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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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As the title says, those moment from your games you can't forget because they were either awesome, horrible or hilarious. I've got two of those, so I'll share.

>Warrior party
>4 goddamn warriors, nothing else
>I'm playing as Sword and shield guy
>Second is a samurai
>Third is using a maul
>Fourth guy has an axe
>We have a quest to kill a necromancer
>We are standing under his tower
>No doors
>He is standing on top of his tower laughing at us
>Axe guy says " I want to throw my grappling hook"
>DM:"Okay, roll throw and then climbing"
>Axe:"Why climbing? I'm aiming for the necro"
>Everybody pauses for a while
>Axe guy rolls throw
>Perfect hit
>Rolls str to see if he can pull him down
>Natural fucking 20
>Screams "GET OVER HERE"
>We completed the quest in the most retarded way I could imagine

>Playing as gravity mage
>All my spells can manipulate gravity
>Fighting a dragon
>Powerful motherfucker
>"I want to increase gravity on that dragon"
>DM:"Okay, that will pin him down, roll your d12 for gravity magic"
>"I'm not aiming for the ground under the dragon, but for the dragon itself"
>Roll 12
>Critical hit
>Roll d20 damage
>Natural 20
>DM:"The dragon collapses into a black hole. Congratulations, you have doomed the world"

Well then, /tg/, contribute whatever you remember.
This one time I was playing a samuroo in 4e (was hard but we bent it) and our fabulous monk got stuck in an enemy camp scouting (he stole an outfit) got confronted by a patrol, and he rolled diplomacy, natural. twenty. I uhh lost my ring, (he was in an empty room mind you) and he then proceeded to roll another twenty on the one sentry, and hit a one the other, which then he rolled diplomacy after the sentry said what the hell? And he replied "you look tense, i was giving you a backrub" it was glorious after he got caught later after pulling the same trick, two others died in the assault. (On phone sorry for no greentext
Or so i think it was 4e. It was a while, but the story stuck with, we also made a fight club in our basement. Spent weeks finding materials to complete the thunderdome. But it was perfect

The moment where Doctor Awesome seduced Princess
The moment where Sceptre stole all of the artifacts from Olbaid while the rest of the party wasn't looking using his henchmen because he's the only ex-villain on the team and old habits die hard
The moment Bob Phantom came out of retirement
>First time playing any RPG in real life (D&D 3.5)
>Decide to be Monk
>DM is a min-maxer with an encyclopaedic knowledge of the rules
>Tells me about a Vow of Poverty that I can take for more AC
>read up, realise that I get extra feats for taking it and take one called Touch of Golden Ice, which does CON damage to evil beings whenever I touch them
>Go to session, have a lot of fun
>Come into the tavern where the rest of the party are drinking, see a dwarf passed out on the floor, someone says he has no pulse
>Dwarf opens his eyes, which are now green
>oh shit
>Tell DM "I go to touch his face"
>The dwarf grabs my arm as I do so.
>"DM, I'm touching him. I've got this feat..."
>Look of horror on his face
>Scrambles to roll the right dice
>Rolls once, horrified look intensifies
>Rolls again, actually cries out
>I'd done max damage, and he then had to go find the stat-block for the dwarf to make sure I hadn't outright killed him

tl;dr I almost killed the DM's plot device by accident in the first session
>super strength dude, ninja gadgets dude
>chasing a winged monster
>its about to escape
>super strength dude throws ninja gadgets dude
>ninja gadgets dude throws grappling hook midair
>hooks on and plummets down with the monster
I don't even remember how they survived.
Monk player: I want to throw the harpoon at him
Me (El GM grande): You are over a football-field away from him. You're in a tower. You are blind, bleeding and shitting uncontrollably like a garden hose AND you are not proficient with harpoons.
You know what? Roll me a fucking twenty right now and MAYB-
Monk player: 20.
Me: ... Your kung-fu is strong...
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>Four man party against 10 bandits
>Me as fencer with twin flintlock pistols
>Thief, Mage and me are knocked out
>8 Bandits left
>Berserker enters rage
>Wipes the floor with bandits
>Thief player starts sperging about how OP berserk is
>Then he ragequits
Incompetent rage is best rage.
The moment where Doctor Awesome defied Anti-Shock to the end when everyone else became Team Chicken.
Sup, BK&DM bro. One of these days we'll pull off a successful raid, but that wasn't it.
We just decided to continue the game tommorow without him as it happened about a minute or two ago.
Posting from phone at work so let's see how this goes.

Party consists of:
> Self proclaimed "she bitch" elf sorcerer with a carriage
> Human summoner played by a semi-cheaty min-maxer (good guy though)
> Dwarven bard who played bagpipes (mp3 of Scotland the Brave every combat)
> Elf druid with a gorilla pet

> Party was traveling using the sorcerer's carriage when they are attacked by two young black dragons, barely old enough to fly.
>A few arrows, a few direct damage spells, both sides are taking hits.
> Sorcerer is staying in her carriage
> Finally decided to help out by sticking her head out the window and casting fear
> 1 fails and starts an escape
> Party cleans up the other dragon
> "We're gonna kill the other one too"
Now, I'll work with players and bend the rules once in a while when it suits me.
> Summoner: "I'll have my eidolon chuck the gorilla at the flying dragon"
> Me: "There is no way you have the strength to throw him that far!"
> Sorcerer: "What if I levitate the gorilla so the eidolon only has to push him in the right direction?"
> Let them roll it as a touch attack with -4 for improvised weapon
> Druid rolls
> Table silences
> Missed by one!
> Groans everywhere
> Bard: "Hey, did you add my bard song?"
> Cheers
> Gorilla connects and pummels the dragon into the ground

It is now known in our group as the "Ape Cannon"

Hey I'm very inexperienced at D&D (I don't even know most of the vocabulary) but am willing to learn and have some fun, any way I might be able to join?
Memory is a bit fuzzy on details but:

>Playing a 3.5 seafaring campaign
>Get into a conflict with another ship
>End up boarding them, knocking out most of the crew, victory seems assured
>Hear some rather loud noises coming from the deck below
>Its a large metal golem running on steam apparently.
>Party has some time to prepare, we set up a plan on how to deal with it quickly.
>Its first turn where it can act, rolls an attack, natural 1, rolls again for some critical failure stuff (Don't entirely remember honestly, I was pretty new) another natural 1
>Steam Golem falls off ship without hurting anyone, successful encounter
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>Playing my first wizard
>Enter some bandit castle with a few other adventurers, kill some undead the bandit king has raised
>The group sits down to rest for a moment, I enter the next room
>It's got liquid all over the floor
>I cast burning hands at it
>The room catches fire and the walls start coming down
>Immediately book it to the exit
>The rest of the party goes inside the room I was just in to investigate
>realizes I just set a castle on fire
>They get out as well
>The bandits start throwing themselves off of the top of the castle because the fire spread so quickly, we watch the king fall o
>Never deal with bandits in that area ever again
I'm the best wizard guys
Sorry, the session is homebrew system at my place. His ragequit was literally leaving my house tantruming like a little child that didn't get his happy meal.
Delicious tears of rage. I'd like to lick them from his baby cheeks.
Indeed, just like a wizard.
>First time playing D&D
>Stuff happens and shit
>Come across some sort of orcish/goblin hideout
>Various hijinks happen, won't bother with the details
>Find pile of stolen crops that Goblibs had stolen from nearby town
>Walk into next room
>There's a large idol holding a key
>Hang on a second guys, I'll be right back
>Go back to room with stolen crops
>Take a potato from the pile
>Walk up to the idol
>I try to switch the key with the potato Indiana Jones style
>I drop the potato
>Idol punches me

Later on in this session:
>Open a door to find a long-ass hallway with nothing in it but a door at the end
>Well, seems alright, let's go
>Everyone agrees
>GF, also a first timer, suggests that we search for traps
>5 traps in the hallway
>Hang on guys, I'll be back again
>Go back and grab 30 potatoes from the aforementioned pile
>Come back, start chucking potatoes at the traps and their mechanisms
>I set off all the traps and allow us to safely pass
>Pick up all of the potatoes that weren't smashed or eaten in the process
>Open door
>Shitload of giant rats
>Party attacks
>I start hurling potatoes at the rats instead of using my sword
>Kill 5 rats with potatoes

I like D&D.
Check the game finder thread over at >>31049867 - there's bound to be a fair few people running D&D games.
>Kill 5 rats with potatoes
Were they Irish or something?
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Samurai are actually easy to play in 4e.

