>>24887437
I can't discuss this topic without vomiting uncontrollably. Sorry, OP.

With ale and beef in a tavern

>>24887437
It's pretty damn important in one of my games. Our necromancer used it as one of the bases of his business empire. I could tell you the story if you're interested.

>>24887493

Beef would be very rare ( no pun intended ) in a traditional tavern.

>>24888521
according to your vast knowledge of fantasy/imaginary lands or your in depth investigations into the history of beef in taverns ?

>>24888487
STORY TIME !

>>24888582
more common sense, beef in our medieval( and really till probably fifty years ago) was something that was incredibly hard to get ahold of. Consider how long it takes to grow a cow versus a chicken. On the other hand, things such as cheese and milk products were far easier to get ahold of.

>>24888582
Not that guy, but cured meat was far more common than fresh meat.

On the other hand, 'tavern' historically was an establishment for use by travelers, not just a bar, and thus usually equipped to suit the higher-class people who would be traveling, so beef probably wasn't out of the question.

>>24888630
I have no idea what you think is common sense but if you'd hand me your wallet I'd be happy to help you out with any problems you may have in there... Its ok, I'm a wallet inspector.

>>24888487
>if you're interested.
Of course we are

>>24888592
>>24888815
All right. I'm not sure how interesting this story is, but I'll go ahead and tell it. The core of the party in my longest-running D&D is a necromancer. Now, one of the first things he did was obtain the find familiar spell (he may actually have started with the spell and just needed to get the eleven secret herbs and spices necessary to cast it, I don't remember). He tossed the herbs on the brazier, chanted the word of mystic power, the player rolled on the table, and out trundled a a smell, disgusting rat.

He couldn't have been happier. The wizard named him Marty.

Now, going in, he didn't really know much about how to take care of rats, but he knew that they were supposed to like cheese, so he made a point to get hold of cheese wherever he went and share it with his beloved Marty.

This necromancer developed an interest in cooking in a rather roundabout way. You see, he had the anatomy proficiency and, in fact, had the anatomist kit from the Complete Book of Necromancers. In order to make a small amount of extra money, keep his skills sharp, and learn about the anatomies of different animals, he began working as a butcher from time to time. It also help explain his need for a bloodstained apron and assortment of extremely sharp knives. It had the added benefit of giving him a way to dispose of excess monster body parts (that is, those he didn't preserve for future study and use).

>>24888853
Well, before long, this necromaner had a bit of business going, but the truth was, although he greatly enjoyed the process of butchery (which wasn't really proper butchery the way he did it; it was more of a dissection), and, using his herbalism and maybe a couple other proficiencies (he later picked up the cooking proficiency) and collected recipes from across the world in his adventures, he simply wasn't all that inspired by meat.

Cheese, on the other hand, was a subject of great interest to him. He enjoyed it considerably and over the years, he and Marty became accomplished cheese connoisseurs. They had sampled cheeses from all over the land and became very adept at judging them, so much so that they could have worked as a professional cheesemonger in a large city had they been so inclined and had they not been so creepy and disgusting.

In time, he learned to make cheese of his own. He invested some of the loot that he had acquired in his adventures in some sheep and goats (and later some cattle, as well; he is currently trying to acquire some buffalo and other, even more exotic creatures) and set up a cheese making operation.

Now, being a necromancer, he had certain advantages that mundane cheese makers do not. Undead are rather poor choices of herders, but they can be used to protect herds from bandits and predators. And while a goat will not allow itself to be milked by a skeleton, skeletons able to perform many of the menial tasks of cheese production.

>>24889155
Now, cheese making, requires a large amount of milk and, if you want to do it well, a good deal of specialized equipment and unusual substances (rennet, acid, and the like). As I indicated, he took care of these with the small fortune he had accumulated through his adventures. It also requires a good deal of labor. This need he satisfied through a combination of employing locals and (quietly) providing his own corps of loyal worker. But he still needed a good place to age the cheese. Fortunately, he was able to come up with just the place.

Early in his adventuring career, he had cleared out a number of caves, ruins, and catacombs, and had always meant to go back and make sure they had not become bandit dens or some such, anyway. So it was that he set about returning to the nearby dungeons he had cleared in the past and repurposing them for cheese production. He cleaned them, rebuilt when necessary, fortified them against potential attacks, populated them with undead servitors, and proceed to fill them with curds to age.

So here we have a rather sinister, certainly deranged man constructing fortified, undead-infested underground lairs, just as any villain would, but instead of doing so for the purpose of terrorizing the countryside, worshiping dark god, or hatching fell schemes, he was trying to establish a higher standard of cheese for the region and provide quality snacks for his best friend, who was a rat.

(got to take care of something, continued soon.)

>>24889479
I find this absolutely hilarious.

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>>24889479

>>24889479
All right, so he's got this cheese making operation. The thing about this necromancer, though, is he is not very patient. He's a hard worker and and is willing to devote literally insane amounts of time and effort to really odd and kind of pointless things, but he doesn't like idly waiting. And the production of cheese, particularly high quality hard cheese, requires a lot of waiting.

However. he heard a rumor that the master cheese makers of the halfling race possessed magics that would allow them to do in weeks or months what would ordinarily take years (these rumors were true; it's an actual magic item published in an obscure section of a moderately unpopular book that TSR actually put out).

So it was that this master of the black arts set out for the Great Shire that was considered the homeland of the halfling culture to learn the secrets of the master halfling agriculturists and food artisans. Now, it turns out that rural halflings are disinclined to trust weird, overtly creepy tallfolk wizards who carry around filthy, repulsive sewer rats, much less turn over their revered family recipes, hard-won trade secrets, and cherished magics to them.

>>24890625
In time, though, through a combination of heroic good deeds, genuinely endearing (if often inept) kindness and good manners, and the gift of large quantities of quality pipeweed, he was able to win the friendship of the bulk of the halfling community and learn much the secrets he sought, and many others, besides. What he could not win by friendship, he stole by guile or seized by force (secretly, of course).

Armed with this precious knowledge inscribed into his intermixed journals, sketches, notes, and spell formulae, he returned to his homeland and found that, after little profit in the first few years (since, as explained, it takes years for the quality cheeses to age), his business had developed a reputation for quality (largely on its own merits, but greatly accelerated by this necromancer's existing friendship with respected cheesemongers in the big cities of the setting) and was now turning a tidy profit. The magics he brought with him allowed him to greatly expand his operation, producing large quantities of relatively inexpensive but high quality cheese that formed the bulk of his trade, continuing the production of short ripening cheeses as usual, but completely eliminated the normal production of mid term ripening cheeses in his dungeons, instead using the halfling magic to produce them at a greatly accelerated rate. His cheese catacombs were reserved for the ripening of his premium line of cheeses.

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>>24887437
Extensively.

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>>24890918
Here's a more bigger version.

>>24890908
Now, by this point, he'd reached a pretty high level and it was high time for him to build his stronghold. I figured he;d construct a wizard tower or some such in cheese country, but he had other ideas.

For this next bit to make sense, there are a couple of other things you need to understand about this character. First of all, as an adjunct to his alchemical studies (which was yet another interest of his), he had naturally become acquainted with the technology of distillation. This eventually led him to develop skill at the more general art of brewing, simply so he could have another practical application for his knowledge (making brandies and strong spirits and such). He had helped found a couple of small-scale breweries, wineries, and distilleries. In fact, one of his dungeons was used to age liquor rather than ripen cheese. His products (the ones that had by then seen market; some he was still waiting on a lot of them) were of high quality simply because he held them to the same high standards to which he held all of his endeavors, and were relatively well regarded, but had nowhere near the scale of production the cheeses had. This changed somewhat when he put the brewers in contact with a tribe of orcs whose culture he and the party fighter had ruined (which is something I can tell you about if you wish). In an effort to improve the lot of this orc tribe, he gave them access to a number of resources, which included both hops and grape vines.

Always. Oddly enough the only known export of the town my character hails from for my LARP is cheese.

Yes, the character and town were intended as a joke. The town is literally named Thud. But it kind of took off just as this batshit crazy guy whose family is part goblin.

The newer players don't like it much but the guys who've been around for a while seem to love how I refuse to drop stupid character even in the face of doom. There will be a day when I meet the devil and all I'll have to ask him is what sort of cheddar he thinks will go best with the whiskey at his wake.

>>24891259
Like I say, he put the brewers in contact with the folks he'd put in charge of this orc tribe's administration (which is something they now had) and promptly forgot about it (the deal, that is; the orc tribe was an ongoing pet project of his that required occasional supervision and tampering). The brewers, however, were quick to capitalize on the offer and had now, independent of the PCs, established a label that was quickly gaining popularity locally.

The next thing you need to know is that the party had long-standing contacts in the spice trade. Some of their early jobs had been security on merchant caravans and their travels had taken them to distant lands where often spices (and other foods) were produced. Being PCs, they were always looking for ways to make money, and they quickly realized that spices often had very high value for their weight, could be easily separated into small amounts and so sold off or given as gifts or bribes in small quantities if necessary (unlike jewels), and had the obvious practical application of making food more palatable (particularly meat that had gone a bit off). So, they took to speculating on spices. This only became more true once bags of holding became involved. This behavior was much more typical of the other party members than the necromancer, but it is nonetheless important.

>>24891582
The last bit of background you need to know is that, as I believe I stated earlier, the necromancer made a point to learn as much as he could about the local cuisine (both common and, if possible, noble) wherever he went.

So, anyway, this necromancer comes back and restructures his cheese business and before too long, he's making good money. But that was never the goal. It wasn't enough to produce merely this cheese. He had to share it with the world.

