Hear ye, hear ye, I call to order another meeting of the Mage Guild. On the agenda for today: the Druid Grove is complaining about our plan to collapse all of the stars in the sky into a single tiny sphere so that the ultraintense gravity of the resulting microstar will be useful for keeping doors closed during windy days by placing it just behind the door. They say that it's "shortsighted," "an affront to all that is natural," and "doesn't even really make sense." They're threatening to hold an interguild meeting about this, and I don't need to tell you that the Sailors Union won't be on board with us removing the stars, for obvious reasons. I need suggestions, people! How can we placate the damn druids without submitting to the whims of nature on particularly windy days?
>>27561099Well, Archwizard, what if we presented the druids with irrefutable proof that there wasn't always so many stars? Then, we could make the argument that we're actually reverting the sky to a more natural form by reducing their number.
We could replace all doors with tunnels through astral plane.
Bribe them with moon sapphires!
>>27561099We could use fireballs?
Archmage, have we considered just using a doorstop?
M'lord Antruthius, I do believe that you have hidden deep inside one of your thinking pits a group of mad artificers and magicians who have been attempting to convert raw magic power into a device that attracts similar devices through invisible means.I hear the project is currently called "Magnetronamaton" or something equally silly. Perhaps these geniuses working under you could have the answer you seek?
>>27561099Umm.. Place walls of force behind the doors so they cannot open?
>>27562934Where does one get this "doorstop"? Should I summon an archfiend and offer him a child's soul for it? I think I've still got a few in my lab, somewhere...
Why do we even let the druids continue to exist, anyways?
This is why I turned all my doors into golems! Then when you want them to do something, you just tell them to do it.
Archwizard, might I suggest attempting this experiment on parallel planes prior to performing it on ours? The Astrologers would likely be most upset at us maneuvering the local cosmos for one, and the Cult of the Star God would probably send more eldritch horrors after us.
>>27563212Not messing with the Astrologers might be the only good reason so far for not messing with the stars.Lets try alternatives to making doors lock up in pla... I GOT IT, lets freeze the doors in time!
>>27563229I tried that, and it worked fine until I went on vacation for a few months. People kept knocking on the door, but the force was frozen and gathered in the surface of the door. When I got back and opened it, the door exploded.
>>27561099Whose fault was that exactly? Because every person has come to me to see their future has been told, "Chocolate Pudding." While, I do know the guild has a wing related to chocolate pudding, I hope that these people won't be coming back for their money anytime soon.After all, how do you think we get all that money, and do not say you conjure it from the plane of money because they are all really greedy there.
*Adjusts his translator drone*"I've traced the disappearance of all the stars to this mudball. Return them or face destruction. As a Star Shepard my job was to nurture new stars, and dying stars. Now some one messed with fabric of reality. Return them."
>>27563390But we haven't gone through with the plan yet! Did one of you do that while we were talking about it or are we getting temporal interference again? That's really impolite, you know.
>>27563417>>27563390It's probably just some scheme cooked up by the druids, he certainly looks weird enough to be associated with them. Ignore him.
Once again, I object to this plan and bring up my plan to compress all fleshling entities into one lump and turn it into a single tiny tendril. This can then be combusted to demonstrate a sign of affection to the next-door binary system. Hot damn those twins, watching them undulate round each others makes my corona throb.
>>27561099Sorry I'm late. I brought the coffee though. Also why are there two giant robots walk to the guild.
>>27563651What did I say about going after binary systems? They will eventually collapse and circle the drain, did I not tell you this? A nice young star like yourself should find an older and more mature star.
Esteemed council, I would once again like to raise the topic of the overt discrimination against my field and its practitioners. For too long have we been judged by the color of our magic, for too long has white magic dominated the academia and received all of the funding! I call for equal funding and an extended curriculum.
>>27563064I once dated a druid. After we broke up my place was crawling with insects, a large group of cats mated underneath my window every night, birds defecated on my tower, dogs dug up my yard, and trees would smack me when I wasn't looking.Angry druids are terribly annoying.
>>27563911>they'll eventually collapseAhem.Wizard.
>>27564050Anything wizards get involved with will eventually be destroyed or corrupted beyond recognition. Such is life.
>>27563390Stars? What stars? You're probably looking for that OTHER mudball. We're all upstanding sentients here yessiree.
You know i really think the druids should be with us on this one. They could use the intense solar radiation to provoke extrodinary growth in their plants, and maybe even sustain magicked plants that couldn't exist otherwise. That's what got me interested in this thing to begin with. Speaking of which, could i borrow the microstar this saturday, i wanted to see how the radiation affects the fruits of an appletree, i have a theory that it might grant extended life for a lot cheaper than conventional methods.
>>27563921I'm hearing what you're saying brother, but really does it have to be so dark and gloomy? White magic just tend to be a lot more upbeat.
>>27564145>ally with smelly hippiesI didn't know we had a jestomancer on staff.
>>27564163Oh pls, i've worked with druids on plenty occations in my work with plants. They might not have the greatest scope but their divine powers really help with some of the production costs. Just don't inform them that you are planning to harvest the toxins and you tend to be golden.
>>27564068Corrupted... or *improved*?
>>27564162See, this is exactly what I am talking about. "White magic is more upbeat. Black magic is so gloomy! Black magicians are all criminals!". These stereotypes must go if we are to preserve the spirit of the academy. I propose dedicating a month a year to studying the history of black magic and its great practitioners. To take pride in this glorious heritage!
>>27564258A month? A MONTH?! Do you realize how much time would be wasted that could be used on proper research that would actually give some results. I have to spent time in my greenhouses to watch over my strains. Do you realize how many kinds of plants would go extinct if i failed to take care of them?No Sir, you are free to study whatever you want, but don't take up my precious time with it as well. Not all of us plan to continue our studies after we pass away, y'know?
>>27564300Someone seems to have cast a non-detection spell on me, I'm not sure what happened there. I blame the witches.
Why don't we just hire a few bards to convince them it's a good idea?
>>27564310Bards are to silly for my tastes, besides 80 percent of druids are female, they'll just end up knocked up half of them asking us to take responsibility when the bards have run off.
>>27564258Yes, we must free ourselves of such silly pretensions and provide a months worth of regents to Morgoth Bob for further exploration
>>27564310The last envoy we sent to the bardic academies was forcibly ejected after the elixer of throat clearing worked a little too well and removed the voicebox from the voluntary participants.I dread to consider what means we will need to convince them to aid us this time, not when the sailor's guild gives them ample tales to tell to align them against us on this one.
>>27564343Eh, they can sacrifice them to their Moon Goddess or have the wolves raise them or whatever it is they do with all the babies they have left over from the spring orgies.
But can you wizards see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
>>27564379You know i say it's their own damn fault. Everyone knows you should be more specific about what you ask for when ordering a potion. I say it's an honest mistake they should get over already. That headmaster wasn't even that popular.But yes i dread that it will actually be the sailors that will be the big trouble in this case, they have too many good friends around the world. Maybe if we drained the sea they couldn't get the word out and we'd be in the clear? besides with a proper filter it would be a great source for the irrigation system i have planned.
>>27564418Why yes, it's the addictive properties i've added to my cinnamon trees.
>>27564441I see we have visitors from the fighters guild. Don't worry, plenty of people have Int as their dump stat.
>>27564418Look, I'm sorry about renaming your penis Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I thought it was really funny at the time. Can't we just put that behind us?
>>27564431And where would we store such a titanic quantity of water? Sure, we could use a pocket plane to do such, but the bureaucratic nightmare it would produce would be mind boggling. I can only placate so many people asking why they have to wait in line to get their water.Its a pity we ended the dwarves' project for aquifers of holding.
>>27564463We could try putting it in the Underdark. Kill six birds with one stone.
>>27564463Look that really must be a matter up to the conjuration specialists in the north tower. Besides they could need a new project they've been all bummed out since that catastrophic gate spell that let that eldritch horror loose.Dwarves have a great flair for engineering, but they really are too closeminded when it comes to the applications of magic. It just didn't work out.
>>27564455>bring a metawizardgod damn i hate you guys, cause your shit is bullshit even for us wizards.
Um, if I might ask you all of extreme magical intellect and powerful magic users, how did you all start out with learning spells? Say for example you are thrust into a world you have no understanding of most of the mechanics as well as no spellbooks or teachers to help you learn a spell or what you could do with said spell, how would you go about experimenting? Im just asking as a friend of mine is having trouble attaining his full potential and this dimensional portal is only going to last for so long afore I get snapped back.So any suggestions would be great
>>27564514Have you tried waving a stick around and speaking Latin?
>>27564514Have you tried interpretive dance?
>>27564503You say that, yet you love those metamagic rods we produce.>>27564514Well personally i learned my spells through many hard years of apprenticeship from an old master of the trade. Sexual molestation aside it was a great deal. since then i have entered the field of herbomancy, in which i generally learn new stuff from performing tests in conditions and various magicks for the plants. It's slow work compared to so many other fields of expertise but it's very rewarding once you obtain results. not to mention you make a fortune selling components to other wizards.
Don't worry, move along, me saying this will make sense in a few years.
>>27564527>LatinStay pleb, Martha
>>27564559I never worry. That on the other hand tends to worry some people.a quick question though: should i have touched the gold?
