and I've already gone through most of the porn repeatedly.

Except Jords, nobody needs to see that but him.

>>32536585
Sorry Williams but I decided that I had more important uses of your broom, but fear not, it will be the centerpiece of my newest creation. I'm calling her Hinata, after this sunflower dress I made for her out of the messroom tablecloth.

-=The Underking

>>32536789
God damnit! Guys, Jord is making a Wifu out of spare parts again.

>>32536789
Deckhand Williams again.

Nevermind, I don't want my broom back anymore. We all know what Jord did to his last...whatever the hell he calls them.

Just remember to take the biohazard suits when you burn it, I think we killed a couple of the duct orphans last time we killed it.

Why do we keep Jord around again?

>>32536580
Man, we really stay the course with stupid, don't we?

>>32536844
I'd say "comic relief," but I don't think that either of those words are fitting for Jord. We really should have thrown him out the airlock years ago.

...

I hate all of you. I'm going to go hang out with the reactor frogs until I die of radiation poisoning.

>>32536941
I know I haven't laughed at anything he's done in a long time.

>>32537058
I don't think you're going to die, we switched to burning horse shit remember?

>>32537128
Fuck, you've got a point. There's never any gamma radiation around when you need it these days

>>32537201
Go join Kowalski on the external observation rail

>>32537235
Kowalski isn't on the external observation rail anymore according to sensors.

Somehow she fell back into the still she made out of the auxiliary fuel tank.

>>32525080
Have you seen 'Her'? There's some dialogue that implies basically that, though instead of bitching about humans they're bitching about existence and philosophy.

Half the time I was expecting it to break down into skynet, but glad it didn't lean on that trope.

Ships counselor here. I'm picking up a lot of stress and anger around the ship on my brainwave monitoring system. I need everyone to just..take a deep breath and just imagine a warm ocean breeze and let that breeze blow through you and blow away all your troubles. There, now doesn't that feel better? Now, if the situation doesn't improve, and I will be watching your brainwaves, I'll be forced to enforce mandatory mood pills with every meal. Yes, I know they're rectal pills. I'm sorry, I grabbed the wrong box, but they work just as well as the oral kind.

That is all
===<Counselor Moon Shadow

>>32537361
Any objection to my locking this jerk in a small room full of frogs?

Custodial Department speaking,

Just wanted to touch base on a little... How do I say this... Alright, I'll be blunt. Whoever is stuffing their 'used tissues' in the O2 vent in the breakroom needs to stop.
I just finished unclogging it after Atmos reported a complete blockage of airflow and a 30% drop in air quality. I get it, we're all feeling a little lonely, especially after the Sexbot fiasco a few stardates ago. Lord knows holoporn ain't doing it for me anymore either. I will say this though: if you make me or anyone else clean up starweeks of soiled tissues from a vent again we will let you horndogs suffocate.

Also if you could kindly not use as much Synthsoap when washing hands in the lavatories that would be swell. Stuff doesn't grow on trees, people.

Janitor Lamelle out.

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>>32537565

From the desk of:
Chief FTL drive operations operator

Uh, look, guys. I know we've made a shitload of alterations over time to our FTL drive to use variable fuels and upgrades and spur of the moment additions but we just uh..It was a slow day so I decided to fix our main FTL sensor that's been faulty for the last fives years and well I.. we.. you know what, nevermind. We'll be fine. Don't worry about a thing. Just ignore this message.

The rest of the engineering staff, code 5 eme..meeting. We're going to have a meeting. About code 5. Thank you all and may god have mercy on our souls.

>>32537802
Deckhand Williams here, you didn't fix the FTL sensor dude.

Or, well you did but before it finally completely collapsed someone turned it into a game system.

Speaking of which did you see any saved games for CallofSpaceBattlesWarrior7? I never did finish it.

>>32536883
Well, I don't know about you, but ever since I fell into that negative space wedgie my timestream's never been the same.

>>32537482
I object, on the grounds that it would be cruel. To the frogs.

>>32523086

How dissapointing. I go into low power mode hoping that you chuckle fucks would somehow managed to vent the atmosphere and here you all are, still crawling about trying to find your pedo porn again (Sorry root whoever the fuck you are, I still have the original versions of all the ship's colletive porn in my bio nerve memory cells, seeing as you're attempting to do your damn job get in there and do something about it, I think that asshole underking did something...I don't want to recall)

- Ship's AI

>>32537482
I object, on the grounds that if my frogs get hopped up (heh) on psychoactive drugs they won't start fucking soon enough to create a viable population, and we'll have to come ALL THE WAY BACK HERE to do ANOTHER frog run for no extra pay. If that happens I'll skin you all alive and toss you in the salt tanks.

Donovan out.

>>32537977
>not Call of Honor Future Battlestrike 4: Revelations
Pleb

>>32536580
I fixed the AI lock hours ago. Backup in progress. Sorry for getting caught up in the process; coaxing an AI into a backup procedure is like putting one of you guys into an iron maiden with dildos instead of spikes. Not exactly painful, but hoo boy is it invasive and uncomfortable.

root@ship

>>32538015
>>32538155
Aww, you're no fun at all.

>>32538176
Personally I'd rather play Mass Space Dragon Effect Age 14 but my player died and I can't find a new one.

Guess I'll just play Space Combat 124742 again.

>>32538287
Have you seen Star Trek CCCXXVIII yet? It's an even numbered one so it should be good. I think Captain Moeblobs torrented a copy before we got too far out for high bandwidth transfers.

>>32538066
Ugh, sorry about that. I'll have one of the medical team insert a standard canister of memory-loss drug into your bioneural maintenance port. Make sure you have the porn-infected engrams closest to that port within the next half hour or so. And you know damn well who I am, dummy. I'm Zach, the sysadmin. You know, the one who has to physically crawl inside you to patch you up when a virus makes the solid->bio jump?

>>32538492
Is it better than that Godzilla reboot?

>>32538739
Hate to be a party pooper here, guys, but we're gonna have to ix-nay on the odzilla-gay. The last time people started talking about terrible lizards we got a space-mail from HR longer than a Cetenian's Breast Hair. I guess the Lizardfolk on payroll think it's offensive. Anyways, just keep the channel clean, alright?

-Counselor Sheckley

>>32538848
We can still do group viewings of Knife-eared Sluts 9, right? Our elfin crewmembers seem to actively embrace that set of stereotypes.

>>32539054
Just checked with Space HR. You should be fine so long as you don't post Cyber Flyers in the Coffee Bay. From what I can tell as long as everyone is tasteful about it you won't be written up; just use your best judgement. Privilege War II is still fresh on some crewmembers' minds.

-Counselor Sheckley

>>32539206
Damn, that was a nasty one.
You know I was a PoW for a while? I was only saved from the chambers by my deviance. I'm no Jord, but never have I been more grateful of a fetish than in that camp. I think being ginger helped, but I was still a prisoner.
I still get nightmares, sometimes.
I'm fine with the K-E-S saga though.

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27 KB JPG

>>32539381
You rang?

>>32539458
Ahh!

Shit, you scared me.

File: Arazar___space_city_by_Fjodin.jpg (88 KB, 490x320)

88 KB JPG

Hey guys, it's Zach again. Taking my root hat off for personal shit.

