DnD retarded stories thread?>Party fighting Bebiliths>Enchanter charms one>Actually succeeds>Next round, wants to enlarge it>In a mulitlayer dungeon>Bebilith now weighs 16 tons, in addition to other Bebiliths.>Total room weight now 20 tons>Room can only support 39,000 pounds>Mfw the fucking Enchanter kills 3 Bebilths with a non-lethal growth spell via cave-in.
>>25884110That's not retarded, that's brilliant!
>>25884110What's the problem here?
>>25884158Brilliant DnD stories then?
Sounds genius to me OP
>>25884218He didnt know. He was just out of spells and wanted to make it big cuz hes an idiot.
>>25884238The only difference between genius and stupidity is whether or not things work out.
Story for story anyone? My group is pretty silly. Plenty of stories.
> Evil Campaign.> Party member finds out about a Powerful Vampire they could turn into an ally. > Informs the party of this by telling them that we need to go "vampire hunting."> Is surprised when the archer having gone off to collect Silver Arrows full attacks the vampire on sight assuming hunting meant hunting... > From possible ally to enemy in no time flat.
>>25884528>Party kills some goblins.>Ranger decides he wants to harvest ears>Succeeds>Decides a local spell caster or alchemist may pay for guts and or sex organs>Throws dice>Crit fail>Mutilates goblin dick and cuts off own finger>Shift his alignment to Chaotic Evil for genital mutilation.
>>25884617>alignment shift>for mutilating dead evil bodiesMotherfucker better have been Lawful Good beforehand, or that DM is deserving of a still face punching.
>>25884617> Alignment shift due to a dice roll.All of my what?Doing one evil thing hardly constitutes such a shift, especially something so small.
>>25884785>Dick mutilation>Not so bad>Trying to harvest goblin dick in the first placeWas more of a everyones laughing so hard that I felt like throwing some gas on the fire
>>25884760I'd still need a bit of explanation as to the sudden change, but seeing as I wasn't there and am in no way affiliated with the group it doesn't really matter.I tend to err on the side of "They're evil. We're good. Kill them, chop up the bodies, and spread their desecrated ashes to the winds. Then go hunt down the rest of them." for my L/G ideology.
>>25884841Still from LG to CE, I hardly see what he was doing as CE, immoral yes but not CE. LE or NE seems more appropriate for harvesting bodies. Accusing him of militating dicks because he rolled poorly is like accusing a doctor of murder because he was unable to save a patient.
>Halfling is climbing down a well through a rope>Dwarf fighter yells "I'M GONNA JUMP DOWN!">Halfling yells back "Don't do it you fat ass you'll die AND kill me!">Dwarf Fighter proceeds to yell "I'M JUMPING THE WELL HERE WE GO">Proceeds to jump>DM rolls for damage>Dwarf took 4 points of damage, Halfling took something like 18>Halfling was a con 8 rogue at level 1
>>25884110lel pc is accidental geniusI can do ya one better, I think, OP>Pathfinder>party>at a public hearing from local kings>plan is to sneak close to kings through crowd and covertly infect royalty with special mind-control poison>cause SCIENCE!>many warring factions also secretly want this>known mad bomber running around town>one PC>ork mage>snooping around nearby buildings>discovers hidden huge fucking bomb poised to wreck whole crowd's shit and ruin the party's plans>I'm expecting disarm attempts>he backs up>fireballs the bomb>mfwIt was a crazy "fantasy-anthrax" filled dirty bomb that killed half the crowd, knocked the ork across town, and the poison gas finished the rest. Whole quest ruined. I asked him afterwards what he was thinking His response?"I thought it would disarm it!"Incidentally: >His ork mage>had points in Craft: Baking>took Craft Potion feat>fluffed his potions to be magic-infused pies>ran around the battle-field throwing magic pies at people>feeds allies pies of Cure Moderate Wounds
>cant play at DMs house last week (construction)>go to other player's attic>asks us to use coasters
>>25885063What a faggot.Did you call him a dirty pleb and spit on his couch at least?
>>25884994>Party in Menzoberranzan>Only one speaks Undercommon>Druid>Starts asking around the market place for drugs>Merchant asked if he's a slave of one of the Drow Houses>Says yes>Asks for appropriate forms for psychedelics>Starts accusing the merchant and demanding to see the product first>Makes huge scene>Gets whole party arrested and brought before Drow Council.Same Player as the Enchanter btw.
>>25885010>ran around the battle-field throwing magic pies at people
>>25885010>Give party Rod of Wonder for fun.>They go right outside Greyhawk and start casting away>Start fire>Decide that the only way to deal with it is to cast the Rod more>700 butterflies fly out 3 times in a row.>Magical butterflies set on fire>2100 magical flaming butterflies plague the city>Party spends days hiding in the wilderness after making heavy rain to stop fire.>Still immense damage to city.
>>25884910He was trying to harvest the dicks from sentient beings for the purpose of selling them. That's like accusing a doctor of murder because he was unable to harvest his patient's organs without killing them.
>>25885087In character yea we shat on him basically.ooc he bought us pizza so we bore the pain for dat bob marley extra crispy pizza.My hand graced my coaster at one point I'm pretty sure. Sterilized it as soon as I got home. No vaginas have grown yet so I should be safe.
>>25885248>implying genital mutilation isn't what a lawful good society wouldn't do to infant boys
>>25885433But he wasn't circumcising the corpse. He was removing the phallus but slipped and accidentally circumcised it.What the fuck am I typing.
