How did goats become wizards?
Oh god, it all makes sense.
>>29376751>>29376854>Alright this isnt funny guys, turn me back
>>29376751They passed their 30th birthday without having sex once in their lifeLike every other wizard
>>29376889>cmon guys>being a tower is no fun
They grew their beards, of course.
in ancient timesgoat towers rivaled the gods for the skiesbut we built greedilytoo hightoo arroganta curse upon our tribesgarbling the words of goatsclouding our minds to magicforever shall we be apart from our greatest alliesbut one image was too powerful to eradicatethe mighty enigma of the goat towerentices usreminds us of glories pastglories yet to be reclaimed by buildingby speaking by understandingour friendsbrothersgoats
they were wizards the entire time
>>29376751>becomeThey always were.
>>29376924>Ive had enough goat up my ass for one day
How do I become their disciple?
>>29377139Master the secrets of goat cheese.
>Goats>Associated with Satan>Magic>Associated with Satan>Wizards have beards>Goats have beards>Satan has a beard>Goats: Eat anything and have no sense of right and wrong>Wizards: Eat anything and have no sense of right and wrong>Satan: Might eat anything and may be in hell for having no sense of right and wrong
>>29377236>Satan: may be in hell for being banished by goats
>>29377236b-b-but we sacrifice goats for the lordhe wants the purity
>>29377334>Sacrifice a goat to the lord>The goat's already switched out with your wife>he's condemning you to eternal damnation for goat-sex because it amuses him>That's also why she changed, anon, and stopped being the girl she was at the start of the relationship
>>29377334>he thinks the goats he's sacrificing aren't village children who had their shapes shifted by goats>laughinggoats.wizard
>>29377334No you have it all wrongWe sacrifice lords for the goats
>>29377389>>29377428maan this deity worshipping is complex stuffcan't I just donate and not get butt surprised?
>>29377468Goats ate my pen tooIs that a legit mishap?
>>29377591Kids are some crazy fucking things man.
>>29377591think soit's from a teacher pic dumpI have another one but sadly in my local moonspeak were a kid is asked if he thinks jesus existshe answers "yes he is a goat I have seen that"
>>29377733Maybe someone fucked with the nativity scene at Christmas and the human baby was eating hay while the superior goat was chillin' in the crib?
I like the premise of this thread.>king sends adventurers to ask for the help of an ancient wizard who has been a close friend of the royal family for generations>problem is, no one has heard of the wizard for over a century and the only thing known about him is that he lives in a distant forest where all sorts of creatures roam>party ventures to forest and finds a delirious man with a scraggy beard and who wears nothing but a mud encrusted loincloth>"um, areyouawizard.jpg?">"why, yes i am! but i can't help you before you return my pantaloon from the ogre who lives to the east!">party goes on various fetch quests retrieving magic items from fierce monsters>"good, now i'll come with you. but first, one more creature must be slain! and 'tis the most fierce of all!">old man leads party to a clearing where they find a stone tower with a winding staircase on the outer wall, leading up to a single door>a goat steps under the doorway and peers down>"Ah! 'tis the creature! Quick, slay it!">the air grows hot and heavy>the sunlight dims suddenly in the middle of the day>the goat's eyes are illuminated with a blue glimmer>the man disintegrates with a painful scream>"What's this about then?" the goat asks>the goat was the wizard all along>the man was just some turnip farmer who got lost and was driven insane for the wizard's amusement
>>29377807fuckthat makes a whole lot of sense holmes-anon
>>29377826let me just say that this idea is GOAT
>>29377950I saved that post as gihad.
>>29377950Man, Pride was really great. especially that sex scene
>>29377951fuuu can't find it(to be cont)
Okay, brainstorming:>goat wizard with a human familiar
>>29378455>goat wizard with a goat familiarFTFY
>>29378518>goat wizard dresses goat familiar in wizard robes and hat
I read the adventures of Sir Bearington and Goat Wizard.
I like goats.
>>29378806I really, really like goats.
> irate short bastards who headbutt your knees if you haVen't gained their alien variant of respect> not dwarves
>>29378852No such thing as too much goat.
>>29378876>> irate short bastards who headbutt your knees if you haVen't gained their alien variant of respectHow do you gain goat-respect? Eat a tin can?
>>29378876Dwarves are shitGoats are GOAT
>>29378924>>29378898Fuck it. Aren't you people listening to anything I'm saying? Or throw it a party.
>>29378951But what about dwarf goats?
