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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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You are a ghost, or rather one ghost in a large gestalt of spirits calling itself Mr. Bones. You first manifested in the real world when a peasant named Ivan was struck on the head, allowing him to hear spirits, and you promptly began using him as your emissary in the lands of the living. Fortuitously, Ivan had in his possession a Grimoire of incredible power, and within it was a soul binding ritual. Through the usage of dark magics Ivan has given you form on the material plane, the skeleton of a man murdered. Now you begin your true quest. To become the mightiest lich in the land/find a working wee-wee.

To read the archives check here:


QM twitter feed for those who don’t want to check QTG for updates:


And a brand new character sheet for the protagonists with tentative stat lines:



So, just a quick recap, since its been a while.

Bones and friends fought a Holemulch, which is sort of like a giant newt creature, a fight that ended in Bones almost coming unbound from the skeleton and paralyzed. Abandoned by Ivan and Katrina, it fell to the Professor to carry you back to Waldheim.

One of my other threads, although I didn't archive, built upon this story line a little, and Bones met Asta. As such, do you want to pick up from where the last archived thread left off, or should I dump the choices made during the unarchived thread?
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You leave Dagfinn’s shack, waving goodbye to the surly craftsman. You return to the inn to check up on the Prof, who is well into his eleventh tankard. Chuckling to yourself, you go out behind the back of the inn and spend the remainder of the night practicing swordplay. Your movements are slow and difficult, leaving no room for errors your swings and acrobatics. As the night wears on you’re pleased to note a steady improvement in terms of control and power. By the time the rooster calls, you’re back to your usual limber self.

Stretching, if only to appreciate your no longer semi-paralyzed limbs, you begin to wander Waldheim in the early morning, taking a few moments to appreciate the golden red hue of the early morning sunlight striking the quaint village. After a few moments of silent appreciation, your collective finally chases out the soul of an artist who mastered the starving part of his profession before the actual arty bits. Back to your usual philistine self, you walk off in the direction of Asta’s house.

Yeah Asta. The supreme monster hunter lady of Waldheim, you know, that chick? Already a few of the locals are out and about, yawning and stretching in the light of a new day. However, all of them find the energy for a friendly wave to their unusual hero. After a few minutes of wandering you find yourself standing in front of a door with a rather threatening skull hanging off of the frame. You figure this is Asta’s home.
Up to you. Most of that last one was just me after all (then I fell asleep)
...Just to make it clear who this is
Yeah I figured, but it didn't really do anything too controversial I wager, so I'll just dump.
Up to you friend.
You decide that a combination of limericks and knocking will meet both your needs to rhyme and hit shit. You rap on the door, tapping out a beat.

>Knickity Knackity Knock
>Hammering on Asta’s door like a Cock
>She’s the hunter with the biggest stones
>When she sees I’m all bones
>She’ll be in for a right big shock

As you rap out the final lyric the door opens, revealing a large woman in a studded leather cuirass and cloth garments of varying shades of green. The woman, presumably Asta, looks you up and down before spitting out onto the dirt road. The bit of phlegm leaves a considerable crater in the street. Asta rubs her nose before addressing you.

“Sheeeeit. And here I was thinking that ol’ Dagfinn was just hitting the mead extra hard last night.”

>Uh. Hello?

“Yeah? Oh yeah, hi. I guess you can come on in.”

The last statement was more of a question than an invitation but you take it any way, clattering over to a table and sitting down. Asta pulls out some jerky and stale bread, proffering some to you with a grunt. You refuse, and Asta shrugs before laying into the food with gusto. “Spose you dead types don’t eat much do ya?”

>Won’t keep me from drinking.

“Heh. Lucky you don’t put on any weight for it. You’re all bones!”

Asta roars with laughter at her lame pun, and you can’t help but chuckle yourself. Sniffling as she rubs her nose once more, Asta leans towards you conspiratorially. “So, how’dja fucking do it?”

>Do what?

“Kill a Skovmar blessed Titan Beetle, that’s what!”


Dumping for victory. Also, so we can get to some more action/interactions.
>Pfeh. Exoskeleton a shit. Endoskeleton best skeleton.


You wave your previous strangeness away
>That fucking bug and it’s half assed chitin didn’t stand a chance against a proper fucking set of bones, you feel me?