>>25885433>implying america isn't lawful evil
>oWoD Mage: Technocracy game>In most recent session, void engineer used >Dimensional science (AKA prime) to trap >six murder spirits into a .357 magnum. >Group has named the result "Pure Murder" >It is owned and carried by a hacker with the >"5th degree" flaw, meaning he is an>outcast, barely tolerated by the technocracy>so as to be sent on suicide missions. >Player is the only one even more lolrandum>than the guy who made this abomination. >I look forward to next session.
>>25886414>Rod of Wonder cast>Causes Anti-grav field>Cast again mid air>Turns into monkey via baleful polymorph>Cast a third time>Anti-magic field negates anti-grav field>Monkey-boy falls from the sky and takes lethal fall damage.>Rest of party only mildly wounded as they arent monkeys>Party has to carry splattered rotting monkey corpse for 3 days to get him revived.
Let me tell you the story of a certain Pathfinder group, and a certain gnome alchemist.>Party lacks a healer>GM feels bad, hands us a Paladin>Alchemist bombs vampire to death>Paladin caught in to blast>Forest outside cave also caught in blast>Mages sent from nearby town to put fire out>Lie through out asses>Convince them the vampire did it.>Party fights a necromancer and about 15 undead next to a different forest>Alchemist has bomb launchers for long-range party killing>Absurdly low roll>Flies into the forest, Forest Fire 2: The Electric Boogaloo ensues>Necromancer flees>Alchemist collects zombie flesh as evidence against necromancer>Elves appear>Fire extinguished>Rogue attempts to pickpocket while we explain that it was all the necromancer's fault>Fails stealth roll the first time in the entire campaign>Party rides away, elves give chase>Alchemist nukes the forest, Forest Fire 3: Not This Shit Again ensues>Party escapes>Final showdown with necromancer>Final blow to be dealt>NPC the GM reluctantly let us have earlier engaged in fisty-cups>Alchemist dusts them both>Party mad, we really liked said NPC>Fast forward to next campaign>Canonically five years later>NPC politician recruits us as double agents against 'The Resistance'>We hate his guts>Alchemist looks over his inventory>Realizes he still has the zombie parts>Attempts to convince politician that The Resistance are building an undead army>Party realizes Alchemist has smelled terrible these last five years
Rolled 29>>25884110Why did you ave exact stats on what the room can support and what an enlarged Bebilith weighs?
>>25886530>Spend 20 mins setting up a boss>Have him be cocky and let the party have a round as he is a lvl 5 Necromancer and they are lvl 2s. >Party decides to use wand I gave them a while back>Tell me they use the wand of Prismatic Light.>Ok>Realize I meant to give them a wand of Color Spray>Mfw they deal 120 damage to my boss then turn him to stone and throw him out the window in 30 secs realtime.
>>25886616They mentioned that the floor might give out so I calculated it all.
Rolled 26>Playing 4e>DM decided Chaos Runes should be in this game>Illusionist learn to draw and power Chaos Runes>in a city's catacombs and we all see a dracolich statue>Illusionist draws 65 chaos runes on statue>hops off it>casts an illusion spell to make it look like a giant bunny>spell cancels out original spell, revealing a tiefling>with all 65 chaos runes on him>illusionist engages him>tiefling takes a step and chaos runes activateI don't remember the entire order but this is what happened in that "battle">tiefling grows 4 extra heads>small pool of lava between tiefling and illusionist forms>tiefling gets picked up and shaken like an unwanted baby by an invisible hand>tiefling's shoes come alive with mouths trying to eat him>tiefling gets encapsulated in an "indestructable" stone cube>summons a harpy that falls into the lava with no save>green oozes are shooting out of all of the tiefling's noses, mouths, and ears>it's skin gets turned to steel>summons a gold dragon off to the side>illusionist is sent to a pocket dimension for the battle>all illusionist's metal stuff turns to wood>illusionist gets liquified and stuffed into a canteen>Tiamat gets summoned and eats the tiefling and gold dragon>we all shit our pants IC
>>25887060I'm more impressed with how long the tiefling lasted.
Rolled 10>>25887183I don't remember everything that happened to it, but it was fucking hillarious. I couldn't breathe while we were rolling the effects.Also, I forgot to mention the tiefling got caught on fire twice by the chaos runes.
>>25887255>OH GOD IT BURNS>JESUS FUCK WHY WON'T IT STOP>Ahhh, it's finally starting to go out>GOD DAMMIT FUCK ME THE PAINNNNNNNN
>friend roleplays as a nigger>spends time looking for weed and shooting hoops>gets beat by the police>decides to jump an armed guard>guard about to beat him>he climbs a wall into an open window>looks around and sees a group of alligator people eating diner>DM "so what are you doing?">i punch the closest kid>everyone "....WHAT">kills kid and jumps out the window again >this starts a race war between giant alligator people and niggersliterally the funniest thing ive ever witnessed in DnD because he said it in such a way that it sounded like he had no choice but to kill the kid
>>25885010>imagine him desperately shoving Cure Wounds pies down a dying NPC's throat in a vain attempt to save themNot sure whether should laugh or cry...
>Playing a modified Athas campaign with lots of homebrew fun>I am a greedy merchant>Everyone else is greedy>I manage to convince other players to be my bodyguards>Had an entire formal contract written up and had them sign their characters names on it>DM is okay with this since the contract is pretty fair>We are almost to Tyr, but one of my bodyguards find an entrance to some catacombs>I decide there might be stuff worth looting in there, and go with the other players because no one trusted eachother>As we explore keep finding levers and pulling them>Nothing happens except for distant grinding sounds>Finally we pull a lever, and the ground collapses beneath us>A large chest is sitting under the rubble>In my contract it says that I immediately own all objects found by my employees while they are on duty>We all work together to open it>Inside are thousands of platinum and onyx rings>Detect Magic>Shitload of magic>We have come across the treasure cache of a sorcerer king>He knows. Doesn't matter because of what happens next.>All hell breaks loose when other players find out>We all try to kill eachother>Our rouge puts on a ring in the chaos>Suddenly she is slowly falling into the ground>Takes it off and grabs a handful of them and runs>Several people chase after her>Several people stay behind with the chest>She tries on different another and everyone in a several hundred feet range pass out from lack of oxygen>She puts several more on. Lightening fire and prismatic walls are appearing everywhere>Everyone is passing out>Two players team up and run through the catacombs the other way, dragging the chest with them>All of us have some of the rings at this point>I had one which caused a wall of fire to surround me>Eventually everyone has killed eachother except for our Rouge who passed out and was sinking in to ground now>A Sorcerer King teleports to her. She gets killed too.tl;dr Greed kills.