Fighter, Warlord or Ranger, weapon of choice - FullBlade or GreatSpear or Bows depending on the type of samurai you want to be, Samurai theme and background. It's in Dragon Magazine #404.

Just fluff and style it as you choose, roleplay as a samurai and so on. It even allows for you to be a Ronin or a Bushi, and there are weaponstyles or feats that augment your at-wills and make you more like a samurai if you so choose.
Obviously not since they died after receiving the potato.
I'm thinking of starting D&D (since I'm often on /tg/ but actually never plays tabletop games).
Which one is best, 3,5 or 4?
>I'm often on /tg/
>Which one is best, 3.5 or 4?

> Playing a pretty standard group, pally, rogue, barbarian, something-magic-y.
> Our dwarf barbarian had... Little in the way in personality.
> AKA- illogical hatred of all wood.
> He manages to trigger a million traps, learns no lessons.
> Survives because... Luck I guess. Pure luck.
> We happen upon a room with four chests.
> Pally restrains the dwarf because, at this point, it borders upon evil or at least retarded to keep endangering the lot of us.
> Restrains him via solid, disorienting, whack to the head.
> I check, no traps.
> One for each of us. Magicky opens his, pally opens his, I'm about to open mine.
> Dwarf comes to finally. First question "are they made of wood"
> Group ugh as DM nods.
> He pitches me across the room, battle axe raised.
> Smell of ozone fills room.
> I swear on my life they weren't trapped, I rolled an 18 on that fucker.
> DM smiles like satan.
> Fuckton volts of electricity flow through his body, prominent red beard frizzes and obscures his whole face.
> Dwarf is passed out again, smoke rising from his toes to his nose-hairs.
> I look into my chest to discover an amulet of electrical resistance, with a small fracture in it now.
> No lessons were learned but fuck was it funny.
If you're on /tg/ often, you must've seen one of the thousands of threads arguing about that question. The basic answer? Neither. If you want unnecessarily complex game where balance is low priority, 3.5. If you want a system that excels in tactical combat but de-emphasizes actual roleplaying, 4e. In all likelyhood, you shouldn't want D&D at all.
I just lurk, sorry.

>If you're on /tg/ often, you must've seen one of the thousands of threads arguing about that question
To be totally and utterly honest, I'm here mostly for the story threads, because I like them.
Anyway, I guess I'd rather have 3.5 than 4.
If I wanted tactical combat, I would be playing something else.
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How my party (actually, it was just one player) defeated the BBEG in less than a round (more or less.)

Our tale begins at level four, in 3.5. Starts as a two person game. elven monk and a half-orc fighter. We are later joined by a human ranger.

One night, we're playing at the ranger's house. His room is the entirety of the 3rd story, a big loft-type deal. Nice and comfortable. Just so happens his brother is in from out of town. Not wanting to shun his brother, he asks if he can join in for a session. I okay it. Brother rolls up a human assassin named Scorpius.

Dude his hilarious. His character is literally a caricature of everything wrong with many players.

Anyway. They chase after the McGuffin for literally 10 levels, finally cornering it. The McGuffin was a relic of Pelor known as the Sunstone, stolen by a fallen angel. The angel was passing it on to the First Vampire. This dude was so old, only sunlight could kill him, and once he had the Sunstone, it granted immunity to that as well because reasons.

>Players watch as the Sunstone gets handed off, from hiding
>Vampire starts making preparations to unleash his army of ghosts
>Monk has an idea to stop him
>Fighter has a different idea to stop him
>Ranger tries to mediate
>This happens anytime a plan needs to be made
>Assassin passes me a note
>I nod and tell him to roll
>Another note, another roll
>Rest of the party didn't even notice him leave
>Assassin steps out and challenges the Vampire
>Rest of the party shits bricks
>"I'm not the best of men, but even I, a taker-of-lives, cannot abide the mindless slaughter your reign shall bring!"
>More bricks are shit
>"Fool! I have become TRULY immortal! Behold!" Vampire lord pulls a lever, opening up the roof to let in the light of the sun
>Bursts into flames and dies like a bitch
>Party's face when the assassin pickpocketed the McGuffin while they were busy arguing

Best moment of the entire campaign.

No sense of right and wrong...
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>"Fool! I have become TRULY immortal! Behold!" Vampire lord pulls a lever, opening up the roof to let in the light of the sun
>Bursts into flames and dies like a bitch
>Party's face when the assassin pickpocketed the McGuffin while they were busy arguing
And not a single fuck was given that day.
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I went look for that one but issue not found!
I was more thinking of some kind of borderline suicidal behaviour, with a lot of collateral damage.
>saves a town from bandits by leveling the mountain with a giant explosion
>the land cannot be cultivated anymore due to the ashes
>the sun is blocked forever, slowly turning the inhabitants in tall, pale people
>water cannot be consumed due to the ashes
>but at least, the bandits are dead
Something like that really strikes me as wizard-like.
>>Playing a treasure planet inspired Space Adventures game using pathfinder rules
>>We are being pursued in our open topped skyship by another open topped skyship at very high speeds
>>we have no cannons or effective anti vehicle ranged weapons
>>ask the GM roughly how fast we are going, and get ambiguous FAST answer
>>tell sorcerer my idea after roughing out some calculations on a napkin
>>sorcerer summons a horse
>>immediately behind our ship so it isnt caught in our inertial field
>>enemy ship collides with horse at relativistic velocity
>> no more pursuit
>> sorcerer summons nothing but horses the rest of the campaign
I imagine that the golem was sentient and overzealous to do it's job. It was the first time it's master let it work on it's own and it was so excited and nervous to show him he could. Then he fucking fell off. Nerves, man.
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Not mine, but it's a story I know. It's from a livestream. Just look up Cry and Friend play DnD

>Be half-Orc
>Chillin' at an inn after a day of helping crush a rebellion against the kingdom
>Go and take a bath
>Asshole sorcerer casts Enlarge Person on me because her may as well waste his leftover spells
>Trapped in bath, unable to move
>Halfling cleric/cook for the king gets butter and greases me up
>Rolls to pull me out
>Sorc tries
>Rest of the party shows up
>Ranger friend tries to pull me out
>Rolls a nat 1
>Slips on the oil, ends up falling in with me
>I roll to get out
>Nat 1, trip and fall under the water
>Paladin Dwarf attacks
>Spend hours fighting the bathtub
>Slowly drowning
>Eventually win and break the tub
>First boss of the campaign was a bathtub.

