[X] [eat with proper etiquette and decorum]
[X] [imbibe liquor]

Time for Classy hobo, if we gorge ourselves like a dipshit with this much food not only will we get sick, there wont be enough left to start a food fight.

>>22033489
[X] [eat with proper etiquette and decorum]

We need to keep Zuli on her toes. She's going to be expecting us to stuff our face. We're going to chow down though, just at a fast, but proper way.

>>22033489
>[ ] [eat with proper etiquette and decorum]

release the swag, ROMANTIC DINNER HO!!!!!!!!

captcha: Lord ngubuth

Rolled 1

>>22033489

i also vote for eating with proper etiquette and decorum, despite the two nat 1's in the previous thread which will result in our getting vored by all the food...

>>22033841

consider it a gift dearest Hobo King

>>22033841
We're going to somehow get killed by a napkin aren't we?

>>22033841

And now we're going to be eaten in a fancy pants way.

Rolled 10

>>22033841
You're even better at this then I am.

Rolled 13

>>22033489
>[ ] [eat with proper etiquette and decorum]
>[ ] [imbibe liquor]

Decorum, would you mind passing the salt?

>>22033841
>>22033846
Well, it IS the season of giving.

Zuli lets you up from the floor, and you walk back around to your seat as the small army of waitresses lays out your food on the table. And on several foldout tables they brought with them. You ordered a LOT of food.

"We....we hope you....enjoy your meal, sir...." The main waitress pants a little from the effort of getting the food up the stairs, before she takes off to attend to other duties.

"Well ladies, we've got our food, our drink, and SHITLOADS of merry. Let's dig in, shall we?" You make a move towards the food. Zuli's hands instinctively come up in grasping positions.

"Lincoln, I SWEAR, if you just shovel----" She stops dead mid-sentence.

"What? What's wrong?" You ask innocently, daintily transferring one of the Mushrooms Veronique from your fork to your mouth, chewing it slowly. With your mouth CLOSED, even. You dab at your mouth with a napkin.

".....I....I don't.....you........what?"

You smile at the confused red oni. "Dear Zuli! I think you're probably just hungry. Come, partake of this delicious bounty! It's on the house, after all."

"What's 'on the house' even mean?" She asks suspiciously, narrowing her glare at you.

"Free."

".......alright, that's good enough for me." She begins piling things onto her plate, though still shooting suspicious glances at you.

But as long as she can't prove you're not up to something, she can't punch you. BRILLIANT.

Ah yes, almost forgot previous threads link.

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?tags=HoboQuest

>>22034028
As soon as she's distracted just start shoveling in the food.

Rolled 11

>>22034101
Only while she remains distracted, of course.

I HAVEN'T WANDERED OFF.

I'M JUST HAVING SO MUCH FUN DRINKING AND TYPING THESE NEXT POSTS.

THESE DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS NEXT POSTS.

>>22034852

Are you eating expensive cuisine?
YOU NEED TO BE EATING EXPENSIVE CUISINE!

>>22034942
Haha, fuck no, I can't afford expensive shit like that. Wait, what counts as "expensive"? Like, "new york strip steak" expensive or "hot pocket" expensive?

Rolled 4

>>22035019
When all you eat is cup ramen, a steak and chips becomes a feast.

>>22035019

well, i thought that since you drink when Lincoln drinks, you would eat when Lincoln eats...

>>22035061
DRINKING DOES TOO COUNT AS EATING

Perhaps pretending to have manners isn't so bad. Especially if it'll let you get away with EVEN MORE BULLSHIT when people are off their guard.

Unfortunately, you discover a fatal flaw in your plan. The flaw being that you are completely unprepared when the food you are stabbing pulls back on the fork.

"GAH---WHAT THE--_MMMRRRGGGLLLPHH!!!" You attempt to scream as you lose your balance and faceplant the table, only for your voice to be muffled as parts of the banquet force themselves into your mouth. The heavenly spread quickly turns hellish as it comes at you from all directions, sloshing, sizzling, squishing, flopping, rolling; all of it heading for you and your delectable body. For you count as food too, yes?

You struggle to escape, but the tablecloth ensnares your limbs, wrapping you in a series of intricate knots, securing you to the table. And then the monstrous food army goes to work; squishing against your body as they flow over you like a swarm of insects. Your clothes are shredded by the bones within the meats, the fabric being added to the tablecloth, building on it's already existing pattern. The food goes for your delicates, squishing and rolling against your erect dickthulu until you can take it no more. You fire your spooge into their culinary embrace, coloring their sauces with one more flavor even as they flow over you, alternately burning and soothing.

It's all too much, too much for you to take in. You groan as the food continues its assault, letting the sick, force-fed pleasure overtake you even as you feel yourself begin to fade away. You're losing yourself, slowing melting into the hodgepodge of edible attackers. You are becoming one with the food itself.

The girls stare at the now-still dinner table, utterly in shock at the sight they have just witnessed. Finally, Zuli breaks the silence.

"Well, I'm still gonna eat that. What about the rest of you?"

"Yep."

"Mmmhmm."

"Indeed."

"No point lettin' good food go to washte."

>>22035370

and the Lincoln became the harem...

>>22035370

well at least we can say we were INSIDE beautiful women at the same time.

god that pun was terrible

>>22035441

not as terrible as the generals finances.
bu-dum-sish

>>22034028

does team fluffy know how to use the utensils?
we can be gentlemanly and "help" them.
maybe some EXTRA HELP with their leader.
for good measure.

You continue your dainty act, attempting to act as posh as can be as the group of you dig into the massive meal.

"Boy, this meal is certainly good, isn't it ZuliOHMYGOD!" You shriek, completely losing your cool.

"Hmmmmmm? What's wrong?" Zuli gurgles, now looking like a beached whale. Rolls upon rolls of jiggly fat have replaced her formerly gorgeous body.

"YOU....YOU......YOU'RE FAAAAAAT!" You wail, lamenting the loss of your delcious red oni.

XL Zuli snorts, digging a chicken wing out of her fat folds. "Don't be silly, I look the exact same as I always have. Isn't that right girls?"

"Yesh!"

"Absolutely."

You turn in horror at the spittle-filled voices from behind you. The other girls have suffered the same fate. The foxgirls' tails barely poke out as they are crushed beneath the blubbery asses on top of them. And Moira looks almost comical, her wings looking stubby as they flap uselessly from their embedded position in her rolls.

"OH GOD, EVERYONE'S FAT!" You scream, jumping up from the table and backing away in horror.

"Lincoln, calm do--whoops!" Zuli, struggling to get up from the table, accidentally trips. This results in a chain reaction amongst the girls, all of them tipping over and....

...and.....

OH GOD, THEY'RE ROLLING TOWARDS YOU!

You scream obscenities as you dash down the stairs, hearing the wide loaded girls right behind you. But upon reaching the bottom, you find yourself trapped! A veritable wall of flesh blocks your path, the downstairs patrons having gained your weight they nearly fill the restaurant from top to bottom, squished against each other like a horrible car wreck. Of obesity.

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" You scream, as the girls rumble down the stairs and you are crushed to death against the wall by their endless blubber.

>If I only ever punished you with vore
>You'd get used to it, and that's not amusing at all
>VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE, BITCHES
>THE FAT PRINCESS PROPHECY IS FULFILLED

>>22035525
H-holy shit, this is what 1's spawn? Oh god this mental image is scary, since I'm picturing DA QUALITY.

>>22035532
so, two down and one to go...

Rolled 16

>>22035525
wat.

>>22035532
One of them is a princess? Score!

>>22035586

no princesses, it was a refference to the game 'Fat Princess' a rather comical take on CTF in my opinion...

>>22035586
>>22035601
I suppose we can call Zuli a princess. The Princess of Ass-Kicking.

>>22035577
>>22035586
>>22035579

AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAHAAAAA

>>22035617

didn't someone threaten to keep you alcohol free for the remainder of you life if you done that?
hopefully it was naught but an idle threat...

File: 1355470035500.gif-(24 KB, 210x200, HUEHUEHUE.gif)

>>22035636
YOUR THREATS MEAN NOTHING IN THE FACE OF HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE

You try to keep up your faux manners, but soon the allure of the food becomes too much for you.

You must FEED.

You begin shoveling massive handfuls of food into your mouth, ripping and tearing at the assembled dishes as you shovel it all down without pause.

The girls give you incredulous looks of disgust, but you pay no mind. The hunger is all consuming, insatiable. You must have more. MORE, DAMMIT.

Zuli yells something at you through the cacophonous noise of your eating, but you can hear nothing. You are no longer shoveling food in, the assembled platters being pulled in by the sheer force of your hunger.

The girls shriek as they, the table, and pieces of the balcony are pulled into your gaping maw and devoured. It doesn't stop there. The restaurant, the block, the city, the country.....all are pulled into the greedy abyss that is your maw.

