>>23646805
Mike walked onwards, through the red sands. Ahead of him, his farseer was using deep, sophisticated techniques to get the primitive mon-keigh to obey the will of Biel-tan and the Eldar race. The mon-keigh often called this “lying”.

“So, you see, if you dump promethium down that mineshaft, you'll get free candy!”
“And you're not xenos filth, right? Because we're good, God-Emperor-fearing folk round these parts.”
“Of course not. And umm... if you wanna...”

Macha made the hand gesture known as Singing Spear Impales The Weak Vermin. Mike smirked. Biel-tan was one of the few craftworlds that still wanted the mon-keigh to know their place.

“No, ma'am. I'm married. And gay. Gay married.”

Macha was clearly disgusted by the mon-keigh's misinterpretation of her hand gesture. Mike's smirk became a full grown smile, as he laughed at the brutish savage.

Still, it was not strong enough a display of superiority over the apes. They needed to be reminded of their true inferiority.

“HAHA! FOOLISH MON-KEIGH, YOU ARE DECEIVED! WE ARE ACTUALLY ELDAR, THE TRUE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE! YOU WILL DROWN IN YOUR OWN BLOOD AND WEEP BITTER TEARS AS YOUR SUPPOSED GOD-EMPEROR FAILS YOU!”

The miners all reached for their lasguns. Mike and the rest of the Eldar wisely chose this moment to book it.

>>23646815
Several hours later, Mike was once again out in the desert. This time, his comrades were not nearby. In fact, they had abandoned him here, in the wild! They had not appreciated his outburst, and had given him fifty meltabombs to go down the mineshaft himself.

They were fools who trod upon their own heritage! Mike fumed impotently. He approached the entrance of the mine. Shoddy wooden supports lazily held up the cave entrance, as weak as their mon-keigh masters. Mike sneered. This mine would not survive the wrath of the Eldar. And, when he returned, victorious, to his home, all would know that keeping to the old ways was the only way to secure victory.

Mike entered the mine, walking along the mine cart tracks. As he walked deeper into the earth, his steps kicked up small clouds of coal dust. Twice he stumbled, tripping over the bodies of the ugly mon-keigh children too stupid to survive in a mine shaft. He praised Asuryan for protecting the Eldar in all aspects of life, including the mining of coal.

Soon he came across a sheer wall of metal. But it was no ordinary metal. Indeed, like all mon-keigh construction, it was extraordinarily tacky. Mike's Eldar senses began to tingle. There was great danger here. Space danger. He stopped to lean on some glowing green coal while kicking aside another metal mon-keigh skeleton. Unlike the graceful Eldar, the humans became metal instead of crystal when they died.

>>23646824
Suddenly, the skeleton sprang to life, movement returning to long dormant limbs. Its cold, black eyes stared deeply into Mike's limpid pools, which were his eyes, which saw things. Highly erotic things.

Mike gasped, then spoke.

“You're no mon-keigh! You're the Ancient Enemy! Or... the Great Enemy! Or maybe the Old Enemy! Possibly the Returned Enemy, or the Innumerable Enemy, though that last one is unlikely. You see, the Eldar have many enemies who are jealous of our great greatness.”

The Necron stared at him, solemnly.

“I see. You too are disgusted.”
“...”
“The current state of the galaxy is wretched, I agree.”
“...”
“Yes, both of our races have suffered indignities.”
“...”
“It is a tragedy that the vermin races now hold sway over the stars. But, I think I understand you now. We should join forces to exterminate the weaklings that have dared staking a claim on our rightful possessions.”

Mike looked deeply into her eyes, for, more than anything he was certain that the Necron was a woman, and saw a kindred spirit. More than anything, he longed to caress her angles, snuggle against her sunken cheeks, and rub that silky smooth necrodermis. Here was one who knew how the lesser races should be treated. Here was his soulmate. He reached down, removing the wraithbone from his crotch. A seventeen inch beast surged forth, bursting from his pants, like the Eversor bursts from any given location.

