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Here's another one you guys might enjoy, from the same quest

>still be barbarian
>still be retarded
>come across a "toll bridge" in the canyon
>bridge guarded by two ogres and one ogre mage
>ranger approaches ogre mage
>"you got the toll then bugga?" ogre mage says
>"sorry. nope" ranger says
>ranger uses earrings of shadow walk to blink into the shadow plane for a split second, appearing behind the ogre mage, stabbing him in the jugular killing him instantly
>he falls down, rolls to the right and takes and ogre with him
>i walk up as my barbarian to the last ogre
>grab his face with my gauntlet that deals 3d6 sonic damage, vibrate the fuck out of his skull and push him off the bridge
>ogre spectres come up and ask what's going on
>ranger blames death of ogres on me
>i blame death of ogres on on of the kobolds
>ogre spectres glomp kobold and take him down to pit or some shit
>ogre on cliff side adjacent to bridge throws a fucking tree at me
>catch the fucking tree and throw it back
>ogre catches it and throws it back at me
>catch it again and throw it back
>he catches it a-fucking-gain and throws it back
>"fuck this" i say and take my Axe of Evocation and slice the fucker in half, both tree halves go flying behind me hitting two ogres
>ogres pause
>ogres begin clapping
>party begins clapping
>Lahk begins clapping like an overgrown manchild
>ogre woman approaches me carrying an ugly as fuck ogre mage baby
>"my husband was brutally murdered by that kobold"
>i stare at her with a cock eyed underbite
>"will you please take this child with you and raise him as his father"
>accept baby because i'm retarded and have no idea what she's talking about
>ogres and party claps
>i clap with ogre child in my hands
>go to sleep on our airship later forgetting about the baby, half fiend and rogue later sacrifice it so rogue can become chaotic evil so they can become an assassin
>wake up next morning
>"who's fucking baby is this?"

Noko doesn't even do anything anymore, especially in the subject field. Keep going, you beautiful bastard.

>>22968065
>ogres pause
>ogres begin clapping
>party begins clapping
>Lahk begins clapping like an overgrown manchild

Is...is your campaign setting America?

>>22968134
>>>/int/

Okay, so, I'm totally NOT trying to be a dick here, but...

It sounds like your DM has no imagination and has a very herp-derp sense of humor. Or maybe you guys just play this particular game like that.

Either way, stories about overpowering your way through arbitrary circumstances aren't exactly epic. I'm sure it was a fun time then, but here, in the now, there is pretty much nothing that people are gonna want to hear about a campaign like this.

Just saving you the trouble of sitting and hitting refresh and wondering why no one is replying.

>>22968150

I would like to hear more, actually. This man knows EXACTLY how to play a Barbarian.

>>22968200
fair enough, then,

I want to see this character sheet.

>>22968150
Scratch the epic part then, just general D&D greentext stories. But our DM does have a very vivid imagination and the story he's created for us is pretty awesome in my opinion. I'm jsut sharing stories from our campaign that have been highlights for my character(s).

>be barbarian
>was raised by bears from age 2
>bears killed parents because they knew I would grow up to be barbarian and they were unfit to raise me
>be 18 with full beard and biceps the size of a dwarf's thigh
>be visiting humanoid papa bear
>dad's sick
>well shit
>dad asked for us to go to cave and retrieve ceremonial knife but to beware of the witch that has been the bane of the bear village for years
>go to cave
>2 witches guarding knife in cave
>of course they are
>cut off one witch's arm with scythe
>uses counter-spell feat and casts finger of death
>god dammit, second time this has happened to Lahk
>get revived and whoop witches ass
>witch is ded
>second witch has OP robe that when she's hit by an attack that deals damage that is greater than 75% of her max HP, the damage is negated
>battle drags on for 3 more rounds
>witches combine to create super gemini witch
>nearly kills Lahk again
>Lahk retreats for the first time in his life
>gets healed and drinks potion of enlarge, and bull strength potion
>get a 16 with my cursed scythe which is a crit
>bull strength deals 3d8
>enlarge deals extra damage, not sure how much
fucking kill gemini witch
>grab knife
>run back to bear village
>papa bear tells me story of how he's my real father and that witch is my real mother and she cursed him to become a bear and he kidnapped be to protect me
>too much to handle bro
>papa bear tells me to take his life with ceremonial knife and skin him to make an armor out of his fur
>kill dad
>dad is ded
>dad's soul speaks to me
>i'm the son of Kord, the god of strength, thus you are his grandson
>happen to worship Kord
>realize i'm aasimar
Cont.

>>22968318
That was fucking awful.

>>22968248
I don't have the character sheet on me at the moment, DM keeps all the character sheets in individual folders inside a lockbox with all our books, but Lahk Ruk'Tahl is pretty badass for a level 8 barbarian and level 1 headhunter (prestige class DM created)

>>22968318
>suddenly get a buncha bonuses cuz I never new how cool I really was
ye

Anyway, the headhunter prestige is pretty awesome.

>choose weapon to focus in
>this is your headhunter weapon
>whenever you deal the killing blow with a headhunter weapon you absorb their soul
>absorb maximum of 20 souls per day
>souls disperse next time you rest
>each souls adds 1 to your first attack's base attack
>later headhunter levels gain an ability that adds 1d8 to your next attack for every soul stack you have
>possibility to deal 4d6, 20d8, +8 +4 with a crit range of 12-20

Lahk is pretty badass

Keep in mind that anyone can post a story they wish to share. I don't really have many more that I remember vividly, we've been in this campaign for about a year now so a lot of the older stuff is kind of a blur.

>>22968248
If this thread is still up tomorrow, I'll see if I can get a whole of my DM and have him list my character sheet off to me and I'll post it.

>>22968377

Dude, fuck you. Going on a quest to justify your race/deity pick is awesome.

I would post D&D stories, OP, but they're all about how my group was almost literally a bag of dicks. I am glad you have had and are having fun.