The sun is extinguished as it and the rest of the solar system are consumed. Whole stars systems are hurtled into the whirling vortex that your gaping mouth as become.

And then Lincoln was a black hole.

.......

..........."GO ON A DIET, FATASS!" You the General scream from the depths.

Rolled 3

>>22035756
This is canon. Continue the story from this.

>>22035756

this is my favorite of the three nat 1 scenes. after this symphony of HUE, i am finding myself eagerly awaiting the actual continuation...

>>22035776
BLACKHOLEQUEST. THE STORY OF AN EXTREMELY FAT HOBO ON A MISSION TO STUFF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE DOWN HIS BLUBBERY JOWLS.

>>22035813
But if we become a black hole, we can't taste anything! Because all the food would stretch infinitely from the edge of the black hole down into its theoretical center!

Also, just because I got bored, a rundown of what we ordered
Oysters Arnaud- Baked oysters covered in a baked sauce
Roast Louisiana Quail Elzey - Quail stuffed with Foie Gras (Goose Liver), Mushrooms and shallots, wrapped in bacon
Pontchantrain - Fillet of something covered in crabmeat
Filet Mignon au Poivre - really fancy steak in a cognac sauce
Pommes Souffle - Really fancy french fries
Sauteed Baby Vegetables - self explanatory
Smothered Okra - Okra stewed with tomatoes, ham, and spicy stuff
Thamyris - Gin, artichoke liquer, Ginger liquer, elderflower liquer
French 75 - Champagne, gin, lemon juice, sugar.
Banana's foster - Bananas cooked in butter, brown sugar, and cinnamon, then rum and banana liquer is added and ignited. Served over ice cream
Crab Claws - Crab cooked in butter, garlic, and absinthe
Smoked Pompano Bourgeoisie - Smoked fish with sour cream, capers, and onions
Mushrooms Veronique - Mushrooms stuffed with grapes, sealed with a pepper cheese and covered in parmesean, baked
Crawfish O'Conner - Crawfish baked in brandy infused tomato sauce
Gator Sausage - exactly what it says on the tin, expect to be a bit fishy. No really, gator tastes like fish
Pecan pie
Praline crepes - very thin pancakes with a nut cream, pecans, and caramel sauce
Strawberries Arnaud - strawberries soaked in alcohol over ice cream
Chocolate devastation - Chocolate cake with espresso
Caramel custard
Bread pudding Fitzmori - Bread pudding with alcohol soaked raisins and an alcohol sauce
Glaces - French vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, pistachio, praline and peppermint
Crème Brûlée - Custard with the top caramelized
Cafe Brulot - Coffee with orange liquor in it, set on fire with brandy
SO MUCH ALCOHOL. Must go to New Orleans.

>>22036158

and it will all be the generals treat, unless we are actually going to eat and run... using the generals money is one thing, stealing a vast quantity of food is another... at least with the general, we can move to riftia instead of meeting him...

>>22036158
TO be fair, this is a REALLY nice restaurant, I believe. Though yes, the food in New Orleans is delicious and so is the drink. You should definitely visit.

>>22036209
I mean, ffs. All those flambéed foods. I think I would get Half shell oysters, sautéed wild mushrooms, and Filet Mignon au Poivre.

You keep up the dainty eating facade as Zuli keeps shooting you glares out of the corner of her eyes. But the siren song of the deliciousness is strong. I mean.....FUCK, this shit is good. Why don't they ever throw any of this in the back dumpster? Jerks.

But yeah, you want to eat faster. And you have the perfect plan in mind.

"HEYZULILOOKOVERTHERE!"

As Zuli's head turns towards where you point, you quickly shovel as much food into your mouth as you possibly can before she turns her head back. But when you go to resume your innocent facial expression, you find yourself facing Zuli's own facial expression. It is condemning.

"Lincoln?"

"Mrrrfh?"

"There was nothing there. And your mouth appears to have expanded to about twice its size. What are you doing there?"

"Nrrrrfnnng."

".........."

".......*swallow*"

"Lincoln?"

"Yes, my darling sweet oni who hopefully isn't going to clobber me?"

"Not gonna work this time, buddy."

"Drat."

Your witter banter comes to an end as she repeatedly smashes your face into your plate of food.

"EAT ALL YOU WANT, YOU SMARTASS!"

"BLGGGHBFFGBBBLLFFGNNM!!"

>>22036603

IT IS A GOOD PAIN! A DELICIOUS PAIN!!!
also, we should ask zuli if she is a sadist... she certainly seems to be...

-5 MINUTES LATER-

You pick the last of the pecans out of your hair as Zuli continues to eat her dinner in a huff. Oh well. At least she refrained from hitting you with anything particularly hot. LIKE HER ASS okay she's glaring again let's look somewhere else for now.

Your gaze halts on Moira, who looks like she's waited out a good portion of the alcohol. She's sitting there timidly at her seat. Her plate looks like it was only filled with the smallest of portions; she's already wiped it clean.

"What's wrong, Moira?" You inquire, leaning over. She starts a bit a your presence.

"A-Ah, Lincoln. It....Itsh nothing." She still has a slight slur, but the shyness is definitely reasserting herself.

Also, that is the LEAST reassuring thing you can ever say to another living creature.

>What do?

[ ] [push her for answers]

[ ] [ask other girls for advice]

[ ] [call ambulance; BATGIRL NEEDS INJECTIONS]

[ ] [imbibe liquor]

[ ] [make Moira imbibe liquor]

[ ] [other]

Rolled 18

>>22036648
[ ] [ask other girls for advice]
Foxgirls Halp! I have a shy batgirl and I don't know what to dooooo?!

Rolled 7

>>22036648
[ ] [Hey.]
[ ] [Hey Moira.]
[ ] [Hey.]
[ ] [What's wrong, Moira?]
[ ] [Hey.]
[ ] [What's wrong?]
[ ] [What's wrong, Moira?]
[ ] [Hey Moira.]
[ ] [Hey.]

>>22036668

"if it was nothing then you wouldn't look like something's up... BOOZE WILL MAKE IS ALL BETTER!!!"

if that fails, just keep poking her till she talks...

Rolled 6

>>22036694

damn it, forgot to roll again

>>22036648
Moira. Cmon
Moira. Cmon
Moira. Cmon.

Rolled 16

>>22036648
Prehaps moira is a vampire bat and needs blood?
or perhaps its some other ailment either way we must help her for its our sworn duty as keeper of the harem.
[ ]push for answers
[ ]imbibe liquor

Please don't let this be a case of a foreign species coming into a strange new environment and catching a seemingly harmless disease for which no immunity is present with fatal results, cause that thought is causing me panic. (as much sense as it would make with all the changes disease has gone through in say the past decade)

or maybe I shouldn't be watching "contagion" and jumping to the worst possible conclusion.

"Moira." Poke.

"Moira." Poke.

"Mooooiiirraaaaa." Pokepokepoke.

-2 MINUTES LATER-

The batgirl gives out a sigh of defeat seven hundred and fifty six pokes later.

"W....what." She forces herself to address your concerned visage.

"What's wrong, Moira? You're acting funny."

The werebat shakes her head. "I-It's not something I could ask you for help with. You've already given me all this wonderful food---"

"HOLD ON THERE MISSY. You can ask me for help with ANYTHING. Whether I'll actually BE help, I dunno. But you can at least ask."

Moira fidgets with her wingtips as she stares down at her lap for a few moments, before she mutters something under her breath.

"What was that?" You lean down closer to her, cupping your ear.

".......blood."

"FOR THE BLOOD GOD!" You roar out, springing upright and causing the entire table to jerk their gaze to you in surprise.

"W-W-What?" Moira stutters, apparently unnerved by your outburst.

"Errr, nothing. Continue, please."

Moira sighs before opening her mouth again. "Blood. I n-need to drink blood to restore m-my.....m-m-my energy reserves. I can eat other food, but....." She looks aside, her cheeks tinging red with embarrassment. ".....I have to get my vitamins and mineral from blood. It's much easier that way."

"Hmmmmmmmmm......" You ponder out loud as you stroke your chin. That IS quite the predicament?

>What do?

[ ] [offer her a bite.....literally]

[ ] [volunteer someone else for spare blood donation]

[ ] [find a hospital, rob blood donation packs]

[ ] [imbibe liquor]

[ ] [other]

Rolled 7

>>22036870
[ ] [find a hospital, rob blood donation packs]

While the other options are more sensible, this sounds like more fun.

Also we can show off our master lockpick techniques to the Foxgirls. I'm sure they'll appreciate it.

>>22036870
>[ ] WHY YES FEAST ON MY JUGULAR YOUNG LADY

As a side effect she also passes out as MC's BAC is probably .2 or higher

Rolled 14

>>22036870
[ ] [MY VEINS ARE ALWAYS OPEN TO YOU]

We should totally pull an Integra Hellsing on her.

