Previous Thread with full previous thread list:

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/21629619/

>I would like to offer my sincere thanks to whoever chose to archive the thread
>I nearly panicked at the thought of losing three days worth of story when the last one 404'd

>>21665666
>[ ] [leave answer up to Johnson or one of the others]
>[ ] [flee from the room screaming at the top of your lungs to go find your precious monstergirls]

[ ] [imbibe liquor]

Rolled 18

>>21665666
>[ ] [flee from the room screaming at the top of your lungs to go find your precious monstergirls]
and
[x]DRINK!

Rolled 8

>>21665666
Bow out to Johnson and return to drink.

Rolled 13

>>21665701
That'd be me. I always check Sup/tg/ for a quest archive once it hits 300 posts (the bump / AutoSage limit) and if there isn't one, I'll add one in. because Sup/tg/ will auto-update new archives every two hours. So all the exposition got in! Yay!

So, yeah - once your thread hits 300 posts, that'd be a good time to archive it, espically if it does do mid afternoon / early evening - the /tg/ 'Murrica prime time.

Anyhoo~.

>[X] [leave answer up to Johnson or one of the others]
We are hobo, and our word is 'Booze'. That said, leave diplomasizing to the diplomancer Johnson. (Also, less fuck ups here, more chance he doesn't kill Minerva out of spite. The spiteful Specops man.)

>[X] [imbibe liquor]
Because Hobo. But do it discreetly.

Rolled 9

>>21666302
ALSO: in case you DO forget to archive the thread, and I'm not around / someone else doesn't do it: archive.foolz.us auto-archives 4chan, all the time. So, if you remember the thread number, or search for your quest title, you CAN get an archive link to toss in your first post. Foolz just isn't as "organized" as Sup/tg/ is, and doesn't offer a ranking system.

That said, go forth Hobos, and up vote this quest! For it is fabulous!

>>21666302
>>21666349
Duly noted. I appreciate all of the info and the saving of the thread.


.....That being said, I didn't expect to see so many "sensible" choices, what with a ll of the rumblings of discontent during the noble's monologues.

Rolled 8

>>21666501
Obviously this dude's an idiot so we've gotta go to the monsters side an sell em on our 'Totally Radical Idea' tm vis a vis world conquest and equality.

Probably because those were internal rumblings, and now that there's a real chance to screw up, we're in full "save the monstergirls" mode. IE, don't fuck this up mon.

Also, no problem with the info - it's stuff I've picked up from being here for a while. I learned about Sup/tg/ here, and about the foolz.us archive from /m/. I'm actually surprised there isn't information about those included in the rules sticky at the top of the board.

I'm at work now, but still here. Please, continue.

I say we imbibe liquor and hope somebody else talks. If they don't by the time we finish offer the noble a slug. Not a shotgun slug. Dont misinterpret that phrase I mean a drink of some hooch.

Well. You can really only agree with yourself on one thing. One thing you should have remembered all along.


......This shit is waaaaaaaaay too serious for you. For real. What the hell even is all this political blahdeblah? Nonononono, you're done here.

"Milord, I believe this proposal would be better handled by my companions here, as they are endowed with more authority than I." You bow low even as your feet continue to scoot you backwards towards the door. "And for that reason, I shall take my leave now."

Reaching the door, you heave it open and whisk yourself through it as fast as you can, slamming it shut behind you. You can't hear any of the conversation on the other side, and you really don't care to at the moment.

Instead, you grab five whole flasks from your sides, jamming them all into your mouth at once as you tilt your head back and guzzle them down. Finishing, you let out a large belch. A good belch. It lasts almost twenty seconds.

Now. Onto more important business.

"ZUUUUUUUUULIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" You scream, sprinting down the hallway as fast as your hobo legs can carry you.

[Roll 1d20 for effectiveness of monstergirl internal radar]

Rolled 10

>>21666771
Even if this is a 20 I know we are still getting lost.

Rolled 7

>>21666780
HORSE POWERS ACTIVATE

Rolled 12

>>21666771

Rolled 9

>>21666771
I swear if I get another eight I'ma turning to drink.

>>21666801
the /tg/ dice mock you.

Rolled 20

>>21666801
...These fuckin dice man. Also wouldn't we be more likely to run into werebat then Zuli?

Rolled 14

>>21666801
thats close enough to drink. Also, why are we trying to find Zuli, she'll probably find us to beat the living shit out of us.
>>21666809
HERESY! WE NEVER ROLL 20S IN HERE

[x]imbibe liquor

Rolled 4

[x] [go RAGE mode on the noble and give him a drunken lecture of fury]
How does letting other people make hard decisions for you seem like a good idea? This guy is one of the prime instigators of monster-girl vs. man, isn't he? Somehow I doubt Johnson would do more than seal the fate of monster-girls dimension wide, this is a pretty important moment in history that we give away here.

>>21666819
While I cannot be sure as to the motives of the mind of Lincoln, I'm going to venture a guess and say probably because boobs.

>>21666839
Well of course, but all I'm saying is we left a pissed off oni outside, shes gonna come find us to kill us. Und how does zat make you fheeeeel.

>>21666819
... were you here last thread we had two 20s. That canceled two 1s. It was hilarious

>>21666876
Do you know how many times Hobo king wrote up vore for the threads before that? We literally took all the 1s off of /tg/, thats how many crit failures we had.

>>21666885
I know. I was just say that 20s are know to happen

>>21666899
HERESY.

>>21666905
REVERSE HERESY!

I can only roll above ten when the dice gods think it'd be funny. I've played an entire campaign without rolling above ten in combat but for every throw away roll getting above seventeen.

It's hard to type when I can't stop laughing at the thread. You guys are great, I just want to point that out.

File: 1353400579479.png-(47 KB, 400x400, Heresy_vein-popping.png)

>>21666911

File: 1353401366199.gif-(2.76 MB, 444x250, i'm trying to think you t(...).gif)

>>21666809
FUCK
THERE GOES ALL OUR LUCK
AGAIN

File: 1353401511364.jpg-(62 KB, 500x600, tumblr_m3b0boVCBb1qgnd34o1_500.jpg)

>>21666905
>>21666911
>>21666925

......

File: 1353401692540.jpg-(50 KB, 535x437, 1248790029996.jpg)

>>21666925

>>21667147
Oh god, are minislime girls heretical?

This was funny for a minute but stop shitting up hoboquest. This place is not a 40k imagedump. You guys don't need to lose your shit every time somebody says the trigger word.

>>21667080
*JAM*

--20 MINUTES LATER--

Okay. So. Here. Yeah. Here it is. So. Yeah. The rest of the kitchens? The rest of the kitchens in the castle? Those were totally on fire BEFORE you got near them.

Besides, you're not near them now, so it couldn't have been your fault. Yeeeeeeep.

Though it would be nice if you knew what you WERE near. That would be nice, yessiree.

...........Yeah, fuck, you're lost again. Almost as if it was preordained. What a surprise.

You wander down yet another unmarked hallway, looking left and right for any sign of the exit to this damnable stone prison. Eeeeeegh, this is getting you nowhere. You'll just stick your head out that window over here and see where you are.

You are pleasantly surprised when you come nearly face to face with an airborne figure.

"Moira!"

"L-Lincoln! There you are!" Moira eeps, dipping a bit in altitude from the shock before flapping her way towards you. You back away from the window as she uses her claws to grab the edge of the roof above the window, swinging upside down so that she is framed by the window. It makes her look rather pretty. Though you do wonder how that hat is staying on.

"W-W-We hadn't heard from you in hours! W-Where have you been? W-What happened with the noble?"

"I'll explain everything in a bit, Moira. Right now, I'm just so glad you're here; I've been trying to find my way down to the entrance for forever now."

".........how did you end up on top of the castle's tallest tower then?" Moira asks after blinking a few times.

".............sorcery and black magic."

"......of course."

"ANYWAYHEYLET'S PRETENDI'MNOTLOST. So, where's Zuli? Lopez the soldier went to go find her, but he never came back. Do you know what happened to her?"

Moira's eyes widen beneath her bangs in slight panic. "O-O-Oh dear! I-I knew that man looked familiar! O-O-Oh no! Zuli, she, she---!"

