Trapped in your family Park Avenue apartment, empty room upon empty room as furniture was repossessed by some blue collar movers who wore jeans, your mother sobbing in her room, your once secure future completely up in flames, you resolved to find yourself a job.
All the orthodox means of employment were impossible, of course. The career you had lined up involved a firm that no longer exists; your name, dragged through the mud as it was, is poison on your CV. But you are confident, you are educated, and you are very, very clever. This is the land of opportunity, and you are going to take it by the god damn throat. You knew that historically there is one sector always open and receiving of good talent regardless of the current economic climate: crime.
You knew that gangs, consisting primarily of uneducated but ambitious youth, had great growth potential if only they could be properly managed. Inefficiencies could be cut. Deliveries could be streamlined. There is infinite demand, and there is a constant supply. You learned the tricks of the business trade in your classrooms and in your family boardrooms; it runs through your blood. A gang is, after all, a business. And you know you’re a hell of a businessman.
Of course, you can’t just leave your CV at HR and hope for a call-back. So, you put on your suit, donned your family watch, took your grandfather’s suitcase, and went out to get mugged.
You are currently being mugged. Two black youths are standing in front of you. One is armed with a knife and a menacing glare. It’s 10:30 PM, and your presence is just jarring enough for your would-be muggers to be more uncomprehending than outright menacing. Still, they’ve seen your watch, and they know its value.
“Now what the fuck are you doing out here, white boy?”

What do you do?

Release the baboons.

>>23685183
Hanged.
He hanged himself.

>white guy runs a black gang quest
>rich white guy from banking social groups runs a poor black gang quest
Is this real. Is this actually real. Are you being satirical here.

>>23685191
"looking to make you rich and powerful, so I got a question for you, just how much is your soul worth? " (give them a big smile)

>>23685191
run

Rolled 12

Roll for seduction.

Rolled 15

>>23685610
Oh crime in like being a gigolo, yeah let's go for that.

All those boys on the varsity team who never knew how we felt.

OP? DID YOU GO AWAY?

>>23685205
Seconding.

>>23685486

The one with the knife shoots his friend an incredulous look. They both start laughing.

"Aight, we got us a rich cracker on acid or some shit. Give me your shit now and get out of my sight 'fore I cut you a pretty new red tie."

>>23685652
I'm still for us being a Batman villain who has an army of trained monkeys dressed in funny suits to do our bidding, but sure, that can work too.

>>23685712
We can do both. I mean by day we're a male prostitute, by night we use the leads we uncovered, literally and figuratively, to clean up the criminal underworld with our monkey army.

I guess we inherited a zoo or something, maybe our dad's last liquid asset.

>>23685709
A rich cracker who graduated summa cum-laude from Harvard. You gentlemen realize that with a little good business sense you could move from muggings up into the world of real crime, yes? Tell me, have you fine young men ever wanted to be the next Frank Lucas?

>>23685757

The one with the knife loses his smile. His eyes flash a threatening glint.

"Check your voice son. I don't give a fuck who you are, how fucking smart you think getting into your white boy club. Right now, you a white dude, you here, you got money, and you got a knife in your face. I'm gonna say it one more time, cuz this ain't funny no more. Give. Me. Your. Shit."

>>23685738
But, deep down, we still want only to be loved and held by someone who loved us for who we are, never realizing that our true love has always been right in front of us.
Bobo the Bonobo never left us, did he?

>>23685812
He was killed by a gang of feral pimps. Thus, we seek revenge.

>>23685808
"You want me to give you. . . my shit? What I'm proposing will pay out far more than the meager value of the items in my possession. I'm proposing that I use that cracker brain of mine to make you gentlemen more money than you could possibly imagine. You've seen The Godfather, right? You know how they got that rich? Smart investments. This whole town's a pussy, and I'm offering you the chance to fuck it as hard as you want.

>>23685808
release the goddamn baboons already.

>>23685864
Are the feral pimps in front of us as we speak?
Fling your poo at those uncouth youth.

>>23685887
>that cracker brain of mine

>>23685894
No, these are just low level hoods. They're not worth wasting out MONKEY JUSTICE on.

>>23685914
Nevermind then.
Our monkey-gas will deal with them. Our our monkey-rang?
Or should we let the baboons at them?

>>23685959
let the fucking baboons at them.

