Rolled 18

>>26702524
>Walk through her

>>26702524
>>Make love to her "I got time for dat."

>>26702524
>Smack her off "I aint got time for dat."

>>26702524
>Smack her off "I aint got time for dat."
Bitch I am Ace Danger and I need to save the planet.

>>26702524
>make love to her

>>26702524
>make love to her
Because fuck earth

>>26702524
>Smack her off "I aint got time for dat."
No.

>>26702524
>Smack her off "I aint got time for dat."
Smack her real good.

>>26702632
On the ass

>>26702566
>>26702590
>>26702596

You lift your smacking hand to the sky, for a second you can hear the patriarchy supporting your just cause as you smack her to the ground with incredible force.

"Bitch, I aint got time for dat."

You put your large, masculine gun into its holster and turn your back to the two weeping women. You put on a pair of god damn sunglasses and kick down your own god damn door because of how little time you have. As you leave the two women swoon over your incredible baddassedness.

>+1 BADDASS POINT


You jump unto your black hurley and look up at the brown sky, watching as freaky ass aliens fly around, chased by jet planes. But whose chasing who?

ACTION
>Go to the spaceship in the most baddass way possible, killing as many people as you can on the way
>Go off of a jump and land on an alien ship
>Go and drink some GOD DAMN WHISKEY

>>26702724
>all of the above

>>26702724
>Go to the spaceship in the most baddass way possible, killing as many people as you can on the way
WHILE DRINKING WHISKEY

>>26702740
Also we need a kickass name like Bruce Camble or Duke Nukem

>>26702765
We're Ace Danger floob.

>>26702724
>Go to the spaceship in the most baddass way possible, killing as many people as you can on the way
Whiskey as well

>>26702779
Can our perverted brother be named Carlos Danger

>>26702740
>>26702742
GOD DAMN IT IF YOU ARENT DOING THIS DRUNK

You get on your motorcycle and rev your engine in the most baddass way possible, but you do so without looking like you are overcompensating. You blast off in the direction of Mikey's Pub, a bar you frequent. On the way you see a grieving mother holding the corpse of her dead husband, but you aint got time for dat. You shoot her in the head and then run her over, doing a baddass jump through a ring of fire.

You crash through the roof of Mikey's Pub and land on your regular bar stool.

"I NEED A DRINK MIKE. I'M DOIN SHIT."

"Y-Yes Mr. Danger."

Mikey stumbles over as he brings you a glass of whiskey, but that shit aint enough. You grab the whole god damn bottle and drink it down, savoring the baddass taste as your muscles flex as if they have a mind of their own. You slam the bottle down and break it into a million sharp pieces, which stick into your hand. But you aint got time for dat.

>+1 BADDASS POINT


Time to get to that god damn ship. You punch Mikey in the face before you cartwheel through a window and bust into a semitruck. You floor the accelerator and go off of a badass ramp and crash land right in front of the presidents house. Located right behind the president's house is the alien spaceship.

ACTION
>Go look for the president
>Burst into the alien spaceship without looking for the president, "We aint got time for dat."
>Other

>>26702898
>Go look for the president
YEA

>>26702898
>Go look for the president
HERO MODE ENGAGED BITCH

>>26702898
>burst into alien ship without looking for president we can become president later

>>26702923
>>26702943

President George W. Bush the VII is a good friend of yours, it would be god damn rude to not rescue his ass. And you aren't a god damn rude person. You jump out of the front of the semi truck and throw a grenade into the engine so that the aliens wont be able to use it against you.

You don't look at the explosion as you walk into the president's home. Cuz you're a god damn baddass.

>+1 BADDASS POINT
>YOUVE BECOME A LEVEL TWO BADASS


You kick down the president's door and pull out your huge sidearm. No aliens are killing your president today. Nobody hurts the red, white and blue.

SEARCH WHERE
>The basement
>Bedroom
>Bathroom

>>26703018
>bathroom
We need to check out the Oval Office

>>26702898
>Burst into spaceship. Who needs a president anyway.

>>26703018
>PICK A SKILL TREE TO INVEST IN

GUN-MANCY
>Summoning guns, grenades and ammo to help shoot the shit out of your god damn enemies! SHOOT THEIR SHIT

MUSCLES
>Get fucking ripped! Tear the heads off of your enemies! BITE THEIR GOD DAMN HEADS OFF

TAUNTING
>Flip your enemies off! Tell them you slept with their mothers! THEN SLEEP WITH THE

>>26703018
>bathroom
you probably need to take a piss anyways.

>>26703070
MUSCLES
>Get fucking ripped! Tear the heads off of your enemies! BITE THEIR GOD DAMN HEADS OFF

>>26703018
>Bathroom

>>26703070
If we take gun-many can we get a chainsaw for a hand

>>26703018
GUN-MANCY
>Summoning guns, grenades and ammo to help shoot the shit out of your god damn enemies! SHOOT THEIR SHIT
YEA

>>26703070
GUN-MANCY.

