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The same female voice that woke you the last two times does so again as your transit to a new reality is interrupted by what Yellowman's come to jokingly call 'the Briefing'.

An image of a large archway constructed of obsidian and bones manifests in your minds. Crimson runes cover it, and scintillating energy coalesces in the space underneath.

"A sorceress-queen of a far off land has constructed an arcane portal to other realms. Find her castle, infiltrate it, and enter the portal to reach the next stage. Her cruelty is infamous, so finding it shouldn't be the problem. Getting there, though, will require a lot of luck, caution, and skill. Good luck and have fun!"

With that cheery farewell, all of you, voices, Yellowman, Fat, and Charlie snap back to both consciousness and corporeality as you crash to the ground on top of a grassy hill. Before you spreads a vast forest with mountains in the distance. A time-worn road leads into that forest, with the other end stretching behind you into some hills.

>>24285438
Let's take the road into the hills, away from the forest.

>>24285343
Upgrades:
Dexterity
Charisma
Health

>9 points
2 for Bluff
1 for Stealth
1 for Pistols
1 for Rifles
2 for Bluff
1 for Lore
1 for Investigations

>>24285455
"I don't like the idea of vast forests. Too much of a tactical headache," Yellowman states, swinging around and pointing. "Let's go the other way."

"Makes no difference to me, kiddo," Charlie says, shrugging.

"Stop calling me that. I'm OLDER than you!" Yellowman grumbles as the three turn and begin walking.

"How do you know?" Fat asks. "It's the tiny roots growing from your... chin, right?"

"That's a beard, and no! Yes! Sort of!" Yellowman shouts as they get moving.

It's about an hour's walk before Yellowman sees smoke rising up into the air from nearby. A small village of thatched roof huts and wooden buildings appears as the three crest a hill. It's about ten minutes walk away, and there are several townsfolk walking around, some with banners and musical instruments. Some sort of celebration appears to be taking place.

>>24285779
No evidence of electricity, or of advanced technology or industry, right?
So medieval tech.
We should be able to go there and maybe find out what's going on.

>>24285779
Right, we should ask around what town this is, the name of the lord and the realm.

>>24285817
Yellowman shakes his head.

"No technology as far as I can see. Just peasants and livestock," Yellowman comments.

>>24285505
I'm going to take all votes for level ups at 9 PM, so if you disagree with this, you've got that time to vote. Someone in the last thread made a few suggestions before logging off, so if no one else has any input, I'll average his suggestions with this post.

Rolled 50

>>24285891
Yellowman and company get out from behind the hill and begin to march towards the town.

>>24285505
2 for Bluff
1 for Stealth
1 for Pistols
1 for Rifles
2 for Melee
1 for Lore
1 for Investigations

We need a way to fight if all of our power cells get drained.

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>>24286089
"Hello friends!" Yellowman says, spreading his arms wide as several townsfolk stop to look at him. "I was wondering if I co-"

"EEEEEEEEK!" a woman shrieks, pointing at Fat-Fot-Pot. "Look at those! Three flying imps wot be buzzin' 'round 'is 'ead!"

"Familiars? Be ye a sorcerer?" a man in a blacksmith's apron asks, suspiciously.

"Look at those strange clothes!" a woman in a dirty smock says, pointing. "And that one's armor looks so strange..."

"Adventurers!" the townsfolk shout in unison as they abandon whatever celebration they were having to run back into their homes. A fat, balding man in finer clothes than the rest of the rabble approaches with a smile.

"Hello and good-daaaaay," he says. "You look tired, my friends. Tired and thirsty. I'm the owner of the Salted Pork tavern down the road. Why not follow me back and have a drink or two, hm? Rest your weary feet for a while? Get some food?"

>>24286208
"What's wrong with them; don't they know that adventurers are an opportunity to jack up the prices on everything?
"And crap, we need trade goods. We got anything we can use in trade?"

>>24286208
Now we really have to start asking about the lord's name and the name of the realm.

If anything, I'd say mucking around in town will slow us down a lot, so I say we pretend to leave town, and then take the long way around to the lord's keep.

>>24286281
Gear:
'Statler': A gauss pistol modified to accept enchanted rounds. Good at penetrating armor, with magic bullets offering additional effects. Twelve round magazine. “It's an old gun that likes to tear into things. Seemed appropriate.”

'Waldorf': A light plasma pistol modified to work with a power-recharger. Deals heavy damage to soft targets and things vulnerable to fire. Forty-shot battery. “Sick burn.” Ammo: 23/40

Scout Combat Suit: An armored jumpsuit that can accept add-ons and modifications. Currently has reactive force-shields installed. Grants extra Wounds. Has Ablative Armor and Magnetic Grappler upgrades.

Power Recharger: A conversion device capable of hooking into any power outlet with sufficient energy to provide recharging to shields or certain energy weapons.

Gummer-Brand Survival Kit: A top of the line survival kit with most of the supplies you'd need to survive for a period of time in the wilderness. Comes with a supply of MREs. “It tastes like toilet paper.” “That IS the toilet paper.”

Reality Emitter Mk.3: Reliable protection from all sorts of things that just don't make sense. Modified to also emit a Gellar Field and protective wards, providing additional defenses against demonic entities.

1 RR-1 Plasma Rifle.

1 SULC.

Electronic toolkit (Makeshift)

Narrator's Tome

Fireman Flash Drive

Portal Card: Fool

Portal Card: Tower

Damaged Comm Headset.

Buffet Rations x2.

38 Revolver with 12 rounds.

Flashlight, High Power.

Cobbled Disguise. (Modern)

$100

TF2-D Grenade Launcher http://wiki.teamfortress.com/wiki/Grenade_Launcher

Ammunition:
2 Magazines of normal Gauss Ammunition.
1 Magazine of Shocking Gauss Ammunition. ( 7/12 Doubles damage against shielded targets)
50 MFCs
9 TF2-D Grenades

>>24286388
"Perhaps we are," Yellowman says. "What's the name of the lord of this realm?"

"Oh, I can tell you all that and more back at my tavern," the fat man says, smiling. "Come along, now, and you can regale me of tales of your exploits while I keep food and drink flowing."

>>24286508
And what's the price for such generosity?

It may just be paranoia, but this guy makes me suspicious. And we remember that we're in a race; we can't stick around too long.

>>24286508

Oh great. And we might not even have any currency they want/need here.

>>24286508
This is a scam. Let's weasel our way out of it and let's find someone else to talk to. Like some old lady or something.

>>24286546
"Oh, just a trifle, a trifle, milord, my prices are fair and reasonable. Just a few gold coins for such a feast as you've ever seen. And my beds? Purest down and the finest cotton sheets. A steal at only thr-SIX gold coins a night!" he says, smiling wide. The smile fades a little as a great deal of the townsfolk emerge from their homes carrying bundles, baskets, or boxes of one sort of another. "Oh, bollocks."

"Fresh fish! Fresh fish! All you can eat for ten coins!"

"Rations, iron rations! You need 'em I got 'em! A travel pack for two weeks, only fifteen gold!"

"Ten foot poles! Can't go into dungeons without a ten foot pole! Tie a knife on the end and you've got a sturdy spears, everyone wants my ten foot pole!"

The crowd that had vanished moments before returns, pressing in on Yellowman and his companions on all sides, trying to thrust all sorts of supplies towards them.

>>24286679
Goddammit, where's Nodwick?

>>24286679
Pull out one of the grenades and threaten to kill everyone here if they don't back off.

>>24286838
Dammit, that's not going to be useful here at all. You aiming to turn the crowd violent?

>>24286881
They'll be scared shitless for a few moments before they attack us.

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>>24286710
If he's there, you don't see him.

Upgrading with these choices:

Upgrades:
Dexterity
Charisma
Health

2 for Bluff
1 for Stealth
1 for Pistols
1 for Rifles
2 for Melee
1 for Lore
1 for Investigations

>>24286838
...Why the fuck do you think they'd know what grenades are?
Scott, tell them you're broke.
That'll make them disperse.

>>24287039
Telling them you're broke ought to work too.

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>>24286911
We're in Shadows over Mystara, aren't we?

>>24286679
Scott, tell them that you're broke from getting your stuff repaired and you're looking for the next quest to do. They'll leave you alone until you come back into the village.

Rolled 92, 79, 57, 47 = 275

>>24287355
>>24287108
>>24287039
"...sorry, I'm broke. I just got all my stuff repaired, and I'm looking for a new quest," Yellowman says, narrowly avoiding being walloped by a bag of caltrops as an overeager seller tries to show them to him.

