YOU ARE A WIZARD, MIGHTY AND POWERFUL, SITTING IN YOUR TOWER. THE SMELL OF OLD BOOKS AND TOAD LIVER IS OVERPOWERING.MAYBE YOU SHOULD CLEAN THIS SHIT UP.BUT YOU HAVE ONE THING YOU MUST DO: [B]DON'T FUCK IT UP.[/B]WHAT DO?>FUCK IT UP>
>>31209339GODDAMNIT I FUCKED IT UP WITH THE TAGSFUCK
I RUB TOAD LIVER ALL OVER MY NAKED OLD MAN BODY.
>>31209354YOU TAKE OFF YOUR WIZARD HAT AND ROBES AFTER FUCKING UP THE VERY FIRST POST IN THE THREAD.THIS DOESN'T SEEM VERY PROMISING, REALLY, CONSIDERING YOU ALREADY FUCKED IT UP ONCE.BUT MAYBE THIS IS SALVAGEABLE. YOU REACH INTO YOUR BUCKET O' FROGPARTS AND GRAB A COUPLE LIVERS. THE JUICES GOING DOWN YOUR OLD, WRINKLED BODY ARE ALWAYS SOOTHING TO YOU.YOU FEEL MUCH BETTER, BUT THE PLACE IS EVEN MORE OF A MESS.WHAT DO?>
>>31209381I RUB SCROLLS ALL OVER MY NAKED, MOIST OLD MAN BODY
>>31209392THIS 'CLEANING' SHIT IS FOR THE BIRDS, MAN. LOOK, YOU'RE A GODDAMN WIZARD, AND YOU AIN'T GIVE NO FUCKS ABOUT NO 'DEA' OR 'FBI'.GONNA ROLL YO' NIGGA ASS A BLUNT, SMOKE IT EASY, YA KNOW WHAT 'M SAYIN'?THE MAGICAL CLOUDS ENGULF YOU AS YOU TOKE THAT SWEET HERB.FUCK, NOW YOU'RE HUNGRY. WHAT DO?
>>31209433Cast "Summon Toad", then eat everything except the liver.
>>31209465AIGHT, NIGGA. WATCH THIS. YOU GONNA WORK SOME FUCKIN' MAGIC. AND YOU AIN'T GONNA FUCK IT UP."ABRAKALAZAM," YOU SHOUT. NOTHING HAPPENS. YOU FUCKED IT UP. GODDAMNIT, YOU'RE A FUCKING FUCKUP.WAIT, SHIT, WHERE'D YOUR WAND GO? FUCK.FUCK, MAN, YOU CAN'T MAGIC WITHOUT YOUR WAND. AND NOW YOU'RE NAKED. MAYBE IT'S IN YOUR ROBES?SHIT, WHO EVER HEARD OF A WIZARD THAT CAN'T DO MAGIC?
>>31209501Oh I got a magic wand for ya bitch.>wave around cock and shout magic words!
>>31209538RIGHT! YOU TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT YOUR SPARE WAND, THE ONE YOU ALWAYS HAVE!EXCEPT THAT ONE TIME YOUR CRAZY BITCH OF AN EX-WIFE TRIED TO CUT IT OFF. BITCH STEPPED TO YOU, YOU TURNED HER INTO A TOAD. THEN YOU ATE HER LIVER. SHE FUCKED IT UP.YOU TAKE YOUR WRINKLED, BONY OLD MAN HANDS, GRASP YOUR COCK, AND START FLAILING IT ABOUT WHILE YOU SHOUT WHATEVER MAGIC WORDS COME INTO YOUR MIND.SHIT'S STARTING TO HAPPEN. THE CAULDRON'S BUBBLING, YOUR TOMES ARE A' FLAPPIN, AND THE MAGIC IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN.WHAT DO?
>>31209574Sit in your towel.
>>31209574Spread my arms and start yelling. My body is ready.
>>31209574"Cast spells" with your "wand" out your front window.
>>31209622MAGIC CRACKLING THROUGHOUT YOUR BODY, YOU FLING YOUR ARMS WIDE FROM YOUR WRINKLY, YET ENGORGED COCK, AND YOU START TO LAUGH.IT STARTS AS A CHUCKLE, HEADS FOR GUFFAW BUT TAKES A SWIFT DETOUR RIGHT INTO MANIACAL, AND YOU SHOUT, "MY BODY IS READY! TASTE MY HYPER WEAPON! UOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"THE MAGIC SPRAYS EVERYWHERE, ALL OVER YOUR TOMES, ALL OVER YOUR BUCKET O' FROGPARTS, AND ONTO YOUR OMINOUS WAX SKULL CANDLE.THE MAGIC PUTS OUT THE WAX SKULL CANDLE, AND NOW IT'S DARK.THE DOOR TO YOUR STUDY CREAKS OPEN, AND THE CAT COMES IN. "YOU FUCKED UP," IT SAYS.ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE THAT SORT OF SHIT FROM DAT FUKKEN CATTE?WHAT DO?
