You are Willheim Vallentine, and you are in hell. You managed to escape from the succubus you pledged your soul years ago due to the timely intervention of Jack Black. So you've had a rather swell day so far, despite the fact your head was atomized by Cemi cal, who you'll make sure to visit once you figure out how to get back to the world of the living. Perhaps you could haunt her and drive her mad...well madder."Umm, dood" The blue penguin creature asks "Are you alright?". Oh yes, that is a thing, you didn't know demons came in such forms, hell every demon you encountered before looked rather fucking horrifying, but the bag headed creatures from before and this....thing are actually rather cute, However you have a bad habit of setting cute things on fire out of spiteYou grind your teeth in thought as the blue thing starts to sweat.What do you do>[x] try to have a friendly conversation with it>[x] Attack it because you're a spite filled asshole>[x] Ignore it and keep walking>[x] other
>>29536750>Paste bin http://pastebin.com/N6mHp4xW
>>29536764And now I wait
Rolled 7>>29536750>>[x] try to have a friendly conversation with itVillainous doesn't mean always an asshole
>>29537309this is true
>>29537309If no one else votes by the end of this hour, I'll just go with this
>>29537538You almost say thing as if it was a bad thing.How dastardly.
>>29537678Well you are still surround by bag head creatures and Kim'agari will get bored with dismembering the two imps you sent to distract her, eventually
>>29536750>lift it to see how light it is.I know exactly what this will do
>>29537845You'd have to throw it for that to happen
>>29537879yes, but prinnies(?) are incredibly light, so light that you feel like throwing them....also, it's easy to just toss them back to the ground instead of carefully putting them back down.
>>29537977Ok, I will admit you got me there
>>29537999plus, even if our Villain isn't an asshole, if he just "happens" to make the person he's talking to explode by accident, he won't feel particularly bad about it.
>>29537309>>29537845(may be a bit slow on Updates as I am now planning Darkheresy with some friends)You pick up the creature, seeing as it is polite to stare into one's eyes while talking to them and you hate staring down at it."SO blue thing" You say tossing the thing up and down "Where the fuck am I"."STOP, DOOD" It cries "STOP". It looks absolutely terrified"Fine you pansy" You say catching the panicked Penguin thing "Now where am I""The underworld, dood" He says "What have you been living under a rock or something"."No I just ran here to escape the demon who technically owns my soul" You say."Wait you aren't a demon, dood" it asks Looking quite surprised"Well unless all my horrible acts in life turned me into one" You say getting slightly angered at the thing "no""So you're a sinful spirit then, dood?" it asks"I guess" you say "Why does it matter"."Sinful spirits need to wear prinny hide or they'll fade away, dood" It says. Well shitWhat do you do>[x] put the thing on your head, that should work>[x] where do I get prinny hide? (said while tossing it up and down)>[x] Toss the creature >[x] other
>>29538289>[x] where do I get prinny hide? (said while tossing it up and down)hopefully he can point us to a factory that can give us the cap and jacket version.prinny hide is...gross.
>>29538289>>[x] put the thing on your head, that should work
>>29538358I imagine it is a horrid mixture of soft and rubbery
Fuck missed number 2, can i get a short brief of what happened? and do we have our horns yet!
>>29538508We ran, got our head blow off by Cemi callHad a rock off against Kim'agari,Summoned jack blackand ran into hell followed closely by a very angry succubus. then we blew a creatures head up via guitat
>>29538508Also no we do not have horns yet
>>29538536Sounds rad, and brings too mind the question, why the hell is a prinny NOT exploding right now, i demand explosions, particularly of the thrown hand grenade prinny kind.
>>29538580Because you have yet to throw it at anything
>>29538289>other:Tell me where i can find such a hide, and i may let you be my side kick, or at the very least kill you quickly.
>>29538358>>29538663"Where can I find such a hide" You say "and I may let you live"."Well then put me down, dood" It says squirming in your hands. You grind your teeth in thought"No" You say "I tend to not trust brightly colored animals, now point to the general direction of the hides"That would be the factory, dood" It says pointing at a building spitting out smoke and screams of torment in the distance, it reminds you of home.What do you do>[x] deal with the bagheads (how)>[x] Start towards the factory>[x] toss the creature>[x] other
>>29538806Put the little guy on your head and walk toward the factory.