>playing some loose-rules DnD>in a party with a berserker>enemy is hiding behind some rubble>berserker hears it>attempts to jump over the rubble and swing at the enemy>he'll have to roll at least 12 twice in a row>rolls two ones>scrambles up the rubble, falls off onto a kobold>the kobold is stabbed in the head by the one of the horns on the berserker's helmet>he just gets up and continues fighting, but gets and intimidation bonus because of the corpse on his head>his helmet still has a piece of kobold stuck to it, weeks later
>>25885248No, that's like accusing a doctor of murder because he failed to harvest the organs from a already dead patient.
>Players want to play evil campaign (3.5)>herewego.jpg>start off as a motley assortment of level one evils in a small village>decide to ask around town for work>get hired to investigate local caverns for stolen goods (was using an adaptation of a DCC module)>party investigates, finds evil wizard in the caves>wizard hires them to kill everyone in the town>I leave the method up to them, the town does have a couple hundred inhabitants including the people in the outlying farmlands>they decide to poison the wells with corpses>party arrives at graveyard, realize they have no shovels>half the party decides to sneak into town to steal shovels, half waits at graveyard>half at graveyard spends a couple hours chilling then trying to dig using hands, helmets, and shields>half going to town is almost immediately noticed by blacksmith>asks what they're doing>they respond by immediately claiming the other half of the party has gone evil and is at the graveyard trying to steal corpses for an evil wizard>succeed the Bluff and Diplomacy checksNote, I've always been big on physically separating the players when the party splits.>bring the two groups of players back together, graveyard half fails the spot check to notice the mob of enraged citizens led by the other half of the party until it's too late>three of the four stand and fight, the fourth successfully runs away>end result is a couple dead villagers, four dead PC's, two evil PC's lauded as heros, and one evil PC on the runThat was the first and only time I ran an evil campaign.
>>25888165Pretty sure organ smuggling is illegal anyway.
>>25888256>Excellent.It was terrible. It was just one of a long string of party implosions. >party descends into ancient tomb in the desert>several hundred meters down>encounter a sand trap that causes sand to flow down a hill, trying to sweep them into a pit, slowing them and making them easy prey for mummy archers>party defeats archers, turns off sand trap>decides to turn sand trap back on to mess with any pursuers (had not mentioned or hinted at pursuit)>party continues into tomb, kills more undead, find treasure>are surprised to find tunnels completely blocked by the endless pouring of sand from the trapI was so glad they hadn't killed each other by then that I had them dig themselves out before they ran out of supplies.
>>25884902that seems more chaotic or neutral good than lawful good.
>>25888212My Black Crusade campaign is imploding because the rest of the party can't think of any way to be evil other than killing everyone who looks at them funny, including other PCs.
>>2588821210/10 that was gold!
>>25884301>The only difference between genius and stupidity is whether or not things work out.This is gold, I'm putting this in my vault.
>>25887578This gives me an idea for a puzzle type thing in some made noble or sorcerers base to be a dining room that locks the players in magically until the eat all of the food and drink all of the water. Cept each food and drink is concocted/enchanted with a different non-lethal but odd effect.
>party goes after goblin raiders in the nearby forests>decide to set up camp for the night>set up camp people go to sleep and one sentry stays up>random encounter>a horde of boars storm through our camp>knight mounts his horse>Rogue, ranger and my cleric climbs up a nearby tree>cleric roll on climb fail - stunned for a round as i sit on the ground>rogue takes an opportunity and uses my cleric as a step stool>''I jump on his head as I get up the tree''> 8 damage >boars begin to maul and gore cleric as the others watch
Not D&D but similar type of story>Playing a Geneticist with a Mech>Travel around with cannisters full of SPIDERS (in all caps) that I fire at people as well as a few other nasties>These canisters are like a flash bang but instead of light & noise they spew SPIDERS>Crash landed on a hellhole of a planet full of monstrous wildlife>Tell the GM I'm looking for interesting wildlife I can work with>"Well theres these Capuchin Monkeys that spit acid, you might be able to harvest it or something">Fuck that, that's not SCIENCE>Proceed to spend several weeks genetically modifying the monkeys>After several excellent rolls, the result is a flesh sack with a face and a tube on it>Which I hook up to the Mech on a specially-designed mount which electrocutes it when I activate it, stimulating the monkeys panic response and causing it to spray acid everywhere>GM informs me that the monkey screams whenever I do this>"That's ok I'll remove the Vocal Cords from the next generation">GM's faceOther entertaining events include blowing a hole in an alien with an armor-piercing rifle then jamming a spider can in the hole, and telling the survivors of the other ship that while we're out, "If anything attacks the ship just go into the lab and press the big button. It lets everything out."
>>25889860>Rephrased quote from elsewhereNot so golden as you might think.
