File: 1354315569354.jpg-(697 KB, 900x900, 1353579162983.jpg)

You wake in the verdant forest.

"It's... bright."

You notice a woman. The most shockingly gorgeous woman you have ever seen wreathed in green.

You stand on uncertain legs. You sure feel solid enough, none of that ethereal sluggishness you were impaired with as you laid "dying".

The woman's beautiful features leaves you dumbstruck. You open your mouth, and... The only thing that comes out is a quote from a terrible, stupid, anime.

"I ask of you, are you my master?"

[ ] "Yes."
[ ] "No, get out of my forest, you creep."
[ ] "I-I don't know.."

>>21825776
"I... Don't know"

File: 1354315758746.jpg-(92 KB, 400x300, 1353103129496.jpg)

>anon-kun
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I MIGHT ENJOY QUESTS IF THEY DIDN'T PULL THIS SHIT. NAMES ARE NOT THAT FUCKING HARD, JAPANESE HONORIFICS ARE UNECESSARY. IF YOU CAN'T PULL A FUCKDAMNED NAME OUT OF YOUR ASS JUST ASK FOR ONE.

WHAT THE GODDAMN FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

>>21825776
[X} - "I don't know."

Also, please, think of a name. Anon-kun sounds horrible.

>>21825804
>>21825819
OP could always use "Monsieur Anon", "Senior Anon", or "Herr Anon", to make some variety...

>>21825819
Also, do we have to be Japanese?
No offense, but I want the character be a Scottish.

[ ] "I-I don't know.

also, >>21825804
Yeah, get a name or something.

>>21825819
Also, do we have to be Japanese?
No offense, but I want the main character to be Scottish. Or Russian.

>>21825804
>>21825852
Only one person at his deathbed said "Anon-kun". Maybe anon just had a japanese girlfriend? STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.

File: 1354316141625.gif-(620 KB, 500x278, Iforgiveyou.gif)

>>21825767
>anon-kun
>anon
>kun

If you promise to never do this again, I forgive you. But only in the sense of pic related.

>>21825852
>>21825859
McAnon?

>>21825873
See?
Even this sounds better then Anon-kun.

>>21825852
We have our bagpipes with us, right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euQ7BEPjBj4

No kilt, though, pants are just fine.

>>21825848
Or, you know, a name.

Seriously, why Kun?

OP is clearly writing in english, so why is this a thing?

polite sage for off-topic

>>21825881
>No kilt
Why, are you ashamed of something?

>>21825895
It's more of a practicality thing.

>>21825894
because anime?

>>21825894
Fear of change, every single /a/-like quest tends to use anon-kun/san/oniichan (my hips are moving on their own) as a name.

Perhaps the quest runner is simply afraid that originality will cause something to rupture.

>>21825895
We died in a hospital at the beginning of this thing, didn't we?
Do Scottish hospitals have patients on their deathbed in kilts?

>>21825919
They should.

Animu Railroad Quest?

Dear god, /tg/. Why have you become this?

I still remember those DM's that was able to actually improvise.

>>21825919
Yes, much like how English hospitals give you a complementary final cup of tea and monocle.

>>21825929
>>21825927
What would American hospitals do? One final hotdog and a cowbay hat while somebody plays banjo?

>>21825804
>WHAT THE GODDAMN FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Gotta agree with that angry Anon-kun here, that right there made me skip opening this in another tab.

>>21825919
brb, proposing bill to scottish parliament...

but yeah, we probably have no kilt...

also

[x] "I-I don't know.."

There is only one answer:

>[X]RAPERAPERAPERAPERAPE IN SPAAAAAAACE!

>>21825962
See, one more reason to be wearing a kilt, makes it far easier to rape someone.

>>21825949
which would cost several thousand dollars.

Gotta love how a simple little suffix can bring out the most hilarious douchebags in people that think themselves so much more intelligent than users of said particle, and all of it just because of its rise in pop culture.

Stay classy.

http://anonkun.com/stories/Aegis/2351d8ab-7a17-4a5b-b9e4-e87006ac1f5c

We still have to come up with a name. or will the OP do that himself?

How about Jack o'Riley o'Donnel o'Sullivan-kun?

>>21825970
as a scottish person, i can confirm that the kilt was invented to make buggering sheep on the sly easier.

>>21825970
Should we find some followers to create a band of scottish rapist and burnt the land?

It seems a better idea than flirt with retartded space elves.

>>21825776
[X] "y-you too?"

"I-I don't know.." The strange woman says hesitantly.

"Where am I," you ask. "Oh and by the way, that was a joke. Just a joke."

You approach her slowly, taking in all her strange, mystical accoutrements with a skeptical expression. Strange, alchemistic, witch-like objects lays all around us.

"You're safe. I have no intention of harming you."

"I see," you mutter. You notice for the first time her pointy ears. A magical elf world where everyone speaks English. That makes sense.

You reach out and touch her strange gloves...

It's a cool and leafy feeling.

"Welcome to our world..."

Your hand is moving up her arm.

"You are summoned because this world is in great need..."

Your hand reaches her neck.

And suddenly you are gripping it, hard, as you are wont to do.

In your left hand you pop out the knife you always carry on your person.

[ ] "You might have a good reason for summoning me... but I don't care about that. From my perspective I suffered in bed for three days before dying in pain. The only thing I am thinking about now is, how are you going to apologize for that?"

>>21826010
You are an inventive people, I'll give you that.

>>21826021

She slowly lets out the breath she had been holding. "What about... wealth and power. Would that be a suitable apology?"

"And what if..." you say in a low voice, "I want some something more immediate?"

