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FEAR ENSURES LOYALTY.

"Do you even know what a fluffer is?"

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>>26786092

>>26786098
It was OOC, though. The player thought it was a mild, meaningless version of fucker, kinda like fricking, darn, geez and so on. The look on his face was priceless when I explained what it meant, and that he just called his GM (me) a cocksucker. We all just laughed at it though.

"GLITTERGOLD" (said akin to "DINKLEBERG")

"I throw him at him"

It never works

It never, ever works

'spacecrazies'

>>26786121
>Do you even know what a fluffer is
I don't know what a fluffer is. What is it?

>>26786168
It worked once in Dwarf Fortress!

Back when you could train dwarves to be superman tier though.

>>26786195
Google it. or Fluffer profession.

>>26786075
"So you're conceding?"

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"OMNISSIAH'S CLOCKWORK BALLS!"

"Ey gurl, were be da blaksmit at?"

This was followed by two natural 20s by the DM for throw anvil.

Guy got nocked down to -9, thankfully the rogue with insane amounts of UMD was right next to him with a wand of Cure Moderate.

Since then, that character has a phobia of female blacksmiths.

"Stop pissing off the angry magic hermaphrodite!"

"Is there anyway I can seduce the sex-addict?"

My Chaos terminator lord and my friends DE Archon appear to be in some kind of s/m relationship.

Every game, terminators and lord go toe-to-toe with archon and his incubi.

>have to challenge
>archon steps up
>black mace bites me / shadowfield deflects everything
>roll 3 1's for armour saves

Seriously, every time my lord just bends over and takes everything the archon has to give. He might tease a bit and it may take a round of combat or two for him to fall, but he will.

Termies always end up killing the lord+incubi, but seriously.

Nharguel. Stahp. You are a chaos lord. Stop being such a cocktease. Nharguel.

Stahp.

"Oh - my - god...emperor."
"I'M THE CAPTAIN OF THIS FUCKING SHIP"
"Do I hear mutiny? Cease all mutiny"
"The moment I need guidance from _you_, you'll know"

>>26786075

"I've got this" or "I'm trained in that, yeah."

He...he just never was.

Broke as shit Level 1 Wizard walks into town's healer to get cured of a disease he contracted. He's completely broke, tries to pay his bill with random junk he has in his backpack, rags, splintered wood and glass. The clerk gives him a level stare and asks him for money.

Wizard stands tall and proclaims, "Perhaps a demonstration of my power!". Flurishes his orb and casts...Ghost Sound. It was something minor like knocking.

Clerk is confused for a bit but then turns back to the Wizard and says, "You don't have any money do you?"

It's been almost a year since that happened. We still give him shit about it. Negotiations not going well? "Perhaps a demonstration of your power will persuade em, eh?". "Allow my good friend here to demonstrate his power."

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>>26786317
>Termies always end up killing the lord+incubi, but seriously.
>Nharguel. Stahp. You are a chaos lord. Stop being such a cocktease. Nharguel.
>Stahp.
Give him the Mark of Slaanesh, because he obviously likes to take it in the butt.

>Look, if I want your advice I'll... I won't want your advice.

>>26786075
"RAAAAAAAAAGH"
My dwarf barbarian upon successfully convincing bears he was a bear

"okay, so you guys settle for the night, put up tents and start cooking some food"
"after a while the food is ready and you're gathered around the campfire, with the cooking pot hanging above the flames"
"Okay, I'm gonna add a bit of magic salt"
"... you what"
"Yeah, magic salt!"
"gimme that *takes sheet from the player*"
player has written 'magic salt' into his inventory
"If you don't mind me asking, what does this magic salt do, and why should you have such a condiment?"
"It makes everything taste good"
"no"
"no what?"
"you don't have magic salt, eat your soup."

"Help its a bear!"
What my trip fighter said the second before he killed a bear whilst taking a piss.

"Pretty. What do we blow up first?"

"I roll to boogie."

"Wait, waaait, you vile heretiiiic! We challenge you to a ROCK OOOOOFF!"

"Try to be sociable!"
-Large half giant to wizard girl

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>>26786156
Are you, by any chance, one of those guys in pic related?

"I rub the finely ground stone in my face with great force"

>Talking with a muslim
>Don't worry I know their speak
>Yeah?
>yeah
>DERKA DERKA MOHAMMED JIHAD DURKA DURKA

>>26786553

No, however it's been 5 years since I started my dinasty of gnomes characters.
Every single one of them is related to the other, and everyone is as flamboyant as possible

>>26786195
It's a person who performs off-screen fellatio during porn shoots.

>Playing a bandit leader
>Robbing a caravan
>Old woman comes up with a basket of food
>Look horrified
"What do you think I am, a monster?"

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Obligatory

"It puts the bearcub in the basket or it gets the mallet again,"

"Dont worry guys il open the door!
Did the new guy just die to a door?"

Moutain lion?

"You know the thing I hate the most about burning dead kobolds, man? The constant erection it gives me. I mean, here I am throwing this 70lb little lizards screaming into a roaring fire while they shriek out in pain and for some god damned reason I am sporting the biggest chud I have ever had."

"That's disturbing."

"Your telling me?! I don't even like kobolds. They stink of shit and smell even worse when they are up in flames. They smell what I imagine rotting dreams or crushed hope to smell like. They are hideous in every way, but I don't know why my little fighter won't stop standing at attention. I leave work every day with blue balls. Maybe I should just fuck one of the little bastards and get it out my system."

>Throws another screaming kobold on the fire

"There has to be a better fuel source for this ship. One that doesn't make me horny as hell. So, do you think I should do it?"

"What? Fuck a kobold?"

"Yeah."

"Aren't they like loaded with disease and parasites and shit?"

"So? I trained as a cleric for a while. I should be... Oh my god! That's it!"

"What?"

"The reason I want to fuck a kobold is because their tiny frame and limited intelligence reminds me of a child. I think I might be a pedo, but for dragonborn children apparently."

"Aren't we all?"

>Continue throwing kobolds on the fire

>>26786620
Now can you explain what a fluffernutter is?

My party was attacked by assassins in an inn so that we wouldn't be able to interfere with the BBEG's plans for world domination. It was after a wild night of partying where the only 2 characters not fucked off of their heads were my neutral, bear riding monk and our lawful good paladin both of whom refrained from partying too hard (altough the she-bear that I rode around got fucked off Dwarf Mead). After subduing the assassin's and capturing their leader alive and torture him for information. The paladin objected on the grounds that it would be evil to torture anyone. Luckily for the rest of the party the paladin was both gullible and had an intelligence of 6. So the halfling rouge rolled to steal his helm of intelligence (which let him act like a normal character by boosting his intelligence to 13) and told him that there were more evildoers outside. The paladin whirled around and ran out the door shouting into the night "EVILDOER WHAT EVIL DO YOU DO".

>>26786520
>"Wait, waaait, you vile heretiiiic! We challenge you to a ROCK OOOOOFF!"

Making a Tenacious D reference in Dark Heresy? I fucking love you right now man.

>>26786654

Someone really wants to be the Tarantino of D&D, and doing a really shitty job at it.

>>26786654
12/10

>>26786381
So he had MSG?

>>26786676
i guess so, it was a runequest game and he was a gnome, so he addressed it only as magic salt.

fun times

GM: You where capture and torture for information.
She: Did I got rape?
GM: No.
She: Pucha (with a clear sad tone, "pucha" is a spanish expresion for "thats a shame" or "too bad" or a general feeling of disapointment of a giving situation)

Same player while playing Rogue Trader
"I summon some of the crew so they can rub sacraded oil all over my naked body before putting on my armour"

Same player "let me interrogate the heretic" before stripping down and interrogating him. The fact that she had devotional scars all over her body and pretty much torturing the herectic with a shock maul didn't make the situation any better.

