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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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Alright, in our last adventure we met the PoGAD, got lost, and killed a dire bear. Now Bones wants bear fangs, bear knuckles, and a bear familiar.

If you want to read more, the archive link is right here:



You stare at the massive bear that you just exited. You kind of wish you had a nose to plug up because that animal fucking stinks. You face Ivan, who seems to have settled on looking revolted.

“You have intestines on your shoulders.”

>Mmmm. Prestuffed sausage.

You toss off the organs anyway, and turn to face the massive animal carcass.

>Ivan. I want this. I want all of this.

Ivan’s brow furrows in confusion. “That could mean a lot of different things Bones.”

>First thing is first. All of that meat is dead weight. We need to remove it with fire. Next, I want some of its teeth. Make that happen. And I want a familiar.

“Gods, you’re like a small child on Ladya’s day.”

>These aren’t toys! They’re combat enhancements.

Rolling his eyes, Ivan walks up to the dire bear and places a hand on it, leaning over. “We might be able to burn the flesh off… Just so long as we’re careful not to let the bones get too hot and brittle…”

You nod vigorously, and begin to collect dry wood for a bonfire.
After about an hour and several fire punches there’s a large fire roaring in the center of the clearing. You and Ivan are dragging the dire bear’s limbs into the flame, careful avoid overheating the bones. After a sufficient amount of flesh had been torched off, you and Ivan draw a sword and dagger respectively and begin to butcher the animal. You take care around the dire bear’s head in an attempt to keep as much of the animal’s face as possible in case it wants a mask later. The sun is rising in the west when you and Ivan finally collapse on the ground, the bare bear bones lying scattered across the ground.

As Ivan catches some shut eye before setting up the various ritual circles you get to work on extracting some of the smaller teeth from your soon-to-be familiar’s skull. You decide to only take the smaller ones, leaving the bigger fangs for your mount. After considering the smallest ones for a moment you snatch up a rock and begin smashing it against your own dentition. Within a few minutes of violent self-abuse you have dislodged both canines and several premolars. Just enough space for some sick bear fangs.

You decide to wait on replacing your knuckles until Ivan’s back in the land of the conscious.
Alright everybody, voting for your skele-Bear's name is still open, and in the last thread I remember at least these two names being suggested:

2 votes for Ursa, 2 votes for Voytek, 1 vote for Teddy.

10 minutes, then I roll d2 to decide name between two most popular choices
I second Teddy or any name choice with "the Bite-anator" added at the end of it
Arright, gonna roll between Ursa and Voytek, logic: Theodore Roosevelt does not exist in this Quest, therefore Bones would not make the Teddy=Bear connection.

1: Ursa
2: Voytek
Rolled 2

Always forgettin that 1
Rolled 1

Bear is named Voytek now. Writing.
>Theodore Roosevelt does not exist in this Quest

Wow. Dropped.
on an unrelated note, does anyone ITT know how to use ">" without making the text turn green. I know someone out there has the technology.

If you want Theordore Roosevelt, better work on figuring out interdimensional portals
I will have forever seen your >shame
As you wait for the meat sack to wake up you contemplate the bones of the dire-bear you so recently dispatched. It will serve you well as a familiar, of that you have no doubt, but what should you call it? Various spirits in the gestalt push for different names, Ursa and Teddy prominent among the suggestions. Eventually though, you settle for Voytek, cause it sounds brutal.

With these important decisions made you rise and walk over to Ivan, poking him with a bony finger.

>Hey. Hey. Hey fuckass.

The peasant turns slowly to face you, rubbing sleep from his eyes. “What is it Bones? … Are you missing teeth?”

>Yeah yeah, but that’s not important right now. We need your help, shamefully enough.

Ivan sits fully up in his sleeping pouch, yawning loudly. “Of course you do. I’m the godsdamn peasantmancer after all.”

>Don’t get uppity. How about getting these bear fangs bound to our skeleton. Was thinking something like fist fangs and face fangs.

Ivan stands up fully and stretches. He turns towards you and says, “So that’s why you knocked out your teeth. Yeah, I think I can manage binding bear fangs to you. That’s not nearly as complex as binding whole new limbs.”