She turns her head slightly, revealing to you the fine side of her neck.

She is really beautiful. Her beauty... it's driving you mad. You want to attack her, right here and now.

But you stop.

Self control holds you back.

You back off.

"What... what did you do to me?" You say angrily.

You see disappointment flash across her eyes.

"I summoned you to our world, Anon. For a hundred years evil has been leaking from your world to ours... It has caused war and destruction." She answers you, plainly not addressing your question.

"Us, the side of good, has been driven to desperation. We needed an ally from the evil world."

"This sounds, really suspicious. First of all, my world is not evil." That's your immediate reaction. You stop to take in what she's saying. "Why now? Why me?"

"A warlord from the evil world is wrecking death and destruction all across the land. We are powerless to stop him."

"His name is Anon. Yes, he's you. You from another world, neither this world nor your own.

"We have searched long and hard for an Anon, an Anon who would be strong and powerful, but is... ultimately good. We need you."

>>21826012
As long as we find a nice piece of questionably aged ass, I don't care.

Seconding >RAPERAPERAPERAPERAPE

>>21826021
[ ] Custom

>>21826021
>>21826042
I'm pretty sure there was already some awful anime quest about being summoned to another world to fight evil or some shit.

Are you ripping off Summoned Hero quest, OP?

>>21826021
>Only one option with a checkbox as if everyone's supposed to actually bother voting for it
That is a typo or something, right? Nobody would actually railroad that blatantly, right?

>>21826058
Never heard of it. Any similarities are inadvertent.

This is starting to look like "NPCs try and shepherd murderous man into doing good things hopefully while he tries to murder and rape them all" quest.

>>21826048
[X] What's your view on Kilts vs Trousers?

>>21826009
According to a british study, the most scottish name is Angusina MacEachen.

It sounds a bit feminine, so I suggest the second most scottish name, Murdo MacRitchie.

Yay, nay?

>>21826060
No, you can write anything else. I don't railroad.

>>21826036
we also invented the TV, so we didn't actually have to go out and bugger sheep personally - we could have a chum do it and record it for later, thus inventing the first porno film.

you're welcome, internet.

Our character is half-Scottish, half-Serbian.
Always angry. All the time.

>>21826009
o' names are more of an Irish thing than a Scottish one, baka yank!

>>21826084
Oh, we'll see.
>[X] RAPERAPERAPERAPE

>>21826095
Murdo MacRitchie the kilted bastard, then?

>>21826062
you didn't miss much. I left after the OP interpreted "I'm pissed at you for kidnapping me" as "I'm a psychopath".

>>21826042
"Oh, you think me good? And why?"

>>21826111
True dat, summoned hero quest sucked major dicks

>>21826021
Wait, I'm confused.

We died, right? In a hospital?
Why the fuck do we have a knife? Do hospitals let people die with knives on them?

Also, why the fuck are we so angry?
We should be a confused person, not a murderhobo from the start.

>>21826042
She wants us to kill ourself? Why would we do that? We're the best bro we could ever have. We should go find ourself and team up.

>>21826122
We are an angry marine canidate.

>>21826089
Your contribution is appreciated.

>>21826095
Oh, my mistake, I do apologise. Eurofag, though, no yanks here.

>>21826021
[] pass out in exhaustion because of the strain of coming back to life

>>21826021
There better be some good damn consequences for raping this chick.

>Initiate scottish rape scene

>>21826122
>Do hopitals let people die with knives on them
Weren't you listening, it was a Scottish hospital.

Specifically a Glaswegian one.

>>21826048
[x] Murdo MacRitchie needs ground rules first. What's in it for me, and if you say 'sheeps' I'll go and give the warlord a helping hand.

That joke ain't funny expect when you're talking about New Zealanders.

>>21826110
mac is also irish - mc is scottish, as in mcdonald or mckenzie.

>>21826149
or the Welsh.

>>21826149
Or the Welsh.

Fuck the Welsh.

"Right, well, first off, explain the bullshit you just pulled to drag me out of my shitty Glasgow hospital bed. Second off, what makes me your supposedly good "chosen one" or some shit?"

>>21826141
The consequence is that she enjoys it, if my japanese hentais are anything to go by.

>>21826158
Hey, I wouldn't know. It's a study done by the brits. McRitchie, then?

>>21826148
Let me guess, we died during a routine visit to the dentist?

>>21826137
>>21826149
These, while

[X] Tender-loving rape

>>21826170
>>21826163

Said like a true welshman.

>>21826042
Oh you. Why post ahead, half the people are replying to different posts.

>>21826089
Well shit, thanks Scotfag.

>>21826021
Why are you such a fucking hack, OP?

>>21826183
>tender-loving rape

Is that even possible?

>>21826192
That happens when you do a shitty railroad thread when half of our actions are dictated by you. If we wanted to play an animu interactive novel, we will go to /a/.

>>21826206
In a world pretend, everything is possible. Especially if you're Murdo McRitchie.

>>21826206
You can love, and kiss, and caress someone while you rape her.

Her tears are love tears.

File: 1354317772572.jpg-(25 KB, 311x311, YouMustBeNewHere.jpg)

>>21826206
>>/exhentai/

>>21826224
This is sounding more and more like something from my precious hentais!

>>21826192
Quick question.
Why is the main character so mad?
I mean, I'd be confused as a sheep buggered by a Scotsman if this happened to me, but not furious.

Also, [X] Custom - "Tell me what's going on. I'm confused, angry and scared, and I don't some bullshit pre-death trip. This is it, isn't it? Just a dream while my brain goes offline?"