So, he says that he wants to establish a base of operations. Now, again, I figured he'd convert one of the forgotten tombs he'd recaptured into a base or build a tower like a normal wizard. Instead, he tells me that he wants to open a high class tavern in the city. I ask him if he's sure, and he replies that he is. The city is really the only place where he can be assured that there will be a proper audience for his cheeses. Once they catch on there, he can start selling them across the realm and beyond.

That and the city is the one place that can provide a steady stream of bodies for his dissections and experiments without people getting too suspicious. The rogue chimes in that he wouldn't mind having another safehouse in the city for his eventual thieves guild (more a band of spies and vigilantes, actually), and it's settled. So the necromancers drops a huge amount of gold that he's been saving up on some prime real estate, makes some renovations, and opens up his tavern.

>>24891882
Just so you don't feel alone, I at least am awaiting update with much anticipation.

>>24891921
Yeah same here, keep it coming, this has been most amusing

>>24891882
Now, this particular tavern was atypical in a few respects. First of all, its focus was obviously cheese. Second, rather than being a place for travelers to stay that serves some drink to and maybe some food, it was more like a modern restaurant/caterer. It didn't have a full menu like a proper restaurant, but did have different offerings almost every day and specific dishes available by special order in advance. Obviously, a place with a reputation for high quality, exotic, and specialized provender will attract the wealthy, but since the necromancer wanted to make sure that common people could get a taste his cheeses, he divided the large common area into three main sections.

The first offered basic, inexpensive fare, offered performers walk-in auditions, and was open to anyone. The second required paid membership and was more private. The food offered here was more expensive and exotic and was of higher quality. It also offered more organized gambling options and booked only known professional performers. The third area was a feast hall that could be hired out for private parties and special occasions. When no such events were booked, it was either closed off or, on busy nights, opened up to expand one of the other two areas.

>>24892145
The other big difference between this tavern and others was that this one's cellar was staffed by dessicated skeletons and had a secret subbasement that hosted weekly dissections of human bodies attended by a cabal of sinister men and women in dark robes. So, there's that.

>>24892195
So, that was that. The necromancer's tavern was a huge success. He has since used it as the cornerstone of his whole business empire. It is an industry that spans the region, with such diverse interests as farming (of grains, fruits, vegetables, and meats), brewing, and distilling. It offers food from across the known world and, more recently, beyond. It is intimately tied in with the ventures of the other party members, such as the rogues band of spies, information brokers, smugglers, and doers of good deeds and the barbarian's horse trading, smithing, and mercenary concerns. It has, in its time, effected the lives fortunes of men, halflings, orcs, and, most recently, dwarves (in a rather surprising fashion). It is an effort to bring the formerly unattainable to the common man. It is a front for a group of human ghouls who society at large would find repulsive were they aware of them.

Mostly, though, it is about cheese.

>>24892331
There are a couple of other things I could tell you about, such as how the orcs came to be vintners and hop growers, how the necromancer's cooking and the barbarian's ambition helped to reunite distant dwarf clans, what troubles have befallen the business over time, and what the party's newest (and grandest) project has been, but first I will have to take a break. I have some things I need to take care of.

>>24892419
>how the necromancer's cooking and the barbarian's ambition helped to reunite distant dwarf clans

This sounds intriguing.

What does the necromancer call is cheese?
Roquemort?

>>24892419
>I have some things I need to take care of.
CURSE YOU LIFE!

>>24892527
All right, I'm back, if anyone's still here. I can start with this one, though now that I think of it, in order for it to make sense, I'll have to explain what their latest big project is. Should I start on that?

>>24892662
That's a really good idea. I'll have to mention that to him.

>>24894235
Proceed, for the love of Pelor, Nerull, and Tenebrous, proceed.

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>>24894235
Still here.

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Still here.

>>24894235
Yes please, these stories are great.

>Elf Cleric: that's a pretty huge squad of ogres.
>Human Rogue: keep your head down.
>Halfling Ranger: maybe I can terrify them with a feat of strength
>Human Rogue: you're going to try to convince them the cheese you have is a stone and that you are so strong you can squeeze water from it, aren't you?
>Halfling Ranger: It has been done before.
>Human Rogue: You know what? Sure. Go for it. I'll hold your loot so they can't tell how over-burdened you are. Good luck!

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>>24894274
Sure. Now, the first thing you need to know is that all of the party members are moderately talented musician. None of them are bards and none of them are superlative, but they can hold their own. The necromancer is probably the poorest musician, but he's a pretty gifted composer. Pic related is his favorite instrument. In the real world it's a Tibetan instrument called a kangling or femur trumpet. It's exactly what it looks and sounds like. He's not that great at it compared to some other instruments and it tends to sound kind of crummy at the best of times, but he love the morbidity and transgression of the whole thing and, more importantly, likes to see human remains that would ordinarily just be wasted put to good use.

A bit more relevant is the fact that the very first proficiency he took after anatomy (even before healing and herbalism; he traded most of his bonus languages for nonweapon proficiencies) was artistic ability. He uses it mainly in his study of anatomy. He mainly sketches and draws, but he can paint very well when he wants to, although he does so slowly. He is a good, but once again slow-working, sculptor, as well. That's technically supposed to be at least two proficiencies, but I let him have it for one. The rogue is a very accomplished poet and writer, and the barbarian has a fascination with, among other things, maps and exploration. They're a very intellectual party.

>>24894635
I can tell. Sounds like a thinking man's party.

>>24894635
Incidentally, he taught Marty to dance. Being a rat, he's not very good, but he's highly amusing.

Anyway, a while back, they realized that they've reached a pretty high level. Which is to say that the characters took some time in the freaking mansion (albeit a run-down crappy one that they rented from some nobles who never used it anyway) and thought about their lives. This quickly turned to scheming, as these things always do with this party.

One of the necromancer's goals since the beginning has been to bring to the world the benefits that the study of the physical form brings. Now, this is not easy, as his studies are illegal or at least heavily stigmatized throughout the the world, on moral grounds in most civilized places and on superstitious grounds in uncivilized ones. Oddly, the only places he's been able to freely practice his craft have been in lands with civilized but cruel governments, and then only with state sponsorship. Unfortunately, he finds tyranny rather distasteful and chose not to keep the job. Therefore, he is part of a secret brotherhood of like-minded scholars, some of them wizards, some not, who make it their mission to aid one another in the study of knowledge that is forbidden, specifically the way creatures are put together, how they work, what separates things that are alive from things that are dead, etc.

>>24895090
>Vivisectionists society
Fuck I'm loving your world already.

>>24895090
One of his particular areas of interest is spreading knowledge in of anatomy to those who produce works of art so that they can decide whether they want to incorporate that knowledge into their work. He doesn't have any particular desire to impose his style on anyone, and he certainly doesn't seek fame, but he thinks that the best possible techniques and knowledge should be available to the greatest number of people so that they can do what they will to the fullest extent. He also has no qualms about sharing his view on artists whom he does not respect. As you may imagine, these two qualities are not entirely compatible. His honesty has done little to earn him respect and friendship in the art world. It does not help that he is, once again, a fucking creep.

Since very low levels, ever since he got the alter self spell, (change self was forbidden to necromancers back then, as I recall). When in large cities where professional artists can gain patronage, he has used his magic to assume the identity of a flamboyant artiste whose name is an anagram of his own name (which might have been a tipoff if anyone had known who he was back then).

>>24895430

He began conning a prominent courtier, the equivalent of a modern art critic. Now, back then necromancers couldn't cast charm person nor indeed any enchantment/charm spell, so had to do it the old fashioned way. He bribed his way in to see the guy bearing art that he personally despised but was specifically formulated to appeal to the man's sensibilities. Very safe, pedestrian stuff, but very well made. As I recall, he may have hired a forger to create a letter of reference, too. It ended up not mattering, though. Despite the fact that the the necromancer was a terrible actor (the character, not the player), the courtier failed every. Single. Check. To see through the deception. Through sheer luck and balls, the necromancer's plan had succeeded. I ruled that the courtier was simply too proud to admit that he had never heard of this clearly accomplished artist. He could never confess that there was anything about the art world that he did not know.

Soon, the artist was introduced amongst the salons as a renowned painter from a neighboring duchy and his art displayed as the height of fashion. No one else was willing to admit that they hadn't heard of the fellow either. That would have made them look highly unfashionable. His bizarre behavior (from his innate weirdness and poor acting ability) was written off as the eccentricity of a temperamental genius.

>>24895563
In time the artist's reputation became genuine. At first, he created art that was highly consumable, but gradually began to alter his style so that it was in line with his true sensibilities. And his style began to catch on.

Notably, he gained renown and, more importantly, influence in artistic circles and he happily passed along his techniques and sketches, only to periodically disappear for long stretches, no doubt to study and practice his trade in some other prestigious environs. In reality, of course, he was doing battle with cultists and ghouls in forsaken ruins and planning out how he might better acquire cheese to feed his stinking, filth-encrusted rodent friend, but no one needed to know that. He had found a way to exert the influence he needed without having to endure fame or popularity.

As I have indicated previously, he had adventures all over the known world, and aside from learning all that he could about local cooking practices, he learned and recorded information about the arts and music practiced by various nations. In time, he had contacts throughout most all of the lands he traveled.

This would look great on a fantasy business card.

Necromancer, Renaissance Man

>>24895778
Which brings us back to that broken down, drafty, leaky mansion. He was always eager to move on to a new scheme or project and he hit upon the idea to begin a sort of artists collective. He began to compose letters to the various contacts he had made over the years inviting them to come or else send an apprentice or journeyman to be put up in the mansion, the idea being that they would come together and pool their artistic skills and knowledge. They would share what they knew, take what they pleased, and come away richer for the experience.

Well, it wasn't long before the rogue got wind of this and smelled an opportunity. Why should they stop there? The necromancer was always saying that he wanted to spread knowledge and empower people. Why should this process be limited to artistic endeavors? Why should they not do the same with medicine, navigation, natural philosophy, alchemy, and all other such studies? Perhaps even skill at arms and the practice of magic. What they needed, the rogue said, was not a collective, but a university!