>>24287455
Scott's growing talent for bluffing is more than enough to deal with a mob of unwashed villagers.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaw..." the chorus comes from over forty mouths as the crowd begins to disperse, including the fat innkeeper, who now looks venomously at Scott.

"Can't believe I wasted my time... A poor adventurer. Whoever heard of..."

Scowling and spitting the fat man waddles off. An old man hobbles over.

"Did you say you was lookin' for a new quest?" he wheezes.

>>24287510

There is a quest we are currently on, but there's probably no harm in taking up a sidequest. It's probably the breadcrumb leading to the portal or a hint about how to get there, anyhow.

>>24287510
Tell him "Well, we've got a main quest we're on, but a sidequest to get money or better equipment would be right up our alley. No grinding, though."

>>24287552
>>24287568
"Well, I might have time for a quick job to get some better gear or money," Yellowman says. "What do you have?"

"Oh. Quick job? Hm. Not an epic quest that will bring you great fame and power?" the old man asks, hobbling closer.

>>24287805
Actually yes, this epic quest sounds pretty interesting. But only if it involves a sorceress or something like that. Something big.

>>24287805
"Does it involve evil sorceresses and gates to other worlds?"

>>24287805
Considering "Epic Quests" always have previous quests, that generally lead to sidequests, I would like to hear about it.

>>24287900
>>24287866
"Er, why yes it does!" the old man says. "In the mountains above the hills are a series of caves. One of which holds..." the old man pauses. "...the evil sorceress of Spring!"

"...the what?" Yellowman asks.

"Oh, everything's fine now that it's summer, but just you wait! When winter rolls around, it'll be endless if she isn't stopped!" the old man says. "With a vision of the icy apocalypse, I searched high and low for a hero to stop the wintery doom that awaits us. Be you him?"

"Uh... maybe?" Yellowman says. "So what, I just find her cave, cut off her head or something?"

"No!" the old man shrieks. "She'll expect that! Instead, you must discard all your worldly goods at the cave-mouth, your weapons, armor, anything of value... Enter as a pauper, a humble supplicant, and convince her to spare us poor mortals!"

This sounds like a bandit trap. But if anyone else reaches the portal, and gets ahead of us in the race, someone might use the Narrator's Tome to reshape the Meta like a super-STOB or something.

One village is nothing compared to the whole Meta.

>>24288051

Something tells me that this "sorceress" grabs the gear and whatever's in the cave gets a free snack. She may even be in cahoots with these somewhat avaricious villagers.

Rich adventurers = rob via high markup.

Poor adventurers = rob via bad ideas and sell their gear.

>>24288116
And loot.

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>>24288051
This guy serious?

>>24288116

At any rate, Yellowman & Co. can check out the cave, but not relinquish their gear. And probably shoot up some potential bandits that try to finish the job.

>>24288051

Outside of the town, check the card to see which way it glows.

Alright, so, are we going to play the role of 'dumb adventurer', go to the cave, shoot up whoever's there, take their stuff and have them point us towards the sorceress?

>>24288295

It looks that way. We really don't have any other leads as to how we can get to the Sorceress.

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>>24288051
Oh no.
Oh GOD no.

>>24288323
>>24288295
"...okay..." Yellowman says, slowly. "Where's the cave?"

"Follow me, young adventurers!" the old man says, pointing to a mountain looming in the distance. "And steel yourselves, for the cave is littered with the bones of those who have tried and failed to quench her bloodthirsty heart!"

"Kid, you sure about this?" Charlie asks, leaning over and whispering to Yellowman. "I've dealt a lotta cards over the years and I can tell this cat ain't playing with a full deck if you get what I'm sayin'."

"We can handle ourselves, and if he tries to fuck us, we've got a little thing called reserve ammunition we can introduce him to," Yellowman replies. "I'm not checking that cave out unarmed in any case."

"If you say so, mack," Charlie says with a shrug.

"Look at all those folds of skin!" Pot remarks as the old man takes the lead. "I wonder how many spores he can produce with them?"

>>24288454
I think this is a bad idea. We're wasting time here.

>>24288454
Spoiler alert.
It's a bear.
Yes. This is one of THOSE worlds.

>>24288454
Scott, this is a trap.
Have Waldorf ready, and we're going to kill something here.

>>24288454

Hey Yellowman?

You're in Oglaf.

Better tell Charlie what to expect.

Rolled 9

>>24288718
>>24288634
"So do we keep following him to the cave, or..."

>>24288718
"What's an Oglaf?"

>>24288744
Very Disturbing Comic.

The world hates its inhabitants. And often rapes them. Be on your lookout, and don't drink from any random fountains.

>>24288736
>>24288744

It's a porn/humor comic.

I assume you took your introduction to x rated metareality class?

Also the queen of spring is a bear. I'd suggest plasma and slugs.

>>24288736
I say we hold him up right now, tell him the jig's up.
If he doesn't want his head cracked open, he's got to give us money now.
We can use the money to buy information.

>>24288718
Oh, that's REAL informative.

Just to make sure:
ARE we really going all the way out to the cave?
Or do we take his money, if he has any, now?

I'd rather not muck about, especially if this is an Oglaf world; the longer we're here the greater the chance something will fuck us.

We've got 1 vote for following the guy, another for simply beating the money out of him.
Any other votes?

>>24289083
Follow him. It'll be funny.

>>24289083
I suppose we could kill the bear.
At minimum, it'll prevent some peasants from being eaten.

>>24289193
We're on a timer here, both in terms of the race, and on being able to complete this stage by the end of tonight. Or are you saying that none of that concerns you as long as you're entertained by puerile humor?

>>24289221
That's what I'm saying. I'm not in this for some grand sociopolitical statement, just a few larfs and maybe a boner.

>>24289263
Well then, fuck you, because I'm here for that early completion bonus.
Go read Oglaf if that's all you want.

>>24289083
Eh, follow for now.
Scott'll have to learn how this world works the hard way.

>>24289295
>Go read Oglaf if that's all you want.
You're the quest writer, are you? Go fuck yourself you shrieking baby.

>>24289298
>Scott'll have to learn how this world works the hard way.
Why? The whole purpose of us being in his head is so that we tell him things and he avoids delays and danger.

>>24289216
The peasants don't matter, getting to the goal before any other Meta Faction does matter.
Besides, our shields are depleted and we need to conserve ammo until we get to a world that has an energy grid that can recharge us.

>>24289353
We also have the problem of "No money and a need to protect ourselves."

We're going to face a sorceress. We need something to protect us from magic. If we can manage to get some loot out of killing the bear (and a traitorous asshole) then we'll be set for a little bit. Hopefully, we'll find a magic item around here.

>>24289327
How about you do everyone a favor and go fuck a knife, cunt.

>>24289391
Shoot the asshole, use his blood to lure the bear and then kill said bear.

>>24289391
Not just any sorceress.
If it's who I'm thinking of, we're fucked.
Literally.

>>24289391
We don't need to go to the cave, though. Assuming that this is the same guy as from the comic, we get him to lead us to his shack that has all of the stuff from previous adventurers.
The bear's cave itself just has the bear and bones.

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>>24289403
Voting to go meet the bear. Suck my cock, faggot.

>>24289295
Due to my updates being delayed due to extremely last minute taxes, you won't be finishing this tonight, but it won't be held against you.

So don't worry about it.

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>>24289444
If it is her, we have more problems than just a bear.

I suppose Ivan could be used as a distraction.

>>24289502
What we need is a way to sneak into the palace and get to the gate. Fighting her, or her guards, would lead quickly to failure.

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>>24289560
My suggestion is to try this path. We have plasma weapons, we should be able to open it back up. And hopefully nobody will expect it.

>>24289829
We have no idea what part of the castle that entrance is though.
Still, it's our best bet.

>>24289495
Now that that's done, tallying the votes says Yellowman goes to the cave.

The old man leads the three wanderers from another world through the hills up a steep mountain trail. The air starts getting colder and colder, a fierce wind picking up.

"Aha!" the old man shouts. "See now the power of the evil sorceress! It begins to grow more wintery already!"

"I think it's because we're ascending a mountain so the atmos-" Yellowman begins.

"That's what she WANTS you to think!" the old man shouts back. "Don't fall for her evil tricks!"

The moon is high in the sky, and the wind howls with a biting chill when the group finally comes upon a cave mouth.

"At last we arrive... behold the evil lair of the snow queen!" the old man says, gesturing wildly at the dark cavern.

"I thought you said it was the evil sorceress of Spring?" Charlie asks.