>>22036870
We've ordered enough protein to not suffer MANY negative side effects of giving blood. But we'd have to stop drinking for a while.

>>22036870
>[ ] [offer her a bite.....literally]
I want to see her get drunk purely because of our ludicrously high BAC.

>>22036870

[x] [find a hospital, rob blood donation packs]

didn't licoln's X-GF works there now?
she dumped him after she got her job a few months ago right?

>>22037039
Lincoln doesnt think that far ahead. ITS TIME TO MAKE A BLOOD DONATION!

>>22037039
>implying we would ever settle for a human who had a job.

Rolled 5

>>22036894

there is no possible down side to this. tell them to wait out back, we must NEVER give away the secrets of the MASTER LOCKPICK...

Hmm.
What is the least sensible thing we could do in this situation?
>[ ] [other]
>[ ] [grab Zuli's tits, and then when she beats us up, offer some blood to Moira]

>>22037358

is there any other way?

>>22036870
[X] [offer her a bite.....literally]

Considering how many times we've suffered blunt force trauma, I'd say this body can take a little blood loss. Unless she goes full on Nosferatu us we'll be fine.

Ahahaha, oh man, did I pass out again? Haven't done THAT for a few threads. Well, at least I got the whole "sleep" thing out of the way for now.

Looks like offering her a bite is the clear leader. Now....how to do this......

>>22039502
the hobo way, naturally

Rolled 17

>>22039502

the only way we know how.
[imbibe liquor]
[HONK]

Rolled 6

>>22039502
[imbibe liquor]
[honk it]
[bleed]

>>22036870
[ ] [imbibe liquor]

[ ] [offer her a bite.....literally]

[ ] [find a hospital, rob blood donation packs]

Let's see if we can get our blood-alcohol level up high enough to affect Moira for laughs. Then plan to rob a hospital later, or maybe just ask the general to get the medic tent to supply us for on the road food. I imagine the normal army would prefer blood pack donations over Moira feeding on people so we can probably blackmail them.

Well, SHE'S a delicious batgirl, and YOU have blood, so......

Yeah, you don't get why she's thinking so hard about this. Time to fix that.

"Well, how about me? I've got lots of sweet delicious blood. It even comes mixed with complimentary alcohol! ......LOTS of complimentary alcohol."

Moira's face goes absolutely crimson, and she scoots down the booth in a panic. "Ohnononononononono! I-I-I couldn't! Itsh.....itsh n-not right to ask you f-f-for shuch stuff! Itsh horrible and rude and----"

"SHUT UP AND BITE ME, MOIRA." You thunder at the protesting batgirl, tilting your head to the side and jerking your exposed neck towards her.

"A-A-Ahhh.....b-b-but...."

"Just drink the damn blood, Moira, it's not gonna kill me. Unless you decide to go full Nosferatu on me. Which....would kinda suck."

"W-W-W-What'sh a--"

"DRINK THE DAMN BLOOD, YA FLIGHTY BROAD!"

"B-b-but---"

"Oh for the love of----ZULI!" You turn to the oni girl, who has been purposefully ignoring you for the last few minutes.

"What is it no---" She is cut off mid-sentence by your surprise assault. Which consists of double-fisting her boobs. And burying your face in them. Like a boss.

"HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON--"

CRUNCH

>>22040357
That doesn't sound good.

>>22040357
It strikes me that we could have just ordered ultra rare steak

But seriously, fuck anyone with even the most remote amount of common sense in this quest

>>22040460
THAT'S THE SPIRIT!

"See? Blood! Now drink it." You motion Moira to the trickle of blood running down your forehead from where Zuli smashed a plate over it. Her realizing what you were up to was the only reason she didn't smash the whole table over you instead. Though you did feel your head getting a little.....compressed.....when she first manhandled you out of her cleavage. Quite the grip strength that woman has. Probably fine though; not like you haven't had worse head injuries.

"A-A-Ahhhh....b-b-blood...." Moira looks hypnotized at the sight, but still doesn't make a move. Rolling your eyes, you swipe at the blood trail with a finger, which you then pop into her mouth.

"Mmmnnphh!!?" Moira muffled yells around your finger, only for her eyes to lid slightly as the blood hits her taste buds.

"Mnnnmmn....."

.....Oh, sweet jesus, there's a batgirl sucking blood off your finger. THIS IS THE BEST FRINGE BENEFIT TO GETTING INJURED EVER.

"Now that you've had a taste...." You grin, motioning to your neckline, which you lower next to her face. "....ya should try the main course."

Moira gulps, eyes glued to your neck. Slowly, she moves her head your neck, mouth hesitantly opening. A thin string of saliva clings to the tip of one of her fangs as she lowers them to your jugular.

You wince as with a quick bite, the fangs pierce your skin. Her eyes dart to your face in a slight panic, but she doesn't withdrawl. It's not so bad, really; was just like getting a shot, though a bit bigger. You smile down at her and give her a pat on the head.

Looking slightly reassured, Moira focuses back on her meal and begins to suck at the two bleeding fang marks. It's a slow, sort of slurping feel, as if she was drinking a very thick soup, as she pulls the blood from your neck.

You shudder slightly as you feel her tongue swirl around the wounds, licking at the blood and spreading it around her palette as if she were a connoisseur. It's actually all bit pleasant.

...you are totally adding bloodplay to the list of things you want to do with the batgirl now.

"S-sir, how ar---EEEEP!" The waitress shrieks as she lays her eyes on what no doubt looks like, to her, some sort of vampire/hardcore cosplay/blood fetish party of some sort. The trickles of blood running down your face and neck probably don't help.

Realizing the direness of the situation, you of course take the most appropriate action to ensure proper explanation.

"You're welcome to join us, if you'd like"

"M-M-MANAAAAAGEEEEER!" The waitress screams as she runs down the stairs.

......Fuck.

>What do?

[ ] [wait for manager, talk way out of situation]

[ ] [bug out, grab as much food as possible, drunken hobo picnic in the streets]

[ ] [list restaurant on fire in super serious totally reasonable reaction to situation]

[ ] [chug as much wine as possible before manager gets here]

[ ] [attempt to start orgy]

[ ] [other]

>>22040918
>[ ] [bug out, grab as much food as possible, drunken hobo picnic in the streets]
oh god
everything has gone what

>>22040918
[X] [bug out, grab as much food as possible, drunken hobo picnic in the streets]

Jumping from the second story won't kill us,

Rolled 1

>>22040918

Bug out, though a fire will probably happen regardless of intent...if the table has a cover we could just use that to make a 'swag bag' from...

>>22041069
Looks like it's the life of a pyromaniac for us.

>>22041084

Shhh, wait for him to make fire vote before he realises it was a d1...

>>22040918
[x] [Imbibe liquor]
[x] [bug out, grab as much food as possible, drunken hobo picnic in the streets]
[x] [Imbibe liquor]
[x] [attempt to start orgy]
[x] [Imbibe liquor]

in that order

>>22041084

Fire vore = sentien fire
Sentient fire -> the act of burning = the act of eating
The act of eating --(vore)--> Sexual act
The fire spreads = The fire burns everything = the fire consumes everything = the fire initates a sexual act with everything

Therefore:

> Fire vore = [x] [attempt to start orgy]

>>22041180

wat

>>22041342
It's pretty solid logic, I can get behind it.

>>22041178
WE ARE LINCOLN BISMUTH, WE DO NOT FLEE FOR ANYTHING. Moira just has special needs, you need to be more understanding. And the fact that you aren't accommodating her means FUCK YOU.

Sorry for the delay guys, I've had to go running around, paying bills, getting a few things in order. Not exactly my favorite activities, but necessary. It'll be a little while longer, at the most.

Trust me, I am incredibly eager to get back to posting. Ohohoho. Yessss, I believe we've had enough boring exposition. It is time to get back to basics. Basics being MADCAP HILARITY.

>>22042339
We are not burning down the booze filled tasty place. We are going to keep eating like nothing is happening. Anyone asks questions, look at THEM like they're the crazy ones. Make them question their own reality. And eat some protein, need to replace that blood.

File: 1355518748710.png-(89 KB, 332x669, FlamePrincess.png)

>>22041069
We're getting vored by fire and I'm completely fine with this.

>>22042361
That need for protein is the reason we're escaping with our new tablecloth sack of food.

>>22042412
Damn it, the sauces will get mixed up. And I do not want Foie gras on the filet mignon.

>>22042424
Such is the life of a Drunken madman. Mixing the sauce is par for the course.

>>22042445
YOU CAN'T JUST MIX A COGNAC SAUCE WITH A CHEESE SAUCE.

