>Playing a wild magic sorcerer
>roll 1 for an attack
>push entire party off of a cliff
Thank god the DM planned on someone falling off and BS'd them to safety.

Can't remember many as a player, but I remember a supposedly tough encounter against two orc bandits I'd set up as a DM getting completely ruined when one of them accidentally one-shotted the other with a throwing axe about 2 rounds into the fight

Happened to my favorite character. Pure social build, never took one combat feat ever, and wasn't an optimized diplomancer either.

Anyways, we were in a never before discover part of the world and it had a heavy arabic influence. My character was greedy as hell and was always looking to earn some money. The first time we stop in a bazaar to get supplies I notice that the guy selling them is straight up ripping us off. Rolling diplomacy to try and carefully get a good price without trying to upset something in this strange new land.

Roll a 1.

I look at the dice, and proceed to yell at the shopkeep, insult him say he's ripping me off and this is how much I'm going to pay for it. (That was all me acting off the roll, no DM involvment)

Dm smiles, and somehow I walk away from the deal very well off and everyone is happy. Took my character a moment to realize what happened. It was truly a chance that the nat 1 worked out to a nat 20.

>My character and my friend's character are feuding
>Talking to the king
Friend: "This guy fucks chickens."
>Rolls 20 for bluff
>The king's messenger hears
>Spreads the gossip to everyone he delivers message to
>Whole world thinks my character fucks chickens

Playing pathfinder using the iCrit and iFumble apps because we found they were pretty funny. I get challenged to a fight by an outsider who can summoner demons, and if I win, i get some "reward." being a D&D equivalent of megatron, my character happily accepts both the challenge and the chance to gain power. The party monk joins in as well, while the rest watch. A few good rounds of combat, before I roll my inevitable fumble. Tap the app "We have a weiner" normally it's something like blinded, maybe stunned. Nope, I wish I was that lucky. Knocked unconscious for D6 rounds (read 6 rounds)

Not prone, not stunned, unconscious.

The demon happily trots on over and coup de grace's my ass before spitting sleep venom at the monk and doing the same to him

I once rolled to behead my opponent.

The opponent was a Hydra

>>21090661
I would be interested in more nat 1's that turned out to work as nat 20s

>colossal cave spider rolls a 20, bites spellsword's left arm off
>spellsword rolls a 20 right back at the spider, cleaves in clean in half

First D&D game ever.
Level 1 Half Orc Barbarian
sleeping in an inn, bastard in the group is trying to steal from all of us. Breaks into my room first, i dont wake up.
Coup de grace, to my face with a spiked club. im half blind at this point, face mangled,
need a perfect 20 on the die to survive, roll that die like a boss down the table in front of everyone.
die stalls for a second on the edge finally falling onto the 20.
wake up, rage, quickdraw my greataxe and attack

cast the die again, this time it falls perfectly to the 20, roll a 10 on the dmg die, 36 damage is way more than scrawny little rogue boy has hp at first level. I drag his lifeless corpse to the front desk, scream at the inn manager that this inn needs some better security, and promptly pass out.

>Zombie plague blows through town
>Captain of the guard is zombified, dundundun final boss of the day yadda yadda
>Wizard's magic missile crits in the first round (crit = head shot/instakill, btw)
>DM's elaborate fight plan including all sorts of succubi, human-sized cages, and falling rubble was all for naught.
Moral: zombies do not make good bosses.

>Friend's character, typical CG Rogue
>Bluffs to a king, stating that fish hooks are an extremely precious commodity
>Natural 20
>Pay for everything in fish hooks across the continent
>Character is constantly encumbered by fish hooks, buys everyone everything forever

>Later, meets another king
>Begs for MORE money after the price of fish hooks plummets
>Doesn't receive anything
>Seduces him instead
>Natural 20 Diplomacy
>Fucks the king, buys all of the king's blacksmith's equipment
>ALL OF IT
>Queen discovers the king's infidelity
>Player has to convince her nothing is going on between him and the king, comes up with this massive speech, rolls in the middle of it
>Nat 1 Bluff
>Blurts out "I FUCKED YOUR HUSBAND IN THE ASS" in the middle of this ridiculously eloquent speech
>Court Wizard: "Disintegrate. Gust of Wind"

>Play pokemon Tabletop.
>Ace Trainer. Since there's usually nothing to do while the pokemon fight, I jump in and punch things.
>Find horrible mutated plot monstrosity of fused pokemon.
>Torterra with 3 trapinch heads.
>Stroll up there with top initiative and roll a 20.
>Punch right the fuck through a head totally destroying it.
>Rounds later, punch again. Roll 1.
>Grabs onto my arm, stripping flesh to the bone.
>Roll strength to rip it out.
>Succeed and punch it to death with my other arm.

Good times man. Good times.

>>21090785

>I FUCKED YOUR HUSBAND IN THE ASS

I'm dying.

File: 1350023035413.gif-(675 KB, 400x225, ohshitnigga.gif)

>DMing a homebrew sci-fi game where the PCs have powers, like casters in D&D, because they're mutants
>Party consists of 3 caster PCs, 2 caster/fighter PCs, and an all fighter NPC with no powers
>Fighter NPC had given a caster PC a pistol
>20 years ago the NPC tried to kill himself with the pistol, but the round didn't go off.
>Pistol still has the 1 round chambered.
>Party is battling a huge monster that basically jams all their powers
>PC with the pistol gets dropped to almost dead.
>Battle looks like its gonna be a TPK
>PC with the pistol can take 1 action before becoming KO'd
>Rolls attack with pistol.
>Nat 20
>The game has exploding damage, which is based on rolling crits.
>PC rolls 6 20's in a row
>PC does over 4,000 damage with 1 bullet
>Instakills the monster, by shooting it right in the eye and blowing its brains out.

>everyone's face as the 20's keep piling up

>>21090804
Glad to see someone else playing it here. I DM for a couple of guys.

>Falkner, Flying-type Gym Leader, gives players a ride to the roof of his Gym on his Pidgeot's back.
>Deftly jumps off and lands like a badass after doing a flip.
>Ace Trainer jumps off regularly, lands fine.
>Ranger: "I wanna do two frontflips off!"
>Nat 1
>Lands on face, Falkner to this day thinks character is retarded.

>Half-Orc Monk
>Fighting a Werewolf
>Werewolf rolls a 20, removes my arm
>Pick up arm and try to hit the werewolf with it
>crit 1
>Slap myself in the face with my removed arm for the 1HP I had left

>>21090744
>stealing from the party
>tries to coup de grace a fellow PC
what a little shit. let me guess, chaotic evil?

>>21090708
>Playing a Crazy in Rifts
>Get jumped by a shit ton of CS soldiers
>Run in with a Vibro claymore and attack an enemy
>Roll nat 1
>GM says that the weapon flies out of my hand in a random direction, hoping it will hit one of the other PCs
>Roll Warhammer direction die
>Points straight toward enemy commander (or sergeant or something)
>Roll maximum damage; impale the BBEG with my sword from half the room away

I seem to remember a story about a barbarian killing someone by cutting open his head and throwing his brain at them.

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>>21090727
"...and that's when it bit off one of my arms."
>grin
"It was the wrong arm."

>Playing DnD 3.5 for the 2nd time
>Elf ranger with emphasis on bows
>Ally is human fighter, two handed specialist
>Fighting a few ogres
>Last one, I'm a few feet away on his back, ally in his face
>Ally crit fails and throws his sword AT ME
>I crit fail to catch it, become impaled, still conscious
>I crit success and throw him his sword
>He crit catches it and lops the ogres head off

File: 1350023660422.jpg-(61 KB, 750x600, Barbarians.jpg)

>>21090965
BAM!

>Late to my first 4e dark sun campaign
>Walk in the house, the party is complaining about their first battle
>Sit down, ask what I miss
>Gnolls with poison darts are destroying party
>No one uses ranged attacks
>Roll my initiave
>It's my turn
>Slam the table and yell WWWWAAAAAHHHHHHH
>Enter combat as Capn Grukk the Ork Warboss
>Grab dice
>Tell DM I will throw my warhammer
>GET READY YA GITZ, IT'S TIME FO DA WAHHHHHHH
>Nat 20
>roll damage, 2d8's 1d6 for crit
>Push back 2 squares
>Creature fails reflex save and falls 20 feet
>2d10's
>Max damage again
>DM just sits there and says the creature exploded scaring the other gnolls ending combat
>Capn Grukk became party leader after that
Thank you Gork and Mork for making me brutally cunnin

>roll to find a prostitute for the evening
>1
>fuck a dude
>next morning
>"uh, just curious, but did we see you come back to our lodgings with a man last night?"
>bluff nat 20
>"nope it was a girl."
>"oh, ok"

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>>21090785
>I FUCKED YOUR HUSBAND IN THE ASS

Oh god my sides! Imma dyeing!

>Playing game of pathfinder
>in haunted mansion full of dimensional doors
>go through one that brings us to an room with a chair and a door behind the chair
>there is a man in the chair who stops us and begins channeling magic for a spell
>rogue says that "THEY" sent us
>rolls 20 on the bluff check
>guard leads us into the building
>we end up in some universal betting station that sees life as we know it as a game for profit
>we capture one of the officials and get insider info on a target that we are trying to kill which is a band of goblins touring the continent
>show up at their next tour venue posing as the opening band
>we invite the stadium manager to drinks on our airship and then knock him out
>rogue then uses his disguise skills to become the stadium manager
>orders 6 times the amount of pyrotechnics
>after we open for the band, one of the fighters fires an arrow at the stage, hoping to go straight through and hit the pyrotechnics beneath
>rolls a nati 20
>explosion kills half the crowd, and collapses the stage
>The 40 foot wall behind the stage begins to teeter and proceeds to fall on the band, effectively killing them
>we make a dashing escape on our airship

>Party of my ranger, a paladin and knight
>transported to slaver land ruled by wizards
>came across bandits my ranger was K.Oed
>woke to find party members captured
>captured by the dark lords death knights
>said i was the best assassin in the core
>called the black arrow
>rolled for bluff got a nat 20
>death knights ran away scared

>Lvl 4 ranger scared 2 lvl 18 Death knights

> Playing a Rogue in an Evil game of D&D 3.5
> Begin sneaking into slum houses to kidnap people
> sneaking around like a boss until I'm informed I hear a noise.
> Turn to see a small child of about 4 staring at me.
> DM "You can tell the child has noticed you, what do you do?"
> Me "Well, I'm not just going to knife the kid, what can I-"
> DM "The kid's about to scream."
> Me "Oh god, I punch the kid in the face, a child should have like what? 3hp?"
> Nat 20, Nat 20, Nat 20...
> The table is silent
> DM "...Ah...Ok, so there is a large red splatter on the wall behind the child as you put your fist through his head..."
> Me "...Welp, I shake off my soaked glove and continue on up to the parents bedroom..."