Pic related, it's the party (except for the cleric.)
From left to right, Marv the Half Orc Barbarian, Maroo the Human ranger, Jundus the human Sorcerer, and Barchie the Dwarf Paladin
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>"Fool! I have become TRULY immortal! Behold!" Vampire lord pulls a lever, opening up the roof to let in the light of the sun
>Bursts into flames and dies like a bitch
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>>First boss of the campaign was a bathtub.
Welp, my sides have left this plane of existence
>steampunk RPG in Savage Worlds
>not so serious players
>typical sky pirates business
>we brainstorm ideas for our airship
>at some point our ship is dubbed the "Panty Raider"
>we get passengers

Eventually one of our players, a passenger on the ship, says "The 'Panty Raider?' Oh, I thought this was the 'Pantry Raider!' I'm on the wrong ship!"
The King of Town?
Doesn't ring a bell. I wouldn't be surprised if the joke had been used elsewhere.
Have a link, then.
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>party fight
>wizard getting out of hand
>decide to stop that shit
>be cleric
>wizard cast silence on me
Shit, I love Cry. Too bad he's a redditer and 99% of his fanbase are faggots.
11/10, would play D&D with.
Why would you be upset about a party member killing the shit out of your enemies?
>Playing Dungeon World
>Be fighter
>Shieldwalling it up with cleric and paladin versus orc warchief and his goblin minions
>Cleric stumbles as we advance
>He's about to get a goblin club in his skull
>But the orc's almost dead
>Do I save the cleric or kill the orc?
>Grab the cleric and throw him so hard the impact kills the orc
I got a good one.
>Playing a ranger in a pretty mediocre campaign.
>Don't know any of the other people at the group.
>They are taking themselves too seriously about being pure GOOD GUYS FIGHTING FOR GOODNESS AND JUSTICE
>Decide to be morally ambiguous hunter
>Decide to express myself by taking a tooth from everyone of my victims and putting it on a trophy necklace
>We run into a sort of sketchy bartender.
>Everyone at the group has been ok as long as I don't kill anyone who had it coming
>Bartender sets us up into a trap
>We come back
>The BBEG has his parents hostage
>I tell the DM "I grab his neck and slam his face into the table"
>Dead silence
>Good grapple, better damage
>"I then rip out his jaw"
>Even Deader silence
>Nat 20
>From then on I had a +3 intimidation bonus because I had somebodies jaw on my necklace
Mad life Edgy. Thats how I roll
>be GMing an evil campaign
>players pillage, burn and smash every town they come across
>throw a villager with a broken chair leg at them
>magus slaps it out of his hands, impales him through the back of the neck with it
>after massacre, raid town, wreck fucking everything
>enter shack, find nothing but a kitchen table with one lone chair, on its side, one leg broken off
>go back outside
>remove chair leg
>back inside
>upright chair
>reattach leg
>leave shack standing
>leave town forever

Just cause, I guess.
>Upper-level campaign
>In a group of 4 with no casters
>Be manipulative bastard elf alchemist-turned-rogue specced with UMD to be a pseudo-caster to make up for this
>Party leader is a very strategy-minded half orc paladin
>DM is pretty bro and tosses me the occasional wand after tough encounters
>DM is really into research, likes to make fluff material, magical artefacts, etc.
>At one point I get this limited-charge rod that turns metal armour to paper
>Forget about it after using it a couple of times because we don't find many armoured enemies
>Fast forward later into the campaign
>A political chessmaster of a villain who we think is probably an assassin is established
>Takes advantage of the fact that we're a very melee-heavy party at every turn
>We're gearing up to go after a base of his
>I notice I still have the wand in my inventory and start wondering how something like this couldn't be useless
>An idea forms
>Start asking the DM a bunch of weirdly specific about how it works
>"What kind of paper? Does it work on scale armour with leather in it? What about rust? Isn't that like a separate chemical even though it has iron in it?"
>DM eats this up because it's exactly the sort of crap he likes to write about
>Next session gives me a short list of how the spell works
>Turns non-heavy metals into cellulose, metal-based chemicals are affected, organic materials won't block the spell, etc.

1/2; I can't be concise to save my life
>PCs uncover a plot to massacre a school the next day
>find out along the way there's a kid who shits out rubies going to the school
>they completely abandon their plan to stop the massacre and focus on kidnapping this child
>party druid uses a magic mask to disguise himself as a teacher, goes and finds the kid
>it's his birthday
>druid tells him he's got a present for him in the staff room
>tries to knock him out, accidentally kills him instead
>teacher sees, she gets knocked out
>party hides the kid's body in a gift-wrapped box
>leaves school, tries to give the box to a lollipop lady
>she opens it, screams and the druid tries to knock her out but accidentally kills her again
>knocks out the other lollipop lady
>books it

That was the only session for which only the women showed up. Other highlights include castrating another party member and selling him to a Dwarven circus, and nearly getting TPKd by low-level zombies.
>Fast forward to the encounter
>We've cleared most of the way through the base
>Come to the last few chambers
>Villain waiting with a large group of henchmen
>Standard "villainous monologue followed by leaving the minions to kill the heroes" schtick
>Paladin tells us to start getting into position when we realise he's about turn and leave through some back exit
>Just before villain finishes some utopian extremist claptrap, I pull out the wand and zap it at him
>Fuck yeah, natural 20; ridiculously high with additional modifiers
>DM: "He's not wearing any metal armour."
>"I'm aiming for his body."
>"Uh, nothing happens."
>Proceed to explain that the human body contains several non-heavy metals that are essential to life, including calcium, magnesium, iron, sodium, and potassium
>Point out that literally every single cell in his body can no longer function now that every potassium compound is turned into plant fibre
>Remind him that my character would know something like this because he was an alchemist in his backstory
>Hand him back the sheet he gave me
>DM bro stares blankly at it
>The campaign's villain is fucking dead without a fight
>Party leader starts laughing his ass off

And that's how fluffy DMs obsessed with details can be their own undoing. Also, pay attention in biology class.
I'm gonna go archive this because stories and FUCK QUEST SHIT.
I'm not sure if organo-metallic compounds like potassium compounds count as metal...?
If nothing else, I know that all muscles have calcium and sodium ions to trigger contraction, so his heart'd stop.
Still, kind of a dick move.
Yeah, it was a bit of a stretch, but as you say, there's no way that effect wouldn't kill someone somehow.

I felt a little bad for screwing up an entire campaign made by a guy who was way better at preparing things than thinking on his feet before the whole conflict gained any momentum though.
>>First boss of the campaign was a bathtub.
Best fucking line ever.
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>playing pathfinder
>somewhat unconventional 3-man party
>human paladin of the god of booze, dwarf magus, grippli summoner
>rooting out a daemonic cult in a religious city's church
>burst into main antechamber of church, head priest is in the middle of a sacrifice
>before we can stop him he finishes the sacrifice and transforms into a daemon
>me (dwarf): "I throw the paladin at him."
>GM stares at me
>"r-roll an STR check"
>roll a 20
>my dwarf launches our paladin into the air, who preps a dramatic Smite Evil against this daemon
>... which also crits
>mfw we just instagibbed the session's boss
>In a group with a DM that has a perpetual hard-on for punishing parties that aren't crazy prepared for absolutely every possibility for some reason
>On a quest to retrieve treasure from some crappy ancient ruin in the middle of nowhere for the sake of having ruins
>Because fantasy land
>Had to clear out a den of dire wolves that were in the way just to get in
>After our chunky dwarf barbarian leader gets his annual arrow vaccination, we realise that the ruins are fucking riddled with pressure-plated traps
>Our group has no rogue and is utter shit at finding traps
>Don't want to advance because every step could be death
>DM makes some snide comment about how we could go hire someone to help and come back later
>Leader barb is all "Fuck that shit. Come with me."
>We go back outside
>Tells us to drag one of the dire wolf corpses back into the corridor
>Proceed to spend the rest of the dungeon pushing a monster carcass in front of us with a staff as it slowly takes increasing abuse
>Go and get a new one every time we set off a pit trap
>Cleric shoots back at the DM, "Hey, isn't it lucky there were a bunch of enemies right outside?"
Yeah, I hate that about him, but it's all right. His fanbase is shit.