>>27564527I kinda asked the same thing then I got poked in the eye with said stick and told that it doesnt seem to work like that. From what i can puzzle out when he goes on tangets, at great length, with no end in sight, guy likes to talk alot. Anyway talking about his magic is that it seems to be emotionaly based with some kinda gylph system from what he could figure out from some older books that was left in the town we all had been more or less convinced to live in for the time being, that can help provide the right mindset for the spell to be cast...>>27564554Do you think that would work? Not really sure how successful it would be, most the time when they try to do some magic they sometimes shock the hell out of themselves...or we all get to share in the fun times of shocking if its really a big flub up.>>27564556Apprenticeship, right that would be great to have if most of the natives werent terrified of us, or at least if the damn embassy would let us hire one, dang bureaucratic nonsense steals at least 15% of our sheckels....[muttering intensifies]
>>27564595I'm sorry but that really only goes to show that you shouldn't mess around with dimensional travel spells until you have a surefire way of getting back again. I would recommend investing in a Red String of Returning, but i guess it's too late for you, you really need to lay it out as you begin your travel.>>27564527Surely you mean draconic
>>27564595Sounds like something dreaded. Might want to ask the local necromancers more about that, they're good with the spooky parts.>>27564642Right, Draconic. What did I say?
WE SHOULD BURN THE STARS, THEN THE DRUIDS, NO LET'S THROW THE DRUIDS INTO STARS AND THEN BURN THE STARS WITH FIREEEEE!
>>27564742Whoa Steve, did you stop seeing your therapy guy? Because we have excellent cognitomancers here, maybe you wanna see one? Also please don't go near my greenhouses.
>>27564642Fuuuck, i dont even know where to find most of those things! And I dont even have teh equopment for doing magic either! And to be fair I and a whole bunch of others were minding our own business when we got sucked up like a curly straw into this dimension, world, cartoon what ever you wanna call it.>>27564706...You might be onto something there, we have encountered a few skeletons, zombies and when we got rid of most of them their remains reconstituted itself into this 12 foot tall horror thing that was huge! Relative to our own bodies at any rate Course seeing that most of us tried to book it back to town through the forest but one of our numbers tried to pull a paladin trying to tank it when we dont even have that much going for us aside from basic weapons and hardly any armor. We came back I did a really cool jumping thing planting a dagger into its back but well that didnt really do anything to it then one of my other friends pull me off, tries to get me away from the horror with the others when I had to yank her back from this zombie trying to bite her then everything turned into red and pain before I passed out. When I came to we were out of the old town and in the forest between our home and that place. Would that be some big signs of a necromancer working there then?And uh sorry didnt realize I was trying to be a bard hah.On that note would witch doctor/voodoo practitioners be apart of the guild? few of my friends wound up in the race that specilizes in that field of study and was looking on some ideas for that as well as spell ideas for them to try...[Crackling can be heard in the background] Ah well shit portals gonna distablize soonish...
>>27564742THROW THE STARS INTO THE DRUIDSTHROW THE STARS INTO THE DRUIDSAND THEN THROW THE DRUID-STARS INTO SPACE, WHERE THEY EXPLODE AND MAKE NEW STARSTHEN WE COLLAPSE THOSE STARS FOR OUR DOORSTAR
>>27564776uhh, i might have accidentally set the therapist on fire. I think he is alright tough. Fire does not hurt people, right? I don't know anymore after my ascension into a being of pure energy.
>>27564852Dammit Steve! Cognitomancers are some of the most expensive specialists to get through the education system, and people with a knack for it is rare as balls too! I'm going to the High Master with this.Just... just stay there okay. Do you want some chamomile tea? I grew it myself. Can you even drink anymore?
Guys, why not just poison their sacred well or unleash an horrible disease that will kill them all?Actually, we don't need even to kill them, just giving them bad diarrhea for a couple weeks should be enough.
>>27564902I think some root of Trollbite should do the trick then. Does anyone have a potion of invisibility so we can sneak it in there, or should we hire a rogue?
I come from the future to bring you terrible news.The druids are going to call for an interguild meeting and the sailor/astronomer coalition will win in a landslide. Also, just a head up, the alchemists in the third tower forgot to turn off their burner. The lab will explode in about 10 minutes.
I have recently checked. There was a precedent on a little known world where entire costellation disappeared and druids did not say anything. On legal ground we can thus require them to ignore our acts.After all we're not even making them disappear
>>27564954Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, BALLS. NO. Anyone got a good way of disposing of an intern? I really did not need this.
>>27564919A root of trollbite? what are you trying to do? Give them a minor gas problems? We need crystal lotus extract or cakerainbow blooms.>>27564986Define " a good way of disposing of an intern".I believe I developed a skillset that would allow me to very efficiently dispose of an intern.
I'm afraid it gets even worse, my comrades.The Astronomer's Guild is going absolutely nuts over the idea that dozens of generations of astral mapping could be rendered worthless. They say if we go through with this plan, they'll stop giving out the celestial coordinates to a bunch of the greater astral planes they've been keeping a lid on.I suppose we could just discover them ourselves in time, but considering the infinite number of planes available...
>>27565004...Surprise me. I have some lovely soul gems here with your name on them. Gee, if only I had a REANIMATED THRALL to help around my lab.
>>27565004Have faith. I've been working on concentrating toxins in my plants. i think it's safe to say that with a couple of plants worth of roots from MY trollbite plants in their well, and the druids should be safely banished to their lavatories or wherever those hippies do their deeds for at least a month.Do not take me for some mere gardner, when it comes to the power of plants i am one of the leading experts in the field.
I've got it!What if we cast an illusion spell so that no one THINKS the stars are missing, while we set our plan in action? We'd reap all of the benefits and none of the consequences!
>>27565022Well, how smart and strong are we are talking about? I have about 200 different options under the thrall category. >>27565056In that case, I say we a bear rogue to poison their well. No one will suspect a bear.>>27565064Good luck trying to get anyone from the illusionist guild to get off their fat butt and leave their decadent illusions for 5 minutes.
Well, there's always trading with them... And there's trading them cannons...And there's trading them cannonballs... What about trading them cannonballs by force? Who else would agree that Diplomat Grapeshot is up to the task?
>>27565064True seeing, Clerics before we can blink, Pakadins too, it'll be like that one time we harboured that demon cult. That was practically a holy crusade! Do we really need that?
>>27565079A bear rogue. That is indeed quite ingenius. Gentlemen i believe we have our solution.
>>27565087> that one time we harboured that demon cultWait, we stopped worshipping Adramalax the All Knowing?
>>27565079Oh, pish-posh, we have the power to smash all the stars in the cosmos into a single beacon of light and gravity, but a simple planet-wide illusion spell is beyond our ken? You shame our craft. We should just do it ourselves.
>>27565087The Astronomer's Guild has True-Seeing Clerics?That... actually makes sense. Crap.
>>27565079Well, he was a little undernourished, but that's what he gets for being so stubborn. 'No I can't eat raw calcium for sustenance.' and 'I don't care if it's an excellent source of Potassium, I don't eat feldspar.' Ingrate. So you havn't got much to work with in strength. I want something that can understand 'if, then'. Of course, I've always got a few phylactery components if you can build me a boulder lugger too. That fat young lad in the Celestial Wizardry department might do. Hypothetically, of course.
>>27565149Flesh golem it is then. Awakened for more pleasure.
>>27565110Don't feel too bad. I was off collecting neutrinos for my latest Golem project. Ran into one, made jokes about getting my rocks off and so on. Clerics are assholes.
>>27565160Excellent. You'll find the 'ingredients' for soul retention in your office soon enough.
>>27565079I COULD DESTROY THEM AND THEIR PRECIOUS TREES WITH AN ENERGY BURST OUTMATCHED ONLY BY A HYPERNOVA!
Forgive me, but wasn't it for this very reason that the 'Hold Portal' spell was invented? Can someone explain to me why we're re-inventing the wheel here? I mean, come on; if we're just fucking with the laws of physics for the hell of it, why not just invent... Now bear with me on this one, as it's a little out-there... Why don't we create... A 'Mass Hold Portal' spell?
>>27565217Steve drink your chamomile tea.
Hello. As a regular human wizard, I must suggest we yield to the wishes of those damned, handsome druids. They are better, smarter, and smell nicer than us.
>>27565284I TRIED TO CONSUME THIS LIQUID BUT IT VAPORIZED WHEN TI TOUCHED MY BODY.SO I RETURNED TO SCHEME HOW TO ANNIHILATE ALL OF THOSE DIRTY TREE FUCKERS
>>27565253Are you high on the fumes again?
>>27565253but this is what makes us mages in the first place. If we just took the easiest way we'd never discover new spells. nay, i say out with old solutions and in with creativity. For people who so often change the rules of the universe we need to remain adaptable and able to come up with new solutions. Remember that week when someone accidentally cancelled gravity. We had to invent new methods just to pour a regular fluid.
>>27565253Artificer are not allowed in the wizard's guild meeting. Come back when you can cast real spells.>>27565300Go away you smelly druid. For your information, WE are smarter, more powerful and we don't smell like bear poop like you druids.