>>31209712TELL THAT CAT TO FUCK OFF. THEN USE A DEADLY RUBBER INFLATED STATIC ELECTRICITY DEVICE TO TEACH IT TO NOT FUCK WITH ME.
>>31209712Wrap the cat up in your now magic covered robe and swing him around like a flail.
>>31209742"HEY CATTE!" YOU SHOUT. "FUCK OFF, CATTE!"THE CATTE DOESN'T FUCK OFF. INSTEAD, IT TURNS LIKE CATTES DO, AND IN THAT CATTE MANNER, ATTEMPTS TO SHOW YOU ITS BUTTHOLE.GOD YOU HATE IT WHEN CATTES DO THAT.WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR STATIC ELECTRICITY CATTE-DETERRENT-DEVICE WHEN YOU NEED IT?...WAIT, YOU'RE A GODDAMN WIZARD.YOU GOT THE POWERS OF FUCKIN' LIGHTNING AT YOUR COMMAND.WHAT DO?>ZAP DAT FUKKEN CATTE>DON'T ZAP DAT FUKKEN CATTE (YOU WILL FUCK UP IF YOU DO THIS)
>>31209817Use the cat as a bludgeon. Drive some nails into your floorboards with his head.
>>31209843FUCK IT. NOT GONNA ZAP THE CATTE. CATTE PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN CARE ANYWAY. YOU CHARGE AFTER THE CAT, MAGIC WAND FLAPPING IN THE WIND, AND JUMP AT IT.THE CATTE ADROITLY DODGES YOUR OLD MAN HANDS, BECAUSE WHILE YOU ARE A WIZARD, THE CATTE IS A CATTE.YOU FUCKED IT UP.THE CATTE HAS RUN OFF, SOMEWHERE IN THE HALLS OF YOUR OLD, STONE WIZARD TOWER.YOU COULD FIND THE CATTE WITH A SPELL, YOU GUESS. OR YOU COULD JUST BLOW HOLES IN THE WALLS UNTIL YOU FIND THE CATTE. THAT ONE SOUNDS MORE FUN, REALLY.THE HAUNTING VOICE OF THE CATTE DRIFTS DOWN THE HALL TOWARDS YOU. "YOU'RE SUCH A FAGGOT, WIZARD."GODDAMN FUCKIN' CATTES. YOU'RE GOING TO USE THIS CATTE'S HEAD TO HAMMER IN SOME NAILS IF IT'S THE LAST FLOORBOARD YOU ATTACH.WHAT DO?
>>31209954Summon a cat-finding explosion elemental.
>>31209954Yell into the magic wand asking for the catte wrangler.
>>31209954Fuck that cat, probably a hallucination anyways. Take more antipsychotic medication, fuck that shit is great.
>>31209992>>31209986TIME TO SUMMON A CATTE-WRANGLER.YOU GRAB YOUR WAND WITH BOTH HANDS, LEAN DOWN, AND SHOUT INTO IT: "HEY GUYS I'M LOOKING TO SUMMON A CATTE-WRANGLER, I'LL GIVE YOU SOME TOAD LIVERS AND THE CATTE'S IMMORTAL SOUL."A FEW MINUTES PASS AS YOU WAIT FOR THE SUMMONING SPELL TO WORK.THEN, YOU FEEL THE MAGIC TINGLING AGAIN. IT SURGES THROUGH YOU, SURGES FROM YOUR MAGIC SACK TO YOUR WAND. THE POWER EXPLODES ALL OVER THE ROOM, AND IN THE AFTERMATH, THERE IS A MAGICAL EXPLOSION ELEMENTAL STANDING THERE."BY YOUR COMMAND," SAYS THE ELEMENTAL."SPEAK, ELEMENTAL," YOU COMMAND."ALL BASE SHIPS ARE NOW IN RANGE TO ATTACK THE CATTE.""THE FINAL ANNIHILATION OF THE LIFE-FORM KNOWN AS CATTE," YOU REPLY.>LET THE ATTACK BEGIN.>FUCK IT, LET'S GET BAKED>
>>31210080Take antipsychotic meds. Realize you just came on your cat.
