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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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"I'm a specialist transmuter. Wanna know how good I am?"

"I'm about to turn your children into orphans."
"Why shouldn't you trust me?!"

"You killed eighteen people, and you're just not a very good person in general."
"You can't do this to ME! I'm your FATHER!"

"I'm putting myself up for adoption."
"Wait, waaaaait, WAAAAIT, you filthy daemoooon! We challenge you to a ROCK-OOOOOFF! Give us one chance to rock your socks off!"
"I'm literally going to eat your heart after this, I'm not even a cannibal"

"I'm going to break that beak off and wear it as a hat!"

"I swear I didn't start that forest fire (roll for bluff!)
"Why don't you guys trust me?"

"Probably because your grimoire is made out of human flesh."
"I hope you die with a dick in your mouth and a foot up your ass!"
"I have slumbered in endless nightmare for 20,000 years! But my suffering has not been for naught! My dark powers earned in damnation eternal shall snuff the light from this pathetic world that shackled me and I shall ascend to GODHOOD!"

"Yeah, uh, you can fuck right off. Shiv 'm boys!"
Paladin: "Akbar, go and scout ahead!"

Akbar (rogue who hates adventuring but has to if he wants to inherit his father's business): "No, I'm really bad at sneaking (filthy lies)."

Paladin: "Akbar, I've seen you sneak, I know you can do it."

Akbar: "If you've seen me, clearly I'm not very good!"

That's kind of true.
"I'm about to fuck you like your daddy used to!"
"If we're going to rip a hole in reality, we should probably do it on purpose."
"I have a bullet with your name on it. And I'm going to keep firing until I find out which one it is!"
"Did you just Intimidate an Eldritch Abomination?"

"To be honest, I did not expect that to work."
"Hey, if I taxidermy this dragon, how much could I sell it for?"
Turning to a Druid Acolyte.
> Hey, is your name Gill?
>Because you're about to be a fish, motherfucker!
I then proceeded to kick him overboard.
*Captured by Dark Eldars"
Me (Techpriest)"I'm going to pull my plasma carbine from my hidden compartiment"
GM "Where is that ?"
Me "Where my uterus is supposed to be"
"Now see here, we worked hard on this ritual. Summoning Shub Niggurath ain't so easy any berk can do it. It's not like the Cult of Hastur, where you say his name three times and he pops in for a pint and a game of darts."

"Hey, isn't there one who shows up if you say his name once?"

"Oh yeah, Y'golonac. Summoning him's easy; just say the word, and in he comes, hairy at the hell and looking to give it to you in the neck...oh, shit-"
"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over how under arrest you are."
"Where were you guys?"

"I was selling my organs."

"What? Why?"

"Cash. Besides, they'll grow back."
"Greetings, your imperial Majesty."

This was said by a Shardmind Swordmage to a toaster.
"Well, me and Siegfried had a tiney tiny bit too much to drink.....and our poor, sweet, innocent minds were tainted by the scene of my mother sleeping with the sneaky bard...."

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Me (In possession of a figurine of wondrous power shaped like a snake): "No, it's okay, I can throw him onto the fire-spout and he can tank the flames for us! SLITHERS!"
DM: "The figurine begins to grow to it's fullest size in your hand, coiling around you and your companions. The trap goes off, shooting fire at you. Roll for grapple."

>entire party's face
"If I fall into infinity, it will be infinity minus 40 feet." - Our monk, on the merits of slow-fall.
>NPC (member of a hive-like race): We only discuss our business with the Masters.
"Well then. We'll be back once we get our blackbelts."

>NPC has a partymember as a human shield
"Drop my friend, or I'll drop you!"
"Did you enchant my salmon?"
"Does a Druid shit in the woods?"

"How do you trip a snake?"

"I am *not* going to be the one to jerk off the bull."

"I am going to break into that carpenter's shop and use Warp Wood to make a huge cock in the seat of every chair."
Wood Shape. Not Warp Wood. My bad.
I like this one a lot.
"Yeah, just watch me roll 1 on putting out this fire and everyone dies"
guess what happened
"Yeah. Fuck this. I'm going to go be a tree for a while."
"I'm doing my part to save the environment ! I'm planting a SPINE TREE! "
"get off me you little bastards! Ooh I bet your parents beat you!" Said as a bunch of rescued children dog piled onto the party's cranky halfling rogue.
"Are you a wizard?"
"I attack the donair"
[GM has asked for perception rolls.]
Ranger- [confidently] "We can probably see, we're elves, the moon's out or at least a sliver."
Fighter- "It's daytime. And it's a listen check."

Some NPC- "Brigands and criminals have been growing bolder and more numerous, while our forces are stretched thin. Can we trust you to watch over the keep?"
Ranger- "You can trust us at least in that respect...in watching things."

Cleric- [has just sundered his adversary's weapon, and stands in triumphant exultation for a moment before being summarily disarmed.] "Wait, what just happened?"
GM- "He took your sword and now he's going to cut you with it.