>>23646857
“Behold the Fire Dragon Exarch!”

Like all Eldar genitalia, it could breathe fire. It unleashed a gout of flame unto the Necron warrior's face. Then Mike seized Hel'gada'tass'ro'bo'wenxh'tig'ol'bitiz, for that was her new, beautiful Eldar name, by the waist.

“Kiss me you fool!”

The Necron complied. The Eldar's perfect tongue began to caress every bit of the Necron's skull. The flesh glided over the necrodermis, slathering it in the beautiful, gleaming saliva of the Eldar people. He licked the gleaming black gems set into her face holes, marveling at their texture, which was both rough and smooth. He rubbed the ribcage, pressing his fingers against her metal bones. He pressed his mouth against the nape of her neck, kissing it gently. His other hand wandered downward, until it was gently stroking her gauss hole. She began to gauss furiously, vaporizing bits of rock as small beams of energy emerged from her every orifice.

>>23646874
“Now, we make love.”

Mike laid the Necron on the floor, and looked for a hole to penetrate. He briefly considered the gauss hole, but the energy surging from it was too volatile, and no doubt would incinerate his little Phoenix Lord. After a few moments (although the considerations would no doubt take hours for a primitive mon-keigh brain), he decided to deep strike and attack from the rear. He flipped her over. He began the maneuver known as Bonesinger Reads The Instructions And Inserts The Wraithbone Rod Into Slot A Improperly While Cursing The Name Of Sura-vedish Furnishings. He thrusted, slowly at first, then going faster and faster, his pulsing member filling up her robutt. The air grew thick with the stench of their lovemaking, and the precum dripping from his member lubricated her insides, resulting in a 1.7% performance improvement due to reduction of wear and tear. He felt his will weakening, as heat rushed to his face. At last, he could handle no more. He removed his Starcannon from her Aegis Line and pointed it at her face.

The pleasure overwhelmed him and he released his volley, the semen hardening into crystal midair. The crystal shards slammed into her visage. CLANG. CLANG. CLANG. As they impacted, they re-liquified, dripping onto her sternum, then hardening once more, spheres circling her neck.

“I have given my new bride a necklace of pearls, as is the tradition established by Isha and Kurnous.”

He reached out and grasped one of the pearls. He closed his hand, crushing the pearl. When he opened his hand once more, it had become a diamond.

“And now it is a gem, as precious and beautiful as you are.”

this is beautiful and you are a beautiful person

>>23646882
Of course, Mike was not done yet. The endurance of the Eldar was almost as great as that of a Black Templar Dreadnaught, and they more than made up for that slight deficiency with their superior technique. He adjusted the Necron's arm so that it was pointing straight up, like one of the blades of Vaul, then placed his perfect Eldar buttcheeks squarely above the arm. This position was known as Khaela Mensha Khaine On The Warpath. He oscillated his hips while quickly going up and down, such that the Necron's fist rammed into his space prostate repeatedly. Again, the pleasure welled up in his body, and soon he unleashed another volley. His love crystals slammed into the metal wall. CLANG. CLANG. CLANG.

Mike dismounted, a grin on his face as the warm glow of love passed over him. Was there any doubt that the Eldar were the first and greatest of the lovemakers? But his Eldar senses tingled again. He turned around. In front of him was a great metal colossus. A Monolith. It had clearly been aroused by Mike's furious lovemaking. Now it wanted a piece of the action.

“If I die here, I die knowing that Farseer Macha remains a virgin. Come at me, brother, and let us reenact that ancient Eldar story: Asuryan Gia And Khaine Dance As Warp Monstrosities Do And Together Conceive Of A Great Invention That Is Of Superior Quality To All Non-Eldar Inventions.

Thus Mike died as he lived-with a crushed pelvis.

>>23646923
Elsewhere, the Farseers of Craftworld Biel-tan convened. Macha was first to speak.