Rolled 17

>>22040918
Eh why not talk way out of situation by acting like nothing what so ever is wrong. Manager comes up and you ignore the fuck out of them. If they start getting annoyed mention that you'll add a sizeable gratuity to the bill for such excellent and unobtrusive service.

Woooo, boy. THAT shit's finally over. Now I can finally get back to writefaggotry.

Oh, and fire vore? I came up with something interesting for it that I think might be a better use of it. Lincoln might run into it. Eventually. Heheheheheh.

Rolled 4

>>22044954
Fire elemental vore?

>>22045179
Wait and seeeeeee

You realize the jig is most likely up. Oh well, was delicious while it lasted.

"YEP TIME TO GO." You interrupt Moira's meal with a rap on the head.

"Fwaaaaah?" She looks up at you with a dazed look, eyes slightly unfocused, face flushed red----

----Wait. Did she just get DRUNK off your BLOOD?

......THAT'S AWESOME.

"I TOLD YA'LL MOTHAFUCKAS ALCOHOLISM RUNS IN MY VEINS!" You roar, pumping a fist into the air.

"Lincoln, we are about to be in serious trouble. DO SOMETHING, YOU MORON!" Zuli rages, teeth snapping in an angry snarl.

You proceed to cut your losses. By which you mean you attempt to not cut your losses at all.

"Chill the fuck out, I got this." You then proceed to cut your losses. By which you mean you attempt to not cut your losses at all.

You grab the ends of the tablecloth, jerking them up into a bundle; food, plates, silverware, decorative accessories all clatter and crash and smoosh against one another as you wrap them up, shoveling in the food from the portable tables into the monstrous mess. You knot the bundle at the top and heave the monstrous food load over your shoulder.

Pausing for a moment, you look at Moira, who is swaying heavily on her seat. Shrugging, you throw her over the other shoulder, because it's not like she's gonna be able to run away.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!" A heavyset man, who you assume to be the manager, yells up at you from halfway up the stairs.

[roll 1d20 for EPIC HOBO ESCAPE PLAN]

>>22045297
>Fuck, managed to copypaste the same line twice while I rearranged some shit
>Whatever, you're drunk

Rolled 17

>>22045297
Master Lock-pick him.

Rolled 2

>>22045297
WE've just had a delightful meal but wish to take this with us and leave if you'd just hand us a pay machine we'll be on our way.

Wow, pretty slow right now. I mean, I GUESS I could just average those two rolls, but something tells me a 9.5 is not exactly what you guys would prefer to have as your roll.

Rolled 8

>>22045927
>>22045384

Master lockpick all the way to the riftia...

Rolled 20

>>22046038
He said to get a high average...Ah well MASTER LOCKPICK!

Rolled 2

Fuck it, I may have fallen completely out of touch with this quest, but I can still roll for blood-drunk batgirls.

>>22046145
Can I assume because of my terrible posting sporacity? Because I can apologize for that, at least.

>>22046038
Welp, most radical solution, then.

>>22046175
It had more to do with exams and a lack of following anything in general, it was by no means a critique on the quest itself. You keep doing your thing, man, because you do it pretty damn well.

>>22046209
Godspeed with your exams, man. And I always worry that my ridiculously sporadic posting schedule is going to turn people off to the whole thing.

Seriously, fuck my schedule. Time and space have no bearing. It's like living in the Warp.

"Hey, manager man, no need to be upset. I can explain everythi----"

You stop yourself short as you realize what you're doing.

Manager.

MANager.

THE MANager.

HE'S ONE OF THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM!

"THOU SHALT NOT TAKE ME, ESTABLISHMENT DOG!" You scream at the top of your lungs, ensuring that any eyes in the restaurant not already pointing in your direction are doing so now.

You kick the table over with one mighty foot, and with another blow, you send it crashing down the stairs at the MANager, breaking off pieces as it goes.

The MANager screams before the table takes him full-on in the chest, knocking the wind out of him and setting him somersaulting into the shrieking waitresses at the bottom of the stairs.

At the same time, you grab a leftover platter that escaped your "take-out bag" and frisbee it on to the top of the banister. And with another of your completely impossible leaps, you hop on top of it.....

.......and proceed to nosegrind down the banister.

"SUUUUUUUUUUUCK MYYYYYYYYYYY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!"

You hit the bottom at a significant speed. Thankfully, you land on something sufficiently soft. Namely, the pile of splintered wood, the MANager, and the waitresses, who groan as the platter impacts them as you hop off.

"And I STICK THE LANDING!" You thrust your hands upwards in victory. You add a crotch thrust too. Never a bad decision to throw in a crotch thrust.

"LINCOLN WHAT THE FUCK!?" Zuli hurls curses at you as she stumble-rushes down the stairs, the foxgirls following close behind.

"Quickly, my companions! We have nearly fallen into the trap of the dreaded MAN! ILLIANA! LIGHT THE PLACE ON FIRE!"

"Wh-wha---" Illiana stutters, apparently not keeping up with the flow of epiphanies you have just had. That's alright though; not everyone can be as clever as you.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, WOMAN! THERE'S NO TIME! THROW FIREBALLS AT SHIT OR SOMETHING!"

Illiana, stares at you in confusion for a split-second longer, before succumbing to the pressure of the situation and alarmed shouting of the restaurant patrons. Focusing her gaze, her tails flare up, waving like flickering candles. Thin streaks of fire whisp up from the tips, spiraling into spheres of flame that hover in the air in a small arc above her head. With a small flick of her wrist, the fireballs suddenly accelerate in all directions, impacting the walls, the ceiling, and burning the toupee off one unfortunate man, completely ruining his chances with the young 20-something girl he was hitting on. It's okay, he didn't stand a chance anyway.

>>22047083
DAMN IT. You do realize this is going to burn all that perfectly good booze, yes?

"AND NOW, WE MAKE OUR GLORIOUS ESCAPE FROM THIS FASCIST BASTION!" You cheer rowdily as you half-skip, half-sprint out of the room and body-check your way out the door, breaking about half the glass panels in the process.

"WAS THERE EVEN A POINT TO THAT!?" Zuli haplessly complains as she sprints after you.

"I-I-I don't understand! Why did I do that!?" Illiana cries.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Moira cheers as her vision swims up and down, bouncing on your shoulder.

"I AM THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD!" You shout to the rooftops as you flee down the street.

>Where to now, genius?

[ ] [back to the military HQ; diplomatic immunity]

[ ] [go hide on a rooftop; we Batman now]

[ ] [take a leisurely walk by the river]

[ ] [go see if you can steal that revolutionary-era cannon near the plaza before they can catch you]

[ ] [chug expensive wine]

[ ] [other]

>>22047118
Quantum morality. If Lincoln is not aware, then he don't care.

>>22047129
[X] go sit in the tank.
[X] imbibe liquor

>>22047141
Look, any establish serving that much food on fire is going to have a massive liquor cabinet. AND YOU BURNED IT DOWN.

Rolled 19

>>22047129
WHY THE FUCK AOLSDHFHASDLFALHFKASD. THE BOOZE YOU BASTARD! Ah well go back to the military compound and if anyone complains stuff food down their gobs.

>>22047203
>>22047158
Not guaranteed that the restaurant burned down, just like no guarantees that the noble asshole is dead. You only threw a FEW fireballs.

>>22047129
[ ] [go hide on a rooftop; we Batman now]
[ ] [chug expensive wine]

We really need to buy AS MUCH STUFF AS POSSIBLE while the General hasn't yet killed us for bankrupting him so we can move over to Riftia. So that we can be Batman.

>>22047223
...You're still taking a massive chance with the booze.

>>22047259
That booze was tainted by THE MAN. We put it out of its misery like a good booze deserves.

>>22047129
>[x] [back to the military HQ; diplomatic immunity]

Rolled 11

>>22047129
>[ ] [take a leisurely walk by the river]
It would be nice to do SOMETHING nice for the girls.

-15 MINUTES LATER-

"WHAT THE HELL---"

"Ssssshhhhhh!"

"What the hell are we doing!?" Zuli demands, whispering fiercely.

"I thought it might be nice to take you all for a romantic stroll by the river." You whisper back, smile on your face.

"THIS is supposed to be romantic!? We're sneaking through the shadows on a beach!"

"Hey, I didn't know the thought police would show up so quickly...."

"I think what we did was decidedly more physical than mental, Lincoln." Illiana points out. "And you still haven't explained why I had to put the building to the flame."

"Because it was a bastion of fascism and repression. It had to be purified. With fire." You state firmly. "Besides, not like it'll burn down THAT easily. They fire department knows how to deal with my shit at this point."

Zuli stares at you, half incredulous and half rage. "....You make a HABIT of lighting buildings on fire?"

"They call it a Code Bismuth." You smirk with pride.