Another game different player:
"¡¿Dime todo lo que sabes?!" then the NPC tells his social security number and other stuff, the players then proceeds to punch him and say "¡Lo util!" (Tell me everything you know?!, The useful things)

My group has a lot of "wait what?, what did you just say/do?"

>>26786711
pucha is only for argentinians

>Party member is drunk and tries an intimidate check to see if he can get some free gear from a blacksmith
>Rolls a 3

"If you don't shit, I'll shit on your shit with my shit, you shit."

>Blacksmith rolls a natural 1 in response

"WOAH! Take whatever you want please. Free of charge! I ain't scrapping Dwarf shit off my floor ever again."

"We're on Russian roads right? Doesn't that make this entire trip a battle?"
Followed by
"She's a foreigner, right? Doesn't that make every Russian an enemy?"
The fun of players trying to vaguely apply terms for adventure cards to work.

While using flour to detect the entrance on an invisible platform, after using it as a distraction in a battle a few scenes ago:

>I guess that's why they call it all-purpose flour

>>26786668
As soon as I read it I was like yep, tarantino. It wasn't too bad of a job though I thought.

>>26786723
and chileans. Because you wont drag me into a discussion about my own country and slangs.
Is not like South American slangs are a clusterfuck already in some places guagua is the bus while on others like chile is a baby

By the way Argentinian pasta is awesome your meat not so much.

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>>26786711
>Pucha

My negro, ¿de donde sos?

> I'd like to climb city hall.

In a game with a real-world setting, no less.

>>26786778
>argie meat
>not godtier
Sudaca por el amor de dios.

>>26786818
Hey I didn't like your meat, but I did love your pasta.

After I ate that cold rotting meat that you could slice with a fork, while a black girl in a french maid uniform did made the shit out my side salad in Chicago. Argentinian meat was not the same.

>>26786778
>By the way Argentinian pasta is awesome your meat not so much.

Wait, what? I'm not even argentinian, but their cow products are bloody delicious. Maybe you had poor luck; or >opinions, most likely

>>26786857
>Eating food in america
>not expecting shit
you're at fault negro.

From a Hunter: the Vigil game, where every character was Intelligence 1:

(after trying to smooth talk my way into a vampire's human trafficking organisation by saying I was looking for an escaped dog. They weren't having any of it). "WAIT, DID I SAY DOG, I MEANT FIRE. THERE'S A FIRE AND WE ALL NEED TO LEAVE"

(In response to a geiger counter going off in character's pocket.) " That's just my phone. WAIT, THAT'S NOT MY PHONE, IT'S MY GHOST-DETECTOR, AND IT SAYS YOU'RE EVIL, GHOST-MAN!"

(to a vampire's faithful ghoul) "You've been very helpful madam. STAY IN SCHOOl, KIDDO"
"I'm twenty-seven"
"...WINNERS DON'T DO DRUGS"

(and finally, after smooth talking our way into a suspect's house to search for evidence) "I COULDN'T FIND ANY EVIL KNIVES! WAIT, DID I SAY EVIL KNIVES, I MEANT TOILET PAPER."

"You need to reach deep into that hole and pull out whatever's inside... Hm, can I cast grease on his arm to make it easier?"

>>26786874
Not sure if being insulted or just expected Argentinian reaction when someone does not praise their country in every single aspect.

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>>26786778

Bra, I'm a veggie, and even I know that argentinian meat is godtier

>>26786914
>After I ate that cold rotting meat that you could slice with a fork, while a black girl in a french maid uniform did made the shit out my side salad in Chicago. Argentinian meat was not the same.
>chicago
>Not USA
>USA
>Not shit food
I'm not even argentinian.

>>26786947
I'm under the impression everyone thinks USA has only shitty cheeseburgers and crappy meals.

>>26786657
Peanut Butter and Marshmallow spread(a.k.a. Fluff) in a sandwich.
Also, Delicious.

>>26786983
I don't think that, but it certainly has a reputation/stereotype, the same way the UK has a rep of terrible food, and canadians feed almost exclusively on poutine, Tim Horton's and maple syrup

>>26786983

nah, you make a decent pizza. And this is coming from an italian

'*sluuuurrrp*....probably ancients'

we cracked up for the rest of the session.

>>26787010
hahah, I can imagine, atleast it sounds funny.

>>26787008
Places with th better pizzas in the world, in no particular order: New York, Chicago, São Paulo. The rest can go cry in a corner.

>>26787067
>confirmed for american and retard

>>26787008
Chilean pizza? Really? It sucks so hard that even that shady German pizza shop in Germany was good. Or do you mean Argentinian pizza? Because that one is really good.

I stay my point Argentinian meat is highly overrated, is not bad meat it is good meat, but is just that good meat, above average.

Check republic has a very good pig. And cheap food, all though I went there years ago when they still had crowns.

"Hey, you are a wizard, right? would you like to take a look in my spellbook?"

but alas, the merchant's spellbook was full of explosive runes.

Now he is a recurring NPC, and we live in terror.

"What am I going to do with a DODO?"

>>26787067

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You know, outside 'murica there are actually other places

>>26787099
>americanos
>knowing shit about food
everytime I see an american talking about food is like seeing a politicial talking about honestity.

>>26787083
>best pig
>Not spain

>>26787008
Heh, oh man, I remember the first time I had an American pizza. Now, you have to remember that I had no idea what I was getting into. I ordered a large, cheese pizza with extra cheese. It turns out that what I would consider a large pizza is actually only a medium over there, and when they do extra cheese they MEAN extra.
I ended up with a pizza that had a diameter about 5 or 6cm larger than the plate (and it was a big plate) with cheese 2cm thick. Needless to say I didn't need to worry about breakfast the next morning, that pizza was just as good cold as it was warm (and it was GOOD!)
Frankly, after that experience I had trouble going back to the pizzas back home.

>>26787083

was referring to USA

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>>26787083
>Check republic

Wow! How american!

>>26787067
Sir, I love the USA, but good lord the only good food I ever had in New York was a lame sub. Ironically one of the best fast food I had was this Arabic thing. Good heavens.

Chicago only has glorious meat, everything else is just bad.

USA food in my experience is either really bad or glorious and expensive, there is no middle ground.

While we're on the subject; Costco pizza is the best for doing parties, and especially for D&D. $10 for about ten slices of pizza and it's damn good.

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"Arrogance is the absolute worst trait, it's exactly why I hate Elves. " - /tg/

"HAHAHA AMERICANS THINKING THEY CAN TALK ABOUT FOOD, HOW CUTE. Come back when you're from a country that can cook like (my country)! " - /tg/

>>26786075
"Thar she blows! Run for the hills, the high ground is king!"

>>26787120
God damn auto correct. Hey it was called that way when I was last there. It has been years.

>>26787113
Never been to Spain so I can,t really say.


I think we can all agree that nothing goods comes from France

>>26787140
I'm not even American, and don't particularly like American food, I was just really enjoying the hypocrisy.

>>26787140
>>26787148
The word is 'inbred', btw. Samefagging really shouldn't be this obvious.