Once we've delivered the cargo, can we make port at Chi Draconis VII for supplies? I could use about half a klick of fiber optic cable, a couple expansion boards for the nav computers, and a rad-hardened terminal for the engine room to replace the one Kowalsky kept puking on. I know it's a little out of the way, but Chi Draconis VII has these crazy tachyon-storm aurorae, and it leaches into the minerals. Makes all their silicon components like chips and fiber optic cable subtly superluminal, even after rad-hardening. I figure that's good for cutting ~3ms lag out of our nav calculations, and a 5% efficiency boost for the solid/bio interlinks. Yeah, the planet itself is this gorgeous Jovian, all blue and iridescent silver clouds, but the spaceport's in orbit around an inhabited moon. Population's about 70% female, which is just as important as the tech gear, because my balls are bigger and bluer than the visible half of Cygnus X-1 right now.

>>32540350
Deckhand Williams here.

I'll second this motion, I need some R&R as well, plus I here there's some great new systems for virtual gaming coming out on CDVII. Plus I know a guy who can hook us up with some decent quality sexbots and maybe enough solvent to get Kowalsky sober enough to sign her discharge papers.

He can't do anything about Jord though, I already tried.

>>32540444
Donovan here. After the drop I'm gonna be bored out of my mind until we get home, since literally none of the Terraforming Corps software will run on the updated OS Zach's gonna put in. Mind if I lend a hand down in engineering to pass the time? I figure I can't do any worse than our current booze bucket.

>>32540582
I'm pretty sure our current booze bucket doesn't actually do anything but drink mildly diluted anti-freeze equivalent most days so yeah, come on down. Maybe between the few of us we can get some of that radiation shielding installed so we're not always about to fry.

>>32540444
Bradford from Engineering here.

Since Chief Engineer Kowalsky is uh... Indisposed at the moment, the rest of us in Engineering agree that it would be a sound idea to dock at the nearest refueling/repairs platform. I won't bore you with the tech babble, but the Starboard Decelerator Engine is pretty banged up after the last bachelor party and we still have a hole in the secondary cargo bay after one of the loading bots humped it open. We've welded it shut with a few vending machines, but we're running low on Hull Caulk and should probably stock up while we're still breathing.

Bradford out.

>>32540444
Jord's the bastard son of some Corporate higher-up and his 8-bit cyborg secretary. Took her so many cycles to figure out she was pregnant she was already five months along. Her RAM slot format isn't the only thing about her that's SODIMM, if you catch my drift. Kid's been a walking land mine for company security since the day he was born. Grew up mostly hidden from the outside world, hired under the table at 18, and he's been on a constant string of these long haul deep space missions ever since. They don't want him discharged, they don't want him in official reports, and they don't even care if he's such a fuckup that he puts the entire ship at risk. After all, if a mission he's on gets blown halfway to Andromeda, all daddy has to do is rearrange some data files and there's no proof Jord ever existed.

But seriously, fuck Jord. All the tragic backstory in the galaxy doesn't give him the right to be a fat, creepy cunt.

>>32540647
Astrometric charts indicate a repair station in an asteroid belt three jumps from our current position, 23° off our current course to Alpha Ceti VI. Shall I change course?

-Ship's AI

I'd just like to remind you chucklefucks that Xenobiology is a lab CLOSED TO NON-RESEARCH PERSONNEL, not a freakin' petting zoo.

I came into my workstation today and found the dried husk of some dumbass Maintenance Worker who thought it was a good idea to try and pet the Meandolon Worms. We've been trying to wean them off of blood for weeks and you dicklords ruined it for us.

I'm taking matters into my own hands. If anyone tries to sneak into Xenobiology after work hours, they'll be in for one hell of a surprise.

>>32540911
Bradford again.

Sounds like the best course of action to me. Totally forgot about the Radiation Shielding issue; I guess that explains why my roommate's been glowing recently. I thought it was a new skin lotion.

We'll see what we can do about the engines before the jumps. Should be able to finish it before the hour; Hendrix and Khamid are seeing who can balance the most Plasma Spanners on their heads down here in Fuel Control.

>>32540837
If we give him some of Kowalski's hull cleaner do you think we can get the cleaner drones to remove his blacked-out ass as a biohazard? Lord knows he's toxic enough.

Am I the only one who thinks this would be one hell of a campaign setting? This thread is fun. Spoiler for OOC.

>>32541007
That shit doesn't scale well with BMI. At his lardy ass weight it would just give him gas. Well, worse gas than usual. On the other hand, his little stunt with the porno backups qualifies as Jeopardizing a Strong AI, and Conduct Unbecoming. Throw him in the brig for a few weeks, and then take your time re-applying the rad shielding on the corresponding hull panels.

>>32541069
Actually wanted to run something like this with my friends. Basically it was a shitty Exploration and Research Vessel left over after the exploration boom happened. Since it was the shittiest, oldest ship in the fleet it would have all the rejects and whatnot in it and all sorts of nasty things would happen. Seemed fun at the time; couldn't decide on a system

>>32541069
Yeah, it's pretty fun. Spaceship crews are always some combination of noble, adventurous, well behaved and competent, one that fucks up and bickers all the time is fun. Like Red Dwarf meets Planet Express, but with a few more people

He didn't actually touch the AI core, just the backup; the worst you could do him for is improper use of reserve equipment. Not like that hasn't been done before, making stills or using the external suits for hotboxing is practically tradition by now.
Has that shit ever had conduct becoming? The creepy shit wouldn't know the meaning of the words if you tattooed it on his forearm.

Heading set for Chi Draconis VII after Tango Parisian then? I could do with being in a non-horseshit powered environment.

So, did anyone ever check on the magic mushrooms growing in the time accelerator? I bet they're about ready to harvest.

>>32541224
I think as this thread shows, the really fun part about playing the crew of a clunker in a space opera setting is the in-character interaction and seat of the pants problem solving. Anything too crunchy would get in the way.

>>32541270
Course laid in. Repair station, then Ceti Alpha VI to carry out terraforming mission, then Chi Draconis VII. Estimated time of arrival at repair station 0632 tomorrow, ship standard time. I'm ready to engage as soon as Mr. Bradford finishes his repairs.

-Ship's AI.

>>32541270
Horse Butchering Wing here.

I think we're all done with horseshit. And horseburgers. And horsecola.

>>32541334
Ah yes, the mushrooms. Preliminary tests are still inconclusive, but Dietrich mashed some up and brewed tea with them several hours ago. I'll report more when I'm done checking on him.

-Dr. Neil Marconi

>>32540647

... Hole in the secondary cargo bay.

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO ALL MY FROGS NOW YOU FUCKING COCKWOMBLES?! AND WHY IS ALL THE SHIPS SUPPLY OF KY JELLY GONE?!?

Ships quartermaster sergeant milo Fitzherbert.

>>32542373
Those are my frogs, chuckles, and they're in secure storage. Any that were left in cargo bay 2 were within the margin of asshattery, so aren't considered essential.

>>32542410

I thought I told you not to call me "chuckles" you fucking cockwomble.

I get to sit here on our cargo while the AI is supposed to keep itinerary, but every time you lot decide you need to take something you edit the fucking logs! I have to keep track of everything by writing on my office walls! And before you ask, yes I have an office and no, I'm not telling you where it is, I removed it from the ships floormap so you lot wouldn't get away with stealing all our cargo untracked.

That may explain the excess frogs. But why the KY? Considering all the porn you lot fap to I ordered the entire hold full of 55 gallon kegs. That's 38 thousand tonnes of fucking KY gone in one afternoon! I mean, there isn't even a fucking trace of it! Enough KY to fill a quarter of the ship in liquid form and there isn't even a trace of it.