>>23685959
Use the martial arts we learned through years of living with the great apes of the verdant jungles.

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148 KB PNG

>>23685808

>>23685887

The blade dances closer to your face. The edge on the young man's voice is almost as sharp as the one currently drawing a small bead of blood from your neck.

"Let me be perfectly fucking clear with you."

His urban accent has diminished.

"People like you are why people like me have to do what we do. You want to be the devil? Mission fucking accomplished. I can kill you right now, in front of an entire neighborhood of people, and I'll get off free. Because we all hate you. Every. One.

Now what the fuck can you offer me that's worth more than the satisfaction of killing a man I completely fucking hate? Money? La dee fucking da. You gonna fucking magic it out of thin air, ass-wipe? You so good at making money, why the fuck you here in the first place?"

Wait, Marlowe? Are we by any chance a hard-boiled private eye from the forties?
Cause if so, fight em.

>>23686036
"to unleash baboons upon you. Why else?" Then unleash the baboons.

>>23686036
RELEASE THE GODDAMN BABOONS ALREADY

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62 KB JPG

>>23686036
"there is no need to be upset, child. i will change you from monkeys into men."

>>23686093
No, the other way around.

>>23686081
>>23686047
You attempt to say something, but the words in your mouth freeze. He's right. this was a hare-brained idea, and now, you're going to pay. You turn tail, and attempt to run, but the two stay right on you. A white guy, running through the slums. No one is going to help you now. As the two men yoell a variety of uncouth language, you run faster, panting, hoping to escape the hunters.

Your hope is in vain. The two catch you, shoving you to the ground.

“What now, honky-tonk? Where's your big talk now?”

You scream, and attempt to scoot away, only to bump into a trash can.

They're getting closer, evil grins on their faces.

You clutch your watch, the last momento of your family. A simple affair, a baboon was engraved on it, and your father always called it the family gaurdian.

Futile as it is, you pray to the watch baboon for help, closing your eyes.

Nothing. You can hear them getting closer, speaking in their foul tongues.

Then an unearthly shriek fills the air, and you open your eyes.

Dozens, nay hundreds of baboons fall upon these men, making the regret their ways, tearing them to pieces.

The baboon guardian has answered your prayers. What do you wish to do now?

>>23686240
Talk to the baboons.

>>23686240
Enjoy a good hearty evil laugh.

>>23686093

You barely finish uttering the word "monkeys" when your voice gets cut. Along with your larynx. And uvula. The young man seems intent on releasing some of his anger on you, your corpse a canvas for his rage against the system.

No one seems to stop him.

...


....


...


...


.

You are an olive baboon in the Central Park Zoo. Born to a life of captivity, you yearn to be out in the jungle you know is just beyond the plastic walls of your outdoor enclosure. It is 11:00pm, and you hear sirens in the distance.

What do you do?

>>23686294
Release the humans.

>>23686240

Its time to show the criminal underbelly of this city that there is a new crime boss in town. The Babbonman will has his little monkey hands in every profitable illicit activity before the year's end. They know our territory its enforcers...baboons.

>>23686313


You do not have the key to the human enclosure. It is on the mandrill guard who sold out his kind to the rock crab overlords many years ago. You see him sneer at you in the distance, himself a free man. er. monkey. He throws feces at your enclose.

What do you do?

>>23686240
Thank the baboon guardians, and offer them your service for their favor.
Will they teach you of their ways?

>>23686294
simple lesson, niggers cannot be reasoned with

>>23686345
Throw them back. In his eyes.
While he's distracted, grab the keys.

Should I roll for this, or?

They have rustled your jimmies. Now, you will rustle your lives.

You laugh maniacally, and as you do so, a baboon steps out from the crowd, and bows to you.

“I am Bobo, lord of the baboons, servant to the Baboon Guardian of Time. You are our new master, and, by callling upon us, you have accepted the ancient oath to free our kind, Master Marlowe. I must tell you, that your father died to machinations of the evil reptiles, who seek to control all of mammal-kind.”

You nod mutely, understanding your destiny, which shall not be monkeyed around with.

“now, master Marlowe, what shall we do with these inbred swine?”

Bobo gestures to the two men who attempted to mug you.

What shall be their fate, and what shall you do afterwards?

>>23686345
Summon the pterodactyl by singing the song of your people.