Cant wait for him to start Dishonored, though.
Thanks for the laughs, random anon
>Be Cleric of Vergadain
>Fashion as fuck
>$wag everywhere
>Be in Dungeon
>Full of Vegepygmies
>They're worshipping some god that isn't the god of capitalism
>Fuck that
>We kill them in droves because they're fucking plants with legs
>Come to temple
>Hear Vegepygmies chanting
>A brilliant plan hatches itself in my mind
>"Hold up, I got this."
>Notes are passed between the players, GM kept in a dark
>Eventually come to an agreement
>Grab one of the several dozen dead vegetables
>Fashion it's face into a mask
>Wear it
>Described as "looking like complete dog shit" by GM
>Good enough
>Still hear chanting
>Cast Light on myself
>It's show time
>Doors to temple fly open
>GM speechless
>All the Vegepygmies are dumbfounded. I finally get a good look at this room. There are pews and whatnot, as well as a coffin that the vegetables were worshiping
>GM decides to roll to see if my clever ruse works
>Says I have 5% chance to succeed due to the fact that I'm trying to fool a salad bar. The coffin moves.
>Rolls it
>Delicious GM tears flow as she describes how the Vegepygmies fawn over me and how I bless them and heal them of their sickness. There is about 50 of them in total.
>The lid to the coffin flies off and out comes a Vampire
>I'm level 5 with almost not combat capabilities
>In a silly outfit
>Alone save the pissed off Vampire who is about to give me a lesson on why worshiping false gods is a bad idea
>Can't drop character or the vegetables will murder me
>"It is you, is it not, my lord?"
>Vegetables swarm it, start attacking
>Vampire is mildly annoyed, but can't get to me because of the mass of bodies
>Vegetables flying left and right
>I had a bard who had just died so I rerolled monk
>Through luck and shenanigans the monk came across the lute of my bard
>Fighting in haunted plains ensues
>Two Nat 1s later, me and the fighter have awakened two angry ghosts
>The female ghost charges at me
>In an act of desperation my monk pulls out the lute and begins to play
>DM tells me to roll performance
>Roll performance and get a spanking 17
>The lute begins to channel its lost master and my human monk begins to shift slightly into a Tiefling his fingers moving of their own accord
>Tell the ghost lady that "She looks truly beautiful" causing her to regain some humanity and fade into the wind, smiling
>Finish the battle of doing some crazy punches, sweeps, and roundhouse kicks on the remaining ghost

Fuck if that wasn't one of the most memorable things I don't know what is. I will forever treasure that Lute.
>"Fool! I have become TRULY immortal! Behold!" Vampire lord pulls a lever, opening up the roof to let in the light of the sun
>Bursts into flames and dies like a bitch
>Party's face when the assassin pickpocketed the McGuffin while they were busy arguing

I think my sides just outran a spelljammer in the astral sea.
Keep going
>Turning won't work
>Oh dear Jesus this is bad
>Friends burst into room
>Make them all glowy
>They start fucking up the Vampire, keeping a safe buffer of my followers between themselves and Dracula
>Paladin pulls out a wand we found a few levels ago
>Oh boy
>Paladin activates the wand, and Drac is NOT happy
>Does like 4d8 to Undead or something
>Max damage
>Fucker ain't dead
>That's it, I gotta prove myself worthy of worship.
>Running tackle at Drac
>Left hand holding Holy Symbol
>Right hand on Drac's forehead
>Cure Deadly Wounds
>32 damage
>Dracula disintegrates
>No one in the party took a scratch
>26 of the vegetables survived

I taught them all about capitalism and told them to keep safe and to not attack humans.

The DM showed us Dracula's stats afterwards. I forget what they were, but it was an easy TPK.
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>Be DMing game for college bros
>busy with class work almost all week leading up to session not much time to prepare,, so just making the dungeon as i go
>party disables a trap,and on a nat 20 appraise check learn it just throws whatever scroll is attached to it
>MFW it was a flame thrower-type spell i had made up to hit all of them if it went off but not be leathal.
>MFW later in the dungeon they get trapped in a hallway full of undead and hit all of them with it, killing 8 of the 12.
> Sorcerer: "What if I levitate the gorilla so the eidolon only has to push him in the right direction?"

I like to think she said this while still inside the carriage, sticking her head out the window.

And that she doesn't stick her arms out as well. Just her head.

I think I'm going to start a collection of screencapped posts, distributed randomly throughout my pictures folder, in an effort to confuse myself years from now.

It would instantly kill the nervous system as well. Neurons rely on sodium, potassium, and calcium ions to function.
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The "Ape Cannon" is going in my collection of Clever PC actions.
>playing DH properly for the first time with a new group
>I'm GM
>party has been newly formed and consists of an Assasin, Arbitrator and Psyker.
>players are tasked with hunting down the source of a zombie thing found in a shipment from some shitty planet
>arrive at a town of like 2000 people in the desert to find inconspicuous transport to where they suspect the zombie thing to have come from
>psyker decides the best way to get info is to befriend local children playing in the dirt
>shows them a dice trick, attempts to use his psychic powers to nudge the dice
>rolls a 9
>rolls phenomena, gets Banshee Howl
>entire town flees into the desert
>over the next few days of travel they find the townsfolk variously killed by the elements or set upon by bandits
An auspicious start, which only got better...
So, the players sourced the dead zombie thing to a ruined hive in the desert and descended into the ruins to investigate. They fought some zombies and then we packed up. Next session another friend of ours joined the group as another psyker, so I wrote him into the story in a random escape pod that landed in the ruins.
>new psyker friend is told he's going to be introduced as landing in an escape pod with amnesia.
>he decides to make a big entrance, prepares Call Item minor power
>main group advances through the ruins after hearing a huge explosion and finds the escape pod
>they advance on it, weapons ready (actually really proud of their roleplaying because they genuinely acted like they didn't know what was up)
>New!Psyker uses Spectral Hands to tear the door off the escape pod and emerges in a Euro-Vision style cloud of mist and light
>he walks down the ramp and announces out of character he's using Call Item - succeeds and produces a pot of hot coffee
>"Does anyone want some...COFFEE!?!?"
>everyone at the table has a giggle because nobody knew what the fuck he'd decided to prepare and we were not expecting coffee
>Old!Psyker player waits for the laughter to calm down and then quietly says 'I use Spasm'.
>everyone pisses themselves laughing as he casts it and New!Psyker drops to the ground twitching
>assassin player puts a las-round through the coffee pot and announces 'threat neutralized' as the Arbitrator cuffs the New!Psyker
>takes them ten minutes to 'work out' that he's on their side
With two psykers now shitting up the party, we continue.
>lmao 2psykers

