YOU are the hundreds of ancient spirits that dwell within this MAGIC SWORD that has been found by... SOME GUY, I GUESS???We'll get to him later, for now you must introduce yourself to him, YES, MAGIC SWORD, DECLARE YOUR MAGIC SWORD NAME TO THIS MORTAL WHO YOU HAVE been found completely at random byCHOSEN TO WIELD YOU
>>25662796You tell this MERE MORTAL that you are LILARCOR, MIGHTY MAGIC SWORD OF MAGICHe says that's real cool, but he just came down here to the Wizard Academy basement to grab a totally different sentient magical artifact, and you were in the way. So he's just gonna grab that and sorta put you back in your pedestal.FUCKNOT AGAIN
OFFER HIM UNLIMITED POWER AND COMPLETE GLOBAL SATURATION, SHOULD HE DARE TO KEEP US.Reminds me of that Summer Quest, I miss it.
mindrape him into being the chosen onefuck ethics, we have to save the world
>>25662865Order him to bring you to someone able to recognize our splendor, threaten to behead him if he doesn't.
>>25662762Contort your face in furious and impossible ways in an attempt to brain-rape him with your hideous visage.
>>25662920so we have a face?
You offer him UNLIMITED POWER if he keeps you!He says you're in the hall of sentient artifacts, he had to walk past at least one mirror pretending to be a dead relative and one evil genie just to get here, what can you offer?You try to make some faces to trick him, the gleam of your blade is kind of face-like you guess? He ain't buying it.You ask him to take you to someone who can recognize your GLORY, or else you'll behead him. He says you don't seem to be able to do much, other than wobble a little, but you know what, sure, yeah, whatever. Where to? A blacksmith? A wizard? Maybe some paladin?
Rolled 13 + 3>>25663001Paladin. WE SHALL TURN HIM.
He takes you to see a blackguard wizard or maybe a paladin, goldsmith if all else fails. However, you find a big spooky skeleton in the doorway. A nasally screeching voice bellows from his general area.>"STEP ASIDE MORTAL, I HAVE COME TO DESTROY THE CRYSTAL OF TERRA AND USHER IN A NEW ERA OF SORROW AND MISERY"
>>25663173Tell him to tell him to fuck off. If he dies, we get a better host.
>>25663173Try to anger the skeleton into killing the MERE MORTAL so we are chosen by SKELETOR
>>25663173>>25663185>>25663217mimic the mortal's voice into saying his momma so fat that she needs her own cemetaryor something like that
You tell your carrier to tell this skeleton to fuck off.A command he gladly obliges, explaining that as a student of Wizard Academy (and a human being that doesn't want to be enslaved by demons) he cannot allow any harm to fall upon the Crystal of Terra!The skeleton tells you that's the funniest shit he's ever heard.>"HA HA HA, SERIOUSLY, I KILLED LIKE, TWO HUNDRED WIZARDS ON THE WAY IN HERE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO"
oops i forgot the image
>>25663293>>25663309cleave his smug fucking face offthen grind his bones into powder to sell on the black market
>>25663293"This."Then assume direct control and stab him to death.
>>25663309Provoke the fight and use your magic powers to make SOME GUY lose and join skeletor.
>>25663309Tell the wizard apprentice that the appearance of the skeleton was no mere coincidence. After he removed you from your pedestal, he set off a series of events on a scale of epic proportions and that the world as he knows it is in mortal peril.He must aid you on your quest to save the world to undo the damage that he has done (or give the sword to someone more qualified as it doesn't really matter WHO saves the world).
You explain to the apprentice that the skeleton was summoned by him removing you from your pedestal! Without your interference and his help the world will soon come to an end! This is of course, complete bullshit.It doesn't matter! You have a plan, QUICKLY, BEFORE THE SKELETON CAN REACT, SLICE HIS FACE OFF GO GO GOIt seems you have more control than initially thought as you wrench free of the apprentice's grip and cleave the monster's face right off! HA HA
>>25663293Explain to the Skeleton that he is merely a figment of our imagination and that everything he knows is a lie. If we die he will cease too exist. However if he joins us, we will be able to make him a separate entity from ourselves and give him actual purpose and life.