"What!? What did she do!?" You urge her, now worried yourself.

"S-She kind of knocked him out and left him b-by the gate...." Moira finishes in a whisper.

".......Oh. Is that it? Nah, he'll be fine. Probably pissed, but fine. I'll just smooth things over with booze like I always do." You briefly consider feeling concern for the soldier, but you've barely talked to Lopez except when he shoved that bandanna in your mouth, so yeah, fuck that.

"So, where's Zuli at now?"

"E-Erm.........right below us." She says quietly, pointing downward.

>>21667177
don't talk shit about my raifu boy

>>21667186
Eh, castles are stone right? It'll be fine.

"................what?" You ask, disbelief evident in your voice. You move to the window next to Moira's. What you see looking down is enough to make you let out a small squeak of fear.

She's down there, staring up at you. She's down there and oh god you can feel the anger off her gaze from here. How can she still be mad!? SHE PUNTED YOU HALFWAY TO THE MOON DAMMIT!

You have a few options. Sadly, none that you think of can stop Zuli from eventually catching up with you.

>What do?

[ ] [jump from the tower, make Zuli catch us]

[ ] [ask Moira to help us flee via the air]

[ ] [run screaming back into the depth of the castle for safety]

[ ] [imbibe liquor]

[ ] [other]

>>21667200
[] Ask Moira POLITELY to fly us down to Zuli
[]imbibe liquor
[]tell zuli about Lord Faggot's plans
[]imbibe liquor

>>21667200
[ ] [imbibe liquor]
[ ] [ask Moira to help us flee via the air]
[ ] [imbibe liquor while Moira helps us flee via the air]

>>21667200
>[ ] [imbibe liquor]
>[ ] Ask Moira how she keeps her hat on
>[ ] [jump from the tower, make Zuli catch us]

>>21667220
ooo I really want to know how she keeps her hat on. Maybe theres some trick with the ears.

>>21667224
My guess, minislimes.

>>21667237
But I thought all the slimes dissolved people in this setting??

Rolled 8

>>21667200
K, I'm back Hoboking, and I have my own booze, I shall be joining you with the following lincon in his drinkingventures!

[ ] [imbibe liquor]
[ ] [jump from the tower, make Zuli catch us]

I also make the best descisions!

>>21667250
We currently have a minislime in our nostril, if memory serves.

>>21667220
The only plausible course of action.

>>21667258
Which we keep placated with booze.

>>21667213
I'll second this.

>>21667224
While 'trick with the ears' is cute, she probably just uses bobby pins / hat pins. If they have books, they have paper makers, and if they make paper, they have people making wire. So, 80% chance she pins it i to place to keep it on while she flies.

>>21667311
Why you gotta ruin the moe. You and your damn logic. Stop that.

>>21667333
Cue Beneditican Chant:
Dum ego etiam sicut cute quod
Nos confratribus remanere debet strenuorum
Et fundare consiliorum nostrorum super scientia Aliud non erat habiturus liquor
Amen

Well, waiting on this decision is only going to give Zuli time to smash her way up to you, and that's the LAST thing you want. If you're going to get punched, you don't want to have to deal with fall damage too.

"Moooooiiiiiraaaaaaaa. Can you please help me get down from here? Pretty please? It would help me ever so mu----"

"LINCOLN, GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW OR I WILL FORCE FEED YOU YOUR OWN DICK!" Zuli's voice booms up at you from down below. Well, guess you're all out of time! Only one thing to do.

"Welp, meet you down there, Moira. You'll have to let me know how you keep that hat on." You take another swig from one of your flagons.

"W-W-W-Wait! W-What are you----"

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!' You scream as your hurl yourself at Zuli from the top of the tower. "CATCH ME ONI GIRL! CATCH ME WITH YOUR BOOBS!"

Zuli, looking both angry and panicked, rushes underneath you as you approach the ground. She snatches you out of the air with a flying leap, sending you both rolling until you are both left sprawled out on the ground.

......with her straddling you. Awwwwwww yeeeeeaaaa---GGGGHHHHHK! CHOKING! CHOKING! NOT GOOD!

"Zgggghhhhhhliiiiii!' You choke out at Zuli attempts to crush your throat, jerking your head back in forth wildly.

"You fucking IDIOT! Who the hell jumps from a goddamned tower after going missing for three hours!?!? What the HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"

Well, you'd point out that currently choking is one of them, but you're more concerned with trying to breath.

>>21667426
stop ruining Catholicism for me too. If you take out cyberunk and l5r I won't have anything to live for.

>mean ydrawyee
yes captcha that weabwyee is rather mean

You do manage a weak gurgle, followed by a sharp gasp and rapid breathing as she.....lets go? Wait a sec.

.........What the fuck? Is she.......crying?

You can't really tell very well, because from that snarl on her lips she sure as hell looks ready to kill you. But she's not looking at you, and those eyes certainly look wet.

Holy crap, what the hell. You can deal with an angry red oni to tease just fine, but a crying one? Nonononono, this was not what you signed on for.

Not to mention if you accidentally say something too sappy in this case, her hug might crush you to death.

>What do?

[ ] [attempt to determine what the falling fuck she's upset about]

[ ] [comfort her with HOBO SUAVE]

[ ] [ask Moira for a feminine touch with the helpy bits]

[ ] [offer her a drink]

[ ] [imbibe liquor]

[ ] [other]

>>21667535
>[ ] [offer her a drink]
>[ ] [imbibe liquor]

>>21667535
>[ ] [offer her a drink]
>[ ] [imbibe liquor]

>>21667535
[ ] [offer her a drink]

[ ] [imbibe liquor]

[ ] [give her a hug]

>>21667512
Please see http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=beQNAJ9P7Wc

I was actually making a joke about the church being the entire reason things like science, industry, computers, and liquor even exist now. See above youtube video to see what I mean.

It'll also give you a fair idea of the level of tech and industry in this crazy world, sans monstergirls. Man, why couldn't we have had monstergirls?

>>21667535
Offer her a drink. Drink some yourself. Three hours is not a long time jesus woman pull yourself together.

>>21667593

This. Oh my yes.

[X] [booze solves everything]

Well, only one way to actually deal with this problem.

"Uhhhh, Zuli?" You hesitantly reach up and tap her on the shoulder, and she turns to glare at you once more. You hold up one of your hip flasks.

"Want a drink?" You ask, hoping she doesn't decide to bludgeon you with it instead.

She stares at you for a moment, before snatching the flask from you and tossing it back with one smooth motion. You sneak a drink or two of your own while she's doing so; every moment could be your last with this nutty woman.

"Soooooooo..........crying. Yeah. Not used to that. May I ask why?"

Zuli glowers at you for a moment, before clambering off of you. Grabbing your hand, she hoists you upright, leaving you scrambling not to fall over again from the momentum. You stare at her, as she's currently boring a hole in the ground with her gaze. Holy crap, you were gone for three hours, how clingy is this woman?

"You know, I was only gone for three hours, you don't have to worry THAT much...." You force a smirk, making an obligatory grab for her tits. She proceeds to punch you in the face, proving that at least THAT part of her is still consistent. Peachy.

".......not that. Perverted ass." She mutters. Still refusing to meet your gaze. Though you can't blame her; it'd be hard to meet a gaze that is currently still crosseyed from being PUNCHED IN THE FACE

"......sister." Wait, what? You can't have heard that right.

"What was that, Zuli?"

".....I said, I had a sister."

Uh oh. This does NOT bode well for a start to this conversation.

>>21667732
inb4 she was a blue oni

>>21667768
Jokes on you it was actually a cyan oni

Rolled 13

>>21667732
Wrap her in our arms, Give her a hug of reassurance.

Then, when her head is on our shoulder, Grab her Butt.

>>21667873
No no, put our head between her boobs and grab her butt.

"Soooooo, a sister, eh? She as hot as you? More importantly, is she interested in incest?" You wiggle your eyebrows, determined to not let this conversation get serious before it has to. Alas, your efforts are in vain.

"I don't know. I haven't seen her in ten years." Zuli says hollowly. You frown at the sudden departure of her attitude.

".........well, that doesn't make any sense. Why not go visit her?"

