>>23372572
some good ones from last thread
>its your birthday
>kurze is in charge of making a suprise party
>you enter your room
>the horror
>its fucking event horizon
>raptors flying in the windows breaking stuff using their shock tactics
>angron knocks you the fuck out
>everyone stop and look at angron
>"what? its a suprise party, we are the party that defeated him with element of suprise"

>>23372609
>time to open your presents
>you remember you made it quite obvious to everyone that you want minies
>fulgrim made a mini of himself, from marble, coated it with gold, and painted it so well that it would belong in a art museum back on terra
>angron gives you a crudely painted mini of himself, you hope that this dripping red paint is actually paint and not blood
>magnus gave you a book that reads you when you read it
>emperor gave you nothing for your birthday
>horus gave a world of your choice, to show off to others
>cant find alphariuses gift

>>23372648
>family vacation
>mortarions turn to decide on the spot
>"dad, i dont want to die"
>"neither do i, son"


>russ spends his whole time in bars
>robot girlyman is angry that no one fallows his perfect plan of vacation
>dorn and perturabo build awasome castle from sand and try to ruin each others castle by building functional defense mechanisms and tunnels
>nobody notices that alpharius was missing

>meanwhile alpharius is home alone on terra, and is recreating the "home alone" movie in warhammer universe, where he defends the palace from xenos
>going into his brothers rooms, taking their stuff
>tripped on mortarions acids, tells his legion that everyone is alpharius

>when everyone returns from vacation, nobody gives a fuck about bodies on the floor, because fulgrim got a bitching suntan
>sanguinius taps alpharius on the shoulder to cheer him up
>alpharius spends the rest of his day with a smile, much to suprise of his legion

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Emperor is like Al Bundy. But worse.

>>23372724
>hanging out with your brothers vulcan, mortarion and alpharius
>driving in a car around some imperial world
>alpharius is the driver
>everyone is high as fuck because mortarion
>police siren
>oh shit, everyone put on their cool face
>we stop, policeman comes near drivers door
>nobody opens it
>policeman opens it himself
>no driver
>we have no idea where alpharius has gone either
>everyone barely holding from bursting into laughter
>"ok boys, care to explain why your eyes are red?"
>you "we were in the pool, officer, lots of chemicals got into our eyes"
>"and what were you doing in the pool?"
>everyone "smoking weed"
>mortarion bursts out into laughter
>"ok boys you will have to come with me, but first answer some questions, who are you?"
>"hahaha, your future governors XD lol"
>"answer seriuosly"
>" future governors >: [ "
>"where are you going?
>"october fest"
>"but...its november"
>"we left in may"
>laughter
>"have any cold weapons?"
>"vulcan! get the boltguns from the freezer!"
>"ok guys you are high as fuck, there is no point in asking you this"
>you barely walk out from the car, almost able to stand
>"dear officer, of this muncipalian pleb backwater planet..."
>everyone shuts up and look in awe at you
>"...who are you to be exact?"
>"i, Dick Phalius, second sarge of..."
>alpharius crawls out from under driver seat laughing as fuck from his name
>"alphy, there you are!"

>>23372853
Oh god, moar!

>>23372648
Both perturabo's and dorn's presents are unopenable and when you finally do you they gave you mines instead of minis

>>23372648

Is... Is it wrong that I slightly DAAAW'ed at Angron giving you a crudely made painted mini? (it's the thought that counts)

>emps comes into your room
>"hey son, watcha doin?"
>"not much, thinking to start khorne based army"
>emps slaps you on the head
>"understood?"
>"yeah....nurgle is better"

>>23372994
>his second gift is red axe, that after closer inspection appears to be originally white

>>23372979
>dorn gifts you a castle for your aquarium with functional defenses
>perturabo a toy vindicator to demolish that castle

moar stories

>>23373046
Write them yourself.

>>23372648
>Russ gets you a tied up girl.
>Upon showing confusion and disgust his eyes widen in understanding.
>Robot is clearly pissed off.

"Oh you'll want to catch her yourself!" Russ smacks his forehead.

>He releases the girl who just bolts out the door.
>He then hands you a gun.
>You stare at it dumbfounded.

"Well off you go!" He says with a toothy grin.
"Russ what is WRONG with you?! That's just a girl!!!"
"Hmm you're right, a single slanneshi cultist isn't much of a challenge, you're a better brother then I first thought!"

"Wait cultist?"

>Lion walks in with a dead woman on his shoulder.

"Oh Lion, good thing you killed that cultist when she ran for it!" Robot exclaims.

"Cultist?"