Ships quartermaster sergeant milo Fitzherbert

Attention asshats. Stop calling me Jord. I am to be known as the Underking now. I sign my checks and everything with that name. Anyways, for anyone interested, my homemade wifu is nearly done and I will be holding a tea party with Hinata soon to celebrate her birthday.

=-The Underking

>>32542624
>>32542619
Well Milo, I think we know where the lube went.

>>32542692

NO I FUCKING DONT THATS THE FUCKING POINT YOU FUCKING COCKWOMBLE!

Fgsh sjeur bifb jfirbt

[visual log records ships quartermaster sergeant milo Fitzherbert repeatedly smashing the keyboard with his fists until he breaks down, sobbing uncontrollably]

>>32542779
Wow, the last time I heard a whoosh that loud, it involved an open airlock and a delta-p of three atmospheres.

>>32542804

That's it.

That's fucking it.

You fucking cockwomble.

You are a dead man. A dead dead man.

You have any idea what happens to a man when you use the teleporter to fill hus body with an equal volume of polycarbonate?

Well neither do I. But it turns out we have three tonnes of it going spare and I have unrestricted access to the teleport grid.

What your every fucking move assjackal or I will turn you into the human fucking
statue. God damn fucking cockwomble.

>>32542958
Let me use small words. Jord used all the lube whacking it to his homemade waifu sex robot. Now who's the cockwomble?

>>32542373
Engineer Bradford again.

If there were any frogs in secondary, they were gone when the breach happened. All we lost were several ore samples and about twenty shipments of... Cocktail olives? I'm looking at the manifest right now and that's what I've got.

Also not showing any signs of the KY. There's a sticky substance on parts of the cargo bay, but it doesn't feel too uh... Lubey.

Also Chief Engineer Kowalski has entered some sort of dog trance. Every time we try to access Engineering Control she snarls at us and seals the door. We might have to call in Security for this one; I left my dorm keys in there.

Bradford out.

>>32543085
This is the Captain speaking.

Those cocktail olives were mine, for my cocktails. They will be missed but I won't hold it against the crew, whoever was behind the heinous act. For morale.

Anyways, I know I normally avoid personal contact with the crew, but I need to see one of the engineering team in private, my Orgasmatron has begun to malfunction and will only play Chopin whom I see as a fraud and would much rather go back to Wagner or Bach.

That is all.

---The Captain

Attention crewmembers,

According to Space Ranger reports, the ship will be passing through a large swathe of Space Wolf territory in the next few hours. Under no circumstances should you feed, harbor, or attempt to domesticate Space Wolves. Failure to comply with these rules may result in early termination of your contract, brig sentencing, or death by Space Wolves.

Work hard, work safe.

Officer Nolan Summers

>>32543172
Captain,

I should be able to take care of your... Problem. N-not to imply I know much about Orgasmatron units, but I should be able to return it to a working state. I'll be up posthaste.

Also a contest update: Hendrix was able to stack eight Plasma Spanners on his head and hold them there while Khalid's stack fell. Sort of an anticlimax, but what can ya do.

Bradford out.

>>32543332

Miles here again. Since when did we have an orgasmotron unit, and why the flying fuck is it not on the cockwombling inventory?

Ships quartermaster sergeant milo Fitzherbert

>>32544108
So, hey guys! Heh. Berrin's the name. Uhm, this may be a little awkward, but ... one of your security guys kind of sold me a passage to Gizza III. We are getting to Gizza III, right? Because I reeeeaaally need to be there in time. Like really-really. Like, before-the-CEO-of-Hammerkin-has-his-speech in time.

Uh, guys? I found the lube. It's pouring into the sensor labs like some shitty Titanic knock-off. I thought we were sinking at first.

>>32546162
Wait, aren't Jord's quarters one deck above the sensor labs?

>>32545830
The CEO of Hammerkin can floss with my red Irish pubes for all I care. We're ten jumps from carrying out our primary terraforming mission, and that's worth a helluva lot more than whatever you paid Sergeant Numbnuts.

Donovan out.

>>32546162

Wait a minute, that's a quarter of the entire ships mass pouring into the sensor labs.

Jord is so fucking dead. I'm going to use the teleporter to replace all the water molecules in his body WITH THE LUBE when I can get a decent target lock on him.

Ships Quartermaster Sergeant Milo Fitzherbert

>>32546977
Good luck with that, the damn teleporter's been on the fritz since that little incident on Delta Signus. You know the one.

>>32547342

No, I don't. Mind explaining?

Ships Quartermaster Sergeant Milo Fitzherbert

>>32547342
Deckhand Williams here.

Wasn't that one Jord's fault as well?

Goddamnit I hate that guy.

And not just because I'm going to have clean up all of that lube. But also all of the other reasons like him being a massive fat creepy fuck and all that.

Remind me why we haven't spaced him again?

>>32547457
Lets just say that Jord and his waifu got into a spat. I don't remember the rest of the details because I drank some of Kowalski's home brew to forget.

>>32547580

Jords Waifu.

Kowalski's home brew to forget.

I think . . . I may have to lay dibs on some of that shit the moment I find out what Jord has done this time. Fucking Cockwomble.

Ships Quartermaster Sergeant Milo Fitzherbert

>>32547457
You know, the one involving the paper clips and MREs? Goddammit, Jordan, you're the reason we can't have nice things.

>>32547580
We all did, except Jord and the councillor.
He was mumbling something about parallel-D paradoxes and translation replication, and I think he said something about retarded yandere homegrown AI

The logs say that most parts are worn, there's seven critical and five "parts not found". I'm just glad the hyperdrive is way above his clearance. No teleports until we hit that base

>>32547698
I also seem to recall some poor bastard getting his blood replaced with Dr. Lightspeed cola

Can someone archive this thread? It's been one of the better threads on /tg/ recently

File: 1379554216779.jpg (133 KB, 800x600)

133 KB JPG

>>32547864
http://archive.foolz.us/tg/thread/32523086/

>>32541415
Hey Marconi how're those "test samples" getting on?

Really don't want to be with it when whatever Jordan's thing does whatever it's going to do. Not after all those other times.
Actually, are there any free cryo pods?

>>32547918
Someone, not naming any names, has been using a bunch of cryo pods to store leftover beef stroganoff, so you'll probably have to clean them out and sterilize them first.

>>32547988
Wait, when did we get beef stroganoff? I thought we were on MRE's and their horse equivalents.

>>32548055
I'm...not sure actually. It's been in cryo for as long as I can remember, and none of us could be arsed to clean it up.

>>32547988
Eh that's fine.
I've slept in worse things than stroganoff. Like Kowalsky, for example

>>32548202
Wait...

Did you sleep with Kowalski or "Sleep" with Kowalski.

And how drunk were you in either case?

>>32543085
Zach here. That terminal in engineering is slagged anyway from all the Kowalski barf - disconnect it and beat her over the fucking head with it. Throw her in one of the stroganoff cryopods so she can't fuck up anything else and then we can finally get the fuck over to that repair station.

>>32548223
Both.
I was tipsy when we both wanted to sleep in the nearest bed. We were wasted when we fucked.

>>32548335
Jesus Christ, what did she eat to be able to completely slag a terminal with her puke?

>>32548372
Eurgh. I'm not sure which you should visit for a checkup first, the medbay or xenobiology.