>>29378106sorry tgI failedskimmed through an ungodly amount of paper clippings from "humour" siteshave some scraps from those travels
>>29378984They drink a lot, and complain with the first few unwelcome thrusts. Then they get to like it.
>>29378951>"Dude, I'll turn those pears into chicks.">"Man, you're drunk. We should go back to the guild.">"No, man. It'll be awesome. Just watch.">"The arch wizard will be so pissed if you abuse your powers because you're horny again."
>>29379093>implying the High Wizard Council doesn't congregate in trees, on mountainsides, and in other obnoxious locations, just because they can
>>29379093Just. Fuck. The. Goat.Look. It's waiting for you.
>>29379154When the wizard has the party's highest climb skill.>"A vertical wall? Pfff, I don't even need to waste my fly spell for that."
>>29379031"congrats on Lv 80"Hugs, your brother
>>29379273Climb?! I can climb! LOVE ME. LOVE ME. LOVE ME.
>>29379317oh well, I leave you with this last unrelated picgoat speed you black emperors
>>29379459This goat needs a drink before he hits that.
>>29379502you know what they say...
>>29379459Yeah, the gal totally shouldn't lower her standards.If only because she wouldn't be able to lift them up later.
>>29379558"dog found" etc
>>29379760I am out of goats
>>29379802WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS THE NUMBER OF GOAT PICTURES I POSSESS.
>>29379802>maybe I shouldn't have googled goat wizard
>>29379855What about numbers?
>>29379978I leave you with my greatest findspidergoatwizard.jpg
>>293799996.9 gigs.Don't ask.
>>29380059I'm asking.There's got to be a good story in there somewhere.
>>29380059>don't askhuh...well...hmm...how to put this...
>>29380126>>29380155I just think they're cute. I started saving goat pictures when I saw them and storing them. Then I realised that I had 6.9 gigs of goat pictures.
>>29380170I don't have even half that amount of pornlike, even all my waifu folders combinedhell, I don't hink I have even half that amount of pics altogetherand my waifu folders began with allyson hanniganso you know this nigga been around
>>29380059> 6.9 G
>>29380258I only have about 500-600 megs of porn. Almost 7 gigs of goat pictures is maddening.I highly doubt there are that many goat pictures on the internet.
>>29380352He probably went and found more goats to create more pictures.
>>29380387Sort of. They pop up on my facebook news feed, I used to deal with them on a semi regular basis, and every now and again I google 'cute goats' which brings up a lot of baby ones, goats doing stupid shit and some strange pornography.
>>29380557And some are probably duplicates. I don't even really look at them that often, only if I need a pick-me-up or whatever.
>>29380557Do you save the pornography?
>>29380631The closets part is the pleasure goat magazine.
>>29380258I've just been using (abusing) the internet for a long time, that's all. Work and the fact I am a shut-in when I am not working/working out means that I have a strange hard drive that's been preserved and transferred over the last.. 6-9 years, I guess.
>>29381161Let's put those goat folder on slideshow mode and spoon in front of your PC screen, baby.
>>29380573Clean your folders!
>>29381480>that knowing smirk on the goatNO YOU FUCKER, YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER!WHAT DO YOU KNOW, DAMMIT!WHAT DO YOU KNOOOOOOW
>>29381709The. Goat. Knows. All.
>>29381480Contributing to goat anon's archives
>>29382094Goat dudn't even care nothin.
>>29382094THIS GOAT WAS BORN SLIMY.
>>29381389That's absolutely fucking adorable, by the way.
>>29376751I demand names sir. Where is this? I'm kinda tempted to check it out.
>>29382458It's protected by charms, illusions, and curses. You might find it, but you wouldn't remember who you are.
>>29382458>He doesn't know of the goat towerI would give my life's ambitions to merely see the goat tower in perso
>>29382312>no GOTY edition
>>29379459Holy christ, I dated that woman. It was adorable, she thought she was putting me in the friendzone when in actuality I never wanted to see her again...
>>29382492Or, you can always check the Wikipedia page about them.Not that The Wiki could ever tell us the true nature of Goat Towers
>>29385734If I wanted to read lies I'd go to the page for the holocaust.
>>29385788I totally cut myself on all that edge, anon.
Goat towers are located at points on earth where the arcane forces are the most powerful. So, naturally, the three most well known towers are in South Africa, Norway, and Illinois.
>>29377468To be fair, it would make a lot more sense to most kids to think the goat has eaten the pen than thus it's in the goat than that someone somehow crammed a goat into a writing implement.
>>29379031>Beware of 56-year-old Russian women with axesThat's the sort of thing you should know without being told.