>>26703070
MUSCLES
We need to be "punch people in the face from ten feet away" kind of ripped

>>26703070
>GUN-MANCY

>>26703070
GUN-MANCY
>Summoning guns, grenades and ammo to help shoot the shit out of your god damn enemies! SHOOT THEIR SHIT

>>26703077
>>26703039
First things first, a baddass has always got to empty his bladder. You light an over-sized cuban cigar and kick down the door to the bathroom, only to see a slightly horrifying shock.

Some ugly ass alien is sitting on the toilet, reading the GOD DAMN NEW YORK TIMES!

His ugly green ass stairs at you for a second and you hear the sound of his alien shit hitting the toilet water. TIME FOR SOME GOD DAMN ACTION

ACTION
>Shoot him the god damn face, "I aint got time for dat"
>Be a fuckign gentleman and let him finish before you kill him
>Grab him and start wrestling

>>26703144
>>26703143
>>26703125
>>26703124
>>26703112

>YOU HAVE GAINED ONE LEVEL IN GUN-MANCY
>CONJURE SHOTGUN IS NOW UNLOCKED
>(Summon a baddass shotgun to fuck your enemies up with. Has eight god damn shells in it, but everytime you summon it it regains all its ammo. Cooldown is 3 turns)

>>26703167
>Grab him and start wrestling
Poowrastlin

>>26703167
>Shoot him the god damn face, "I aint got time for dat"
Alien is kil

>>26703167
BEAT HIM WITH OUR ENORMOUS COCK.

>>26703167
>let him finish
We are nothing if not noble

>>26703167
>Be a fucking gentleman
Gotta keep things classy in this establishment

>>26703167
>Be a fuckign gentleman and let him finish before you kill him

>>26703167
>Be a fuckign gentleman and let him finish before you kill him
remember, you're not fucking rude

>>26703199
>>26703201
You may be a god damn baddass mother fucker, but you're still a gentleman. You stare him down with your intensely rugged eyes as he continues to let go his alien shit.

"Do you have to watch?" The alien awkwardly says.

You don't respond, because silence is the best answer for every question.

He finishes pooping and gets out his laser blaster and points it directly at you. He smiles his ugly ass alien smile and his fuckin creepy tentacles start inching towards the trigger.

HE DIDNT EVEN WASH HIS GOD DAMN HANDS

ACTION
>Let him shoot you like a badass
>Take out your gun and shoot him
>Conjure shotgun and blast his ass back to Peru
>Punch him
>Other

>>26703288
>Conjure shotgun and blast his ass back to Peru

>>26703288
>other
Using the sheer force of your stare kill him and or make him your slave

>>26703288
>Let him shoot you like a badass
let him empty his goddamn clip at us, he's not even badass enough to have a name

>>26703288
>>Conjure shotgun and blast his ass back to Peru
Blow his hand off then slap his face with it.

>>26703288
>Conjure shotgun and blast his ass back to Peru
+
>Other
Produce shotgun from mouth and pull the trigger with your tongue.

>>26703288
>Punch him
and
>Other
Force him to wash his hands.

>>26703353
>>26703350
>>26703311
ROLL THE FUCKING 1D20

>>26703377
BONUS POINTS IF YOU CAN COME UP WITH A GOOD ONE LINER

Rolled 9

>>26703288
>Conjure shotgun and blast his ass back to Peru
>Beat the SHIT out of him with our INTENSELY MANLY MUSCLES

>>26703382
YOU SHOULD HAVE WIPED, YOU'RE GETTING SNIPED

Rolled 11

>>26703377
wash up, motherfucker

Rolled 2

>>26703382
How about some two ply bullets

I find this quest sexist with no strong female leads. Check your privelege male scum

Rolled 16

>>26703377
"Guess he couldn't keep his shit together."

Rolled 7

>>26703377
>>26703382
>Other
BEAT the SHIT out of the alien, rip his GODDAMN ARM off and BEAT HIM WITH IT, then flush and vacate the toilet and toss the arm to the nearest person, saying 'I'd give that a while if I were you.'

>>26703421
Ha ha ha ha

>>26703382
>Punch him in the face
"I'm going to beat you so hard, the shit will go back INTO you!"

>>26703432
(Same guy who rolled dice)
I know its fucking terrible.Probably could come up with a better one TBH.

Rolled 3

>>26703382
Push his head into the toilet.
"Am I gonna have to flush you twice!"

Rolled 7

>>26703461
Shit. Rolling.

>>26703409
"Wash up mother fucker." You say as you magically conjure up a large, pump action baddass shotgun with your pure baddassitude.

You blast the alien to kingdom fucking kong before he even has the chance to pull the trigger. His bloody guts splatter all over the presidents bathroom. You put on your gut splattered sunglasses.

"I guess he couldn't keep his shit together."