>>27565335Poop? i didn't even notice. i suspect i'm getting to used to the fertilizer in the green houses. i have an inkling that the apprentices are putting some in my beefstew too. Joke's on them though, it makes it all the heartier.
>>27565335It's not bear poop! Its-I mean I have no idea what you're talking about, I'm a wizard! Look at my pointy hat and my beard!
>>27565356Made from organic hemp brown canvas.You are not fooling anyone you dirty tree fucker.>>27565217Wouldn't that kill us too?
>>27565354Damn those witches with their non-detection spells, i swear that's the last time i date a woman who cares more about her familiar than anyone else. If it didn't want to be sat on why didn't it say something?
>>27565335What? I'm sure it was ruled that artificers were allowed in! It was right after that meeting deciding that female apprentices should be encouraged to have a bit more fun with their uniforms, instead of those full-body, high-neck, hooded things (complete with pants) that they were wearing. I remember Arch-sorcerer Mandred's announcement that they should take inspiration from the dashing males in the guild!Wait... Oh gods dammit, I think I set the co-ordinates wrong on my rod of inter-planar transference again. Seems I've ended up in some bizarre mirror universe. I'm terribly sorry. I'll show myself out.
>>27565381NAH YOU'LL BE FIND, YOU ARE ALL BEINGS OF PURE ENERGY, RIGHT?
>>27565381Well we could prepare a barrier, but i do like living on a spherical planet. Furthermore there are some very old plants in the druids woods i'd rather not burn i've yet to find a way to make them grow in my greenhouses, not to mention i suspect the druids are hiding some plants for me, that i'd rather like to get my hands on befoer we burn the woods.
>>27565426But.. but.. Fire is good!
>>27565426Couldn't you just replicate those from the ashes? I know it would be time consuming project, but that's what apprentices are for.
>>27565398I dated a vampire witch once. It was a weird experience to say the least. At least she taught me some nice new things if you know what I mean. By that I mean blood sorcery.>>27565414You can stay, but stop making nonsense suggestion like "use the shortest path" or "do not destroy the world".>>27565415I have some bad news for you. Wait, does negative energy counts?>>27565426So no burning the woods. Lets just poison the druids like planned.
>>27565444Fire is good, but an excess of it will destroy everything of value in the forest not just for the druids, but for the mages and wizards, as well. How about we contact the druids and negotiate an agreement? We could have the illusionists make it seem like the stars remain intact while we are at the bartering table. They won't ever know what happened. Better still, it would let us screw with the astrologers and oracles from time to time.
>>27565447I'm not saying it couldn't be done, but i don't trust my apprentices to not mess up the parts and change the genetics of the plants. and while that often leads to some interesting finds i prefer to have the originals first so i can always go back to square one.Actually i think the whole genetics business might be why the druids don't wanna share their plants with me in the first place "but think of the consequences it could kill entire ecosystems". Silly druids, that's the goal.
>>27565482And when the negotiations are going on WE CAN BURN THEM FROM THIS PLANE!
I come from the future to bring even worst news and a warning.I managed to escape right before the prime material plane colapsed on itself.The starscrushing plan is going to end the world and start a new one were druids are going to be dominants.As an aside, strangely enough, the last 10 time cycles ended exactly that way.
>>27565537Another apocalyptic prophecy? Take a number and stand over there.
>>27565537>druids are going to be dominantsSurely you are kidding, druids will never stop being pussies.On the off chance that you are right though we should probably do something. the material plane collapsing i can deal with, but returning once everything has settled down only to find that druids have taken over is just not acceptable.
>>27565578Hey, hang on...weren't you originally the union rep for the apprentices and acolyte union?Or was that Pete? I can't keep you two straight.
>>27565578Dude, I am a chronomancer, you can trust me.This is not a prophecy, I was there and saw it happen before my eyes.
Pfft, they're druids. Tell the tree-huggers to go to hell and let's do it anyway.That or we use my newly designed Ever-Burning Tree to fuck 'em up. Wanna hug trees? Better enjoy the smell of burnt flesh, ya fur-wearing freakshows.
>>27565415I make things smell like other things.
>>27565603>>27565592In the next time cycle, the mana balance will favor druids for something like that. It may also have something to do with the Overgod being tired of wizards resetting reality.
>>27565603Weren't you at that herbomancy conference a few months back in Avalon? I liked your work, though i think that it might be a bit too narrow a subject to specialize in. Still good to know there are other people out there doing work for the herbomancy cause.
>>27565620But what good is a reality that can't be reset? It's almost like they want us to be responsible for our actions or something?
>>27564742>>27564818>>27565064I really must insist that this plan not go ahead. Don't make me come down there in person.
>>27565635Probably. I presented my newest breed of combusting seeds. Apparently the herbomancers weren't too happy with the design.Apparently farmers need to grow crops, not fight fires. Who knew?
>>27565657If all you have to add to the conversation are thinly veiled threats and stonewalling, then go shine somewhere else. The very least you could do is add something productive, like some new means to make good on your threats that could spawn innovative new approaches to burning druids to death.
>>27565655Nah, I talked with the Overgod between 2 time cycles, he's just really lazy.>>27565657You don't sound really impressive for a sentient star trained in wizardry.
I say we burn the forests down! That way they will be too distracted with their burning Treants to notice the stars!
>>27565711Look we've been over this, i'd really rather we found a solution that didn't involve fire. Important research could be lost!
>>27565700I have the perfect idea.Burning fever plague. It will make them burn from insides out and is transmitted mostly by feces, to they will all be infected in no time.
>>27565711I LIKE YOUR THINKIN' WIZARD
>>27565711Burning treants.. By Merlin's magical shop of wonders, that's GENIUS! Ever-burning treants, the druids'll love them.
>>27565726FIRE BASED SPELLS ARE BEST SPELLS!! I HAVE THE CONE OF FLAMES, YOU GOT THE FIREBALLS?!
>>27565724Burn you say. is this a literal burn or a figurative one. If literal what is the likelyhood of this starting a forestfire? If we can avoid a forestfire i'm all on board with this plan.
>>27565732But that will kill them. Unless we make them burning undead treant. I suddenly have an idea for a new breed of undeads.>>27565738Both figurative and litteral. It's not likely to start a forest fire, unless the woods are extremely dry and there is a lot of wind.
>>27565735BETTER, I GOT FIRE BOULDERS, THEY'RE LIKE GIANT ROCKS BUT MADE OUT OF FIRE!
>>27565596Different Paul. He's from HR. Pete's from Accounting of Cruel and Unusual Expenses. He left because of that thing with Dread Wo.>>27565597Last time the Guild trusted a Chronomancer, the Archmage had to raise his grandmentor (or whatever you call a mentor's mentor) too look at... Something. Not taking chances.
>>27565785WOOH!! WHERE'S LAVAMANCER STEVE?! HE LOVES THIS SHIT!
>>27565779I can provide you with fire, in fact i sent a living blaze to your quarters! Isn't that just great? Man i love fire so much. Hmm i bet i could bang those hot-ass fire elementals. WIZARDS, WE GOT A NEW MISSION! FIND THOSE HOT-ASS FIRE BITCHES AND FUCK THEM WITH YOUR ''MAGICAL WANDS''
>>27565701It's hard to cast spells with material components when you're a star, you know. You really have to pick and choose. On the plus side, energetic spells are easy.>>27565700About 98% of the guild doesn't even use doors, and the remaining 2% can't in fact go ahead with compressing all the stars the way you suggested. I had a words with the druids face to face (they've a most wonderful radiation tan now) and they have in fact said that quite a lot of wizards themselves will be inconvenienced by all the stars being squashed; for example the ones who are using stars for other experiments, or those who are in fact stars.
>>27565829I like them fire bitches too. Too bad they are dangerously hot for me. Ahhh hot times.
Why don't we just get rid of all the wind instead?
>>27565890That's actually a good point. The atmosphere isn't doing anything useful, right?
>>27565890No man, wind is super important, without wind the oceans wouldn't get oxidized so all sealife would die... or something, i'm not sure on the details it was just something Locedon the Aquamancer told me. Look i really like salmon okay, so i think that's a bad idea.
>>27561099Archmage, I've worked out a spell just for this purpose.*Flourishes a wand*Behold the wand of un/locking! I'm willing to sell them for the low price of a noble child's first tooth. Scrolls I'll sell for the first scale shed by a dragon of adult age or older.
>>27565941I'll give you five pounds of mystery meat for a scroll.
>>27565931We could keep a bit of it in jars, just in case. Or just make land-salmon.
>>27565941Hmm i think i have a few scales lying around somewhere sign me up for a few scrolls
>>27565837See, there we go. Much more productive. Just don't let the union hear about this 98 percent to 2 percent thing, or they'll be all kinds of up in arms about elitism and how we're catering to the top people at the cost of everybody else...its a bloody headache, I swear.
>>27565955What can I control with mystery meat? I'm seriously tired of dealing with these Yrdenemul-damned adventurers. I need more minions....500 pounds for a scroll. That's enough to animate into a flesh monster. Remember, once you have the scroll, you can put it in your spellbook.
>>27565972Bah! I make more wind from a serving of Marker the Culinomancer's bean-salad than you'll ever see in a year spent out in the Black Hills!
DAMN THEIR FECES ENCRUSTED HIDES! I swear, those accursed druids are up in arms about every last thing we do! How did they even find out about this?