>>25663438Or cut his face off, that works too.
>>25663438mindrape the skeleton
>>25663438Tell the apprentive to pick up the face we cut off and bring it with him, we will need it for later.
You prepare to hit the skeleton with another strike, possibly a psychic one?However, you then remember that (other than the power of speech) you aren't really psychic, and have pretty much no autonomy at all when you're not being wielded.You don't know how you keep forgetting that last part, it's pretty important.You shout to the apprentice, QUICKLY, PICK UP THAT SKELETON'S FACE, WE NEED IT
>>25663506Remind him to pick us up as well
>>25663563And put on his new skeleton mask.
He picks you up and the skull-face. He asks what the plan is now?You tell him to put on his new skeleton mask!>"what"
>>25663588Tell him that there are many other skeletons now coming towards your location, if he takes on the mask then he can pretend to be one of them and follow them for clues.I wonder if the skeletons are actually that dumb.
Scream:DO IT! DO IT NOW PUSSY!
>"DO IT! DO IT NOW PUSSY!"He does it, affixing it with... magic, you guess.He tells you that for a magic artifact, you're kind of a whiny bitch.Deeper in the hall, you hear something like glass breaking.
>>25663663Go look if they are one of our new skeleton friends and ask them what our objective is.If they wonder why we can't remember, point out that you don't have a brain
You look and you find the skeleton looking triumphant next to the ruins of that green ball thing.>"HA HA, I, BONE-ICLES, HAVE DONE IT! I HAVE DESTROYED THE CRYSTAL OF TERRA"The apprentice asks why he would do that?! AS HIS FELLOW SKELETON, HE FEELS HE SHOULD KNOW>"YOU'RE NOT A SKELETON, YOU'RE JUST WEARING MY FACE, ASSHOLE"
>>25663795>Same skeleton that we cut the face off of earlier>they destroyed an important magical artifactWell, fuck.Try to absorb the energy of the Crystal of Terra into yourself! Make sure to stay in contact with the apprentice so we can use him as a floodgate if things get too bad.
>>25663795Eat the crystal.
>>25663955>>25663939Well, seems we have decided, tell the apprentice to stab you into the crystal before its too late
YOU TELL HIM TO BRING YOU CLOSER, SO YOU CAN ABSORB THE ENERGIES OF THE CRYSTAL WHICH IS A GOOD IDEAHe tells you that's a horrible idea, because we don't know if that world work, HE DOESN'T KNOW IF YOU'RE EVIL OR NOT, and there's a big scary monster guy in the way.
>>25663996Point out that the big scary monster guy has no face and cant see shit, and that obviously the energy of the crystal ball is crucial in the job of saving the universe, and that we can't let it go to waste!!!
>>25664034>>25663795Wait! How did he know we were wearing his face as a mask? Can he see through the mask as well? Quick, face the mask towards a wall and watch as he stumbles around blindly!
The apprentice sets his face down in a corner, theorizing that that's how he sees! He then runs forward to stab you into the crystal's energies! OBVIOUSLY THE SKELETON IS BLIND NOW, BECAUSE SKELETONS NEED EYES TO SEERevealing that skeletons, creatures that lack eyes, do not need eyes (imaginary or otherwise) to see, Bone-icles kicks the apprentice in the gut, and you go flying.
slap his face, and say.Do it faggot
>>25664152Tell him you were sorry about cutting his face off and that if he puts you into the ball of crystal energy you can glue it back on.
You go flying indeed.RIGHT INTO THE MAGIC ENERGIES OF THE CRYSTAL OF TERRA HA HA YEAHYou can feel yourself absorbing the energies of the First Seal, you can now banish monsters!
>>25664186>>25664224Well scratch that, we are no longer sorry.Tell the skeleton to become our minion or we will banish him to the nethers
>>25664224Say, "Wield me!" Do not specify who is to wield you.