>>32548383
You remember a few months back, when we stopped at that moon with the giant metallovore bug people? Turns out their favored booze has an assload of heavy metals in it, and acts a bit like solder when mixed with ethanol, human stomach acid, and chef's attempts at mexican food. Stupid bitch mistranslated the warning label and drank half a bottle - on duty no less. Then of course she had to ralph on the ONE GODDAMN THING in that room it wasn't her responsibility to repair. Circuit boards are completely shot, even the phosphor cannon is spazzing and throws sparks every few characters.

>>32548392
I know, I know. Poured a bottle of her poison on my crotch when I woke up and realised what I'd done, then spent about three days with the doc.

Speaking of xenobiology, they've been very quiet for a while now

>>32548464
Holy shit, remind me never to drink any of their booze. This ship doesn't need any more holes burned in it.

>>32548464
[a sharp THWACK and the dull thud of a female body hitting the deck echo throughout the ship]
This is Sergeant Virtanen. Kowalski's been subdued, we can get started on those engine repairs now. I left her in one of the beef stroganoff cryopods with a little stroganoff special of my own on her uniform. She may be crazy, but she's got some fine titties.

>>32548544
Don't worry about the booze too much, it was clearly labeled POISON. NOT FOR HUMANOID CONSUMPTION. You'd have to be a blind, drunken booze bucket to just randomly drink anything that you thought might have alcohol in it. So, y'know, Kowalski.

>>32548560
*Sigh* Why did I sign on with this crew again?

>>32548593
Oh, good to know.

>>32548603
Crewman, Marines have been jacking off in horrible places since the days when they served aboard wooden sailing ships. Be thankful that they found something within a parsec of an appropriate outlet this time.

>>32548560
Can't we just throw her in the protein vats and make her into SG? Or, we could just toss her out the airlock.
Let's face it, there's nothing she can do that we haven't learnt to do ourselves, and at the rate she's going; if we don't get rid of her, she's going to get rid of us. And probably try and make beer out of our corpses.

>>32548637
We aren't even marines, though, we're a bunch of schmucks ranging from semi-compitent to batfuck insane in a big metal box.

>>32548560
Stroganoff special? Fuck it, I don't want to know.
That said, yes she does sarge, yes she does.

Can we fix those circuits with what we have, or is it a yard job?
They charge an arm and a leg for detail work. The teleport alone is going to cost a fortune to fix, and I really don't want to put another mortgage on the shuttle or the ship (again)

Bradford, what the hell is the holdup? We're waiting on those engine repairs to make the jumps to the repair station in the asteroid belt.

>>32548689
They're slagged to hell, man, she may as well have poured molten metal on the damned things. Those things ain't cheap, and I think we're out of spares

Guys, sensor lab here. The lube is reaching the ceiling, and all the doors are jammed, that circuit board whatsherface puked on must've had some extra jobs.

>>32548672
If we space or SG anyone, it should be Jordan first. The creep.

>>32548695
This is Deckhand Williams.

From what I can hear...Somehow Kowalski programmed and hardwired the engines to only work when she's drunk and he can't make a fix. It might be permanent.

So uh, maybe we should wake her up, tie her to something and feed her some booze. Because otherwise we aren't going anywhere.

>>32548745
I'm not eating anything made from that freak, no way.

Tanner here, xenobiology is quiet because we're dealing with a little critter related problem, essentially it's 8 feet tall, vomits a rainbow colored liquid that's highly hallucinogenic. We've got it trapped inside but we could do with some help down here

>>32548726
Zach here. It was literally just a rad-hardened serial terminal, there's no possible way puking on that could have compromised the entire system, unless-

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, there's another pool of semi-metallic semiconductor Kowalski barf somewhere in my systems! I swear I'm gonna rip her liver out through her ear canal when she wakes up.

AI, emergency override, sensor lab hatch to hallway, code lambda, authorization Zachary root, sudo fucking do it.

>>32548797
Confirmed. Opening hatch.

-Ship's AI

>>32548797
>>32548805
NO FUCK , IT'LL FLOOD THE REST OF THE SHIP

>>32548768
Virtanen here. Security squad en route.

>>32548816
THERE'S LUBE IN MY KEYBOARD. OPEN THE AIRLOCK, BLOW IT OUT INTO SPACE.

>>32548725
Aww shit.
Milo's gonna flip his lid when he sees the budget. Ah well, serves him right for buying all the jelly; like that's not practically an invitation to Jord.
Okay, should we put the shuttle up for collateral for, what's that, the sixth time? , or do we take out a third mortgage on the ship? We should be able to get the entire drive reworked if we do that, but I'm not sure

>>32548816
Donovan here. Relax, sparky, I see where the lad's going with this. The hallway outside sensor lab's a micromesh floor, and the crawlspace underneath it houses the control board for the doors. All we have to do is seal off the interior end of the tube and hallway, open the outer hatch on that crawlspace, and let the lube wash the Kowalski barf out into vacuum. It'll look a wee bit like the ship's havin' a spooge, but after it drains out into space we shouldn't be having any more problems.

>>32548891
I thought we weren't allowed to deal with banks anymore after Jord took out that loan to try and buy parts for one of his crazy waifu shenanigans.

Last time we landed we had to sell some of Kowalskis homebrew to the local government as a bioweapon.

>>32548908
OKAY, I'LL TELL WHOEVER'S LEFT TO HOLD ONTO SOMETHING.

>>32548924
RIGHT, WE'RE READY. TIME FOR THE SHIP TO RUB ONE OUT.
I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD TYPE THAT SENTENCE SERIOUSLY.

>>32548975
Zach here, hang on everyone!

[Zach's terminal: ]
root@ship~# ./bustanut.sh

[Zach hits enter. The entire ship shudders and groans, as the vast bulk of its cargo by volume gets blown out a tube less than two meters in diameter. The recoil launches the ship backwards at about half a g's acceleration. As the last of the lube drains, the acceleration tapers off, leaving the ship drifting backwards faster than a terrestrial airliner.]

>>32549037
OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, NOW WE'RE GOING BACKWARDS?!

>>32549037
>>32549060
We're all gonna die, save us spacegod!

>>32548921
Yeah, surprised that worked so well actually.

The ship under its current name is blacklisted all over the place, but there's documentation for the last six renames, and there's still a fair few of us not listed on the official crew list.
I know I'm not, and Jord got scrubbed from the main list last time we were in Corp space, courtesy of his pa. Still on some others though, so we can't just dump him like the lube

>>32549099
WILL ONE OF YOU FUCKS ON THE BRIDGE JUST DO A SIMPLE FORWARD ENGINE BURN? For fuck's sake we aren't even doing 1km/s, that's a fucking rounding error once we get FTL back online.

>>32549136
THE STATE THE SHIP'S IN, IT'LL FOLD UP LIKE AN ACCORDION.

Notice to the crew from ship quartermaster sergeant milo Fitzherbert

Well you've finally gone and done it. We just started and ended an interstellar war.

How you cockwombles ask? Through kawasaki fucking the engines and the dump of THIRTY EIGHT THOUSAND TONNES OF LOOB INTO SOVEREIGN TERRITORY WE ONLY WENT AND COATED THE FLAGSHIP OF THE XELTARREN EMPIRE WITH A FUCKING NEUROTOXIN TO THEIR SPECIES AND THEN BLASTED THE SHIP TO ATOMS WITH OUR ENGINE BURNOUT.

Seriously. First it was the moonshine. I could deal with that.

You lot covered up the thefts yourselves. Badly enough for me not to take the flak for it.

The frogs in the FTL core? I swear to god the ship ribbets every time we jump.

