Hello there, dearies. I see my wares have captivated your attention.No, no, no need to back away. Old Hilga does not bite. Feel free to peruse my wares. Are you looking for anything in particular? Old Hilga may just have what you're looking for, ha, yes!But the price may leave something to be desired.Now tell Old Hilga what you seek!
Giant solid gold dildo, at least 3 inches in girth.
Whats the price for an bottle of 80mg Oxycontin (the good old kind, NOT OPANA) that contains 120 tabs and replenishes itself when it nears empty?
I'm looking for something that will let me control my own destiny.
>>20127577For you, I have a small pouch, that will fill with whatever item is put inside of it. For this, I require half of your inspiration, and a third of your humor.>>20127569Hilga doesn't deal in obscenities, dearie. You may want to ask the baron's wife, although you didn't hear that from me, ha!
>>20127633Small pouch guy here. So how do we make this trade? I give you what you want and... what? It'll just appear in my room or something? I'm willing to make the trade, I just want to know what your shipping policies are.
If you take inspiration and humor, do you keep some of that for selling back?Cause I'd totally buy some inspiration, ambition, intelligence, humor, charm, motivation, ability, etc.
I've been tasked by the church to find the source of an elder witches power. It is rumored she deals in wonderous items for dark trades.
I'm looking for....WITCHES!!
I'd like a puppy that grows into a fierce but utterly loyal hound of great size.
>>20127616A very powerful trade, dearie.For you, a golden thread, and a pair of scissors. The thread is your preordained destiny, your fate. One snip, and you shall be free, to decide for yourself. For the thread, I ask for the color of your eyes. For the shears, the cutting shall pay the price.>>20127658You are truly lacking in imagination, aren't you? I have it right here, I'll just hand it to you.>>20127672I sell back what I take, in a manner of speaking. As for what you want, you'll have to be more specific.>>20127673That sounds like my sister. She's in the back, hurry up and take her already.
>Old Hilda thread>fsjalI remember the first one of these.
>>20127716For you, I have a piece of burnt meat, in a jar. Put a drop of your blood on it, then feed it to a young pup. The dog shall know nothing but the utmost of loyalty to you. He will grow to monstrous size, and no fear shall hold him while you remain in danger.For this, I require your sense of loyalty to family, nation, or self. Your choice.
>>20127796You can have my loyalty to my nation, god knows it never did me any good.I think I'll name him Jaeger.
>>20127796I'm not the guy who asked for it, but I'd totally swap any loyalty I had for my nation for it.
>>20127813>>20127818Does your loyalty fade to apathy, or must you be actively disloyal? An important distinction.
>>20127756>Color of my eyes.I assume I can snip these when I want, right? So I can give you the color of my eyes, and you'll give me the thread and shears. As long as I do cut the thread sooner or later, I still would have paid my dues.Also do you happen to know anyone who's good at finding out what your destiny is? Gonna do that first before cutting the thread. If I like my destiny, I'll just cut it at my death bed.
>>20127813The deal is done.>>20127818I'm afraid I had but the one. Can I interest you in something else? For your loyalty to your nation, I have this lovely chalice. Fill it with a red wine, and each drink will breathe life back into your weary bones.
>>20127852>I'll just cut it at my death bed.That's the idea.
>>20127756Alright Hilga, I'll make the trade for the small pouch. One half of my inspiration, and one third of my humor, all yours.
I have a coworker who has a not inhuman, but certainly unnatural ability to make jokes and puns appropriate to the situation.What did he give you?
How much for:WealthAmbition (Immediate)FameGood LooksCharmGreat MotivationGreat Inspiration (Immediate)Great Talent in everythingEternal HappinessEternal CompanionshipPerfect Immortality with regeneration (Immediate)Immune to being crippled emotionally, physically, socially, mentally, spiritually, economically. (Immediate)Immunity to Pain (may turn it own or off at will)Whenever I wish for a challenge to my abilities, it appears, but I'll be able to solve it without too much bad stuff happeningForgetting that I asked for the item I just listedUnless otherwise specified, I don't want a sudden change either, I want to grow into this over two years.--------------------------------For trade, I have souls. Wholesale or in part?