>>21826240
In a fit of sleep-deprivation induced sanity, I'll go on ahead and support this vote.

Either that or passing out.

>>21826240
Well you see this character is the scotsman and not the sheep.

>>21826227
>>21826224
>>21826220
Well fuck me. It's worth a shot

Seconding
>[X] Rape
But make it
>[X] tender and loving

>>21826240
This.
>Sheeeit, Murdo. You mad, son.
>Calm down
>Fuck, you crazy.

>>21826021
[X] - "You know who's to blame for the problems in your world, right?

It's the British, now let's go kick King Edward's arse!"

>>21826240
Supporting this

>>21826240
>Why is the main character so mad?
I left clues in the text. But you're mad because you spent 3 days dying in pain from some mysterious ailment that's causing your body to light up spectacularly. You've had 3 days to think about what's going on before you vanished, and in that time you stored up mad and thought about the possibility of "magic".

>>21826258
I will vote for this, if only to see how it plays out.

>>21826258
I agree.

Romance her, with your dick.

>about to go get some sleep
>figure I'd check on /tg/ if anything cropped up recently
>find another /a/ quest
>suddenly sheep-buggering-sctotsman elf rape
>and kilts

I swear, retarded shit like this is the only reason why I keep coming back to this fucking board.

File: 1354318174245.jpg-(142 KB, 800x600, 1353967341209.jpg)

>>21826258
This. Yes. It will be an event worth fading-to-black.

>>21826280
Still, I wouldn't outright attack a person.
More likely, be tired and pissed, not homicidal.

>>21826306
You're clearly not Scottish.

>>21826280
>Possibility of Magic
>>21826258
Give her the magical dick, then. Mad, angry scot just survived death. Of course they'll rape the first thing they see. Softly. Like sheeps.

>>21826306
I have noticed this is a theme in /a/-style quests, that any slightly irritable response results in the OP having anon-onii-chan-kun go completely batshit insane and beat the shit out of someone or make death threats.

>>21826330
Ye. All anons have been mentally retarded in all quests. Expect for Fightin mans street fightan. But Anon was the protogonist Adams nickname, so that doesn't really count.

BUT NOW. We have a reason for being retarded angry. Because there are no sheeps in sight

>>21826330
Well, it is anime-related, and you know how anime protagonists tend to act.

>>21826346
Our Scottish urge to rape is going into overdrive, and the only one nearby is an Elf, who as everyone knows, one cannot rape.

>>21826330
Thank you.

Also, OP, are we still in pain?
Because if we aren't, I'd be surprised and happy that I'm finally okay, not go into "BITCH I GRAB YOUR THROAT AND PULL A KNIFE" mode.

>>21826353
That's why we have to find the other us who is probably experiencing the same thing being stuck in elfland hence his angry death and destruction. Then we can rape each other for ever and the world will be saved.

>>21826258
However-many-ith-ing this. We shall use this oxymoronic action to win an ally.

>>21826375
Poor guy.

"Ah've been stuck here for twenty years, and no matter how many of the pointy ears I rape it just doesn't scratch the itch."

>>21826392
>and then Aegis Quest was Scottish Rance Quest.

>>21826403
I find this acceptable.

>>21826258
Yes.
>>21826403
YES. WE ARE AN ANGRY SCOTTISH RANCE. I LOVE IT.

File: 1354319028947.jpg-(13 KB, 250x324, ColinMochrie.jpg)

I vote that we look like Colin Mochrie. Aye?

>>21826403
Get to it OP.

>>21826449
No. The commissar BLAM'd him.

/tg/: turning anon-kun into an angry but tender scottish rapist in 100 posts or less, or your money back.

>>21826471
So? He came back from the dead after three days in pain in a Scottish hospital with kilts and knives after visiting a dentist where he buggered a sheep.
See, OP? This is what you get for calling us Anon-Kun.

OP, if you manage to fly with this derailment, you have my respect.

Scottish rance, man.

>>21826506
And if you do not, then I might. I got rum, time and english as my third language. I'm not afraid to use any these.

File: 1354319546280.jpg-(13 KB, 640x480, 8c4.jpg)

>>21826506
Seconded and monitoring like a sonuvvabitch.

>mfw

>>21826547
OP gave up on us, it seems.
Would you do us the honors, kind sir, and post your stuff?

You let out a boisterous laugh, your kilt flipping skyward as "Bane of the English" your might claymore, pride of your clan, is exposed to the cool forest air.

The strange woman gasps, gazing upon it with awe. "I-it's so big!" she exclaims, overcome with the uncontrollable slutty elven lust inherent to her race.

You take a step towards her, throwing your knife aside, after all, you have a far more deadly weapon in hand now.

"Y-you can't be thinking, it wouldn't fit!"

Ignoring the elf's pleas you strip away her ridiculous, garish and leafy outfit in one practiced motion.

"What about saving the world?"

"Daft elf, I don't care about saving the world, I just want to love you tenderly!"

Hefting her up you impale her upon your titanic meat caber, the shocked elf crying out in that high pitched way just like in your bootlegged animes with the original nippon voice acting.

"N-nooooo, i'm going to break, I'm going crazy, your dick is driving me crazy, kyaaaaaaaa!"

cont.

File: 1354319897511.gif-(349 KB, 260x400, 1353283870997.gif)

>>21826565
Don't give on OP yet. I have faith in him.

>>21826606
After a mere two hours of thrusting, you are finally done, erupting in a deadly apocalyptic volcano of bodily fluids the likes of which have not been seen since the infamous pompeii orgy.