>Ferrus Manus's Gift is a card. Written on it is "Someday, I will give you a present made from my own hands."

>>23373061
>implying i wouldnt accept the girl right away, and would be more happier when finding out about slaaneshi part

but overall i loled

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Man, I wrote this ages ago for another forum, but you guys can have.

(Now, the average family get together, for some reason. I dunno, its Christmas or something)

NO YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED IN ANGRON, NOT TILL YOU TAKE OF THE FILTHY CLOAK. YES YOU HAVE TO WASH IT. DON'T THINK I DIDN'T SEE YOU EITHER JAGHATAI. CLOAK OFF TOO.

NO CORAX, YOUR RAVENS ARE NOT ALLOWED INSIDE THE HOUSE. BECAUSE WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE DINNER AND YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED ANIMALS AT THE TABLE.

Oh Hi Mortarion, look I'm sorry to ask this but can you please do me a huge favor and go check on Sanguinius and Konrad? They're currently in the kitchen. Thanks.

GOD DAMMIT LOGAR, GET OFF THE TABLE AND STOP PREACHING. YOU CAN GO AND TAKE OFF THAT HALO TOO. ITS SCRATCHING THE CEILING YOU TIT, NOW TAKE IT OFF!

RUSS! LION! STOP FIGHTING INSIDE THE HOUSE. NO, I DON'T CARE WHAT HE SAID, YOU CAN'T HIT HIM FOR IT. AND YOU, STOP INSULTING HIM, HE WILL HIT YOU BACK.

Thanks Dorn, if you want go have a seat, Perturbo is down the end waiting for you. Say you haven't see Alpharius or Omegon have you? They said they were coming.

FERRUS, FULGRIM GET BACK HERE. NO YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GO AND EAT THE CAKE. WHY? WE HAVEN'T EVEN HAD DINNER YET!!

ROBOUTE STOP ANNOYING HORUS. NO, NOW IS NOT THE BEST TIME TO BE DISCUSSING MILITARY. BECAUSE I SAID SO, NOW KNOCK IT OFF.

Oh hey Vulkan, Magnus. Oh you guys didn't have to bring anything, really. Ok then, your seats are over there and - WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU ROBOUTE? - sorry guys excuse me for a second - NO HORUS, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GIVE HIM A NOOGIE, KNOCK IT OFF, BOTH OF YOU - yeah dinner will be ready soon ok?

DAD, I SWEAR BY ALL THATS HOLY, IF YOU DO NOT TURN OFF THAT BLOODY GLOWING AURA OF YOURS, YOUR NOT GETTING ANYTHING!

>>23373061
I lol'd

>one of your legions scouts left his night vision thingies in your office
>you try it on
>woah, so bright
>your dad walks in with his aura of light
>to add to his aura he turns the light too
>"oh god, dad, i am blind!"

>>23373105
>alpharius was sitting by the table all along

>>23373105
>letting in mortarion into kitchen
oh my

>>23372572

Awww, I wanted Emps to be a cool dad, like he was before the HH series fucked up everything.

>>23373223
but its funnier that way
see
>>23372819

>fulgrim gives you an autographed picture of himself
>everyone agrees its the best gift ever
>everyone feel inferior to their gifts

>>23373358
>sanguinius taps you on the should to cheer you up
>best feeling you ever had

>>23373105

The games of Castles and Crossbows between Dorn and Perturabo get horrendously... Intense.

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>>23373358
>>23373370

>>23373526
he actually did

his gene seed was the purest, thus the closest to the emperor

>>23373435
It'll be hilarious when they go to the beach. Both of them build ridiculously functional and fortified sand castles, and both of them go to catastrophic extremes to raze the other guy's castle. They'll be building and rerouting canals and throwing volleyballs at each other like crazy.

>>23373534
Who, Fulgrim?

>>23373548

Water balloons too. You'd know Perturabo would buy a whole bunch of remote control helis to bombard Dorn.

Bonus points if those balloons have soda or something caustic in them.

>sneak into lions room to find out why he is so secrative
>find my nephew cypher guarding the secret
>"o, hai"
>nope, nope, nope
>he will surely rat me out to lion
>shit
>i need to dispatch him, blame his catachan devil pet for it
>"if thou want to escape just give me something in return and i will be silent"
>that makes things easier
>"here, have this ctan blade"
>"cool , thanks"

>>23373557
yes

>>23373624
Gotta admit, that was not the impression I got from him. He seemed more like a guy who wanted to be perfect but didn't quite measure up.