"Yes, yes, she has many names and so forth. Now, quickly, enter and defeat the monstrous maiden! I'll look after your gear here for you," the old man says.

>>24290020
Alright I've had enough of this wiseass. Feed him a rifle butt to the face.

>>24290020
"Defeat the maiden, eh.
Didn't you say we had to beg for her to spare your village? I think you should go first, old man.
Or if you don't want to be eaten by the bear, just show us where your shack is."

>>24290020
Scott, introduce this old man's gut to the butt of your plasma rifle.
"Alright, old man, where's the stuff that you've been looting from adventurer's stupid enough to fall for your trick?"

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>>24290044
>>24290059
>>24290090
"OK, I've had enough of this farce," Scott says, smacking the butt of his plasma rifle into the old man's face. "Now you've got two choices. Either go first into the cave or show us where your shack is. Either way, we're walking out of here with all the stuff you've taken from the idiots stupid enough to fall for the old bear trick."

"H-how did... Hmph! Very well!" the old man draws himself up to his full height and marches into the cave mouth.

>>24290020
Seems trustworthy enough to me.

Strip nude but have the old man strip as well. His presence is undoubtedly sensed by this great and evil sorceress and him not stripping as well would do nothing but anger her. Also have him come in with you as otherwise she'll know that you have someone hiding behind and won't take well to that.

This story has too many holes not to be the truth.

>>24290235
Scott, get ready; the guy's going to call the bear out to attack you.

Rolled 19, 26, 59 = 104

>>24290266
A cunning plan sadly received just short of fast enough.

>>24290277
Scott swears and brings up the plasma rifle just as the old man bolts into the cave, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Wake up, my queen, your subjects are here for dinner!"

In less than a minute, a huge bear with a golden crown on its head bounds from the cave mouth, roaring and charging straight for Yellowman!

Rolled 10

>>24290395
Yellowman fires with Waldorf, but the shot goes wide, Charlie swearing a blue streak as the bear's charge pushes him to the side, causing him to stumble, fall, and loose aim with Gertrude. The bear headbutts Yellowman in the gut, causing the Scout Commander to grunt with pain, stumble back, then windmill his arms comically around as his feet encounter the edge of the mountainside.

"I HATE MOUNTAAAAAAAINS!" Yellowman screams as he falls off the edge, hands desperately gripping for any sort of lifeline...

>>24290478
Dammit, looks like it's time to reroll.

>>24290395
FFP, have your plant self fire Stun Spores on the bear, have your other two selves follow Yellowman and see if he can grab your platforms. The extra weight probably means he won't stop, but it should slow him enough for him to grab something.

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Rolled 11

>>24290478
The Scout Commander sails off the edge, loosing sight of the other two as gravity starts to pull him down towards a series of jagged rocks.

Thinking fast, Yellowman raises the Magnetic Grappler and fires!

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Rolled 23

>>24290509
>>24290535

A SURVIVOR POINT is burnt. Yellowman rerolls!

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Rolled 72

>>24290579
ANOTHER SURVIVOR POINT is burnt!

Yellowman rerolls!

You only have ONE Survivor Point left!

>>24290605
Finally some good news.

Rolled 55, 37 = 92

>>24290605
Yellowman fires the Magnetic Grappler at the mountainside, the super-strong cable lancing out and digging into the rock, painfully slamming Yellowman against the cliff-face while the retort of shotgun blasts echo from above.

"I hate my life. Did I ever mention that? I think I mentioned that," Yellowman comments as he dangles from the mountainside, a few hundred feet worth of empty air under his feet.

>>24290646
Oooh, Charlie got doubles.

>>24290646
We're not exactly fans of it either.
Now do you think you can get back to the summit or whatever?

>>24290646
Goddamn.
Come on, Scott, Rell yourself back up.

>>24290535
That's doubles. Does Charlie's special effect that and is it enough of a difference to save those two survivor points?

>>24290711
No because those were rolls pertaining to something else.

>>24290661
>>24290685
"Yeah, yeah, quit your bitching," Scott grumbles as he begins to climb up the mountainside again.

It takes a few minutes of hard, treacherous climbing, but thanks to the Magnetic Grappler, and Scott's own survival training, he manages to crawl back up over the cliffside. Once he does, he sees a dead bear sprawled out in front of the cave. Charlie stands near it, smoking a cigarette, while Fat-Fot-Pot flies around excitedly.

"Commander!" Fat happily says. "You're all right!"

"You don't die easy, getting back up from a spill like that," Charlie comments, exhaling a long plume of smoke. "I'd of helped... but I was sorta busy with putting down the NCR's mascot here."

"So noted," Yellowman says with a sigh. "That could've gone a lot better."

"Could've gone a lot worse too, pal. We're all still standing," Charlie notes. "More than I can say for this overgrown Teddy here."

Scott nods. "Give me a minute to collect my thoughts."

>>24290824
What about the old man? Time to beat some money and equipment out of him, and Charlie's got experience in that field.

>>24290824
Any of you good at skinning? The bear meat and hide is probably worth something, as is the crown if it's real. Also where's the old man.

>>24290824
I'm confused as to what else it might be pertaining to?

>>24290579
>>24290605
These rolls pertain to this ->>>24290535 and that roll is doubles.

>>24290824
The bear could be worth something for the hide and maybe meat, but getting it back to the village is a pain.

You could probably pawn the tiara though.

Rolled 31, 54, 97 = 182

>>24290903
Oh I thought you meant the 55. No, the bonus is not enough.

>>24290904
>>24290886
"If you got a knife and time, I can try. Used to do it all the time with Geckos," Charlie says when Yellowman asks.

>>24290877
"Let's go beat up the old man first. Man, I thought I'd never have to say that again," Yellowman comments as he leads Charlie into the cave.

>>24291114
Damn. Oh well, it was worth asking.

>>24291114
Look, Yellowman, you should know that there are just some worlds in the Meta that have assholes that you'll want to smash the buttstock of a rifle into their face.

Can you honestly tell me that you wouldn't suckerpunch an Adolf Hitler, or shoot Pol Pot in the kneecaps, or give Ghiren Zabi a face-full of bazooka?
Sure, this old man isn't a genocidal madman like the other examples, but he still killed dozens of people by leading them to their deaths and looting their bodies.
Just because he's not as prolific as Luis Garavito or Gary Ridgway, doesn't mean he should get away with what he's done.

>>24291246
What if we encounter Good Hitler who was a Paragon of Virtue in his home reality.

>>24291277
Then I qualify my earlier statement as "suckerpunch an Adolf Hitler guilty of instigating a genocidal regime, or shoot Pol Pot who oversaw the creation of the Killing Fields in the kneecaps, or give a Ghiren Zabi guilty of using nerve gas on 3 million civilians 3 seconds after declaring war and causing the death of nearly 1/3 of humanity in the resulting Operation British"

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>>24290904
>Gain Golden Tiara.

>>24291246
"Yeah, yeah, I hear you," Yellowman mutters.

"I didn't say anything," Charlie says, confused.

"Oh," Yellowman says, looking around with a look of feigned confusion, pulling out his flashlight. "Must be hearing things."

The cavern floor is littered with bones and stalagmites a plenty as the two men look around, Yellowman playing the flashlight over the area, and pausing once he sees something.

"Old man, you're going to show us where your stolen goods are or I'm going to show you what the inside of your nose looks like," Yellowman says. After a few seconds pass with no response, he sighs. "I know you're hiding behind that rock-pillar, I can see that stupid cloak flutter out from it."

A stream of cursing later and the old man emerges.

"Fine! Steal from an old man! Take my bread and broth why don't you? Why not take the very cloak off my back?!" the old man curses.

"That's not a bad idea, it's cold up here and my suit's all busted. Yoink!" Charlie says, reaching over and pulling the fur cloak off of the old man in a smooth motion.

"Hey! That's-"

The old man is interrupted as Yellowman slams the butt of his plasma rifle into his face, sending him spinning back.

"That's for trying to sick a bear on me and making me fall off a mountain. I HATE FALLING OFF OF MOUNTAINS!" Yellowman shouts. "Now lead the way to the loot or I'm going to melt your face off."

Five minutes later, Charlie, Fat, and Scott are in a small shack built into the mountainside. There are jars of strange things, a supply of firewood, some food... Nothing too extravagant except for a small selection of swords laying against a wall.

"This is it?" Charlie asks.

"The people who fell for the bear trap generally weren't very well off," the old man grumbles. "If they were, I wouldn't have had to keep doing this. Coin's already spent on food, but there's the swords if you like."