Asta doesn’t answer immediately, she instead gets to her feet and strides off into another room. She returns bearing a large clay jug of some sort, and unstops it. A pungent odor fills the room, and she quaffs some of the vile smelling liquid. “Shit yeah, I hear you Bones. If those Titan Beetles weren’t so Skovmar blasted hard to come across I’d be dragging them in by the dozens.”

You may not have the proper equipment anymore, or ever for that matter, but you’re not about to lose a pissing contest with anyone.
>Huh. Fucking tell me about it. How people consider those things a challenge is a Godsdamned mystery to me. I don’t even got any muscle and I beat one of them down.

Moving with blistering speed, Asta buries a large axe into the table, a few inches away from your resting elbow. “Damned right. All I need are my axes and I can bring any bleeding thing in this forest down.”

You’re glad for the first time ever that your skull lacks any flesh on it, cause you’re damned sure you’dve winced at that. But, what Asta doesn’t know won’t hurt her, and you play off her axe trick by leaning your chair back
>You need axes? Fuck, I just tore up that stinking from the inside with my bare hands. Like a Real Man.

Asta pauses for a moment, before breaking out in gales of laughter. “Hwahwahwah! You might be a dickless wonder, but you can piss with the best of ‘em!”

>Heh. Damn straight.

Still chortling, Asta claps you on the back. “I like you. You’ve got some stones hiding somewhere in there. But, you ain’t seen nothing that this forest has to offer! Come with me, and you just might.”
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>Shit yeah I’m in for this. Titan Beetles and Holemulchs are scrub tier monsters. I’d love to hunt me some real beasties.

Asta sputters upon hearing the word Holemulch, but quickly regains her composure. “Shit… I mean. Huh. I guess they aren’t nearly as much of a threat when you’ve got no fucking flesh for them to poison.”

>Fuck yeah. Although I spose I can’t take all the credit for bringing down the holemulch. My minions did… a little heavy lifting on that one.

“Ohohoho… the truth comes out. Looks like Dagfinn was a bit drunk when he was telling me about your noble exploits.”

>Hey, fuck off yo. My minions are basically extensions of me.

Asta merely smirks as she leans back in her chair, resting both hands behind her head. “Hey, whatever man. If you’re too craven to face a beastie by yourself I can’t say I blame you, yeah?”

>Then why were you so determined to have me come along hunting with you?

The smirk slides off of Asta’s face and lands on the floor. slamming her left hand onto the table, Asta points her finger in your face with her other. “You want to tag along or not skeleton?”

Pushing her hand aside you answer,
>Fuck, yeah. Alright, I’m still in.

“Good. Alright. Well this ain’t no normal forest beast. If I’m reading it’s trail correctly this is a once in a lifetime chance. And I mean it. These things only migrate through Herwald once every fifty years or so. So I can’t have any fuck ups.”

>Yeah cool, but what are we hunting exactly?

“Well, judging from the massive fucking foot shaped craters and deep gouges in the earth, there’s a pack of Lindwurms passing through the Forest two dozen miles to the north.”
>Dumping for victory
Thank you for the horrific mental picture of someone saying "Dumping for victory!" while squatting over a defeated foe.
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>The tits is a Lindwurm?

Asta gives you a disbelieving look. “You fucking serious?”

>Yeah. What, by Skovmar’s saggy left nut, is a Lindwurm?

“Fuck… They’re like Dragons, except shittier. They don’t have wings, fire breath, or even back legs. They’re just these gigantic scaley fuckers who drag their torsos behind them and eat whatever gets in their way.”

>Uh, cool I guess. So if they suck so bad, why are we hunting them?

“Well, they aren’t magical like dragons are, but their bits are still pretty valuable. Their scales are great… for really just about anything from tools to building materials. And their crap is said to give rise to bountiful harvests. And… Fuck every bit of them is valuable as a “poor man’s” dragon part replacement in spells and other stuff. Long story short, we can put Waldheim on the fucking map if we bring one of these monsters down.”

>Shit, if Lindwurms are so great, why haven’t you guys gone hunting them before?

“Cause, they’re fucking HUGE. Like hundreds of feet long. And their scales are thicker than even dragon’s. Next to impossible to kill.”

>I have a feeling I’m to serve a unique role in bringing this Lindwurm down.