Party assassin steals my char's flask of mead, drinks it, gets wrecked, because it was POTENT shit.
Me: I BEEN SAVING THAT FOR FOUR DAMNED YEARS, YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Assassin: You've got a drinking problem.
Me: DAMNED RIGHT I DO, YOU TOOK MY DRINK!
-
An earlier game.
Assassin is searching in the tunnels beneath the capital city's arena for someone who ran past, is following guards who are chasing said person, passes them, tries to improvise a way to slow em down. knocking a chair into their path doesn't work, when she sees a slightly retarded man.
Assassin (OoC): I run up to him and try to get him to help
DM: He's not all there, might be retarded.
Assassin(OoC): Oookay...(IC)Hey, did you see the butterfly?
Slow Man: Budderfly?! I love da budderflies!
Assassin: Well, I saw one go that way(points in a direction perpendicular to her route.)(successful persuasion)
Slow Man: Yay! Budderfly!(Races off)
Assassin runs back to the guards.
Assassin: See that man?
Guards: Yes.
Assassin: Well he just touched me in a bad place. (Successful persuasion).
Guards chase after the man, who is coming back from down the hallway.
Slow Man: I CAUGHT THE BUDDERFLY!
Guard1: Aw jeez, this sick fuck's gloating about it...
Guard2: Come on, sicko, let's go.
Assassin: :3 (runs off)
Rest of Party: [Facepalming Intensifies]

>>26787142
>I think we can all agree that nothing goods comes from France
Agreed
>Wines
Spain does the same, but without having to sell your organs for it
>Desserts
Italy does them too, so does spain
>Snails and frogs
Spain does them too.
>Being faggots
Sweden does it better.

>>26787135
Who thinks anything bad about american food? Isnt english food garbage?

>>26787080
>>26787099

>Me
>American

Haha, no. I've spent maybe a whole day in US territory in my whole life while travelling. I just happened to eat great pizza while passing through those american cities, so my experience is a little more than biased, and probably worth the ink I wrote that in.

On the other hand, I've eaten a lot of São Paulo's pizzas yes, I'm brazilian, and never had a "okay" pizza there, let alone a bad one.

>>26787174
How does a São Paulo pizza differ from an American one?

>>26787156
Oh, you're the cat-boob-statue guy.

"Oh my god, Cletus... You can't just ask someone why they're grey..."

>>26787149
>hypocrisy
>it's the truth
American food is generally fucking shitty, or overly fucking expensive and just okay.
>>26787162
All anglofood tends to be bad, best food in englad is curry (which is from india) and tea (which is from india) and pubs, which are from ireland.

>>26787174
Have you ever been to italy or argentina?

>>26787159
I still laugh my ass off when I ask for the best wine they have (any country) and it is an over price shitty Chilean wine.

Wine here like in Argentina is very cheap and good. To the point that we can use bottle up wine for our daily cooking. While the same wine is an expensive thing in other places
Now can we all be friends and hate France

>>26787187
The hypocrisy is the arrogance surrounding it, not the fact whether it's true or not. Elves are actually superior to humans when it comes to their civilization but their arrogance is why /tg/ hates them. You notice the hypocrisy is being so arrogant about your people in this light.

>>26787178
The same way a pizza made in Germany differs from one made in India

>>26787192
Nope. I've eaten my fair share of argentinian meat, though.

>>26787135
What people were complaining about was the idea that three american cities make the best pizza in the world, despite, you know, it being Itallian, where they've had centuries to work on it.

It would be like me claiming that Leeds does the best curry in the world, simply because I've had some pretty damn good Shampans there.

>>26787209
>eaten my fair share of Argentinian meat
Bow chicka bow wow

>>26787184
No, I'm the Ill-tempered Nord Bodyguard guy.
The cat-boob-statue guy is the Assassin's player.

>>26786121
"DID YOU JUST CALL YOUR DM A COCKSUCKER.....I'll let it slide this time because you didn't know, LOL."

>that DM

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>>26787241

>>26787067
New Haven brick oven pizza is where its at.

>>26787067
I think the best pizza I've ever had was at John's Pizzaria in Times Square. That stuff was amazing.

>>26787247
Actually it went more like this:

>We're wrapping up the session, and Player comments that nobody got damaged despite it being pretty combat heavy. I, GM, jokingly replies that he just raised the difficulty for next time by saying that.
>Player: "Haha, you fluffer!"
>I give him a confused look.
>Me: "Fluffer?"
>Player: "Yeah."
>Me: "Do you even know what a fluffer is?"
>Player: "Yeah, it's a mild swear."
>Me: "A fluffer is someone who sucks the dicks of male pornstars."
>Player is silent, but is obviously blushing.
>Me: "So you just literally called me a cocksucker. That's raising the difficulty another step."
>Everyone laughs.

It's all just friendly ribbing.

"Bird, shut up or I'll get a less perverted animal companion." - My Druid, upon his animal companion, a falcon hitting on our Paladin.

>>26787382
I imagined that as Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, working as a druid's companion, hitting on an armor-clad paladin, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

>>26787209
believe me, argentina and italy do have best pizzas.
Still, fucking up a pizza is seriously hard. It's the easy mode of food, I mean, you can fuck up a paella with ease, or you can fuck up a stew.
But it's virtually impossible to fuck up a pizza to the point of garbage.

>>26787427
And I will now be forced to imagine that every time we play.

>>26787382
>a bird and a paladin
How would that even work?

>>26787473
You're welcome

>>26787371
>now thats what i call a sticky situation

"This couldn't possibly get any worse. OH GOD SPIDERS ARE COMING OUT OF MY JUNK!"

>>26787506
At least he won't be able to complain about the game not being hard enough.

"I just got healed, so I'm conscious now, right? Where's the dragon?"

>"You're up, but with 1hp. The dragon's diving at you with claws outstretched."

"Do I have time to cast a spell?"

>"You would, if you weren't still silenced."

"Shit. Okay, I punch the dragon."

>"You what."

"Hey, natural 20. Rolling to confirm."

>"What."

"That's another natural 20. What's that mean?"

>"...it means you roll again."

"Holy shit, another 20. How much damage does that do?"

>DM rolling a die, followed by lengthy silence

>"...the dragon somehow fails its Fortitude save against Mortal Blow and is killed instantly when it slams headfirst into the sorceress' almighty fist, shattering its skull. She takes 16 damage from the impact and is dying again."

"Okay, I'll roll to stabilize. Uh... 20."

>"...there is a moment of silence, then the sorceress crawls out from under the dragon's corpse, drags herself out of the crater, stands up, and dusts herself off."

>>26787543
He might have problems with the length

>>26787553
That's still one of my favorites.

>>26787582
Only if he sucks badly

>>26787693
In that case he will have to work on the saft

>>26787707
Are you saying my GM style is dickish ?

>>26787736
>dick pun

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>>26787187
>tfw a proper British fry up for breakfast
>tfw delicious fish and chips
>tfw bangers and mash
Based Ainsley

Rolled 1

>>26787563

4 Nat 20s in a row in a situation like that?

That is some Grade A lucky as a fuck BULLSHIT right there.

>>26787187

Fun fact - the most popular curry in the world was actually invented in England.

The more you knooooooow.

>Game of Paranoia
>my friend is unfamiliar with "Communist" slang/dialog
>the party is fighting

"Hey, hey. Let's all get along. We're comrades, aren't we?"

>>26787803

Glico was invented by the nips, son. It's more popular now.

I don't know why but a guy in my Shadowrun group (talking back when 1st and 2nd editions were new) asked, in every social situation, "Are they impressed that I'm a rigger?"

30 years later, it STILL comes up if someone is using Diplomacy, Intimidate, Bluff and it isn't working out like they'd hoped, "But... Are they impressed that I'm a Paladin?"

To which, I usually respond, "No, but if you were a rigger, there would have been a parade."

Murderhobo credo in my games, "If we're not killing, we're not advancing."

>>26786204
in a recent game i put my dwarf in a room with wooden spear traps to train him...
he broke his ankles and bled out before i could get him to the medi-dorf ;_;

"Welcome to the team. Don't arrest the bear."

22:35 Dr. Nurse:
Quinn is of course more blatant about it. "We may or may not have liquefied her."

22:50 Askal:
"What."

22:54 Askal:
"I."

22:58 Askal:
"One hour."

22:04 Dr. Nurse:
"Maybe."

22:06 Askal:
"I left y'all alone ONE HOUR."

22:12 docprofessor:
"Still a possibility she's alive."

22:37 Askal:
"Yeah, thank spirits I didn't leave y'all TWO HOURS."