>>27566093Its mystery meat, even I don't know what beast it is from. I have the sneaking suspicion its from a Arolian tentacle beast and could be used to create more of them.I can clone the meat until I have 500 pound, brb.>>27566109Wait, aren't you the gentleman who penned the necronomicon?
>>27566121Leak mages sent a message to everyone in a hundred-mile radius.
>>27566163Oh that's just silly. That guy was crazy. I mean, did you READ that thing? It was so crazy even the fire wouldn't burn it.
>>27566196That cursed leek mage, i should never have trained him! i should've known he would betray me, should've realized there'd be a reason he'd choose such a specific speciality, now i must find him and end him even if it costs me my li- oooh leAk mage. right, that makes a lot more sense. i still say the leek mage is a shifty dude. also what his obsession with spinning them?
>>27566196WHAT?!?! OPERATIONAL TRANSPARENCY?!? IN ANYTHING REMOTELY RELATED TO MY DEPARTMENT? WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS OUTRAGE?
>>27566270I poisoned his dinner with mercury. He has gone mad, preventing leeks from being grown in vast amounts and keeping their prices up.
>>27566231You have to read it from cover to cover to get your Ne.D, (Necromantia Doctor).>>27566270Leek mage, Vineomancer? Whats next? Tomato wizard?
>>27566287CURSE YOU! I will never have a reasonably priced perfect potato soup with bacon and leeks again!
>>27566163Necro- what? I don't know what you're talking about THEY ARE WATCHING now I really must be going, people to see, things to placate, dunes to scale, flesh that must be GNAWED TO THE BONE, excuse me, pardon me, excuse me...
Hey everybody, just got back from tomato-golem rebellion and I >>27566303
>>27566310It had to be done. Lowered cost of leeks would have led to everyone wanting potato soup with bacon and leeks, driving up demand for bacon and potatoes. Which in turn would have increased prices and led to another decrease of our sacred bacon ration. It was a terrible choice to make, and it will keep me up at night.
>>27566303Look I'd have taken the herbomancer title is Clorofylus the Herbomancer didn't trademark the title, i have to make due. And i told that kid that leeks was a stupid subject to specialize in, but he wouldn't heed my warnings.That said Jeffs tomatoes are to die for, once you taste them you can't deny he deserved his title.
>>27566313Abdul? Damn, bro, I haven't seen you in ages! How are things in Irem?
>>27566337Bonus points for the pun. But you're a chef, not a wizard.
>>27566313You're among wizards bro. You don't really have to hide yourself. Heck, half the people here did far worse than you. >>27566345Oh come on now you are fucking with me. There is a damn tomato wizard? Why not just call me Aghast the Uttercold Necromancer then!?
>>27566626I'm not gonna lie he's not exactly a big shot in herbomancer circles, but his flair for tomatoes is undeniable. A word of advice though, don't piss him off, tomatoes are poisonous. sure the LD50 is incredibly high, but it's one of my departments specialities to modify that.
>>27566672Well color me surprised. I am actually slightly scared by the herbomancer department now.Btw, I was wondering if you could suggest to me a good plant that could grow on a zombie.
>>27566755well fungi would be the logical goto, and would certainly have a lot of offensive uses through the toxins they harbor. but i suppose any obligate parasitic plant could be modified to work. Do you like mistletoe?
>>27566832To expand upon this many plants can grow on fungi, so if you have any specific needs we might be able to work something out, though it would certainly complicate things
>>27566832>>27566875Imagine agility enhanced tree climbing ghouls carrying highly toxic mistletoes!Or vanilla zombies with spore filled poisonous mushroom. Now, if we could make mushrooms that carry the undead plague, that would be perfect.
>>27566902Shouldn't be too hard. I've seen enchanted magical spores before.
>>27566902hmm. I'll get and apprentice working on some strains.>>27566951Enchanting a single plant is fairly simple, getting multiple to work together is a bit more tricky. But so far the suggestions sounds manageable, though we may have to find a substitute for the vanilla.
>>27566987Well, I could get you some exploding mushroom samples. Pretty sure they're magical.
>>27567014Now we're talking. Do you know what sets off the explosion?
>>27566987I open to cocoa or cherry instead of vanilla, but please no strawberry plants.
>>27567060Cocoa, there's an idea, it is very cooperative, and it might even have some synergies with the fungi!
>>27567155I am slightly surprised and possibly a bit aroused by the use of the word cooperative in this sentence.
>>27567245plants are living beings man, sometimes they are willing to help you along, sometimes they need to be... coerced...And again sometimes you can change the plant on the fundamental level. That's why the druids aren't usually that friendly with me.
>>27567369I suddenly have even more respect for herbomancer. Such disregard for nature is the mark of a true wizard.
>>27567464Oh you should hear the druids go on and on about respect for ecosystems and biological niche's. It's quite entertaining untill they send their animal companions at you.
I've just returned from a mission in the jadalth expanse and working with the Fighter's Guild, I feel that we could have some serious dosh if we make a deal with them again. I know that the last one went poorly but the new Guildmaster assured me that he would keep a tighter reign on these magical armaments, instead of just giving them to his higher ups, practically egging them into a coup. What say you, Accounting Department?
>>27567546well i for one am more than willing to sell them some weapons of biological warfare for the right price, as long as we can be assured they stay outside our borders.
>>27567546>>27567577How quaint. My doctoral thesis was about creating a powerful negative energy infused blizzard that is powered by the pain of its victim, thus creating a magic chain reaction.It does work very efficiently and agressively. Too bad last time it was used in a war it decimated both sides.
>>27567546Last time we loaned them out, gross procedural earnings on all non-Necromancer related activities were down to nil. And expenses related to repairs, delousing, and reconstruction were through the roof! Did you know that they returned a Murghuuu'ul's Maleficent Meteor-Blade with teethmarks in them? Teethmarks! In meteorite iron forged with the souls of a thousand slain foemen! Unbelievable!No, say I, it simply is not worth the time and effort, especially not to those ungrateful bastards.
>>27567056Seems to be triggered by proximity or trauma to a central free-flying fruiting body.... the effect is similar to a glyph of warding combined with a confusion spell, and leaves behind new mushrooms, which periodically create new floating fruits. I have to go in with Horrid Wilting or fireballs every few weeks, or whole levels of my tower complex get overrun by the damn things. It's worth keeping a few, just to watch stupid adventurers try poking the sporeballs and then wind up killing themselves.
>>27567653Well it's not exactly my area of expertise but as far as i know meteor metal, in spite of it's other great properties isn't all that hard. maybe we should make sure that whatever we lend them either can't be broken by mere mortals or it doesn't matter if it's hurt.Now i have some supergrowing fungi with deadly poison spores, or some superdraining vines that can completely empty their water supplies. does that sound like something they'd buy?
>>27567692I could see some issues growing these on non-intelligent undead, but i'd certainly like some samples so i can use them in future projects. I'll have to figure out a way to contain them, i have a few ideas, but we'll have to see. I have this apprentice who's always late, maybe i could get him to oversee it...
>>27567778I have good and bad news.Good news:That apprentice will never be late again.Bad news:You have one less apprentice.He tried to play fetch with my frost ghouls, you can imagine how it went down. Here, I reanimated him for you and made his head into a flower pot.
>>27567653I wasn't suggesting we give them anything from even the worst of our vaults, I was more suggesting that we get the enchanters to create a mass of mildly magical weapons and armors that, while effective, make them utterly inconsequential should they attack our lands. I know we, as wizards, have little to worry about but many of us have projects roaming the land that, if slayed, would be a headache or worse. We make them some decent quality crap, they use for a few decade and then they need more, we can charge them FAR more than it costs to make said items. Then when they come back in twenty years we tell them that "magic is waning betwixt the moon and seventh plane of golden snow" or some other bullshit they'll believe and charge them double. We do that for a few generations and then make it cheap again for awhile so they come back, and in 200 years we'll have made 10000x what we invested.
>>27567808Nothing of value was lost, a flowerpot was gained. Thanks!
>>27567810Magic weapons have tendency to linger around for generations. We might be able to sell them a bunch now, but that's not going to work all that well in the long term unless we keep making more powerful weapons for them. Although I have schematics for a machine that would be good for generating weapons made of astral plane; it just needs a few apprentices to watch over it and a steady stream of souls to power it, but neither of those should be a problem if there's a war going on.
>>27567810Ohhh that kind of magical weapon.And here I was thinking about mass destruction weapons. You know, I have a small idea. Ever heard of a soul beacon? It can infuse with magic power people attuned to it, including enchanting their arm and armor. We can easily restrict what type of power is available to the users. I have right here designed to infuse people with the power of frost, making them resistant to cold and enhance their arm and armor with frost magic.We could rent such a beacon to them and charge them yearly for maintenance.
>>27567577I'm sure that as long the weapons are simple grenade-like device or projectiles of one sort or the other, they'd be more than happy to buy them. Especially if you can tailor them to only kill certain things, say an anti-ogre bomb or goblin-gas for exterminating those annoying little blighters.>>27567628They'd pay extremely well for that if you could make a way to only kill what you wanted to kill. I know they have a guy trying to cause a war in one of the eastern kingdoms and it'd be so much easier if he could just send a self-sustaining storm of death to their capital.