>>24291403
Charlie, check to make sure the Fur Cloak isn't actually a Flat Bear. They blown in on the easterly winds, you know.

Yellowman, see if there's anything good in the swords. Let's not take the old man's food or shit though.

>>24291403
Take a couple of the sharper swords, maybe use them to skin the bear?
I think you guys might be able to go slowly and steadily on this leg, as I'm predicting heavy casualties for our opposition.

>>24291403
First, Scott, make sure that the cloak is a cloak, and not a bear that's flat and takes the form of a cloak. Don't look at me, it's a fucking fantasy world; their world, their rules.
Take all the swords.
We'll need to identify them and pawn them.
Also make sure to keep one for yourself, Scott. We don't know how many worlds in this race you'll be able to recharge in, and having a sword is better than nothing.

I'm tempted to say just shoot the old man, but that's up to you.

>>24291467

Could try hitting the top part of the cloak with the butt of his rifle real hard a couple of times.

>>24291403
>>24291485

Perhaps the former bouncer Charlie and disgruntled/vastly underpaid scout commander Yellowman could try to pry some information from the old man about any sorceresses nearby? Or people who would know about that sort of thing?

>>24291467
Fire a bullet into the cloak.

>>24291655
We've got swords now, better to just hit the cloak with a sword than to waste ammo.

>>24291603
You want to trust the guy that gives info leading to the listener's doom, who we just robbed?
Better to go back to town, sell unneeded swords, take the money, and buy the info from a tavern.

Rolled 87

>>24291467
>>24291471
>>24291485
>>24291603
Charlie makes sure that the fur cloak is fine as Yellowman gathers up the swords.
>Gained seven swords.

"Hey you know anything about a sorceress?" Yellowman asks.

"Only the Thaumaturge the villagers were celebrating," the old man says. "She wiped out the goblins that were nearby the other day."

Charlie attempts to skin the bear...

>>24291773
"Ha! Knew I didn't lose the old touch!" Charlie cheers as he rolls up a bloody fur, the bear corpse now denuded of its skin. "Give me a minute more, I'll slice off some bear steaks to take with us if we need meat."

"Good idea," Yellowman says. "Here, I'll split what's left of what food I scraped up with you when you're done."

"You're all right, Yellowman. You're all right," Charlie says.

>>24291795
>Gained BEAR FUR
>Lose BUFFET RATION.

>>24291806
Well this was kind of worthwhile, since now when you return to the village you'll soon have currency to spend.

While there, a good bet would be to ask if any other exceptionally strange adventurers had passed through the area, and what direction they went.

>>24291795
Hey, Scott, ask Charlie if there were any real assholes among the other racers during the meet-and-greet back at the beginning of the race.
The Thaumaturge hates assholes and dicks, so if there's a real douchebag among the other racers, we might be able to get her help against them, or at least, a boost for us.

>>24291837
While doing this, go back to the town.
Scott, any of the swords feel good in your hands? We want to keep one and sell the others.

>>24291837
Ask Charlie who he remembers among the racers at the meet and greet in general

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17 KB JPG

Rolled 12

>>24291837
"I got a bit of a late start, so I didn't meet everyone... Heh, my love of the roulette tables caught up with me at the casino there. But yeah, there was one guy that struck me as a real slimeball. Wore a real nice suit, had this twig in a button up and glasses always following him around with one of them Pip-Boys you don't wear on your wrist. He seemed to be deliberately waiting for most of the racers to get going before he left, and the look in his eyes... Whooo! Brothers, I've dealt with some low lifes as a bouncer, but that sort of look is the thing you usually see right before you take a knife to the gut. From what little I heard he's a crime boss from wherever he's from."

>>24291909
"Ah geez, well let me think. There was a guy... no, actually. Two guys were all suited up in that snazzy power armor I hear the techies all talk about. Didn't look like anything I'd ever heard of though, maybe the Enclave made it. Anyway, one was a real cool customer, took his helmet off and schmoozed like a pro with the rest of us. Had a robot buddy with him. From the way they carried themselves, they must've seen their share of fights. The other guy, he kept to himself. Huge, that's how I'd talk about him. Huge armor, huge gun, huge everything. He had a companion too, sweet little thing in black power armor inna same style as his. But his was blue. Anyway, they kept their distance from everyone else, I got the impression they were restraining themselves from blowing all of us up on principle or something."

Charlie pauses. "Lemme think if I can think of anyone else..."

>>24292066
"Sorry, most of the others are just a blur. If my memory gets jogged, I'll let you know, though."

>>24292066
Alright. First we've got to fence these swords. You figure out which one you're going to keep, Scott?

Rolled 40

>>24291886
Scott ends up selecting a long single edged sabre, much in the style of a calvary sword. Charlie takes a machete-like short sword, the blade thick and angular.

Charlie finishes butchering the bear in short order, handing the meat over to Scott to store in some of his many pouches while rummaging up a backpack from the shack to put the rest in.

>Gain Bear Steaks x12.

"As for you old man..." Yellowman turns, unholstering Waldorf as he does so. "I should probably kill you."

The old man's face pales as Scott levels the pistol and fires.

"OW OW OW OW OW!" The old man screeches, jumping up and down on one foot as plasma burns off the other.

"...but killing unarmed people bugs me, so I'll just maim you," Yellowman finishes. Pot flies up into the old man's face.

"Now don't. Do it. AGAIN!" the fungus yells as three begin to depart. The old man hops up and down furiously, pounding his fists uselessly against the mountainside.

"You cursed wretches!" he shrieks at the top of his lungs. A low rumbling is audible in the distance. "You'll be sorry for this, you hear me?! YOU'LL BE SORRY!"


The old man hops forward a little bit and puts his hands to his mouth, screaming loudly once more.

"SOOORR-"

His words are cut off as an avalanche of snow cascades down from above, burying the old man and his shack in mere minutes, and causing Yellowman, Fat, and Charlie to turn. Wordlessly, they turn back, eyes wide and begin running as a wall of white crashes towards them.

>>24292200
"You know how you said you hate mountains, I think I'm beginning to agree with you!" Charlie says as he hoofs it down the mountain trail.

"I'm not sure I can qualify it as mere 'hate' anymore!" Scott shouts, pumping his legs as the avalanche slowly begins to gain.

"Waaaaaa!" Fat says. "We're all going to die! We're all goi- wait a minute! I'm on a hover-disc!"

With that, Fat-Fot-Pot simply flies up into the sky.

"You traitor!" Yellowman shouts, shaking his fist. "Come down and suffer with the rest of us!"

"I can't hear you over the avalanche Commander, sorry!" Pot says, the aliens keeping pace with the others, but hovering a safe distance away.

"You-BWAAAAA!"

Whatever Scott was going to say is cut off as the wall of snow finally catches up with him and Charlie, knocking their feet out from underneath them and carrying them screaming down the mountainside.

A few minutes later, a cold and shaking hand breaks through a huge mound of snow at the foot of the mountain. With a huge gasp of air, Yellowman bursts up from the mound looking like a demented snowman. Charlie is directly behind, the two breathing heavily for a few minutes before shakily standing and dusting all the snow off.

"Well... it got us down faster," Charlie says, tightening his new cloak around him. "Maybe... Maybe we can write it off as a short-cut."

"Yes. Short cut," Yellowman agrees. "We took a short cut. Race. Save time."

"Right," Charlie nods.

"Right," Yellowman nods back.

"Hey guys!" Fat-Fot-Pot says, floating back down at long last. "Glad to see you're all right!"

"That looked really fun!" Pot comments, cheerfully. "Almost made me wish I was down there running with you! Well, made me wish I had legs, first."

"We had our doubts, Commander, but you really do make the best out of bad situations. Look at how fast we made it back down the mountain thanks to you!" Fat says, approvingly.

"Yes," Yellowman says, a vein in his forehead bulging. "Shortcut. Good."

>>24292298
Don't worry too much about it, Scott.
Speaking realistically, FFP will most likely end up dead by the end of this. They don't have RED-2, cortical stacks, ReRaise items, or access to a spellcaster that can raise from the dead.

Now, did you lose any items? Still got all the swords?
If so, let's turn those swords into gold coins, and then get some information. And make sure they don't gouge you on the price. Have Charlie make an example if he needs to.

>>24292367
"NEITHER DO I!!!" Scott roars. Charlie and Fat-Fot-Pot startle at the unexpected outburst.

"Neither you what?" they ask in unison.

"Never you mind!" Scott scolds. "Everyone's got their stuff? Nothing was lost? Good! Then let's go back to the stinking hill town and get something accomplished for once!"