“Thus we sacrifice for the good of all. It is truly a tragedy that the fates demanded we send Mik'hal'lisan'hor'metz'kal'chu'ness'wan'na'bang'wit'har'lem.”
“Indeed. It seems that it is your fate to remain a virgin.”
“Yes, it does seem so.”
“Shall we ponder the great mysteries of destiny over a meal?”
“Sure.”
“Cool. I'm thinking Emprah Burger?”
“Sounds good. Do you have the coupons?”
“...”
“Hello?”
“Shit! They were with Mike!”

Each of the Farseers shed a single tear, and each of those shimmering sapphires fell into the sand, never again to be recovered.

For they knew the fate of their doomed race.
--------
Alright, new content in next post.

>>23646942
LOVE CAN CLANG 2: THE CLANG BANG.

The darkness seemed to stretch on forever. Who was he? Fragments of memory, gossamer shards floating in ether, so hard to grasp... The biggest one gleamed invitingly, and, with great effort, he shot out his arm and grabbed it.

Mike. For some reason, he knew that name was totally gay.

His sensors came online (sensors?), and he took a look at himself. His body was perfect. The ideal mix of style and substance. He searched for a word that would describe his new form.

Swaggin'. No. Brain unit, find me a synonym. Baller. Uncouth! Dope? Ludicrous and lowbrow! Hip and funky fresh. Yes, that was it. He was hip and funky fresh. He opened his mouth, but found that he could not. He had no mouth and he had to scream that he was hip and funky fresh. Bits flipped rapidly and the ALU in his robotic brain raced as he searched for a solution. Yes. The glowing green coal. He broke off a piece and used it to write on his chassis. I am hip and funky fresh. A statement of identity that he could hold onto as he tried to preserve his mind.

>>23647007
He took a closer look at his surroundings. There, on the floor, was another Necron Warrior, covered in lubricant. No doubt there had just been an event of hipness and supreme funky freshness. Wait. Corner of the eye. Peripheral vision. Doubt. Loss. Ah, yes. This was not just a comrade-in-arms. This was his wife.

More recollection. He was no Necrontyr. No, he was one of the champions of the Slann, an Eldar warrior. But he had turned... why? Yes. It was love. He had loved, and needed to follow his heart! The thought of this would've made him cry, if he was capable of it. He patted the other Necron Warrior, who was currently deep in sleep mode. Clang. Clang. Clang. He grabbed her and lifted her up. There was no time for rest. His Overlord would soon awaken, and he must be served.
The Overlord was surrounded by the corpses of miners. But they were not dead by Necron hands. They had perished to a simple ventilation failure. Two of the miners, a man and a woman, were holding hands. The Overlord began to leak WD-40.

“Phimosus, do you see this? Oh, the tragedy!”
“What is so tragic about it, Overlord?”
“Do you not see? It is love! Love which is now lost to us, we who are husks! We who have lost all that is dear to us!”
“Did you misplace your keys again?”
“No, you fool, I still have the Ghost Ark. I mean our souls. We are soulless! Puppets acting on a galactic stage, with no rhyme or reason to it!”
“I see. If I might speak frankly, Overlord Userkhaurof, I suggest you lie down a bit.”

>>23646882
> He began the maneuver known as Bonesinger Reads The Instructions And Inserts The Wraithbone Rod Into Slot A Improperly While Cursing The Name Of Sura-vedish Furnishings

My sides have achieved warp travel

>>23647078
A Necron Warrior entered the chamber, carrying another in its arms. This display of devotion moved the Overlord so much that he began to leak WD-40 again. The Lychguard groaned.

Mike, or Mikehotep, as he preferred to be called, was trying as hard as he could to communicate with his Overlord. But it was very difficult without a mouth. Then, he had an epiphany. He began to remove the socks from all of the miners...

The Overlord looked at this spectacle with amusement.