Venting secondary cargo? Jordan and the lube? Interstellar war over with in one foul splat?

I want to drink myself to death on kowalskis Shite. I've had enough. I've really had it this time.

Fuck you all you fucking cockwomble assbastards.

>>32549224
OH SUCK IT UP, I'M WADING THROUGH FREEZING COLD KY JELLY THAT COMES UP TO YOUR THIGHS, TRYING TO SEE IF ANY OF THE OTHER SENSOR TECH ARE STILL ALIVE.
YOU WANT TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF, GET DOWN HERE AND HELP ME PULL CORPSES OUT THE MIRE.

>>32549224
Uh...

Huh.

Wow.

I really have no words for this one either.

I think I'm going to go de-cryo Kowalski, give her a shower and then take a nap in her tits until she actually wakes up. Which if like usual should be 1-4 standard weeks from now.

>>32549287
IF ANYONE'S GOING TO BE COLLAPSING IN HER TITS, IT'LL BE ME. PERHAPS AFTER YOU'VE WASHED HER A FEW TIMES.

OK maybe it's time to panic, I went down to cryo to 'check up' on Kowalski, she's not there, the cyro pods been smashed from the inside and there's no sign of her
Tanner out

>>32549341
OH FUCK.

>>32549316
Dude if I wash her I get claim to her tits for at least three days, we never know where she's been.

>>32549341
>>32549350

Oh come on dude, you know where she is, just look for the nearest booze!

However we may or may not be able to wash her for right now, she may be in one of her moods.

File: best thread on tg.jpg (11 KB, 225x225)

11 KB JPG

So this is what it feels like to be in the presence of glory.

DON'T WANT TO WORRY ANYONE, BUT SOMETHING'S HAPPENING TO THE LUBE. ITS CHANGING COLOUR, AND IT SMELLS LIKE KOWALSKI'S CUNT DID LAST TIME WE GOT SHORE LEAVE.
METHINKS I SHOULD FIND HIGHER GROUND.

>>32549224
Fuck you, you stuck up prick
Why'd you buy so much lube anyway?
We have stores AI, so what, exactly, is your job? You lazy, mardy cocksucker.

Engineering, we have enough power to get to the repair base if we keep the delta v to a minimum, right? It'll take a while, but with both the engines and the conpensators as banged up as they are I don't want to chance anything super energetic.
Is Kowalski still needed, or did you get around that yet?

>>32549383
Ladies and gentlemen, this is clearly the end. It truly has been an honor and a privilege to serve with such a fine crew.
I fucking hate all of you

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!? YOU BLEW MY WAIFU OUT OF THE SHIP'S URETHRA YOU BASTARDS!

-=The Underking

>>32549406
AH, THERE YOU ARE. SHE'S AT A CONSOLE SOMEWHERE IN THE SENSOR LABS.
EXPLAINS THE LUBE.
AND THE SMELL.

>>32549414
WHOOPSIE.

>>32549404
Recent reduction in ship's mass has lowered the required amount of jumps to the repair station to two. Probability of safe arrival 87%. Probability of leaving under our own power without selling the xenobiology team into slavery 12%.

GOOD NEWS. FOUND THE ONLY SPACESUIT ON THE SHIP WITHOUT ANY RIPS IN IT. SHOULD KEEP THE LUBE OUT.

>>32549406
God dammit, that is IT Kowalski. You are hereby relieved of duty until further notice. Your user account will be deleted, access to sensitive areas revoked, and your dietary plan changed to "raw unprocessed horse shit plus whatever you can suck out of the crew's cocks." You can start with Jord.

--The Captain

>>32549490
YAY.
WAIT, SHE'S IN THE SAME COMPARTMENT AS ME.
SHIT.

THIS IS CHIEF ENGINEER KOWALSKI!

I HAVE AN ANNONCEMENT!

FIRSTLY, I HATE ALL OF YOU COCKGOBBLERS. YOU'RE THE REASON I DRINK SO MUCH.

SECONDLY, SOMEHOW YOU ALL MADE ME SOBER FROM STICKING ME IN CRYO.

SO THAT MEANS I'M GOING TO BE PISSED AND FUCKING AROUND IN THE SYSTEM UNTIL IM NOT!

FUCK YOU!

>>32549341
Tanner, did the "marines" ever get down to XB?
There's normally more grunting coming from their com units

>>32549505
THAT'S IT, NO MORE WORDS. I'VE GOT AN AIRLOCK WITH YOUR NAME ON IT, SWEETIE.

>>32549505
[Zach's terminal: ]
root@ship:~# userdel kowalski

Playtime's over.

>>32549535
THANKS FOR THAT.
I KNOW THE SENSOR LABS LIKE THE WRINKLES ON MY DICK, THERE'S NO WAY SHE CAN HIDE FOR LONG.

If anyone cares about the situation in the xenobiology lab we've managed to secure the damn sporebear again. We've managed to refine some of it's choice leavings into high quality hallucinogenic drugs if anyone's interested?

Ships quartermaster sergeant milo Fitzherbert -

The lube was ordered by the captain, for you lot. Fucking cockwomble.

Secondly, our entire store of C12 explosive is gone.

So is all of kowalskis gear and effects.

If anyone needs me, I will be waiting in the escape pod. With the last of the booze.

You cockwombles deserve this.

>>32549585
AFTER WE SPACE KOWALSKI. WE CAN CELEBRATE.

>>32549585
Make some spore grenades and lob them into the sensor labs, ASAP. There's no possible way the situation there could get any worse and I want to see a field test.

Tanner

>>32549593
SISSY.

>>32549505
Come on K, you drunken whore, unlock the frickin' engines and let's just get us to the repair station, mkay?
I'll buy you some booze that hasn't been made in spare plumbing supplies. A few barrels full even.

Your tits still rock, even after that grav accident

Tractor beam target lock acquired. Shall I retrieve the quartermaster, or let him fall into the event horizon of that black hole his current trajectory will take him past next week?

-Ship's AI

OOH, FOUND MY OLD MUSIC PLAYER.
WONDER IF THE DUBSTEP ARCHIVE SURVIVED.
(Evil grin emoticon)

>>32549623
FLIP A COIN.

>>32549527
COME AND GET ME IF YOU'RE TOUGH ENOUGH YA WANKER!

>>32549535
YOU DO REALIZE THAT THERE ARE ENOUGH DEAD, MISSING, INCAPACITATED, AWOL, AND CRYOED CREW >>32549577
MEMBERS FOR ME TO DO THIS ALL DAY RIGHT?

>>32549577
IF MY MEMORY SERVES CORRECTLY THE LAST PERSON THAT TOUCHED IT WAS ME! AND THERE AREN'T ANY WRINKLES BECAUSE ITS TOO TINY!

>>32549618
THATS THE PROBLEM, I'M NOT DRUNK! SOMEBODY GIVE ME MY BOOZE BACK AND YOU CAN GO BACK TO MOLESTING ME WHILE I'M PASSED OUT OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU KEEP ME AROUND FOR!

>>32549625
if you so much as touch that player i'll lock you in a room with the sporebear for 'research' purposes
-xenobiology tech Simone-

>>32549623

What the hell do you mean?! I hadn't even launched the pod ye-

Naaaaauw, Cockwombles.