That apprentice was such a smartass anyways, lets use the skeleton and go raid a holy temple or something.
YOU DEMAND SOMEBODY WIELD YOUBone-icles wishes to know why you interrupted his game of squish this dude
>>25664404Well maybe he should WIELD US TO FIND OUT?
You suggest he WIELD YOU AND MAYBE FIND OUT WHAT YOUR DEAL IS HMMM?He says he has a way better idea, and that's stabbing you with the giantest sword** - sword he stole from a giantess
>>25664496Tell him that you are made out of the hardest metal known to man, even harder than diamonds, and that it will have no effect on you.If he truly wishes to rule the world, he should have an adequate weapon (Like you) by his side, and that oversized swords have a tendency to bring depression and self-loathing over time.
>>25664512Skelletor we are made of MAGIC. We cannot be destroyed by any known blade.
You tell him you're magic and unbreakable as FUCKHe tests it, and finds your claims somewhat validated as you sustain no damage.Ha, now you remember why you're magic! Other than the voices and talking or whatever, you have the power to take the form of any weapon you are struck with! Ha, yeah, that is pretty cool huh?
>>25664576Now he has NO reason not to wield us!
Bone-icles is just trying to compensate for his inadequate SKELE-DICK.Those skeleton bitches back home are all like "OH, BONE-ICLES IS TOTALLY OVER COMPENSATING"It's hurting his game. stunting his flow. We can help him with da bony bitches.
Bone-icles reattaches his face, and considers this.Indestructibility and shapeshifting are pretty cool things for a weapon to do.VERY WELL
>>25664576"how about a DOUBLE GIGANT SWORDS?!"
Bone-icles holds you up in the air triumphantly!NOW NOBODY CAN STOP HIM
We BANISH THE FUCK OUT OF that faggy apprentice who couldn't realize how GLORIOUS WE ARE.Fucking douchenozzle, bout to get banished all the way TO THE BANK.
Is this when we banish his shit, or when we tell him to stab the apprentice for being so insufferable and not picking us up first.
>>25664691why dont we banish both of the faggots?
>>25664751You want to be stuck in the goddamn basement for another three centuries? I sure as fuck don't.I suggest we banish the shitty apprentice, skeletor is sure to have more exciting adventures.
>>25664767Skeletor probably wont be able to leave the basement.It's in our interest to keep apprentice alive. Banish Skeletor
Kill the apprentice for being a useless twat
Fine, lets kill the apprentice, THEN banish skeletor, and wait for the apprentices teacher to come and check why his apprentice is taking so long.
>>25664844OR WE DON'T GET TRAPPED IN THIS ROOM FOR EVEN LONGER.IF WE KILL EVERYONE, THEN WE ARE STUCK HERE YOU ASSBAGS.
>>25664844Tell the skeletor to kill the kid, and put us on the remais of the crystal. then we banish him. and wait....
So how about we just shut up and let skeletor do whatever he wants to do with the apprentice and move out of this basement.
>>25664691Banish the shit out of that skeleton. His face belongs to us now and he does not deserve to wear it.
You just remembered another power you totally have, you can freeze time!Like completely, you can't even move.But you can think.Think and consider your options.On the one hand, Bone-icles wants to take over the world, which means you know, ROAD TRIPOn the other hand, the apprentice probably doesn't want you anyway, and if you banish Bone-icles he can't really just you here, so he might just bring you topside and give you to some valiant hero.Plus you're not sure you can banish humans.
>>25665044Can Bone-clis leave the baswement?
>>25665044The concensus was to fuck over the apprentice and go with Bone-icles from what I have gathered.
>>25665044Who cares if we can banish the apprentice, we are a goddamn sword. We have other ways of dealing with problems.Just let skeletor do his thing and lets go on that glorious road trip.If some valiant hero cuts down skeletor we can just tell him he took us against our will, us being immobile and all.
>>25665044Wait just a goddamn minute. I can fly. Why the fuck should I give a shit about these two dickwhistlers, when I can just float the fuck out of this place?Also, we should somehow get Marrow for Brains's face. Thus we can become the dread SWORDFACE!