“Hah! Ain’t as stupid as you look then. Yeah, I heard from Dagfinn how you killed the Titan Beetle. I figure we can do the same thing with a Lindwurm, except on a bigger scale.”

>That… That sounds totally doable.

“I hoped you wouldn’t pussy out,” Asta gets to her feet and takes another swig from her jug. “Get outta here and go to your minions or whatever. Tell them to meet me at Dagfinn’s shack. We gotta make a fucking plan, yeah?”


You get to your feet and leave Asta’s house. As you step out onto the street you wonder who you’ll go looking for first.

>Well, who ARE you gonna go looking for first?
>The Prof?
>The Bitch squad?
>>The Prof?
Our homie.
>The Prof?
Da, he our homie. Always ask a homie first if he ready to pop some bitch ass Lindwurms
Fuck lindwurms, meet homies. Writan
Not a vote, but a reminder: the Bitch squad is made of air. And I don't see how useful they'd be against the pseudo-dragon.
I just had another really really horrific idea. Could we put a spring loaded hidden knife on our pelvic bone?

We would need to wear some kind of loincloth to hide it, but it would give us a secret weapon!
The only hard part would be finding the spring, but other than that, I see no reason it wouldn't work
It could be pelvic trusting activated.
OP, I had an idea. Could we harvest the muscle fibers of the Lindwurm? I want to bond them to us for greater strength and put full plate on top. We don't need to remove the plate, so no one will be in shock from seeing us.
We should hide a small blade inside a rib bone so we have a hidden weapon at all times. They'll never see that coming
Yes, yes you certainly can harvest away.
Fuck it. Hide knives everywhere.

Shoulder blade, ribs, pelvic bones, eye sockets, elbows, knees...
Fuck yes, we can become the first skeleton cyborg assassin from this.
First we add blades and blade-related accessories on our bones, maybe even crafting replacements. Then we add the lindwurm muscle, to hide our true form and to add leverage (and maybe even mechanisms for some of the hidden blades?)
All we need after that is to find a beast suitable enough to be our skin.
The image I'm getting of a skeleton with knives protruding out of every part of its body is one I find humerus.
We become like Ophelia is Divinity Dragon Commander. We turn ourselves into an armored golden mummy except with blades and knives sticking out.
It takes little to no time for your gestalt mind to reach consensus. The Bitch Squad are bitches and Voytek will probably tell you off for some random bullshit. You decide instead, to give the Professor the good news first. He’s a magical fucker, and Lindwurms are sort of magical, yeah?

Ten minutes later, you are sitting at a table in Hallad’s inn, being informed by a slightly hungover old man in more broken common than is usual that Lindwurms barely qualify as magical. “Nyet! The Lindwurm is lacking the most essential thing that is making of the magic in the dragons! There is not being a blessing of Helion which makes dragons having much of the flame. Hardly being worth the trouble”

>Yeah, but that ain’t really the point you know? It’s more about the challenge… and harvesting muscle tissue…

Imbibing in another swig from a large tankard, the Professor attempts to cock an eyebrow. “Eh? Muscle tissue?”

>Yeah. So I can get swole, ya dig?

The Professor blearily narrows his eyes in your general direction, before sudden understanding dawns on his face “...Da… I am digging you, Comrade Skeleton. I have nothing better to be doing anyway.”

>Righteous. Meet up at Dagfinn’s place in like an hour or something.

>Is there anything further Bones wishes to discuss with the Professor?
>>Is there anything further Bones wishes to discuss with the Professor?
How will using monster tissue instead of human flesh influence our new fleshy bits?
Can we actually make armor and weapons out of a lindwurm hide?
And can we somehow incorporate that into our cyborg plans? Maybe cutting it into thin strips to augment the lindwurm muscle or something?
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We could add a tiny bit of flesh to our form, a bit like a bone devil.
Ask if the bitch squad are still being bitchs. The answer is yes, but I want to hear if they are from the Prof.
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Maybe I have a more bombastic idea...
>inb4 we wear the lindwurm's dick as our skull
Or we get a dick that is actually a miniature linwurm, head claws and all.
No, we stick that in our tongue.
As you stand to leave, you turn back to face the Professor, and look down at the old man. His eyes may be bloodshot and he might have a tentative grasp on common at best, but he’s also the only magical expert in… shit, a really long distance, yeah?
>Hey Prof, if one were to use… non-human bits to reflesh oneself, how do you think it’d work out?