Well, the idea caught on within the group. The necromancer was reluctant at first. The whole idea of a university seemed awfully hierarchical and restrictive and he wasn't at all sure he liked the sound of it. In time, however, the others were able to talk him into it.

>>24895948
The barbarian in particular took a liking to the idea. He had a number of interests. He wanted above all to breed the finest horses the world had ever seen. He wished to live free and travel far afield. But he was also an excellent smith, having learned, among other techniques, the secret arts of the old empires that lay to the south of his homeland and had long ago fallen into decline. In his youth, he had worked as a mercenary there and it was there that he had learned to read, one of his most cherished skills. Beyond that, though, he wished for his name to live long and gloriously. And he saw this university as an opportunity to do just that. It would be the group's greatest achievement to date, one that might touch the lives of countless people, perhaps alter society itself! If they were to form a university, it would be the finest, grandest institution the world had ever known! Dude does not half-ass things is what I'm getting at, here.

As I mentioned, the barbarian was a fine smith, but that was not sufficient for him. In his travels, he had encountered creatures that were unharmed by ordinary steel, whose blood melted normal weapons as though they were butter, even creatures that ate metal as a man would a loaf of bread. He required greater art. He desired the craft that, so far as he knew, only the elves and dwarves possessed. He desired the knowledge of how to forge mithral and adamant.

>>24896266
Some years earlier, he had given some items of minor magic to an arcane (or, if you prefer, mercane) who had happened the necromancer's tavern. In exchange, the mysterious creature had told him of someone who had of someone who might teach him what he wanted to know: a rogue smith of the race of southern dwarves. He lived on the great plains of the Southeast, one of the parts of the world to which none of the party members had ever ventured. Up to this point, he had never had sufficient cause to venture to that region.

He had, however, taken measures to ensure that, when he did seek out the dwarf, he would be prepared to convince him to teach him. The arcane had told him that this eccentric dwarf had a number of unusual interests, among them exotic meats. The barbarian took immediate notice of this particular attribute. He was a skilled tracker and hunter, and often encountered fearsome but potentially edible beasts in his adventures.

So it was that during an expedition to the mysterious dark lands of the southern archipelagos, said to be the origin point of all necromantic magic (I'll probably run a campaign there one day, but for this party it was just a visit) the barbarian encountered an enormous boar, by far the largest he had ever seen. He was forced to slay the boar, but prolonged the group's stay one the strange, undead-infested island for the express purpose of tracking down more.

>>24896504
>Arcane
Fuck I miss those guys, one of the best things to come out of Spelljammer.

>>24887437

Abit.

I was playing a pretty low fantasy game so the idea of traveling the land was more or less measured in time and food consumed. I should be noted that the group was entirely devoid of wilderness skills.

The first three months of travel they survived entirely on water and bread. At that point I just -hinted- that they were beginning to feel abit weak after travel. They immediately started screaming malnutrition and scurvy while I just sat back and watched.

From that point on they stayed on water, hit the wine in towns, and kept a 3/2/1 ratio of dried fish, cooked beans, and cheese while gathering fruits as they traveled.

Honestly, it was neat to see them taking so much interest in it.

>>24896504
In this he eventually succeeded and, despite all difficulty, managed to transport a number of young giant pigs back to the mainland, where he and the necromancer turned them over to those orcs I mentioned with instructions to try to breed them with more reliably edible local varieties of swine, which they did successfully.

Anyway, the university. With visions of the beginning of a new new era fresh in his mind, the rogue sprang into action. He knew that, wealthy though the party may be, they did not have the sort of funds that would be necessary to fund the sort of undertaking they had in mind outright and in any event, they would need to secure the blessings of the local powers if the project were to succeed. He began calling in favors, wheeling and dealing, bribing, cajoling, and subtly threatening. He managed to convince the bulk of the nobles, the ruling council of the city, representatives of most of the major religions, and even some of the guilds that it would be in their best interests to support the founding of the university. In fact, he managed to convince them to invest heavily, all the while careful not to secure the autonomy of the university and not let any party get too much control.

In time, the party was summoned before the city's ruling council and given a mission: before they would be allowed to break ground, they must first go forth and secure foreign applicants to teach and study.

>>24896528
They're still around.

http://www.d20pfsrd.com/bestiary/monster-listings/outsiders/mercane

>>24896718
They were a bit mystified as to why exactly the ruling council would insist that this place of learning benefit foreigners, but ultimately didn't particularly care, as it was what they wanted to do anyway and this way they would get paid. One of the first places they went was a recently reclaimed dwarfhold in the north. With some great roleplaying and a bit of luck, they actually managed to gain admission and convince the lord of the clan to lend a small amount of support. They also learned that the dwarves had access to both mithral and adamant.

The party soon continued their travels, which took them many places they had never been. In the process, they decided to split the party (partly to improve their efficiency and partly for out of game reasons), which actually turned out to be a lot of fun. The barbarian's adventures took him, among other places, to the greatest dwarfhold of the south. It was here that the barbarian began to hatch a plan.

He saw that there was much that the dwarves of the North and South could offer one another, but he also saw that relations between them were strained. They had had no meaningful contact that anyone could personally recall and there were a number of old wounds and resentments that, being dwarves, they had no desire to let go.

>>24897044
So he began to plot. First, he managed to convince them to send a delegation. There was a particular influential dwarf councilor who was very keen to get in on the ground floor of this university business, for he saw great opportunities for his people, even if most of them did not. Second, he managed to get them to agree to send an architect along with the delegation, the intention being that he would do the bulk of the design of the university building. Having been to the dwarfhold, the barbarian had come to the conclusion that the dwarves were the finest architects in the world.

After stopping in at the dwarfhold, the barbarian managed to track down the rogue smith. The fellow turned out to be rather hostile to visitors, but the barbarian managed to talk him into letting him in. After a bit of conversation, the barbarian, managed to talk the smith into giving him a chance. He used some magic he had been given to contact the necromancer, who teleported one of the hybrid hogs to the smith's dwelling.

In the intervening time, the necromancer had taken time to research dwarven cuisine and had managed to put together a recipe designed to be the finest meal a dwarf could ask for. Developing the recipe, he rolled a critical success, and he rolled another critical success when it cam time to prepare the meal. The dwarf was extremely impressed, to say the least. He agreed to teach the barbarian on the spot.

>>24897177
Continue.

>>24897177
The barbarian stayed and learned the secrets of crafting the magical metals. When it came time to return to the city, the barbarian met up with the others. Together, they plottted what they would do when the dwarves came. They resolved to put on a great feast in their guests' honor.

When the day came, the party put the visiting dwarves up in their now-restored mansion. After giving them some time to recover from their journey and become accustomed to their surroundings, the party held the feast. Instead of inviting local dignitaries as the dwarves had expected, though, they invited a delegation of northern dwarves.

When the guests arrived, things were a bit awkward. The two parties of dwarves weren't sure what to say to each other. They didn't even know where to begin. That's when the necromancer brought forth the centerpiece of the feast: a team of servants wheeled out a pair of great hybrid boars that he had cooked according to his secret recipe. Against all odds, he had rolled yet another critical success, and the smell of the hot hog flesh filled the hall.

Then the necromancer himself emerged. Brandishing his gleaming, wickedly sharp knives, deftly carved the great beasts before the eyes of the shocked guests. He called upon every ounce of the skill his years of butchering and live vivisection had given him, separating meat into neat slices with flourish that left the onlookers speechless.

>>24897324
But if they were stunned by the spectacle of the carving, they in total awe of the meal. Every dish had been specifically designed to complement every other and to stimulate the dwarven palate. A group of well-mannered humans might have taken time to savor the sublime feast, but the hungry dwarves tore into the feast with abandon. Naturally,, in the process, they consumed copious quantities of a heavy brew that the necromancer had acquired, which was likewise based on a dwarvish recipe.

Midway through the meal, the barbarian stood up and bellowed for everyone's attention. It was only then, once those in attendance were enjoying the sumptuous meal and were beginning to feel the effects of the strong drink, that he formally welcomed everyone to the feast. He said that they were all welcome under this roof and bade them take some time and celebrate the occasion of their having been brought together. He told them that though they were from lands far distant from one another, and their cultures were far divergent, they were all brothers in spirit, for they all carved the stone of the same earth. With that, took a bite of a great hunk of meat and swallowed a huge gulp of beer. A cheer rose up from the assembled dwarves and soon they were singing dwarf songs both old and new.

This barbarian is a badass. Straight up.

>>24897423
There were some repairs that were needed to the hall after that feast, but it was a small price to pay. The two dwarf cultures opened up formal diplomatic relations. They southern dwarves agreed to supply a master architect to design the buildings for the university and the northern dwarves agree to help provide stone and master masons to supervise the workmen. The lord of the northern dwarfhold the party had visited offered to grant the part a boon. The barbarian asked to be given permission to buy mithral and adamant from the dwarves. His request was granted. He is currently trying to decide what to make.

>>24897449
Yeah, I quite like him as well. Ironically, he is the result of a much less involved character creation process than this player typically goes through. Generally, he comes up with a character concept and backstory and motivations and designs a character around that. For this one, he had limited time to roll the character up and just decided he wanted to be someone who rode a horse. He thought the barbarian class looked fun, decided he want him to be an unusually studious barbarian, gave him the ability to read, slapped an alignment on him, and just came up with the rest as went.

>>24897458
Sheeeeeit, mithral armor and adamantine weapons would be my first though, but there are just so many possibilities.
>>24897499
I find that improvisation often leads to incredible results.