"She's probably dead at this point. And I wouldn't know wear to look even then. It's not like there aren't many blue onis in the world." She then finally looks at you, fixing you with a dark gaze. She looks almost empty. It chills you to the bone.

"Dead!? Well, that just sound pessimistic as all hell. Why the fuck would she be dead!?" You take a swig from your flask.

"She was sold into slavery by a noble."

You spit the alcohol out of your mouth like it was made of cyanide.

"WHAT!?!?!?" You scream, your voice echoing off the castle walls.

"We were just kids then. Twins. It was odd to have a mixed color pair of twins, so we were a bit of a local curiosity in the small village where we lived. Most of the villagers just gawked when they saw us, as we lived on the edge of the village and didn't cause any problems. But one of the gawkers included a noble in the kingdom's high court, who happened to be passing through that day. They took her. In the middle of the night. My mom tried to defend us, but she was just one oni, and her husband was a just a regular human male. She died in front of me as I watched from the window; I had gone outside to go to the bathroom. And I heard my sister screaming as they dragged her off. I never saw her again."

Rolled 5

>>21667877
We won't get a chance. We need the reversal, or she'll just punch us before we get to the grabbing.

>>21667877
No no, put our dick between her legs and grab her arms.

Zuli says all of this with a blank face. No tears, no emotion. Just......empty. Dead eyes. You've seen eyes like that before, on the streets of New Orleans. Those are they eyes of someone who knows hope isn't coming, but lives on out of spite.

You step cautiously and deliberately, until you've positioned yourself in front of Zuli. She's still staring at you blankly. It's like she barely even registers that you're there.

You take a deep breath and decide to finally place a bet on the table in this ridiculous game.

You wrap your arms around her in a hug,

She does nothing at first. Minutes pass, but you don't move. You want to do something for her, dammit, and this is all your stupid hobo brain can think of right now.

"I didn't want it to happen again."

"Huh?" You incline your head upwards slightly, as she IS still a few inches taller than you. She continues to stare off into the distance.

"The death. The disappearing. I didn't want it to happen again. I didn't want you to vanish like my sister. Like so many others. When you didn't come out for so long......." She trails off, beginning to shake.

You give her a little squeeze of reassurance, and that's all it takes. She lowers her head to your shoulder, and begins to quietly sob.

>>21667899
>blue oni
You misspelled cyan.

>cyanide
well you got it right here... Another shot may clear this up for me.
Also how is this related to us being missing 3 hours.... shes probably not done talking...

She's blaming herself. Even if she hates you, she's torturing herself over the thought that she could have led someone else to that fate.

................well, you'll just have to give her someone else to blame, then.

You move your hands down her back to her ass, and give an almighty squeeze.

"HONK." You exclaim happily.

..........

You feel the hug turn to crushing pressure quite quickly.

The next ten minutes can only be described through a series of screams set to the Imperial Death March.

[roll 1d100 to determine the extent of horrible bruising]

Rolled 86

>>21667951
1 inbound!

Rolled 72

>>21667951
low is good right?

Rolled 99

>>21667951
One day she may understand that our gropings are the only way we can show affection.

Rolled 76

>>21668001
>>21667972
>>21667966
...
If low is good we're going to have punctured lungs from our ribs snapping.

Alright guys, I'm crashing hard at the moment, so I have to take another sleep break. I don't like it, but better I warn you beforehand than just suddenly drop off the face of the thread.

I'll let you all know how many broken bones and ruptured organs Lincoln has when I wake up.

Feel free to roll a few more times for fun.

Rolled 7

>>21668082
Nooo! Curse you hoboking!

Why won't Zuli return our affections? What more does she want?

Rolled 81

>>21668098
Almighty dice gods, stop being a dick!

Rolled 41

>>21668566
Another roll, another bump!

Rolled 60

Just got caught up from the archives... Love the quest so far, this is the first one where I don't even care if we roll shitty because it's hilarious

Rolled 42

What's a few broken ribs between drinking buddies.

Rolled 41

>>21668098
Her sister maybe? Eh should be fine all we need to do is find her long lost sister with our mystic hobo powers. We have those right?

Rolled 88

>>21672173
We held off a group of soldiers through dumb luck and drunken shuffling, so we'll find her sister through more of the same.

>>21671640

And just like that, you understand the entire point of the quest.

Yeeeeeep, the OP has finally awoken from another of his thousand-hour slumbers. As soon as I get this laptop part replaced, I'll resume posting as normal. in the meantime, I'll try to post from my phone; no promises about speed, though.

>>21672385
He hath returned!

Rolled 73

>>21671640
You! Welcome to the insanity!

>>21672385
You! Make with more insanity!

I new staying up to make some cinnamon raisin bread was a wise call. It lead to entertainment!

File: 1353441603960.jpg-(591 KB, 1900x1072, 3.jpg)

Rolled 23

>>21672385
Which of these suits is the closest to what Zuli is wearing?

Rolled 3

>>21672740
Personally, I can easily see her in the suit on the left. It's dandy-rific.

Rolled 4

>>21672385
FOR VALAHR

Y'know, I like this quest because it isn't trying to be a serious story, It's just the tale of a hobo groping his way through monstergirl land, solving problems with booze. It's so...relaxed, no one is flaming anyone else and even badly rolled dice are something to look forward to.

Trying to post, but my phone is being a dick. It may have to wait a few minutes more until my laptop is finished.

Well, you're no mathematician, but if you had to guess, you'd have to say that you've received about 63.83 (repeating of course) bruises on the various parts of your body.

Which, in layman's terms, translates to OH GOD EVERYTHING HURTS.

You lay in a crumpled heap about
ten feet up the castle wall, Zuli having somehow managed to punch you hard enough to lodge you into the stone. You're not really sure how. You're just thankful that it was mostly the stone crumbling instead of you. You'd be more thankful if gravity would just let you stay up here forever. Alas, it is not to be, and you slide out of the crate, crashing to the ground below.

Zuli towers over your crumpled form. If murder could be a facial expression, she would be wearing it right now. Looks kinda hot too, though.

"EVERY. TIME. LINCOLN.". She spits out every word. "I let my guard down for ONE MINUTE, and you use it to grope me. Have you no SHAME? No DECENCY!? WHAT SORT OF A MAN ARE YOU!?". She's screaming now, and you get the inkling that she might be well and truly hurt. As you will apparently continue to be, as she raises her fist to smash your face.

You crack a weak smile. "Well, hey.......". You rasp out. "You're not crying anymore.........heheh........right?". You cough, a few flecks of blood sprinkling the stone beneath you.

Zuli freezes mid-swing. "W-W.....What?". She looks almost unable to comprehend. And a little afraid, for some reason.

"Heheheh........it doesn't suit you.......being sad.......*cough*....you look much prettier.......when you're angry.....". You snicker, even though it hurts.

"I......you......why would you.......". She seems stuck on her own words. Awwwwwww, she looks ready to cry again, she's so confused. That's no good.

"Hey, hey.......I said no crying, right.....?........silly oni girl....." You reach up weakly, barely able to manage the effort of moving it. Mustering all of your strength, your hand trembling, you place your hand on her breast, and give it a light squeeze.

"........Hooooooooooooonk........". You wheeze out with a light giggle.

Your hand then falls as the world fades to black.

>>21673155
Honking till the end.

>>21673155
Whatever the world looks like when we wake up. Even if lord farnsworth is fellating us. The first action we take
>[x] imbibe liquor
Unless zuli is being detained by those dick humans. Then we pick the lock on the faggots hurting our Red Oni. BECAUSE RIGHTEOUS HOBO RAGE!

File: 1353444714575.jpg-(176 KB, 1600x1200, Le Morte.jpg)

Rolled 31

>>21673155
.~HERE LYETH LINCLYN BIZMUTH~.
HONKER OF GREAT STONKING TITS

Watch - Zuli takes Lincoln to a cleric and his crazy hoboness get's cured along with the rest of his injuries because MAGIC.

Or we wake up with General Fucklaw and Captain Johnson both angrily glaring at us at our bedside.

>>21673194
[X]Imbibe Liquor just needs to be automatically assumed at this point. I'm honestly surprised Hobo King hasn't just X'ed it in himself by now.