>>23372724
>alpharius tripping on mortarions acids
>"man, like, we are all so alike, we all are me, we all are alpharius"
>"yes, sir, understood"
>"but i am the special alpharius, i am like alpharius and omegon! because i have the beggining and the end"
>"of course, sir"

>>23373681
emperor was far from perfect too

>>23373570
>implying they would hire their legions finest to help build their castles
>implying force shields, real bomber runs and daily artillery rounds wouldnt be involved
>fulgrim"stop blocking the sun with your thunderhawks you guys! i am trying to get a tan!"

>>23373747
>implying fulgrim wouldnt build a castle between them and it wouldnt be so beautiful that they would have to stop fire in order to not shoot at it

>>23373747
Fulgrim doesn't get tanned no matter what. His skin is always white as snow, and it sparkles when he is in the sun.

>>23373803
thats mephiston

>>23373747
>Fulgrim falls asleep in the sun when getting a tan
>he doesn't have any sunscreen
>wakes up two hours later
>perfect tan on entire body, no tan lines

>>23373817
>meanwhile, konrad never left his hotel room during the day, his curtains shut

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Oh god, our Emperor reminds me so much of Dr. Jonas Venture from Venture Bros. They seem like perfect role models, but in reality they have only endless expectations from their sons and are horrible fathers in general.

>>23373833
>go on vacation with friends and family
>only hangs out in hotel room during the day
>barely touches his drink when everybody goes out at night
>leaves early
>spots a guy spitting on the sidewalk
>"We interrupt this program to bring you a special news report"

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I...love this thread and i love you people.

>>23373921
Gonna need a sauce on this image...

Alpharius isn't particularly stealthy, his specialty is psychological warfare, covert ops and infiltration.
Corax is the stealthy one. He even has a special power that make people ignore him.

>>23373954
not >>23373921
but just drag it onto google images man. i mean really.

>>23373850
So was the Intergalactic Grand Inquisitor a Sensei?

>>23373990
I'd say he was an Eldar.

>Meanwhile, Corax is being overlooked by everyone
>Just the way he likes it.

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Ah, the hijinks of Dorn and Perturabo...

>own Crossbows and Catapults (pic related)
>Dorn and Perry borrow set
>leave for the morning
>return
>not only have they made the set bigger and deadlier, the whole block has become a goddamn war zone

Dammit you guys.

>>23374030
>Meanwhile, Corax overlooks everyone from his nest on the roof
>Just the way he likes it.

>>23373962
well now, I'd like to argue that the "infiltration" part of your statement relies quite heavily on stealth, no?

>>23374065
Nope.
Infiltration as in dressing up like your enemy and infiltrating his command structure.

>>23374052
>Meanwhile Primarch +++REDACTED+++ is doing +++EXPUNGED+++
>Just the way he likes it.

>>23373962
We havent talked about corax this far....
He is that good at stealth

>>23374085
Yes. Do you not need be stealthy to pull of that kind of scheme? Isn't that what alpha legion is all about, no one knows who the fuck they are, because everybody are alpha legion?

>>23374106
Not really.
That's not stealth, that's espionage.

>>23374121
Ok.

>Angron trying to chill for once
>Girlyman appears and talk about tactics
>Lorgar appears and talks about worshipping the Emprah
>Horus comes in and says "Nah man, let me show how to chill"
>Living room becomes a battlefield thanks to Dorn and Perturbaro
>Angron flips the shit out

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>Just me and you Jonson, we're going to spend a whole weekend fishing together.

>Khan teaches you how to ride a bike

>>23374131
I can see the other guys trying to keep Angron constantly drunk to the point of not being able to stand, just so he won't ruin the vacation by going berserk.

>>23374184
>Guilliman teaches you how to pay speeding tickets and obey the general guidelines of road safety which he handily compiled in a +300 pages pamphlet

>>23374268
>Dad, I wanna go to the beach
>Shut Mortarion and stay in the room with Angron
>Ok dad...

>>23374268

There wouldn't be enough alcohol on the planet for that. Their fucking metabolism turns everything to water.

But by gum, do they try. Fulfgrim would definitely pick up that gauntlet. The perfect booze to put a raging Angron down.

>>23374306
>Shut Perturabo and stay in the room with Angron
Perturabo gets all the shit jobs

>>23374312
Russ manages to get shitfaced somehow. The question is if there's enough alcohol for both of them, and, if not, if Russ is willing to part with a few kegs to keep Angron mumbling into the toilet. This will probably end badly...

Also, the idea of Fulgrim as a moonshiner is hilarious.