The only time in my roleplaying history that I have ever roll three 20's in a row... A shame really.

>Dread necromancer, 3.5
>Party is sitting outside a purely evil town
>Guards come out to see what the commotionn is
>Everyone tries hiding in the woods
>Shit rolls all around, almost everyone gets caught
>I get a 20
>Become a ninja and vanish
>My four skeletons get a single roll as well
>Another 20
>Batman skeletons hanging up in trees like grim spectres of death

I played as a bard once and a supposed attractive elven bard asks me to play a tune, I roll a 1. She says I best just stop. Whole bar laughs at me.

Play as a barbarian, get crit on 3 attacks, kills boss we took a month of sessions to get to on the first round.

This happened a few months back in a campaign I was DMing, player was rolling as a paladin, goodie-two-shoes innocent as all hell type, but had taken a split-personality flaw, where the other personality was, basically an unthinking berserker.
>Pally walks into store
>Diplomacy check on a barter
>Rolls a natural 1
>Store owner tells him to get the fuck out
>He tries to talk his way out of it
>Rolls another 1
>Store owner is now pushing him out of the store
>Pally tries to 'peacefully' take the store owner's hands off of him
>Rolls a 1, Tossing the store owner out of the store, triggering personality change
>Store owner lands with a splat
>Guards run to the scene
>The goodie two-shoes pally ends up killing around 10 civilians and 7 guards before finally being detained, but before that:
>Civilian decides to fight for his life instead
>Rolls to hit
>Pally rolls to attempt to dodge
>Rolls yet another 1
>The level 1 human punched the pally so hard his armor cracked
It was hysterical, because he tried so hard to play a real justice loving, Pelor fearing, sickeningly sweet, never hurt a fly paladin.

>Group has had the same DM for a while.
>DM has learned to over compensate for our stupid luck.
>New campaign, First major encounter.
>DC 4 Ork boss. Full plate mail.
>Has machine gun and big ass sword.
>We are level one.
>Ork rolls 20 for initiative.
>Town guard NPCs get slaughtered.
>Party tank gets incapacitated in one hit.
>DM worried he took it too far.
>Ork rolls crit fail on machine gun.
>It explodes. Left arm useless.
>Ork draws two handed broadsword.
>Crit fails on broadsword attack.
>Dismembers right arm.
>DMs face when Ork has no arms.

The campaign hasn't gotten any easier, and he haven't been any less lucky.

>>21091179
Critting on my attraction role for a fellow PC. This was DM rolled.

Wizard assisted leap timed with a readied action by the fighter so that we would drop on either side of the Lich. 2 Nat 20's and the lich is dust.

Asked permission to build a tavern in a town we rescued. (and resettled) Given my speech DM called it a nat 20 no roll necessary.
Admittedly it was a 5 minute speech, I pulled out the chair set my leg on it and probably bored the other players to tears. The music the DM picked was pretty awesome though.

Another one, from years ago, sadly not myself.
I'm part of a standard high level adventuring group in 3.5.
We get hired to kill off a titan that had formerly been the protector of the kingdom, and get told there is an arrow of titan slaying beneath the castle, just in case.
"yup, seems fine... wait, a fucking titan?"
so we just shrug and get on with it, get the arrow in the catacombs full of undead, go to find the titan.
we find a fire giant stomping on some knights, before the titan comes out of no-where to smash the giant in the face.
fighter pulls out bow "what do I need to hit?"
entire party "uh, like a natural 20?"
Nat20
Dm looks at us.
Dm looks at the dice.
Dm looks at us.
Dm laughs.
at this point the party start to put a few things together.
in the catacombs, the undead only rose as we opened the doors, and the seals burned out around them.
the titan was killing an evil giant.
we got duped, big time.
as the titan crashes to the ground, we hear an odd sound, like cacophonous clapping.
the paladin and the cleric both look around to see an embodiment of St cuthbert behind them, slowclapping.
"uh-oh"
paladin tries to argue that it wasn't an evil act if he was unwitting.
Paladin literally gets backhanded out of sight. It takes him a day to get back to us.

>Forever GM for a 3.5e game.
>Characters fighting construct opponents for a while now.
>Describe the opponents they're facing; 3v3 tournament-style thing.
>One that had gotten away was participating in the tournament, with two others.
>One described as Kharn the Betrayer in blue-gray armor with a shoulder-mounted cannon; I was more flowery than that, but that's what it ended up being.
>The other two are a dual-pistol-wielding robot(the one that got away), and a fucking robotic dragon.
>Late in the fight, Kharn the robot is finally close enough to attack in melee, where he's strongest.
>Nat 1
>Buries his chain-axe into the fucking wall, can't remove it.
>One of the players, a scout 10/warlock 1, moves back 10 ft, gaining skirmish, eldritch blasts.
>Nat 20.
>First thing to come out of my mouth is, "Well, that really blew his mind."

>Player had a cleric cohort
>they were in a mineshaft with a primitive elevator
>Elevator winch duties go to cleric
>the party goes two floors down, fights a retriever
>getting beaten HARD
>Dragon disciple yells up "CLERIIIC!"
>have player roll awesomeness to see what happens
>20
>Cleric jams winch, runs at rope and grabs on
>Speeding down rope, spinning around building momentum while his gloves all but catch on fire
>reaches the floor they are on, lets go of rope, momentum propelling him at inhuman speeds
>trips on ground, rolling on the ground still at inhuman speeds
>forced stop in front of Dragon Disciple, plants tower shield, deflecting a ray attack while channeling energy to heal the entire party
>"You called?"

>>21090890
More Pokemon :D

>Sciency NPC gives PC a Rock Hammer to collect samples of rocks in the area.
>time passes
>PC get to a "statue" of Suicune
>decides to hit it with hammer
>Nat20
>The statue explodes and Suicune fight and it runs off.
>time passes
>PC gets to a Statue of Aerodactyl figues its the same trick
>Hit with hammer
>nat20
>Statue explodes and the party gets attacked by an Aerodactyl that thought it was its mate.
>Player catches it :T
>time passes
>Finds "Statue" of Raikou
>Decides to not hit it
>Other PC egg him on until he does
>NAT 20
>Statue breaks :(

Every time he swung that hammer he rolled a 20

I'm a halfling thief and my brother is an elf ranger, and we had just rolled our characters. We're investigating a problem where a hobgoblin had been raiding supplies and camps. We set up a trap camp, with supplies set out and two bedrolls filled with leaves.

It works, and lures the hobgoblin. However, it turns out that we're two of the most laughably unprepared characters to ever try to fight something. First round of combat, I'm disarmed. Ranger fires, and misses. I try to tackle the hobgoblin to the ground, he crit backhands me into being downed. Ranger charges in to save me, gets knocked down.

So the hobgoblin proceeds to try to kill me off with a coup de grace...only he fumbles his weapon, falls on it, and gets a critical, killing himself outright. I think all of us were too embarrassed to continue that campaign.

File: 1350031236982.gif-(856 KB, 320x240, 1342149419084.gif)

>half-orc barbarian
>party hunting drow priestess commanding a slaver ring in her temple
>find her in the top floor
>rage, run past bodyguards taking 3 AoO
>fuckyouimabarbarian.png
>swing mightily, power attacking for +5 with adamantine greataxe
>natural 1
>hit the ground, destroys wood floor and the beam we're both standing over
>both crash through three floors, falling on caltrops set on the ground floor that our wizard obligingly hovered us over
>fuckyouimstillabarbarian
>priestess is unconscious
>raise axe for coup de grace
>goddamn paladin jumps down on me because we "can't kill a prisoner hurr durr"
>bros are getting beat up pretty bad three floors up
>crit on paladin, cut priestess' head off, book it to the top floor and beat a soldier half to death with priestess' head
>intimidate through the roof
>rage ends, ohgodwheredidthisdamagecomefrom
>they surrender
Extend rage: the best feat?

>Party of two new players and brother
>3.5
>Face three basic monster manual goblins
>Two of three at -6 and -8 before stabilizing
>Third is at 3 HP
>Them rolls

A Fallout homebrew game with a couple of mates had this awesome event:

>Me, Eastern Brotherhood outcast
>Friend A, Ghoul medic
>Friend B, Supermutant powerhouse
>Fighting "bugems"
>Ridiculously overpowered, DM homebrewed
>First round
>Ghoul attempts to fire three rounds at a Bugem
>Nat 1
>Misses first shot, fumbles
>Second shot hits his own foot
>Third round explodes Bugems head

For a bit of perspective, it took three rounds of the supermutant clubbing this thing at full damage per round to incapacitate it.

>Playing Black Crusade
>Sorcerer, Chosen, and Renegade (me) are sneaking into some forgotten temple to steal Archaeotech
>We have some human warlord and some DarkMech with us
>SUDDENLY, CULTISTS OF NURGLE
>Every cultist that dies becomes nurglings
>Massive horde of nurglings
>I have a Demo Charge
>GM: "95 and below hit. It's that big"
>Roll
>96
>Demo Charge blows up in my hand, warlord (our employer) is *almost* killed, his dragon-mount is vaporized
>Chosen orders DarkMech to heal warlord first because I'm a fuck-up
>I bleed to death in a corner two rounds later

3.5 playing a paladin who loves getting bitches on his dick.

Walk into a bar and see what the DM describes as "A bartender so beautiful her Charisma can't be quantified in numbers" knowing this will bait me.

I roll to seduce, nat1

walk up to her, cough, grab her left tit and say "I'M A PALADIN SO I DON'T HAVE DISEASES!"

>>21090782
>5% chance to instant kill anything
This is why instant kill crits do not work in d20 systems.