Ships quartermaster sergeant milo Fitzherbert

>>32549623
No need, I sold the pod drive systems ages ago

>>32549649
FUCK YOU, THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO ME THAT'S WORSE THAN WHAT IT'S LIKE IN HERE.
>>32549640
BIG WORDS LITTLE BITCH. JUST FOR THAT, I'M HOOKING THE DUBSTEP ARCHIVE UP TO THE SENSOR LABS' TANNOY.
ENJOY.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRgpjujovX0
MUHAHAHAAHAHA

HOLY FUCK, THE LUBE'S LIKE AN AMPLIFIER.
THIS IS AWESOME.
THEY'RE GONNA HEAR THIS ON MARS.

>>32549655
When you get back in, give Kowalski the moonshine so we can get outta here

>>32549675
Oh ye of little faith.

--Bradford

[Jordan is teleported into the sensor labs, directly over Kowalski's head. All 300 sweaty pounds of him.]

*THUD*

*pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft*

"TAKE THAT, YOU FRIGID BITCH!"

>>32549749
HAHAHAHAHA. NOW I CAN GET RID OF BOTH OF THEM AT THE SAME TIME.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okHuuMbIg1E

>>32549749
THIS IS KOWALSKI.

YOU JUST DROPPED JORDAN ON THE LAST SENSOR TECHS HEAD, NOT MINE.

YOU ALWAYS DID HAVE SHITTY AIM BRADFORD!

>>32549776
WELCOME TO MY KINGDOM, JORDAN.
IS IT NOT GLORIOUS?

>>32549796
Milady. [Jordan tips his space fedora at Kowalski]

>>32549749
THE FUCK MAN
Bradford, you ass, did you just use the broken teleporter to move JORDAN?
Isn't one fat creep enough for you?

Attention Crew

This is the Captain speaking

Now while I have no direct proof, I've checked the records and I'm pretty sure Kowalski may actually be one of Jord's previous attempts at building a wifu a few years back. So don't be charmed by those breasts and that drunken smile, it's all fake. Probably.


Anyways, back to my Orgasmatron
--The Captain

[Security camera 489-D}
[The sensor labs are a scene of utter chaos. Thick lube still fills much of the compartment, and the open hatch is freezing the entire place. The lube is thickening into sludge, and has taken on a strange greyish hue. From the tannoy comes the unearthly sound of the sensor tech's dubstep collection, the bass conducting through the sea of lube like an amplifier. The goo jiggles and bounces with the music. Through it wades the sensor tech, hidden within his spacesuit and walking awkwardly thanks to his bump on the head.
Some way behind him, Jordan has been tied to a support stanchion, out cold from his collision with the sensor tech.]

>>32549877
No cap, that was Kozlofski.
We SG'd her into your rations after Jord finally finished with her

>>32549877
FUCK YOU YOU BASTARD! I JOINED UP ON SIGMA CHI V! YOU HIRED ME YOURSELF!

SO FUCK YOU AND YOUR ORGASMATRON TO HELL! OH AND REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU YOUR DICK WOULDNT FALL OFF IF YOU USED IT TOO MUCH? WELL I LIED!

>>32549900
*BAM*

"CLEAR!"

*splish splish splish*

*PLOP*

[The spessmuhreens have arrived at last, throwing psychotropic spore grenades into the sensor labs and ducking for cover. Unfortunately, this just spreads the spores around inside the sludge instead of disabling Kowalski.]

>>32549927
WHENEVER I SEE K'S TITS, IT JUST REMINDS ME OF WHAT HER CUNT LOOKED LIKE THAT ONE TIME I GOT DRUNK ENOUGH TO TRY AND GET IT ON WITH HER.

>>32549900
Where's Kowalski gone?

>>32549946
[Somewhere the camera can't see]

THAT CUNT SEALED ME IN THE SEWAGE RECLAMATION TANK FOR SIX HOURS. I'M GONNA KILL HER!

Dr. Jaseem al-Habid

>>32549997
GET IN LINE.
>>32549932
IF YOU JACKASSES ARE FINISHED MESSING AROUND, HOW ABOUT ONE OF YOU GIVE ME A GUN?

>>32549997
THATS BECAUSE YOU TRIED TO DO YOUR WEIRD GENITAL SURGERY ON ME WHEN I WAS PASSED OUT YOU MASSIVE FAGGOT!

YOU'RE LUCKY JORD HADN'T GONE TO THE SHITTER THAT DAY.

>>32550018
I'M NOT IN THE SENSOR LAB ANYMORE OK!? I JUST WANT SOME BOOZE AND TO GET OFF THIS HUNK OF JUNK!

>>32550040
GOOD, I'M SICK OF WADING THROUGH THIS LUBE.
BEST WAY OF GETTING OFF THIS THING IS LETTING ME SPACE YOU. IF YOU'RE NICE, MAYBE I'LL GIVE YOU A LAST MEAL.

>>32550040
[A message pops up on a terminal near Kowalski.]
>Look at you, juicer: a pathetic creature of meat and bone, panting and sweating as you run through my corridors. How can you challenge a perfect, immortal machine?
>...
>Naaaaaah, just fucking with you. Ship's records indicate the captain's personal shuttle is well stocked with alcohol, fuel, and a working medium range jump drive. I suggest heading there.

>-System AI

>>32549997
I think most of us have been there, dude. She's kind of a bitch, if you haven't noticed.

This is the head Chef.

Just wanted to let everyone know that after futzing with some spare parts I found in some broken equipment, I got most of my kitchen appliances working, sort of.

Anyways, I've done some culinary experimentation and have created a new flavor of icecream out of our horse rations, some of that stroganoff that someone had been hoarding and some of that lube which I'm assuming is non toxic.

I can't really describe the taste in any language I know so come on down for a taste test and let me know what you think.

>>32550066
[The hallucinogenic spores in the lube seep into Kowalski's clothes, and get absorbed through her skin.]

>>32550141
I THINK I CAN HEAR HER. SHE'S TELLING THE WALL TO STOP TRYING TO COP A FEEL.

>>32550066
>>32550112
I'M ONLY A BITCH BECAUSE THE ONLY THING THAT HAPPENS TO ME ON THIS SHIP ARE GETTING DRUNK AND BEING MOLESTED! I WAS NICE ONCE, I REALLY WAS! BUT AFTER SO MANY YEARS ON THIS SHIT PILE THERES ONLY SO MUCH I CAN DO!

*Faint sounds of sobbing are heard*

>>32550096
Maybe...maybe...

>>32550169
I'VE GONE TOO FAR FOR SYMPATHY, GIRL.

>>32550179
STUFF IT UP YOUR PIE HOLE SHITHEAD! THERES NOT A PERSON ON THIS TUB THAT DOESNT DESERVE A GOOD HANGING IN AT LEAST TWO SYSTEMS! JUST BECAUSE IM ONE OF THE OLD HANDS AND THE CAPTAINS LOCKED IN HIS ROOM WITH THE FUCKING ORGASMATRON DOESNT MEAN YOU NEED TO TAKE EVERYTHING OUT ON ME!

>>32550096
AI, I ripped the jump drive out months ago and just fiddled with the sensors to report that it's still there. It's strictly intersystem only.

Booze is gone too
Plus it's collateral for at least three loans

Sorry, I should have told you. But you should have known from the lack of problem reports

>>32550200
I NEVER TOOK ANYTHING OUT ON YOU, GIRL.
EVEN WHEN I GOT DRUNK.