>>27567810While naturally I appreciate the low cunning your plan has, as well as your enthusiasm, are you sure you aren't setting your sights a bit low? Why stop at selling them magical items for a couple of generations? Why not create for them magical items that steal their very souls? Even the souls of such insufferable idiots fetch a pretty penny on the astral market, as I am sure the more erudite of us have found. If we are to make demands of our enchanters, why should we not make demands that have more lucrative returns?
>>27567916I'm sure they'd love that for the northern fronts that they currently have fighting the Ice Worms of the northern wastes. Though they do tend to get eaten as much as frozen to death, got anything for that?
>>27567972Well its a blizzard powered by pain that reanimate its victim as zombies. It can't distinguish between allied soldier and enemies.If you spawned it over their capital however, it would probably be safe for them, as long as they are not stupid enough to attack the city during said storm.>>27568008Nothing to prevent being eaten, but I have some nasty exploding parasites in my lab. When the soldier gets eaten, the worms go kaboom.
>>27568008We could make them explode on death. That way they would kill the beast that tries to eat them, or at least wound it and it would be simple enough to do.
>>27567995I'm all for it, I've studied war and combat magic mostly, so excuse my ignorance in the more ethereal arts of magic. Perhaps we could make them weapons that not only steal their souls the souls of their fallen foes as well? Then when they eventually believe the weapons to be cursed we tell them, that indeed they are! But by some Lich or the other that has caused us nothing but trouble then we equip them again for far more and send them to slay our enemy for us. They will literally be paying us to work for us, plus we'll get tons of souls out of the deal. That sound better to you?
>>27568034I like the way you think
>>27568033Will these parasites be horridly painful while still alive? Because I've heard of something like what you're talking about before and most men that were infected killed themselves within weeks. They would go for exploding on death, you know "heroes", always wanting to out with a bang! But they wouldn't go for living in eternal suffering.
>>27568057I propose a small-scale experiment, to test the validity of this proposal. If it goes well, we can devote more resources, but if not, our losses will be minimal. Surely you understand.
>>27568111Of course, as in war, you cannot always go all in, the gain is many times simply not worth the risk.
>>27568124Yep. mostly the bears. the wolves too sometimes. Also it's fair to mention that their divine powers can really bring down production costs when you can get them to work with you
>>27568097>Will these parasites be horridly painful while still alive?Not at all, actually, they horribly unbalance the host's hormone and make him foolhardy and almost immune to pain. Of course, its pretty bad in the long term, but soldiers with that parasite rarely live for very long.>>27568124Dire bears.Enlarged enraged dire bears.
>>27568097That why you make the parasites secrete an anesthetic.
>>27568124Druids did not create, nor do they manage bears. If you mean that they would attack us with bears then that's even sillier. I oversaw a battle against 12 adult red dragons and won with 400 peasants, 20 knights, a cliff and some boulders. Bears aren't a valid threat.
>>27568184Just... Just don't go there okay?*shudder*
>>27568172Can one be cured of the parasites should they survive the northern campaign? If they can be, then I'm sure they'd use them, since while most of them will die horrible deaths, the ones that live would like to keep living and it makes the guild look bad if they were the cause of it.
>>27568184>nor do they manage bearsYou obviously never had to deal with the bearocrats of the bearocracy. Druids do manage and direct bears.Pictured here is the epic druid spell "rain of dire bears".
>>27568199If you say so, I'm still not convinced. I don't advocate fighting between ourselves and the druids but that particular aspect of it doesn't trouble me greatly.
At times like you gotta think outside the box. What if we were to _kill_ the wind?
>>27568214That would be annoying and would require some heavy resources to counter, but it's not so hard. I don't want this war though so lets just put it to rest.
>>27561099We could just use a rock to hold the door shut.
Ugh... Sorry I'm late guys, Had a long night. What did I miss?
>>27568208Actually, the parasite cannot be removed without killing the host, but the hormonal effects should subside after a year or so. There may be some small secondary effects including nausea, diarrhea, gases, headaches, fit of laughter, clown porn fetish, hard stools, high heart rate, low heart rate, blue pee and death.The secondary effects can be negated by a cheap herbal remedy taken weekly.>>27568300The alchemy labs in the third tower exploded.
>>27568276I can get you a Basic Rock 2.04. Do you need additional features?
>>27568239The problem with that is there are AT LEAST 17 gods of various denominations that claim winds as their domain and have some control over them. Were we to wage war against all of them we would surely lose, also some of them are allied with us and wouldn't take kindly to such an act. I feel that we should try to strike a deal with them to make it windy somewhere else.I JUST HAD A GREAT IDEA! What if we got the wind gods to, instead of blowing our doors about, take that wind and instead blow it in the faces of the members of the Heroes Guild?! Those vain assholes love it when their capes blow in the wind! If it was always blowing in the wind I bet they'd pay out their manicured anuses!
>>27568312Seriously!? God damnit! Is my lab alright!? it was beneath the third tower
>>27564418But of course! My dad used to sell it at his store.They love it because it's spiked with cocane.
>>27568312So we can make even more money off of them by selling them this remedy right? If accounting is up for it, then I don't see why not!
>>27568313Well if we're going that route could you make it mossy?
>>27568316Maybe a wind re-direction tunnel? I got an old Model 3 in Lab 20, I trapped some apprentices in it for giving me lip, the smug assholes.
>>27568316Now you're talking about dealing with 17 orders of clerics. Dammit, you were supposed to suggest some easier solution!
>>27568330How should I know?Nobody get near your lab, ever. Last time I approached it, I woke up the next morning with half my internal organs exchanged for their demonic counterparts. Thank you again for that by the way.>>27568337Did I say weekly? I meant bi weekly remedy or rather daily remedy.
>>27568337>>27568316>>27568312Hey wizardy people, contrary to popular belief not everyone in the fighters guild has Int as their dump stat. We have rules specifically stating we're not allowed to make long term contracts with your guild, they have to be reviewed and re approved every ten years.
>>27568372I hope it's okay, and none of my experiments escaped...And you're very welcome. Are they working well for you?
>>27568341It'll be quite a job finding a compatible moss for the BR 2.04, it was always more of a bare-rock platform. I could probably attach one of the early lichen models though, if you don't mind the erosion glitches.
We certainly can.
>>27568380I have to ask: Is Guy your first name or are you just a guy from the fighter's guild?also>not everyone in the fighters guild has Int as their dump stat. Duh, most of you take charisma as their dump stat. Int is actually pretty useful for fighters.>>27568400They are working very well, thank you. The only problem is that its much harder to get drunk. It's a small price to pay for enhanced endurance and a laundry list of immunities.
>>27568400I forgot to ask, did one if your experiment involve some form of tentacled giant water bear?
Collapsing stars into a singular state is a bad idea. You do know that doing so may release unspeakable horrors into our world as the alignment of the stars acts as a lock. Not only that, but many rely on star charts for reference for travel at sea and in deserts.I'm no pansy ass druid, but one should not fuck with things they cannot understand.
>>27568460If you mean my tentacled giant DIRE water bear, then yes. Why do you ask?"
>>27568434I honestly am not sure anymore, I came over here once when that Alemancer guy was yelling loudly about free whisky and then suddenly I'm the Fighters Guild representative to you guys. Needless to say with all the magic getting thrown around I've had some adventures through some astral planes and may or may not have died a couple times. But to keep it simple, we'll say my name is actually Guy and leave it at that.
>>27568460When you say 'water bear', do you mean like the insect, or that _thing_ I found in the west courtyard. The one with a dolphin tail sewn to it.
>>27568362We don't talk to the clerics, we talk to the gods themselves, or we just find out which ones govern the area of our guild and talk to those few.
>>27566573I think he comes from elswhere.The Kingdom of Disgust? Something like that. They've got all sorts of weird shit over there.
>>27568492I mean that thing pictured. There is about seven giant tentacled water bears near the third tower.>>27568473I am not sure if we are talking about the same water bears. Is it the thing with the dolphin tail?
Hello, I'm Magus Diurd and I'm from... someplace far away. Yes, yes, that'll do.I suggest we leave the starts just as they are!
>>27568521Yes it is. It was a bitch finding and capturing that dolphin alive. Again, why do you ask?
>>27568534I like the way Magus Diurd thinks!
>>27568521What? When I asked you about it, you told me that it was "definitely a mermaid"!
>>27568401Erosion is not a big concern of mine. Now if moss is generally a problem to attach to this kind of stone i could probably look into that myself. It shouldn't be that big an issue and i do so like moss.
>>27568534Oh, hey Diurd! I remember you from the Crusade of the Shining Carp! Remember that time we got wasted on scotch and kidnapped that kid? How are you raising him? As a goat farmer like we joked about?
>>27568467You're expecting idiots like Antruthius to actually think, rather than just sling a spell, I mean it's solved by a 3 gold strap of leather and something to hook it onto, a piton, a nail, something
>>27568557>>27568544Well it look like your dear dire water bear is out for a swim in courtyard. I advice catching it before the gastromancers decide to make the oddest surf and turf out of it.
>>27568586Given my title i have through some misunderstandings had quite a bit of contact with the cooking mages, i can inform you that they'd appreciate if people used the proper term culiomancers.