[The Flounder Pounder is the cheapest bar/fishhouse in town, and also a front for the local assassin's guild, which the party has been intending to deal with for a while.]
Fighter- "The Flounder Pounder happy hour: if we get going now..."
Cleric- "...we can get the asskicking in and then have fish!"

[The party has just finished repelling an aerial assault of catapulted halflings.]
Ranger- "My fellow citizens, we have succeeded in getting a halfling to the moon."

[Ranger has been disarmed, and we are regrouping during a very brief lull in combat.]
Ranger- "Kick me my weapons!"
Cleric- "Pfft. I'm not your slave."
Ranger- "Uh."
Cleric- "I'll heal you but I'm not gonna pick up after you."
Ranger- "...Well..."
Cleric- "I'm not your momma."

Monk- "You don't worship a god?"
Cleric- "No. I draw my power from the planes of chaos and good. And neutral sometimes."
Monk- "Do you have even a single rank in religion?"
Cleric- "Not really."

Rogue- "Does Warlock have any fly left in him?"
Ranger- "Warlock has all the fly in him that he'll ever need, forever."
Rogue- "Wait Warlock can fly forever?"
Fighter- "He's a magical air fish."

Rogue- "If you had a hundred strength, how high could you throw me?... I'm just asking."
Ranger- "Is it time for us to call Psion and have him fly the boat over?"
Fighter- "Fly the?-- Clearly I am out of the loop regarding certain recent developments."
Rogue- "Can Psion actually make our ship fly?"
Warlock- [thoughtfully]. "...Once."

Ranger- "Nice shot Fighter, but let's see how this works!" [rapid shots holy water at the frightened town councilor]
Town Councilor- [wet and confused, but completely unharmed] "Wh-what?"
Ranger- [pulling out another vial and staring at the next councilor.] "I know there's a vampire in here somewhere."

Rogue- "I'm smarter than you are."
Cleric- "That makes me weep."

NPC Ally [who's just returned to town]- "What's Ranger been up to?"
Cleric- "Ranger's dismantling someone's house. For stakes."
NPC- "Still that vampire problem, eh?"

Ranger- "I'd ask Fighter to come with me, cause we might be safer in numbers, having one person able to run and say, 'Aghhhhh he's dominated!'"
Fighter- "Yeah I'm not coming."

GM- "Dwarf's excited to come back and smash, or, cut some vampires. He says he's gonna want his sword back.
Cleric- "Feh!...yeah, when he takes it from my dead...his cold, or his cold dead...Well he's gonna die if he tries it."

[A game of capture the flag...actually more like calvinball]
Rogue- "Give us the flag! You're on our side!"
Cleric- "Cleric's on his own team, woman!"

[Cleric pulls his sword out of the wreckage of the door frame and gestures politely.]
Ranger- "That's not what we had in mind when we asked you to open the door."
Cleric- "I am not a rogue. I am merely the masters--of the planes--breaking things...stealing power...planar breaking guy?"
Hah! Along pretty similar lines;

"Throughout the western coast it is known that my dynasty has existed since ancient man first realised his inherent superiority over his neighbours and took to them with whip and shackle. What did you think could break a line that extends back to the dawn of the gods?! Common men? With swords?"

"Seems to have done the trick so far"
"Lass, why don't ye search over the dead alchemist's belongings for a cure for indigestion, so ye can QUIT YER BELLYACHIN'!"

-My salty female pirate after the party wouldn't stop bickering about something I can't even remember anymore.
"what's left in your quiver?"
"Six shots, more than enough to kill anything that moves"
Rogue to a captured NPC. "Tell us where your people's hide out is."
DM: He says nothing.
Rogue: Are you a mute?
DM: He says nothing.
Rogue: *pulls out his knife* Interesting, I always wondered if a mute can scream.
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That's pretty good
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>level 1 party
>out in a forest, get attacked by a large snake
>kill it, decide to cook it and have a victory breakfast
>our bard rolls perform
"But I -did- save Christmas, though."- God-blessed Gunslinger

"Hey, Old Bitch, long time no see." - Mafioso Wraith

"Roger fuckin' -wilco-, we're out." - Werewolf

"I've punched your friend's -horse- to death! Stop running and I shall be gentler with you!" - Barbarian
-I'm not doing anything wrong
-You're stealing their souls

-I turn the pidgeon

-I incite the peasant to praise Orcus
Get in the fucking boat Franklin... -Death
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forever dm here i have a couple from earlier today in a pathfinder game actually

me describing tavern they walked into as pretty much the first thing we did to start off a brand new campaign. sent them here for rumors/info on area/merchant info etc.

describing area and the people they see.
mention there's another group cleary set up for an adventure. hint VERY strongly that they are much stronger than the pc's