The red oni buries her face in her hands. "I have signed on to follow the most insane man in all of two worlds. Glorian help me."

"WOOOOOOO! I WANNA GO SHWIMMIN'!"

"Moira, you'll get us found out!" You hiss urgently at the blood-drunk batgirl on your shoulder.

"HEY! WHO'S DOWN THERE!?"

"Fuck! Book it, ladies!" You half whisper, half shout as you flee further down the riverside.

Rolled 19

>>22047737
>Glorian
Who is this Glorian fellow? Not that you need him to help you, Zuli, because you have THE HOBO.

>>22047737
RUN YOU DRUNK BASTARD.

>>22048104
I believe Glorian is both the name of a god and the name of the continent we visited in Riftia

-20 MORE MINUTES LATER-

General Williams stares humorlessly at the sight in front of him, face a mask of stone. He is not amused.

"So let me get this straight. And stop me if I'm wrong."

"Will do."

"You went out to get some clothes and dinner....."

"Fun times."

"And you were attacked by someone "impersonating a police officer."

"His mustache screamed evil."

"You then went to a clothes store..."

"Nice people."

".....and they gave you all suits for free."

"And my fancy pocket coat. You've noticed that, right?"

"You then decided to go to dinner...."

"Delicious food, it was."

"Which went according to plan, and the staff liked you so much they let you take home the leftovers. And all of THAT was free."

"They even threw in some plates and silverware to eat it on."

"You then came back here, where you just HAPPENED to find my wallet on the ground just now."

"It was in the shadow of the tank, easy to miss."

"And you have NO idea why there was a cloud of black smoke and dozens of sirens coming from the city."

"Nope."

"And that's why you are now standing in front of me in a zoot suit and chugging from a bottle of 1982 Lafite-Rothschild, Pauillac, like it's a box of Franzia."

"You sure know your wines, Generallisimo. Want some?"

"............"

"............"

"I TURNED MY BACK FOR 30 FUCKING SECONDS. 30 FUCKING SECONDS. AND YOU---YOU---YOU---_SWEGNEPROHGN#$P{OWERG#NP$$@+RJ-----------

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

=====PLEASE STAND BY=====

=====WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES=====

>>22049044
good times

>>22049044
Holy shit, we broke the temporarily broke the universe with the General's Rage. Excellent work, my friends

Hobo-King, will you still accept reader-produced vore if we roll 1s? I think I might be able to provide some. I'm on my phone, though, so I'll be slow.

File: 1355551381248.png-(452 KB, 644x480, 1328121839692.png)

>>22049334
Hobo King accepts ALL the vore.

-15 MINUTES LATER-

"Well, now that we're ALL here...." General Williams throws another murderous glare at you. You don't know why. You're already tied to the this chair. You're not really going anywhere.

"......We can get on to business." The general strides across the room to stand in front of you, eyes filled with malevolent hate.

"I have already debriefed the spec ops team about your little jaunt through the rift world. But UNFORTUNATELY, you were there too. AND you were the one who, by some insane miracle, brought back friendly intel sources. In light of this apparent miracle, I have decided to spare your worthless life, which I was originally planning to extinguish. With a MOAB. Because I detest you that much."

You'd reply with a witty retort, but the gag in your mouth makes it kind of hard to speak.

The general grabs you by the collar and hauls you towards him, snarling in your face. "But if you have ANY new intel at all, and you don't tell me right now? You will die screaming under the treads of one of my Abrams."

He rips the gag out of your mouth and you cough as you suck in fresh air. Would it kill them to WASH the gags? Wait, more important problems right now.

"Well? Anything useful?"

>Do you have anything to say to the General, /tg/?

>>22051090
Give him the shitty map first.

Rolled 17

>>22051090
We have a map. Did we tell him about the magic? It working in the real world is pretty amazing and unusual.

"Well, I've got this map."

"A map!? What the hell, say that earlier! That'll be incredibly helpful to---"

"But it's shitty."

".....HOW shitty?"

"VERY shitty."

The general sighs, disappointed. "Well, a shitty map is better than no map, in this situation. Lemme see it."

"I can't. I ate it."

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING TO ME ABOUT IT THEN!?"

Tell him that you learned dark matter exists in the complex plane, whish is why man has been unable to harness it's power from the real axis. Tell him when you're REALLY drunk you have personal access to the imaginary axis as well and so you can bring to him the power of all the dark energy that permeates our known universe, yet deceives all known detectors. It would make the power of the atom look like an mass on an inclined slope.

Rolled 17

>>22051368
I have this other map!

Also, does anyone have the post count?

Rolled 16

>>22051398

But this one is a very good map...

File: 1355560815696.png-(3.38 MB, 1800x1200, HoboQuest World Map Final(...).png)

>>22051398
Funny story, that.

>>22051432
Yotsuba Catalog puts us at 145 posts.

You should install 4chanX. Really.

>>22051432

143 my good hob king

>>22051368
"Well, I have another map that is freaking awesome."

Rolled 10

The hoboking passed out again, didn't he

>>22052715
clearly he didn't
>[ ] Imbibe Liquor
enough

>>22052751

Turns out he has gone to raid a distillary for more booze...

>>22054283
We clearly need to be picking [ ]imbibe liquor more

update when

"Relax, Generallisimo. I was just kidding. I've got a better map; it's hand-drawn, too. Old skills, very fancy. Thinking of selling it on Ebay."

"Does this one have teeth marks on it too?" The General sarcastically asks, to which you shake your head in the negative. "Gaaah, fine. Anything's better than talking to you longer than I have to. Give it here."

"Kinda tied u---"

"Finish that pun and I kill you."

A few minutes later, the general has managed to remove all the ropes, chains, padlocks, and duct tape with which you were secured to the chair.

"Now, the map."

"Foxgirls have it."

"THEN WHY THE HELL DID I---"

"WHOOP WHOOPWHOOPWHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!" You dodge the general's lunge for you, whooping your way right out of the tent before you get tied up again.

You find your entourage sitting around the outside of the tent, apparently waiting to see if the General was going to murder you or not.

"Hey, perfect timing! Little foxgirl!---what was your name again----oh right, Faye! I need that map, gimmegimme."

The shy little foxgirl (having immediately wrapped herself back up in her tail upon the shock of being addressed, carefully reaches into her pocket and pulls out the folded map. She shakily hands it out to you.

You take the map with an uncharacteristic amount of care, not wanting to frighten the poor little thing any more than she already seems to be. "Thank yooooou." You cheerfully say, patting her lightly on the head. She doesn't flinch away; that's a good sign, at least.

"One map for you, brave general!" You spin around, holding out the map to the military man, who looks like he was about to flying tackle you into the pavement. He mutters something under his breath as he snatches the parchment from you, unfolding it quickly to stare at it.

Rolled 2

>>22055669
We really need to get the genreal some nice relaxing monstergal lovin'. Or monsterboy lovin' if that's his cup o tea.

>>22055669
is it just me or have we left our poor slime girl all by her lonesome while wet out and had fun.

>>22056158
>went
I derped

>>22056158
She's sleeping in our nostril I think

File: 1355596299705.png-(251 KB, 900x600, 00023b.png)

Clearly this is the one for the General...

>>22056223
nono, we need something calm and soothing. Unfortunately I am woefully uneducated on monstergirls.

File: 1355597562073.png-(480 KB, 934x629, Weresheep profile.png)

>>22056250
Calm? Soothing? Weresheep.

>>22056179
Not mini slime, the one who likes books. I think we left her back at the portal entrance because of the soldiers being to freaked out.

File: 1355597981654.gif-(367 KB, 255x118, I can fap to this.gif)

>>22056402
go on...

>>22056464
All in due time, all in due time. I just throw you guys stuff whenever you happen to be discussing things that I have an idea for.

>>22056454

Oh, bubble slime girl who's name I forget... we hooked Fritz up with her for being such a bro...

>>22056574

I wonder how their...discussions are going.

>>22056574

With any luck, they're researching anatomy.

".......alright, not too bad. No markings, no important points, no scale or indications of distance, but it's a start. It's definitely better than what we WERE going on, which was jack shit."

You smile proudly at your glorious contribution to the cause. A few more contributions like this and you'll have won the glorious conquest all by yourself! Then they'll give you a statue. That dispenses free booze. GLORIOUS, YOU SAY.

"Anything ELSE, Mr. Lincoln?" The general snaps you back from your fantasizing with another hate-filled comment.

"......well.....I got magic to work here."

The general starts back. "You got WHAT to work now?"

"Magic. Fire. There were fireballs, and the inari---

"What's an ehnaree?"

"---fine, FOXGIRL, she made fireballs with magic. Though none of this has anything to do with anything bad that may have happened at any point ever. Yeah."

The general looks for a moment as if he's ready to break a blood vessel before he forces himself to calm down. "Right. Well. That's interesting. Can she do it again?"