And this is where we end for tonight. To be continued, tomorrow at 8!

early morning bump

Missed the thread today. Hope nothing bad happened.

>>24292066
>Guy in a real nice suit
>Has a skinny dude with a shirt and glasses and a computer of some kind following him
>Complete and utter lowlife
Not ringing any bells.

>Guy in power armor
>Takes his helmet off
>Socialises like a pro
>Has a robot buddy
Might be one of the Commander Shepards, but the existence of only 1 buddy throws me off considerably, since he normally has 2 allies.

>Huge guy
>Keeps to himself
>Huge armor
>Huge gun
>Huge everything
>Small companion in black power armor
>Huge guy is wearing blue power armor
Can't think of anything matching "Big blue dude in a robot suit". Tychus Findlay from SC2 might be a match but who the hell would he have as a companion? Can't be him.

>>24292435
What's our Wounded status?
I recall Charlie being really badly wounded. We should probably either Medkit or dual Fat heal him.

>>24295176
Yellowman Wounds 3/ Shields 0 (max 3/2)
FFP Wounds 3 (max 3)
Charlie Wounds 2 (max 5)

>>24295159
Just a note you can ask questions and try to probe for details.

>>24297681
You forgot Yellowman has one point of Ablative Armor that gets restored by being repaired. (It's currently expended.)

>>24295159

>Power armored people
>Huge blue power armored with huge gun and huge gun accessories.
>Woman in black-style power armor.
>General dislike for everyone.

Perhaps a Space Marine and a Callidus Assasin?

>>24295159
>>24299477

Tychus and Raynor, dumbasses.

>>24299748
Who's the robot buddy and the woman in black power armor, then?

>>24299477
We can ask Charlie if the blue power armor had an Ultramarines symbol on it, by carving the symbol on the ground.

>>24302873
But they had a robot. That's a forbidden intelligence, right?

>>24302902
No. The one pair is the huge guy and the woman in black power armor. The other pair is a guy who took off his helmet and had a robot buddy. Two different pairs.

>>24303104
So ask if the social guy had N7 on his armor, and if the blue guy had the Ultramarine symbol, or lots of skulls on his.

>>24303440
"Hey Charlie, did the social guy have any markings on his armor? Something like an N-7?" Yellowman asks.

"What? He had an insignia, but not an N-7. It was a blue noongon... No, a ninagon... Uh..."

"Nonagon?" Yellowman asks.

"Yeah, thanks! A blue nonagon between two golden circles," Charlie nods.

"Did the huge guy have anything on his armor?" Yellowman asks.

"Yeah. Both him and the dame in black had a ton of skulls with wings on them. The huge guy had a weird lookin' 'U' on him too," he nods.

"Fantastic," Yellowman sighs.

It's either early morning or extremely late night when the three make it back to the village. There isn't much sight of anyone around given the hour.

"I would murder the nearest living thing to me if it guaranteed a few hours of sleep," Yellowman murmurs. Fat-Fot-Pot and Charlie look at each other for a moment, then quietly hover and step back a few feet from Yellowman, respectively.

>>24304057
Great. None of the shops are open yet, it seems. May as well find a weapon shop and camp out in front of it for a few hours.

>>24304445

If they have a tanner here, we might be able to palm off the bear hide for a few gold pieces. Buy some more rations and such for the journey.

I'd also say to buy healing potions, but knowing the way this town works, they're probably just bottles of colored water at best.

Before saying we're there to sell, we should ask what the prices for his weapons are. That'll give us a baseline for what price to ask for the swords when we sell them.

Rolled 80, 45, 12, 23 = 160

>>24304445
The trio stagger around until they find a blacksmith's shop, and sit down around the door.

Charlie wraps himself in his fur cloak and lies down on the ground against the wall.

"Wouldn't be the first time I've had to sleep on the streets, mack," he comments before closing his eyes.

"Fat can you take watch?" Yellowman asks, leaning against the stone building.

"I don't require much... I guess you'd call it sleep, so yes. If I find the need to, I'll switch with Pot or Fot. You just get as much rest as you need, Commander," the plant says, soothingly.

"I'm napping against a stone wall," Yellowman grouses. "I doubt it'll be all that restful. Wake me when the storekeep gets here."

"Will do, Commander!" Fat says.

"You got it!" Pot agrees. "We'll keep a sharp... uh, eye equivalent over you, don't you worry!"

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>>24304624
When Yellowman wakes up, he is greeted by the sight of a very chagrined Fat-Fot-Pot.

"...we didn't keep a sharp eye equivalent over you," Pot says, remorsefully.

"We tried Commander, honestly we did, but they were just so big and we couldn't get you to wake up!" Fat says. "Pot sent some of them to sleep, but they still managed to..."

"What?" Yellowman asks, rousing to full wakefulness. "What did they take?!"

"Uh...." Pot begins. "...the crown. Sorry."

"But we stopped them from taking the swords!" Fat says. "And all your other stuff! That's something, right?"

Yellowman makes several references to Fat-Fot-Pot's parents or Zoq-Fot-Pik equivalent thereof as he stands.

>FFP healed Charlie up to 4 Wounds.
>FFP regained ability uses from rest.
>Lost Golden Crown.

>>24304830
Where did they go? I want our crown back.

>>24304830

Well, nothing we can do about it now. Has the blacksmith opened up? Is it still early in the morning, or is the town waking up?

>>24304980
"Uh... that way... somewhere?" Fat indicates to the east. "We would've followed, but we thought it better to stay and guard."

"A good thing too!" Pot puts in. "There were... things that wanted to do... stuff to you."

"We don't want to talk about it," Fat says. "But we suggest not sleeping on the street again."

>>24305006
"That's why we woke you! He just went in, should be open now," Fat says, bobbing up and down.

Check the blacksmith then. I doubt we'll be able to find the crown again.

>>24305059
See if Charlie has spent any time as a merchant in the past.

>>24305059
>>24305244
Or as a hunter/tracker.

>>24305233
>>24305244
Yellowman enters the blacksmith's, a small foyer filled with marvelous blades and pieces of armor on display racks dominating the 'customer' area. Behind a counter the sound of whooshing bellows and clanging metal is heard. An old man with a beard and moustache is visible from an open doorway in the next room.

>>24305244
"A merchant? Hell no, man, me and numbers, we don't get along too well," Charlie says. "Unless those numbers are on a playin' card if you catch my drift."

>>24305306
Greet the blacksmith warmly, as to see a few examples of his work and their prices.

>>24305362
*ask

>>24305306
Sell swords, acquire dosh. Gold pieces are pretty valuable and accepted in a bunch of places.
After that, we should head for where-ever we can talk about that sorceresses' castle, since we eventually need to go there.
Oglaf is kind of a lethal place, so it makes me uneasy staying here.
Are our Bear Flanks cooked? we should probably do that so they don't spoil within 2 days.

I'm not too familiar with Oglaf, but I know it's got Wand golems and Fountains of doubt and Vagina towers.

>>24305410
I'm not sure that it is Oglaf. We haven't had a sex pun made by the OP Yet.

>>24305782
Probably waiting for the right time to stick one in.

>>24305782
That bear was from a specific comic. This is Oglaf.

>>24305362
>>24305410
You'd love to cook them, but no fire.

"Good day, sir," Yellowman says, entering. "Can I see a few examples of your work?"

"Eh? You blind or something? The shop's filled with them!" the blacksmith says, gesturing to all the weapons and armor for sale.

"Oh... I didn't know they were yours," Yellowman says, quickly. "Well, what are they priced at?"

"Can't read either? There's price tags all around," the blacksmith grunts. Yellowman frowns.

"...yeah. Anyway, I'd like to sell some swords," Yellowman says. The blacksmith spits.

"Bring 'em here an' lemme see then."

After a bit of haggling, Yellowman manages to get 100 gold coins for the five swords he sells.

>>24306211
Cool!
Ask him where we can get some cooked food, i.e. directions to an inn or a food house.
Also ask him where ADVENTURERS usually hang around. We sort of need directions to a sorceress' place.

>>24306211
Those were awfully cheap swords, or we got gypped.

>>24306211
100gp? Sounds like we got ripped off.
Now ask where there's a tavern or inn besides the Salted Pig. I'd rather go somewhere else than that place.

We need to ask where the evil sorceress lives.

>>24306279
>>24306385

Well, those poor souls that got eaten by the bear were pretty much impoverished adventurers. They probably didn't have a lot of funds to buy good stuff with, and the best items were already looted by Yellowman and Charlie.

Seconding scouting for taverns/inns for kitchens to use. We don't want a seedy place or an adventurer/tourist trap, but maybe a tavern that the regulars use.