>>21090785
>I FUCKED YOUR HUSBAND IN THE ASS
FY OCHR

>>21092122
That's why hero's crits were invented, you need 3 20's in a row to instantly kill a guy, and 1/8000 is a perfectly reasonable number for a miracle shot

>>21090785
Oh goodness, this reminds me of a bard I played years ago

>King hires group to rescue his daughter
>Find her in a bandit camp that took a 2 weeks to travel their
>Rescue princess
>Roll to seduce, nothing special
>Make passionate love with her
>Eventually return her to King
>King tells party to ask for any reward
>My bard ask for his daughters hand in marriage
>He ask me why I should be allowed
>Roll for diplomacy
>Nat 1
>CAUSE I ALREADY HUMPED IT AND DUMPED IT

>tutorial session for 4e
>be playing Warlord
>go into combat with some goblin minions and a few bigger ones
>kill most of them, used encounter ability already
>last big gobbo
>use daily
>nat 1

Pretty meh story, but then

>actual campaign
>3rd encounter
>last chamber of a kobold dungeon
>oh shit a dragon
>actually was a wyrmling or something
>run up to it valiantly
>use daily to damage it as much as possible and maybe inflict some status effects
>nat 1

What made it worse was that the Psion threw it across the room with his mind, killing it. There was one kobold minion left. It took the ardent, the rogue and myself 2 turns each to hit it.

My bad luck with powers continued throughout that campaign, every time I used an encounter or daily ability it would miss.

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>>21091476
I'm so making the group take "Roll for awesomeness" rolls next time I GM.

>>21091476
>have player roll awesomeness to see what happens
Now there's an idea

>DMing a game that no one regularly shows up to; only wanted a party of 4, but due to schedules, had like 8 players in total, but 2-3 at any given time.
>Anyways, one night, everyone shows up. Everyone.
>I declare there are too many players to DM and they must settle it with a battle royale.
>one of the players is an awakened house cat paladin named Mr. Boots or some shit
>one of the players is a stoner ginger viking IRL
>tl;dr, stoner crit Mr. Boots, explodes a cat so hard that everyone else stops and feels bad

>battling skeletons
>dagger stab
>nat1, miss
>battle continues as normal
anyone else?

>Play terrible druid build.
>Main weapon is bow.
>Terrible shooting is infamous in the gaming group now.
>Fighters bring down arrowhawk by throwing swords at it.
>they can't kill it on the ground now.
>I saunter up to it and whack it with bow
>crits
>arrowhawk dies
>I get xp for the kill

U mad fighters?

>>21092370

>awakened house cat paladin named Mr. Boots

what

>>21092380

>>climbing
>>nat 1, still enough to beat DC 15 because of awesome strenght and having put skillranks in it, plus classskill
>>describe a closecall but pulling through

Remember guys, skills don't actually auto-fail at a nat 1 (although they'll likely do)

>>21092416

Yeah, it really should have been Sir Boots if he was a paladin.

>Dark Heresy
>Techpriest shooting open lockers with a las pistol
>One of them contains grenades
>I inform him to roll BS to see if he hit the lock
>Nat 00
>Roll for damage
>Exploding dice
>Techpriest single-handedly destroyed a flagship of the Imperium of Man with a laspistol

>fighting troll
>just me and one other PC in fighting shape, others dead or useless
>that's it, the old man's gotta take the front lines
>roll crit, chop off troll's leg
>troll is down
>go to stab it in the brain with my metal claws (playing a home-brew mole folk) to end this ASAP
>1
>DM declares I'm going to accidentally stab myself, so roll again for that
>1
>DM seems briefly confused, tells me to roll yet again
>1
>okay... uhm... roll again
>19
>Ultimately determines my legendarily terrible rolls resulted in me indeed critically stabbing the troll in the brain
>after flailing like a retard
>right through the mage teammate who was attempting to use burning hands on its head
>he's basically nailed onto the troll's head
>my claws are stuck in the both of them
>while the troll's going through death seizures due to the brain stabbing
>all in about three feet of water

I WAS TRULY AN ASSET TO THE TEAM.

ITT people who think that critical failure equals acting like braindead morons

>>21092491
>Exploding dice
I just got that.

>playing homebrew D&D
>playing a human ranger, scouting ahead as my group goes through a patch of woods
>climb up a tree to get a better look ahead
>see a bunch of wild hogs approaching from ahead
>signal to the party that there's trouble with hogs up ahead
>they tell me there's trouble with hogs behind us too
>surrounded by hogs
>tell party to regroup near the base of the tree I'm in
>I'm the only ranged one in the group
>start shooting arrows into the hogs up ahead
>their leader roars out instructions in English, and they start charging us, a la Princess Mononoke
>party members are doing their best to fend them off, but are suffering massive damage
>the hogs' leader gores our fighter, and he flies into a tree with a gaping hole in his chest
>I've killed about 15 hogs with my arrows by now, but I'm out of ammo and only have my bow and an extremely brittle dagger with me
>the hog leader charges at the nearly unconscious fighter again
>jump at him from my perch and roll to hit him with my bow
>nat 20
>the edge of the bow catches in its eye-socket and gets driven into his brain by my weight bearing down on it. The hog dies and the remaining ones scatter.

The fighter survived.

>>21092625
Hey, I only act as straight-up retarded as the DM decrees, I agree that the general view of what happens when you roll a 1 is too extreme. There's a difference between doing a really bad job and apparently briefly going straight self-destructive.

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>>21092667

>>21092491
It's always the Techpriests, isn't it?
If they're not driving the group off of a cliff or waking up a tomb full of Necrons and opening a portal to another tomb on the otherside of the planet or turning the facilitie servitors into blood thirsty cyborg slaughter machines they're finding obtuse ways in which to make everybody's day that little bit more painful.

moreplz

>>21092207
>Roll for diplomacy
>Nat 1
>CAUSE I ALREADY HUMPED IT AND DUMPED IT
SO HOW'D IT GO.

>>21092757
Tell me about it!

>First OnlyWar session
>Come up against armored door
>Techpriest has krak grenades for some reason
>Attaches to door and rolls max damage
>Explosion blows out the floor around us
>DM rolls on his tables...
>PCs are fine but...
>All our Comrades die
>All except one who's left impaled by 3 metal spikes through his chest
>Medicae chest reveals he'll die soon and should be put out of his misery ;_;

2nd time playing Only War:
>In valkyrie en route to a place we are going to ambush a convoy of orks
>Operator rolls pilot test
>nat 100 - crit fail
>Somehow manages to crash Valkyrie into jungle 2kms from where we want to be
>DM rolls on his charts again....
>Oh, look, our comrades are dead again!
>ALL OF THEM

Last one, not as bad as it could have been, considering the tables you roll on, but still funny.
>Still in aforementioned Only War session
>Psyker rolls to assail orks with rocks
>Unfettered
>Rolls 77 (Doubles = psychic phenomena)
>rolls 87 (Perils of the warp)
>ohBoyHereWeGo.jpg
>only rolls 14 (phew...)
>"Psyker is flung 3d10 meters into the air
>Rolled 27
>Oh shit
>Falling damage is 1d10 + meters fell
>mfw our psker with 13 wounds takes 31 damage in his first round of combat
>Critical tables for arm: 7
>"With a loud snap, the arm bone is shattered and left hanging limply at the target's side, dribbling blood
onto the ground. The arm is broken and, until repaired, the target counts as having only one arm. The target suffers from Blood Loss. "

>>21090924
That shit is classic chaotic neutral
>No no, I'm not evil, just ethically challenged.

File: 1350043993565.png-(780 KB, 948x932, band of the sterling fist.png)

>party ranger goes to gypsy bazaar
>gypsies bein' gypsies
>one of them tries convincing him this rug is magic in some way
>works by laying down on it and wrapping yourself up in it
>ranger has no social skills and is disoriented by all the people in the city and market, used to forests and shit, goes along with it out of confusion
>gypsy drags the rug into the back, ranger and his baboon animal companion (who was on his back when he got wrapped up and is thust rapped too) get beaten into unconsciousness
>sorta groggy, he manages to make out enough to figure out that he's being sold to slavers
>makes a brief escape attempt, gets beaten back into unconsciousness
>wakes up in cell

Now, I'd like to point out: This was set up with the intent being that this would give the ranger a chance to get his PrC's pre-req ("Spend at least one week living alone in a dungeon complex."), though if he didn't want to do that right now he could just wait for us to bust him out, nice'n easy.

But instead.

>ranger wakes up in cell
>no weapons/armor
>some straw to lay down in the corner of the room
>guard at the end of the hall
>ranger realizes he'll have to do some splinter cell shit to escape
>we're all looking at him wondering what he'll try saying to the guard
>instead, he looks at the straw in the corner

Field getting too long, cont in another post.

File: 1350044277080.png-(37 KB, 777x654, dndmonks.png)

>Playing a 3.5 game.
>Be a level 3 Rune Mage (cannibalized from a DnD v1 book), rest of party includes a thief, barbarian, druid, and a waterbender.
>Be in a cave after hearing there was treasure here.
>Half way through, we encounter 3 higher level Dwarven berserkers.
>Party whittles them down, but taking heavy damage. Finally, only one remains.
>My turn. Out of usable spells. Last dwarf is turned away from me.
>Roll grapple to jump on the dwarf's back and choke him out.
>Roll a 19. Dwarf rolls a 1.
>Proceed to choke the dwarf out. It falls backwards onto me.
>Still in choke hold, coup de grace by snapping his neck.

Pic is not mine, but definitely fits the topic.

>>21091172
I did one similar to this. We were trying to kidnap a guy I think, and his wife answered the door. I was the face character and it was not going well. I didn't want to shoot or stab her, so I said, "I bop her in the face with the head of my cane", which was my non-lethal weapon. It did Str+d4, which for me was 1d8+1d4, but with exploding damage. So I roll 1 on the d8, then I roll 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 3. I hit the woman so hard her entire face caves in and she is thrown back into a giant glass cabinet full of commemorative dinner plates. GM asks what I do next. "I guess I go inside."