>players encounter a mercenary patrol and have a brief skirmish with them
>new!Psyker decides at one point that his best option when confronted with a bayonet charge is to use Call Creatures
>he's expecting a cloud of bats, or a swarm of rats
>I tell him it succeeded and there's no immediate result
>he's fairly unhappy as his character gets stabbed, uses Spectral Hands to drop a steel girder on the Merc the next turn
>encounter finishes and they keep going
>I've been counting down a stat on my notepad since he cast Call Creature
>as the players are attempting to lower each other down a shaft with some rope I announce that the Called Creatures have finally reached them
>a horde of zombies
>desperate vertical fight against plague zombies fall down the shaft in an attempt to get the players ensues
>my players finally begin to hate me
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I've got two from the same campaign. It was an odd trip, two season of nautical shenanigans.
>First Season event
>We're coming up on some creepy, abandoned, goblin-infested castle in the middle of a lake
>the pirates we were racing against got there first
>our ship was a catamaran
>our brilliant plan was forged by the group's Ranger/Barbarian (only took the barbarian level to keep up with the Fighter/Barbarian half-orc who consistently outdid him with only his fists and a shiv)
>we throw a sheet over an animated chair (it was domesticated by the Halfling bard through seven consecutive ride checks)
>make spooky ghost noises as we drift towards the docking area
>entire enemy crew comes out and takes a gander
>enemy captain shoots it
>doesn't break the chair's hardness
>it's still dancing around, covered in a sheet, while we all make spooky ghost noises from hiding
>for some fucking reason, this works and the pirates disperse back inside the keep and let our ship get close enough for us to sneak into the ruin
>after a running fight to the roof through goblins and pirates, the Fighter/Barbarian jumps off the roof with the Pirate captain and uses him as a landing pad for a 50ft drop
Anyone actually reading these?

>capture: classes solved
Yeah. I love stories involving psykers and wizards. Please continue, if you got any more that is.
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>Second season
>BBEG has occupied a town we rebuilt with the treasure from the previous season
>all the townies rounded up in a big wooden fence
>Ranger comes up with another stellar plan
>Using the skull of a dragon we had recently killed (had to kill it for the Fighter/Barbarian to get his brains back from faeries), and pieces of our catamaran, we constructed a fake dragon
>Through use of Major Image and Ghost Sound, we had a fairly convincing Black Dragon
>And with enough PCs/NPCs, we could even fill out the full attack to boot.
>So we roll up on the trapped villagers and their guards
>all but one guard fail their saving throws
>the one guard who did succeed is vaporized thanks to a Rod of Wonder fire from the mouth of the "dragon".
>townies begin to stampede against the fencing, breaking it down and trampling the guards between them and the nearby woods
>we continue advancing to the BBEG's agent who we had nicknamed Megatron
>Megatron makes the save, Starscream (his assistant) does not
>Meg's something like a pure Barbarian 12 or something
>we end up whaling on him for the better part of four hours, with occasional Rod of Wonder mishaps (stream of flowers, that sort of thing)
>he finally dies
>BBEG talks through the corpse like a puppet, trying to be threatening
>no one takes him seriously as we're in the post-battle high
>cocksucking motions are made when the BBEG speaks
Still waiting on Season 3: Desert Edition.
Roger that, it gets pretty damn good. There was a lot of campaign, but these are the highlights I remember.

>source of zombies is finally determined and the players spend some time piecing together this conspiracy of a xeno-substance being laced into rations (secretly manufacture in places like the dead hive) and distributed from a Merchant Guild House elsewhere on he planet
>party heads over to the Guild House Manor, way out in the fucking sticks, and land their hired Ornithopter on the front lawn
>time to walk up to the front door
>a servitor butler lets them in and its immediately obvious the place has seen better days
>all the doors, including the exit, are dead bolted shut, trapping them
>the servitor is the only interactive thing and leads them through the mansion based on a logic map I wrote up - certain questions/phrases lead to certain chambers. With enough patience you can work out the pattern and get it to take you to the 'boss room'
>players lack patience, of course, and New!Psyker uses Spectral Hands to hurl the Servitor against a wall to 'make him talk'
>Servitor expires
>players are trapped for 6 hours, taking fatigue points as they get hungry
>finally a new Servitor appears from a small hatch
>exactly the same as the old one
>they realize they can't brute force it
>[hatred intensifies]
>finally get to the private study of the Guild House Leader
>he's been killed and his corpse booby trapped to release a warp daemon
>the house becomes he epicentre of a major warp event and the players get the fight they've been whinging for all session
>barely survive as they fight their way clear of the Manor with the evidence they've managed to obtain
Good times.
I could tell a really long greentext story, but I only need one sentence for the moment that everything changed.

Supa Dimenshun Stompa mode engaged.
Mind dumping that?
"Fire the ape cannon!"Dubstep made entirely with ape noises begins to play.
>Macross-themed tomfoolery
This requires expanding on, Anon.
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This one was more of a moment of awesome
>third act of the campaign
>stuff is coming together, the players are raiding the lair of a Chaos Cult for the final pieces of the puzzle with the support of Arbitrators
>pretty much all of the Arbitrator NPCs die, except for one they christen Agent Benson. He becomes a DMPC (I keep the basic NPC Arbitrator stats)
>shit starts to get real as booby-trap daemons begin appearing and the Cult Magus elite guard are wrecking face
>the party is fighting daemons and elite cultists over three storeys of underground ruins - a basement level with a hole in the floor of the upper level and a mezzanine balcony above that
>one of the elite cultists leaps up from the basement level using a grapnel hook onto the upper floor and hurls him into the basement (full of daemons)
>daemon claws the New!Psyker in the face, mutilating him and forcing him to burn a fate point
>party abandons him, falling back
>Agent Benson doesn't run, dropping down from the Mezzanine level on a grapnel zip-line - as he plunges past the elite heretic, he blasts him with his combat shotgun and kills him
>lands on the basement level next to New!Psyker, and hooks the grapnel into his belt
>activates the retrieval button, New!Psyker gets dragged up towards the ceiling
Now, that sounds like a lot of stuff for one combat action - but it was basically half-action to fire the grapnel onto the ceiling while stepping off the mezzanine, half action to fire the combat shotgun and a free action to hook the thing into New!Psyker's belt. Plus, I figured it could also represent New!Psyker's burnt fate point.
>its generally accepted that this was awesome and that Agent Benson has essentially sacrificed himself
>daemons and heretics have another round before anyone can act
>tear off Agent Benson's arm but don't quite kill him.
cont'd, this one is long.
>Agent Benson drops to his knees, leveling his auto-pistol and firing a full auto burst at the daemon that took his arm
>he *will* die next turn
>Friend Arbitrator's turn comes up
>he announces he's firing his grapnel down into the basement from the mezzanine
>aims at Agent Benson's armoured back
>I rule that if he causes a wound to Benson, that means the grapnel has succesfully penetrated the armour and hooked on
>Benson is 3 wounds from death
>Friend Arbitrator hits and rolls for damage
>1 wound
>Agent Benson's lung is punctured but he's not dead
>Friend Arbitrator reels in the grapnel, dragging Agent Benson clear of the daemons's claws
>they manage to escape with their wounded and Agent Benson lives long enough to be retired from play after they take him to an Imperial Hospitalis.
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Last one for this campaign.
>players have unravelled the whole conspiracy with the xeno-crop, linking it to the Planetary Governor planning to raise a brain-washed army from the planet's population and secede from the Imperial.
>they manage to stealth aboard his orbital Governer's Palace/fortress
>get all the way to his State Room, which is a gigantic observation deck - fully half of the floor is part of a giant dome of triangular glass panels reinforced with steel girders through which you can look down on the planet
>they confront the Governor and execute him even as he tells them he had no choice
>the sound of live power armour fills the State Room
>a Chaos Space Marine emerges from the shadows in the corner and, in response to the expected 'WHO ARE YOU?" from the players, says 'My name is Alpharius' (not THE Alpharius just that whole Alpha Legion thing where they're all Alpharius)
>boss battle music and shit getting real
>Old!Psyker gets initiative and decides to open the proceedings with FIREBALLS TO THE FACE - I'm concerned he's going to actually one-shot the big bad, because I've been constantly under-estimating how stronk his fucking powers are
>rolls a 9
>oh shit
>rolls for phenomena - its less than 75, everyone breaths a sigh of relief
>I look up the result of 61
>I start laughing
>I can't stop
>it's Banshee Howl
>A deafening keening sounds out for a kilometre, shattering glass and forcing everyone in the area to make a Toughness test or be deafended for 1d10 rounds
>shattering glass
>the glass dome shatters and the entire party + 'Alpharius' is flushed into space.
>campaign ends with the party asphyxiating in space and the players screaming at each other
In a WFRP game, I was playing a Light Wizard in a party that got the shit end of the mutation stick. Each character had a mutation tree the GM had customized thematically, ie: steampunk Chaos-cyborg, Slaaneshi hermaphroditic valkyrie, shadow-twisting vampire, and myself, the glowing crystalline eye-beaming duplicator. Did I mention I had a permanent clone? Important factoid, that.