>>22968486
Go ahead, post some bro, the more ridiculous the better.

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>>22968134

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>>22968515

Alright. I'm usually a GM, so this one is about my players.

My first real attempt at DMing; a mech warfare game, giant love letter to Gundam 08th MS team. Giant robots barely clearing the tree line, fighting in NOT-VIETNAM, with tank chopper backup. Due to a slip of the tongue, accidentally becomes WWII jungle theatre, as the players are now fighting Nazis.

Party consists of:
>wannabe black-ops guy; we'll call him Snake
>mech: standard medium humanoid, uses grappler attachment. Ends up popularizing it such that everyone in the team gets one.
>custom weapon: mag-lev mech combat knife

>Stringer, son of a general, by-the-books commander role. Ends up co-captaining with Snake, which keeps them both in check.
>mech: standard medium humanoid. Adds some Zone of the Enders customizations later.
>custom weapon: mech sniper rifle with hyperscope.

>Vasquez, alcoholic Mexican female; chalks up game absences to binge drinking, which isn't too far off the mark IRL
>mech: Big-ass tank with electronic warfare/hacking/radar equipment and a big goddamn cannon.
>custom weapon: Onboard AI she calls "Bang-Bot".

>Ruby, silent badass female. Player is incredibly shy.
>mech: Standard medium humanoid. I had a lot of trouble getting them to specialize, if you couldn't tell.
>custom weapon: "Ruby's Revenge", cluster rocket launcher; her crits with this weapon are what upgraded her from "silent" to "badass".

So, with introductions out of the way...

>playing barbarian in epic
>getting ass kicked by kraken
>warden does no damage
>rogue has been stunned for 5 rounds
>warlord is getting ganked by some minions, i dont even know
>wizard next to me get weird look in her eye
>you know, that weird look that only wizards get
>banishes the 5x5 kraken to a maze on some demiplane
>seals the area around us from teleportation, and extraplaner travel, sustain minor
>kraken finally solves maze, finds out the end of the maze is a really long dead end
>kraken is effectively removed from combat until the wizard wants it to come back
>DMs to busy laughing to say no
>mop up other monsters
>rogue still stunned
>cleric casts fortune on epic avenger
>avenger gets 2 crits
at this point the DM stopped laughing, so I made the DM a drink
>Karken comes back
>Wizard stuns it
>avenger gets two crits, and then crits each of her free attacks, action points, rolls two 9s (which is a crit for her), and crits her final attack
>6 fuggin crits
>bloodies kracken in bullshit burst
>I intimidate kraken to compel it to back down
now I would like to say that I rolled a 20, but I didnt. I rolled a 16. With all my bonuses, came out to a success against the kraken
>kraken begs to be sent back to maze
>the rogue, who finally got to act this combat says wait
>steals the krakens action point, the color/shape of its eye, and "treasure bladder",
>Wizard dismisses kraken
>out of game she turns to the DM
>"Sorry bout your luck DM"

We spent the next 30 minutes roleplaying and drinking while the DM sat in the corner and stewed. Apparently he spent almost two hours making that kraken from scratch. Finally he got up and said that he should have seen that coming and we proceeded to loot everything.

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Since OP is awesome and not a faggot, I'll post one of my own. This session literally happened 24 hours ago. Homebrew setting, deity heavy, all books are go.

>Be Crusader of Kord
>Live in NotSkyrim province of largely religiously tolerant folk
>New religion springs up and starts shitting on all other religions
>Tore down Coliseum built in honor of Kord in NotImperialCity
>Before local temple of Kord in hometown is desecrated, get send to NotImperialCity to see what the fuck is going on
>Enter City wearing decorated Banded Mail and carrying a banner
>Find myself in a crowded plaza, makingmywaydowntown.gif
>Suddenly platform surrounded by guards
>Guard says, "You better put that down, boy."
>"No." Nat 20 intimidate
>Flashy Evangelical leader comes out of the sky like a badass
>Begin waving my banner
>Gang of peasants walk up to me
>"You better put that down before it gets messy"
>"I'd like to see you make that happen."
>Fight breaks out, Other PCs decked out in gear with decor for their chosen deity
>We murder them all
>Guards and spectators oddly too entranced by Evangelist to notice PCs cleaving through 10 peasants
>Hear cheering from the alley
>Investigate and find "Traditionalist" NotStormcloak rebels
>Situation explained; Food & Water poisoned to make minds more susceptible to propaganda
>Give them food, Cleric cleans a dumpster with, then fills with summoned water.
>Have plan, go to buy poisoned food to feed to those who we may need to help us.
"Baker, I'll pay twice the going rate for enough bread for 5 men."
"How much ya got?"
"Twenty."
"Well, unfortunately for you, double the rate would be twenty five."
"Okay, here you go."
>Go back to party to find that they've been approached by a samurai detective hired by Traditionalists
>He's a cocky mother fucker, I offer him some of our "Not tainted" food.
>He falls for it, DM decides it doesn't work enough in the quantity he would have eaten, though

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>be DM
>party consists of nothing but melee characters
>make a sweet little elf healer to to keep them patched up
>sweet little elf healer was not prepared for the parties actions
>This includes drunken rage bar fights. party thievery, killing the person that hired them and some more brawls
>Had her freak out and scream "I don't agree with anything you folks are doing!"
>Had her run away in the night
>Replaced her with a bro cleric that they greatly enjoyed
>They will bring that healer up from time to time and laugh about it
>my face knowing they had a good time