File: 1350044543577.jpg-(29 KB, 460x307, mittromneyprofile.jpg)

>>21093069
>"rolling to harness my latent psionic abilities and ignite the straw"
>we all laugh
>DM says he can't do that
>we all basically collectively say "c'mooooooon", he relents
>nat 20
>DM sort of just stares for a second, tells him to roll again
>18 or something like that, treated as a Concentration check so still above 20 (forget the exact value)
>"Some smoke starts to rise up from the straw."
>he lets it start burning, guard comes rushing over, opens the door and runs in to stamp it out
>we expect the Ranger to knock him out
>instead he just leaves
>like, seriously, the guard is freaking out trying to stomp out this fire and he just walks out
>gives no fucks
>gets to end of the hallway
>hallway opens up into a larger room with three guards in it, they all stand up when they see him enter
>ranger's baboon is in a cage in the room, there's a chest that presumably has all of his weapons and armor in it
>enemies all rush at him
>player describes his character making an extremely intense face (making it himself to illustrate, something like pic but a bit more intense), pressing the index and middle finger on each hand to his forehead, focusing his psionic power at the enemy
>rolls Concentration
>like a 9
>enemies roll to hit on their charge
>DM just sort of pauses and looks up at us
>looks backs down at his dice behind his screen
>looks up, back down

>>21093111
>"I was planning to just have them beat you up and put you back in the cage. But... I just rolled two ones and a two. Um..."
>DM rolls his critfail table (made it himself)
>one of the guards breaks his ankle as he runs, another trips over him, the third swings wildly and completely misses
>as far as the Ranger is concerned, he did this with his mind
>runs off, saves monkey, grabs equipment
>manages to escape the area before anyone else comes after him

And that's the story of how the party ranger unlocked his psionic potential /and/ escaped from slavers completely non-violently. By walking out.

>>21093120
>"rolling to harness my latent psionic abilities and ignite the straw"

I have to try this with a dumb-as-bricks fighter.

File: 1350045196260.png-(407 KB, 444x460, Im rich! i win!.png)

>>21090564
ok...ok...
I laughed like a hog

one of my players:
>mad at cleric
>roll to attack cleric
>roll one, hit the opposite at what she was aiming at
>hit enemy fighting cleric
>crit it to death

>sneaky rogue thief
>roll to silently walk down stairs and spy on lich and troll
>1
>fall down stairs, land on wine bottles
>try to recover
>Help Me!
>1 on Bluff

Not that I didn't grin, but do you faggots really let people roll on everything and have it happen if people roll a 20? Non-D&D player here, I am just confused that characters in the system seem to have a 5% chance to succeed at everything.

>>21093191
20 is an instant success

Unless it's some absolutely crazy thing, in which case I tell them to roll another 20 to make it work.

>>21093180
>that very battle
>run away
>party kills lich and troll, we have to deal with a second pair
>they burst in, see dead monsters and little halfling (I'm a strongheart halfling lol)
>i'm growling like a bulldog over the dead bodies
>monsters WAT
>Party is in ambush position
>thrown daggers with Ijutsu (overpowered lol)
>kill lich before anyone else acts
>capcha: niggya and

>>21093191
Depends on the DM. Nat 20s don't actually mean anything for skill checks, but some DMs and a lot of players think it's funnier/cooler when they do.

>>21093202
Auto-success on skill checks is actually just a very common house-rule, unless they made it official in 4E.

File: 1350046181917.jpg-(19 KB, 509x385, 03a.jpg)

>Party spots some four ogres in their path and decide to sneak around them
>Wizard rolls 1 on stealth.
>OHSHIT.jpg
>One of the ogres spot them, toss a boulder at the wizard
>Giant rolls 1
>He hits his friend in the head with a boulder, the other ogre charges and tackles him
>Fight becomes an ogre clusterfuck melee
>Party just books it in the chaos, manages to evade ogres
>"...And three ogres ate well that night!"

File: 1350046253287.jpg-(38 KB, 334x485, 1284999462098.jpg)

>Rogue Trader, Played a Navigator
>Rolled a 99 on the ship's first dip into the Warp.
>Fate Point: Rolled a 100
>GM is all like "Fuck it, I'll let you use your last fate point even though the rules disallow it."
>Other players give me their best dice to roll.
>Another 100
>Failed rolls all around for the rest of the characters on each of their chances to somehow keep the ship from being destroyed.
I crashed the ship into space and we all died.

>Trying to negotiate with a pyromancer not exactly known for her patience
>DM says she's getting aggravated with us wasting our time; roll Diplomacy to convince her to keep listening rather than roast you where you stand
>Natural 1
>Ohshitohshitohshit, we are so dead
>Wait! Use fatespinner PrC ability to reroll!
>Natural 20
>Whole table cheers

>>21093191
Really, it's just that it feels more dramatic when it's a 20. Lets say you're using threat confirmation rules, fighting a bad guy that's been a huge deal to you all. You can hit him on a 16 or above. You deal the killing blow.

Which will make the memory more intense, a 17 or a 20?

It's a combination of the story "sounding better" when there are 1s or 20s and the memory being better cemented in your mind when it's a 1 or 20. For example, the first time my Bard got a 30 on a Perform check, it was on a "Perform (Cunnilingus)" check on a fey. Note that according to the SRD, a 30 or higher can attract extradimensional attention. So not only is this a big deal for a bard, the fact that it was on /that/ makes it freaking hilarious (that was about a month ago in-game time and we're still only just touching upon the consequences). I don't remember what I rolled, though. It wasn't a 20, but it was high. 18? 19? I forget. I only remember the results.

A lot of the time, when it's not a 20 or a 1, people just don't mention the roll itself, they just say they /did/ roll.

>>21093191
Personally, I'm far more bothered by the 5% chance to catastrophically fail at everything. Nobody crashes 5% of the time they ride a bike, or break 5% of every dish they wash, or trip 5% of the time when running. Yet in D&D, evidently practically every task has a 5% chance to be monumentally screwed up no matter how mundane.

Yes, my DM has made us roll to run, and I've rolled a 1 and face-planted. On just a standard field. Tripping should never be that likely for a competent adult WHO CAN DODGE EXPLOSIONS NO LESS.

>>21093292
That's just bad DMing. You're not supposed to make people roll for anything that they'd almost always succeed at, unless they're under extenuating circumstances or stress.

File: 1350046895866.jpg-(23 KB, 600x337, wat.jpg)

>Party of fresh, new characters are in a bar at the very start of an adventure
>Party idiot gets in a fight with an NPC who was, admittedly, being an ass
>Party muscle joins the fight to help out our idiotbro
>Punches NPC in the face, rolls insanely high (open-ended d100 roll).
>Max damage and an E-level crit (highest level). Rolls for the crit table, insanely high again
>According to the description in the crit table, he liquified the NPC's entire skeleton with one punch to the face

>my DM's face when

>make character with 3-20 crit character for fun
>go to pvp my friend
>laugh as my two-weapon fighting is strong as shit
>roll 1
>crit self
>kill self

or

>playing D&D with my little bro
>he's standing near a pool of acid
>friend goes to push him in
>fails to push him
>decides to reroll
>nat 1
>failed to push him in and fell in himself
well that was the end of that character.... 5 minutes into the event.

>>21093292
First off, >>21093303 is right that you aren't supposed to roll for mundane tasks.

Also, critical success/failure on skill and ability checks is pure houserule territory. By RAW, a nat 1 doesn't auto-fail a skill check, nor does a nat 20 auto-succeed. In fact, I'm pretty sure attack rolls and saves are the *only* things with critical succes/failure.

But the thing is, it's fun. If people didn't have fun with critical success/failure, (a) they'd play by RAW rather than houseruling it in, and (b) we wouldn't get threads like this so often.

>>21093269
*wasting HER time

File: 1350047078115.png-(10 KB, 111x107, 1295250419398.png)

>>21093303
This, to an extent. Mind you, there's some stuff where it's easy for the player to accidentally go full retard. Swim checks are a good example. If you're just swimming in calm water, you can take 10. You only need a 10 to swim normally, so if your character isn't debilitatingly weak (in which case it makes sense), you should be able to swim properly even if you're not trained in it. But it's veeery easy to slip up and say "I swim over there, rolling Swim" because you're used to rolling for most things. Then you roll a 7 and sink, then you start to panic and forget (again) that you can take 10 and it just spirals out of control.

I think I'm the reason my party in my nautical campaign hasn't died, because I constantly remind people that we can take 10 on this stuff. I'm gradually annoying my DM more and more, I feel, because I've more-or-less memorized the Swim rules and keep using them in ways he didn't expect.

>find shipwreck
>go to cargo hold, a lot of crates
>start unloading them, full of guns guns guns
>a lot of stuff poured out of the back side of the ship to the seafloor
>DM intended this to just serve as a justification for why we weren't getting the amount of stuff you'd expect in the cargo hold of a galleon
>I have a 16 CON, so I can hold my breath for 32 rounds
>dorf, so darkvision
>I go down and get all the loot off the seafloor too
>DM's face when

We now have a cargo hold full of guns. Waterlogged guns that we don't have ammo for, but still. Guns. We could arm a small nation. They might not be able to fight, but they'd certainly give anyone pause if they saw 'em marching.

Not that I have any plans or anything.

Fighting some horrible ratmen as some badass, Muslim cleric guy. We're surrounded, and I fucking failed my attack epically, so epically my mace goes FLYING, and the fucker stabbed me in the forehead. And I died, the end.

>>21093292
At least in WFRP2e, the thing about skillchecks outside of combat is that it's mainly for extraordinary circumstances. Riding your bike around town wouldn't get a roll. Trying to outrun a chaos spawn with tank treads and 2 giant lance-arms chasing you would be a roll.

Crit success/fail rules suck in DnD.

They sorta naturally occur in FATE though due to the way The Ladder works, and are also much rarer due to the way the dice work. I can dig that.

>>21093373
That's part of why I've always been fascinated by the 3d6 variant for D&D. Makes it a bell curve instead of a flat line, crits become much rarer (and thus much more impactful).

But conversations with my group about variant rules tend to end up with "yeah, that's interesting/cool, but seems like a bit of a hassle to get used to, I'd rather just stick with what we're used to".

Don't get me wrong, I fucking love my group. I just sort of feel like mixing it up more often than they do.

>Paladin tanking for the wizard
>Two Ogres coming up to shit stomp us
Me:Hey, if I fail an intimidate can that be used as a taunt?
DM: Sure whatever
>"I FUCKING MURDERED YOUR PARENTS"
>20
>Ogres flee
Well that was easy

>>21093394
Oh as an explanation I turned that Paladin into a Grey Guard so I could be the dark knight

The one time I played a PnP game (shit man, been way too long) I managed to have an action-hero moment due to a whole lot of consecutive good rolls.

So we were stuck in this walled-in place that was being used as a ruthless training ground for the organisation our characters were part of. First, I survive laying explosives and blasting a hole in a door we were trying to escape out of by leaping to safety before the explosion. Second, I steal a horse cart, roll high on my handle animal check, and then go to pick up my friends who are being assailed by wyvern-riders.

Nat 20 ride as I gallop through the wyvern-riders' threatened areas, picking up my friends as I go. DM rules that I manage to flawlessly dodge through as the riders' attempts to spear me as I somehow manage to duck and weave through the chaos of battle on that horse cart. Unfortunately, the way out was back the other way.