>+4 BADDASS POINTS


You walk out of the bathroom, only to see that the incredibly loud sound of your baddass magical shotgun has alerted a few alien scouts of your position. Three more ugly alien fuckers surround you, but these ones have some freaky ass alien assualt rifles. One of them winks at you. But you remain calm. You've seen some shit.

ACTION
>Blow a kiss at the faggy alien before blasting him with your shotgun
>Grab one and try to use him like a huge fucking club
>Jump through the ceiling and run
>Other

Rolled 7

>>26703489
''CAREFUL THERE. YOU'RE LOOKING A LITTLE...FLUSHED.''

Rolled 17

>>26703508
>Grab one and try to use him like a huge fucking club

>>26703508
>other
Wink back at the alien and then kick the others in there alien gonads

>>26703479
No I liked it.

>>26703508
>Other
Shoot one with the shotgun, impale him with the shotgun, use him as a human shield, shoot the others with the shotgun

Rolled 2

>>26703508
>Other
Kill them except the one that winked and make it your bitch

>>26703508
>Blow a kiss at the faggy alien before blasting him with your shotgun
>Grab him and try to use him like a huge fucking club

Rolled 16

>>26703508
>Grab one and try to use him like a huge fucking club
WELCOME TO THE CLUB, FUCKERS.
Rip shirt for effect.

>>26703575
>>26703567
>>26703561
>>26703544
>>26703534
I'LL COMBIINE ALL THIS SHIT
ROLL 3D20

>>26703612
ONE LINER ACHIEVED

Rolled 8, 18, 16 = 42

>>26703619

Rolled 8, 12, 14 = 34

>>26703619
Punch to the gonads go

Rolled 12, 6, 10 = 28

>>26703619

File: 1376874170828.png-(228 KB, 434x416, jackback.png)

228 KB PNG

>>26703626

Rolled 18, 16, 1 = 35

>>26703619

>>26703626
You blow a kiss at the alien who winked at you with his ugly ass alien eye. Normally you don't go for alien men, but you might make this one your bitch. Before any of the aliens have a chance to move, you leap behind your alien bitch and grab him by where you’d imagine his tiny alien balls are. No homo of course.

“You guys have some balls to take me on.”

You lift him in front of you as a meat shield, and you hear the sound of many alien bullets smacking into him. His body works well as a bullet deflecting device. You put your shotgun next to his head and fire past it, letting a blast tear apart the tallest alien. The fucker explodes into a billion slimy alien pieces, raining unto the other two aliens. Luckily, you have a shield to protect you from that nasty ass shit. You take the brief moment of surprise to lift the gay alien above your head and leap towards the final enemy.

“Welcome to the club, motherfucker.”

You slam the two aliens together, and hear a satisfying BADDASS crunch of alien bones! AND FOR GOOD MEASURE YOU FUCKING DO IT AGAIN

>+6 BADDASS RANK
>LEVEL 3 BADDASS FUCKING A-CHIEVED

Once the two remaining aliens are just slimy pools of gunk, you look at your watch. It’s two o’clock.

ACTION
>Go to the alien spaceship
>Keep looking for the president, you hear sounds from the basement
>Smoke a cigar
>Other

>>26703626
A winner is you!

File: 1376874595445.jpg-(65 KB, 500x500, nukefinger.jpg)

65 KB JPG

>>26703720

New OP picture for this thread

>>26703739
>Keep looking for the president, you hear sounds from the basement
We must save George Dubya Bush the Seventh.

>>26703739
>PICK A SKILL TREE TO INVEST IN

GUN-MANCY
>Summoning guns, grenades and ammo to help shoot the shit out of your god damn enemies! SHOOT THEIR SHIT

MUSCLES
>Get fucking ripped! Tear the heads off of your enemies! BITE THEIR GOD DAMN HEADS OFF

TAUNTING
>Flip your enemies off! Tell them you slept with their mothers! THEN SLEEP WITH THE


>>26703757
FUCKIN SAVED

>>26703739
Into the basement we go

>>26703739
>>Keep looking for the president, you hear sounds from the basement
>>Smoke a cigar
Why not both?

>>26703767
MUSCLES.

Rolled 1

>>26703739
>Keep looking for the president, you hear sounds from the basement
IN THE NAME OF FREEDOM.

>>26703767
INVEST IN MUSCLES, WE AREN'T MANLY ENOUGH YET.

>>26703739
>look for president in the basement

>>26703767
MUSCLES

If we want to become THE DUKE we'll have to level everything.

>>26703767
Muscles because fuck weakness

Rolled 11, 12, 14 = 37

>>26703739
>Smoke a cigar
We deserve a little relaxation.
>Keep looking for the president
It doesn't take too much effort, we can do it.

>>26703767
>MUSCLES

Is it appropriate if I have this playing in the background while reading this thread?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BD3VJGDqphM

Rolled 8

>>26703739
>Keep looking for the president, you hear sounds from the basement
>>26703767
MUSCLES!!!!