>>31210121MEDICATION? MEDICATION?! THE FUCK KIND OF WIZARD DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?AIN'T NO 'MEDICATION' HERE, OTHER THAN THE GOOD HERB YOU GOT. LET'S SELF-MEDICATE, THEN.YOU CHECK YOUR STASH.YOUR STASH IS GONE. IN ITS PLACE IS A NOTE: "WIZARD IS A FAGGOT. -CATTE"GONNA KILL THAT CATTE.NO, NO. WAIT. HOLD ON. YOU GOT YOUR 21-YEAR SCOTCH POTION STILL. GOT THE GOOD STUFF. YOU REACH INTO YOUR MAGICAL MINIFRIDGE THAT YOU'VE GOT UNDER A STACK OF MUSTY TOMES, OPEN IT AND...NOTHING.IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE FUCKING CATTE.>GO GET DAT FUKKEN CATTE.>DON'T GO GET DAT FUKKEN CATTE. (YOU WILL FUCK UP IF YOU DO THIS.)
>>31210080Fuck it, let's get baked.
>>31210300This is the last straw. That cat is fucking toast.
>>31210300The cat didn't even leave us a little drugs? Fuck that nigga, smoke his fucking tail yo.
>>31210351>>31210366"GONNA MAKE OF SMOKE THE FUCK OUT OF CATTE," THE ELEMENTAL SAYS."I HAVEN'T THE GODDAMN SLIGHTEST IDEA OF WHAT YOU SAID," YOU REPLY."DA. IS OKAY. WATCH THIS." THE ELEMENTAL STRETCHES OUT ONE ARM, AND BLOWS THE FUCKING WALL OUT OF YOUR TOWER, EXPOSING THE NIGHT BEYOND. IN THE FLICKERING LIGHT OF THE EXPLOSION, YOU SPY A SHADOW.IT IS THE CATTE.WHAT DO?
>>31210505make out with the elemental
>>31210505Ride the explosion elemental in the sea of nightmares that is our final battle with Catte
Smoke that smug bastard's cattenip!
>>31210505Throw your shoe at the catte
THE CATTE IS GETTING AWAY. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE."IVAN!" YOU SHOUT.THE ELEMENTAL DOES NOT RESPOND, AS THAT IS NOT ITS NAME. BUT YOU, AS IVAN WOULD SAY, "DO NOT MAKE OF GIVE ONE SINGLE FUCK."YOU SADDLE YOUR BARE WIZARD ASS UPON IVAN'S MAGICAL FORM, AND RIDE YOUR MIGHTY SUMMONED STEED OUT OF THE TOWER, FOR MAKE OF GLORIOUS BATTLE WITH CATTE.OR BRUTAL MURDERING. YOU WOULD PREFER BRUTAL MURDERING, ALL OTHER THINGS BEING EQUAL.BUT THE CATTE IS FAST. FASTER THAN YOUR ELEMENTAL, AND SOON THE CATTE ESCAPES YOUR EYE.THIS IS ACCEPTABLE, HOWEVER. FOR YOU ARE A MIGHTY WIZARD, AND THE STARS WILL GUIDE YOU TO THE FORETOLD BATTLE WITH CATTE.THE CATTE HAS HEADED WEST, AWAY FROM THE TOWER.TO THE NORTH LIES HJELAFFENBORG, LAND OF THE ICE GIANTS. TO THE EAST, TRACKLESS DESERTS. TO THE SOUTH, A SWAMP THE LIKES OF WHICH NO MAN HAS RETURNED FROM.AND TO THE WEST, THERE IS CATTE. CATTE, AND THE CLOSEST TOWN TO YOUR TOWER.>N>S>E>W
>>31210663SWe need to gather magical supplies before we can hope to best our nemesis.
>>31210663We must learn the secrets of surprise warfare before we can best the catte. Let us travel east, and look for desert raiders.
>>31210663The choice is easy, Hjelaffenborg. The Ice Giants are know ancient friends of catte, and have probably placed the obvious catte distraction to the west.
>>31210663Up. Straight up.
COMRADES THERE MUST BE CONSENSUS, YOU CANNOT MAKE OF BE GOING IN FOUR DIRECTIONS AT ONCE.
>>31210806ASCEND! TO THE SKY!