>playing homebrew DnD ripoff I invented myself>Suzy the strong, the female nutkicking barbarian (you may have heard her tales before) has died>send in my main guy, the half-orc Otamye>despite being Neutral good, he can't resist his orcish instincts>attempts to rape Suzy's corpse>15 or higher on a d20 roll and he would've done it successfully>instead I got a 4 >"and so the orc came in his pants before he could even pull his pecker out. His self confidence is down, and he takes 5 damage"
>Playing Spycraft because D&D is for losers>Sneaking into a French Mansion to steal a bottle of wine.>We need glass cutters to cut through a window without alerting the house's guards.>Our snoop has glasscutters, demands we give him $5 before we can use them.>Pay the man, gain entry>Snoop trips on windowframe, makes a lot of noise due to crit fail.>Ohfuck.jpg>Everyone hides, taze one of the guards that investigates and drag him into an office.>Snoop starts removing his uniform to use as a disguise.>We inform snoop that the guards wouldn't recognise his face.>Snoop says he has it covered and starts cutting off the guy's face.>The guard is still alive and starts screaming>Everyone in the house can hear it.>mfwI ended it by blowing the guard's brains out, but after that point the mission went from stealth to action. To this day we still killed more people and destroyed more property in that one sneaking mission than in any other mission in the campaign.
>>25890252>starts cutting off the guy's faceAnd no one tried to stop the psychopath?
>>25890277We weren't in the room when he made the first cut, we were communicating via headset as we made sure no more guards were coming. It was only when we heard the guy screaming that we knew what was happening.In our last session the same snoop got run over, bought a moped (which we later used to outrun the police) and escaped the cops by posing as the world's least convincing garbageman (which worked)He's either a genius or a complete moron. I think he's both.
>>25885010Seems like your Ork mage would like 40k Orks.
>>25885580I like to think that we are in fact Chaotic Neutral, pretend to be Lawful Good, while everyone thinks we are Lawful Evil.
>>25890143>attempts to rape Suzy's corpse
>>25890143Was this homebrew called FATAL, by any chance?
>>25884785>something so small>goblin 'nads Tee hee.
>>25890483narpIt doesn't really have a name, its just a stupid little game me and my friends play in lieu of dnd (because we're all a buncha poorfags)
>>25888223Laws do not define morality.
>Pathfinder>fighting gnolls>kicking our asses>gnoll chieftain has fuckhueg bow>takes down one player, next round will probably shoot at the party wizard>wizard anticipates this, readies an action to cast a spell when he fires>gnoll shoots>wizard casts Baleful Transposition>gnoll leader fails save>wizard and gnoll leader switch places>gnoll shoots himself>nat. 20, critical hit, 20 on confirm, 20 on follow up>gnoll leader deathblows himself>party's face when
>>25885523He didn't circumcise the goblin, he mangled it's dick.
>>25889762Doesn't the compact or whatever it's called prevent players from doing that?
>>25891816This, what do you think Lawful Evil means?
>>25890073There's not a single truly original idea from Sol to the Oort cloud, you know.
>>25886745This is more true than you know.The army is one of constant adaptation because things change so damn often.
>>25893753The theoretical "Oort cloud" isn't even an original idea, further proving your point.>the more you know
>>25886616Back when I started DMing, I used to write down stuff like the smell of the walls and the exact locations were liquids would gather if poured.For every room.In my defense, I was 13 and probably midly retarded.
>>25886530>bomb launcher for long-range party killingI giggled. Why is it that players seem to come up with dipshit ideas like that?>fighting an orc chief>put boot to ass, hear a hissing noise coming from behind a curtain>peek behind curtain. OH SHIT A BASILISK!>fort saves. fort saves everywhere. Fortunately we make it>Okay, let's kill this thing and take the hide.>Party member: "But anon, what about the gaze attack?">Me: "We'll just dump something over the things head and beat it to a pulp. I think I have a spare cloa-">Party dumbass: "HURR DUR HURR LET'S JUST USE THIS CURTAIN," my character says as he pulls down the curtain. Sop funny, amirit gais?And then we all made fort saves again. The dwarf failed, and it was his first session with us. He'd lost his cart full of goods as a plot hook to get him to adventure with us, which he never recovered because of Dipshit. Also he had to give all his treasure up to get turned back into flesh. I said that Dipshit should be the one to pay for it, to no avail.
>hard-ass demon bbeg>can't kill him>wizard does a voodoo spell>the binding is a no defense monster we have>everyone face when my barbarian just deals 700++ pure damage to the bbeg
>>25893199Rules do not determine alignmentAlignment determines the rules
>Okay, I posted this story before, but I'd like to give the full story here.>D&D loose-rules>5 PC group>playing an elf rogue using a flintlock rifle>DM rewards me with an tiny anti-magic ring with a field so small, its only use is for picking locks.>idea pops into head>buys 10 tons worth of cannonballs>asks party wizard to shrink cannonballs to the size of my flintlock ammo>fit anti-magic ring unto mouth of barrel>I now have a portable ship cannon that does 6d8 damage>DM's face whenContinuation:>now on par with barbarian and wizard in terms of damage output>climb ridiculously engineered spiral staircase tower with no floors>encounters evil undead necromancer at the top of the tower>weapons won't work on him>fuck that>I escape>DM has a smug face>once I'm a few steps below, I shoot the floor below the necromancer>necromancer didn't prep feather fall>falls to his death>DM's face when pt2
>>2590291210 out of fucking 10.
>>25902912That is fucking beautiful
>>25884110I have been told of a similar story; I shall share it.>Be young; ask Father for AD&D stories. He thinks for a moment.>There was this guy who played a Mage. He bought chickens at chargen for some reason (it was not explained). Led them around while adventuring.>One encounter in a dungeon turned sour; the party ran into more trouble then they could handle. Mage at the back of teh party set forth his chicken horde and casts an enlarge creature spell.>Chickens now large; party uses surprise giant chickens to escape. Fight again another day.