The insensate elf is launched some twenty feet into the air, landing in a sticky puddle of spent lust.

"I-I love you Murdo McRitchie" she whispers, before collapsing into dick-addled unconsciousness.

When she wakes up, you'll have to ask her if there are more beautiful women in this world who have never known a Scottish touch.

You are now alone in a forest clearing with a jizz-covered elf.

Wat do?

>>21826021
[x] Tender scottish rape.

>N: If you want the real explanation or the "good route" you can read it on anonkun.com. /tg/ is heading down a different route.

With your swiss army knife still pointed at her vitals, you start groping her.

She turns her head slightly, revealing to you the fine side of her neck.

Her expression, and her resigned behavior takes you by surprise. As you move your hands over her body, your aggression fades, and the only thing left is tenderness.

Carefully, and with your weapon still in place, you undress her and reveal your "other" weapon. The two of you make love in the shade.

[ ] "Who are you"

>>21826606
Fuck it, it's on now.

>>21826565
I was going to wait until Rum hit the good spot and get on writing, but...
>>21826606
>>21826614
This bastard got there first. Welsh fucker, I bet.

>>21826632
The Muse hit me, mainly because I have also been drinking.

>>21826614
Take over the world.

>>21826632
>Welsh fucker, I bet
I don't think sheep can write.

>>21826614
Notice how the treetops look like green sheep and get nostalgic.
Fuck the trees, man. Fuck the trees.

Totally late for the whole name thing, but...
Anon O'Nonally.

File: 1354320117021.jpg-(16 KB, 255x255, 1353297982148.jpg)

>>21826606
>>21826614
My sides have entered low-orbit. Great christ, is english really your third language? And if so, how often do you write elf-rape stories?

>>21826623
Demand the land's women. All women belong to Scottish Rance.

>>21826658
No, it's my first language, I ninja'd the other fellow.

>>21826614
>What would rance do?
Get cleaned up and have the elf tell us about more about the locals

>>21826623
I am coll McDugal, electrical engineer.

>>21826675
Ah. Well played, in any event.

>>21826623
Details?

>>21826642
Fellow consumer of alcohol, eh? All is forgiven. Kinda felt that I was going to go on and write anyway, but OP came back already. With fade to black, but that happens.

>>21826623
Only one choice, man? That won't do, atl.

>>21826623
[x] "Join me on my quest to conquer whatever the hell this place is"
Who cares about her name. She automatically gets a unit of soldiers out of nowhere when we're done raping her, right?

>>21826623
Tasteful
>>21826606
>>21826614
Delightfully silly.

A++, both of you, you are both my african-american(or alternate nationality therein) aquaintences of quite some regard.

>>21826701
She gets a units of Scottish sheep buggers, who then rape her, and so on and on and on...
Soon, everything will be just like in Scotland.
You can almost hear the bagpipes.

Oh god damn it, you're kidding me. Half of this quest has been dictated already by some faggy /a/ website.

>>21826697
>http://www.angelfire . com/empire/serpentis666/Incubus.html HAVE SEX WITH DEMONS
>incubus
>male demon
You're targeting the wrong audience, bro.

Wait, what's this?
>Also now join us on le Reddit: http://www.reddit.com/r/spiritualsatanism/
Welp, nevermind, my mistake.

>>21826623
>N: You would be the one saying "Who are you." You have a chance to ask her some different questions, or take another action that doesn't involve talking.
>I generally only ever give one choice, because having multiple choices invite people to not think and just choose one of the available ones. But I always mean choice + custom and always forget to write [ ] custom.

>>21826730
It's spam man. I think it's our equivalent of /jp/'s "laughing...peed a little" spam.

>>21826734
So we reenacting Sengoku Rance or what?

>>21826769
No anon, we are reimagining.

>>21826757
I've been to /jp/ once, for 2 minutes, so I have no idea as to what you are talking about.

But, yeah, I think I saw this already on this board.

>>21826769
Not familiar with it. Probably not.

>>21826686
I don't do hentai.

>>21826802
It's something that gets spammed, that's all that you should know. You intelligence will drop if you dig deeper.

>>21826734
Do you have any more pics like the first two?

>>21826623
[X] Who are you and where can I find others like you?

>My additional posts are moving on their own!

Sometime later the elf regains consciousness, staggering to her feet, still dazed from the divine dicking she was blessed enough to receive.

To her shock, the forest clearing looks as if an invading army has rampaged through as she slept, what few trees are left standing are riddled with thick holes seeping a familiar whitish fluid.

"M-Murdo-kun?" she asked tentatively, as she catches sight of you standing proudly amidst your handywork.

"Just call me Lord McRitchie, and come help me pull all these splinters out of my dick."

Two dozen splinters later, you take a seat on a treestump and quiz the elf, whom you have learned is named Leafy (fukken elves).

"Alright Leafy, I don't care about any ultimate evil, I want to know where the most beautiful women of the land can be found, for soon they shall all be mine!"

"B-but Murdo-ku- uh, Lord Ritchie, I love you."

cont.

Just ask her who she is, where we are and why she is trying to solve her problems by summoning randoms dudes who may or may not be potential rapists instead of, you know, fighting and researching combat spells.

>>21826849
"Be that as it may, you arboreal jizz-receptacle, I cannot be tied to just one woman, the pride of Clan Ritchie would not allow it, now tell me, where in this strang eland can I find the hottest of bitches?"

Leafy opens her mouth to object, but she has already fallen beneath the vast hypnotic power of your sausage behemoth.