>>26703767
MUSCLES
We lift erryday

>>26703829
>tfw this thread is better than DNF

>>26703836
>>26703822
>>26703806
>>26703799
>>26703788
>>26703773

>YOU HAVE GAINED ONE LEVEL IN MUSCLES
>RAGE MODE UNLOCKED
>(Go fucking nuts on all enemies, and don't give a shit if you get shot. Melee and gun attacks can be used, but gun accuracy will be reduced. Damage goes through the fucking roof though. Cooldwon is five turns.)

>>26703882
Well that's not hard at all.

We need a few more levels of badassery before we become better than Duke 3d though. That was epic levels of badass.

>>26703829
I feel this may be more appropriate.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhnUgAaea4M

>>26703898

Aliens shmaliens. Nothing is more BADDASS then rescuing the president. NOTHING!

You put another chunky cuban cigar in your mouth an leisurely stroll down the halls of the president's home. He has many BADDASS pictures of you, doing baddass stunts and playing heavy metal guitar solos. He even has a picture of you when you put a space dragon in a headlock.

Eventually you get to the basement, and you kick the god damn door off its god damn hinges. When you look down, you see a sight most un-baddass.

George W. Bush the VII is tied up naked, and two aliens are whipping him, all dressed up in freaky black leather. This is the OPPOSITE OF BADDASS. THIS IS SOFTDICK

ACTION
>Burst in guns blazing
>Go fucking nuts on those aliens
>Other

>>26703913
Shoot them with my shot gun
Whisper zed's dead baby zed's dead

Rolled 2

>>26703913
RAGE AGAINST THE SOFTDICK

>>26703913
Go fucking nuts.
Beat these freaks to a pulp.

>>26703913
Kick the doorknob into an aliens head and watch it splatter.

>>26703913
>Burst in guns blazing
we are a bad enough dude to rescue the President

>>26703913
Go fucking nuts, and kick every alien nad up into their limpdick stomachs.

File: 1376875323861.jpg-(272 KB, 1680x1050, duke_nukem_forever_wallpa(...).jpg)

272 KB JPG

>>26703909
Dude, the Duke is America Fuck Yeah personified.

>>26703961
>>26703946
>>26703939
MELEE WINS
GO NUTS WITH RAGE?

PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE ASKED


BUTT FUCK IT! ROLL 2D20!!

ONE LINERS AS WELL

Rolled 9, 1, 13 = 23

>>26703913
>Other
You charge towards one alien and rip his head off, "Let's play ball!"
Then throw the head at the other alien.

Rolled 5

>>26703982
YOU DON'T GET TO MAKE THE PRESIDENT YOUR BITCH, SHITCUNTS.
ONLY I DO THAT.

Rolled 19, 12 = 31

>>26703982
Let's go with a classic:

I'LL RIP YOUR HEAD OF AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK

And make that statement true

Rolled 6, 18 = 24

>>26703982
While raging tear off one head, say "Let's play ball"
throw the head at the other alien, kill it, and say "You're out!"

Rolled 20, 8 = 28

>>26703982
Tackle an alien, then kick its towards the other one and watch it splatter.

TOUCHDOWN.

Rolled 19, 1 = 20

>>26703982
"What do you call a headless alien" rip of one of there heads "YOU!"

Rolled 4, 9 = 13

>>26703982
You're about to get WHIPPED!

>>26704012
You jump down the stairs like a crazy fucking howler monkey. You would know, you were the one who made the entire race of howler monkeys go EXTINCT.

Luckily these freaky as fuck aliens didn't see that shit coming, and are completely surprised as you land next to one and pin it to the floor. Face to face with one of those ugly sons o' bitches is tough, but you're a baddass so you DEAL WITH IT!

"What do you call an alien with no head?" You ask him in a baddass voice.

"Wha-"

Before he has time to respond, you tear his god damn head off with your bare hands! HIS NECK BLOOD SHOOTS ALL OVER THE ROOM AND YOU BECOME AROUSED! The other alien stares at you stunned as you spit on the writhign alien corpse on the floor.

"You."

You drop kick the alien head directly into the stomach of the other alien, creating a large gaping hole where the alien's intestines should have been. You light another cigar as you put on your sunglasses. The crowd goes wild.

"TOUCHDOWN!" The referee screams!

>+6 BADDASS POINTS


You untie the president and he shakes your hand.

"Thank you Ace Danger, if you hadn't come to my rescue these freaky aliens would have done some freaky stuff, that's for sure yo."

"No thanks necesary, just doing my job."

ACTION
>Attack alien ship
>Go home after a long days work
>Other

>>26704178
>attack the alien ship
We're not done being awesome yet.

>>26704178
Attack alien ship by crashing my motorcycle through the side

>>26704178
>Attack alien ship

>>26704178
jump out the president's office window and punch a hole in the goddamn ship

>>26704178
>attack alien ship
we still haven't finished welcoming them to Earf

>>26704178
Attack alien ship.