>Call of Cthulhu

"Look, I don't care what a Shub-Niggurath is, I said I'm going to punch it and I'm rolling to punch it right now."

>>26786520
"fuck... FUCK... FUUUUUUCK! my daemon contract prevents meeeee, from denying a ROCK-OFF CHALLEEEENGE, What~! are your terms, whats the ca~ha~hatch?"

-demon of slaanesh

>>26787881

I'm the dev-il, I love Met-aaal~

"What the fuck is a portcullis?"

This was in response to an arrow (with a note attached) being shot at a player's foot. It read "meet me at the castle portcullis". After laughing about it, the DM had to fire a second arrow (with another note attached) that showed a map to the portcullis.

23:55 docprofessor:
"We put a krogan in a box with a 50% chance of poison gas leaking out."

23:10 docprofessor:
"So he is in a state of life AND death and neither at the same time."

23:27 docprofessor:
"But he is also 100% certainly angry."

23:53 Tokyothar Drift:
"I like those odds."

Same Shadowrun campaign as The Impressive Rigger (which went on for YEARS), team is being pursued by the corp they screwed over... As usual. They've decided to stay low except for the idiot who blew nearly all his money on a Luxury Lifestyle and refuses to let that money go to waste by not using it.

One player says they should have a code so if anyone's in trouble, they don't actually have to say they're in trouble. He says, "Never start a phone convo with 'Hoi, chummer.' unless you're in trouble."

Everyone agrees.

Mr. Luxury somehow convinces two players to come to a party in his high rise apartment. He really just wants SOMEONE to show off to. Doesn't know he's been tracked and the corp is only waiting for more than one of the runners to be in one place. During the party, a helicopter shows up and begins blasting with a minigun. The 3 of them are pinned. The mage (my gf at the time... Now my wife) gets on her phone to call the others who were nearby (including the impressive rigger who had drones to help). I'd actually separated the groups so the ones not at the high-rise had no clue what was going on.

She calls the guy who "invented" their danger code. "HOI CHUMMER!"

He says, "Hoi, chummer... What's up?" forgetting the code he invented just half an hour before.

"No! HOI CHUMMER HOI CHUMMER HOI CHUMMER!!!" she yells.

He finally gets it.

Again, 30 years later, whenever one player in my group needs to let someone else know that things have gotten seriously bad, it starts with, "Hoi chumme.."

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>>26787948

>Tokyothar Drift

These were the last words of my Barbarian.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RN-no1Ka7yU

>>26787962
His handle is Othar, after the girl genius character, but he changed it to a new pun about once a week.

"I fucking hate you people."
-My DM, in every session we have ever played

>The minotaur was made out of treasure.

It really was. After we killed it, it fell apart into piles of gold coins, chests, gems and other delights.

It was a pleasant surprise.

"Nazi is not a class, it's a sexual orientation."

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Rolled 5

>>26786338
>"Allow my good friend here to demonstrate his power."

>What's the DC for running on clouds again?

Mechwarrior campaign... Pc's are in a Star League research facility and being attacked. One player gets separated from the others and is badly wounded. Knows he's about to die. As the enemies close in (hoping tomtake him alive), he triggers the SRM 2 pack he was carrying on his back... And his death cry?

"I CAN'T TASTE THE JUUUUIIIIIICE!!!!"

Wtf???

Awesome scene though... Explosion rocked the whole facility, trapped several pc's in an elevator where a pitched battle ended up taking place...

>>26787897
check this riff its fucking TASTY!!

One of the guys in our group was playing an 18 INT character with the History skill trained. And when all you have is a hammer...
He had a habit of finding any excuse to make a History check. Pretty soon everyone was.
"Gosh, if only we knew the HISTORY behind this mountain trail."
"The black market agents are attacking! For the love of god, somebody review their history!"

>I tailor my robe into a pair of swim trunks

Alright, here is the riddle.
"I am thinking of the answer to the riddle, what is it?"

The Answer

I'm paraphrasing this

>Human and halfling PC's talking
>Halfling is urinating in the corner of the bar
>Human asks what he was doing
>Replies with "Just relieving myself in the corner real quick"
>Human asks why exactly
>Replies with "Just to feel the breeze on my nether region and to relieve myself"
>Human makes some sort of comment about his dick
>Replies with "Well I'm flattered you can see that from way up there when I'm way down here, sir"

>>26788115
Stealing this.

>>26788109

Beach wizard

>>26788033
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lR2GFrLdAkc

"I saw them! They're real! Please believe me!"

Fucker thought he saw a black guy in our 3.5 campaign. Silly player, in my fantasy world there are no black people.

>>26786075
>Can we please stop bickering like children and agree that the most reasonable course of action is to bust in guns blazing and slaughter every filthy carbon sack we see in an unstoppable orgy of blood and violence?

Said by a droid character in a Star Wars RPG.

>>26788150
Black people where boots?

>>26788067

>"The zombie horde lurches ever nearer the town."
>"Is it a particularly historic zombie horde?"
>"It will be if you don't cut this shit out."

>Dark Heresy
>Playing Techpriest
>Going to an Ork-infested planet
>Dropship shot down
>Rollan
>People are rolling badly, don't remember the exact numbers but someone was knocked out by dropping out of the gaping hole in the dropship and colliding with a tree on his way down
>People are breaking ribs and arms
>Rolled a fucking one
>Dropship crashes into the ground, people are knocked out, thrown around, etc. etc.
>I proceed to walk out of the dropship casually, dust off my robes and shout: "Fucking casuals!"

>>26788185
>Implying black people are like faeries
Ozzy what you did there.

>>26788185
*Wear, fuck me I'm up way too late.

>>26788226
Dio you really now?

>>26787802
Oh the irony

>>26788234
As clearly as a Rainbow in the Dark

>>26788270
Just as long as you don't break the Mob Rules.

One game I had with friends, we did a minor Pathfinder campaign. All you need to know for this is that I was a Human Rogue with a crossbow and a rapier.

>Come across a few orcs in need of being killed
>I climb up a tree and ready my crossbow
>fighting starts, can't make any of my shots because "hurr durr too far away"
>finally one comes close enough where I land hits
>third hit, roll 3 nat 1s
Suffice to say, I nearly killed myself (I was level 1), broke my crossbow, and almost staked one of my teammates.
This was responded to by our team leader with, "That? That thing you did? Please never do that again."

>Few in-game days later
>broken crossbow
>encounter more enemies
>fuck it, man mode rapier time
>flank and attack one with team leader
>18,20,20,19,18,19,20,17 in that order
The GM saw all of my rolls (7 crit success), and just said, "alright, so you stab the orc so hard in the back that it explodes into a violent display of gore. Roll to intimidate."
>20
And all the other orcs just kinda shat themselves and ran (or tried to, hurr durr barbarian teammate)

Mind you, this was all at level 1.

"I guess not everyone can handle the responsibility of Junior Raved Officer."

"This huge have of scalding Hot Fun starts coming towards you."

Paranoia is a fun game.

"Slaughters appears to have been partially turned into cake."

My rogue used to say ''epic dodge!'' whenever something attacked him.

It never worked.

"Then I guess you're just... rough terrain..."

>>26788345
*Raven
Well that was a spelling error.

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"HEY! YOU!

"FUCK YOU!"

This isn't that impressive by itself; but when you take into account that it was from a seventh-level wizard speaking to an elder dragon, and that the wizard survived that encounter (with a +2 rod, to boot), it gets lulzy.

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"Empy needs me to do work, dats why 'Quztor"

My Ogryn answering his Inquisitor's question of why he's the only one that has survived in his service.

>>26787005
As a Canadian... I must confess the Tim Horton's is disturbingly close to accurate for some people.

>player stabs a bad guy in the eye with a rapier
"See the point?"