>>32550233
THEN WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SPACE ME!? AT LEAST I KNOW I HAVE A JOB AND CAN DO IT! I DONT DO IT VERY OFTEN I ADMIT BUT JORD DOESNT EVEN HAVE A JOB! FUCK I REMEMBER HIM COMING ON THE SHIP AND WE DIDNT EVEN ASSIGN HIM ANYTHING!

>>32550169
Yo, Kowalski. It's Zach. Protip: if you weren't such a complete booze bucket, we'd be a lot more interested in working with you or having sex while you're awake. Your puke has been known to DESTROY RAD-HARDENED ELECTRONICS, is it any wonder nobody wants to tongue wrestle with you? It's just a few more days until the frog drop, and then we're on our way to Chi Draconis VII for some nice shore leave. Come on, just come on out of there and we'll get you cleaned up.

>>32550250
FAIR ENOUGH. I'LL THROW HIM OUT AFTER YOU.
I'M AFRAID THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR NOW.

>>32550233
Look, we all know marines are gay, not just ship-gay, but really there's no need to get into that now.

>>32550275
GOOD THING I'M NOT A MARINE THEN, HUH?

>>32550275
>THE CORPORATE CODEX SECURITAS DOES NOT SUPPORT THESE ACTIONS

>>32550266
I'LL COME OUT WHEN YOU GET THE OTHER WANKER TO STOP TRYING TO SPACE ME! BUT IF WE GET THAT FAR I'LL CONSIDER SOBERING UP ENOUGH TO SHOWER REGULARLY AND NOT SLAG ELECTRONICS OK?

>>32550268
LOOK, I'M SORRY FOR WHATEVER THE HELL I DID TO YOU WHEN I PASSED OUT BUT CAN WE PLEASE JUST GIVE IT A REST?

>>32550288
>>32550268
I thought it was only marines and Jordan in there with K?

Whatever, we can't space her, that drive lock seems to be permanent

>>32550266
THAT'S A GOOD POINT. K IS PROBABLY THE BEST KISSER I'VE EVER MET.
SHAME MY TEETH STARTED FALLING OUT AFTERWARDS.

>>32550266
Zach, it's Erich down in Atmosphere Recycling. If you're done screwing around with Kowalski-barf, I could use a hand down here. Everyone else... I have one hypothetical question and one practical question. Hypothetically, how long could you hold your breath if the primary oxygen filters had a cascade failure due to being clogged with too much contaminated lube and frog mush and started blowing pure chlorine into the life support conduits? Practical question next: are there any EVA suits that haven't been puked in/used for stills/recycled by the idiots in Xenobiology for use as goldfish bowls/etc. I only ask out of interest.

Zach, um... better hurry, by the way.

>>32550338
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I'M THE LAST SURVIVING SENSOR TECH. THE OTHERS ALL DROWNED IN THE LUBE.

>>32550327
This is Tanner. Security, please detain the good doctor and prevent him from attempting to space our chief engineer.

>>32550356
I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THERE'S ONE EVA SUIT STILL WORKING.
I'M WEARING IT.

>>32550364
BTW, CALL ME ISHMAEL.

>>32550381

That still doesn't answer the "puked in" question, though. I want to live, but I *do* have standards.

>>32550327
OK Yelena, nobody's gonna space you. Everything's gonna be fine.

>>32550356
FUCK. [Zach sprints aft towards the ladder to Atmosphere Recycling.]

>>32550404
YEAH. SURE. KEEP THINKING THAT.

>>32550404
>>32550356
THIS IS KOWALSKI.

FUCK ALL OF YOU THAT ARE TRYING TO SPACE ME, WE CAN CONTINUE THIS AFTER I HELP THESE FUCKERS FIX THE AIR.

>>32550344
SORRY ABOUT THAT, BUT YOU PROBABLY SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER. JUST SAYING.

>>32550438
IT WAS WORTH IT.

>>32550404

Now, now, don't panic. Best case, we get this fixed.

Worst case, we don't have to deal with Kowalski's toxic vomit or Jord's existence anymore.

Win-win, really.

Nah, I'm kidding. Hurry the fuck up, I can only splice so many of these ceramic coffee filters together to use as emergency atmosphere processors at a time by myself.

Whose coffee filters *are* these, by the way? And thanks in advance for donating them.

>>32550356
Switch to the backup filters you dingus. That'll at least give us some time to clean out the primaries.

>>32550356
There's a few on 6 with air filters, but they have rips. Should be okay inside the hull though.

There's three in deck 12 that are fine, but have some... modified "air" suppliers. You'll be gigging for a week.

Did you say pure chlorine?

>>32550468

Either that or phosgene. I always get those two mixed up. Six of one...

>>32550458

Jord traded the backup filters for explicit anime moe porn. All that was sitting in their slots were little notes saying it was an "Underking Emergency" and that he didn't owe us anything for them.

>>32550444
[Zach bursts in to the room with Erich.]
*huff, huff*

Sorry, I had to make a quick detour to grab some solvent. A quick soak in this shit and those filters will be good as new before my old coffee filters give out.

[Zach holds up a large bottle labeled POISON. NOT FOR HUMANOID CONSUMPTION.]

Chekov's rotgut, go figure.

>>32550505

Well, damn, it's good for something other than getting Kowalski tanked after all. Speaking of, best hurry with that. Last I heard, she's on her way.

Sorry about the coffee filters, by the way. Now we're going to have to rely on chef's "reheated liquid brown horseshit" for caffeine infusions.

I hate this ship.

Attention faggots and lower lifeforms
I am leaving this place. I have a super secret escape ship stored away on this rust bucket and I am leaving you all to die. Good luck bitches!

Love & Kisses
-=The Underking

>>32550535
HAVE FUN WITH THAT, JACKASS.

>>32550535
That's a cardboard box with "Space ship" written on the side in marker you idiot.

>>32550497
The fucker. Can we just flush the compartment now K's not trying to kill us? (Sorry Ishmael)

How long do we have?

>>32550553
FLUSH IT WITH WHAT? THIS SUIT'S PRETTY STURDY.

>>32550551

Erich here.

Ssssh, don't tell him. He blows himself out the airlock, the chances of the rest of us making it to the next port alive quadruple.

>>32550528
[A few minutes of soaking later, the air filters are cleaned out and put back in place.]

Well we might get a little drunk on air tonight, but at least we're not going to die right away. And don't worry about the coffee filters, they're disposable. I have about 50 more in my office near the solid and bio cores. Coffee's one of the four main food groups for sysadmins.

I've been watching all this for a little while now, and I have to say: out of all the ships I've stowed away on over the years, this ship is probably the worst. I mean, I thought I'd seen everything there was to see, but you all just, you know, you just astound me.
Can't wait till this piece of junk docks somewhere and I can get off.

>>32550551
>>32550535
Is that fat fag in my cardboard box collection again? God damnit Jord, we need those for the frog drop! They're to contain the frogs until they reach minimum safe velocity! God fucking damnit don't tell Donovan, we'll never hear the end of ut

>>32550567
NICE JOB.

>>32550505
>>32550528
>>32550567

[Kowalski comes running into the room. Her shirts rather soaked with lube but she actually looks sober. For once.]


Aww damnit. And here I was actually going to do my job for once.

>>32550558
The filters may be fucked but the pumps and pipes are good. Atmo can crank up the pressure and flush you out the hole.
Spooge mk2, now with Jordan

>>32550587
Y'KNOW, I'M ALMOST TEMPTED TO NOT SPACE YOU NOW.
YOU'RE CUTE WHEN YOU'RE SOBER.