>Awesome. And can you do that familiar binding spell?

Ivan shakes his head, “Not if you want to be the one the familiar is bound to. The spell only works on the caster.”

>Fuck. Alright whatever. Is it a like, intense spell to cast?

“Like, does it use up a lot of æther? No… familiar binding is really easy in that regard.”

>Hm. So I might be able to pull it off despite your gimping?
Ivan nods again, a worried grimace plastered across his mouth. “Yeah, I mean if I raised the dire-bear’s skeleton for you, I guess there’s a chance you could make it your familiar. But we’d have to time it really well, otherwise it may just go berserk. And this won’t be like when I bound you, I’ll be binding a random spirit to the bear, it could be anyone.”

>Shit, that sounds risky. Somehow you think that an undead dire bear might be a touch harder to kill than a living one. What do?
>I am getting a goddamn bear. Roll 2d20.
>Let’s… hold off on that.
Rolled 3, 7 = 10

>I am getting a goddamn bear. Roll 2d20.
To clarify, the 2d20 will determine two things. The first roll will determine how well you do the binding ritual, the second will determine what sort of soul is bound to the bear.

A failure on the first roll will not invalidate the second.
Rolled 15, 16 = 31

>>I am getting a goddamn bear. Roll 2d20.
Because why the fuck not
>I am getting a goddamn bear. Roll 2d20.
but choose one of the spirits in your head to be bound to it
Rolled 12, 2 = 14

No no no, lets grab the spirit of a cat.
Roll averages are:
First: 10
Second: 8.somethingsomething
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You and Ivan quickly clear the patch of ground where you held your bear bonfire that night, moving ashes and bones out of the way. Ivan then takes out a stick and begins to carefully draw a large ritual circle, pausing periodically to ensure that none of the lines are crooked or runes in the incorrect order. Once he’s done you reassemble the dire-bear’s skeleton inside the ritual circle. Ivan then shows you how to draw the sigil used for binding a familiar on the snow before you attempt to copy it onto the bear’s skull. Once that’s done, you both stand back, regarding the mess of ritual materials carefully.

“Seems like everything is in order.”


“Ready to go?”


Had you a stomach anymore it would be clenched with apprehension. First time you’ve felt so worried since arriving on the material plane. You’re holding Radomil open on the familiar page, ready to recite the incantations of binding. Ivan begins to chant, and the bear skeleton is enveloped with light. You think you can vaguely hear a clattering noise as Ivan shouts “NOW!”

You jump slightly. Startled by the peasant’s tone. Then you begin to recite the words written in Radomil. The light fades, revealing a dire bear skeleton standing before the two of you.


For a moment, there is no response. Then, a distant echo. You freeze. And listen carefully.

>I say, good sirrahs, rather cold out here, isn’t it?

>What do you do?
Dammit, invisible Character didn't work.

Hoping this will work:

.>I say, good sirrahs, rather cold out here, isn’t it?
Well, hello friend.

I am slightly amazed by the fact that you can be cold, considering your lack of flesh.
You are somewhat put out that the bear has more class than you.

So, until you can perform the ritual yourself, and change the spirit to something more base, you bide your time.

At the moment though, you welcome the newcomer.
Arright, it been a while. Will start writing now.
>Bullshit. You’re a godsdamn skeleton. You can’t feel the cold.

The large skele-bear turns to face you and despite the distinct lack of flesh on its skull, you get the feeling it would be raising its eyebrow.

->And a hello to you as well, sirrah. Do all undead in this land maintain such a vulgar manner, or is that merely relegated to you?

Nope. There’s no way that you’re about to let a familiar get uppity with you.

>You tell me asshat. After all, you’re one of us.

The skele-bear turns its head downwards and examines its own fleshless form. After a few minutes of silence it looks back up at you.

->It would appear so. How utterly astounding.

The skele-bear turns to face Ivan, and says to him, ->I would take it that you are the one responsible for binding me to this form?

“Y-yeah…” Ivan replies, fidgeting nervously.

After a moments pause, theskele-bear bows awkwardly ->If that is so, I thank you very much, good sirrah. I have desired a body and flesh and bone for so long… Even recieving half of my wish seems a great blessing.