>>24306533
I just took a look at the D&D wiki for sword prices. I think we ripped him off. My mistake.

>>24306256
"Salted Pork Inn, down the road," the blacksmith grunts, going back to hammering a piece of steel on his anvil.

>>24306385
"A place OTHER than the Salted Pork?" Yellowman asks. "I got a bad feeling from the owner."

"Whaddya, too good for the Salted Pork?" the blacksmith sneers. "You a woman or somethin'? Well, we don't have no fancy taverns for your ladyship, but your only other alternative is the Tanked Golem. It's a roadside inn a bit down the way."

"Where do adventurers usually hang out?" Yellowman asks.

"Looking for a date, miss?" the blacksmith snorts. "Either inn. Any inn."

>>24307091
Well, Tanked Golem I assume. Keep an eye out for ... well, fucking shenanigans from everyone.

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>>24307091
Great blacksmith, I have heard that you are a man who can create armor rivaled by no other.

What do you charge for such great armor, oh master blacksmith?

>>24307091
Oh. THIS guy. Whatever we do, we are NOT getting armor right now.

>>24307205
>>24307201
"I hear you make unrivaled armor," Yellowman says. "What do you charge for such great work?"

"Depends on what you ask for. If you want to window shop, look at what's on display or find another store. I hear Herrick's stocks perfumes now," the blacksmith says, spitting into the forge.

>>24307415
Good ol' surly blacksmith. Let's just head to the Tanked Golem and hope there aren't any fucking inventor gnomes or dwarves there. And that the entire Inn isn't a metaphor for a vagina.

>>24307415
"Really? Unrivaled work? You mean the shit piles you've got on display? I've seen better workmanship from an elf! You see this armor? True nanotechnology ablative combat armor, best that energy credits can buy from the Federation's Corps of Engineers. You don't have a thousandth of the skill needed to fix something of this quality without getting your own perverted womanly thoughts on it."

Goad him into repairing the armor.

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>>24307571

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>>24307571
CAUTION

>>24307415
Ask his advice on proper beard growth. Mention on how you're trying to find a portal held by some stupid sorceress.

>>24307571
NO. We do not want the words SLUT or WHORE or any variation thereof on the Armor. If we want armor, buy a helmet or something for Charlie to wear.

Rolled 100

>>24307571
Scott opens his mouth to Bluff...

>>24307691
:V

>>24307691
I sense a great disturbance in the force. I suspect every other quest thread just rolled a 1.

Rolled 47, 86, 57, 35, 40, 43, 78, 9, 13, 8, 91, 76 = 583

>>24307706
MEANWHILE, ON AN UNRELATED AREA...

A squad of Xcom rookies heads forward. Thus far progress has been reasonably fast.
However, they seem to have hit a snag.
An army of COCKCHRYSSALIDS bear down upon them.
Inflicting anything they touch not with death, and not with chryssalids, but with infectious overwhelming homosexuality.

The rookies are in a loose formation, with many in each-others' line of fire. But they must fire.
And so they do.

>>24285343
A reminder of our active abilities:
Hookshot

FFP can:
Heal 2/day
Stun 3/day (50+)
Poison cloud 1/day
Move forward and scout

Charlie can:
Reroll 1/day
Gives bonus to Dubs
Gains critstrings on his actions
Also has the big red button of "Roll 2 dice, take whichever is furthest away from 50.5". Which we should never use.

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>>24307691
"It's probably for the best, you're good, but I've seen way better," Yellowman says, shrugging and turning around. "You probably can't even fix the armor plating I've got for this."

"Pfah! What do you know about armor?" the blacksmith says, waving his hammer around. "You're walking around in a breastplate and kneepads! Might as well be a chainmail bra and thong!"

"I know that no blacksmith I've met in all these lands has been able to repair my gear," Scott says, turning. "Crafted from otherworldly metals with bizarre techniques, their meager skills fall short. Their hammer-arms fall limp, like a woman's. No matter how hard they try, they end up crying into their ale, tearing off their beards in shame."

"I don't know what kinda ladymen blacksmiths you've met, but I can repair anything, anytime," the blacksmith snarls, stomping over to Yellowman and slamming a finger repeatedly into his breastplate.

"I'd love to see you prove it, but even if you could... and I don't think you can, I couldn't afford to pay you for all the time and effort you'd need to expend to comprehend even the basic-"

"HOGWASH AND BEARSPITTLE!" the blacksmith roars. "Give me your damn armor and I'll have it done in hours! It sounds barely worth my time, so don't bother paying me! But when it's done and you get the best armor you've ever worn, you march out of here watchin' that tongue of yours closer, boy!"

"Oh, of course," Yellowman smoothly says, removing the armor and placing it on the counter.

A few minutes later, he walks out in his scout jumpsuit, the blacksmith furiously hammering at the armor at his forge. A grin breaks out on his face as he flashes a thumbs up at Charlie and Fat-Fot-Pot.

"Might take him a while. Shall we check out one of the inns?" Yellowman suggests.

>100
>You get away with no tit-armor this time.
>THIS time.

>>24307990
Might as well.

How many Wounds does Yellowman have without it?

>>24308025
Three.

You head down the road to the Tanked Golem inn. A two story wooden building with a smoking chimney and a thatched roof, the inn's interior is filled with traveler's of all shapes and sizes. A bald bartenders polishes a glass mug behind an oaken bar, bottles of strange and exotic liquors lined up behind him.

>>24308150
Ask about Sorceress-Queen
(see >>24289502)
Ask about getting Bear meat cooked

Someone with more Oglaf lore than me, tell me if anything here is the Legendary Beer of Summons Bears or can kill you in some way.

>>24308203
So far, no. But we're staying away from Iguanas at all costs.

>>24308203
"Hey barkeep. A favor if you would," Yellowman says, sidling up to the bar. "My friend and I just killed a bear and we'd like to cook the meat. Can he use your kitchen?"

The barkeep frowns for a moment.

"If you buy something, I guess it wouldn't hurt. I'll ask the cook, though," he says.

"Thanks," Yellowman replies. "Say, know anything about a Sorceress-Queen?"

The barkeep's face pales as clamps a hand over Yellowman's mouth.

"Shh-shshsh! What are you stupid? You don't talk so openly about her anywhere, her capriciousness is as legendary as her lack of modesty!" the innkeep hisses. "Her spies are everywhere, too."

>>24308424
Okay. If we wanted to COMPLETELY AVOID her, what is the LAST place we should go to accomplish this?

>>24308444
"Now you're talking sense!" the barkeep nods. "Her nation is the other way down the road, through the Cursed Forest, past the Mountains of Misery, and just a bit further than the Swamp of Apathy and the Plains of Irritation. Honestly we're as close as you can get before things start getting really dangerous."

>>24308424

Also, ask what he's got for sale; wouldn't hurt to get some breakfast.

>>24308574
>>24308589
And ask if there's anyone in town who'd be a guide for 10 gold.

>>24308574
If someone finds themselves in her lands, and wishes to GET AWAY from them via the SAFEST ROUTE.
What ROUTE should they take, to MOVE THROUGH the lands to safety?
Because, it would be smart to AVOID the cursed forest and the mountains of misery, if it were possible.
Just hypothetically, assuming you needed to pass them to get OUT of her realm.

>>24308660
Oh those names are meaningless. Like the "Desert of Death", or the "Mudflats of Murder". Everything's named like that in the Dictatorship of Terror!

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>>24308647
>>24308589
"I can think of a few people, sure," the barkeep nods. "The day's stew is on. Other than that, some bread, honey, butter, beer, and milk. The bottles behind me's what liquor and wine we got."

>>24308660
"I'd say the water route, but that takes you over the Seas of Despair and the Estuary of Ectsasy," the barkeep says.

"The Estuary doesn't sound so bad," Yellowman notes.

"It's named for what the naiads feel when they mass drown sailors."

"...oh."

"Anyway, following the road until it cuts out and then going straight is the fastest route, the safest? Hmmm. I'd say travel via trade caravan. If you're in her domain, wait for a trade caravan or find one, and sign on as a guard until you're out of her lands. Otherwise, head west, there's all those lands between us, but on the other border it's just Bogorian hills and plains. But for fuck's sake, man, DON'T travel through Xoan!"

>>24308919
Fastest route.

I know how games like this work. If you go via a "Longer, safer" route you get more RANDOM ENCOUNTERS, which make the thing drain more resources and actually end up more dangerous.

I'd go for the road.

Now, let's buy a filling meal, get our shit cooked,and ... Hm. Wonder who we can take as a guide.