Here's one from me
>be human ranger in a country opressed by lizardmen
>I fucking hate lizardmen because they imprisoned dad and killed my mentor
>one day lizardmen burn the church in my home village down(probably our party's fault but whatever)
>paladin whos church it was and me go apeshit and charge to find the nearest lizardmen patroll
>find them and brutaly murdered them
>druid who likes the lizardmen no more than us makes a brilliant sudgestion
>let's skin them and make a giant boot out of them
>instantly ok with idea and start skining and puttin together a lizard boot
>suddenly another patrol comes up probably the shift change
>they notice us and watch in horror what have we done to their bretheren
>they charge us in blind rage and one runs back for reinforcements
>we're still in rage mode ourselves so we kill them and want to make another boot out of them
>someone says that the reinforcements will probably be here soon
>i decide that we can't let these perfectly good lizadmen bodys go to waste so i slice them to bits and throw all the bloody meat in the giant lizardskin boot and then run away
>after that the party was forever knows as the shoe makers
> and the druid went painting little green boots on the walls of every lizard district we entered

>>22968703

>First big mission: Players must rescue hostages from a temporary factory set up in the middle of the jungle.
>After gleaning details about the topsoil, Snake gets the idea to use a tunneling drone ("Do we have one?" "We do now.") to break into basement
>They also plant a mini-nuke on the drone
>He digs in, beats up guards, sends prisoners back down tunnel, shoves tissue in his nose to fake a German accent, passes diplomacy with flying colors
>"bravely" takes an armless enemy mech with one gun on it and charges headlong into the "attackers"
>these being the rest of the team, who have almost literally butchered the enemy mech guards, limbs exploded everywhere
>nuke goes off, vaporizes factory and retreating supply train
>Ruby still has a higher kill count than the nuke, jesus christ
>Snake gets sample of new chemical weapon (it hyper-rusts metal) by using a man's lungs as a balloon to store some
>pair of lungs becomes team's insignia

>Another big mission; players must attack a magnetically-shielded artillery emplacement in a misty canyon, at midnight
>canyon is laid out with rocks on the table
>Stringer takes position on the far end of the map, gets in a tense sniper duel
>AN ENEMY ACE APPEARS
>Ruby and Ace have a tense battle, ends in a near double-kill as he's KO'd by rockets to the face and her cockpit is blown wide open, putting her at near-death HP and bleeding out fast
>Snake parks his mech, runs to her downed mech to apply first aid, stabilizes her
>Suddenly - "wha-zrrrng" sound of mech powering up
>Snake turns, wounded Ruby in his arms, to stare down the barrel of his own gun
>Enemy ace gloats over his intercom
>Snake rolls Diplomacy, challenges him to "fight him like a man"
>There's a long pause

>>22968832
I'm greatly enjoying your story

Am person invited by OP.

as some explanation prior to telling actual story

>Be Bard that was raised by the Bears named Thomas DeCristo that raised Lahk, my village was burned by pillagers, wander into forest with only my father's bass as the only that I was able to save that wasn't the clothes on my back
>Be raised with Lahk, know bear and was older than Lahk (like, 9 or so) so managed to know Common in mostly full.

so onto the actual story

>Later on with group, be at a magical Carnival in the woods that is where children keep getting mind controlled to going
>Go into carnival, notice ticket booths
>notice no one at the ticket booths
>reach in, litterally just grab entire roll of tickets
>no one gives a fuck
>we have shit to do
>Later on, we have a Haunted House to go through
>It is blocking out path
>Look for alt routes
>Decide that I'm going to fucking climb on top of it
>Get on top
>Gm is pissed as shit
>"You know what, fuck it, you find what looks like a fucking plane of death on top, and you see death in front of you
>I have a diplomacy of fucking 20 naturally, and roll 16
>"I displomacy with the plane."
>"God damn it."
>"MORTAL, WHY DO YOU COME TO MY LAIR"
>The GM has fucking Death show up
>"Hello there sir, big fan of your work, I was just looking for ways to get over the Haunted House below"
>"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE COME HERE MORTAL"
>"Do you think you could help us get over this haunted house?"
>"NO."
>Death throws his fucking Scythe at me
>"I roll to catch"
>NAT FUCKING 20
>GM rolled a fucking 20
>I roll again
>3
>GM got a 17
>I get hit with the Scythe so hard I fly off the back of the house, lose a hand, and get a giant Cheshire Cat type face scar in my chest
>Everyone is confused on what the fuck happened
>Explain story
>Paladin nearly smites me on the spot claiming that I'm unholy
>Talk to him and get him to "cure" me so I don't lose blood from the arm and am "holy" enough for him
Cont next post

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>be paladin
>ba named admiral ackbar cuz i'm an uncreative prick
>be going through dark carnival place thing cuz a vampire has kidnapped a bunch of children and turn them into his vampire spawn
>be fighting vampire and vampire spawn children
>have goat that druid made pocket size with a spell
>have small box that lets out a bright sun-like light
>remove all my armor
>i'm naked
>fucking naked
>slit goats throat and cover body with goat blood
>"hey vampire kids! over here!"
>all the kids see me covered in moist goat blood and this whets their appetites
>4 vampire children rush at me
>right as they begin gnawing on my flesh I open the sun box and it blinds them all, causing burn damage
>kill gay vampire dude (we "killed" his gay lich lover earlier)
>children reverted to human form
>return children to the town of New Undeen
>mayor asks child what she remembers
>the first thing she remembers is the paladin naked covered in blood
>mfw I get fucking jailed for being a pedophile covered in blood

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>>22968832

>The mech shuts down
>out steps Hans, 6 foot 6, twice as wide as Snake
>They beat the shit out of each other, it's an epic slugfest
>Meanwhile, Stringer and Vasquez take out the remaining guards, apply gunfire directly to unshielded portions of gun emplacement reactor
>Snake wins by kicking Hans in the balls
>Party evacuates, leaving a table-clearing nuclear explosion behind them for maybe the sixth time in a row