>>31210806WE ARE A WIZARD, WE WILL GO IN EVERY DIRECTION. WE MAJIK FUCKWIT
>>31210806ASCEND WE SHALL
>>31210806Upwards we go.
FUCK IT, TIME TO PIERCE THE HEAVENS
>>31210843THE FOUR DIRECTIONS ARE BINDING AND CHAFING.THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. THE ONLY WAY TO GO IS SKYWARD, TO THE ENDLESS PLAINS OF VALHALLA! PERHAPS YOU CAN FIND A COMPANION THAT WILL ASSIST YOU ON YOUR QUEST.THE CATTE IS POWERFUL AND DEVIOUS, AND SHAN'T BE DOWNED EASILY.THIS IN MIND, YOU GRASP FIRMLY YOUR WAND WITH BOTH HANDS, AND CAST A LEVITATION SPELL ALL OVER THE PLACE.YOU ASCEND, BREAKING THE TIES OF GRAVITY THAT BIND LESSER MEN.YOU PASS THROUGH THE CLOUDS, AND ESPY A MOUNTAIN FAR IN THE DISTANCE. UPON ITS SUMMIT IS A CITY, AND YOU CAN ONLY ASSUME IT BELONGS TO THE VALKYRIES.THERE IS A STORM ROLLING IN FROM THE OTHER DIRECTION, HOWEVER. SHOULD YOU HARNESS THE POWER OF THE STORM GODDESS, NONE COULD POSSIBLY OPPOSE YOU.WHAT DO?
>>31210923Explode the storm, lightning is for bitches.Lets get our valkyrie bros and kick Catte's ass.
>>31210923FUCK YOUWE'RE IN THE SKYWE NEED DRUGSSKY DRUGS.
>>31210953Lets roll a fat sky blunt and dip it in cheese whiz then.
>>31210923Borrow Odin's horse, it is surely fast enough to grant us advantage over our foe.
>>31210923Roll that mothafuckin' storm up.And smoke it with the Valkyries.
>>312109231 $300 hooker or 300 $1 hookers...The storm goddess.
>>31210988Fuckin' rollin' up a storm bluntand smokin' that fat bluntWe're a Wizard.We can do that.
Well now I know where Thunderstorms come from.It's from Wizards smoking Clouds, so they get extra smokey. And lightning is wizard powers.
GOTTA GET YOUR SMOKE ON. THIS WHOLE CATTE BUSINESS IS REALLY HARSHING YOUR VIBE.AND SINCE YOU'RE A GODDAMN WIZARD, THIS SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT TIME FOR A STORM BLUNT.YOU WHIP UP YOUR OWN WHIRLWIND, AND CAST IT AT THE STORM CLOUDS, ROLLING THEM INTO A LARGE DARK MASS.THE CLOUDS ROLL TIGHTER AND TIGHTER, REVEALING THE FORM OF THE STORM GODDESS, AND SHE'S NOT HAPPY."WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY STORM!?" SHE EXCLAIMS. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?""I AIN'T GIVE NO FUCKS," YOU REPLY. "I'VE GOT TO GET MY SMOKE ON. YOU CAN EITHER CHILLAX AND I'LL PASS IT TO YOU AFTER A COUPLE OF PUFFS, OR YOU CAN CONTINUE BEING A BITCH, AND I'LL SMOKE THIS WHOLE STORM MYSELF. YOUR OWN GODDAMN CHOICE."WITH THOSE WORDS OF WISDOM DELIVERED, YOU CHANNEL A TORRENT OF FIRE TO THE EDGE OF THE ROLLED UP STORM, AND LIGHT IT.INHALE, AND... GOD DAMN, IF THIS ISN'T THE DANKEST BUD YOU'VE EVER HAD.THE STORM GODDESS GRUMBLES AND BITCHES SOME MORE, BUT YOU'RE TOO BUSY TOKING TO CARE.>OFFER HER A TOKE.>FUCK HER. STORM GODDESS AIN'T SHIT.
>>31211145>OFFER HER A TOKE.I think SHE FUCKED UP. She gotta calm the fuck down and get some Dankin' Weed on.
>>31211145Puff puff pass, my man
>>31211145TAKE HER TOLK AND FUCK HER. WE ARE A WIZARD, WE WILL DO WHAT WE WANT
Offer that bitch a toke of some dank storm strain.
So let me get this straightwe're a wizard in our towerwe fucked upthe fuckin' catte stole all our shitcatte don't give a fuck, needs its ass kickedand now we're going high up in the cloudsand gettin' high by smoking the clouds.Are you sure we fucked up? because this sounds pretty sweet.>>31211187Man wait, if we fuck her how we cast spells out of our wand?