>>24897510
Yeah, we get a good mix of planning and improvisation in our games, this one in particular. The necromancer was pretty specifically planned out in advance, though he's gone through a few changes. The rogue is a revision of a character concept his player had been sitting on for a long time but had never gotten to play, but who ended up being pretty different from how he was originally envisioned.

I think that's about all I've got in me at the moment. I'll hang out for a little while and I can answer some questions if you have any, but I think this is the last story I'm going to tell today.

If it comes up, I may tell some more some time, like Project: Orcfarmer, and I'll go ahead and save this text in case anyone ever wants to hear the story again

>>24897458
Thanks. That was a neat story.

>>24898143
You're welcome. I think I'll bow out at this point. In the unlikely event that this thread is still up when I check back, I may have some more stories.

>>24888630
Our medieval was not fantastical or imaginary though.

Well I thought that story was fantastic and should be preserved for posterity. Everything I love most about tabletop gaming. So I'm archiving it.

If you guys loved it as much as I did, please vote: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/24887437/

Damn good stories. Moar would be awesome if you have it in you to tell them.

I miss playing epic and involved campaigns...or playing at all. Damn you life, damn you.

>>24890940
Quit it with you double-comparatives.

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>two campaigns ago
>one PC took Profession: Cheesemaker, was quoted quoting Analyze This: "anything that has nipples can be milked".
>made cheese from the milk of random animals and monsters
>his crowning achievement: skunk cheese; smells worse than Limburger
>ended up making a side business out of it

>last campaign, same region, sort of a sequel campaign but with new characters
>players are in a market, trying to gather info about a crime lord
>decide to talk to a vendor running a stall in the square
>turns out he's a cheese vendor
>I decidr to be funny, and as an homage to the cheesemaker PC, the vendor has some skunk cheese
>gnome PC buys it
>suddenly, some shady looking thugs approach the party and ask them to come with them; players are unarmed at this point due to the city being ultra-paranoid about this crime lord, only guards can carry weapons
>fuckyou.jpg
>thugs attack, one thugs grapplea and picks up the gnome as he tries to escape
>gnome thrusts the skunk cheese into the thugs face
>thug vomits, drops the gnome, gnome gets away.

>>24902092
I know your feel, my dear friend.

>>24897591
Can't wait to here more if it ever comes.

>>24904412
Holy crap, this thread's still up? I did not expect that. I've got some things to do just now, but when I'm done I can tell some more stories.

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>>24907139
I knew keeping this thread open would be worthwhile. I wait with bated breath.

>>24907139
I was hoping this would happen.

>>24907139
Damn timezones, sleeping late tonight, I guess.

Just stumbled on this thread and it's making me all kinds of happy. Which is no mean feat.

Thank you so much anon, for taking the time to write this magnificent story.

>>24887437
I once played alongside a Paladin who would point the brie when our hosts weren't being serious enough with negotiations/quest giving/etc.

My Rogue Trader has picked up the habit. Except he's not a lawful good to the point straight arrow warrior of the Emperor. He's just an asshole.

>>24907220
>>24907278
Sorry that took so long, everyone. I'm back now and I have some stories if you want to hear them.

>>24910089
Do it.

>>24910111
Okay. Let's see. I've got a story about those orcs I mentioned a couple times. Then, I guess I could relate a couple of the times that the party's shenanigans got a little out of hand. These stories are a little darker than the above, but they're still kind of funny (to me). Shall I start out with the orcs?

>>24910212
Go for as much as of it as you'd like, I've read all of it that you've posted.

>>24910212
Start wherever you want.

>>24910264
Ok, prior to meeting up with the rogue and barbarian, the necromancers had a bunch of solo adventures, and traveled for maybe a year or two with a full party, but he also had a habit of teaming up with psychotic fighters. Both were played by the same player. He's the closest we have to a That Guy. He's our friend and a good guy, but he has a habit, especially back then, of playing weird, psychopathic action/slasher movie power and revenge fantasy characters. We didn't mind too much. It was kind of annoying and honestly it did (and does; he still plays with us, though not in this game) kind of detract from the game, but he has a good time.

The first one was a pretty overtly evil bastard sword wielding fighter of a custom monster race that he made up that was, "half skeleton and half really buff guy." Don't think too badly of him. We were kids. And, even though we though it was pretty dumb, we enjoyed hanging out with him and that was what he really, really wanted to play, so we figure why the Hell not? We had some adventures with him and eventually phased him out when the player moved away for a while.

>>24910667
When he later moved back, he decided to create a new character, another fighter. This one, though, was an elf who had Exceptional Strength (all his characters have really high stats when we play a system with rolled or otherwise randomized stats, which is suspicious, but, again, not disruptive enough to seriously get in the way of our fun, so we let it slide) who used, of all things, a pair of hand axes. I always thought that it must look kind of silly to see this big muscleman elf hacking away at his enemies with a pair of hatchets like a damn praying mantis or something, but the player was happy, so we were, too.

Back then, this player had an attraction to the chaotic good alignment, I'm pretty sure because he felt that it would allow him to claim to be one of the good guys while in reality doing whatever the Hell he wanted. I asked if he was sure he wanted t play a good character and not a neutral or evil one (the necromancer didn't give a damn about alignments, and we didn't care about them all that much, either; we always just saw them as a sort of jumping off point for characterization). But, he insisted that he wanted to be chaotic good, so who were we to countermand him? So he rolled up the character and, sure enough he did make an effort to generally try and do good and not be quite as much of a murderous psycho. He certainly fit in better than the literal monster, which opened up a lot more roleplaying opportunities, to say the least.

>>24910834
In order to give his elf an excuse to hang out with this creepy necromancer and probably in an attempt to justify the character's brutality, but mostly just because he was into things that were dark and edgy, he gave himself a backstory that involved his elf clan (or whatever it is elves have) being slaughtered and his character being left by the attackers to die.

I was fine with this and the next time the necromancer went through a forest, I took the opportunity to have him happen upon the burned remnants of an elf village. Naturally, he immediately began to search it for loot and examine bodies, both to see how they died and to determine whether any of them were worth dissecting, when he happened upon a severely wounded survivor. More or less on a whim, he decided to nurse him back to health and a new partnership was formed.

When he awoke, the elf described the destruction of his village with great relish and swore revenge on the perpetrators (an oath that, strangely, he never followed up on and seemed to forget about within a few sessions, despite occasional breadcrumbs I left).

The necromancer very quickly picked up that this elf might not be entirely stable and came up with an idea for an experiment. Elves are, of course, known for their commitment to their ideals, but this one was full of anger and thoughts of sweet revenge. He wondered how much urging it would take to get him to abandon his principles altogether.

>>24911165
As I said, at first, the elf did an all right job of representing himself as good-hearted. He helped those in need, fought those who would oppress and harm others, all that business. He did always have a bit of a temper problem and tended to go overboard when things eventually came to violence, but for all that he seemed to genuinely mean well.

As time went on, though, he, with a little help from the necromancer (always subtly, always in character) became a worse and worse person. His acts of charity gradually became bizarre pageants of self-aggrandizement (towards the end, he had all of his coins converted to platinum and made a point of leaving ludicrous tips for everything, insisting that was doing it to help the workers rather than for the attention it brought). The retribution he delivered upon the wicked became increasingly brutal and the standard for what constituted wickedness became progressively lower. He began torturing prisoners, at first for information, but later simply because he could. He increasingly used his drive for vengeance (not vengeance on those who had destroyed his village, as I said, he had forgotten about them, just vengeance on the world in general, apparently) to justify increasingly extreme behavior, most especially ever-escalating acts of violence. He became more and more self-important, always demanding that proper respect be paid to him and, as in everything, his notion of what constituted disrespect kept changing.

>>24911614
All this took place over... maybe two years or so real time? I'd actually say that it was a brilliant piece of roleplaying depicting a flawed man's gradual slide into depravity... had the player been aware of it.

>>24911647
Anyway, at some point, the necromancer took studying intelligence. His studies eventually led him to hypothesize that, through a combination of surgery and the application of magic, he could increase a creature's intelligence. He began experimenting with with... mixed results. They had an awful lot of squirrel stew during that time. eventually, though, he developed a process that could somewhat reliably increase the intelligence of those who survived the process. That was good enough for him, and he decided to move on to the next phase of testing: applying the process to a thinking being.

>>24911870
He was bright enough to realize that humans were probably out if the question. No one was likely to volunteer for an unnecessary surgical procedure that might very well kill them. Even in a big city, people going missing might eventually be noticed, say, by the beggars' guild, and that was amongst the last groups he wanted on his ass. Also, what was he to do in the event that he was successful? He couldn't very well let the subjects go. Even wearing a mask could be no sure protection. Even if he wore it all times, the subjects might recognize his voice or some small detail for which he could not account, which could lead back to him. Slaves were an option, but for some reason I can't recall, he decided against it.

It was looking like the next phase of his tests might be difficult to conduct, but then he realized that no one gives a damn what happens to orcs.

He traveled for a bit, listening for rumors about a suitably remote settlement that was suffering from persistent orc or goblin attacks and eventually found an acceptable location. He came to town, learned what he could about the orcs, quietly raided the local graveyard for fresh minions, and set off on his way. Traveling during the day, when orcs were least likely to be awake and alert, the fighter and necromancer managed to located an entrance to the orcs' warren, which was located in a system of caves. They set up a secret camp not far from the entrance, careful to hide their scent from any worgs.

>>24912129
The orcs actually put up a pretty good fight, but the necromancer's magic proved to be a fairly insurmountable advantage. Due to good luck and the clever application magic and tactics, they were actually able to capture a pretty substantial number of orcs. It was the old orc prisoner dilemma, but this time the party encountered it on purpose.

The necromancer immediately set about seeing how resilient the orcs' culture was. It turns out that they do not take to conquest well. In fact they seemed to violently resist all attempts at pacification. In time, however, they hit upon something that they responded to: the elf's thoughtless brutality.