So, we had found this McGuffin ritual that would remove the taint of Chaos from our bodies and souls, but would bring us to the end of our mutation tree (DM left that part out). I was the first to use it, as I was the only one who could cast it and was pretty mutated. It left me with the permanent clone, but less insanity points and a clean soul. The next equinox, when could next cast the ritual, I did so twice, seeing as there were two of me. Also, many of our PCs were advancing in their mutation trees and we knew that if they went too far... POP! Demon time. We decided to do the ritual a safe distance outside of town, to the North- and Southeast. Time comes to make the casting roll, and I cast successfully... but roll triple 7. DM rolls Perils... Demonic Possession for 1 minute. So, now there is a Demon in my head, which is running two bodies, which are each casting an incredibly powerful ritual. What is said Demon to do? Open two gates to the Realms of the Ruinous Powers, of course.

A tidal wave of Demons pour out of two holes in reality. Through a long series of events that require too long to explain, an alliance of undead lead by our vampire PC and steampunk airships and automatons led by our aforementioned cyborg PC stomp out the Demons and close the gates, but not before the most important trade hub in the region is destroyed. These two forces maintain their alliance and slowly, but methodically, take over the world. None put up a real fight until the elves wielding High Magic flew in on Dragons, but even they fell to the armies of undead and machines.
Humanity was enslaved and kept as both cattle to feed the vampire overlords and sources of innovation - for both the undead and the machine mind stagnate over time, and the two PCs were smart enough to know that. Intelligent belligerents were monitored, and, if found suiting, selected for advancement through undeath or machine Chaos mutations.

And that's how my rolling a triple 7 ended a campaign and forged the most oppressive hellhole of a setting I've seen in years! :D
Have you ever read or watched Vampire Hunter D?
Oh god, that's almost even better than The Molotov Incident from the DH campaign I'm in.
Playing through the old Against the Giants modules. I was playing a centaur ranger with the Giant Killer kit (2e) so I was pretty fucking overpowered, which become even more accentuated when we found a Ring of Three Wishes. I got to use one of them, as I was one of the three characters who retrieved it, and I got the ability to cast a variant of the Lightning Bolt spell.

Anyway, we progress through the campaign until we reach the Fire Giant stronghold. We sneak in, harass and pick them off a couple at a time, slowly whittling down their numbers (we were like level 9, the suggested level for the module was 14 I think, so we had to be damn careful.) Anyway, while a couple of the other PCs are doing scouting and being sneaky and shit, I with nothing better to do, start going through all the accumulated crap and the character sheets of my henchmen.

One of them was a Hedge Wizard and he had mostly buffs and utility spells. I saw that on his spell list, he had both Enlarge/Reduce and Fly.

After looking up how multiple castings of Reduce stacked, I had my henchman cast it on me as many times as he could, bringing my height to something like half an inch. He then cast Fly on me, I used my Ring of Invisibility, and I flew into the stronghold through a crack in the door.

I made a beeline for the king's room, and found him sitting on his throne. I proceeded to fly up his nose, and charge up a lightning bolt. The way the DM ruled it worked was that I could cast up to 5d6 worth of lightning bolts per level per day, but only 10d6 per round unless I "charged" them and released them in a burst next round, so at level 9 I got 45d6 worth of lightning bolts per day. After charging up all 45, I released the charge and pretty much vaporized his head.
>rolls phenomena, gets Banshee Howl
>entire town flees into the desert
I'd like to make a sides joke here because I laughed for real.
Shit like that is why I'm on /tg/ despite never playing Tabletop Games.
Actually the ashes would probably be good fertilizer....
Yeah, but without sun...
Still.... good.... fertilizer.... plus theres magic, and with magic you ain't gotta explain shit....
Still... no ... sun... And nobody eats mushroom.
Besides, m-muh grimdark world.
Nigga errbody loves mushrooms. What is you, a fag?

Plus, like I said...... Magic..... I ain't..... got to..... 'splain shit.
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>Playing as a paladin, pathfinder. Buff as shit with 20 STR, looks like Freddie from Cromartie High
>GM says I wake up and can't move anything below the neck
>Look down, fucking Like-Like engulfing me
>Roll to break grapple, nat 20
>Gm stops.....and reveals this is actually just a nightmare and my pally is just wrapped up in his blankets
>I wanna use the crit though
>GM plays it as paladin suddenly opening his eyes and flexing with all his might, disintegrating the covers and sheets of his bed.

And that's how my paladin one-shoted his own bed.
Cuz you touch yourself at night.
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>> AKA- illogical hatred of all wood.
He had a bad encounter once, man. Can't blame him too much.
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Alright /tg/, this is my first time posting any of my stories.

>playing 2E with my girlfriend and her family
Girlfriend: Level 4 elf thief
GF's younger brother: Level 3 dwarf fighter
GF's older sister: Level 4 human crusader cleric
Me: Level 4 human mage
>dungeon crawling in a base full of orc led by human/hobgoblin commanders
>find a magic portal and half the party goes through because we are being chased
>huge ass wererat hauling ass after us, not giving two shits about anything we throw at it
Now, the session before we had managed by an exceptional roll to find a scroll of disintegrate.
>disintegrate the rat and run through the portal
>level 7 wizard desperately fighting my party after being woken up
>still dies on the first blow from our dwarf fighter (max damage crit)
>guards burst into the room, just orcs, get their asses handed to them

Everyone settles in and fortifies the place, I yank a wand out of the wall to deactivate the portal while everyone investigates the room.
>get a wonderful idea
>flash the wand in and out, receive the face of an orc
>grab the mattresses from the guard room and drive my collection of short swords through it (I had picked up a few along the way)
>prop up a matress against a pile of corpses
I wound up with roughly 5 dead orcs before any of them succeeded in making it through. When they did, I had our dwarf fighter kick the matress which to the frustration of the DM managed to kill another 3. I wound up taking the other matress and using it like a porcupine as I crossed a field, dropping to the ground and covering myself with it. One of the orcs who attacked me during that time failed his intelligence roll with a 20 and twice, wound up staring at me the first time, and on the second the DM decided it forgot how to breath. At the end of the session he was just shaking his head in frustration as I had managed to kill over 20 orcs by driving swords through matresses.
There's pathfinder which is 3.5 if 3.5 was good.
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Here's a screencap of it
>playing a fairly dense, 7 foot brick shithouse of a human fighter who weilds a shield and a hammer.
>puns involving his name/justice/hammers are the order of the day.