>>27563229>>27563263HEY.That's MY job.Go get your own arcane focus, you cheap time-keeping charlatans!
>>27568313I want it to be made out of starmetal.
>>27568612Seriously am I the only person who has any common sense in this guild?
Ugh. I never get told about these meetings until they're well underway.Or at all, it seems, in some cases. When did we decide to collapse all the stars of the sky into a tiny, dense sphere? There are some parts of the Tidal Planes that are close to our reality in those sections of space, and where the veil runs thinnest, every aqueous course on nearby terrestrial spheres could seize under the pressure of suddenly not having a massive gravity well to support their ocean movements. And I don't need to remind you boys what happened the LAST time we had a major disturbance in the Elemental Plane of Water; I caused that one, and I'll be damned if it didn't take me a week of constant hydrokinesis to recover the next continent over, and the angry elementals were the icing on the goddamn this-is-why-we-don't-get-invited-to-interguild-parties-anymore cake.I'm with the hippies on this one.I propose that we fit a thaumatically-charged deerscare on the door that'll automatically resist the wind on blustery days using just a little bit of water power. That'll have you.
>>27568633I'm not part of the guild, but I come here regularly and haven't died yet. Not sure if that means I have common sense or am more insane than the rest of you.
>>27568650You're a fighter, that means you automaticaaly have common sense, or you're incredibly insane, I'm going with common sense, but don't bother these faggots wont listen if it doesn't involve warping reality.
>>27568626Starmetal? You think the Engineering department has that kind of money? The roof of Corridor 4 is kept up entirely by an anti-gravity engine, that only works because we believe in it!>>27568559Now, I can get you some of the Moss Compatibility Environments, but they're only campatible with the sedimentary models, no support for igneus.
Fellow wizards, I am seeking funding for an expedition to the cursed jungles to the far east. It seems I have run out jam this morning and will be seeking a breakfast alternative. Involving the doors it has been said the land had once been settled by master wood carvers maybe something of use may also be found?
>>27568668The problem most of our colleagues have is that they experiment with extremely powerful magic every day and therefore believe it to be the solution to every problem, they are essentially disconnected to reality. Some to an extreme degree.
>>27568586Oh, he'll be fine. Snuggles may look harmless, but he really isn't.
>>27568637Hi Percy, how have you been? Your research turning up anything good?
>>27568707I take it you are not? Or at least a little less sense you're a War Wizard.
>>27568668I'm sorry, what was that? It sounds like an apprentice is volunteering for one of my experiments!
>>27568701Fucking eggs, I realize what Wahavwar waid is right, you guys have turned into complete morons, I mean Pelor's FUCKING light, how stupid to you have to fucking be to go out looking in the far eastern jungles for breakfast instead of making some gods be damned cakes made in a pan.You all really need a Power Word Kill shouted directly into your ears.
>>27568701I'd go with you but I just got back from a campaign and need a few months of vacation. On that note, are we still banned from the elemental plane of pleasure? I really like to spend my vacation there if I can.
>>27568650Fun thing, actually you died 43 times according to our books. Through a combination of amnesia and memory modifying spells, we managed to make you forget most of these deaths. We also enhanced you body before reanimating you.>>27568707You have no idea. Yesterday, my servant spilled misplaced my favorite cloak. So I killed him and then reanimated him. Oh god what have I become?>>27568711Like my little frost ghouls. Some of them kinda look like snowmen. How boy did that apprentice had a bad surprise.
Greetings, gentlemen. Pardon my tardiness, I heard the winds whisper to me they might be ended soon, something about all that mischief with opening and closing doors. So I just completed a circle that shall strip the planet of it's air, leaving us in a vacuum and unshackling the winds from their earthly bondage. They will now be free to explore the cosmos and we won't have to deal with this open/closing nonsense. But should you use a door, be aware it will take a bit of... Ah... Encouragement to open it properly.I would have consulted first but I know you gents get easily distracted and "if you want something done right..." and all that. Oh, also stay indoors, as that will be the only source of air until each of you can create some for yourself; I also took the time to collect each and every Bottle of Air on the plane, which will now cost 50,000 gold apiece.Thankfully, all the Druids are outdoors, so we won't have to worry about them in roughly 10 minutes, but I took the liberty of writing the locations of all their mead stores.Also, saw Crazy Abdul getting torn apart by shadows, I believe it was his girlfriend, but they were just having a tiff, I'm sure he'll be back and just fine once she's off her eldritch rag again. So what's the new topic? Exploding flaming undead tree parasites? Bully!
>>27568687Here's what you do. Take some bars of lead or whatever, use ilusions to make them look like gold.Then cast disguise self on yourself, teleport to someplace far away, and sell them for as much cash as you can get your hands on.Also, some lichen for the rock would be nice.
>>27568732Boy, if I were crazy most of your guild would have been killed when we fought the Bearsalisk, I'd dare say I'm one the most competent members of this guild.
>>27568701I can help you if you'll promise to test drive my astral wagons. They should be able to take you there in only a few hours with no need to spend energy to teleportation. Sound fair enough?
>>27568786Bearalisk? I thought that thing was a Dire Half-Taresque Owlbear.
>>27568742Oh come on Lupa, I mean he's an apprentice I'm sure...ah never mind. Sorry buddy, you're on your own. >>27568762Honestly, I'm really not surprised. I mean, half the Fighters Guild thinks I'm partially insane and the other half are too stupid to notice. Am I still technically mortal? I mean there's guild paperwork for being alive longer than you're supposed to be and having a body that's not fully human. >>27568786I never said you weren't good sir. It's just I walked in on the tail end of your plan to turn the guild into some sort of money bag by giving us all parasites through weapons or something. >>27568812Lupa lets out to many creatures to keep track of, just let it go.
>>27568753throw a dagger at it like some kind of rouge.There always a need to explore and experiment. For all you know I can bring back something that'll be a bigger hit than bacon.
>>27568701If you can ensure bringing back some new plant species i can probably squeeze some money out of my department.
Also, I was feeling a might dry in the throat on my way in and I may have drank a water-bearsalisk. I hope no one was expecting to use that for components or anything. I think it may have been dead anyway.
>>27568812Thank fucking Boccob, someone with a little more sense is finally hear.>>27568839>Bigger than bacon.I invoke the conclave rule #32, and I quote, nothing is better than bacon, and demand that Marco be driven from the guild for violation of conclave rules.This is what happens when you fuck with a legimancer,,,
>>27568812Yes, the technical term, is Bearsalisk, it's a bit of a misnomer I know, I lost 30 men to it because of that. Goddamned bards, naming shit for how clever it sounds and not what it actually is.
>>27568724Not so bad, Lupa - not so bad. We got over the issue preventing transmogrification between immaterial golem types the other week, so trade with the Hoarfrost Dwarves should pick up once we get the caravan details out of the way. Also looking forward to our lunar expedition next week - my apprentices say that the ground on the other side of the portal will be cheese, but I figure that we'll be flooding it anywhat. It'll be good, or it'll be gouda.How's the old body doing, fellow?>>27568763We could either slap this fellow or retreat to the Hydromancy Department depthlair with Water-Breathing spells. Forever.Honestly, I don't want your sweat contaminating the conditions down there - I can't recall the last time any of you admitted to bathing. Can we get an aeromancer in here, please?
>>27568912Well, it did have those scales, and snake fangs, after all...
>>27568920Oh, it's doing great. Just replaced my skin last week with some elf skin. I swear, those assholes have smooth skin. Even the males.
>>27568830You may be slightly more than mortal, but not modified enough to not be considered fullt human. Lets just say that you are probably in the top 95 percentile of humans in physical attributes.>>27568912Bearsalisk may be a misnomer, but nothing compared to cuddlepuffs. Seriously, why did they call those eldritch horrors cuddlepuffs?
What did I miss?
>>27568920I motion for slapping, and stripping down to neonate level, and then bashing his head in with a hammer, in accordance with the Aeromancer-Transmuter treaty of 1213.
>>27568949and 'Bearsalisk Blues' was a great song, but it is completely inaccurate to the beast and his behavior, that song got people killed because it was the only source of information I had to go on, since everyone that saw it except the band was killed and they assured me it was all accurate. I had them liquidated for that and now I make a small royalty off all their music. Not so bad in the end besides the misinformation and deaths.
>>27568920Aha, a use for my air-producing machine at last! It's been a while since I got it runnin', but it should be up an' workin' fine. Jus' need 40 litres of water, an eldritch charm of Version 4 or higher, and the blood of a first-born son.
>>27568976>motioningYou're an apprentice, you don't have the right Or really any rights
>>27568920I've heard that before. Not that any if you would remember it, I was the only survivor. Well, and Than Sol, but seriously, a star that can't Eschew Materials? That's no way to get taken seriously around here.Your ocean might be getting torn into the sky, by the way. But we're safe here, indoors at the wizard's guild where none of you ever leave anyway, so I'd be amazed if anyone here noticed the difference.
>>27569034Speaking of which, I am out of toilet paper, got any apprentice I could use?
>>27569016Will the blood work if he is a weak disappointment to his father and lives with his drow girlfriend making perfume for cats in the underdark? Or does it have to be a decent son? Also, does that mean no more wind? Is our problem solved?