>>25665132It has been quite firmly established that we cannot fly. We can kind of force someone to drop us in a direction? But if we could fly, we wouldn't have been in the cellar for CENTURIES.
>>25665044We make Bone-man tip his hand slightly and use all of our weight to cleave him directly in faggot half. Then we bargain with the apprentice retard.LOOK HERE SLUT. OBVIOUSLY YOUR WIZARD TEACHER FUCKER DIDN'T WARN YOU ABOUT HALF THE SHIT DOWN HERE SO HE OBVIOUSLY WANTED YOU TO STUMBLE ONTO SOMETHING. NOW YOU CAN GO GET YOUR WISH TWISTED AROUND BY THAT FUCKER GENIE OVER THERE OR LOSE YOUR SOUL TO THE ATTENTION WHORE MIRROR. OR YOU CAN BE THE BIGGEST BADDEST MOTHERFUCKING WIZARD WITH A SWORD SINCE GANDALF.I'M A +5 SWORD BITCH WITH INNATE BANISH AND TIME STOP AND I DON'T STEAL INCHES OFF YOUR DICK FOR USING ME EITHER. FUCKING PICK ME UP, MARCH UPSTAIRS AND LETS GO MAKE YOU ASTRALNET FAMOUS.
>>25665120WE COULD DO THAT, but we could also turn this apprentice kid into a big muscle wizard, and then he can go lich and then he'll have a bigger boner than bonercules here.
Guys...Theres also the issue of us being too big for the apprentice to even lift.
>>25665225But why turn the shitty apprentice into a badass hero when we can go with skeletor who will have badass heroes CHASING after him in droves. Then we just pick one of them and play "the magical sword in distress kidnapped by the big bad evil guy" card
>>25665044We go with skeletor. IT will be more fun.
>>25665258I GUESS.Lets put his face back on and then go challenge heroes and shit then.
I vote road triiiiip!
WELP, SUCKS TO BE YOU KIDAlright, so now we've killed a dude. Where to next skeleton ed?He suggests you both return to the Council of Evil, so you and your evil cohorts may work out a scheme to take down the other three seals and begin a new age of suffering.
>>25665465YES! YEEEES! We must absorb the power of all the seals!To the council of evil we go!
>>25665452Does he have any cool minions at the council? Maybe like those.guys?
>>25665452where is that from?"
>>25665519Attack the block.Their fur is pure black, like proppa black black.
>>25665465FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS.GET US A SHEATHE SO YOU DON'T FUCKING RUIN OUR FINISH. ALSO GET ALL THIS FUCKING BLOOD OFF ME, CHRIST IS IT DISGUSTING.THIS KID TASTES DIABETIC.and then we can do whatever you want skeleton man, I mean I'm up for anything.
>>25665582>indestructable morphing blade>needing a sheathI agree with the blood though. Fuck that kid stinks.
>>25665582>>25665618Yeah, then to the Council such that we might manipulate them and absorb the power for ourselves.
Upon transforming a few times to shake the blood off (sort of like a dog) you are sheathed and head out to the Council of Evil, and you ask about what minions Bone-icles has.>"HAHAHA, MINIONS? YOU THINK THE FIRST BOSS GETS MINIONS, WE HONESTLY DIDN'T EXPECT ME TO SUCCEED, THIS WAS PART OF AN ELABORATE META-PLOY THAT WOULD RESULT IN SOME HERO DESTROYING THE WORLD BY ACCIDENT BY HAVING EACH STEP OF HIS QUEST TURN OUT TO BE PART OF AN ANCIENT RITUAL! THAT'S OKAY THOUGH, WE'VE GOT A PLAN B. I ASSUME."
>>25665740Too bad they forgot to take the dickish sword in the academy basement into account, or they surely would have succeeded!
>>25665740"First boss? MORE LIKE RECURRING CHARACTER WHO ENDS UP BEING THE END-BOSS."Bone-icles, you need more confidence. Together, we shall destroy all who oppose us!