>>25902912Wouldnt the cannonball just fall to the ground after exiting the barrel and being returned to its natural state?Because the amount of force behind the ammunition is sufficient to propel the smaller cartridge, but when the mass of the object suddenly changes it will decelerate
>>25912011it was already propelled. by the time it hit the ring, it was already going as fast as it was going to, I don't know the speed of a flintlock pistol but say 900 feet per seconds prior to enlargement its still going to travel just as fast, just not as far.so just correct your aim for the arc difference
>>25912011Worse than that, conservation of momentum says that the speed is divided by what proportion the cannonball is heavier than the shot.
>>25912011Magic, don't gotta explain shit.
>>25912011B-b-but mah magic.
>>25895122That's not retarded. That's paranoia fuel for any savvy player. I like it.
>>25902912Wouldn't the antimagic affect the cannon ball right before it hits the ring, causing the barrel of your gun to explode and possibly breaking your ring?
>>25912556>>25912706I wonder if there was a random effects table behind all this.
>>25912011>>25912205>just not as farIn other words, yes>Wouldnt the cannonball just fall to the ground after exiting the barrel and being returned to its natural statehappens.
>>25914273there was, he decided to use AD&D2 random effects though, so there were a few times we had to reroll because he didn't know how to fit them into the game right off the bat.
>>25914327bros it is magic, lets consult Discworld physics manual to see how this worksBall is Shrunk, 1 inch diameterBall is traveling at 900m/s (roughly)Ball enters anti magic fieldShrink is cancelledShrunken ball has the attribute of 1 inch diameter and 900m/s velocityEnlarged ball has the attribute of 10 inch diamter and 9000m/s velocityFrom here physics takes control again
>>25890069Oh God I love your character
>>25914432>1 inch diameter and 900 m/s velocity>10 inch diameter and 0.9 m/s velocityFTFY
Not exactly D&D, but a modified version there of. Still, quite a retarded story.>Party battling pretty large scale fight against some zealots>Party gets split up because their teamwork is horrible>One half of the team manages to push themselves up against the wall of an enemy turret placement>Battle-Mage is the only one useful in this position>Entire party tells him to fire a fireball through the window of the placement at the user's face>He specifies "I shoot my fireball down the gun's barrel.">Gun is magically driven mana displacer>Due to the physics of this world, fireball melts its mana containment area>Mana expands at rapid rate>Causes massive magical explosion>Kills two nearby party members, knocks out another, causes a truck to explode, killing yet another two, and leaving about half the party dead>The Battle-Mage escapes with one missing armThere are many stories like this with my group, and they're all caused by stupid moves from the Mage.
>Start a 3.5 D&D game at 0th level>None of us have any class abilities>Can't roll stats until after we go to 1st level so all 10s>Take a job smuggling drugs into town (evil game, but unimportant to the tale)>DM decides an ape attacks us>Setup is he's howling at us from atop a 50ft cliff>Beats his chest and jumps down to attack>I remind him about falling damage>Ape dies on impact>We make it to 1st level for "defeating" the creatureWhat the fuck Alex?
>>25915263>The Battle-Mage in the above story was named AlexConclusion: All Alex's are bad at tabletop games and should not be allowed to play.
>>25890069I honestly expected that story to end with "horde of monkeys that spit spiders."
>>25915319Huh. I had an Alex once who would roll the die and snatch it up instantaneously, saying it was a really high number. He tended to crit way more than anyone else. After he was told to roll in front of the DM, he quit.Who knew?
>>25915319No, our DM just doesn't think things through and then rolls with whatever happens. He's mildly insane and runs probably the oddest games I've ever played. Apparently in his current game the barbarian class feature Illiteracy is a written language that only barbarians can read, mostly consisting of smears of dirt or blood.Weird. Shit.
>>25915399Sounds like the dwarf Barbarian in my party might've been communicating with us when he was crushing his head against a wall, then....
>>25915399>Illiteracy is a written language>consisting of smears of dirt or blood>only barbarians can read
>>25915833>barbarian politicking>barbarian news>barbarian postcards>barbarian pin-up calendars>barbarian tax forms
The question here is can the language be written in shit? Because if so, this has opened a very large door.
>>25890069"That's ok I'll remove the Vocal Cords from the next generation"Nigga theres Evil, and then theres Vile Darkness.You just went full Vile Darkness.
>>25884785Circumsision is serious business
>>25915869>Barbarian representative government>Barbarians elect civilized people to represent them in a government that represents the barbarian's way of life.
>>25890069In the current game I'm in, we found a box of infinite wolf spiders that we've taken with us and are saving for an emergency. When opened, it spews 2-3 wolf spiders every turn until closed or the universe ends (possibly from spiders.)
>>25916366>>25915869>>25915833I love you guys. Definitely suggesting this to the DM.
>>25890143H-How does premature ejaculation cause damage?
>>25890143>>25916763>female nutkicking barbarian>despite being Neutral good, he can't resist his orcish instincts>attempts to rape corpse>arbitrary roll for Rape>Cumming causes damage>homebrew I invented myselfDo I really need to spell this out for you?
>>25916823To be fair, rape-by-orc was in the core rules.
>>25915399Like hobo code?
Shitty restrictive DM running a game for two friends and me. >Already locked into restrictive plot we have been pushed into following even though our DM approved characters have no interest in magic.>Forced to escort a Drow refugee across a mountain. >Drow refugee is continuously a jerk to us even when we are 1. Helping him. 2. Not being mean to him.>Drows show up in the mountains and we ditch the refugee, we run away into the forest.>GM MAKES US USE TURNS FOR AN HOUR+ RUNNING AWAY BEING CHASED BY DROW WHO HAVE NO REASON TO CHASE US.>Long ass time later, we are bored and annoyed so we turn around and fight the Drow attackers.>DM happy, Players unhappy. So one the rogue murders the Refugee on the spot.>DM stops the game and slams the book on the table. "NICE YOU FUCKED THE WHOLE PLOT UP."