"I understand, Lord Ritchie. They say that the daughter of Emperor Evilguy English is the most beautiful in all the kingdoms, but you could never claim her, Emperor English has the largest army in all the world."

You bellow with laughter, this sounds like a challenge, and with Mel Gibson as your witness, your quest for some fine imperial ass will not be denied!

Wat do?

>>21826862
Find a country and conquer it, and then declare war.

>>21826862
Get a semi-sentient magical sword and some armor.

>>21826862
Use dick as pole vault.
It should land you in the young princess' quarters.

>>21826862
>Evilguy English

Hey, it's almost the same as what I was thinking and I didn't even need to write anything! Good form, I'm going to just drink the rum.

File: 1354321277495.jpg-(125 KB, 780x629, 1277246963847.jpg)

>>21826862
THE FUCKING ENGLISH ARE HERE?

THIS WILL NOT STAND. GRAB A LOG TO HURL AT THEIR CASTLES. WHEREVER THAT IS.

>>21826623
Let's try to move the story forward.

[X] Custom - "Wow. That... That was strange. I must be dreaming, these things don't usually happen to me."

>>21826938
>these things usually don't happen to me

You slap yourself this very instant! If Lord Murdo McRitchie's dick isn't buried in some not-exactly-consenting female, well, it must be time for the end of days.

>>21826982
Yeah but usually the female is some kind of Earth creature.

>>21826982
Female?
Lord Murdo fucks EVERYTHING.
HE EVEN FUCKS GOLDFISHES.
GOLD. FUCKING. FISHES.

>>21827011
Goldfishes forget everything in under a minute, so not worth our time.

>>21827004
Touché

>>21827004
You didn't hear about his adventures in space?

>>21827034
Why do you think the moon has craters?

>>21827034
Lord Murdo McRitchie fights the Space Englishmen is a best selling novel.

>>21827026
Oh no.
They remember this motherfucker. Forever.
If you get raped by a dude who just pole vaulted to your location by dick, would you ever forget?
Or would you hold that memory close to your heart, as a mother holds her child?

>>21827058
I'd forget.
I'm good at suppressing unwanted memories.
Really good.

>>21826889
>>21826891
>>21826904
>>21826915

Right, conquering an Empire and having sex with the Emperor's daughter in front of him while he weeps bloody tears of vengeance and posts about it on his livejournal is a complex process, and there are certain stages to go through.

"Alright Leafy, I'm going to need a few things. One: Some Armour, just the top half mind you, I don't want that shit interfering with my kilt."

Leafy nods in the manner of some pointy eared and perpetually aroused car ornament dog. "Okay Lord Ritchie, that should be easy enough."

"Two, I'm going to need a semi-sentient magic sword to bounce witty dialogue off, since you're most likely going to have my cock in your mouth too often to get up a good repartee."

"R-right...um..."

"Three, Going to need a kingdom, there one around here I can take?"

"Uh...Well, there's the magical and mysterious elven city of Sparkletree, it's my home, maybe they have a magic sword too."

cont.

>>21827093
You nod sagely, a city full of elves would be handy to give you a neverending supply of hot elf bitches (and questionably gendered elf "men") to plough during your campaign.

Still, this all feels like it will take far too long.

"You know what, on second thoughts, fuck it, let's do this the simple way!"

You sieze a nearby tree, hurling it into the sky with a roar of "FUCK THE ENGLISH!". The tree, propelled by your steely biceps and hatred of the people who invented cricket, quickly vanishes from sight like some sort of lumber-based team rocket extra.

cont.

File: 1354322219238.jpg-(11 KB, 389x324, 1351196420166.jpg)

>>21827077
What kind of unwanted memories?

>>21827105
You take a run up, launching your dick downwards in an attempt to pole vault to the heavens and jizz in the eye of Venus, unfortunately your plan hits a slight snag as your leviathan todger sinks into the soft, yielding earth (Gaia, you slut!). Pulling yourself free you realise that no material in this fragile realm of magic and wonder can withstand the raw force of Scottish cock.

"Alright, Sparkletree it is."

So it is that the two of you take off towards the bullshit treehugging city of the Elves.


>Meanwhile, far far away.
Tarquin the royal guard stood atop the battlement of Emperor English's evil fortress, sipping a cup of tea as he dreamed of oppressing other cultures and stealing their superior dentistry.

"Hmm, I certainly do love being evil," he mused, evily.

Then a fucking tree landed on him.

Wat Do?

>>21827107
I dunno.
I told you already, I'm good at this stuff.

>>21827130
Throw leafy over our shoulder, she doesn't walk fast enough and make our way towards Sparkletree.

Lord Murdo McRitchie needs drawfaggotry. His dick demands it. FOR DICK AND CLAN!

FUCK THE ENGLISH!

>>21827105
I can't help but imagine our stalwart rapey hero as the Scotsman from Samurai Jack.
Be sure to meet with aforementioned samurai, get some beer and fuck some bitches.

>>21827147
I can do dat. Rum is amazing like that. Inspires my drawings. I think.

>>21827134
Are you generally good at forgetting things?
Just wondering because I'm terrible at it.
I commonly remember stuff years after other people have forgotten.

>>21827130
Can you use the force of your ejaculation as a rocket boost?
If so, you know what to do.

>>21827174
I know more than one mind trick, mostly developed to keep my mind focused on whatever I want it to be focused on.
Forgetting unwanted memories, breaking a line of though, calling out memories, switching moods around etc.
My ability to memorize isn't far above average, though. I still don't know any way to reliably retain knowledge other than studying.

>>21827145
Nah, we're not in a hurry.
She's our elf now, so ask her about what skills she has. Other than recieving hot dickings, ofc.