>>29385985>IllinoisWait a fucking minute.>Dresden Files takes place in Chicago>the isle of Demonreach is in Lake Michigan>under it is the entrance to a fuckhuge magical prison complex>the prisoners' collective power is so massive that it created a network of ley lines>there were also, at one point, goats and goatherds on Demonreach>the entrance to the prison is under an abandoned lighthouseIT ALL MAKES SENSE
>>29380352>I highly doubt there are that many goat pictures on the internet.Between youTube and tumblr, there's a lot.Not as weird as the person with a huge folder of foxes shitting though.
>>29385985I actually had no idea there was notable arcane forces in South Africa.
>>29386106>Not as weird as the person with a huge folder of foxes shitting though.Should I ask?
>>29386127There's nothing more to say than that.
>>29385985>>29386072Fucking Illini, no wonder you can't drive for shit, you're all fucking wizards!
>>29386124Where do you think all these magic rape potions come from?
>>29386124Tolkien was born in that corner. Where do you think he got his ideas from? He seen some shit.
This is how I goat bard.
>>29386150Don't they also make anti-AIDS potions with little boy pee-pees or is that one of the regions further up north?
This is going to end with you guys creating a shitty homebrew race of goat-people, isn't it?
>>29376751By becoming Seelie hitmen.
>>29386243>goat-people>peopleNo human filth runs in the veins of the Meisterrasse.
>>29386250Ate the pic. Awesome job.
>>29386240Probably. You rape a virgin and you're immune to aids, too, even without the potion.
>>29386243So many questions.>How do goat clerics put on their plate-mail?>Can goats pick locks?>Are their horns weapons or do they count as unarmed?>If it's the latter, can goats become monks?
>>29386284>Fucking virgins>Not making sweet love to your magical AIDS frogShit man. fa/tg/uys have it all wrong.
>>29386284Why, look at that. Western medicine is struggling to find a cure for AIDS for decades, but the "savages" have already figured it all out. We should return to more traditional ways of keeping our souls and bodies healthy.
>>29386297Man, that play wasn't really that funny
>>29386284>>29386297Fuck goat-people, I'll make a homebrew savage medicine man class. Allignment is limited to choatic evil. >"Those orcs put a pretty tough fight. I'm pretty badly wounded.">"NO PROBLEM, MAHN! I FOUND A NURSERY BEHIND THIS TRAPPED DOOR!"
>>29386345Humorless pleb detected.>>29386346Are they albino virgin babies? Because that shit is a +10 to Craft (batshit crazy fetishes).
>>29386359It just felt pretty tame to me.They should have talked more about mormons and black people instead of making just one joke about it
>>29386346>>29386359This thread has the potential to take a terrible turn for the worse, or for the better.
>>29386346MFW the character turns up to the tavern strapped with babies and a cart of crying teenagers outside.
>>29386448>strapped with babies and a cart of crying teenagers outside.
>>29386448>party's chased by group of bads>"You go on without me!">witchman stays behind>gets pelted by hundred arrows>he keeps standing unfazed>men look in terror>witchman lifts his shirt>he's wearing several bundles of cut-off dicks from his nipples down to his waist as protective charms
>>29386529>"Do you really have to watch every time he's... getting loot?">"I don't know about you, but I'd like to know where he gets all his crafting materials from."
>>29386608>Like elemental clerics in dark sun, may manifest certain spell components at will, once a day.>Only the weakest components, like severed dongs.>Around the campfire at night, digs around in the dirt until he comes up with a handfull of nipples or a bundle of cocks.>Still hunts albinos for pieces.
>>29386634>"Adventurers! Please! You must help me! I do not have much to give but--">"We are not interested.">"Please! My daughter has been kidnapped by Largecock the Pale Ogre, and--">"I do not worry, mahn. We will restore your honor and bring back your daughter as whole as we can."
>>29386703>Better rogue than a rogue>Walks into places, takes what he wants>Turns into goat, leaves
>>29386703>"You fine, gahl? Has da bad mahn touched you?">"No, he left me alone. I'm alright. Why are you looking at me like that?"
>>29386752>"Ma potion be wearin' off, gahl."
>>29386750We have finally come full circle.