My friends rescued, I turn back around and manage to avoid the wyverns a SECOND time on my way back through them to the makeshift doorway I blasted earlier. In only a few minutes, my fighter had single-handedly rescued the entire party and get us out of the training exercise with a full commendation from our superior officers. My fighter got a promotion out of it, if I remember correctly. From that point on, I was sort of the de-facto leader of the group. It was swell.

>>21093303
So, lets say my character needs to jump and grab something. We're in a dungeon but there's no particular dangers at the moment. Is that a rolling situation?

Because I mean, in real life, I can't remember the last time I critically failed trying to jump and grab something. I either reached it or didn't, and that's about it. Not like 1 in 20 times you fall and break your leg from a standing jump.

The fact that the randomization of a D20 causes there to be a ridiculous amount of variation is another issue entirely that I'm not even touching here, the issue at hand is that it seems that da rules may not be in agreement with the DM on just how much needs to be rolled.

>>21093388

As a statistics grognard this appeals to me on a very deep level. The main complaint I can see from my group is that they like the d20 because of its significance to the whole gaming subculture.

It's too bad for them I'm the DM.

>>21093564
you have skill modifiers, so its not completely random.

>>21093564

>roll to drink a beer
>nat 1
>smash the mug into your face so hard it shatters

>roll to sweep floor
>nat 1
>impale self on broom, make a saving roll against death

Yeah, it's a little silly. Like >>21093577 said though, it helps to have modifiers.

>>21093577
I know it's not completely random, but consider how high you can jump over a few tries. I bet the variation is of a far smaller percentage than what a D20 accounts for, even if the character has a constant +10 to Jump.

>>21093614
use appropriate dice then.

>>21093619
But then you also have to rewrite the DCs as well, which are written assuming you're dealing with anywhere between 1 and 20 to start with.

>>21093564
In that situation, you can take 10. If you want, you can take 20, which takes much more time, but is basically the equivalent of jumping over and over again until you reach something IRL. And again, a failure on a skill check doesn't normally mean something catastrophic happens. Failing to disarm a trap may activate it. Failing to jump over a chasm will result in falling into it. Failing a standing jump on solid ground while trying to grab something would result in not grabbing the thing. Nothing more, nothing less.

>>21093574
Yeah, the gaming subculture thing is a huge part of it. I'm going to start DMing my first campaign soon, and I'll be honest, I intend to use a d20 for that. Though that's partially because it's for a guy who has never played D&D, so I want to teach him with relatively core rules.

>>21093626
homebrew.

I was playing a timid, scholarly cleric whose first tactic in a conflict was to settle things verbally before reporting to violence.

>First seriously threatening encounter
>Fighting an ifrit
>Hey, I speak Ignan
>Roll Diplomacy
>1
>"HEY, FAGGOT, LET'S TALK THIS OUT"

>Next town
>Get suckered into a drinking contest
>Get hammered
>Remember I have an appointment with the local priest
>"Just give me the bottle to go, barkeep, I have to go to church"
>Walk.outside
>Stopped by town guards
>"You're a little too drunk to be out here, sir"
>"Wha? Nah, jus lemme through, I'm headed to chapel"
>"Sir, let us take you to the inn so you can get a room"
>"Won' be necessry, thank y'."
>Roll Diplomacy
>Another natural 1
>"I fight for the Lor--BLARGH"
>Throw up on the guard's shoes
>They reach for their weapons
>I shove one out of the way
>Strength Devotion activated
>He falls over unconscious
>Party sorcerer hears the ruckus
>Grabs me, drags me back inside
>"FOR (hic) GLORY"

>>21093655
>>First seriously threatening encounter
>>Fighting an ifrit
>>Hey, I speak Ignan
>>Roll Diplomacy
>>1
>>"HEY, FAGGOT, LET'S TALK THIS OUT"

And that's why you say exactly what you want to tell the person and /then/ roll if your DM tells you to. Nothing is worse than giving a grand speech and then rolling Diplomacy without being asked, only to get a 7 after mods.

I'm of the opinion that if you can roleplay something out and it fits your character, you shouldn't have to roll to represent that, particularly if the penalty for failure doesn't make sense given what you've done. Fortunately my DMs in the past have agreed with me on it.

>>21093639
If I take 20 on a jump, that would just mean that my character successfully jumped whatever the height that 20 + his Jump ranks allowed, right?

ANd to be clear, you're saying that officially, rolling a 1 on a standing jump on flat, solid ground with no particular dangers at hand shouldn't really mean much more than that my character just did a pretty weak jump that time? I totally understand failing to jump across a chasm being a big problem, but I don't think that a simple standing jump could reasonably go very wrong in the first place.

>>21093675
What about people playing an officially charismatic character, who has 18 charisma, but are personally god-awful at actually roleplaying being charismatic? Do they have to roll every time?

I ask this from personal experience, because a guy like that is in our game. Without rolls and stats to make his character be charismatic, he'd be totally screwed at playing that character.

Oh god, this thread made me remember a good one. I'd forgotten that the reason one of my characters got taken away and became the BBEG was because of an extremely good roll.

>playing one-armed rogue who is slightly crazy and likes to cause problems for the party
>campaign at the moment was saving town from zombies while protecting small child
>find out we can get rid of zombies by killing necromancer in charge
>kill necromancer
>his boss comes out and decides she wants to take the small child and turn her evil
>"WAIT! DON'T TAKE HER!" our paladin tries to roll diplomacy, but fails as he'd have to roll extremely well to get past her roll
>I step forward
>"TAKE ME INSTEAD."
>first time my character has done anything heroic, everyone is kind of surprised
>roll dice, figuring I'm going to fuck up
>nat 20
>"...OKAY THEN"
>villain takes my character away
>DM takes my character sheet
>entire table bursts into treats laughing

Her character motivation turned her into a really fucking cool villain, too. So I guess it was a win.

>>21093701
>or people who put INT as a dump stat, but role play like it's an 18.

>>21093863
also story
>playing AD&D, 9th level Wizard
>fighting BBEG alone, rest of party fighting at the town gate
>BBEG traps me in a bone cage - similar to what diablo casts in diablo II
>oh fuck
>look at spell list, have 1 left
>teleport
>look up at my DM "I'm gonna teleport"
>DM laughs "where to anon?"
>"Behind the BBEG"
>perfect teleport roll
>Nat 20 on attack roll, max knockdown (best mechanic ever), with my staff
>BBEG gets knocked out, tie him up
>DM's face was priceless

>>21093954
I love it when the DM is taken completely by surprise.

We had our asshole rogue dump milk on a king once, just to be a random dick, and we got out of it because he rolled a 20 when he said "You deserved it".

Apparently the king was feeling guilty about his daughter getting kidnapped and started crying. It was kind of hilarious.

>>21093701
>>21093863

That's why I don't like it when DMs predicate social roll success on role-playing. It means that shy character trying to be a smooth-talker is doomed, while the frail but socially skilled guy with a burly barbarian gets to roleplay his way out of his terrible social stats while receiving no penalties for not being able to swing much less kill someone with a greataxe.

I understand that this is an asymmetry inherent in RPGs, which are a social exercise, and I understand that nobody likes it when a player doesn't make an effort to get into character, but a balance must be made.

File: 1350054173772.jpg-(12 KB, 252x240, 1350054076706.jpg)

another AD&D story
>playing a wild mage (always got stuck with spell caster)
>big demon thing after us
>last one alive, rest of party got eaten by him
>try to cast magic missile
>spell surges
>might be good, might be bad - always interesting
>roll for what happens
>DM read it from his book (didnt want me to know the possibilities or whatever)
>closes book
>puts it down
>leaves the room
>we all look around like wtf?
>pick up book and look myself
>mfw "Target turns to stone."

File: 1350054476651.gif-(1.02 MB, 424x333, 1341801505153.gif)

No interesting stories from the gaming table (good or bad?), so have these instead:

>sitting on couch as a party winds down
>completely shitfaced
>negative modifiers all around
>obese chick climbs on top of me
>repeatedly roll grapple checks
>1's all around
>i still wake up screaming some nights

Crit success:

>high school
>girl I know walks up to me in Chemistry
>"Hey, so and so asked me to prom."
>oh? why are you telling me?
>"Yeah, I really don't want to go with him though."
>don't even pause to think of what to say
>"Don't worry. Tell him that I'm taking you."
>holy shit did i actually say that
>.gif related

Probably the only Charisma-related check I've ever passed.

>>21092279
>Not picking reliable daily powers
ISHIGGITY

In Deathwatch, our group was sent to a planet to invetigate a space hulk that had crashed there. As soon as we made planetfall with our Thunderhawk, an Ork fighter attacked us. The pilot rolls to avoid, and rolls 100. The Thunderhawk crashes into a mountainside, flips on its back and slides all the way down. Took us a week in-game to walk to our objective, battling Orks all the way.

Later, I was playing Black Crusade with the same group. We have a houserule that a critical failure (95-100) in melee makes you drop a weapon, like a critfail in shooting causes your weapon to jam. Our Chosen keeps dropping his shit in every single combat. At one point he dropped his power sword, pulled out his combat knife and immediately dropped that as well, and proceeded to just punch his enemies to death before picking up his weapons and getting them tied to his wrists with chains.

>>21094241

And then the black templars were born

>>21092207
>OFF WITH HIS HEAD
>HAHA! You think this is my real head!?

>>21090661
Your DM is good people for rewarding your roleplay.
And you are for rolling with the 1.

>>21093213
They mentioned that it /could/ be done as a houserule, in a sidebar, in the DMG, along with suggestions for critfail tables etc.
It was in no way official. But then again, most of the 4E DMG is "You can also do this! Or this! Or this! But you don't have to... I-it's not like I like you or anything, DM-bake..."

>>21093679
For the first one: Not quite. "Taking 20" is shorthand for "taking enough time that, if you had rolled, you eventually would have gotten that result anyway". Roughly speaking, Taking 20 should take 10-20 times as long as the action normally would. So if it would normally take a minute, now it takes twenty minutes. So for a jump, which is about a round, it would probably take about a minute of you jumping up and down; if anyone in anyway was informed of your presence, that's time during which you could easily be interrupted. It also implies that you /failed/ the check several times while attempting it. That's why you can't take 20 on disarming a trap or jumping over a chasm, but opening a lock is fine (just be careful, some locks are trapped themselves, so if you take 20 on that, the trap would go off, as an example). However, other than that, yes, 20 + your Jump modifier (so ranks + str bonus + misc mods).