>>24912350

OH. OH SHIT.

>>24912350

Is that it?

At least tell us what the Necromancer accomplished in the end.

>>24912639
>>24912453
Sorry about the delay. Some persona stuff came up here at my house. Kind of a minor emergency. I'll continue in a a few minutes. Thanks for your patience. I know I'm not the best storytime guy, and tonight has had multiple disruptions, so I appreciate yopu bearing with me.

>>24912986
all good. Thanks for telling us

>>24913023
Ok, I'm back.

So, the fighter starts oppressing the orcs. But it turns out the methods he chooses to use turn out to be weirdly in tune with existing orc culture. He rules mostly through sheer physical intimidation backs it up with a sort macho ethic. At all times, he sought to assert his dominance over those around him and he did not hesitate to use violence to back up his claims to supremacy. The orcs could respect that, even as they hated him for his elfish blood and what he had done to them and their people. When an orc, challenged his authority, he might fight him in personal combat and thoroughly humiliate him before sending him off to the wizard for torture (assuming he survived, of course). He was often pointlessly cruel, at times tormenting his lessers simply because they were weaker than him, which, again, the orcs respected as a sign of strength and good leadership. When he was pleased, though, he could be unreasonably generous, which didn't hurt matters. I won't bother to detail the various the various things he did, but suffice to say, by this point he had become something of a monster and fit right in.

Another trait that this fighter possessed which I have neglected to mention up to now has been his fierce loyalty to the necromancer. For whatever reason, the fighter considered the necromancer his best and only friend and basically did anything he said without question (the feeling was not mutual).

>>24913771
Wait a second, an Elf leading orcs, shit's gonna go down.

>>24913771
The clearly strong leader's almost slavish loyalty to the sinister figure who could command the dead only served to reinforce the fear the orcs felt for the necromancer, who used his standing as a figure of supernatural dread to influence the orc culture further still.

Once the orcs were relatively pacified, the necromancer made his purpose known. He selected a number of candidates and proclaimed that they had been chosen to undergo a trial. It would be a dangerous and painful ordeal, but those who were able to endure and who "pleased the gods" which is to say were lucky would be imbued with greatness.

Naturally, the orcs as a whole gladly agreed to the necromancer's bargain, because orcs (as a whole) aren't afraid of painful ordeals and greatness sounded like a pretty good thing to have. Also, they were afraid of what might happen if they refused the necromancer's edict.

As with the squirrels, the results of this experiment were mixed. Unlike the squirrels, he wouldn't let the orcs eat any of the failed test subjects (he didn't approve of cannibalism in humanoids, considering it an unhealthy habit that could only spread disease), so he just animated their corpses so that they could continue to serve the tribe.

Those who survived, however, did frequently display increased intelligence. The necromancer was pleased with this outcome, but still had other experiments in mind.

>>24914086
>make artisinal(sp?) cheeses
>conduct morally-dubious experiments on local population
your necromancer man...

>>24914086

I got a feeling the Elf Man will be meeting an unfortunate end...

>>24914133
You forgot, Take the art world by storm, and form a center of learning.

>>24914209
those make more sense with the "dark, ethically dubious experiments" to me than a dude who just really likes his cheese. Like, one moment he's sampling the batch of brie, and the next he's giving superstitious orcs brain implants. It's an amusing dichotomy

>>24914264
You, don't remember how he took the art world by storm do you?

Two words, Vivisectionist Society.

>>24914298
that's what I'm saying. It makes sense to me. A dude who makes cheese does not square in my mind with a practitioner of the dark arts. It squares with a kindly french dude in his 60's who lives in the countryside and has a picturesque cottage

>>24914348
It's just the wonderful dichotomy of that Necromancer, french, but also fucking toothless englishman.

>>24914373
>frenchman AND englishman
truly, there are some things that should not be

>>24914086
The necromancer realized that the state of affairs as it was could not last forever. It was likely only a matter of time before things came to a head one way or another, which would likely result in the death of either he and the fighter or most or all of the remaining orcs, neither of which was a desirable outcome. So he concocted a new approach.

Having collectively traumatized the orc population through his acts of subjugation and torture, not to mention his actual supernatural powers and command over both the fear and hated elf who now ruled them and the dead themselves, the necromancer had begun to take on mythic proportions in the minds of the orcs. Being a mythic figure gave him great power over the damaged culture.

He began to be perceived as a figure rather like the Devil, or perhaps a servant of the gods (who are rather like the the Devil to orcs, anyway) sent to test them and make them stronger. He also had an idea for a new experiment, one that was intended to test the efficacy of the "upgrades" he had performed and simultaneously see just what sort of acts orcs could be made to perform that were antithetical to their ordinary behavior. So it was that when he began making pronouncements, the orcs listened.

>>24914444
Necromancer dude, isn't that their stock and trade?

>>24887437
I took the idea of stunt dice and use a variant of that in most of my games. Leads to lots of cheese.

>>24914483
Goddamn, this is a really good story. You said that you guys were kids at the time? That is some seriously high level shit for some kids (Or teenagers, I assume).

Think about writing a book. Your writing is excellent, your setting is excellent, and your GMing skills is excellent (from what I see of it.).

>>24914483
First, he announced that he and the fighter would soon be leaving, but that they would return in time. He told them that, while it would be possible for them to flee, doing so would lead to their destruction (he was quite serious about this; he took the liberty of securing bits of hair and such from the surviving orcs for use in scrying). He proclaimed that there were certain commandments that the orcs were to follow in his absence. Failure to do so would lead to a severe punishment they were to cease all raiding activity on humans and demi-humans. They were to approach the nearby village peacefully and, regardless of their reaction, become their "friends" (his word). Once their friendship had been established, they were to learn from the humans the arts of farming and begin cultivating the surrounding land. This would be their new primary source of livelihood.

>>24914714
Yeah, we started when we were kids. We were... I think maybe 14 when we started? No more than 15, anyway. I remember us coming up with the necromancer while we were walking home from junior high school. that was fifteen years ago or so. We've been playing the same campaign all these years, although not continuously. We've had interruptions that sometimes lasted years (colleges, moving away then moving back, just being too busy with other things and other games).

>>24914734
Obviously, he had his doubts that the orcs would follow through on these directives, but to stay and make sure would contaminate the experiment (not to mention put him and the fighter at risk; the orcs were bound to figure out that they weren't as invincible as they seemed). So he decided to try to find a way to bow out gracefully. Before he could leave, though, he needed to make sure the orcs had a stable leadership structure.

First, he set about making a magic item. He ordered the orcs to forge a crown (it ended up not being a crown so much as one of those horned helmets) of the finest quality (or the finest quality orcs can manage, anyway). When it was complete, he set about imbuing it with magic. He figured out a way to enchant one of the horns with a low-powered version continual light and the other with a low-powered version of continual darkness. The two kind of cancelled each other out, so the actual level of illumination in the room the thing was in wasn't effected all that much. The things only real magical property was to look pretty cool. It was a phenomenally crappy magic item, but it did the job. The orcs were impressed.

Next, he announced a series of trials that were designed to test the participants physically, mentally, and, allegedly, spiritually. They amounted to some problem solving tests, some feats of strength and other tests of fitness, and (mock) combat.

>>24914186
Yeah, he did, though the necromancer got him out of there before >>24913969 could happen.

>>24915161
The the necromancer had had favorites, but did his best not to interfere with the trials (he didn't use his buffs to help his favored competitors win, for example), as, again, that would have contaminated the experiment. It turned out he didn't need to, anyway, because one of his successful subjects won the whole business, anyway.

So, that was that. A new orc king was coronated, the tribe was warned one last time to do as they had been told, and the duo left the caves, taking their skeletons and zombies with them.

Due to unforeseen adventures, it would be a couple of years before he would return...

>>24915281
You better fucking deliver.

>>24887437
The fundamental particles are made of cheese
But there's different kinds.
Quantum tunneling happens because some bigger types of cheese has holes in it.
At a certain age cheese starts to crumble down, that's called decay.
The way that it can be both a particle and a wave is because cheese can melt.

>>24915281
By this time, the necromancer had fallen in with his current companions, the rogue and barbarian I've mentioned before. They'd spent maybe a year or so, perhaps less adventuring together by this point. They had formed deep bonds of friendship during their travels and travails, but the necromancer was understandably worried that they would not fully appreciate the value of his experiment (which is to say that they might deem him mad or monstrous and turn on him), so he concocted an odd tale about having heard rumors of orcs who farm (which was sort of true; he had heard a rumor about an entirely unrelated tribe of farming orcs) and insisted that they go to investigate. The barbarian and most especially the rogue were understandably suspicious, as they were not idiots and furthermore knew by this time that the necromancer had numerous secrets and schemes wherever they went, but they went along with it anyway.

They embarked on a journey to a certain remote village, each in his way wondering what they would find.

>>24915458
I just caught up in the thread, you've inspired me to take my DM'ing to a new level.

>>24915458
Right away, they could tell that something wasn't quite right. As they approached the outskirts of the village, they saw that the land appeared to have been erratically turned as by some mad team of plowmen. The earth was dust and dry in some places and swampy in others. Sickly plants grew here and there and, more rarely, healthy ones could be seen. Closer in to the town, they found things were a bit more orderly and the crops more successful, but the plants seemed stressed and the people they saw looked weary and downcast. They decided against bothering any of the workers before they got to the town proper.

>>24915574
Upon reaching the town they noticed that there were orcs going about in daylight. At first, they couldn't tell they were orcs, for they wore large hats that covered their faces or else, less commonly, hoods. They decided not to bother any of those surely upstanding citizens. Instead, they made their way to the local tavern and set about learning what hey could about the bizarre little town. The necromancer, naturally kept his face hidden. His companions did not particularly take note of this, as it was a relatively common practice for him to do so.