>OFFER HER A TOKE.Bet she's tight with Zeus, Zeus would fuck that cat. Pass that shit.
>>31211233We're a wizard, dumbass! Our wand is the mightiest in the land!
>>31211233YOU AIN'T FUCKED UP RECENTLYYETSO DON'T FUCK IT UP
>>31211277Yeh but does that mean our spells come out as Storm spells?>>31211288Man hope we don't fuck it up.
>>31211145Covertly rip the dope in half, then pretend to pass it, but drop it. If she gets all pissy, fuck that bitch. If she's cool, pass the other half, and become skybros.
>>31211145Yo Storm Goddess you wanna be a Smoke Goddess fo' today?
"HEY, SO LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING," YOU SAY. "THIS IS THE BEST DAMN THING EVER. YOU EVER TRIED TO SMOKE A STORM CLOUD BEFORE?"SHE SHAKES HER HEAD. OF COURSE SHE HASN'T. ALL THAT POWER AND SHE NEVER TRIED TO USE IT PROPERLY."HEY, LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR STORM." YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY SORRY. "BUT YOU GOTTA CHILLAX, AND THE BEST WAY TO DO THAT, IS TO BREATHE DEEP SOME OF THIS AWESOME STORMBUD."SHE ROLLS HER EYES, BUT THEN DECIDES TO SIT ACROSS FROM YOU, ALL LOTUS-POSITIONY. YOU'RE JUST FLOATING IN THE AIR, SHE'S SHOWING OFF. WHATEVER.PUFF PUFF PASS, RIGHT? YOU PASS HER THE BLUNT, AND SHE INHALES DEEPLY. "MAN," SHE CROAKS. "THAT'S SOME GOOD SHIT.""I KNOW, RIGHT?"THE STORM GODDESS HAS LONG GREEN HAIR AND WELL TANNED SKIN, ALL COVERED BY A CLASSY WHITE TOGA. SHE OBVIOUSLY SUBSCRIBES TO THE CLASSICAL SCHOOL OF FASHION. AND BY "CLASSICAL" YOU MEAN GRECIAN-BUTTFUCKIN'-MARBLE-SCULPTIN' CLASSICAL."WHY ARE YOU NAKED?" SHE ASKS.SHIT, YOU'RE STILL NAKED. YOU SHRUG.SHE TAKES ANOTHER PUFF, AND PASSES YOU BACK THE BLUNT. "I'M..."WHAT'S HER NAME?>
Take all the old books, use an arcane photo - scanner and store the "data" then use compression runes to be engraved into little disks and store that shit in your desk till needed. For all that toad liver, stuff it all into a bag of holding and throw it in a closet then charm a bar wench to clean up the rest.
>>31211358FUCK MAN THAT IS LIKE THE SMOOTHEST GODDAMN LINE AND I WISH I'D SEEN IT LIKE 20 SECONDS AGO>>31211386NIGGA YOU SLOW AND LATE TO THE PARTY, YO.YOU FUCKED IT UP.
>>31211385OLD SPICE WEATHER WASH, THE STORM YOUR LAND COULD SMELL LIKE.
>>31211385THE CLOUD LADY
>>31211385>"WHY ARE YOU NAKED?" SHE ASKS.GOTTA RELAX OUT WITH MUH SACK OUT.GOTTA CHILL OUT WITH MUH WILLY OUT.SHIT GURL AIN'T YALL HEARD OF RELAXIN.YALL AIN'T EVER GOT DANKYALL GOTTA ASK WHY A WIZARD NAKED, MAN WHY A WIZARD WOULDN'T BE NAKED.EYO TOKE DEEP AND JUST CHIIIIILLL YO
>>31211457GODDAMN IT, LET'S AT LEAST THINK OF SOMETHING REASONABLY CLASSY TO CALL HER
>>31211386Man this storm cloud so dank I keep rememberin' stuff from years ago.
>>31211486OLD SPICE CLOUD LADY, THE CLASS YOUR LAND COULD SMELL LIKE.
>>31211486HOW ABOUT GREG? GREG IS A CLASSY NAME
>>31211542DAMN IT DAD, GET OFF THE COMPUTER
Rolled 48>>31211542>>31211573Caution: You are about to fuck up.Are you sure you want to continue?