And yes, according to the D&D 3.5e skill check rules as written by WotC, there is no such thing as "critfailing" on a skill check. Failure at a simple task is failure at a simple task, that is humiliation enough.

This was in the StarWars d20.

>On Tatoonie. Imperials infect us with disease, say we need to try to stop evil cult, find out what they were planning, to earn the cure.
>Party consists of Twi'lek Rogue, Human Jedi, Rabbit-type-species Warrior, and myself, Human Tribal Jedi (Medic/Wiseman, only the Warrior knew I was a Jedi.).
>Warrior is gullible, HJ and Rogue are retarded.
>Track down cult to a large warehouse full of cargo crates, big fight with a few soldiers, and a Sith.
>I use my Bow&Arrows to support party, manage to get it down to Sith and 1 soldier.
>Rest of party KOed, I have 3 HP left.
>All Force powers besides healing-based ones are only at base level.
>"I'd like to try to use Force Push on the wall of cargo crates behind him."
>20
>KOed Sith, heal party. Find out cult was planning on releasing a hyper-virulent species which would eat planet from crates.
>Gather the terroristic cargo. Jedi and Rogue decide they want to take all the weapons they can't use.
>DM says it could only fit in a cargo ship, me and the Rogue only have Piloting skills for Personal Class ships.
>Voice my objections.
>Overruled, Rogue and Jedi convince Warrior. They stock the cargo ship with explosives and weapons, as well as the eggs for the Imperials.
>Refuse to Pilot.
>Aiming to land in a sort of parking garage.
>Rogue rolls 1 for landing.
>Run to assist, manage to lessen crash.
>Party KOed but me, at 1 HP.
>Imperials storm into trip, start yelling at me.
>Notice crate is broken open, eggs are starting to hatch.
>"I'd like to roll Illusion to make one of the soldiers see a cultist where the explosive crate is."
>Nat 20.
>Imperial soldier turns and shoots the explosive crate, blows up the ship and kills everyone.
>Saved the world despite retards.
>Feels good, man.

>>21094027
No matter the diplomacy roll, "I fucked your father last night" is never going to be a good reason to not go to war (in most circumstances at least, context may vary).

>>21093701
That's hard for me to judge, given I'm an 18 CHA type of guy IRL. You shouldn't have to roleplay something you aren't, but personally, I think that it's possible to be charismatic in-game when you aren't IRL. It's a game of fantasy and pretend, just imagine you're Commander Shepard for a moment to get in character. When someone complains that they can't RP a charismatic person, I think that's a sign that they aren't comfortable enough at the table to lose themselves IC completely, not that they should have to roll for it.

Of course, giving them a minute or two to chew over their words and try to pick what they want to say is okay. I fully understand it, it's a narrative that the group is writing together, some parts of it require more thought. But flat-out just "no, I roll to convince him to do x"? If you're going to do that, /don't play a charismatic character/. You aren't having fun doing the charisma stuff, your group isn't having fun when you do the charisma stuff, your DM isn't having fun (and might be slightly pissed if he tried to play the NPC as someone interesting and now they aren't speaking because it's "roll, okay they're convinced"). At least one guy in your group is probably willing/eager to actually roleplay a guy who is suave, give him the chance to. It will be more fun for everyone if the face roleplays as a face instead of a generic rollbot. If no one wants to be the face, consider playing a different type of campaign or asking the DM to have an NPC herd you around. Why force someone to play as something they don't want to (or "can't", which I still disagree with personally) be?

That's just me, though, and you're fully welcome to never want to be in a game I run. But that's the way my first DM ruled it when I tried to get lazy and say "can I just roll instead of saying what my character says?", and honestly, the game is much better when I have to talk for my character every time.

>>21090782
You were playing Prince of Persia: Sands of Time.

dark heresy.
>go into a bar looking for information on a cultist.
>in full guardsmen attire
>fellowship everywhere and passing like a boss
>last check to get in is -20 even after my modifiers to help me out.
> "they trust me enough, it cant go too wrong"
>100
fuckme.jpg
>IM GOING TO SHOOT YOUR LEADER IN THE EMPEROR LOVING MOUTH!
>30 guns pointed at me.
>psyker finally remembers to show up. sees the guns and just says nope and walks out.
>slowly back my way out
>"im going to use my camo kit to paint a rock like a grenade"
>1
>its so convincing that im a bit freaked myself.
> chuck through door.
>"GRENADE!!!! *waiting* haha. its just a fuckin rock!"
>i now throw a live nade
>1
>"we know its a--"
>grenade kills 6 guys and starts the bar on fire
not bad for a first day as a guardsmen

>>21094027
>socially skilled guy with a burly barbarian gets to roleplay his way out of his terrible social stats while receiving no penalties for not being able to swing much less kill someone with a greataxe.

That's called metagaming, and if you allow it, it's your own problem. If someone acts in a way that doesn't fit their character, what do you do?

YOU CALL THEM OUT ON IT. /Regardless/ of how it does or doesn't fit them.

The guy with 18 INT and 10 WIS is going to try attacking a castle by himself? "Bradley, does it make sense for your character to do something that stupid?"

The 10 CHA woodsman Ranger is trying to hussle a shopkeep? "When'd your guy manage to get so good at smooth talking?"

I myself have been called out on it. I love to get into moral debates in-universe, but my current character has 6 WIS. Once or twice I've slipped up and started doing it, but the DM reigns me in right quick. Since then, I've gotten better about it, though. Varken's stance on slavery: "It's legal and convenient, I might pick up a few to help row my boat when I've got the cash. Cheaper."

Seriously, bro. Don't force people to roll everything because one guy can't separate character from self. That's stupid.

>Dark heresy
>Fighting some heretics in a water treatment facility
>We've all taken hits at this point, but the cultists have taken a pounding as well
>The heretics bring out heavy weapons, our guardsmen fire their lasguns into one of the treatment tanks setting up a cloud of steam to cover our retreat
>Our psyker decides to use his powers to try and kill the enemy with mind bullets
>1
>DM gives us the biggest shit eating grin imaginable
>"The vile aura of the heretics causes the psyker to lose control, he screams as his mind fractures and spinal fluid leaks from his rapidly disintegrating skull"
>"Eldritch lightning flashes through the steam, picking people apart with malevolent grace"
>The power cells in the guardsmen's lasguns overheat, exploding with the force of melta charges, their former owners slump to the ground dead, nowt but ash where once their torso had been, their legs reduced to half glassed slag
>the lightning continues to lash out, the psyker's death rattle echoing through the air as his headless body spasms and defiles itself on the floor

Only the techpriest made it out and he could barely walk
I hit my DM after that but damn it was a good game

>>21093701

Personally, I have it depend less on their actual persuasive skill and more about their roleplaying. If a player can come up with an argument that seems even mildly plausible most of the time or can maintain their character, I really only have diplomacy rolls when it's something difficult like convincing a queen to let them marry her daughter. Meanwhile, if a player can't or refuses to play in character, I make them roll diplomacy rolls for pretty much any argument they need to do. I feel like it's unfair, but at the same time if they can't give me any sort of thing to run with as a DM beyond "So... I'm leaving now... Goodbye?" as a final parting to their only family member before they leave their village, then we have to leave it to fate and skill points.

>>21094619
a 1 in Dark Heresy would be an exeptional success.

>>21094930
Fuck it man, it was ages ago, I'm getting confused but you know what I mean

Playing pathfinder. I was rolling a regular old Gunslinger no Archetype, toting a Musket and a Blunderbuss. Tank is a warrior that fights in True Spartan fashion (Almost naked but with a big ass shield and a spear), and last but not least one glass canon Rogue.

Level 2 I think.

Anyways we are in camp trying to sleep. Winds turn out the coals of the fire plunging area in darkness. Rogue hears rustling moves stealthily towards it. The tank picks up his shield and spear.

I light a torch.

Rogue is now staring at the beak of an Owl Bear.

Initiative is rolled. I have a pretty high modifier and get to go first.

I drop the torch, quick draw the musket, and fire.

Nat 20.

Roll to confirm.

Nat 20.

Roll a third time.

Nat 20.

Insta kill but I decide to roll damage for shits and giggles. Max damage.

So insta kill, adding to that 52 damage (well over the Owl Bear's total hp), GM rolls the toughness test to not die of massive damage for shits and giggles.

Nat 1.

So the head of the owl bear disintegrates in a shower of gore and grey matter.

My character is standing there, tall and proud. I bring my gun and rest it on my shoulder and say.

"Be the bullet!"

I then get charged by the other owl bear that is pissed that I killed its mate, taken to the ground, and critted to -6 in one hit.

>>21090875
People should learn to lie. If you made me believe this history would be awesome.

>>21092199
>not EXACTLY 1/1000000
Nobody understands Narrativium anymore.

>playing two-handed weapon fighter
>defending castle from an army of orcs, goblins, giants etc
>after a few rounds of ranged to and fro the first giant reaches the wall
>roll to jump onto the giant
>1
>GM gives me a reflex save or something similar to save myself and grab the giant's shoulder
>1
>gives me another to grab on to the giant's belt
>another 1
>tumble check to lessen damage and roll to standing
>ANOTHER FUCKING 1
>land face-down in horde of orcs and goblins, coup de grace'd by an orc barbarian, die
Needless to say, the die responsible is no longer with us. I swear it must have been weighted towards rolling 1s.

Dark Heresy. Fighting zealots in feral world.

One of them gets opened from stem to stern and bleeds all over the ground, transforming it into slippery bloody mud.

Fight continues...in the slippery mud. By definition after an attack is made the player has to roll ag or acrobatics to remain standing.

Player rolls to attack, misses. Rolls acrobatics, 00. Slips on mud and falls to ground. Zealot rolls to attack, misses, rolls ag to remain standing, 96. Falls next to player.

Player uses leap up, rolls acrobatics, 98, slips and falls on his face.

Zealot tries to get up, succeeds, rolls to attack, misses, rolls ag, 99. Falls on his face in the bloody mud.

Player leaps up again, slips, falls. He tries again, 00 falls on his face.

Zealot tries to get up again, BARELY manages it. Rolls to attack, BARELY hits, rolls minimum damage and does not get past player armor. Fails ag check, falls on bloody mud.

One of the other player shoots him, covering the ground in more blood.

Three rounds later the PC gets out of the mud. Covered head to toe in bloody dirt.

All of my facepalms.