Bread is normally safe to eat, but someone with more Oglaf lore than me should check whether it's not enchanted bread of you turn into rats or something.

>>24308919
Yeah, I've heard. Everything is poisoned in Xoan.

>>24308919
Eat up, Yellowman, don't know when your next meal will be.

Does this guy have any travel rations? And about how long would it take to escape from the Sorceror-Queen's capitol?

>>24309029
>>24309044
"Like you wouldn't believe. I hear even their antidotes are poisoned," the barkeep whispers.

"Ouch," Yellowman murmurs. "Here's a gold piece. Beer, bread, and stew for two. And the use of your kitchen."

The barkeep nods and places the order, after pocketing the coin while Yellowman fetches Charlie to cook the steaks.

A few minutes later, a package of cooked steaks wrapped in clean cloth lays in Yellowman's pouches while Charlie and Scott eat bowls of steaming hot stew in a corner table.

"Needs salt," Charlie complains as he eats. "Your critter pal gonna be OK by himself?"

"He doesn't eat normal food. I told him to go find some rocky fungal clingers or something. He'll be fine, he runs away better than I do," Yellowman says.

"I noticed," Charlie comments, taking a sip of beer. "Hey you've been a pretty cool cat so far, I'd feel bad if our act split near the end of the show if you dig what I'm sayin'. I gotta proposition for you."

"Oh?" Yellowman asks, taking a drink himself.

"If the two of us get to the finish ourselves, insteada fightin' or carryin' on to figger out who gets the macguffin, we sit down and have a good old fashion game of poker. Winner take all. Whaddya say?"

>>24309518
The barkeep has no idea how long it would take, but yes, he has rations for sale.

>>24309564
Poker, eh? Yeah, I'm up for that.
If any other people join our little group, you okay with playing rounds of poker with them, too?

>>24309564
What if we make a wish that benefits us both? What are you planning to do if you win?

>>24309579
Sure, buy some rations. We can trade the Steaks for them.
We can probably get at least 10 days' worth for everyone present, if not 20 days. Certainly don't need to be starving.

>>24309629
But Bear meat gives a 10% damage bonus when from New Vegas! We can use that!

>>24309654
Oh, sorry. I didn't know that.
Keep the steaks then

>>24309564
That sounds reasonable. Rolled up sleeves, of course... Don't want any accusation of cheating to mar a gentleman's duel or whatever it'd end up being. Also, >>24309595 has a good point. Anyone we come across that joins up and isn't a dick gets to be in on the winner-take-all poker game.

But I must admit curiosity as to what his wish would be. Ask politely what his wish would be; if he doesn't mind telling.

>>24309564
Sure, sounds good. And the same offer open to any others we pick up along the way?

>>24309741
Our wish is "I wanna go home", isn't it?

>>24309741
Probably that or Money/a place that's nicer than Vegas to live in. Maybe we could convince him to join the Guard. Man of his skills, luck, and politeness would do well with us.

>>24309595
>>24309772

"Of course. If nothing else, I can say I played the highest stakes poker in the world! Who else can claim that, huh?"

>>24309619
>>24309741

"I haven't decided yet. Been thinking about it since I started this crazy hooha. Maybe I'll wish to be the new head of the Chairmen. Or maybe I'll wish to bring one of them old cities back from PreWar back and be king of it or somethin'. Or maybe I'll just wish for a million gold bars, I dunno. Why, what's your wish gonna be?"

"I wanna go home," Yellowman says, taking a long pull of the ale. Charlie pauses.

"Buddy, a good taxi can get you home, you gonna blow a wish on that?" he asks.

"I'm a lot longer from home than a taxi can get me. You're from New Vegas, how are you getting home at the end of this?" Yellowman asks.

"I made a deal with the suits back at the casino. They know where New Vegas is, their company can get me there for a fee. You can't do the same?"

"They have no idea where I'm from," Yellowman sighs. "Or I wouldn't have gotten caught up in this."

>>24309877
Of course, that's assuming that he's not really Bennie, the backstabbing sumbitch.

>>24310059
We found his gun, it's a Shotgun.
Benny doesn't have Shotgun as a tagged skill or much proficiency with them. Benny's a pistolman.

>>24309937
Alright Scott. Let's come up with a plan. We know that there's a secret tunnel into the Sorcerer-Queen's castle, but that it's been collapsed.
We need to figure out how we can get inside.

Also, are we going through the Cursed Forest, since that seems to be the fastest route?
Or take the safest route across the Seas of Despair?

I don't know if we have the time to sign up with a trade caravan.

>>24310235
I think we should pick up that guide and just Road it straight there.

>>24310235
"Hmmm," Yellowman thinks. "Well, what about scaling the walls? Should be easy with my grappler."

>>24310309
Then Yellowman looks at Charlie and remembers not to leave friends behind.

>>24310309
Walls are guarded. Though I suppose it's possible.
Best is if we could arrive there when some heavy hitters get there, such as the Ultramarine and anyone else in power armor that would smash through the castle defenses.

>>24310373
Whoever's ahead of us will likely bore their own way in. It wouldn't surprise me if someone's already kicking down the castle walls as we speak.

>>24310309
They have guards on the walls and coat the edges of the battlements in grease to keep Ninjas and Assassins out.

>>24310431
>>24310333
"Ah, never mind, they probably have counters for that, and that'd leave you out in the cold," Yellowman frowns. "Oh well. We need more information, probably."

>Go to next scene or stay in Tavern/talk more?

>>24310507
--->

>>24310507
Maybe ask if there's anyone who's willing to pay half up front for an assassin on the sorceress? Extra gold, and we don't actually have to do it since we're not coming back.

>>24310650
No, there are spies everywhere, that'll get us owned. Better just to stay quiet about it.

Get that guide and let's get rolling.

>>24310507
Get that guide, and those rations.
And see how much some horses would cost; they'll get us there faster, and we want to be there when the other racers break through, not while the defenses are being re-erected.

>>24310726
But we don't have Ride trained. we'd need a coach.

Rolled 36

>>24310673
>>24310543
Charlie and Scott finish up their meals and go back to the town, searching for a guide.

>>24310768
Can I use Charlie's "Big red button" roll to take the most extreme result?

>>24310766
A small wagon might be useful as a cover, saying we're traders.

>>24310726
And they pay an additional gold coin for a pack of rations.

>>24310726
Unfortunately, there are no horses for sale in the town. There are some donkeys for sale at 10 coins a pop, though.

Yellowman manages to find a guide willing to take them through the Cursed Forest, a grizzled woodsman with a bow slung over one shoulder.

>>24310781
Has to be declared ahead of time.

>>24310846
Oh. Nm then
Grizzled woodsman, eh? Hm. Anyone with Oglaf lore able to ID this guy?
Either way, I guess we're setting off.
We might as well buy a Donkey to load all our crap on so as to not be as exhausted after moving. Beasts of burden exist for a reason, after all.

>>24310846
Use it next roll.

>>24310883
No! that's our random encounter roll!
You don't want to take extremes of that! It will go horribly!

>>24310883
No, we can't afford too many delays, and we have no way of getting more ammo or charging our shield in this world.
We need everything we have to get through the castle.

>>24310840
Hmm...should we take a donkey, or not. Would the guide also need one to keep up?

Just a reminder that we should check in with the blacksmith to see if Yellowman's armor has been repaired.

>>24310958
Aye.

>>24310877
There's a couple; we'd need a bit more info to be able to identify.

>>24310958
It'll be a few hours before it's ready.

>>24311087
Finish sleeping?

>>24311107
How about tracking down the fucker that took the crown, and beating it out of him?

>>24311158

Gotta agree with this one, less we need sleep.

>>24311158
Works for me, but do we know anyone who can track?
Best we can figure out is that he'll smell of Bear. and we can get the description from FFP, but the guy could have gone anywhere.

>>24311214
Scott is OK at tracking due to high Perception and Investigation.

>>24311214

Charlie should be able to do some tracking too, he used to live out in the desert before Mr. House showed up and turned him into a two-bit version of Sinatra.

>>24311346
Well then. Let's get cracking. We've got a few hours to kill before the Scout Armor is fixed, and we may as well spend that time killing someone.

Rolled 79

>>24311479
"It'll be tough, but I'll try my best," Scott murmurs, going back to the scene of the crime and talking with Fat-Fot-Pot.

Investigation+Perception= +11

>>24311628
>90
I sure hope that was high enough to pass.