The Professor doesn’t seem surprised at your question, more intrigued than anything else. “Hmmmm…. It should not matter too much, da? The flesh and muscle must be cut to fit, but if it is being done well, there should be no problem.”

>But would I be stronger?

“I am not being sure, do people get stronger when they add muscle, usually? For sure, much of the æther you are making the use of to hold your bones together would being freed by this.”

Excited by the possibilities, you lean onto the table, looming over the Professor.
>And if one were to attach lindwurm scales in strips to his refleshed bits in order to become some sort of ubermensch fighting man… a terminator of men if you will?

The Professor’s knowing smile snaps like an overstretched rubberband, sagging into an O of bewilderment. Realizing you may have gone beyond what the old man was ready to answer, you change the subject.
>Soooooooo… the bitch squad still living up to their name?

It take Becherski a few moments to realize what you are talking about, “Ah! Well the strange girl is seeming to be apologetic. She was coming to my room this morning and said as much herself. Ivan also was apologizing, but when I was suggesting the creation of amends between you and he, he was being most reluctant.”

>Figures. Well, I’ll see you in a bit Prof man.

>Who do we seek out now?
>The Bitch Squad?
>SPEED ASSEMBLE (This basically just fast forwards you to the tactics meeting at Dagfinn’s shack)
>>The Bitch Squad?
Might ask what he could do to the Lindwurm. Is he down with getting swallowed whole?
Rolled 2

Rolling d2 to tie break, and votes after this post for one or the other will override dice roll. Unless I'm like about to post the update.

1: Bitch Squad
2: Voytek
Dice know what's up.
I'm fine with this. The dice gods are wise
Employing the entirely arbitrary decision making processes that have made you so successful in unlife, you decide to meet with Voytek next. You find the skele-bear stumbling around behind Hallad’s inn, still attempting to reacquire bipedal posture. You watch his stumbling attempts for a few minutes, when inspiration strikes you with a sledgehammer.

>Look my child, tis a bear
>Wandered so far from his lair
>Stomping around on two feet
>Like some human obsessed NEET
>Don’t allow to otaku to give you a scare

Your limerick seems to have broken Voytek’s concentration, for he drops to all fours and lumbers around to face you. ->Thanks a lot Bones. You completely stole my thunder as it were.

>If you can’t endure one little limerick while strutting your shit, then you’ve got a long way to go.

->I suppose there is some truth in this. What, if you don’t mind my asking, is an otaku?

Had you any brows, they would have furrowed in confusion.
>No fucking clue.

->Lovely. Is there any reason that you have come to see me, other than your incessant desire to harass those around you?

>Yeah, there is cocklicker. Asta the Huntress is back in town, and she wants us at Dagfinn’s house to discuss Lindwurm hunting tactics.

->Ah! How exciting.

>Hey man, I think so too. By the way, how much would you be interested in being eaten by a Lindwurm, you know, tactically?

->... I’m sure there’s more to this question than you managed to articulate, but for now my answer is no. As any sane person would answer.

Voytek starts to lumber off to Dagfinn’s house, just as he is about to turn the corner of Hallad’s house you hear a voice in your head. ->Should I fetch Ivan and Katrina for this meeting for you?

>What say you Bones?
>I’ll do it myself?
>I’ll do it myself (lol I lied, they don’t get to come)?
Eh, do what you will. I don't give a damn if they want in or not
>I’ll do it myself (lol I lied, they don’t get to come)?
Give them some more time to think over their actions
okay, combo of don't come and Whatever, writing.
>>I’ll do it myself (lol I lied, they don’t get to come)?
The way I figure it, later we can lie that we were taking care not to injure their squishy bodies. Bearing the brunt of the plan like a boss. Which we are.

In reality, they're just shit, but it helps if they think that we care.
But honestly we don't much care for them cunts at the moment
Lets meet with the two lil bitches.
>You go on Voytek. This, I must confront on my own.

You say those words, trying to think as many noble and generous thoughts as possible. Voytek considers you for a few seconds before responding ->I am surprised by such nobility of spirit Bones, especially from you. I’ll be waiting.

Liberated from Voytek’s watchful presence, you carefully suppress the thrill of excitement at your deception, and feign walking to into Hallad’s inn to search for the Bitch Squad. After waiting in an empty mead barrel for what seems like the appropriate amount of time, you exit and walk off towards Dagfinn’s house, whistling cheerily through your teeth.