"i'm gonna stealth"
don't do it
"pulling out my dagger is a free action right?"
do you have it as your currently equipped weapon?
"i sneak attack him"
the area is brightly lit also you need to roll for stealth first
"fuck it, i know these guys are gonna try to kill me. i yell loudly and charge the nearest one"

a few minutes later TPK
"nice tpk in the first 5 minutes, you're a bad dm"
When my fighter got really drunk and then the town got attacked by zombies.
>Peasent: The zombies are attacking, my lord!
>Me: Are you sure our town (Refering to the town as the city itself) hasn't moved to attack the zombies? That is bad diplomacy, you know.
The peasents was very confused when he got back to drinking
he yelled "for narnia!" btw
Travis leave your big brother at home
>What're those white things climbing the boat?
>SEAMEN! It was skeletons.
>Please, do not kill me! I have many wives and children, kill them instead!
The Bann's son looks upset, as if he'd rather not be at this party.
>I make a pass at him
He looks absolutely revolted, and disgusted by your very existence.
>I make a pass at his fiancé, all while staring meaningfully at him
And then the parties dwarf made a pass at her too. Good times.
>Ranger- "Nice shot Fighter, but let's see how this works!" [rapid shots holy water at the frightened town councilor]
>Town Councilor- [wet and confused, but completely unharmed] "Wh-what?"
>Ranger- [pulling out another vial and staring at the next councilor.] "I know there's a vampire in here somewhere."

Is it bad that I can say I've done almost the same thing?

>Party knows there's at least one vampire among the politicians gathered in the town hall.
>"I have a cunning plan!"
>Start randomly flinging holy water everywhere.
>All the politicians pissed.
Thanks god it's not just my parties that have terrible vampire plans.
>Vampires disguised as actors in a popular play, we decide to wait in the crowd and pick them out
>get mobbed by thralled teenagers, accidentally kill most of them, not allowed back in that town again
>another campaign, fighting the BBEG Vampire.
>buff the fuck out've the Dwarf Barbarian so that he has nearly 25 strength.
>he purposely makes eye-contact with the vampire, gets dominated, proceeds to attack party
I've put my party up against vampires four times in our long history of gaming together.
TPK. Every. Single. Time.

How a party with -two- Clerics and a Paladin among its number die to Vampires three levels lower than the party level is beyond me.
Reminds me when we faced a vampire in DoD trudvang.
Didn't have any skills in combat and was just a surgeon/wiseman about 70 years old.
>Fighter: We can't go in there, she is to dangerous
>Me: Let's smoke her out.
Proceed to ignite the house.
Which in turn proceed to ignite the village and the forest next to it.
DM deemed it a success and exp was awareded.
Vampires are just a tricksy bunch man. That last Vamp they only managed to kill by literally dog piling him while the Cleric spammed Sunlight.
Did you get XP for the villagers and forest animals that burned up too?
Don't remind me of bloody vampires...
Party decided to fight a vampire and forgot to bring holy water.
Ends with them reasoning that a clerics "Water" should be holy by right.
They stack up on the vampire while the cleric starts to take a piss on it.
I took a break from DM'ing after that game.
"Not now, I need to oil my owl"

I have a clockwork owl.
Oh screw it, now I'm getting hit hard by nostalgia after posting that.

Necromancer: You know what makes for a good stew?
Fighter: What?
Necromancer: Bone meal.
Fighter: *Pukes up stew.*

Necromancer: I could have sworn I left that corpse there.
Rogue: You left one behind?
Necromancer: What? You don't leave to take a bath after you have sex?

Fighter: Remind me again why I can trust you to not turn me undead.
Necromancer: Because the contract clearly states that I only get to turn you into a Zombie after death by rabbit mauling.

Necromancer: It's a bear-manticore-dragon-rabbit-deer. ...Too much of a mouthful?

Rogue: Okay, door's disarmed.
*Zombie busts through it.*
Rogue: ...I just disarmed it.
Necromancer: And now I made sure that it would never bother anyone again.

Fighter: Great, now we either need to raise her or cast a Speak With Dead. Necromancer, the hell are you doing over there?
Necromancer: Huh? Oh, not much. Just trying to talk to Yorick. *Holds up skull in his hand.* S'alright?
Skull: S'alright.
Necromancer: Here thug, beat them to death with your stone fists!

Thug: OK *swings*
Unconscious thug after hitting himself

Necromancer: you useless piece of AAAARGH die!

Rogue stabs him for a crit and one hits him, that is how we killed 2 level 4's at level 1.

Mansion of man who 'cares' for a vampire.

Baron Von Skypeguard: please leave your holy symbols and stakes here.
Dwarf Fighter: OK
Baron Von Skypeguard: Just go through this door.
Dwarf goes through, DM: in front of you is the vampire.
Dwarf Fighter: That was dumb
Meet Joss Whedon in game
>"Who the fuck is Josh Wheaton"

>"Why is our first plan always to set it on Fire"
>"Because so far we have not needed to think of a new plan, it's a good plan"

>"Next person to Singe me beard gets a Hammer to the face"

>"If it doesn't burn we are not trying hard enough"
"Captain, you are relieved of duty."