A bemused grin breaks out across Ivan’s face, “Any time! You're certainly a lot more grateful than Bones over here, sir…?”

->Alas, good mage, I do not know the answer to your query, for I have lost my name to the passage of time!

Next thing you know, these two will be sleeping together. Time to intervene.

>Listen, skele-bear. You’re my familiar, not Irina’s. You’re supposed to be kissing my ass, not his. And I decide your name. You’re Voytek now, got it?

->I must say, I’m surprised that one such as yourself would choose such an acceptable name for me. I shall bear the moniker Voytek with pride.

>What a fucking joke. You’ve got a familiar, but he’s way too stuck up to devour your enemies. What now?
>Ask Voytek for more information?
>Wander in a direction, see if you can’t get Voytek and Ivan eaten?
Practice riding voytek, and plan out a saddle for em.
>>Ask Voytek for more information?
So, how much do you love fighting on a scale of 1 to RAWR?
Arright, writing
You rub your chin and consider Voytek once more. Although it certainly doesn’t look comfortable it seems like you may be able to perch yourself in between his shoulder blades while riding him to battle. You and Voytek stare at each other. Waiting.

Some dead pinecones roll between the two of you, pushed by the breeze.


A slight crunching of snow as Ivan steps back.


At long last Voytek begins to look away from you.

You sprint forward and with unnatural grace swing onto the skele-bear’s back.

->What are you doing?

You pull out your sword and point it forward.

>Onwards Voytek! Today we ride!

Voytek stands up and you fall off.

->Did you truly think I would indulge one such as yourself with a ride on my back?

>Godsdamnit, you’re supposed to listen to me you quadrupedal shit!

Ivan chortles loudly, pleased to see you at the disadvantage for once. Then he pulls out the Grimoire and flips to the back cover. “Radomil, are familiars required to obey their binder’s orders?”

There’s a short pause before Ivan turns the Grimoire to face you, a satisfied smirk on his face.
“A very interesting question master Nickonovitch! Most familiars are required to obey the orders of their master. However, sapient familiars, ones that are self-aware, are not under similar constraints! Although still loyal to the one who bound them, sapient familiars are in no way forced to obey their master’s commands. Such would violate the sanctity of the familiar binding ritual!”

>Godsdamn it Ivan. I knew you’d fuck this up somehow.

Ivan skipps back from you, grinning merrily. “Hey, hardly my fault this happened Bones. Maybe you should just try to earn Voytek’s respect?”

Fucking hells. Nothing ever works out easy, does it? You clamber to your feet and walk over to Voytek.

>Alright Voytek. Clearly we got off on the wrong foot. My name is Bones, Unlicensed Fool. And you’re Voytek, ex-dire bear. Tell me about yourself.

->What would you like to know good Unlicensed Fool Bones?

>On a scale from one to RAWR, how much do you enjoy fighting?

Voytek cocks his head.

->Hmm. I would not rightly know, Good Fool. I must try my paw at it, then I shall answer your query.

>At least he doesn’t seem opposed to the concept of violence. There’s a start. Now what?
>Leave the campsite. It’s not yet afternoon, perhaps you can find a landmark and get unlost.
>Stay here and Talk to somebody.
>>Leave the campsite. It’s not yet afternoon, perhaps you can find a landmark and get unlost.
Continue heading north.

Good old north would never betray us.
>Other: Spar to determine fighting potential.
>Leave campsite to get unlost
Leave camp, and get to know voytek, see how he feels about murder.
Arright, votes compiled, will start writing.
You give Voytek a once over before picking your blade back up.

>Hoy Voytek. Let’s rumble.

->By rumble do you mean engage in fisticuffs? Does that not carry the risk of injury?

>You gonna pussy out?

->It would be a terrible stain on my honor if I brought harm to a comrade. Even one as ill bred as yourself.

>In the forest, there was a bear
>all thought of him with despair
>For they believed he had might
>And they were unwilling to fight
>Little did they know he couldn’t beat a hare

Voytek rose onto his hind quarters and roared. The skele-bear brings his right paw down , slicing through the air where you had stood mere moments before.

You scramble upright, sword in hand.

He’s fast!

Voytek leaps forward. Without needless tissue like muscle and blood he soars through the air.