>>24915634
The townsfolk were reluctant to speak to the adventurers, at first insisting that nothing was wrong. When they managed to get one of them somewhere more private, however, he glanced around nervously before recalling the story.

He told them that the town long had troubles with the orcs that lived in the hills, having to endure occasional raids and attacks on the road, but It seems that a couple years back, weird things had started happening. A raiding party of orcs had tried to storm the town gates one, making a great racket while doing so. Naturally, they had driven them off with arrow fire.

They had thought that would be the end of it, but the next day, they had seen the raiders approach again, this time in broad daylight! Even when the began firing at them, the orcs continued approaching, shouting as they did so. It took a bit of doing to drive them off that time, but they kept at it and eventually managed to get rid of them.

A couple of days later, a single orc approached bearing an enormous shield, which made him frustratingly difficult to kill. When he got close, they could hear him shouting about peace and wanting to be friends. They looked around, but did not see any other orcs. They took some time and debated what to do. while they did so, they the men on the wall reported that the orc had thrown something at them. They had returned fire, but had not managed to kill the orc.

>>24915839
A bit of searching revealed a strange stone which closer inspection revealed to be a semi-precious gem. They weren't sure what was going on, but they knew that they didn't much like it. They weren't sure what this orc's game was, but they weren't about to let it sucker them. They dispatched militiamen armed with simple spears to go kill the orc, which they did. Bizarrely, the orc was unarmed, though an inspection of the body revealed that it was carrying a number of small semi-precious gems and a fair amount of coinage. These spoils were distributed to the men of the militia as fairly as possible, and they redoubled their vigilance. That was the last they saw of the orcs for a bit.

>>24894356
Norwaybro?
Don't forget to challenge them to an eating contest, and stuff your porridge in your knapsack.

>>24915977
I just finished reading everything you've posted in this thread so far, and I want to tell you that this is the best story I've read in a long time.

You have an incredible group.

>>24915977
A couple of weeks passed with no orc sighting and things slowly went back to normal. For days, folks talked about the strange events and what they might portend. A few who had heard of what happened said that it didn't seem right of them to just kill the unarmed orc like that, but those who'd lost close friends and family to orc raids were quick to point out that orcs had no such qualms about killing unarmed humans and that it was better to be have a dead orc and a safe town that was a bit richer than let an orc in and risk everyone's safety. In time, the talk died down and folks went back to their lives as usual. They had driven off the orcs and would do so again if they returned, as they always had.

When the attack came, though, they found that they weren't as well-prepared as they had thought.

>>24916048
Thanks! Yeah, I love my group. I'm very fortunate to have such fun, creative, and all-around great people in my life.

>>24916077
No one was quite sure how they'd come up on them so quick without anyone noticing. Usually, they came up screaming and bellowing and swinging their weapons, killing whomever they could, but not pursuing those who managed to get away very far. The only rarely came near the town proper, for they knew that the town had walls and archers and there wasn't all that much to be gained. They'd heard that in the North, where orcs were more plentiful, they periodically poured out of the mountains in great hoard and destroyed everything in their wake. They'd heard that at such times they often used surprisingly sophisticated techniques, but they never thought that such a thing could happen here. The orcs hereabouts were simple raiders. That night, though, everything was different.

The orcs had come in greater numbers employed more advanced tactics than the townsfolk had thought them capable of. Even deployment of such simple technology as ladders took them totally by surprise. They knew that orcs could forge weaponry, but somehow they had always fancied that they spent all of their time when they weren't terrorizing humans squatting in caves doing nothing of any particular use. The idea that they might be able to out think them had never entered their minds.

It was horrible. The orcs poured into the village, killing some and catching others in great nets. They were strong and fast and savage and nothing could stop them. Worst of all, though, was their leader.

>>24916333
He was a great orc, powerful and clad in heavy armor. On his head, he wore a helmet of "shining darkness". He struck down all who stood against him with his mighty strength and commanded the orcs with speed and confidence, instantly responding to whatever desperate defenses they tried to mount.

Soon, everyone in the town had either fled or been captured or killed. They were sure that they would all be killed or eaten or something somehow worse. For hours, they were held captive, herded into the largest buildings in the town. They were told (in common, which a month ago they'd had no notion orcs could speak) to be silent until they were told otherwise. They were examined and counted (orcs could count?!), but not harmed. In that time, there were a few attempts to escape, which were uniformly dealt with harshly, though usually not lethally.

They were kept together what purpose none knew for what felt like forever. At last, though, they were all forced out into the center of town. The terrifying king of the orcs came before them and calmly addressed the assembled townsfolk. He told them that he regretted that this conquest had been necessary, but he had been left with no choice. It had been decided that man and orc would be friends and he would not tolerate any other outcome. Three times he had sent his envoys of friendship and three times they had been met with violence. He would tolerate no more. He would have friendship at any price.

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>>24916507
>He would have friendship at any price.

YES.

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>>24916507

Such Kingly behaviour.

>>24916507
>Winning hearts and minds through brute force
>This is how I King of the Shining-Darkness.

>>24916507
He forbade the townsfolk to try to leave the town. To ensure that the more fragile humans were not damaged in escape attempts, women and children would be held for their own protection in the underground cellars that the orcs would shortly begin constructing. Those that had already fled would be "dealt with" and returned if possible.

In subsequent days, he announced that he and many of the occupying orcs would be returning to their home, but that a permanent force, a "Friendship Force" would be established to administer things in the town. The new friends would be taught the arts of farmcraft. Naturally, the townsfolk would have to supply the farming axes and earth swords and whatever else it was that was required to do farming until such time as new ones could be crafted. Naturally, they would be fairly compensated for this loss.

In time, the number of orcs in town was reduced, just as the king had said, but the Friendship Force had had occupied the town ever since. They had turned out to be rather poor farmers. They spoiled the land over tilling by the soil or improperly irrigating. They had very little patience, often accusing the farmers of trying to trick them when immediate results were not yielded and often undertook unwise actions when frustrated. Initially, some of them seemed to be under the impression that farming was a matter of beating the earth until it yielded up its spoils. One was heard to remark,"What's wrong? I'm hitting it as hard as I can!"

>>24916804
>"What's wrong? I'm hitting it as hard as I can!"


That's my kind of farming, right there.

Just read the the thread so far, you and your friends sound awesome.

Hey, I'm the rogue's player here. Something that struck me while reading about the Fracas of the Friendship Force was the Necromancer's attitude. Whenever we'd stumble into one of his little projects, or encounter any of his disciples (or creations), you have to keep in mind that he wasn't, like, majestic or mysterious or anything: he was usually kind of embarrassed. It's not that he disliked where his experiments led, or offended that his projects turned out so eccentric; it's just that even he never foresaw the weirdness to come out of his surgery/kidnapping/recipe-extortions. Just keep in mind that this man, this titan of intellect and amorality, to us, is just this sheepish limping guy who, before unleashing his next incredible scheme, is just as surprised as the rest of us.

>>24916804
The compensation for the farming equipment and seed and livestock necessary to get the orcs started on their venture (and for the food necessary to keep the occupying orcs fed, which the king was kind enough to offer when it became clear that the farming was going to take longer and yield less than had been anticipated) was largely worthless. It was either precious stones or metals that they couldn't spend because they could no longer go to market in a city, odd orcish artifacts that were of little value even if they could be sold, and things that were actively harmful, like live wolves to protect the farmers' livestock.

The only things of any value that the orcs provided were regular shipments of food and lumber, both harvested from the forested hills near the orcs' warren. Even these, though, were mostly taken up by the orcs' own needs.

The man the party interviewed had little insight into what had lead the orcs on this sudden, mad course. He knew that the king had commanded them to do so, but they all acted like it was some sort of desperate mission rather than the pure insanity that it obviously was. He gathered that it was part of their dark, orcy religion, for they often talked about secret happenings in hushed tones in their own language, but what god could have led them to such madness he didn't dare imagine.

>>24916924
Now, though, a group of adventurers had arrived and surely their troubles would soon be over, for, as everyone knew, there was nothing that adventurers liked to do so much as save beleaguered towns from marauding orcs!

He could scarcely contain his excitement at the prospect that the long nightmare was finally over. Fortunately, the rogue managed to calm him down and get him to keep his mouth shut for the time being, lest he endanger the mission.

>>24916946
The barbarian and rogue were confused, to say the least. They couldn't imagine what could possibly be going on, but they (particularly the rogue) knew that the necromancer was somehow involved. The necromancer, for his part, said nothing, though he did a piss-poor job of hiding that something was on his mind. The group didn't really have anywhere they felt comfortable talking about it for fear of being lynched by all parties involved, so they simply resolved to find this orc warren in the hills when they had a chance... assuming they were allowed to leave the town.

>>24917006
It turned out not to be all that difficult to get out of the town. Have little to lose because, heyt, it wasn't their loved one who were being held hostage, they managed to create a suitable distraction and simply quietly left the town when the resident orcs weren't looking.

The barbarian set about searching for sign of the passage of orcs to lead them to the orcs' stronghold (which turned out to be just as well, since the necromancer had more or less forgotten how precisely to get there) and soon they were on their way.

On the way, while the barbarian was searching for sign and for danger, the rogue began needling the necromancer. He mentioned that all this was rather a strange situation. The necromancer conceded that it was quite what he had anticipated, either.

The rogue continued that it was rather miraculous that the necromancer had happened to hear that there were farming orcs in this area, considering that they had had no contact with the outside world, to which the necromancer responded that he had actually traveled to this area once in the past.

And, pray tell, had compelled him to return on this particular occasion, the rogue wondered. The necromancer responded, rather noncommittally (and with more than bit of a non sequitur), that he had failed to anticipate this particular outcome.