>Return to base; three days later
>It's a calm, but sweltering, summer's eve in the base camp
>Commander is giving congratulations, promotions for last mission
>As he's walking with them, mid-sentence, a sniper bullet tears his head off
>entire table shits bricks as they fend off enemy guerilla assassins, racing for their mechs, while enemy mechs are stomping in from the jungle
>Barely defeat assassins and mechs, taking heavy losses
>Suddenly, a radio call comes in (Vasquez, late again)
>An enemy mega-plane has been spotted approaching the camp with a heavy payload
>It's on a trajectory to hit their camp first, and then the main forward command bunker
>the AA guns are all down
>When it gets into a 2 KM range, to-scale for table, I put a mini clear on the other side of the apartment on top of my TV
>Stringer sets up in a kneeling position at the base of a radio tower, jacks in
>Combining engineering (Snake + Ruby, marshaling surviving engineers), comms skill (Vasquez, connecting the entire remaining radar network from a remote tank hangar), and accuracy (Stringer, using his scope, character traits, etc.) rolls, get a cumulative bonus of +40 or so to one attack roll, where +4 is pretty darn good
>Stringer has one shot to take down this plane or they lose the war
>He pulls the trigger
>Roll is good; clips one engine, brings it crashing down, table fucking explodes with cheer
>It crashes, carving a path through the trees, skidding to a halt just after breaching the camp wall

>and then the radios all go dead

>>22968150
Yer a cunt.

>>22968929
>A second fucking person from OP and mine's group is here
god damn it

>>22968926
cont
>Get to big fight described by Ackbar above
>Getting our shit slapped
>Ringmaster goes to fucking tier 2 bullshit flying bat
>Getting our shit slapped HARDER
>I try to jump up and stab him with long sword because i don't have much in damaging songs because we're like 3 or 4,
>Get my shit smacked down to unconcious
>GM Reveals some bullshit
>I get posessed by Death, its revealed I became an Apostle Apostle when I was scar'd and lost my hand
>I go full on fuck shit up mode while not being able to control myself, and am talking to one of Death's Apostles while my body fucks shit up
>My body gets a fucking huge rope that has flaming black fire at the bottom, eyes roll back into head, get a scythe, and long ass black hair
>I proceed to one shot the ringmaster
>Then the lich that Ackbar mentioned shows the fuck up
>Meanwhile when I was not in control, I learn that the death that got my arm was actually an Apostle, and he still has my arm, and every time I pass out I'm gonna go back to death shit.
>Then I end up waking up just before the Lich starts trying to fuck us up.

>>22968958

Thus ended the first mech campaign. It turns out the bomber was a decoy. Their side lost the war, after all, due to the sudden mass introduction of the chemical agent they'd discovered earlier - melting radio towers, armor, supply trucks in a calculated mercenary guerilla strike that cost the Nazis pennies on the dollar.

This, of course, was the setup for the next campaign, as the Resistance. But I'll tell you that one later.

>>22968806

This is priceless. I needed that laugh.

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not mine, but found it and loled

>>22969058
Waiting for someone to post this.

>>22968983

tell us that story. NOW

>Be playing a dwarf wereboar dwarf barbarian
>dumb as a rock
>be part of a siege attack on a castle
>convince party members to launch me inside with a catapult
>Scream like a mad cunt
>splattered against the castle walls

and that is the story of how I stopped drinking while playing D&D

>>22969244
>dwarf wereboar dwarf barbarian
>dwarf dwarf
wat

>>22969244
>Wereboar
I like it
>>22969269
A dwarf suffering from dwarfism clearly

>>22969269
>the year 2013 of our lord and savior
>not playing a double dwarf

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>>22969303
>Double dwarf

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>>22969309
>mfw

>>22969244
Here is another one from me
>Party is fighting some sort of spirit creature
>Run out of spells
>We cant hurt it with physical attacks and we can't really make a run for it either
>the bard shouts out:"guys.. I think I have a plan"
>uses summon magical instrument
>DMs face when we take turns beating the ghost with a magical lute

>>22969309

Oh damn, don't make a sick guy with a cough and sinus problems laugh that hard! That really fucking hurt, you double-nigger!

>my sides are in orbit, thanks for that!

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>>22969349
Wait, what? Does it count as a magical weapon? It's a fucking cantrip

>>22969361
Well.. Our DM allowed it. Not sure if it is 100% legal though

>>22969424
I'd allow it if it was me personally, since a lute deals, what, 1d3?

>>22969361
No, because the instrument summoned is typical in all ways, but who cares? It was awesome.

I wish I could participate. All my stories suck balls, not necessarily because they aren't epic, but rather because I am a bad story teller.

>>22969432
1d1.

>>22969432
improvised weapon actually since its not meant to be used as a club.

1d4+1/2 str and the fragile quality.

>>22969549
I would probably throw the players a bone and give it a +1 enhancement bonus for being so magical.

>>22968318
>witches combine to create super gemini witch
You fucking killed Twinrova

>>22967859
Thats bad roleplaying man, If you were super retarded you would have never thought of using the mindflayer head in such a way.

>>22969645
perhaps he passed the retard threshhold and came out the other side?

>>22969645
When he killed the mind flayer he simply thought "ye, trohpy" but when he woke up the next day, after the effect of the ogre brain stew wore off, thus gaining literacy once more, he then realizes that he could use is as a weapon.

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>>22968134

>>22968318
this story ahahahahaha
>be barbarian
>was raised by bears from age 2
>bears killed parents because they knew I would grow up to be barbarian and they were unfit to raise me
>be 18 with full beard and biceps the size of a dwarf's thigh
this is so fucking great

>>22969681

Dude, every time you use "ye", I just imagine your barbarian screaming "YEEEE" with a dumbass grin on his face.

>>22969733
am I alone in thinking his story is retarded?

Its all derp derp herpa herp.

None of the mechanics he quoted make any goddamn sense. Maybe thats the joke.

>>22969681
But why would you keep it as a trophy if I were a barbarian I would cook the head and eat the brain to gain its knowledge.

>>22969824
You're the joke! And your dick is the punchline!

>>22969851

Because not every barbarian has the same traditions and customs?