You can only watch in awe as an entire dire bear’s skeleton comes crashing down on top of you.

Voytek roars once more before releasing you.

-> My apologies for my ungentlemanly conduct Good Fool Bones. Something in your wordplay… it drove me to a rage most beastly.

You get back up, brushing snow off of your bones.

>No apologies. You did good out there champ.
You turn towards Ivan.

>Let’s get out of here. North. North never fails.

Ivan merely nods dumbly and begins to walk away. You and Voytek follow him. As the three of you walk, you lean over to Voytek and ask,

>So. Voytek. How do you feel about fucking up bitches?

->Pardon my confusion Good Fool, but are you inquiring as to whether or not I would engage in Beastiality?

>Well, I don’t think it would count as that for you any more, but no. I mean killing. Whacking a motherfucker, ya know?

->Well I certainly have no reservations about killing one guilty of incest. In general though… I don’t know. An honorable duel following the rules of engagement and sporting conduct, yes. But I doubt you engage in anything of the sort.

>I’ll take that as a tentative yes.

->Take it however you will.

You turn away from the stuck up bear and walk faster to catch up with Ivan. The forest seems to be thinning, much to your relief. Just as you are about to say as much to Ivan, the ground opens up beneath you, and the two of you plummet down a long stone shaft. After what must be several minutes of tumbling fall, the two of you land in a heap on a mat of straw.

>Well, that was fucking odd. What now?
>Call to Voytek?
>Get your bearings?
>>Get your bearings?
Check around and check if Ivan is still breathing.
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>Call to Votyek?
>Get your bearings?

But aren't these just the same thing?
Quit speaking like a dipshite to Voytek, tell Ivan to fire fist so you guys can see the area around you.
Votes tabulated. Sorry updates are taking so much longer than usual. Are we still having a good time ITT?

>Are we still having a good time ITT
Of course we are, or I wouldn't be here.
Those Carlos jokes get me every time.
Actually yes. I never realized until now that I wanted a quest where we could be the dickass we always wanted to be.

>I made a funny and /tg/ liked it!
You sit up, unfazed by the long fall. Wherever this place is, it’s almost completely black, the only bit of light coming from the sloping tunnel you just fell down. You begin to poke Ivan.

>Hey dipshit. Get up. We need some light up in here.

Ivan groans with pain at your unique display of concern. You might not be able to see anything, but the kid doesn’t sound like he’s in a good way. Opting to leave Ivan be, you walk over to the shaft and shout up

>HEY! Voytek! We’re down here!

You hear no response. For a brief instant you worry that perhaps you’ve fallen too far for Voytek to hear you. Then in the back of your mind, a voice echoes.

->There is no need to shout, Good Fool. I am right next to the pit that so insidiously captured both you and sirrah Ivan.

>Are you in my mind?

->As you are in mine.

>Fucking wonderful.

->I would certainly consider the situation suboptimal as well.

>Well. Anything you can do for us up there?

A pause.
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->I am doubtful of how much service I might render from up here. I lack opposable thumbs, and therefore would be of little use as an agent of your escape. I could try to fetch aid, but that seems a fool’s errand.

>Yeah... Fuck.

->I would suggest you move clear of the shaft. I am about to make my descent.




You scramble clear of the shaft, dragging a still moaning Ivan along with you. After several seconds of clattering, a large form deposits itself on the hay in front of you. Voytek is here.

->My. It’s most definitely not bright down here.

>Yeah. Gimme a second, I think Ivan still has a candle.

You rummage through Ivan’s pack before withdrawing your hand, clutching a stump of a candle. After a few attempts, you finally light it, and hold it up to observe your surroundings. You’re disappointed, but not surprised, to see you’re in a dungeon. As you scan the room, you notice a small lump, hidden in shadows, lying in the corner of the room.

>What do?
>Poke lump for science?
>Poke Ivan for broken limbs?
>Poke Voytek, because why not?
>>Poke lump for science?
Do I need to say more?
>Poke lump
Poking lump for science has it, writing.
Is a loli.

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You place the candle down on the damp floor and pick up your sword. You begin to walk over the the lump in the corner of the room. It’s buried underneath the hay and appears to be shivering slightly. You lean over the lump inquisitively. Then you poke it.