>>20127948The price?Knowing you're a massive faggot, of course!
>>20127912The deal is sealed.>>20127852The price is simply for the thread, dearie. Whether or not you cut it is up to you. As far as reading your destiny goes, I have an item that may help. This small ball of wax, when placed into your right ear, will let you see the future as it stands, each time you close your eyes. Place it in the left ear, and you may see your past.For this item, I require your notion of balance. Standing, walking, and all of that shall remain the same, but when considering the weight of actions and their consequences, you will be found wanting.>>20127833When your loyalty is gone, whatever is left shall take the place. Some men are loyal to a fault, and know nothing else. Some men's hearts are split in twain.>>20127936I'm not certain if I recall making such a trade. If you were interested in matching him, I can give you a small pin, with a smiling face upon it. While wearing it, you shall tell the most suitably cunning and clever jokes, such that none will be able to resist.For this, I require your ability to laugh at your own jokes.
>>20127948Dear, with a list like that, you'd better start looking for old oil lamps to rub.
I'm kinda hungry, how much is lunch?
I wish a lockpick that opens all vaults.
I want a gaming group that doesn't make me want to smash my face in with a mallet.
>>201280305 pence, down at the General Store. A mile thataways.>>20128049A set of picks, to open any lock. A simple request. You may have them in exchange for your feelings of security for the next year.
Why do i get the feeling Helga is jewish?All her trades are a rip off.
I represent the better business bureau of Judea. We have had some complaints of someone running a business without a permit and committing numerous cases of fraud in this area.You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, now would you Helga?
>>20128060I want a gaming group of any kind...
You see what happens to gamers without sex? they become bitter and jaded and ruin perfectly good Helga threads.Do the world a service Helga, , get naked, lie down on your back and have your customers take a number. There will be plenty of takers, i guarantee it.
I'm looking for five Sundays. If you don't have those I'll settle for three Saturdays and a fortnight.
>>20128060For you, a small bottle of cologne. A single spray, and you shall attract those with whom you can be true friends. For this, I require your ability to grow facial hair.>>20128126The name is Hilga, dearie. I'm afraid you have the wrong woman.>>20128128For you, I shall offer you a small ivory horn. If you sound it, potential friends and allies shall be compelled to seek you out. For this, the price is your smile.>>20128143The rambunctious days of my youth are far behind me, and this old skirt doesn't lift for just anyone. You'll have to find somewhere else to get your jollies.
>>20128211I keep on having nice dreams but I never remember them long enough to write much about them down.How much for a journal that I can write my dreams into as I sleep?
>>20128211Nooooooo!!!Do i dare make the ultimate sacrifice? What will become of me? My unemployment status? My disability payments? My computer chairs well-defined ass groove?I'll do it! What do i do with my neckbeard? do you want the trimmings?
I wish only to become proppa' orky: To be filled with the spirit and the power of the WAAAGH, and the ability to inspire the same in those around me.Wotchoo' go-- er, What do you have for me?
i'd like to be more creative, to have wild ideas running rampant in my mind. Can you help me Hilga?
>mfw russian>mfw I pissed myself and fell out of my chair thinking that was baba yaga>mfw I have no face
>>20128126>better business bureau of JudeaSplitters!
Do not try to cheat me gypsy.
no more deals? :-(
boo i enjoyed this
I'd like to learn how to speak the true names of people and things, and know the true names of those who man should never speak of.
Noble crone, hear my story and tell me you have something to give it a happy ending.When I was a child, I lived another life in my dreams. Every night, i would be transported to a world where everyone loved each other like bretheren, fights were won and lost by one's wit and intelligence, and the mind was the greatest gift one would ever have. This species of scientists and psions took me in as one of their own on a level of acceptance that humanity has never come close to. As I grew older, and my mind on this side of the veil grew more cynical and 'adult', my visits grew less and less frequent, until finally one night, I dreamt of my people no longer.I want to go back. I want the life that was robbed from me by humanity in the name of growing up. I will give you anything physically possible, even if i have to tear it from the jaws of death itself, just please, let me go home. I miss my family so much...