This isn't over yet, oh no.

These motherfuckers will wish they never came here.

>>26704178
>You have a ride to steal and pimp out. Crash into the ship and start redecorating it with alien guts.

>>26704264
>>26704254
>>26704215
>>26704212
>>26704199
Time to get rid of some god damn aliens. Nobody fucks with America and gets away with it. Not even aliens.

Once you’re done shaking hands with the president, you light up a sweet Cuban cigar and walk up the stairs towards the alien ship. When you get to the roof of the president’s house, you see that the gay alien shit (oh sorry I meant ship) is floating 100 feet above your location. You scan the area around you and find three ways you could get up unto the ship. One is a non-baddass helicopter. One is a grappling hook that someone just happened to leave on the president’s roof. The last thing you see is a bazooka.

ACTION
>Take the pussy way out and fly your helicopter
>Use the suspicious grappling hook
>FUCK SAFETY! FUCK LOGIC! ROCKET JUMP LIKE A GOD DAMN BADDASS
>Other

>>26704178
>Waltz in to that mothafuckin ship like you own the place, because you do now. It's on american land and so it belongs to america, which just so happens to be your middle name.

Rolled 10

>>26704178
>Other
Call on our collective reserves of badass and JUMP UP TO THAT MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE POWER OF AWESOME.

>>26704298
>fuck safety fuck logic rocket jump like a Godamn badass
Say "the rule of gravity is just a rule. And I break every rule!"

>>26704298
>Other

Yell at these motherfucking pussies to come out and face us like men.
When they land go in there and fuck their shit up.

>>26704298
>other
Grab the bazooka with one hand and use the other to grapple up.

>>26704298
FUCKING ROCKET JUMP SAFETY AND LEGS ARE FOR BITCHES

File: 1376876472891.jpg-(66 KB, 634x342, Torgue face when.jpg)

66 KB JPG

>>26704298
EXPLODE OUR WAY TO IT.

>>26704298
>Use the suspicious grappling hook

>>26704329
I support this.

>>26704298
>Other
Grab the bazooka, and use it to shoot down the ship. It should come to us to be beaten to a pulp.

>>26704298
Attach bazooka trigger to string.
Start running.
Pull string.
Jump onto bazooka rocket. Ride it.
Jump off before it hits the deck and walk out of the explosion.

THERE A TIE
VOTE FOR A NUMBER BETWEEN THESE TWO
ONLY POST ONE GOD DAMN NUMBER YOU RETARDS

Rocket jump
Vote: 1

Use grappling hook
Vote: 5

>>26704413
1

>>26704413
15

>>26704413
1

>>26704413
5

Rolled 1

>>26704413
1 ROCKET JUMP.
TO GO, MOTHERFUCKERS.

>>26704413
1 BITCH

>>26704433
DIPSHIT.

>>26704413
Where Ace danger we are
Number 1

Rolled 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 = 20

>>26704413

>>26704473
FOOL
YOU'LL DOOM US ALL

>>26704473
I GUESS WE HAVE OUR GOD DAMN ANSWER

HOLY SHIT ROLL 1D20!

ILL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW IF ONE OF THE FIRST THREE ROLLS IS A ONE YOU WILL BLOW YOUR LEGS OFF

Rolled 10

>>26704497

Rolled 14

>>26704497
DEATH THREATS ONLY MAKE IT BETTER

Rolled 4

>>26704497

Rolled 15

>>26704497

Rolled 20

>>26704497
WE'LL JUST USE THEM TO BEAT ALIENS TO DEATH
WHAT ARE YOU, A PUSSY?

>>26704497
>Blowing our own legs off
THEN WE'LL FLY BY THE POWER OF OUR BLOOD PRESSURE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dODrnOadmjc

Rolled 20

>>26704497
we don't need our fucking legs

>>26704540
>>26704544

NICE.

>>26704413
1

>>26704540
>>26704544
YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS.

Rolled 11

>>26704497
Fuck you and your rules

Rolled 1

>>26704544
REKT

>>26704591
AHAHAHA

>>26704591
Rekt indeed.

File: 1376877549573.jpg-(223 KB, 960x720, image.jpg)

223 KB JPG

>>26704591
YOU FOOL
YOU FOOOOOOOLLLLL

File: 1376877599049.gif-(549 KB, 360x359, 1376593967399.gif)

549 KB GIF

>>26704591
What have I done?!

>>26704591
>>26704647
>>26704666
>>26704670
>>26704681
Don't worry I'll save us.

>>26704544
>>26704540
FUCKIN BADDASS

You grab the rocket launcher and you grow a huge erection as you aim the rocket directly at the ground below you. You do some baddass math in your head to calculate the fucking TRAJECTORY, and then you put on your sunglasses. FUCK YOURE BADDASS.