>>29538806We have ourselves a new hat, might as well show it off whilst we walk to the lovely industrial building supposedly containing hide.(were the prin, go to factory)
>>29538902>>29538858It's like we're TRYING to kill ourselves
>>29539001We are in hell, what worse things could happen?
>>29539073Suffering, pain, death, blood, good deeds.
>>29539073become a prinny with a DEBT
>>29538858>>29538902You put the creature on your head and begin walking towards the quaint little remnant of the industrial era. However as you walk up the nearby hill, you realize, you forgot about the bag headed creatures as they appear in front of you"Oi, I'm walking here" You say to the one who stands in front of you. You try to walk around it as you don't wish to die twice again today.It jumps in front of you again"Well aren't you a real joy" You say pocking the thing in the chest "here I am showing you mercy and you decided to annoy me, like a cunt". you seem to have offended it, it lunges at youwhat do you do>[x] ignore it and keep walking (roll1d20)>[x] use an ability>[x] throw your hat at it (roll1d20)>[x] Strike it down for its insolence (roll1d20)>[x] other
Rolled 16>>29539226Kick it.
>>29539226where's the pastebin link again?>[x] ignore it and keep walking (roll1d20)they DO know what happens if they try to attack someone wearing a prinny, right?
Rolled 12>>29539226Kick it in the nuts! if it lacks them, leave a lump between its legs with a kick so that we can kick there again and call that its nuts.
I look forward to reading up on this session of washed up villain quest, but i need to sleep. goodnight!
>>29539296You kick on instinct, your bare ghost foot slamming into it's groin. It screeches in pain, as do all the others of its kind, the noise drilling into your skull as one rolls on the ground clutching it's groin, and the others stand on rocks and screech like the souls of the damned, which they probably are."Jesus fucking christ, my head" You say clutching your head "hat, what is wrong with these thing, can't they see I'm hungover?"."I don't know, dood" it says as you try to restrain yourself from screaming in agony "This is truly hell" You say as your eye twitches "I deserve all of this"."What exactly did you do, dood" it says"Lots of things, like setting fire to churches" You say "and killing one of these cunts on accident"."Do you really need to curse so much, dood?" it asks"Yes" You reply as you stare down at the withering creature on the groundWhat do you do>[x] ignore the creatures and continue walking>[x] punish them for doing this to you>[x] ask hat something>[x] other
Rolled 1>>29539639>>[x] ignore the creatures and continue walkingWhile singing.
>>29539639steal a weapon off him if he has one. Guitars are great and all, but I'd prefer something along the lines of that plasma gun in the future.
>>29539697You try to ignore the creatures, but their screeching drills a hole into your mind, driving you to the point of madness. You also notice that none of them have a single piece of weaponry between them, besides their clawsWhat do you do>[x] Sprint towards the factory>[x] Scream in rage>[x] throw your hat on the ground>[x] other
Rolled 14>>29539858>>[x] Sprint towards the factoryI hope we got a good cardio at least
>>29539858obviously, we need to STEAL THEIR CLAWS.
>>29539876>>29539953Shall I wait for a third vote, or roll to see what you do?
>>29540100roll for it.
>>29540171whelp, time to run around jostling the bomb we have placed on top of our head.
>>29540171You begin sprinting away from these foul demons, clutching your head as you scream in agony. You ignore the strange the creature looking at you strangely as your hat screams in terror"SLOW DOWN, DOOD" It screams in terrorroll 1d20
Rolled 9>>29540233Whats the worst that could happen?
Rolled 3>>29540245>roll 1d20
Rolled 2>>29540245>>29540257>>29540289I hope this is the comical, not-lethal-at-all explosion
Rolled 9>>29540317We are already dead.
>>29540317Your hat falls off.Roll1d20-2 to dodge
Rolled 18 - 2>>29540336
Rolled 16>>29540334we have a "body" at least.