Does sommeone have the "What the fuck is a Yellow dragon" Screencap? It might be relevant to dhis thread (and also a good one).
>>25886510>Party has to carry splattered rotting monkey corpse for 3 days to get him revived.>has toFuck that, I'd leave him to rot.
>>25917395Here you go, my good man! Been archiving and saving threads for a few days now, and this gem happened to be there
Got another one for you.>Entire group decides, "Fuck it, let's kill each other, deathmatch style, just for some fun.">Roll where characters will be on the map>A sorcerer named Indra spawns near the edge of the forest>When it comes his turn, DM asks him, "What do you do?">"I hide in the bush!">Ah, okay. You hide in the bush.>Another rotation of turns go, Indra's turn again>"I dig myself into the dirt a bit">Another rotation>I perform photosynthesis>We have realized he is trying to become some type of bush warrior>The fight happens to slowly move to the bushes where two characters are left>Gets to Indra>We all look at him, horrified>He says he jumps out of the bush and runs his sword through my chest>Gets a near perfect roll>Gets in epic final battle with the last person>The other guy decides to throw a grenade at him, but doesn't fucking cook it>Indra catches it>THEY START PLAYING HOT POTATO WITH A LIVE GRENADE>By pure chance, Indra lives through it and kills the other guy>Through a deadly version of a kid's gameAnd that's the story of how Indra became a bush.
>>25917646Thanks! this is so awesome every time you read it !!
>>25917706I'll be telling these tales to my grandkids someday, hopefully. We must keep these stories alive for future generations! They are kinda like our own little myths haha
>>25917810this will be a reminder how good...or bad... or whatever...it was playing traditional role games
>>25917861Oh and here is the story of the Furry Rape Planet from last weeks Stories thread.... It is one that I hope future historians never uncover
>>25917646That was... wow.No words.>>25917961God I remember that. I had chills when it got to the doorknob.
>>25918534Here is a story that made me all happy, it cleansed my soul of the horror stories of the FRP and others.
>>25918757One of the best stories I've heard of a D&D party ever. Well done.
>>25918978There is also the story of one Funzo the Clown
>>25918757>>25919007So, I'm buying the PF core rulebook.. it's on order to my local comic store.I've only ever had one D&D campaign that lasted three sessions and got scrapped, and that was the only D&D I've ever played. But here's a greentext from the second session.>Half-orc Barbarian female, who has eschewed all weapons and put perks into unarmed combat, so I can deal lethal damage with my bare hands.>Rest of party consists of Rapist Rogue Halfling, Corpse-fisting Bard Human, and the only other sane person, a Half-Elf Female Ranger.>Bard is in jail for fisting a corpse.>Ranger, my Barbarian, Rogue and two DMPC's head to bandit base we've been trying to find. We tracked it to a ruined section of the city, the deep slums where no guards can come to help us.>Enter, and make stealth checks. My Barbarian is the Klaxon-That-Walks and immediately alerts the whole base of our arrival. We make listen checks and hear them scurrying around down a few hallways in this long-abandoned building.>Two minutes later, the DMPC's have been blown apart by exploding runes, and are KO'd nearby. I have one health and am hiding from archers under a pile of corpses I neck-snapped. The Ranger finishes off the archers with two hitpoints left. Rogue was hiding the whole time, after being knocked down to three HP, which is when he decided to flee.>BBEG bandit leader, or as BBEG as we've seen so far, runs off down a hallway laughing like a madman."So, ranger, want to go help me kill him now?">No, the Ranger wants to loot bodies, while the DMPC's are still KO'd and can't get in her way."Okay, then. See you later.">Walk down long tunnels to large circular chamber where bandit leader waits. He begins his whole spiel on the justice of stealing from a corrupt kingdom, and how it's every man for himself. I get bored and ask him to just fight me.>We roll initiatives and he wins. He charges, wielding this shimmering magic sword of Infinite Fuckyouup. He misses the hit.
>>25919312>I disarm him successfully, and ignore the sword that falls to the ground. I pick up the sword, and consider it for a moment.But that is not the way of The Klaxon.“I want to roll to grab his throat, and choke him to death.”>DM gives me a look and tells me to roll for it, not understanding why I don’t pick up the sword and just stab him.Keep in mind my character is at 1hp still, and this is a boss with, I don’t know, like 25-45 or so?>I make the grapple, and DM tells me I can deal 1hp damage per turn, as long as I roll twice: to hold my grapple, and to deal the damage. I tell him that’s fine.>DM begins to roll in earnest, to free the bandit leader from my grasp. 2’s, 3’s, and 6’s abound on his turns.>My Half-Orc Barbarian chick continues to squeeze a little more each turn, rolling 16’s and 19’s and a few natural 20’s, all with modifiers on top of it.>DM gives me another look and describes the leader as gurgling and turning slightly blue.>Ranger and Rogue players tell me OOC to just pick up the sword and finish this. Meanwhile, they’ve looted the dead bandits, and haven’t bothered coming to help me.“I want to keep choking him. Also, I want to ask him to continue his speech.”>Bandit leader is sadly unable to continue his speech, as oxygen is important for the morale required.>DM lets me know that I’m a few turns from killing him. Suddenly decides his bandit is going to try to break my arm and get free.>Rolls some more 2’s and 3’s.>I roll a natural twenty next turn, and apparently crush his windpipe with my bare hand.>I get all the XP for the boss fight.>I get all the treasure in his treasure room behind his little circular arena.>Barbarian walks triumphantly from the encounter with several thousand gold, a new level, a magic sword I sell to spite my allies and prove that I need nothing but my fists, but.. most importantly… I have a story.