You jump and then duck in mid air, curling into a little ball. The you shoot the bazooka down at the roof below you, COMPLETELY DESTROYING THE PRESIDENT'S HOUSE! WITH HIM IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You blast into the air like a missile and crash directly into the huge spaceship, causing it to rumble like the giant pussy ship that it is. When the space alien dust clears, you scan the room to see what you have to kill. It appears you have landed in the geological section of the ship, where the aliens studied earth's minerals. All you can see around you are various stones, not a single alien in sight. You light up a fat cuban cigar.

"Well that rocks."

>+15 BADDASS POINTS
>HOLY SHIT THATS A LOT OF POINTS
>ITS STILL ONLY ONE LEVEL THOUGH
>YOURE A LEVEL FOUR BADASS


ACTION
>Go kill some alien queen or some shit
>Find the engine room to blow this shit up
>Other
>Waifu some alien hoes

>>26704704
>Find the engine room to blow this shit up

>>26704704
>PICK A SKILL TREE TO INVEST IN

GUN-MANCY
>Summoning guns, grenades and ammo to help shoot the shit out of your god damn enemies! SHOOT THEIR SHIT

MUSCLES
>Get fucking ripped! Tear the heads off of your enemies! BITE THEIR GOD DAMN HEADS OFF

TAUNTING
>Flip your enemies off! Tell them you slept with their mothers! THEN SLEEP WITH THEM ANYWAY

>>26704715

GUN-MANCY!!!!

>>26704715
if we're gonna
>waifu some alien hoes
we're gonna need to upgrade
TAUNTING
>Flip your enemies off! Tell them you slept with their mothers! THEN SLEEP WITH THEM ANYWAY

points for making it the queen

>>26704704
Turn the alien queen into our hoe.

>>26704715
Taunting

>>26704704
>Other
FIND THE PILOT. TAKE CONTROL OF THIS SHIP, WE'RE GONNA CRASH THIS FUCKER.
'VALET SERVICE CUNTNUGGETS, WELCOME TO EARTH.'

>>26704704
Go fuck some alien queen. With more GUN-MANCY

>>26704715
TAUNTING

because my plan is to fuck the queen. they'll be.... Royally Screwed!

>>26704734

SECONDING THIS.

WE HAVE A GO FOR TAUNTING!!!!

>>26704704
Bang hot alien hoes and tell one to make me a sandwich before going to kill the queen
>>26704715
Lets go with taunt

Rolled 20, 10, 13 = 43

>>26704704
>Other
Fight your way to the alien queen, make her your bitch and commandeer the alien ship.
>>26704715
GUN-MANCY!!!

>>26704715
ADDITIONAL MUSCLES
>>26704704
KILL THE DICKS OUT OF SOME ALIEN QUEEN

>>26704739
seconding this one liner

>>26704754
forget that roll... unless you really want it.

>YOU HAVE GAINED ONE LEVEL IN TAUNT
>FLYING THE BIRD UNLOCKED
>(Give your enemies the finger, stunning them for an entire turn. You do extra damage on all stunned enemies. The next turn all surviving enemies do triple the damage to you."


ALSO WRITIN G SOMETHING
NOT SURE YET CUZ IM ALSO EATING STEAK

>>26704704
Go kill some alien queen or some shit

>>26704715
MUSCLES

File: 1376878373121.jpg-(77 KB, 500x333, a99j4nf6.jpg)

77 KB JPG

>>26704856

BUMPING WITH SOME MANLY STEAK PHOTOS.

>>26704889
>Avocado
You were so close.

>>26704900

>1911
>P90

YOUR ARGUMENTS ARE INVALID.

>>26704732
>>26704734
>>26704738
>>26704746
>>26704754
GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. Those freaky aliens killed your president, so now you’re going to kill their queen! IF THEY HAVE ONE!

You smash through a few rocks and find an alien map on the wall. It is impossible to read, but not because you are stupid. No, that’s not it. You know how to read. I PROMISE. It’s because it’s in an alien language. There’s a spot on the map with what appears to be a battery, and another spot where there is a large picture of some kind of freaky alien circle. FUCK IT.

You don’t need maps! MAPS ARE FOR WOMEN! You punch through a door and see many aliens run away from you. There are no baddass aliens in sight for you to fight. How un-baddass. You continue down the hall until you come to a fork in the road. They look exactly the same, except one is slightly less baddass. You can sense the lack of baddass-adry in the left tunnel.

ACTION
>Go left, SHOW THAT DIRECTION WHAT A BADDASS IS
>Go right, BADDASS DIRECTION
>Other

>>26704975

>Other

PUNCH THROUGH THE FORK AND MAKE YOUR OWN TUNNEL

>>26705004
This

>>26704975
>other
That hallways not the boss of you continue going further and show how badass you truly are

>>26704975
>>Other

use the intercom! Page them! Tell them we're coming for them from one direction, and then go the other!
Hit em from behind!
like a SNEAKY BADASS

>>26705015
>>26705012
>>26705004
ARE YOU GUYS FUCKING SURE? YOU'RE ON A GOD DAMN SPACESHIP 100 FEET FROM THE GROUND!