The lump shifts slightly and sighs.

Intrigued, you pull down the sheet of hay to get a good look at whatever is hiding under there.

Its a young looking girl. She has large cat ears that rise from her head and a long feline tail. She looks up at you, a wide smile on her face. As she gets a clear look at the being standing in front of her it freezes into place. Her eyes, however, belie the terror within.

>What the shit.
>Fuck this, I’m outtie. Cover her back up with hay.
>Attempt to communicate with the alien lifeform.
>"Hi there! I'm the birthday skeleton!"

Good call there Anon. Either you're the sharpest cookie in the crayola box, or I was too obvious
>>Attempt to communicate with the alien lifeform.
So, from which circle of hell do you come from?
>Birthday Skeleton
Alright, it appears that its Aurelie's Birthday. What a lovely surprise indeed!
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>Hi there! I’m the Birthday Skeleton!

There is a pause before the girls screams.


>Now that’s hardly the right way to greet the Birthday Skeleton!

->That is hardly proper conduct when addressing a lady in this situation.

Before you can tell Voytek to hibernate up his own ass, the screaming girl leaps forth. Before you have a chance to react her tiny claws are out and they’re scratching at your eyes.


>Ach! Damnit brat, keep this up and the Birthday Skeleton won’t be coming back next year!

The girl continues her attack on your absent eyeballs, completely unfazed by the prospect that she might not be visited by the Birthday Skeleton next year.

>Ackpthb! Damnit girl, you’re going to scratch the skull!

You draw back your blade and bring it down.
Pommel first. The hilt of the sword strikes the frantic child on the head and she falls off of you, dazed.

>Eat that Bitch!

->Excellent work. You’ve managed to best a child in the field of battle.

>I stole your fucking teeth Voytek.

As Voytek contemplates your horrendous betrayal, you contemplate the girl lying in front of you.

>What do you do?
>Restrain psychotic child?
>Kill psychotic child?
>Wait for psychotic child to awaken?
When she awakens,
>continue to insist that you're the birthday skeleton
>I stole your fucking teeth Votyek
sides are go for launch. Also seconding >>28483519
Alright, restrain wins. Will continue claiming position as birthday skeleton

>railroads awYear
How insightful Captcha!
>>Restrain psychotic child?
Then poke Ivan to see if he will make it.
Just telling you that you're great.

Yes, we're having fun.
Just assume the answer is yes.
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Thanks anon. You're great, all of you. And I mean that shit. Wouldn't be a quest without you guys.
Fucking this
The good think is we can restrain her as long as need be, since we don't have muscles that can get fatigued.
No no, not a birthday skeleton, we are HER birthday skeleton.

Then we can put her inside our ribcage and pretend we are a skeleton mecha.
I totally agree with this guy, you're pretty killer.
Also, you know how to write a damn good asshole of a skeleton, we need more DMs like you.
OP of (>>28483519) here, THIS THIS THIS. If worst comes to worst, we can use her animu eyes to great effect.

>Please, Mr. Guard, don't hurt my skellyton! He's my -birthday present-! *sniffle for effect*
Should we get the evangelion theme in the background and ride Voytek in to battle?s
Yes we should get the evangelion theme.
Give me a second
I'm going to make the next OP picture for this quest.
You decide not to risk child murder in the presence of a large skele-bear. Even if it is your familiar. You amble over to Ivan’s pack and withdraw his sleeping roll and a length of rope. You walk back to the strange girl and tie her up inside of the sleeping roll. With that out of the way, you walk back over to Ivan to give him a more thorough poking. After determining in your own crude fashion that he hasn’t sustained any major injuries you go back to the center of the room and wait for one of the two fleshies to wake up.

After about a minute the girl begins to stir. Or rather would have began to stir had you not masterfully constricted her movements with your ropecraft! Taking a moment to congratulate yourself on your successes in the field of bondage you wander back over to the girl, who is back to trembling.

>So little girl, are you ready to tell Your Birthday Skeleton your birthday wish?

The small girl is clearly on the verge of tears. You’re pleased to notice the Voytek has yet to intervene. “Th-th-there’s no such thingu as the Birthday Skeleton!”