And then he beheaded the Captain of the outpost that had sold us out to an Orcish warband.
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So the BBEG stole the MacGuffin and captured one of our party. I'm playing a low-wis alchemist who doesn't think everything through.
The BBEG starts to gloat from the top of his tower.
>"Hah! You thought you could protect this book from me?! I am-"
"Why do you even want it in the first place? You're already so powerful as it is." I asked, quizzically.
>"Hah! You think I need this to destroy you! Here!"
The BBEG then proceeds to toss me the MacGuffin he stole from us ten seconds ago. He wasn't done yet, though.
>"Go! Flee! I will spare your lives for now, as a sort of sport. I want to face you at your full strength! I'll keep this Paladin friend of yours for now, though."
"I'm just curious, why don't you just kill us now? I mean, we're the most powerful people in the area and the only ones who pose even a semblance of a threat to you. It would only make sense to deal with us-"
It was then that the BBEG interupted me by tossing our Paladin ally at me, hitting me in the chest. The re-united party and I then quickly took our leave.
And that is how I, through sheer incompetence and stupidity, saved the price-less artifact and one of our party members
Man, that's great. You can have so much fun with Necromancers. A buddy of mine once played a Dread Necromancer that was a member of the Necropolis, the Necromancer Bureaucracy. This character was later incorporated into our own campaign as a minor antagonist. His argument with our Cleric was great.
>You cannot be trusted, Necromancer! The existence of your vile organization is a blight upon this land! What's to stop you from raising an undead horde and subjugating us once again?
>Do you have any idea how much paperwork raising an undead horde involves? It'd take a lifetime! It's barely worth it unless you enter lichdom, but don't even get me going on that! They completely scrub your benefits, you need a phylactery license…
The best part was that he was currently working with a blackguard who was attempting to raise an evil horde and conquer the land, because he had landed a shitty contract. He ended up casting Greater Blindness on our Cleric and teleporting him and the Blackguard out, muttering about how he missed his desk job.
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>Party comes across some kobolds glamered as children stealing vegetables off a farm >Players are accompanied by a Paladin NPC, who is doing his best to avoid hurting the "children"
>Party's Gunslinger sees a kobold's glamer fade after it's killed by another party member, doesn't tell anyone
"Oh they're just kobolds, see?"
>Proceeds to blow a "kid"'s head off before its glamer fades
>Paladin's face when
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Stupid anime antagonists
Our Paladin in one campaign was kind of a poncy idiot. He referred to all of his foes, no matter how vile and evil, as "dear sir". Including the Bugbear with the dead halfling strapped to his shield.
And he always, always fell for the fake surrender. We pursued the aforementioned Bugbear to the edge of a cliff, with the paladin in the lead.
>Paladin: My dear sir, you are clearly beaten. Lay down your weapons and I will accept your surrender.
>*GRMF* Very well.
So the Bugbear lays down his Morningstar and Corpse-Shield. Paladin steps forward to collect his weapons and BAM! Bugbear hidden-blades him. Critical hit, fast-acting paralysis poison. I swear to god that Paladin was the most naive bastard.
>"Hah! You think I need this to destroy you! Here!"
>...It would only make sense to deal with us-"
It was then that the BBEG interupted me by tossing our Paladin ally at me, hitting me in the chest.


I need to include a BBEG with freakish levels of self confidence and pride to the point of being easily manipulated into not really aggressing the PCs at all.
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"And that's how you do evil!"