WHAT IF YOU PUNCH INTO NOTHING AND THEN FALL TO YOUR DEATH?

>>26704975
>Other
Tear a hole forward. FUCK THE CHOICES OF TUNNELS!!!
SO FAR YOU SEE THAT EVERY THING ABOUT THESE ALIENS ARE UNMANLY!!!
SO BOTH OF THESE TUNNELS ARE FUCKING UNMANLY!!! FORWARD, FUCK PREMADE PATHS!!

>>26705041
We will show gravity what a little bitch it is and float. Like a true badass

>>26705041

THEN WE PUNCH GRAVITY. WE OBEY NO LAWS!!!

>>26705004
That. Definitely that.

>>26705041
WELL THEN WE TEAR A HOLE FIRST TO SEE IF IT LEADS TO NOTHING!!!

>>26705041
we walk on the fucking nothing. gravity doesn't have shit on us.

>>26705073
What are you some kind of a pussy we walk first look second ask questions about science later

>>26705091
Questions about science?
What are you, some kind of nerd?
WHO NEEDS KNOWLEDGE WHEN YOU HAVE FISTS? AND GUNS!

>>26705041
WE DON'T FEAR DEATH

>>26705143
Hey the most badass guy who ever live (Ash from army of darkness) had a chemistry book in his car. Are you calling Him

>>26705145
HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING METAL AS FUCK

You decide that you bow to no alien master. You launch a clean punch directly into the wall and blast a hole through. But as soon as you punch it, you see that it was a hole in the ship, and when you look outside you can see the shrinking city of America growing smaller and smaller. Oh shit, these alien fuckers are trying to escape earth!

Like a baddass you punched with all your force and managed to find yourself outside of the spaceship, beginning to hurdle towards earth. Unluckily for you, you don’t have a rocket pack. And nobody can survive a fall as far as that, no matter how baddass. Although you could make a huge crater from a meteor elbow hit. That would be pretty baddass. Or you could survive. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO CHOOSE

ACTION
>Be a baddass and do an elbow drop at maximum speed at earth directly unto the democratic headquarters and create a baddass meteor
>Use your grappling hook to get back in the ship. LIKE A PUSSY
>Other

>>26705225
>Be a baddass and do an elbow drop at maximum speed at earth directly unto the democratic headquarters and create a baddass meteor

>>26705225
Fuck your laws we fall and punch the ground so hard the force sends us back up to the ship

>>26705225
>Other
Use the grappling hook to swing around the ship then elbow drop back into it

Rolled 2

>>26705225
>Other
PUNCH THE AIR BELOW YOU WITH FULL FORCE TO ROCKET TO THE TOP OF THE SHIP!!!

>>26705225

>Other

TAUNT GRAVITY. FORCE IT TO RETURN US TO THE SHIP OR WE FUCK IT'S MOTHER.

>>26705225
Fuck it.

Rip the ship apart and wear it.

>>26705225
>Other
Use the grappling hook to grab the ship
THEN DRAG IT DOWN TO EARTH WITH US

>>26705225
Both. WE GRAPPLE THE HIP AND ELBOW DROP IT BACK DOWN.

>>26705297
SHIP*

>>26705297
NO
FUCK ELBOW DROPPING
WE NEED TO DO THE FUCKING BADASSEST MOVE IMAGINABLE TO THE SHIP

WE ARE GOING TO FUCKING PILEDRIVE THAT SHIP INTO THE MOON

>>26705320
Holy shit I vote for this

FUCK YES

ROLL 1D20 FOR GRAPPLING THE SHIP DOWN INTO EARTH WITH YOU

>>26705356
AND A ONE LINER TO BACK IT UP

>>26705297
FUCK YEAH

Rolled 1

>>26705356

LET'S DO THIS

Rolled 16

>>26705356

Rolled 2

>>26705356

SURPRISE, COCKFAGS!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1QMJlAAidQ

>>26705379
RGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ROLL A 20

Rolled 18

>>26705370
"God Bless America"release the fireworks we have in back pack along with our pet eagle

File: 1376879970706.gif-(485 KB, 193x135, whathaveyoudone.gif)

485 KB GIF

Rolled 20

>>26705379

Rolled 2

>>26705356
YOU FAGS ARE GROUNDED!!!

Rolled 10

>>26705411
>>26705379
Am confus

Rolled 1

>>26705356
FOR HELLS SAKE, I SPIT AT THEE.

>>26705356
"I'M GOING TO DROP YOU LIKE I DROPPED YOUR QUEEN ON MY DICK!"

Rolled 6

>>26705427
>>26705421
>>26705390
>>26705379
The dice gods have forsaken us

>>26705427
FUCK YOU.

ZALGO TEXT FAKER.

dice+1d2̮̖̤̥͙̘͕0

Rolled 19

>>26705427
Stop that

>>26705427
"dice+1d2%CC%AE%CC%96%CC%A4%CC%A5%CD%99%CC%98%CD%950"

HE'S A PHONY.