Presently, the truth came out. The necromancer (slightly sheepishly) confessed his experiments to the rest of the party. The looks on the players' faces were priceless.

>>24917174
In time, they arrived at the orcs' lair, where they were greeted with great honors. The necromancer was hailed as "the prophet" and his companions introduced themselves as "the propheteers" (which is a pretty apt description of them most of the time).

While the necromancer received a status update from the orcs, the other party members were shown around the orcs' caves. They heard the story of how the prophet had descended upon the clan with his terrible elf hound. They were told of how he had brought with him the Cutting Times to test the endurance of the tribe and had chosen their king for greatness. They learned of the Commandments of Friendship and Farming and how they had scrupulously followed them in the prophet's absence, lest he bring about a return to the Cutting Times, an event that the tribe might not survive a second time.

>>24917303
The necromancer, for his part, learned that his surgery had indeed worked. The orcs who had shown signs of enhanced intellect had generally performed quite well, often rising to positions of leadership within their respective fields or else advising those who had. So much so that it had become the fashion amongst the tribe to ritually scar the heads of young orcs as they came of age in hopes of imbuing them with greatness.

But the increased intelligence of some had not spared the tribe its troubles. They still lacked the skills that the humans had won through years, usually generations of work. They were still, one the whole, cruel and foul tempered. They did not generally respect the conquered humans (though it quickly became clear that the king had a kind of respect for them) and so were often loathe to heed their advice. And, though their mission may have been to master farming, they had no love of it. Even as they plowed and planted and watered, they could not but yearn for the thrill of battle.

He further learned that they had been very fortunate these past years in that no rival orc tribes had discovered the true extent of their weakened state. The king feared that, should their activities ever become clear to the other orcs who populated the hills, both orc and man might fall to their attacks.

I'm liking these stories. The idea of an awkward, cheese enterprising necromancer is brilliant.

>>24917362
They spent a good bit of time amongst the orcs, learning their ways and teaching them where they could. They taught them advanced tactics and fighting techniques and began improving their defenses in preparation for potential raids. The barbarian taught their smith ancient secrets of forging metal that had been imparted to him in distant lands. The necromancer began drawing up plans for magic items designed to improve the lives of the orcs and men. The rogue even explored the orcs' religion and had a mystical experience deep within their caves.

At last, they decided to see if they could find some way to somehow salvage this situation. They set out on a quest to locate someone who might help bring about genuine peace between the two races and allow them to find some sort of happiness.

>>24917455
>had a mystical experience deep within their caves
That sounds very interesting. Please tell us more about that.

>>24917455
The quest began in the nearest large town, where they purchased large amounts of food and other necessary items and had them sent to the troubled village (with instructions to continue on their way as soon as possible).

This town happened to have a temple to the goddess of agriculture. The group hadn't paid much attention to it when they'd passed through in the past, but it was now highly relevant to their interests. They entered the temple (well, the rogue and barbarian did; the necromancer stood outsider across the street skulking about and eating fruit he purchased from a local fruit vendor whose stall happened to be set up just there) and, thanks to the rogues charm and diplomatic ability managed to secure an audience with the chief priestess.

They asked, as delicately as they could, whether there was anyone she knew of who might be able to help teach farming techniques to a band of orcs who had captured a human village in a misguided but earnest attempt to meet the frankly insane demands their crazed necromancer tormentor. Hypothetically, of course. She saw pretty quickly that they were probably not wholly innocent in this affair, but saw also that their desire to help was genuine, and so decided to tell them what they wanted to know. She informed them that they might find an individual who may be able to handle the scenario they had described in a tiny halfling village located some distance to the north.

>>24917455
>>24917455
My boner throbs deeply for more

>>24917508
Rogue player here. My character's curiosity almost always gets the better of me (it's part of how he met the necromancer in the first place). While the necromancer was communing with the orc king, and the barbarian was introducing them into the surprising violent pastime of rabbit husbandry, I asked the tribal shaman what he thought of 'the Prophet' and his new teachings. He said that, since Gruumsh dictated that the strongest must rule, and the Prophet and his allies proved himself strong, that the new dogma fit with what he felt were the essential orc truths. When I indicated that I'd like a deeper understanding of 'orc truth', he prepared a ritual concoction of orc's blood and hallucinogenic fungus, which I immediately drank. I then had a weird, orcy vision of the genesis of the orcs, springing up from Gruumsh's blood on the ground of his battle of Corellon Larethian, father of the elves. I watched as the One-Eye turned from the battle, and shattered the ground, forcing his children into the cracks, to spill forth from the depths of every world and prove Gruumsh's strength to all the multiverse through conflict and conquest. It was pretty trippy.

>>24917620
Just read through all this. Great story.

>>24917620
Well, they were able to get to the little halfling village with very little trouble. It was more or less what you'd imagine. Nice, gentle, rolling hills suitable for halflings to build their burrows in. Fields of cute, fluffy sheep minded by tiny shepherds with little crooks and gigantic but friendly-looking dogs giving way picturesque plots of crops and quaint little gardens strewn all about. Neat, straight fences and brightly-painted doors. That sort of thing.

They rode up, located what appeared to be a rather inviting tavern (or would have been had it not been built in miniature) and hitched their horses to a post that was entirely too low to the ground and found themselves greeted by a rotund, smiling little gentleman who introduced himself as the local sheriff, patting the well taken care of put apparently seldom used short sword that hung his hip. They conversed with him for a bit, he welcoming them to the sleepy little town and asking if there was anything he could do to assist them, they complimenting the fine, respectable community and eventually asking after the location of the man they sought. The sheriff cheerfully informed them that the fellow could be found from time to time tending the gardens around the shrine to the halfling gods that lay just up the road a ways. He said that he didn't suppose he was there just now, but if they cared to wait for a bit in the tavern, he would be there in due time. He even gave them a few coins for a drink.

HOW IS THIS THREAD NOT ARCHIVED YET


I'm remedying this immediately

>>24917909
I'm stupid, it IS archived. Nevermind.

>>24888630
>Consider how long it takes to grow a cow versus a chicken.
By that logic, veal is more common then beef.

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>>24889479
>his own corps of loyal worker.

>>24917851
Now, the rogue, ever suspicious and more familiar with halflings and their ways than he usually let on, decided to take a look at the coins that he had been given just in case the little folks were trying to put one over on them. Sure enough, they were marked on the edge in such a way that a casual observer wouldn't be likely to notice and wouldn't likely invalidate the coin with people who cared about such things. What it might mean, though, he had no idea, so he decided to just go ahead and play along for the time being.

The tavern was just the sort of pleasant little place that any respectable halfling farm would be happy to go to to put up his hairy feet and socialize with his fellows over a pipe of smokeweed and a pint of nice, dark stout after a day of tending his plants. It was, of course, built entirely too small. Even the smallest of them, the rogue, had to hunch, and the barbarian and the necromancer, who was nearly as tall, felt as though they were bent almost double. The chairs were built so low that the men's knees were positioned half way to their chests and their legs would not have fit under the tables even had that not been the case. It was highly pleasant for all, though.

A little investigation and the asking of some canny questions presently revealed that there was more going on in this sleepy little hamlet than there had initially seemed.

>>24918010
The rogue, experienced in subtle forms of communication was able to convince the folks in the tavern that he and his comrades were worthy candidates to be let in on the goings on hereabouts, hinting that he already knew far more than he actually did. After some initial suspicion and nervous eying of the barbarian and especially the necromancer (the rogue assured him that they were cool), the party was shortly directed to a back room, which had a concealed (though not so well concealed as it had once been; it had seen long and heavy use) hatch in the floor. They opened it and climbed down the ladder it revealed. To their surprise, they discovered that there was what amounted to a second, larger tavern (this one thankfully had a higher ceiling, though the barbarian and wizard still had to mind the hanging lanterns). A lightly armored halfling stopped them and offered to relieve them of their weapons, which they allowed (though the rogue kept most of his numerous hidden daggers).

This tavern was more richly appointed than the one above, but remained tasteful. Everything smelled rather of pipe smoke, but it was tolerable. All about them were small tables. Some were similar to those above (albeit with different tablecloths), but others were clearly designed for the purposes of gambling. Few of them were in use.

In the corner, in a sort of booth designed for privacy and guarded by some (relatively) burly halflings sat a rather obese (and therefore successful) halfling.

>>24918170
One of the burly halflings confronted the party, but the large, elderly halfling motioned for him to be silent. He asked them, in an odd, mumbly, strangely-accented voice, what had brought them to his establishment. It soon became clear that they had stumbled upon the headquarters of an organized crime operation. This secret burrow served as a secondary tavern, safe house, gambling den, and general hangout for members of this organization, as well as a shrine to the halfling god of, among other things, thievery (there was an odd sort of ceramic block with a halfling's footprint in it that they later saw visitors kneeling before and kissing).

The rogue, sensing opportunity, began to talk up the party as potential assets to the organization, always careful to show the utmost (genuine) respect and never to attempt to lie nor cheat in any important matters, knowing that he would be found out.

The Grandfather (as they later learned he was called) was impressed with the kid's moxie and decided to offer him an opportunity to win his respect. They talked for a while and, ultimately, the rogue, unable to offer any more tangible proof of his worth at the moment, staked his reputation on a game of dice, which he proceeded to win straight. (We actually played the game out and luck was on his side. It was an extremely dramatic and ballsy thing to do. We were all on the edge of our seats when it came down to the final roll and let out a collective cheer when it came up a win)

>>24918324
Fucking awesome. Please, continue.

>>24918324
After receiving the Grandfather's blessing, spirits were running high. The party enjoyed the room's good will and their congratulatory pints of stout, but they soon remembered why they'd come to town in the first place and headed back up to the shrine. there, they found a lone, rugged halfling tending to the plants.