If Ivan and Katrina wanted in on these awesome hunting opportunities, they shouldn’t have left you, their contact, for dead on a beach. You arrive at Dagfinn’s hut, and find that Asta, the Professor, Voytek, and Dagfinn are all huddled around a patch of dirt in the middle of the work area attached to Dagfinn’s home. All four of them are talking animatedly when you arrive.

The Professor looks around over your shoulder “Are you bringing anyone else to be here for the planning, Comrade Skeleton?”

>No, Katrina and Ivanka both couldn’t make it. Something about choking on a thousand dicks.

Becherski is visibly crestfallen to hear that the two aren’t coming, but squirms to the side to allow you into the huddle. There is a rough map sketched into the ground with a stick, depicting the route the Lindwurms are following. Waldheim is marked far to the south of the thick lines you assume are the Wurms’ migration route.

“Finally done darning your socks, skeleton,” Asta says, “Cause I was just about to go off on the plan without you.”

>What do you Bones?
>Listen to Asta’s Plan?
>Suggest your own?
Apologies for taking so long on the update, but the familia is currently dragging my attention in like ten different directions for some event that's happening later.

I'll try to get us through the plan scene, which should be three to six more updates depending on how things go.
>Listen to Asta’s Plan?
Care to share in this plan of yours?
>>Listen to Asta’s Plan?
Go ahead, corrections will be made as needed.
Lets listen to her plan and meticulously point out all flaws in it using our superior bonebrain.
On it.
>Gods know, if anyone puts forethought into his actions, its this fuckin guy.

“I am not sure of whom you are talking, Comrade Skeleton. You are being the most impetuous amongst us, da?”

>Sorry old man, sarcasm doesn’t translate well over tex-

“Anyway, leaving behind your weirdness,” Asta interrupts with an exasperated look, “I’ve got a pretty fucking good plan of attack for dealing with the Lindwurms, or at least one of them. Dagfinn, the skull, if you would.”

The old man nods, and pulls a tarp off of a large… thing… that you had failed to notice previously. The skull is somewhat like a horse’s, except the jaws are longer and have a good deal more teeth, from lethal slicing canines to massive molars.
>This a Lindwurm skull? Don’t look so tough.

“That, ya nincompoop,” answers Dagfinn gruffly, “Is the skull of a bleedin hatchling. Scale this boy up till those canines are the size a’ yer legs. That’s a bleedin Lindwurm.”
>Yo. Shit, yo.

->I concur, this does seem rather daunting.

“Well that ain’t all, not even by a long shot,” replies Asta, her mouth pulling back in a wolfish grin. “These suckers got scales thicker than some doors. And they overlap, in the thickest armor in the known worlds. And even if you somehow were able to bash, stab, or hack your way past them, they’ve got enough protective blubber, all you’ll be slicing is fat.”


“Yeah, blubber. They’re lardy sons of bitches.”

->Well, this is quite the conundrum if I do say so myself. How do you propose we circumvent these adamantine defenses?

“Easy, we have one of the let us in.”

You know where this is going.
>So, you want us to get eaten.

“Bingo. You or Voytek, or shit, both of you, need to get eaten. Me and Becherski here will run interference to keep the other Lindwurms from crushing you when you're running up to the mark. Once you're in, we'll keep it distracted so it doesn't spit you out or some shit. While we do that, you carve your way up to the brain as it were, and slice it up good. No one’s ever attempted it before.”

“The reason is probably being that such activities would be of a suicide!”

>What do you say Bones?
>Oh, you know I’m fucking down.
>Hey Voytek, you want this one?
>Oh, you know I’m fucking down.
Hell yeah motherfucker
Actually wouldn't going for the heart be faster and better planed? I mean, if we go for brain, that's some serious back tracking up the throat, yeah?
Fucking go for it, if the heart is a no go.
Thats alright, but I am not coming out from the other side.
As OP died or what?
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okay writing final post for this thread.

I live, but familia is a demanding thing.
>I live, but familia is a demanding thing.
Have you tried chasing them with a broomstick or not wearing pants?
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>Had you any brows, they would have frowned in confusion
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Come on Spiritguided!
op is dead
>OP is kill
op has forsaken us
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Maybe if we post more pictures...

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