“You know, many cultures view the feet as erotic.”
“Yes, Overlord.”
“Personally, I think the most erotic part of the body is the boobies.”
“Yes, Overlord.”
“But the feet are fine too. In fact, I once wrote foot fetish smut.”
“Yes, Overlord.”
“There was this big ball. Not like... testicles balls, mind you, a big sphere. But it wasn't really a sphere. It was like... a ball of legs. I called it Ball Of Legs Woman.”
“Yes, Overlord.”
“It rolled around giving people multifootjobs, until one day it rolled into its one true love-Ball of Arms Man.”
“Yes, Overlord.”
“It was very sexy and I performed routine maintenance on myself for days.”

The Lychguard stopped, turned around, and began to stare at the Overlord.

archived
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html

>>23647145
Mikehotep began to put his master plan into motion. He placed a sock on his left hand. Then he placed a sock on his right hand. Then he placed a sock on his left foot, so that it was loose a bit but could still be manipulated by the foot, then he repeated the process for his right foot. Then he began to move the socks in a manner that could tell a story. Mentally, he resolved to name this new form of art “Sock Puppet Interpretive Dance”.

For the third, fourth, or possibly twelfth time that day, the Overlord was moved. He began to leak WD-40. A purer expression of love, hate, loss, and all the emotions wrapped up in the Necrontyr condition (which really was not very many emotions at all), could not be found anywhere else.

“I understand now!”
“Yes, Overlord.”
“The only way our race can be redeemed is through love.”
“Yes, Overlord.”
“We shall find mortals, my dear Phimosus!”
“Yes, Overlord.”
“Then we shall pleasure them. With sexy results.”
“Yes, Overlord. Wait, what?”

Thus, the Necron armies of the Tomb World of Hyklian III walked the stars once more. But they were vastly understrength. Apparently only the Overlord, his most trusted Lychguard, two Necron Warriors, and a Monolith had managed to awaken. Undaunted, the brave and valiant Userkhaurof climbed to the surface.

>>23647417
But his activities had not gone unnoticed. The Imperial government on Hyklian III had mobilized their PDF to stop the devious xeno threat. The 3rd and 4th Light Reconnaissance Infantry Regiments were dispatched to scout the Necron forces and assay their strength.

The Overlord was unaware of this. At the moment, he was as happy as any sapient being could be in the grim darkness of the Milky Way. This was an unreasonable amount of happiness. He scouted the horizon for mortals to please. At last, he spotted a group of mortals lounging about in the desert. They were tall, green, and covered in spikes. Their large, circular, almost barrel-like physiques screamed menace. Their almost hooliganesque charm won over the Overlord immediately. They were the perfect targets for his new conquest of love.

The Necron army approached the green horde. A single utterance by a Necron Overlord can raze worlds and lay systems to ruin. Userkhaurof knew well the power at his disposal. He uttered the command that would change the face of Hyklian III forever.

“Necron Warriors... engage dry hump protocol!”

The two Necron Warriors, unceasingly loyal even in their half-death, complied. Mikehotep felt himself shuffle towards one of the green monsters, and then, at precisely .2 Hertz, ram his hips into the alien lifeform. This continued for the optimal 75 seconds, then he switched to level 2 Dry Hump Protocol, causing him to hump at a blinding rate of .3 Hertz. His poor victim was soon battered and bruised, and its clear confusion was causing it to sway in the wind. The dunes moved as quickly as the Necron lovebringers did, shifting their gargantuan four foot high crests at a staggering speed of 3 inches per hour.

>>23647542
You bastard, it hurts to laugh right now

>>23647542
Atop one of these dunes, the entirety of the 3rd and 4th Light Reconnaissance Infantry Regiments waited.

One turned to the other and began to speak.