>>26705421
>>26705390
>>26705379
ILL GIVE YOU GUYS AN ULTIMATUM

IF YOU GIVE UP ALL YOUR BADDASS POINTS, EVERY ROLL WILL BE CHANGED TO A TWENTY

BECAUSE ITS JUST DICE

AND I ALWAYS ROLL 20S

Rolled 4

>>26705472
FUCK YOUR SHIT
WE DON'T GIVE UP OUR BADASS
TIME TO GROUND THESE GOD DAMN ALIENS

Rolled 12

>>26705472
"Well ground it looks like its down to you and me"

>>26705370
"I'm gonna drop my pants and give you the mooning of a life time."
"Full moon in the afternoon."

Rolled 1

>>26705472
FUCK NO!!! THEY AREN'T WORTH A SINGLE POINT OF BADASSERY!!!

>>26705472
DONE!
The greatest act of badassitude is the act of sacrifice.
I mean, uh, TESTOSTERONE! LET'S FUCK UP THOSE ALIENS!

>>26705370
"This is one small step for a man and a massive fuck-you from mankind!

Rolled 4

>>26705511
STOP
OH GOD DICE GODS WHY

Rolled 4

>>26705472

NEVER.

MOTHERFUCKIN' SEE YA' !!!!!

>>26705511
FUCK THIS I'M DONE ROLLING!!! THE GODS OF LUCK ARE SHIT-EATING CUNTS!!!

Rolled 5

UURRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Rolled 7

>>26705548
You all suck

>>26705472

DEATH IS JUST THE BEGINNING.

WE ARE BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS.

Rolled 20, 12, 2 = 34

Let's just see.

Rolled 4

>>26705560
dice gods pls

>>26705576
If I only rolled one die.

There’s a time to be a pussy. JUST KIDDING! THERES NEVER A TIME TO BE A PUSSY! YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE A BADDASS!

You spin around in the air and fire your grappling hook directly at the ship, and you begin to pull it towards yourself. You can see the alien queen at the ships steering wheel, trying to pull it back towards space. Wait a minute. That’s no queen! That’s a king! ALL THE ALIENS ARE MEN

THAT MEANS LEAVE NO SURVIVORS

You pull out your pet bald eagle named Liberty and set him free, and he grabs his American flag and starts waving it as you grab the ship and wrestle your arms around it, locking it into your hold. You put on your sunglasses and light one final Cuban cigar as you plummet down to earth, and you look directly at the very feminine alien king.

“You’re grounded.”

You flip them off as you pile drive them directly into the Democratic headquarters. A huge explosion emanates from the point of collision, giving everything on earth just a little more baddassidness. The explosion goes so far up into the sky it crashes into the alien planet and destroys every SINGLE GOD DAMN ALIEN!

Rolled 8

>>26705589
Then all the school children gather round the ruble
And they all say "wow that guy was badass!" And the power of that sentence cause us to jump out of the rubble and say "damn right it was!"

>>26705589
A hundred trillion women across the universe orgasm and have no idea why.
Good thread everyone.

Rolled 16

>>26705589
The badass and noble sacrifice causes God to shed a single tear which falls upon our hero who revives ten times more badass.

>>26705589
One year later…..

A small boy walks up to a gravestone and throws a flower unto it. A single tear rolls down his face.

“M-Mommy..Why did daddy have to die?”

A beautiful aging women smiles through her tears as she remembers the anniversary of the day she got married to her handsome husband. He was so brave, and he always fought for what was right, even if it was something stupid. He truly was a hero. And he made the world a much safer, better place. She looks towards her young son, tears swelling his eyes.

“Your father, he was so brave. He fought as hard as he could, and sometimes that’s all you can do.”

The two walk away in the rain as a man in a limousine picks them up and drives them away. A taller, more rugged man walks out of the shadows towards the gravestone and smiles at what he sees. He takes his Cuban cigar and tosses it unto the grave.

As he leaves, the raindrops plop down unto the gravestone, and the tombstone for the President George W. Bush VII is left in an honorary cemetery, a beacon for hope for all heroes in the world, no matter how baddass.

THE END

>+100,000,000 BADDASS POINTS
>HOLY SHIT WTF GUYS
>I WANTED TO WRITE ALIEN RAPE

>>26705702
Holy fuck that's baddass infinity times ten

>>26705714
Badass End.

>>26705714
All points into MUSCLELS

>>26705714
We need to have a sequel tomorrow where we play that hot brunet from the begging bastard child with ace

Good job everyone, I hope to enjoy another badass adventure with you all.

This quest was the greatest thing I have ever read. It was just so full of BADASS

Hey, can we get someone to archive this or something?

>>26707358
ITS ALREADY ARCHIVED

WHY DID I SEE THIS POST?

MY BADDASS SENSOR WAS TINGLING