>>24311628
>90

After snooping around some, Scott finds a piece of torn cloak torn off from one of the robbers when Fot attempted to scurry up on and cover their eyes. A rare purple color in the drab peasant village, Scott prowls the area until he finds a lean bald man with bad teeth leaning against a building, picking his teeth with a dagger. A worn purple cloak matching the fabric and color of the piece Scott holds is draped around his neck.

>>24311716
Have Charlie come up on the guy's left, FFP on his right, while Scott goes center. Don't go at him at right angles; that would present a chance of friendly fire if he tries to run between one of us.
Instead, approach at 45-degree angles to him.
Also stay 20 feet from him, with guns ready. A person armed with a knife can stab a person with a gun, but only if they're 18 feet or closer; 20 feet is just a little too far before getting shot with a faceful of plasma.
Use Waldorf for this.

Scott, Charlie, aim for the legs; we need this guy to be able to talk before killing him.

Rolled 24, 99, 68 = 191

>>24311785
Charlie and Scott dash out and level guns at the man, while Fat-Fot-Pot hovers to his right. He scowls and stops picking his teeth, flipping the dagger over in his hand before lunging forward, Charlie and Scott opening fire immediately.

>>24311956
>99
DUBS.

>>24311956
>99
Scott's blast goes wide as the man nimbly ducks under the plasma burst, but Charlie's shotgun blows one of the man's legs clean off, causing his charge to falter as he drops to the ground screaming as he clutched his bloody stump.

"Shoulda been in showbiz if I was that good at breakin' legs," Charlie murmurs, reloading.

>>24312000
"Hey bro, where'd you put my crown?"

>>24312000
Hmm...we should probably put a tourniquet on the leg, and maybe some painkillers from the medkit.
We can't question the guy if he's already bled out, or he's unconscious from the pain.

>>24312000
Would an application of FFP's nectar seal up the stump?

>>24312218
Yes, but we only have limited amounts of those. Better to just tourniquet it.
we don't particularily need the guy healed. Just "Not dead for a little bit".

>>24312032
"Hey bro, where'd you put my crown?" Yellowman asks, advancing.

"OH GODS, MY LEG!" the burglar wails.

"The crown, bro, where's the crown?" Yellowman asks, getting in the bleeder's face. "Tell me where it is or you're losing the other leg. And then the other. Yes. THAT leg."

"I hid it in a tree stump in the town square in a dirty bundle!" the robber shouts. "Help me! For pity's sake, help me!!!"

>>24312289
Send whichever of FFP is the Scouty one to the treestump to check if it's there.
Tourniquet his leg.

>>24312289
On the one hand, he DID attack you with the intention of killing you, so killing him isn't really off the table. Though he might be lying.

Let's put a tourniquet on the stump, and have FFP check out the stump.

File: 1366265619942.jpg-(54 KB, 500x339, u_dun_it_nao.jpg)

54 KB JPG

>>24312289
>Steal from some guy with weapons and armor
>He tracks you
>outright ATTACK him rather than just surrender
U DUN IT NAO ARRY POTTR

>>24312313
Scott begins giving the man first aid as Fot scurries off. He returns a few minutes later dragging a crown larger than he is. Wordlessly, he drops it at Scott's feet, then scurries back onto his hover-disc and floats back up to rejoin the other two parts of Fat-Fot-Pot.

"Good job, lil' guy!" Yellowman says with a grin as he pulls the tourniquet tight, causing the bandit to scream in pain. "That's probably going to come in handy later!"

>Regain Golden Crown.

>>24312630
Sweet!

Well, all the other stuff this guy stole should probably be returned to their owners, but we don't have time now, do we?

I'd say we need to hire a Donkey to store our heavy shit on, tell the guide we'll be rolling once the armor's repaired, rest until it's ready, then go go go.

>>24312630
Question him. See if he went after the crown specifically, or just random thievery.

>>24312630
Did this take considerably long?
How many hours do we have till the Scout Armor is ready?

Let's ask the guy at the Tanked Golem, if any other adventurers came through recently.

>>24312708
>>24312668
Hey yeah.
We should talk to people about other adventurers.
The Blacksmith, the Innkeeper, and Herrick
>I hear Herrick's stocks perfumes now
I can't help but notice we have animus coming through, so a more female-centered shop might give us info on them.

Rolled 36, 93 = 129

Stealin' some good rolls

>>24312708
This took a while. You probably have an hour left.

"No, not for some time," the barkeep says.

>>24312668
"You were sleeping on the streets with a golden crown tucked under your arm!" the thief sobs. "It looked like a ridiculously good bout of fortune, I HAD to take it!"

>>24312740
The blacksmith is too busy to talk right now, but when you ask one of the townsfolk, they direct you to Herrick's General Store, a large wooden building that upon entering, stocks large amounts of random gear and commodities in numerous wooden shelves.

>Most medieval common items are available here.

>>24312818
Damn. Thought it was magical or something. We really need to get a backpack so that valuable items aren't just out in the open.

Does he have a Handy Haversack?

>>24312818
Do you mean DnD common items, or real medieval items?
Silk rope, thunderstones if they have any, tanglefoot bags, and maybe some smokesticks.

>>24312818
Can't go wrong with Rope. Might also want a Coat of some kind so we can conceal shit.
Do Yellowman and Charlie have helmets? we could buy one each and maybe get extra damage resistance.

We might be heading into the dark. Do we have any sources of light on us?
>flashlight
I see we do. It might be worth getting some Torches and flasks of Oil. I hear throwing them is a pretty common tactic to some people.

>>24312879
>Handy Haversack?
Way out of our price range. A regular pack will have to do.

>>24312882
I'm using the D&D SRD, but common items only, nothing alchemical or the like.

>>24312818
Silk robe, Bags, a Cloak.

If it sells D&D gear then one of the cheap-but-useful magic items you can pick up is a guidance shard. It spams Guidance on the wearer every round for a +1 to a roll of his or her choosing on a d20 (d100 for us), but it does cost 1500gp, whcih is more than we have.

Flint and steel to go with the Torches and Oil so we can light 'em.
Grapple hook for the rope.
Helmet + Cloak
Backpack and Bags
I dunno. Could be useful.

>>24312921
Mirrors might be handy if we come up against anything with an unusual weakness to its own reflection, I guess?

>>24312921
Crowbar (hey, we're Gordon Freeman!), common lamp, 3 flasks of oil, flint and steel, I'm partial to the silk rope but I'll be willing to accept the hemp rope if we can carry it.
We also want a mirror, and a stick, and a candle. We can macguyver together a mirror on a stick to let us look around corners.
4 torches, and a backpack.

I guess letting you guys shop is a good place to end for tonight, if I continue things will suck due to sleepy.

See everyone Friday then!

>>24313072
Archiving it now because we're close to autosage and this won't survive till Friday.

>>24312993
>Grapple hook for the rope.
We already have our grapple harness, though.
The rope, though, I can get behind.
We can grab one end of the rope, Charlie grabs the other, we grapple to somewhere, and then Charlie climbs up along the rope.

backpack 2gp 2lb
crowbar 2gp 5lb
Flint and Steel 1gp
lamp,common 1sp 1lb
Mirror 10gp .5lb
oil (3flasks) 3sp 3lb
belt pouch 1gp .5lb
silk rope 10gp 5lb
Torch (4) 4cp 4lb
Candle(2) 2cp

= 26gp, 4sp, 6cp
Total weight: 21lb

Helmets aren't listed on the d20 SRD, which is what I used.

>>24317367
I don't think we need a mirror, if we really want one we can wait until we're in a futuristic or modern world where they don't cost more than they weigh. I'd also get rid of 2 torches for wight issues, and the fact that we've only got two people who can carry them.

>>24313072
>>24313105
Are we sure he didn't mean Thursday and typed friday by accident?

>>24317884
>I don't think we need a mirror
However, we're going into a castle, and being able to see around corners is going to be pretty damn useful.
In a more modern world, we should definitely upgrade the mirror, but I think we should have one now because of its potential usefulness in getting us safely to the next world.

>>24317934
Have you forgotten about Fot? The nice spider with a +10 to stealth checks who, if spotted, can bluff saying he's one of the pests the mistress puts in the dungeon?

Besides, I'm holding out for one of those Dentists mirrors on a stick, the little ones.

>>24317967
>can bluff saying he's one of the pests the mistress puts in the dungeon?
Fot can't speak.

And the mirror can also reflect things back, such as the gaze attack from that hawk that the Sorcerer-Queen has.

>>24318008
My mistake, Thought he and Fat could speak.

>>24317895
Usually it's Thursday, but I might have to work late today, so I bumped it to Friday.