>>20128309The deal is done. You may keep the trimmings.>>20128242For you, a music box. Wind it up before you go to bed, and when you awaken, you can play it, and it shall play back to you your dreams of the night. For this, I ask for your luck for the next week.>>20128461For you, a jar of war paint. Simply spread a bit on each cheek, and you shall know no fear nor pain, and all will bow to your martial prowess.For this, I ask for half your compassion.>>20128536For you, I have a feather from a griffin. Tuck this behind your ear, or into your hat, and the ideas shall flow down from the summer sky.For this, I ask for your memory of peaceful times.>>20131143Such a power, I cannot give, and would not give. You will have to deal with powers far more grave than I.>>20131930For you, a dried flower, and a powdered marble. Make a tea of the leaves from the flower, and you shall once again visit the world within your dreams. If you wish to stay there, mix the powdered marble into the drought, and you shall never awaken.For this, I shall require half your memories of this world.
Old Hilga, do you have anything to woo the girl of my dreams? She barely even knows I exist.
Need something to help me ART! No not creativity! I need the willpower to actually sit down and MAKE it!I-I'm just too...all over the place.
I have a potential trade.In return for never again being able to show any emotion, good or bad, on my face (in effect never again smiling, crying, grimacing, sneering or otherwise using my face to show emotion), what will you offer? I'd like to still be able to laugh, but I can trade that one off too, on its own or as part of the above trade.
>>20137745For your expressions, I have a number of items.First, this small bell, that when tolled, will cause a broken jar, or glass, or anything of the sort, to rebind itself, provided you have all the pieces.I also have a small mirror, which can show you things that your eyes cannot see, but shows nothing which is normally visible.A pair of six-sided dice, which always come up on 4.>>20137647For you, a well of blue ink. Dip the smallest finger of your left hand in it, and your hands shall move as if guided by your visions themselves, and make your dreams a reality.For this, I require the memory of your greatest sorrow.>>20137620Bah, a simple request. Take this rose, and give it to her, and confess your love.That's it. It's an ordinary rose. That'll be 3 pence.But, if you're afraid that won't cut it, I might have something a little... stronger.
>>20137820You'll have the memory of my grandfather's death or the loss of my love.Alas, I will have to give my grandfather's memory on this...
I need a Jewel Encrusted Cod-Peice.For reasons.
>>20137920The deal is done.>>20138539I already said that I don't deal in that sort of stuff. Go ask the baron, gods know he flaunts it enough.As for the rest of you, what'll you have?Perhaps a bottle of this fine salve? Rub it on your hands, and they shall be impervious from heat or cold. Only costs your ability to smell flowers.Perhaps this knife, which can be used to pry open any container. For that, I'll need your favorite song.Or perhaps this crown. Place it upon somebody's head, and bring ruinous power upon them. They will become powerful without measure, but the Crown does not give its gifts for free.For this, I will require your left hand.
>>20127562>ITT: Changeling the Lost Goblin Market, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I'm tired of being afraid of everything, what can you give me to help stop my fears
>>20137820>A pair of six-sided dice, which always come up on 4.I'm not the man you were bargaining with, but, well that's not very useful. I would have a hard time even turning that into a free energy device.And the ivory horn that summons potential friends only cost the ability to smile.
Oh Hilga, what will it cost me to make every child love the math I teach?
I want to give my friends happiness. I'll pay whatever you ask!