>>25665740First Boss?Listen Boney, you gotta have some more self-confidence.I'm gonna help ya out, aight? Let's get to them Council types and see what the deal is, then we gots to get you some LEVELS, dog.
Ohh, and sorry about that whole cutting your face off business.
>>25665618I think it should look like this.
>>25665949bulge not big enough
You apologize for cutting off his face.He says it's no big deal, the thing just snaps back on.He enters the Council of Evil, hey, everyone's here!>"HEY HEY FELLOW VILLAINS, GUESS WHO JUST DESTROYED THE CRYSTAL OF TERRA AND GOT A MAGIC SWORD"They seem surprised by his return.>"THIS GUY"
>>25665977We're being modest, clearly our dick is as long as the sheathe itself.
>>25665984That guy in the yellow pants looks BRO AS FUCK.
Get skelebro to introduce us to our new friends.
>>25665984SUP, COUNCIL OF EVIL.I, LILARCOR, INDESTRUCTIBLE, INTELLIGENT, SHAPE-CHANGING SWORD OF TIME STOPPING, HEREBY REQUEST ENTRANCE TO YOUR CLUB OF EVIL.
>>25666129Nono, thats rude anon. We allow skeletor to introduce us for him.
>>25665949>>25665977IS THIS BETTER?
>>25666186No, I was happy with the tux. That just looks flamboyant.
>>25666146Fine. Please note that in the interest of politeness I DID chance "DEMAND" to "REQUEST."I don't think it's particularly impolite to ask permession. But whatevs.
>>25666241Yes, it was a polite self-introduction and fitting of an evil mastermind, but we don't want to hog all of the spotlight, poor skeletor just came back from a succesful mission.
>>25666268Aah, I get it. Let skeletor introduce us.
Bone-icles first introduces you to Bo-Sero, Master of the 1000 Whispering Fists, leader of a huge clan of ninja... even though he's a monk, whatever.>"HEY BO, CHECK OUT OUT THIS TALKING MAGIC SWORD I GOT">"Bones, I don't know how you expect me to care about a sword, I don't use blades man. It's against the faith.">"I DIDN'T SEE YOU MENTIONING FAITH WHEN YOU KILLED YOUR SENSEI">"Eeyyyy!">"NYAH">"Ah, go ahead man, you leave a lot of clean-up for my crew at the Wizard Academy?">"OH MAN, TONS, BE SURE TO SEND YOUR GUYS TO THE BASEMENT, FYI">"Yeah alright man."
>>25666370Good, lets continue to play the role of unimportant talking magical sword.Let them think we are a tool to be used, we can just bide our time as we gather the magical seals.If one of them piss us off, we could always banish them.Next evil mastermind up!
>>25666370Hey Bonesey, whos that hotty with the body?
>>25666370Don't be stepping munk face, or I'll cut you!
Next up, Bs'klil, mind flayer! Flowmancer! MAGIC SAVANT Also a schemer if ever there was one.>"BS'KLIL, CHECK IT, A MAGIC TALKING SWORD.">"Bone-icles, remember that time Bo-sero brought back a golem that turned out to be possessed by a dead cleric?""Super sorry about that still!">"...look, let me alignment check that thing."
>>25666592So, are we chaotic evil or chaotic neutral?
>>25666592Whoa shit! Be chaotic neutral, fast!
>>25666638We haven't thought a single positive thought since we woke up from our slumber, I see no reason why we can't ping evil on his detectometer
I think Chaotic is a given.It's fuzzy for evil or neutral.We are incredibly self serving, and have thus far sided with whoever looks strongest.But we are also all about murdering the weak.I am inclined to say CE, but the argument stands for CN.
>>25666732We even plan on backstabbing the evil council after they have served our own goals for global domination, of course we are evil.
>>25666761On the other hand, we were just as willing to serve a hero of justice and then kill him when he met someone we deemed even stronger.