>>31211594FUCK YOU! DO DONT DETERMINE WHO FUCKS UP AND WHO DOESNT. MAYBE HER NAME IS ACTUALLY GREG, WHAT THAN FAGGOT?
>>31211655Then I have fucked up.
"OLD SPICE," YOU SAY."WHAT? NO, THAT'S NOT MY NAME. IT'S-""THE CLOUD LADY!" YOU EXCLAIM."NO! NO, I HAVE AN ACTUAL NAME! CALL ME-""GREG! I'LL CALL YOU GREG. THAT'S YOUR NAME, RIGHT?"SHE SIGHS IN RESIGNATION. "YES. MY NAME IS TOTALLY GREG. HOW EVER DID YOU KNOW.""BECAUSE I'M A GODDAMN WIZARD IS HOW.""SO, AGAIN, WHY ARE YOU NAKED?" SHE ASKS. "I COULD MAKE YOU A ROBE OUT OF THE STORMS.""AIN'T YOU NEVER HEARD OF RELAXIN'?"SHE THINKS FOR A MOMENT. "I'M PRETTY RELAXED," SHE SAYS, AS SHE TAKES THE STORM BUD YOU OFFER BACK TO HER AFTER YOU'VE TAKEN A FEW PUFFS."EYO, YOU MIGHT THINK YOU'RE RELAXED, BUT YOU AIN'T NAKED RELAXED." SHE FROWNS AT THE IMPLICATION THAT YOU WANT TO GET HER NAKED. WHICH ISN'T TRUE, YOU'RE JUST TELLING IT HOW IT IS.THAT SAID, YOU WOULDN'T SAY NO TO NAKED STORM GODDESS GREG."ANYWAY, WHY YOU GOTTA ASK WHY A WIZARD'S GOTTA BE NAKED? WHY WOULDN'T A WIZARD BE NAKED?" AND THEN YOU THINK FOR A MOMENT.YOU REMEMBER WHY YOU'RE NAKED.BECAUSE OF THAT GODDAMN CATTE.WHAT DO?>ASK HER FOR HER HELP IN KILLING DAT FUKKEN CATTE.>DO SOMETHING ELSE.
>>31211655U just mad u ain't got no stormbud.
>>31211730YEP, WE FUCKED IT UP. MIGHT AS WELL ASK FOR HELP BEFORE WE FUCK IT UP EVEN WORSE.
>>31211730>ASK HER FOR HER HELP IN KILLING DAT FUKKEN CATTE.But do it Chiiilll bro. You know how sometimes shit just gets in your way and you gotta get it out of the way, so you can get back to dankin'?So yeah, she got any Chill hurricane winds or thunder vibes so's we can get that damn Catte outta our system?
>>31211730Ask her for help.
>>31211730YO BITCH, WANT TO HELP KILL A CATTE? HES AN ASSHOLE
>>31211730Well we have some kickass storm bud and Greg seems chill. Let's at least finish the J before making our next move.
Whip out my wizard boombox and start blasting St Elmo's Fire while asking her to blast some St Elmos Fire at that catte.
>>31211730Tell her of the catte and that one night where it did an impression of her, you know the one, involving the groucho moustache, sumo suit and losing control of its bladder (all powerful arcane artifacts). We laughed it up like a mofucka, but that was back then (don't add), now the catte dun fucked it up.
"AIGHT," YOU SAY. "THIS IS WHAT'S GOING DOWN."I'M TRACKING DOWN THIS NEMESIS OF MINE, BEEN A THORN IN MY SIDE AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER."BUT NOW, NOW THEY'VE FUCKED UP. THEY'VE CROSSED A GODDAMN LINE. THE CATTE HAS WELL AND TRULY FUCKED UP.""THE CAT?" SHE ASKS."NO, NO. THE CATTE. ONE'S A FELINE. ONE'S THE EMBODIMENT OF EVERYTHING EVIL. I'M GOING AROUND COLLECTING WARRIORS OF LIGHT TO HELP FIGHT THIS DARKNESS. WOULD YOU, GREG, ASSIST ME IN THIS MOST NOBLE OF QUESTS?""I DON'T KNOW," SHE STARTS."I'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO ROLL A STORMJOINT," YOU OFFER."DONE," SHE REPLIES. "WHAT MANNER OF FOUL BEAST IS THIS CATTE?""IT KNOWS NO MERCY. IT KNOWS OF NO THINGS SUCH AS KINDNESS, GOODNESS, OR DANKNESS. IT'S AN ABOMINATION ON THIS FAIR EARTH. KILLING IT WOULD BE DOING GOD'S WORK."BUT FIRST, LET'S FINISH THIS J."GREG AND YOU SIT AMONG THE CLOUDS, BOTH NATURAL AND DANK, AND CHILLAX, LOOSENING UP BEFORE YOU EITHER A: PURSUE THE CATTE OR B: COLLECT ANOTHER ALLY.WHAT DO?