>>21673288
Look, our mental illnesses get cured we drink Zuli under the table again. Its not that difficult. And do you really think Hobo king would cure the mental illnesses he instilled at character creation?

Rolled 1

>>21673324
>>21673288
>wanting to cure mental illnesses
am
am i reading this right

>>21673336
Here we go again.

>>21673336
...
...
brain vore?

Rolled 25

>>21673346
You sir, have fallen into my trap. My clever, cleaver trap of posting to controversial comments WITH YOUR DICE ON.

HA HA HA!

The only true winner is OP, though.

File: 1353445353460.jpg-(401 KB, 886x561, One of those days....jpg)

Rolled 4

>>21673336

>>21673413
Stop rolling. Just. Stop.

File: 1353445468876.gif-(695 KB, 295x479, 1353312671477.gif)

Rolled 80

>>21673416
NEVER

After Twitter being a shit, and me thinking you'd died, it's great to finally post in a HoboQuest thread myself. I'd like to thank you, Hobo King, for taking the time to write this quest thread, which is without a doubt one of my favourites. Among other things which other Anons have already commented about,I love how right after we met a character named Minerva, a (slime)girl got born out of a guy's head. That's no coincidence, is it?

As for our actions after waking up:

> [X] Imbibe liquor
> [X] Hobo Beard Status Report
How could we've even dreamt of being presentable to Lord Fagsnot, or worse, our monster mistresses, without taking proper care of the Hobo Beard?

Rolled 84

>>21673515
The oldest trick in the book.

Rolled 92

>>21673515
Could... could it be? Is it not the momma?
Also, I believe the Hobo Beard Status is currently: Stubble. Ale soaked. Unwashed. Stubble. They shaved it off only five days ago.

>>21673562
Do you think we could take a feat that improves our hobo beard growing skills?

Rolled 9

>>21673684
This is crazy magical portal land. With monstergirls. They might have instant growth hair tonic. Maybe made for dwarfs of an alchemical nature but prone to fire.

Or dwarf girls who are alchemical in nature but prone to fire.

Rolled 83

>>21673562
Nah, I'm not Papa. What made you think that? It'd be great if he came back, though.

I'm also realy liling the idea of dwarf monstergirls. Anything higher than a 75, and they're in, at some point; is that fair?

I honestly have never been happier to get back to my laptop. Truly, this thread has some glorious participants.

>>21672740
Suit on the left mostly, but with a bit of the ornate nature of the one in the middle.

>>21673562
Pretty much this. But worry not.

>>21673767
For this is also most likely true.

>>21673884
Papa's always busy with life bullshit, much as I am; he's way busier than I, though. He drops in from time to time, though, so if you keep following the quest, you'll probably see him again at some point. I highly recommend his Heretical Love Quest and Generation A quests, if anyone doesn't know of them. Great stuff, inspired me to start HoboQuest.

Hang on, I know I've got a picture of a dwarf monstergirl around here somwhere.

Rolled 15

>>21674165
Important question: Do Dwarf girls in this setting have beards?

There is a correct answer.

File: 1353450548302.png-(1005 KB, 1342x957, 1337820225609.png)

Rolled 82

>>21674165
All I have is this Vore Loli. Dunno why I saved it. You can have it.

File: 1353450643693.jpg-(23 KB, 362x343, 1179595137922.jpg)

Rolled 35

>>21674295
>>21674295
No...? Because if all Dwarfs had beards, how could they tell who needed reproducing with whom? Or do they have an automated process for that? some kind of Beard Lifting ritual? Unless this means Gimili was actually a girl, and thought Legolas was a hot piece of...

I'm not going there. Nononononono. Not with Tolkien.

Some thigs are SACRED.

File: 1353451149037.png-(166 KB, 389x549, Dwarf Loli Picture.png)

>>21674524
NOTHING IS SACRED.

But yeah, found it. Dwarves are permanent lolis, it seems. At least in height, as far as I'm concerned.

I think I should remind everyone that we're currently in a thread about a hobo in a land of monstergirls.

We could make dwarf-loli-mecha-stonegolems and I wouldn't even be surprised.

>>21674742

This reminds me of those pictures I saw of monstergirl versions of the Colossi from Shadow of the Colossus.

File: 1353451600867.jpg-(2.87 MB, 2000x2837, 1345354047706.jpg)

Rolled 23

>>21674696
So kinda sorta like so?

And where did that image come from? it looks familiar somehow....

>>21674798
Pretty much. And it's just one of Kenkou Cross's. I just chopped off the description because I prefer to give them my own twists, and I certainly don't stick to the personalities and origins he gives them.

>>21674798
/d/

Alright guys, I'm sorry for the delay. I've been taking care of the last of my classes and chores before I head to Chicago tomorrow afternoon. Yes, I'll still be able to post while I'm there; I'll actually have more time, if anything.

The important thing is that I just got the last of my "must-do" things done, so I can write the next damn post now.

"...........ggggghhhhhhhnnnnnnn." Oh boy. Another day, another hangover. You just can't help yourself, can you? You find some alcohol and you immediately drink it all in one sitting. Now you'll have to have to spend another day begging for some guy's half-finished shitty daiquiri down on Bourbon or something. You're not getting out of bed for that just yet.


........hang on. This seems familiar somehow.


You are once again struck by the realization that you don't have a bed.

"OH SHIT, NOT THE HOSPITAL AGAIN!" You scream, bolting upright. Thankfully, as your eyes adjust to the light you notice that you're still in the castle, unless the hospital decided to redecorate with a medieval motif since you last visited.

There's a man in an ornate white robe, sitting on a chair across the room, staring at you. Probably because you just screamed like a bitch at the thought of having your beard shaved off again. A reasonable reaction, you think.

"Oh good, you're awake. That didn't take long at all." He smiles at you, though you're not really sure why.

You look to your right, noticing your shotgun propped up against the wall. Your revolver lies on the floor next to it. Well, at least you didn't lose those.

You take another glance around the room. No monstergirls, nothing on fire, nothing out of the ordinary at all. It appears to just be a medical room.

..........Goddamnit, you've only been awake for thirty seconds and you're already bored as hell.

>What do?

[ ] [question robe guy]

[ ] [shout for Zuli and Moira]

[ ] [grab weapons, KILL EVERYTHING]

[ ] [sprint out of the room after stealing medical supplies]

[ ] [imbibe liquor]

[ ] [other]

Rolled 10

>>21675950
[x] [question robe guy] while we [x] [imbibe liquor]

>>21675950
[X] [grab weapons, KILL EVERYTHING]
[X] [imbibe liquor]

Don't trust people who smile at strangers. Grab him and demand answers.

>>21675950
EVERYTHING

>>21676057
Forgot to add point the revolver at him during the entire time we're questioning him.

Rolled 11

>>21675950
>[ ] [question robe guy]
>
>[ ] [shout for Zuli and Moira]
>
>[ ] [sprint out of the room after stealing medical supplies]
>
>[ ] [imbibe liquor]

>>21676262
>double ones
>double vore

>>21676041
>>21676262
>>21676074
>>21676059
>>21676057

In the interest of getting out of this place as fast as possible, you draw upon an important, well-honed skill you've gained from living on the streets for so long.

Namely, rampant paranoia.

"NEVER TRUST THE DOCTOR!" You roar flinging yourself out of the bed towards your firearms. You are surprised to find yourself body not screaming in pain as you do so, but that just makes one more thing to make the evil voodoo doctor cough up about.

Quickly flinging the shotgun back over your shoulder, you spin yourself around to face the obviously shocked man, leveling the S&W 500 directly at his head.

You don't bother to check if the safety's off, or to even cock the hammer, though. You're a hobo, not a rocket scientist.

"S-Sir! What in Glorian's name are you doing!?" He stutters, fearfully backing away from your firearm. "P-please lower your wand! There is no need for destructive black magicks here!"

"SILENCE, VOODOO WITCH DOCTOR, OR I BLOW YOUR HEAD CLEAN OFF!" Damn dirty words of logic, trying to convince you that he's not a threat. Look at that pristine white robe! There's not even a fleck of dirt on it. Anyone THAT concerned about their clothes HAS to be evil.