“Clem, these xenos fuckers disgust me.”
“A-yup. Look at dem... necron fellers. Real depraved, I tell you what.”
“You sure do tell me what. They're humping up a humpstorm.”
“Haven't seen this much humping since the combination Corn Shuckin'/Camel Ridin'/Hoedown/Hootenanny five years back.”
“I still can't believe our guvernah got talked into that mess. Hell of a thing.”
“He wert being pressured by one of dem... sales... whatchu calls...”
“Red Takers?”
“Nah, maybe Renegade Merchants.”
“That's stupid, probably Criminal Monger...”
“Dastardly Dealer?”
“Mercantile Masterminds.”
“Nah, it wert fancier than that. Sinister Shopkeeps, mebbe.”
“Heretical Baconman...?”
“Ah, I 'member now.”
“What is it, Clem?”
“He introduced hisself as Crazy Hassan, Rogue Trader estraordinaire.”
“Sure was crazy.”
“Damn was crazy, Jem.”
“Them necron boys are crazy too. Humping cacti like that. You'd get poked in the poker, I tell you what.”
“Ayup.”

The two sat down on the dune and began to play Go Fish.

>>23647697
Sergeant-Brother-Captain-Commander Titanusianikosicus Rex of the Deathwatch watched from another hill, shaking his head disapprovingly.

“The Codex Astartes does not approve of this action.”

He turned to his hardened kill-team. They had toppled tyranids on Typhon Primaris, obliterated orks on Orask, exterminated Eldar on Eustis Majorus, (power)-fisted Felinids on Fenris (it was a lovely vacation), trampled Tau on T'ras, gutted Galg on Gryphonne IV, killed Kroot on Kritias Secundus, battled Barghesi on Betalis III, and slaughtered Slaugth on Stalinvast. Now they would neuter Necrons on a planet that, disgracefully, did not alliterate. He turned his pain gauntlet to Maximum Fuck as penance.

“Battle-Brothers, those vile xenos prance about an Imperial planet, daring to hump the EMPEROR'S FLORA! What shall we do to them?”
“They are attempting to assert dominance and mark their territory! I saw such a thing on the Televatus, on the Biologis channel!”
“Astute observation, brother! Such arrogance from the xenos!”

A blue armored marine paused the conversation to ask a question.

“What is arrogance, brother?”
“Eh? What do you mean?”
“Is arrogance not the assertion that a foul, unwashed xeno can do anything better than one of the servants of our beloved God-Emperor?”
“I see. So we must prove to the xenos that we are better at this than them, so that we may crush their minds as well as their bodies! Brother, embrace me!”
“I shall, Battle-Brother! Let us shed our armor and show the wretched xenos the true meaning of honor!”

The blue armored marine slipped away as the others began to remove their power armor.

>>23648160
why are you doing this? god damnit my sides can't take any more

>>23648160
Overlord Userkhaurof was pleased. Already half of the green horde had surrendered to their fierce, yet gentle touch. A quick search of the knowledge bank revealed that the green lifeforms must be orks. Though normally highly aggressive, beauty had tamed this beast. Yes, the Overlord had good reason to be pleased. The greenskins were growing weak and disorganized as his minions plowed through them. The Overlord stroked his Staff of Light with glee. Soon the rest of his warriors would awaken, and they would go on a glorious crusade of joy, showing the galaxy that all you need is love. He idly drew in the sand while his warriors did their work. Then he heard a great rumbling. A ball of twisted, squirming flesh came rolling at him from over the dune, limbs twitching in the air and pious grunts disrupting the peace and quiet of the desert. The Overlord could only say one thing before he was carried away by the ball.

“My slashfic! It's coming true!”

Then he was swept up by the marines as they rolled onwards, towards the cactus field.

High above the planet, Eldrad Ulthran watched and waited. Beside him was a Fire Warrior with one disproportionately large arm. The scene was unfolding on a screen next to him, conveniently positioned so that the Fire Warrior could watch as well. Just then, an Inquisitor busted through the wall.

“At last, the Eldar Archwitch will meet his doom! I have already sent my trained Deathwatch killteam to the planet's surface to stop whatever foul scheme you have in motion, and my ships have you surrounded. Any last words?”

Then the Inquisitor took a closer look at the screen, and the Tau near him. He closed his mouth, turned around, and left.

Just as planned.

End

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Damnit, Writefag, you sent me sides into orbit last night with this and now it's happening all over again.

Thank you for this.

You complete bastard. I broke my ribs last week. It hurts so much to laugh.....