They introduced themselves and inquired whether this fellow might be the man they sought. He regarded them with his one good eye (the other was covered by a dark eye patch and a rather ugly scar was visible peeking out from beneath it) and replied that he was indeed the person that had been seeking and what did they want?

They explained the situation more or less completely to the halfling, as he was bound to find out anyway, and he conceded that they did seem to be in a bit of a pickle, there, but what did they want him to do about it?

They returned that he had come highly recommended by the most reliable possible sources (that they had happened upon in their entire week or so of searching, most of which was on the road between towns) as someone who could solve their problems for them.

He in turn retorted that he was retired from that sort of business and would they kindly buzz off.

It was around that time that a pretty young human girl appeared and asked what was going on. The halfling replied that it was nothing, just some kind of troublemakers and he was just getting rid of them, so don't worry yourself about it.

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After an edition war argument between two of my players, it now factors in fairly regularly.

>"3.x sucks at balance!"
>"4E is fucking boring! No differences! No fun!"
>"That's bullshit and you know it!"
>"PROVE IT"
>"FINE"

And then he drew this.

>"THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE ARGUING. LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT THE SUCCESS OF CHEESE IN ALL CHEESE-RELATED FIELDS, FOOL, AND DESPAIR AT HOW NON-CHEESE SUCKS AT ALL OF THOSE THINGS. IT WILL FOREVERMORE BE IN THE CHEESE'S SHADOW. ARE YOU LOOKING? ARE YOU DESPAIRING YET? FUCKING DO IT."

Now they mention it when anyone says their character is good at anything. Or any other time they feel like it's been too long since the last time it was brought up.

>>24918451
The girl was insistent however, as whatever it was they were talking about had sounded awfully important.

The party, agreed that it was their own business and that they would just have to someone else teach the orcs to farm.

The girl, surprised, ask to know more. The halfling told her that it was big folk business and nothing for them to get mixed up in. The girl, however, demanded that she be told about whatever it was that was going on, as she was now quite sure that it sounded important, adding that they knew all about farming.

It was only a matter of time before the human girl, who was apparently the halfling's daughter somehow, was cheerfully telling the party that they'd be along presently, they just had to gather their things and say goodbye to everyone, they'd been living here for quite some time, so it might take a bit.

The party, a bit confused, but nonetheless grateful, wandered away from the shrine, wondered amongst themselves what had just happened, then decided they didn't care all that much and just headed back the the Grandfather's den so they could eat and drink and gamble while they waited.

Before too awfully long, the scarred halfling fellow came along and rather gruffly told them that it it was time to go, so they'd better hurry up before he changed his mind about the whole business.

>>24918649
On the journey back to the orc town, they discussed the situation and what was to be done about it. The halfling expressed worries that the whole business was probably pointless at this point, but granted that he supposed they had to at least give it a shot and could always bug out if worse came to worst, adding that if anything should befall his daughter he'd be coming for them. She, for her part, remained cheerfully, if cautiously, optimistic.

When they arrived in the town's vicinity, they found it embroiled in an all out battle, not between orcs and humans as they had feared, but between orcs, humans and enormous, acid-spewing insect monsters, which the necromancer immediately identified as ankhegs (he'd actually had occasion to dissect one or two in his previous adventure, back in his days with that adventuring company).

The crew immediately joined the battle and proceeded to kick ass. The bulk of the fighting was naturally done be the party, the halfling fellow quickly revealed himself to be quite a competent (and rather underhanded) fighter. Even the girl held her own with her short sword.

Once the battle was over, the orcs, not about to let good meat and chitin go to waste, proceeded to prepare the ankhegs for rendering while the dazed humans struggled to come to terms with the surprising fact that the orcs seemed to have just saved their lives.

>>24918874
The halfling, not one to sit idly by, apparently, took charge of the situation, demanding that the humans quit lazing about and get back to work. What kind of a farmer sits on his ass and lets other do all the labor?

The humans, still rather stunned by the whole ordeal, did as they were told and help to butcher the slain monstrosities (somewhat to the necromancer's chagrin; he'd wanted to do it).

It wasn't long before the halfling had, with the party's help, more or less taken charge of the whole town. They were in a tough spot. In fact, it was pretty terrible. None of them had asked for this, but here they were. For better or worse, mostly worse, they were all in this together. And now there was nothing to do but buckle down and do what needed to be done because doing what needs doing was what farmers do.

It was a message that everyone could relate to, if not necessarily fully embrace, and it got things on track. The halfling surveyed the fields to see what needed to be changed and determine what, if anything, could be salvaged. He met with the orc king and explained that, if this was going to work, he couldn't keep the humans working for him by force and managed to convince him to begin easing up on the restrictions that he had imposed upon the townsfolk. He also performed a survey of the hills that the orcs had cleared around their caves and found that they would be a good area for growing grapes and hops (see above).

>>24918510
Why am I laughing so much.
This is how I'm going to solve EVERY argument from now on.

>>24919042
Since then, the party has checked in on the little village a few times and found that things were running pretty smoothly, all things considered. Tensions are still high (obviously) and they have a long and very difficult road ahead of them, but the have a few successes to their name. The orcs' fields have become productive under the halfling's guidance. The orcs have proved better suited to growing grapes (it turns out orcs are good at picking and stomping things) and hops (which you literally just leave alone and pull down when it's time harvest) than they were are at the other crops, allowing the orcs who live in the caves to get in on the agriculture game. They now have very promising prospects for the production of alcohol (again, see above), though their wines still need to age a bit.

Finally, they have been breeding a unique breed of unusually large hog (once again, see above) that looks like it might have a lot of potential. The raising of the hogs does present considerable trouble and even danger, as they have proven to be highly aggressive. However, for whatever reason, the orcs have proven highly adept at managing the foul-tempered swine.

>>24919188
So, there you have it. The story of what I affectionately call Project: Orcfarmer. And that, friends, is all I have in at the moment. There are other stories, but I fear they will have to wait until another time. Thank you for your attantion and all your kind comments. I hope you have enjoyed reading the stories as much I enjoyed writing them. I'll stock around for a bit, maybe answer a couple of questions if you have them, but after that, I must be going.

>>24919207

The leadership of the orcs are still the brain enchanced group, right?

This means that the state of affairs can't and won't last a generation.

>>24919242
Ah, that is correct! The necromancer has foreseen this eventuality and is currently taking measures to remedy that! He is, among other things, continuing long-standing his research into magics that would enable his modifications to breed true and researching that other mysterious group of farming orcs I mentioned here: >>24915458

It's possible that he won't succeed (though I wouldn't put it beyond him) but in any event, it may be that the orcs' culture is so irrevocably warped that, whatever becomes of them, they will at least never return to their former ways. So, there's that.

>>24919325
Also, I hasten to point out that creating a lasting, sustainable society of farming orcs was never amongst his goals, at least not to begin with. He merely wanted to see if it could be done. I honestly think that the collapse of the community would hit the other party members much harder than it would the necromancer, though that is not to say that he wouldn't be a bit upset by it.

>>24919186

I'm sorry for the ridiculous arguments you'll find yourself in in the future.

My group is primarily composed of ADD-afflicted piratical sorts that quest for Ritalin Bay and never seem to quite get there. Their leader sketches them and says little until they fuck things up in-game, at which point he puts his pad of paper aside and starts dispensing orders, having apparently heard and understood everything that happened while he seemed to be distracted.

>"Dave, fire wall behind the thugs. Mark, hit the weakest-looking one with an arrow and see if he falls. You, get your hands out of my dice bag, demolish the dice tower, and roll initiative so I can figure out what you're doing. Also, someone pass me a soda."

I call him The Art Boss. He never really answers to it or anything else I call him, so I secretly believe he's a cat with a man's skin.

>>24919207
All right, I'm out. Have a lovely day (or evening or whatever), everyone!

>>24919923
Goddamn, this was a quality story. It is a shame I will never have a party that is as good as you guys.

I also still think you should write a book. Your skills as a GM and as a writer are excellent.

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Working on capping the thread. Here's part 1

>>24921740
Saved! Waiting for the rest!

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Had to break this one up into 3 pieces

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Pt 3-2

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Pt3-3

>>24924379
Very long but worth the read. Thanks, saved.

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>>24897591
God, I'm jealous of you and your group. Why do you have such awesome players, and why are you such an awesome GM.

>>24924379
I can't thank you enough for this.

>>24924379
you are a good person and people say nice things about you behind your back

This has been an incredible thread.

Hopefully someday we can listen to more of anon's stories about the renaissance necromancer.

>>24921740
>>24924099
>>24924354
>>24924368
>>24924379
Wow, thanks! I'm so glad you enjoyed the stories enough to do this!

>>24921212
>It is a shame I will never have a party that is as good as you guys.

I don't know that that's necessarily true, anon. Sure, I'm speaking from a position of privilege, having pretty consistently had good groups just by sheer dumb luck (the people I play with now are all just people I happened to go to school with at one point or another), and I don't live in a rural area (I think my city's over 200,000 people at the moment, though it's the biggest city in the area), so maybe my thoughts on the matter don't count for much, but if I figure there are lots of fun, creative people out there and a lot of them probably feel lost in a sea of terrible gaming, too. If you keep at it, you may just find the right group for you.

>>24930987
Not that my group isn't great, but you seem to infuse your group with exactly what they need to do what they want to, which is perfect. Hats off to you, also.

>>24918510
I laugh, though I do not understand why.

Not very much - we don't really do provisions in our campaigns.

In fact, the only time I've played a game where our characters ate food was Maelstrom. That system was... well, British and 80's.

>>24935302
Whoa. Your characters don't eat? Are you playing 4e races like shardminds or something? Or some kind of weird transhumanist game where food has become obsolete?

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>>24931798

It's the pacing of the repetition.

>>24888853
Ooh, story tome. Bumpan to read.