"You just killed a whole family."
I love roleplaying like that

min/max my paladin
no INT

[after almost getting a TPK after a fake surrender]
Me: Do you yield?
Vampire: Yes?
[put away sword]
Me: well okay then, if you'll just-
entire table that's not the DM screams no
DM is just laughing
A friend of mine once played a campaign as a LE Cleric of Vecna, in a party that consisted entirely of good characters who for some reason never clued in that their cleric was an evil bastard until it was too late.
In what was to become their final session, they had to fight a Black Dragon. The battle was hard fought, but they managed to slay the beast. Tired and wounded, they hobbled through the tunnel to the dragons treasure chamber…
And came face to face with a much larger Black Dragon. They roll for initiative, and the cleric goes first. He weighs his options, and then simply says "I'm out" and Gaseous Forms out've there. As he does the party gazes in confusion and terror, and shout in dismay, to which he replies "for the love of Vecna, I'm evil! How have you not clued in on this? I REGULARLY RAISE ZOMBIES!"
It was a TPK after that.
"No, im going to let this happen. We need to show the world this hentai."
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I'd like some context, this sounds interesting
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Same game as before, there's no awesome dialogue but damn if it isn't a funny situation.
Same BBEG as before summons a huge creature to chase us down, this one specifically.
We're level 5 at this point, by the way.
While it is still closing with us, rising from the depths to attack us on the South beach of an island, I immediately chug three potions, one Ant Haul, one Expeditious Retreat, and one Haste.
I then throw the other three party members onto my back with my insane carrying capacity and start running away at 360 feet per turn.
I'm streaming through the jungle, laughing like a mad-man looking up at my friends strapped to my back, when my DM asks me to roll Acrobatics.
Natural 20.
I expertly leap over all of the terrain in my way, reaching the end of the island we're on in a few short rounds, leaving the horrible demon creature way back in my wake. Then the DM asks me to roll Acrobatics once more.
I trip and fall, the other PCs careen off my back and onto the North beach. The monstrosity is still far off in the distance. We find a cave to hide in and a few rounds later it soars over our heads and into the water, leaving us alone for now.
I turn to my allies and say, "That was fun! Let's go again!"
One time, my friend played a Changeling Illusionist. The thing was, nobody knew he was a changeling or a illusionist. As far as they knew, he was a half-orc Barbarian named Grug. He would use bluff rolls to make it seem like he was simply smashing things when in reality he was using magic.
However, everyone in the party thought that Grug was a retarded half-orc, so as such some pretty funny shit came out've it.
At one point, the party was trapped in a dungeon below an old fort. They couldn't find a way to break out, but "Grug" used a magic item he had been saving, a gemstone that would answer three questions. Since he "found" it, he insisted he got to ask the questions.
>Grug want to know where he is!
the gemstone tells him that they are in an underground dungeon below and old fort.
>Grug want to know how to get out!
the gemstone replies that there is a key to their cell
At this point, the rest of the party stop Grug and let him know, emphatically, that he absolutely must ask "where is the key" Grug nods and returns to the stone. He then, completely straight-faced, asks
>Will Grug ever find love?
The entire party is screaming at him, and the DM leans in and says "No."
>Grug then drops to his knees and scream to the ceiling "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"
That's a very cool character concept, I love it.
Our need for gold outweighs the baron's need to breath.

This blade as tasted more flesh then our bard has women.

Of course I'm on your side. You guys pay me more anyway.
that guy
weird fetishit
would not want at my table
palms are sweaty
sneaking is the avoidance of auditory givaways, seeing him sneak says nothing about how good he sneaks, as long as he doesn´t hear him.
Shadowrun session i was in years ago

tl:dr, we agree never to return to japan ever for any mission


spirits are weird
"It's a pleasure to, uhh... 'not die in an instant' with you."

"No, I do not know how to speak to a king, because I've never been anyone's subject. Should I ever need anyone to make decisions for me, I'll choose it among my friends. Perhaps someone else here has a better idea of what a king is."

"Do you think your blade is faster than a laser? THEN HOW ABOUT TWO LASERS, UH? And you fuckers, are you paid enough to die, OR WOULD YOU PREFER A RAISE?"
"After this, remind me why the hell i'd allow you to sail one of my ships again?"

"I can transform water into rum"

"Fair enough"
> Ok so you draw the rune and power out and there's a field of..like..freshness above it.
"I stick my hand in it"
> your hand feels amazing! you can feel the blood pumping fresh and clean through your veins
"I stick my dick in it"
sounds like a reflection of low Wisdoom rather than Int, but bravo for roleplaying a low mental stat regardless.

Wish my players did that.

>Not standing in it

Come on. Full body tingling would be awesome.
"Fuck off Titus I've got Necrons"
"All who serve under me shall be known as the Sons of Horace"
>Rogue Trader Horace Gonville Ferrero Magdalene Caius Hovis Augustus Rocher Flashheart Brazensword II
five minutes later after the guy came all over the floor

"well ok if that was a life rune we swap that symbol with this symbol then turn it on"
> Ok there's almost a sort of dark wound in the air, you feel like your should themselves are cold
"well I'm not sticking my dick in THAT"
buh, "souls themselves are cold"
CN Ranger: "You know, Creion, we haven't fought in a while."

LG Paladin: "I noticed. Something's very wrong with this place."

CN Ranger: "Not really, it's just our mutual hatred of the cleric."

CN Cleric: "Is there a way I could fill this entire room with water?"


LG Paladin: "I still hate you, though."

CN Ranger: "I figured."
"Dont forget to kill whole families, we dont want any orphans."
Glabrezu: You summoned me, mortal. Do you want power? Wealth? immortality?
NE drow shade wizard: Nah, I've already got all of this. I just need you to get some info for me. BTW I'm paying you 150 souls for this.
Glabrezu: ....
>Look mommy! Look what I can do!
I see, honey. Just keep firing.
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Nope, not buying dat shit
>Ravenloft campaign
>shitstorm's a-brewing in Vallaki, martial law in place by the burgomaster
>eventually Strahd sends one of his lackeys to quell the unrest, some kind of vampire sorceress
>my rogue acts unimpressed, goes back to enjoying her alcohol
>she herds the crowd up against a wall and blasts them with a cone of cold
>my rogue fails her reflex save, goes into negatives but the others attack/chase the sorceress off and manage to patch my character up
>first thing rogue says when she comes to is "Wench made me spill my drink."
I'll take war domain for 200
"I put the wyvern corpse into my Bag of Holding."