>>21092279
my fellow players invented a verb based on my characters name which means both "to miss by the narrowest of margins"

>>21095261
In the Grim Darkness of the forty-first millenium, there is only grim dark mud wrestling.

>captured by cultists, tied up and conscious as they prepare a ritual to bring a demon into this reality by sacrificing me
>try to cut my bonds behind my back using a shard of glass
>critical failure in the attempt, end up tearing my wrists open
>bleed out before the cultists notice or can finish preparing the ritual, preventing the demon from being summoned

File: 1350063512457.gif-(1.63 MB, 170x225, 1345706366787.gif)

>epic campaign
>playing a gnoll ranger specialized in using a double-sided flail
>we're getting wrecked because we all have only one game under our collective belts
>roll natural 20 with an arrow shot at a giant gollem
>arrow whiffs it
>ricochets off the wall behind it and pierces a weak spot on the back of it's neck
>it crumbles to dust instantly
>groups face when

>find a bunch of young alligators in a sewer
>ranger tries to befriend one of the crocodiles
>roll low, NOPE.jpg
>gator attacks
>"I JUST WANTED TO BE FRIENDS"
>roll to pick up alligator
>nat 20
>second alligator starts attacking too
>"I roll to beat the shit out of the other alligator with this alligator"
>NATURAL FUCKING 20
>kill the alligator I was holding and nearly kill the other alligator
>other alligator gets freaked the fuck out and cowers in a corner
>everythingwentbetterthanexpected.png

Real life example

>Middle of sub-arctic winter
>Riding a big ass two floored bus to work
>Bus halts at my stop, and i get off
>my bag is stored in an compartment on the outside of the bus
>open the compartment to get bag
>its slid to far in to reach it
>wellshit
>crawl into compartment to get bag
>with a jerk the bus starts rolling again
>SHIT
>quickly asses my options as the bus gets up to speed
>stay in bag compartment untill next stop
>jump off before the bus picks up too much speed
>fuck it, I'll jump
>tuckandrollmotherfuckers
>nat 20
>Make a perfect roll out and hit a snow drift
>not a scratch, bruise or torn clothing
>get up brush the snow off me
>bus driver must've seen me, and slams the breaks, gets off and runs up to me
>"jesus, are you alright?!"
>"yeah, just fine. My bag is still on the bus tho, could you get it for me?"
>he nods, and runs to get it and comes back with it
>"excellent, thanks for that"
>i brush the last snow off
>"anyway I gotta go or I'll be late for work. Have a good day!"
>justanotherday.jog

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>>21095416
>later in this campaign

>fighting demons on the edge of a cliff
>off the edge there is an endless pit
>dwarf fighter bro in trouble by the edge fighting a demon
>I have skill in first-aid/healing because my gnoll ranger learned it when he was young from his tribes shamans
>I rush over to try and help him him back on his feet
>trying to finish the demon off
>make tumble check to get between it and my bro
>roll 1
>I crash into the demon and my bro
>we all fall off the cliff
>we start playing cards as we fall for eternity

File: 1350064005349.jpg-(324 KB, 1280x960, orcsngobs.jpg)

fighting near a chasm with a lava river. goblin swings sword and rolls a critical fail. trips, hits himself in the face with the broad side, stumbles toward the chasm and falls down into it. 10 xp down the drain.

Dark Heresy, I'm GM. Team needs to get by through a daemonic lock (that is totally not based on a beholder from Darksiders >,>) Guardsman walks up and stabs the daemonic lock in the eye. Gets showered by daemon blood.

I had planned for this to give him one corruption. Two if he failed particularly bad.

He rolls his willpower check. 00

Almost eight degrees of failure.

I tell him I'll be upgrading it to 1d10, and ask if he is fine with this. He agrees with me on basis that such a spectacular fail warrants it.

I roll. 10

I stare at it and say "No that can't be right." So I re-roll.

10.

I say "This is bullshit." Re-roll.

10.

I tell him to roll it.

10

I tell him to roll again.

10.

We will both roll and take the lowest number.

10.

Re-roll.

10.

I tell the whole table to roll and I'll take the lowest number.

10.

I look at the dice. Then I look at him. Then back to the dice. Then back at him.

"You gain ten corruption points."

Game went on as normal.

>Get ambushed by cultists and knocked unconcious.
>Nat 20 on first Death Saving Throw
>Now concious but carried by cultists
>Nat 1 Bluff check
>"Yo, I'm still unconcious. Ignore me."
>They Nat 1 Sense Motive
>"We know. Shut up."

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>>21095559

File: 1350064877790.jpg-(29 KB, 337x404, Check this guy out.jpg)

>>21094094
>"Don't worry. Tell him that I'm taking you."
Nice.

>In combat
>Enemy brawler rolls grapple check on me.
>DM rolls a 1
>Brawlers hand now stuck inside of my ass
>Next turn.
>Roll grapple check.
>Nat 20
>My ass begins pulling the brawler further and further inside of me.

>Long running pathfinder game.
>Character is the commander of our batallion (read party leader).
>End up in a very heated fight between our party, and a family of nobles on the battlefield.
>Eventually roll Nat 20 on the youngest of the familly (high priority causer caster), and cut em in half (literally, right through the stomach).
>Nobles immediately retreat, gathering the remains of their kin and abducting our cleric.
>Cleric through spells and very impressive diplomacy saves the kid, and convinces said family that they are on the wrong side of this war.
>In the aftermath, once revield they were now on our side, I wanted to apologize and express my sympathies.
>Nat 1 on diplomacy.
>Say, "I'm glad everything is back in one piece."

>>21095624
/tg/ in a nutshell.

>Low-level sorcerer fighting skeletons
>Ran out of spells because low level
>Weapons at hand are crossbow and spear, neither of which are going to be terribly effective against skeletons
>Ask the DM if I can use the haft of the spear and treat it like a quarterstaff instead
>He allows it
>Roll to hit
>Nat 1
>Break spear in half

Amusingly, that was the last time I used a weapon of any sort in that campaign, purely by coincidence. Not because that incident left a bad taste in my mouth or anything, but simply because that was the last time I actually had need to use a weapon as opposed to my spells.

File: 1350066614146.png-(196 KB, 636x587, Awesome Story Bro.png)

>>21094094
>>"Don't worry. Tell him that I'm taking you."
God damn, that's some serious swag there. You were a clever kid.

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>>21094094
>don't worry, tell him i'm taking you
holy shit, that was swag-tastic

>>21094027
It's stuff like that which is why our DM never gave us automatic success on our rolls for roleplaying. He said that he'd give us up to a +3 on our rolls for good roleplaying but we'd still have to roll.

He'd always sat it was because the other guy might not even be interested in hearing what we have to say, might be openly hostile even, or might just not particularly care.

Personally I think he did it for the looks on our faces when our bard made a huge speech, rolled a 1 and the citizens responded with "Sorry what was that? We weren't listening."

>>21095624

And suddenly I am reminded of a certain thread involving Superman getting raped.

Yes, it's as weird and disturbing as it sounds.

http://chanarchive.org/4chan/co/5577/what-if-clark-kent-got-raped

Be wary of looking at that if you value your sanity.

>>21095261
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLMJaK7Zngo

>rouge searches for secret doors on a cave wall
>rolls 1
>as dm say that he cuts himself on the wall and takes 1 pt of damage
>rogue is now bloodied and dieing

>Playing Bretonnia (2nd edition warhammer fantasy) playing as Nobles
>Questing Knight looking after us is beheaded by a vampire
>tie him to his horse and use an iron spike to stick his head back on his body for the ride home
>have to tell his wife what happened
>female of the party is left with the job and decides to roll
>Fails horribly
>"He lost his head in battle"
>head falls off spike
>wife bursts into tears
>female rolls to try and make her feel better
>roll 100, no fate to re-roll
>"It's because of you his head wasn't in the right place"

>>21090785
>I FUCKED YOUR HUSBAND IN THE ASS
oh, dear God, have mercy on my sides.

>>21098158
You'd think the puns would soften the blow, no need to lose her head over it.

File: 1350089146180.jpg-(58 KB, 750x600, 1348702261609.jpg)

>Party gets attacked by assassins on the road.
>Not too difficult
>One is helpless but alive
>Decide to interrogate him
> Sociopath craftsman decides to use his recent invention
>btw we were carrying a fully functional catapult with us
>put him in catapult
>tell_us_your_secrets_grass.jpg
Alright, roll to intimidate
>1
I fire the catapult
>roll another 1
>catapult goes full circle, slams assassin into ground dealing 20d6
>Never speak of this again

We ended up using the poison we got from them to kill the boss of that mission.

>playing kind-hearted, shy tribal woman
> unbeknownst to her, she's a barbarian
>Killed jerk husband in back-story while in rage
>Thinks possession by demon made her do it
>Thinks demon inhabits her family heirloom axe
>Priest tells her it isn't possessed anymore
>Next combat encounter
>Wake up in the morning with an owlbear in face
>Instinctively grab axe
>First time actually using it to fight
>Two turns later -4 health
>DM lets will checks allow stabalizing and waking up
>Nat 20 on second try
(continued)

>>21100014
For the character, I designed a d8 system to determine if she can keep calm when angered, otherwise she just rages until she runs out of turns, or everything around her is dead. For example, when the outcome of a conflict will aparently lead to multiple PC deaths, a roll of 2 or higher will cause rage.
>roll 2
>First rage in entire campaign
>only the wizard is still awake to see
>Leap onto feat
>Axe in hands
>another nat 20
>confirmed critical
>10/10
>amounts to 34 damage
>Owlbear blood everywhere (it was close to dying before I attacked)
>Instantly pass out because strenuous action

Our DM said she lopped of the owlbear's head, and with the extra momentum spun around and unzipped its body.

When she woke up, she asked what happened, the wizard said "you turned into a demon and killed it."

>>21100135
Man, that character concept is awesome, I want to steal it

File: 1350101122323.jpg-(8 KB, 194x260, tball.jpg)

True story.

>Our team clears out one room of palace guards, in a palace.
>The telepathy dude feels that there are more guards in the next room
>We come up with a plan to intimidate them
>Telepathy dude sends a message to entice a guard to check on the room (our room)
>succeeds roll.
>we hear guard in next room "hold on guys, im gonna check out the next room"
>door opens and our telekinesis dude succeeds roll in lifting the guard into the air, suspended.
>I (high STR fighter type) have a warhammer, and i attempt to bat him (litterally) with my hammer back into the room he came from t-ball style
>natural 20
>guy is shot back into the room, flies across into the other wall and falls to the floor in a dead heap
>we immediately rush in gaining a surprise round and the guards are successfully intimidated throughout the encounter

Our DM usually runs a pretty level game, but he definitely likes to reward creativity, and especially nat20 rolls from said creativity. Usually created memorable moments like these.