>>26788427
I like it. Sometimes the simple things are good enough.

>party defeats a small horde of goblins
>"I roll to stretch"
>roll d20
>it's a 20
>"You stretch in a manner so comfortably that you do not seem to notice the pains in your back anymore. You recover 2 HP."

>>26788437
I know some people who go to Timmie's for breakfast and lunch every day. It's one of those stereotypes that's just... true.

>>26787005
Greasy, maybe, but terrible?. I don't know of a living soul who could look at a Full English in the morning and not feel hungry.

>>26788461
That was a fun game. It was a shitty campaign, but it was nice just being able to cut loose. There were a lot of good moments there...

Like, okay. Our party consisted of me--a chaotic good drunken nudist pyromaniac wizard ; our paladin, a joyless stick-in-the-mud; our cleric, who was a lawful good cleric of Pelor; and some girl who gave so few shits her character was actually named "Generic". I stress again, there was virtually no story behind this campaign beyond "and then combat encounters"; if only so you can understand the sort of things we got up to.

>Party just finished a drawn-out combat encounter where the final hit was my wizard jamming his fingers up a guy's nose and exploding his head
>The paladin takes offense
"The just god's eyes are fixed on you, barbarian! Cleric, stand with me!"
>The cleric (who I had saved from being trampled) proceeds to shrug, look the other way, and calmly intone:
"Pelor didn't see shit."

Then there was my game where the most boring player I've ever met in my life was DMing.
"All right, if I'm still out of view, I'd like to drop a grenade or two on them."
"Why? Just drop down, your sneak attack does more damage anyway."
"*sigh*"
That kind of boring. I made up a Charisma-based rogue with--if I may say so myself--a great backstory and personality, and all he wanted to do was dungeon crawl. Rest assured, I still had fun.
For example, the entrance guarded by a sphinx asking the riddle, "How is the world like a broken puzzle?" expecting the answer "Both are missing (peace/piece)".
"What kind of puzzle? There are lots of kinds of puzzle."
"Well, like, a jigsaw puzzle."
"What would happen if we were to guess wrong?"
"I'd destroy you."
"And what, we're supposed to just guess about what kind of puzzle you meant? What if we'd guessed wrong? You would have destroyed us because we couldn't read your mind and--hell, you've probably already disintegrated people who would have gotten the right answer if you'd given them all the information."
"Just answer the riddle."
"Why should I bother giving you the right answer when you didn't bother giving us the right question?"
At that point he probably realized those 36 ranks I'd put into Diplomacy weren't as useless as he'd thought.

One of the traits of that character (as long as there's a quotes thread up) is that every time someone asked how she'd lost her arm, she had a different answer.
"Cuticles. Reaaaally bad ones."
"I bet it on a bad hand in poker. I mean, I had a full house, but how could I have known that'd lose?"
"Got caught in a bear trap. I had to chew my way out. I, uh. Probably should have mentioned that after you paid me, huh?"
"It was a particularly rough arm wrestling match."
"Honestly, I'm not sure. I just woke up this way one morning and figured, 'eh'."

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One of the my players (playing an Arbites) wrote down this after he and the rest of the Inquisitorial group had a memorable gaming session:

"Recommendation for unit citation.
The Unit have been awarded the ancient order of Callahan, also known as the "turn in your" badge, for willfully Ignoring Orders on an unsubstantiated hunch, using deadly force without legal authority or due process, committing wanton destruction of property without regard for civilian safety, continuing pursuit outside jurisdictions and in doing so violating not only Lex Imperialis but also geographical, chronological, spatial and dimensional laws of nature, disregarding standing orders regulating the use of drugs and narcotics while on duty, consorting with xenos, kidnapping Imperial citizens, consorting with known witches and fulfilling the tenets of the Mission.

The citation is represented as a folding polykevlar case containing a copper shield with a stylized emperor's symbol. Around the shield ferropergamentum strips are wound, with the top bearing the ancient motto in high gothic stating "Verbera, non Verbis!" and the bottom in common "Victory needs no excuse!""

>>26786075
"My alignment is Catholic Evil"

"I reach out and touch the weird, iridescent alien blob we fished out of the monster's nest"

"Let's go right" "But I want to go left!" "Everyone is going right" "I'm going left anyways!" "On your own?" "On my own!"
And then he found six mummies and ran away back into the group as they were fighting six skeletons

"I take a picture of my smooth, pale, undead vampiric ass and send it to the Prince"

>>26788510
The cleric sounds like a cool guy.

>>26788699
Dude was a bro.

Them's was the days, right there.

"we elves spend thousand of years perfecting our fighting styles."
"oh yeah? We do it in five."

-Our elf losing an argument.

>>26788531
>she

AHAHA FAG

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>>26788744

>>26788759

Girls are pretty poopy, bro.

>>26788759

I want to be a daemonette after being bitten by a Slaneesh cleverly concealed as piranha too.

>"You'll be goblin, alright. GOBLIN MY DICK"

>Player 1: "I'm rolling to seduce."
>DM: "I guess that's a charisma check?"
>Player 2: "I cast enlarge! Does that give him any bonuses?"
>DM: "I..."
>Player 3: "I cast grease."

We had a great "it makes sense in context" sentence the other day.

"Why would anybody build a giant killer golem from a car wash?"

>>26788483
I'm sad because I live near the busiest Tim Hortons. Every morning, a line nearly around the block.

>>26789011
Finally someone spells their name right. That's been bugging me this entire time.

>OH GOD MY DICK! IT'S FULL OF SPLINTERS!

After I cast Barkskin on myself in prison. Did you know it covers EVERY part of the body, including the anus?

>>26788741
Oh man, that's perfect.

>>26787563
If she took 16 damage and was at 1 hp then she's just dead, unless the -10 hp rule got houseruled.

"You each grab an arm and hold the lizardman fast. He is disarmed."
"Disarmed? Yo, Barbarian. Get over here. You take his legs and we can defeet him as well."

>>26788531
Wait, you were a rogue with one of her arms lopped off?

Were you a...

One armed bandit?

My character: BURN IT OFF! BURN IT OFF!

Party Druid: With what? With what!

FLAMING SPHERE! FLAMING SPHERE YOU STUPID TWIT!

>>My character had just touched some kind of slime that was slowly crawling up his hand devouring him alive. I panicked and came to the obvious conclusion. Once the sphere was finally cast I hugged it until the stuff was burned off.

>>26789234
>Ba-dum tish

>>26788793
o_0
What.

>>26789438
As a bard, I find it my duty to help my party whenever possible.

Our fighter is a big fan of "seduction rolls".

Rather than "fade to black" our DM has turned sexytime into hilarity using grapple rolls, fortitude saves against diseases, and allowing the use of spells. It's turned out to be pretty funny multiple times.

>>26789234
Well that's certainly not how I would describe her. Until now.
Thank you.

Face off against a demonic champion, who is infused with the corruption of chaos, as the GM made it abundantly clear. Even looking at the guy for too long will blacken your soul. During the standoff and battle our wizard enlarges himself to a height of about 15 meters. Then shit hits the fan, the wizard's lover dies and he loses it.

Wizard: "I grab the guy and bite his head off."
Blank stares.
Wizard: "I chew."
More blank stares.
Wizard: "Hey what? I'm not gonna swallow."

Memorable Quotes eh? Ok...

Warhammer 40k
After a 5-man squad (IIRC) of Death Company marines charge a hive tyrant - at least two years ago - and fought at the same time to due the upgraded initiatives they kill each other. As the last marine is mortally wounded, he rises up and buries his chainsword into the tyrants skull with an almighty roar - which some say killed the beast - he yells:
>"Horus you bastard, I'm gonna getcha!"
Then he falls silent, hand still grasping the chainsword.