>>22969859
no how dare you correct me by pointing out that all characters are unique with alignment and class only being guidelines, picture this video as my reaction.
http://www .youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=tevkM-vPqLY#t=40s

>>22969896

Well I was just saying, it seems like you were trying to imply that his way was incorrect because it was different fr--OW, FUCK!!!

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>traveling across a desert in a covered-wagon type deal with stoner elf rogue, dumb-as-shit dwarf and human fighters, and gnome illusionist
>smell something burning
>don't do anything about it, continue sweet wagon ride
>hear a hissing sound
>don't do anything about it
>DM, having given us two chances to save ourselves, finally lets stoney the elf's bootleg fireworks (that he kept in the wagon for whatever reason) explode
>mostly unharmed
>wagon is smithereens
>middle of desert canyon
>night is approaching
>fuck.jrpg
>make a campfire out of some of the goddamn wagon kindling and stoney's lighter
>prepping spells and whatnot, interrupted by goddamn giant canyon bats
>human fighter has a khukri (spelling?) and a trident
>throws trident at bats
>rolls 1
>pins his own foot to the ground
(we were pretty new at the time, so we didn't really know what to do with our ranks/skills, so we obviously decided to put them in retarded shit)
>both fighters can fucking handle animals perfectly, and i decided to put a shitload of ranks into 'use rope' and 'craft vehicle' because i couldn't into crafting anything else
>lasso bats, make flying machine

One more story of Lahk before I go to bed.

Out of character:
>be co-DM flipping through monster manual with DM
>find frost worm
>DM is all holy shit dats big
>I bet Lahk could just scare it with his beard or something
>I bet not
>oh its on mother fucker

In character:
>spend the next 4 levels putting all skill points into intimidate
>be level 8
>fight purple worm, not quite as badass as a frost worm but it'll do for now
>my entire life has been leading up to this monumental moment
>DM says "roll for initiative"
>I say "fuck you, i'm gonna roll to intimidate"
>DM allows it
>roll an 18 on intimidate plus my base intimidate of fucking 22 for a total of 40, purple worm ain't got shit on Lahk
>purple worm isn't allowed to attack until next round
>ranger grabs hold of Lahk and we shadow walk into it's innards
>start fucking it up from the inside
ye

>>22970031 what is the ranger multiclassed with that he shadowwalkes?

>>22970031
When you say "ye" like that, it makes me think you are of african descent. Nothing wrong with that, just the mental picture I get.

>>22970060
>ranger uses earrings of shadow walk to blink into the shadow plane for a split second, appearing behind the ogre mage, stabbing him in the jugular killing him instantly
as stated in a previous greentext story also in this thread.
>>22968065

>Playing a mage
>Party fighting an avatar of a changeling god
>Get hit by a transformation attack
>Roll for effect
>One of my arms becomes a huge centipede
>Use my newly found appendage to beat the shit out of the avatar
>DM asks if I want to revert the effect
>Fuck no

>Take a few levels in Fighter
>Take Weapon Proficiency: Unarmed (Centipede arm)
>I AM THE AMAZING CENTIPEDE WIZARD

>>22970090
sorry my blind

>>22970131
Get Glasses?

>Playing Homebrew Superhero D&D Style game
>Sent to Vegas to track down 1 of 10 Big bad guys who formed a league, hes been killing people and stitching them together
>Rumour of a "Killer Show" in the casino next to were first body was found
>Find him on stage, we are only ones in the performance hall
>Pretty much a Jester telling bad jokes
>Fighting begins and turns into trading attacks between us, him and his minions
>The Jokes keep flying, turns into nothing but Puns after each attack
>"Looks like your friends have gone to pieces","Your plans coming apart at the seams" Party pretty much laughing at him in character
>Jester loses his shit from being upstaged.

It is at this stage i should not the performance hall contained several instruments including a grand piano. Also that one party powers were pretty much a portal gun.

>Portal placed above his head while hes distracted
>"Hey What do you get when you toss a piano down a mine shaft?"
>Jester Turns around, Portal now placed below Piano
>"A flat minor"
>Mini boss now crushed below a grand piano
>"And on that note i think the fight is over"

>>22970452
So pretty much future batman vs joker with a funnier punchline

>>22968150

I have this for you, I understan what you wanted to say and agree with it.

(pathfinder SRD only setting)
> lvls3 Fighter, Zen archer, Paladin and Sorcerer Party
>Party is fighting a flying evil outsider(no one recognice what it is) on a cliff
>Demon is obliterating our party with spells while flying
>We ran out of healing spells and our Zen archer monk went negatives
>Our sorcerer rans out of spells and only a few overcomed SR
>We have nothing else to do VS a flying monster who is spamming scorching ray on our party members
>ask DM how far is it flying from the edge
>he says: hummm about 20ft.
>The fighter is near the edge
>fighter shouts: "Ok, lets do this"
>everyone is staring at him like "lets do what?"
>fighters says he wants to charge and made a jump as part of the charge
>DM gives permision to him
>rolls 18, (+str-armor, enought to make the 20ft jump)
>attack, with greatsword, midair
>lands hit and kills the creature (not hard with pathfinder fighter, OP as fuck)
>the DM says the creature is cut on half
>he does a decorative 360 ollie mid air
>Fighter falls and dies
>DM says after that "and you are rewarded with 1 hero points"
...


We went looking for him downcliff, we found him, he survived (losing 2 hero points as the rules says) and lost hist +1Greatsword, we all bought a new one for him. total bro DM

We need more stories!

>>22969151
>>22973793

I'll gladly oblige, continuing from >>22968958

The follow-up campaign was assembled after much popular demand, and was moved to a new, bigger table at Snake's place; he also started carting in more players from a town over, where our store for FNM was. I also did some upgrades to the homebrew system we were using, which proved very much worth it.