>>27569048Curse still prevents me from trusting any of you fuckers with my group, who I don't let near this damnable guildhall
>>27569048I've got 3 dead ones if you want them for anything, though only one them signed the soul release forms upon entrance, so I guess you can only use the 2 of them as sentient constructs and the other as a non sentient asswiper if you like.
>>27569034Apprentice Legiomancer you fuckwit, meaning I'm considered a normal goddamn member, considering it's a title which means we're all apprentices before the law, as spell out in plain black and white fucking language in the Treaty of the Gods and Men.
>>27569051The Wind problem is currently solving itself. You see, Zephyr and the others were just throwing a tantrum, so I thought letting them romp about the neighborhood planets for a bit may calm them down. Just had to remove the atmosphere and done. No fuss, no muss.What?
>>27568957Hm. I'd pet you, but that would be above this month's weird quota. Mind the way the light catches you - you're sparkling a bit.>>27568976>>27569034Also - probably a little much. Some of our more venerable wizards nearly destroy the world twice on the way to these meetings.>>27569016>>27569051I have an eyetooth of a blind giant cave newt you could use as a spell component. Gallons of water available on request.>>27569044Listen here, you - I MADE some of those coastlines! I'm out there on a regular basis for research purposes; I'm wearing a pair of practical short-trousers under this robe, ferchrissake. There's more than principle in aid of keeping the air on the sphere-damn-it-how-could-you-be-this-stupid?
>>27568830The idea is they explode when the dire bearalisk eats you.
>>27569091Legiomancer or not, what difference does it make? Devils are better and cheaper than legiomancers, anyway.
>>27569119Yeah, that's my only downside to having elf skin... Oh well, I can live with it for a while.
>>27569051Yeah, sure, yer blood'll work just as well as any other first-born son's. If you'd just come to the lab, I'll boot up Mr. Blood Extractor 3.4. It might... uh... "tingle" a little.
>>27569091We're mages dude.Laws are seen as challenges and having apprentice in your title means you're worth fuckall and are expendable unless you happen to be assigned to my cursed ass.>>27569119Most of us try to limit ourselves to merely killing the guards posted outside the door
>>27567778I'll gladly trade some for a few killer plants. I need to spruce up my dungeon.
>>27569144Oh crap this is soft. That skin must be really comfortable to wear.I wonder what succubus skin would feel like.
>>27567778Sorry, had to kill an adventuring party... tenacious fuckers.I'll gladly trade some for a few killer plants. I need to spruce up my dungeon.
>>27569146I was talking about my son not myself, the little ingrate does everything to piss me off and shit all over our family name, he needs to learn a little humility but I don't wanna kill him, he's still my son. So I could just have him violently abducted tonight and brought to your lab.
Hey guys, sorry I'm late again. I brought cake.I think it's cake? It's some kind of fourth dimensional pastry, and it's got layers. Anyways, what'd I miss?
>>27569173Very smooth as well. almost too smooth.
>>27569157sure, what can i tempt you with? stranglebriar? Venus Man-Traps? Mandragoras?
>>27569180There are five of us standing around Lupa, gently rubbing his arm.
>>27569193Oh, hey Lupa. I was jaunting through time the other day and I found this thing a couple of fourth dimensional organs and stuff. They're in the "Oh god don't come in here" vault, if you want them.
>>27569173Speaking from personal experience, I say that succubus skin is rather ironically, divine feeling.
I say stick to the original plan! what will the druids actually do about it? Summon beings of cosmic balance?We will simply fight inevitability itself!
>>27568899You certainly don't have much in the way of sense given how you keep badmouthing people who are both able and willing to eat your soul.>>27569091Awww, how cute. The apprentice just tried to cast glibness. Sorry, but a mere +30 to bluff doesn't cut it around here.
>>27569119That eye-tooth'll do jus' nicely. We're all set for water though, got some apprentices milking a water elemental in one a' the labs.
>>27569219Is that a good idea? I mean just, you guys told me to always stay away. >>27568958Thanks good necromancer, I appreciate your candor. Glad I don't have to fill out the forms, pain in the ass.
>>27569119Hmm, I see your point. But the coastlines will still be there! In fact, if you go now, you'll be able to pull all the components you wish from those tidal pools and the marine shelf without even getting wet! This is a grand opportunity for you.You should be thanking me. Would you like to buy a bottle of air for your journey?
>>27569227Interesting... I'll be sure to check those out later, if I have the time.
>>27569174I have a couple of very special undeads that may intrest you. Including shadow hands and living walls.>>27569219>hisWelp, I was happy to know you.>>27569193Do you think an incubus skin graft would help with my slight vampire problem? Three of these vampire fuckers tried to bite me last week.
>>27569219HIS!? I'll have you know I'm a woman, you insensitive prick!
>>27569255>>27569266I don't follow. What's the beard I'm seeing?
>>27569251Isn't that the point of grafting a time sac into yourself?>>27569255I'd suggest getting a garlic aftershave, it's way easier.
>>27569206Hey, Philipanos, could you make me like, an acorn of something that would, within a minute or so grow a fort? I just received a raven from one of the eastern lords and he wants to create a parameter around his nation of forts, the only problem is two sides of his nation are in the desert and bringing wood there is a huge hassle. He'd be willing to pay quite handsomely for them.
>>27569255I deal with vampires with a self enchantment I like to call Infernal bloodletting.Basically gives anything that draws blood on me with hostile intent a faceful of fire
>>27569275I don't have a beard, you asshole!
>>27569266I didn't think you believed in "gender", Lupa, considerin' what you sewed onto those apprentices a few months back...
>>27569235Unless the Druids have found some way of breathing grass, they probably won't be doing much of anything at the moment. Or anytime in this future.If you would still like to slay a few, I can dimdoor you to an alternate place that doesn't find itself in imminent Druid-genocide-by-lack-of-air.
>>27569275Illusion magic in this room make it look like everyone has a beard.>>27569277Thats the easy way out. I'd rather have skin that cannot be pierced.
>>27569303That was just an experiment. I prefer to stay a woman, thank you very much.
>>27569318You still have a dick according to some apprentices. Through it might be screw on.
>>27569332Apprentices are untrustworthy and you know it
>>27569332That's a strap on. completely different.
>>27569299>>27569303On closer inspection, I have discovered that your beard is actually the same colour as my beard. This is because it is not your beard; it is an unusually formed cross-section of my overhanging eyebrows.On a related note, I have just discovered that half the faculty is actually beardless. Gentlemen (and lady), I'm all for stomping on tradition if silly, but it's the one silly tradition I like - could we possibly revisit it, please?
>>27569317If you need it that bad, just turn all your skin into organic metal for a while or something.
>>27569283A fort would be difficult. a Big treehouse on the other hand i can do. just be sure to keep the acorn dry and not too cold.
>>27569135>Learns law directly from the heart of Mechanus.>Lol devils are better.Come back to me when you're a larva because you didn't get a legiomancer to read that contract and ensure that you get to keep your soul.>>27569151Blame fucking Primus and every single mage god deciding it would be a fun way to ensure we never got too much power for the goddamn apprentice thing.
>>27569361Just fold your eyebrows back over and we'll all grow beards.
>>27569375Those guys are bitches and everyone knows it. You're the only one who gives much of a fuck what they say.
>>27569355A flesh strap on? Say, could you make a Daelkyr flesh armor? I'd pay top gold for that. >>27569363No, metal and cold magic do not mix well together.
Air production from Mr Air Producin' Engine v.1.3 'as begun! Put your mouth next t' this pipe here an' take a breath! Ignore the smell, it's a complex business and I still 'ave nightmares...
>>27569401Maybe, if I have some extra test subjects lying around.
>>27569365How many men could this treehouse hold and could limbs be chopped off you further fortify it? How tall would it be and would it require watering and all that? Sorry for all the questions but he wants to know exactly what he's getting.
>>27569397>Laughing at divine ranksSeriously, we have deities that actually can walk the world, and have on occasion actually blown up archmages for being complete idiots, and can usually just make sure you'll be in an anti-magic shell for the rest of your life and you DON'T listen to them?
>>27569389The Practical Application Research Department aims to please. You want any temporal artifacts? I killed some kind of time nobility the other day and I'm having a hell of a time offloading them.>>27569401Fair enough, bone skin?
>>27569428Nailed it in one.
>>27569428God you're a pussy.Why are we letting him talk?
>>27569443I am not sure bone armor would work really well either. I really think demon skin would work better.
>>27569457Because I actually am the brains and know how to set off all the explosive runes secretly put on every single scroll.
>>27569422Well on how short notice do you need it? I'm sure if we worked on it there would be room for improvement. But at current moment i would say up to 20 men, entrance would be about 15 meters up, water requirements can be made redundant by magic enhancements. of course they could get several acorn and i could fabricate some vines, that could quickly form bridges between the individual trees.
>>27569487Seriously, who is his master? He has to be chastised for letting his apprentice talk like that to the real wizards.
>>27569521Don't bother. With that attitude he'll get himself blown up in no time.
>>27569474I think I might be able to hook you up with that. I'll make sure to steal an incubus for you next time I'm down plane. Actually, want a balor or something fun?>>27569521Where's Lupa, she always needs new experiments.