>>31212058WE NEED THE GOD OF VOLCANIOS AND DINOSAURS, HE WILL HELP US SLAY CATTE
>>31212058fuck Greg gotta get somma dat storm goddess poon
>>31212058This some excellent storm dank. Surely its persuasive power coold be used to gain more allies.
>>31212058C. Look for more shit to smoke.We gotta be the opposite of that catte.For example.Dat southern swamp gotta have the dankest shiz.And it only gon' get danker with a rainstorm brewin'.Time for a trip to the rainy swamps to get the dankest chronic.
>>31212058Head yonder, to the city upon the mountain. Legend tell of the dankest of sacred herb ripens there at the breast of Freyja.
>>31212058BECOME THE LITTLE GIRL.
>>31212126Fuck yes it will. Let's go spread this shit around, get us some new friends.
>>31212058>B: COLLECT ANOTHER ALLY.We need more allies, the catte's evil is too great to face without further aid. We should take our search to the mountains, that we may find a mighty dragon to carry us into our glorious and noble battle.
>>31212172A MIGHTY DRAGON, YOU SAY? PERCHANCE I'VE JUST THE ALLY IN MIND.
>>31212135Man was this legend written by a wizard?If so thas' cool but you gotta realize wizards play tricks fo' shits and giggles. Like leavin' magic smokin' pipes wit "Scry 7800-99-55 fo a good time" on it and 7800-99-55 is some old God that gets real mad when people interrupt his sleep by callin' him, haha shiiiiiiiit.
>>31212143Fuck that shit, little bitches still be bitches an we ain't no bitch.Greg ain't a bitch neither, she a bro. 'cept not a real bro, cause she's a chick, less she got some kinda crazy tornado dong hiding in that fancy towel.
>>31212180Better be Rankin' Dankin' Smokey the Tokey. Burnin' villages to see how they taste.>>31212193Might be Zeus. Zeus always turnin' himself into goats and trees and women and shit.
>>31212193Alternatively: Become the hot scullery wench. Say it's an act of solidarity with Greg so she isn't creeped out by an old dude.
>>31212252Nigga u thinkin' with yo' dick and yo' tryin'a get rid of yo' dick, whatafuck is wrong with yo' sexin, man.
>>31212252But nigga how we gonna zap shit if we zap off our magic wand?
>>31212283Keep it, duh. I wouldn't trust pockets with my dick, so obviously hold it in hand 24/7.It might even double as a wand.
>>31212322Son our dick IS our magic wand, u fuckin' up a bit.
Go to the mountains and look for dwarves or goats or shit like that.
>>31212184Dang dawg, maybe it didn't think this through. Though what if it were true? If the goddess of love truly had mold upon her teet, so divine and sweet. How can we be the The Mighty Greenthumb if we were not to take this chance.
>>31212135"I'VE HEARD TELL OF A LEGEND," GREG SAYS. "APPARENTLY, IN THE CITY UPON THAT MOUNTAIN LIES THE DANKEST OF BUDS. WHILE THIS STORM BUD IS GREAT, FREYJA HERSELF GREW THIS BUD FROM THE GREAT TREE YGGDRASIL.""YGGDRASIL, YOU SAY?" YOU RUB YOUR FINGERS ON YOUR BEARD THOUGHTFULLY. "SUCH A BUD MAY BE JUST THE THING WE NEED TO RALLY THE WORLD'S GREATEST HEROES TO OUR CAUSE."GREG NODS. "AND I AM AWARE OF DRAGONS THAT MIGHT ASSIST US IN THIS ENDEAVOR, SHOULD THE NEED BE SO GREAT.""IT'S A MATTER CONCERNING THE VERY EXISTENCE OF THE UNIVERSE. IF THIS CATTE IS ALLOWED TO RUN AMOK, THE WORLD WILL BE UNMADE.""HORRIFYING," GREG REPLIES. SHE LOOKS YOU UP AND DOWN AFTER A SHORT PAUSE. "BUT FIRST WE MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR NUDITY. THE VALKYRIES WON'T APPRECIATE A NAKED OLD MAN IN THEIR MIDST."YOU SNAP YOUR FINGERS. "THAT'S OKAY. I'VE GOT JUST THE THING." YOU GRAB YOUR WAND AS GREG WINCES. "FLIBBITY FLABBITORY, IF THERE'S CONSENT IT'S ONLY STATUTORY," AND WITH AN EXPLOSION OF MAGICAL POWER, YOU BECOME THE LITTLE GIRL.>GET DRESSED IN THE STORM ROBES BEFORE YOU HEAD TO VALHALLA.>FUCK THOSE ROBES.