Fallout PnP
After deciding not to pay the two "Brothel" owners the party gets into a gunfight; which lasts one round since they focus fire on the gun-armed pimp. The Super Mutant punches the madame onto the floor, then the Exiled Eastern BoS Member walks up to her and converses.
>"Why are you doing this?"
>"You ripped us off."
>"...."
>"Wakka Wakka mutherfarka."
Character executes the madame. Party leaves brothel; not releasing prostitutes.

Pathfinder
Party composed of Goblin, Half-Orc, Dhampir, Aasimar, and Samsaran. Goblins player had to leave to get the food, so I took over for him GM. They go to search a defeated enemy and find nothing. Goblin was the searcher and he pipes up:
>"Oi! Grotwitt bigger den him!"

1920s PI Noir with a hint of Cthulhu
Practically anytime the Scottish and Irish guys talk; they also have a go at each other In-Character.

Thats all I have off the top of my head.

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>Dragonborn Barbarian walks into store
>Sees other party members persuade alchemist shopkeeper to discount potions
>Walks up and says
"I WANT DISCOUNT"
>On what?
>POTIONS
>Which....Why would I..
>I ROLL INTIMIDATE AND BREATHE LIGHTNING

Needless to say, jail-time ensued.

>"He's not scared. Just stupid"
Said the Blackgaurd to the Rogue.

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>>26787978

A large young man, in reference to a woman who had been bothering my extremely low level (1 warrior[notevenfighter], essentially) PC since we entered the town.

"I heard you've been talking to NPC."
"Yes, actually, she's invited us to dinner with her family."
"Yeah. You're not gonna do that."
"I'm not?"
"Nope. See, I'm courting NPC. Understand?"
"Oh. I see. Well... Does she know?"

Had the snot beat out of me, but it sure was worth it. Eventually both of the NPCs wound up leaving us alone because this widow we were staying with had strong words with both of their families.

>>26788000
Are you one of my players, based trips?

"OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE I'M EATING FIRE" - Daemon trying to get at a Blank in Rogue Trader.

"By the flaming pubes of Pelor's wrinkly solar testicles!"

>>26786658
I am the Raven

No specific quotes, but IC, a player's Barbarian/Ranger(Yes, he took appropriate dips and the result was him being able to get so mad his arrows could pierce two men)

Basically he was some famous hunter (of both men and beasts) in a country over, and at one point, against our BBEG who was this Jaguar-Demon-Monster-thing in a big-ass forest. He was running around and we were sitting and waiting for him to appear.

He just started FREAKING OUT while going into rage, talking about how it's like fighting a wounded animal, even if he wasn't hurt yet, and how it's the most beautiful thrill of the hunt. He was very good at it, and the instant he finished, the BBEG appeared and he went "Shootin' him with my bow." Rolled nat 20, confirmed, and basically crippled him in the first attack.

"I know Anon is the Cylon, but I hate the President more then I hate the Cylons right now, so I'm going to help Anon throw the President in the brig."

Dark Heresy, end of the long campaing that concluded in the orbital bombardment of entire Hive City. One of the players, standing among the ruins "I have the weirdest boner".

Nuff said, that killed dark apocalyptic mood I carefully orchestrated.

>>26790814
I gotta remember that one.

The lyrics to Thinker from the Armored Core 4 OST.

It was a Psion who was fucking up a shitton of Mindflayers.

>Find something in a huge block of ice
>Thaw it out
>It's a chick
>As she wakes up and begins freaking out, stand up from the table
>Everyone stops and looks at me
>"Hon, I think you need to..."
>Remove glasses
>"...CHILL out."

>>26786728
Hahahahahaha oh my fuck that's amazing.

Dwarf/Beard Would play with for any game ever

okay, so we were going after this necromancer type, before we met our "real" bbeg who would plague us forever (a fucktard illusionist who had a penchant for driving people mad/leading them off cliffs/drowning people/basically every bad thing you can do with illusion) when it had nearly wiped out the entire party (We all did die, had to roll new characters, still) when the barbarian who we'd been arguing with over some moral quandry finally comes to the scene, expecting to save the day comes in. It was a really messy moment, everyone was dead/angry we were ready to just scrap the whole thing. The necromancer laughs at the barbarian, asks "What are YOU going to do then? Die like all the rest?"
The barbarian's a pretty bro guy, so to break the tension he responds with this:
"I think the question here is what are YOU gonna do, brother, when these twenty four inch pythons run wild all over this party?"

We all burst out laughing, and then the barbarian opened a mild can of whoopass. Even after getting hit with some necromatic debuffs, he still had greater cleave and made short work of the undead minions (and our corpses). It was a fun campaign, that really should've ended there, but on account of the barbarian's twenty four inch pythons, the campaign didn't stop.

>>26787114
We americans are gluttinous capitalist pigs and proud of it.

>>26787159
Arrogance?

No, the US has them beat.

>MY GUN'S BIGGER THAN YOURS!
>I don't even have a gun!
>THAT'S WHY MINE'S BIGGER!

BBEG fight, party murder-hobo yells at the top of his lungs "You're fucking DEAD!" before striking the final blow in a protracted grudge match. Something about the lack of composure, the absence of wit, the sheer disdain for the enemy... it was magic.

I played the barbarian with some friends in a campaign a few years ago.
> Ongvagr the short-tempered basically a fuckmad perma-drunk viking
>Masterwork half-plate has a built-in magically-refilling mead reservoir
>Backstory also makes this guy like best fucking buddies with dorfs
>instantly get along with my friend's rogue, the dorf "Dickpuncher"
>Fighting a white dragon
>Dragon keeps going for the sorcerer and the ranger, both players being munchkins TO ALL FUCK, max-ing damage on him
>Since he's distracted dickpuncher and I hatch a plan
>I run around the dragon and jump on, shadow of the colossus style
>Dragon notices and breathes a blast of cold at me
>Armor's mead reservoir has this sort of tap on the end of a tube
>while holding on I blast mead out of it at the cold blast
>"SORCERER!"
>the sorcerer sends a fireball at it
>Begin DBZ-struggle of who can push who with concentrated blasts of fuck you
>Dickpuncher calls out "ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF DRAGON BALL Z!"
>Punches the dragon in the junk
>natural 20
>The dwarf has punched into the dragon's ball bag
>Roll to grapple
>Pulls OUT one dragon testicle
>"Now that's what I call"
>Sorcerer summons a pair of sunglasses onto dickpuncher
>"Blue Balls"
>"YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" I scream as I slam one axe into the dragon's eye
Later
>"What should we do with the dragon"
>I say "Make sausages"
>"That's not a fitting ending"
>Drop the best viking proverb ever written "All things come to an end, except sausages, which come to two!"
And there was much rejoycing

>>26786075
"I can totally relate to your mouth problems."

>>26786075
"I RENDER HIM IN TWINE!"

>>26787114
>quantity has a quality all of its own

>What do you need 5 square feet of Canvas for?
"...It's the closest thing on the Equipment Table to a Towel, duh."

Won that argument!

>>26791972
Did you then proceed to make a statue of the guy using nothing but small pieces of rope?

>>26788212
Lol, reminds me of my Dark heresy party.

Arbite: I DON'T CAAAAAAAAARE WHAT THE NEGATIVE MODIFIER IS (it was a Very very difficult -40 modifier), I INTERROGATE THE ORK!
succeeds by a factor of 3, the ork tells us what little it knows before put bomb collars around each foot, each hand, and around it's neck, use rope to tie a backpack to it with demolition charges packed to the brim.

Arbite:"I intimidate it"

Again -40 test

Succeed by a factor one
DM: "what do you say"
Arbite:"RUN BACK TO YOUR WARBOSS LITTLE ORK!"

DM rolls behind a chart a few times and starts laughing

DM: "He takes you literally and is next to the warboss when his bombs go off."

Arbite: "all part of the plan boys!"