>>21827194
Mid-air, high-five Odin.

>>21827147
It must be a picture of him with a not-quite-consenting female elf of questionable age lodged firmly onto his dick. As mentioned above, I also see him to be not unlike the scotsman of samurai repute.

>>21827252
I'd rather get a conan the barbarian type picture.

File: 1354323402438.jpg-(86 KB, 400x400, 30621480 (1).jpg)

>>21827252
>>21827364

>>21827145
>>21827194
Since Leafy is slow as fuck (through no fault of her own, really, considering the god-slaying force her narrow elven vagina was recently subjected to) you throw her over your shoulder and break into a run.

"Alright Leafy, I know you can take a mean cock, after all you took mine, but what other skills do you have. You're an elf, so I'm assuming you can do shit like shoot bows and be one with nature, right?"

"That's racist, Lord Ritchie!" the moonlight prancing flower enthusiast whines.

"So what DO you do?"

"W-well, um, I'm a skilled archer, and I can speak with the spirits of the fores...aww."

"Don't take it so hard, Leafy, it's not your fault your a tolkeinesque stereotype. Now which way is it to Sparkletree?"

Her directions are pretty shit, I mean how are you supposed to tell one tree from another without bullshit elf tree magic, but still, you feel like you're making pretty good time.

cont.

>>21827395
As long as it does our glorious kilted lord justice, I shan't complain.

>>21827424
Suddenly, an arrow lands by your feet, and you find yourself surrounded by a group of scruffy and not at all bangable bandits, who have apparently decided that the middle of the fucking forest is the best place to set an ambush for travellers, these ones won't be joining mensa.

"Stranger, drop your loot and the girl, and maybe we'll let you live," bellows their fatass leader.

You engage in a riveting round of Glasgow Diplomacy in response, implying that his mother's vagina has its own area code and ships in two boatloads of immigrants a day.

The bandits charge, apparently unaware of the simple and obvious fact that you are a fucking badass.

"Leafy," you shout in a commanding tone which would make William Wallace give you a thumbs up, "I'm going to rocket boost!"

"W-what?"

"ROCKET BOOST ME, LEAFY!"

>>21827436
The bandit charge slows to a halt as they watch in a mixture of confusion and horror as you assume the flight position, and your pet elf jerks you off with furious abandon.

With a roar of triumph, you are launched skywards unto the heavens, high-fiving some Scandinavian one-eyed dude on a cloud on the way past.

The bandits scream as they are liberally doused in your salty ambrosia, flailing ineffectually against the wriggling tide.

You slam back to the earth, knocking the bandit in charge to the ground.

"ARE YOU THE LEADER?" you roar, like a Nolan Batman making a friendly request of a lollipop lady.

"No, I swear, I'm not!"

"IS THE LEADER A TANNED, BUSTY AND JUST SLIGHTLY MUSCULAR BUT NOT IN A GROSS WAY BANDIT WOMAN?"

"how did you know?"

"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"

"okay, I will, I swear, sweet fantasy not-jesus, please don't kill me," he sobs, as he scrambles to his feet.

You soon find yourself in a clearing, facing the previously described woman.

wat do?

>>21827436
> "Drop the girl."
Isn't she still flying from when you threw her?

>>21827461
She's wherever you want her to be, time and space matter not to Lord Murdo Ritchie.

>>21827452
Add her and her unit of bandits to your army. You know how that works by now.

>>21827452
Use the hypno-dick, of course.
Get into a threesome with her and leafy.
Then, take all the gold and equipment you can find laying around that isn't covered in semen. That would be nothing, I guess?

>>21827478
McRitchie. Man, I'm the one drinking the rum. You aren't allowed to make such mistakes if i still manage without them.

>>21827452
"Hey there lady.

Now I'm going to be kinda blunt, your men are kinda dumb. Seriously, no tactics at all. But if you and your men stick with me and listen to me you'll get a decent chunk of Sparkletree, I bet your men would love all the elven women there, not to mention the riches and luxury you'll get from this.

Now to finalize this agreement we have to have extremely kinky sex, it's part of the rules. Don't blame me, I just follow the rules, I didn't make them."

>>21827497
> laying
God damn Murdo Ritchie, look what you made me do!

>>21827452
Begin the Horde. We're going to Genghis Khan this world.

>>21827478
That's Lord Murdo MCritchie, glorious writefag.
Also
>high-fiving some scandinavian one-eyed dude on a cloud on the way
That is beautiful and you should feel awesome.

>>21827499
>>21827537
Now to be fair I have also been drinking, still, I shall be sure and not make that mistake again.

Unless I do.

>>21827558
>>21827497
Apparently, McRitchie Is so awesome that even grammar got fucked.

Drop this in story - make everyone around him unable to speak proprely.
Properly.

God damn it, McRitchie, stop being so awesme.
Awesome.

Damn it.

>>21827497
>>21827500
>>21827529
"The fuck is this, Brent, what's going on? Where are the boys, and why are you all sticky and funky-smelling?" the Bandit Woman asks as she looks upon her sobbing second-in-command, at least for the split second she manages to tear her gaze away from your pork tarrasque as it bobs majestically in the breeze.

"Listen up lady, your men are dumb, and you set up a bandit operation miles nowhere near a major trading route. This says to me that you need new leadership, like my leadership!" You state, dropping the dazed Leafy to the ground, who still seems a bit shocked at having flown above cloud level whilst hanging from the salami express.