>My birthday
> [REDACTED] gave me a set of [DATA EXPUNGED]
> [DATA EXPUNGED] hours later, we [DATA EXPUNGED[
> Thousands of people were [DATA EXPUNGED]

The clean up bill was immense.

>>23374320
yeah, but mortarion leaks toxic fumes

>>23373526
Both of them look adorable, I want to dress them up in frilly clothing before they grow up to be big muscular killing machine. Then again, Fulgrim would look good in it, even when he's grown up.

>>23373358
>>23373370
In the next drawthread I'm gonna request Fulgrim getting a pat on the back by Sanguinius and breaking down crying over how good it feels.

>>23373223
>Awww, I wanted Emps to be a cool dad, like he was before the HH series fucked up everything.
But he wasn't even before the book series started. That's why half his sons turned on him.

>>23376878
To be fair, they never actually elaborated upon it much and it was very much up to the reader to imagine what he was like as a father.

>>23373962
notice that nobody even talks about corax

>Vulkan helps the locals despite not being asked to
>Magnus reads a book by the pool, but leaves for the public library whenever Russ shows up

>decide to make a huge pizza and chill with your bros
>you invite fulgrim, sanguivinius, russ and girlyman
>you guys keep arguing what pizza to make
>decide that everyone makes his own
>girlyman opens culinary book where everything is written to slightest detail how to make vanilla original pizza,it says how to do everything even how to slice a tomato properly, goes into another room to study it in silence
>russ open a bottle of beer and starts pouring various kinds of meat and cheese on it, pours sauces and some seasoning, then adds a fuck load of chilli peppers, gets bored with it and just sits down in the back and starts to sip his beer while chatting with others while his pizza cooks
>girlyman returns and and quickly make a pizza, also adds chilli peppers because hsi book said to experiment, all ingridients are symetricly laid, to make a tactical influx of flavor when eating
>sanguinius makes a fruit pizza, and adds nothing spicy to it, everyone praise how kind he is to be making such pizza
>everyone look into fulgrims direction
>he havent used the dough we bought from shop, he made his own fallowing the most grand techniques possible, he cooked his sauces himself using but handpicked herbs and veggies he found, the ingridients were laid as if in somekind of arcane pattern, when you watched on pizza, it look so beautiful, too beautiful to eat

>everyone shares the slice of their own pizza with others, even tho everyone shared, everyone saw that sanguinius decision to share was the most kind
>everyone agreed that fulgrims pizza was godlike
>we never spoke about it because shame before fulgrim, to whom we gave your piece of shits

>>23377487
I'm pretty sure Sanguinius would measure up quite well.

Think of it like this, Fulgrim would spend a week planning the most exquisite buffet he could imagine, and it would certainly be a feast worthy of even the Emperor himself. And then Sanguinius would show up with a salad bowl and everybody would praise it as the worthiest possible successor to sit on the Golden Throne when the position of Emperor becomes vacant.

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>>23377585
>Fulgrim's face when

>>23377585

Now i start to feel sorry for Fulgrim, but since is all "according to the canon" i can't help but laugh

>>23377585
Fulgrim is the guy that brings along potato salad, 12 types of meat and sausages, a whole loaf of bread, a self made caesar salad, 10 sixpacks and a 7 bottles of soda to the lakeside BBQ. Just so much stuff.

Meanwhile, Sanguinius is like the guy with the BBQ ribs and the whiskey.

On the day that you really want some BBQ ribs and whiskey.

>you put on the ring of superior intelligence that magnus made in order to have the most intellectual conversation ever
>so magnus, lets discuss the things that most people dont understand, and lets start from something, end of the world, lets start from it, tell me your opinion as primarch, so yeah, when will the light end?
>when, you know, mayan calendar and we are "no we wont matches, cans, light, pope, LIGHT there will be not" and then turned on the photons, WHO?! NOBODY! and when you sit, who? hello? nothing! and...scary
>he nods his head looking at you
>BUT! every person, in first place ... year 28.M31 "WE WONT LAUNCH!" then FUCK! journalists! and what? nobody, ever, wanted anything!
>you: rhino!
>he: yes! its like 18,000 (points in one direction) red,(other direction) yellow, bright, a mask you take to your hands and then "hello? magnus?" what!? NOBODY! kids.small. "mommy!mommy!mommy!mommy!" but we cant...we just cant
>you: its understandable, yes
>silence
>you: after our first chat, i just got more questions after your answers...from one side i understood everything, from another i understood nothing
>he: when just, hu-man-kind, darvin, yes, he just goes there, but in reality - biological terran university "emperor!"
>you: no stop, here you...
>he: but do agree...
>you: no... i...
>he: but what about 36 year of M31?
>you: but 43....
>he: and when A MOTHER. STANDS. CRYING! she is crying and then "oh but we didnt knew... we didnt knew"
>you :" we didnt knew" as if agreeing with him

cont.