"You are going to answer all my questions, doctor-man. OR MY HOBO WRATH WILL SMITE THEE!!!" You thrust the revolver closer to him, which despite not being how it works seems to make him cower sufficiently.

"A-A-A-Alright! Alright! Of course! I'll tell you whatever I can!" Now we're getting somewhere.

>BEGIN INTERROGATION

>INSERT QUESTIONS NOW

>>21676707
First off, where is our booze?
Second off, where are the monster girls?
Third, where are we exactly?

>>21676707
Who are you?! Why am I not dead? What kind of person smiles at strangers!? And lastly point me in the direction of the nearest source of booze.

>>21676760
Oh and make sure to run away once we get our answers. We've need to have some words with the lord concerning an oni.

Rolled 14

>>21676707
Where is my booze?

Where is my Oni?

May I stroke your beard?

How long was I out?

No seriously, that's a nice beard, can I touch it?

One sec, checking in for my flight.

>>21676707
Who is Glorian?

>>21677553

FUCK. B31. I hate plane check-ins.

The interrogation proceeded to go as follows:

QUESTION 1:


"Aright, medicine man, who are you and where am I!?!?!"

"M-M-My name is Michael! I-I'm the castle's cleric! This is the castle's sick bay!"

"WHY HAVE YOU BROUGHT ME TO THIS PLACE OF DISEASE!?!?"

"Eeeeeeek!"


QUESTION 2:

"There's no need for me to be a sick bay; I'm not even the slightest bit sick! Or injured. I repeat: I am not injured. EXPLAIN, MAGIC MAN!"

"P-Please don't hurt me! I-I-I healed you! J-Ju-Just standard white magic! Y-you wouldn't hurt the person who h-healed you, r-right!?"

"IT DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH I'VE HAD TO DRINK, FOUL SORCERER!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH---"

(screaming omitted from transcript due to lengthiness)

QUESTION 3:

"STOP SCREAMING, PANSY!"

"*meep*"

"Better. Now, WHERE IS THE BOOZE!?!?!?!?"

"R-Right there! Right there! I didn't take any of it off you!"

".....oh. Well that simplifies things then."

(next five minutes consists of gulping sounds and occasional belches)

QUESTION 4:

"Ahhhhhhh. That's (hic) more like it. Now. How, (hic) long was I out?"

"O-O-Only about an hour; it didn't take long to cast the healing spells. I-I-It did take a lot of them though.....y-you were pretty badly hurt."

"YOU HAVE INVADED MY BODY WITH SORCERY, YOU FOUL ENCHANTER!"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!"

>TRANSCRIPT BREAK
>REORGANIZE PRIORITY OF QUESTIONS IF DESIRED

>>21677812
Where are me hearties you magic man!

Keep him guessing talk like a pirate.

Rolled 5

>>21677812
Where's my Oni?

Can I learn this magic thing?

Rolled 19

>>21677812
How much did my kidneys sell on the black market, and how much are you going to pay to get them back?

>TRANSCRIPT CONTINUED

QUESTION 5:

"I DO NOT TRUST YOUR MAGIC CRAP, ROBE MAN!'

"I-I-It's just healing magick! Just healing magick! Don't you know what what that is!? You're a mage! Y-Y-You're pointing a wand at me right now!"

"I am no mage, foul wizardy man."

"W-....What? But then what are you pointing at me!?"

"A BOOMSTICK!"

"B-B-B-B-Boomstick!?"

'IT FIRES EXPLOSIONS AND HOT METAL MESSENGERS OF FUCK YOU!"

"Oh sweet Glorian! D-D-Don't kill me! I-I-I'm just a humble cleric!"

"Then teach me your secrets of powwwwerrrrrrr."

"W-W-What? If you want to learn magick, all you have to do is pay to enter the wizarding school! There's just an e-entry fee! N-N-No need to k-kill me!"

"DO THEY TEACH ALCOHOLMANCY!?!?!?"

"W-W-What's alcoholmancy!?"


QUESTION 6:

"GIVE ME BACK MY KINDEYS!!!!"

"W-W-W-WHAT ARE KIDNEYS!?!?!?"

QUESTION 7:

"NEVER YE MIND. TELL ME WHERE ME HEARTIES BE, YAAAAAR!"

"H-Hearties!? W-What are hearties? W-W-Why are you talking like that!?"

"THE ONI CHICK WITH THE AMAZING TITS AND THE BATGIRL IN THE DELICIOUS UNIFORM, FUCKTARD!"

"Yeeeeeeee! D-D-Don't hurt me! I-I-I-I don't know about any batgirls, but the oni is probably in the main courtyard by now!"

"WHERE. AND. WHY."

"I-I-It's in the middle of the castle! I-It's hard to miss! A-A-As for why.....D-Do you not remember anything?"

"Enlighten me, bitch boy."

"N-Now that's just uncalled fo---"

"DO I HEAR SOMEONE'S HEAD EXPLODING!?"

"N-N-NO SIR!"

"My mistake, then. Continue."

"W-W-Well, the castle guards heard a lot of loud smashing noises, s-s-so they rushed to see what was going on. T-They found you in a bloody crumpled heap, with the oni kneeling over you, m-most likely ready to deal the f-f-final blow. B-B-But whatever spells you must have hit her with, w-with that 'boomstick' of yours, she was u-unaware of her s-surroundings and w-weak, so the guards were able to subdue her rather easily. S-She hurt you r-rather b-badly, but it was n-nothing some w-white magic couldn't f-fix. Most of the injuries were internal t-though, so y-you would have been in trouble if a c-cleric wasn't around."

"And whyyyyyyy is she in the main courtyaaaaaaard?"

"D-D-Don't put that thing c-closer to me, I-I-m talking, I'm talking! S-She's safely in chains at this point! Lord Farnsworth is p-probably a-attending to the execution as we speak. Y-You don't need to be afraid of her anymore."

"....................."

"......ummmm......I-Is that a-all?"

"..........................."

"C-C-Can I go n-now?"

"..........................................."

"S-S-S-S-S-S-Sir?"

S̵̤͓̲̟̐͂̓͗ͮ͋́Ơ̙͍͍̲̐͂̀Ņ̤̹̊ͥͨ̊̏ͯ̿̀͞ ̵̙̾́̍͒̍̀̾̅͛O͓ͨ̊ͦ̀͢F̢͚̦̠͍ͯͬ͆ͧͣ͟ ̩̮̠͕̲̆ͦͪ̑̈̓̎̔͘A̖̍̋̉ͧ̅ͥ ̸̜̟̠͓̪̦̈́͝͡M̝̳̉ͥ͐̍ͭ̃O̡̮͎̫̩͚̩͖͔ͪ͐͋͐ͤͦT̙͕͉̦̬̳̙̱͎̄ͦ̽͝H͍
̺̪̼̟̠̊ͪ͗͆̈ͩͤͯEͧͫ҉҉̛͚̜̟̞̺ͅR̸̤̪̤̰͍̰̪̩̈ͧͬ̂̽̇ͣF̥̮̪̪̘̙̻̖̋
ͭͫͩ͘Ŭ̢̠̣̞̘ͨ̑̏̈́̈́ͭ̚̚͘C̤̱̗̓ͫͦ́͘͜K̴̞̥̔̋͂̉̋͂͢͠İ͚̺̃̚N͎͙
̙̗̣̠̙͑̇̌ͤ̐̀̏G̡͋ͦͬ͋́̒҉̗̮͕͚̙͘ ̢̛̺̯̼̖͇͎̺̤͈ͪ͛̈̊̍B͔͚̤͉͎̞ͦ͛̃͗̓̓ͫ̀͢I̖̖͔̩͕͇̖ͧ̅̐ͤ̉ͦṪ̷̴̻ͨ
̉C̬̤̗̗̜̼͉̄ͣ͆ͥ̇́ͨ͘͢H̄͐͂͌̒͏҉͈̰̙̰̙̦͚̗W̗̝̊̿̎ͭͧ̂̏̽ͅH̴̩̮̻͍
͖̯̤̲̠ͣ̀Ō̹̰̺̫̋͑̏̎ͪ́R̞͇͚̱̤̦̼ͬ̐ͅĘ̶̠͖̲̮̦̿͢
ͫͫͮ̔̾́̒ͦ͏̢̘̰̳̖̣͇̜̝I̵͔̭̯̳̘̙̝̬ͭ̿͊̂ͫͯ̆ͬ́͢'̝̳̺̘͙ͧ́͘͝Ļ͉͖
̯ͮͅḺ̿̇͐͒ͧ̚͟ ̶̘̻̥̗̬̯̪͙̈́ͯͩ͜K̜͓̚I̛͔͔͍̫͐̇ͮͥ̒͟L͍̟̪͉̑ͨ͑͆̓ͨ̚͢L̢̲̩̰͌̐̌̚
͡ ̗̦͈͛͐ͭͧ͑ͯͣ͡Y̶̲̮̒ͫ̇͝O̬͖ͧ̓̽͐U̳̍̃͊̌ͣ ̛͚̮͈͉̏̇̈́̂̂͌ͦ̓A̶͔̜͎̤͚̪̎͛͂͂̐ͅL̅̔̊̑̄ͨͯ͏̷̢̞̼̘͓̬̝̪̞L̥̩͉ͥ
ͮͧ͒̽̚͜
͚͎̬͔̓ͤͯ̌̀