"Oh yeah, and what do I get out of this?" the Bandit Woman responds, trying and failing to raise her eyes up to stare you down, before they are snapped back into line with your cock like there's some serious magnetism and sciencey stuff going down.

"I thought you'd never ask..."

cont.

>>21827676
"Wait a minute, I'm as strong independent bandit woman who don't need no ma-aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" cries the bandit leader as she is foisted atop the pillar of sexual fury.

You proceed to pound that finely toned and tanned ass for many an hour as you enjoy the contrast of her colossal bandito bosoms against Leafy's delicious flat elven chest.

When you are done you realise that somehow Lord Murdo McRitchie has added one squad of slightly-soiled bandits to his army, led by the Bandit Captain Tara (it says so right there in your inventory screen).

You consider swiping some armour from their camp, but, well, it's all kind of creamy...

WAT DO!?

>>21827676
By the god of somewhat-less-than-lawful hot dickings, will the synonyms for penis ever end? I doubt I could think of so many. You're uncanny.

It's amazing.

>>21827683
Collect our bandits and our bitches and head to Sparkletree, if there's a convenient hotspring, river or anything like that on the way we should have everyone take a bath.

>>21827683
> Open inventory.
> Right click on Leafy and Tara.
> Select "Clean Jizz by Tongue".
> Wait for some time while they finish.
> Collect loot.
> Profit, I guess?

>>21827683
Ask newly acquired ally-of-the-dick to lead you to sparkletree post haste.

>>21827683
Head to the nearest town the Legion must grow.

>>21827714
>>21827717
>>21827726
You spend some time getting to grips with the poorly designed user interface which has taken up residence in your subconscious. Eventually you find the option and give it a good hard right-clicking.

"Leafy, Tara, take a seat and listen up."

Cock-enthusiast one and two quickly comply, gazing up at you with rapt attention like you were some kind of pornographic santa and it was christmas night.

"Loot is the second most essential thing for conquest, right after hot bitches, but sticky loot is worthless. So get on it, going to need that loot licked spotless and in prime resale condition."

"B-but Lord McRitchie, that could take hours," whines Leafy, as Tara pouts in what the terminology of the orient has dubbed a "Tsundere" manner.

"Oh I see, well that's fine, I guess if you think you're too good to lick my delicious, salty jizz off of an entire camps worth of loot, that's fine..."

The two women don't even hesitate.

cont.

>>21827899
Two hours later Leafy and Tara sit at the center of a pile of the most sparkly loot you ever did see, so sparkly that a passing crow smacks into a tree as its vision is cruelly robbed from it by the reflective glory of the twin-bitch-tongue-bath the bandit's treasure has received.

"I'm so full," Leafy moans, holding her stomach.

"Right, nothing works off a big meal like conquest, so on to Sparkletree, going to get me some of that clean elven arse Winthrop was always on about," you state, making an obscure reference to an old rpg like some Scottish neckbeard extraordinaire.

"First though, let's stop at a river, or a hot spring, this anime-inspired world has those, right? We need to get the troops cleaned up before they get crusty...crustier."

Leafy gasps with joy, back in her element at last. "Yes, I know a hot spring just near here, are we going to have some awkward romantic comedy situations?" she asks, hopefully.

cont.

>>21827915
You laugh and pat her on the head. "Well sure, Leafy, if by awkward romantic comedy situations you mean a good hard fucking, then we'll have the most awkward romantic comedy situations that have ever existed in the history of glorious nippon."

One hot springs episode and some double-teaming of your dick later, you see the spires of Sparkletree towering in a phallic and overcompensatory way above the treeline. Poor elves, their magical towers of alabaster will shrivel before the might of your [meat/d&d monster penis analogy missing].

"Okay Leafy, what sort of defences does this city have? Walls? Guards? What?"

"Walls aren't natural," Leafy explains, shaking her head.

"See this is why your race is always dying out in fantasy fiction."

"We have guards though, we have Elven Archers, and Elven Rangers," Leafy explains, giving you the rundown of your standard elf army that everyone has seen before.

Wat do?

>>21827922
Fuck everyone in the town. Can't tell which ones are the women with elves anyway.

>>21827922
Have her take us to her leader and the it's time for "There can only be One!"

>>21827922
Draw the elves' attention by doing the "WHOOP WHOOP" thing.

You know the one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wxnv2vtyFpk

>>21827922
Have her lead us and our band of men to the princess, she can vet us, and we can say that we'll keep them safe from whatever enemy hordes are no doubt threatening their existence, and then we fuck the princess and build a wall.

>>21827922
These elves are always on about knowledge and academics and such. Have leafy lead you to the university or whatever so that the you may spread the knowledge of your dick.

>>21827939
>>21827946
>>21827969
>>21827986
"Okay Leafy, take me to the Elf princess," you command, preparing Jormangandr the Cock of Ragnarok for action.

"Uh, we don't have a princess, we have a queen though,"

"Okay Leafy, and do you know this Queen?"

"Well sure, she's my mother," Leafy explains, beaming in the manner of one who still hasn't realised the direction this conversation is about to take.

"Tell me Leafy, how do you feel about Mother-Daughter Incestuous threesomes?"

"Um, not good."

"Really good, you say, well that's a relief," you laugh, rejecting this reality and substituting your own.

"Even if we've got the elf, I doubt they'll let the rest of us just walk in," Tara states, having realising how little dialogue she got in the last series of posts.

"Fear not, my Bandit Titty-monster, I have a plan."

cont.

>>21828216
Morningdew sat on the edge of the city, looking out across the beauty of nature. A lone deer made its skittish way between the trees, chewing on a tuft of grass. Nothing could spoil such a perfect morning.