>>29386774>Entire forgotten realms setting goes to shit>Mostly because of the goats turning back into the new witchdoctor class>And boy do they need parts.>No more goats>Only witchdoctors
>>29386759>You take a few wrong turns in the splendid, bustling city and end up in shady street that's more dirt than the clean cobble stone of the market>Men covered in cloaks are hunching over stands of merchants who hand them unsolicited goods under tables>A few armed guards are strolling around, looking left and right, looking past suspicious transactions, staying their eyes longer on the more adorned tables, clearly on the lookout to pocket bribes rather than deal justice>far from the stands and the taverns that stink of vomit, you find a pitch black alley on the side of the road>on the adjacent wall you discover a mouldy wooden sign that has in large, red letters, some of them drawn in reverse as by a child, written on it>WITCH DOC'S CLITARECTOMY>DONT NEED PAY>DONT NEED PERMISSION>PAY TEN COPPAH IF YOU DA ALBINO>your eyes suddenly notice a set of sparkly white ivory teeth grinning at you from the dark of the deep alley>as your eyes adjust you see a man crouching on the ground drawing a razor over a whetstone
>>29386943>Paladin uses detect evil on Savage.>SMITE AND CLEAVE, CLEAVE AND SMITE.>Wounds don't bleed>Wounds vomit clitorises instead.
>>29385734>FairviewNC?>tfw I may live close enough to the Goat Tower to one day learn its mysteries
>>29376751>How did goats become wizards?One way is to learn about the evil truth of reality using Chronoptic Crystals.
>>29386943>"Are you sure you can cure my father?">"Ya, mahn. I told ya, I'm a real daktah.">"But... you're not a normal doctor.">"Daktah is daktah, mahn. Only diffarence is I kept da spare parts.">"What are spare parts?">"I don' know, mahn. Sometimes I cut open a mahn and he look bad. He don' need da bad parts so I keep all. Sometimes he look good. So I only take da parts dat look good."
>>29387126>"Nurse, he in criticahl condition. I need da tweezers and da 9 inchah, stat!"
>>29387028A TOWER FALLS
>>29387126>"Sir, what are you keeping in that pouch?">"I'm glad you asked, gahl. In dis pouch are da things I need for my magick.">"Would you please leave the girl alone?">"Hey, mahn, she asked first! Besides, being curious and asking things is a good thing. I always asked as a boy and look where I am now.">"That's my point."Character dialogue writes itself. I don't know how to pitch this to my GM, but I really want to play this. I think my group is depraved enough to at least go along for a session or two.
>>29387322Anyone who asks too many questions ends up in the cart. Anyone who's left alone with him too long? On the cart. Babies left too close to windows? On the vest. Beggars? In the regeant sack. Strange people? In the sack. In the sack. IN THE SACK. It'd be a regular thing when the party goes shopping that he'd disappear. They'd later notice someone screaming and running at full tilt through the streets - with him in hot pursuit, waving a machete. "Come on, bruz! It won't hurt! I needs ya for me magics!"He's neutral evil rather than chaotic, but only because there's no real malice in it all. He just wants to rip out livers so he can cast healing spells.
>>29387720>>29387322>>29387183>>29387126It just keeps getting better.
>>29387720"Do you have the heads?""Yes, the healer has them.""I'll be with ya, mahn. They heads' on tha cart somewheah. Ah, here they is!""Good. Look at that ugly son of a bitch. Nothing makes me happier than to see that smirk wiped of his dead face. My friend will give you your money on the way outside.""Can I keep 'em?""What?""Da heads, mahn.""I would have thrown them in the kennel, but -- i guess I don't care if you want to keep them as a trophy.""They's no trophy, mahn. They's quality heads. Stew 'em wit toad skin and you can make it rain. Pickle 'em in goat piss and da juice will take da bad mojo out when da poo-poo flows like da water. Shrink 'em and tie 'em round da neck and dey keep away da spirits. Or fill 'em with knuckle bones and dey make a fine rattle. Children will love it. My mama always said, 'if ya waste a good head, I'll make yo' head into a bean jug cuz' it's no good use fo' nothin' else.' Mama was a good woman, and ha' meat was good, too.."
>>29387796"Lich, bruz? They've got lots of bad bits. I can use that."Lich starts evil monologue. Is interrupted when it feels a tugging. Looks down. Is the Savage - and he's got his sack open, stuffing in bits of Lich.
I worked on a goat farm in my youth and I can tell you this:baby goats are cute as fuck but they die all the time like holy crap.
>>29388045Why do they die?
>>29388295Because we're not allowed to have nice things.Seriously now, pneumonia is a common cause of death, and goat kids die quite quickly from illness of various kinds.http://www.tennesseemeatgoats.com/articles2/healthproblemsKids06.html
>>29388338Those pitiful wizard constitution scores
>>29388378That's what you get for min/maxing and assuming the DM isn't going to put in poisons and diseases.