>>29540355You hear a deafening boom as your hat screams its death cry, you manage to avoid being burnt, or blown up (again) but you do get knocked off your feet. You ears are ringing and your head still feels like someone jammed a nail into it. You clutch your head as you stare at the charred crater that used to be your prized hat. The factory is much closer now, and you can smell the tell tale scent of pain and suffering, it calls to you like a mother to her childYou need to get in thereWhat do you do>[x] Salute your fallen hat>[x] continue into the factory>[x] explore>[x] Play a little diddy on your guitar>[x] other
Rolled 14 - 2>>29540528>>[x] Play a little diddy on your guitar>[x] continue into the factoryAt the same time
>>29540582seconded.aaaaaand I'm out. This story has certainly taken an amusing turn, dood.
>>29540616I'm pretty sure there is now only one person in here besides me now
Rolled 10 - 2>>29540643It sure do from the looks of it.
>>29540669Shall We wait for more people or just call it?
>>29540643you may want to consider a twitter or some other way of announcing this in advance
>>29540717I have one https://twitter.com/MustachTwirler
Rolled 20 - 2>>29540709Up to you friend.
>>29540528>>[x] Salute your fallen hat
Rolled 7 - 2>>29540764Wait, how many anons are in here?
>>29540751>>29540751Ok Roll call, how many people are here
Rolled 14 - 2>>29540779I
>>29540779Captain standing by.
Rolled 1 - 2>>29540779I
>>29540809>>29540849>>29540858Ok I have enough to run, Get back to voting please
>>29540880My vote >>29540771
Rolled 4 - 2>>29540528>>29540582
>>29540616You begin to play a little diddy on your guitar as you began trudging towards the factory. Well if you don't get some prinny hides, you'll vanish.It menaces before you, you can hear shouting and exasperated sighsA boar man and plant creature stand guard at the gateWhat do you do>[x] oi cunts move>[x] try to sneak in (roll1d20)>[x]I'd like some prinny hides>[x] others
Rolled 8>>29541052Use your head offensively.
>>29541052>prinny hide please and thank you
>>29541085>>29541190Roll for it?
>>29541052fuck yea just got out of second work >[x] oi cunts movewalk in like we oun the place
>>29541085>>29541190>>29541451And now we wait for a tie breaker
>>29541404Are you guys alright with me rolling for what you do?
>>29541572let the dice gods speak!
>>29541650You decided to head butt one of them. the plant with boobs seems weakest. So you choose her. despite being a ghost, you hear and feel a very painful crackRoll1d20
>>29541726She stares at you angrily at you as a magical glow gathers around her"Fuck" You manage to say before a painful shock courses through your body.You find yourself staring at a ceiling, several strange creatures sewing together a blue fabric while cursing about something"Who'd steal prinny hide""who'd need that much anyway""He was a strange fellow wasn't he"What do you say>[x] writein
Rolled 8>>29541861>>[x] writeinWhere do you keep the booze in this craphole?
>>29541903yea I could use a drink
>>29541903"Oi, where do you keep the booze in this craphole?" You ask. The ignore you, talking about Trains, and fire, and other unimportant things"OI" you say sitting up "tell me where the booze is". You look down and notice your vomit covered ghostly coat is gone. What do you do>[x] look around>[x] look for booze>[x] use an ability>[x] other
>>29542227>>[x] look around
Rolled 17>>29542227>>[x] look for booze
>>29542280>>29542443Going to wait for a few more votes
>>29542538Also I must ask, how many people are still here
Rolled 7>Look for booze
>>29542689I am here!
Rolled 14>>29542689There is me
>>29542689I am but I just got here for the last one and don't post much, or at all if I like were things are going
>>29542771You stumble of a torn and worn couch, feeling far to sober for your tastes. The creatures sewing together the blue material pay no heed to you as you clumsily throw open and empty various cabinets and drawers looking for hidden booze while grumbling loudly. You find a bottle of soda pop and a small piece of a gum.You do not recognize the brandWhat do you do>[x] drink the soda pop>[x} eat the gum>[x] look over the shoulders of the sewers>[x] other
Rolled 11>>29542908>>[x] drink the soda popANd then turn the bottle into our new weapon.