Suddenly, the deer's ears pricked up, and it darted away through the undergrowth. Morningdew grew concerned, straining her ears towards the silent forest.

*WHOOP WHOOP*

What WAS that?

*WHOOP WHOOP*

There it was again, Morningdew wondered if she should run back into the city and report to the guard, but her curiosity got the better of her.

*WHOOP WHOOP*

Suddenly a human man burst from the undergrowth, flanked by a human woman and an elf woman (was that the princess?) as they ground up against him in a lewd fashion. He swaggered with the aid of some gold-topped cane towards the stunned Morningdew.

He didn't even break his stride as he scooped her up and plunged her down upon his 30 hitdice Great Wyrm.

cont.

>>21828224
The Elven defenses quickly crumbled, sure some fought back, but they only managed to kill shitty nameless bandits who weren't hot, so Lord McRitchie didn't give a fuck.

He made a roundabout journey through the city, rampaging through the Great Library of Sparkletree and bringing long overdue dickings to the shy, bespectacled elven scholars and mages therein.

Finally he stood before the throne of Sparkletree, the beautiful and graceful Elven queen sat before him atop her glowing throne, her face the very picture of regal dignity.

"Leafy, what are you doing?" she asked, Leafy still grinding against you, having apparently not realised the song ended about half an hour ago.

"O-oh, hi ma, um, listen, this may sound weird, but, um, my new boyfriend is conquering the city, also he wants to...um... romance you."

"I warned you about summoning up heroic warriors from other dimensions, didn't I, what did I say?"

cont.

>>21828236
"Make sure theyve never played any hentai games, or they'll just go on a rape rampage instead of doing anything useful. Im sorry mom."

"Well don't think I'll be such easy prey, human, I'll save my daughter from your villainous clutches and bring peace back to the... wait where did he go?"

During her long discussion with her daughter, which apparently she expected Lord Murdo McRitchie to just stand around like a useless Shounen protagonist piece of shit through, McRitchie had already ascended the steps to her throne, and before she could do any magical elf bullshit he flipped her sparkling gown up over her head and went to down on that fine queenly pussy. Then Leafy joined in, and shit got wierd for them, and much much better for Lord Ritchie.

"Right, that's that, now get your men to go build some walls or something, that shit is just plain undefensible," you proclaim from your new throne, as the Elf Queen Meridia attempts to give orders while being dicked, hard.

Wat do?

>>21828224
>30 hitdice GreatWyrm
And like that, it's as if sides never even existed.

>>21828216
>We don't have a princess
>The Queen is my mother
Is... is Leafy a dude?

>>21828281
Leafy has achieved an elven gender singuluarity.

>>21828252
Send declaration of war to Evilguy English, in case he thought that one tree killing that guy was just a freak accident or something. Fuckin' english.

Make your way to next area of bitches/soldiers to conquer. How about some solid dwarf chicks?

I might have to call it a night I'm afraid, trampling all over someone elses quest thread for my own sick amusement is tiring shit, and it's now 2.15am in my villainous English homeland.

I would make this a one-off thing, but goddamnit I'm just having too much fun.

McRitchie Quest will return, next time I'm drunk, and next time it'll have Solid Dwarf Chicks, fear not loyal reader >>21828330

>>21828252
clearly we must institute hilariously distopian and sexist laws strait out of a B list hentia movie while simultaneously providing ludicrously effective governance

File: 1354329918437.jpg-(1.36 MB, 1920x3000, Kilted bastsarrd.jpg)

>>21828377
Fucck me I can't ven remember Mcrhitchies first name. Here be a picture.of a Scottish bastard.

Fucck you captcha. you cz swill not defeat me!

>>21828691
it reminds me of Khan. I like it!

>>21828727
Good

I foiughlt with captha for bloody forever to get that >>21828727
cture up. got constantly "catpcha wrong" after waiting, an wating for 100% percent on the upoload.

>>21828377
u are a hero to derail this shitty quest so Awesomely.

>>21828377
You have voiced a legend this fine evening. Your heritage is of no import to me.
>>21828691
Lord Murdo McRitchie has a face. And a fine one at that.

I raise my glass to both of you!

>>21828691
How old is Murdo McRitchie?

>>21828861
12.

Went to archive, only to find some glorious bastard had beat me to it! The ballad of Lord McRitchie shall be immortalized on suptg!

>>21828874
>that face
>12
>me choking on good drink

All's right in the world. I'd say he was a strapping lord in his mid-twenties, myself.

File: 1354333750020.jpg-(18 KB, 288x201, 1346973433503.jpg)

Bump so that more may experience the glory of Lord Murdo McRitchie!

bump for the greatest thread on /tg/.

File: 1354377178441.gif-(685 KB, 500x281, 1353196607654.gif)

FUCK THE ENGLISH!

This thread must be archived for the future generations to see.

FUCK THE ENGLISH

This look dangerously similar to that one Summoned Hero Quest from some time ago.

Though this one is actually funny.

this needs archiving stat.

>>21836410
Seconded.

>>21836554
>>21836410
already done

I just suggested that we should be a Scottish dude.
I never expected all this to happen.
I... I feel so proud.

File: 1354385438827.jpg-(84 KB, 675x720, 1327000211385.jpg)

Everything about this thread is win. I can't stop smiling.

bump for great justice.
I hope our adventure continues this night as well.

>>21838989
I'm sure the writefag doesn't get drunk /every/ night.

>>21839178
Still, it would be nice.

>>21839917
Seconded, because the great quest of Lord Murdo McRitchie is a quest of greatness and awesome!