"I unno. Lemme ask." You turn towards the bandit leader, cupping your hands over your mouth.

"HEY, ILLIANA! CAN YOU DO THE FIREBALL THING AGAIN!?!?"

"Lincoln, I'm right here, you don't have to----"

"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! JUST MAKE THE FIREBALLS AGAIN PLEASE!"

"Lincoln, I can hear you ju---"

"BUT NO BURNING STUFF THIS TIME, 'CAUSE OTHERWISE THE GENERAL WILL AIRSTRIKE ME."

The inari sighs, accepting her powerlessness in the face of your drunken insanity. Closing her eyes to focus, she hums softly as her tails do their wavy dance, fire flowing out of the tips of her tails to form....well, just one fireball this time, but it's enough.

".....Huh." the general simply says, staring at the fireball with a blank look on his face. "Well......that's interesting."

The fireball quickly destabilizes and flows back into Illiana's three tails as breaks her concentration, her face turning red for some reason.

"U-U-Um.....this.....h-hasn't happened to me b-b-before.....I-I-I swear, I have more power than this..." She stammers out, a look of shame on her face.

"Eh?" She just made a goddamn floating fireball, what's she embarrassed about? That shit is awesome. Think about it: you could make S'mores WHENEVER YOU WANTED.

>What do?

[ ] [inquire into details of fire-shame]

[ ] [implore general to get on with briefings]

[ ] [HONK EVERYTHING]

[ ] [imbibe liquor]

[ ] [other]

>>22057225
Magical artillery team go? Or, maybe the General will grow to love foxgirls.
>>22057227
[X] Fire-shame
IS THIS LIKE BEING NAKED TO YOU?

>>22057242
oh, and
[X] imbibe liquor

>>22057227
>[ ] [HONK EVERYTHING]
IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG
>[ ] [imbibe liquor]
>[ ] [implore general to get on with briefings]

>>22057227
>[ ] [inquire into details of fire-shame]
>[ ] [HONK EVERYTHING]
>[ ] [imbibe liquor]

>>22056402
Uhmn... Gonna have to trade in my 'Free Vore' card for this one.

Because seriously, that's fucking adorable. And I have no idea how you'd work Vore into adorable. But I'm willing to see it done.

Seriously, Weresheep = hot and cold running girlfriend. Want it rough for a while, just give her a trim. Also, adorably fluffy.

>>22056574 >>22056612 >>22056618
Minerva. Her name is Minerva. And she's probably still being held at the Rift. Considering the Feral slimes ate the last Terrans they encountered. Fritz probably went back to keep her company after the debrief was over.

And Fritz being Fritz he has a certain song sung by Tim Curry stuck on endless repeat between his ears.

'Slime beneath me, slime up above!
Ooouh, you'll love my (Ha Ha Ha) Toxic Lo~ve!'

>>22057227
>[X] [inquire into details of fire-shame]

>>22057227

[X] [inquire into details of fire-shame]

Interesting reaction. We should stroke her lovely tails to comfort her. And get Zuli to do it too. Gotta get the harem to get along, after all.

>>22057227

"A-HA!!! it is just as i thought! MAGIC POWERS do not regenerate in our world. WE MUST GO TO RIFTIA AGAIN!!!"
then honk everything and flee through the portal! we must start a recruitment campaign for the harem...

>>22057371
Deal. You get weresheep vore.

..........IF I decide to have you run into one.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

>>22058083

did you want some dice rolled?

Rolled 7

>>22058083
Fair enough.

>>22057227
Honk everything. The girls, the tank, the general, EVERYTHING.

>>22058354

HONK THE PORTAL!!! IT HAS ESCAPED OUR WRATH FOR THE LAST TIME!!!!!!!

"Whatcha gettin' all ashamed of, foxy? I'm not following you here." You cast a quizzical look at Illiana, who looks absolutely humiliated.

"W-W-We foxes are very proud of our power! F-For me to only be able to produce one fireball....." She buries her face in her hands. "W-What a disgrace!"

"Uhhhhh......Illiana? You do realize we don't have magic in this world, right? Your awesome flamethrower skills may not work properly here...."

"B-B-But they worked before!?"

"How do you generate fire normally?"

"W-well.....I call upon the spiritual energy that lays inside me and----"

"Aaaaaand there we have it, ladies and gentlegenerals. Internal magic source. I'm assuming it takes time to recharge?"

"Y-Y-Yes....i-it usually helps to be near a source of magical power......"

"Forget a source, we don't even have a thimble of magic. So recharging here is going to be impossible for you."

'O-O-Oh...." Illiana murmurs, though you can tell she's rather relieved. You might have to have a talk with her about that later; she was acting like a guy experiencing erectile dysfunction for the first time. Not healthy, and everyone knows how focused on health you are. I mean, look at you! They say drink a glass of wine before bed, and here you are, chugging a whole bottle! Truly, you go above and beyond in the name of health.

"Well, that's interesting. So we have girls with built-in flamethrowers. Not exactly useful in conventional warefare, but might help you against those slime-things. Now: we have shit to do." The general beckons to all of you to follow him, and marches off towards the portal.

Rolled 5

>>22058664

based on the wait time, i am looking forward to a damn good briefing. filled with booze, general rage and HONK!!!

rolling cause why not...

Jogging after General Stick-in-the-ass, you find yourself being led back up to.....

"WE MEET AGAIN, MY MORTAL ENEMY!" You shout, stabbing a finger towards the rifty-thing.

"Stop forming blood feuds with interdimensional rifts, Mr. Lincoln. We have...." He stops dead as he looks at the Spec Ops team waiting by the portal.

"Sergeant Fritz....."

"Yes, General?"

"Why does your uniform look like it's been covered in slime?"

"Well....uhhh....sir...I was keeping Minerva company up here----"

"Who the hell is Minerva?"

"My, that'd be me."

"FUCK!" The general uncharacteristically screams as the bubble slime girl oozes out from behind the nearby Humvee. "IT'S ANOTHER SLIME! GET THE FLAMETHROWER!"

"NO! Nonononono, General! It's cool! She's friendly, she's friendly!" Fritz waves his arms frantically as the General looks around for something to torch the airheaded slimegirl with.

"What the FUCK is that supposed to mean!? Didn't she just try to eat you too!?" The general yells. You meanwhile have somehow managed to get in front of Minerva, throwing your arms out in case the General starts flammenwerfing.

"Dammit, Minerva, this is why I didn't want you to come out...." Fritz mutters, before raising his voice to the General again. "Remember, sir!? There's a difference between feral non-humans and lucid ones! She's intelligent! And friendly! And gives really great hugs!" Fritz slams his mouth shut as he realizes he may have just said too much. Especially based on the way everyone is now staring at him.

"............ Sergeant?"

"Yes General?"

"Please keep such things to yourself."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED!!!" Fritz yells, chain of command or not. "I was just talking with her! Because she had to stay up here!"

"It's true. Fritz is very kind." Minerva smiles cheerfully, causing Fritz to scratch his head in embarrassment.

"Gag me. I have no idea what you see in that bubble-brained thing, Fritz." Johnson grumbles, ever the cynic.

"With all due respect, Captain, please shut up." Fritz fires back.

You, on the other hand, lost interest in listening a little ways back. You decide to make this known now.

"FRITZ GOT MONSTERGIRL ASS BEFORE ME!? NOOOOOOOO!!!" You shriek, falling to your knees in despair.

"Lincoln, were you listening? I just said I didn't---" Fritz is cut off, as there's no stopping your train of thought at this point.

"THIS MUST BE RECTIFIED. I MUST REMIT MYSELF COMPENSATION." You blare out, crazy lighting up in your eyes.

Pushing off from the ground, you hurtle behind the assembled foxgirls, and begin your assault.

"HOOOOOOONK!" You grab for a handful of both Cassandra and Aiya's breasts, squeezing them rhythmically.

"KYAAAAAAAH!?" Aiya shrieks, her twintails whipping around as she jumps up in shock.

"WHAT THE---GAAAAAH!" Cassandra shouts, immediately taking a swat at you.

You dodge the hit with alcohol-aided swaying action, swerving away from the two youkos and heading for the inari sisters.

"HOOOOOOOOOOONK!"

"EEYAAAAAH!" Faye yelps, her embarrassment kicking into high gear.

"LINCOLN, WHA--HYAAAAAH!" Illaina yips, tails twisting into a helix from surprise.

Wasting no time, you avoid the reflexive elbows they throw at you by dropping into a crouch roll, springing up from it to head towards Moira, who has wandered in her bloody inebriation over towards Minerva.

"HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!"

"NGAAAAAAAH!?!?" Moira squeals, having not even seen the boob barrage coming.

"O-Oh my!" Minerva, true to form, merely giggles a bit from the squeezing. Sheesh, an airhead to the end.