DM: roll deceive

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>>26791823
Screencapped this one for ya.

On the subject of pizza, go to Zachary's in Oakland if you're in the area. That place is legendary among locals, and for good reason. Best deep dish I've ever had.

OK, it was the only deep dish I've ever had. But it was fucking delicious. Expect a wait, though. They're pretty much always busy.

>>26792603
thanks guy!

>>26792767
Back when me and my friends played magic unlimited and we got all the out of date cards we had some pretty full on decks and some crazy shit battles

> I SWING YOU WITH A 7/4 FLYING SHEEP
>AHAHAHA, RIGHT INTO MY TRAP, MY WALL WITH 2 MACHETES EQUIPPED
>I EQUIP MY HANGLIDER TO MY WURM SEND MY FLYING WURM AT YOU

"Don't you have a silence spell?"

"Yeah. Its called Scimitar."

>>26786520

All of these are glorious

>>26786553

>throw glitter in his eyes

Every time.

"I throw all my whiskey (56 bottles) at the lich."

>>26787005

UK food isn't necessarily terrible, just... bland, usually. Not /necessarily/ a bad thing.

The Canada thing, though... Yeah. That, uh... Yeah.

>>26790885
Fuck you, you gay nigger from outer space

>>26787905

This is about 20 times funnier than it should be.

>>26786075
WHO IS THE BANANA MAN?!
You, sir. You're the banana man. You've always been the banana man.

>>26788447

elan.jpg

"If the demon wants one of my limbs can't I just give him a toe instead of an arm?"
(Pause)
DM: "Okay."

>>26788581

>catholic evil

But that's redundant.

>>26793341
Here we go.

"What does this thing d...*schlooorp-pop*"
Our rogue needs to learn to think before he acts. LIKE MAYBE I SHOULDN'T TOUCH THE ROTATING AND GLOWY PYRAMID CHOCK FULL OF CREATOR RACE WRITING!

Now we are trapped inside the pyramid and being chased by a megalomanical Tiefling warlock and his multitude of undead thralls.

>>26786897
>everyone intelligence 1
That sounds beautiful.

>>26793378
It's evil by it's own definition of evil.

All that 'fuck the banks' 'share with others' 'do as you would have done unto you' shizzle jesus said goes directly against what the church do.

>Aren't we going to kill him anyway?
Our Arch-Militant, responding loudly to subvocal vox comm during negotiations.

>How much is the free ferry?
The guy was a rather scatterbrained one at times.

Are we in the cave yet?

Ruuuuuuuuuuusty!

Both said by our wood elf Kithband Warrior.

>"I thought she was acting suspicious. It turns out she was just dead."

>>With a little bit of work, though, the sedan might be made into a convertible.
>By work, you mean chainsword. Guile obliges.

>>26789641
Just reminded me. Fallout PnP setting I was in once.
>Be Supermutant. Got into a bar fight or something.
>Guy talking shit.
"I think I've had about enough of you."
>Proceed to knock the guy on the ground.
>Screams bloody murder, "I'll fucking murder you green beast! You aren't human and you never will be you fucking filthy anim--"
>"DM, I roll to stomp him into the ground."
>"Roll for it."
>20
>Roll again,
>20
>".... One more time."
> 19
>"The rowdy citizen is shot straight into the floor, into what looks like a crater hole in the dark. Can't quite see in there as dust shoots up"

>"The bartender rushes in from the back, 'WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?'"

>party members at a loss for words, until one speaks up. "Sir I think our friend just slammed a troublemaker into your basement.."

"We don't HAVE a basement."

>"You do now."

Later went on to achieve a perk called the Basement Stomp.

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"Can we please stop throwing chocolate down (host)'s cleavage?"

"If he has love handles, then I'm a carry-on."

"It's not ribbed for her pleasure - it's barbed for yours."

"20 for ducking! Exploding duck! EXPLODING DUCK!"

"To Death - may we all one day suckle from his dry, bony teat."

"You enter the speakeasy and encounter Bill, the Rave Wizard."

"What is the size of the biggest hat that you have?"

"Dice & wine - infinite possibilities."

"Would you class pyrotechnics as luxury items?"

>"Make me a sandwich."
"Give me two pieces of bread and I'll spitroast you."

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>>26795238
>Bill, the Rave Wizard
He sounds like a cool dude.

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>>26788581
>>26793341
>>26793378

"Honey, these are my friends from my bachelor days. Please don't set on fire, eat, or mutate them." - The Party Fighter, shortly after accidentally making a dragon powerful enough to be akin to a god fall in love with him.

>>26795590
OK, you have me curious. Care to elaborate?

A recent campaign:

>Oleg to Command. We are active. Let the world tremble, for Cherno Alpha walks again.

>MY FISTS. THEY ARE MADE OF STEEL.

>The Codex Jaegericus names this maneuver "Steel Rain".

>I swear on my life, I will hug this motherfucker until he turns into Tang if I need to.

>OH YEAH. WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN JAEGERMANIA RUNS WILD OVER YOU

>The kaiju's penetrated our rear defenses!
>Oh myyy
>Who the fuck let George Takei into a drivesuit?

>Can anyone tell my why my copilot has an Ewok strapped to his crotch?
>Yub, yub, Commander.

>Playin ADnD
>a wizard and some others who don't matter
>levels 2-4
>Running through a castle after a failed attempt to steal a pretty sword (not at ALL a part of the campaign)
>wizard gets cornered
>casts blink
>reappears in an adjacent room where the prince was having fun-times with a half-orc peasant servant
>moment of silence
>wizard slowly moves his hand over his eyes
>"Don't mind me, I'll just...sit in a corner or..something."

>>26795649
Alright, our DM does things in an incredibly, incredibly complicated way which I am pretty sure is just his way of keeping some sort of psychosis in check. For example, would you expect someone to learn the basics of weather patterns and take account of magic to make weather as realistic as possible?

No?

That is our DM, except with this extending to every fucking thing that he thinks of. To that extent, a big part of this setting were these "gates" as they were. When you went in one, you rolled to pick out a general area of landing, and then again to determine exact co-ordinates within the area. Each one had its own table for possible locations.

The party was fighting against the BBEG, and had to escape from swarms of undead through one of these, and reunite later on, for the most part. Thing is, a few of them had bad locations to be dumped into. The lair of an ancient Dragon intended for background was one of them, it turns out.

So, our fighter gets dumped in there, and some old alarm mechanism wakes up the dragon to someone being near its hoard.

Since everyone even moderately important has some sort of dossier, according to the DM, they have a sort of personality, past, and likes/dislikes set in stone. After the dragon didn't kill the fighter immediately out of curiosity about why there was a lone human in her cave, the fighter, through a combo of insanely lucky rolls and "hitting every like on the head," as well as the dragon being lonely, it fell in love with the fighter.

That gem of a line showed up soon after, when the party managed to reunite based in a planned "meet up city". The BBEG didn't last long after that.

>>26796261
...Huh. Whatever I expected, it wasn't like this. That said, I am not disappointed in the slightest.

>>26796305
I have tons of tales from that oft-reused world, and I can share a few of them fin the thread, if it would help breathe life into it.

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"BY TYMORA'S GILDED TITS!"

>>26796430
By all means, go ahead.

>>26786075
"did I just stop the BBEG with a game of go fish?"

>>26796430
Please do, I love storytime.

"I'm taking that shark with me"

Said by my wizard after walking into the town hall of a desolate fishing village, and seeing a myriad of taxidermy sea life on the walls. The DM mentioned a sizable shark briefly, probably not intending for it to be of much importance. He did not anticipate that I would convince the half-orc to carry it out to our boat.

This shark was hollowed out for use as a smuggling container/sleeping chamber, and christened Arnold the Magnificent.