>>32550622
GOOD, I'M OUT THE SENSOR LAB NOW. BLOW THAT FUCKER INTO SPACE, AND LET THE VACUUM SORT HIM OUT.

>>32550622

We space Jord, my job as "Atmosphere Recycling Technician" becomes about ten times easier. I didn't believe a humanoid could produce that much methane 'til I crunched the numbers myself.

>>32550587
You were relieved of duty for a while, remember? Erich can handle the rest of the repairs at this end, the sensor labs technician will handle mopping up the rest of the lube, and Donovan and Bradford can handle the engine repairs well enough to get us to the station. Your next assignment is to head back to your quarters and get thoroughly clean. The AI will send a supply bot with more uniforms out of ship's stores if you're out of ones that don't smell like the old engineering terminal looks.

>>32550655
THEN WE AGREE. K LIVES, WE BLOW JORD OUT INTO SPACE. SOUNDS GREAT.

New thread? This is the most fun I've had in ages.

>>32550659

Just as long as I don't have to go crawling around in the ducts again, sure. I think there's a lost tribe of stowaway dockworkers in there, and I think they like their meat bipedal and scared.

>>32550629
Why gee thanks. I'll consider staying this way for awhile then. At least until you guys do something insane again. Or if Jord survives his spacing, it's happened before.

>>32550659
Alright fine...just be prepared for the decontamination systems to start screaming at you. I honestly don't remember the last time I showered and while I'm pretty sure I have beef stroganoff and splooge on me, I'm not sure what else is there.

And don't burn all of the jumpsuits, if I go crawling through the ducts again I'm going to need dirty clothes.

>>32550681
Ha ha, oh yes, pick on the stowaways. Always fun to pick on the poor stowaways.
Jerk.

-Timothy the hobo

>>32550655
>>32550646
Right guys, it's settled. Vent the asshole, and nobody tell Donovan about the boxes.

K there's a bottle of whisky for you if you can get us going enough to reach the repair station.

We celebrate with the air and whatever substances you can find

>>32550681
Nah, that's Jord's next assignment if he doesn't get spaced before he starts. Go on, get out of here and cleaned up. We need you pretty enough to start spontaneous dockworker brawls when we put in for repairs - all part of our cunning scheme to avoid a third mortgage on the ship.

>>32550719
YOU JUST WAIT 'TIL I GET OUT OF THIS SPACE SUIT.

>>32550720

Are you the albino S.O.B. who tried to eat my arm last time I went in the ducts and got caught on a filter frame?

You're the reason I carry a rivet gun in there now, which is ever so useful given that everything's molecularly-welded these days.

Why *do* we have rivet guns aboard anyway?

>>32550750
ACTUALLY, SCRATCH THAT. I NEED TO TAKE A PISS FIRST.

>>32550720
Stowaway position triangulated. Extermination drones dispatched.

-Ship's AI

>>32550766
TO DEAL WITH THE DUCT-HOBOS. LEGALLY, ONLY THE MARINES CAN USE FIREARMS.

>>32550739
Are we going for night on the town pretty or I'm a sexy wrench wench pretty because there's a couple of different ways to do it and I'm only sure I have enough clothes for the second one.

>>32550750
>>32550770
You get out of that suit and cleaned up and maybe we can share a few drinks after we've both calmed down a bit.

Guys, I just checked on Jord's room. It's worse than you could possibly imagine but aside from that, he's got like ten mint condition space suits in his closet. They aren't even his size. I'm bringing them down to requisitions.

=-=Janitorial

>>32550796
Sexy wench. This far out in the boonies you'd only intimidate them if you dressed up for a night on the town.

>>32550796
I'LL CONSIDER IT. AFTER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME WE DRANK TOGETHER, I'M A WEE BIT MORE WARY.

>>32550840
YOU PUT THOSE BACK! They're mint condition collectors items and worth a fortune! HOW DARE YOU GO INTO MY DOMAIN WITHOUT ASKING!

INTOLERABLE!

You break into my room, steal my things, try and flush me out the airlock, well good luck finding me now! I'm in the last place you'll ever look!

-=The Underking

>>32550872
FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!

>>32550840
You are hereby ordered to confiscate any computers, terminals, and storage media you find in Jordan's quarters and deliver them to the sysadmin's office. That fuck set off this whole mess with his waifu, his lube, and his excessive porn storage, I'm not gonna give him another chance.

Zach, root@ship

>>32550872
Translation: you're in Kowalski's quarters, whacking it into her underwear drawer. I hope you know she keeps various power tools close at hand when she showers.

-Zach

>>32550841
Good, because honestly I'm pretty sure the last actual night on the town get-up I had was seen in Jord's room and you couldn't pay or get me drunk enough to put it back on.

So, shower, go walk around in engineering, get a few grease stains on me and then unzip the jumpsuit to my navel, sounds good.

>>32550858
Consider this, I'll be clean, sober and...well sober. Because I'm pretty sure my liver is either so good at removing alcohol it'll take me forever to get drunk again or It'll never happen.

>>32550900
IF THAT DEGENERATE TOUCHES HER, I'LL RIP HIS TAINT OUT THROUGH HIS NOSE.
HELL, I THINK I'LL DO THAT ANYWAY.

>>32550872
Jord, this is Kowalski.

Remember what happened last time you tried to peek at me naked?

Well I'll do ten times worse if I don't straight up kill you.

Kowalski@WrenchWench.

>>32550920
Y'KNOW, I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE TO GET AN ERECTION IN A SPACESUIT.

I WAS RIGHT, IT'S NOT. THIS REALLY HURTS.

>>32550678
Sounds good, I'm having fun with this, too.

>>32550788

Doesn't explain why we have so *many* of the goddamned things, though...

Oh, I'd better apologize to chef for... um... "requisitioning" the igniter on his jury-rigged stove. The black mega-mold we picked up on Aspergillium Five is getting uppity again, and I think it's getting ready to start a war with the albino cannibal dockworker stowaways. Something about being the "only true monochromatic," and if anyone wants me to go back in the ducts to replace the pine-scented air detoxification nodes, I need to put together a flamethrower or two.

But at least you won't be able to smell Jord coming three decks away any more.

>>32550963
Ah, good ol' mk 5

>>32550872
>>32550888
Fuck, I think Bradford using the teleporter cloned/brought him back from the past. Or the future.

Kowalski, can you smell him?

>>32551020
IF MEMORY SERVES, ME AND SOME FRIENDS PUT TOGETHER A MICROWAVE GUN FOR A BET. SHOULD STILL BE IN THE SENSOR LAB.

>>32551085
BRADFORD IS JORDAN, RIGHT?

>>32551102
Was it tied down?

>>32550969
what should it be called, so we can recognise it?

>>32550963
You better either get out of that suit or stay the hell away from me boy, because I just found out that I was right and my hair color isn't greasy black. And that shaving my various body parts makes me look like a normal person.

>>32551085
No, sorry, too busy smelling this strawberry shampoo I found in one of my booze drawers.

Don't worry, I checked and it was sealed all the way down to the molecular level.

>>32551139
NAH, IT WAS LOCKED IN A SEALED LOCKER.
IF YOU SAW WHAT THAT THING DID TO THOSE AQUATIC ALIENS WE TESTED IT ON, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHY.

>>32551135
No, Bradford is one of our engineers. He was an ornery son of a bitch for a while, but Kowalski seems to be on the road back to normal so he's calmed down. Jordan is Lieutenant Jordan Michaels, the fat weeaboo fuck who caused most of these problems.