With the last campaign having ended in defeat, the team's home nation was under occupation by the Totally Not Nazis. Their first few missions were daring hit-and-runs to acquire supplies and bolster their forces, but some of the fights were unforgettable.

The new party, introduced over iterative sessions in this second campaign;

>Snake, returning; still not black-ops like he wanted, but getting there
>Stringer, returning; his father, the general, had disappeared when they lost the war, but there was a glimmer of hope for his survival
>Vasquez, returning, with even more drunken intermittence

>Nikolai, Russian hacker, light humanoid model. Jolly support and credit to team.
>Bangley, actual name forgotten; Irish drunkard driving a tank with arms.
>Sprig, Irish, also Irish IRL, ex-IRA, driving a subterranean arm-tank with arms wielding a drill hammer
>Svoth, Swedish mercenary, humanoid mech; only showed up once or twice, as per merc background
>Alex, Svoth's roommate, also a mercenary

>First new mission: raid a paint factory to get coatings to resist Eisenfaust, the iron-destroying chemical weapon which lost them the war
>Suddenly, monster-humanoid mechs in packs
>Nikolai tries to hack, fails, discerns that they're being powered by dog brains (based on real Nazi science!)
>Stringer intimidates one down, it enters killswitch mode and collapses
>Being a dog lover, he parks, leaps out of the cockpit, and manually interfaces with it to override the self-destruct
>Ends up saving the dog brain and keeping it in a box with legs as a pet for the rest of the campaign

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>>22969645
That's an Orky form of retardation. Gork and Mork would approve.

>>22974000

>Bangley's introduction mission; rescued from inside a building, which the party later ends up collapsing on top of enemy forces
>A Krieghund (the dog-powered mechs) grapples Snake's mech and starts a countdown timer to self-destruct
>Hacking attempts fail, they finally rip the thing's power core out
>Bangley makes a hail-mary pass (with a truck) just as the timer goes off and they get the soft end of the massive nuclear shockwave, which obliterates all the cardboard terrain on that side of the map
>Drinking afterward to celebrate

>Stringer finally gets word about his father, the general
>Good news: He's alive, and in cryo-stasis, so as to protect the nuclear launch codes he has memorized
>Bad news: The cryo-pod, along with all the remaining refugee diplomats, are on a submarine, which is currently sinking
>Team slaps on some swim gear and gets dropped off the coast
>Daring plan to cut the top tower of the sub off, float it to the surface, save everyone
>Interrupted by a destroyer-class warship dropping depth charges, plus aquatic Krieghunds with fin legs and some harpoon-launching enemy mechs
>Nikolai reroutes the submarine's propellers, traps retarded Krieghunds swimming against the thrust current for a good number of turns
>Stringer, Sprig and Bangley carefully cut off the top of the sub, using it as cover while they shoot down the harpoon mechs
>Snake burns his entire jetpack fuel reserve to leap above the water line and land on the warship
>It's the K.S.S. PartyTiemenVunderBar, a repurposed pleasure cruiser
>Entire crew is captive beach babes and a few guards
>While the rest of the table is laughing to death, Snake points his gun directly at the bridge and demands their surrender
>Nazis all flee, beach babes take command of the ship
>Captain sets reactor to self-destruct on his way out
>Snake runs into the reactor room, barely surviving the radiation thanks to his pilot suit, and defuses the bomb with remote help from Nikolai
>lost 2d6 hair points

>>22974186

>Nikolai asks for a custom laser, mounted on a remote drone
>Gives me a video clip from Zoids to look at
>okay.jpg
>It's an experimental prototype, takes multiple turns to charge, and may or may not be incredibly dangerous
>Next fight takes place in a redwood forest (using discarded shotgun shell casings as redwoods, since I had an entire box of them)
>Trees used for cover, intense firefighting ambushing an enemy convoy
>Svoth and Alex are downright professional as a two-man strike team
>Nikolai finally charges laser, fires at cluster of injured enemies
>I just rake my hand over the table, carving a massive path of destruction through everything, leaving charred stumps and a molten pool of slag
>his face nearly splits from smiling

>Next session, Stringer and Vasquez visit the ailing General in the hospital
>"I'm proud of you, son"
>Suddenly, eco-terrorists
>"REVENGE FOR THE REDWOODS!"
>Entire table looks at Nikolai
>Enemy mechs show up, players have to AVOID collateral damage to the hospital
>Given their track record, this is nearly impossible, and an enemy mech ends up punching multiple holes in it
>Inside, Vasquez decides to take her shirt off to wave as a white flag
>Being that she's an alcoholic and generally uninhibited, and it's summer ingame, make her "roll for bra today"
>fails
>General gains 1 HP

>During one fight, Snake finally defeats and kills Hans, the enemy ace
>Later, Stringer and Snake are infiltrating an infantry boot camp by ambushing two guys in the woods at a bus stop and taking their recruit uniforms
>On the bus, they meet Hans
>He's never met them before and starts hitting on Snake immediately
>Snake is straighter than a geometric plane
>Later in that mission, Sprig burrows up through the middle of a soccer stadium, wrecks everything
>Hans defects out of sheer awesome

>>22974390

>Over the course of the campaign, enemy starts introducing more and more advanced tech (read: me trying to kill them), which the party keeps demolishing
>Cloaked units and attack choppers during a train chase? No trouble whatsoever
>Self-assembling spare arms to negate limb damage? They end up tearing them off.
>Finally bring out the big guns

>A giant floating eye-orb, with magnetic shielding
>It stares at one player, flashes a red light, and their self-destruct countdown is initiated
>table gets incredibly serious
>Everyone's taking cover from the thing, fighting off its support mechs while totally pinned down
>They try every single gun they have against the shields and fail, get shot and hacked for their efforts
>Nikolai plants himself in cover and spends battle valiantly trying to hack into the thing, while overriding self-destruct commands from it
>Eventually manages to get the shield down for just a moment, whereupon Stringer grapples up to it, shoves his sniper rifle in the eye, and empties the clip
>this shit, while excellent, has gone on long enough