>>23686367

Furious at this vermin for selling out your kind, you utter a prayer to the Silent Simian before reaching into your own arsenal and preparing for battle.

Please roll 1d20 for feces quality and 1d10 for accuracy.

>>23686393

Take their jimmies away from them, permanently.

Rolled 7 + 1

>>23686407

>>23686393
Offer them one more chance.
They shall serve as your squires.

>>23686430

Blast! Your shit is sub-par, a liquid concoction resultant from the fiber-free diet forced on you by your captors. You attempt to fling your poo projectile, but succeed only in scattering the walls with uneaten corn buckshot.

The mandrill laughs at your misfortune

"Foolish Baboon! You know the Muted Mandrill has abandonned us ever since our captors drove him from the Fecal Fountain! Our Gods are gone! Embrace our new purpose!"

He approaches your cage, ready to show you your place should your bowels rebel again.

>>23686507
Engage in recreational sex.

>>23686330
>>23686424
>>23686460
In this city, there are dozens of crime bosses.

Now, there is one more.

The Baboonman.
Your offer to the muggers was direct. You would take their possessions, the wifes, their jimmies, and in return, they get to be your squires.

It only took several pounds of feces shoved down their throats to get them to agree. Sorting through their items, you find severl bills, a gun, and a phone that buzzes with a text.

Turning it on, the message states.

“boss M wants to meet you tj. 64 Aderson St.”

Time to start your rule.

You dispense orders to the unusually smart baboons, who follow willingly.

Whoever m is, he's going down.

Meanwhile, on 64 aderson Street, all is quiet, save for the sounds of gunfire and screams in the night.

The bouncers sitting on the porch of the warehouse seem bored.

Then the baboons are upon them. Masters of stealth and combat, the baboons overwhelm the guards, and storm into the warehouse, disrupting the drugfest that goes on inside. As each of the gang members is incapacitated, and held down, you enter regally, carried by your squires upon a lawn chair spray-painted gold.

Boss M is before you, calling you every expletive in the book. He is held down by several baboons.

What do you do now?

>>23686526

You attempt to engage in recreational sex; unfortunately, as recreation is discouraged, you are only familiar with procrational sex. This is difficult without a mate. The mandrill opens the enclose and stares at you, a queer look in his eyes.

Rolled 12

>>23686634
Seduce the mandrill.
"Hey there, mandrill, wanna show me your... drill?"

Roll for seduction.

>>23686634

He engages in non-procrational non-recreational non-inspirational but fully sensational and subconsciously consensual rape.

You are traumatized, but with therapy and various psychoactive drugs, you manage to convince yourself of your sanity until a severe episode results in a tragic killing spree in the New York Public Library.

The last thing you see before the police riddle you with bullets is the cover a comic, starring a character who you haven't heard of since childhood. Baboonman...why can't you help those who are broken on the inside?

what the fuck is happening here?

>>23686551
"we're in charge now, monkey-man." And then shove a banana down his throat.

>>23686836
A banana-shaped bomb.

>>23686836
>>23686847
>"we're in charge now, monkey-man."

“Fuck you, cra-”

Out of nowhere, you shove a giant banana down his throat, rupturing his inner organs as it explodes. As he crumples away, you turn to the gang members.

“What are you looking at? Back to work.”

All of them quickly scramble away, and continue with whatever job they were doing beforehand. Your squires let you down, and start to feed you hand-peeled grapes.

The crime operation, and its members, are yours now. Within days, your drug operation and control spreads, baboons quickly dispatching any resistance.

The baboonman has come, and all will know fear.

With baboon enforcers on your side, you are unstoppable.

No hooker is shortchanged, an no drug deal goes unpaid.

Now, you find yourself in your warehouse palace, filled with ill-gotten couches, tvs, and of course, hundreds of baboons. You operation is puling in $10,000 a week, and the neighborhood of central harlem is under control.

The other crime bosses, of course are not so happy. From his network of baboon spies, Bobo tells you that the Bosses of East Harlem and Upper West Side are plotting against you, coerced by the Reptile Overlords. There also seems to rumors that the police are planning to move against you as well.

What now?

>>23686934
Move your organisation to Africa.

this thread is the perfect example why most quests are bad.

>>23687201
Because a ridiculously racist premise is likely to be overrun?

>>23688224
the baboon guy or OP?