>>20138819If you wish to be rid of your fear, I shall buy it from you, and in exchange give you this scarf. Should you wear it, no amount of cold shall chill you to discomfort.However, you should be wary, for fear is often a necessary friend. I'll let you think about it.>>20139132For you, a pair of glass lenses. When worn, all those you teach will see as you see, and see the wonder that the lesson holds. For this, I require one half of your patience.>>20139133Only a fool agrees to a price before it is named. But very well. Take this iron nail. So long as you keep it safe from rust or tarnish, your bonds shall never falter, and your loved ones shall know happiness in all their days.For this, I require your courage.
My father was a great duelist. He died when I was but a young boy. I swore to follow in his footsteps, and strive to become the greatest swordsman in the land. However, upon my first attempts I found that I am sorely lacking in talent. For a time I was consumed by despair, but a friend bid me to seek you out.Tell me, O Hilga, what will it cost me for something that will let me fulfill my dream, and my oath to my father's memory?
>>20140553For you, this glove. Wear it upon your fencing hand, and the blade shall flow as supple as silk, and as fast as the northern winds.In exchange, I shall require your fury.
Old Hilga.I come to you from afar.Too easily do I lapse into apathy and sloth.Give me something to propel me forward, that I might have the will to accomplish anything, even if I may lack the means.
Yeah I'll have 2 cheeseburgers, some fries and a medium coke.
>>20140735For you, a bag of peppers from far-away lands. Eat a pepper, and for the rest of the day, you shall be filled with energy and a fiery determination.For this, I ask for your birthmarks.
I SEEK POWER, OLD CRONE.PROVE TO ME YOUR WORTH IS MORE THAN IDLE TRINKETS.
>>20131930 here>>20134805>For this, I shall require half your memories of this world.You may have them all. This world is one I ill wish to remember at this point. I accept your bargain.
>>20140863Birthmarks? I am afraid I have none, not that I know of.It would not be fair for me to accept such a thing without adequate compensation. What else will you accept of equal value?
I want to have a perfectly detailed memory.Incidentally, are you looking for a hired bookkeeper?
I request power of body and mind.
I need the ability to be as dark as the blackest shadow and as quiet as the void, to move invisibly through this world at will.What do you have for me?
>>20140700Done. I part with my fury gladly. I've seen too many people lose their temper over trifles.
>>20140915>>20141021The deal is done.>>20140888If power is what you seek, than power you shall have.This sword is wrought with the tears of a god. Wield it, and no man shall stand before you.For this, I shall require the love you would offer your firstborn.>>20140924If you've no birthmarks, I will take instead the tune hummed under your breath.>>20140942For you, a perfect pearl. Keep it tucked in your pocket, and your memories shall be as clear as air.For this, I require your laughter.>>20140980For you, a cloak made of sewn shadows. Drape it over your shoulders, and you will melt away into the blackness.For this, I shall require your own shadow, or your reflection.>>20140977For you, a ring of power. Untold power of mind and power of body shall be yours for the taking. For this, I require 3 years of your life.
>>20141313The power over my body and mind for three years? I will take it.
>>20141313The tune is yours, old woman. It is a little melancholy and a little cheery. I hope you find use for it.Thank you for the peppers.
>>20141313IT IS YOURS, YAGA.MY SON IS ILL WORTH THE AFFECTION I HAVE ALREADY WASTED ON HIS ACCOUNT.
I chase the ability and strength of will to make a difference for the betterment of my home. Have you anything?
Oh Hilga. My heart was broken many years ago. The woman I had intended to wed, instead married my best friend. I have long since moved on and my life is fine.However, I wish to sunder their relationship. I want her to come crawling back to me. I have not decided whether or not I would again accept her again, though. I fear I may seek only vengeance on the both of them.What have you, old woman?
>the love you would offer your firstbornHa! You could not give me anything to make me give that up
Wise Hilga, though my heart is kind, I am feared and hated for my grotesque countenance and hulking figure. What do you have that can cause others to see past my appearances?
>>20127562I want to shit lightning. You got some kind herb rub for that?