Our Half-Orc barbarian tried to intimidate me into giving him all of my money.
He rolled a one.
"He's totally unafraid of you, and it's unlikely, if not impossible, that you could ever inspire fear in this man."

>>21100135
> feat
feet

>>21090875


I call bullshit. Rolling 60 20s in a row is .0000015625% chance.

First time GM here (Pathfinder)...a player rolled a 1 on an attack with a spear, so I had the spear break and become a shortspear until he could mend it. He was actually very upset about this. It was the first time he was so upset in my game - did I mess up or something? Too extreme?

>massive shield the held the combined armies of Earth away from the last objective
>shield previously withstood the largest explosives Humanity could throw at it, short of nukes

'I draw my pistol and shoot the shield'
>Nat 20
>shield shatters completely

>>21092416
You seem surprised. I, however, think that's cool as shit. Would totally steal it.

File: 1350117200300.jpg-(70 KB, 577x465, Earth 3 Deathstroke.jpg)

>playing Monk
>get knocked high into the air by a fuckhuge golem
>roll for recovery
>Natural. Fucking. Twenty.
>Do some badass flips and shit to regain control
>Perform a huge elbow drop on the way back down
>Roll for damage
>Natural. Fucking. One.
>Miss completely
>hit the ground
>Shatter my arm
>Knocked Unconscious
>Golem then stomps on me
>Dead instantly

The story of Maka the Monk

>>21090564
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHMcoG_FmTw

>>21104152

People prefer their PCs to be screwed with a lot more interaction between them and their enemies.

He literally just rolled a 1, and now can't do as much damage and help the party fight it's battles.

True story:
I was playing a game of 3.5 in which all the players were "That Guy." It was fun to try to one-up each other in ridiculousness. The DM was a true pal to put up with it.

In the beginning of the campaign, I decide to try to convince the party that I was a legendary pirate.
>roll bluff
>nat 20
Word spreads as the campaign progresses.

Later:
Describe, in detail, my character shouting obscenities loudly over the ocean, from the deck of a warship. The DM jokingly decides to let me roll for loudness.
>nat 20
"Niggers!" heard for miles and miles around. I gain a reputation for my loud, vulgar mouth.

>>21104112

Six nat 20's, but yeah, its probably didn't happen.

Does anyone else feel like nat 20s can be "wasted" at shitty moments?

In my game group, it's common to roll the die for stupid reasons, like "I roll for you to shut the fuck up already and take your turn."
>nat 20.
"Goddammit, you wasted a crit, man!"

>>21105356

Yes, all the time. Humans cannot into statistics.

>>21105356
What's even worse is rolling a nat 20 on a joke roll. As in, rolling as part of a joke. Total waste.

Though a good laugh was had by all when I rolled a nat 20 on my gay check.

Rifts game in highschool. Was playing a Minotaur titan juicer, using an evil millenium tree branch as a weapon. GM decides to be an asshole and RANDOM FUCKING SPLUGORTH SLAVE BARGE. Figure fuck it, party is about to wipe. Somehow win initiative, Tell GM I roll to hit with the pole, nat 20. Roll damage... Whoa. Gm gives me the best "Fuck you" look I've ever seen. Explains that my swing has cut the barge, the slaver, and several of the warrior women clean in two. With a tree branch. GM then informs us that the barge explodes, wiping the party. Faggot.

>>21105377
Two sessions ago, my buddy got a nat 20 on his "SpoooooOOOOOOOOoooooooky check".

>>21090875
>implying the dm didn't trick the dice
to be young and gullible-

>Halfway through dungeon warrior falls into cliche trap hole with spikes
>Archer attempts to pin him to wall by his shirt collar
>Crit fail -> Hits warrior in face dropping him to 0
>Warrior dying from bloodloss, but luckily pinned to wall
>Party pulls him up
>Cleric attempts to remove arrow
>Crit fail -> Rips arrow outta warriors face
>Warrior now dying from blood loss and a hole in the face
>Cleric attempts emergency staunch bleeding
>Crit fail -> Blood sprays everywhere and warrior dies

Happened today, more a case of the player roleplaying what became an unexpected critical success in a fun way:

We were in charge of convincing some local noble to join a war effort to save the kingdom. He had an obviously forged document giving him a royal exemption from this duty and we were trying to get some evidence to demonstrate it's fake.

Instead our illiterate barbarian party member used a critical diplomacy roll to make the noble relent, by smashing the table with the document on it with a hammer, grabbing the noble by the throat and screaming
>The ink lies! BLOOD IS HONEST!

>>21105644
So does that mean he was successfully SpppooooOOOooky, or that he successfully was not spooked?

My roll had similar ambiguity, as I simply declared "roll for gay" in reply to the conversation at hand. Based on the context, I wasn't sure if that 20 meant I was very gay or very not gay. Funny either way though.

>>21105729
Another job well done.

>>21105767
I think it meant that the area was really spooky, but he didn't give a fuck. I forget.

>rogue trader
>after a fight vs a greater deamon of tzeentch
>arch-militant is VERY beat up
>has taken several full-force doombolt equivalents to chest and is deep into criticals with bloodloss, several broken ribs and all kinds of nasty shit
>missionary (me) scrambles to our fallen arch-militant
>FIRST AID like a baus with advanced medkit (40 int, +20 skill,+20 item bonus= 80 medicae)
>every player looks on as i pic up my dice.
>Roll: 97
>fate point like a mofo
>Reroll: 00
>the other characters can only watch as the expert medicae missionary checks for breathing, finding none, and begins doing CPR.
>compress lungs with all my might
>SPLOTCH
>instant blood fountain as lungs collapse due to way more broken ribs than healthy puncturing them all at the same time
>que very dead arch-militant and very stupefied missionary wondering what the HELL just went wrong

Dark Heresy
Playing as a melee guardsman. We suspect an orphanage to be the hiding place of cultists. We're outside the front and back door, party split in order to burst in there screamin' and intimidatin'
>Attempt to kick down front door
>Fail
>BURN Fate-pt
>00
>Break leg on door, pass out from pain
>Alert 4 Daemonettes...
>Party Wipe

>>21105857
>BURN FATEPOINT
WHY

YOU JUST SPEND THEM GODDAMN

Rogue Trader
Playing Kroot (the sneaky sub-species) with camo skin (forgot what it's called)
>Attempt to sneak past 2 enemy guardsmen
>+40 to a 40 base stealth
>Pass move silently
>Fail sneak
>Guardsmen eating meal, suddenly shadow falls over them, see a kroot silently attempting to walk right by them. Immediately radios in for gunships.

>>21091341
Wait wait wait

The fighter killed the titan, so the pally got bitch slapped?

Mysterious fuckin ways....

already used it earlier that night

>>21105824
Your GM is fucking awful.

A low medicae roll means that you should have SAVED his life, not killed him.

>Roll for perception
>Nat 1
>"Check to see if you hurt yourself"
>Fail check
>"You fall face first into the ground and get dirt in your eyes. You are too embarrassed to attempt any further investigation."

>>21105895
00 is 100. Low is good. Do the math.

>>21093270
I want to hear more about how you came to be rolling for Perform (Cunnilingus).

>Be Space Jamaican Guardsman with Not-Judge Dredd Arbitrator bro.
>Trying to launch a flashbang across a huge-ass chamber towards a bunch of psyker cultists.
>DM rules it's way too fucking far.
>Fuck that shit, I'm kicking that flashbang like it's a free-kick in Yankee handlemon.
>Arbitrator bro holds the flashbang upright.
>Take a running start and roll to kick it for the goalposts.
>99.
>FATEPOINT REROLL
>100.
>Facepalms all around.
>DM kindly allows Arbitrator bro to retcon his visor as being down.
>I curb-stomp Arbitrator bro's hand into the flashbang like crushing an empty beercan.
>Flashbang goes off.
>Oh God my eyes.
>Oh fuck they've seen us.
>Oh shit oh shit oh shit
>Dice go in the Fuck-Off Corner and are not used again.

>>21105895
00 isn't low on a d100. It's a critfail

01 is critsuccess

>DM: roll for Perception to see if the alleyway is clear.
>1, +30 modifier
>DM: You rise into the air on a pillar of heavenly glory. Divine light pours from your eyes and mouth as a beacon of cosmic awareness billows out from your body like a ripple in reality's pond.
>You can feel the heartbeat of the asphalt. The air holds its breath so as not to impede you hearing.
>The reincarnation of Lord Solar Macharius himself descends from on high, borne aloft by cherubs, and says unto ye, "Nay, for 'tis empty, yonder alleyway."

>>21105967
I think I want to have sex with your DM.

>player (in character) says a stupid thing
>other player smacks his shoulder, saying "idiot"
>DM: roll for damage
>crit hit
>DM: You hit a nerve. He falls to the ground in convulsions and is unable to keep fighting

>Players: Star Wars Jokes
>Won't stop
>Me: Enemy sorcerer opens horrible box of doom
>Out comes a man, standing over 6ft, clad in black armor, with a flowing black cape
>Player 1: Lol we're Space Marines, he's tiny
>Me: He wears a fearsome black helmet, with a likewise black mask, from which comes the sound of wheezing.
>Players don't get it, keep mocking his appearance
>He activates a slim metal rod in his right hand, causing a slim beam of red light to grow from it, which he waves menacingly in your direction.
>Player 1: OH FUCK IT'S VADER
>Player 2 was introduced to Star Wars literally last week. Player 2 loves the movies. Player 2 literally squees.

It was a joke on my part, but god it was amusing.

>>21105987
I'm paraphrasing, but he said about as eloquently. We all had to release a breath afterwards that we didn't realise we were holding.

>>21105987

Agreed.

My first ever game of DnD
>roll an ork berserker
>group were midway through a cave
>encounter low level skeletons
>barely make it through due to TURRIBLE rolling on behalf of everyone in the group
>in celebration of this "epic" victory, tea-bag the nearest skeleton
>nat1
>"as the green fleshy sack dangled within the jaw-bones of the defeated foe, the skeletal maw snapped shut. Severing all bonds. You are now minus testicles and have syphilis"

And thus began the journey of Cadilac DuPont, the eunuch ork berserker