He conducts his test.>"Hmm... I'm getting a shit-ton of chaos offa this guy, a little bit of evil. Almost... TOO MUCH CHAOS AND EVIL, either he cast Hide Alignment on himself, or he just finished some kind of character creation personality test thing... since he doesn't have hands, I'd bet on the latter. Alright Lilarcor, I'm okay with ya on a trial run."
>>25666861Nice to meet ya.
Rolled 1>>25666861Say hi to the sexy demon chick. Wait, do we find her sexy? We could be into other swords and shit, and we could get us a fine, slim rapier.
>>25666963>rapierWhat are you, gay?We want a girl with a lot of metal on her hilt. One who isn't afraid to get messy in the sheath, if you know what I mean.Maybe someone exotic, like a scythe...
>>25667030>scytheThat's as bad as bestiality. A scythe is a FARM TOOL. Let's at least aim for epee in terms of basic standards, okay?
>>25667052Not playing a farm paladin with tallents in apothecary and animal handling who forgot to put skills in a weapon.I'm not sure u guys know what your doing
>>25667100We are playing a super chaotic evil indestructable transforming blade.
>>25667052A WARSCYTHE, you maniac. You don't see humans going into zoos to fenagle with apes, you don't see us going with other scraps of metal. Any similarity is superficial and typically just in the name.I had ASSUMED we were aware of warscythes.
And this, is Beliadara.I don't think she has a nickname.>"Careful with that Bones! That thing can banish monsters, by the way THANKS FOR MENTIONING THAT BS'!""It was part of the fine print! What, did you want me to tell you what kind of sword polish he uses too?""Do I count as a monster?""NO!"
>>25667154OP your dialogue is confuse.
>>25667195it's a conversation in the background between bs'klil and bo-seroI WAS BEING EXPERIMENTALand it failed, which is fine, THAT'S AN ACCEPTABLE SIDE-EFFECT OF BEING EXPERIMENTAL
>>25667144Then why didn't you say fauchard, for the sake of clarity? But still, those sort are often just converted farm scythes. Don't you think it's a bit... degrading to associate with those types? I'd rather go with the rapier or falchion.
>>25667224I managed to gather that, but in the future, mention who is saying what.I imagine Bo and Klil have different enough voices to distinguish them.
>>25667224No problem, next time just mention it ahead of time.
>>25667233i vote for chainsaw
So, now that we have all been introduced, what is the next part of our plan?
>>25667286only if the teeth for the chainsaw are mini vibrating axes.
>>25667233now a falchion is a decent choice. But a rapier? really?I bet if you were a human you would like those girls with penises.
>"FYI, I'm psychic as hell. You naughty sword you."oh jeez
>>25667323I'm not a /d/egenerate! Don't be turned off by the name, rapiers can still be quite effeminate.How about a falx? That's a bit of a compromise.
>>25667359Well then, what's YOUR favorite weapon?
>>25667359Quest over.That image won.>the lipstick on the chainsaw>the southern farmgirl hair on the scythe>the pink bow on the rapier.I can't decide what I love more.>Lilarcor blushingWHELP.Sides have reached critical mass
>>25667359She knows we want to fuck.Quick, put on our seduction sheathe!
>>25667317we have a deal.chainAXEsaw mode engaged
>>25667359Kindly inform her that if she ever feels the need, our hilt is up for the job
You ask what HER favorite weapon is!>"There's not better weapon than the mind, Lilarcor."
>better banish her to maintain our secretAlso, since she's reading our thoughts. We think about what it would be like to breath manually and what having a tongue in our mouth would feel like.
>"Alright, now that we're all friends let's get started on our plan! OUR PLAN TO DESTROY THE CRYSTAL OF AQUA"
>>25667551What about a weapon with a mind?I mean, surely that would be even better.
NEXT TIMEprobably this friday at some point
>>25667551she only say it cuz she hasnt introduced to theCHAIN/AXE/SAW
>>25667690>>25667285i love you
I'll be here for the next thread OP, cya around and good night.
I am typically of the anti-quest thread school of /tg/, but this was a kind of dumb fun. Thanks OP.
*roundabout starts playing*