>>26796552
>>26796470
The DM, realizing how fucked up the campaign had become due to rolls, allowed the BBEG to be fucked up by the dragon, of course, but he decided that he was going to let our actions have major, major consequences. Since the dragon invalidated a fair amount of combat, he decided that he was going to pull a genre switch and make this all about dealing with the fallout of a barely controlled dragon-god-thing running around the scene and fucking shit up based off offenses to her orange-blue morality. The campaign then developed into the party cleaning up after the dragon. This included:

1. Killing off some of her "experiments" with mutating random creatures to see what happened.

2. Making sure that civilization didn't collapse due to something that was often described in mythology as a portent of the end times coming back.

3. The inevitable dragon shitstorm, with dragons from all over showing up and sending minions to advance their own status above the others to advance their status with something they see as a wonderful way to earn treasure and prestige.

Which would all of you want to hear about first?

>>26796941
Let's start with whichever is first chronologically or #1.

>Anon what do we do here you are the smart
BAAAAAH
>Shit i forgot you were a sheep

>Speculating on the best way to defeat an enemy
Me: Bullets always work!
DM: Well, not on bullet golems.

>In the first dungeon of our first session, before the tone of the campaign had been established
DM: You hear the baying of Nightmare Spiders

>>26797325
>You hear the baying of Nightmare Spiders
42/10, would scream forever

>>26797078

Please tell me there's a story attached to this. I need to know if it's funnier with or without context.

>>26797419
Bebiliths. Goddamn fucking... Bebiliths. Bebiliths everywhere.

I started off a one-on-one with the PC being born and raised in the Abyss. Lots of Bebilith just roaming the dusty glass-shard plains of eternal torment. I'm glad that we're out of that part of the great wheel for now.

>>26796974
Alright, so where the conventional end of the tale would be, with the villain dead and their forces defeated, the heroes were presented with an enigma. What would you do? The answer our party presented was "let the dragon take care of them". I end up using some undead minions to tie their asses up, and we leave them to the dragon to dispose of. Considering the whole "lonely" thing, we half expected to come back later after the celebrations to see them all tied up and having a teaparty with the dragon. That was not to be. Soon after, the dragon shows up at the inn we were celebrating in, in human form of course, to tell us that "we have a problem."

See, turns out she wanted some minions, and they were on hand. So, she was going to warp the shit out of them. She got part way through before they slipped away while she was distracted. I personally believe that this meant she was furiously masturbating to the fighter, but the rest of our group looked moderately uncomfortable when I brought this up OOC.

Anyhow, this meant that she asked us to find them so she could take care of them for us.

So, after sobering up next day, we set off. Our original plan goes down the drain right after we go into a old, buried section of the city on a rumor of odd creatures down there, and promptly get blocked off by a bunch of assholes sealing the entrance behind us, hoping to loot our bodies after the things killed us.

So, with no way out and no chance of support, we press on.

And the party rogue almost immediately gets caught in a sewer grate after investigating something that looked shiny down there that looked valuable. The "shiny" turned out to be a mutant wearing something shiny. Said shiny immediately proceeded to try and pull him in, leading to a fucked up game of tug-a-war.

>>26797624
This lasts until the fighter notices a pipe, grabs it, and jabs it through the mutant's non-blind eye. So, trapped, likely unmatched, and bereft of no support, we do what any sensible party would do. We pull the rogue out, that the grate fully off, and climb into the sewers ourselves, in hopes of finding our way out. We get lost for a whole fucking day in the sewers, not doing shit all except avoiding mutants by the width of a hair, until we emerge at exactly the same fucking spot we came in.

Luckily, the doors are open now due to the assholes coming in to find out bodies to loot.

We walk out the entrance, and lock the door behind us to give those assholes a taste of their own medicine.

We go back and find lady-boss-dragon, and she is not pleased at all. Most unfortunately, though, we don't remember the faces of those thieves/looters. Why? Her response is to turn the city into fucking ash to try and make sure she kills the ones who tried to kill her beloved.

Whoops.

Now, this leads into my second section, but I can go onto the third if /tg/ wishes so.

>>26797802
Second one since you said it leads into it.

I'm running a fantasy craft game for some friends and I do loot by a random generator online. After fighting off some velociraptors they got the following:
>a top hat
>bath robes
>a monocle
>an eyepatch
>a fancy suit
>arm bands
>belts
>a pair of shoes (my players heard parachutes)
>dick and balls in a disturbingly pristine condition
I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of reading out the loot because it was so damn funny some of the stuff they were getting.

>>26797802
Keept it chronological, bro, you're doing fine.

>after I had an adventurer NPC talk about how he needs the gold to pay for wizard-school tuition
"Aw man, now I'm gonna feel bad when we kill him for his share of the loot."

DM to the Half orc barbarian in the group:
>So let me get this straight, you want to throw the cage of whores at the were-pimps?
>Roll

>>26797902
Alright then.

So this, understandably leads into a bit of an issue with the surrounding kingdoms. However, a big part of the world-wide mythology that queen-dragon-bitch-of-the-year caused quite a bit of trauma during the world's formative years, because she found it rather fun. However, she apparently eventually grew out of that and went into a continual slumber, leading into the fighter finding her.

Another effect of this was that there was quite a bit of issues around her. Mainly, her presence were supposed to be a portent of the end times, because after all that fucking around led everyone to think that this would herald the start of other old creatures too. Granted, this also applied to the other creatures, that one would herald the rest, but she happened to be the one who showed up.

This leads into the word of her razing of the city among the few survivors spreading rather quickly, and shit spiraling from there as anarchy slowly spreads across the countries in close contact with the area. They thought the apocalypse was coming, and were reacting like the panicky idiots in movies.

The party goes out to try and stabilize the situation as best they can, at least with one kingdom.

So, the party get the dragon to magic them in the general area of the city, as her giving them a ride there would cause a massive issue with the situation, and screw over all chances of recovery. Of course, as we reach the gate, we are spotted and stopped by a gang of people taking advantage of the situation. The fighter rolls to intimidate and does poorly. The leader of the gang rolls and makes a critical failure.

>"I swear that if you don't let us through right now I'm going to piss in your oatmeal!"

His only response was to scream and run away, letting us sneak past the rest of his confused gang who now thought of their formerly badass leader as a wimp and letting us into the city.

Refugees from the planet refugee, pronounced re foo Ghee..
our missionary attempting to think fast with a charm roll..
he has yet to hear the end of it. whenever someone is somewhere they shouldn't be this is rolled out.

>>26798500
we also had the unfortunate business with Reginalds Regiment of Rapists and professional wrestling on the pleasure world of Bavarion, which is itself just a ball of pure alcohol, with huge distilleries floating around on it's surface. As consequence there is to be no naked flame on the planet.

>>26786620
Does it have to be fellatio? I thought it was just their job to get the 'actors' suitably 'prepared', and that they could do what they wanted to achieve such a state.

>>26798409
Getting into the city was only the first step, though. We get in, and people were rioting in the streets. However, we were adventurers, and they were not. The fighter lowered his shoulder and just smashed through everyone like a battering ram. The rest of us just jogged through behind him, jumping over the unfortunate people in his wake, and myself occasionally fucking someone up with a spell in such a horrific way that the rest of them in sight backed off. At one point we had to dodge flaming market carts from some asshole kicking them down a hill at us, and we later had to deal with the same shit, except his time he dumped a torrent of party supplies on us.

This translated to us being blinded and stumbling around for a few turns due to fucking glitter in our eyes, and then taking a few damage from tripping and falling down the hill, repeatedly. As we approached the castle we saw a pile of corpses propping the portcullis open, and we promptly left the same way we entered.

We weren't going to go into a castle that fucked up if it was clear that the situation was already far, far beyond salvaging.

So, the immediate area of the world went to shit and civilization was set back a couple thousand years and that area of the world became fantasy post-apocalyptic.

Then, the other dragons started showing up.