>>25919319And all that's to more or less say:I've got no clue how Pathfinder works and have to come up with character in a few weeks. And advice, for once I get my core rulebook?
>>25919338Go here; http://www.d20pfsrd.com/That should tide you over until you get your core.
>>25917961i don't quite get the doorknob part.And i would've run with it.
>>25919500it appears the GM was masturbating before the game started, and still has Vaseline on his hands when he opened the door for his guests
>>25919338My advice would be to maybe sit in on a few games to get a feel for it, that's what I did for D&D, and the Internet is full of advice on how to make characters for PF and D&D. you should have no trouble getting the basics down and making your sheet in time for your game. I know how you feel, I am still pretty new myself to tabletop RPGs. But do not fret!
>>25919526People even brought up the idea that the doorknob was used for said sexual activities.... spooky
>>25890073You heard it the first time somewhere, too.
Archive this thread. NOW.
>>25919500>>25919526>>25919576maybe they were trying to prevent escape
>>25920270for further masturbation
>>25920253http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/25884110hopefully they will not delete it! I saved a backup offline copy in case.
>>25917961>mfw I was expecting The Aristocrats and it never came
>>25884110In a dungeon crawl the architect is the most dangerous fuck in the party.
>Playing Fathpinder>Mostly Good party with one or two other LGs.>One oddball that wasn't that bad except he lined his pockets as often as he felt he could without pissing too many players off and he slept with seedy hookers (for character effect, but thankfully he insisted on /not/ roleplaying it and just having it happen off screen).>He does useful things. He is an awesome damage dealer and not too bad at investigating (especially when investigating involved extracting information from hookers).>Near the end, BAM we find out he was an Antipaladin the whole time. He slept with seedy hookers to load up on diseases. By the end of the game, he had so many diseases that he could basically wipe out a town by bleeding into the water.>All those mysterious town disappearances and zombie plague outbreaks were to cover his tracks when a scam or some other trickery went south.>He actually hadn't hindered the party at all and asked ic if we could just get the job done so they could all go home.>Needless to say, one of the LG guys, the healbitch, flips his shit and attacks the Antipally. >Antipally apparently took dirty trick so he could bite his tongue and spit blood at people.>Nails the healbitch right in the face.>Healbitch makes a bazillion fort saves and fails most of them. Fortunately, diseases have an incubation period, so the effects weren't immediately debilitating.>Antipally zoidbergs the fuck out of there without even waiting to see if the rest of the party would turn on him.>Healbitch can't cast enough diagnose and remove diseases to get rid of all the things he was infected with.>Try to take him someplace where he can be tended to by other healers so we don't lose our only healer.>Reach the nearest major settlement. Antipally beat us there and has already turned most of the place into mindless zombies.cont.
>>25926962That's some evil shit so far, but I love it.I can just imagine it: opening to the Diseases page and saying "You have these, now. Have fun.".
>>25926962>We have no intention of fighting that many zombies. It'd be suicide. Did I mention we were only like level 5? The Antipally did this all by being a whore and infecting himself with nasty diseases and spreading them using some biowarfare strategy he dug up out of the bowels of the internet.>Without proper care, a couple days later, most of the diseases kick in and he dies pretty much all at once. >healbitch fucking explodes.>Antipally's strategy shifts from subtlety to flooding the bbeg's place with plague zombies and rot zombies and searching for the quest item in the aftermath.>After the antipally starts picking up the easter eggs we were sent to hunt, the DM tells him he needs to reroll because it's obvious he's not rejoining the party at this point.>OOC, he now tells us that thet antipally was with us because he made a deal with the church to help decontaminate certain things that would eventually drive him bananas and he had every motivation not to kill us until the healbitch tried to PK him. The Zombie strategy just came about because he didn't think he could steal stuff from the bbeg without a big distraction.>We never trust his characters again and end up going bonkers whenever he has "too clean" or characters that are "just a little weird."
>>25911990>surprise giant chickensTHIS MAN. That guy deserves a medal.>>25912225Here, just done some !!SCIENCE!!.0.45 inch diameter iron ball = 1.1 cm diameter1.1 cm diameter = 0.55 cm radiusVolume of a sphere = 4/3 pi r^34/3 * 22/7 * 0.55^3 ~= 0.7 cm^3 iron ballDensity of iron ~= 7.9 g cm^-3Mass of shrunken iron ball ~= 5.5 g4 lb iron ball ~= 1.8 kgRatio of mini to maxi ~= 3.05 * 10^-3Speed is multiplied by a factor of ~ 3.28 * 10^-4.You're welcome. And that's the best case scenario, assuming the largest bore commonly used in Pennsylvania and Kentucky during the late 18th to early 19th century, and the smallest bore of British ship's cannon.
>>25919007Funzo the Clown is best clown.