Hilga...You are exactly as was described to me.My grandfather...was captured on a hunting trip. The forces who hold him now are powerful beyond compare. None in our village would risk their lives to save his, so I have taken it upon myself to do so.I was instructed to seek you out, told you would have three items in stock, specifically to aid me in his safe return.Please. He is the only family I have left.I...I am prepared to offer you anything.
Great Hilga, hear out this old soldier, I've spent much of my life raising the bloody banners of princes, killing many a man for the side right, scattering fields with ashes, and thinking nothing more of it. Recently I had lost a son in battle, and whilst burying him, realized how long ago, many a man had been in the same position as I. Fathers burying their sons, sons that I had cut down in battle, cut down in their prime of life, young men who could have gone on to have happy lives and children of their own. Now knowing the pain of a parent burying their child, I would like to make amends to the families of all those whom I've slain. Is there anything you have that I can use to mend the ills I have caused in life? I am not a rich man, so there is not much I can offer as far as material things go, though I can give you my family sword DeathSinger. I beg of you to take it from me, it is stained with the blood of countless men, and I can no longer bear to carry it.
Higla, what have you to increase a man's imagination?
>>20141372>>20141390>>20141433The deal is done.>>20141511Perhaps this will end your search. A small statue of a lion. If you place it in front of your home, it shall scare off misfortune, and those who would harm for family. For this, I ask for half the strength from your left leg.>>20141539Bah, it is bad luck to wish ill upon others. Very well, if you would pay the blood price for your evils, Hilga will assist you.This black iron locket will do the trick. Place a picture of one, and a lock of hair of the other, then close the locket, and smash it. Their love shall turn to ash, and their dreams shall crumble.For the locket, I ask for your sweetest memory you've never had.For the act itself, it is not me you will be paying.>>20141584For you, I have a hairpin. Simply wear it, and others shall see you for the beauty (or ugliness) inside of you. For this, I ask your ability to comprehend art.>>20141600I have some rather strong curry, if you're interested.
>>20142278I've no need for art. I accept your deal.
>>20142278A... hard bargain. Such a price I refuse to pay, and I will let this petty vengeance of mine rest. Good day, old woman.
Wise Old Hilga, when I was but a baby of two months, both of my grandfathers past away, I have no memories of them at all.I wish to be able to talk to them, both of them, only one, one time will be enough I think.
>>20141725Calm yourself, dearie.I have items which may be of use to you.First, this magical fiddle. When you play it, enemies shall lay down their weapons, and fall fast into blissful sleep.Second, this flute. When you play it, a mighty wind shall spring forth, and carry you as an eagle.Finally, this coin. This isn't one of my usual wares, an old friend left it to give to you. Not sure what it does, but he said you would know when the time is right.For all of this, I would require naught but the story as it unfolds.>>20141823For you, I have this bag of seeds. Simply sew them and water them with 1 drop of your blood for every man you have killed. When the plant flowers, burn the fruit, and if you truly repent, the ills you caused may be repaired, in a way.I do not accept material goods for my wares. I do not want the sword outside, but I will take the sword in your heart.>>20141889For you, I have a pink lens. When you gaze through it, you shall see the wonderful possibilities of the world. For this, I shall require the light of your life.
Oh Hilga, crone of destiny, shopkeep of power at a price, I have traveled from a far away land to bring honor to my family name. As the sword starts as a bar of iron, is heated and beaten into a fine edge, I too was taken onto the martial anvil and tempered into the fine warrior you see before you. However the blacksmith that was my past was an amateur. I was coddled and spoiled when I was supposed to shown sternness and discipline and I am now forever marked by such imperfections. Great Woman! What can you offer me for my happy memories? Leave me with only sour memories to eradicate my eccentricities and foolishness. Leave me be, so that I may become the greatest fighter that world has ever known!
>>20142335The deal is done.>>20142387Wise man. There are more fish in the sea, as they say.>>20142427This candle here, shall do the trick. Wait until a rainy midnight, and whisper their names, then light the candle. You shall be able to converse with them until the candle burns down to the last.For this, I shall require 3 memories of great pain. Your choice.