Your mouth bared in a psychotic, perverted grin, your eyes wide with madness, you sprint towards the final prize. The be-all-end-all of honking. The demonic knockers.

Zuli says absolutely nothing as you grab both her jubblies in a double-fisted grip, squeezing the lusciousness in both hands. You trumpet your victory cry to the sky.

"HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
----"

KACRACKATHWAM


With a combination of a thud and a sickening crack (probably as Zuli's fist breaks the sound barrier), you are Shoryukened into the sky.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooo......." Your cry fades out as you gain altitude.

'....Erm.....did you kill hi----"

"Wait." Zuli stops him with a gesture of her palm, still staring up at your flailing airborne figure.

"........oooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONKBLAAAARGGHLFRBMNGGH!!" Your cry ends as you crash-land in the nearby shrubberies, legs twitching as they protrude out of the bushes.


Zuli turns to the open-mouthed military men who are staring at her. "Now, what were you saying?"

"..........I was saying that maybe General Electric still has one of those XM214 prototypes in storage....." The General concludes, after he's picked his jaw up off the ground.

>>22060119
All this punching is gonna catch up to lincoln on day. But will it be worse than any hangover? Probably not.

Rolled 11

>>22060717
Lincoln has an 'understanding' with physics which helps protet him from the majority of side effects of his injuries. Lincoln is so hazy as to the full scale of the injuries he should be inflicted with that he simply ignores the universes attempts to enforce them. As such all he usually suffers is pain, anything else is quickly healed via careful application of copious amounts of alchohol.

>>22060894

or all that alcohol got compressed enough in his veins that it evolve to super nano cells that aid his body in any way or form.

we crysis now.

File: 1355620953523.jpg-(414 KB, 900x1193, rtil_tf2-heavy-weapons-girl.jpg)

>>22060119
Sweet jesus, arming our dear Zuli with a microgun? I LOVE DIS GENERAL

Hang on guys, next posts coming momentarily. I just accidentally typed like, six pages, and I have to figure out how to divide them up correctly. My friend is over studying at my place, and is mixing drinks for me while she does. Thus, my productivity has skyrocketed.

>>22060119
I have one question. Has the General met our minislime daughter yet

>>22061632
You have an awesome friend. Give her a kiss for us, kay?

Rolled 15

>>22061919
I think you mean:
>Give her a honk for us, kay?

>>22061709
I don't think he has. Which means we need to find reason to call forth the fist of power yet again.

>needing a reason

Rolled 20

>>22061954
If he does see it leaking out of our sinuses he's likely to think it's already eaten our brain and is acting as an infiltrator.

>>22061942
thats a terrible idea.
Do it anyway

>>22061942
She's probably me bro-est of friends. Which means she would totally go Zuli on my ass if I dared to try. She is aware of my writefaggotry however, and finds it quietly amusing.

>>22062000
HUE MODE, ACTIVATE!

"Ahem....Well." The general straightens himself up, trying to recover from the absolute insanity that he just witnessed, while casting slightly intimidated looks at Zuli. The red oni is staring at him expectantly, arms crossed in a definite "do-not-waste-my-time-or-I-will-do-the-same-to-you" gesture.

"Since we're all now here, and Mr. Lincoln being in the bushes still qualifies since he's not going to listen anyway, we can begin the briefing." The general regains his business face as he continues his speaking.

"You men have successfully completed the FIRST scouting mission into this new world, and have brought back a lot of key intel. For this, you will be decorated accordingly. But the body of knowledge that we do not know is far vaster still, and thus, our work has only just begun.

"We stand ready, General." Johnson responds, standing at attention with the rest of the spec ops.

"Good, good. As your skills will be needed." The general then turns to the assembled monstergirls.

"Ladies, I know you experiences here have been rather strange and unusual. Our culture and technology are far different from yours; indeed, we are not even of the same species. From what I have heard, humans have....not been kind to you, in your world."

A few of the girls hesitantly nod at this, and a look of pain briefly flashes on Zuli's face, before being replaced by her previous standoffish demeanor.

"Be that as it may, we find ourselves at critical point, not just in human history, but in all our shared history. We are in a period that could forever alter the fate of both our worlds, for better or worse. All we can do now is to strive for the best possible outcome. The United States of America plans to lead the way to better and brighter future for all. Will you help us with this?"

The foxgirls share looks between one another, communicating silently. Zuli merely hmmphs and closes her eyes, keeping her thoughts to herself. Moira may be trying to think, but she's slowly sinking into Minerva as she drunkenly leans on her, making her just look silly.

Illiana is the first to speak. "I know not what your goals are, General. I do not know you, nor your country, nor your world. But I have made an agreement with Lincoln, and even though he has proven himself to be of.....questionable....intelligence....." She forces herself to not cast you a pointed look. "I can at least realize that he is not the sort of man to lie when it counts. If you are willing to honor the agreement he promised us, then I will hold to it."

The General nods, matching Illiana's business smile inch for inch. "The United States stands by its allies. As soon as we can establish a presence on the other side of the rift, we will send troops to your village to protect it against all comers. I only ask that you properly inform them of the enemies they will be facing." Illiana nods in agreement, and the General turns his attention to Minerva and Moira.

"My, you don't have to worry about me. I'm just happy to live a quiet life with as many books as I can. I'd like to see if I can explore this new world; it seems so fascinating." Minerva gives a disarming smile to the General, bubbles drifting lazily up from her body.

"I will have my men prepare living quarters for you. You need only answer whatever questions you can for the researchers. And I'm sorry to say that you cannot leave the HQ at this time, as it would cause a panic amongst the regular populace. But as soon as it is safe, we will arrange an escort to show you around the city."

"My, that's a shame." Minerva looks slightly put out by the news, but brightens up again almost immediately. "But an "eventually" is better than a "no". I'd be happy to discuss whatever your scholars would like."

The general gives a brief smile, obviously still a bit unnerved by the bubble slime. He turns his attention to Moira.

"(hic) Imma follow Lincoln EVERWHERE! Hish blood tastsh good and he getsh me boozshe and womensh!" The batgirl happily slurs. The General stares for a moment before moving on.

Finally, he turns to Zuli, who stares back at him with an icy glare. She waits a few moments before opening her mouth.

"I don't like you. You're angry and you wear a uniform, and men like that are always bad news in my experience. And honestly, I have no idea why the hell I'm following Lincoln around. He's perverted, alcoholic, crazy and unfathomably stupid. Nothing he does makes any sense."

Her face darkens in a blush, her eyes staring off in another direction, her words stumbling as she continues. "B-But.....he's also the only human....who's never even looked at me like a monster. Hell, he crows about my species! He celebrates ALL of us! I....I don't really get why.....but......he's the only person who doesn't care what I look like, and he likes me regardless." She stares at the General again with a hard look in her eyes. "So I'll help. Not for you. But for him. Because whatever his faults, he deserves that much."

The General takes in her words silently, finally nodding before he turns back to the spec ops.

"Well, as you can see, we are all united in our desire to good here. And so, in the interest of that, Captain Johnson, we will be dispatching your squad on a mission of indeterminate length. You will be indefinitely assigned to beyond the rift until such a time where it is prudent to reassign you. You will be our first deep-insertion team, responsible for both recon, diplomacy, and sabotage as deemed necessary. You will be in unfamiliar territory at all times, and potentially in hostile territory just as often. You will need to be at your very best, as this is something no American, no human, has ever done before. Am I clear!?"

"SIR, YES, SIR!" The spec ops squad chants in unison.

"Very good. Your objectives are as follows: First, discover as much as you can about the power structures, borders, fieldable forces, firepower, and anything else you can of the nations and similar parties on the other side of the rift. We have no idea when a war could break out, so we'll NEED that intel! Secondly, you are to attempt alliances with any party you are able, who's desires do not conflict with the key interests of the United States. Since you all don't exactly have the authority to do this, we will be attempting to set up a transmission tower on the other side as quickly as we can to facilitate advisement, but due to the limited size of the rift and therefore the equipment we can bring through, it may take a while. You are to use your best judgement as patriotic Americans in the meantime; we have no treaties with any of these nations, so we have a bit more wiggle room. And thirdly, you are to keep an eye out for any further rifts! If we are to effectively operate on the other side of the world, we will need to figure out ways to get our troops and equipment through! This bottleneck allows easy defense, but it limits us as well."

The general straightens his uniform for a moment before continuing. "Any further objectives will be relayed to you either upon returns to Rift Point Zero or by radio upon deployment of the transmission tower. Any questions?"

"How are we to deal with non-humans, General?" Johnson respectfully asks, though it's obvious he has a personal interest in knowing whether he can torch slimes on sight.