What you should be asking is how did wizards become goats?
>>29391291No, you should definitely be asking how goats became wizards.
>>29378455>and the familiar is named "Billy Goates"
>>29380059Aberforth? Is that you?
>>29387006South Africa. Good luck.
>>29394376>that press conference where the kid asks Rowling to explain what the whole goat charming thing was about
>>29398534Aberforth was given the stink-eye in the Wizarding world because of some 'inappropriate charms he practiced on goats."He fucked goats. Goats, Harry, Goats. You're a goat fucker, Aberforth.
>>29398534In Harry Potter, Dumbledore's older brother Aberforth had gotten into trouble for "goat charming", and his Patronus is a ram.At a press conference, a rather young fan asked what she meant by that. Now, this is obviously a "Welsh men fuck goats/sheep" joke, but Rowling couldn't say that to a child, so she said "You know, I wrote HP to appeal to a wide demographic, not just children. This is one of those things that's meant for the older readers."
>>29377389Wait, a goat switched places with my ex? IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!
>>29379855But where is the wolf and the head of lettuce?
>>29398596>Now, this is obviously a "Welsh men fuck goats/sheep" jokeAh, the height of British humor.
>>29399310She was probably this guy in secret.>>29387892>"What, bruz? It was great! I just needed to test the merchandise before I used it in me magics. Now try not to scream. I sharpened me knife special like."
>tfw my last name translates to goatI must complete my transformation and take my place in the tower.
>>29399463Meanwhile, the height of Welsh humor:http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=20e_1336718522
>>29387720GET IN THE BAG!!!!!Catchpa: Larceny ldcashe
>>29401746What I was going for.
>>29401811Well done sir, I lol'd.
This is why I come to /tg/.
I want this thread to go on forever. Can someone screencap it for posterity?
>>29376975>find ancient tablets depicting the construction of the tower of Babel>goats
if the anon that has 6.9 gigs of goats is still in this thread, could you possibly upload that to mediashare or something. I require for...science...
>>29407870>tower of Baaabel
>>29377826All those plot twists.>messiah figure of a major religion is said to be a goat herder turned wizard>goat>herder
Interesting fact about goats: They cannot perceive falling. So when they are jumping around on those mountains of theirs they have no idea what would happen if the missteped.
>>29408480>implying goats take falling damage
>>29408491They take it, they just get mad at the DM and can't understand why they died.
>>29408480>implying goats can fall>implying don't just fly downwards
>>29408535No, they fall.On other goats, that and falling of mountains is the highest death cause for goats. I guess they just never thought to prepare any flight spells since the concept of flight is alien to them. Or maybe they just wanted to dick over the goat bellow them.
>>29408566>implying goats don't just fly too fastFor them it's the same as speeding and running into a tree.
>>29386774>can't be tried because goatThe perfect crime.
>183 posts and 60 image replies omitted.>No one posted Goatse.I honestly don't know if I should be proud of, or dissapointed with you guys.
"Tie up those that surrendered. We'll take them to town.""Clevah idea, mahn. Dat'll keep dem bits fresh.""I mean to take them as prisoners and bring them before law.""I don' no 'bout no prisnahs. I can't make no promises, bruz, but ahright. Jus' sayin' mah pouch be gettin' light and dey don' need all dem bits in prisahn."
>>29408849They don't close their eyes once on the three-day journey to civilization. Whenever the withch-doc is on guard duty, he stays up until the sun rises, sharpening his knife without taking his eyes off their loins. And he volunteers every night. Once they arrive, they are sleep-deprived to the point of delirium and confess whatever crimes they need to get them inside a prison cell and away from the bad man.
>>29408941"These poor wretches. They begged us to lock them away, sobbing and squealing. Conscience must have eaten at their souls. May the gods have mercy.""Ya, bruz. Dey feel so bad I saw dem nevah sleepin' nothin'. Jus' tell me where da bodies go if ya hang dem so I can pay mah respec's."
>not becoming goat bardhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWXZy2dOuBc
Goat seriously have the coolest eyes of any fictional creature, and the best part is they're real.
>>29377334No, we sacrifice SHEEP to God.
>>29410683>and the best part is they're realSure mate, and I bet you think that hedgehogs drink the saucer of milk you leave out for the fairies and that the banshee's shrieking is actually just wild dogs.Pfft.
>>29407608It's been archived.
>>29412591OP here. I'm happy you guys enjoyed it enough to get it archived.
>>29412644Every thread gets archived. Still a good one, of course.