>>20142278Though not quite what I had meant, it matches the phrasing. More to the point, what is the strength in my leg compared to the well being of my kin? It's a sacrifice I will gladly accept. You have a deal, old Hilga.
Hilga, I have stumbled upon you merely by accident, and desire nothing, so-I request something for you, who has everything yet still asks prices of others. What is it that you want?
>>20142622There is realm of existence so far beyond your own you cannot even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Hilga.
>>20142453For all your happy memories? I suppose I can find something you'd like, then...This headband. So long as you wear it, suitable challenges shall seek you out, to test your martial prowess. You will constantly find yourself facing worthy opponents.>>20142551The deal is done.>>20142622A warm bed, a nice hot soup, and pleasant weather.>>20142663I ain't sure what it is you're implicating about me, but I don't think I quite like it.
Ah. I cannot thank you enough, ever generous Hilde. It is a deal.
>>20142759Time to invest in a cane or crutch...
>>20142437Wise Hilga, I understand not what you mean by the sword within my heart, but I do not care what it means, you can take it, whatever it is. I pray that these plants of yours can aid the many families I have damaged over my life as a soldier, my drops of blood could form a sea.
>>20142802That's Hilga, dearie.>>20142864The deal is done.
>>20142437Thank you, Miss Hilga.I shall keep a journal on myself, and take care to miss no detail. When my grandfather is safely within my company, I shall return to you, and the journal will be yours to do with as you please....Thank you.
All I want is for the world to know the love of Papa!
Old woman.I hail from the southern savannahs. I have pursued these three years a man who eludes my grasp. My reasons for pursuing him are my own.What can you give me? I do not have much left by this point, but I have been lead to understand you don't deal in "Traditional" currency.
>>20143140I know not who this "nermal" is, but I can give you this. A wand which will spread your words upon the wind, that many around can hear your voice, and you may extoll onto them.For this, I require your health for the next month.>>20143215For you, a horseshoe. Hold it in both hands, and you shall be carried as if astride a phantom steed, and the sands will part below you as you thunder towards your destiny. You shall soon overtake this mystery man.For this, give me the voice of your anguish.
I seek absolution, Hilga. I do not see it hidden among the crockery.
I seek vengeance for those that have wronged me:A Man that refuses to pay his debts to me and yet begs for more moneyA Woman in need of many favors and returns noneA stranger who spreads lies about me to others
>>20143692The voice of my anguish? Take it. I'll have no need it of once I've found->>20143736>>20143727...YOU.
Hilga, I would like to buy myself an item with which I could find the love of my life
Yo, Hilga, I'm looking for the power to break the roof of heaven!
I'm always afraid the world is going to end. Every day it seems like I fight another demon or demi-god hell bent on bringing about the apocalypse, and I am tired.I don't want to worry any more, i just want to settle down and be happy, maybe take up some sort of artistic pursuit so I can earn a decent living.What can you give me to make the nightmares go away?
Hilga, I desire the vaginal secretions of an old hag, to do with as I pleaseYours will suffice. What will you take in trade?
I feel I have been forlorn by love, that there is no one out there for me. Every woman I have ever met has made it clear that she does not wish to be with me, to have me hold her as a man holds his wife. Every day, women seem a little more wicked, and I feel a little more jaded, as everyone around me finds someone to comfort them through the dark and troubled times of their lives, holding them through their triumphs and their joys, leaving me to shiver in the shadow their love casts upon me.Can you put a price on love?
Helga, my lonilness is starting to make me feel bitter and alone, turning me into a cruel and heartless old man. My wife has long since passed away, and my better years are behind me, but i have no children of my own and nothing to offer in trade. Can you help me?
>>20143692My health?Well, I don't have much of that anymore, but if I can use it to spread Papa's word, then I'll do it!
Greetings hag hilga trader of odditiesWhat manner of price you can ask for the love of smart kind and warlike lady that has interest in subjects computer games,history, military and art?But that love must be a love that is two sided, i not going to suffer a friendzone.