>You’re right, there isn’t such a thing as THE Birthday Skeleton. Just Your Birthday Skeleton. And I’m him. Every time your Birthday came around I was there. Watching you. Standing over you while you slept on your birthday night. Because that’s what a Birthday Skeleton does. And when it wasn’t your birthday? I slept under your bed. Just Waiting. Waiting until I could come out again next year.

The girl seems pretty badly terrified right now, but suddenly she grows calm. You think you hear her mutter “Allowyn-sama…” Then she opens her eyes. Glaring at you.

“If you’re my Birthday Skeleton and lived under my bed, then why haven’t I seen you before BAKA!?”
You lean towards her, wishing you could smile wider than your default death’s head grin.

>That’s because you’re not supposed to see Your Birthday Skeleton. Never ever never. I suppose that means that I’ll have to hide in the one place you’ll never ever see me again.

You reach out with both your hands and force her mouth open.


The girl screams loudly and starts crying. Just as you start leaning forward, intoning
You feel a whack on the back of your skull.

You turn to see Ivan standing behind you, Grimoire in hand and a look of disgust on his face.

>Hey, you can’t just interrupt our routine like that! What do?
>Tell Ivan off?
>>Tell Ivan off?
Oh come on, he is ruining a perfectly funny if a bit scary joke.
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I tried, still learning how to properly use MS paint.
join the club. And thanks for the new OP based anon
Give him the best "Seriously, dude?" look that we can without facial muscles.

>"Now, I'll go ahead and untie you, but only if you promise not to claw at my eye sockets again, okay? We can be friends!"
>Turn to Ivan, say in a low voice:
>"I shudder to think how you would handle this."
Use our powers of limericking to entertain the child
No problem OP, it's the least I could do to thank you for making this quest/
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>"...or at least I would, if I still had shudders."

I'm on a fucking roll tonight.
It seems that exasperation is our reaction to Ivan's impertinence. I'll have to see if Bones is actually capable of using his limericks for good.
I just realized that Allowyn is pronounced exactly like halloween.

This is halloween...
This is halloween...
Wishing that you still possessed a set of facial muscles, you turn your head 180 degrees to face Ivan.

>You and Voytek should have a showdown for the title of High King Buzzkill. It’d be a close one.

“You were terrifying a child.”

>And it was hilarious. You’re just a stick in the mud.

->No, Bones I think you are just a cad of impossible proportions.

Removing your hands from the girl’s mouth, you stand up and face your judgemental comrades.

>Whatever. When she scratches your eyes out, don’t come crying to me.

As you wander off into the opposite corner to sulk, Ivan works to untie the girl. After a few minutes of struggling, the ropes fall off and she’s free. Rather than welcoming her saviour, she blasts away and scampers up on of the cell walls, hissing loudly at an attempt to get close.

After a few minutes of Ivan’s pathetic attempts to assuage her fears, you stand up and walk back over to the corner.

>Hey kid. You promise not to scratch my eyes out, and you’re birthday wish can be that I don’t crawl down your throat. Deal?

The girl considers you for a moment before nodding sniffily. She lowers herself back down to the floor, and sits back on the hay. As Ivan rushes off to fetch some food to ply the girl with, you crouch in front of her.

>Welp, she seems to have calmed down. What do?
>Ask her about herself?
>Stare at her in silence?
"Oh good, you aren't dead. Listen, I found a kid in here in case you were wondering. Wherever Here is. Go be a doll and scout ahead, daddy's busy."
>>Ask her about herself?
So, how in hell did you get here?

Do you want to ride around in my ribcage?
Alright everybody. I've got a paper due tomorrow and its getting a touch late. Imma call it a night.

Next Quest on... Tuesday probably.

As always feel free to ask me any questions or offer advice, suggestions, or requests. Will be lurking for a while anyhow.

Everyone have a good time tonight?
>Ask kid about self

>[x]Ask about herself and where the hell we are.

Might as well be proactive if we can't skeletonize the kid.
Yeah, this was killer, can't wait for the nest thread. I'll work on my paint skills, and see if I can get you a better OP image.
Thread Archived for ya'lls amusement


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