>At the next session, announce Ruby will be returning to play once more
>Everyone's very excited, as tales are still told of her rockets-to-the-face badassery
>Mission has them venturing into the jungle to investigate a distress signal from her mech
>Find it covered in vines and crumpled against a cliffside, cockpit closed
>Texting her throughout, saying she'll be here any minute
>Team surrounds the mech, putting their backs to it to keep an eye out for enemies
>Snake hops out and crowbars the cockpit open
>There's a nuke inside with 10 seconds on the countdown timer
>9...8...7...
>Everyone fucking bolts, Snake barely manages to get into his mech and close the cockpit before it goes off
>All his armor is slagged off, he's nearly dead
>Massive swarm of micro-Krieghunds with radiation-fed regenerative plastic armor dig up from underground
>They still won, barely. I was so proud of them.

>>22974655

That's about all of it, sadly. After that mission, scheduling conflicts/finals/transportation issues got in the way, and there was a token sendoff game to cap things off. Still, it was the best game I've ever run.

>>22974723
You are a disgusting man, but I still love you.
>general gains 1 HP

>>22975282

Disgusting because of the shirt thing, or the shit he does to his players? Because telling someone they're going to see one of their old friends and then setting a bomb off in their face sounds worse. I mean what the fuck man.

this is a good thread.

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One of my favorites
>1/3

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>2/3

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>>22977806
Fucking flood detection.
3/3

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>>22977788
>>22977806
>>22977889
All of the feels.

Can't think of any more stories from Lahk's adventure. Might post some from the perspectives of other characters. My mechanist character, Issac Abraham Donnelly IV doesn't have many stories to tell. Except for the stupid duck. Fuck it.

>be mechanist
>be living in village of gnomes
>only person that isn't a fucking gnome for miles
>be making revolver for a monarch in Rubilion
>finish gun
>proceed to bask in my creation
>suddenly one of my three pet ducks, Oswald grabs the only blueprint I made for the gun
>"Oswald, no, stop it!"
>quacks his faggot duck ass towards the fireplace
>oh shit nigger, what are you doing
>with a cock eyed quack he drops the blueprint in the fireplace
Dammit Oswald.

Pic related, Isaac Abraham Donnelly IV and his pixie companion, Phoebe.

I have a somewhat.... less epic greentext tale for you gents.

>Party consists of myself as the rogue, a paladin, wizard, knight, and duskblade.
>Go towards woods in search of local noble's lost child.
>See kid through a fissure in the ground, lying unconscious in some kinda hallway
>Find entrance to underground structure, built by duergar.
>Me: Better watch out, there's likely to be traps."
>Paladin: "But that child's in danger now! We need action!"
>Everyone else: "Ok, but I'm not going first..."
>Me: "Goddammit. I just need a moment to check for traps, can't we just-"
>Everyone: "Just hurry!"
>Me: "Fine, I'll just go ahea-"
>Portcullis drops on my head, knocking me out instantly.
>Paladin: "Well damn, he's the only one who can open this portcullis..."
>They spend the better part of a day busting the portcullis apart.
>They decide to go further into the dungeon to rescue the kid, and leave me in the entrance unconscious.
>They get jumped by a choker
>Only the paladin and knight don't get knocked out, but can't pull the rest of us out of the hole we're in.
>They tried to use ropes to hoist me out of the hole, but they did something closer to hogtying me.
>Go back to town for help, spend all of our money on healing from the temple.
>Bring sheriff back to help pull us out, he says it looks like I had tried to rob them.
>Finally we all make it back to town and get healed, but now we're all broke.
>Great success!

>>22968747
>Crit on 9

What kind of a honky ass game of D&D are you playing?

>>22969361
It's not, but I'm going to fucking do that from now on.

And beat my DM over the head with a real guitar if he objects.

>Playing 3.5
>First campaign ever
>Our party manages to cut into a hydra
>Literally, our Knight accidentally walked into the hydra's abdominal cavity
>Joke that I'm going to eat the Hydra's heart to gain it's courage
>(GM)"Roll to eat it's heart"
>Nat 1
>(GM)"You eat it's liver instead"
>Oh
>(GM)"Instead of gaining its courage, you gain a hydra's resistance to poison for 7 days, and a hydra's alcohol tolerance permanently."

>>22969985

>lasso bats, make flying machine

Holy shit, yes.

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>>22970107
Holy shit.

Were you this?

>>22970452
You know, I want to make a superhero game that revolves entirely around one-liners.

Here's one from last week

>Be Dwarf Cleric of Hextor, dislike the rest of the party in actuality
>Party consists of Doppelganger Ranger who heavily roleplays the "Chaotic" part of Chaotic Evil
>Orc Fighter who is dumb as nails and keeps getting into trouble wherever we go
>And finally the Tiefling Rogue who I assume is bipolar

>Be on quest to steal some wine from Goblins
>Kill all the Goblins to get wine
>Rogue takes wine bottles
>I take all others
>One a poison known as "Gutflusher."
>Return to Dwarf who hired us
>Poorfag who barely has enough to pay
>I think the party killed him after I left

>Later
>Explore city
>Come across potion shop
>Owner talks about an Orc that tried robbing him
>OhfuckIlefttheorcaloneagain
>Go to jail
>Sure enough it's our Orc
>Asks me to break him out
>"I guess..."
>Pull out goblet and cast make beer on it, then add some of the Gutfluser
>Offer to guard
>Dwarf guard drinks all
>Fucking RUNS out
>Orc and I escape
>Hear him shitting and crying in bushes
>Meet up with party and head to the capital...