>DnD campaign>party consists of a mage, a druid and a rogue>druid is huge asspie, and brother of mage>only letting him in party because fucking his sister>druid goes out of his way to have any and all animal creatures following him>mage rarely takes risks because she always overthinks consequences>rogue steals everything he can get his little halfling paws onnow I mentioned these things just so you know beforehand what the party is, I have two actual stories.>party traveling trough large elven forest>they spot a grizzly bear a while away>they are kinda low level so it is not very wise to engage it.>the druid runs towards it, dragging the whole party after him>attempts to tame bear via animal empathy>fail>not a single warrior in party and the bear fucks their shit>druid dead, mage dead and rogue heavily wounded>next 3 games consist of rogue robbing and doing basically anything to gather cash for a resurrection>could have just walked around the fucking bear>much later in the game...>party at temple>rogue leaves cash for the god of riches>cash disappears, meaning the tribute is taken>mage leaves sapphires and a toy boat on water gods altar>disappears, tribute taken>druid goes to altar of gaia (nature)>puts gold coins on it>they become gray and stay on the altar>druid states 'Looks like the tribute didn't work'>rogue takes the coins off the altar, and not secretly or nothing>druid flips his shit>YOU TOOK MAH MONEY>WTF DUDE>moron left them there and was walking away>they get into a fight>suddenly both get lifted in the air by an invisible golem guard>"BEHAVE">puts them down, they continue fighting>it's a marble golem and they barely beat them>temple clerics pissed, chasing after party>barely escape mighty wrath of 12 level 15 clericsYou guys should add invisible guardian golems into temples, lots of fun when people don't expect it.
>>25927899You are a huge faggot for letting in a player just because you fuck his sister/mother/brother whateverI hate DM's like you and I hope you get cancer or somethingI bet you get mad too when something happens to that girl you fuck
>>25927899kinda this>>25927940if player is shitty you shouldn't let him play no matter what, you are ruining experience for others and yourself
>>25927940nah not really. I let her die like anyone else. I do not deny my faggyness for doing that.another reason why I let him in is because two players get boring real fast, and in middle easter yurop not many people play tabletopbut don't worry, got real tired of his shit fast, he was in the game for about 3 months last year when I kicked him outand it's not like she asked me to let him in or something, I just thought he'd be a cool guy to play withI was very, very wrong.
>>25927977Eastern yurop eh? Where do you live? Also have you tried roll20? I had some good campaigns with it.I live in post soviet eastern yurop too.
>>25928030serbia, where are you from comrade?and no, but I'm looking it up right now
>>25928030this shit roll20 is pretty cool, too bad I have limmited internet acessneed to pay some debts before I can get internet.
>>25928065srbija pay denbts
>>25928058Ukraine >>25928065Yeah it's pretty good, but parties tend to be late and fuck up because well in IRL you kinda feel bad for fucking up and party will be madIn online if you fuck up you don't care, it's just onlineyou could just leave group and never come again
>>25917183bwahahahahaha I love doing that to railroadersthere was this one moron who kept wanting me to go trough some sorta corss-dimensional portal to a werewolf dimension which was xXxEdGyxXx it'd basically go like I try to do any quest at all and it ends with HURR THE PORTUL OPENS U BETTER GO TROUGH IT TO FINISH THE QUESTFinally, when I and the party ended up in the ultra edgy werewolf universe I took my dagger to my throat and exited the house.fuck railroaders.
>playing a 3.5 game>halfling rogue, human fighter, human ranger, dwarf cleric and half Orc barb all level two>investigating Orc camp that loosely resembles Razor Hill from WoW>listen check reveals two large humanoids approaching>everyone hides, rogue makes move silently check>rolls a 1>falls on face>lv 3 ogre barb and lv 2 ogre (mini bosses) turn corner and see halfling>attack of opportunity >both ogres crit dealing 122 damage in total>party disposes of ogres>adventure continues as player rerolls his new human paladin>new character is introduced ic by opening a still moving body bag>not wearing armor>Orc barb warboss finds us along with two lackeys>"he attacks the unarmored target">ffs>crits paladin for 36 >memorial service held for halfling and paladin
>party joins a militia>senior officer runs them through a bootcamp>barbarian fucks up all his rolls>officer demands that he drop and give him twenty>barbarian rolls a nat 20>barbarian gets promoted
>friend running fallout based table-top game>party consists of a repair man/scientist with energy weapons (me), a robobrain with both big/small gun skills and meele weapons (tank) and a smooth talker with speech, barter and sneak>the plot was basically helping a town flourish, called NukER, derived from a broken 'Nuka-Cola' sign>just as clean water was established + radiation filters for all the houses>next task was to find the GECK (Garden of Eden Creation Kit)>vertibirds out of fucking nowhere, landing right in the middle of the town>enclave netting who they can and killing others>town leader, a child of communist spies>always wears a pre-war gasmask, few people know his face and a military jacket over that>he outfits his officers the same way>paranoid as shit about conspiracies>starts shooting at enclave with his gauss rifle, me and the flirt whore scramble behind a building as we only have combat armor MK I>stupid robot stands and shoots, but he can't wear armor and his bucket-body counts as metal armor MKII>kills like 3 enclave soldier before his body is destroyed>brain-tank still intact>3 more vertibirds flying towards town>plasma pistol in my hand, still cowering behind corner>'fuck it, we are gonna die anyway'>shoot one of the three vertibirds>nat 20>DM: "you hit the propeller, and the vertibird crashes into the other two airborne>the vertibirds falling on the city, flattening many citizens and enclave alike>one vertibird still right in front of city>Redwing (the gasmask-mayor guy) hijacks the vertibird, somehow knowing how to fly the fucking thing hurr>flies off>town in fucking chaos, need to find a new body for the robot and we don't know wtf to docont.
>>25928618cont.>BoS base>Redwing got captured by them because they want vertibird>we managed to get BoS power armor and snuck in, steal a shit load of blueprints on weapons and shit and free him>four of us look trough BoS database and find enclave base>too lazy to finish this story so gonna cut to the end>3 of us (Redwing rescued his people and abandoned us, leaving the robot with the gauss gun>BBEG is 30 enclave soldiers armed with plasma rifles>come the fuck on>kill 23 of them and finally get meltedend.any of you guys have stories where you fail at the BBEG?
>>25886530>fisty-cupsIs this a meme I don't know about? The word is fisticuffs.
>>25887840That was pretty damn funny.