"What? Why?"

"We have to prove we killed it, right?"
This just makes me mad.
Oh lordy
Hat cat looks so betrayed...
The wizard from this >>30232146 post actually keeps several dozens of shadows in one of his bags of holding.
Wizard: GET IN THE BAG, or I'll destroy you *Intimidate check with huge bonuses*
Shadows: ...
Yeah, the whole champaign was sort of like that, the idea being that we where the guys who pretty much did all the clean up after the NPC heroes did their thing.

We learned now that D&D might be one of the worse systems for that.
Reminds me of that one Death personification variant /tg/ came up with once.
"Love is feeling at peace with that special someone no matter the situation"

My warlock telling this to a princess who has been travelling with our group through very adverse conditions, but has suffered none thanks to my char's invocation, that one called "aura of comfort" or something along those lines, that allows you to ignore high/low temperatures and such.

Princess was infatuated with my char, party's bard said it was unfair, and this happened: "Well you should've learnt to play the flute instead. Now you'd have something to go fuck yourself with".

Shit was so cash.
The party needs a sleeping potion for a jail-break scam they have going, so they visit the local alchemist, who is more than a little eccentric. He gives them a potion, and they start asking about how to use it, how effective is, etc.

>Alchemist: Quit your worrying, this stuff will knock out a horse.
>Paladin: How do you /know/?
>The alchemist points out the window to the courtyard, where the party can see a horse knocked out cold on the cobblestones.
Y-you know the spell Sunlight doesn't kill vamps, right?
My goblin rogue who hides in a box meets the party(he's inside the box, of course) tells them "I am a magix box, and you will be cursed if you look inside me"

Roll to bluff, nat 20.
Goes unseen the entire first session.
any enemy that saw me wound up dead
I assume this Akbar fellow is also good at detecting traps.
"You can't reprogram the T-Rex! You don't know her programming language!"

"I don't have to."
"I'm the plumber, I'm here to fix the boiler."
#1 "...you mean that the most difficult to get into room, the one room that had one way secret doors in not one but two walls that were both leading out of the room, this room that we're in right now, is a storage room?"

Me: "Yes."

#2 "The only thing in here are three barrels of pickles? And some empty shelves?"

"You got excellent search rolls, but yes."

#1 "...someone did this."

#3 "Pickle thieves. Hoarding pickles."

"#2 "They're out there somewhere."

My Thoughts: >...it was a randomly rolled dungeon, guys, in the plane of chaos...what the hell did you expect, conformity?
ME: "Well, that's what's in the room."

#2 "We'll get back to this. Come on..."

#1 "All right. I don't trust it."

They didn't let this drop for 3 years.
"It belongs in a museum!"

"This IS a museum!"

"...Well, it belongs in a BETTER museum!"

Sorceress: "I'm from {foreign country that probably exists} and I have claim to the throne. Since you are no longer of sound mind I relinquish you from the throne, effective immediately."

Deranged King: "Eh? What is your name girl?"

Sorceress: "I-uh..."-
Barbarian: "She is Princess Helga Lardbutt!"

Captcha: Monarch tocutele
LG Cleric: Last chance to surrender without any consequences.
GM: The ambushers seem to show no intent of submitting.
LG Cleric: See that 140 feet of forest you're all in?
It was put out one round later.
Did they ever find the pickle thieves?
do you have any more stories about that alchem? Please share, thay are fun as fuck.
amazing! More stories, please.
Actually it's avoiding detection of any form. Be that auditory, visual or other senses.
You are mixing up the action of sneaking with the D&D skill move silently.
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"She needs to die, she thinks she's a superior being and that makes it okay to eat people's SOULS."

"Well... she... she's sort of right..."
"That she blows! Run for the hills, the high ground is king!"
"I stick the landing"
DM: "you splatter across the pavement"
"You can't just trust every person who wee-pops into existence! How do we know Capn' Clicketyclack didn't make a mistake!?"
knees weak
arms are heavy
there's vomit on his sweater already
mom's spaghetti

He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs,
But he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down,
The whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's choking how, everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, time's up, over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked
He's so mad, but he won't give up that
Easy, no
He won't have it, he knows his whole back's to these ropes
It don't matter, he's dope
He knows that but he's broke
He's so stagnant, he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lab again, yo
This whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him
(player is playing a mechanical construct, he's just been started up for the first time in his full body)
"I think I shall take the name... Lue. Yes, that is a good name, it will strike fear int- *stands up*
...why am I so short"
"Brass is expensive, we needed to cut corners somewhere"
Arbites: "Check and see if the inquisitor is alive."