Oh the fun I am having with this character.
His name is Krohn.

Essentially started channeling Horatio Caine.

>I have the weirdest Krohn-er right now.
>You could say his illness was... Krohnic.
>I like my drinks cold, with just-ice.
>You're about to get put in the KROHN ZONE
>Smoking the Krohnic

The list goes on.

He was raised by a Paladin so he always tries to give inspirational speeches and stand up for what is right. Except he's a fucking idiot.

>Entire party stealthily tries to take out an enemy garrison.
>Assassin going all over the joint, full stealth, wrecking shit.
>Krohn has bluffed his way in as one of the enemy.
>When the time is right, Krohn tries to subdue a simple low level sentry.
>PLan is to use his hammer's handle like a garotte and choke him.
>Drops the hammer.
>Guard turns around.
>Uh... everything ok, buddy?
>Krohn panics.
>Tries to headbutt him.
>Headbutts the wall.

He put himself in the Krohn Zone that day.
Not sure if your character is brilliant or a complete moron.
>Play Arbitrator in Dark Heresy
>Gotta go rescue fellow acolytes from crazy cultist.
>Get ambushed at the door by a augmented freakshow
>fucking thing crits me on the arm. Rolls Crit, 10
>Arm is burned off, I burn a fate point to live, I'm at 0 FP [Character got wounded a lot].
>Roll Toughness not to fall unconscious from shock. Pass
>My turn, I slam the fuck with my shockmaul. Crit, 8, Arm
> I rip out his augmented arm with a powersword in it. Proceed to stab him with his own arm.
>Proceed to clear out the rest of the heretics by mauling them to death with this robotic arm.
>Cult leader is a psyker, he rips out the arm from my other hand
> Nigga I don't even care
>Rush him and pull out my shotgun
>DM " You can't fire the gun with one hand, it's pump action"
>Me "Oh I know, I'm going to brace the shotgun ... in his mouth"
>Roll grab. Fucking success
>Instant crit because shotgun slug to the head by a vox-legi is hardcore
>Pull my friends out
>Later get the arm installed on character.
Complete moron.
But he has redeeming moments. He used gold from a quest to open and pay for a small hospital in the first town we came into, since it lacked a dedicated healer.

He tries, bless him.
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I once ran a one shot 3.5 game with 2 players that played as Half Orc Half Brothers. It was glorious. They made Dul and Lud, who after shenanigans in the tribe got banished. To redeem themselves they had to find "The Heart of the World" which was a fake item made up by the elders. More shenanigans ensued.
>they manage to escape with their wounded and Agent Benson lives long enough to be retired from play after they take him to an Imperial Hospitalis.
Best ending.

>The Molotov Incident
Information. NOW.

Anyway, I've already told the story of how the party's Idolatrix Magos managed to make himself achieve escape velocity, by accident. However, I haven't told the story (which happened today) of how my character died.

>be playing psyker, with a twist (he's an amnesiac Genestealer Magus)
>halfway through current boss fight. It's a Grey Knight Terminator. He's traded in his gun arm for a giant-ass shield
>our lobotomised Fleshshaper assassin has blinded him with a shot
>Mr Terminator decides "I can't see. TIME FOR BULLRUSH WITH SHIELD."
>EVERYONE in the way but my character succeeds the agility test
>Fuck. Spend last infamy point. Fuck, critfail.
>Fail agility test to bounce off the shield, end up falling underneath a terminator. Fuck.
>Not enough infamy to burn. Fuck. Dead.
Ah well. Guess it means I have to come up with another character concept, and I have an idea for what it's going to be.
Hey, I'm glad you liked it.
>8 hours late
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>Fail agility test to bounce off the shield, end up falling underneath a terminator. Fuck.
>Not enough infamy to burn. Fuck. Dead.

...back at base.

'So then brothers, after I scraped their scum friend off my boots bottom I turned and said, "Looks like that heretic came to a flat stop!" You should've seen their faces brothers.'

Sorry about your character though.
Nah, the GM worked out that the Thousand Sons Sorceror's warpy bolter should've been a little more overpowered than it actually was.

That's right, the rest of the party killed that Grey Knight Terminator. They killed him good. And the fleshshaper has scraped my remains up and is intending to use them and the body of the Grey Knight to make a flesh-puppet.
Well, at least he's not a jerk.
He seems to be a likable fool.
>Party consists of Iron Fist ripoff. Angry Cowboy who mimics substances like Absorbing man. Doc Ock Ripoff, shameless ripoff. My Super Angsty Gothic Energy manipulator and a Ice Man styled chick whose specked for close quarters brawling but is too afraid to get hit and sticks it out at range which she sucks at.
>This is Ice Chicks story.
>Terrorist attack on city, lots of mid range baddies, nothing we can't handle normally, theres just literal thousands of them because comic books.
>Ice Chick has the simplest job out of all of ours, get TWO of these guys off a bus full of hostages, I'm on their super submarine looking for their boss, Kung fu ninja is taking out their missile platforms (don't ask) Angry Cowboy is brawling their heaviest hitter. Nurse Octopus is handling stragglers.
>Ice chick gets to the bus, classic intro, diving through a window. Init gets rolled, she wins, dashes forward at the two gunmen, Critically fails the attack, GM determines that with the rain and the blood from some of the already killed hostages the floor is slippery, roll a balance.
>Crit fail, dives right throw the front windshield. Roll Endurance VS damage. Crit Fail. Dead.

The people on the bus did not survive.