ERROR: TRANSCRIPT TERMINATED
REASON: RECORDABLE AUDIO VOLUME LEVELS EXCEEDED

>What do, /tg/?

>>21678509
Daring Hobo Rescue

>>21678509
Get to that courtyard take the priest along for directions. Have no regard for safety,jump out windows if need be to get there faster.

>>21678550
Once we get to the courtyard,we open fire without regard for diplomacy.

Rolled 25

>>21678509
Watch her hang.

Rolled 18

You see this shit? This is what happens when we let other people decide our shit. Time to take matters into our own hands, hobo style.

Optionally we could stop the execution and ask for what reason she's being executed, ask for a fair trial and prove that she has done nothing to warrant a death sentence, but that has less of a chance to work and is completely out of character.

>>21678716
This is what happens when we don't kill any nobles we meet.

I'm glad that you guys don't always need me to give you decision trees. 'Cause honestly, I think it would have ruined the effect if I stuck one in at the end, there.

Also, you guys have no idea how many times I had to trim down that effect text to get under the text limit.

Grab guns, free oni! There is no other path!

I wonder where Moira is during all this. We'll probably see her when we go out the window again.

Rolled 10

Did someone say daring rescue? Because I'm pretty sure some demanded a daring rescue. Also we might wanna radio Fritz about how we're gonna kill erryone just as a heads up thingy.

The door to the infirmary was installed seven years ago, after the last one had experienced too much rot to be useful. It had served a good life, being opened and closed and the like. It was a humble existence, and yet fulfilling.

Sadly, the door had never encountered the power of a MASTER LOCKPICK.


CRUSMASH


The door exploded outwards, splinters flying everywhere as if to act as the herald to the wide-eyed drunken avatar of hobo rage that exited the doorway soon after. If there had been a camera, it would have been an excellent movie shot, and thousands of little kids would have crapped their pants at the sight.

You stand on the middle of the hallway, having not fallen over for once. You suppose the drunken sense of fury is to thank for that. In one hand, you hold your S&W 500 in a deathgrip. Safety off, hammer cocked. You're not sure how, but don't really care. In your other hand, you hold the collar of the cleric, who you dragged out into the hallway with you.

"EEEEEEYAAAAAAH! L-L-L-L-L-LET ME GO! LET ME GO!"

"SILENCE KNAVE, LEST YE KNOW MY FURY!" The cleric immediately slams his mouth shut, perhaps intimidated by the creeping of your fingers further up towards his throat.

.....And, y'know, the fact that you just hoisted him up into the air with one arm in some sort of alcohol-fuelled psychotic adrenaline rush, but that's just a guess.

"WHICH WAY TO THE COURTYARD." It's not a question. It's a command. One that the cleric answers through frantically pointing down the nearest hallway.

You take off sprinting, dragging the quietly whimpering cleric behind you the whole way. Rushing through the corridors, you bonk the cleric over the head every time you need direction clarification. Which is every time you reach a turn, but shut up ragetime GRRAAAAAAAAR.

And then, you finally see it: some sort of open space that you could probably be called a main courtyard or something. Unfortunately, you're looking at it through a window; the courtyard is technically two floors below you.

Not that this is a problem or anything.

SMASH

The glass explodes outwards as you fly through it, the cleric screaming in terror as he is hauled along for the freefall. You momentarily question whether this is a bad idea, before deciding it will distract you from your anger.

CRUNCH

You land on top of a stack of crates that are apparently made of really shitty wood, as they fold like tissue paper before your gravity-fueled charge. Thankfully, they manage to slow your fall enough to just leave a stinging sensation in your legs upon landing. Unfortunately, the cleric seems to have shit himself and passed out from the excitement. Pansy.


Releasing the useless and broken medieval GPS system, you grab for the M590A1, swinging it over your shoulder to come to rest in your free hand, facing forward. You throw it up, and in a somehow impossible display of coordination, you manage to do that cool one-handed pumping shotgun trick.

You feel like such a badass.

You then proceed to survey the courtyard. Well, everyone's staring at you, that's something. Lord Farnsworth is up on some sort of surveyor's box, looking at you with sharp disapproval. There's a crowd of accumulated villagers, apparently spectators. Your soldier buddies are there, as well. Aaaaaand Johnson looks ready to murder you. Nothing new there, then.

And then, in the center of the courtyard, is the platform.

The executioner's platform.

There's two men in black hoods, each wielding ridiculously large axes. There's also some poindexter-y looking type, who has some sort of scroll or shit.

And then there's Zuli, her clothing torn and dirty, with a dead, resigned look in her eyes. Bound in gagged, she lays with her head on a wooden block.

A chopping block.


.........


.............OH FUCK NO, NOT ON YOUR WATCH.

>What do?

[ ] [verbally lambast Lord, executioners, scroll asshole, everyone]

[ ] [level guns at platform and demand Zuli's release]

[ ] [ask soldiers for help]

[ ] [explain situation and misunderstanding like a rational human being]

[ ] [KILL EVERYTHING]

[ ] [Imbibe liquor]

[ ] [other]

>>21680744
>[ ] [verbally lambast Lord, executioners, scroll asshole, everyone]
>[ ] [level guns at platform and demand Zuli's release]

>>21680744
[X] [KILL EVERYTHING]

Open fire on the platform. While drinking heavily.

>>21680744
Level guns at platform and demand Zulli's release.
"If anyone is gonna kill her it's me! You are not me, because I am the one holding the boomstick."

Rolled 31

wait a second.
>HoboQuest Part VII: Let's Hope Disney Doesn't Fuck It Up
I see what you did there

>>21680744
Fuck no fun Johnson fire that shit in the air at least once then do the whole calm anger speech once everybody's ears have stopped ringing.

Nobody fucks with our monster girls.

Rolled 14

>>21680744
Give me My Oni Back!

>>21681233
GIVE ME MY ONI BACK
ONI BACK
CHILIIIIIIIIS
ONI BACK RIBS!

File: 1353482089822.jpg-(56 KB, 383x666, Red Oni Cute.jpg)

Rolled 20

>>21680744
>[X] [explain situation and misunderstanding like a rational human being]

If that doesn't work...
>[X] [verbally lambast Lord, executioners, scroll asshole, everyone]

And if that doesn't work...
>[X] [level guns at platform and demand Zuli's release]

And, Ser Jack of Daniels / Lincoln must always
>[X] [Imbibe liquor]

Also, I bet that cleric is never going to cast healing spells without casting Sanctuary and Hold Person first from now on.

Now, onward! And save the red maiden!

"Ahhhh, Sir Jack of Daniels, I see you have recovered from the injuries you suffered at the hand of this wretched, beastlike mockery of a woman. Though your entrance leaves me in doubt that you appreciate my cleric's services." Lord Farnsworth remarks from the chair on his own little personal platform. "That is another matter for another time, however. Scribe, continue with the---"

BLAM

The noble flinches, eyes widening. The crowd screams and retreats backwards several feet. The guards on either side of the courtyard advance towards you slightly, bringing their spears down at the ready. Johnson begins foaming at the mouth, such is his rage.