"Exercise caution, but approach every situation with friendly behavior, if possible. We already may have pissed off one group, we can't afford another. The last thing we need is to accidentally genocide a species because we didn't feel like being nice." The General's words sound joking, but his tone is as cold as steel.

"Yes, sir." Johnson replies, treating the situation with the same gravity. This is serious shit.

"Alright, that's the briefing then." The General smiles lightly. "Godspeed, men. You're doing your country and the world a great service."

"And getting away from Lincoln." Johnson laughs. But he stops when the brigadier general frowns.

"Getting away...? Captain Johnson, Mr. Lincoln will be accompanying same as last time."

".............no." Johnson whispers under his breath, staring at the general with a look of horror as he continues.

"While he may not be the most.....tactically inclined......we cannot ignore the fact that he provided the bulk of the intel and laid the groundwork for our diplomacy, as haphazardly as he did it. We cannot jeopardize our tentative alliances...." He motions to the various monstergirls. "......by leaving him out of operations."

"NO." Johnson says, half-yelling it at this point, but General Williams pays no heed.

"And honestly, Captain, did you really think I was going to keep him here? WITH ME? I don't think so. He's YOUR problem, Captain. Not mine."

"NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" Johnson's scream of despair echos across several city blocks.

Ignoring Johnson as he quietly sobs to himself, the General turns towards the bushes.

"Now, Mr. Lincoln, let's get you out of there so you can be on your wa----" He stops dead at what he sees. Or rather, what he doesn't see.

"He's gone." The general states blankly as he stares at the empty gap in the bushes. "He's gone. Why is he gone. WHY IS HE GONE. WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT SON OF A BITCH HOBO GO." He quickly escalates to screaming pitch as he begins to freak out.

His questions are answered by the sound of an engine starting at the bottom of the plaza. Followed by the rumbling squeak of tank treads.

"...........Oh, goddamnit, no." The general says, though his face shows plainly how powerless he knows he is.

The Abrams roars as it rumbles up the makeshift ramps, crushing masonry and shrubbery alike as it crashes towards the portal. And as it hurtles towards the rift, roaring it through it like some beast from the future assailing the past, the unmistakable cry of madness echos out of the open hatch.

"HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!"

".......the Abrams doesn't even have a horn....." Johnson meekly states as the massive tank plows past him, driving straight through the rifty-thing. And trailing behind it, tied with what appears to be stolen bungee cords and military clothing all knotted together, is a shopping cart with a knotted tablecloth sack, a ridiculously large backpack, an assorted amount of most-likely purloined weapons, and a metric shitload of booze.

There is a long silence as everyone stares at where the Abrams and it's demented booze trailer disappeared into the rift.

".......Just.......just get after him before I request to nuke the portal so I never have to see him again." The General groans, face in his hands.

Rolled 3

>>22062051
And that is why Moira is my favourite.

>>22062045
waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait. DID THE GENERAL JUST CALL US AN ALLY? OVERENTHUSIASTIC HUH, HUUUUUAAH!
>>22062094
The US does not nuke its allies, silly General.

---AND NOW BACK TO THE HOBO---

"WEEEEEEEEEEEE!" You happily scream as you rumble along in your new favorite toy. Not that you understand how it works. Or how you even got it started. But hey: details.

Though you should probably do something before you crash, yeah.

>What do?

[ ] [press the big blue button]

[ ] [pull the three funny levers]

[ ] [turn the brown crank]

[ ] [FIRE THE GUN! SOMEHOW!]

[ ] [imbibe liquor]

[ ] [other]

>>22062597
Stopping comes first, don't want to waste ammo and make too much noise. The brown crank sound safe enough. Failing that, try the levers one by one.

>>22062597
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW A TANK WORKS. WHERE THE HELL IS THAT ARMY GUY WHEN WE NEED HIM.

>>22062597

[X] [press the big blue button]

Everyone knows that red buttons are dangerous. Therefore, blue ones must be perfectly safe!

>>22062895
They wouldn't build a tank with a self destruct button. Thats just silly.
What position are the levers in Lincoln!

>>22062816
Just push the brake pedal like in a car.

Rolled 18

>>22062597
[x] Yes.

Do all of that.

In reverse order.

Also, see if the minislime has any insight and/or will fit into the barrel of the cannon.

>>22063092
We are not firing minislime out of the cannon. Because no.

File: 1355628862690.jpg-(41 KB, 700x470, A4508-M1 Simulator-PFC St(...).jpg)

>>22063057
How driving an M1 works: Twist right handle to accelerate, turn yoke to turn tank, press brake pedal to stop.

The driver is isolated in his own compartment from the turret, so he has no way to move it or fire the gun.

Rolled 1

>>22063112
Why do you object to awesome ideas?

>>22063185

What will emerge from this, I wonder? The mind truly quails...

>>22063182
FUCK YES, ARMY GUY IS HERE!
>>22063185
because fuck you, NOW WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH TANK VORE.

Rolled 16

>>22063210
> DEAL WITH
i think you mean
>enjoy

>>22063254
NO
Yes. very much so yes

>>22063210
Not that army guy, but an army guy. I was actually trained on the M3 Bradley (complete piece of shit for scout work), but I'll help If you need it.

>>22063297
You should advise on what guns to pick when we get to that choice in a little while. Just my advice.

Rolled 20

>>22063315
I think we want a barrel of Kalashnikovs

File: 1355629740933.png-(438 KB, 1500x1355, angry-desk-flip-l.png)

>>22063351
Wait, thats not actually a bad idea. Dependable, easy to clean, fairly lightweight. But stilll

>>22063315
M4A1s with vert grips, AN/PEQ-15s, and Elcan Spectre-DRs for riflemen. One guy should havev a Carl Gustav 84mm recoiless rifle and a couple others with two rounds each for it on their kit. M240B for the machine gunners. M14 EBR for the Designated Marksmen. Two of the riflemen should have an M320 on their rifles instead of vert grip. And if you want them to really kick ass, one should carry an XM-25 Punisher.

>>22063441
HK, can we keep him? Please?

>>22063441
WELP.

File: 1355630361458.jpg-(132 KB, 640x480, M855A1_Enhanced_Performan(...).jpg)

>>22063483
The beautiful part? The new M855A1 round for the M4s is just as effective on target as 7.62 rounds and can punch through armor and concrete.

>>22063573
So, yeah, thats, wow. I like you. Keep up the good work.
>>22063549
fox girls as riflemen, give zuli the heavy weapons, like the 84mm and the punisher, moira as our eye in the sky with the M14 EBR. We get the M240B. Because hobo with a machine gun, fuck yeah.

>>22063639
I thought you were just talking the human squad. If they have an XM214 I totally support the idea of Heavy Weapons Girl.

>>22063721
Oh. Still, we need to have air superiority. Whats a light weight effective gun?

>>22063751
The M4A1 is only 6.9 pounds loaded (without the accessories, but the extra weight is negligible) and has an effective range of 500m for a point target (like a person) and 600m for an area target (like a truck). Do we need to go lighter? And by air support do you mean just another gun up in the air, or sniper support?

>>22063826
Like, a batgirl flying around with a gun. shooting things.

Rolled 19

>>22062597

imbibe liquor and pull the leavers. i assume tanks still operate like industrial tracked vehicles...

>>22064023
See >>22063182

Papa-N would love this thread right now.

>>22064080
So I watched the Hobbit today, and one of the villains looked like Nurgle. Not even joking. I almost puked popcorn.

Fucking phone, stop screwing up my tripcode with your autocorrect.

>>22064105

Does this mean that you are at work?

>>22064213
No, it means I smelled free booze and went after it. I'll be back after I drink everything I reasonably can.

>>22064258

Have you tried Curiosity Cola? It is filled with alcoholic intregue...

>>22063847
It depends, how much can she carry and still fly?

>>22064994

she can carry one person and fly a fair distance, so i would assume that any standard weapon should be fine... also, before we go giving the girls guns, we should see how accurate they are. after all, you don't give someone who can't hit the broad side of a barn a sniper rifle, you give them an SMG...

>>22064258
free booze....

File: 1355639365274.jpg-(31 KB, 450x450, 18-153-IMG2_L.jpg)

>>22065105
She could probably do with one of these so her rifle isn't swinging around as she flies. http://www.blackhawk.com/product/CQD-Weapon-Catch,153,94.htm

But before arming the people who haven't seen a gun before meeting us, a couple weeks of just getting them trained on safety and marksmanship is needed.

>>22064428
No, haven't even heard of it. But now I have, so I will seek to try it.

Well, managed to yoink a few free drinks off of that party I accompanied my friend to. Good times.

I can get back to writing now.

Since you all apparently now know how to stop a tank, and it isn't one of the options......

[roll 1d20 to beat the odds and pick something other than the obvious options]

Rolled 12

>>22066152

Rolled 8

>>22066152
>inb4 rollfail
I always do.