>>23378083
>he: we need a minister! but what about minister?
>what about minister?
>nothing
>yes
>when eldars "800!" but it cant develop all the time
>its liquid, you understand?
>by all roads, goes only prolonged...
>polygress?
>"MORTARION!" remember when all those "WE WANT!" to whom?and you understand that to NO-BO-DY!
>here i didnt quite get you, if honestly
>how should i, more precise, when every, terran...well its like... a small planet, miniscule, but inside its a huge clusterfu....but we are not like that...we need that 1, 2,3,4...
>potato!potato!
>we have!we have
>we have!
>of course! you understand
>and other primarchs?primarchs!
>when year of 28,29,30, ships dont fly, but! when if any human, terran, mcragian, a woman, every , need, when human all that he needs is one, yeah? year of 38. ah? and he says "no, we dont want it, we want that terran dancing, so it would be advancing" yeah right, one dancer comes and then BRBRBRLL PHEW, OVER!......terran dancing
>uhm....

>>23378268
>>23378083
are you the one who wrote
>>23372853
?

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>this thread

bump

>>23378268
>>23378083
dude

>>23378681
i some times enjoy meth

>>23378696
obviously

>>23373954
ahahahahahahahaha....nsfw also a sexy hentai but again nsfw, go take it to /h/ im sure youll get a response asap

>>23378921
> a wild faggot appears

>>23377585
>>23377876
>Having dinner with my family.
>Everybody brings some food.
>I'll make them the best meal they've ever had so they all recognize that I'm just as good as anybody else.
>After months of selecting the best seeds, growing crops and raising animals, I am finally ready to get in the kitchen,
>Harvest the crops and slaughter the animals I've grown attached to just to get my family this one perfect meal.
>after days of working in the kitchen I'm finally done with my 17 course buffet
>it's actually a 48 course buffet, but only if you eat a bit of everything.
>Also made the finest wines and brews for people to drink, and even added personalized ingredients so that everyone will be happy with what they're drinking.
>Finally a cake the size of a Baneblade that makes your brain fire off endorphins like crazy every time you chew on it.
>It's time for the family dinner.
>Everyone brought something, but nobody brought anything as grandiose as me.
>Sanguinius, the mutant, shows up with only a salad bowl.
>Everyone starts eating.
>They praise me for my cooking.
>Magnus asks me for recipes.
>Khan stops making engine sounds and sits down to eat without running around.
>Dorn pulls the stick out his ass.
>I spot a tear in the corner of Leman's eye.
>I roll in the cake.
>Angron walks up, calmly, and cuts himself a slice the size of a pauldron.
>He takes a bite.
>He puts the cake down and turns to me with his eyes down in the ground.
>He walks up to me, slowly, and, as he embraces me with both his arms, I hear him say ,with a voice that makes me think he's about to cry, "Thank you, brother."
>Hours later we are all collapsed on the floor, our stomachs full of the most delicious food any of us have ever known.
>Daddy's voice booms "This was good, son."
>Suddenly Guilliman says "Brothers, we have not yet tasted the fruit salad of our brother Sanguinius!"

>>23379117
>Sanguinius responds "Well, if you're still hungry. I know I'm pretty stuffed on Fulgrim's delicate treats."
>This is it! I won! After all this hard work I'm worth something! Celebration!
>"I'll go get something to drink."
>Come back a few moments later.
>Everyone is seated around the salad bowl. Does nobody even want to taste it?
>Sanguinius stands up and brings me a plate with some fruit salad on it. "Here, have some. It's good, I promise."
>I've won. I smile a victor's smile as I bring the fork to my mouth.
>He smiles back.
>I bit down into the salad. It is the most delicious anything I have ever tasted. My smile fades.
>I throw the rest of the salad where my mouth is.
>I start choking.
>Sanguinius pats me on the back as I gasp for air.
>It's the greatest feeling I have ever felt.
>"You should slow down there, bro. It's just a salad."
>I start crying in front of everybody.

>>23379129
>>I start crying in front of everybody.
i summon thee o drawfag of ye olde

>>23379675
Here.
>>23363754

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>>23379117
>>23379129
What's going on in this thread?

>>23382417
not much at the moment, sadly.

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>>23382488
I'm sure we can fix that.

>>23382526
No we can't.

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Well, this thread seems to have reached the disappointing destination of dead-fucking-end, so I'm going to bed.