You fumble with the S&W 500, the powerful recoil as you fired it into the air having blown it completely out of your hands and onto the grass at your feet. Managing to get your hand back on it without accidentally shooting yourself, you proceed to level both the shotgun and the revolver at the execution platform, awkward as it feels.

"NO. FUCK. THIS. THAT ONI CHICK IS MINE AND YOU CAN ALL GO SUCK EGGS." You roar, well and truly sick of pussyfooting around all this bullshit.

"Lincoln, have you lost your MIND!?" Johnson growls out, looking near ready to kill you. He's got his hands on his rifle, and the rest of the soldiers have followed suit.

"What!? I've lost my mind!? Is that it!? Because right now I'm seeing a case of an innocent (and sexy) red oni about to be executed for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!" Your voice raises several dozen decibels at the end of the sentence.

"Innocent, Jack of Daniels? Surely your head must still be injured from the grievous injuries you took. This demon was caught in the act of beating you to death. She was found over your unconscious body, ready to deliver the final blow. I believe the evidence is rather straightforward." Lord Farnsworth drawls out, clearly annoyed to be explaining this to you. You are equally annoyed at having to hear him open his big stupid trap.

"OH!? IS THAT SO!? Because if I remember correctly, I was the one who DELIBERATELY GOADED HER into punching the living daylights out of me!" You grind out.

"Deliberate? Pish-tosh, young vagrant, you would do know such thing; you may be filthy and soaked in the wine of thousands of taverns, but I have seen no sign that you are suicidal. Guards? Take this tramp away so tha----"

Yeah, that's enough of that.

"NOBODY ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION, LORD DOUCHWAFFLE!" The noble stops, stunned. You're pretty sure nobody's yelled at him like THAT before.

"I-I say! What did you call me!? I've never----"

"Oh, was I not clear enough, Your Arrogance!? Allow me to clarify: YOU COULD SUCK MILK THROUGH YOUR ASSHOLE AND STILL NOT BE ABLE TO THIN OUT THE SHIT YOU'RE FULL OF!"

The noble's face goes red with indignant rage. Yep, he understood THAT one.

"I will not be spoken to like this by some filthy, unwashed degenerate! Guards! You will remove this filth from my sight! He has both strained my hospitality and tread on my patience!" He directs his incensed gaze at the Spec Ops CO, fanning himself furiously. "That goes for his friends! Anyone associating with such filth cannot possibly be of anything less than a debased nature! Seize them all!"

Johnson, realizing shit has hit the fan at this point, moves faster than you've ever seen a person move. With a few quick hand motions, the soldiers bring their rifles up, training them on the guards and forcing them to come to a nervous halt several yards away. They quickly arrange themselves into a rough circle, watching all sides as they begin to retreat towards one of the courtyard exits.

"LINCOLN! WE NEED TO GO, NOW!" Johnson bellows at you, sounding more urgent than angry.

"EXECUTE THE BLASPHEMOUS DEMON!" The noble hollers from his perch. The executioners nod at him, and begin to raise their axes.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

>What do?

[ ] [retreat with Spec Ops soldiers]

[ ] [ask soldiers for help freeing Zuli]

[ ] [scream for Moira]

[ ] [scream for Zuli to free herself]

[ ] [shoot executioners]

[ ] [shoot executioners' axes]

[ ] [shoot Lord Farnsworth]

[ ] [shoot guards menacing soldiers]

[ ] [fuck it, shoot EVERYONE WHO SUCKS]

[ ] [you're going to need so much liquor after this]

[ ] [other]

Rolled 5

>>21681783
[x] [scream for Moira]

[x] [shoot executioners' axes]

[x] Scream for Zuli to throw the executioners axes at the lord of pompus mc racistface.

>>21681783
>[ ] [fuck it, shoot EVERYONE WHO SUCKS]
>
>[ ] [you're going to need so much liquor after this]
>[ ] [other]
Hug Zuli. Bitch is gonna need some major aftercare from all this.

>>21681783
[ ] [shoot executioners]
[ ] [scream for Zuli to free herself]
[ ] [shoot Lord Farnsworth in the leg]
Then
[ ] [scream for Moira to get us the hell out.]

>>21682074
>>21681862
>>21681840

Welp, you three are the only ones who responded. Guess you get the run of the show. Apparently, the priority list for shooting is:

1. anything related to the executioners
2. Lord Farnsworth
3. anybody else who gets in the way

And screaming for monstergirl assistance the whole way through.

Well, because of that nat 20 that got rolled up there, you get a guarantee of one shot that assuredly hits; I'll leave it up to you to prioritize what you shoot first.

Either way, roll 3d20 to account for all the rest of the shooting you're apparently about to do.

Rolled 13, 6, 1 = 20

>>21682503
nat 20 on executioners

>>21681783
[ ] [scream for Moira]
[ ] [shoot executioners' axes]
[ ] [scream for Zuli to free herself]
[ ] [you're going to need so much liquor after this]

>itheoro Luc.
yes captcha... we will need some luck after this.

>>21682525
...fuck

Rolled 11, 4, 16 = 31

>>21682503
Nat 20 on executioners axe

Rolled 11

> [X] Shoot guard menacing Fritz
> [X] Ask Fritz for help freeing Zuli
> [X] Shoot exexutioners' axes
> [X] Scream for Zuli to free herself
> [X] Chant 'Yooessae' while fleeibg the castle
> [X] Imbibe liquor

Oh, NOW I start getting all the response immediately....

I swear, you all must be trying to stretch out my drinking time for your own amusement.

.......by which I mean, you guys are great.

Rolled 3, 8, 18 = 29

Wow. Things are gonna get hot in this town for any non human, aren't they?

[Axes] Shoot 'em. If that failsshoot the [Executioners]
[Moira] Get to Minerva, and both of you meet us by the portal.
Char logic: Minerva has a lot of books, and never leaves home. They're delivered by post.
Hobo: The MAN knows where everyone is, man.

[Zuli] Xome on, you big beautiful Oni, you could snap those chains in a heart beat. Get your ass down here, now. Or areyou going to let me lose you like you lost your sister?

Damn it. Posting on phone is slow.

K, nat 20 on axe / executioners.

Rest for everything else.

>>21682569
I think everybody has decided that this quest is much better when all concerned parties are drunk. This includes you, mighty hobo king.

>>21682632
>Or areyou going to let me lose you like you lost your sister?

Dude, that is not how you motivate a woman. That is how you get a horrified shock look before the axe swings down.

Rolled 3

>[X] Shoot Zuli.

Wait, fuck, no, I meant to say-

Rolled 12, 12, 5 = 29

>>21682647
On phone. Trying to type fast. How about you insert a better motivational line instead of just criticizing mine? We would all appreciate more valuable input. If mine IS that bad, then I request Hobo King not use it.

>>21682711
ZULI! You don't have to believe in yourself! Believe in the me that believes in you!

>>21682902
YOURS IS A FIST THAT WILL PIERCE MY FACE! MINE IS A DICK THAT WILL PIERCE YOUR VAGINA!

Rolled 4, 16, 8, 7 = 35

>>21682902
Heh, why not? 3d20 shoots miscellaneous things, 1d20 breaks through the crowd in time, nat 20 goes to hobo strength and fighting spirit.
>ZULIIII! CLENCH THOSE TEEETH!

Rolled 11

>>21682503
Am I too late? SCREAM AND SHOUT A LOT!!

Rolled 4

>>21682592
Aren't we just? Anyhow shoot the executioner.

Rolled 12, 14 = 26

>>21683122
Whoops forgot the other two dice.

You can't think. There's no time. You only have to act. Thankfully, you're good at not thinking. Now, let's find out how well you shoot.

Aiming as best as you can with a complete lack of understand of how to aim, you point the high caliber revolver at one of the executioner's axes as he raises it above his head.

You squeeze the trigger, and the revolver roars its report as your hand is jostled by the intense recoil.

The fifty caliber FMJ bullet tears through the axe shaft, sending the blade tumbling down to land on the executioner's head with an audible 'thonk'. He staggers, holding his head in obvious pain, and grabs for something to stay upright.