>>31212387Can we use a Joint as a magic wand, now we lost our wand an' all?Also Fuck them robes. We too relax for that sheet.
>>31212387Pretty little magical girl storm robesOne of these mighty heroes may enjoy the drawings of eastern cute little girls
Put on storm robes. Robes are comfy and probably have pockets and stuff where we can store our shit.
>>31212387Those storm robes are probably all magical and shit. Let's try that shit out.
Question: what happened to our wand? Can we still do magic and shit without a wang?
>>31212387So it begins...Fuck those robes, grow dem pubes to hide the wand of power.
>>31212387WEAR THE ROBES BUT CONVENIENTLY "FORGET" TO CLOSE THEM.
>>31212535A pussy is just a dick turned inside out. Now instead of spraying spells at things, we shoot them deep into ourselves and become pregnant with phenomenal cosmic power in an itty bitty living space.Shit, what happened to our explosion elemental.
>>31212595Aw sheet we give BIRTH to spells now don' we?
>>31212611They are our fucking babies and we love the shit out of then. A good wizard loves their spells.
Ask her to make a storm g string and wear it backwards
>>31212647But that's really uncomfortable. And c strings are hotter anyway.
"LOOK, GREG, I AIN'T NEED NO ROBES."SHE SHAKES HER HEAD. "NO. NO, FUCK NO. I AIN'T GOIN' BACK TO JAIL. NOT FOR SEXUAL PREDATION CHARGES AGAIN. FUCK NO. YOU WANT TO BE NAKED AS AN OLD MAN? FINE. I CAN SAY YO' CRAZY ASS BE SENILE. BUT NOW? NO. FUCK NO. YOU'RE WEARING THOSE ROBES AND YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT."SHE MAGICS YOU UP SOME ROBES OUT OF CLOUDS, STORMS AND ELECTRICITY, AND FORCES YOU INTO THEM, AS YOU STRUGGLE THE WHOLE TIME.EVENTUALLY SHE GETS THEM ON YOU. "THANKS, MOM," YOU SARCASTICALLY RETORT."DO ME A FAVOR AND FIND YOUR DAD, THEN TELL HIM HE'S OVERDUE ON HIS CHILD SUPPORT. ALIMONY CHECKS DON'T GROW ON TREES."YOU ROLL YOUR EYES, AND THEN PEEK DOWN THE FRONT OF YOUR ROBES. THE TRANSFORMATION'S FINISHED- AND YOU LEFT YOUR WAND INTACT. CAN'T VERY WELL KEEP YOURSELF FROM CASTING SPELLS, CAN YOU?THE TWO OF YOU FLY TOWARDS THE CITY ON THE MOUNTAINTOP.ON THE WAY, YOU SPARE A SINGLE THOUGHT FOR IVAN- BEREFT OF THE GIFT OF FLIGHT, YOU JUST LEFT HIM THERE BY YOUR CASTLE.AND WHEN YOU FLY OUT OF RANGE, THE SPELL WILL END, AND HE'LL DIE.YOU MONSTER.YOU UTTER FUCKING MONSTER.ANYWAY THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT, I DIDN'T ACTUALLY EXPECT TO DO THIS MUCH OF THE QUEST NOR DID I EXPECT TO PLAN TO DO ANOTHER ONE OF IT, BUT FUCK IT. DON'T FUCK IT UP 2: ELECTRIC STORM BOOGALOO COMING SOON, TO A /TG/ NEAR YOU.
>>31212733holy fuck this was magnificent
>>31212733>AND WHEN YOU FLY OUT OF RANGE, THE SPELL WILL END, AND HE'LL DIEOH FUCK NIGGA HE GONNA BLOW UP OUR CRIB!
>>31212769YOU FUCKED IT UP
>>31212733Fair night fall upon thee good OP, pray shall I for a further recounting of such a glorious legend that enchanted us this day.
>>31212784Dam sun luuk wat dat catte maed uz du.