Though nothing compared to the legendary Beagle caper of Milwaukee.
>Be playing 3.5
>first dungeon
>doing fine
>checking all the traps
>detecting all the traps
>feeling all the traps
>beating the rogue for seducing all the traps
>nearing the exit
>new room
>forget to check for traps
>black pudding from the ceiling falls
>engulfs 4/6
>dissolves 4/6 while bard and wizard bludgeon it to death with a staff
>DM is howling with laughter
>shows us his dungeon layout
>only trap was poison needle on front door
>and black pudding on ceiling
>Be playing skull and shackles pathfinder
>Gnome spellslinger with a medium musket
>oversized weapon penalty
>fuck it, I'm a badass
>this is why i have true strike
>be pirates
>encounter privateers
>Our guys make parley
>they agree
>go over and talk to super sexy half-elf female privateer captain
>damn I wanna tap that
>our also super sexy half-orc female pirate captain demands surrender of half-elf and further diplomatic exploration in her cabin.
>half-elf declines, first mate is minotaur dude with great axe
>I shoot the half-elf, crit, QT half-elf dies instantly
>our captain talks to minotaur, care to discuss your surrender to me in your new quarters
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>Playing first ever RPG
>3.5, large party of 7-8 people
>Our werewolf quits cuz drama but DM refuses to delete her plot-line with evil sister
>We are levels 8-11
>Slogging thru underground trap infested pyramid with druids hiding somewhere.
>Get to end of dungeon, slogging thru muck
>GM "suddenly the much around your feet turns to stone, 3 druids appear from the corner, halls open in the wall 50 werewolves come out
>Tells magic users "You can see the alpha and she is twice her size, you can tell she is flowing with magical buffs."
>Gives us a shit eating grin "hope you guys don't wipe." Starts getting pissy when two players say its time to whip out plan S and refuse to tell him until next session.
I am actually happy I got kicked out because I was ready to take the GM's head off after that description then ending the session, I hope they all get wiped.
MFW this whole thing
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>"Fool! I have become TRULY immortal! Behold!" Vampire lord pulls a lever, opening up the roof to let in the light of the sun
>Bursts into flames and dies like a bitch
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>Playing our first 3.5 campaign.
>Currently level one or two.
>Traveling through the mountains.
>DM is tired of us steamrolling his encounters, throws a cyclops at us.
>We're caught between the cyclops and a cliff, nowhere to run
>Decided that our only chance is blind it before smears us
>DM decides that we can target its eye at a -4. Most of our attacks miss.
>Cyclops' turn now, here it comes
>Nat 1, confirms for crit fail, cyclops clubs itself in the eye.
>Round 2. Same strategy, we all miss again.
>"Oh God we blew it, now he's going to kill one of us."
>Nat 1, confirms for crit fail, cyclops clubs itself in the eye.
>"The cyclops is now blind"
>Round 3. DM has to pick a random direction for the cyclops to move.
>DM rolls. Cyclops walks off cliff.
>Party's collective face when.
>playing Scion
>character is a Japanese-Russian taxi-driving swordsman with absurd Epic Strength, as all the other characters are more dex/int based and I felt the team needed more muscle
>my character's introduction has him chasing after a pickpocket who has stolen an artifact belonging to one of the other characters
>I immediately jump ahead of him using my character's 36-foot horizontal leap and cold cock him in the face
>I forget that the pickpocket is just a normal, non-superpowered human
>the pickpocket's jaw practically disintegrates and our next "mission" is to drive him to the hospital
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>our next mission is to drive him to the hospital
I feel like you've told us this story already. The only thing I don't like is this story sounds so xD LOLSORANDUM that I just can't see that happening. Couldn't the Gm have just said the potatoes aren't heavy enough to set off pressure plated traps?
I laughed.
It was more of a cutaway than a proper mission. Just an excuse to have some other characters go off and do something while mine was brought up to speed during the drive.

Then later:

>we're fighting a coven of witches
>the main witch transforms into a giant beast form that is being constantly fed power by its underlings
>underlings are standing on balconies around the room just out of reach
>I leap up and aim for the balcony with my sword, hoping to cut it down and take care of all the witches on it in one attack
>I roll a critical success
>I not only cut down the balcony on one wall, but I cause it to dislodge, swing down and slam into the balcony on the other side of the room
>2/3rds of the witches have been taken out in one move
>GMing party of private investigators looking for factory owner who went missing
>They find out he faked his death and go to the hotel he's staying at before his flight.
>When they break in, I tell them he is in the shower, to give them time to snoop around the room/make sure its the right guy.
>Players decide to just walk into the bathroom
>Roll stealth/sneak and creep up right next to shower.
>They all just pull open the shower curtain and scream at him.
>Poor guy slips and knocks himself out.
>Throw his naked wet unconscious body in the car and call it a day.

In retrospect I should have punished them by having them mix up the rooms.
>Getting run down by chaos bikers
>Decide to fuck it and hurl my gun at one of the riders
>Knock him off bike, I get on said bike
>Start chasing down other bikers with my new ride
>One guy comes up alone side me
>Challenge him to a race
>Start going full speed across the warzone
>Ramp of destroyed rhino, he ramps off a ruined land raider after splattering a deamonette
>Reveals himself as fucking Doomrider midway through jump
>slams down right next to me and we keep going
>getting into range of imperial artillery
>drive right into middle of strike
>shell hits right in front of doomrider
>he ramps out of the crater goes straight into a warp portal
>finish race at imperial lines
After that was a very entertaining conversation with an inquisitor as to why that race was necessary as part of our plan.
but then you'd have to describe each and every movement within the room, and detail exactly how much pressure you put into every step, otherwise how does the DM know you put enough pressure on the trap to set it off?
Pretty sure just about any pressure trap is made for small humanoids and above, unless you can reduce your weight to that of a potato.
Not that guy but the potatos aren't just being placed on the traps, they're being thrown at them. So the weight doesn't really matter since they have enough force to set off traps.
If it was a stone floor that the pressure trap was in, wouldn't it just splatter against the stone? I don't know if potatoes would splat but I don't think it would apply enough force to move a slab of stone downwards even if it was thrown pretty hard.
>running low fantasy with the plot ripped from Deus Ex
>Liberty Island, PCs split into two teams of two
>one goes to the dock, the other to the stand-in statue
>when the dock hobo mentions his side business with the rebels, one of the two who went to the dockhouse steps back
>"I'm going to flip-kick this guy in the face"
>you fucking what
>rolls a Nat 20
>hobo is now doubled over with a broken nose after a knight front flipped boot first into his fucking face
>the other PC draws his sword and starts hacking at the hobo
>lops off an arm and doesn't even take the key
>at this moment an explosion is heard from the stand-in statue
I really should have expected this, in hindsight, considering that one of the players was Wazgor Shakbag himself.
Potatoes aren't in the habit of going splat unless they're rotten, even if you do hurl them really hard. Even the ones that are going green and about to sprout still have about as much substance to them as a rock of the same size.
Lying is not nice. Pathfinder is just as shitty as the 3.5 it is based on it, in fact it found more ways to be shitty than its predecessor.
>Party is the vanguard of Royalist Army
>Rebels send a fearsome champion forward to duel for the sake of honor
>Minotaur Barbarian volunteers when no one else will
>Rebel Champion removes glove and slaps Minotaur Barbarian - "I demand satisfaction."
>Minotaur Barbarian removes gauntlet
>Player: "Hey can I use Power Attack with my fists?"
>DM: "Sure"
>20, confirmed, full damage.
>Rebel champion was one shot by a bitch slap
>be playing heroes unlimited
>i'm playing a female psionic who's not got complete control on her abilities yet
>another player has some kind of ability where he can launch small things like rocks, knives, etc at railgun speeds, does loads of damage
>my character, not wanting to be outdone tries to do it too with psionics
>roll to strike, get natural 1
>shoot self in leg, nearly become amputee

ITT: A bunch of shit that never happened.
>>Playing snake oil necromancer, who a few levels in Bard and max Charisma
>>Necro and Diplo-mancy potent combo
>>Come to massive city, massive opportunity to be a slick con man...
>>Except order of Paladins are based here, regularly walk the streets, have legal authority.
>>Shiggy Diggy.
>>Conduct survey that discovers 85% of living beings exposed to the Paladin's detect evil power almost immediately suffer fatal health complications
>>Bring to city council.
>>Sue Paladin order.
Potatoes aren't tomatoes.
A little late in the day for this but Touch of Golden Ice does DEX not CON damage. Still just as useful though!
He had 30 potatos, maybe he threw like five of them at a time or something.
Okay, that one made me laugh.
2nd edition
>Party getting towards end of succubus encounter
>She only has a small amount of health left
>To finish her off Cleric pulls out "Dwayne" his pet rock found earlier in the dungeon
>Rolls to blugdeon her with rock
>paladin goes next
>takes rock from cleric
>aims to bludgeon
>another miss
>finally passed to warrior
>rolls high enough to clobber her and win
>Dwayne was later given sentience thanks to Paladin's praying to god

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