Rolled 11>>29542908Mention that if you're a prinny, you can hardly bring your masterful skills of guitar playing to the table. Also, if music isn't a treasured commodity in hell, motion that you can use it to make things heads' explode. Surely that has value.
>>29542966>>29542982You drink down the pop while trying to explain guitar skills are a treasured commodity in hell but you just end u sounding like a squid or something as soda soaks your charred, dirt covered shirtCausing the things to stare at youone of them appears to be a little girl in a cat suitanother a metrosexual dragonAnd two boring humans who you do not care aboutThe stare at you for a few minutes before going back to sewing whatever it is they're sewingWhat do you do>[x] throw the bottle at them>[x] see what they are sewing>[x] try and talk to one of them>[x] other
Rolled 16>>29543181>See what they are sewing
Rolled 13>>29543181>>[x] see what they are sewingFucking captcha
>>29543660You look over the creatures shoulders, they don't seem to care that you, despite being taller than half of them. it looks like some kind if school jacket and a hat in the visage in the form of your former hat. They push you off after you lean over to inspect the fabric. So you are now certain you are not incorporeal, and you are also no longer hungoverand realize it was probably a stupid Idea to run into hell.you sit down on a chair and begin grinding your teeth trying to figure out how to get out of this situation as you realize there are no doors out of this damned roomwhat do you do>write in
>>29543778Ask if you can help them sew
Rolled 4>>29543778>>write inBreak the bottle and use one of the piece of glass to draw a door on the wall to escape the room.
>>29543812>>29543816Want me to roll for it?
Rolled 5>>29543885SureGODFUCKING DAMMIT CAPTCHA
>>29544303"Can I at least help you sew that?" you ask, thoroughly bored "Sure?" The metrosexual dragon saysRoll 1d20This dark heresy game is killing me
Rolled 2>>29544339We are gonna make the best hat ever
>>29544363You're stitch work has gotten rusty over the years of drunking yourself into a drunken stupor. But you manage to have a good time and even find yourself smiling as you help a cat creature, a dragon and two humans (maybe) make a nice coat and hat. Why the last time you had this much fun was when You created R.A.M.F, but there was much more screaming thenhonestly could barely hear yourself think with his pitiful noises as you tore him apart and put him back together again, and again, and againYou soon find yourself lost in nostalgia as you begin to ignore the jokes told to you as you try and remember that last time you smiled when you weren't hurting another. You grind your teeth in thoughtSoonThe Jacket and hat are finishedAlong the back Written in big friendly letters is "Valentine"What do you do>[x] put them on (race change from wandering ghost to unprinny>[x] stow them in inventory>[x] talk to the creatures>[x] other
Rolled 14>>29544577>>[x] put them on (race change from wandering ghost to unprinnyGhostly apparel
Rolled 7>>29544577Put them on
Rolled 9>>29544577Put it on, of course. When in Rome...
>>29544635You put on the coat and hat, and feel a bit more solid. However you are then handed a bill andMeanwhile outside of the factory"So porkchops" the alraune says"How long do you think it'll take that douchebag to pay of his debt"."I don't know" the boar man says "I mean I didn't know humans were even capble of that many sins, Especially no. 435, Who even does that to someone?". The alraune shakes her head"I don't know porkchop" She says "I don't...""FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" A voice screams out in torment "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR THIS SHIT, I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE THE SYMBOL, FUCK".The two demons stare at the factory, surprised by the unusually violent reaction Meanwhile inside the factoryYou stand atop a broken sewing machineyou are pretty sure you bit off a bit of your tonguewhat do you do
Rolled 2>>29544988We rob a underworld bank, of course.
Rolled 6>>29544988Plan to rob a bank
>>29545096"Are then any banks here?!" You ask shaking one of the humans "TELL ME PEON"You gain no usefull informationThe others do nothing but laughWhat do you
Rolled 6>>29545300We shall start a bank then.And then rob it later.