>>27569474I once fought a beast called the Xjkthbr (fucking jungle natives named it) which had skin so tough that writing explosive runes on it and activating them with maximum powered fireballs didn't hurt it noticeably. I have it's skin somewhere around here if you want it, I was going to make a suit or something our of it but it's really ugly. Looks a lot like vomit to be honest.
>>27569534No Balor, I want to still look human.Also, you should now that experimenting on other wizard is not allowed. Only apprentices and interns.
Alright, chaps, I saw you all got distracted again so I solved the flaming undead exploding parasite tree quandary. It was MUCH easier without all those Druids barking at me about the "perfect knowledge of nature" bollocks. The harder part was getting flames and explosions to occur without air. Go figure.So I might have sold off Lupa's beard to Crazy Abdul's girlfriend to help me fix the issue. She(?) thought the bearsalisks would make wonderful base material to transmute, and was correct! So the bearsalisks are still outside the guild, but mind the... Black fire... Wrapping their bodies now. Shouldn't be a problem if you don't get too close. They seem angry.Long story short, black fire-wrapped undead exploding parasite bearsalisks are roaming the grounds freely. I think I saw them ambling towards the greenhouses.
>>27569516He'd like them delivered within 20 months if that is possible, he'll pay a bonus for every month they arrive before 25 though.
>>27569562Nothing a little ploosh won't be able to handle. May have to bubble up the air a bit, though.
>>27569562>Long story short, black fire-wrapped undead exploding parasite bearsalisks are roaming the grounds freelySo, a normal friday?>>27569544Keep it. Throught if you could give me a sample, I may be able to clone it on a mass scale.
>>27569554I meant we give her that mouthy apprentice
>>27569554You want skin, huh? I can lend you one of the dragon-skin protection suits we use for dealing with fire ementals, if ya like. Good for a few thousan' degrees.
>>27569375Why get a legonomancer or a devil when you can just get a godsman? They come cheap, and they're the prime dictators of planiar law.
>>27569602I'll have one of my apprentices bring it to your quarters later. Wonderful stuff really, ugly as sin but some of the strongest stuff I've ever seen. Was the last of it's kind I'm afraid, so clone away!
>>27569567Oh with that kind of time frame the possibilities suddenly becomes a lot bigger. Let my apprentices do some tests and i'll get back to you, but tell your contact that it will be done. Tell him it might be costly though, oak is not exactly the cheapest or easiest material to work with, but for what he's needing nothing less will do. I might even be able to induce a modicum of petrification if all goes well.Also this is we want to be on good terms with the druids, i'm sure with the help of the druids i could have it gain steel like qualities. But then, we'll be tweaking with the fundamentals of what makes the oak work the way it does, so not much hope there.
>>27569592That might have worked... But I thought the whole "quenchable fire" was just a bit blasé and antiquated. So we just changed the nature of the fire, and it going out will no longer be a problem. A teensy-weensy side effect, though, I'm pretty sure the classic "orange" fire will also slowly be consumed by the new fires. Which will bind to any plants they touch, thus towards the greenhouses. Which...Yup, they're gone. Just a swirling mass anymore.TL:DR, black is the new orange.
>>27569668Really?How vulnerable was it to enchantments?I think plane shift could get us a nice army.
>>27569668Vomit-coloured and hard-wearing? Sounds like a suit to wear at parties I don't want to hang around at.On a related note - where are the mini-pizzas?
>>27569659Just get yourself a Law Engine, then you can churn fresh, new law into the universe from the comfort of your lab. We use them all the time at engineering.
What an unholy mess? What did you do to the meeting room?
>>27569713I'm afraid the accounting department cut back on snacks at these meetings. They even vetoed the candied badger snouts i like so much.
>>27569700>with the help of the DruidsYou're clearly not listening. The Druids have been without breath for at least the last 20 minutes. There aren't anymore.On a mildly related note, I do believe the woods should be full of large quantities of freshly deceased corpses, should any fellows of the necromancy school be in need of base material.Don't forget your bottle of air.
>>27569700I'm sure he'll be pleased to hear this.>>27569710I'm not sure how easily it enchants, I never tried as it is not an area I excel in.
>>27569713We are out of mini-pizza sadly. Try the portal to the elemental plane of pizza perhap?>>27569710Already started cloning the stuff. My, my it is indeed very tough. That would be very useful to use as base material for a living suit of armor.>>27569770I don't think that whole vacuum thing worked. My lifesense didn't pick up a nigh amount of deaths in recent time.
>>27569757But mini-pizzas are a tradition that has been held for decades! Ever since the first recipe was recovered from the planar rift to that dimension with all the hollow metal birds and beetles, we've had them prepared - they're a third of the reason why I still come to these meetings!Flooding the accounting department. May be some time.
>>27569770Cherrywine stop fucking with us, I've been sitting next to the open window this entire time and it's a beautiful day outside, you didn't do shit, stop trying to push your over-investment into bottled air onto us and accept that it was a bad investment. Also, don't try and tell me this window is to a different plane, I can see my tower over there in the distance.
>>27569770THEY WHAT?! Come on! I've stressed time and time again how they are a valuable cooperative partner to my department and greatly reduced production costs! Curse you, do we have any healers? Or clerics who can arrive on quick notice, i need some of these guys revived!You really need to clear this with the other departments, there is a reason we have these meetings, and i've been clearly against killing them from the start of this meeting - well all of them at least, some would be fine.wait NO AIR? THE PLANTS!!!
>>27569859>>27569871He's lying Philipanos, calm down! He just wants you to buy his bottled air for a ridiculous price because he has so much of it and no one wants it.
>>27569790I meant enchantments as in charm spells.I know a guy in the beastlands who can get us some nice extinct species on the cheap.
>>27569859I, ah... Wait.Wait.Do you see the bearsalisks?
>>27569921Wait, are you sure you got the right plane Cherrywine?
>>27569921No. No bearsalisks, flaming or otherwise. I'm pretty sure that if you did what you said you did then you fucked up and ruined a mirror plane, because everything is fine here.
>>27566573YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
>>27569902Merlin's beard i nearly soiled my robes there. Look if there's any more suggestions about erradicating the druids completely then go over it with accounting, they have on paper how many times i've had them help on projects, and they see what it does to the budget. I might suggest that any budget increases in my department as a result of messing with the druids is compensated from the responsible department.Furthermore i'm sure R&D would like to have a word with you if you kill the plants we have yet to obtain from the druids domain.
>>27569936It said Prime Material on the side of the package, that's where I set the... Rod... to...ABDUL, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!Either he stiffed me on those spell seeds or he trigged Lupa is beardless. This is why I stick to spells I can away with casting WITHOUT material components!But the vacuum spell was legit. I... I...Pardon me, gentlemen. I believe I have a small group of winds I need to strangle.
>>27570047As of three minutes ago, there is no accounting department.
>>27570005Look i hate to tell the plumber how to shit, but the correct title is culiomancer, i've said this before. Are you new here? Are you an apprentice trying to sound bigger than you actually are?
>>27570078It's back. You didn't fill the proper form, so the law engine reversed the damage.
>>27570078Pelor be damned! can we stop with the senseless killing until AFTER we have it cleared at the meeting?>>27570109Good. Thinking of it i could see the High Master placing some pretty strong protection spells on the department.
Found the problem, gentlemen!So no shit, there I was on a mountaintop, balls deep in a dryad, and I was so distracted I didn't see the rock giant who walked up and apparently took issue with me boning his wife. He knocked me on the head, left me for dead, and next thing I know, these wily winds had carried me off and brought me back to consciousness. I couldn't let a debt go unpaid, so I purchased this case of bottled air and began a circle for them to give them some "breathing room."They must have move a part of my circle or shifted a symbol slightly, but the spell did complete, as did the bearsalisk transmutation. The spell seeds were legit, thankfully Abdul was still angry at his Yug-sweetheart over a disagreement or she might have gotten up to all sorts of mischief. But the air is still here, and the bearsalisks are not, sooo... Good news and bad news.Good news is the winds should have calmed down by their laughter and the doors should no longer be a problem for now.Bad news is... Well, I hope you like black-fire bearsalisk parasite mushrooms on your elemental plane of pizza.Sorry.
>>27570266Defined as something that might have seemed as a good idea at the time to you, but not to the other departments. that is why we even bother to ahve these meetings after all. Besides, let's be honest if we as wizards can't even agree on whether or not it's a good idea, it's probably not.You can do whatever you want withing the interest of your own department, but once it begins to affect other departments you really need a clearance first.
>>27570330>black-fire bearsalisk parasite mushroomsDo i like it? Man you've given me research for at least a month. And by all means to help yourself with the pizza, i needed voluntary testsubjects to see the effects of ingestion anyway.
Should we continue in another thread? This one is well on its way to deletion.
>>27570155I pretty much killed the guards on my way in here for really no reason.I'm doubtful anyone here isn't just waiting for someone killable to show up
>>27570482You wanna kill people? Fine. Just make sure it's not the wrong people. Don't care too much if it's the right ones though.
>>27570429Agreed. The archivist has been contacted, the minutes are recorded, and I feel the wind picking up again.
>>27570609Not the archivists trying to get in the wizard meetings again!?Oh, those archivists.Btw, your name sounds like butt whisperer.
>>27570609New spell-thread here:>>27570675