Assassin: "Uhhhh, he's all covered in pus and blood."

Arbites: "Welp, he's fucked."

Psyker: "Screw the whole thing, let's crash this ship into the planet and get out of here."
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only person not locked in a cage who just murdered a guard - i raep the body lol

rest of party - NO GOD DAMN IT NO STOP HIM

me - roll for it
Our party boasts a cleric of Hanseath, Dwarven God of drinking and revelry. His Potions are all holy whiskey, it's our main method of healing, which lead to the following exchange between him and my drow rogue.

"I'm starting to forget what water tastes like."
"Water? W'as that?"
Here are two from a Gurps campaign I was in:

*The Gun Bunny and Psion are standing off, and someone is going to die*
*Smuggler points his revolver at the two*
Smuggler: "If you two don't stop, I'm going to shoot the winner."
*They stop fighting*

*The party is fleeing from thousands of Locust creatures on the back of a truck. Two party members are badly injured. (For lack of a better descriptor) The Xenomorph on how to save the party:*
Xenomorph: "Let's throw off one of these dying guys! The Locusts will stop and feed on him!"
(The dying) Smuggler: "NO! THAT'S STUPID!"
Xenomorph: "Oh come on. Remember, you don't have to outrun the bear, just your friends."
*The Smuggler is spared*
Sorcerer: [Riding on Floating Disk] "I don't have to put up with your shit. I am above your petty inquisition."
Fighter: [Looks at Sorcerer] "looks like the only thing you're above is the ground."
Sorcerer: "The ground, and all those who walk upon it."

[Party recently waylaid at a ruined church by Mummies, told to go no further.]
Ranger: "Okay, so let's not touch the church."
DM: You find a large Pyramid-like structure up ahead. It is swarmed with Goblins
[Rogue and Ranger just arrow the shit out of the Goblins]
Rogue: "Okay, what kinda loot we got?"
GM: There's refuse and spare gear from the goblins, but in their camp atop the Pyramid, there is a large stone tablet.
Rogue: "Oh, okay. I'm gonna take the tablet."
[Howls far off in the distance]
Rogue: "I am putting back the tablet."
Thanks to some clever use of Magic Mouth, we'd convinced the monastery that their god was speaking to them.

Only one person beat the Bluff check.

>"Wait a minute, you're not our god at all!"

>"Blasphemy! True followers, burn the heretic!"
Apparently our GM didn't.

"Olen, why?"

I think the other way would be funny too.



LG Inquisitor/Paladin. deliberately invoking Judge Dredd, Robocop etc: "It is the law, we cannot allow such behavior to go unpunished."

CG Ranger: "I don't acknowledge your 'laws', man."

Paladin: "Irrelevant. They acknowledge you."

I really liked that Paladin. He once intimidated a crowd with a show of flashing steel, declaring "Disperse! I am the chosen and appointed champion of Sarenae - and that bitch is CRAZY."
Douchebag noble I humiliated: "I'll get you next time!"

Me: "That's what the dragon said"
My mage once made a deal in the faelands with some huntery-catlike fae.

The exact terms were "when you've answered all my questions, you may hunt me for sport unto the ends of the earth. Until that time you can do nothing that harms me or interferes with my will in anyway". This while in a very hairy situation (I was basically caught sneaking in their warren).

I asked them a bunch of questions. Then I said

>Well, that's all for NOW.. I'll let you guys know if I have any more questions, take it easy

And walked out of there. So my mage has a whole pack of rabid hunter fae very very mad at him but unable to do shit directly to me

>They've tried to kill my friends though. Like a lot.
I once played a retarded half orc named Fug and would routinely roll dice for kicks during non-dice-rolling situations to see if I'd act out or not

I at one point ended up threatening a shopkeeper who tried to sell me back a bow I sold him for 5 times markup, grabbing him by the collar and smashing him on the counter
>I d-dont have any

he then proceeds to pull out a bottle of fortified wine and explain to fug that this is a potion of lightning bolts

Fug paid 400 gold gloating about how he got a good deal to our necromancer Alex

A couple days later in game during a fight Alex was out of spells so Fug handed him the potion of lightning bolts

Alex drank it, and myself and the DM both laughed our asses off while everyone else was trying to figure out why the necromancer just passed out drunk
Be me, polymorphed into a bear in a rules-aware setting, bluffing out way into a castle for reasons.
>Ally: "Him? Oh, he's my animal companion."
>Me:*roll a 1* "... Yes, I am."
>Guard:*rolls a 1 on Sense Motive* "That's a heck of a trick, there, teaching your bear to speak. Go on in!"
"Let's go in the front door. They'd never think we're stupid enough to try that."
I mostly worked.
No one died, if that counts.
In one of our campaigns, one of our party members was Jim, the Warforged Duskblade. After my first character was killed off, I decided to roll up Tim, Jim's "brother".
Tim was a Warforged Charger Barbarian, with an intelligence of 8 and game-breaking strength. Everytime I tried to talk, I had to roll a charisma check to make sure I didn't just scream incoherently. Jim thought of me as his retarded sibling, and had to patiently explain to me the nuances of human culture. We had some fun with that session.
>We return to our friends shop only to find it full of ninja gangsters. Jim enters first while we prepare to ambush them. The leader turns to him and says
"Ah yes, Jim the Warforged. We've been expecting you"
So I crashed through the window trying to scream "WERE YOU EXPECTING TIM!?" but failed my charisma check and instead shouted "I LIKE THE PRETTY COLOURS"
I also kept trying to scream "OH YEAH!" whenever I smashed through walls.
some of the best stuff ever is the result of flubbed sense motive checks.