Rolled 4>>29545300Flip a table start yelling and harming the others, hopefully someone will come check what the ruckus is and we could escape
>>29545355Brilliantalso I finished my dark hesesy sessiona bar blew upAnd our skum diedI blame the murderous Arbitres
>>29545355>>29545368Also I'm pretty worn out now, could someone archive this for me?
>>29545545>>29545545Ehh, lets end it hereI'll archive it
Rolled 2>>29545398Storytime, Mr. Twirler?
>>29545716Ok it started with all but the psyker, Who was russian as fuck meeting an interrogator of our inquisitor. Basic inquisition meeting room, lots of skulls and banners, it was hidden behind a mirror, don't really know how that worked. Any ways I do not remember the interrogators name, but I am pretty sure he was a techpriest. basically they had found a body that had strange wounds and had flesh heresy preformed upon. So After the briefing we headed out to his house, inside we found his sister, who knew he was dead as the fucker had dissapeared a month or so a go. I suggest we use her as bait to another acolyte, the assassin I think, may have been the scum, she gets the fuck out after I yell at her to remain calm. We give chase, Scum and assasin (also known as condom man) do some ninja shit while me and Muderous Arbitres stumble on some bum who takes a swing at us. I try to curb stomp him and due pitiful damage, Mcmuderboner shoots his fucking leg iff, we decide this means it is time to leave and hide back out the victims house for a few hours under his various furniture, we soon realize this is wasting time and go searching for clues. by now the local Arbitres have found the scene of the crime we committed. We ignore them and spend an hour real time trying to find leads (at which time russian pysker appears and tries to help us, he fails), but can't as we are incompetentWe eventually find a fuck huge Arbitres and decide he must be connected to all this, So we track him to a barfail let another fellowship check as we are a party of bruisers. My character passes out due to drink two glasses of rot gut (he bough six, using half the thrones given to us by the interrogator) Anyway the scum tries to pickpocket fuckhuge Arbitres, causing him to try and stab Murderous Arbitresturns out this is a bad move (for everyone as he is The warden of the district or some shit) he dies, a massive bar brawl breaks out (which my character sleeps through).
>>29546673Also the assassin has a skull that tells him to kill the frenchman (me as I decide to play a french chef guardsman, don't ask). Soon several rounds of curbstomp battle plays out, with mcmurder bonder Arbitres killing a good deal of people, much to his pleasure. I remain pass out even as bullets fly by my head and they shoot down the ceiling at us, until their gun jams, then they toss down a grenade that wakes me up causing me as I am to piss drunk to do anything of use to sit at a table with the assassin. Then comes the arbitres. they throw in a grenade (Only destroys the wardens corpses), kill one of the few remaining enemies (who may have been this asshole with a knife who just wouldn't die)the people upstairs think it's a good idea to fire at the arbitres,who then decide it is safer inside then out. The scum joins Me and the assassin at the table, the guards throw a grenade at us, I survive with 4 wounds, The scum gets right fucked and is basically dead (he dies soon after when we drag him from the building), the assassin also gets fucked up a bit. the big gun upstairs explodes. Mcmurderboner kills another arbitres I think. We decide shit is fucked and start to leave when the second floor explodes as the dumb fucks brought out a plasma cannon and it jammed the first round it was used (thank god)Scum diesAnd the pysker shoots me in the chest due to me being a french asshole (Really it was because He was getting angry at everyone interrupting him and I didn't really think so he shot me), It managed to put me down to 2 crit and we ended it there due to all of the retarded shit we did as We (Aka mcmurderboner) never thought to look at the data slate we were giveWe left the scum in the street with a piece of pysker robe on his faceI didn't get to use my flamer for the entire session due to my character being drunk for the combat bits
>>29546906Sounds somewhere between fun, frustration, and self-inflicted wounds.I've only ever played a bit of Rogue Trader, but Dark Heresy seems ripe for good stories. Thanks for sharin.
>>29547411It was fun, but draining as none of us had fellowship.And the fact I spent half our bribing money on booze