>>22981704
>On our way to capital
>Find a tavern after a few days
>"WHO THINKS THEY CAN DRINK THIS DWARF UNDER?"
>Out drink a gnome and a dwarf but lose to Doppelganger party member
>Whatever.png
>Rest of the party gambling
>Hear Orc bet my penis
>...wat?
>Order a round for the table, add Gutflusher
>Drinks get to table, say they're from a shifty looking dude in the corner
>They don't drink, chase down dead beats who couldn't pay
>Orc confronts dude about drinks
>DM allows me to roll 1d4 tavern hoes
>There is one, an elf
>Buy her a drink
>Buy a room
>About to sex
>Roleplaying drunk guy
>"Alright anon, make a spot check."
>O-okay...
>"You see a penis."
>OHFUCK!
>I knock the elf unconscious
>Jump out window
>"GUYS! RUN! ONE OF YOU GET THE ORC FIRST!"
>So we haul ass to the cart and I pass out
>Wake up next morning
>Turns out they killed the dudes and no one got Orc
>Assume Orc is dead
>Arrive at capital...

>be warlock
>party are harassing supply lines of invading army
>identify one supply wagon that should be easy to take
>stage an ambush
>no time to block road properly, go for it anyway
>fight ensues
>going well, then dumbass cleric catches cart horse in an AOE spell
>horse bolts, wagon driver hangs on and urges it to go faster
>fuck
>my turn
>jump the fuck down from the standing stone I'd been using as a sniping platform
>hit the sprinting horse with an immobilizing spell
>wagon keeps going
>horse killed in impact, driver flung forward and reduced to 20 foot long red smear
>win fight, push now-shitty wagon full of supplies to village they were stolen from
>local widow thanks us for returning (what was left of) her wagon
>asks what happened to her horse

At this point I quietly excused myself from the tavern.

>>22981824
>In capital now
>Decide to go meet the dude we were told to meet
>Go there
>Start talking, discussing the main plot point of the campaign so far
> Doppelganger licks my face out of fucking nowhere
>Thefuckiswrongwithyou?
>"Don't you hear the voices, anon?"
> Immediately hear voices
>Tell me to kill Doppelganger
>Nah
>Tell the voice to fuck off
>Ask dude about it
>Intelligent weapon
>Kinda the manifestation of Chaos, whatever there are others out there
>Hear knock at door
>Oh shit, Orc's not dead
>Turns out he thought he ditched us and walked around the mountain with a Black Dragon
>The dragon is now his shoulder piece
>Also hears voices
>Wants weapon
>Attempts to kill dude for it
>DM: "Are you sure you want to do that?"
>"I don't see why not."
>Almost fucking dies
>Anyway just boring talking now

>A couple ingame days go by, party ditched me to go murder gnomes in the woods
>We meet backup
>"Let's go to the sewer, I wanna kill more shit."
>Nope, I know exactly what the DM will throw at us
>Go to arena instead
>Level up
>I'm out of shit to do, guess I'll go to the sewer
>Meet up with the party almost right away
>Standing over a dead Homunculus
>"Oh hey, it's you."
>Get filled in, DM threw exactly what I thought at them
>Go further into the sewer
>"Listen check"
>Hear chattering
>"Hey Rogue, go check that out?"
>Comes back
>"There are literally like 50 Homunculi up ahead."
>Orc: "We can take them!"
>"No anon, but maybe you can run past them?"
>Everyone gets in position to run past them
>3, 2, 1, GO!
>Nope, I run back the other way, not fucking dying like this
>A second later the party's chasing me, but they're being chased by all of them
>Duck down a passage and go up latter
>Wait a minute
>Look down manhole
>Like 3 of them right below me
>Ohey, more gutflusher
>Throw whole bottle
>All die
>Start sneaking
>Use Summon Monster to distract like 5
>Enter room
>Orc and Rogue fighting like 15
>"Several" on lookout
>One bottle left
>DM concludes session

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So, this is a story from my first D&D campaign ever. Naturally, we're running Tomb of Horrors.

>Playing as pic related. Byron the Berzerker, modified for play: has cleave, great cleave, dual weilding his two great axes, Bayne and Brain (Brain is a sentient Axe that has a higher intelligence than Byron does) multiclassing as Barbarian, Fighter, Ranger
>Enter the dungeon after some hi-jinks
>DM's 'halfling' (See, Kinder) Rogue finds a hidden door really close to the entrance
>party decides to rape pillage everything it can get into
>Long hallway...heavy door at the end of the hallway..
>Party is arguing in game and ooc to figure out who's going to be the one to open the door
>Byron, being the simple, lovable guy who is going through a Martyr phase atm, says fuck it, swings the door open, readies his twin axes....
and fucking dies.
>DM caveat, we all wake up from a really horrifying dream.
>Roll forward in time
>After Byron nearly kills the wizard due to Brain-in-a-Jar mind control, the party investigates a dun-dun-nuh-nuuuh SECRET TUNNEL, we pass through that into a chamber with one door, rogue opens it, we go through..
>2nd, same deal..
>3rd door, same deal..
>Byron can't help feeling dread, waves and waves of dread that gets worse the farther he goes
>Rogue fails on a door,
>Byron flips his shit, attacks the door
>Nat 20
>Door flies off the hinges into the next door
>Nat 20
>door flies off the hinges, into the last chamber
> ....
Battle Royale with full party, (Addition of a Paladin and a Fighter Merc), ending with the Cleric casting a ..(really powerful light?) spell on the gargoyles eyes that blinds him, easy picking after that.
>Kinder gets the last hit "I killed it, I killed it!! I get the LEEWT!!"
>jewel encrusted collar
Party gets up in nuts about it
>Kinder takes out a knife and gets to popping out the jewels one by one.. "I was only joking guys, I tots would have split the cash on it."
Fucking Kinder

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So, If anyone's interested, there are a couple different stories I could tell.
1. How the Wizard Obliterated the party, the dungeon, and everything.
2. Why after we all died the Wizard was bottom bitch to a Nalfeshnee
3. How we managed to FIRE-DEATH in lava and survive.

>>22983375
Tell all three in order.