Unfortunately, what he grabs happens to be the raising axe of his companion. Still unable to gain his balance, the first executioner falls off the platform, dragging the second man with him. The crash into the ground in an heap of limbs and weaponry.

You stand, staring in awe.

"HOLY SHIT, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WORKED!"

Oh wait, right, you're still surrounded by lots of guards with pointy sticks. Not good.

>>21683148
huzzah! Now to get Zuli out of here before somebody likeable dies!

Rolled 11

>>21683209
I hope bruce doesn't die. I like Bruce.

Rolled 7, 9, 12 = 28

>>21683148
Bah you survived last time when you just sang showtoons at them. This time they stand no chance.

You push off from the ground, breaking into a sprint for the execution platform. Guards immediately rush to intercept you, spears at the ready. You swing the revolver in their general direction, firing off a shot on each side of you. Neither of them actually manage to hit the guards, only managing to hit a peasant or three (and nobody care about them), but it's enough to bring them skidding to a halt, giving you the time to squeeze past.

Zuli's still sitting there on the platform, her bindings make her unable to move. If this were any other time, you'd find it hot, but this is just inconvenient.

"ZUUUUUULIIIIIIII!" You scream, hopping up onto the platform. "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SITTING HERE LIKE AN IDIOT!?" No response. Dammit, you don't have time for this! You sling the shotgun over your shoulder once more, and grab ahold of Zuli's bindings. Straining yourself, you haul her upright, you tear at the bindings with a few of the various sharp objects hanging off of your belt. "Fuck, woman! We need to leave! Why are you screwing around here when you could turn these guards into discount sushi in an instant!?"

"......why?"

"Eh?"

Zuli turns up to look at you, her face a mixture of self-loathing and despair. You freeze at the pain in her eyes.

"Why are you doing this!? I knocked you right into the castle of this bastardly noble! I nearly killed you time and time again out of pure stupid rage! Why are you trying to save me!?!? You should just----"

And then you she can say no more. Kinda hard to talk when you're being kissed, after all. Heheheh. Look at her face.

You let the kiss go with a gasp, reluctant to relinquish the warmth of her mouth. She gapes at you, apparently unable to comprehend. So you decide to make it abundantly clear. You pull her head down to you, moving her ear next you your mouth.

"Don't worry, honey. I like it rough."

Aaaaaaaaaand her face just went red to crimson in less than two seconds. God, you love this shtick.

"JACK OF DANIELS! FOUL HERETIC, MONSTROUS BETRAYER OF HUMANITY! I SEE YOU NOW, AS YOU SLAKE YOUR LUSTS WITH DEMONS AND THEIR LIKE, WHAT YOU TRULY ARE!"

Ahhhhh, crap. You forgot about Lord Tinypecker. He's good and angry now.

"WIZARD OBLERON! STRIKE DOWN THIS FOUL VAGRANT AND HIS DEMON WHORE!" He gestures to a man and dark blue robes next to him, face hidden by his hood and a glowing orb in his hands. The man nods, and begins chanting.

Oooooooh boy. This should be good. He's going to use silly superstitions on you. What's he gonna do, cast magic missi----HOLY FUCK, THOSE ARE MAGIC MISSILES!

[roll 1d20 to dodge]

>>21683231
I am colorblind. Please in great detail explain to me what exactly goes on with the changing of an onis colours. Thank you kindly in advance dear sirs.

Rolled 1

Please no magic missle vore... Be merciful nuffle! Be merciful!

>>21683249
FUCK YOU NUFFLE I NEVER REALLY BELIEVED ANYWAYS GOD DAMMIT

>>21683249
There is no mercy to be found here, only damnation.

Rolled 10

>>21683249
When has Nuffle EVER answered your prayers? He's the god of the triple skulls after all.

Rolled 16

>>21683242
Rolling for after-vore dodge.

Rolled 18

>>21683254
Can I roll for mercy?

>>21683249
oh
oh dear

Alright guys, and on the note of that crit fail, of which I am enormously amused, I have to take a sleep break. I have work in about 3 hours, so I need to get some rest real quick. Nap will be a lot shorter than usual, obviously, but you'll still have to wait a bit, and for that, I apologize.

Feel free to keep rolling if you want. Maybe you'll get a nat 20 and cancel it out. Or maybe you'll get six more 1s and I'll get to write some sort of village-spanning vore orgy.

Anyone mind archiving this thing real quick? Don't want to suffer another 404 panic like last time.

Rolled 4

>>21683278
I cannot into archives, but I can roll a dice!

>>21683256
Nuffle is a bastard like that. I always think prayers will give me favor with the dice but all they ever do is make me fail at the most crucial/comedic appropriate moment...

Rolled 16

DICE MAGIC DO YOUR WORK

Rolled 3

>>21683307
WORK FASTER

Rolled 3

>>21683244
Well.... Imagine the difference in greys you get between a tomato (Zuli's base color), moving to a red bell pepper, and going from there to a Chipotle pepper.

If you haven't seen a Chipotle in person, google it.

>>21683278
I'll get right in that, chief.

Rolled 17

Village spanning you say?

Rolled 16

Emperor, guide my dice!

Rolled 10

Once more, with feeling! and vore

>>21683318
Haha oh god somebody actually explained. Im not colorblind man Im just drunk and have no taste.

Rolled 9

My dice are rolling on their own!~

Rolled 8

SHE-HULK I CHOOSE YOU

Rolled 10

You know... We never did find out if this Feudal arrangement was succession based or more a 'the king is dead, long live the king' affair. If succession based, we should kill Farnsworth just to keep things imbalanced.
If we become lord by killing the previous lord... Well, you get the idea.

And would shooting the magic missiles with our shotgun cause them to blow up before they hit us? Might be worth trying...

Rolled 15

>>21683278

Awwwwww, so no change at all? Ah well, I suppose it is what it is.

Hello you all, I'm back. There's gonna be a lot of Hoboquesting today, since most of my day is either traveling, or getting ready for traveling. Especially the two hours I'm on the plane, because apparently my flight has wifi.

Thanks to chinese characters tripfag for archiving the thread in my unconsciousness. Though I personally laugh at your decision to refer to Lincoln as a "hero."

Rolled 11

>>21684704
Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.

Rolled 20

>>21684704
You can call me "Char".

As for 'hero'... Well, saving someone from death (even if we encouraged the situation) is a fairly heroic thing to do. And it's easier on the 120 word description limit than 'crazy drunken hobo'. Though on retrospect, I could have just referred to him as 'our Hobo', couldn't I?

Damn it hindsight.

I blame phone.

Rolled 16

>>21684848
mother of god.

.....
WELP.

>>21684848
No Vore? Laem.

>>21684872
You succeeded where so many others failed. You are HOBOKHIIN, HOBO BORN!
>>21684882
you do know we were rolling to dodge magic missiles right? I don't think theres magic missile vore.

>>21684848
.......Welp, that's a whole post I have to retype. Makes me wish I had used it in on vore, since I would have posted that anyway.

>>21684848
This amuses me greatly

>>21684888
> I don't think theres magic missile vore.

We had revolver vore.

We had hay vore.

I don't think that would be a problem

>>21684888
There's vore for everything.

>>21684954
Would it still be possible to get one of the soldiers to shoot the noble? It's bad practice to leave them alive.

Rolled 20

>>21684954
I'm glad to be contributing to the quest in a significant way, especially since I'm enjoying so.

It also amuses me to think I may have given The Hobo King enough cause to say "Damn it, Char!" in real life.

Ahh~. Bliss.

>>21685088
GODDAMNIT, CHAR

>>21685088
Hail Char.

File: 1353512646060.png-(73 KB, 800x600, 1289012879938.png)

>>21685088
My god, its beautiful. A critical success.

Rolled 10

>>21685093
Gundamnit, my Sides are crashing on their own!

>>21685093

So do we get like a double super-success? Or just a plain ol' 'suddely - something awesome'?

I mean the first 20 negated the 1, now we get another one.

>>21685176
You get hilarity. It's just slightly more advantageous hilarity.

>>21685203
fuck yes. I say we dodge into lord frottage and have him land on an axehead.

>>21685209
Naw I bet Zuli is gonna go on a rampage of rage using us to bodily beat down everyone.