In my current game, my character (a paladin) is partied up with and now great friends with a character who is secretly a famous highway robber.

The only reason I didn't arrest and turn him in immediately is because I totally bought a bunch of his early bluffs.
This was before Borderlands 1 or 2.
But I get your drift.
"Please, have mercy!"

"I used to have mercy...UNTIL I MET YOU!!"
>blows off cliff

PC met the guy who killed his parents and kept him as a slave when he was a child. He took his revenge in a suitable cinematic fashion.
Dragon: "What are you looking at, mortal?"
My high-level psion: "Ashes..."
During a large scale battle, after commandeering an enemy airship.
>I look for the strongest general and dive the ship right into them
Repelling a colossus from the city
>I load myself into the nearest catapult...

These both happened during the same campaign.
What if he was speaking tomadrow?
Were you guys 14?
>>R.I.P Colonel Meow.
>i roll diplomacy

but they're wolves, they don't understand you

>i have a bear corpse, i give that to the wolves

fuck it, i'll roll it
>nat 20
ok i've spent four hours dragging corpses into this guy's house because he looked at me funny.

>i don't get it.

you'll see

>ok, everyone is back, the innkeeper/merchant guy is coming downstairs and rubbing his eyes. he's clearly just woken up.


>he finally notices you and all the clone corpses wat do

i roll to intimidate and say "care to join us for a game of poker?"

>nat 20

>heart attack

>instant death

and that's how the entire town of inbred, lovecraftian outsider-worshipping retards put the party on their shit list
>trailing a guy in Shadowrun
>only need a bit of info from him
>preferably without him realising
>pull up outside a club he's in just as he walks out
>mage pops the window of our van down, tries to mind control
>next thing he's alert and sprinting for his bike
>fuck it, kick open the door and roll for initiative
>being the StreetSam I win, of course

PhysAd, OOC: If I can put a word in, aim for the tyre.

Me: I'm Hyde, I make a called shot to the fuel tank.

Needless to say bike blew up thanks to ex-ex ammo and GM fiat (bike was an old model and used rather flammable fuel), PhysAd hits him with SnS, we drag him in the back of the van and interrogate the shit out of him. Then kill him Reservoir Dogs style.

We now have the term "Hyde-logic" used fairly regularly thanks to a few other similar situations.
>Haitian Pirate Captain to his (low intelligence) Crocodile crewmen after they demolish/consume an entire bar full of Spanish sailors.
"Da fuck ya boys bin doin' in deah?!"
-"Geddin' a snack."

>NPC bird gets eaten by one of the crocs for not helping in an attack by pirate hunters.
"Da hell ya eatin' now, boah?!"
>Flesh/fire mage to crocs upon noticing that there might be survivors in a STRAW hut in an abandoned village.
"Can you guys make a door"
>The crocs proceed to rush the hut, collapsing it onto them and the mage, who had a flame in his hand at the moment. Crocs gave 0 fucks, mage almost burned alive.

Lemme have a think here......

The job I had to do with my half-elf Bard merchant was to annoy a pair of Capoeira orcs. They had been watching us as we left our tavern headquarters. We formulate a plan to "coerce" them into an alley where we would kill them.

I wander over to the orcs and start - I ask for a description and one of the orcs has a long ponytail, but not a manly one:

>Hey orcs, get a load of this!
*Bard flips the orcs; orcs look a little confused but are now interested in me fully*
What, mate?
>"Hey, I thought ponytails were for girls. Or do you let your fuck buddy there pull on it when he gives 'et to ya?"

This pisses off one of the orcs - the ponytail one - who run after me. His buddy chases after his friend. I lead them to the alley and we kill them.

We interrogated one before we killed him. In our party is a manbear and for some reason he is bite-on-demand. So I ended up saying "Bite 'im." When I was finished interrogating the orc. He ripped his carotid artery out.
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>"Irrelevant. They acknowledge you."
Wizard I think (long ago original campaign)

"I can tell the laws of physics to shut up and go sit down."
"...And remember, this was completely random"
Oh god. Tell me he got that put on a copper plaque and hung up at the dojo he was trained.
That's some zen-shit right there.
>He's a magical air fish.
I am stealing this.

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